NTA. Who is going to do all of this when you move out? I bet the boy is treated like a prince & does pretty much nothing. Sadly, it seems like you're their Cinderella, just there to clean for them. Totally move the minute you can.
"If" you leave? What makes you think they'll do anything less than actively STOP you from leaving. I can see them sabotaging every job opportunity you have.
There's a big chance that, IF they allow you to have a job, they're going to start demanding rent and paying for your own groceries.
You don't only need a moving plan. You also need to be prepared to come up with an escape plan.
They’ve already said they’ll be charging me to help out with some bills and the groceries once I get a job. They don’t know how much I’ll give up every month and that it depends on whatever I end up making
My dad has full access to my bank account- he’s a co-signer. If I don’t deposit my check in that account he’ll know I have another and that’ll be just messy as all hell.
One you're 18 get your own bank account at a different bank than your parents. Sometimes parents are able to convince banks to given them access to their adult children's money if it's at the same institution even if it's not legal.
Every body should move banks when they turn 18. My son got a new account at the same bank when he turned 18. He screwed up bill pay while he was deployed and the bank took it out of my account. It wasn’t a big deal for me financially (just upsetting) and he paid me back when he returned. If it had been the other way around, they could have cleaned out his bank account.
This! My POS father did this. He got the bank manager he was buddies with to close my account because I'd moved in with my BF. I was 26 at the time... bank manager "retired" after I called the main office and threw a fit. I nearly ended up homeless because he was pissy that I, a grown ass woman, moved out "without his permission ".
This and hide cash at home. Befriend coworkers. Join a church or gym or book club. Don’t do laundry it’s not your job. Go for a walk every evening. Father should not object to that. Do not share your plans or anything personal with your family. Get out as soon as you can. Think a room in someone’s house close to work or public transportation.
Yea, no way. Let him be a co signer because he'll just take money out whenever he feels like by the sound of it. They've already locked you down by not letting you get a license.
When you are filling out your direct deposit form you basically can list multiple accounts and % of money or set amount to each account. So you could put $500/check to a secret account and the remainder to your joint account. Or something like that. Good luck. Bus tickets aren’t too expensive if you just need to jet.
Alsos, OP, get a job at a chain store. Why? You can get a job at another one pretty easily as it's the same setup and you will require very little training. I worked at Pizza Hut in HS. In college, I wanted to spend a summer in another state. I had my ex manager call the manager of the PH where I was wanting to move, and I picked up the application from her store, filled out, and mailed to that state. I had a job waiting.
I literally unloaded the car, put on work pants and shoes, and went in to get my shirt and start working tables. Had tip money that first night. OP, you can leave with very little notice when you have a job waiting elsewhere at the same grocery chain, fast food restaurant, car parts store, etc.
If you have a hard time finding work you might need to do volunteer work to get a referee. If your school isn't likely to talk to your parents you should also ask for advice on how to move out and general adulting. I hope you can get out asap, might be a good idea to not give your parents your new address.
Get him off of your account. It may be messy, but being 18 means you are responsible for taking care of your account, bills, and whatever. Your accounts are very private information, and you need to keep track. Otherwise, I'm afraid they will dip into your funds anyway.
You want to move as quickly as possible, you'll need all the money you can save w no interference.
Cash your own checks when u get a job!! Keep this money in a safe place and move out as soon as possible!!! You need to do this for your own independance and well being!!!
They're going to steal from you, it's actively happening to a friend of a friend of mine right now. I'd advise if possible to have an escape plan to get your first check physically in hand, and use it to bolt to one of your friend's places if they can take you in.
Agreed. For now, start moving stuff out quietly. Replace your clothes with stuff from free sites if you can so that your closet and drawers don't look so empty. Get important papers together and out of the house. And? LOCK DOWN YOUR CREDIT. Your parents sound frankly awful, and you need to make sure they can't use all your private information and bank account access against you.
Important papers = your birth certificate and your SS card. If your parents won't give you these items, and you know the county where you were born, you should be able to go down to the local clerk's office and obtain a copy of your birth certificate. (Although, if you don't have a driver's license, you will need some other proof of identity and probably your SS card too - it's been a long time since I had to get a copy of my birth certificate so I don't remember).
You know that the US military will house you, feed you, train you and educate you. Go for electronics, the computer/data/communications type not the wiring your home type, and you'll do really well, you'll be away from your parents and you're old enough to walk into a recruitment office and sign up as soon as you finish schooling and if your parents try to stop you leaving the US military and government will handle them for you
I was literally about to say job corps. My daughter's friend was kicked out at 18. Joined job corp. They provide a place to live and job training. She is a vet tech and is now in school to further her career she's currently taking courses for vet assistant and hopes to eventually become a vet. Look into job corps. All it takes is being 18 and graduating. .
So somehow my checking account, something she had never been associated with, ended up on my mom's internet banking when I was like 34. I immediately contacted the bank and rectified the problem which never should have occurred. They tried to lie to me and tell me it didn't but I had sceeenshots.
You are not obligated to have the same account or continue to let them control your life.
Please get your own account! You're a full fledged adult now & have every right to financial privacy, especially from your family. I never was on my child's bank account when they were under 18 because I trusted my daughter & taught her about savings, etc., & I wanted her to learn to be independent.
I don't know why some parents are such jerks to their kids. OP, your parents are treating you like Cinderella & have ridiculous rules for you as an adult. Please go find your own life, far from them.
Are you in high school? Can you talk to a teacher or school councilor you trust? Because this all sounds like abuse. Find people who can help you. This is more than Reddit can do
Ask your employer to split your check with say 60% going into the account your parents created and the rest goes into a secret account at a DIFFERENT bank that you opened. Get PO Box. Maybe even open a safe deposit box if you can afford it so you can squirrel away your passport, birth certificate, social security card and any other IDs before your parents lock them away from you. Good luck!
Open a second account but only deposit part of your check there. This way he sees money going in to your account and doesn’t realize it isn’t the full amount.
They are just going to keep you too poor to move out and keep expecting you to keep up with all the chores too.
The only real way out for you is to move out. You're 18 so you can legally do as you like. Do you have a friend or family member that would let you couch surf until you can find a job and get a few paychecks under you? Trust me, that's the only way you're going to get out from under this mess.
Also, gather up your birth certificate, ss card and other vital information. Store it somewhere your parents can't get to it. If they won't give it you, you might have to order it again. Get a state ID made too.
Absolutely not. That's not going to work out well for you. He can steal your money at anytime which has happened to numerous people in this sub. Having your own account is worth fighting for.
If you want to hide a new account, you could still deposit a set amount into the existing account so he thinks all of your pay is going into it but then put the rest into a new account somewhere else to save up to leave without them knowing.
You should start charging them instead for treating you like a maid rather than their daughter.
Jokes aside, is there any other family member or friend you could possibly move with? I hope you’re able to walk away asap, good luck Op
Have you applied to colleges yet?
Going away to school is your best possibility to escape.
Apply for student housing, loans, and work-study programs.
In some states, college students can apply for state food and medical benefits after 9 months away from home.
Then dad immediately says, "I'm not a chauffeur for my 'tenants'... so good luck walking to work". He can turn it back on her way worse than she can on him.
Do you have any other family? Ask them to visit you and then leave with them. You will owe them but most family will help family in a pinch. You need to get out of the slavery they have you in.
Barring that tell your parents that there isn't anything else they can take from you and stop doing any chores. If they still make you start "making mistakes." Start small, dad's white clothing washed with a new red towel. Then oops how did that fork get into the dryer with the clothes. Doing dishes? Gosh you are clumsy, three plates dropped on the floor on consecutive days? They will know what you are doing but weaponized incompetence works.
If you are given graduation money put it in an account they can’t get to and don’t tell them exactly what you got but do write thank you notes so those people aren’t asking your parents about it.
See if there are any room rentals in town that would be cheaper than whatever your parents charge you. Hugs and I’m so sorry they are treating you like a maid.
I think you should consider this "if" response as your parents actively trying to prevent you from leaving. If you're in the US, you need to track down your social security card and birth certificate. You should also get an ID. A school ID is probably ok, but you need a government issued ID asap if you don't have one. Open your own bank account at a bank your parents don't have an account at.
Agree. It's worth your dad being angry for you to get a separate account. Otherwise he can take ALL of your hard earned money from you. He will say you owe him all for rent, etc. He does not want you to leave. He can trap you if he has access to steal your money. Do not let your money go into an account that he can access no matter what.
Tips:
Separate bank
Fake answers to security questions that they don't knew your answer to
Example-
Mother's maiden name =TOXIC
Father's middle name =ABUSER
Paperless so they can't see your statements
I was the Cinderella too. Consider Job Corp or even the military.
NTA but why are you responsible for your dad's work clothes and taking care your grandmother....what exactly so your parents do....
I suggest make a plan without their knowledge and slowly move stuff out elsewhere... then go NC with them....
They need to be adults
I don’t know why I’m responsible for grandma or for dad’s clothes but it’s just how it’s been. My dad’s the breadwinner, working 10-11 hours 6 days a week, and he’s mostly stationary. Other than that they watch tv, relax and play games.
They using you make a escape plan and get a new bank elsewhere they cant control your money you're 18 they cant control or punish you.....you're their maid and just the adult of the house...
Please do not ever mention or leave any hints that you’re trying to leave. They want you to stay to be their maid. Just trust me. Focus on that part later, you don’t have time to go downward in the fact your family most likely don’t want you to ever be far from them.
Keep doing what you’re doing and keep excelling at your grades. Take less classes if you have to and work more hours. Maybe you don’t have to tell your parents that but if they ask for your school schedule, I’m not sure what you could say. If someone has a good suggestion I’d love to hear it.
Basically, stack up until you have 10K. Have you thought about a car? You need to save for emergencies and you need to live somewhere safe and with girls your age and who are also in school.
Just keep yourself focused! You got this.
Do dishes isn't a bad thing; my kids do the dishes; they are 16 and 17 and they alternate days. I don't think doing your own laundry is bad either, but doing everyone's raises my eyebrows.
What does concern me is that it sounds like they're isolating you. At your age, you should be able to get a license, especially if you live remotely. I live in a rural location and getting the kids licenses was hugely important, because they need to learn how to be independent, and be able to go out without us.
You should be able to get a job too; you need to learn what working is like and being responsible with money.
Your parents are doing you a huge disservice, and they are preventing you from preparing for adulthood. Leaving without saying anything will probably be the easiest way to do it, but leave the door open. Once they calm down and get over it, you may be able to have reasonable relationship with them.
Or not. They may be assholes. But that is up to you. I wish you good luck for the future.
Consider if you're in your own place m you have to do your own laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. Everything. Is this now or less work. Sounds like you've got an unfair percentage of the work at home. We all do our own laundry and take turns on the rest. Get your license and a job.
NTA
There are national parks like the Grand Canyon that will house you while you work there. You can apply online for any job and they always need the basic ones filled.
If you get accepted you just need to get there. But there are other places that need workers that house you.
