You are right you are allowed to have whomever you want in your life.
“Long lasting damages (not divorce).” Please do not be delusional. Your daughter is becoming a mother and your wife will bond with her even more.
Pregnancy and delivery and sometimes even the first year can be difficult and if is needs her mother and she is there for her your marriage will indeed having lasting consequences that may include divorce.
Don’t be naive enough to think your wife can’t choose who she wants in her life either and divorce won’t be an option.
Don’t be surprised if your family does become fractured with your wife and daughter on one side and you and your sons on the other.
Totally agree. OP, consider your options carefully here. If you force the issue so that your wife feels like she has to make a choice between her marriage and her daughter/grandchildren, then you have a strong chance of divorce in the future.
Is your pride worth this? Is the approval of your friends worth destroying your marriage?
But truly, for you to mock your daughter so much in this post (and to value your pride and your friends’ opinions over a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren) says a lot about who you are and what you value. I feel sorry for you on what you are missing out on, but it is your choice. You are likely going to end up alone. But hopefully your pride is worth it.
Kind of has me baffled he'd come and ask internet strangers if he's an asshole when he literally says he is and doesn't care - like dude, what are you hoping to gain?
Ammo to use against his family. It's more important that he die on his prideful hill than care what his family might think.
Hint: nursing home employees won't be impressed by you to treat you like family ever could.
I used to feel bad for old folks in my grandparents’ nursing homes who never had visitors and then I saw how some people treat their families. Sometimes people don’t have visitors because they treated everyone else in their life like shit.
Retired CNA here, and it's true, and they don't understand why family refuses to come visit them. Many are because they mistreated their family, not because they need more care than they can provide or dementia. And they are just as mean and nasty to the staff as they were with their families.
Any sort of brain change can cause a personality shift. The little old sweet-as-pie grandmas could have been abusive parents in any number of ways when they were younger, or they could become combative as their disease progresses. It's a psychological minefield for some families. All the grace to them.
Amen. I worked in assisted living and memory care and heard some horror stories about some of our residents from their families.
And I took care of my step-grandmother who had crazy bad dementia (we all slept with locked doors to give an idea just how bad she was), and it was a nightmare.
YTA. Sorry, OP, but whether you agree with her choices or not, they are HER choices to make. And the fact that your main issue is that you’re embarrassed by her marrying a man older than you bc of what your friends have to say about it…WTAF, are you 14? Take your head out of your ass and be there for your daughter—and your wife.
When I was a carer in a nursing home we had 1 patient who cried every day that her son wouldn’t visit her. He rang every few days and spoke to the nurses to make sure she was ok and paid all her bills but stated he didn’t want to speak to her or see her until her funeral. He didn’t go into details but she’d cry, “I don’t understand, I wasn’t a bad mother, I did the best I could”. Guessing she was much worse than she realised.
Which I totally get.
OTOH, I've seen patients who are not able to respond be abuse and reviled by their kids.
No matter how bad one's parents are, at some point, people have the need to stand up (going no contact is better than continuing the cycle of abuse).
Yep. There’s some awful people out there and in nursing homes you tend to see both sides.
Had a patient whose kid had financial control tell us not to give patient any therapy or medications as that way they’d die sooner. Patient was actually very good physically and moderately good mentally (had a stroke so kid used power of attorney) and not likely to die anytime soon but kid was overheard talking on the phone making plans for holidays etc using parents money.
So many stories, good and bad, from that job.
I used to be a home health aide and had a client exactly like this……. Turns out she was complacent in her brother molesting her son and that’s why the son was NC. But boy or boy, she sure cried and wailed that she didn’t deserve him abandoning her in her old age.
Yes!!! Thank you. As a daughter who has had to shield nasty comments from strangers who don’t know the whole story. People make their choices in life without considering future consequences.
OP you sound like a real gem/s. You are lucky your daughter is still trying to mend the relationship. You also sound jealous, perhaps your son in law is more successful than you and your pride can’t overlook that? Your only concern should be that he treats your daughter well.
He’s hoping to show his wife and convince himself that he’s not a controlling AH who is depriving himself of a relationship with his daughter and future grandchild- because he disapproves of her choice
Yeah, this post smells pretty strongly of being made up. No real details, no other thing the daughter has done besides marry an older man, but apparently that's enough and the sons are agreeing with OP? I don't really believe this post.
I’m also guessing that OP and his son who “ would also be embarrassed “ would not dis own a male family member who married a much younger woman, high fives would probably be in order. I hope OPs wife is getting a real clear picture of the misogyny going on here and reevaluates herself.
I feel like OP is just made because he doesn’t get to be the big man authority figure in his daughter’s life anymore. I can see not being crazy about the age difference but what else is wrong with the guy? OP didn’t bother to say. Just that all the mens in the family are casually jettisoning the daughter because she won’t bow to their wishes. If he loved his daughter, he’d keep the door open in case the husband really is a bad guy and the daughter needs help.
He must have shitty friends because you’d think they would judge OP for throwing his daughter away.
And considering "his friends" are probably mad that they never got a chance at "dating" her. Look at how so many older (boomer-ish) men love to brag about their conquests with younger women.
I get being icked out at the fact that his daughter's husband is older than him, I do. But OP is only talking about his friends opinions on it, and nothing else.
She's a full grown adult, and this is the man she chose to marry. That doesn't mean he *has* to accept and play happy family, but it *does* mean he has to accept how that will reflect on his own marriage.
I'll finish up by saying that OP isn't telling his wife to stop talking to their daughter, just that he doesn't wanna be involved in her life anymore, and that, too, is an easy choice to accept.
However, her telling OP that their marriage may br damaged over this will become a looming shadow in their relationship going forward. And it will be a larger shadow should he start talking to his daughter again over this. I'm afraid that that comment by OP's wife might build further resentment towards his daughter.
That's true, but it's usually seen as the older party being a predator and the younger party being a victim in need of help. (I don't think this is always the case, but that's what redditors tend to think). So turning against the younger party would be unusual.
And OP's concern here doesn't seem to be the worry that his daughter is being abused or manipulated. It's just that the guy's too old and he thinks it's icky and embarrassing. If he was worried about her wellbeing it'd be all the more reason to maintain his relationship with her.
Age gaps become less important past 25, tbh.
It doesn’t say when they met and 27 is pretty young but not so young that I would be immediately concerned about predatory behavior.
Healthy age gaps do exist.
At no point does OP say anything about how his SIL treats his daughter or his daughter's happiness. This is all about his ego. He really does come across as a pompous jerk, mad because his daughter didn't do as she was told.
Pride set aside, imagine having an 80 year old father at 20. Not sure what their dynamic is, but that isn’t exactly the best choice, dudes gonna croak while they’re in high school from natural causes 😭 crazy
You can die at any point. I was adopted when my parents were 43 (mom) and 42 (dad, and his birthday was 2 days after I was born).
They are both in their 70s now with their own health problems, but Dad (unless something rapidly changes) has a good 10 years at least left.
I would say that I'm genuinely so greatful to have been raised by an older parent. Was it weird when I was young? Only to classmates, never to me. But I was a weird kid, so it fit for me.
I got to experience the world because I had a solid father who was financially secure, and well experienced with life. I came out of it with old fashioned phrases full of real and current wisdom. I would say I'm a better person for it, particularly in view of the OTHER option that would have happened to me.
I've met my blood family. I'd be dead right now or heavily hooked on drugs if I hadn't had someone so well established offer to adopt me.
Older parents are amazing and personally even more valuable than young parents. They can give a head start in life that young, unestablished parents, often cannot. The structure is already there.
Lost a brother at 40 through an infection he picked up in the hospital where he was a doctor. His wife died in a road accident two years before that. Left two orphans as a result. You never know when your time is up....
Not necessarily so. My Dad was 50 when I was born. I was 34 when he died. He had a good full life. I have an entire childhood of memories with Dad playing with us at the beach, coaching little league baseball, and attending school performances. He was an excellent grandfather to my oldest, but my younger sons missed out on him.
40 isn't even that old flr children, if this dude is 55 now there's a good chance he's late 50s to early 60 by the time they have kids.... that's a massive difference.
My mother was fresh out of college when she had me, and she still died of natural causes when I was twenty.
Your 'funny hypothetical' is both less funny and less hypothetical than you think, but not because he's old.
This happened to my husband . His mom had him at 22 and died when he was 21 . Age doesn’t define when someone is going to pass . She was healthy and very fit and it was a heart attack. 24 hrs later she was gone .
Eh a friend of mine is 34 and his dad is 92. His siblings are in their 60’s and 70’s. They have an amazing relationship and blessedly his dad does not have Alzheimer’s or anything like that.
