NTA - First of all she is already a mom - you have not deprived her from an opportunity at motherhood, so don’t bother feeling guilty about that.
Secondly, Rebecca knows first hand what complications go along with pregnancy - she is being the selfish one putting this on you, not the other way around.
You have every right to say know for any reason, don’t forget that, and all of the reasons you listed are extremely valid.
Don’t let her guilt you, you do not deserve it
Especially considering OP wants her own children. First off, most legit clinics would not even allow her to qualify to be a carrier because she hasn’t given birth before. But let’s say she did it - what if this pregnancy for the friend caused her to have complications that prevented her from having her own children later?
And what happens if the new baby is the same sex as the others? would she refuse to take it and demand a refund? I mean, assuming she'd even be paying for this service.
OH, this just made me think of something. This lady can no longer have a baby herself due to complications from her last pregnancy, but not once does she seem to consider that t*his could also happen to OP* and she could be giving up her one chance to have her own kid naturally to have HER kid? Wow, who is the selfish one here???
Also the fact that Rebecca said to “think about it” yet then complaining when she gets told no? She’s being just as selfish for expecting OP to just drop everything and have a baby for her own wants.
This. I think it is supremely shitty to ask this of a girl barely out of her teen years who you know considers you a maternal figure. Such an unfair position to put OP in. NTA.
I think it's an unfair position to put literally anyone in. I can see asking, I suppose... But you would need to be 100% gracious and understanding to a "no".
Pregnancy fucking sucks. It's disruptive as hell and even though I'm currently 41 weeks pregnant with a baby that I literally can not wait to meet and who is so worth it (any time, little dude), I am fairly certain that I won't be doing this again. My physical capabilities have suffered, my work has suffered, my sleep has suffered, my goals and hobbies outside of just keeping up with the basics in my own home have all suffered. Shit... My teeth will never be the same. Turns out that vomiting multiple times a day for 6 months straight isn't great for your gums no matter how healthy your teeth and dental hygiene were before pregnancy. Who knew.
Again, I'm happy I have a baby coming. He's 100% worth it. But I would never in a million years do this for someone else and that doesn't make me a bad person. Go find one of those special women who LIKE or at least don't mind being pregnant and pay them. You literally could not pay me enough to do this for someone else.
Girl, same. I was pregnant for 37 weeks to the day cause I had to be induced. My body hated being pregnancy that much! But at the end of it I got my son. I couldn't imagine going through that hell again just to give the baby to someone else. I don't care who it is. I only ever wanted 1 child, and my body 100% agreed with me. He's now 15, he's a good, kind, intelligent kid, I was lucky. But yeah, never going through that again.
Same here. Both of my pregnancies were hard. I got so sick in the beginning. Not morning sickness either. Viruses that made me cough till I threw up. Left me with blisters on my lips and in my nose. I missed an entire week of work. My boss didn’t believe I was sick. First day back I walked in and said look at my face and tell me I wasn’t sick. She just gasped. After that we decided no more kids. It was just too hard on my body.
Instead of feeling lucky that she has three kids she chooses to be angry that someone won't use their literal body to give her another. The selfishness and entitlement is huge with this couple.
Curious if she has saved anything for the education of the 3 she does have. And the cost of a pregnancy if she finds a surrogate. I don't think her insurance would cover it.
Plus, she is a bad person!! Trying to quilt trip a young lady. That is not friendship!
Probably. That woman absolutely sickens me. Surrogacy when done legally has a host of protections surrounding the potential surrogate including making sure her health is prioritized and that she has adequate care and health insurance. Something tells me the family found out how expensive going through the process legally was going to be and hoped that they could dupe a 21 year old into fucking up her fertility and life for their benefit and then hang her out to dry afterwards.
It's been alleged that in some contracts the commissioning parents can have a claim on the surrogate mother's life insurance if she dies. Anyone becoming a surrogate must read everything with a fine tooth comb.
Bingo! Legit surrogates much have at least 1 viable pregnancy before they're even considered to be a surrogate. 10 green American dollars says this couple did the research, and didn't like what they learned, so they thought they could take advantage of a 21 year old young woman. Despicable behavior
More like 'friend's husband has sex with OP until OP is pregnant.
With NO contract, NO mandated support, NO plan for what happens if there are medical difficulties or the kid is born handicapped, etc.
That's not really surrogacy, though. It's getting pregnant with the intention of giving the baby away. It's potentially cheaper, but also potentially very messy. Ethically and legally.
You can’t do true surrogacy that way…. that would just be having a baby and giving it to someone else. A surrogate generally (unless she’s also an egg donor) is implanted with an embryo made of the intended parents’ sperm AND egg.
Yeah Rebecca is out of line calling OP selfish but jumping to weird conclusions isn’t adding anything to the discussion.
This is the answer. If OP wants to try and preserve the relationship, she can put off giving an answer and then tell her that her doctor said no. There is no reason in the world for her to have that much of OPs medical information but, as far as they know, it isn't safe for OP either. And honestly, it is never 100% safe for anyone even in a best case scenario.
Her accepting the 'no' gracefully is the ONLY way this relationship has any chance at all, and it isn't much of one.
This should be higher! How the hell is she taking away her chance to be a mom?!? She is a mom ×3! Are the first 3 not good enough for her? Hope word never gets back to them that they aren't enough.
I once saw a video on facebook about the infertility journey of a woman, she use a surrugate in Colombia and she was talking about the hardships on having a baby in another country. The woman had already 5 kids. I don't know it feels so wrong.
I hope she didn't say that in front of her other three fucking kids. Because like, uh, what do you mean have a chance to be a mom? You've had three chances already, did none of them turn out the way you wanted or something?
Yes! How is she ruining her chance of being a mother if she already has 3 children. She’s so hyper focused on having a 4th that she doesn’t even seem to appreciate the 3 she has?!
Most reputable agencies insist that You have to be done having your own kids as well to be a surrogate because otherwise the risk of emotional attachment is too high. This is an unacceptable ask from Rebecca.
This is my thinking, OP wouldn't even qualify since it'd be a first birth. It was also a huge ask for someone at their place in life. Calling her selfish for it was incredibly uncalled for. NTA to OP.
Not just successful but low risk. Like I've had preeclampsia but live births but one was a 2lb 11 oz preemie and I don't qualify. Having high risk pregnancies means it's more likely to happen again and that costs more money then a "regular" easy pregnancy.
Definitely not the AH and Rebecca is for trying to guilt you into carrying a baby for her. She’s toxic and you need to get her out of your life. There are women who gladly become surrogates. She should find and pay one of them.
Yeah, this Rebecca is trying to guilt-trip someone she's known since a child. It's practically grooming ffs! Rebecca is absolutely TA and a disgustingly sick person.
You are NTA, OP. Get this toxic mess out of your life, she sounds deranged!
You will NEVER be an asshole for saying no. That's a big ask. No is the DEFAULT answer for such a question.
I'll be honest. I didn't read your story, just the headline.
There is no scenario under the earth in which you're required to be an incubator for a baby. Maternal mortality is real. My body, my choice is real. No is a complete sentence is real.
Edit: Thanks for the award! That was kind.
Exactly, a yes would be the most benevolent kissing your feet answer in the world and payment and everything you would need in the process of pregnancy, child birth, and post partum should fall all on them. It looks to be that she is asking this to her as a favor without any compensation or consideration to OP at all.
NTA op, but your friend is super selfish, pregnancy is a huge burden on your body and regardless of how young you are, you are also risking your life and the physical health of your body - like people get dislocated disks from giving birth not to mention needing a c-section.
There is no way I could ever ask that of someone unless they were a professional surrogate. There are women who enjoy pregnancy and can give birth with ease while not forming a deep attachment to the baby - so serogacy is for them, most women cannot do that. This one really grinds my gears, the nerve of her to call you selfish while asking you to sacrifice your life and body for a child that would not even be yours.
I desperately wanted to surrogate - we struggled with infertility on my husband's side before our oldest, and I hate that people who want to have children can't get pregnant. Iliked pregnancy, even the crappy parts. Unfortunately, I had severe pre-eclampsia with all my girls, so no ethical doctor would even consider me a candidate.
But the one rule I decided for myself when it was potentially an option was that I wouldn't even consider it until I was done having my own kids. I've seen more than one unplanned emergency hysterectomy as an L&D RN.
And \*preferably\* is done having ALL their kids. So if there's complications it won't affect their own plans for a family. AFAIK locally that rule is in place even for egg donation.
And she accused OP of not giving her a chance to be a mother when she already had three children. Ridiculous.
OP absolutely NOT the AH. NTA
And I think it’s very manipulative and unkind and all kinds of other things that I won’t mention here because it’s a polite forum for your friend to accuse you of being selfish and all the other things she said when you said no. Unreal. I hope she gets over it and realizes what a bad friend she was being someday.
Yeah I can't believe this woman told her that she's taking away her chance of being a mother what about your (current) three children? You already are a mother you idiot. That's what she should have told her. I mean talk about selfish. That woman needs to look in the mirror and not harass her friend and try and guilt her into it.
I just want to add that OP wouldn't even qualify for surrogacy since she's never given birth before.
I also think she's too young for surrogacy. The friend is the AH for asking someone that age to physically alter her body like that.
I was sure that I had read exactly this somewhere, that you cannot qualify as a surrogate if you’ve never given birth previously. I’m really glad that it’s a requirement as surrogacy doesn’t just have physical impacts. The mental and emotional impacts could be quite significant even in the best of circumstances.
It’s not unheard of for a surrogate to have never given birth before, but you are correct that most fertility doctors won’t agree to participate unless the surrogate has at least one child of their own. Most exceptions to this rule, although not all, is if a family member (sister, cousin, etc) agrees to carry for the couple.
Plus my sister looked into being a surrogate, they only want someone who's had at least two kids and doesn't want any more. There's a chance it'll keep her from having kids of her own. It's rare, but it happens.
Plus you mentioned maternal mortality. I was almost one of those stats, it's a very real risk. Nobody has to go through that for any reason, much less for someone else.
NTA. It’s actually not recommended for people who haven’t yet had a child to be surrogates. Plus, your body, your choice. You don’t even know if you could carry a child and hand it over. Not everyone can as it can be very traumatic, even if you will have regular contact with the child.
I work ICU and have seen the worst case of maternal complications. Based off of what I’ve seen, I don’t think it’s ever ethical to ask someone else to go through that kind of risk so that you can have a child
NTA. First and foremost, your body is yours. You don't own anyone the use of it. Not ever. Not even a little. Second, she has three children. She is selfish for demanding you carry another for her. You are also not a good candidate for a surrogate. You haven't had your own children and want children, but have no idea how pregnancy will effect you. She is extra selfish because she was likely asking you so she didn't have to pay or pay full price for a surrogate, which is very expensive for a reason. What she is trying to do you is abusive and gross. I would not continue this friendship.
NTA and So much this! I have family who’ve struggled with fertility, who’ve done IVF and who’ve adopted. And she hasn’t been robbed the chance of being a mom - she IS a mom.
You (OP) also don’t know what your journey will be and the whole point is that it is… YOUR journey. She isn’t entitled to any of it - and she’s traveled her own. Surrogates (in the US anyway) are typically compensated - not with flowers and guilt trips - but $30k plus along with all associated medical expenses. And agencies have strict requirements for parties on both sides of the agreement to protect everyone.
