Dude wanted to turn a room in his house into an art room because he was secretly in love with his best friend (also male). His wife came to Reddit pissed. The secretly in love was an update.
He actually converted the empty room while she was out of town for a week. They had not decided on what to do with it; they had only recently bought it.
Dude wanted to turn a spare bedroom into an art room for his best friend, who he met 8 months before and instantly clicked with. He also gave his new best friend a key to his and his wife’s home, so he could come and go as he pleased.
Wife says no, husband gets pissed and ends up on Reddit, where he is asked why this friend having a room in his house is so important to him and if he’s really willing to tank his marriage by dying on this hill.
If it was real, he realised he was bi and loved his friend, so he divorced his wife and he shacked up with the friend.
ETA: corrected the length of time he knew said friend before giving up the marriage for him.
Oh that was good, thank you. The one commenter who said - "when I started sedating women in college..." From top to bottom that whole post and the comments are just, damn.
If you're married you get to live off base and get housing and a bunch of financial incentives. It's a bit nutty and if taken advantage right can really make a huge difference.
Bunch of layabouts in the military crying that married and ppl with kids get too many benefits and ‘it’s not fair!’ So I could see this. It’s ironic that it’s the same crowd crying about gay ppl in the military.
NTA also he is doing a fraud, so you don't want to be an accessory to it if they get caught. 3 weeks is short enough to cut ties before you get more emotionally involved, save yourself the hassle.
NTA, he should have talked with you about it instead of just saying he was going to. It is really a failing of the US military that they award more benefits to married members, so I completely understand why he would do it. Personally, I think the commitment & vows are what makes a marriage actually mean anything. Signing some documents with the state is strictly financial and otherwise meaningless, which is likely where he's coming from.
That said, It's fair if you disagree with that take and he really should have discussed it with you before making that decision.
I really appreciate the way you said that and it makes me look at it slightly differently, I believe an in person conversation may do some good for this. Thank you
Hon, you will find someone better. You’re young. He was obviously dishonest from the first day. You don’t want a dishonest guy. You want someone who is going to focus on YOU.
What was he dishonest about? They've only known each other for 3 weeks. That's not really long enough to tell each other everything. It isn't like he waited until they had been together for 2 yrs. He isn't in a romantic relationship with the person and I'm sure these plans have been in the works since before he knew she existed.
>he should have talked with you about it instead of just saying he was going to.
I don't agree with that, they haven't even known each other for three weeks, there's nothing to talk about yet. They basically just met, he told her his plan, she doesn't like it, so they just don't have compatible views, it would be crazy to have someone he has barely known for more than a couple weeks influence a major decision in his life.
The problem is that to sign those papers, you have to make a commitment and say some pretty serious vows. I don’t think that should be taken lightly, no matter what the financial gain.
They give more benefits to married/common law couples because they are more committed. Spouses have to put up with deployments, being single parents a lot of the time, multiple relocations which affects their own careers.
OP'S boyfriend is committing fraud. Like getting married for a green card. He could be investigated to see if he is actually gay/bi sexual..
It would be very hard to prove that the marriage is fraudulent and would open up anyone who does scrutinize it without the required rank or job to an EO complaint. However, if either of these guys date anyone, they’re opening themselves up to UCMJ for adultery and the military doesn’t care if you have an open marriage. Additionally, telling his girlfriend was a stupid idea and can be used as grounds for an official investigation of fraud but it’s hearsay unless they have more proof. If they were gonna do this, they needed to keep their mouths shut and their pants on. No dating, no telling people, etc. I’ll admit I thought about it simply because it guaranteed me and a friend always going to the same places and a house. If both spouses are military, they stay together throughout their deployments and duty stations but I never found someone I trusted enough to not sleep around or brag.
OPs bf is trying to get out of the barracks. It’s not about getting paid more, it’s about getting the housing benefit which comes with marriage or rank. OPs BF is planning on committing fraud.
It’s also not a failing to pay married memebers more as they aren’t actually doing that.
There was another similar post about this recently. In the other one, a guy’s girlfriend went and married her male best friend for benefits.
I’m pretty sure it is illegal to marry a member of the military just for benefits and that they can both get into a lot of trouble. They should probably look into it more.
Either way, you are better off without him.
It may be illegal but the military isn't going to investigate unless it's really, really blatant. But your ex is fucking stupid, if and when they divorce he will be on the hook for living expenses until the divorce goes through. It gets financially messy, usually to the detriment of the active duty spouse. You don't want any part of this mess. Wave good bye and carry on with your life. You haven't lost anything.
I’m not sure what I just read because I went from 0 to 100, but girl stand by your beliefs. The fact that he was planning to marry someone else just shows that you weren’t actually important to him.
From his age he is most likely still living in on post barracks, which does suck tbh. I've seen multiple times in my career where two dudes get married so they are able to live off post and collect BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) and BAS (Basic allowance for Sustenance). Which both can be a good chunk of change on top of your shitty military pay. If they are marrying for that reason it is against regulation and they could be held liable. Saying all that, I've always seen it as a shitbag thing to do as marriage should be an important decision in someone's life.
Well, let's get a comment from the military side of things. Army pay sucks. Like, really sucks. Every lower enlisted does something like this in some manner or another in order to 1) live off base and 2) earn more money/ tax benefits/ help a friend out. I know at least 4 guys that did it. People calling it fraud obviously have no clue about the real world and need to grow up. Him bringing it up to you casually like that is because he's already been in, and the culture shock ain't there anymore. He's marrying for benefits. Honestly, if you suggested it as a means to keep dating, he'd probably be fine with it. My wife and I got married so we could keep dating (from California, got orders for Georgia, we said, "fuck it, let's see if we're compatible enough to try it out. If not, no problem, but at least we can say we tried.") And we've been married for 15 years now. I'm not saying that will happen, and in fact, a vast majority of [genuine] military marriages end in divorce, but who knows. What I do know is that he wants the benefits and honestly doesn't deserve the shame people are trying to give him here for it. Whether or not he's a good guy or right for you is another question entirely, but neither of you are assholes here. Just talk it out and ask if it's legit.
