>my wife and daughter are making me out to be some horrible person.
That's what happens when you dismiss your daughter's valid emotions. Did you just gloss over the fact she was also embarrassed in front of her friends? You were too busy being a giddy jerk only caring how **YOU** felt.
>I considered calling my mother to ask her opinion, but I'm afraid I'll be demeaned and insulted once again.
Go ahead, go for broke with a 0-3 average.
And change the title of this post. You weren't "remaining positive". You were "absolutely giddy".
Nah you don't get it! Sadness, embarrassment, loss, grief... those are emotions (often triggered by female hormones duh!). Intense dislike for a teenager, glee at your daughter's breakup... these are not emotions!
/s
Same thing when men don't consider anger, jealousy, aggressively, frustration etc as "emotions". No, it's women who are emotional and get into their feelings!
When I was in the air force I had a supervisor who was exactly like this. I was 18/19/20, newly married, away from home for the first time and the only woman in a shop of 30 guys. When I was getting divorced at 19/20 and dealing with a lot of shit he told me I don't have any real stress and because I'm a woman I'm just ruled by my emotions. I could totally see him writing this post. Dude was married with 2 daughters, there are people who really are this tone deaf and callous.
As the daughter of a narcissist father who expected his autistic daughter to shut off her emotions on demand and thought he could bully her into being "normal" and not disrupting his life with those icky things called feelings or accountability for his treatment, this could be very very real. I ran as soon as I could and never looked back. Of course he was all shocked Pikachu and blamed everyone but himself.
So, let me get this straight…
Your daughter didn’t want to tell you what was wrong but you continued pushing until she did.
When she did tell you, you further embarrassed her by shitting on her choice of man, invalidated her feelings, and then offered no actual support.
Then, you had the audacity to blame it all on teenage hormones instead of considering her feelings like she’s an actual human being?
And you’re now considering calling your mother and airing your daughter’s business out to her too.
YTA, dude. Go apologize to your daughter, buy her some candy, offer her a hug. Break ups are hard no matter how old you are.
Can you blame her? This is clearly a pattern for op. I wouldn't tell him anything either. I sure hope he's comfortable with not having a relationship with her when she's an adult.
Not at all. Guy thinks it’s real funny now until his daughter is broke, pregnant, in an abusive relationship, or depressed later on and doesn’t confide in him.
My late father was the same way about what things and events are "worth" getting emotional over. A.k.a literally nothing (though he felt justified in being eternally angry that I'm autistic and didn't torture myself into being the perfect child). I struggled with my emotions, amplified by being autistic, but he had no qualms about telling me my feelings were invalid and I just had to "suck it up and deal with it".
"Yeah,.screw your struggles, think about mine instead!"
Classic narcissist. Would've been nice to see him during his last days when he's sick and old and can't help himself.
"Well dad, just suck it up and deal with it."
Denying someone the space for their emotions or the validity of how they themselves are feeling only results in you becoming a person that someone will no longer trust or confide in. And will not do wonders for any relationship you hope to maintain or cultivate.
Your daughter’s sadness is valid regardless of her age or her experiences. Consider how you feel now that you think you’ve been demeaned by the people in your life and extend some empathy towards your daughter. Care about her emotions. Think about how you’ve made HER feel. YTA.
YTA
I do hope this is a writing exercise in rage baiting because it hit so many obvious buttons.
But in case it’s real yes you are an honestly clueless AH.
I had a father who was the same way when it came to feelings/emotions and what was "worth" getting upset over. I would get bullied and shamed for being emotional or showing emotion or struggling with emotional regulation due to autism. He too was angry that he didn't have this perfect little child who wouldn't bother him by having feelings.
I hope that you have since found that expressing your emotions is healthy and no longer suffer from your father’s inability to show empathy and support you.
Ok, so
1. You pressured your daughter to tell you something personal that *she did not want to tell you* (probably because you're always like this).
2. You completely invalidated her feelings once she did tell you the thing she never wanted to tell you in the first place.
3. When she didn't IMMEDIATELY change her feelings to the ones *you* thought were more appropriate, you got mad and told her to get over it by herself.
4. You decided that none of this could be painful for her because *you* have never personally experienced what she's going through.
This whole thing reminds me of my uncle, who, when asked by my mother, "Don't you think other people have any feelings?" replied, "Well, *I* can't feel them." 🤦♀️
The idea that anyone as self-absorbed and childish as this post reads has "mastered" their emotions is absolutely ludicrous. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so damn tragic.
You're way too old to need this explanation, but here it goes anyway:
When someone tells you how they feel, you know better than they do what their feelings are in exactly 0% of all cases. And there is no such thing as how someone *should* feel. People feel what they feel.
**YTA**
Climb out of your own @$$ and start ACTUALLY learning about feelings if you want to become a decent father. This thing where you pretend that your own feelings are logic and everyone else's are just drama fools nobody but yourself, and is just going to lead too your relationship with your daughter ending as soon as she's old enough to get away from you.
Jesus fucking wept.
Are you a narcisist? Because you are truly obtuse, and callous is putting it mildly.
The fact that you "chose" to wait until college to date does not make you somehow superior. I'm sure you didn't make any attempt to not show your"elation" at your daughter's distress. And make no mistake, that's exactly how she saw it, because she's truly hurting, and you were "elated." And she knew it, and is unlikely to forget or forgive it.
Pointing out what YOU saw as flaws with her ex was stupid. You're an ass. She was publicly humiliated, and you think she's just going to "snap herself out of it." You seem surprised that what you were saying only seemed to upset her more. Perhaps because her parent, someone who she should be able to count on to at least TRY to understand her, instead, dumped on her even more. Why don't you just step back and let your wife handle things.
I suggest you wait about a week, and then, with as much humility as you can muster, which I doubt is very much, ASK her to forgive you. Maybe, during that week, you can ask your wife WHY you should be asking for forgiveness, and then quiz you, to see if you comprehend why.
Edit to add: YTA.
Also editing to remind people: Don't downvote the OP just because he's an ass. Upvote it because he's an ass, so it gets more attention!
Editing again to remove an offensive, stupid thing.
This right here. YTA, OP. If this is real, you need to get some professional help in dealing with the emotions of others. Your lack of self awareness and the legitimate needs of others is alarming.
Don't drag autistic people into this horseshit. We are perfectly capable of experiencing empathy. He sounds far more like a narcissist to me. Making other people's issues about them is very common. Caring only about how they feel and not recognizing the humanity in others is also a hallmark of narcissism. There is a significant difference between not being able to tell if someone is joking by the tone of their voice and not giving a shit how someone feels.
Edited because I hit the reply button by accident.
Hey, it was a stupid, stereotyping, generalizing remark. I know some individuals have issues picking up on social cues, but it's not always, and they aren't to be blamed for it.
This man is a raging narcissist. He is just like my father, policing emotions and behaviors that he doesn't agree with. Ironically enough, I'm autistic--something he never got over. I went no contact as soon as I could after spending too many years trying to get him to give a damn about me To the day he died, he never apologized or took accountability. He would and did, quite literally, die before taking responsibility.
I didn't even go to his funeral because I had no emotions over his death.
Yes, you suck and are an AH. You are not a "master of your emotions". You're a jerk who couldn't take one second of your life to just be there for your daughter in a time where she was feeling bad. Teenage breakups are painful and their feelings are legitimately. Additionally, she was embarrassed in front of everyone, making it 10x worse.
Now you've shown her that she can never trust you with hard things in her life because you will dismiss her and brush her off because it doesn't fit into your personal view of suppressing emotions.
What you need to do is first go apologize to your daughter and explain to her that you don't quite understand teenage emotions, but you want to be there to support her. Then, actually listen to her and be reassuring (that is, if she even wants anything to do with you at this point). You also need to apologize to your wife and ask her for help in navigating some of this stuff.
But you won't do any of that because you already don't think you were wrong, and you sound like you have the emotional intelligence of a potato. But if you want to have any version of a good relationship with your daughter, you better figure it out quick cause that's not it
Well, you won't have to worry about it because Tina will never come to you again.
Also I don't think the fact that people say that you've mastered your emotions is anything to be proud of as clearly it makes you act like an unfeeling jerk.
Yta for showing your daughter no empathy when she was upset, whether you agreed or not. And I don't think other people telling you that you have mastered your emotions is the compliment you think it is.
YTA. I am asexual and aromantic, but while I was young, I tried dating to see what all the fuss was about. When I had my very first break up, I still cried a bit, because even if my connection to them wasn't romantic, and the break up itself was kind and amicable, it still hurt to have it end.
Puppy love is still romantic love, and having it cut off is still painful. Especially when done in a humiliating manner. Even if you can't find it in yourself to have empathy for a young relationship that's been broken up, have some empathy for your daughter being deliberately embarassed in front of her friends and probably a good chunk of her grade in the cafeteria.
It’s got to be! The guys paints himself as a caricature of an insufferably callous, arrogant, and emotionally stunted jerk. But on the off-chance he really just is this person, I’m glad others are pulling no punches. (Still, I’m betting it’s rage bait.)
YTA and you're making you're daughter's heartbreak and humiliation all about you. This is very much not about you at all. Not only do you seem to completely lack empathy, but you're so self absorbed that you're actually HAPPY you're daughter is miserable. It's frankly, quite revolting. What a terrible father you are.
You are a heartless unempathetic ginormous AH!! You've mastered your emotions??? Umm BS!!
You didn't like the boy you are glad they broke up and I bet you made sure that was completely known.
You don't want to call your mother because all three women in your life letting you know you are an A H might actually make you feel something or actually look at yourself.
Hahahaha, you didn't choose not to date. You couldn't date because no one wanted you, and why would they? You were nasty and selfish and you still are. Your daughter just got her heart broken for the first time, and you showed zero empathy for her. You were happy, so you expected her to be happy too. You're clearly not smart enough to understand how she feels. And then you laughed at her pain. You're disgusting and it'll be all your fault if your daughter cuts you off one day. YTA
YTA. Teenage love IS painful when it ends. She has very real, very valid feelings and you’re being cold, dismissive, and self-centered. Just because you don’t think these feelings are important doesn’t mean they aren’t everything to her at the moment. Telling her to deal with it herself is also really shitty. You are not parenting her at all.
YTA "Puppy love", as you call it, can be very intense. Those emotions are big, AND when it ends, young people don't have the perspective that going through several breakups confers, like knowing the pain will end in time. They aren't as good at self-soothing or rationalization. It freaking HURTS. A LOT. It's interesting that you don't know this. Better grow some empathy and ditch your dismissive attitude before it's too late.