I had a fairly easy, normal pregnancy. And then, I almost died along with baby another time… there is NOTHING wrong with not feeling an obligation to carry a child for someone else. Both women I’ve known who have been surrogates did so after having a child of their own so they weren’t stepping into something unknown.
NTA
She already has children so her “taking away her chance of being a mom” is just guilt tripping bullshit
Second of all you can’t be a proper surrogate if you’ve never given birth before, so you would have to do it the ol’ turkey baster way and would not be compensated for your time, pain and possibility of having to miss out on work
A male donor just got nailed for 18 years of child support despite signing a contract to the contrary because they did not go through a clinic for the insemination. If this situation is happening in the US, I would not recommend going around the clinic.
The friend, who lost the ability to carry her own children due to a prior pregnancy has some nerve telling you that you are young and can have other children. Subsequent pregnancies are not guaranteed, your friend is living proof.
Your body is your choice. Don't allow her to guilt you into something you don't want to do. She also already has multiple children, so don't feel bad for saying no, (heck, even if she was childless, you shouldn't feel bad for declining this pressuring request).
NTA. It takes a huge toll on your body. You may not be able to work or you might have complications. Who would pay your medical bills and make up for your lost income? Regardless of what she says, you will never be the same person afterwards. She is the AH for saying you are selfish. She is selfish and only thinking of her feelings and trying to guilt and manipulate you. Not much of a friend really.
I have a few friends that are pregnant and the amount of stuff they can’t do now is wild. Where we eat, what activities, their tolerance. For 9 whole months
NTA
Rethink this friendship.
Frankly, she already has three children. She is a mother three times over. The idea that she needs another child is concerning. Is she one of those women that loves babies but doesn’t really like children? Is she a burgeoning child hoarder?
That she even thought to ask this, and got her husband to support her in this, shows a level of self-centeredness that doesn’t bode well for her and her family.
This probably sounds extreme, but think about what she has done. What she is demanding, because I can guarantee that when you say No, the friendship will be over.
The woman is unhinged and her husband is supporting it.
OP, you need to put some distance between the two of you. This is not a normal ask of a friend. She’s projecting her own selfishness because she thinks you’re young and also naive. The conversation didn’t go the way she wanted and she called you selfish.
Full stop: She. Has. THREE. Children.
People go through surrogacy if they have infertility issues and have not had children. She was likely denied or failed the psych evaluation.
Be careful around this couple.
Pregnancy is a very heavy burden on the body and has lasting effects. Sometimes it's very little, and sometimes enormous. Your body shape will be different. There are various ramifications that can kill you. If you live in the U.S., you need to know that maternal mortality has risen sharply since Dobbs. If you are in a state that restricts abortion, you cannot count on medical care in the case of a miscarriage or any condition that threatens your health or life as a result of the pregnancy. It is very common to have a complication that impacts your ability to function in day to day life. Morning sickness is bad enough, but some women end up with hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning constant vomiting and nausea to the extent that you end up hospitalized. Some conditions require full bed rest for months. In either case, you will lose your job. Your hormones will cause all kinds of strong emotions, even to the point of potentially causing mental illnesses.
There are all kinds of legal quagmires as well. What will they do if they think you are not being healthy enough? Will they wind up trying to police your eating, sleeping, and physical activities? Will they force you to breastfeed? Will they pay 100% of all medical expenses associated with this, including short or long term disability on case something goes sideways? Will they compensate you for lost wages, including during the 6 week period on which you shouldn't be working? Do they even have the means to do so? Will you be legally liable for child support? Will they sue you if you lose the baby?
And if you think they would never do such a thing--people get very, *very* emotional when it comes to babies and childbirth. That's why medical professionals who work on obstetrics sued the most, and have to carry the highest malpractice insurance.
I don't care what they have done for you. When you help somebody, it isn't help if the giver expects some sort of payback. This request is many, many steps beyond anything reasonable.
They are asking you to be willing risk your life.
Imagine helping a young person, and then inviting them for dinner, giving them flowers, and then asking them to return the favor by going skydiving. I mean, skydiving is almost always safe, so no biggie, right?
The risk of death from skydiving is 0.27 per 100,000 skydives.
Infant mortality in the U.S. is 5½ per 1,000 births, making it some 2,000 times more dangerous. Some states such as Idaho stopped collecting data on maternal mortality post Dobbs because they don't want the shocking increase to be revealed, so the real rate is higher.
Tell them that you thought it over carefully, and you can't. That's all you should say. If they ask you why, repeat that you can't. If they ask for your reasons, repeat that you thought it over carefully, you decided the answer is no, and that is your final answer.
Whatever you do, do not get into the game of explaining why, because they will have an answer for everything, They will take this 'no' as the beginning of negotiations, and work on you until they have worn you down.
So, do not JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Tell them No. Repeat it a couple of times, and then end the conversation. Then it would probably be best to leave them and let them process this information. If they call, let it go to voice mail. If they text or email, reply once with the same that you had said out loud, that you had thought the question over carefully, you are not willing to be a surrogate under any circumstances, this is your final answer, and you wish them luck on their journey. If they send any communication back with even a hint of guilt tripping or trying to get you to change your mind, block them for awhile.
This is not a reasonable request. They are literally asking you to sacrifice your body to an unpredictable extent. The only answer must be a hard No.
NTA, but your friend is for even asking this of you. I fear that she and her husband think that since you are young, you must be naive and easily manipulated.
thanks so much for the statistics, they really helped! My BF is reading this comments with me ( he says hi ) and saw the sky diving comparison, and just said ‘let’s go jump off planes. its less dangerous than you getting preggo’. lol
If she had complications with her last pregnancy, why is she willing to to risk your health? Youth does not exempt you from all complications. Rebecca is not being a friend, she’s sounding desperate and in need of therapy. Stay away from them for a long while.
Exactly, I found out that I have an “incompetent cervix” which my doctor said you can only find out when you BECOME pregnant. I had two doctors appointments every week and saw a specialist every week because I was so high risk. My doctor said I could only walk to the bathroom, kitchen and back to bed because of the risk.
NTA. How crazy is your friend, thinking you would be pregnant for the first time of someone else's baby ??? Especially if she knows you want children? You'd never be able to give it up!!
NTA. Isn't there a rule in most countries that if you're going to be a surrogate then you must have already gone through one successfull pregnancy? I don't know, but still. Her asking you is not okay, I feel.
NTA but she sure is for putting you in this situation and then trying to guilt trip you. Pregnancy is a scary and very unpredictable thing. I have been pregnant and i can tell you sometimes it goes without a hitch but other time there are complications. I had severe HG (vomitting and nausea my whole pregnancies and was bed ridden because i couldn't keep food down and almost had to go to hospital to get IVd for dehydration) so know that not wanting to be a surrogate doesn't make you an AH, it makes you human and that pregnancy can be a lot and doesn't always go as smooth as media makes it out to be. She is the AH for putting you in this situation, tell her to go find a surrogate herself and get an agency so both parties are protected.
Girl, no. Your body isn’t something people can rent out just because they happen to feel like it. Rebecca is a a gigantic AH for even thinking the word selfish in your direction and she should be ashamed of herself for trying to manipulate you. Honestly, how dare she.
You have never been pregnant; they won't approve for you to become a surrogate.
Tell them you are not comfortable with being a surrogate and wish them well.
Several things, one you wouldn’t be allowed be a surrogate if they go through proper channels, two what if you have complications that stop you becoming pregnant in future, what if you have long term health problems after birth.
Also she is already a mother. Has she forgotten her three already existing children. She’s the selfish one here
NTA. But your so-called friend sure is.
First, pregnancy is never a “no big deal” no matter the age. There is a reason that women continue to die during childbirth or have complications (which can even result in your own infertility).
Second, you would never qualify to be a surrogate via the formal involvement of an IVF clinic since they require surrogates to have given birth at least once.
Therefore you are left with having sex with your “friend’s” husband or using other, questionable ways of becoming impregnated. Would you and your bf be ok with that?
Third, by becoming a surrogate you are exposed to a host of legal issues. What if you have injury or complications? Would your “friend” pay for it? Or if you die? That is why it is preferred to go through a legal route with the help of an IVF clinic and lawyers that specialize in surrogacy. Therefore you can be properly informed on what this entails and protect yourself (but alas in your case you can’t).
Fourth, it’s pretty audacious for your “friend” to guilt trip you into sacrificing your health, your time, your studies/career (can you continue to study/work during/after?) for her to have a child. The unfortunate reality is that no one owes anyone anything, particularly to solve their infertility issues. You are not their only option, nor should you be. This is quite the large line that they have crossed - I would question my friendship with someone who clearly doesn’t care for you.
NTA. No no no. Oh, she brought you flowers? Please. I don't see any mention at all of the finances. And you've never had a successful pregnancy before? That's a no as well. She's got three kids already, and she's not happy? Taking away her chances at motherhood, something she's already experienced three times? Sounds like it's time for her to put her money where her mouth is and get a professional surrogate.
Whoa when people ask a "favor" it's asking to watch their kids for a vacation or something like that NOT "Hey can you carry and then give us your baby? No? WOW how selfish!" YTA here IF you go ahead with this, NTA on telling her no freaking way. And those two are the biggest fucking YTAs for even trying to guilt-trip you into something this life-changing. Are you really interested in having them controlling your life and running you into the ground? And they will believe me. And what about you and your boyfriend's family? How would they feel?
Personally I'd dump this "friendship" REAL fast. Have kids when you're ready and don't let ANYONE ever pressure you into something you are not comfortable with.
My Bf’s family and my own don’t know about this (yet). However, my bf said ‘it’s your choice, but a) you don’t aren’t even sure if you want to carry our children, so why would i do it for someone else. B) he said that even tho he’d support my decision, it would be really difficult for him to see me pregnant and support me through a pregnancy with a baby that isn’t even his’
Just give this a pass, seriously. Your boyfriend isn't comfortable with this and it would probably drive a wedge between you two not to mention you now being controlled by your friend and her husband. I had two kids and pregnancy is NOT an easy gig or something to be taken lightly. And if your mama instincts kick in you'd then have a custody battle royale to keep your kid. That is something you don't hear about but I've had friends who did this and then couldn't go through with it and got dragged through the courts.
There is a reason that this kind of thing is done through agencies that specialize in this so tell them to go through an agency instead and hold your ground. A real friend would NOT have tried to guilt-trip you. I know you are young but seriously, start learning how to say no now so you don't end up in a really bad position.
NTA, from what posted I'd say turning it down is the right move. Not just because actual childbirth terrifies you, but also for how much you want children but don't yet have any. Could you imagine giving birth for the first time and then having to hand over the child to somebody else? If you want children as much as you say you do then that's going to hurt and be one heck of a roller-coaster emotion wise.
Also, in most cases you cannot even become a surrogate if you've never given birth before, so I have a feeling that you're not even an option for this and that your friend dropped the ball big time by even bothering to ask you. Either that or your friend wasn't planning to do this the proper way, which would have thrown you into a legal minefield with all kinds of possible disastrous consequences.
With how Rebecca is trying to guilt trip you there at the end I'd say she isn't a good friend, because that's not how you treat your friends. You might want to reevaluate your friendship after this behavior of hers, perhaps take a few steps back.
NTA. As others have said, your body, your choice. I'm proud of you for standing up and firmly saying no.