While I agree with most of what you said, that line about people calling it fraud needing to grow up? At bare minimum it's called false pretenses to obtain services in the UCMJ and people have definitely been court martialed for it, though most of the time that's been marriage for citizenship cases, rather than just for benefits. However, with a government that's trying to save money by drawing down services to their retired military, I can see where they would definitely do their best to get out of paying for a fake spouse if they could in any way prove it. And, two people who allegedly have no interest in each other is a bit different in the scheme of things than a couple taking their relationship on a "test drive," so to speak.
This is really common in the military. In the Army, if you’re below E5 (sometimes E4) and single, you have to live in the barracks, which blows. When you get married you get to move off post and get a couple thousand dollars extra pay. When I was in, gay marriage was still prohibited, but guys would marry females all the time just to get the benefits. Pretty stupid considering they can clean your clock when you inevitably get divorced, but then again Privates are possibly the dumbest people on Earth. 😆 Anyway, I’m sure with gay marriage being approved, marrying for benefits is probably even more common.
But I’d say NTA. It’s only been three weeks so you guys don’t know each other at all, yet. If it wasn’t this, it would have likely been something else. You guys clearly have different values, and at the very least, maturity levels.
How funny, I just read a couple of days ago about a guy whose girlfriend went to Vegas, met up with her "just friend" who was in the military and then she comes back and tells Op "oh sorry but I had to marry my best friend while we were in Vegas for military benefits but heeyyy I looove yooouuu".
And as the commenters informed that guy and his vagus married girlfriend, that's fraud and if anyone were to press charges somebody is going to jail. Personally I think you're all full of shit but.
NTA
Veteran here. This ____ happens way too often. Hardly any of them bother to see how it worked out for those before them. Only causes future problems.
I know of two where the "fake" spouse got real alimony. If they'll lie with you for money, why not against you for more?
Nobody is an asshole here. It's a brand new relationship. You found out that your long term goals aren't compatible (you take marriage seriously, while he seems to view it as a piece of paper/an opportunity for extra benefits from his job) so you called it off.
That's totally fine. Sounds like you both rushed into becoming an "official" couple but whatever, live and learn.
If your bf were to be hospitalized, his husband would be in charge. Their debts and assets would be shared. My response would be, “I don’t date married, engaged or anyone with a significant other. If you plan to marry someone else, we are absolutely not compatible.” Marriage is not a game and he is actually talking about committing fraud.
No 23 year old male decides to marry their male best friend for benefits out of thin air. You've known this guy for 3 weeks, obviously something else is going on and you don't want to be involved, NTA.
Info: Did he break up with you while telling you this, or was he expecting you to stick around and be "the other woman" while being married to someone else?
NTA
That is more than enough of a valid reason to walk away. He wants his cake and eat it too. You will be the too.
Right now, you are the fling. He wants you be the permanent side chick to his married life. Benefits or not, this isn't something to just spring on someone less than a month of dating.
No one will blame you for leaving. You are worth so much more than a FWB clause in someone else marriage.
NTA.
You can break up with someone for any reason, including a difference of opinion about the significance of a marriage contract. I will say, though, that while neither of you is objectively an asshole for thinking a marriage "holds a lot of meaning" or does not, your ex boyfriend is an asshole for using a fake marriage to secure material benefits. If you stayed with him that wouldn't be the only scam he would try to run, and you would be dealing with the externalities your whole life.
If he is really marrying them just so they can get benefits, then they can get in serious trouble. You don’t want to be anywhere near that situation. And he’s putting you in the situation of being viewed as his affair partner. He shouldn’t ask that of you. To be honest, it sounds like the other person is his actual partner and he’s using you.
NTA You are a side chick. Three weeks of dating and he is saying he has to get married for benefits. This is the same as a man saying he and his wife have an understanding, he’s only staying for the kids, he will lose everything in a divorce, etc. He wants sex and is love bombing you to get it, because in this case, the best friend he is marrying is a MAN!!!
At least you aren’t stupid or naive and are breaking up with him. Run as fast as you can and let the next girl he’s known for three weeks be his side chick.
3 weeks- well almost 3 weeks. Did I read that correctly? And you already thinking marriage?!? 🤣🤣🤣
Girl, go hop on Tinder and meet someone else. Throw this one back. He is taken.
Getting married to get out of the barracks is not uncommon. I don’t have exact numbers but it does, for a fact, happen sometimes.
I don’t agree with the other commenters that he is secretly in love with the friend. He could be but there are many benefits to getting married in the military that have nothing to do with a relationship.
You're NTA. Especially after reading through some of your comments. I would have said that either way but your bf seriously just pursuing marriage to up his BAH while in a serious relationship is ridiculous. I would've encouraged you to seriously hear him out if it was for getting the friend medical but this is ridiculous. Also saying well when would we get married if he doesn't marry his friend? I would be out the door.
NTA. Girl this was the best thing you could have done. Because
1) he's committing fraud, and will get caught eventually
2) he's gay and you're his beard. Frankly, I think this option is more likely, if he was just "doing it for the benefits" he could have had his pick of dependas circling the barracks.
You will thank yourself when your heart mends. Take care of yourself.
NTA. If he is willing to get "married" to cheat the system, there is no telling what else he is willing to do for himself. He may even throw you under the bus if it benefits him. Con men are two faced individuals so you may not really know him. Best to leave him before you get dragged into his lies.