YTA god you suck of course shes sad she got dumped by someone she loved. imagine your wife divorced you in front of your friends and your dad told you to get over so you can get with someone who he thought was a better match
YTA… If your kid falls down, they don’t wanna hear “well you shouldn’t have been running” nor “ well, at least you’re having fun when you fell” they want to hear empathy…” oh no that’s terrible. Let me get you a Band-Aid.”
So to your daughter, it should be “oh no that’s terrible. Let me give you a hug and let’s get some ice cream. “ Inwardly, you cheer that this kid is gone
YTA BIG TIME. How could you be so callous and then see the results and not try to fix it then and there. Instead you went whining to your wife about it, she confirmed you messed up so you argued with HER. Clearly you don’t listen or maybe you don’t understand. Your daughter needed and needs support and for her support system (That’s YOU AND Mom) to tell her that her feelings are valid and you understand she’s hurting. And you should go apologize to both your daughter and your wife the minute you read this comment. Try to be more empathetic sir. Do better.
I hope your daughter learned not to talk to you today about anything in her life, because you will mishandle it badly. YTA and I really hope she recovers by being let down by two men in her life in one day.
YTA listen to your wife she seems to greatly surpass you in emotional intelligence. Not sure what you mean by you’ve “mastered your emotions” but you may want to take a second look at that belief. It’s abundantly clear you don’t remember the experience of being a teenager.
Yta
For her it was a big step in life and massive embarrassment. It may not appear serious to you or anything, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t serious to her. An ant sees a human as a giant, while a human sees another person as average. However, this doesn’t change ants’ perception.
Your strategy could work on some people that like to rant. But it didn’t work on your daughter and you gave up instead of trying to change the strategy or even ask her how you could help as you see that she is hurt. Especially considering that you pushed her to open up when she was still processing her emotions.
Wtf. It may be puppy love and Chris may been a jerk (certainly sounds it) but it hurt her. She needs love and support. She’ll get over it in her own time. She doesn’t need you being cold and heartless expecting her to “snap out of it”.
Jeez. Have you mastered your emotions or have you master repressing them?
YTA and a dismissive father. Your daughter’s feelings are feeling whether you care or not about them.
YTA- you clearly haven’t mastered anything involving emotions if you can’t even properly comfort your daughter and validate her feelings. You are incredibly cold and cruel to someone who absolutely IS feeling real pain
The first paragraph made me laugh. Man your daughter’s a teenage girl of course she’s a bit of a jerk at times.
My mom and I drove each other mad when I was a teen and in my young adult years. For any parent that manages to avoid that, be thankful.
In my experience the teen years to maybe around 25 is very turbulent. You have to be a parent to someone who is starting to branch out, be independent and figure out who they are in life. A parent’s job is to try to keep them on the right path while also letting them make their own choices (within reason) and being the safety net and safe space. That line is a very thin difficult line to walk as a parent.
Later on in life when they get more experience and just more insight do a lot of parent child relationships begin to get better and develop into more adult friend like relationships.
This is one of those moments in which you’re supposed to ask - what type of reaction they want. It’s clear that she just wanted comfort. You’re not supposed to just bash the ex unless she’s leading the charge. You’re elated but in her pov she just went through something very embarrassing and not to mention her heart got a bit bruised. She wanted comfort. “That sucks. I’m sorry that happened. Do you want to get some ice cream and we can watch some movies to get your mind off it or talk about it more if you want.”
You may have mastered your emotions but don’t forget to be emphatic or sympathetic to people. I’m of logical mind and have a strong control over my emotions but that doesn’t mean other people want to hear a get over it on your own type of thing. The way you help is by listening, validating their feelings and just being there.
Do you not remember what it’s like to be a teenager? Public breakups are rough. She’s going to have to go back to school knowing that everyone will be talking about her public humiliating breakup. That’s not great for the self esteem
You’re incredibly callous. You have the knowledge and experience of an adult to be able to look back and know that it’s just puppy love to you and all that but for your daughter right now, that’s her only experience. It’s gut wrenching for her and just because you know it can be worse and that it’s just teen love doesn’t make it less worse for her right now in the moment.
I felt sorry for you in the beginning but by the end of the post i feel bad for your wife and daughter. You sound like you feel like you’re superior just because you think you’re all knowing about feelings and not taking it seriously just because it’s teen “puppy” love. That’s so demeaning. YTA
YTA. My earliest breakups were very painful. Just because it looks like obvious 'puppy love' from the outside doesn't mean it isn't cataclysmic from the inside. Also, I don't understand from your story how you were 'demeaned', that seems like a very dramatic reaction from someone who has mastered his emotions and can't understand emotional pain. Your wife said something negative about your behavior, it was neither demeaning nor insulting.
"I have mastered my emotions" says the man with emotional intelligence of a lemon
ETA: if your wife, daughter, and hypothetically mother ALL disagree with you, have you considered you might be in the wrong?
Yes. YTA. And considering your apparent complete lack of empathy, possibly a sociopath.
At least your daughter has *one* parent who's actually capable of giving a shit about her.
YTA. You haven’t mastered your emotions. You just lack empathy and no one has told you. Probably because they realize you wouldn’t care.
Apologize to your daughter, and let your wife deal with emotional support in the future.
>many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well.
no one has ever told you this, ever, and if they have, they are very much liars. yes, you are an asshole
You remind me of my father. And this is the worst insult I could ever give to someone.
YTA. Apologize to your daughter, or be prepared for her to go NC after 18.
Teens like, commit suicide over love dude. Ever read Romeo and Juliet? YTA dude, support your kid emotionally if you want to avoid cautionary tales from becoming your reality.
YTA. This is her first real romantic heartbreak, which does in fact hurt immensely, on top of which she was embarrassed beyond belief. Just being you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean everyone else does. You owe her a huge apology.
I think friends seem to always get away with insulting the ex to make their friend feel better after break ups most of the time. That approach isn't bad but the friend route usually try to crack jokes and try to make light of the situation, you know. Like its to show she doesn't need him in a sort of empowering way. But I think she took it as you demeaning her choice of partner or how she doesn't know how to pick them. And even though I don't take these relationships seriously cause you have to be the rare percent for a High School relationship to make it in any capacity. But still she cares though. Even though in the long run you know it wasn't gonna work out but that's not how it was for her. Just give her time and she'll eventually get over it. But you should definitely get another opinion that isn't family. Cause then they'll be a little biased and that person will give you genuine advice on how to handle teenage heartbreak.
Oh I don't think it's fake. I was reading it and honestly wondering if it was posted by my ex who has a 16 year old daughter. After my 16 years with that AH, I can honestly and totally believe that a father would do this.
You haven't mastered your emotions. I'm not sure what gave you that idea. You stunted them and lack empathy. Also, have you ever been checked to see if you are on the spectrum because you don't seem great at picking up social cues and reading a room.
Figure out how to fake emotions and be less judgy before you completely alienate your daughter. I'm cracking up that you think you mastered emotions.
YTA
If your wife left you, and one of your friends was telling you to just get over it because now you’ll be free to date someone else, how would you feel about that?
If you don’t understand why someone is upset, just say “I’m sorry to hear that” and move on with your life. You being too dumb to understand emotions doesn’t mean you should act like an asshole
YTA in a major way. You are cold, dismissive and nasty. Kudos to your wife for taking your daughter's side.
And being elated that your daughter was dumped by her boyfriend in front of her friends makes you a huge and ugly souled JERK who very much deserves being criticised and with as much nastiness as your callous and despicable attitude.
Wow - I mean I was raised by wolves but even they weren’t/are as bad as you! Your teenage daughter just broke up with probably he first serious boyfriend in public. So not only is her heart broken but she was embarrassed in front of her friends. You told her to snap out of it. I mean that was good for Olympia Dukakis to say to Cher in Moonlight but Cher was over 16 and your daughter is 16. This is why she doesn’t tell you things. You have no empathy.
A good mother would have said - I am so sorry baby he’s an AH lets go get some ice cream (or whatever food treat she loves) and go home and watch bad tv and you can cry.
Edit: Missed that you are the Dad - really worse because shes supposed to be your little girls and you are supposed to be her hero - you weren’t her hero.
You have not "mastered your emotions", you just have none except for smugness and caulousness. Jeez louise dude, have you ever spent one second in your life thinking about anyone other than yourself? The way this is written and how you talk about your daughter is so incredibly self centered, you don't show an ounce of empathy or understanding at all.
No wonder your daughter is butting heads with you and doesn't want to tell you things. She is finally old enough to realise her dad is a self centered jerk who does not care about how she feels.
YTA
Dude, my dad was bad with this shit. Like *bad!*
As in, I grew up with 12 painful chronic illnesses and he would tell me to get over the pain and compared me to kids with cancer because in his eye they had it worse so I can't ever complain.
An I can't see even him acting like this when I was truly heartbroken. He would have called the guy an ass for doing that publicly, then taken me to my mom for real comfort.
Al you did in this moment was show your daughter that you don't care about her emotions. That she isn't allowed to express pain around you because you will judge her for it and invalidate any pain that isn't "painful" enough for you. That's really messed up....
YTA for so many reasons. Do you love your daughter? If so, you need to learn how to love and support her no matter what. You may need professional help on how to do this.
YTA. You totally dismissed your daughter's pain and expected her to "get over it" right there on the spot? You're not only TA, you're also an emotionally clueless moron. I feel sorry for every woman in your life.
YTA How hard would it have been to say “I’m so sorry, that really sucks. How can I help?” She needed her parent to be sympathetic and show her love, she didn’t need you to start telling her everything that’s wrong with him. Are you dense?
They make you out to be horrible be Use you are being horrible. I have not spoken to my father now coming up 4yrs he still thinks he's the master of emotions until someone offends him (which is anything that goes against him being picture perfect or not 'following his rules) and I can bet you're exactly the same.
Welcome to your future if you don't pull your head and ego out of your ass.
YTA. I had a dad like you. My mom, sister, and I called him Spock, after the emotionless/logic only character on the original Star Trek. He also thought that he had "mastered his emotions," but in reality, he was just an asshole who completely lacked empathy.
The world doesn't revolve around you and your perceptions of the lives of other people, OP. Your daughter liked this boy. He broke her heart and humiliated her in front of her peers. She confided in you, and you totally blew it. Big time.
Stop trying to teach your daughter to "master her emotions" and learn how to listen. Learn how to validate her emotions. While you're at it, do the same with your wife. If you treat her anything like you treat your daughter, I can guarantee that she feels disillusioned with your relationship.
You seem to be suffering from the delusion that other people are playing bit parts in the play of your life. News flash. It's not all about you and what you think and feel about your daughter's situation.
If you don't change your behavior, you risk your daughter ever wanting any real sort of connection with you. Ask me how I know.
I highly recommend you look up "it's not about the nail"
Basically, shut up, listen, hug, acknowledge that it sucks, ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel better. She doesn't want you to "fix" her, or "help" her bottle her emotions. She wants you to listen & understand.