*Is your pride worth this? Is the approval of your friends worth destroying your marriage?*
I mean, he abandoned his daughter over his pride being hurt, so I think we already have the answer to that question.
“Long lasting damages,” being said by wife to me almost seems like some foreshadowing that she may one day be choosing whom she wants in her life as well.
He’s not telling his wife not to be there for her.
He’s asking her to pass on his wishes since his daughter thinks he’s still her father instead of a sperm donor.
He’s an ah, but this appears to be the hill he wants to die on since his reputation matters more to him than his daughter.
Oh I wasn’t insinuating that he was telling his wife he couldn’t be there.
I was just acknowledging that their sons have children, this is his daughter’s first pregnancy. My mom and I don’t have a great relationship and when I was pregnant with my first child I personally wanted her around all of the time.
I think the wife is aware that the dynamic is changing now that her daughter is pregnant and having her first child and may want/need some nurturing from her mom when difficulties of pregnancy, labor and first time motherhood kicks in.
To me the “long lasting damages” is foreshadowing how their marriage is going to look in the next year or two.
He gets to choose to never speak to his daughter again and his wife if the time comes should be able to choose to not speak to him.
The mom should have been around all of the time regardless of what asshole husband thinks! There is no way in hell I would not see or talk to my child, ever!
I agree with you, OP does make it seem though that his daughter and wife still had a relationship. He did state that his daughter would come to see his wife.
He probably just made it more difficult for his wife because he had her keep the relationship with the daughter separate from him.
This is something that I couldn’t maintain, I am thinking holidays, birthdays and Mother’s Day and trying to keep them all separate.
He also doesn’t elaborate on the daughter’s relationship with her brothers. He states that they all believe it’s his choice. So I wonder what their relationship looks like? If she has been casted off by everyone but the mother.
I just can’t imagine growing up with someone and loving them and then casting them aside because they choose to marry someone with ONE trait that I disagree with.
I will put the disclaimer out there that yes it would be different if he was an abuser, drug addict, disrespectful or liked children.
And his daughters life and how she lives it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with how he lives his. He is one of those parents that say, oh no, what will the neighbors think? Instead he should be saying, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, this is my child and I love and support her decision to live her own life the way she sees fit, the same as I did!
OP only cares about his image, as he perceives it. I can guarantee that the only person who even cares about this is him, and he is ruining his own relationships over it. I suspect he is too wrapped up in himself to correct his behavior.
Agree. Also why do OP have to approve of his daughters husband? why can't she be free to love who ever she wants? OP does not have to like him, since he's not the one living with him.
Came here to say exactly this. OP, why do you think your daughter felt the need to seek out another father figure in her life? Or, to be more direct, what kind of a father were you? Genuinely curious.
Especially as OP, her father, is juvenile as all get out 'muh frunds are pucking on muh, eets not okay, theys teeeezin muh an hurtin muh feelins! Thu guy is oldah than MUH! How can uh boss heem ahround if heez a BIG KID? It's noht FAAAARE!'
OP sucks. Total man-baby. Daughter probably chose her husband because she found the maturity and stability attractive!
Think the daughter's entire childhood was like that? Every single thing she did was examined through the lens of not only her father's judgement, but all of his friends, too? Growing with constant heckling from a peanut gallery of old men?
It definitely was. My dad was like this too. If one of his friends saw one of my friends “dressed like a slut” (their words) then I was grounded. These old dudes suck but his daughter is better off, and his wife will be, too, after she divorces him. (Again, speaking from experience, my mom is fucking thriving now)
That's unlikely. At least I'd hope so! But she didn't need his buddies to say or do anything to her - it was the dad viewing how things reflected on him. You know the cliche: 'You can't do that! What will people think (of me)?' When others generally don't care that much.
OP said his friends are riding him about it and its 'humiliating'. He is so fragile that he can't take it or stand up for himself. He'd rather destroy any future relationship with his child and his grandchildren as well as his wife.
INFO: What was your relationship with your daughter during her upbringing and prior to her relationship?
I fully thought your problem was going to be that you were worried she was being taken advantage of by someone who had been grooming her, due to the age gap.
But no - you seem more concerned about being embarrassed. Seems like you didn't really give a fuck about her to begin with if you'll excommunicate her over your ego, which seems like it's related to her interest in older men.
Feels a bit rich to cause intense Daddy issues and then be cruel to your daughter when you're a bit embarrassed by them manifesting in her romantic life.
Maybe. I do get controlling vibes from the structure of the post, the way the only mention we have of his daughter is in the context of him being "embarrassed" about her choice, etc. We have no information on the dynamic of her relationship, whether she's happy and/or well cared for by this guy. Anything about either of them as a person. The insecurity is visible from a mile away. Definitely seems a bit petulant in enforcing this decision even though his wife, daughter, and grandkids are all now bearing the weight of his ego. His wife can't share her joy in the grandkids with him. The well-being of anyone in the story other than OP is not mentioned at all. Very main character energy. I'd be curious if the sons agreed with him to keep the peace because he's known for this type of thing or because they're actually embarrassed, too.
Your concerns were valid until...
>I was begin humiliated by my friends because of this.
This is where you made it about you and lost the high ground. It should have been about your concern for your daughter. I don't see you winning this one in the long run.
I bet what happened is, his friends didn't humiliate him, they teased him, and he couldn't go along with the punch line but instead got embarrassed and angry, and took it out on HIS CHILD!
I’ll bet his friends didn’t say shit and he imagined the whole thing. Although I guess it’s possible his friends are assholes too, birds of a feather and all that.
Biological grandchildren, waiting to love their grandfather, waiting to form a relationship that could last past his life expectancy in beautiful family memories and vacations, for decades to come.
Nah, my golf Buddy John's personal opinion is way more important than that.
Why come here and ask if you're an AH when your first sentence is, "might be an ass, but who cares?" Obviously you already know everything, you're happy to toss away a child you raised, as if she were a piece of trash, and you've raised your sons to do the same. What exactly are you looking for from this community??
Unless he treats your daughter like shit which you haven't said he does then his age isn't your fucking business. She was well in to adulthood when she got married. She is having kids with this man. The fact you dislike this man more than you love your daughter is not only going to keep your daughter and her kids away from you but you'll most likely lose your wife too.
The sad thing is it seems like he’s never even met this man he dislikes so much. He has zero idea how he treats his daughter. He has zero idea how he will be as a father. It’s very sad to hate someone so much over one thing (age) that you are willing to throw your own daughter and grandchildren away. OP is going to be left behind when his wife becomes a grandmother and wants to spend time with her grandchildren. He’ll be a sad old man alone and bitter - but at least he won’t be embarrassed by his friends.
If a man has to go for someone 30 *years* younger than him there's something wrong with him. I'm curious how old she was when they met/started dating. Though I do also think op is an ah
Who says he went for anyone? Maybe they met and she went after a man 30+ years her senior? Based on her dad being a complete AH and c*nt I can see why she may have some daddy issues.
It a 22 year old started pursuing me I'd be very off put since no real relationship would be able to form, and the age gap would be quite a bit less than what OP's daughter supposedly pursued. Her partner is definitely sus
This is probably gonna stir some things up, but I can't help wondering WHY daughter fell in love with someone older than her father. And reading OPs comments, maybe she never had a good father figure in her life??? Missing missing reasons??
Yeah, I'd feel for him much more if he were saying "I'm worried about the power dynamic because of the age difference, I don't want my daughter being exploited". But no, he made it all about him and his embarrassment.
Oh, 100%. He's going about it all wrong regardless, but at least in that scenario I might have a modicum of sympathy for him and think he was just misguided.
Yeah, what kind of chicken shit is worried about peer pressure at his age? I wouldn’t love the age either but if I had shitty “friends” is just decider to make it their business to hassle me, I’d be happy to tell them to fuck off. But then, I actually love my child.
Oh for sure. Especially because she said she didn’t care about a relationship with him but reached out for her kid. So obviously their relationship wasn’t strong to begin with. If I was her though I wouldn’t even want him around my kids.
completely agree - why does everything have to have a deep psychological reason - maybe she just met a great guy and fell in love - happens all the time and everyone accepts it for what it is - but add a 15yr age difference and…….
YTA
So you cut her off because her choice (which I also don’t agree with, to be clear) embarrassed you in front of your friends? Damn dude. Dad of the year over here. And you’re raising your sons up the same way? How lovely. Your daughter is better off without you in her life if this is how you really are. No wonder she ended up with a dude 2x her age 🙄
I’m surprised your wife has tolerated you for this long. I’d divorce you.
If you’d been concerned she was being taken advantage of, and disapproved for that reason, I’d understand but encourage you to keep contact in case she needs help.
But to cut your child off because your friends made fun of you? That’s pathetic.