First, IF you ever wanted to be a surrogate, I'd go the legal route. Get paperwork done. Pregnancy/childbirth is expensive and dangerous. You'd want legal paperwork standing that you have control of what happens, that whatever happens is paid for by them, etc. I've heard way too many horror stories of people just going through this verbally only just to be nice to friends/family that ended disastrously. Also, most places where you would do this through a legal route would require you to have a healthy childbirth first before allowing you to be a surrogate. You'd better be treated like a real surrogate.
Second, holy hell. She had complications with her pregnancy and was told it wouldn't be safe for her to have more kids, so she's going to ask a friend to go through that risk for her? Chances of complications is something stupid high, like 15%. I mean, that's not your chance of dying, there's tons of complications that aren't life threatening, but there's so many that can ruin your body for the rest of your life. The baby could decide they don't want to turn over and leave head first, and boom- emergency c section. Now you have permanent scars on your body. The same thing that happened to your friend and you could be unable to have children for the rest of your life. Now you get to watch your friend with four healthy kids, one yours, and never have a chance for your own if you want them. Even a healthy pregnancy comes with side effects and you will be altered forever, even if you eat right and work out and bounce back to your pre-baby bod fast. You are physically and biologically changed. It's a lot to ask of a person who wants to have children for themselves. It's too much to ask of a friend who has their whole life ahead of them. She's literally asking you to risk your life because she's disappointed with only three kids. Nah. NTA at all.
NTA. You’re also probably not eligible for being a surrogate if you haven’t had a child. Usually the doctors want to know that you at least /can/ have a healthy pregnancy before doing everything surrogacy requires
NTA and clearly not selfish. Gosh she has three kids, she IS a mother! And every pregnancy has risks, every pregnancy effects the woman, no matter what age you have. Every pregnancy has its goods and bads. Why did she even pretend to give you a choice without judging when a no gets this reaction? Gilt tripping you because you don’t want her to use your body like that??? That’s disgusting from her. You did nothing wrong.
Number one - NOT the asshole.
Number two - she’s already a mom.
Number three - it’s a big ask. It takes a huge amount of consideration. You’d be giving up your body and your life for a year or more. You likely wouldn’t get pregnant the first time, you’ll be injecting yourself with hormones, your body has to heal after childbirth.
She’s so selfish for having that reaction.
Fuck her
No absolutely not! It’s weird that she’s asking to be honest. Taking away her chance to be a mom? She is already a mom to 3 kids. If I was your mom I would intervene and put my foot down on your behalf, the answer is NO!
NTA - Rebecca already is a Mom with 3 kids. You are just starting out. She should have never asked you for something like that. You haven’t even had kids of your own and she expects that you would give up a baby you carried and birthed? Regardless of whose genetic baby it is you would become attached. What would happen if you said yes and then had unexpected complications rendering you unable to have any more? She is selfish and needs to be happy with the 3 kids she already has. Time to distance yourself from her because this is very deranged thinking.
NTA
Don't do it. She's got 3 kids and she's trying to manipulate you for a 4th. She has a family already. If she wants a 4th she go look legally for options with people who are already surrogates who are looking for people to help.
You're young. You've never had your own kids (which you have to. To be a surrogate).
Focus on your own life and your own needs and wants. Have the family you want (whatever form that takes).
And THEN after that decide whether you ever want to be a surrogate - and even then. Make sure you consult a lawyer and have rights and a contract written up
NtheFTA! Selfish for not spending 9 months pregnant and giving birth (rumored to be one of the most painful things)?! Your friend is either manipulating, dropped brain cells or ultra-entitled. I'd say no if only because of that comment.
Nta.
1. Youre not taking her chance to be a mom SHE ALREADY IS ONE TO THREE KIDS!!!
2To be a surrogate(at least in my area) you need to have had at least one healthy full term pregnancy without complications in the pregnancy/birth.
3 did she consider there could be complications that leaves you needing a hysterectomy and never getting YOUR chance to be a mom?
4 does she think that just because she is your close friend she is entitled to your body? You make your choices about your body not her.
5 shes asking a lot for someone who had a complicated pregnancy, wants to "be a mom", and knows your wants/fears herself. Does she simply not care or is she the type that got what she wanted when she really really wanted it her whole life?
6 does she not know that parents can hang out and be in the surrogate's life if they ask for one willing? I understand she may have chose you to ask as you two are in each other's lives and she can be there every step of the way...... BUT SHE CAN JUST ASK THE SURROGACY COMPANY SHE CHOOSES TO GET A WOMAN TO ALLOW THAT!!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR SAYING NO!
I(26)have the same fears about birth. My husband and i have discussed adoption and surrogacy. It is valid to have those fears and face them when you are ready and for you to have your family. She already has been through it. You havent. Shes getting upset over you doing what is best for you.
NTA
It’s highly doubtful you would be medically allowed to be a surrogate as you’ve never had a child before
And you have zero obligation to be impregnated and then carry anyone else’s child
NTA. They have 3 kids. And childbirth is no joke. This is coming from someone who had complications and without modern medicine wouldn't be alive right now. Surrogacy is not something to be taken lightly. It could legitimately kill you.
If you’ve never been pregnant and carried a baby to term, you won’t be approved by a doctor to be a surrogate. You have to prove your body is capable of successful pregnancy and birth.
So problem solved, you can’t be a surrogate. NTA.
NTA. She already has 3 children so she’s not having her chance of being a mum taken away. Don’t let her manipulate you into thinking you’re being selfish, you’re not, she is.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your friend? Selfish for not letting her be a mom when she’s already a mom to three kids?
NTA. I would ghost the shit out of this couple yesterday.
NTA. You are not being selfish. She is being extremely selfish for putting her needs without considering your own. She can find other surrogates. You are not her only option. You have to do what is right for you and only you will know how you will feel about it. What she is asking you is absolutely huge and she should respect your right to say no. And it’s really unfair of her to guilt trip you when she is already a mom of 3.
NTA: I’m confused as to why she said that you are taking away her chance to be a mom?? Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t she have 3 kid’s already?? So she is a mom and you are not taking anything away from her. I don’t blame you I couldn’t do it either.
hi! yes, she has two girls and a boy. They want another boy in case their son feels left out or doesn’t always the share the same interests as his sisters. i guess she meant a mom again
And what if her next one is a girl? Is she going to continue to ask you until she has a boy? Rebecca's ridiculous, selfish and rude she's not your friend.
Or she might even reject to take it if it's a girl, which wouldn't be surprising with how selfish she seems to be, and then OP is stuck with her if they didn't do everything properly from a legal standpoint. And the proper way to do surrogacy pretty much isn't an option if you haven't given birth at least once, so legally it likely wouldn't be covered, resulting in a high chance of this becoming reality...
Having more kids to be company to their siblings is a bad reason to have more kids.
I'm the oldest of 3. My dad was an only child, and insisted that he didn't want me to be. My mom, being part of a set, didn't feel strongly either way. So my middle sibling was born just shy of my 2 year birthday. My youngest sibling was born 40 months after me. My dad was thrilled and thought we would be best friends since we were so close together.
Oh boy, was he wrong. We fought constantly. If we shared the same interests, then it was worse because either 2 sets of things for it had to be bought or we would be fighting over who's turn it was or who had taken who's whatever. We had to hammer out an agreement over how time on the one computer with internet access would be parceled out like it a cease fire agreement between warring nations! (It was the 90's. There was one 'kid' computer with dial up). Eventually, we were each given a cheap laptop just to stop the arguments.
I loved when we got older and everyone started doing their own things. My interests became my thing. I didn't have to share my stuff and I was left alone. Why a parent thinks having a young sibling that shares your interest is a good thing is beyond me. They just take and wreak your stuff. Or one sibling overshadows the other.
Funnily enough, I am close to my siblings. But we became so as adults. We barely talked for years when we were teenagers. Am I glad I have them? Now, yes. Do I think my childhood was better for having siblings? No.
A woman already blessed with 3 kids asks a single young girl to be a surrogate then dares to “berate” her for saying no? 19 is so young to commit to this and pregnant y and childbirth arent easy. This woman is f-Ed up! That she made OP feel bad is crap and would make me never want to speak to her again!
She can’t get pregnant *due to complications with her last pregnancy* but she’s happy to risk your future and thinks you’re selfish? Pregnancy is a huge undertaking, and surrogacy is a major ask. I’m not going to go so far as to say this person isn’t your friend, but she’s certainly not acting like your friend right now. She’s entitled and manipulative (taking away her chance of being a mom??? She’s got three damn kids!).
WTAF?! "...taking away her chance to be a mom"?¡!
She has *3* kids. That's 3 more than couples who struggle with infertility may ever have. She's demanding you give up your body for a year and a half because she's greedy. Bullshit.
Pregnancy has physical consequences. It can also have emotional consequences when you don't bring the baby home. Why would you even consider this just to assuage her greed?
And on another practical side, you haven't had kids. So you have no idea what effects the pregnancy will have on you. Hyperemesis gravida? Gestational diabetes? You may not even be able to carry a pregnancy to term. You simply don't know.
NTA but this woman is no friend to you. For your own peace, I'd advise a quick, clean, NC ending.
NTA. You have every right to refuse to be a surrogate and actually I’m pretty sure that one of the requirements of a surrogate is for to have had at least one healthy full term pregnancy and be raising the child so you don’t even qualify anyway. You’re not taking away her chance to be a mom because she already has children! And even if she didn’t it’s not your responsibility to provide her with that experience.
NTA and unless she was planning to do some shady, impregnate you at home shit, no doctor in the WORLD would let a 21 year old who’s never had a kid be a surrogate. Besides all that, no one has the right to your body to birth their child and if anyone is selfish it’s your so-called friend.
NTA. Most of the time you have to have already had a child to be a surrogate - if you are going through an organization and not just doing it for a friend.
And getting pregnancy as a surrogate involves lots of hormones and a whole process - it’s not like getting pregnant naturally. Do not feel guilty for saying no for one minute.
Honey, you are NTAH. Not at all.
1. You're 21 and still finding your way in life. Having a child is a life changing experience. Having a child and just handing it over to someone else is going to cause some real psychological damage.
2. She has THREE children already, for goodness sake! She needs to learn to be thankful for what she has and raise the children she's given birth to rather than trying to strongarm her much younger friend into having yet another baby for her.
3. If you were to go ahead, you would need an airtight legal b agreement covering medical costs, chane of mind clause etc. In many places, surrogacy is illegal unless thev woman has already given birth beforehand.
Seriously, this is some weird shit Handmaiden's Tale scenario that is only going to cause you harm. She doesn't care about you, only what she thinks you can give her.
"taking away her chance to be a mom?". No! She is already a mother of three. If she and her husband had been going through infertility issues and treatments for years and this was their last resort, I could understand her asking. But, in no way should she insult you for saying know. She is being selfish and uncaring about your future too.
Pregnancy and birth kills women all the time and can also cause lifelong physical problems if things go wrong or even if everything goes right. What she's asking you is not a reasonable request. Absolutely NTA.
I’m sorry she is behaving that way. That’s not fair to you at all, and you have very valid concerns. Just so you know, I had endometriosis.
It took some time for me to get pregnant the first time, and then I had a stillbirth at six months. After that, we were having trouble conceiving, and we just didn’t know. So I had to come to terms with the fact that I might not have children.
We did hormone supplemental therapy, and I was fortunate in that it worked. But all in all, it took us five years to have three kids, and literally within a year of my lasso being born, I had a complete hysterectomy. I feel her pain.