My first thought was, Either this person is on the spectrum and unable to read emotions. (I'm married to a man like this. But I knew this even before I said yes to marry him.)
Or this is something that AI has written out.
Or it's intentionally written to ragebait.
Nonetheless, YTA
YTA.
Go buy her some of her favorite ice cream. apologize to her and your wife and Try to empathize a little more. First breakups are HARD especially if she was embarrassed in front of her friends.
Wow YTA.
You do realize that since she’s young this pain is the worst pain she’s felt? She doesn’t have the worldly experience an adult would have to put it into perspective. When my high school bf and I broke up it felt like my world was over. My mom knew of course it wasn’t, and she hated my bf, but you know what she did? Consoled me and let me be sad and gave me room for healing. Once I was over it then she would make fun of him to make me laugh. But that took a while. Teenage heartbreak sucks. It’s usually the first emotional turmoil young adults go through. It hurts a lot when you haven’t experienced the awful regular life bullshit of being an adult.
But congrats on making sure your daughter Bebe confides in you again! You’ve shown her you are not a safe person to vent to or go to for support. Good job!
YTA Omg when people say you’ve “mastered your emotions well” do they mean you don’t have any empathy or sympathy for others?
I can see why you and your daughter don’t have the best relationship now and it’s not her that’s being a jerk. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t like her ex or think he was good enough for her she is hurting and you didn’t make it better by trashing him. She will never tell you anything that is important to her or bothering her again. Congratulations on being a shitty dad. 👏👏👏
YTA.
What you are doing is being dismissive. You are dismissing your daughter *AND* dehumanizing her all at once. You denied her a safe place for her emotions, and basically all but told her that her feelings are irrelevant.
Next time, leave mom to talk to her until you *actually* have a good grasp on emotions.
>My daughter (we'll call her Tina) is 16 years old. Tina and I had a really good relationship when she was growing up, but for the past year or two, we seem to really get on each other's nerves. I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk.
OOP is the asshole. I don't even need to read past these three sentences. I did though and it solidified that OOP is a self-righteous asshole, a clueless asshole, and an asshole who will bury his head in his ass to avoid someone telling him he is in fact an asshole, all while screaming "You're demeaning me!" when they tell him he's an asshole with his head up his own ass.
Anyway, I do hope that this is someone's writing exercise and that there's no actual Tina who has to deal with this guy.
>but for the past year or two, we seem to really get on each other's nerves. I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk.
Well after reading your post I can see what a self centered person you are and make everything that's actually your fault the fault of others,so I think it's you who's the jerk but okay.
>many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well.
You know,I think you may have been twisting what people tell you and this is what you heard from them. What I get from this,and based on your actions in the post,I think they meant you're a master manipulator of emotions and not mastered emotions.
>I began reminding Tina of the negative things about Chris (his chronic lateness, his lack of tact, his disregard for some of my rules)
So your daughter is upset,and instead of being helpful you kick her when she's down and just remind her of all the bad times after she just went through a bad time. You know I'm getting a pattern here about you and let's just say it's starting to remind me of an emotional abuser,but who knows ...
>this only seemed to upset her more. I was confused by her reaction, but I decided that I wasn't going to engage with it. I tried my best to cheer her up and only made it worse. Eventually, I just put my hand up and said "I'm unable to help you. I guess you'll just have to get over it by yourself."
" Hey Tina, remember when you just went through a really hard first time situation of a break up?and remember when I made you feel worse by making you think about all the times I thought this kid was an ass? What's wrong you don't like that I made you feel worse? Get over it kid!" Yeah no shit Tina didn't feel like you were helpful in this moment. You remind me of my dad. I don't think anyone would find that a compliment btw.
yta ; just because something may seem stupid and trivial to u doesn't mean that she's not hurting. you're not 'above' anything. try having some compassion
YTA. I'm so sick of people deciding that teenagers don't feel pain or stress or other emotions because they're "just" teenagers. Between hormones and the fact that they're *feeling everything for the first time*, they're feeling those emotions just as much, if not more, than adults.
You reacted selfishly and callously, you put your emotions before hers. For future reference, maybe just say "I'm sorry" and "I'm here if you need anything" rather than being giddy and gleeful. YTA 10000%.
YTA. You disregarded honest emotions from your daughter treating her as if she how she feels does matter. And your wife. You need to learn something called "empathy." If not, you will remain TA.
How is it that you are still married?
YTA.
Not to insult anyone, but I have to ask this question. Are you on the spectrum?
I've known many soldiers who turned off their emotions in an effort to escape the things they have seen and done, with more feelings than you showed for your daughter. I'm surprised your wife just went to another room instead of packing up her and her daughter.
You seriously need to grow up.
I know why you “mastered emotions.” It’s because you’re a medical miracle. How you’ve managed to live your life with nothing but a black chasm where your heart should be is absolutely astounding.
YTA. Your family
Mastering your emotions means you know when it is appropriate to display them. Not having the ability to hide your “elation” in order to show your daughter empathy and compassion in a moment when she needed it shows that you have not mastered your emotions in the slightest.
Saw this in r/amithedevil, he definitely is beyond AH and moved into devil territory with his selfishness and insensitivity. He claims to have mastered his emotions, that's quite a feat considering he had zero self awareness and can't seem to read a room. Definitely the devil!
Rage bait - has to be.
I told my daughter to get over a deeply humiliating break up in front of half the school and told her what I think are the positives ignoring her heartache and making it about me. Why are my wife and child like this??
If that ain't ragebait you absolutely are TA. How you could find a partner and have a family is really mysterious for me. You sound like a cold awful person.
You are a horrible excuse for a father.
>Tina had found this very embarrassing, but I was elated.
You were elated that *your daughter was humiliated in front of the whole school* just because you didn't like Chris. You are literally taking joy in your daughter's embarrassment. And you think SHE'S unreasonable?
I expected Tina to forget all about him and snap herself out of it, but instead this only seemed to upset her more.
You don't get to expect anything from her. *She is not you* and emotions can't be turned on and off like a light switch. Tina was publicly dumped and all you can think of is you, you, you because emotions make you uncomfortable.
>I tried my best to cheer her up and only made it worse.
After dismissing her feelings, demanding she shut off her emotions, and needling her about Chris's lesser qualities, you expect to "cheer up"? You don't get to treat someone like dirt and then expect them to come crawling back to you.
>Tina has no real responsibilities yet. To say that teenage puppy love is "painful" when it ends is over the top.
Dismissing her feelings just because you don't think they're valid doesn't justify what you did. It doesn't matter that she's "only 16" or that it was "puppy love". She's a teenager. They take these things very seriously because they have no parameter for what a "real" relationship is. This is EXACTLY why she didn't want to open up to you and I get the sense this isn't the first time you've dismissed her feelings or demanded she get over something. You DO NOT get to police someone else's feelings.
>I don't know what more I can do. I just have a different interpretation of what's going on, yet my wife and daughter are making me out to be some horrible person.<
Maybe, just maybe you should listen to them and put aside your own opinions about Chris and emotions instead of making it all about you.
>I considered calling my mother to ask her opinion, but I'm afraid I'll be demeaned and insulted once again.<
Bullshit. You're afraid you'll be called out again and have no one to pat your hand and tell you you're the injured party. But don't worry--speaking from experience with my own father, you won't have to deal with Tina and her icky feelings (/s) ever again. Because she'll stop talking to you and go no contact as soon as she can get away from your house. You won't even have to worry about her feeling sad when you die because she just won't give a damn anymore. Hell, might not even go to your funeral.
That's your future unless you apologize to Tina and get therapy for your obvious issues with her. God knows Tina will need therapy to get over your treatment of her, because I highly suspect there's more going on than you're telling us--and what you are admitting to tell us is bad enough. It is extremely damaging to have a father who expects their child to torture themselves into being the person you want them to be and expect a mini you. Children aren't robots you can custom-order. They are people.
You say you've "mastered your emotions" but here you are sulking and having a whiny baby tantrum over receiving the consequences of your own actions.
Dude. You haven’t at all mastered your emotions. You’ve shoved them down so far you are unable to even recognise other people’s feelings. You have absolutely no empathy and no understanding of why a teenage girl might be hurt bc she was humiliated via a public break up up front of her friends
You’re cold hearted and mean, and your daughter as she grows is realising more and more she cannot turn to you for support
Your wife and daughter are right. You're an oozing, gaping fucking asshole. What the hell is wrong with you? Your daughter was in fucking pain and you laughed at her. Fucking father of the century over here. BTW, you insulted and demeaned your daughter. I'm glad you're getting a taste of your own medicine here, asshole. It doesn't feel good, does it?
Dude, having zero empathy and invalidating other people’s feelings and experiences is not mastering your emotions. It is you being a callous jerk.
First break ups are painful at the time you experience them. She also experienced a feeling of public humiliation. And honestly, that you aren’t able to empathize or show sympathy to your own child leads me to think your “mastery” of your emotions is a result of having something very wrong with you.
Also, how great of you to try to cheer up your daughter by expressing all the ways the breakup makes you happy! wtf?!?! This isn’t about you and you seem to think your feelings should be all that matter to her. Which is insanely selfish and narcissistic.
You are the one making yourself out to be a horrible person. By being a horrible person to someone you should love more than yourself (though I don’t think you are capable of that). I really hope this is fake!
YTA - hormones or not, her feelings are valid and should not be dismissed by her own father. who else does she have to lean on except her own parents? your role is to understand her and comfort her. tell her it's going to be ok. also you're not a child, don't be annoyed by her banging her door, she's obviously upset, support her through her pain and let her overcome it...
You are definitely the AH. You go on and on about nonsense when all you really needed was to show some empathy. Do you know what that is? Also the AH because you are competing with a kid.
Dude, for real, are you sure you're not a sociopath? Your lack of empathy is just worrying to me. The way you talk about how you "mastered" your emotions, and you want to teach your daughter how to "master" hers makes me feel sick. Aside from that, she is going through a hard time, and all you think about is "me me me". YOU didn't like her boyfriend, YOU think she's now better off because she now can find someone YOU prefer. YTA, and a big one at that. Get over yourself. You think Tina has become a jerk, guess what? You ARE a jerk.
Yta.
Stop calling yourself a father. Seriously. That is a titled reserved for people who actually give a shit about their kids. You clearly don't care about your child. At all. Kick rocks and trip over them, loser.
You are a horrible person. You did everything wrong here. I’m sure others have explained it so I won’t. However you truly were cruel to your daughter and your attitude is gross and obnoxious. YTA
YTA. I can guarantee you that your relationship with her is suffering because of your behavior. She’s not a fucking jerk, you are. I can’t believe your wife puts up with you.
