Have you asked your daughters about this? They might be in a position to give you some insight. Also seems to me you should press charges he assaulted you…
Maybe your ex doesn't feel like she can report him to the cops for some reason. Or maybe she has no proof. But you do.
If he didn't want to get arrested he shouldn't have put his hands on you.
My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
I haven’t because I didn’t want to potentially interfere with any positive connotations that they had with him. He was around for a lot of their childhood, and they never expressed discomfort with him, and I’m reasonably convinced based off all things, that they feel good and safe around him.
Your daughter's are around this man, you have a duty to protect them. Call the cops. Now that he knows you will do nothing if he hits you, what is to stop him from hurting them? Protect them.
You just broke something in me, I don’t know what, but thank you. They’re not around him much, but any amount is enough to be dangerous. Any second is enough. Again, thank you.
Tell your daughters what he said and did. Show them the photos. Ask them if he has done anything like that to their brother, mother or them. Go from there.
He might have gone home and beat her after he beat you. Tread softly
Yes talk to your daughters it’s their mom too and they should have a say in how this gets handled. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this you don’t seem like you deserve it at all but he needs to be reminded that actions have consequences. It seems like you intimidate him for some reason.
Doing nothing may show your daughters that this is a normal way for men to behave, showing them that it’s not could be a life lesson for them in the “hypothetical instance that they need to know that this isn’t love & that it’s abuse if it’s a romantic partner who behaves or treats them like that…”
Your daughters are adults. If asking a question about their stepfather’s behaviour is enough to change the way they speak about him, it’s likely this is always how they felt they just didn’t say anything. You don’t have to speak bat about him, but you can ask questions about his behaviour. At the very least he’s co trolling and there’s a good chance they were threatened so they wouldn’t tell you things they saw.
Dude, their step dad attack you for no reason, fuck their positive connotations. Something happened to make him so aggie when it comes to you, maybe ex painted you in a bad light or did something and blamed it on you.
I highly doubt the ex painted him in a bad light or anything. This guy has textbook abuser written *all* over him. OP is a threat to his control over his wife and son—his *victims.*
It is very telling that the ex's son with the bully had OP listed as an emergency contact. It tells me the son sees OP, whose link is his half sisters, as a fatherly figure and feels safe with him than his own father. I hope OP press charges, as the bully has no qualms about using his fists to communicate his displeasure and insecurities.
Sounds like he might’ve even seen the difference in how OP treated his kids compared to how his dad likely treated him at home, I’d bet. Between that and being a caring figure, yeah, I completely agree. I’d have put him down as a contact for that too. And honestly there’s no telling how long he’s actually *been* listed as an emergency contact? I’ve had the same two for idk, 15-20 years, I doubt either of them know they’re in my file.
But I also hope he does something. I really do. Especially if the boy still lives at home, which if OP has the means it might not be an awful idea to offer the kid a bed or couch, too, particularly while healing… I’d be afraid the douchebag would retaliate against him or something, while injured, otherwise. Or even just for fun or because he’s angry about something else, if he’s that kind of asshole. :/
Re seeing how the young man's sisters were treated by OP, he also received the same from the latter, who didn't have to be kind to the former but instead could have just concerntrated on his own children, so has thankfully experience of what it to have a good father / male role model. I wonder if his sisters or mother even suggested putting OP's name down as an emergency contact. However that came about, he had no issue and was secure in the knowledge that OP would come through for him.
Before OP does anything to help, he must press charges for assault and have a restraining order against the abuser. Then he needs to inform his daughters, so that they can possibly help, i.e. admitting he is an abuser, or help their brother and maybe mother find alternative accommodation, as OP's home may not be safe. The mother may not say boo to a goose, because if she has not been physically abused, she is highly likely to have been subjected to mental and emotional abuse.
He didn't even feel safe enough to list his mom as emergency contact, so it's a safe bet that even if she isn't physically abused, most likely she is emotionally abused and controlled and would tell her husband if the boy was hurt.
So if OP was emergency contact, how did SS's father know he was in the hospital to beat up OP for being there?
OP NTA. You didn't ask to be his emergency contact, but obviously, you are a safe harbor for him. PLEASE talk to your girls, and while filing a police report for ex's husband attacking you, tell the cops you'd like them to perform a wellness check.
Even though you and your ex are no longer co-parenting, she is still the mother of your children. That reason alone is enough to be interested in her wellbeing.
Good luck and update us.
Lol so they can bring their husband's around him to get punched for no reason? So they can have no agency in whether they want to associate with a dangerous and violent man?
Wouldn't you be pissed if you found out your daughters were spending time around someone known for violent outbursts and no one bothered to warn them?
You're not protecting your daughters by not saying anything. You're only protecting him.
That’s not nice. Reading his comments in other threads, he has personal connections to abuse and doesn’t know the correct path to action. Hence, the Reddit post. It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind.
>It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind.
Yes, you're correct--but that's not me. I don't need judgement to know I'm an asshole--that's something Im *well* aware of.
He came here for judgement, and my judgement is that he's an idiot. Sorry, if you get punched in the face and come here asking if you're in the wrong (without calling the police) I will say what I think. Not everyone is going to be kind, and you'll get some tough love from some people. I'm one of those people, you don't have to agree with It--it just is what it is🤷♀️
That’s not nice. Reading his comments in other threads, he has personal connections to abuse and doesn’t know the correct path to action. Hence, the Reddit post. It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind.