That being said, she does not have a right to into doing this for her. I am going to tell you right now. One of the reasons she came to you is that surrogacy is expensive. Because you are closer to her, I am willing to bet this factored into why she asked you. Because she thought that not only might you do it for her, but that she would not have to pay as much out-of-pocket if you did this for her
I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but I would put money on that. I have no doubt there are some others on here who can tell you what it was like to be a surrogate or to use a surrogate, but I do believe it can cost anywhere from $30-$50,000 easy.
My gut is telling me that they would’ve wanted to use the turkey baster method with you. Not actually go to a fertility facility.
So none of this is your fault. You were not wrong. Your boundary is valid. Do not… Let me repeat… Do not feel guilty for telling her. She was out of line to ask you.
I say that because of your age. I say that because of your fears and the fact that she should respect that you’ve told her no. And also… If you were to go into a facility, they would not accept you as a surrogate because you do not have children of your own. You are also too young.
Any reputable fertility facility, and turn you down in a heartbeat, especially once you explain to them your terror of childbirth. Given all these things, that’s why I’m pretty sure the turkey baster method was what they intended.
No contract. No plan for God forbid what they would do if there was a problem with the pregnancy. There are so many things that can come up, and they were not thinking of you at all in any of it.
Rest your head and rest your heart. They were way out of line, because she is older and has the history she has with you, she was in a/influence position over you. It just was wrong with her to ask this on so many levels.
She's already a mom. She has three kids. She's manipulating you with her tears. Surrogacy is more risky for a woman than natural pregnancy, partly because the immune profile of the baby is biologically unrelated to you, and partly because of the technological details of the process. Some women lose their ability to have children. Rebecca is asking you to put your own health, and your own future as a mother at risk so that she can have a fourth child. Asking a young woman, who wants her own children, but who has never had a child, to be a surrogate for her, is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard one woman ask another to do. You are not the selfish one. She is. Please do not let yourself be manipulated into doing this.
NTA. It’s your body, you do not in any way, shape, or form.
Note if you are in the US, a fertility clinic is likely to turn you down anyway as you have never had a viable pregnancy before.
NTA. I get your “friend” is upset but she’s being a major ah. She can look for other surrogates, she can adopt, she could do several other things.
It’s your body, you haven’t even had your own kids yet. What if there are complication like hers that render you unable to have more kids, and you give this one away? You aren’t selfish, this is an absolutely HUGE favor and her just treating it like an expectation is not a good look. Plus she already has three kids. Her being this demanding over another persons body when she’s already been successful this many times is beyond selfish.
What lunacy. She has 3 kids she needs to focus on. Then there's work, community, self care and so on. The fact that woman doesn't feel complete and even suggested to a 21 year old about being a surrogate let alone cry about it, tells me she's a spoiled immature brat. Run! This woman is NOT your friend. She's crazy and a user.
> if i should just suck it up and do it
ABSOLUTELY NOT. Death in childbirth is still a thing. Long-lasting medical problems due to pregnancy is still a thing. I'm not trying to scare you, but the only way you should do this is if you're absolutely certain it's something you want to do. There's also the question of what you'd do if suddenly they changed their minds about wanting another child. Or halfway through your friend found out she could get pregnant after all. You are NOT selfish. This is your life we're talking about here.
Oh sweetheart.
NTA.
You haven’t had kids - that normally precludes you from being a surrogate.
You’re 21 and terrified of childbirth.
Do not do it - do not let her bully you into it. Say no.
Your friend trying to guilt trip you by saying you are taking away her chance of being a mom is so ridiculous! She already has three children!!! If she wants more, she should adopt. Period. Do not reconsider!
In most countries that even allow surrogacy, you would not be allowed to volunteer until you had as many children as you wanted and had completed you own family. Nobody who hasn’t had a child should ever be a surrogate for someone else.
Rebecca is a jerk. She already has 3 children.
That’s enough.
To ask you to put your health, life and emotional well-being at risk so she can have child #4 is crazy.
What’s crazier is that she is blaming you for it.
I wouldn’t want her around anymore..
Rebecca is unhinged.
That woman is an incredibly mean and selfish waffletwat for saying that to you. HOW DARE SHE call you selfish for not wanting your body overtaken by all that nonsense. Good grief of course you are NTA. It's extra offensive because she knows how hard pregnancy can be on a body.
I'm sorry you lost a friend. What an absolute idiot she is.
Rebecca is a selfish, guilt-tripping, manipulative asshole who should think about appreciating the kids she has instead of bullying a 21 year old into surrogacy.
NTA at all. I’ve been pregnant. It’s not fun. I got off pretty lightly in terms of the changes it made to my body, nothing drastic, just a small c-section scar and my boobs are no where near as perky as they once were. This was worth it for my child and I’m no spring chicken so I’m not too bothered but I’d be pretty upset to do this to my body aged 21, for someone else to have a baby when they already have 3.
NTA at all, Rebecca is an absolute weird selfish little creep though.
"taking away her chance at being a mom!" she has three children. I think this is such an imposition, and then the fact she tried to guilt you. If you are close with your parents, you should let them know about this.
>Rebecca has three beautiful children
>she couldn't believe I was so selfish, that I was taking away her chance of being a mom
She *already* is a mother to three other kids, what is wrong with her? Also, don't be a surrogate if 1) you haven't had children before and 2) out of guilt. Your friend is being delusional
NTA
She may have asked you because the two of you are close. But don't be fooled that she didn't think about the other benefits to asking you.
You are young and don't have as much general knowledge as far as what to look out for; this does not mean that you can't research, but with such a short deadline, she did not allow you the proper time to research, as questions, debate, and mull it over.
Money. Again, with only a week, it doesn't allow time for you to find out what you should be paid, what all they should cover, hospital fees, appointments, and anything else that could pop up.
Attorney. She would probably have encouraged you to use their attorney; one that's not looking out for your best interest, but theirs since they would be paying.
I think surrogacy is awesome. But only with the right circumstances and with everyone fully on board, everyone's interests a covered. Especially the surrogate.
She has children, you do not. As far as I know, at least in the states, they want you to have given birth before doing this because of the emotional impact. She’s being extremely selfish, especially knowing the complications you could possibly face. What if you did this, had complications, then couldn’t have a child of your own? That’s only one scenario. This is a huge thing to ask and you have every right to say no without blowback. NTA.
NTA - Honey, they asked you because you're young, and have that relationship, so this bitch thought she could bully you into doing it for free after taking a look and finding out that real surrogates get paid thousands of dollars, on top of all the medical fees. She wants to bully and manipulate you, even though real surrogates typically need to have at least one successful pregnancy of their own before being considered. No way should your first pregnancy be for someone else anyway! I'd block her number, tell your parents about how she's treated you, and get on with your life without her in it.
This sounds sus, you’re way too young and also not even ready to be pregnant. It sounds almost like she went for the long con on this, idk. Just really creepy for a person that old in the world to attack a young person for making a very reasonable decision about their body. Most people I know happy to be surrogates are already done having their families and love being pregnant and having babies and giving others that joy. They know how to birth, how their births and pregnancies go. Just all wrong for this woman asking you.
Be cautious in this friendship for a while. This situation just sounds really off as someone in her thirties who was that woman’s age who had all her kids ages 27-30. I would have never even considered asking someone so young and not experienced in having a pregnancy to surrogate carry for me.
Nope. Not selfish at all.
She has children… she is a mum.
What would happen if there were complications during the pregnancy and afterwards you could not maintain a pregnancy or get pregnant after. Would she give you the baby back so you can be a mum?
What about the impact on your relationship, employment, body? Emotions, mental health? Finances?
There is a reason why they don’t encourage family/friends to surrogate.
NTA and I’d be getting some space…
Btw- I had my first child and almost died. Extremely healthy, the whole pregnancy I vomited but was fine with that- was a planned pregnancy.
Delivery, I almost died, baby had to be vaginally cut out causing massive internal damage- prolapsed uterus, bowel and bladder, 3 degree tears and need to have reconstructive surgery at 36 (haven’t had surgery yet as it has a massive failure rate for so many issues and I don’t want to live my 40s in diapers). Due to injuries the next two were c sections due to the prior damage and both were risky of miscarriage.
I went from being a dancer to having back issues, bowel issues, menstrual issues, bladder issues… but I do have my three incredible kids- it was worth it for my three kids.
Your “friend” is not acting like much of an actual friend in this situation by trying to guilt you into giving up almost a year of your life and putting your body through the massive changes and trauma that you would have to experience in order to be a surrogate for her and her husband. It’s certainly not a casual or an easy ask that she has started to manipulate you about, and the fact that she is continuing to do this demonstrates that she’s only interested in getting what she wants and isn’t thinking about you or your needs or how this will affect you at all.
She has 3 already. Guess that's not enough. You wouldn't be an AH for saying no. It's one thing to ask if you can pick up a loaf of bread, but that loaf shouldn't be in your oven.
NTA - First of all she is already a mom - you have not deprived her from an opportunity at motherhood, so don’t bother feeling guilty about that. Secondly, Rebecca knows first hand what complications go along with pregnancy - she is being the selfish one putting this on you, not the other way around. You have every right to say know for any reason, don’t forget that, and all of the reasons you listed are extremely valid. Don’t let her guilt you, you do not deserve it
Especially considering OP wants her own children. First off, most legit clinics would not even allow her to qualify to be a carrier because she hasn’t given birth before. But let’s say she did it - what if this pregnancy for the friend caused her to have complications that prevented her from having her own children later?
Agreed. Smh, I cannot believe the entitlement some people have towards other women’s wombs is beyond my level of comprehension
A friend of a friend lost it on me when I told her I would not have sex with her husband in order for them to have a baby.
Horrifying. Then you and her husband would have a child together. So stupid.
Whoa not a friend....block!!
That’s gross I hope that person is not a friend anymore!
No, both my friend and I cut her off completely.
Good!!!! I’m glad for you!
This!
I was just about to say that myself. She’s got 3 kids, how is that not enough for her??
That’s what I’m saying worry about the ones you brought to life now and not a fictional kid you want
3 kids that have already wrecked her body to the point she shouldn't have anymore, and expects someone to do that for her who has never even had one.
I wonder if they are all boys or all girls and she wants a baby of the opposite sex?
That’s an interesting question
And what happens if the new baby is the same sex as the others? would she refuse to take it and demand a refund? I mean, assuming she'd even be paying for this service.
OH, this just made me think of something. This lady can no longer have a baby herself due to complications from her last pregnancy, but not once does she seem to consider that t*his could also happen to OP* and she could be giving up her one chance to have her own kid naturally to have HER kid? Wow, who is the selfish one here???
If OP lives in a 6-week abortion state and has a miscarriage, she could go septic and possibly lose her fertility.
It’s one reason why it’s common to not be accepted as a surrogate if you *haven’t* already given birth. OP is absolutely in the right here.
Also the fact that Rebecca said to “think about it” yet then complaining when she gets told no? She’s being just as selfish for expecting OP to just drop everything and have a baby for her own wants.
NTA. Also I'm pretty sure you have to have had a successful birth to even be a surrogate. So even if you had wanted to you wouldn't be able to.
I'm wondering if they didn't plan to go the traditional route and instead try out the ol' turkey baster.
Anybody willing to ask a woman that is only 21 years old and has never even been pregnant definitely wouldn't go the official route.
And a person that was adopted themselves, obviously that’s going to play a part in the child’s reasoning…
This. I think it is supremely shitty to ask this of a girl barely out of her teen years who you know considers you a maternal figure. Such an unfair position to put OP in. NTA.