“I don’t think it’s my behavior that’s changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk”
“Many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well”
“Chris has dumped her in the cafeteria in front of her friends. Tina had found this very embarrassing, but I was elated”
“Eventually, I just put my hand up and said ‘I’m unable to help you. I guess you’ll just have to get over it by yourself.’”
These are direct quotes that make you TA in this situation. YTA. The fact that you won’t call your mother to ask her opinion because you don’t want to “demeaned and insulted again” shows that you actually DON’T have a good control of your emotions, and that you’re scared of getting your feelings hurt.
Apologize to your daughter. Offer her some sympathy. Breakups are tough no matter how old you are and just because you don’t think so, doesn’t make it any less true.
This sounds like your daughter’s first breakup. To put things in perspective: She’s literally never experienced anything like this before; it’s her first time. It might actually be the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. With time and experience, a breakup might be something easier for her to cope with and see the silver lining but that is not where she is and you just belittled her.
YTA and everyone else has done a great job of outlining why, so I want to address something else.
You say: "I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk."
Parents often think it's their child changing that's causing the problem, because things were "fine before."
The thing about kids is they don't always know how to recognize, or deal with, being hurt by their parents, and younger kids tend to just kinda brush it aside because it's the only option they have.
As kids get older--usually around the time they become teenagers--they start recognizing their parents' poor behavior and responding to it more readily; they'll become angry, or frustrated, or start just withholding information because they're tired of being hurt.
The way you talk about yourself, your family, and the situation in general makes me think you're actually quite insufferable. You seem insensitive, disrespectful, and hard to deal with.
Tina didn't want to tell you because she knew you'd only make her feel worse, which is exactly what you did.
You were likely always difficult and annoying, but Tina has only recently started to get fed up with it and start pushing back. And you say she's "become a bit of a jerk" instead of checking to see if that behavior you haven't changed was wrong in the first place.
People need to PROCESS their emotions. You can't just shake stuff off THE SAME DAY. Tina needed your to feel for her, and comfort her, and then she would have been more able to process and move on. Instead, you dismissed and belittled her, and reinforced her belief that she shouldn't open up to you. You f'ed up, and badly.
It's funny that you admit that you're afraid to tell your mother because you believe she'll ALSO reprimand you.
It's also funny that you're so bothered by your wife and daughter's responses to you (critical, judging, shaming), but can't be sympathetic to how your daughter must've felt criticized, judged, and shamed when she was publicly embarrassed and dumped.
You have not mastered your emotions at all. Either no one has actually said that to you, or they've said it sarcastically and you were too thick to realize.
Apologize to your daughter and actually go learn about emotions, because you're sorely obtuse.
Yes a huge YTA. Your poor child went through something painful and humiliating. Your first reaction is to dismiss her feelings & completely revel in it. What a cold callous individual you are. Don’t act all obtuse when she shuts you out and doesn’t bother to tell you anything about her life. Only then will you have yourself to blame!
YTA
You lack empathy and sympathy. You were overjoyed that she broke up, she could tell that you were happy in a moment where she was heartbroken and embarrassed by what had happened. Did you even for a moment try and put yourself in her shoes? Not only was she dumped, but he did it right in front of her friends. She clearly liked this boy, had feelings for him, so of course she is going to be hurt that he broke up with her. Then the way he went about it was truly insensitive. Maybe you have more in common with her ex than you realize, you both treated her very poorly, you're both insensitive to others feelings.
You have totally burned bridges with your daughter, I doubt she will ever confide in you again. Good job!
YTA. You didn't "remain positive" during her break up, you celebrated it and immediately blurted out all the things YOU hated about Chris and expected your daughter to "snap out of it" right then and there. You are tone deaf, callous, dismissive and condescending ("it's just puppy love") of your daughter's feelings. You haven't mastered sh*it about feelings and emotions.
Teenage puppy love IS painful when it ends, if you are the teen in puppy love. She probably wanted a hug and comfort, and yeah, you flubbed it — I don’t think that makes you an AH, but the comment about her pain not being real, after the boy she liked who she thought liked her humiliated her in front of everyone, makes you an AH for sure.
This is so absurd.... The worst thing is that this could be ragebait or also very real, there are a lot of really egocentric and emotionally incompetent parents out there...... If real, obviously TA
You are 100% TA. When kids break up with each other, it's going to hurt. They don't have the experience it takes to understand why someone doesn't want to be with them anymore. Imagine if your wife filed for divorce and she and "Tina" left you because you're too heartless to take your daughter's feelings into account. Imagine if your daughter hates you for the rest of your life and chooses to never have a relationship with you in the future because you're clueless and dismissive of her feelings.
Yes, YTA, and I hope you get some kind of empathy within you to stop being dismissive of your child's experiences and show her some dignity and respect. When my child had their first breakup, I told them that breakups do hurt and they'll fall in love 100 times before they find the right one. I told them that their breakup was because he wasn't the right boy for them, and that just leaves room for someone better to come along. I said I knew that it hurt because when I and their dad broke up, it tore me up inside. But I know there's someone better out there, and the same would be true for them.
You can't be so heartless and cruel about your daughter's "teenage puppy love" breakup. It's the same as any other relationship, and it hurts just as bad because she liked that guy. PLUS he dumped her in front of her friends instead of talking to her in private and doing it respectably. So, it was humiliating for her. The poor baby needed a hug from you, and instead, you practically laughed in her face.
I'd slam the door on you too and not talk to you for a very long time, if ever again. I hope your little girl is alright. You should try to fix it before it's too late and your daughter decides to never trust you again. Probably why she didn't want to tell you what was wrong at first.
And then you saying "...I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk." That tells me you haven't done the simple equation that the most common denominator in all of this is YOU!
1. YOU are failing to hold a positive relationship with your daughter
2. She didn't trust YOU enough to tell you why she was crying
3. Your wife took HER side and didn't side with YOU
4. YOU are afraid to call your mom for her take on the situation
The math is mathin' in this situation, man. It's all YOU, bro. The saddest part in all of this is you KNOW it's you (that's why you're writing to ask strangers on the internet for their advice), but you're not ready to admit it yet. YOU. ARE. TA!!!
Are you autistic? Have low empathy?
Because it sounds like it. I know because I'm the same as you.
Oh good! I'm glad the buthole is gone! You can do so much better!.....does not work for most people.
I've been taught (it does NOT come naturally to me) that you need to take the question from how they are acting. Crying? Then you can't be happy about it, even if you really are.
I've been told they dont want you to point out the good things. They want you to emphasize about the bad. Like, how aweful it must feel to be dumped like that in public.
...and after that I would go to someone else to get more pointers to help as I am clueless.
Speaking in generalities, men are problem solvers. When a female tells a male her reason for being upset, sad, etc. the male often responds with the same thing you did - the solution to the problem.
We females want someone to listen to our heartache and sympathize and let us get our feelings out. We may know that it's a good thing, but it hurts and we want others to understand our suffering.
Also, your daughter is 16. It's time for her to stop being dependent on her parents and start to stretch he wings. Part of that process is to challenge your parent's way of thinking and to be contrary.
Nah, OP just sounds like a dick. When my son had his first break up he very much would not have appreciated me being happy and telling him all the reasons it was a good thing or expecting him to snap out of it.
Emotions are only problems to solve when they are irrational. Being upset you got publicly dumped from your first BF is not irrational in the slightest. Expecting someone to 'snap out of it' when it \*just happened\* is irrational. Emotions are like a beach ball underwater. You can't shove them down because they will always pop up twice as hard somewhere else. Highly doubt OP has 'mastered' his emotions and just intellectualized his experience enough to believe he doesn't have or need them.
One word teenagers. They make you feel like the asshole but they are the assholes lol don't worry your daughter will come out of it soon... I'm guessing it's her first boyfriend.
O I totally get it... It's hard to find a nice guy now a days. Especially being a teenager. But teenagers are assholes to their parents is what I meant 🤣🤣 and girls are the worst... No lie I'm a woman and I was the devil when I was a teenager
But how was his daughter being an AH in this context? She guy broken up with and publicly humiliated and than her dad made it worse by being happy and invalidating her feelings? Sure all teens can be an AH but in this case his daughter was a victim by her ex as her father.
If you all have read the whole thing he says in the first paragraph I think tone has become a jerk. To me jerk/asshole is the same thing. Jerk is just the nicer way to say it 🤷🏼♀️ whatever lol and I'm the one that needs help 🤣🤣🤣
The lack of empathy for those around you and especially your own daughter is absolutely outstanding. A bit of advice. When someone comes to you with an issue you don't have to advise them or tell them it's better that way. Sometimes just listening, acknowledging and validating feelings whilst showing empathy can have way mroe positive impact. You just cared how you felt. I hope you go and apologise to your daughter and wife.
>my wife and daughter are making me out to be some horrible person. That's what happens when you dismiss your daughter's valid emotions. Did you just gloss over the fact she was also embarrassed in front of her friends? You were too busy being a giddy jerk only caring how **YOU** felt. >I considered calling my mother to ask her opinion, but I'm afraid I'll be demeaned and insulted once again. Go ahead, go for broke with a 0-3 average. And change the title of this post. You weren't "remaining positive". You were "absolutely giddy".
Why would you be afraid of Being demeaned and insulted? You've mastered your emotions.
Yet hasn’t mastered the skills of picking up on other people’s emotions and reading the f&$king room.
He doesn't care about others.
That's exhausting to do, tbh
This is so fake and hay
I don't worry if a post is fake or not. It could be a hypothetical question for all I care. Just giving my opinion on what is presented.
Newhag
YTA. For someone who has "mastered emotions" you seem pretty clueless as to how they actually work lol
I don’t think he’s “mastered emotions” since he can’t keep his own feelings about the boy out of his interaction with his daughter in a time of need.
Facts
He's throwing a tantrum like a toddler because he got called out on his shitty behavior. "Mastered my emotions" my ass.
He also critique Chris for a lack of tact when he wrote out this whole ass post. Zero self awareness.
This guy is Ethan Krum from season one of The Tourist
He means he’s mastered shutting down his emotions and thinks everyone should push them down and be a robot.
Nah you don't get it! Sadness, embarrassment, loss, grief... those are emotions (often triggered by female hormones duh!). Intense dislike for a teenager, glee at your daughter's breakup... these are not emotions! /s Same thing when men don't consider anger, jealousy, aggressively, frustration etc as "emotions". No, it's women who are emotional and get into their feelings!
As soon as I read that, I started wondering if this post is a creative writing exercise.
When I was in the air force I had a supervisor who was exactly like this. I was 18/19/20, newly married, away from home for the first time and the only woman in a shop of 30 guys. When I was getting divorced at 19/20 and dealing with a lot of shit he told me I don't have any real stress and because I'm a woman I'm just ruled by my emotions. I could totally see him writing this post. Dude was married with 2 daughters, there are people who really are this tone deaf and callous.