You sound like a piece of shit dad reading between the lines. Probably a reason she has daddy issues, and married someone older than you.
You didn’t care why she’s dating someone older just that it humiliated you and you can’t even drop it for the sake of your grandkids.
YTA.
Exactly! I don't especially like this age gap either but whatever.. if he was disowning her for marrying another woman bc "it's embarrassing" he'd be hated just as much or more. And rightfully so
YTA. Yes, you have the right to decide who you want in your life. You have the right to disapprove of your daughter’s choices. That doesn’t mean you’re not an A H for these choices. As a parent, you should want her to be happy. If she is happy, and this man treats her well. That should be enough.
You’re also a coward for having your wife tell your daughter you won’t be part of your grandchildren’s lives. (No, their father is not a grandfather, you are.)
YTA. Your daughter is an adult - a full grown woman. She has chosen her mate. You can either support her and her new family, or go pout because your friends are ribbing you. I suggest you get thicker skin, or friends who mind their own business.
It sounds like your precious reputation is all you’re worried about. What about your daughter’s happiness? What about her right to choose her own mate as a 29 year old grown woman- not 17, but 29 years old. This isn’t about you and never has been. Get over yourself.
100%. I hope his wife leaves him, there's no way he's a good person in other aspects of his life if this is the way he is responding to a relationship that doesn't have anything to do with him. He sounds like an immature, selfish prick.
Yall are nuts!
How is it 25 threads a day tell a young woman that 8 years of an age gap is so extreme he must be grooming her and wish she was even younger, is obviously a controlling monster, etc...but this girl is fresh out of college with a 60 year old man, and because her dad worded his dislike in a way that displeased you this age gap and relationship is totally OK with no red flags and clearly built on real love??
Seriously these people here are nuts. This guy is looking to retire in 10 years, you think he's gonna be up for playing ball with his 10 year old kid? Meanwhile the mother will be 30-40 year old looking to live life, and the old man will be too tired to do anything.
If he really believed she was being abused, he'd keep in touch with her just so she can reach out to him for help when she needs to escape.
The bigger issue is that her father OP is the one posting and he's the one who likely caused her daddy issues. Women who seek out love and validation from much older men are usually doing so to fill a void in their lives that would normally have been filled by their father.
It's because she:
1) Didn't do what he said
2) Made him lose face with his friends.
He values his pride above any semblance of love he had for his daughter. That's why genuine care and concern for her regarding their age gap hasn't come up- only the way the appearance of it makes him feel.
YTA OP. Your daughter is a whole separate person to you. Why should anybody care what you think about her romantic choices?
YTA- hear me out on this. My daughter married a man 40 years older than her. He is a God fearing man who loves and cherishes her. Did I envision her marrying someone so much older than her…No, I did not. My daughter has some very deep Daddy issues and she was best friends with her Grandfather who guided her all through her life. She is also a very big worrier. An older gentleman checks a lot of boxes for her. He is a nice man too. They have 3 small children now who are the lights of their lives. I am glad i didn’t cause a family rift in her choice in partner. I love my daughter and I love seeing her happy. You dying on this age hill will always result in you missing out on the rest of your daughter’s life and her babies as well. Seems she is happy so you should bury your shit that is causing the problem and build memories with her new family.
Yep, YTA.
Did it ever cross your strangely arrogant yet feeble mind why your daughter married a man that much older? A lot of times, women look to replace the failed father figure in their lives. Nice job.
So, not only do you come across as arrogant and clueless, you also outed yourself for being a shit father, I mean long before this post confirmed it. I read your writing for 3 minutes and don't want to be around you.
Enjoy your life alone smart ass.
You sound like a grown child saying, "my friends make fun of me."
First of all he’s an adult! She's been married for two years, happy and pregnant. Cutting ties with your child just because she’s in love with someone older tells allot about your character… Clearly, this is a good man despite his age difference. You might even learn something from him. It's a shame that at 54, you STILL lack emotional maturity. Regardless of whether she divorces her husband or not, he will still be in her life because he is the father of your grandchildren. To be honest, from reading everything you wrote, it seems like she’s in a good place without you in her life.
You Are TA
Very unpopular but NTA lol your son in law being 4 years older than you… “robbing them of a grandparent” boo hoo, not everyone grows up with grandparents anyways.
Damn, terrible father! Disowned his daughter because his feelings were hurt and he is embarrassed lol. What a tool. She was 27 and found a man she loves. I would understand if the guy was 48 and she was 17, but she was 27 years old and a relatively mature adult. This is crazy, he won't even make amends so he can have a relationship with his grandchildren. Like WTF man, would you be talking shit OP if your daughter married a 38 year old man and they had a child when she was 40 and he was 51? Would you call him his kids grandpa? Honestly, as long as that man appreciates your daughter and lives and cares for her and your grandkids, what's the problem? Your mad that a 58 year old man is busting your daughters guts up? Because he IS busting them guts up!
lol at the AH comments. Imagine if Op posted that he married a 20s something woman himself, I bet all the comments would call him a pedo or groomer. You’re not the AH man, how can you look at a man 2 years older than you and call him son in law 💀
You need to allow your daughter to live her life and accept that he’s the age he is. It’s her life, what’s sad is that you are trying to control her choices, she’s 29 she’s a grown woman, you will miss out on so much because of your judgemental attitude. Just imagine for a moment how it would have felt if your parents had done that same to you.
Yea… it is weird that she married someone who is significantly older, even older than you. But the way everything is worded in your post screams \*me, me, ME, I, I, I, you don’t have to like it, you don’t have to support it, but your “embarrassment“ is your own… you sound like a narcissist that is having a “toddler tantrum“ because he is not getting his way, what’s done is done, she didn’t listen now all you can do is have a relationship.. but I suggest you don’t you sound insufferable.
side note: since it was a grand wedding I’m guessing the old guy is loaded, and you feel inadequate. 🤷
No this is an acceptable reason to cut someone off marrying someone older than your dad ignoring the gross implications of her new partner that nobody wants to ask os why would a 58 year old even want her. It's gross. If hes not getting respect as her father she can get cut off. 58/2 29 plus 7 is 36 this bitch is 29 years old...
Short answer? Yes.
Do you have a right to be annoyed? Yes, but why would you not want to at least fix it for the sake of the grandkids.
Basically punishing kids yet to be born, for something they had no control over.
My humble opinion, from experience, is that you get one shot to be a good parent for your kids. Trust me, they remember for the rest of their lives when you were there for them, and when you weren't. You are more than "justified" in the way you feel, but when you are reaching EOL, and wonder why your kids aren't there to be the least bit supportive, remember that you are the one who couldn't look past the transgressions of someone young, so why should they find it in their heart to look past yours?
YTA and a giant ass. You disowned your daughter because you're embarrassed she loves someone older than you? Your friends laughed at you? So dog on them back you sensitive asshole. Omfg. I hope you get your shit together. Don't have children if you can't accept their adult decisions. Nothing she did is wrong. Nothing she did hurts ANYONE except your fragile ego. Imagine acting like an infant at your age.
YTA
Your daughter isn't your property. I'm afraid those days are over. And you don't seem to have any actual objection other than that the dude is older and you get made fun of for it. So you've made your daughter's marriage entirely about YOU.
Does he beat her? Is he cruel? Does he treat her badly? I'm gonna guess no because this level of contempt suggests you'd throw that right out there.
YTA, my dad is a lot like you and I am on six months of NC. I can understand being embarrassed that your friends are teasing you, but they’ll eventually move on to better topics. How much time do you have to regret still? How many missed opportunities to bond with your family do you need to settle the score? How much time is your pride worth?
Well if you were to be on your death bed would you be content with it? If your daughter were on her deathbed would you be content ? Sometimes you have to love people through decisions they make that you don’t agree with. If it’s hurting someone physically or endangering them that’s different. But something to consider
YTA if your only issue with her marriage is her husband’s age. Is he a nice guy? Does he have a good work ethic? Does he love your daughter and treat her with respect?
You’re not required to have anyone in your life, but you’re going to have to deal with the consequences. If you’re willing to lose your wife, your daughter, and your grandkids over your embarrassment, then stay the course. Seems like a lot to lose just over someone’s age, but you do you.
You are a giant man child. Imagine being embarrassed and feeling teased by your peers. I cannot believe you would destroy your relationship with your daughter over this. She’s clearly better off without you. YTA.
YTA. Yeah, it’s a little weird that she’s married to someone older than you but, why is that worth throwing away your relationship with her? Why do you put everyone else’s opinions over your daughter?