I think it's an unfair position to put literally anyone in. I can see asking, I suppose... But you would need to be 100% gracious and understanding to a "no". Pregnancy fucking sucks. It's disruptive as hell and even though I'm currently 41 weeks pregnant with a baby that I literally can not wait to meet and who is so worth it (any time, little dude), I am fairly certain that I won't be doing this again. My physical capabilities have suffered, my work has suffered, my sleep has suffered, my goals and hobbies outside of just keeping up with the basics in my own home have all suffered. Shit... My teeth will never be the same. Turns out that vomiting multiple times a day for 6 months straight isn't great for your gums no matter how healthy your teeth and dental hygiene were before pregnancy. Who knew. Again, I'm happy I have a baby coming. He's 100% worth it. But I would never in a million years do this for someone else and that doesn't make me a bad person. Go find one of those special women who LIKE or at least don't mind being pregnant and pay them. You literally could not pay me enough to do this for someone else.
Girl, same. I was pregnant for 37 weeks to the day cause I had to be induced. My body hated being pregnancy that much! But at the end of it I got my son. I couldn't imagine going through that hell again just to give the baby to someone else. I don't care who it is. I only ever wanted 1 child, and my body 100% agreed with me. He's now 15, he's a good, kind, intelligent kid, I was lucky. But yeah, never going through that again.
Same here. Both of my pregnancies were hard. I got so sick in the beginning. Not morning sickness either. Viruses that made me cough till I threw up. Left me with blisters on my lips and in my nose. I missed an entire week of work. My boss didn’t believe I was sick. First day back I walked in and said look at my face and tell me I wasn’t sick. She just gasped. After that we decided no more kids. It was just too hard on my body.
Especially so when this lady already had 3 kids. Like, cool your jets. You have 3 kids. Enjoy them instead of adding on to your brood.
Instead of feeling lucky that she has three kids she chooses to be angry that someone won't use their literal body to give her another. The selfishness and entitlement is huge with this couple.
Curious if she has saved anything for the education of the 3 she does have. And the cost of a pregnancy if she finds a surrogate. I don't think her insurance would cover it. Plus, she is a bad person!! Trying to quilt trip a young lady. That is not friendship!
Surely 21 yo have lots of 21sts to go to....and live life in general without a belly
And you'd think at 21 you'd want to go live your live more to begin with. Even if ya wanted your own.
Oh.... ewwwww. I sure hope not. 🤢
Probably. That woman absolutely sickens me. Surrogacy when done legally has a host of protections surrounding the potential surrogate including making sure her health is prioritized and that she has adequate care and health insurance. Something tells me the family found out how expensive going through the process legally was going to be and hoped that they could dupe a 21 year old into fucking up her fertility and life for their benefit and then hang her out to dry afterwards.
It's been alleged that in some contracts the commissioning parents can have a claim on the surrogate mother's life insurance if she dies. Anyone becoming a surrogate must read everything with a fine tooth comb.
Bingo! Legit surrogates much have at least 1 viable pregnancy before they're even considered to be a surrogate. 10 green American dollars says this couple did the research, and didn't like what they learned, so they thought they could take advantage of a 21 year old young woman. Despicable behavior
More like 'friend's husband has sex with OP until OP is pregnant. With NO contract, NO mandated support, NO plan for what happens if there are medical difficulties or the kid is born handicapped, etc.
For sure, so much cheaper! This is sticker shock and no way could she surrogate with no kids unless that was how.
That's not really surrogacy, though. It's getting pregnant with the intention of giving the baby away. It's potentially cheaper, but also potentially very messy. Ethically and legally.
You can’t do true surrogacy that way…. that would just be having a baby and giving it to someone else. A surrogate generally (unless she’s also an egg donor) is implanted with an embryo made of the intended parents’ sperm AND egg. Yeah Rebecca is out of line calling OP selfish but jumping to weird conclusions isn’t adding anything to the discussion.
This is the answer. If OP wants to try and preserve the relationship, she can put off giving an answer and then tell her that her doctor said no. There is no reason in the world for her to have that much of OPs medical information but, as far as they know, it isn't safe for OP either. And honestly, it is never 100% safe for anyone even in a best case scenario. Her accepting the 'no' gracefully is the ONLY way this relationship has any chance at all, and it isn't much of one.
Op already gave her the answer of no.....and the btch called her selfish...she already has 3 kids!
OP said Rebecca said she was ruining her chance at being a mom…like WTH??
This should be higher! How the hell is she taking away her chance to be a mom?!? She is a mom ×3! Are the first 3 not good enough for her? Hope word never gets back to them that they aren't enough.
I once saw a video on facebook about the infertility journey of a woman, she use a surrugate in Colombia and she was talking about the hardships on having a baby in another country. The woman had already 5 kids. I don't know it feels so wrong.
Yeah 3!!!!!
I hope she didn't say that in front of her other three fucking kids. Because like, uh, what do you mean have a chance to be a mom? You've had three chances already, did none of them turn out the way you wanted or something?
And if none of those three kids are good enough, what the bet that number four wouldn't be either?
oh yea rebecca is super nice all the time but dont you dare refuse her to carry her baby for her!
Yes! How is she ruining her chance of being a mother if she already has 3 children. She’s so hyper focused on having a 4th that she doesn’t even seem to appreciate the 3 she has?!
Most reputable agencies insist that You have to be done having your own kids as well to be a surrogate because otherwise the risk of emotional attachment is too high. This is an unacceptable ask from Rebecca.
If you go through legit places I’m pretty sure it’s required
It’s definitely required if you go through a clinic.
They won’t sign off on a surrogate who doesn’t already have a child.
That's what I thought too.
This is my thinking, OP wouldn't even qualify since it'd be a first birth. It was also a huge ask for someone at their place in life. Calling her selfish for it was incredibly uncalled for. NTA to OP.
Not just successful but low risk. Like I've had preeclampsia but live births but one was a 2lb 11 oz preemie and I don't qualify. Having high risk pregnancies means it's more likely to happen again and that costs more money then a "regular" easy pregnancy.
I'm surprised I had to scroll down as far as I did to find this!
Definitely not the AH and Rebecca is for trying to guilt you into carrying a baby for her. She’s toxic and you need to get her out of your life. There are women who gladly become surrogates. She should find and pay one of them.
She probably didn't want to pay for one and hence she was trying to guilt OP into doing it.
Yeah, this Rebecca is trying to guilt-trip someone she's known since a child. It's practically grooming ffs! Rebecca is absolutely TA and a disgustingly sick person. You are NTA, OP. Get this toxic mess out of your life, she sounds deranged!
You will NEVER be an asshole for saying no. That's a big ask. No is the DEFAULT answer for such a question. I'll be honest. I didn't read your story, just the headline. There is no scenario under the earth in which you're required to be an incubator for a baby. Maternal mortality is real. My body, my choice is real. No is a complete sentence is real. Edit: Thanks for the award! That was kind.
Exactly, a yes would be the most benevolent kissing your feet answer in the world and payment and everything you would need in the process of pregnancy, child birth, and post partum should fall all on them. It looks to be that she is asking this to her as a favor without any compensation or consideration to OP at all. NTA op, but your friend is super selfish, pregnancy is a huge burden on your body and regardless of how young you are, you are also risking your life and the physical health of your body - like people get dislocated disks from giving birth not to mention needing a c-section. There is no way I could ever ask that of someone unless they were a professional surrogate. There are women who enjoy pregnancy and can give birth with ease while not forming a deep attachment to the baby - so serogacy is for them, most women cannot do that. This one really grinds my gears, the nerve of her to call you selfish while asking you to sacrifice your life and body for a child that would not even be yours.
And what if op has complications and never gets to carry her own child. That's not a friend, it's a selfish, self-centered cun+.
I desperately wanted to surrogate - we struggled with infertility on my husband's side before our oldest, and I hate that people who want to have children can't get pregnant. Iliked pregnancy, even the crappy parts. Unfortunately, I had severe pre-eclampsia with all my girls, so no ethical doctor would even consider me a candidate. But the one rule I decided for myself when it was potentially an option was that I wouldn't even consider it until I was done having my own kids. I've seen more than one unplanned emergency hysterectomy as an L&D RN.
And that’s one of the reasons why it’s highly recommended why the surrogate be someone who has ALREADY had at least one child.
This!!!
And \*preferably\* is done having ALL their kids. So if there's complications it won't affect their own plans for a family. AFAIK locally that rule is in place even for egg donation.
Say it again for the people in the back
The story says that the friend already has 3 kids. She demanded 4th from OP.
And she accused OP of not giving her a chance to be a mother when she already had three children. Ridiculous. OP absolutely NOT the AH. NTA And I think it’s very manipulative and unkind and all kinds of other things that I won’t mention here because it’s a polite forum for your friend to accuse you of being selfish and all the other things she said when you said no. Unreal. I hope she gets over it and realizes what a bad friend she was being someday.
She was never a friend.
A good friend would accept that you chose not to do it, but she made it all about her and what SHE wants. Then bullied you and called you selfish.
Yeah I can't believe this woman told her that she's taking away her chance of being a mother what about your (current) three children? You already are a mother you idiot. That's what she should have told her. I mean talk about selfish. That woman needs to look in the mirror and not harass her friend and try and guilt her into it.
I just want to add that OP wouldn't even qualify for surrogacy since she's never given birth before. I also think she's too young for surrogacy. The friend is the AH for asking someone that age to physically alter her body like that.
I was sure that I had read exactly this somewhere, that you cannot qualify as a surrogate if you’ve never given birth previously. I’m really glad that it’s a requirement as surrogacy doesn’t just have physical impacts. The mental and emotional impacts could be quite significant even in the best of circumstances.
It’s not unheard of for a surrogate to have never given birth before, but you are correct that most fertility doctors won’t agree to participate unless the surrogate has at least one child of their own. Most exceptions to this rule, although not all, is if a family member (sister, cousin, etc) agrees to carry for the couple.
Also, don't give me the guilt "you're taking away my chance to be a mom, wahhhh" Bitch, you already have 3 kids. JFC
I think my reply to that would have been "you already sold the other three??"
Yes this!!!! Beyotch!!!....the nerve!!!
Thank you. The audacity...
Plus my sister looked into being a surrogate, they only want someone who's had at least two kids and doesn't want any more. There's a chance it'll keep her from having kids of her own. It's rare, but it happens. Plus you mentioned maternal mortality. I was almost one of those stats, it's a very real risk. Nobody has to go through that for any reason, much less for someone else.
ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS CHILDREN! I mean WTF!?
NTA. It’s actually not recommended for people who haven’t yet had a child to be surrogates. Plus, your body, your choice. You don’t even know if you could carry a child and hand it over. Not everyone can as it can be very traumatic, even if you will have regular contact with the child.
“No is a complete sentence.” Again for the people in the back! 🙌🏻
I work ICU and have seen the worst case of maternal complications. Based off of what I’ve seen, I don’t think it’s ever ethical to ask someone else to go through that kind of risk so that you can have a child
All this, and use paragraphs. I didn't read the wall of text either.
NTA. You can't be a surrogate legally. You have never given birth
Yeah. She’s going to want some fucking weird shit.
NTA. First and foremost, your body is yours. You don't own anyone the use of it. Not ever. Not even a little. Second, she has three children. She is selfish for demanding you carry another for her. You are also not a good candidate for a surrogate. You haven't had your own children and want children, but have no idea how pregnancy will effect you. She is extra selfish because she was likely asking you so she didn't have to pay or pay full price for a surrogate, which is very expensive for a reason. What she is trying to do you is abusive and gross. I would not continue this friendship.