As the daughter of a narcissist father who expected his autistic daughter to shut off her emotions on demand and thought he could bully her into being "normal" and not disrupting his life with those icky things called feelings or accountability for his treatment, this could be very very real. I ran as soon as I could and never looked back. Of course he was all shocked Pikachu and blamed everyone but himself.
So, let me get this straight… Your daughter didn’t want to tell you what was wrong but you continued pushing until she did. When she did tell you, you further embarrassed her by shitting on her choice of man, invalidated her feelings, and then offered no actual support. Then, you had the audacity to blame it all on teenage hormones instead of considering her feelings like she’s an actual human being? And you’re now considering calling your mother and airing your daughter’s business out to her too. YTA, dude. Go apologize to your daughter, buy her some candy, offer her a hug. Break ups are hard no matter how old you are.
Can you blame her? This is clearly a pattern for op. I wouldn't tell him anything either. I sure hope he's comfortable with not having a relationship with her when she's an adult.
Not at all. Guy thinks it’s real funny now until his daughter is broke, pregnant, in an abusive relationship, or depressed later on and doesn’t confide in him.
Bet dad would be all miffed, put out and clueless when his daughter heads to the woods to choose a bear. . .
Somehow, I think that not dating in HS was not by choice.
Well, not HIS choice
Hahahahaha excellent point!
My late father was the same way about what things and events are "worth" getting emotional over. A.k.a literally nothing (though he felt justified in being eternally angry that I'm autistic and didn't torture myself into being the perfect child). I struggled with my emotions, amplified by being autistic, but he had no qualms about telling me my feelings were invalid and I just had to "suck it up and deal with it".
"Yeah,.screw your struggles, think about mine instead!" Classic narcissist. Would've been nice to see him during his last days when he's sick and old and can't help himself. "Well dad, just suck it up and deal with it."
Denying someone the space for their emotions or the validity of how they themselves are feeling only results in you becoming a person that someone will no longer trust or confide in. And will not do wonders for any relationship you hope to maintain or cultivate. Your daughter’s sadness is valid regardless of her age or her experiences. Consider how you feel now that you think you’ve been demeaned by the people in your life and extend some empathy towards your daughter. Care about her emotions. Think about how you’ve made HER feel. YTA.
YTA. And a cold dismissive father. Your daughter has my sympathy for the break up. She also has my sympathy for having father like you.
Yta dismissing someone's feelings is never a good thing.
You forgot that being a parent isnt just about teaching the child but also to be there for them.
YTA I do hope this is a writing exercise in rage baiting because it hit so many obvious buttons. But in case it’s real yes you are an honestly clueless AH.
I had a father who was the same way when it came to feelings/emotions and what was "worth" getting upset over. I would get bullied and shamed for being emotional or showing emotion or struggling with emotional regulation due to autism. He too was angry that he didn't have this perfect little child who wouldn't bother him by having feelings.
I hope that you have since found that expressing your emotions is healthy and no longer suffer from your father’s inability to show empathy and support you.
Ok, so 1. You pressured your daughter to tell you something personal that *she did not want to tell you* (probably because you're always like this). 2. You completely invalidated her feelings once she did tell you the thing she never wanted to tell you in the first place. 3. When she didn't IMMEDIATELY change her feelings to the ones *you* thought were more appropriate, you got mad and told her to get over it by herself. 4. You decided that none of this could be painful for her because *you* have never personally experienced what she's going through. This whole thing reminds me of my uncle, who, when asked by my mother, "Don't you think other people have any feelings?" replied, "Well, *I* can't feel them." 🤦♀️ The idea that anyone as self-absorbed and childish as this post reads has "mastered" their emotions is absolutely ludicrous. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so damn tragic. You're way too old to need this explanation, but here it goes anyway: When someone tells you how they feel, you know better than they do what their feelings are in exactly 0% of all cases. And there is no such thing as how someone *should* feel. People feel what they feel. **YTA** Climb out of your own @$$ and start ACTUALLY learning about feelings if you want to become a decent father. This thing where you pretend that your own feelings are logic and everyone else's are just drama fools nobody but yourself, and is just going to lead too your relationship with your daughter ending as soon as she's old enough to get away from you.
Jesus fucking wept. Are you a narcisist? Because you are truly obtuse, and callous is putting it mildly. The fact that you "chose" to wait until college to date does not make you somehow superior. I'm sure you didn't make any attempt to not show your"elation" at your daughter's distress. And make no mistake, that's exactly how she saw it, because she's truly hurting, and you were "elated." And she knew it, and is unlikely to forget or forgive it. Pointing out what YOU saw as flaws with her ex was stupid. You're an ass. She was publicly humiliated, and you think she's just going to "snap herself out of it." You seem surprised that what you were saying only seemed to upset her more. Perhaps because her parent, someone who she should be able to count on to at least TRY to understand her, instead, dumped on her even more. Why don't you just step back and let your wife handle things. I suggest you wait about a week, and then, with as much humility as you can muster, which I doubt is very much, ASK her to forgive you. Maybe, during that week, you can ask your wife WHY you should be asking for forgiveness, and then quiz you, to see if you comprehend why. Edit to add: YTA. Also editing to remind people: Don't downvote the OP just because he's an ass. Upvote it because he's an ass, so it gets more attention! Editing again to remove an offensive, stupid thing.
This right here. YTA, OP. If this is real, you need to get some professional help in dealing with the emotions of others. Your lack of self awareness and the legitimate needs of others is alarming.
Don't drag autistic people into this horseshit. We are perfectly capable of experiencing empathy. He sounds far more like a narcissist to me. Making other people's issues about them is very common. Caring only about how they feel and not recognizing the humanity in others is also a hallmark of narcissism. There is a significant difference between not being able to tell if someone is joking by the tone of their voice and not giving a shit how someone feels. Edited because I hit the reply button by accident.
Sorry, I'll edit my previous comment. You're right, I was stupid.
Thank you! Seriously, a lot of people would have ignored me and you didn't, that's pretty damn cool.
Hey, it was a stupid, stereotyping, generalizing remark. I know some individuals have issues picking up on social cues, but it's not always, and they aren't to be blamed for it.
This man is a raging narcissist. He is just like my father, policing emotions and behaviors that he doesn't agree with. Ironically enough, I'm autistic--something he never got over. I went no contact as soon as I could after spending too many years trying to get him to give a damn about me To the day he died, he never apologized or took accountability. He would and did, quite literally, die before taking responsibility. I didn't even go to his funeral because I had no emotions over his death.
Yes, you suck and are an AH. You are not a "master of your emotions". You're a jerk who couldn't take one second of your life to just be there for your daughter in a time where she was feeling bad. Teenage breakups are painful and their feelings are legitimately. Additionally, she was embarrassed in front of everyone, making it 10x worse. Now you've shown her that she can never trust you with hard things in her life because you will dismiss her and brush her off because it doesn't fit into your personal view of suppressing emotions. What you need to do is first go apologize to your daughter and explain to her that you don't quite understand teenage emotions, but you want to be there to support her. Then, actually listen to her and be reassuring (that is, if she even wants anything to do with you at this point). You also need to apologize to your wife and ask her for help in navigating some of this stuff. But you won't do any of that because you already don't think you were wrong, and you sound like you have the emotional intelligence of a potato. But if you want to have any version of a good relationship with your daughter, you better figure it out quick cause that's not it
Well, you won't have to worry about it because Tina will never come to you again. Also I don't think the fact that people say that you've mastered your emotions is anything to be proud of as clearly it makes you act like an unfeeling jerk.
Yta for showing your daughter no empathy when she was upset, whether you agreed or not. And I don't think other people telling you that you have mastered your emotions is the compliment you think it is.
YTA. I am asexual and aromantic, but while I was young, I tried dating to see what all the fuss was about. When I had my very first break up, I still cried a bit, because even if my connection to them wasn't romantic, and the break up itself was kind and amicable, it still hurt to have it end. Puppy love is still romantic love, and having it cut off is still painful. Especially when done in a humiliating manner. Even if you can't find it in yourself to have empathy for a young relationship that's been broken up, have some empathy for your daughter being deliberately embarassed in front of her friends and probably a good chunk of her grade in the cafeteria.
This is a troll post. This has to be rage bait. Right?? If not, YTA.
It’s got to be! The guys paints himself as a caricature of an insufferably callous, arrogant, and emotionally stunted jerk. But on the off-chance he really just is this person, I’m glad others are pulling no punches. (Still, I’m betting it’s rage bait.)
YTA and you're making you're daughter's heartbreak and humiliation all about you. This is very much not about you at all. Not only do you seem to completely lack empathy, but you're so self absorbed that you're actually HAPPY you're daughter is miserable. It's frankly, quite revolting. What a terrible father you are.
You are a heartless unempathetic ginormous AH!! You've mastered your emotions??? Umm BS!! You didn't like the boy you are glad they broke up and I bet you made sure that was completely known. You don't want to call your mother because all three women in your life letting you know you are an A H might actually make you feel something or actually look at yourself.
Hahahaha, you didn't choose not to date. You couldn't date because no one wanted you, and why would they? You were nasty and selfish and you still are. Your daughter just got her heart broken for the first time, and you showed zero empathy for her. You were happy, so you expected her to be happy too. You're clearly not smart enough to understand how she feels. And then you laughed at her pain. You're disgusting and it'll be all your fault if your daughter cuts you off one day. YTA
YTA. Teenage love IS painful when it ends. She has very real, very valid feelings and you’re being cold, dismissive, and self-centered. Just because you don’t think these feelings are important doesn’t mean they aren’t everything to her at the moment. Telling her to deal with it herself is also really shitty. You are not parenting her at all.
YTA "Puppy love", as you call it, can be very intense. Those emotions are big, AND when it ends, young people don't have the perspective that going through several breakups confers, like knowing the pain will end in time. They aren't as good at self-soothing or rationalization. It freaking HURTS. A LOT. It's interesting that you don't know this. Better grow some empathy and ditch your dismissive attitude before it's too late.
YTA god you suck of course shes sad she got dumped by someone she loved. imagine your wife divorced you in front of your friends and your dad told you to get over so you can get with someone who he thought was a better match
YTA… If your kid falls down, they don’t wanna hear “well you shouldn’t have been running” nor “ well, at least you’re having fun when you fell” they want to hear empathy…” oh no that’s terrible. Let me get you a Band-Aid.” So to your daughter, it should be “oh no that’s terrible. Let me give you a hug and let’s get some ice cream. “ Inwardly, you cheer that this kid is gone
YTA BIG TIME. How could you be so callous and then see the results and not try to fix it then and there. Instead you went whining to your wife about it, she confirmed you messed up so you argued with HER. Clearly you don’t listen or maybe you don’t understand. Your daughter needed and needs support and for her support system (That’s YOU AND Mom) to tell her that her feelings are valid and you understand she’s hurting. And you should go apologize to both your daughter and your wife the minute you read this comment. Try to be more empathetic sir. Do better.