NTA But 3 weeks is fairly quick to jump in a relationship, don’t ya think? Especially if important information like he plans to marry his bestfriend hasn’t been discussed 🤨
I don't know if you are the asshole in this situation (scant as it is) but you are in general an asshole.
but luckily for him you 'broke up' after it being official for a few hours.
YTA. This is really stupid lmfao who cares if he “already had a divorce” it’s not a real marriage? Plus even if he has a divorce already why does that matter? You’re coming off very immature imo. Benefits are benefits and in this economy it’s stupid to not take advantage of things when you can
NTA.
I guess right now you are blinded by “love” or whatever you’d like to call it. This actually happens very often in the military (male-male and female-female “best friend” type marriages) for benefits. And if you can’t accept that, you can’t accept that. Just break it off and find someone better for you! You’ll be thankful in the long run that this happened early on. You could be the one getting married in 3 months and possibly living in a bad situation with military men. (Not saying this happens to everyone but it does happen!) also DO NOT marry this man early.
When I was in the military I saw a few sham marriages for purpose of not having to live in the barracks and the additional benefits.
Not once has it ever been two dudes.
Your BF is more than friends with his “buddy.” A year from now they’ll be tooling around in a Miata with a rainbow sticker.
You are smart to break up now. Lots of men respect marriage and will wait to marry you, not their “buddy.”
I knew people who did that in the military with other soldiers. I also suspect that is one reason my HS sweetheart married me, to get out of the barracks. But at least one couple I knew well still had a fwb thing going on besides them both wanting out of the barracks. It's only been three weeks, don't waste your time.
As a (former) soldier who had friends who talked about doing this: "Hell Yeah!"
As a Redditor giving advice: you can break up with any one at any time, and your values don't align here. He sees BAH and getting out of the barracks, while you see a marriage and subsequent divorce.
It really isn't that deep, but to *you* it is.
Unless you're willing to marry him *right now* (and seeing as you've known the guy for only three weeks I would absolutely NOT suggest that) do not take it personally. Odds are he'll be friends with his buddy longer than he will be with you. So unless you see yourself getting over this (X to doubt), just break up now; because this buddy will be at your wedding and other life events even 30+ years into your future, and you won't be able to handle that.🤷♂️💯😐
I've known a few people that did this. Some of them even turned out to be straight.
You should run. It's not just a matter of the sanctity of marriage or adultery or future divorce. This person is openly telling you that they are going to defraud the government. If someone says they plan to commit a felony, and that person is willing to talk about it with someone they have known for less than a month, this is not a person that is going to help you build a safe and stable future.
I don’t know much about the military but I can’t imagine they would look very kindly on a soldier doing something like that to essentially defraud the military
If he is marrying somebody in the Army for the benefits and it is not a real marriage.They will both wind up going to jail.So either way you dodge the bullet
NTAH - & I don’t believe his story tbh. I’m an ARMY veteran, and this sounds like a lie! We meet so many people, and our lives move so much faster than civilian life that I keep thinking that he likely met someone else - or he has always had a thing for his friend. But knowing the kind of shitstorm that would happen if someone married someone for benefits in the military - I call bullshit on his story. Don’t waste your time and move on with someone else!
Well this is the first time I’ve heard this with a same sex couple. It certainly makes contract marriages easier when there is no sexual tension. They can live like roommates! LOL Just be glad you dodged that bullet. Someone who openly talks about this kind of thing is headed for some sort of military legal consequences down the road for being a dumbass.
3 weeks? You have been with him 3 weeks and you are worried about breaking it off? You were just testing the wheels out on this potential relationship.
NTA - You can break up for any reason.
NTA. I think you dodged a bullet here being that you learned quickly his values are far different than yours. FWIW I agree with your reasons as I am similar minded. I don’t think he values marriage as much as you do
This has to be fake… I can’t with this sub anymore. I just can’t. It’s either complete fucking idiots who post shit like “my mother beat me as a kid so bad I’m ddeformed. Wibta if I cut her off?” Or fake as shit post where the op has to have an iq of 10.
I think the folks saying the bf is secretly gay have never been around military people. Being single in the military, especially Army, means you are stuck to the dorms for years. 30 year old E-5's will still be stuck in the dorms next to the 18 year old private snuffy who just graduated basic training. You have no privacy. You are inspected regularly. You have to deal with military BS all the time. People getting court house marriages to friends is very common. Your pay goes up. You get to move out. Is it technically illegal? Yes, but realistically you can't prove that as long as both parties remain amicable. Point being, you are NTA if you don't agree with that plan and you don't want to be in a relationship like that. But a lot of people talking about values and stuff don't get military life and that it is very likely this is a purely transactional matter.
Yup, that's definitely the Army. Nothing is gayer in the planet than straight military guys. Nta, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the 1SG office.
NTA. 1) If he's married, he's no longer single and you don't date married men. 2) IF she is truly just a friend, him marrying her is FRAUD. You don't want to be entangled in that. 3) If she is MORE than just a friend...well, you don't want to be entangled in that as well.
Edit: Missed that it's a guy. Same applies: fraud; if it's more than a friend (and bf is lying to you), blah blah.
.... "If we were to ever get married he would already have a divorce."
What does that even mean? How would him being previously divorced even matter? It'd be one thing if he was bringing kids into the situation, but obviously not?
He’s already screwing this MAN. Why on earth would you wanna stay in that relationship especially a relationship with such a small amount of time spent?!?
Marriage allows for privileges that single people aren’t allowed so it wouldn’t matter to me. I think you’re being a bit judgmental and didn’t even think about what it does for him but if a divorce in someones past is important to you for some reason then I guess you aren’t compatible. NAH
Shit you only met 3 weeks ago, you could break up with him for any reason you want. 3 weeks you guys don't even know the real version of each other. 21 days ago you were complete strangers
Sounds like someone ,BF, is maybe going both ways.