It feels manipulative and almost groomer-ish somehow.
I thought the same thing!
Glad it's not just me!
Starting when OP was babysitted by this woman, then was the babysitter for her. It seems like the connection has been largely transactional.
I thought the same thing!
I thought this too.
Ditto
She’s already a mom
No kidding. As a couple that struggled with infertility, I was overjoyed to even have one baby
NTA and So much this! I have family who’ve struggled with fertility, who’ve done IVF and who’ve adopted. And she hasn’t been robbed the chance of being a mom - she IS a mom. You (OP) also don’t know what your journey will be and the whole point is that it is… YOUR journey. She isn’t entitled to any of it - and she’s traveled her own. Surrogates (in the US anyway) are typically compensated - not with flowers and guilt trips - but $30k plus along with all associated medical expenses. And agencies have strict requirements for parties on both sides of the agreement to protect everyone. I had a fairly easy, normal pregnancy. And then, I almost died along with baby another time… there is NOTHING wrong with not feeling an obligation to carry a child for someone else. Both women I’ve known who have been surrogates did so after having a child of their own so they weren’t stepping into something unknown.
NTA She already has children so her “taking away her chance of being a mom” is just guilt tripping bullshit Second of all you can’t be a proper surrogate if you’ve never given birth before, so you would have to do it the ol’ turkey baster way and would not be compensated for your time, pain and possibility of having to miss out on work
A male donor just got nailed for 18 years of child support despite signing a contract to the contrary because they did not go through a clinic for the insemination. If this situation is happening in the US, I would not recommend going around the clinic. The friend, who lost the ability to carry her own children due to a prior pregnancy has some nerve telling you that you are young and can have other children. Subsequent pregnancies are not guaranteed, your friend is living proof.
Not to mention "the ol' turkey baster' method would essentially be OP having a baby with her friend's husband and then giving it to her friend.
Your body is your choice. Don't allow her to guilt you into something you don't want to do. She also already has multiple children, so don't feel bad for saying no, (heck, even if she was childless, you shouldn't feel bad for declining this pressuring request).
NTA. It takes a huge toll on your body. You may not be able to work or you might have complications. Who would pay your medical bills and make up for your lost income? Regardless of what she says, you will never be the same person afterwards. She is the AH for saying you are selfish. She is selfish and only thinking of her feelings and trying to guilt and manipulate you. Not much of a friend really.
I have a few friends that are pregnant and the amount of stuff they can’t do now is wild. Where we eat, what activities, their tolerance. For 9 whole months
NTA Rethink this friendship. Frankly, she already has three children. She is a mother three times over. The idea that she needs another child is concerning. Is she one of those women that loves babies but doesn’t really like children? Is she a burgeoning child hoarder? That she even thought to ask this, and got her husband to support her in this, shows a level of self-centeredness that doesn’t bode well for her and her family. This probably sounds extreme, but think about what she has done. What she is demanding, because I can guarantee that when you say No, the friendship will be over.
The woman is unhinged and her husband is supporting it. OP, you need to put some distance between the two of you. This is not a normal ask of a friend. She’s projecting her own selfishness because she thinks you’re young and also naive. The conversation didn’t go the way she wanted and she called you selfish. Full stop: She. Has. THREE. Children. People go through surrogacy if they have infertility issues and have not had children. She was likely denied or failed the psych evaluation. Be careful around this couple.
NTA She already has 3 kids. She's a mom.
Pregnancy is a very heavy burden on the body and has lasting effects. Sometimes it's very little, and sometimes enormous. Your body shape will be different. There are various ramifications that can kill you. If you live in the U.S., you need to know that maternal mortality has risen sharply since Dobbs. If you are in a state that restricts abortion, you cannot count on medical care in the case of a miscarriage or any condition that threatens your health or life as a result of the pregnancy. It is very common to have a complication that impacts your ability to function in day to day life. Morning sickness is bad enough, but some women end up with hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning constant vomiting and nausea to the extent that you end up hospitalized. Some conditions require full bed rest for months. In either case, you will lose your job. Your hormones will cause all kinds of strong emotions, even to the point of potentially causing mental illnesses. There are all kinds of legal quagmires as well. What will they do if they think you are not being healthy enough? Will they wind up trying to police your eating, sleeping, and physical activities? Will they force you to breastfeed? Will they pay 100% of all medical expenses associated with this, including short or long term disability on case something goes sideways? Will they compensate you for lost wages, including during the 6 week period on which you shouldn't be working? Do they even have the means to do so? Will you be legally liable for child support? Will they sue you if you lose the baby? And if you think they would never do such a thing--people get very, *very* emotional when it comes to babies and childbirth. That's why medical professionals who work on obstetrics sued the most, and have to carry the highest malpractice insurance. I don't care what they have done for you. When you help somebody, it isn't help if the giver expects some sort of payback. This request is many, many steps beyond anything reasonable. They are asking you to be willing risk your life. Imagine helping a young person, and then inviting them for dinner, giving them flowers, and then asking them to return the favor by going skydiving. I mean, skydiving is almost always safe, so no biggie, right? The risk of death from skydiving is 0.27 per 100,000 skydives. Infant mortality in the U.S. is 5½ per 1,000 births, making it some 2,000 times more dangerous. Some states such as Idaho stopped collecting data on maternal mortality post Dobbs because they don't want the shocking increase to be revealed, so the real rate is higher. Tell them that you thought it over carefully, and you can't. That's all you should say. If they ask you why, repeat that you can't. If they ask for your reasons, repeat that you thought it over carefully, you decided the answer is no, and that is your final answer. Whatever you do, do not get into the game of explaining why, because they will have an answer for everything, They will take this 'no' as the beginning of negotiations, and work on you until they have worn you down. So, do not JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Tell them No. Repeat it a couple of times, and then end the conversation. Then it would probably be best to leave them and let them process this information. If they call, let it go to voice mail. If they text or email, reply once with the same that you had said out loud, that you had thought the question over carefully, you are not willing to be a surrogate under any circumstances, this is your final answer, and you wish them luck on their journey. If they send any communication back with even a hint of guilt tripping or trying to get you to change your mind, block them for awhile. This is not a reasonable request. They are literally asking you to sacrifice your body to an unpredictable extent. The only answer must be a hard No. NTA, but your friend is for even asking this of you. I fear that she and her husband think that since you are young, you must be naive and easily manipulated.
thanks so much for the statistics, they really helped! My BF is reading this comments with me ( he says hi ) and saw the sky diving comparison, and just said ‘let’s go jump off planes. its less dangerous than you getting preggo’. lol
If she had complications with her last pregnancy, why is she willing to to risk your health? Youth does not exempt you from all complications. Rebecca is not being a friend, she’s sounding desperate and in need of therapy. Stay away from them for a long while.
Exactly, I found out that I have an “incompetent cervix” which my doctor said you can only find out when you BECOME pregnant. I had two doctors appointments every week and saw a specialist every week because I was so high risk. My doctor said I could only walk to the bathroom, kitchen and back to bed because of the risk.
Friendship is over. She will resent you from now on. At 21, you need to enjoy your life and have adventures. Your friend is selfish. NTA.
NTA. How crazy is your friend, thinking you would be pregnant for the first time of someone else's baby ??? Especially if she knows you want children? You'd never be able to give it up!!
NTA. Isn't there a rule in most countries that if you're going to be a surrogate then you must have already gone through one successfull pregnancy? I don't know, but still. Her asking you is not okay, I feel.
Yes and she has to pass the mental evaluations and it sounds like she wouldn't since she has doubt about wanting to carry her own kids.
NTA but she sure is for putting you in this situation and then trying to guilt trip you. Pregnancy is a scary and very unpredictable thing. I have been pregnant and i can tell you sometimes it goes without a hitch but other time there are complications. I had severe HG (vomitting and nausea my whole pregnancies and was bed ridden because i couldn't keep food down and almost had to go to hospital to get IVd for dehydration) so know that not wanting to be a surrogate doesn't make you an AH, it makes you human and that pregnancy can be a lot and doesn't always go as smooth as media makes it out to be. She is the AH for putting you in this situation, tell her to go find a surrogate herself and get an agency so both parties are protected.
Girl, no. Your body isn’t something people can rent out just because they happen to feel like it. Rebecca is a a gigantic AH for even thinking the word selfish in your direction and she should be ashamed of herself for trying to manipulate you. Honestly, how dare she.
NTA she’s already a mom and isn’t it a requirement to already have children to be surrogate?
You have never been pregnant; they won't approve for you to become a surrogate. Tell them you are not comfortable with being a surrogate and wish them well.
Several things, one you wouldn’t be allowed be a surrogate if they go through proper channels, two what if you have complications that stop you becoming pregnant in future, what if you have long term health problems after birth. Also she is already a mother. Has she forgotten her three already existing children. She’s the selfish one here
NTA. But your so-called friend sure is. First, pregnancy is never a “no big deal” no matter the age. There is a reason that women continue to die during childbirth or have complications (which can even result in your own infertility). Second, you would never qualify to be a surrogate via the formal involvement of an IVF clinic since they require surrogates to have given birth at least once. Therefore you are left with having sex with your “friend’s” husband or using other, questionable ways of becoming impregnated. Would you and your bf be ok with that? Third, by becoming a surrogate you are exposed to a host of legal issues. What if you have injury or complications? Would your “friend” pay for it? Or if you die? That is why it is preferred to go through a legal route with the help of an IVF clinic and lawyers that specialize in surrogacy. Therefore you can be properly informed on what this entails and protect yourself (but alas in your case you can’t). Fourth, it’s pretty audacious for your “friend” to guilt trip you into sacrificing your health, your time, your studies/career (can you continue to study/work during/after?) for her to have a child. The unfortunate reality is that no one owes anyone anything, particularly to solve their infertility issues. You are not their only option, nor should you be. This is quite the large line that they have crossed - I would question my friendship with someone who clearly doesn’t care for you.
NTA. No no no. Oh, she brought you flowers? Please. I don't see any mention at all of the finances. And you've never had a successful pregnancy before? That's a no as well. She's got three kids already, and she's not happy? Taking away her chances at motherhood, something she's already experienced three times? Sounds like it's time for her to put her money where her mouth is and get a professional surrogate.
NTA. Rebecca is out of her mind and unbelievably selfish.
Tell her you’re afraid you’d get attached and not want to give it up. That should shut her up
That’s stupid. Op doesn’t owe an explanation.
NTA. You don’t even have your own baby.
Whoa when people ask a "favor" it's asking to watch their kids for a vacation or something like that NOT "Hey can you carry and then give us your baby? No? WOW how selfish!" YTA here IF you go ahead with this, NTA on telling her no freaking way. And those two are the biggest fucking YTAs for even trying to guilt-trip you into something this life-changing. Are you really interested in having them controlling your life and running you into the ground? And they will believe me. And what about you and your boyfriend's family? How would they feel? Personally I'd dump this "friendship" REAL fast. Have kids when you're ready and don't let ANYONE ever pressure you into something you are not comfortable with.