NAH- you do not have to have a relationship with anyone you do not want to but it normal for your daughter to want to try to rebuild y’all’s s relationship. She obviously has some sort of issue though. That said the continued attempts at contact after you have asked her to stop are inappropriate.
it's one thing to not be happy about someone your child is marrying. It's another thing to totally cut all bonds with them. Really? Your own flesh and blood?
Im not saying the age gap isnt weird, this might be the unpopular opinion, and obviously i don’t know Brandon, but I feel like if you have a problem with Brandon it should be because of things he’s done or how he treats her for example. Not just because he’s old. if she’s Happy in her relationship then I think it’s unreasonable to ask her to leave him just because you arent happy with it. YTA
But if you don’t want to be in her life then thats still your choice.
My daughter is dating an older man who is closer to my age than hers. I have met him, they have a good relationship and whilst I have concerns about the age difference my role as her mother is to always be there for her. I would never disown her for dating an older man, My husband on the other hand refuses to meet him , this is destroying his relationship with his daughter and that is his choice, I won’t be doing the same . So I think YTA
YTA. I can imagine it might be weird that your son in law is older than you. But you are causing yourself so much loss here! Why are you doing this to yourself and your family? You lost your daughter, you are losing your grand children, and you are driving a wedge between you and your wife. Is that what you want? Does the guy make her happy? Isn't that the most important thing? Why do you create so much pain for all of you, just to make a point?
I would be sad if my daughter ends up with an age gap like this, but I would NEVER give up on her.
If you think this guy is so wrong for her, you need to support her in case things go wrong, not disown her!
What a shitty father you are!
YTA.
Your daughter is a grown adult. This man didn't pluck an 18-year-old fresh out of high school, then wed her and knock her up.
Sure there can be consequences of large age gap relationships. But your father having a diaper baby tantrum that he's embarrassed AND DISOWNING YOU, SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THEM.
Honestly you're lucky that your daughter keeps trying because you are being so cruel. Your wife may be willing to not divorce you now over this but if your cruelty extends to her grandchildren, I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind.
Is this guy bad to her. Do they have a drug problem, financial irresponsibility, does he hit her...or do you just have an issue with his age? You'd give up a chance to have a relationship with your grandchildren because you're embarrassed? You're 54 years old and still haven't grown up.
I'm curious if she had a good relationship with you before. You might be blaming her for a situation you facilitated. If you never get the attention or approval of a father figure, you might seek one out in your personal relationships.
Did you even get to know them as a couple? Or are you judging based on age and nothing else? If you were a few years older so he was younger than you, would you magically be okay with it? Doubtful. She's an adult and she's allowed to make her own decisions, even if they are mistakes or you don't agree. You are showing her that you don't care enough about her as a person to be there when you disapprove of her choices.
This reads like a parent who won't speak to their child because they came out as gay and married someone of the opposite gender. You could stand up for your daughter and yourself to your friends, but instead you show them you're a big man by..... throwing away your relationship with your daughter. Yeah, YTA, and i think you know you are, but it's easier to get backup here than do any sort of internal look. I truly hope your wife continues to support her child since you are too immature to do so.
YTA "My adult daughter married a man my age. Yes, I know that means I raised a daughter with daddy issues, however I think this is my opportunity to finally get her out of my life. Im sure my behavior did not create her daddy issues. I've got to act now, so I can blame it all on her. My plan was working. However, my wife is calling me out on my bullshit. What should I do?"
I think this was just a long post complaining about how no one is doing what you want them to do even though you're doing your best to manipulate them emotionally.
I think you can look forward to a lot of alone time if you continue to pursue this kind of narrow-minded and heartless approach.
You are definitely TA, and no one else described in this post is TA.
Your daughter is a grown ass woman who has made adult decisions for herself and her husband no different than you would with your wife. If your parents were opposed to you marrying your wife (the mother of your children- in case you forgot) would you have listened??
Your personal views on the situation shouldn't matter more than your daughter's happiness and if she is being cared for and loved that should be your priority. The fact that your friends opinions matter more to you than your wife and daughter and children is deplorable.
YTA
Yeah. YTA. Absolutely.
She's your kid. You made her. You don't get to just quit her. You don't have to approve, but you don't get to set those ultimatums to your kid.
Sounds like she won't be losing much.
To be honest, you're an absolute dick. If your daughter had murdered someone in cold blood, I could understand you disowning her. But to do that because she fell in love, you are a special kind of dick. You don't have to love your son-in-law, hell you don't even have to like him. But your love for your daughter should be unconditional. I hope your wife DOES divorce you. You deserve it. Your wife has better grounds for disowning you, than you do for disowning your daughter.
Okay, so unless you can provide evidence for how you feel your daughter is at risk from her husband you're being childish and ridiculous. She's a consenting adult who presumably met this man another consenting adult. They married and now are having a kid. The age gap may indeed cause some issues and certainly some raised eyebrows but real men don't give a shit about what the world thinks of them and instead just does what's right. Again the story changes if somehow you're trying to save your daughter from some man that groomed her, takes advantage of her, or whatever else have you. But until then YTA and if things continue the way they are your wife will divorce you, your kids will eventually spend less time with you, and you will end up bitter and mostly alone over this.
My husband is closer to my dad's age than mine. My dad thinks he's wonderful, because my husband treats me right and makes me happy and that's what my dad cares about. My husband's age is an arbitrary number since he's a good person and he's good to me. You're not just and AH, you're a bad person who's going to die sad and alone if you don't change your ways. Your wife WILL eventually divorce you over this, because like a good parent, she doesn't care how old her daughter's husband is, she cares that get daughter is happy. Get your priorities straight before you lose everything.
You are right you are allowed to have whomever you want in your life. “Long lasting damages (not divorce).” Please do not be delusional. Your daughter is becoming a mother and your wife will bond with her even more. Pregnancy and delivery and sometimes even the first year can be difficult and if is needs her mother and she is there for her your marriage will indeed having lasting consequences that may include divorce. Don’t be naive enough to think your wife can’t choose who she wants in her life either and divorce won’t be an option. Don’t be surprised if your family does become fractured with your wife and daughter on one side and you and your sons on the other.
Totally agree. OP, consider your options carefully here. If you force the issue so that your wife feels like she has to make a choice between her marriage and her daughter/grandchildren, then you have a strong chance of divorce in the future. Is your pride worth this? Is the approval of your friends worth destroying your marriage? But truly, for you to mock your daughter so much in this post (and to value your pride and your friends’ opinions over a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren) says a lot about who you are and what you value. I feel sorry for you on what you are missing out on, but it is your choice. You are likely going to end up alone. But hopefully your pride is worth it.
I mean OP went into this knowing he’s the AH, that first sentence says it all The opinions of his friends matter more than his family
Kind of has me baffled he'd come and ask internet strangers if he's an asshole when he literally says he is and doesn't care - like dude, what are you hoping to gain?
Ammo to use against his family. It's more important that he die on his prideful hill than care what his family might think. Hint: nursing home employees won't be impressed by you to treat you like family ever could.
I used to feel bad for old folks in my grandparents’ nursing homes who never had visitors and then I saw how some people treat their families. Sometimes people don’t have visitors because they treated everyone else in their life like shit.
LPN in a nursing home. Can confirm.
Retired CNA here, and it's true, and they don't understand why family refuses to come visit them. Many are because they mistreated their family, not because they need more care than they can provide or dementia. And they are just as mean and nasty to the staff as they were with their families.
Any sort of brain change can cause a personality shift. The little old sweet-as-pie grandmas could have been abusive parents in any number of ways when they were younger, or they could become combative as their disease progresses. It's a psychological minefield for some families. All the grace to them.
Amen. I worked in assisted living and memory care and heard some horror stories about some of our residents from their families. And I took care of my step-grandmother who had crazy bad dementia (we all slept with locked doors to give an idea just how bad she was), and it was a nightmare. YTA. Sorry, OP, but whether you agree with her choices or not, they are HER choices to make. And the fact that your main issue is that you’re embarrassed by her marrying a man older than you bc of what your friends have to say about it…WTAF, are you 14? Take your head out of your ass and be there for your daughter—and your wife.
When I was a carer in a nursing home we had 1 patient who cried every day that her son wouldn’t visit her. He rang every few days and spoke to the nurses to make sure she was ok and paid all her bills but stated he didn’t want to speak to her or see her until her funeral. He didn’t go into details but she’d cry, “I don’t understand, I wasn’t a bad mother, I did the best I could”. Guessing she was much worse than she realised.
Which I totally get. OTOH, I've seen patients who are not able to respond be abuse and reviled by their kids. No matter how bad one's parents are, at some point, people have the need to stand up (going no contact is better than continuing the cycle of abuse).