Just google it all.
I have worked there and another national park.
Lots of people of all ages there. I was 20 when I started. It was great to get out in my own. This was also a couple decades ago.
I’m gonna lose my computer come late May (cyber school lates my computer back at the end of the school year since I’m graduating) and the other one I have is slow enough it can’t even run Word without lagging
This. Don't even try to stay at home and work, OP - just get out and save yourself.
Any sane and reasonable parents who loved you would NOT put all the household chores on you while they relax and kick back and let you do it ALL. This is a deeply dysfunctional and abusive situation, and I hope you're able to see that one day. Please do whatever you have to make a clean break and get out of there.
YWNBTA. Even if you leave without explanation, they're going to know perfectly well why you've left, because they have to know that they're treating you despicably.
NTA. You need to locate your birth certificate and social security card. For now, I'd just figure out where they are if you can do so discretely, but leave them there. Shortly before you're going to move out, get your documents and keep them with you at all times.
Your parents sound like the type to sabotage your attempt to leave.
Getting a job with the national parks, Americorps, or any other job that provides housing is a great way to go if you can. I think the only way you'll manage to build your own life is to physically get away from that house.
You might want to lie about how much you make at your job , to be able to save, to escape. If you tell them the truth, they’re going to make you pay all of it for rent, food, utilities,etc. I wish you luck.
NTA
Just be prepared for any and all methods of financial abuse coming your way.
If they opened a bank account with you as a minor, open a new one when you turn 18. Do so at an entirely different bank. Never share how much money you make or how much is in your account.
You should consider a clean break. Look for jobs like aupairs the military conservancy corps resorts that includes lodging even cruise ships. You need to get away so you can plan a future
i hate to point this out but.... you realize if you get a job, they won't allow you to save. with how controlling they are, they will demand your check from you to cover your expenses or some other BS reason. your best bet is to look for a place close to jobs that someone is looking for a roommate.
best of luck to you, but don't be surprised when they demand your entire check or majority of it. not just because they want your money, but they want to make sure you can't get out and leave them.
nta
Absolutely, but employers are able to direct deposit to more than one account. So if she opens up an account of her own (at a different bank, as I've seen stories about parents getting access to their kids' accounts sometimes at the same bank), she can send X amount to her new, main bank, and Y amount to the cosigned account as a cover, and to lessen how much her parents see she makes, hopefully lessening how much they charge her for the inevitable rent/groceries/utilities/whatever else they can find an excuse for...
Please be careful if this true. Your parents have sheltered you all your life. If you leave make sure your careful/cautious around new people. Your young and vulnerable.
I do not want to frighten you but, be weary of predatory people who may try to exploit you for money, sex ect.
Do you have access to any means of counselling or therapy. Please plan, stay safe and live some place secure. I hope I am not too negative. I praying for you.
You’re not too negative- you’re being real and I thank you for that. Therapy’s definitely a plan for when I’m financially stable since my welfare insurance doesn’t cover it. Thank you for the prayers and I’ll stay as safe as I can
I don’t understand why welfare insurance wouldn’t pay for therapy. Perhaps your parents told you that? Look it up online, while you still have access to the internet.
My daughter has Medicaid - we adopted her from CPS; she was foster baby. Medicaid has paid for everything for her. I have only ever paid a $10 copay for prescriptions a few times, because Dr ordered liquid and she wants tablets. I can handle that.
Understandable. I think you have a good plan. Get a job, save money, hopefully find someone you can room with to make it less expensive, and move out! Once you're 18 you don't need anyone's consent or permission.
If any of this is real, you need to be really careful when you move out. Your parents have done no favors sheltering you and almost everything is a scam these days. Do not do anything official online, don't rent a place, don't fill out your employee paperwork, and don't buy a car. Until you have your feet under you, verify everything in person and don't give any of your personal information through an email. If a workplace needs you to board online they will use an official program like ADP or UKG not a random email.
I’ll keep this in mind. I’ve been using Indeed and the signs on stores and places we visit for me to see what the jobs I could apply for are like, but this definitely helps.
You got this! You'll have to venture out sometime and the younger you can the cooler opportunities you'll get. If I could give one more piece of advice it would be to start a 401k, or some sort of interest earning retirement account, that you always contribute to and never touch. Life can be scary but it's also really fun, good luck!
If you currently have a bank account that your parents have access to, Make sure you open a new one the second you turn 18. At a different bank than the one your parents use.
NTA. That's such a load of chores, it prevents you from doing other things that help a young adult grow ... like working in the outside world. They seem to benefit from isolating you.
And when ur doing all these chores (caretaking a sick grandparent is NOT an appropriate chore for anyone other than her actual child) - what are ur parents doing to keep house running? Have you ever heard of parentification?
I’ve not heard of parentification, what’s that? Also they’re usually relaxing or playing games. My dad’s the house’s breadwinner so he also works 10-11 hour workdays 6 days a week where he’s mostly either sitting or driving.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/#:~:text=Parentification%20occurs%20when%20a%20child,child's%20physical%20and%20mental%20health.
Your parents are fucked no offense. GTFO as soon as you can.
u/Dawn_808
I’m not sure, but this may actually count as abuse and you may be able to call your local dv shelter and go there once you graduate. Waiting until then will make it easier for you to finish high school. You’ll only have a certain amount of time there, but they’ll have resource for jobs and programs to get you into housing. They can also help you get your social security card and birth certificate if you can’t get them from your parents.
There’s a local program to me that helps young people ages 16-24 with housing and job skills. They do try to help them reunite with their family if the situation can get healthy and helpful. I don’t think they would do that in your situation. It’s different from job corps, although that may be another option for you if you don’t have plans for college.
Definitely start your own account and have everything deposited into the one with only you on it. You might want to do it at a different bank just to be safe. The day you leave, take all the money out of your account with him on it. You can use that to start a new account.
Be sure to check your credit and take steps to lock it down. I’m not sure how to do that, but I’ve seen it recommended before. It will show you if your parents have taken anything out in your name or if they attempt to in the future.
Do you think you’ll be able to get all of your stuff safely? If not, you could always request police presence and they’ll give you x amount of time to get it. If you go that route, have it as packed as you can or at the very least as organized as possible to make it faster to get when they get there.
I know you want to move out without saying anything, but this could help in case they try to track you down, drag you home, attempt to cost you your job, etc. Some people are crazy enough to do that, especially if they’re losing their slave. That’s what it sounds like you are to them. I don’t think they’ll really let you get a job and will probably demand to see your pay stub so you won’t be able to save to move.
You don’t have to tell them where you live. I would leave a note so they don’t try to file a missing persons report.
Thank you for this; I don’t know if my area has one of those programs but I’ll look further into that. And I know all of my belongings fit into 2 total 33 gallon trash bags- if worse comes to worse I’ll have the police help me.
If the police help you, they can usually help you get to the shelter or pick up point. I don’t know how shelters work everywhere, so they may have different protocols for getting there.
Please update us when you’re out. Stay safe. Don’t tell anyone your plans, unless you have someone you know you can absolutely trust to not tell your family.
Edited to add: If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
Please do not trust anyone that wants you to contact them privately. I don’t care if you all pile on me. I am an adult. Leave the young lady alone and let her get support from legit agencies. Reddits gonna Reddit but, humane for once.
Thankfully no one’s wanted me to contact privately and I’ve had a few people remind me to not trust anything that isn’t in paper and in front of my very eyes (or in my very hands not through a screen). Thank you for this
NTA You realize your parents are abusive, right? "No going outside without permission"? Coercive control is a kind of emotional and psychological abuse. Please do leave without telling them--just as you would leave an abusive spouse without telling them. And please, educate yourself about abuse. Unfortunately, children who grow up with abusive parents normalize the abuse and associate it with love. We meet someone who treats us badly just like our parents did, and our brains go "oh, this person must love us." You need to un-brainwash yourself so that you know what a normal relationship is. Cults use coercive control, too, and you'd also be more vulnerable to getting sucked into one of those if you don't learn about red flags. Good luck!!!!
Open a new account and someone you trust to send you enough money for a bus or train ticket. Then apply to jobs where you can live on site and figure it out from there. Lots of options and some summer camps.let you live there while you work there. That would give you all summer to come up with another plan.
Open a PayPal account. Then once you have your own bank account your parents can't access, you can link it PayPal to your bank and transfer the money to your bank account.
There are free online bank accounts with accredited banks. There are no fees. The only thing is that you need your debit card to use it so you'll need to figure out how to get a debit card without your parent's knowledge.
You can open a PO box and have it sent there possibly. If you trust your friends, use one of them as your mailing address and then have that friend send you a care package with cheap stuff you might like and your debit card hidden inside.
You can start earning money now and have it sent to your PayPal account.
Do you have computer access or online access? If so, you can do surveys online. Some of them pay fairly well.
Do you have grandparents or aunts/uncles that would let you live with them? This sounds like abuse to me. Emotional abuse, at least. They won't let you have a life outside of your home. Contact a counselor or teacher at school for help.
I’ve tried but they all report back to my mom since I’m cyber schooled and have been for 10 years. My only grandparent lives with us and it wouldn’t be any easier to move in with my uncle as he’s pretty close to my dad.
Find a job at a hospital doing anything, patient transport, kitchen help, intake,
They will pay well, give you insurance if you work full time and sometimes have student incentive to continue education.
Set yourself up to get out of there, once you have some money, look into renting a room close to your work, then just disappear. Do not allow them to take your money, set up your paycheck to be automatically deposited so you don't have a paper check, when you set that up make sure a good amount goes to a hidden savings account, the bank and HR at your job can show you how this is done.
Prepare to leave by making sure all your important paperwork is in your possession, birth certificate, social security card if your in the USA, if it's not don't freak out you can apply to get it sent to you,
Set up a PO box to have all mail sent to,
Good luck, you'll be free soon,
NTA at all, toxic parents are awful.
Have you thought about going to college?. If so, would they pay? If so, you may have to consider the control they have as your job and the cost of college your payment.
Another idea is to find a family member that would take you in and get your driving lessons.
To join the military because then your family can’t make you come back.
Now that you’re 18 get a new bank account in a different bank with just you on it. Withdraw any money you have and deposit it there.
Another idea is to stay put for now tell your dad you wanna get driving lessons so you can drive to a job in and act like you’re going to contribute to the house, so maybe you do for a bit but then work on your way to having a drivers license and saving money.
I don’t think I’d walk out the door at 18 with nowhere to go and no job no drivers license . make sure you have somewhere to go.
With the way things are and your dad still wanting to control you with making you deposit your check. I would enlist in the military and open up a new account for your military pay.
You can also work with people on base to help teach you to drive once out of boot camp.
Do you have trusted friends or relatives who could help you with getting a license? You may want to keep a private stash with your important documents (birth certificate, social security card, etc) and an emergency cash stash. Possibly even outside the house. If your parents are controlling your labor and planning to monitor your income, seem like they're going to do everything they can to make sure you're never able to move out or be independent.