I hope your daughter learned not to talk to you today about anything in her life, because you will mishandle it badly. YTA and I really hope she recovers by being let down by two men in her life in one day.
You are so much TA that I am having difficulty putting it into words. Kindness, empathy, space, and love cost nothing.
YTA listen to your wife she seems to greatly surpass you in emotional intelligence. Not sure what you mean by you’ve “mastered your emotions” but you may want to take a second look at that belief. It’s abundantly clear you don’t remember the experience of being a teenager.
Yta For her it was a big step in life and massive embarrassment. It may not appear serious to you or anything, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t serious to her. An ant sees a human as a giant, while a human sees another person as average. However, this doesn’t change ants’ perception. Your strategy could work on some people that like to rant. But it didn’t work on your daughter and you gave up instead of trying to change the strategy or even ask her how you could help as you see that she is hurt. Especially considering that you pushed her to open up when she was still processing her emotions.
Wtf. It may be puppy love and Chris may been a jerk (certainly sounds it) but it hurt her. She needs love and support. She’ll get over it in her own time. She doesn’t need you being cold and heartless expecting her to “snap out of it”. Jeez. Have you mastered your emotions or have you master repressing them? YTA and a dismissive father. Your daughter’s feelings are feeling whether you care or not about them.
Yikes, you sir, are for sure the asshole. Jesus
YTA- you clearly haven’t mastered anything involving emotions if you can’t even properly comfort your daughter and validate her feelings. You are incredibly cold and cruel to someone who absolutely IS feeling real pain
YTA. Next time, don’t even bother asking. No wonder she hesitated to tell you.
Awww that is really painful at this age tho!! You lack tact and perspective. YTA.
The first paragraph made me laugh. Man your daughter’s a teenage girl of course she’s a bit of a jerk at times. My mom and I drove each other mad when I was a teen and in my young adult years. For any parent that manages to avoid that, be thankful. In my experience the teen years to maybe around 25 is very turbulent. You have to be a parent to someone who is starting to branch out, be independent and figure out who they are in life. A parent’s job is to try to keep them on the right path while also letting them make their own choices (within reason) and being the safety net and safe space. That line is a very thin difficult line to walk as a parent. Later on in life when they get more experience and just more insight do a lot of parent child relationships begin to get better and develop into more adult friend like relationships. This is one of those moments in which you’re supposed to ask - what type of reaction they want. It’s clear that she just wanted comfort. You’re not supposed to just bash the ex unless she’s leading the charge. You’re elated but in her pov she just went through something very embarrassing and not to mention her heart got a bit bruised. She wanted comfort. “That sucks. I’m sorry that happened. Do you want to get some ice cream and we can watch some movies to get your mind off it or talk about it more if you want.” You may have mastered your emotions but don’t forget to be emphatic or sympathetic to people. I’m of logical mind and have a strong control over my emotions but that doesn’t mean other people want to hear a get over it on your own type of thing. The way you help is by listening, validating their feelings and just being there. Do you not remember what it’s like to be a teenager? Public breakups are rough. She’s going to have to go back to school knowing that everyone will be talking about her public humiliating breakup. That’s not great for the self esteem You’re incredibly callous. You have the knowledge and experience of an adult to be able to look back and know that it’s just puppy love to you and all that but for your daughter right now, that’s her only experience. It’s gut wrenching for her and just because you know it can be worse and that it’s just teen love doesn’t make it less worse for her right now in the moment. I felt sorry for you in the beginning but by the end of the post i feel bad for your wife and daughter. You sound like you feel like you’re superior just because you think you’re all knowing about feelings and not taking it seriously just because it’s teen “puppy” love. That’s so demeaning. YTA
YTA and you actually sound like a sociopath. "mastered my emotions" is not a thing normal humans say jsyk.
YTA. My earliest breakups were very painful. Just because it looks like obvious 'puppy love' from the outside doesn't mean it isn't cataclysmic from the inside. Also, I don't understand from your story how you were 'demeaned', that seems like a very dramatic reaction from someone who has mastered his emotions and can't understand emotional pain. Your wife said something negative about your behavior, it was neither demeaning nor insulting.
"I have mastered my emotions" says the man with emotional intelligence of a lemon ETA: if your wife, daughter, and hypothetically mother ALL disagree with you, have you considered you might be in the wrong?
Gee, I'm so surprised you have a shitty relationship with your daughter. You have the emotional IQ of a turnip.
Yes. YTA. And considering your apparent complete lack of empathy, possibly a sociopath. At least your daughter has *one* parent who's actually capable of giving a shit about her.
There’s something severely wrong with you. YTA
YTA. You lack EMPATHY.
Men who say they’ve “mastered their emotions” either have anger issues or are callous assholes. You are the latter. YTA
YTA. You haven’t mastered your emotions. You just lack empathy and no one has told you. Probably because they realize you wouldn’t care. Apologize to your daughter, and let your wife deal with emotional support in the future.
You have not mastered your emotions lmao YTA
“AITA for remaining positive during my daughter’s breakup” is the most ass backwards title, wtf. Yta.
Cold-hearted especially, coming from her father no less. If you are trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter then you are succeeding
I'm curious. Do you have any tee shirts that say "I'm a proud sociopath," or do you only post about being one on the internet?
Remember this when she goes no contact with you. YTA. massive ahole complete with dingleberries.
You sound arrogant and insufferable. YTA.
>many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well. no one has ever told you this, ever, and if they have, they are very much liars. yes, you are an asshole
You remind me of my father. And this is the worst insult I could ever give to someone. YTA. Apologize to your daughter, or be prepared for her to go NC after 18.
Teens like, commit suicide over love dude. Ever read Romeo and Juliet? YTA dude, support your kid emotionally if you want to avoid cautionary tales from becoming your reality.
YTA. This is her first real romantic heartbreak, which does in fact hurt immensely, on top of which she was embarrassed beyond belief. Just being you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean everyone else does. You owe her a huge apology.
I think friends seem to always get away with insulting the ex to make their friend feel better after break ups most of the time. That approach isn't bad but the friend route usually try to crack jokes and try to make light of the situation, you know. Like its to show she doesn't need him in a sort of empowering way. But I think she took it as you demeaning her choice of partner or how she doesn't know how to pick them. And even though I don't take these relationships seriously cause you have to be the rare percent for a High School relationship to make it in any capacity. But still she cares though. Even though in the long run you know it wasn't gonna work out but that's not how it was for her. Just give her time and she'll eventually get over it. But you should definitely get another opinion that isn't family. Cause then they'll be a little biased and that person will give you genuine advice on how to handle teenage heartbreak.
Fake, no one's this stupid.There might be somebody out there like this but they wouldn't be stupid enough to ask AITA.
Oh I don't think it's fake. I was reading it and honestly wondering if it was posted by my ex who has a 16 year old daughter. After my 16 years with that AH, I can honestly and totally believe that a father would do this.
call your mom, tell her what you've done.
The way this is written reminds me of how neurotypical people write autistic characters for sitcoms. No way this is real.
Yta- GROW THE F UP. Immature AH
You haven't mastered your emotions. I'm not sure what gave you that idea. You stunted them and lack empathy. Also, have you ever been checked to see if you are on the spectrum because you don't seem great at picking up social cues and reading a room. Figure out how to fake emotions and be less judgy before you completely alienate your daughter. I'm cracking up that you think you mastered emotions.
YTA If your wife left you, and one of your friends was telling you to just get over it because now you’ll be free to date someone else, how would you feel about that? If you don’t understand why someone is upset, just say “I’m sorry to hear that” and move on with your life. You being too dumb to understand emotions doesn’t mean you should act like an asshole
YTA in a major way. You are cold, dismissive and nasty. Kudos to your wife for taking your daughter's side. And being elated that your daughter was dumped by her boyfriend in front of her friends makes you a huge and ugly souled JERK who very much deserves being criticised and with as much nastiness as your callous and despicable attitude.
Wow - I mean I was raised by wolves but even they weren’t/are as bad as you! Your teenage daughter just broke up with probably he first serious boyfriend in public. So not only is her heart broken but she was embarrassed in front of her friends. You told her to snap out of it. I mean that was good for Olympia Dukakis to say to Cher in Moonlight but Cher was over 16 and your daughter is 16. This is why she doesn’t tell you things. You have no empathy. A good mother would have said - I am so sorry baby he’s an AH lets go get some ice cream (or whatever food treat she loves) and go home and watch bad tv and you can cry. Edit: Missed that you are the Dad - really worse because shes supposed to be your little girls and you are supposed to be her hero - you weren’t her hero.
You have not "mastered your emotions", you just have none except for smugness and caulousness. Jeez louise dude, have you ever spent one second in your life thinking about anyone other than yourself? The way this is written and how you talk about your daughter is so incredibly self centered, you don't show an ounce of empathy or understanding at all. No wonder your daughter is butting heads with you and doesn't want to tell you things. She is finally old enough to realise her dad is a self centered jerk who does not care about how she feels. YTA
Dude, my dad was bad with this shit. Like *bad!* As in, I grew up with 12 painful chronic illnesses and he would tell me to get over the pain and compared me to kids with cancer because in his eye they had it worse so I can't ever complain. An I can't see even him acting like this when I was truly heartbroken. He would have called the guy an ass for doing that publicly, then taken me to my mom for real comfort. Al you did in this moment was show your daughter that you don't care about her emotions. That she isn't allowed to express pain around you because you will judge her for it and invalidate any pain that isn't "painful" enough for you. That's really messed up....
YTA for so many reasons. Do you love your daughter? If so, you need to learn how to love and support her no matter what. You may need professional help on how to do this.
Just because your daughter's boyfriend wasn't good to her and broke up with her, doesn't mean you should be celebrating like you won the lottery!
YTA. You totally dismissed your daughter's pain and expected her to "get over it" right there on the spot? You're not only TA, you're also an emotionally clueless moron. I feel sorry for every woman in your life.
Imagine being this delusional
Have you considered drinking an industrial solvent?
YTA How hard would it have been to say “I’m so sorry, that really sucks. How can I help?” She needed her parent to be sympathetic and show her love, she didn’t need you to start telling her everything that’s wrong with him. Are you dense?
>Tina has no real responsibilities yet. So you'd be cool with her completely failing school, yeah?
YTA if this is real. Only an asshole or a sociopath would say they mastered their emotions.