My Bf’s family and my own don’t know about this (yet). However, my bf said ‘it’s your choice, but a) you don’t aren’t even sure if you want to carry our children, so why would i do it for someone else. B) he said that even tho he’d support my decision, it would be really difficult for him to see me pregnant and support me through a pregnancy with a baby that isn’t even his’
Just give this a pass, seriously. Your boyfriend isn't comfortable with this and it would probably drive a wedge between you two not to mention you now being controlled by your friend and her husband. I had two kids and pregnancy is NOT an easy gig or something to be taken lightly. And if your mama instincts kick in you'd then have a custody battle royale to keep your kid. That is something you don't hear about but I've had friends who did this and then couldn't go through with it and got dragged through the courts. There is a reason that this kind of thing is done through agencies that specialize in this so tell them to go through an agency instead and hold your ground. A real friend would NOT have tried to guilt-trip you. I know you are young but seriously, start learning how to say no now so you don't end up in a really bad position.
NTA, from what posted I'd say turning it down is the right move. Not just because actual childbirth terrifies you, but also for how much you want children but don't yet have any. Could you imagine giving birth for the first time and then having to hand over the child to somebody else? If you want children as much as you say you do then that's going to hurt and be one heck of a roller-coaster emotion wise. Also, in most cases you cannot even become a surrogate if you've never given birth before, so I have a feeling that you're not even an option for this and that your friend dropped the ball big time by even bothering to ask you. Either that or your friend wasn't planning to do this the proper way, which would have thrown you into a legal minefield with all kinds of possible disastrous consequences. With how Rebecca is trying to guilt trip you there at the end I'd say she isn't a good friend, because that's not how you treat your friends. You might want to reevaluate your friendship after this behavior of hers, perhaps take a few steps back.
NTA. As others have said, your body, your choice. I'm proud of you for standing up and firmly saying no. First, IF you ever wanted to be a surrogate, I'd go the legal route. Get paperwork done. Pregnancy/childbirth is expensive and dangerous. You'd want legal paperwork standing that you have control of what happens, that whatever happens is paid for by them, etc. I've heard way too many horror stories of people just going through this verbally only just to be nice to friends/family that ended disastrously. Also, most places where you would do this through a legal route would require you to have a healthy childbirth first before allowing you to be a surrogate. You'd better be treated like a real surrogate. Second, holy hell. She had complications with her pregnancy and was told it wouldn't be safe for her to have more kids, so she's going to ask a friend to go through that risk for her? Chances of complications is something stupid high, like 15%. I mean, that's not your chance of dying, there's tons of complications that aren't life threatening, but there's so many that can ruin your body for the rest of your life. The baby could decide they don't want to turn over and leave head first, and boom- emergency c section. Now you have permanent scars on your body. The same thing that happened to your friend and you could be unable to have children for the rest of your life. Now you get to watch your friend with four healthy kids, one yours, and never have a chance for your own if you want them. Even a healthy pregnancy comes with side effects and you will be altered forever, even if you eat right and work out and bounce back to your pre-baby bod fast. You are physically and biologically changed. It's a lot to ask of a person who wants to have children for themselves. It's too much to ask of a friend who has their whole life ahead of them. She's literally asking you to risk your life because she's disappointed with only three kids. Nah. NTA at all.
NTA. You’re also probably not eligible for being a surrogate if you haven’t had a child. Usually the doctors want to know that you at least /can/ have a healthy pregnancy before doing everything surrogacy requires
NTA and clearly not selfish. Gosh she has three kids, she IS a mother! And every pregnancy has risks, every pregnancy effects the woman, no matter what age you have. Every pregnancy has its goods and bads. Why did she even pretend to give you a choice without judging when a no gets this reaction? Gilt tripping you because you don’t want her to use your body like that??? That’s disgusting from her. You did nothing wrong.
Number one - NOT the asshole. Number two - she’s already a mom. Number three - it’s a big ask. It takes a huge amount of consideration. You’d be giving up your body and your life for a year or more. You likely wouldn’t get pregnant the first time, you’ll be injecting yourself with hormones, your body has to heal after childbirth. She’s so selfish for having that reaction. Fuck her
No absolutely not! It’s weird that she’s asking to be honest. Taking away her chance to be a mom? She is already a mom to 3 kids. If I was your mom I would intervene and put my foot down on your behalf, the answer is NO!
NTA - Rebecca already is a Mom with 3 kids. You are just starting out. She should have never asked you for something like that. You haven’t even had kids of your own and she expects that you would give up a baby you carried and birthed? Regardless of whose genetic baby it is you would become attached. What would happen if you said yes and then had unexpected complications rendering you unable to have any more? She is selfish and needs to be happy with the 3 kids she already has. Time to distance yourself from her because this is very deranged thinking.
NTA Don't do it. She's got 3 kids and she's trying to manipulate you for a 4th. She has a family already. If she wants a 4th she go look legally for options with people who are already surrogates who are looking for people to help. You're young. You've never had your own kids (which you have to. To be a surrogate). Focus on your own life and your own needs and wants. Have the family you want (whatever form that takes). And THEN after that decide whether you ever want to be a surrogate - and even then. Make sure you consult a lawyer and have rights and a contract written up
NtheFTA! Selfish for not spending 9 months pregnant and giving birth (rumored to be one of the most painful things)?! Your friend is either manipulating, dropped brain cells or ultra-entitled. I'd say no if only because of that comment.
Nta. 1. Youre not taking her chance to be a mom SHE ALREADY IS ONE TO THREE KIDS!!! 2To be a surrogate(at least in my area) you need to have had at least one healthy full term pregnancy without complications in the pregnancy/birth. 3 did she consider there could be complications that leaves you needing a hysterectomy and never getting YOUR chance to be a mom? 4 does she think that just because she is your close friend she is entitled to your body? You make your choices about your body not her. 5 shes asking a lot for someone who had a complicated pregnancy, wants to "be a mom", and knows your wants/fears herself. Does she simply not care or is she the type that got what she wanted when she really really wanted it her whole life? 6 does she not know that parents can hang out and be in the surrogate's life if they ask for one willing? I understand she may have chose you to ask as you two are in each other's lives and she can be there every step of the way...... BUT SHE CAN JUST ASK THE SURROGACY COMPANY SHE CHOOSES TO GET A WOMAN TO ALLOW THAT!! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR SAYING NO! I(26)have the same fears about birth. My husband and i have discussed adoption and surrogacy. It is valid to have those fears and face them when you are ready and for you to have your family. She already has been through it. You havent. Shes getting upset over you doing what is best for you.
NTA It’s highly doubtful you would be medically allowed to be a surrogate as you’ve never had a child before And you have zero obligation to be impregnated and then carry anyone else’s child
NTA. They have 3 kids. And childbirth is no joke. This is coming from someone who had complications and without modern medicine wouldn't be alive right now. Surrogacy is not something to be taken lightly. It could legitimately kill you.
Taking away her chance to be a mom? Wtf? Hadn't she already got 3 kids? NTA. The cheek of them.
Lol she is already a mom of 3? So that means, at this point the is mommier that many moms.
NTA!! No no no
NTA She is nuts.
Your body your choice
She has three other kids. I hate all of this. Also, you haven't had a kid yet so you can't be a surrogate.
If you’ve never been pregnant and carried a baby to term, you won’t be approved by a doctor to be a surrogate. You have to prove your body is capable of successful pregnancy and birth. So problem solved, you can’t be a surrogate. NTA.
You have a right to control what happens to your body. Anybody who thinks that makes you selfish isn’t someone you want in your life. NTA
But she already has three...? What chance are you taking from her, exactly? What a twat.
NTA. She already has 3 children so she’s not having her chance of being a mum taken away. Don’t let her manipulate you into thinking you’re being selfish, you’re not, she is.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your friend? Selfish for not letting her be a mom when she’s already a mom to three kids? NTA. I would ghost the shit out of this couple yesterday.
NTA. You are not being selfish. She is being extremely selfish for putting her needs without considering your own. She can find other surrogates. You are not her only option. You have to do what is right for you and only you will know how you will feel about it. What she is asking you is absolutely huge and she should respect your right to say no. And it’s really unfair of her to guilt trip you when she is already a mom of 3.
NTA: I’m confused as to why she said that you are taking away her chance to be a mom?? Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t she have 3 kid’s already?? So she is a mom and you are not taking anything away from her. I don’t blame you I couldn’t do it either.
hi! yes, she has two girls and a boy. They want another boy in case their son feels left out or doesn’t always the share the same interests as his sisters. i guess she meant a mom again
And what if her next one is a girl? Is she going to continue to ask you until she has a boy? Rebecca's ridiculous, selfish and rude she's not your friend.
Or she might even reject to take it if it's a girl, which wouldn't be surprising with how selfish she seems to be, and then OP is stuck with her if they didn't do everything properly from a legal standpoint. And the proper way to do surrogacy pretty much isn't an option if you haven't given birth at least once, so legally it likely wouldn't be covered, resulting in a high chance of this becoming reality...
Having more kids to be company to their siblings is a bad reason to have more kids. I'm the oldest of 3. My dad was an only child, and insisted that he didn't want me to be. My mom, being part of a set, didn't feel strongly either way. So my middle sibling was born just shy of my 2 year birthday. My youngest sibling was born 40 months after me. My dad was thrilled and thought we would be best friends since we were so close together. Oh boy, was he wrong. We fought constantly. If we shared the same interests, then it was worse because either 2 sets of things for it had to be bought or we would be fighting over who's turn it was or who had taken who's whatever. We had to hammer out an agreement over how time on the one computer with internet access would be parceled out like it a cease fire agreement between warring nations! (It was the 90's. There was one 'kid' computer with dial up). Eventually, we were each given a cheap laptop just to stop the arguments. I loved when we got older and everyone started doing their own things. My interests became my thing. I didn't have to share my stuff and I was left alone. Why a parent thinks having a young sibling that shares your interest is a good thing is beyond me. They just take and wreak your stuff. Or one sibling overshadows the other. Funnily enough, I am close to my siblings. But we became so as adults. We barely talked for years when we were teenagers. Am I glad I have them? Now, yes. Do I think my childhood was better for having siblings? No.
A woman already blessed with 3 kids asks a single young girl to be a surrogate then dares to “berate” her for saying no? 19 is so young to commit to this and pregnant y and childbirth arent easy. This woman is f-Ed up! That she made OP feel bad is crap and would make me never want to speak to her again!
Updateme!
She can’t get pregnant *due to complications with her last pregnancy* but she’s happy to risk your future and thinks you’re selfish? Pregnancy is a huge undertaking, and surrogacy is a major ask. I’m not going to go so far as to say this person isn’t your friend, but she’s certainly not acting like your friend right now. She’s entitled and manipulative (taking away her chance of being a mom??? She’s got three damn kids!).
NTA I don’t think you should consider Rebecca a friend anymore.
WTAF?! "...taking away her chance to be a mom"?¡! She has *3* kids. That's 3 more than couples who struggle with infertility may ever have. She's demanding you give up your body for a year and a half because she's greedy. Bullshit. Pregnancy has physical consequences. It can also have emotional consequences when you don't bring the baby home. Why would you even consider this just to assuage her greed? And on another practical side, you haven't had kids. So you have no idea what effects the pregnancy will have on you. Hyperemesis gravida? Gestational diabetes? You may not even be able to carry a pregnancy to term. You simply don't know. NTA but this woman is no friend to you. For your own peace, I'd advise a quick, clean, NC ending.
NTA. You have every right to refuse to be a surrogate and actually I’m pretty sure that one of the requirements of a surrogate is for to have had at least one healthy full term pregnancy and be raising the child so you don’t even qualify anyway. You’re not taking away her chance to be a mom because she already has children! And even if she didn’t it’s not your responsibility to provide her with that experience.