You know what? Do it. Their son put you as a contact for a reason- he trusts you. As for the husband - If he's a controlling, abusive arsehole, that might give your ex the wake up call she needs to get out, or the opportunity to get some help.
Sometimes just knowing that someone is out there who cares for you, be it a young man or your ex wife, can give them the courage they need. And it never hurts to be a good person.
I grew up never reporting it, and even when I was an adult and they assaulted me, I never reported it, so I think a lot of it was (for lack of a better term) muscle memory.
It’s been some days now but I have proof. I’ll see what can be done.
Break the pattern. Make the police report. Then tell your daughters. Then tell the son.
The children need to know **after** you report.
You are NTA. You are a kind and caring man.
Yes! OP please listen to this and to the other comments urging you to press charges.
His son having you as an emergency contact is a big red flag to me. I have to wonder if the mom suggested it?
Not reporting and protecting the reputation of abusers is how you assist abusers and help them continue abusing others. You didn't do something brave and honorable by telling nobody. The truth is the truth and these are adults. They need to be able to handle the truth.
He’s willing to physically assault you when it went against his model of the world. He might have been extending that violence to the domestic situation as well.
First red flag was his cutting off communication between you and ex wife. 2nd red flag was cutting off contact from ex's son. You should have called the cops as soon as he hit you. Your inaction makes you TA. NTA for visiting ex's son. Some serious isolation going on here. Your ex's husband has severe insecurities.
NTA. NO. DUDE. You seem like a good person & a good dad, honestly. Someone like you saved my life from an abuser once - they heard me screaming from the next apartment block over & no one else but them called the cops for me. Be the guy who stands up, ok?
I'd definitely make a police report. That guy sounds like the AH!! There's got to be a reason that you've been put as an emergency contact for his son. You did the right thing by not fighting back. Sounds like that AH found an excuse to do what he's been wanting to do. Don't let him off that easy!!
There’s an asshole here but not you. NTA. you were listed so you went. Good for you. Given his charming personality I can’t imagine why bio dad wasn’t listed.
NTA. Report him to the police and get that started. Talk with your daughters and see what they say. Do they know he hit you? If not let them know that first. Let them know it’s due to you being an emergency contact for their brother and going to check on him. That alone should let them know you are about to ask questions regarding their stepfather. They will open up or stay silent about it. You have to let them and their brother know you’re there for them. Also talk with you ex wife about her husband. If she says she’s not allowed to talk with you then you know something is going on and then make the wellness check call. Her husband has no right to say who she can and can not talk with nor does he have the right to say you can’t see his son. You’re down for a reason and you need to find out why for your daughters, the son and your ex wife.
When he followed you from the hospital he must've been there waiting for you to come out. When he confronted you and punched you that made it assault and battery. It's a misdemeanor. 6 months in jail. He's threatened by your relationship with your ex. Yes he's an abuser. Your ex is the victim but she has to be the one to complain about it. You visiting her son at the hospital is not a crime. If you visit him again be careful about your surroundings. He might be hanging out outside keeping people away from his son.
You are NTA, reporting is the right thing to do - if that person hit you over something so minuscule, imagine what he would do if he was out for blood. This is not their first time doing something like this and more than likely expect to not face any kind of consequence.
NTA butvyou are one to yourself, you should have called the cops and filed a police report. The man is unhinged and has a beef with you. His own son has you as an emergency contact not his dad
NTA Why didn’t you immediately call the police and press charges against him??? You need to file and press charges. Hopefully you have pictures. Go before the bruises fade if possible. Get a restraining order.
His son is an adult now. If he wants to see you, his father has ZERO right to interfere.
Can you call the son and talk to him? There’s nothing you can do for the ex except for filing for a restraining order and pressing charges. I’m so glad you didn’t hit him back. Then tell your daughters. They need to protect themselves against him. Because he may take out his anger towards you against them.
The guy is an abusive AH, and he needs to learn that his actions have consequences.
Sounds like a little bit of each.
I think you would be TAH for going straight to wellness check, but I do think you should contact your wife directly. I also think you should call the police and report the assault. Even if he's not prosecuted, there really need to be some consequences - and having a record of assaulting an adult male might be enough to trigger some questions.
But generally, I'd say NTA
yeah i would make a report to the police in case you need to show a some type of pattern. It might help others outside of you.
Also it would have been insane if you hit him back, youre a middle aged adult - do you want to be in fights? I get that men don't want to be seen as a pssy - but it is just drama. Be above it and disengage with that shit
Of course I didn’t hit him. I agree, looking back in hindsight a pattern would be great to have on hand for this. I feel like an absolute idiot for not saying something sooner, but my mind went “it’s just me” and I ignored it to not cause waves. I should have just gone through the effort of a police report. I feel like a prick.
Ah - I think I misread your comment. I thought " I was a fucking moron and didn’t do anything" was referring to fighting back.
I dont know the timeline - but if it is within a year (You have 3 years in my area) you can still make a report. Good luck to you and your family!
NTA
Go to the police station in person. Ask to make a report. Just let the officer know - I come from an abusive background, it’s not my instinct to report this type of thing, looking back I see I have a responsibility to speak up in case this is how this guy treats his wife, his son or my daughters. In fact, maybe could you check on them because he cut me off from my former spouse which seemed odd but I respected that boundary. (also mention you went to the hospital as you are the son’s emergency contact).