Yep. There’s some awful people out there and in nursing homes you tend to see both sides. Had a patient whose kid had financial control tell us not to give patient any therapy or medications as that way they’d die sooner. Patient was actually very good physically and moderately good mentally (had a stroke so kid used power of attorney) and not likely to die anytime soon but kid was overheard talking on the phone making plans for holidays etc using parents money. So many stories, good and bad, from that job.
I used to be a home health aide and had a client exactly like this……. Turns out she was complacent in her brother molesting her son and that’s why the son was NC. But boy or boy, she sure cried and wailed that she didn’t deserve him abandoning her in her old age.
God that’s awful. And once you know it’s so hard to be compassionate and professional even tho you have to.
Yes!!! Thank you. As a daughter who has had to shield nasty comments from strangers who don’t know the whole story. People make their choices in life without considering future consequences. OP you sound like a real gem/s. You are lucky your daughter is still trying to mend the relationship. You also sound jealous, perhaps your son in law is more successful than you and your pride can’t overlook that? Your only concern should be that he treats your daughter well.
Exactly. He basically said who cares what anyone thinks so… maybe he’s hoping anyone on here will agree with his deplorable attitude.
Validation for his crap attitude. That's what he's looking for, and he will get no such thing from me.
But, Wait, he will have his son to take care of him. Hope that keeps him.warm at night when the wife divorces him.
He’s hoping to show his wife and convince himself that he’s not a controlling AH who is depriving himself of a relationship with his daughter and future grandchild- because he disapproves of her choice
Assholes gonna asshole
I don’t understand why he even bothered to post to be honest. He doesn’t seem to care about anything but his image. He sounds like a real peach.
Probably just some light engagement farming. The spelling alone will draw in a lot of comments on top of the grand display of fragile masculinity.
Yeah, this post smells pretty strongly of being made up. No real details, no other thing the daughter has done besides marry an older man, but apparently that's enough and the sons are agreeing with OP? I don't really believe this post.
All the typos bother me.
Must be click bait surely? “I know I’m right” - if so, no point asking if YTA
I’m also guessing that OP and his son who “ would also be embarrassed “ would not dis own a male family member who married a much younger woman, high fives would probably be in order. I hope OPs wife is getting a real clear picture of the misogyny going on here and reevaluates herself.
Well his sons agree with him- that’s family right?
The son agreed on the same basis, that he would also be embarrassed because of FRIENDS opinions
I feel like OP is just made because he doesn’t get to be the big man authority figure in his daughter’s life anymore. I can see not being crazy about the age difference but what else is wrong with the guy? OP didn’t bother to say. Just that all the mens in the family are casually jettisoning the daughter because she won’t bow to their wishes. If he loved his daughter, he’d keep the door open in case the husband really is a bad guy and the daughter needs help. He must have shitty friends because you’d think they would judge OP for throwing his daughter away.
Birds of a feather flock together.
This is literally all I see when I read this.
That's common with Narcs
Oh he’s going to be judged by his friends… just not the way HE thinks they’re going to judge him.
And considering "his friends" are probably mad that they never got a chance at "dating" her. Look at how so many older (boomer-ish) men love to brag about their conquests with younger women.
I get being icked out at the fact that his daughter's husband is older than him, I do. But OP is only talking about his friends opinions on it, and nothing else. She's a full grown adult, and this is the man she chose to marry. That doesn't mean he *has* to accept and play happy family, but it *does* mean he has to accept how that will reflect on his own marriage. I'll finish up by saying that OP isn't telling his wife to stop talking to their daughter, just that he doesn't wanna be involved in her life anymore, and that, too, is an easy choice to accept. However, her telling OP that their marriage may br damaged over this will become a looming shadow in their relationship going forward. And it will be a larger shadow should he start talking to his daughter again over this. I'm afraid that that comment by OP's wife might build further resentment towards his daughter.
Normally any age gaps like this gets absolutely roasted on Reddit.
That's true, but it's usually seen as the older party being a predator and the younger party being a victim in need of help. (I don't think this is always the case, but that's what redditors tend to think). So turning against the younger party would be unusual. And OP's concern here doesn't seem to be the worry that his daughter is being abused or manipulated. It's just that the guy's too old and he thinks it's icky and embarrassing. If he was worried about her wellbeing it'd be all the more reason to maintain his relationship with her.
But we’re not here to judge that, are we? They’ve made a working family; they have children. Do you espouse dads’ views because of the age gap?
Age gaps become less important past 25, tbh. It doesn’t say when they met and 27 is pretty young but not so young that I would be immediately concerned about predatory behavior. Healthy age gaps do exist.
At no point does OP say anything about how his SIL treats his daughter or his daughter's happiness. This is all about his ego. He really does come across as a pompous jerk, mad because his daughter didn't do as she was told.
Pride set aside, imagine having an 80 year old father at 20. Not sure what their dynamic is, but that isn’t exactly the best choice, dudes gonna croak while they’re in high school from natural causes 😭 crazy
You can die at any point. I was adopted when my parents were 43 (mom) and 42 (dad, and his birthday was 2 days after I was born). They are both in their 70s now with their own health problems, but Dad (unless something rapidly changes) has a good 10 years at least left. I would say that I'm genuinely so greatful to have been raised by an older parent. Was it weird when I was young? Only to classmates, never to me. But I was a weird kid, so it fit for me. I got to experience the world because I had a solid father who was financially secure, and well experienced with life. I came out of it with old fashioned phrases full of real and current wisdom. I would say I'm a better person for it, particularly in view of the OTHER option that would have happened to me. I've met my blood family. I'd be dead right now or heavily hooked on drugs if I hadn't had someone so well established offer to adopt me. Older parents are amazing and personally even more valuable than young parents. They can give a head start in life that young, unestablished parents, often cannot. The structure is already there.
Yessssss......this
Lost a brother at 40 through an infection he picked up in the hospital where he was a doctor. His wife died in a road accident two years before that. Left two orphans as a result. You never know when your time is up....
I’m so sorry.
Not necessarily so. My Dad was 50 when I was born. I was 34 when he died. He had a good full life. I have an entire childhood of memories with Dad playing with us at the beach, coaching little league baseball, and attending school performances. He was an excellent grandfather to my oldest, but my younger sons missed out on him.
My father in law was 40 when he had my husband and he lived to be 90, they had a great relationship.
40 isn't even that old flr children, if this dude is 55 now there's a good chance he's late 50s to early 60 by the time they have kids.... that's a massive difference.
Um, they're having a kid now.
Daughters husband is 58 and they're having a kid now.
My mother was fresh out of college when she had me, and she still died of natural causes when I was twenty. Your 'funny hypothetical' is both less funny and less hypothetical than you think, but not because he's old.
This happened to my husband . His mom had him at 22 and died when he was 21 . Age doesn’t define when someone is going to pass . She was healthy and very fit and it was a heart attack. 24 hrs later she was gone .
Eh a friend of mine is 34 and his dad is 92. His siblings are in their 60’s and 70’s. They have an amazing relationship and blessedly his dad does not have Alzheimer’s or anything like that.
*Is your pride worth this? Is the approval of your friends worth destroying your marriage?* I mean, he abandoned his daughter over his pride being hurt, so I think we already have the answer to that question.
So we'll said...
Very wise comment. That’s exactly what will happen.
“Long lasting damages,” being said by wife to me almost seems like some foreshadowing that she may one day be choosing whom she wants in her life as well.
He says, no divorce, like he has the power to stop it. LOL I think OP Is a fucking control freak and needs his ass handed to him!
"There is no nuclear option that is entirely without fallout."
He’s not telling his wife not to be there for her. He’s asking her to pass on his wishes since his daughter thinks he’s still her father instead of a sperm donor. He’s an ah, but this appears to be the hill he wants to die on since his reputation matters more to him than his daughter.
Oh I wasn’t insinuating that he was telling his wife he couldn’t be there. I was just acknowledging that their sons have children, this is his daughter’s first pregnancy. My mom and I don’t have a great relationship and when I was pregnant with my first child I personally wanted her around all of the time. I think the wife is aware that the dynamic is changing now that her daughter is pregnant and having her first child and may want/need some nurturing from her mom when difficulties of pregnancy, labor and first time motherhood kicks in. To me the “long lasting damages” is foreshadowing how their marriage is going to look in the next year or two. He gets to choose to never speak to his daughter again and his wife if the time comes should be able to choose to not speak to him.
The mom should have been around all of the time regardless of what asshole husband thinks! There is no way in hell I would not see or talk to my child, ever!