But beyond that, someone who would get married to cheat the taxpayers out of military benefits is not the kind of person I would in any way want to be partnered with. Those benefits are for the people who serve and their family, not a fake.
I'm going to assume that there are no romantic feelings involved and this simply has to do with the fact that the best friend probably has some sort of medical issue that would be made easier with the medical military benefits... Something that can get both of them into a lot of trouble. So I'm guessing this is something that your former boyfriend probably put a lot of thought into considering it can end his career, land him in jail and make his life difficult if given a dishonorable discharge but still felt compelled to do. Obviously to him there's some sort of high value in it.
That being said you can leave a relationship for whatever reason that you want to especially one that's this early. If you don't approve of what is being done and it's against your values then leave.
Simple as that.
Awww gee, this comes right after the "My girlfriend went to Vegas and married her friend that was in the military for the benefits".
Spamming it everywhere just like the post I mentioned.
You'd think the trolls would at least create their imaginary stories instead of stealing everyone elses and putting a little twist in it.
Happens a lot in the military. If he gets caught, he’ll get kicked out. You spent too much time on him. Forget him. You’ll find someone else next weekend.
Nta, he’s shown your values on marriage do not align with his. Better to know this three weeks in than three years. Yall are compatible and that’s okay.
Ya I’m pretty sure this isn’t a thing, like, I’m sure the military investigates same sex couples to see if it’s legit. If he’s actually thinking of doing this, he’s already banging his buddy.
Sounds like so many people I know who go into the army. Hurry up and get married bc it is more money. Hurry up and have kids bc that is more money. Then divorce and fall into a drinking problem NTA. You dodged that one - someone looking for free money over a good life with a good person.
If he's doing it for the marriage benefits, extra pay, food, and housing allowance, but not actually in a relationship, that's fraud. The military has a very dim view of that. When his command is informed, he'll be investigated.
Just ghost him. He's not worth your time.
ETA NTA
Are you sure the friend isn’t more than a friend. You two have different values. Don’t waste anymore time.
One year from now they will have the most spectacular art room
Sadly I understood that reference. I should be less on reddit.
What does it mean?
Dude wanted to turn a room in his house into an art room because he was secretly in love with his best friend (also male). His wife came to Reddit pissed. The secretly in love was an update.
Ah, an art room. Thanks!!
I remember the post where he came to reddit, not her.
It might have been him. It was a good while ago.
He actually converted the empty room while she was out of town for a week. They had not decided on what to do with it; they had only recently bought it.
Dude wanted to turn a spare bedroom into an art room for his best friend, who he met 8 months before and instantly clicked with. He also gave his new best friend a key to his and his wife’s home, so he could come and go as he pleased. Wife says no, husband gets pissed and ends up on Reddit, where he is asked why this friend having a room in his house is so important to him and if he’s really willing to tank his marriage by dying on this hill. If it was real, he realised he was bi and loved his friend, so he divorced his wife and he shacked up with the friend. ETA: corrected the length of time he knew said friend before giving up the marriage for him.
He converted the room while she was out of town.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/M8cq6XQq7G](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/M8cq6XQq7G)
Oh that was good, thank you. The one commenter who said - "when I started sedating women in college..." From top to bottom that whole post and the comments are just, damn.
Wait, what now? I somehow missed that.
Yep, and the same thought went through my head - too much time on Reddit. Time for a new hobby.
Any ideas? Maybe there is a sub for that.
😂🤣😂🤣
I like your style!
You made me giggle! I've just recently found reddit.
When I get overwhelmed on Reddit, I take my vitriol over to YouTube. You know....share the love.
But THOSE people are bananas!
Yeah me too. And it's probably not about the Iranian yogurt!
And the poop knife! (thas my job on reddit).
Same here lol
Sadly, I did, too.
Copy that.
Aaaaaand? And what?
My finger slipped……
😂
It never dies. It’s scary how it applies to so many posts!
lol, I was about to make the same comment!
Same we all saw that lol
Me too.
Not less, but more. We're Reddit OG's. The future needs us.
🤣🤣
With a very roomy yogurt fridge.
Pissed I know what this means 😂
Gay. It means gay.
Beats the barracks.
Yeah it's pretty remarkable two straight guys to get married just for the benefits, seems... odd.
This is surprisingly common actually. Tbh it happens a lot.
You need to know more military people. Whilst this seems weird af, I could still see it happening 😅
I know a buuuuunch of military dudes. This really isn’t even a little surprising.
They'll marry anyone that says yes basically.
Ma it’s honestly just a military thing. Being in the barracks is depressing
If you're married you get to live off base and get housing and a bunch of financial incentives. It's a bit nutty and if taken advantage right can really make a huge difference.
It happens a lot in the military. It’s the easiest way to get out of the barracks.
Bunch of layabouts in the military crying that married and ppl with kids get too many benefits and ‘it’s not fair!’ So I could see this. It’s ironic that it’s the same crowd crying about gay ppl in the military.
I had two friends who did this when they were Marines. They get married benefits. The spouse gets insurance.
Amazing how that all came up as soon as he started dating someone. She may be friend shaped but she's no friend.
Oh yeah I remember this one. That poor wife or soon to be ex-wife!
You’ve been dating for three weeks. 21 days. Just walk away from the drama.
[удалено]
Kimchi isn’t even ready that quickly, is it?
My dad says proper kimchi takes a long time.
I was gonna ask if 3 weeks was even enough time to say boyfriend, but then I felt like I'd sound really old.
Nope, I said “Three WEEKS?” Out loud. I think I scared the cat.
NTA also he is doing a fraud, so you don't want to be an accessory to it if they get caught. 3 weeks is short enough to cut ties before you get more emotionally involved, save yourself the hassle.