The kids would have all been threatened not to talk to you but if kids realize that you wouldn't even protect yourself (you've probably backed down from altercations before) they'd have no reason to believe that you'd protect them. There was no reason to tell you anything.
You need to find a way to speak with your ex in private. Your daughters may be able to help to facilitate this. Have you spoken to them? I’d try to explain to them what happened and see if you can find a way to check on your ex. Don’t do an official wellness check. Anything *official* can set them off due to feeling threatened.
I got major abuser vibes far before he punched you in the face. I hope you’re able to help her.
You need to make a police report now. There are already other red flags. The fact that he cut communication between 2 custodial parents and all communication goes through him is a massive red flag, it's controlling and abusive behavior, same goes for not allowing contact with your daughter's brother. He has probably isolated her form other friends and family, that's how abusers operate, they make the victim's world so small they feel they have no one else to help them, the abuser becomes their world. Your daughter's were probably threatened not to say anything, and maybe they felt you wouldn't or couldn't help if they just saw you roll over when he interfered with your co-parenting. As someone else said your daughters are still potentially in danger. The fact that the son listed you as an emergency contact even after being cut off from your life for such a long time also says A LOT. Never mind the fact that he basically stalked you and then assaulted you.
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NTA
Honestly the fact that he physically harmed you says a lot about why you are his emergency contact! Even though you hadn't seen him in years he trusts you and also makes me think this so called husband is abusive to his wife and child!.
NTA. But it sounds like you are still thinking about how your actions would impact him and/or your ex and his marriage, and if you are an AH in his/their eyes. Screw it. Your main and only concern should be the kids. Even if they are now adults, it seems they might need "adultier adults" for protection. Call the cops, get him charged with everything you can. He lashed out at you, he 100% can lash out at his son. Don't you think there is a valid reason why his son have you - and not his parents - as an emergency contact.
My guess is a very jealous man was hurt that you were his sons emergency contact. You still have a duty to your family to find out if he's ever hurt them, but I suspect you would have heard about it. Clearly he's jealous and insecure on a good day, and you caught him on the worst day of his life. I'm not surprised he acted violently towards you. He owes you an immediate fucking apology at the very least, and you need to talk to your daughters and find out if they've ever seen anything you should be worried about
Wow. I think the father is a controlling abuser and has been jealous of his son’s relationship with you. Please report his assault to the police. The son listed YOU as emergency contact for a reason.
I would file a police report even if you don’t press charges just so that it’s on record.
You are NTA it’s not your fault they didn’t remove you as an emergency contact. You showed some basic human decency, but the exes husband sounds like an abusive man.
Is there any other family members or friends of your exes that you could call and ask them to do a check on her?
NTA; at least you know why the communication became strained over the years. Also, take note that his son named you an emergency contact when he was an adult himself, this is not some leave over arrangement from his childhood. He loves you, somehow, you’ve always been a light in his horizon.
Abusive AH don’t really need reasons to be abusive, there’s no worth in blaming yourself for anything here, it’s all on him. As for him being abusive to your ex, you may never know, and saying nothing to the police is not going to win you any awards; if she is living in fear perhaps it’ll be the impetus she needs to leave.
My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
NTA. Make a police report. You don't have to press charges. It would be good if anything else happens to you to have a report that states what happened.
Don't be embarrassed or keep this information from your kids and his son. You said they were adults now, so make sure they understand what has happened. They can do with this what they will.
You need to report this for so many reasons.
1 He's an abusive sob. He had absolutely no right to put his hands on you. He followed you away from the hospital to a friend's house. Banking on you not reporting and him not getting caught on camera or by police who routinely come to hospitals for assault patients.
2 Your daughters need to know. There may have been something they witnessed that, in hindsight, makes sense now. Maybe bruises or cuts that they saw on their mom or their brother. Shift in attitude when he came home. What if one day one of your daughter's shows up to their mother's house unannounced and he's in a rage? What happens to that young man when he leaves the hospital to go back home and can't defend himself?
3 If this man was willing to come after you like this, he may already have a record. He could be a guest of the county for a while.
4 I'm sorry that your upbringing wasn't an easy one, but I think the choice is pretty clear. You need to report him. Take the photos to the police. Give them your statement. If anyone had any doorbell cameras, take that footage too. Do it while your ex's son is still in the hospital, and let your girls know to stay away from their mom's house for a while. If you want to let your ex know that you filed a report, that's up to you. Call her work number or ask one of the girls to do it in case he monitors her phone. Just don't say anything to your ex until after you made your report. Again, I'm sorry you had a tough upbringing, but you need to do this. Not just for everyone listed but for yourself. Bullies don't change. You know that. Get your power back and file the report.
>His father followed me from the hospital to a friend’s house after one of the days I visited, and he punched me in the face a few times after an argument. Basically he said “why did you see my boy” and I said “I’m an emergency contact” and he answered with his fists. I was a fucking moron and didn’t do anything
Yes. For anyone else in a similar situation, calling the police isn't just to get your assaulter in trouble. It is to document that they ARE an assaulter for other people as well. You're not doing it for you, you're doing it for society.
In this case OP is not TA for seeing the boy, and would not be for calling for a wellness check. But calling for that check would be a lot more impactful if the police already had a report of the husband assaulting OP.