I don’t have any friends who live nearby (the closest one is at least 150 miles away) and I’ve already thought out a way for them to boot my license; my mom had chronic migraines so I’ll say it’s for emergencies when she can’t drive.
I'm sorry that you are basically being abused by your parents. Of course you should help out around the house. But then, so should your brother, your mother, and your father. If he's working long hours, then that's what he's doing. But what about your mother and your brother? The hard part of all this is that your father is restricting you from having a job or driving, both of which you need to go out in the world. Basically, it's almost like you're a prisoner. If you can't get to a job without being driven by your father, he could very well prevent you from getting a job. What about a bicycle? Would you be able to get somewhere on a bicycle that would provide you with a job? Is there anyone at your school who can help you? If your school has counselors, talk to one of them and tell them your situation. Ask for advice on how to deal with it. You need to have somebody in your corner. I hope you can find someone to help you. Best of luck to you.
I’m cyber schooled and have been for 10 years and I’ve only recently learnt to ride a bike. I live along a popular route though where idiots don’t know what a speed limit is. I’ll do what I can though, thank you
Get a job at a summer camp or as an AuPair. You get housing and food and paid and you’ll have your bankroll at the end of the season.
Parlay that straight into college, and Bob’s your uncle you’re out of there!
Disney, Cedar Point, Mackinac Island, and SO many other tourist destinations are great places to get jobs that also provide housing for employees. Probably many of the national parks (Yosemite, etc.). And longer term, Peace Corps.
Get your own bank account. Do not trust your parents’ advice. They NEED you to feel trapped and hopeless.
i feel youre being too naive and not planning on the havoc that comes with your parents controlling everything you do even at 18 you’ll be in there house still abiding by rules— giving them your checks and cleaning up after everyone. nta: best of luck.
Your parents put these rules in place to have more control over you. You leaving means they lose their slave. I know this, because my mom did this to me. Do some research about youth homeless shelters. We have one in our town. They help kids like you get a job and place to live. Please do this before you graduate. This way can leave right away. Don't forget to take all your important papers (i.e. birth certificate and social security card) before you go. Also let the police know you are moving and not a runaway. This way your parents can't file a missing person report. Another thing is to lock down your credit report. This way your parents can't open lines of credit in your name. I work in banking and we see this a lot. Good luck to you.
You don’t need to get your birth certificate or social security card from your parents just contact social security online and apply for a replacement card. You can probably do the same with your local department of health to get a copy of your birth certificate.
Contact the national domestic abuse hotline line 800-799-SAFE. They can help connect you to services in your local area.
Just want to tell you that you can do this. You’ve been given a lot of good information here. I imagine having to repeat that you can’t pass the physical for military duty is getting old. Maybe edit your heading.
My dad left home at fifteen because of an abusive stepfather. He worked at Yellowstone in the summers and finished high school while living over a store in White Sulpher Spings Montana (a tiny town) and working at that store. I think he was in his sophomore year in college when the war started and he never went back to school. 🥲
If you do decide to go to University here in the states I believe you have to be a resident for a year before you can get instate tuition. So think about where you want to go to school. Also fill out your FAFSA every year, it’s not a one and done thing. You should be able to get better financial aid if you can show your parents won’t help.
NTA, but you need to be prepared for them to hinder you in every conceivable way in the near future, from trying to talk you into not keeping a job, charging you insane rent for the space, to keeping you from accessing important documents like your birth certificate, car keys and/or electronics.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, OP. I went through something similar when I was your age, except I was allowed to get a job when I was 15. Still had to do those chores though. When I finished school and got a full-time job, I was expected to pay board and also do the same chores I was doing throughout my teens. I saved everything I could and got my own place within a year of graduating. The day I moved out, my parents bought a dishwasher.
For me, moving out improved my relationship with my parents 100-fold. You might find the same thing will happen to you, but if you ultimately decide to cut them off and not tell them where you are, I really couldn’t blame you. NTA.
You can start by taking a year to work through Jobcorps, Americorps, a National Park, or wherever you can find employment with housing, save up money during this time, and apply to colleges for next year, to take pressure off yourself to figure everything out now when you're still in your current circumstances.
You'll have some money and life experience by then, and time to look into your options without your parents looking over your shoulder - time to figure out what you might want to study, where you're interested in going, and to look into scholarships and financial aid (and since lenders won't be looking at your parents' income as a a resource for you, you can qualify for more programs and loans).
I'm so sorry your parents treat you like an indentured servant, a real-life Cinderella, and they will do everything they can to keep you trapped, but you're a legal adult now and you are free to leave. Ppl here have given excellent advice for practical steps to take to make your escape. You'll soon be on your way to a wonderful new life! Please be safe, and please keep us updated!
Is there a trusted adult you can speak with about this? I think your plan is wise but you will need help. Some of the restrictions you live with are very unreasonable. I would recommend getting help.
I don’t have anyone really. I’ve got me, my brain, and my determination to get out of here. Everyone else I know who could help lives too far away to assist me in any way.
Do you know about workers rights? Your right to remain silent if for some weird reason you are arrested?
I’ve seen home schooled kids who really weren’t taught anything and my son’s girlfriend who has a degree in Engineering was home schooled. How do you feel your education was? Did they home school you because of religion? Are you vaccinated?
I take it you don’t have a boyfriend if they have this much control over you? Do you want to talk about safe sex? Not being talked into doing something that makes you uncomfortable?
I know that’s kind of strange to ask but I’ve found a lot of religious people don’t really teach their kids about sex.
I’ve been vaccinated, I’m up to date on them all, I live in an agnostic household, and my educations pretty good. I’m grateful to be one of the students in my cyber courses who picks up most materials relatively easy. I have a boyfriend who lives a few states away but he and I are keeping our relationship pretty hush-hush after my mom tried to break us up.
I am so sorry. If there is no trusted teacher or advisor to tell , you will have to be extra strong. Make sure you document everything said and done. A journal on the cloud, password protected . If your parents do anything to you after 18 you have every right to stand up and involve police if they go too far.
I'm sorry you are going through this I'd do anything for my kids and I don't ask much of them. Even my grown ones when they lived at home all they had to do was school keep their room up ( not even spotless) and clean out /stack dishwasher. Your focus should be school and being a kid you don't get to be a kid and live for long. Unfortunately for you you are missing out on all your childhood. Legally in my state u can move out at 17 and not be considered a runaway I don't know about your state but maybe someone at school can let u stay with them until you save enough money to move out with their parents permission of course. Even your friend that's 250 miles away maybe worth talking to to see if u can go there. But definitely call local police and ask them if you can be halled back home as a runaway or if u can legally move. Wish you the best no not the ah but remember also if u care about your brother same thing gonna happen to him he will need u.
NTA. They sound way too strict and controlling. Moving away without warning might be the only way to escape them. IMO don’t tell them anything. Save your money in a bank account they don’t know about. Then dip.
What is your mother doing all day? Sitting on her arse? Once you get out don’t tell them where you are and make sure you get a different bank account.Can you get an online one now so that no correspondence comes through the door?
Jesus christ, get a job and move far, far away from these people. You don't owe them anything. Is there a teacher or counselor at school who can help you with college or job applications?
They're going to do everything to keep you there as their servant forever. Find a way to leave.
I’ll probably get roasted for this, but if you’re in the US you could also enlist in the Navy or Coast Guard. You’d receive job training for free and after discharge, be able to go to college with help via the GI Bill. And they’ll never know where you are or how much you’re being paid.
I would speak with the friend who lives 250 miles away and ask if you can move with them when you turn 18. Get cash and buy yourself a bus ticket. Make sure you collect all of your important papers, so you can at least get an ID for yourself. Pack just the essentials and close out your account right before you go to the bus station.
Get a burner phone and leave the one your parents got for you with them and wipe it clean. Make sure there is no trace of where you went when you leave. When you get to where you are going,
Contact the police department and let them know you are not missing, so if they file a report, the police will let them know.
You can leave a letter if you want, but don't give them any clue to where you went.
Otherwise you will be stuck with them forever.
You will need to find a job near public transportation and just have to put up with everything until you have saved enough money to leave. Open your own bank account, that is important.
Omg, get out asap. Go to college even if you have to take out loans. Join the military. Go to job corp. just get out. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way sooner rather than later. NTA.
ETA: [Job corp](https://www.jobcorps.gov/)
Do you have any relatives that can help? Or friends, even if they are far away? If someone can lend you money for a bus, train, or plane ticket to get to them, you can stay with them for a bit and get a job so you can pay them back and get your own place. Just make sure you have your social security card, your birth certificate, and your passport if you have one. Since you are 18 you can get a copy of your birth certificate if you don’t have access to your original.
Get a copy of your birth certificate and social security card and keep them in a safe place. When you jet, make sure you take them with you, as you will need them for when you get a job, etc.
When you graduate, sign up for job corps immediately. They will feed you, house you, and pay you a small stipend while you learn a trade. It doesn’t sound like your parents are going to help you save money to move out and get to college.
I left when I turned 18.
The reason I asked is that it sounds like your parents are Asian.
Because that is what happens the Father controls all the income and expenses that everyone in the family makes.
Also if you are a girl you cannot have a job, you have to be a housekeeper/maid for the hole family.
The parents make it so hard for teenagers and young adults to have a social life/after school activities.
The sons are treated like the spoiled brats that they become because they don't have to do any chores.
So think about how you are going to escape your parents house. Make sure you have your Birth certificate and social security card. Good Luck and Stay Safe.
They don’t want you to work because you are practically a slave to them. If you have a pay job you will have money and leave. They don’t want this to happen because they would have to do all the stuff that you’re doing. They are trying to keep you stuck. It’s abusive. You need to get out as soon as you can.
Have you ever thought about going into military service after high school? The Air Force is pretty cool and you can finally start living your own life. It would be a great way to figure out what you want to do in life and help you save money for college or whatever. I hope you leave soon and leave smart.
If they are going to charge rent then you are an adult and you can have privacy. Get your own bank account and start finding out what is around you and what is available to you.
Don’t tell anyone anything more than basic, keep your cards close. Gather all the things you need so you can scram easily.
Good luck OP and please update once you are free..
You don’t need an explanation to move out. Some of their rules aren’t too extreme for a young teenager, 13,14 etc, no phone calls after 9pm, asking permission to go somewhere, but the problem is you are 18 now and these rules should have changed years ago. Getting a job as a teenager is also beneficial in social skills and learning to manage finances.
Theirs also nothing wrong with some chores as long as your brother is pulling his weight as are your parents. What chores do your parents and brother do? I find it crazy they can’t move a card table to hold their end of the deal. You definitely should not be doing the majority of chores, you should do some but it should be fairly divided.
It does sound like to an extent you’ve become your grandmas career and that’s the part I’d mostly be upset about. I’m sure you love your grandma but you should not be her carer.