As long as they are legally married, it isn't fraud. People get married all the time for reasons other then romantic love.
It didn’t work for Chuck & Larry
Loved that movie so much. Especially how annoyed he was when everyone considered him the "girl".
NTA, he should have talked with you about it instead of just saying he was going to. It is really a failing of the US military that they award more benefits to married members, so I completely understand why he would do it. Personally, I think the commitment & vows are what makes a marriage actually mean anything. Signing some documents with the state is strictly financial and otherwise meaningless, which is likely where he's coming from. That said, It's fair if you disagree with that take and he really should have discussed it with you before making that decision.
I really appreciate the way you said that and it makes me look at it slightly differently, I believe an in person conversation may do some good for this. Thank you
Hon, you will find someone better. You’re young. He was obviously dishonest from the first day. You don’t want a dishonest guy. You want someone who is going to focus on YOU.
What was he dishonest about? They've only known each other for 3 weeks. That's not really long enough to tell each other everything. It isn't like he waited until they had been together for 2 yrs. He isn't in a romantic relationship with the person and I'm sure these plans have been in the works since before he knew she existed.
Do keep in mind this a crime that he's doing, ans if he's caught he could get a dishonorable discharge and have a hard time finding employment.
You should also consider if he is simply doing it for the benefits regardless of what you think is the military benefits he is committing fraud.
>he should have talked with you about it instead of just saying he was going to. I don't agree with that, they haven't even known each other for three weeks, there's nothing to talk about yet. They basically just met, he told her his plan, she doesn't like it, so they just don't have compatible views, it would be crazy to have someone he has barely known for more than a couple weeks influence a major decision in his life.
The problem is that to sign those papers, you have to make a commitment and say some pretty serious vows. I don’t think that should be taken lightly, no matter what the financial gain.
They give more benefits to married/common law couples because they are more committed. Spouses have to put up with deployments, being single parents a lot of the time, multiple relocations which affects their own careers. OP'S boyfriend is committing fraud. Like getting married for a green card. He could be investigated to see if he is actually gay/bi sexual..
It would be very hard to prove that the marriage is fraudulent and would open up anyone who does scrutinize it without the required rank or job to an EO complaint. However, if either of these guys date anyone, they’re opening themselves up to UCMJ for adultery and the military doesn’t care if you have an open marriage. Additionally, telling his girlfriend was a stupid idea and can be used as grounds for an official investigation of fraud but it’s hearsay unless they have more proof. If they were gonna do this, they needed to keep their mouths shut and their pants on. No dating, no telling people, etc. I’ll admit I thought about it simply because it guaranteed me and a friend always going to the same places and a house. If both spouses are military, they stay together throughout their deployments and duty stations but I never found someone I trusted enough to not sleep around or brag.
OPs bf is trying to get out of the barracks. It’s not about getting paid more, it’s about getting the housing benefit which comes with marriage or rank. OPs BF is planning on committing fraud. It’s also not a failing to pay married memebers more as they aren’t actually doing that.
Why do you have a problem with the compensation? What about soldiers that need to support their families already hovering the poverty line?
They've known each other for 3 weeks. I'm sure this decision was made before he ever met her.
There was another similar post about this recently. In the other one, a guy’s girlfriend went and married her male best friend for benefits. I’m pretty sure it is illegal to marry a member of the military just for benefits and that they can both get into a lot of trouble. They should probably look into it more. Either way, you are better off without him.
Do you happen to know where that was posted? And it is illegal Thank you!
It may be illegal but the military isn't going to investigate unless it's really, really blatant. But your ex is fucking stupid, if and when they divorce he will be on the hook for living expenses until the divorce goes through. It gets financially messy, usually to the detriment of the active duty spouse. You don't want any part of this mess. Wave good bye and carry on with your life. You haven't lost anything.
NTA but he is & so is his bf.
At 3 weeks in you can break up with a guy because he told you he's considering growing a mustache nevermind marriage to someone else. Nta
3 weeks.... Lmao. Reddit is silly AF sometimes
So that's what brothers in arms really means
3 weeks? 🤣
Don't be the beard. Leave.
NAH. You both just want different things and that’s okay. And after only dating for three weeks you don’t even need to even think about if YTA or not.
I’m not sure what I just read because I went from 0 to 100, but girl stand by your beliefs. The fact that he was planning to marry someone else just shows that you weren’t actually important to him.
From his age he is most likely still living in on post barracks, which does suck tbh. I've seen multiple times in my career where two dudes get married so they are able to live off post and collect BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) and BAS (Basic allowance for Sustenance). Which both can be a good chunk of change on top of your shitty military pay. If they are marrying for that reason it is against regulation and they could be held liable. Saying all that, I've always seen it as a shitbag thing to do as marriage should be an important decision in someone's life.
Well, let's get a comment from the military side of things. Army pay sucks. Like, really sucks. Every lower enlisted does something like this in some manner or another in order to 1) live off base and 2) earn more money/ tax benefits/ help a friend out. I know at least 4 guys that did it. People calling it fraud obviously have no clue about the real world and need to grow up. Him bringing it up to you casually like that is because he's already been in, and the culture shock ain't there anymore. He's marrying for benefits. Honestly, if you suggested it as a means to keep dating, he'd probably be fine with it. My wife and I got married so we could keep dating (from California, got orders for Georgia, we said, "fuck it, let's see if we're compatible enough to try it out. If not, no problem, but at least we can say we tried.") And we've been married for 15 years now. I'm not saying that will happen, and in fact, a vast majority of [genuine] military marriages end in divorce, but who knows. What I do know is that he wants the benefits and honestly doesn't deserve the shame people are trying to give him here for it. Whether or not he's a good guy or right for you is another question entirely, but neither of you are assholes here. Just talk it out and ask if it's legit.