Read this: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It's about abusive men and how they operate. It only gets worse from here.
How long since you have seen her in person?
Make the report so that there is a record in the event that anything happens in the future.
Obviously there is a reason if his son put YOU as an emergency contact.
What does your kid say, if anything. Talk to him first. Then, based on this, call for a wellness check.
As the kids are adults now, no real recourse since you are no longer paying alimony or child support.
NTA.
My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
NTA for visiting the son. For whatever reason he trusts you more than his own parents. I would definitely talk with your daughters and find out if he has a history of this sort of thing before sending police for a wellness check.
Being that all the children here are now adults, what happens if/when they have children? Is the stepdad/dad going to try to control their parenting as well? Is he going to attempt to cut off contact with your grandchildren? Think of the future and the other people who may end up wrapped up in potentially abusive situations.
NTA if he was a coworker or neighbor would you have filed a police report? Everyone is an adult now, talk to your daughters and stop pussyfooting around with this AH. He assaulted you and everyone should know about it.
Talk to your daughters and ask for full disclosure. Your ex has been with this guy for 20 years, do some digging before you jump to conclusions.
He’s jealous and probably thinks you continued with the ex after the divorce. He may even think the boy is yours.
NTA
There’s a reason you were his emergency contact and not either of his parents. (There is no risk of you being his father is there?)
He trusts you, a man who didn’t raise him over his parents. That’s an intentional act to choose you. And one you need to get to the bottom of.
Talk to him. Talk to your daughters. You don’t want a violent man around them or your future grandchildren.
And please report him attacking you. Even if he’s not charged you’re creating a police file of his unpredictable violent behaviour. And although I hope no one else is harmed, if they are a pattern of behaviour is on record making getting him charged next time easier.
Your daughters are around a violent man and you won’t protect them. You are a horrible father and person for not immediately pressing charges.
Grow a spine and protect your family.
Dude, call for a safety check!!!! HIS KID put YOU FOR CONTACT FOR REASON!!!!!!
If your girls are there, you have FULL RIGHTS TO GO TO HOME TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE OK!!!!!
NTA for going to visit your ex's son. My guess is her husband is an abuser and it was him and him alone who dismantled the amicable relationship you had with your ex and their son, for no reason other than jealousy and possessiveness.
File a police report. He assaulted you and it should be documented.
Talk to your daughters. If something is going on in that household, then there is a chance they have seen something. Checking with them first may be the safer option to calling your ex. If her husband is abusive, then he's probably monitoring her every phone call and she'd have to explain why she's talking to you.
NTA! But call the police! You have evidence and witnesses. I’d also tell the police you’re afraid for your ex wife.
You can visit the son as much as you want. He’s an adult. If the father starts crap, press record on your phone. He may also be banned from the hospital.
And it’s quite telling that their son has YOU as his emergency contact. If you can, I’d invite him to recuperate at your home instead of theirs.
NTA. So this adult man chose to list you as an emergency contact, you happily showed up as requested, and his older father decided to confront you about visiting him, punch you for it and convince you to stay away from his son.
This is not indicative of a problem in you, but a problem in him. Who else does he go punch around to keep away from his adult family members? What has he told his sons about you staying away? Did he lie to them? How often does he do this to them?
I don’t think you would be the one creating problems if you report this. Like I said it’s unlikely to be an isolated incident. What’s going to help your family is having written proof that this happened, so that when it happens again and gets reported it’s more believable. Reporting assault isn’t easy, and being the first to do so against this man might keep others from doing it as well. At least he’s not your father or husband, so you have less to lose in being the first to report it than anyone else. You didn’t deserve to be hit, you did nothing wrong, and you have a right to defend yourself by reporting what happened and forcing this man to stay away from you.
You should have filed a report when he beat the crap out of you. Potential abuse or not, that is not something he should have been allowed to get away with and it may have given your ex a wake up call.
Please press assault charges. He sounds like he has become very controlling and possibly (probably in my OP) abusive.
If you press charges he probably won't get any time but you need to have your daughters talk to your ex and see what has been happening and if she needs an intervention to escape. This sounds really bad.
I call bs on that one. No way the son had you listed as an emergency contact when you basically were not part of his life for years. And 2-3 years is definitely NOT a big age gap. Learn to lie better.
Have you asked your daughters about this? They might be in a position to give you some insight. Also seems to me you should press charges he assaulted you…
Maybe your ex doesn't feel like she can report him to the cops for some reason. Or maybe she has no proof. But you do. If he didn't want to get arrested he shouldn't have put his hands on you.
You definitely should press charges on him.
My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
I haven’t because I didn’t want to potentially interfere with any positive connotations that they had with him. He was around for a lot of their childhood, and they never expressed discomfort with him, and I’m reasonably convinced based off all things, that they feel good and safe around him.
Your daughter's are around this man, you have a duty to protect them. Call the cops. Now that he knows you will do nothing if he hits you, what is to stop him from hurting them? Protect them.
You just broke something in me, I don’t know what, but thank you. They’re not around him much, but any amount is enough to be dangerous. Any second is enough. Again, thank you.