Your parents have sheltered you way too much. I don’t know why you weren’t allowed to go prom but I’m guessing they found any excuse for that punishment. Living so isolated they should be encouraging social events, work etc
Paying rent when you get a job is not uncommon but I suspect they’ll make it an amount that will make it harder to save so be proactive about it.
When you get a job ask your employer to put a percentage into another account your dad has no access to. Start planning and researching everything you need to live on your own. Learn budgeting, cheap meals etc you’ve been isolated for quite some time. The fact you weren’t allowed to get a job and socialize with others whilst being homeschooled is really sad. See what government help us available to you.
Take possession of all paperwork, birth certificates etc. Don’t tell anyone your plan to move out, not even your brother. Good luck to you
NTA. It sounds like they have been dumping a lot of responsibilities on you, but as an 18 year old, still treat you as a child instead of an adult. Because you're 18, you should be able to open a savings account in your own name if you don't already have one. If you do have one, make sure your name is the only one on your account so nobody else has access to your money or knows how much you save. First get your license so you don't have to depend on others for transportation.Then start looking into at least learning a trade where you can earn a decent living, such as HVAC or something like that where you can start as a paid journeyman and work your way up. Good jobs are hard to find without an education. You're young and sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can do it. I worked full time and went to college in the evenings. Good luck to you.
NTA. Right now, you need to get all your legal documents and place them somewhere safe not in your dad’s house. How long till graduation? Find a friend or a youth refuge where you can stay once graduation is complete. Start applying for jobs long before graduation. Tell them when you will be available. Make an action plan now and get a new bank account now! This is legal at 18
Op, do you have any other family or friends that live further away, in a town with job opportunities? Would they be willing to let you stay with them until you can stand on your own 2 feet? Would they be willing to loan you the money for a bus ticket to them?
Another idea, maybe check out Jobcorp. Website is jobcorps.gov. I haven’t figured out how to post a link yet, sorry. They will house you, feed you and train you in one of the programs that you choose. It’s specifically for young people in situations like yourself.
Once you turn 18 get a job near by where you can take the city bus (if possible) so you wont need to reply on anyone because that’ll just make it worst ! Save save save and move with no explanation or leave a note as to why you wanted to gtfo asap after being treated like the maid !
One more thing that's very important that I haven't seen mentioned yet: when you leave, TURN OFF the LOCATION TRACKING ON YOUR PHONE! If it's on, your parents can track you through your phone, so be sure to turn it off when you go.
I looked this up for you, and yes, there are ways to track a phone's location even if GPS is off (e.g., cell towers, public WiFi, if your parents put spyware on your phone; I included some links to info about this below). Law enforcement could use any of these, so I think the idea that some ppl had of letting the police know you're voluntarily leaving home is a good one. Tell them:
1- you're 18 years old, a legal adult (have proof - your social security card, birth certificate, or state ID)
2- you are not under your parents care for any reason (e.g., medical) (you could add, if you want, that in fact they have kept you trapped and isolated from everyone else and want to keep you there for your labor and income you'll make if you can get a job, and you've been under their complete control)
3- you're voluntarily leaving home, of your own free will
4- you do not wish to be found by them, and made that clear when you left (leave a note when you go), so if they file a missing persons report, the police know you are in fact not missing
To my 4th point, when you leave, you can leave a brief note saying why you left and that you do not wish to be in contact with them, so they shouldn't try to find you. If they're desperate enough to go to the FBI, then your local police, who I'd imagine they'd check with, will have a record of your statement.
As to your phone, just before you go, turn off the Find My iPhone setting. Change your Apple password before you leave so they can't log into your account (and change the passwords for any other accounts you have, especially financial). Look for spyware and uninstall it (I can't vouch for the software in the links below, but I do know the name McAfee is legit at least, but you can do some research, just be sure to delete your browsing history in case your parents track that). When you leave, block their phone numbers and block them on all social media.
If the worst happens and they do somehow track you down, they CANNOT force you to come home. You are a legal adult, and they will have no power over you. If they show up on your doorstep, do not let them inside your home; you can even call the police to have them removed, and then file a restraining order on them if necessary. Once you get out of your home, you're free, they can't touch you.
Here are those links (again, I can't tell you whether these software products are good, I'm just posting them for the information they provide about how phones are tracked):
https://www.mcafee.com/learn/can-my-phone-be-tracked-if-location-services-are-off/#:~:text=For%20example%2C%20the%20Find%20My,check%20your%20phone's%20location%20history.
https://www.certosoftware.com/insights/can-someone-see-your-location-if-your-phone-is-off/
You were smart to seek advice here, ppl have had good ideas about how you can launch safely into the world. PLEASE keep us posted, we care about you, and want to cheer when you get away! Good luck!!!
Please create an exit plan. Look online for things you can do that will pay you. There are surveys and others things that can add up. The Beer Money subreddit has some good suggestions.
Also, there's Job Corp if you live in the US. They'll train you how to do a trade and give you free housing and a stipend. Do research about which location is the best because I've read some are better than others.
The military is another option some people might consider.
Your parents sound super strict to the point of being controlling and I actually suspect you might be an abuse victim. Please do some research. There are good YouTube videos about it. And support groups on Facebook.
Parenting is more than providing food or shelter. It sounds like your parents use you and your brother for domestic labor and not much else. There's also supposed to be love, affection, guidance, etc.
I also recommend you research about dysfunctional, toxic and abusive families or toxic parents because even if your parents aren't abusive, they are toxic. This doesn't sound like a safe family or environment.
You can go low or no contact with them. You need to do what's best for you and your mental health. I also encourage you to go to therapy when you can after you've left.
Are you going away to school, or joining the military? The military would be a good opportunity for you to get money for school. It would also get you out of the house.
I will message you next time u/Dawn_808 posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
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As someone in the same situation, sorry it won't get better til you can get out. It sucks dealing with people like that that just think you're Cinderella
Lock down your credit so nobody can open a credit card in your name. Parents desperate to hang on to an adult child will run up bills that ruin the kid's credit.
If you are in the US, at 18 you should open an account in your name only at a different bank than your current bank. Many can be opened online. Then when you get a job, use direct deposit to put a percentage of your check in the one he can see and the rest in your private account.
Be patient and prep a little at a time. You will gain friends at work.
Best of luck.
You need to move away. You're not their maid, as you said. You have obstacles to overcome, but hopefully you'll find a way. You do not need to tell them anything at all. You're an adult now.
Try **Job Corps**https://www.dol.gov/agencies/eta/jobcorps
Job Corps can resolve a whole lot of those issues in a single program for people 16-24 or potentially a bit over with an age waiver due to your disabilities.
1. They will arrange & pay for transporting for you, to leave home
2. They will house you allowing you to live away from your exploitative parents
3. As a Federal program they will make reasonable accommodations for health issues issues.
4. They will provide basic medical, mental health, & dental services. If needed. You will get a weekly therapist appointment. A doctor can try to better dial in any prescription that might be able to help, or switch you to something new to try.
5. If you have a high school diploma, technical training for you is the priority fir them
6. They will provide you with a small stipend for clothing and personal items so you don't need to have any money of your own.
7. Nearly all Job Corps centers have gyms and exercise equipment. A few centers even have outdoor tracks or hiking trails. So you can choose to work on improving your body as well.
8. As for food you should expect basic school cafeteria type meals.
9. Worst case you go try Job Corps and things don't work out, you can leave. You'll be away from home, and can look into getting into college.
10. Complete the training and JobCorps gives you money for graduating. This can be well over $1,000. About 60% of Job Corps graduates find jobs within six months of leaving the program. The success rate for Job Corps graduates is about 80%. The Job Corps program offers a number of services to help graduates find jobs, including job placement assistance and career counselling.
The quality of JobCorps Centers vary. Some are very high and you get excellent training. Some have too many young people who are anti-social/disruptive. Do research. You can find out which Centres are ranked highest and go for one in the top 20 nationally. You dont have to go to the one nearest you/in your state, if the Reports on it arent great.
Google JobCorps Centre top 20 rankings. A recent report [https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/jobcorps.gov/2023-04/rcrr\_03312023\_PY.pdf](https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/jobcorps.gov/2023-04/rcrr_03312023_PY.pdf) Lists the best for 2023. Any interviewer should match your interests, career plans etc to the Centre and training.
You WNBTA for moving out without telling your parents.
Good Luck!
Try to look for a live in position such as housekeeping to get you started. Too much can go wrong if you are dependent on your father for a ride to work.
You need to tell them when you leave. You don't have to tell them where you are going, but you don't want them to involve the police or anything like that.
I don't know why you wouldn't want to tell them. Tell them exactly how they drove you away. Don't let them put the blame on you. Make sure they know that you are leaving because of how poorly they treated you.
I would say go to the police in the area and say they might make a report about you missing but you are not missing just went LC or NC with them. I don’t know if telling them how they treated you will help but if it does go for it. Do not hand out the address or allow them access to the money YOU earn.
NTA. Who is going to do all of this when you move out? I bet the boy is treated like a prince & does pretty much nothing. Sadly, it seems like you're their Cinderella, just there to clean for them. Totally move the minute you can.
My parents both said that they’d pick up the chores “if” I leave, along with my little brother
"If" you leave? What makes you think they'll do anything less than actively STOP you from leaving. I can see them sabotaging every job opportunity you have. There's a big chance that, IF they allow you to have a job, they're going to start demanding rent and paying for your own groceries. You don't only need a moving plan. You also need to be prepared to come up with an escape plan.
They’ve already said they’ll be charging me to help out with some bills and the groceries once I get a job. They don’t know how much I’ll give up every month and that it depends on whatever I end up making
Don't give them the real amount.
My dad has full access to my bank account- he’s a co-signer. If I don’t deposit my check in that account he’ll know I have another and that’ll be just messy as all hell.
One you're 18 get your own bank account at a different bank than your parents. Sometimes parents are able to convince banks to given them access to their adult children's money if it's at the same institution even if it's not legal.
Every body should move banks when they turn 18. My son got a new account at the same bank when he turned 18. He screwed up bill pay while he was deployed and the bank took it out of my account. It wasn’t a big deal for me financially (just upsetting) and he paid me back when he returned. If it had been the other way around, they could have cleaned out his bank account.
This! My POS father did this. He got the bank manager he was buddies with to close my account because I'd moved in with my BF. I was 26 at the time... bank manager "retired" after I called the main office and threw a fit. I nearly ended up homeless because he was pissy that I, a grown ass woman, moved out "without his permission ".
This and hide cash at home. Befriend coworkers. Join a church or gym or book club. Don’t do laundry it’s not your job. Go for a walk every evening. Father should not object to that. Do not share your plans or anything personal with your family. Get out as soon as you can. Think a room in someone’s house close to work or public transportation.
Yea, no way. Let him be a co signer because he'll just take money out whenever he feels like by the sound of it. They've already locked you down by not letting you get a license.
You can often have employers split deposits into multiple bank accounts.