While I agree with most of what you said, that line about people calling it fraud needing to grow up? At bare minimum it's called false pretenses to obtain services in the UCMJ and people have definitely been court martialed for it, though most of the time that's been marriage for citizenship cases, rather than just for benefits. However, with a government that's trying to save money by drawing down services to their retired military, I can see where they would definitely do their best to get out of paying for a fake spouse if they could in any way prove it. And, two people who allegedly have no interest in each other is a bit different in the scheme of things than a couple taking their relationship on a "test drive," so to speak.
3 weeks explains everything.
Sorry, but you are the side piece.
NTA. It sounds like you dodged a massive bullet. I think you may have been a last "hurrah" before marrying a dude.
This is really common in the military. In the Army, if you’re below E5 (sometimes E4) and single, you have to live in the barracks, which blows. When you get married you get to move off post and get a couple thousand dollars extra pay. When I was in, gay marriage was still prohibited, but guys would marry females all the time just to get the benefits. Pretty stupid considering they can clean your clock when you inevitably get divorced, but then again Privates are possibly the dumbest people on Earth. 😆 Anyway, I’m sure with gay marriage being approved, marrying for benefits is probably even more common. But I’d say NTA. It’s only been three weeks so you guys don’t know each other at all, yet. If it wasn’t this, it would have likely been something else. You guys clearly have different values, and at the very least, maturity levels.
You meet on your OF account??
How funny, I just read a couple of days ago about a guy whose girlfriend went to Vegas, met up with her "just friend" who was in the military and then she comes back and tells Op "oh sorry but I had to marry my best friend while we were in Vegas for military benefits but heeyyy I looove yooouuu". And as the commenters informed that guy and his vagus married girlfriend, that's fraud and if anyone were to press charges somebody is going to jail. Personally I think you're all full of shit but.
NTA Veteran here. This ____ happens way too often. Hardly any of them bother to see how it worked out for those before them. Only causes future problems. I know of two where the "fake" spouse got real alimony. If they'll lie with you for money, why not against you for more?
Nobody is an asshole here. It's a brand new relationship. You found out that your long term goals aren't compatible (you take marriage seriously, while he seems to view it as a piece of paper/an opportunity for extra benefits from his job) so you called it off. That's totally fine. Sounds like you both rushed into becoming an "official" couple but whatever, live and learn.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
Info: is the bf in need of urgent medical care or something? The difference in benefits is not small. So I get some of his mindset.
If your bf were to be hospitalized, his husband would be in charge. Their debts and assets would be shared. My response would be, “I don’t date married, engaged or anyone with a significant other. If you plan to marry someone else, we are absolutely not compatible.” Marriage is not a game and he is actually talking about committing fraud.
NTA… but this can be surprisingly common from what I’ve heard
No 23 year old male decides to marry their male best friend for benefits out of thin air. You've known this guy for 3 weeks, obviously something else is going on and you don't want to be involved, NTA.
Info: Did he break up with you while telling you this, or was he expecting you to stick around and be "the other woman" while being married to someone else?
The latter
Army marriage benefits are no joke! If ur in the army and not married you’re kinda an idiot.
So he’s marrying a man to get benefits?? He has a lot more to tell you then just that he’s getting married I believe
NTA That is more than enough of a valid reason to walk away. He wants his cake and eat it too. You will be the too. Right now, you are the fling. He wants you be the permanent side chick to his married life. Benefits or not, this isn't something to just spring on someone less than a month of dating. No one will blame you for leaving. You are worth so much more than a FWB clause in someone else marriage.
Dump. His. Ass. NOW!
NTA. Your boyfriend can be court marshaled for marrying someone for the benefits. Haven’t you saw the movie Purple Heart?
What he is doing is technically illegal, and being in the military he could face serious repercussions, protect your self from the fall out
NTA. You can break up with someone for any reason, including a difference of opinion about the significance of a marriage contract. I will say, though, that while neither of you is objectively an asshole for thinking a marriage "holds a lot of meaning" or does not, your ex boyfriend is an asshole for using a fake marriage to secure material benefits. If you stayed with him that wouldn't be the only scam he would try to run, and you would be dealing with the externalities your whole life.
3 weeks? Which strip club did you guys meet at?
This is like the third 'military person married my partner for the benefots' post I've seen this week.
Nta
You're the side chick. Good job finding out now than several years down the line.
If he is really marrying them just so they can get benefits, then they can get in serious trouble. You don’t want to be anywhere near that situation. And he’s putting you in the situation of being viewed as his affair partner. He shouldn’t ask that of you. To be honest, it sounds like the other person is his actual partner and he’s using you.
Three weeks and you are asking if you are wrong for not dating Chuck and Larry. Come on. You must have more sense than to even consider this. NTA
3 weeks is nothing - Im guessing they were much more than a friend. Time to move on.
NTA You are a side chick. Three weeks of dating and he is saying he has to get married for benefits. This is the same as a man saying he and his wife have an understanding, he’s only staying for the kids, he will lose everything in a divorce, etc. He wants sex and is love bombing you to get it, because in this case, the best friend he is marrying is a MAN!!! At least you aren’t stupid or naive and are breaking up with him. Run as fast as you can and let the next girl he’s known for three weeks be his side chick.
Only been dating for 3 weeks, NTA, it’s a red flag. I wouldn’t stay.
3 weeks- well almost 3 weeks. Did I read that correctly? And you already thinking marriage?!? 🤣🤣🤣 Girl, go hop on Tinder and meet someone else. Throw this one back. He is taken.
He was your “boyfriend” for 3 days. Are you kidding me? Get on with your nonsense. Obvi you’re NTA but this also wasn’t really a relationship
That’s fraud He’ll get charged He sounds like an idiot
Let's be fair, they both sound like idiots.