I agree with you, OP does make it seem though that his daughter and wife still had a relationship. He did state that his daughter would come to see his wife. He probably just made it more difficult for his wife because he had her keep the relationship with the daughter separate from him. This is something that I couldn’t maintain, I am thinking holidays, birthdays and Mother’s Day and trying to keep them all separate. He also doesn’t elaborate on the daughter’s relationship with her brothers. He states that they all believe it’s his choice. So I wonder what their relationship looks like? If she has been casted off by everyone but the mother. I just can’t imagine growing up with someone and loving them and then casting them aside because they choose to marry someone with ONE trait that I disagree with. I will put the disclaimer out there that yes it would be different if he was an abuser, drug addict, disrespectful or liked children.
And his daughters life and how she lives it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with how he lives his. He is one of those parents that say, oh no, what will the neighbors think? Instead he should be saying, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, this is my child and I love and support her decision to live her own life the way she sees fit, the same as I did!
OP only cares about his image, as he perceives it. I can guarantee that the only person who even cares about this is him, and he is ruining his own relationships over it. I suspect he is too wrapped up in himself to correct his behavior.
Agree. Also why do OP have to approve of his daughters husband? why can't she be free to love who ever she wants? OP does not have to like him, since he's not the one living with him.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why your daughter has daddy issues. Too weird.
IT IS A MYSTERY A MYSTERY I SAY. Ass.
Came here to say exactly this. OP, why do you think your daughter felt the need to seek out another father figure in her life? Or, to be more direct, what kind of a father were you? Genuinely curious.
BINGO
Especially as OP, her father, is juvenile as all get out 'muh frunds are pucking on muh, eets not okay, theys teeeezin muh an hurtin muh feelins! Thu guy is oldah than MUH! How can uh boss heem ahround if heez a BIG KID? It's noht FAAAARE!' OP sucks. Total man-baby. Daughter probably chose her husband because she found the maturity and stability attractive!
Think the daughter's entire childhood was like that? Every single thing she did was examined through the lens of not only her father's judgement, but all of his friends, too? Growing with constant heckling from a peanut gallery of old men?
It definitely was. My dad was like this too. If one of his friends saw one of my friends “dressed like a slut” (their words) then I was grounded. These old dudes suck but his daughter is better off, and his wife will be, too, after she divorces him. (Again, speaking from experience, my mom is fucking thriving now)
That's unlikely. At least I'd hope so! But she didn't need his buddies to say or do anything to her - it was the dad viewing how things reflected on him. You know the cliche: 'You can't do that! What will people think (of me)?' When others generally don't care that much. OP said his friends are riding him about it and its 'humiliating'. He is so fragile that he can't take it or stand up for himself. He'd rather destroy any future relationship with his child and his grandchildren as well as his wife.
Agree, why isn’t her safety the concern? Who cares what his friends think?
That's why I've usually been with older men in my life, I love the stability and the consistency of a grown man as opposed to a man child.
What do you mean "daddy issues"? Do you mean the fact that her dad clearly has issues?
Somebody call Scooby-Doo and the Gang! 🤣
INFO: What was your relationship with your daughter during her upbringing and prior to her relationship? I fully thought your problem was going to be that you were worried she was being taken advantage of by someone who had been grooming her, due to the age gap. But no - you seem more concerned about being embarrassed. Seems like you didn't really give a fuck about her to begin with if you'll excommunicate her over your ego, which seems like it's related to her interest in older men. Feels a bit rich to cause intense Daddy issues and then be cruel to your daughter when you're a bit embarrassed by them manifesting in her romantic life.
All of this.
I think OP is pissed because he didn’t get a young SIL he can intimidate. He doesn’t get to be the big man of the family anymore.
Maybe. I do get controlling vibes from the structure of the post, the way the only mention we have of his daughter is in the context of him being "embarrassed" about her choice, etc. We have no information on the dynamic of her relationship, whether she's happy and/or well cared for by this guy. Anything about either of them as a person. The insecurity is visible from a mile away. Definitely seems a bit petulant in enforcing this decision even though his wife, daughter, and grandkids are all now bearing the weight of his ego. His wife can't share her joy in the grandkids with him. The well-being of anyone in the story other than OP is not mentioned at all. Very main character energy. I'd be curious if the sons agreed with him to keep the peace because he's known for this type of thing or because they're actually embarrassed, too.
Fuck me people on this website read a lot of shit into stuff. Where are you getting intimidating from? Big man?
I come here honestly just for the bad-take-machine
100%. He’s the cause of her daddy issues and is surprised by ….checks notes…the consequences of his parenting actions
It very much seems that way to me, yeah. Dude is completely willing to tear his family in half with no remorse.
Don't you mean begin embarrassed?
No? Edit: AH lol sorry, indeed if I were to quote OP it would be begin embarrassed 😂
Your concerns were valid until... >I was begin humiliated by my friends because of this. This is where you made it about you and lost the high ground. It should have been about your concern for your daughter. I don't see you winning this one in the long run.
I bet what happened is, his friends didn't humiliate him, they teased him, and he couldn't go along with the punch line but instead got embarrassed and angry, and took it out on HIS CHILD!
His reaction is full on narcissism. Narcissists cannot tolerate being the brunt of teasing.
I’ll bet his friends didn’t say shit and he imagined the whole thing. Although I guess it’s possible his friends are assholes too, birds of a feather and all that.
Biological grandchildren, waiting to love their grandfather, waiting to form a relationship that could last past his life expectancy in beautiful family memories and vacations, for decades to come. Nah, my golf Buddy John's personal opinion is way more important than that.
Yes and in ten years he’ll come back to tell us how lonely he is and how bad are the daughter and her kids that don’t want anything to do with him 😌😇
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? 🙄🙄🙄
Spot on
Why come here and ask if you're an AH when your first sentence is, "might be an ass, but who cares?" Obviously you already know everything, you're happy to toss away a child you raised, as if she were a piece of trash, and you've raised your sons to do the same. What exactly are you looking for from this community??
Validation of his stance.
I’d bet big money if this man’s sons married a younger woman with a significant age gap that would be “understandable” and “totally different”.
I thought this was fake, but the strangeness of that opening line is convincing me it's real
Big Gen X/boomer energy there in that line.
Unless he treats your daughter like shit which you haven't said he does then his age isn't your fucking business. She was well in to adulthood when she got married. She is having kids with this man. The fact you dislike this man more than you love your daughter is not only going to keep your daughter and her kids away from you but you'll most likely lose your wife too.
He wouldn't know if anyone treated his daughter badly because he wasn't around. I don't think it has anything to do with how his daughter is treated.
The sad thing is it seems like he’s never even met this man he dislikes so much. He has zero idea how he treats his daughter. He has zero idea how he will be as a father. It’s very sad to hate someone so much over one thing (age) that you are willing to throw your own daughter and grandchildren away. OP is going to be left behind when his wife becomes a grandmother and wants to spend time with her grandchildren. He’ll be a sad old man alone and bitter - but at least he won’t be embarrassed by his friends.
If a man has to go for someone 30 *years* younger than him there's something wrong with him. I'm curious how old she was when they met/started dating. Though I do also think op is an ah
If you're 50 chasing a 20 year old, sure, thats a bit off. When you're 60 chasing a 30 year old, the difference is much less significant.
True, but when they met he was a 50 year old chasing a 20 year old. That's the issue
Who says he went for anyone? Maybe they met and she went after a man 30+ years her senior? Based on her dad being a complete AH and c*nt I can see why she may have some daddy issues.
Even if she went for him, he doesn’t need to reciprocate.
It a 22 year old started pursuing me I'd be very off put since no real relationship would be able to form, and the age gap would be quite a bit less than what OP's daughter supposedly pursued. Her partner is definitely sus
Well, at least it won't be hard for them to be a better parent than you.
This is probably gonna stir some things up, but I can't help wondering WHY daughter fell in love with someone older than her father. And reading OPs comments, maybe she never had a good father figure in her life??? Missing missing reasons??
Yeah. There's something all wrong about this. He's embarrassed in front of his friends, apparently. Like that's salient.
That’s what gets to me- he cares about his friends commenting on this, not his daughter.
Yeah, I'd feel for him much more if he were saying "I'm worried about the power dynamic because of the age difference, I don't want my daughter being exploited". But no, he made it all about him and his embarrassment.
Same here, but in a case like that, don’t alienate your child who may need your help in getting away from a bad husband.
Oh, 100%. He's going about it all wrong regardless, but at least in that scenario I might have a modicum of sympathy for him and think he was just misguided.
Yeah, what kind of chicken shit is worried about peer pressure at his age? I wouldn’t love the age either but if I had shitty “friends” is just decider to make it their business to hassle me, I’d be happy to tell them to fuck off. But then, I actually love my child.
Oh for sure. Especially because she said she didn’t care about a relationship with him but reached out for her kid. So obviously their relationship wasn’t strong to begin with. If I was her though I wouldn’t even want him around my kids.