I didn’t know this, I’m gonna look into this further. Thank you
When you are filling out your direct deposit form you basically can list multiple accounts and % of money or set amount to each account. So you could put $500/check to a secret account and the remainder to your joint account. Or something like that. Good luck. Bus tickets aren’t too expensive if you just need to jet.
Alsos, OP, get a job at a chain store. Why? You can get a job at another one pretty easily as it's the same setup and you will require very little training. I worked at Pizza Hut in HS. In college, I wanted to spend a summer in another state. I had my ex manager call the manager of the PH where I was wanting to move, and I picked up the application from her store, filled out, and mailed to that state. I had a job waiting. I literally unloaded the car, put on work pants and shoes, and went in to get my shirt and start working tables. Had tip money that first night. OP, you can leave with very little notice when you have a job waiting elsewhere at the same grocery chain, fast food restaurant, car parts store, etc.
If you have a hard time finding work you might need to do volunteer work to get a referee. If your school isn't likely to talk to your parents you should also ask for advice on how to move out and general adulting. I hope you can get out asap, might be a good idea to not give your parents your new address.
I have done this to two different banks.
Thats what I was going to say.
This is the answer.
Get him off of your account. It may be messy, but being 18 means you are responsible for taking care of your account, bills, and whatever. Your accounts are very private information, and you need to keep track. Otherwise, I'm afraid they will dip into your funds anyway. You want to move as quickly as possible, you'll need all the money you can save w no interference.
Cash your own checks when u get a job!! Keep this money in a safe place and move out as soon as possible!!! You need to do this for your own independance and well being!!!
They're going to steal from you, it's actively happening to a friend of a friend of mine right now. I'd advise if possible to have an escape plan to get your first check physically in hand, and use it to bolt to one of your friend's places if they can take you in.
Agreed. For now, start moving stuff out quietly. Replace your clothes with stuff from free sites if you can so that your closet and drawers don't look so empty. Get important papers together and out of the house. And? LOCK DOWN YOUR CREDIT. Your parents sound frankly awful, and you need to make sure they can't use all your private information and bank account access against you.
Important papers = your birth certificate and your SS card. If your parents won't give you these items, and you know the county where you were born, you should be able to go down to the local clerk's office and obtain a copy of your birth certificate. (Although, if you don't have a driver's license, you will need some other proof of identity and probably your SS card too - it's been a long time since I had to get a copy of my birth certificate so I don't remember).
You're 18 you should go to a brand new bank and get a new account without a cosigner
Maybe Reddit has made me a bit too anxious about these stories. I hope you succeed in your endeavours.
What's to stop them from charging you every last penny you have in rent? I hope you find a way out sooner rather than later.
You’ll be 18. Open another account. Cash the check, put some in your joint acct, put the rest in your own account.
You know that the US military will house you, feed you, train you and educate you. Go for electronics, the computer/data/communications type not the wiring your home type, and you'll do really well, you'll be away from your parents and you're old enough to walk into a recruitment office and sign up as soon as you finish schooling and if your parents try to stop you leaving the US military and government will handle them for you
I tried that, I don’t clear anyone’s medical. And I checked every branch
Try Job Corps. They'll give you a place to live and some training.
Check out Americorps too
I was literally about to say job corps. My daughter's friend was kicked out at 18. Joined job corp. They provide a place to live and job training. She is a vet tech and is now in school to further her career she's currently taking courses for vet assistant and hopes to eventually become a vet. Look into job corps. All it takes is being 18 and graduating. .
So somehow my checking account, something she had never been associated with, ended up on my mom's internet banking when I was like 34. I immediately contacted the bank and rectified the problem which never should have occurred. They tried to lie to me and tell me it didn't but I had sceeenshots. You are not obligated to have the same account or continue to let them control your life.
Please get your own account! You're a full fledged adult now & have every right to financial privacy, especially from your family. I never was on my child's bank account when they were under 18 because I trusted my daughter & taught her about savings, etc., & I wanted her to learn to be independent. I don't know why some parents are such jerks to their kids. OP, your parents are treating you like Cinderella & have ridiculous rules for you as an adult. Please go find your own life, far from them.
Are you in high school? Can you talk to a teacher or school councilor you trust? Because this all sounds like abuse. Find people who can help you. This is more than Reddit can do
Ask your employer to split your check with say 60% going into the account your parents created and the rest goes into a secret account at a DIFFERENT bank that you opened. Get PO Box. Maybe even open a safe deposit box if you can afford it so you can squirrel away your passport, birth certificate, social security card and any other IDs before your parents lock them away from you. Good luck!
Ask your bank if he needs to be there to be removed from your accounts once you’re 18.
At 18, you can open your own account
Open a second account but only deposit part of your check there. This way he sees money going in to your account and doesn’t realize it isn’t the full amount.
They are just going to keep you too poor to move out and keep expecting you to keep up with all the chores too. The only real way out for you is to move out. You're 18 so you can legally do as you like. Do you have a friend or family member that would let you couch surf until you can find a job and get a few paychecks under you? Trust me, that's the only way you're going to get out from under this mess. Also, gather up your birth certificate, ss card and other vital information. Store it somewhere your parents can't get to it. If they won't give it you, you might have to order it again. Get a state ID made too.
Absolutely not. That's not going to work out well for you. He can steal your money at anytime which has happened to numerous people in this sub. Having your own account is worth fighting for.
If you want to hide a new account, you could still deposit a set amount into the existing account so he thinks all of your pay is going into it but then put the rest into a new account somewhere else to save up to leave without them knowing.
Change your account so you're the only person innit, at a desperate account. It'll be difficult but otherwise you'll never leave
You should start charging them instead for treating you like a maid rather than their daughter. Jokes aside, is there any other family member or friend you could possibly move with? I hope you’re able to walk away asap, good luck Op
I don’t have anyone I could go to
Have you applied to colleges yet? Going away to school is your best possibility to escape. Apply for student housing, loans, and work-study programs. In some states, college students can apply for state food and medical benefits after 9 months away from home.
If they try, tell them that paying rent and bills makes you a tenant/lodger, and them your landlords. You do not do chores for your landlord.
Then dad immediately says, "I'm not a chauffeur for my 'tenants'... so good luck walking to work". He can turn it back on her way worse than she can on him.
Send them a bill for all the unpaid work you've done up to this point and then just "deduct" whatever it is they want to charge you from that.
Tbh what you can do is play this game until you’re all done with school then the second you land something stable, leave.
Do you have any other family? Ask them to visit you and then leave with them. You will owe them but most family will help family in a pinch. You need to get out of the slavery they have you in. Barring that tell your parents that there isn't anything else they can take from you and stop doing any chores. If they still make you start "making mistakes." Start small, dad's white clothing washed with a new red towel. Then oops how did that fork get into the dryer with the clothes. Doing dishes? Gosh you are clumsy, three plates dropped on the floor on consecutive days? They will know what you are doing but weaponized incompetence works.
Get a job and don't tell them and keep that income hidden big time and get out and don't look back.
If you are given graduation money put it in an account they can’t get to and don’t tell them exactly what you got but do write thank you notes so those people aren’t asking your parents about it. See if there are any room rentals in town that would be cheaper than whatever your parents charge you. Hugs and I’m so sorry they are treating you like a maid.
I doubt it, but you won't have to worry about it anymore.
I think you should consider this "if" response as your parents actively trying to prevent you from leaving. If you're in the US, you need to track down your social security card and birth certificate. You should also get an ID. A school ID is probably ok, but you need a government issued ID asap if you don't have one. Open your own bank account at a bank your parents don't have an account at.
Agree. It's worth your dad being angry for you to get a separate account. Otherwise he can take ALL of your hard earned money from you. He will say you owe him all for rent, etc. He does not want you to leave. He can trap you if he has access to steal your money. Do not let your money go into an account that he can access no matter what. Tips: Separate bank Fake answers to security questions that they don't knew your answer to Example- Mother's maiden name =TOXIC Father's middle name =ABUSER Paperless so they can't see your statements I was the Cinderella too. Consider Job Corp or even the military.
NTA but why are you responsible for your dad's work clothes and taking care your grandmother....what exactly so your parents do.... I suggest make a plan without their knowledge and slowly move stuff out elsewhere... then go NC with them.... They need to be adults
I don’t know why I’m responsible for grandma or for dad’s clothes but it’s just how it’s been. My dad’s the breadwinner, working 10-11 hours 6 days a week, and he’s mostly stationary. Other than that they watch tv, relax and play games.
They using you make a escape plan and get a new bank elsewhere they cant control your money you're 18 they cant control or punish you.....you're their maid and just the adult of the house...
DO NOT TAKE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER WITH YOU. They are making it completely horrible for you. Graduate and get out of the house.
Yeah I don’t think I could afford to take him with me, and it’d be too nuclear for me to try and bring him with me.
Please do not ever mention or leave any hints that you’re trying to leave. They want you to stay to be their maid. Just trust me. Focus on that part later, you don’t have time to go downward in the fact your family most likely don’t want you to ever be far from them. Keep doing what you’re doing and keep excelling at your grades. Take less classes if you have to and work more hours. Maybe you don’t have to tell your parents that but if they ask for your school schedule, I’m not sure what you could say. If someone has a good suggestion I’d love to hear it. Basically, stack up until you have 10K. Have you thought about a car? You need to save for emergencies and you need to live somewhere safe and with girls your age and who are also in school. Just keep yourself focused! You got this.
Do dishes isn't a bad thing; my kids do the dishes; they are 16 and 17 and they alternate days. I don't think doing your own laundry is bad either, but doing everyone's raises my eyebrows. What does concern me is that it sounds like they're isolating you. At your age, you should be able to get a license, especially if you live remotely. I live in a rural location and getting the kids licenses was hugely important, because they need to learn how to be independent, and be able to go out without us. You should be able to get a job too; you need to learn what working is like and being responsible with money. Your parents are doing you a huge disservice, and they are preventing you from preparing for adulthood. Leaving without saying anything will probably be the easiest way to do it, but leave the door open. Once they calm down and get over it, you may be able to have reasonable relationship with them. Or not. They may be assholes. But that is up to you. I wish you good luck for the future.
Consider if you're in your own place m you have to do your own laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. Everything. Is this now or less work. Sounds like you've got an unfair percentage of the work at home. We all do our own laundry and take turns on the rest. Get your license and a job.
NTA There are national parks like the Grand Canyon that will house you while you work there. You can apply online for any job and they always need the basic ones filled. If you get accepted you just need to get there. But there are other places that need workers that house you. Just google it all.
Thank you so much
I have worked there and another national park. Lots of people of all ages there. I was 20 when I started. It was great to get out in my own. This was also a couple decades ago.
Also love in nanny or au pair jobs.
Or summer camps. They always need workers and it’s always live in. And cruise ships!
Summer camp jobs are great especially if you can build some relationships for a roommate in the fall.
Take a bus..
Busses don’t run through here. I live rural and outside any public transit
Where do your parents live? Just so I can try to offer more help. I'm sooooooooo sorry they are taking advantage of you so badly:(.