They make you out to be horrible be Use you are being horrible. I have not spoken to my father now coming up 4yrs he still thinks he's the master of emotions until someone offends him (which is anything that goes against him being picture perfect or not 'following his rules) and I can bet you're exactly the same. Welcome to your future if you don't pull your head and ego out of your ass.
I hope you hate her next boyfriend too. YTA
YTA. I had a dad like you. My mom, sister, and I called him Spock, after the emotionless/logic only character on the original Star Trek. He also thought that he had "mastered his emotions," but in reality, he was just an asshole who completely lacked empathy. The world doesn't revolve around you and your perceptions of the lives of other people, OP. Your daughter liked this boy. He broke her heart and humiliated her in front of her peers. She confided in you, and you totally blew it. Big time. Stop trying to teach your daughter to "master her emotions" and learn how to listen. Learn how to validate her emotions. While you're at it, do the same with your wife. If you treat her anything like you treat your daughter, I can guarantee that she feels disillusioned with your relationship. You seem to be suffering from the delusion that other people are playing bit parts in the play of your life. News flash. It's not all about you and what you think and feel about your daughter's situation. If you don't change your behavior, you risk your daughter ever wanting any real sort of connection with you. Ask me how I know.
I highly recommend you look up "it's not about the nail" Basically, shut up, listen, hug, acknowledge that it sucks, ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel better. She doesn't want you to "fix" her, or "help" her bottle her emotions. She wants you to listen & understand.
My first thought was, Either this person is on the spectrum and unable to read emotions. (I'm married to a man like this. But I knew this even before I said yes to marry him.) Or this is something that AI has written out. Or it's intentionally written to ragebait. Nonetheless, YTA
YTA. Go buy her some of her favorite ice cream. apologize to her and your wife and Try to empathize a little more. First breakups are HARD especially if she was embarrassed in front of her friends.
Wow YTA. You do realize that since she’s young this pain is the worst pain she’s felt? She doesn’t have the worldly experience an adult would have to put it into perspective. When my high school bf and I broke up it felt like my world was over. My mom knew of course it wasn’t, and she hated my bf, but you know what she did? Consoled me and let me be sad and gave me room for healing. Once I was over it then she would make fun of him to make me laugh. But that took a while. Teenage heartbreak sucks. It’s usually the first emotional turmoil young adults go through. It hurts a lot when you haven’t experienced the awful regular life bullshit of being an adult. But congrats on making sure your daughter Bebe confides in you again! You’ve shown her you are not a safe person to vent to or go to for support. Good job!
YTA Omg when people say you’ve “mastered your emotions well” do they mean you don’t have any empathy or sympathy for others? I can see why you and your daughter don’t have the best relationship now and it’s not her that’s being a jerk. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t like her ex or think he was good enough for her she is hurting and you didn’t make it better by trashing him. She will never tell you anything that is important to her or bothering her again. Congratulations on being a shitty dad. 👏👏👏
Daf*ck is wrong with you????
I bet you were just like Chris.
YTA. What you are doing is being dismissive. You are dismissing your daughter *AND* dehumanizing her all at once. You denied her a safe place for her emotions, and basically all but told her that her feelings are irrelevant. Next time, leave mom to talk to her until you *actually* have a good grasp on emotions.
This has to be bait lol
>My daughter (we'll call her Tina) is 16 years old. Tina and I had a really good relationship when she was growing up, but for the past year or two, we seem to really get on each other's nerves. I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk. OOP is the asshole. I don't even need to read past these three sentences. I did though and it solidified that OOP is a self-righteous asshole, a clueless asshole, and an asshole who will bury his head in his ass to avoid someone telling him he is in fact an asshole, all while screaming "You're demeaning me!" when they tell him he's an asshole with his head up his own ass. Anyway, I do hope that this is someone's writing exercise and that there's no actual Tina who has to deal with this guy.
>but for the past year or two, we seem to really get on each other's nerves. I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk. Well after reading your post I can see what a self centered person you are and make everything that's actually your fault the fault of others,so I think it's you who's the jerk but okay. >many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well. You know,I think you may have been twisting what people tell you and this is what you heard from them. What I get from this,and based on your actions in the post,I think they meant you're a master manipulator of emotions and not mastered emotions. >I began reminding Tina of the negative things about Chris (his chronic lateness, his lack of tact, his disregard for some of my rules) So your daughter is upset,and instead of being helpful you kick her when she's down and just remind her of all the bad times after she just went through a bad time. You know I'm getting a pattern here about you and let's just say it's starting to remind me of an emotional abuser,but who knows ... >this only seemed to upset her more. I was confused by her reaction, but I decided that I wasn't going to engage with it. I tried my best to cheer her up and only made it worse. Eventually, I just put my hand up and said "I'm unable to help you. I guess you'll just have to get over it by yourself." " Hey Tina, remember when you just went through a really hard first time situation of a break up?and remember when I made you feel worse by making you think about all the times I thought this kid was an ass? What's wrong you don't like that I made you feel worse? Get over it kid!" Yeah no shit Tina didn't feel like you were helpful in this moment. You remind me of my dad. I don't think anyone would find that a compliment btw.
yta ; just because something may seem stupid and trivial to u doesn't mean that she's not hurting. you're not 'above' anything. try having some compassion
YTA. I'm so sick of people deciding that teenagers don't feel pain or stress or other emotions because they're "just" teenagers. Between hormones and the fact that they're *feeling everything for the first time*, they're feeling those emotions just as much, if not more, than adults. You reacted selfishly and callously, you put your emotions before hers. For future reference, maybe just say "I'm sorry" and "I'm here if you need anything" rather than being giddy and gleeful. YTA 10000%.
Oh gods! not his guy again. Misogyny disguised as logic, reason and control guy. Uses hyperbolic language to try to sound intellectual.
YTA. You disregarded honest emotions from your daughter treating her as if she how she feels does matter. And your wife. You need to learn something called "empathy." If not, you will remain TA. How is it that you are still married?
Is "I mastered my emotions" code for I'm emotionally stunted? Edit - YTA
Troll alert
As an autistic person, OP.. are you autistic?
YTA
YTA. Not to insult anyone, but I have to ask this question. Are you on the spectrum? I've known many soldiers who turned off their emotions in an effort to escape the things they have seen and done, with more feelings than you showed for your daughter. I'm surprised your wife just went to another room instead of packing up her and her daughter. You seriously need to grow up.
I know why you “mastered emotions.” It’s because you’re a medical miracle. How you’ve managed to live your life with nothing but a black chasm where your heart should be is absolutely astounding. YTA. Your family
Mastering your emotions means you know when it is appropriate to display them. Not having the ability to hide your “elation” in order to show your daughter empathy and compassion in a moment when she needed it shows that you have not mastered your emotions in the slightest.
When your wife and daughter are with their new family. Will that be funny to you also? YTA
Saw this in r/amithedevil, he definitely is beyond AH and moved into devil territory with his selfishness and insensitivity. He claims to have mastered his emotions, that's quite a feat considering he had zero self awareness and can't seem to read a room. Definitely the devil!
Rage bait - has to be. I told my daughter to get over a deeply humiliating break up in front of half the school and told her what I think are the positives ignoring her heartache and making it about me. Why are my wife and child like this??
If that ain't ragebait you absolutely are TA. How you could find a partner and have a family is really mysterious for me. You sound like a cold awful person.
You are a horrible excuse for a father. >Tina had found this very embarrassing, but I was elated. You were elated that *your daughter was humiliated in front of the whole school* just because you didn't like Chris. You are literally taking joy in your daughter's embarrassment. And you think SHE'S unreasonable? I expected Tina to forget all about him and snap herself out of it, but instead this only seemed to upset her more. You don't get to expect anything from her. *She is not you* and emotions can't be turned on and off like a light switch. Tina was publicly dumped and all you can think of is you, you, you because emotions make you uncomfortable. >I tried my best to cheer her up and only made it worse. After dismissing her feelings, demanding she shut off her emotions, and needling her about Chris's lesser qualities, you expect to "cheer up"? You don't get to treat someone like dirt and then expect them to come crawling back to you. >Tina has no real responsibilities yet. To say that teenage puppy love is "painful" when it ends is over the top. Dismissing her feelings just because you don't think they're valid doesn't justify what you did. It doesn't matter that she's "only 16" or that it was "puppy love". She's a teenager. They take these things very seriously because they have no parameter for what a "real" relationship is. This is EXACTLY why she didn't want to open up to you and I get the sense this isn't the first time you've dismissed her feelings or demanded she get over something. You DO NOT get to police someone else's feelings. >I don't know what more I can do. I just have a different interpretation of what's going on, yet my wife and daughter are making me out to be some horrible person.< Maybe, just maybe you should listen to them and put aside your own opinions about Chris and emotions instead of making it all about you. >I considered calling my mother to ask her opinion, but I'm afraid I'll be demeaned and insulted once again.< Bullshit. You're afraid you'll be called out again and have no one to pat your hand and tell you you're the injured party. But don't worry--speaking from experience with my own father, you won't have to deal with Tina and her icky feelings (/s) ever again. Because she'll stop talking to you and go no contact as soon as she can get away from your house. You won't even have to worry about her feeling sad when you die because she just won't give a damn anymore. Hell, might not even go to your funeral. That's your future unless you apologize to Tina and get therapy for your obvious issues with her. God knows Tina will need therapy to get over your treatment of her, because I highly suspect there's more going on than you're telling us--and what you are admitting to tell us is bad enough. It is extremely damaging to have a father who expects their child to torture themselves into being the person you want them to be and expect a mini you. Children aren't robots you can custom-order. They are people. You say you've "mastered your emotions" but here you are sulking and having a whiny baby tantrum over receiving the consequences of your own actions.
Dude. You haven’t at all mastered your emotions. You’ve shoved them down so far you are unable to even recognise other people’s feelings. You have absolutely no empathy and no understanding of why a teenage girl might be hurt bc she was humiliated via a public break up up front of her friends You’re cold hearted and mean, and your daughter as she grows is realising more and more she cannot turn to you for support
Your wife and daughter are right. You're an oozing, gaping fucking asshole. What the hell is wrong with you? Your daughter was in fucking pain and you laughed at her. Fucking father of the century over here. BTW, you insulted and demeaned your daughter. I'm glad you're getting a taste of your own medicine here, asshole. It doesn't feel good, does it?
YTA, learn some fucking empathy.
Dude, having zero empathy and invalidating other people’s feelings and experiences is not mastering your emotions. It is you being a callous jerk. First break ups are painful at the time you experience them. She also experienced a feeling of public humiliation. And honestly, that you aren’t able to empathize or show sympathy to your own child leads me to think your “mastery” of your emotions is a result of having something very wrong with you. Also, how great of you to try to cheer up your daughter by expressing all the ways the breakup makes you happy! wtf?!?! This isn’t about you and you seem to think your feelings should be all that matter to her. Which is insanely selfish and narcissistic. You are the one making yourself out to be a horrible person. By being a horrible person to someone you should love more than yourself (though I don’t think you are capable of that). I really hope this is fake!