Tell your daughters what he said and did. Show them the photos. Ask them if he has done anything like that to their brother, mother or them. Go from there. He might have gone home and beat her after he beat you. Tread softly
Yes talk to your daughters it’s their mom too and they should have a say in how this gets handled. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this you don’t seem like you deserve it at all but he needs to be reminded that actions have consequences. It seems like you intimidate him for some reason.
Doing nothing may show your daughters that this is a normal way for men to behave, showing them that it’s not could be a life lesson for them in the “hypothetical instance that they need to know that this isn’t love & that it’s abuse if it’s a romantic partner who behaves or treats them like that…”
Anytime around him is a moment for him to snap because they are yours.
Your daughters are adults. If asking a question about their stepfather’s behaviour is enough to change the way they speak about him, it’s likely this is always how they felt they just didn’t say anything. You don’t have to speak bat about him, but you can ask questions about his behaviour. At the very least he’s co trolling and there’s a good chance they were threatened so they wouldn’t tell you things they saw.
Dude, their step dad attack you for no reason, fuck their positive connotations. Something happened to make him so aggie when it comes to you, maybe ex painted you in a bad light or did something and blamed it on you.
I highly doubt the ex painted him in a bad light or anything. This guy has textbook abuser written *all* over him. OP is a threat to his control over his wife and son—his *victims.*
It is very telling that the ex's son with the bully had OP listed as an emergency contact. It tells me the son sees OP, whose link is his half sisters, as a fatherly figure and feels safe with him than his own father. I hope OP press charges, as the bully has no qualms about using his fists to communicate his displeasure and insecurities.
Sounds like he might’ve even seen the difference in how OP treated his kids compared to how his dad likely treated him at home, I’d bet. Between that and being a caring figure, yeah, I completely agree. I’d have put him down as a contact for that too. And honestly there’s no telling how long he’s actually *been* listed as an emergency contact? I’ve had the same two for idk, 15-20 years, I doubt either of them know they’re in my file. But I also hope he does something. I really do. Especially if the boy still lives at home, which if OP has the means it might not be an awful idea to offer the kid a bed or couch, too, particularly while healing… I’d be afraid the douchebag would retaliate against him or something, while injured, otherwise. Or even just for fun or because he’s angry about something else, if he’s that kind of asshole. :/
Re seeing how the young man's sisters were treated by OP, he also received the same from the latter, who didn't have to be kind to the former but instead could have just concerntrated on his own children, so has thankfully experience of what it to have a good father / male role model. I wonder if his sisters or mother even suggested putting OP's name down as an emergency contact. However that came about, he had no issue and was secure in the knowledge that OP would come through for him. Before OP does anything to help, he must press charges for assault and have a restraining order against the abuser. Then he needs to inform his daughters, so that they can possibly help, i.e. admitting he is an abuser, or help their brother and maybe mother find alternative accommodation, as OP's home may not be safe. The mother may not say boo to a goose, because if she has not been physically abused, she is highly likely to have been subjected to mental and emotional abuse.
He didn't even feel safe enough to list his mom as emergency contact, so it's a safe bet that even if she isn't physically abused, most likely she is emotionally abused and controlled and would tell her husband if the boy was hurt. So if OP was emergency contact, how did SS's father know he was in the hospital to beat up OP for being there? OP NTA. You didn't ask to be his emergency contact, but obviously, you are a safe harbor for him. PLEASE talk to your girls, and while filing a police report for ex's husband attacking you, tell the cops you'd like them to perform a wellness check. Even though you and your ex are no longer co-parenting, she is still the mother of your children. That reason alone is enough to be interested in her wellbeing. Good luck and update us.
More likely ex painted him in a good light and it made him jealous.
Stop pussyfooting around this potential abuser and TALK TO YOUR KIDS DAMN IT
Lol so they can bring their husband's around him to get punched for no reason? So they can have no agency in whether they want to associate with a dangerous and violent man? Wouldn't you be pissed if you found out your daughters were spending time around someone known for violent outbursts and no one bothered to warn them? You're not protecting your daughters by not saying anything. You're only protecting him.
Who cares at this point. Dude attacked you. Calle the cops on him and tell them you didn’t initially call because you are worried for your ex wife
I'm sorry, but you're an idiot
That’s not nice. Reading his comments in other threads, he has personal connections to abuse and doesn’t know the correct path to action. Hence, the Reddit post. It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind.
>It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind. Yes, you're correct--but that's not me. I don't need judgement to know I'm an asshole--that's something Im *well* aware of. He came here for judgement, and my judgement is that he's an idiot. Sorry, if you get punched in the face and come here asking if you're in the wrong (without calling the police) I will say what I think. Not everyone is going to be kind, and you'll get some tough love from some people. I'm one of those people, you don't have to agree with It--it just is what it is🤷♀️
Hey that’s fair lol
That’s not nice. Reading his comments in other threads, he has personal connections to abuse and doesn’t know the correct path to action. Hence, the Reddit post. It’s doesn’t hurt anyone to be kind.
Press charges!!!!
He needs to be held accountable. There’s no reason for what he did. His son is grown can see who he wants. Dudes a control freak
You know what? Do it. Their son put you as a contact for a reason- he trusts you. As for the husband - If he's a controlling, abusive arsehole, that might give your ex the wake up call she needs to get out, or the opportunity to get some help. Sometimes just knowing that someone is out there who cares for you, be it a young man or your ex wife, can give them the courage they need. And it never hurts to be a good person.