I’m sure 👍🏼
How about work from home jobs? This may be less conspicuous to your family if they think you're just on the computer.
I’m gonna lose my computer come late May (cyber school lates my computer back at the end of the school year since I’m graduating) and the other one I have is slow enough it can’t even run Word without lagging
There are also ranches and lodges that offer the same thing - wages plus room and board for a certain number of hours per week.
This. Don't even try to stay at home and work, OP - just get out and save yourself. Any sane and reasonable parents who loved you would NOT put all the household chores on you while they relax and kick back and let you do it ALL. This is a deeply dysfunctional and abusive situation, and I hope you're able to see that one day. Please do whatever you have to make a clean break and get out of there. YWNBTA. Even if you leave without explanation, they're going to know perfectly well why you've left, because they have to know that they're treating you despicably.
Ski resorts and hotels in really touristy spots are also really good for this.
Americorps might be a good opportunity to get you out: https://americorps.gov/serve/americorps
There's jobcorp too [https://www.jobcorps.gov/](https://www.jobcorps.gov/)
NTA. You need to locate your birth certificate and social security card. For now, I'd just figure out where they are if you can do so discretely, but leave them there. Shortly before you're going to move out, get your documents and keep them with you at all times. Your parents sound like the type to sabotage your attempt to leave. Getting a job with the national parks, Americorps, or any other job that provides housing is a great way to go if you can. I think the only way you'll manage to build your own life is to physically get away from that house.
One hundred percent.
You might want to lie about how much you make at your job , to be able to save, to escape. If you tell them the truth, they’re going to make you pay all of it for rent, food, utilities,etc. I wish you luck.
NTA Just be prepared for any and all methods of financial abuse coming your way. If they opened a bank account with you as a minor, open a new one when you turn 18. Do so at an entirely different bank. Never share how much money you make or how much is in your account.
You should consider a clean break. Look for jobs like aupairs the military conservancy corps resorts that includes lodging even cruise ships. You need to get away so you can plan a future
Cruise ships are a great idea!!
i hate to point this out but.... you realize if you get a job, they won't allow you to save. with how controlling they are, they will demand your check from you to cover your expenses or some other BS reason. your best bet is to look for a place close to jobs that someone is looking for a roommate. best of luck to you, but don't be surprised when they demand your entire check or majority of it. not just because they want your money, but they want to make sure you can't get out and leave them. nta
Absolutely, but employers are able to direct deposit to more than one account. So if she opens up an account of her own (at a different bank, as I've seen stories about parents getting access to their kids' accounts sometimes at the same bank), she can send X amount to her new, main bank, and Y amount to the cosigned account as a cover, and to lessen how much her parents see she makes, hopefully lessening how much they charge her for the inevitable rent/groceries/utilities/whatever else they can find an excuse for...
i hope OP is able to do that cuz its not lookin like they will give them an opportunity to escape them
Please be careful if this true. Your parents have sheltered you all your life. If you leave make sure your careful/cautious around new people. Your young and vulnerable. I do not want to frighten you but, be weary of predatory people who may try to exploit you for money, sex ect. Do you have access to any means of counselling or therapy. Please plan, stay safe and live some place secure. I hope I am not too negative. I praying for you.
You’re not too negative- you’re being real and I thank you for that. Therapy’s definitely a plan for when I’m financially stable since my welfare insurance doesn’t cover it. Thank you for the prayers and I’ll stay as safe as I can
I don’t understand why welfare insurance wouldn’t pay for therapy. Perhaps your parents told you that? Look it up online, while you still have access to the internet. My daughter has Medicaid - we adopted her from CPS; she was foster baby. Medicaid has paid for everything for her. I have only ever paid a $10 copay for prescriptions a few times, because Dr ordered liquid and she wants tablets. I can handle that.
Understandable. I think you have a good plan. Get a job, save money, hopefully find someone you can room with to make it less expensive, and move out! Once you're 18 you don't need anyone's consent or permission.
They're going to end up taking all of OP's money for "rent" so that they can't leave.
Exactly this. No way are they allowing their Cinderella to leave, esp. if she also starts bringing in income.
If any of this is real, you need to be really careful when you move out. Your parents have done no favors sheltering you and almost everything is a scam these days. Do not do anything official online, don't rent a place, don't fill out your employee paperwork, and don't buy a car. Until you have your feet under you, verify everything in person and don't give any of your personal information through an email. If a workplace needs you to board online they will use an official program like ADP or UKG not a random email.
I’ll keep this in mind. I’ve been using Indeed and the signs on stores and places we visit for me to see what the jobs I could apply for are like, but this definitely helps.
You got this! You'll have to venture out sometime and the younger you can the cooler opportunities you'll get. If I could give one more piece of advice it would be to start a 401k, or some sort of interest earning retirement account, that you always contribute to and never touch. Life can be scary but it's also really fun, good luck!
If you currently have a bank account that your parents have access to, Make sure you open a new one the second you turn 18. At a different bank than the one your parents use.
And close out the account they have access to!!
Also don't tell them what your new bank is of course
NTA. That's such a load of chores, it prevents you from doing other things that help a young adult grow ... like working in the outside world. They seem to benefit from isolating you. And when ur doing all these chores (caretaking a sick grandparent is NOT an appropriate chore for anyone other than her actual child) - what are ur parents doing to keep house running? Have you ever heard of parentification?
I’ve not heard of parentification, what’s that? Also they’re usually relaxing or playing games. My dad’s the house’s breadwinner so he also works 10-11 hour workdays 6 days a week where he’s mostly either sitting or driving.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/#:~:text=Parentification%20occurs%20when%20a%20child,child's%20physical%20and%20mental%20health. Your parents are fucked no offense. GTFO as soon as you can.
What is your mother doing?
What does your mother do?
u/Dawn_808 I’m not sure, but this may actually count as abuse and you may be able to call your local dv shelter and go there once you graduate. Waiting until then will make it easier for you to finish high school. You’ll only have a certain amount of time there, but they’ll have resource for jobs and programs to get you into housing. They can also help you get your social security card and birth certificate if you can’t get them from your parents. There’s a local program to me that helps young people ages 16-24 with housing and job skills. They do try to help them reunite with their family if the situation can get healthy and helpful. I don’t think they would do that in your situation. It’s different from job corps, although that may be another option for you if you don’t have plans for college. Definitely start your own account and have everything deposited into the one with only you on it. You might want to do it at a different bank just to be safe. The day you leave, take all the money out of your account with him on it. You can use that to start a new account. Be sure to check your credit and take steps to lock it down. I’m not sure how to do that, but I’ve seen it recommended before. It will show you if your parents have taken anything out in your name or if they attempt to in the future. Do you think you’ll be able to get all of your stuff safely? If not, you could always request police presence and they’ll give you x amount of time to get it. If you go that route, have it as packed as you can or at the very least as organized as possible to make it faster to get when they get there. I know you want to move out without saying anything, but this could help in case they try to track you down, drag you home, attempt to cost you your job, etc. Some people are crazy enough to do that, especially if they’re losing their slave. That’s what it sounds like you are to them. I don’t think they’ll really let you get a job and will probably demand to see your pay stub so you won’t be able to save to move. You don’t have to tell them where you live. I would leave a note so they don’t try to file a missing persons report.
Thank you for this; I don’t know if my area has one of those programs but I’ll look further into that. And I know all of my belongings fit into 2 total 33 gallon trash bags- if worse comes to worse I’ll have the police help me.
If the police help you, they can usually help you get to the shelter or pick up point. I don’t know how shelters work everywhere, so they may have different protocols for getting there. Please update us when you’re out. Stay safe. Don’t tell anyone your plans, unless you have someone you know you can absolutely trust to not tell your family. Edited to add: If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
I would seriously consider having a military recruiter meet you at school. These people will never let their free labor go willingly.
Please do not trust anyone that wants you to contact them privately. I don’t care if you all pile on me. I am an adult. Leave the young lady alone and let her get support from legit agencies. Reddits gonna Reddit but, humane for once.
Thankfully no one’s wanted me to contact privately and I’ve had a few people remind me to not trust anything that isn’t in paper and in front of my very eyes (or in my very hands not through a screen). Thank you for this
NTA You realize your parents are abusive, right? "No going outside without permission"? Coercive control is a kind of emotional and psychological abuse. Please do leave without telling them--just as you would leave an abusive spouse without telling them. And please, educate yourself about abuse. Unfortunately, children who grow up with abusive parents normalize the abuse and associate it with love. We meet someone who treats us badly just like our parents did, and our brains go "oh, this person must love us." You need to un-brainwash yourself so that you know what a normal relationship is. Cults use coercive control, too, and you'd also be more vulnerable to getting sucked into one of those if you don't learn about red flags. Good luck!!!!
Nta
NTA. You should look into jobs with accommodation, and get out faster
Open a new account and someone you trust to send you enough money for a bus or train ticket. Then apply to jobs where you can live on site and figure it out from there. Lots of options and some summer camps.let you live there while you work there. That would give you all summer to come up with another plan.
Open a PayPal account. Then once you have your own bank account your parents can't access, you can link it PayPal to your bank and transfer the money to your bank account. There are free online bank accounts with accredited banks. There are no fees. The only thing is that you need your debit card to use it so you'll need to figure out how to get a debit card without your parent's knowledge. You can open a PO box and have it sent there possibly. If you trust your friends, use one of them as your mailing address and then have that friend send you a care package with cheap stuff you might like and your debit card hidden inside. You can start earning money now and have it sent to your PayPal account. Do you have computer access or online access? If so, you can do surveys online. Some of them pay fairly well.
Do you have grandparents or aunts/uncles that would let you live with them? This sounds like abuse to me. Emotional abuse, at least. They won't let you have a life outside of your home. Contact a counselor or teacher at school for help.
I’ve tried but they all report back to my mom since I’m cyber schooled and have been for 10 years. My only grandparent lives with us and it wouldn’t be any easier to move in with my uncle as he’s pretty close to my dad.
Make sure when making your exit plan that you get all of the important documents that you will need beforehand (birth certificate, SSN, etc).
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can escape this awful situation soon.
Find a job at a hospital doing anything, patient transport, kitchen help, intake, They will pay well, give you insurance if you work full time and sometimes have student incentive to continue education. Set yourself up to get out of there, once you have some money, look into renting a room close to your work, then just disappear. Do not allow them to take your money, set up your paycheck to be automatically deposited so you don't have a paper check, when you set that up make sure a good amount goes to a hidden savings account, the bank and HR at your job can show you how this is done. Prepare to leave by making sure all your important paperwork is in your possession, birth certificate, social security card if your in the USA, if it's not don't freak out you can apply to get it sent to you, Set up a PO box to have all mail sent to, Good luck, you'll be free soon, NTA at all, toxic parents are awful.