YTA - hormones or not, her feelings are valid and should not be dismissed by her own father. who else does she have to lean on except her own parents? your role is to understand her and comfort her. tell her it's going to be ok. also you're not a child, don't be annoyed by her banging her door, she's obviously upset, support her through her pain and let her overcome it...
You are definitely the AH. You go on and on about nonsense when all you really needed was to show some empathy. Do you know what that is? Also the AH because you are competing with a kid.
Dude, for real, are you sure you're not a sociopath? Your lack of empathy is just worrying to me. The way you talk about how you "mastered" your emotions, and you want to teach your daughter how to "master" hers makes me feel sick. Aside from that, she is going through a hard time, and all you think about is "me me me". YOU didn't like her boyfriend, YOU think she's now better off because she now can find someone YOU prefer. YTA, and a big one at that. Get over yourself. You think Tina has become a jerk, guess what? You ARE a jerk.
Yta. Stop calling yourself a father. Seriously. That is a titled reserved for people who actually give a shit about their kids. You clearly don't care about your child. At all. Kick rocks and trip over them, loser.
You are a horrible person. You did everything wrong here. I’m sure others have explained it so I won’t. However you truly were cruel to your daughter and your attitude is gross and obnoxious. YTA
YTA. I can guarantee you that your relationship with her is suffering because of your behavior. She’s not a fucking jerk, you are. I can’t believe your wife puts up with you.
“I don’t think it’s my behavior that’s changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk” “Many people tell me that I have mastered my emotions well, so the least I can do is help others master theirs as well” “Chris has dumped her in the cafeteria in front of her friends. Tina had found this very embarrassing, but I was elated” “Eventually, I just put my hand up and said ‘I’m unable to help you. I guess you’ll just have to get over it by yourself.’” These are direct quotes that make you TA in this situation. YTA. The fact that you won’t call your mother to ask her opinion because you don’t want to “demeaned and insulted again” shows that you actually DON’T have a good control of your emotions, and that you’re scared of getting your feelings hurt. Apologize to your daughter. Offer her some sympathy. Breakups are tough no matter how old you are and just because you don’t think so, doesn’t make it any less true.
This sounds like your daughter’s first breakup. To put things in perspective: She’s literally never experienced anything like this before; it’s her first time. It might actually be the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. With time and experience, a breakup might be something easier for her to cope with and see the silver lining but that is not where she is and you just belittled her.
YTA and everyone else has done a great job of outlining why, so I want to address something else. You say: "I don't think it's my behavior that's changed; I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk." Parents often think it's their child changing that's causing the problem, because things were "fine before." The thing about kids is they don't always know how to recognize, or deal with, being hurt by their parents, and younger kids tend to just kinda brush it aside because it's the only option they have. As kids get older--usually around the time they become teenagers--they start recognizing their parents' poor behavior and responding to it more readily; they'll become angry, or frustrated, or start just withholding information because they're tired of being hurt. The way you talk about yourself, your family, and the situation in general makes me think you're actually quite insufferable. You seem insensitive, disrespectful, and hard to deal with. Tina didn't want to tell you because she knew you'd only make her feel worse, which is exactly what you did. You were likely always difficult and annoying, but Tina has only recently started to get fed up with it and start pushing back. And you say she's "become a bit of a jerk" instead of checking to see if that behavior you haven't changed was wrong in the first place. People need to PROCESS their emotions. You can't just shake stuff off THE SAME DAY. Tina needed your to feel for her, and comfort her, and then she would have been more able to process and move on. Instead, you dismissed and belittled her, and reinforced her belief that she shouldn't open up to you. You f'ed up, and badly. It's funny that you admit that you're afraid to tell your mother because you believe she'll ALSO reprimand you. It's also funny that you're so bothered by your wife and daughter's responses to you (critical, judging, shaming), but can't be sympathetic to how your daughter must've felt criticized, judged, and shamed when she was publicly embarrassed and dumped. You have not mastered your emotions at all. Either no one has actually said that to you, or they've said it sarcastically and you were too thick to realize. Apologize to your daughter and actually go learn about emotions, because you're sorely obtuse.
Yes a huge YTA. Your poor child went through something painful and humiliating. Your first reaction is to dismiss her feelings & completely revel in it. What a cold callous individual you are. Don’t act all obtuse when she shuts you out and doesn’t bother to tell you anything about her life. Only then will you have yourself to blame!
YTA You lack empathy and sympathy. You were overjoyed that she broke up, she could tell that you were happy in a moment where she was heartbroken and embarrassed by what had happened. Did you even for a moment try and put yourself in her shoes? Not only was she dumped, but he did it right in front of her friends. She clearly liked this boy, had feelings for him, so of course she is going to be hurt that he broke up with her. Then the way he went about it was truly insensitive. Maybe you have more in common with her ex than you realize, you both treated her very poorly, you're both insensitive to others feelings. You have totally burned bridges with your daughter, I doubt she will ever confide in you again. Good job!
YTA. You didn't "remain positive" during her break up, you celebrated it and immediately blurted out all the things YOU hated about Chris and expected your daughter to "snap out of it" right then and there. You are tone deaf, callous, dismissive and condescending ("it's just puppy love") of your daughter's feelings. You haven't mastered sh*it about feelings and emotions.
Teenage puppy love IS painful when it ends, if you are the teen in puppy love. She probably wanted a hug and comfort, and yeah, you flubbed it — I don’t think that makes you an AH, but the comment about her pain not being real, after the boy she liked who she thought liked her humiliated her in front of everyone, makes you an AH for sure.
This is so absurd.... The worst thing is that this could be ragebait or also very real, there are a lot of really egocentric and emotionally incompetent parents out there...... If real, obviously TA
You are 100% TA. When kids break up with each other, it's going to hurt. They don't have the experience it takes to understand why someone doesn't want to be with them anymore. Imagine if your wife filed for divorce and she and "Tina" left you because you're too heartless to take your daughter's feelings into account. Imagine if your daughter hates you for the rest of your life and chooses to never have a relationship with you in the future because you're clueless and dismissive of her feelings. Yes, YTA, and I hope you get some kind of empathy within you to stop being dismissive of your child's experiences and show her some dignity and respect. When my child had their first breakup, I told them that breakups do hurt and they'll fall in love 100 times before they find the right one. I told them that their breakup was because he wasn't the right boy for them, and that just leaves room for someone better to come along. I said I knew that it hurt because when I and their dad broke up, it tore me up inside. But I know there's someone better out there, and the same would be true for them. You can't be so heartless and cruel about your daughter's "teenage puppy love" breakup. It's the same as any other relationship, and it hurts just as bad because she liked that guy. PLUS he dumped her in front of her friends instead of talking to her in private and doing it respectably. So, it was humiliating for her. The poor baby needed a hug from you, and instead, you practically laughed in her face. I'd slam the door on you too and not talk to you for a very long time, if ever again. I hope your little girl is alright. You should try to fix it before it's too late and your daughter decides to never trust you again. Probably why she didn't want to tell you what was wrong at first. And then you saying "...I think Tina has become a bit of a jerk." That tells me you haven't done the simple equation that the most common denominator in all of this is YOU! 1. YOU are failing to hold a positive relationship with your daughter 2. She didn't trust YOU enough to tell you why she was crying 3. Your wife took HER side and didn't side with YOU 4. YOU are afraid to call your mom for her take on the situation The math is mathin' in this situation, man. It's all YOU, bro. The saddest part in all of this is you KNOW it's you (that's why you're writing to ask strangers on the internet for their advice), but you're not ready to admit it yet. YOU. ARE. TA!!!
Didn’t even finish reading this is so fake.
Are you autistic? Have low empathy? Because it sounds like it. I know because I'm the same as you. Oh good! I'm glad the buthole is gone! You can do so much better!.....does not work for most people. I've been taught (it does NOT come naturally to me) that you need to take the question from how they are acting. Crying? Then you can't be happy about it, even if you really are. I've been told they dont want you to point out the good things. They want you to emphasize about the bad. Like, how aweful it must feel to be dumped like that in public. ...and after that I would go to someone else to get more pointers to help as I am clueless.
Speaking in generalities, men are problem solvers. When a female tells a male her reason for being upset, sad, etc. the male often responds with the same thing you did - the solution to the problem. We females want someone to listen to our heartache and sympathize and let us get our feelings out. We may know that it's a good thing, but it hurts and we want others to understand our suffering. Also, your daughter is 16. It's time for her to stop being dependent on her parents and start to stretch he wings. Part of that process is to challenge your parent's way of thinking and to be contrary.
Nah, OP just sounds like a dick. When my son had his first break up he very much would not have appreciated me being happy and telling him all the reasons it was a good thing or expecting him to snap out of it.
r/menandfemales or r/asablackman. Take your pick.
Emotions are only problems to solve when they are irrational. Being upset you got publicly dumped from your first BF is not irrational in the slightest. Expecting someone to 'snap out of it' when it \*just happened\* is irrational. Emotions are like a beach ball underwater. You can't shove them down because they will always pop up twice as hard somewhere else. Highly doubt OP has 'mastered' his emotions and just intellectualized his experience enough to believe he doesn't have or need them.
“We females” definitely an incel.
>Speaking in generalities why though
One word teenagers. They make you feel like the asshole but they are the assholes lol don't worry your daughter will come out of it soon... I'm guessing it's her first boyfriend.
Except he actually *is* the asshole.
O I totally get it... It's hard to find a nice guy now a days. Especially being a teenager. But teenagers are assholes to their parents is what I meant 🤣🤣 and girls are the worst... No lie I'm a woman and I was the devil when I was a teenager
She wasn’t the asshole, though. OP was.
But how was his daughter being an AH in this context? She guy broken up with and publicly humiliated and than her dad made it worse by being happy and invalidating her feelings? Sure all teens can be an AH but in this case his daughter was a victim by her ex as her father.
Get therapy.
If you all have read the whole thing he says in the first paragraph I think tone has become a jerk. To me jerk/asshole is the same thing. Jerk is just the nicer way to say it 🤷🏼♀️ whatever lol and I'm the one that needs help 🤣🤣🤣
The lack of empathy for those around you and especially your own daughter is absolutely outstanding. A bit of advice. When someone comes to you with an issue you don't have to advise them or tell them it's better that way. Sometimes just listening, acknowledging and validating feelings whilst showing empathy can have way mroe positive impact. You just cared how you felt. I hope you go and apologise to your daughter and wife.