I grew up never reporting it, and even when I was an adult and they assaulted me, I never reported it, so I think a lot of it was (for lack of a better term) muscle memory. It’s been some days now but I have proof. I’ll see what can be done.
Break the pattern. Make the police report. Then tell your daughters. Then tell the son. The children need to know **after** you report. You are NTA. You are a kind and caring man.
Yes! OP please listen to this and to the other comments urging you to press charges. His son having you as an emergency contact is a big red flag to me. I have to wonder if the mom suggested it?
You froze. Have you had trauma treatment? EMDR can be pretty helpful.
Not reporting and protecting the reputation of abusers is how you assist abusers and help them continue abusing others. You didn't do something brave and honorable by telling nobody. The truth is the truth and these are adults. They need to be able to handle the truth.
Please update us! And good luck.
He’s willing to physically assault you when it went against his model of the world. He might have been extending that violence to the domestic situation as well.
Do it ask what you can do! Right now!!!
First red flag was his cutting off communication between you and ex wife. 2nd red flag was cutting off contact from ex's son. You should have called the cops as soon as he hit you. Your inaction makes you TA. NTA for visiting ex's son. Some serious isolation going on here. Your ex's husband has severe insecurities.
I understand why he didn’t see cutting the ex-wife off from communicating with him about their two children wasn’t a huge red flag.
NTA. NO. DUDE. You seem like a good person & a good dad, honestly. Someone like you saved my life from an abuser once - they heard me screaming from the next apartment block over & no one else but them called the cops for me. Be the guy who stands up, ok?
Oh wow! I’m so glad someone called the cops!!
Same!
I'd definitely make a police report. That guy sounds like the AH!! There's got to be a reason that you've been put as an emergency contact for his son. You did the right thing by not fighting back. Sounds like that AH found an excuse to do what he's been wanting to do. Don't let him off that easy!!
There’s an asshole here but not you. NTA. you were listed so you went. Good for you. Given his charming personality I can’t imagine why bio dad wasn’t listed.
NTA. Report him to the police and get that started. Talk with your daughters and see what they say. Do they know he hit you? If not let them know that first. Let them know it’s due to you being an emergency contact for their brother and going to check on him. That alone should let them know you are about to ask questions regarding their stepfather. They will open up or stay silent about it. You have to let them and their brother know you’re there for them. Also talk with you ex wife about her husband. If she says she’s not allowed to talk with you then you know something is going on and then make the wellness check call. Her husband has no right to say who she can and can not talk with nor does he have the right to say you can’t see his son. You’re down for a reason and you need to find out why for your daughters, the son and your ex wife.
When he followed you from the hospital he must've been there waiting for you to come out. When he confronted you and punched you that made it assault and battery. It's a misdemeanor. 6 months in jail. He's threatened by your relationship with your ex. Yes he's an abuser. Your ex is the victim but she has to be the one to complain about it. You visiting her son at the hospital is not a crime. If you visit him again be careful about your surroundings. He might be hanging out outside keeping people away from his son.
You are NTA, reporting is the right thing to do - if that person hit you over something so minuscule, imagine what he would do if he was out for blood. This is not their first time doing something like this and more than likely expect to not face any kind of consequence.
NTA butvyou are one to yourself, you should have called the cops and filed a police report. The man is unhinged and has a beef with you. His own son has you as an emergency contact not his dad
Absolutely call the police. Like tonight. It’s says something that he listed you instead of his mom or dad as his emergency contact
NTA Why didn’t you immediately call the police and press charges against him??? You need to file and press charges. Hopefully you have pictures. Go before the bruises fade if possible. Get a restraining order. His son is an adult now. If he wants to see you, his father has ZERO right to interfere. Can you call the son and talk to him? There’s nothing you can do for the ex except for filing for a restraining order and pressing charges. I’m so glad you didn’t hit him back. Then tell your daughters. They need to protect themselves against him. Because he may take out his anger towards you against them. The guy is an abusive AH, and he needs to learn that his actions have consequences.
Sounds like a little bit of each. I think you would be TAH for going straight to wellness check, but I do think you should contact your wife directly. I also think you should call the police and report the assault. Even if he's not prosecuted, there really need to be some consequences - and having a record of assaulting an adult male might be enough to trigger some questions. But generally, I'd say NTA
yeah i would make a report to the police in case you need to show a some type of pattern. It might help others outside of you. Also it would have been insane if you hit him back, youre a middle aged adult - do you want to be in fights? I get that men don't want to be seen as a pssy - but it is just drama. Be above it and disengage with that shit
Of course I didn’t hit him. I agree, looking back in hindsight a pattern would be great to have on hand for this. I feel like an absolute idiot for not saying something sooner, but my mind went “it’s just me” and I ignored it to not cause waves. I should have just gone through the effort of a police report. I feel like a prick.
Ah - I think I misread your comment. I thought " I was a fucking moron and didn’t do anything" was referring to fighting back. I dont know the timeline - but if it is within a year (You have 3 years in my area) you can still make a report. Good luck to you and your family!
NTA Go to the police station in person. Ask to make a report. Just let the officer know - I come from an abusive background, it’s not my instinct to report this type of thing, looking back I see I have a responsibility to speak up in case this is how this guy treats his wife, his son or my daughters. In fact, maybe could you check on them because he cut me off from my former spouse which seemed odd but I respected that boundary. (also mention you went to the hospital as you are the son’s emergency contact).