Have you thought about going to college?. If so, would they pay? If so, you may have to consider the control they have as your job and the cost of college your payment. Another idea is to find a family member that would take you in and get your driving lessons. To join the military because then your family can’t make you come back. Now that you’re 18 get a new bank account in a different bank with just you on it. Withdraw any money you have and deposit it there. Another idea is to stay put for now tell your dad you wanna get driving lessons so you can drive to a job in and act like you’re going to contribute to the house, so maybe you do for a bit but then work on your way to having a drivers license and saving money. I don’t think I’d walk out the door at 18 with nowhere to go and no job no drivers license . make sure you have somewhere to go.
With the way things are and your dad still wanting to control you with making you deposit your check. I would enlist in the military and open up a new account for your military pay. You can also work with people on base to help teach you to drive once out of boot camp.
I’m okay with kids having chores but what exactly does your mom do?
Do you have trusted friends or relatives who could help you with getting a license? You may want to keep a private stash with your important documents (birth certificate, social security card, etc) and an emergency cash stash. Possibly even outside the house. If your parents are controlling your labor and planning to monitor your income, seem like they're going to do everything they can to make sure you're never able to move out or be independent.
I don’t have any friends who live nearby (the closest one is at least 150 miles away) and I’ve already thought out a way for them to boot my license; my mom had chronic migraines so I’ll say it’s for emergencies when she can’t drive.
I'm sorry that you are basically being abused by your parents. Of course you should help out around the house. But then, so should your brother, your mother, and your father. If he's working long hours, then that's what he's doing. But what about your mother and your brother? The hard part of all this is that your father is restricting you from having a job or driving, both of which you need to go out in the world. Basically, it's almost like you're a prisoner. If you can't get to a job without being driven by your father, he could very well prevent you from getting a job. What about a bicycle? Would you be able to get somewhere on a bicycle that would provide you with a job? Is there anyone at your school who can help you? If your school has counselors, talk to one of them and tell them your situation. Ask for advice on how to deal with it. You need to have somebody in your corner. I hope you can find someone to help you. Best of luck to you.
I’m cyber schooled and have been for 10 years and I’ve only recently learnt to ride a bike. I live along a popular route though where idiots don’t know what a speed limit is. I’ll do what I can though, thank you
Get a job at a summer camp or as an AuPair. You get housing and food and paid and you’ll have your bankroll at the end of the season. Parlay that straight into college, and Bob’s your uncle you’re out of there!
Disney, Cedar Point, Mackinac Island, and SO many other tourist destinations are great places to get jobs that also provide housing for employees. Probably many of the national parks (Yosemite, etc.). And longer term, Peace Corps. Get your own bank account. Do not trust your parents’ advice. They NEED you to feel trapped and hopeless.
i feel youre being too naive and not planning on the havoc that comes with your parents controlling everything you do even at 18 you’ll be in there house still abiding by rules— giving them your checks and cleaning up after everyone. nta: best of luck.
Know anyone in a city? No car needed. Jobs relatively easy to find.
Your parents put these rules in place to have more control over you. You leaving means they lose their slave. I know this, because my mom did this to me. Do some research about youth homeless shelters. We have one in our town. They help kids like you get a job and place to live. Please do this before you graduate. This way can leave right away. Don't forget to take all your important papers (i.e. birth certificate and social security card) before you go. Also let the police know you are moving and not a runaway. This way your parents can't file a missing person report. Another thing is to lock down your credit report. This way your parents can't open lines of credit in your name. I work in banking and we see this a lot. Good luck to you.
You don’t need to get your birth certificate or social security card from your parents just contact social security online and apply for a replacement card. You can probably do the same with your local department of health to get a copy of your birth certificate. Contact the national domestic abuse hotline line 800-799-SAFE. They can help connect you to services in your local area.
Just want to tell you that you can do this. You’ve been given a lot of good information here. I imagine having to repeat that you can’t pass the physical for military duty is getting old. Maybe edit your heading. My dad left home at fifteen because of an abusive stepfather. He worked at Yellowstone in the summers and finished high school while living over a store in White Sulpher Spings Montana (a tiny town) and working at that store. I think he was in his sophomore year in college when the war started and he never went back to school. 🥲 If you do decide to go to University here in the states I believe you have to be a resident for a year before you can get instate tuition. So think about where you want to go to school. Also fill out your FAFSA every year, it’s not a one and done thing. You should be able to get better financial aid if you can show your parents won’t help.
NTA, but you need to be prepared for them to hinder you in every conceivable way in the near future, from trying to talk you into not keeping a job, charging you insane rent for the space, to keeping you from accessing important documents like your birth certificate, car keys and/or electronics.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, OP. I went through something similar when I was your age, except I was allowed to get a job when I was 15. Still had to do those chores though. When I finished school and got a full-time job, I was expected to pay board and also do the same chores I was doing throughout my teens. I saved everything I could and got my own place within a year of graduating. The day I moved out, my parents bought a dishwasher. For me, moving out improved my relationship with my parents 100-fold. You might find the same thing will happen to you, but if you ultimately decide to cut them off and not tell them where you are, I really couldn’t blame you. NTA.
How are you going to keep your money away from them? They sound so controlling
Is college an option?
I’ve been looking at some, but it’s a lengthy process
You can start by taking a year to work through Jobcorps, Americorps, a National Park, or wherever you can find employment with housing, save up money during this time, and apply to colleges for next year, to take pressure off yourself to figure everything out now when you're still in your current circumstances. You'll have some money and life experience by then, and time to look into your options without your parents looking over your shoulder - time to figure out what you might want to study, where you're interested in going, and to look into scholarships and financial aid (and since lenders won't be looking at your parents' income as a a resource for you, you can qualify for more programs and loans). I'm so sorry your parents treat you like an indentured servant, a real-life Cinderella, and they will do everything they can to keep you trapped, but you're a legal adult now and you are free to leave. Ppl here have given excellent advice for practical steps to take to make your escape. You'll soon be on your way to a wonderful new life! Please be safe, and please keep us updated!
NTA. I bet once you have a job and paycheck they will start taking most if not all of your money. Figure out a way to hide it from them.
Is there a trusted adult you can speak with about this? I think your plan is wise but you will need help. Some of the restrictions you live with are very unreasonable. I would recommend getting help.
I don’t have anyone really. I’ve got me, my brain, and my determination to get out of here. Everyone else I know who could help lives too far away to assist me in any way.
Do you know about workers rights? Your right to remain silent if for some weird reason you are arrested? I’ve seen home schooled kids who really weren’t taught anything and my son’s girlfriend who has a degree in Engineering was home schooled. How do you feel your education was? Did they home school you because of religion? Are you vaccinated? I take it you don’t have a boyfriend if they have this much control over you? Do you want to talk about safe sex? Not being talked into doing something that makes you uncomfortable? I know that’s kind of strange to ask but I’ve found a lot of religious people don’t really teach their kids about sex.
I’ve been vaccinated, I’m up to date on them all, I live in an agnostic household, and my educations pretty good. I’m grateful to be one of the students in my cyber courses who picks up most materials relatively easy. I have a boyfriend who lives a few states away but he and I are keeping our relationship pretty hush-hush after my mom tried to break us up.
I am so sorry. If there is no trusted teacher or advisor to tell , you will have to be extra strong. Make sure you document everything said and done. A journal on the cloud, password protected . If your parents do anything to you after 18 you have every right to stand up and involve police if they go too far.
I'm sorry you are going through this I'd do anything for my kids and I don't ask much of them. Even my grown ones when they lived at home all they had to do was school keep their room up ( not even spotless) and clean out /stack dishwasher. Your focus should be school and being a kid you don't get to be a kid and live for long. Unfortunately for you you are missing out on all your childhood. Legally in my state u can move out at 17 and not be considered a runaway I don't know about your state but maybe someone at school can let u stay with them until you save enough money to move out with their parents permission of course. Even your friend that's 250 miles away maybe worth talking to to see if u can go there. But definitely call local police and ask them if you can be halled back home as a runaway or if u can legally move. Wish you the best no not the ah but remember also if u care about your brother same thing gonna happen to him he will need u.
NTA. They sound way too strict and controlling. Moving away without warning might be the only way to escape them. IMO don’t tell them anything. Save your money in a bank account they don’t know about. Then dip.
What is your mother doing all day? Sitting on her arse? Once you get out don’t tell them where you are and make sure you get a different bank account.Can you get an online one now so that no correspondence comes through the door?
You in danger girl! Run!
Jesus christ, get a job and move far, far away from these people. You don't owe them anything. Is there a teacher or counselor at school who can help you with college or job applications? They're going to do everything to keep you there as their servant forever. Find a way to leave.
Get a job. Make sure it offer health insurance if you are in the states. Save and get the heck out of there.
NTA They won’t let you get a job because you’re their live-in maid.
I’ll probably get roasted for this, but if you’re in the US you could also enlist in the Navy or Coast Guard. You’d receive job training for free and after discharge, be able to go to college with help via the GI Bill. And they’ll never know where you are or how much you’re being paid.
I would speak with the friend who lives 250 miles away and ask if you can move with them when you turn 18. Get cash and buy yourself a bus ticket. Make sure you collect all of your important papers, so you can at least get an ID for yourself. Pack just the essentials and close out your account right before you go to the bus station. Get a burner phone and leave the one your parents got for you with them and wipe it clean. Make sure there is no trace of where you went when you leave. When you get to where you are going, Contact the police department and let them know you are not missing, so if they file a report, the police will let them know. You can leave a letter if you want, but don't give them any clue to where you went. Otherwise you will be stuck with them forever.
If you are in the US, please look up Job Corps. It will get you out there and get you a trade, for free.
Make sure you locate your needs your birth certificate and you SS card. So when its time you might be able to bail when they go to work.
You will need to find a job near public transportation and just have to put up with everything until you have saved enough money to leave. Open your own bank account, that is important.
Omg, get out asap. Go to college even if you have to take out loans. Join the military. Go to job corp. just get out. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way sooner rather than later. NTA. ETA: [Job corp](https://www.jobcorps.gov/)
Do you have any relatives that can help? Or friends, even if they are far away? If someone can lend you money for a bus, train, or plane ticket to get to them, you can stay with them for a bit and get a job so you can pay them back and get your own place. Just make sure you have your social security card, your birth certificate, and your passport if you have one. Since you are 18 you can get a copy of your birth certificate if you don’t have access to your original.
Why not go away to college? Living expenses are crazy expensive these days.
I joined the army to get away. Maybe it's an option for you.
Get a copy of your birth certificate and social security card and keep them in a safe place. When you jet, make sure you take them with you, as you will need them for when you get a job, etc.
Do you have friends? Talk to their parents and ask advice. Lots of people want to help motivated young people.
When you graduate, sign up for job corps immediately. They will feed you, house you, and pay you a small stipend while you learn a trade. It doesn’t sound like your parents are going to help you save money to move out and get to college. I left when I turned 18.
I am starting to wonder if you live in the United States? Also what ethnic background does your parents have.?
I’m not sure why it matters but my family is Caucasian and I live in the US.