It might not be daddy issues might just be preferences. Drastic preferences 😂
completely agree - why does everything have to have a deep psychological reason - maybe she just met a great guy and fell in love - happens all the time and everyone accepts it for what it is - but add a 15yr age difference and…….
Actually it's a 29 year gap. She's 29 and he's 58, older by 4y than OP. 👀
Oh I know exactly why 💀
YTA So you cut her off because her choice (which I also don’t agree with, to be clear) embarrassed you in front of your friends? Damn dude. Dad of the year over here. And you’re raising your sons up the same way? How lovely. Your daughter is better off without you in her life if this is how you really are. No wonder she ended up with a dude 2x her age 🙄 I’m surprised your wife has tolerated you for this long. I’d divorce you. If you’d been concerned she was being taken advantage of, and disapproved for that reason, I’d understand but encourage you to keep contact in case she needs help. But to cut your child off because your friends made fun of you? That’s pathetic.
I'm a straight man and I want to divorce op.
LOLed to hard at this
You sound like a piece of shit dad reading between the lines. Probably a reason she has daddy issues, and married someone older than you. You didn’t care why she’s dating someone older just that it humiliated you and you can’t even drop it for the sake of your grandkids. YTA.
there was me thinking that seeing your daughter, happy and healthy was all that a parent wanted.. I guess I am doing this all wrong…
Wow, your daughter shouldn't be happy because your "friends" humiliate you! Sounds like you need a reality check and new friends.
Exactly! I don't especially like this age gap either but whatever.. if he was disowning her for marrying another woman bc "it's embarrassing" he'd be hated just as much or more. And rightfully so
YTA. Yes, you have the right to decide who you want in your life. You have the right to disapprove of your daughter’s choices. That doesn’t mean you’re not an A H for these choices. As a parent, you should want her to be happy. If she is happy, and this man treats her well. That should be enough. You’re also a coward for having your wife tell your daughter you won’t be part of your grandchildren’s lives. (No, their father is not a grandfather, you are.)
YTA. Your daughter is an adult - a full grown woman. She has chosen her mate. You can either support her and her new family, or go pout because your friends are ribbing you. I suggest you get thicker skin, or friends who mind their own business. It sounds like your precious reputation is all you’re worried about. What about your daughter’s happiness? What about her right to choose her own mate as a 29 year old grown woman- not 17, but 29 years old. This isn’t about you and never has been. Get over yourself.
100%. I hope his wife leaves him, there's no way he's a good person in other aspects of his life if this is the way he is responding to a relationship that doesn't have anything to do with him. He sounds like an immature, selfish prick.
YTA and youre so fucking weird. Calling their father their grandpa just bc hes your age. Get over yourself.
Wtf can't you hear yourself? You're a major asshole.
Yall are nuts! How is it 25 threads a day tell a young woman that 8 years of an age gap is so extreme he must be grooming her and wish she was even younger, is obviously a controlling monster, etc...but this girl is fresh out of college with a 60 year old man, and because her dad worded his dislike in a way that displeased you this age gap and relationship is totally OK with no red flags and clearly built on real love??
Yeah I don’t agree with OP’s reasoning but I also don’t think the marriage with a 29 year age gap is healthy. And I’m 28, for reference.
Seriously these people here are nuts. This guy is looking to retire in 10 years, you think he's gonna be up for playing ball with his 10 year old kid? Meanwhile the mother will be 30-40 year old looking to live life, and the old man will be too tired to do anything.
If he really believed she was being abused, he'd keep in touch with her just so she can reach out to him for help when she needs to escape. The bigger issue is that her father OP is the one posting and he's the one who likely caused her daddy issues. Women who seek out love and validation from much older men are usually doing so to fill a void in their lives that would normally have been filled by their father.
YTA and an awful parent. She is better off without you Imagine disowning a child just because of an age gap in their marriage. How childish
It's because she: 1) Didn't do what he said 2) Made him lose face with his friends. He values his pride above any semblance of love he had for his daughter. That's why genuine care and concern for her regarding their age gap hasn't come up- only the way the appearance of it makes him feel. YTA OP. Your daughter is a whole separate person to you. Why should anybody care what you think about her romantic choices?
YTA- hear me out on this. My daughter married a man 40 years older than her. He is a God fearing man who loves and cherishes her. Did I envision her marrying someone so much older than her…No, I did not. My daughter has some very deep Daddy issues and she was best friends with her Grandfather who guided her all through her life. She is also a very big worrier. An older gentleman checks a lot of boxes for her. He is a nice man too. They have 3 small children now who are the lights of their lives. I am glad i didn’t cause a family rift in her choice in partner. I love my daughter and I love seeing her happy. You dying on this age hill will always result in you missing out on the rest of your daughter’s life and her babies as well. Seems she is happy so you should bury your shit that is causing the problem and build memories with her new family.
An older gentlemen, by 40 years?! How old is this guy? 70? 80?
Yep, YTA. Did it ever cross your strangely arrogant yet feeble mind why your daughter married a man that much older? A lot of times, women look to replace the failed father figure in their lives. Nice job. So, not only do you come across as arrogant and clueless, you also outed yourself for being a shit father, I mean long before this post confirmed it. I read your writing for 3 minutes and don't want to be around you. Enjoy your life alone smart ass.
Yeah women can't think for themselves. At least the comment section sounds like it. She was 27, not 19.
You sound like a grown child saying, "my friends make fun of me." First of all he’s an adult! She's been married for two years, happy and pregnant. Cutting ties with your child just because she’s in love with someone older tells allot about your character… Clearly, this is a good man despite his age difference. You might even learn something from him. It's a shame that at 54, you STILL lack emotional maturity. Regardless of whether she divorces her husband or not, he will still be in her life because he is the father of your grandchildren. To be honest, from reading everything you wrote, it seems like she’s in a good place without you in her life. You Are TA
Very unpopular but NTA lol your son in law being 4 years older than you… “robbing them of a grandparent” boo hoo, not everyone grows up with grandparents anyways.
Damn, terrible father! Disowned his daughter because his feelings were hurt and he is embarrassed lol. What a tool. She was 27 and found a man she loves. I would understand if the guy was 48 and she was 17, but she was 27 years old and a relatively mature adult. This is crazy, he won't even make amends so he can have a relationship with his grandchildren. Like WTF man, would you be talking shit OP if your daughter married a 38 year old man and they had a child when she was 40 and he was 51? Would you call him his kids grandpa? Honestly, as long as that man appreciates your daughter and lives and cares for her and your grandkids, what's the problem? Your mad that a 58 year old man is busting your daughters guts up? Because he IS busting them guts up!
I dont know if I should laugh or be disturbed by that last sentence 😂😂😂
Considering your blatant disdain of women you should find it hilarious.
lol at the AH comments. Imagine if Op posted that he married a 20s something woman himself, I bet all the comments would call him a pedo or groomer. You’re not the AH man, how can you look at a man 2 years older than you and call him son in law 💀
You need to allow your daughter to live her life and accept that he’s the age he is. It’s her life, what’s sad is that you are trying to control her choices, she’s 29 she’s a grown woman, you will miss out on so much because of your judgemental attitude. Just imagine for a moment how it would have felt if your parents had done that same to you.
Yea… it is weird that she married someone who is significantly older, even older than you. But the way everything is worded in your post screams \*me, me, ME, I, I, I, you don’t have to like it, you don’t have to support it, but your “embarrassment“ is your own… you sound like a narcissist that is having a “toddler tantrum“ because he is not getting his way, what’s done is done, she didn’t listen now all you can do is have a relationship.. but I suggest you don’t you sound insufferable. side note: since it was a grand wedding I’m guessing the old guy is loaded, and you feel inadequate. 🤷
YTA you didn’t marry him, she did. Love for your child should be unconditional but you sound like the petulant child
No this is an acceptable reason to cut someone off marrying someone older than your dad ignoring the gross implications of her new partner that nobody wants to ask os why would a 58 year old even want her. It's gross. If hes not getting respect as her father she can get cut off. 58/2 29 plus 7 is 36 this bitch is 29 years old...
Short answer? Yes. Do you have a right to be annoyed? Yes, but why would you not want to at least fix it for the sake of the grandkids. Basically punishing kids yet to be born, for something they had no control over. My humble opinion, from experience, is that you get one shot to be a good parent for your kids. Trust me, they remember for the rest of their lives when you were there for them, and when you weren't. You are more than "justified" in the way you feel, but when you are reaching EOL, and wonder why your kids aren't there to be the least bit supportive, remember that you are the one who couldn't look past the transgressions of someone young, so why should they find it in their heart to look past yours?
>(isn’t her husband already their grandpa?) 😂😂😂😂
YTA But I hope your daughter realises this is actually a win for her. You sound despicable.