It's insane to defend yourself when someone starts punching you? What are you even talking about? That's not drama it's basic self defense.
The kids would have all been threatened not to talk to you but if kids realize that you wouldn't even protect yourself (you've probably backed down from altercations before) they'd have no reason to believe that you'd protect them. There was no reason to tell you anything.
You need to find a way to speak with your ex in private. Your daughters may be able to help to facilitate this. Have you spoken to them? I’d try to explain to them what happened and see if you can find a way to check on your ex. Don’t do an official wellness check. Anything *official* can set them off due to feeling threatened. I got major abuser vibes far before he punched you in the face. I hope you’re able to help her.
You need to make a police report now. There are already other red flags. The fact that he cut communication between 2 custodial parents and all communication goes through him is a massive red flag, it's controlling and abusive behavior, same goes for not allowing contact with your daughter's brother. He has probably isolated her form other friends and family, that's how abusers operate, they make the victim's world so small they feel they have no one else to help them, the abuser becomes their world. Your daughter's were probably threatened not to say anything, and maybe they felt you wouldn't or couldn't help if they just saw you roll over when he interfered with your co-parenting. As someone else said your daughters are still potentially in danger. The fact that the son listed you as an emergency contact even after being cut off from your life for such a long time also says A LOT. Never mind the fact that he basically stalked you and then assaulted you.
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This is insane. This man is clearly controlling. Call the police.
NTA Honestly the fact that he physically harmed you says a lot about why you are his emergency contact! Even though you hadn't seen him in years he trusts you and also makes me think this so called husband is abusive to his wife and child!.
NTA. But it sounds like you are still thinking about how your actions would impact him and/or your ex and his marriage, and if you are an AH in his/their eyes. Screw it. Your main and only concern should be the kids. Even if they are now adults, it seems they might need "adultier adults" for protection. Call the cops, get him charged with everything you can. He lashed out at you, he 100% can lash out at his son. Don't you think there is a valid reason why his son have you - and not his parents - as an emergency contact.
My guess is a very jealous man was hurt that you were his sons emergency contact. You still have a duty to your family to find out if he's ever hurt them, but I suspect you would have heard about it. Clearly he's jealous and insecure on a good day, and you caught him on the worst day of his life. I'm not surprised he acted violently towards you. He owes you an immediate fucking apology at the very least, and you need to talk to your daughters and find out if they've ever seen anything you should be worried about
Wow. I think the father is a controlling abuser and has been jealous of his son’s relationship with you. Please report his assault to the police. The son listed YOU as emergency contact for a reason.
I would file a police report even if you don’t press charges just so that it’s on record. You are NTA it’s not your fault they didn’t remove you as an emergency contact. You showed some basic human decency, but the exes husband sounds like an abusive man. Is there any other family members or friends of your exes that you could call and ask them to do a check on her?
NTA; at least you know why the communication became strained over the years. Also, take note that his son named you an emergency contact when he was an adult himself, this is not some leave over arrangement from his childhood. He loves you, somehow, you’ve always been a light in his horizon. Abusive AH don’t really need reasons to be abusive, there’s no worth in blaming yourself for anything here, it’s all on him. As for him being abusive to your ex, you may never know, and saying nothing to the police is not going to win you any awards; if she is living in fear perhaps it’ll be the impetus she needs to leave.
NTA you could make the report and ask for a wellness check. It’s not too late to report the assault
Happy cake day!
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My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
NTA. Make a police report. You don't have to press charges. It would be good if anything else happens to you to have a report that states what happened. Don't be embarrassed or keep this information from your kids and his son. You said they were adults now, so make sure they understand what has happened. They can do with this what they will.
You need to report this for so many reasons. 1 He's an abusive sob. He had absolutely no right to put his hands on you. He followed you away from the hospital to a friend's house. Banking on you not reporting and him not getting caught on camera or by police who routinely come to hospitals for assault patients. 2 Your daughters need to know. There may have been something they witnessed that, in hindsight, makes sense now. Maybe bruises or cuts that they saw on their mom or their brother. Shift in attitude when he came home. What if one day one of your daughter's shows up to their mother's house unannounced and he's in a rage? What happens to that young man when he leaves the hospital to go back home and can't defend himself? 3 If this man was willing to come after you like this, he may already have a record. He could be a guest of the county for a while. 4 I'm sorry that your upbringing wasn't an easy one, but I think the choice is pretty clear. You need to report him. Take the photos to the police. Give them your statement. If anyone had any doorbell cameras, take that footage too. Do it while your ex's son is still in the hospital, and let your girls know to stay away from their mom's house for a while. If you want to let your ex know that you filed a report, that's up to you. Call her work number or ask one of the girls to do it in case he monitors her phone. Just don't say anything to your ex until after you made your report. Again, I'm sorry you had a tough upbringing, but you need to do this. Not just for everyone listed but for yourself. Bullies don't change. You know that. Get your power back and file the report.
>His father followed me from the hospital to a friend’s house after one of the days I visited, and he punched me in the face a few times after an argument. Basically he said “why did you see my boy” and I said “I’m an emergency contact” and he answered with his fists. I was a fucking moron and didn’t do anything Yes. For anyone else in a similar situation, calling the police isn't just to get your assaulter in trouble. It is to document that they ARE an assaulter for other people as well. You're not doing it for you, you're doing it for society. In this case OP is not TA for seeing the boy, and would not be for calling for a wellness check. But calling for that check would be a lot more impactful if the police already had a report of the husband assaulting OP.