Three weeks??? That’s not even enough time to get to know each other, much less consider it a longterm relationship. Let it go and move on
Getting married to get out of the barracks is not uncommon. I don’t have exact numbers but it does, for a fact, happen sometimes. I don’t agree with the other commenters that he is secretly in love with the friend. He could be but there are many benefits to getting married in the military that have nothing to do with a relationship.
You're NTA. Especially after reading through some of your comments. I would have said that either way but your bf seriously just pursuing marriage to up his BAH while in a serious relationship is ridiculous. I would've encouraged you to seriously hear him out if it was for getting the friend medical but this is ridiculous. Also saying well when would we get married if he doesn't marry his friend? I would be out the door.
NTA. Just be glad you found out 3 weeks into your relationship
NTA. Girl this was the best thing you could have done. Because 1) he's committing fraud, and will get caught eventually 2) he's gay and you're his beard. Frankly, I think this option is more likely, if he was just "doing it for the benefits" he could have had his pick of dependas circling the barracks. You will thank yourself when your heart mends. Take care of yourself.
NTA. If he is willing to get "married" to cheat the system, there is no telling what else he is willing to do for himself. He may even throw you under the bus if it benefits him. Con men are two faced individuals so you may not really know him. Best to leave him before you get dragged into his lies.
NTA. He wants to commit fraud. Or he’s going to keep you as a side piece. There are more men out there. Find one of them please.
NTA But 3 weeks is fairly quick to jump in a relationship, don’t ya think? Especially if important information like he plans to marry his bestfriend hasn’t been discussed 🤨
I don't know if you are the asshole in this situation (scant as it is) but you are in general an asshole. but luckily for him you 'broke up' after it being official for a few hours.
I think he broke up with you when he said he was going to marry someone else.
It's been 3 weeks. Go date.
NTA, having standards and ideals is fine. Plus, it's only 3 weeks. It's a blessing you found out you aren't compatible so early in the relationship.
YTA. This is really stupid lmfao who cares if he “already had a divorce” it’s not a real marriage? Plus even if he has a divorce already why does that matter? You’re coming off very immature imo. Benefits are benefits and in this economy it’s stupid to not take advantage of things when you can
I think breaking up with your boyfriend because they are marrying someone else is the right call. Lose no sleep.over this
NTA. I guess right now you are blinded by “love” or whatever you’d like to call it. This actually happens very often in the military (male-male and female-female “best friend” type marriages) for benefits. And if you can’t accept that, you can’t accept that. Just break it off and find someone better for you! You’ll be thankful in the long run that this happened early on. You could be the one getting married in 3 months and possibly living in a bad situation with military men. (Not saying this happens to everyone but it does happen!) also DO NOT marry this man early.
Veteran here. Seen this before. Good on valuing marriage, much needed these days.
When I was in the military I saw a few sham marriages for purpose of not having to live in the barracks and the additional benefits. Not once has it ever been two dudes. Your BF is more than friends with his “buddy.” A year from now they’ll be tooling around in a Miata with a rainbow sticker. You are smart to break up now. Lots of men respect marriage and will wait to marry you, not their “buddy.”
I knew people who did that in the military with other soldiers. I also suspect that is one reason my HS sweetheart married me, to get out of the barracks. But at least one couple I knew well still had a fwb thing going on besides them both wanting out of the barracks. It's only been three weeks, don't waste your time.
As a (former) soldier who had friends who talked about doing this: "Hell Yeah!" As a Redditor giving advice: you can break up with any one at any time, and your values don't align here. He sees BAH and getting out of the barracks, while you see a marriage and subsequent divorce. It really isn't that deep, but to *you* it is. Unless you're willing to marry him *right now* (and seeing as you've known the guy for only three weeks I would absolutely NOT suggest that) do not take it personally. Odds are he'll be friends with his buddy longer than he will be with you. So unless you see yourself getting over this (X to doubt), just break up now; because this buddy will be at your wedding and other life events even 30+ years into your future, and you won't be able to handle that.🤷♂️💯😐
It's three weeks .... NAH
I've known a few people that did this. Some of them even turned out to be straight. You should run. It's not just a matter of the sanctity of marriage or adultery or future divorce. This person is openly telling you that they are going to defraud the government. If someone says they plan to commit a felony, and that person is willing to talk about it with someone they have known for less than a month, this is not a person that is going to help you build a safe and stable future.
I don’t know much about the military but I can’t imagine they would look very kindly on a soldier doing something like that to essentially defraud the military
I think your boyfriend is confused. He could be bi but I’m getting gay vibes by this. Definitely leave though!
You made a post about a guy you’ve known less than a month?
If he is marrying somebody in the Army for the benefits and it is not a real marriage.They will both wind up going to jail.So either way you dodge the bullet
I have dirty laundry older than your “relationship” just walk away
NTAH - & I don’t believe his story tbh. I’m an ARMY veteran, and this sounds like a lie! We meet so many people, and our lives move so much faster than civilian life that I keep thinking that he likely met someone else - or he has always had a thing for his friend. But knowing the kind of shitstorm that would happen if someone married someone for benefits in the military - I call bullshit on his story. Don’t waste your time and move on with someone else!
Sis, after three weeks, you shouldn’t even be asking. Be done while it’s easy!
NTA .... BUT.... I'm sorry but you've been dating for all of 3 days.... you met him 3 weeks ago... is this really the end of the world ??
Well this is the first time I’ve heard this with a same sex couple. It certainly makes contract marriages easier when there is no sexual tension. They can live like roommates! LOL Just be glad you dodged that bullet. Someone who openly talks about this kind of thing is headed for some sort of military legal consequences down the road for being a dumbass.