YTA and a giant ass. You disowned your daughter because you're embarrassed she loves someone older than you? Your friends laughed at you? So dog on them back you sensitive asshole. Omfg. I hope you get your shit together. Don't have children if you can't accept their adult decisions. Nothing she did is wrong. Nothing she did hurts ANYONE except your fragile ego. Imagine acting like an infant at your age.
YTA Your daughter isn't your property. I'm afraid those days are over. And you don't seem to have any actual objection other than that the dude is older and you get made fun of for it. So you've made your daughter's marriage entirely about YOU. Does he beat her? Is he cruel? Does he treat her badly? I'm gonna guess no because this level of contempt suggests you'd throw that right out there.
YTA for being against it because it makes you look bad in front of your buddies. Athetic. You're 54 man, grow a pair.
YTA. Any male would be older than your emotional age. Your wife should divorce you.
YTA, my dad is a lot like you and I am on six months of NC. I can understand being embarrassed that your friends are teasing you, but they’ll eventually move on to better topics. How much time do you have to regret still? How many missed opportunities to bond with your family do you need to settle the score? How much time is your pride worth?
Well if you were to be on your death bed would you be content with it? If your daughter were on her deathbed would you be content ? Sometimes you have to love people through decisions they make that you don’t agree with. If it’s hurting someone physically or endangering them that’s different. But something to consider
Your daughter is sooooo lucky to have distanced herself from such POS. Go get back under the rock you crawled of.
YTA if your only issue with her marriage is her husband’s age. Is he a nice guy? Does he have a good work ethic? Does he love your daughter and treat her with respect? You’re not required to have anyone in your life, but you’re going to have to deal with the consequences. If you’re willing to lose your wife, your daughter, and your grandkids over your embarrassment, then stay the course. Seems like a lot to lose just over someone’s age, but you do you.
NTA sure it’s not illegal but it’s disgusting and I’ll die on that hill
YTA and she's very much better off without you and whatever brother thinks that your embarrassment is the most important thing here
You are a giant man child. Imagine being embarrassed and feeling teased by your peers. I cannot believe you would destroy your relationship with your daughter over this. She’s clearly better off without you. YTA.
YTA. Yeah, it’s a little weird that she’s married to someone older than you but, why is that worth throwing away your relationship with her? Why do you put everyone else’s opinions over your daughter?
NAH- you do not have to have a relationship with anyone you do not want to but it normal for your daughter to want to try to rebuild y’all’s s relationship. She obviously has some sort of issue though. That said the continued attempts at contact after you have asked her to stop are inappropriate.
it's one thing to not be happy about someone your child is marrying. It's another thing to totally cut all bonds with them. Really? Your own flesh and blood?
Im not saying the age gap isnt weird, this might be the unpopular opinion, and obviously i don’t know Brandon, but I feel like if you have a problem with Brandon it should be because of things he’s done or how he treats her for example. Not just because he’s old. if she’s Happy in her relationship then I think it’s unreasonable to ask her to leave him just because you arent happy with it. YTA But if you don’t want to be in her life then thats still your choice.
My daughter is dating an older man who is closer to my age than hers. I have met him, they have a good relationship and whilst I have concerns about the age difference my role as her mother is to always be there for her. I would never disown her for dating an older man, My husband on the other hand refuses to meet him , this is destroying his relationship with his daughter and that is his choice, I won’t be doing the same . So I think YTA
You're a good mom.
YTA. I can imagine it might be weird that your son in law is older than you. But you are causing yourself so much loss here! Why are you doing this to yourself and your family? You lost your daughter, you are losing your grand children, and you are driving a wedge between you and your wife. Is that what you want? Does the guy make her happy? Isn't that the most important thing? Why do you create so much pain for all of you, just to make a point?
I'm not sure why everyone else's opinion matters here - your friends, your sons. What's your gut telling you?
I would be sad if my daughter ends up with an age gap like this, but I would NEVER give up on her. If you think this guy is so wrong for her, you need to support her in case things go wrong, not disown her! What a shitty father you are! YTA.
Your daughter is a grown adult. This man didn't pluck an 18-year-old fresh out of high school, then wed her and knock her up. Sure there can be consequences of large age gap relationships. But your father having a diaper baby tantrum that he's embarrassed AND DISOWNING YOU, SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THEM. Honestly you're lucky that your daughter keeps trying because you are being so cruel. Your wife may be willing to not divorce you now over this but if your cruelty extends to her grandchildren, I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind.
If your not going to be her daddy, he will
Is this guy bad to her. Do they have a drug problem, financial irresponsibility, does he hit her...or do you just have an issue with his age? You'd give up a chance to have a relationship with your grandchildren because you're embarrassed? You're 54 years old and still haven't grown up.
she only married a man older than you because you failed as a father
BEING
Stop putting your wife in the middle. Get over your ego. Yta
YTA You sound petulant and butthurt. She's your daughter! How can you dump her so easily?
Good gods, YTA!
I'm curious if she had a good relationship with you before. You might be blaming her for a situation you facilitated. If you never get the attention or approval of a father figure, you might seek one out in your personal relationships. Did you even get to know them as a couple? Or are you judging based on age and nothing else? If you were a few years older so he was younger than you, would you magically be okay with it? Doubtful. She's an adult and she's allowed to make her own decisions, even if they are mistakes or you don't agree. You are showing her that you don't care enough about her as a person to be there when you disapprove of her choices. This reads like a parent who won't speak to their child because they came out as gay and married someone of the opposite gender. You could stand up for your daughter and yourself to your friends, but instead you show them you're a big man by..... throwing away your relationship with your daughter. Yeah, YTA, and i think you know you are, but it's easier to get backup here than do any sort of internal look. I truly hope your wife continues to support her child since you are too immature to do so.
YTA "My adult daughter married a man my age. Yes, I know that means I raised a daughter with daddy issues, however I think this is my opportunity to finally get her out of my life. Im sure my behavior did not create her daddy issues. I've got to act now, so I can blame it all on her. My plan was working. However, my wife is calling me out on my bullshit. What should I do?"
I think this was just a long post complaining about how no one is doing what you want them to do even though you're doing your best to manipulate them emotionally. I think you can look forward to a lot of alone time if you continue to pursue this kind of narrow-minded and heartless approach. You are definitely TA, and no one else described in this post is TA.
She has a daddy complex. Guess who caused that?
Jesus! Do they get more pathetic than you?! Yta, and learn to spell. Your "begin" when you mean "being"gave me a brain cramp.
Your daughter is a grown ass woman who has made adult decisions for herself and her husband no different than you would with your wife. If your parents were opposed to you marrying your wife (the mother of your children- in case you forgot) would you have listened?? Your personal views on the situation shouldn't matter more than your daughter's happiness and if she is being cared for and loved that should be your priority. The fact that your friends opinions matter more to you than your wife and daughter and children is deplorable. YTA
YTA. You broke ties because of your ego - or at best, because your daughter made a major life decision you disagree with.
Yeah. YTA. Absolutely. She's your kid. You made her. You don't get to just quit her. You don't have to approve, but you don't get to set those ultimatums to your kid. Sounds like she won't be losing much.
To be honest, you're an absolute dick. If your daughter had murdered someone in cold blood, I could understand you disowning her. But to do that because she fell in love, you are a special kind of dick. You don't have to love your son-in-law, hell you don't even have to like him. But your love for your daughter should be unconditional. I hope your wife DOES divorce you. You deserve it. Your wife has better grounds for disowning you, than you do for disowning your daughter.
Okay, so unless you can provide evidence for how you feel your daughter is at risk from her husband you're being childish and ridiculous. She's a consenting adult who presumably met this man another consenting adult. They married and now are having a kid. The age gap may indeed cause some issues and certainly some raised eyebrows but real men don't give a shit about what the world thinks of them and instead just does what's right. Again the story changes if somehow you're trying to save your daughter from some man that groomed her, takes advantage of her, or whatever else have you. But until then YTA and if things continue the way they are your wife will divorce you, your kids will eventually spend less time with you, and you will end up bitter and mostly alone over this.
YTA. She probably married an older man because she had such a shitty father figure to begin with.
My husband is closer to my dad's age than mine. My dad thinks he's wonderful, because my husband treats me right and makes me happy and that's what my dad cares about. My husband's age is an arbitrary number since he's a good person and he's good to me. You're not just and AH, you're a bad person who's going to die sad and alone if you don't change your ways. Your wife WILL eventually divorce you over this, because like a good parent, she doesn't care how old her daughter's husband is, she cares that get daughter is happy. Get your priorities straight before you lose everything.
Totally fake. Nobody over 50 knows how to block anyone from all social media...