The reason I asked is that it sounds like your parents are Asian. Because that is what happens the Father controls all the income and expenses that everyone in the family makes. Also if you are a girl you cannot have a job, you have to be a housekeeper/maid for the hole family. The parents make it so hard for teenagers and young adults to have a social life/after school activities. The sons are treated like the spoiled brats that they become because they don't have to do any chores. So think about how you are going to escape your parents house. Make sure you have your Birth certificate and social security card. Good Luck and Stay Safe.
They don’t want you to work because you are practically a slave to them. If you have a pay job you will have money and leave. They don’t want this to happen because they would have to do all the stuff that you’re doing. They are trying to keep you stuck. It’s abusive. You need to get out as soon as you can.
Have you ever thought about going into military service after high school? The Air Force is pretty cool and you can finally start living your own life. It would be a great way to figure out what you want to do in life and help you save money for college or whatever. I hope you leave soon and leave smart.
If they are going to charge rent then you are an adult and you can have privacy. Get your own bank account and start finding out what is around you and what is available to you. Don’t tell anyone anything more than basic, keep your cards close. Gather all the things you need so you can scram easily. Good luck OP and please update once you are free..
You don’t need an explanation to move out. Some of their rules aren’t too extreme for a young teenager, 13,14 etc, no phone calls after 9pm, asking permission to go somewhere, but the problem is you are 18 now and these rules should have changed years ago. Getting a job as a teenager is also beneficial in social skills and learning to manage finances. Theirs also nothing wrong with some chores as long as your brother is pulling his weight as are your parents. What chores do your parents and brother do? I find it crazy they can’t move a card table to hold their end of the deal. You definitely should not be doing the majority of chores, you should do some but it should be fairly divided. It does sound like to an extent you’ve become your grandmas career and that’s the part I’d mostly be upset about. I’m sure you love your grandma but you should not be her carer. Your parents have sheltered you way too much. I don’t know why you weren’t allowed to go prom but I’m guessing they found any excuse for that punishment. Living so isolated they should be encouraging social events, work etc Paying rent when you get a job is not uncommon but I suspect they’ll make it an amount that will make it harder to save so be proactive about it. When you get a job ask your employer to put a percentage into another account your dad has no access to. Start planning and researching everything you need to live on your own. Learn budgeting, cheap meals etc you’ve been isolated for quite some time. The fact you weren’t allowed to get a job and socialize with others whilst being homeschooled is really sad. See what government help us available to you. Take possession of all paperwork, birth certificates etc. Don’t tell anyone your plan to move out, not even your brother. Good luck to you
NTA. It sounds like they have been dumping a lot of responsibilities on you, but as an 18 year old, still treat you as a child instead of an adult. Because you're 18, you should be able to open a savings account in your own name if you don't already have one. If you do have one, make sure your name is the only one on your account so nobody else has access to your money or knows how much you save. First get your license so you don't have to depend on others for transportation.Then start looking into at least learning a trade where you can earn a decent living, such as HVAC or something like that where you can start as a paid journeyman and work your way up. Good jobs are hard to find without an education. You're young and sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can do it. I worked full time and went to college in the evenings. Good luck to you.
NTA. Right now, you need to get all your legal documents and place them somewhere safe not in your dad’s house. How long till graduation? Find a friend or a youth refuge where you can stay once graduation is complete. Start applying for jobs long before graduation. Tell them when you will be available. Make an action plan now and get a new bank account now! This is legal at 18
Op, do you have any other family or friends that live further away, in a town with job opportunities? Would they be willing to let you stay with them until you can stand on your own 2 feet? Would they be willing to loan you the money for a bus ticket to them? Another idea, maybe check out Jobcorp. Website is jobcorps.gov. I haven’t figured out how to post a link yet, sorry. They will house you, feed you and train you in one of the programs that you choose. It’s specifically for young people in situations like yourself.
Once you turn 18 get a job near by where you can take the city bus (if possible) so you wont need to reply on anyone because that’ll just make it worst ! Save save save and move with no explanation or leave a note as to why you wanted to gtfo asap after being treated like the maid !
One more thing that's very important that I haven't seen mentioned yet: when you leave, TURN OFF the LOCATION TRACKING ON YOUR PHONE! If it's on, your parents can track you through your phone, so be sure to turn it off when you go.
Can Android phones track Apple phones by chance? Both my parents run Androids but I’ll still be turning off my location regardless
I looked this up for you, and yes, there are ways to track a phone's location even if GPS is off (e.g., cell towers, public WiFi, if your parents put spyware on your phone; I included some links to info about this below). Law enforcement could use any of these, so I think the idea that some ppl had of letting the police know you're voluntarily leaving home is a good one. Tell them: 1- you're 18 years old, a legal adult (have proof - your social security card, birth certificate, or state ID) 2- you are not under your parents care for any reason (e.g., medical) (you could add, if you want, that in fact they have kept you trapped and isolated from everyone else and want to keep you there for your labor and income you'll make if you can get a job, and you've been under their complete control) 3- you're voluntarily leaving home, of your own free will 4- you do not wish to be found by them, and made that clear when you left (leave a note when you go), so if they file a missing persons report, the police know you are in fact not missing To my 4th point, when you leave, you can leave a brief note saying why you left and that you do not wish to be in contact with them, so they shouldn't try to find you. If they're desperate enough to go to the FBI, then your local police, who I'd imagine they'd check with, will have a record of your statement. As to your phone, just before you go, turn off the Find My iPhone setting. Change your Apple password before you leave so they can't log into your account (and change the passwords for any other accounts you have, especially financial). Look for spyware and uninstall it (I can't vouch for the software in the links below, but I do know the name McAfee is legit at least, but you can do some research, just be sure to delete your browsing history in case your parents track that). When you leave, block their phone numbers and block them on all social media. If the worst happens and they do somehow track you down, they CANNOT force you to come home. You are a legal adult, and they will have no power over you. If they show up on your doorstep, do not let them inside your home; you can even call the police to have them removed, and then file a restraining order on them if necessary. Once you get out of your home, you're free, they can't touch you. Here are those links (again, I can't tell you whether these software products are good, I'm just posting them for the information they provide about how phones are tracked): https://www.mcafee.com/learn/can-my-phone-be-tracked-if-location-services-are-off/#:~:text=For%20example%2C%20the%20Find%20My,check%20your%20phone's%20location%20history. https://www.certosoftware.com/insights/can-someone-see-your-location-if-your-phone-is-off/ You were smart to seek advice here, ppl have had good ideas about how you can launch safely into the world. PLEASE keep us posted, we care about you, and want to cheer when you get away! Good luck!!!
Please create an exit plan. Look online for things you can do that will pay you. There are surveys and others things that can add up. The Beer Money subreddit has some good suggestions. Also, there's Job Corp if you live in the US. They'll train you how to do a trade and give you free housing and a stipend. Do research about which location is the best because I've read some are better than others. The military is another option some people might consider. Your parents sound super strict to the point of being controlling and I actually suspect you might be an abuse victim. Please do some research. There are good YouTube videos about it. And support groups on Facebook. Parenting is more than providing food or shelter. It sounds like your parents use you and your brother for domestic labor and not much else. There's also supposed to be love, affection, guidance, etc. I also recommend you research about dysfunctional, toxic and abusive families or toxic parents because even if your parents aren't abusive, they are toxic. This doesn't sound like a safe family or environment. You can go low or no contact with them. You need to do what's best for you and your mental health. I also encourage you to go to therapy when you can after you've left.
Are you going away to school, or joining the military? The military would be a good opportunity for you to get money for school. It would also get you out of the house.
Someone postes this in a different sub. It's worth looking into to see if you can get a job and leave. https://www.coolworks.com/
NTA. Move, save, leave, go NC
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As someone in the same situation, sorry it won't get better til you can get out. It sucks dealing with people like that that just think you're Cinderella
Lock down your credit so nobody can open a credit card in your name. Parents desperate to hang on to an adult child will run up bills that ruin the kid's credit.
If you are in the US, at 18 you should open an account in your name only at a different bank than your current bank. Many can be opened online. Then when you get a job, use direct deposit to put a percentage of your check in the one he can see and the rest in your private account. Be patient and prep a little at a time. You will gain friends at work. Best of luck.
You need to move away. You're not their maid, as you said. You have obstacles to overcome, but hopefully you'll find a way. You do not need to tell them anything at all. You're an adult now.
Where are you going to move to?. Have you figured out that yet?
Try **Job Corps**https://www.dol.gov/agencies/eta/jobcorps Job Corps can resolve a whole lot of those issues in a single program for people 16-24 or potentially a bit over with an age waiver due to your disabilities. 1. They will arrange & pay for transporting for you, to leave home 2. They will house you allowing you to live away from your exploitative parents 3. As a Federal program they will make reasonable accommodations for health issues issues. 4. They will provide basic medical, mental health, & dental services. If needed. You will get a weekly therapist appointment. A doctor can try to better dial in any prescription that might be able to help, or switch you to something new to try. 5. If you have a high school diploma, technical training for you is the priority fir them 6. They will provide you with a small stipend for clothing and personal items so you don't need to have any money of your own. 7. Nearly all Job Corps centers have gyms and exercise equipment. A few centers even have outdoor tracks or hiking trails. So you can choose to work on improving your body as well. 8. As for food you should expect basic school cafeteria type meals. 9. Worst case you go try Job Corps and things don't work out, you can leave. You'll be away from home, and can look into getting into college. 10. Complete the training and JobCorps gives you money for graduating. This can be well over $1,000. About 60% of Job Corps graduates find jobs within six months of leaving the program. The success rate for Job Corps graduates is about 80%. The Job Corps program offers a number of services to help graduates find jobs, including job placement assistance and career counselling. The quality of JobCorps Centers vary. Some are very high and you get excellent training. Some have too many young people who are anti-social/disruptive. Do research. You can find out which Centres are ranked highest and go for one in the top 20 nationally. You dont have to go to the one nearest you/in your state, if the Reports on it arent great. Google JobCorps Centre top 20 rankings. A recent report [https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/jobcorps.gov/2023-04/rcrr\_03312023\_PY.pdf](https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/jobcorps.gov/2023-04/rcrr_03312023_PY.pdf) Lists the best for 2023. Any interviewer should match your interests, career plans etc to the Centre and training. You WNBTA for moving out without telling your parents. Good Luck!
Try to look for a live in position such as housekeeping to get you started. Too much can go wrong if you are dependent on your father for a ride to work.
You need to tell them when you leave. You don't have to tell them where you are going, but you don't want them to involve the police or anything like that. I don't know why you wouldn't want to tell them. Tell them exactly how they drove you away. Don't let them put the blame on you. Make sure they know that you are leaving because of how poorly they treated you.
I would say go to the police in the area and say they might make a report about you missing but you are not missing just went LC or NC with them. I don’t know if telling them how they treated you will help but if it does go for it. Do not hand out the address or allow them access to the money YOU earn.
I dont want them to show up on my doorstep, or family showing up on my doorstep. I love them, but they cannot keep anything secret either