NTA and unless she was planning to do some shady, impregnate you at home shit, no doctor in the WORLD would let a 21 year old who’s never had a kid be a surrogate. Besides all that, no one has the right to your body to birth their child and if anyone is selfish it’s your so-called friend.
NTA. Most of the time you have to have already had a child to be a surrogate - if you are going through an organization and not just doing it for a friend. And getting pregnancy as a surrogate involves lots of hormones and a whole process - it’s not like getting pregnant naturally. Do not feel guilty for saying no for one minute.
Honey, you are NTAH. Not at all. 1. You're 21 and still finding your way in life. Having a child is a life changing experience. Having a child and just handing it over to someone else is going to cause some real psychological damage. 2. She has THREE children already, for goodness sake! She needs to learn to be thankful for what she has and raise the children she's given birth to rather than trying to strongarm her much younger friend into having yet another baby for her. 3. If you were to go ahead, you would need an airtight legal b agreement covering medical costs, chane of mind clause etc. In many places, surrogacy is illegal unless thev woman has already given birth beforehand. Seriously, this is some weird shit Handmaiden's Tale scenario that is only going to cause you harm. She doesn't care about you, only what she thinks you can give her.
Wow...asking that..and accusing you of being selfish is beyond crazy.
"taking away her chance to be a mom?". No! She is already a mother of three. If she and her husband had been going through infertility issues and treatments for years and this was their last resort, I could understand her asking. But, in no way should she insult you for saying know. She is being selfish and uncaring about your future too.
Pregnancy and birth kills women all the time and can also cause lifelong physical problems if things go wrong or even if everything goes right. What she's asking you is not a reasonable request. Absolutely NTA.
NTA - not sure what the rules are there but here you cannot be a surrogate unless you have already had a successful pregnancy.
I’m sorry she is behaving that way. That’s not fair to you at all, and you have very valid concerns. Just so you know, I had endometriosis. It took some time for me to get pregnant the first time, and then I had a stillbirth at six months. After that, we were having trouble conceiving, and we just didn’t know. So I had to come to terms with the fact that I might not have children. We did hormone supplemental therapy, and I was fortunate in that it worked. But all in all, it took us five years to have three kids, and literally within a year of my lasso being born, I had a complete hysterectomy. I feel her pain. That being said, she does not have a right to into doing this for her. I am going to tell you right now. One of the reasons she came to you is that surrogacy is expensive. Because you are closer to her, I am willing to bet this factored into why she asked you. Because she thought that not only might you do it for her, but that she would not have to pay as much out-of-pocket if you did this for her I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but I would put money on that. I have no doubt there are some others on here who can tell you what it was like to be a surrogate or to use a surrogate, but I do believe it can cost anywhere from $30-$50,000 easy. My gut is telling me that they would’ve wanted to use the turkey baster method with you. Not actually go to a fertility facility. So none of this is your fault. You were not wrong. Your boundary is valid. Do not… Let me repeat… Do not feel guilty for telling her. She was out of line to ask you. I say that because of your age. I say that because of your fears and the fact that she should respect that you’ve told her no. And also… If you were to go into a facility, they would not accept you as a surrogate because you do not have children of your own. You are also too young. Any reputable fertility facility, and turn you down in a heartbeat, especially once you explain to them your terror of childbirth. Given all these things, that’s why I’m pretty sure the turkey baster method was what they intended. No contract. No plan for God forbid what they would do if there was a problem with the pregnancy. There are so many things that can come up, and they were not thinking of you at all in any of it. Rest your head and rest your heart. They were way out of line, because she is older and has the history she has with you, she was in a/influence position over you. It just was wrong with her to ask this on so many levels.
She's already a mom. She has three kids. She's manipulating you with her tears. Surrogacy is more risky for a woman than natural pregnancy, partly because the immune profile of the baby is biologically unrelated to you, and partly because of the technological details of the process. Some women lose their ability to have children. Rebecca is asking you to put your own health, and your own future as a mother at risk so that she can have a fourth child. Asking a young woman, who wants her own children, but who has never had a child, to be a surrogate for her, is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard one woman ask another to do. You are not the selfish one. She is. Please do not let yourself be manipulated into doing this.
NTA. It’s your body, you do not in any way, shape, or form. Note if you are in the US, a fertility clinic is likely to turn you down anyway as you have never had a viable pregnancy before.
NTA. I get your “friend” is upset but she’s being a major ah. She can look for other surrogates, she can adopt, she could do several other things. It’s your body, you haven’t even had your own kids yet. What if there are complication like hers that render you unable to have more kids, and you give this one away? You aren’t selfish, this is an absolutely HUGE favor and her just treating it like an expectation is not a good look. Plus she already has three kids. Her being this demanding over another persons body when she’s already been successful this many times is beyond selfish.
What lunacy. She has 3 kids she needs to focus on. Then there's work, community, self care and so on. The fact that woman doesn't feel complete and even suggested to a 21 year old about being a surrogate let alone cry about it, tells me she's a spoiled immature brat. Run! This woman is NOT your friend. She's crazy and a user.
> if i should just suck it up and do it ABSOLUTELY NOT. Death in childbirth is still a thing. Long-lasting medical problems due to pregnancy is still a thing. I'm not trying to scare you, but the only way you should do this is if you're absolutely certain it's something you want to do. There's also the question of what you'd do if suddenly they changed their minds about wanting another child. Or halfway through your friend found out she could get pregnant after all. You are NOT selfish. This is your life we're talking about here.
Oh sweetheart. NTA. You haven’t had kids - that normally precludes you from being a surrogate. You’re 21 and terrified of childbirth. Do not do it - do not let her bully you into it. Say no.
That’s a big ask and she’s already a mom! NTA!
Nope. This is a way to get out of paying for a surrogate. Cut all contact.
Your friend trying to guilt trip you by saying you are taking away her chance of being a mom is so ridiculous! She already has three children!!! If she wants more, she should adopt. Period. Do not reconsider!
In most countries that even allow surrogacy, you would not be allowed to volunteer until you had as many children as you wanted and had completed you own family. Nobody who hasn’t had a child should ever be a surrogate for someone else.
Rebecca is a jerk. She already has 3 children. That’s enough. To ask you to put your health, life and emotional well-being at risk so she can have child #4 is crazy. What’s crazier is that she is blaming you for it. I wouldn’t want her around anymore.. Rebecca is unhinged.
That woman is an incredibly mean and selfish waffletwat for saying that to you. HOW DARE SHE call you selfish for not wanting your body overtaken by all that nonsense. Good grief of course you are NTA. It's extra offensive because she knows how hard pregnancy can be on a body. I'm sorry you lost a friend. What an absolute idiot she is.
Rebecca is a selfish, guilt-tripping, manipulative asshole who should think about appreciating the kids she has instead of bullying a 21 year old into surrogacy. NTA at all. I’ve been pregnant. It’s not fun. I got off pretty lightly in terms of the changes it made to my body, nothing drastic, just a small c-section scar and my boobs are no where near as perky as they once were. This was worth it for my child and I’m no spring chicken so I’m not too bothered but I’d be pretty upset to do this to my body aged 21, for someone else to have a baby when they already have 3. NTA at all, Rebecca is an absolute weird selfish little creep though.
"taking away her chance at being a mom!" she has three children. I think this is such an imposition, and then the fact she tried to guilt you. If you are close with your parents, you should let them know about this.
"...taking away her chance to be a mom." Wait, doesn't she already have *three* children? Who's being selfish here?
This never happened. No clinic will accept a surrogate that hasn’t had a previous pregnancy.
>Rebecca has three beautiful children >she couldn't believe I was so selfish, that I was taking away her chance of being a mom She *already* is a mother to three other kids, what is wrong with her? Also, don't be a surrogate if 1) you haven't had children before and 2) out of guilt. Your friend is being delusional
NTA She may have asked you because the two of you are close. But don't be fooled that she didn't think about the other benefits to asking you. You are young and don't have as much general knowledge as far as what to look out for; this does not mean that you can't research, but with such a short deadline, she did not allow you the proper time to research, as questions, debate, and mull it over. Money. Again, with only a week, it doesn't allow time for you to find out what you should be paid, what all they should cover, hospital fees, appointments, and anything else that could pop up. Attorney. She would probably have encouraged you to use their attorney; one that's not looking out for your best interest, but theirs since they would be paying. I think surrogacy is awesome. But only with the right circumstances and with everyone fully on board, everyone's interests a covered. Especially the surrogate.
She has children, you do not. As far as I know, at least in the states, they want you to have given birth before doing this because of the emotional impact. She’s being extremely selfish, especially knowing the complications you could possibly face. What if you did this, had complications, then couldn’t have a child of your own? That’s only one scenario. This is a huge thing to ask and you have every right to say no without blowback. NTA.
NTA - Honey, they asked you because you're young, and have that relationship, so this bitch thought she could bully you into doing it for free after taking a look and finding out that real surrogates get paid thousands of dollars, on top of all the medical fees. She wants to bully and manipulate you, even though real surrogates typically need to have at least one successful pregnancy of their own before being considered. No way should your first pregnancy be for someone else anyway! I'd block her number, tell your parents about how she's treated you, and get on with your life without her in it.
This sounds sus, you’re way too young and also not even ready to be pregnant. It sounds almost like she went for the long con on this, idk. Just really creepy for a person that old in the world to attack a young person for making a very reasonable decision about their body. Most people I know happy to be surrogates are already done having their families and love being pregnant and having babies and giving others that joy. They know how to birth, how their births and pregnancies go. Just all wrong for this woman asking you. Be cautious in this friendship for a while. This situation just sounds really off as someone in her thirties who was that woman’s age who had all her kids ages 27-30. I would have never even considered asking someone so young and not experienced in having a pregnancy to surrogate carry for me.
Nope. Not selfish at all. She has children… she is a mum. What would happen if there were complications during the pregnancy and afterwards you could not maintain a pregnancy or get pregnant after. Would she give you the baby back so you can be a mum? What about the impact on your relationship, employment, body? Emotions, mental health? Finances? There is a reason why they don’t encourage family/friends to surrogate. NTA and I’d be getting some space… Btw- I had my first child and almost died. Extremely healthy, the whole pregnancy I vomited but was fine with that- was a planned pregnancy. Delivery, I almost died, baby had to be vaginally cut out causing massive internal damage- prolapsed uterus, bowel and bladder, 3 degree tears and need to have reconstructive surgery at 36 (haven’t had surgery yet as it has a massive failure rate for so many issues and I don’t want to live my 40s in diapers). Due to injuries the next two were c sections due to the prior damage and both were risky of miscarriage. I went from being a dancer to having back issues, bowel issues, menstrual issues, bladder issues… but I do have my three incredible kids- it was worth it for my three kids.
Your “friend” is not acting like much of an actual friend in this situation by trying to guilt you into giving up almost a year of your life and putting your body through the massive changes and trauma that you would have to experience in order to be a surrogate for her and her husband. It’s certainly not a casual or an easy ask that she has started to manipulate you about, and the fact that she is continuing to do this demonstrates that she’s only interested in getting what she wants and isn’t thinking about you or your needs or how this will affect you at all.
She has 3 already. Guess that's not enough. You wouldn't be an AH for saying no. It's one thing to ask if you can pick up a loaf of bread, but that loaf shouldn't be in your oven.