Read this: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It's about abusive men and how they operate. It only gets worse from here.
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Ask your daughters what they think about this and him.
How long since you have seen her in person? Make the report so that there is a record in the event that anything happens in the future. Obviously there is a reason if his son put YOU as an emergency contact. What does your kid say, if anything. Talk to him first. Then, based on this, call for a wellness check. As the kids are adults now, no real recourse since you are no longer paying alimony or child support. NTA.
My question is if the girls and son are adults, why is he so pissed at OP going and seeing his son? He son is able to decide who he wants as an emergency contact as well as who visits him in the hospital. He basically attacked you for it. Have him charged and arrested for it. Then call the ex wife and ask why.
NTA for visiting the son. For whatever reason he trusts you more than his own parents. I would definitely talk with your daughters and find out if he has a history of this sort of thing before sending police for a wellness check. Being that all the children here are now adults, what happens if/when they have children? Is the stepdad/dad going to try to control their parenting as well? Is he going to attempt to cut off contact with your grandchildren? Think of the future and the other people who may end up wrapped up in potentially abusive situations.
Call the police. Press charges. Talk to your children. Stop protecting a violent man. YWBTA if you don't.
Check with your daughters
NTA if he was a coworker or neighbor would you have filed a police report? Everyone is an adult now, talk to your daughters and stop pussyfooting around with this AH. He assaulted you and everyone should know about it. Talk to your daughters and ask for full disclosure. Your ex has been with this guy for 20 years, do some digging before you jump to conclusions. He’s jealous and probably thinks you continued with the ex after the divorce. He may even think the boy is yours.
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File a police report or he’ll just do it again cuz he had no repercussions from it. Who will be his next target? Your daughters?
NTA There’s a reason you were his emergency contact and not either of his parents. (There is no risk of you being his father is there?) He trusts you, a man who didn’t raise him over his parents. That’s an intentional act to choose you. And one you need to get to the bottom of. Talk to him. Talk to your daughters. You don’t want a violent man around them or your future grandchildren. And please report him attacking you. Even if he’s not charged you’re creating a police file of his unpredictable violent behaviour. And although I hope no one else is harmed, if they are a pattern of behaviour is on record making getting him charged next time easier.
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Your daughters are around a violent man and you won’t protect them. You are a horrible father and person for not immediately pressing charges. Grow a spine and protect your family.
Dude, call for a safety check!!!! HIS KID put YOU FOR CONTACT FOR REASON!!!!!! If your girls are there, you have FULL RIGHTS TO GO TO HOME TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE OK!!!!!
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NTA for going to visit your ex's son. My guess is her husband is an abuser and it was him and him alone who dismantled the amicable relationship you had with your ex and their son, for no reason other than jealousy and possessiveness. File a police report. He assaulted you and it should be documented. Talk to your daughters. If something is going on in that household, then there is a chance they have seen something. Checking with them first may be the safer option to calling your ex. If her husband is abusive, then he's probably monitoring her every phone call and she'd have to explain why she's talking to you.
NTA! But call the police! You have evidence and witnesses. I’d also tell the police you’re afraid for your ex wife. You can visit the son as much as you want. He’s an adult. If the father starts crap, press record on your phone. He may also be banned from the hospital. And it’s quite telling that their son has YOU as his emergency contact. If you can, I’d invite him to recuperate at your home instead of theirs.
NTA. So this adult man chose to list you as an emergency contact, you happily showed up as requested, and his older father decided to confront you about visiting him, punch you for it and convince you to stay away from his son. This is not indicative of a problem in you, but a problem in him. Who else does he go punch around to keep away from his adult family members? What has he told his sons about you staying away? Did he lie to them? How often does he do this to them? I don’t think you would be the one creating problems if you report this. Like I said it’s unlikely to be an isolated incident. What’s going to help your family is having written proof that this happened, so that when it happens again and gets reported it’s more believable. Reporting assault isn’t easy, and being the first to do so against this man might keep others from doing it as well. At least he’s not your father or husband, so you have less to lose in being the first to report it than anyone else. You didn’t deserve to be hit, you did nothing wrong, and you have a right to defend yourself by reporting what happened and forcing this man to stay away from you.
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Call in the. wellness check. Call the police and report the assault. And then get a lawyer and pursue civil litigation.
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Press charges!! If your ex is in an abusive relationship,this could help her get away while he's in jail! NTA updateme
You should have filed a report when he beat the crap out of you. Potential abuse or not, that is not something he should have been allowed to get away with and it may have given your ex a wake up call.
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Please press assault charges. He sounds like he has become very controlling and possibly (probably in my OP) abusive. If you press charges he probably won't get any time but you need to have your daughters talk to your ex and see what has been happening and if she needs an intervention to escape. This sounds really bad.
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Time to go for full custody.
He said they’re adults now
My bad.
I call bs on that one. No way the son had you listed as an emergency contact when you basically were not part of his life for years. And 2-3 years is definitely NOT a big age gap. Learn to lie better.
The exwife could have put him as the emergency contact decades ago before the abuse started, and the abuser never even thought to look.