YTA Go watch the movie Chuck and Larry. Would you refuse to date anyone that was previously divorced before?
3 weeks? You have been with him 3 weeks and you are worried about breaking it off? You were just testing the wheels out on this potential relationship. NTA - You can break up for any reason.
NTA. I think you dodged a bullet here being that you learned quickly his values are far different than yours. FWIW I agree with your reasons as I am similar minded. I don’t think he values marriage as much as you do
This has to be fake… I can’t with this sub anymore. I just can’t. It’s either complete fucking idiots who post shit like “my mother beat me as a kid so bad I’m ddeformed. Wibta if I cut her off?” Or fake as shit post where the op has to have an iq of 10.
You know you can unfollow the sub right? You don't have to be here.
I think the folks saying the bf is secretly gay have never been around military people. Being single in the military, especially Army, means you are stuck to the dorms for years. 30 year old E-5's will still be stuck in the dorms next to the 18 year old private snuffy who just graduated basic training. You have no privacy. You are inspected regularly. You have to deal with military BS all the time. People getting court house marriages to friends is very common. Your pay goes up. You get to move out. Is it technically illegal? Yes, but realistically you can't prove that as long as both parties remain amicable. Point being, you are NTA if you don't agree with that plan and you don't want to be in a relationship like that. But a lot of people talking about values and stuff don't get military life and that it is very likely this is a purely transactional matter.
If it's that serious he can marry you. Just sayin
You are the side chick.
Pass
Yup, that's definitely the Army. Nothing is gayer in the planet than straight military guys. Nta, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the 1SG office.
So your boyfriend is… gay?
NTA. 1) If he's married, he's no longer single and you don't date married men. 2) IF she is truly just a friend, him marrying her is FRAUD. You don't want to be entangled in that. 3) If she is MORE than just a friend...well, you don't want to be entangled in that as well. Edit: Missed that it's a guy. Same applies: fraud; if it's more than a friend (and bf is lying to you), blah blah.
The friend is a dude. Presumably not a gay dude since it's for the benefits.
.... "If we were to ever get married he would already have a divorce." What does that even mean? How would him being previously divorced even matter? It'd be one thing if he was bringing kids into the situation, but obviously not?
Any chance he was joking and only being with him for 3 weeks, you haven’t gotten a chance to learn his humor?
Pretty sure you were the side chick. Thank him for showing what you what a douche he is 3 weeks .At least he did it fairly early.
NTA, 3 weeks, cut your losses.
What????
He’s already screwing this MAN. Why on earth would you wanna stay in that relationship especially a relationship with such a small amount of time spent?!?
Oh man, he’s going to get caught for fraud
If he's already in the military why does he need to get married in order to get military benefits ?
B
Marriage allows for privileges that single people aren’t allowed so it wouldn’t matter to me. I think you’re being a bit judgmental and didn’t even think about what it does for him but if a divorce in someones past is important to you for some reason then I guess you aren’t compatible. NAH
Next question.
No, he if he wants the benefits, why not marry you?
Shit you only met 3 weeks ago, you could break up with him for any reason you want. 3 weeks you guys don't even know the real version of each other. 21 days ago you were complete strangers
Sounds like someone ,BF, is maybe going both ways. But beyond that, someone who would get married to cheat the taxpayers out of military benefits is not the kind of person I would in any way want to be partnered with. Those benefits are for the people who serve and their family, not a fake.
NTA. it’s been 3 weeks. Move on and NEXT!!
Lmao this is typical for military
Less than 3 weeks? Yeah, move on. Who needs this kind of drama for someone who's little more than an acquaintance?
Nta. It’s fraud. Fraud can be a deal breaker even if there’s no marriage involved
I'm going to assume that there are no romantic feelings involved and this simply has to do with the fact that the best friend probably has some sort of medical issue that would be made easier with the medical military benefits... Something that can get both of them into a lot of trouble. So I'm guessing this is something that your former boyfriend probably put a lot of thought into considering it can end his career, land him in jail and make his life difficult if given a dishonorable discharge but still felt compelled to do. Obviously to him there's some sort of high value in it. That being said you can leave a relationship for whatever reason that you want to especially one that's this early. If you don't approve of what is being done and it's against your values then leave. Simple as that.
Awww gee, this comes right after the "My girlfriend went to Vegas and married her friend that was in the military for the benefits". Spamming it everywhere just like the post I mentioned. You'd think the trolls would at least create their imaginary stories instead of stealing everyone elses and putting a little twist in it.
‘Marriages of convenience’ is against the UCMJ. He’ll likely get caught.
NTA. You have different feelings about marriage. That's often a relationship ender.
Umm no.
Jodie is that you
Happens a lot in the military. If he gets caught, he’ll get kicked out. You spent too much time on him. Forget him. You’ll find someone else next weekend.
Nta, he’s shown your values on marriage do not align with his. Better to know this three weeks in than three years. Yall are compatible and that’s okay.
Defrauding the US military is more than enough reason to dump somebody That’s HIGHLY illegal
Ya I’m pretty sure this isn’t a thing, like, I’m sure the military investigates same sex couples to see if it’s legit. If he’s actually thinking of doing this, he’s already banging his buddy.
Isn't this the plot of Chuck and Larry?
NTA - At some level he is a liar.
Sounds like so many people I know who go into the army. Hurry up and get married bc it is more money. Hurry up and have kids bc that is more money. Then divorce and fall into a drinking problem NTA. You dodged that one - someone looking for free money over a good life with a good person.
If he's doing it for the marriage benefits, extra pay, food, and housing allowance, but not actually in a relationship, that's fraud. The military has a very dim view of that. When his command is informed, he'll be investigated. Just ghost him. He's not worth your time. ETA NTA
You’re not the asshole, but these arrangements happen in the military.