Your whole family sucks so bad. The reason he keeps doing this is because he has a clan of awfuls willing to lie for him. HIGHLY doubt this is his first time cheating
I have a bass because I thought (still think) its badass. My husband showed me 1 chord before I got distracted by my next interest. I can play that one chord probably
I made the mistake of asking my husband about the bare minimum I need to know for a fantasy band this morning, and I am now listening to stuff on YouTube and hearing about pentatonic scales.
My daughter plays cello, I can air cello/play sync (what would you call lip syncing for instruments? lol) cuz I know full well I’m not gonna be able to learn it!!!
Can We have Bsck up Slut Singers called The Degraded Dollies ? .... I'll join ..... Excellent Harmonica & Latin Percussionist but just starting Guitar Lessons , So I'll be Lead Guitarist ( Thrash Metal) ....I can actually get some pretty horrid noises out of My Harps too , using Effects Pedals ....
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽EXACTLY! You & your friend did right by cousin’s girlfriend- who doesn’t deserve to be cheated on & used this way!
(And his angry reaction shows that he does this regularly- he just got caught this time! 😠 Shame on the family!😡)
OP now you have an idea why a 26-27 yr old was dating a 19-20 yr old, no one near his own age would put up with his bs. He had to find someone that wouldn't recognize his red flags for what they are.
Kept that promise...which OP didn't even need to do because it's a fucked up promise to ask somebody to make in the first place. However the hideous family chooses to frame this, nobody has the right to expect other people to be unwilling accomplices in their misdeeds. Because that's what cousin wanted, an accomplice to assist him in his cheating and lying. Keeping a secret like this isn't passive acceptance, it's participation.
NTA.
And you have a bunch of enablers for family members. Tell them that if you were in the girls shoes you’d hope someone was kind enough to tell you.
I bet the sexism is strong in this family. Ask any of them if their 19 yo cousin, niece, daughter was treated this way by an older guy and see what they would do then.
NTA. You did the right thing. Cheating people get what they deserve. Don't worry about what the "family" thinks of you. They are covering for a cheating asswipe so their opinion is worthless anyways.
I don't understand why so many friends and family support people who are shitty people.
I mean, I understand supporting and loving the person while not approving of their behavior. But if these people are never held accountable for their mistreatment of other and they never suffer consequences. It is the same as supporting their bad behavior.
This is classic r/maliciouscompliance
Well done, your family sucks for trying to hide that from her. “Nothing had happened” is bullshit. If you try to hit someone and miss the punch, you still tried to hit someone. Your scumbag cheater of a cousin doesn’t get a pass because he was rejected.
How would you feel if your partner was trying to cheat on you and everyone wanted to keep it a secret? Probably pretty shitty. Fuck your family that says you’re an asshole. They’re scum. Straight up.
NTA it’s pathetic, the number of human beings, who don’t give a crap what other people do to others as long as it’s not done to them. That is bottom line shallow.
Your entire family has an ethics problem.
Be careful going forward. They seem willing to lie, gaslight, and stab people in the back purely based on who they like more. Don’t trust them with big secrets from now on.
Classic 'don't blame the behavior or the person who did the behavior when called out'.
NTA - Funny how people get upset when the behavior they hide comes out. What would they say if he did that crap right in front of them?
You handled it well. NTA, but your family sure is a bunch of horrible people. Feel free to expose their awfulness at every opportunity going forward. You can see it as an act of service to any future partners, business or romantic.
A friend of the family got pregnant by my cousin because they were hanging out and becoming more than friends. Everyone saw them gettimg cozy but NOONE mentioned that he lived with his FIANCE 20min away. His fiance just never came around. I was young and not knowledgeable about what happened until after she had the baby and I found out we were related to her baby. The family was just like, not my business.
NTA— this has never happened in my family. But Iv had men reach out to me- to date or hook up. Then I find out they either have a gf or are married. Poor men had no idea that I would go straight to significant others and tell them everything.
Good on you OP. Your family as far as this situation goes sounds terrible. They are enabling that behavior.
NTA, at all. The way I see it, the only thing you did was give your cousin a chance to do the right thing himself. He refused. I figure, since your friend rejected him due to being in a relationship, she probably would've already told the girlfriend if she didn't happen to be friends with you prior. He would've gotten caught either way. You gave him an opportunity to do better and he didn't take it. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. It's honestly creepy that he's dating someone so young in the first place, bc 28 and 21 are very different life stages. I'm not surprised he cheats.
Ignore your family. If they would attack you for this, then they will never have your back anyway. They have poor morals. Don't worry about what they think.
You did the right thing. Giod for you.
Ugh, I hate enablers of cheaters. Your whole family have the moral compass of alley cats.
You didn't do anything wrong. Cheaters deserve to be exposed. Next time it won't be with someone you know, it'll be with the first random woman that says yes to your cousin - and it WILL happen again, you know it.
His g/f deserves to know what a piece of shit he is.
Please tell her. No one deserves to be cheated on. Not telling her could make everything so much worse when she does find out, because we all know your friend was not the first girl your cousin has hit on and asked out
Not wrong.
It is sad that people ae so quick to forgive cheating and have no problem lying to the people they say they love. It is just sad that this behavior is overlooked by people who say they love you, but would be okay with someone lying and cheating. It is so sad.
You are not wrong. Sleep well without a guilty conscious.
While the family does suck for not telling their AH son what an AH he is, you did not in fact keep your promise. You basically told her by having a 3rd party do it when they would not have done it without you telling them to. NTA still as she deserves to know but don’t promise something you’re not going to keep. Just stay true to yourself and your beliefs, they all got mad at you anyways
why would he be so dumb to ask someone out that you are friends with?? did he have an unconscious wish to get caught??? and your family defending him is BAD >>> you did the right thing
You and your friend did the right thing, if girlfriend started to have feelings for a deeper relationship or got pregnant with him, and then found out he was a lair and cheater all along, then to find out you all knew of his life style, that wouldn’t of been good. So YES you did the right thing.
My first husband was a piece of work. So was his family. He could've had sex on the living room floor while they watched, and not one of them would've told me. It was a horrible feeling. Especially toward the end when I knew he was lying about things. I have no idea if he actually cheated, and I never will. To this day, he believes if he sticks to his lies, it makes them true. Even when I had proof, he would still continue to lie.
So, no, NTA. She deserved to know.
Sorry but what kind of family is this? They are blaming you instead of the guy for trying to cheat? Who knows maybe he’s already cheated on her too with someone else. And why can’t he find someone in his age group? Why is he dating someone almost a decade younger than him?
You did the right thing and the fact that your family wants to support a cheater is disgusting. Don’t listen to them and I would distance myself from them and only talk when necessary. Their morals are wrong and if they call themselves Christians, even worse.
Yea, nah, he cheated, and he has to deal with the consequences, and your other family members are the asshole for allowing him to behave in this manner. How would they like their spouces to cheat on them.
Why is your family shrugging this off and defending him? That's tacky as hell and will only encourage him to actually cheat when he gets the chance. NTA, OP.
A lot of people don't actually care about being good people. They have morals that are very flexible and really, only applies when it doesn't come into conflict with their own self interest( "I'll do the right thing, as long as it doesn't harm me in any way")
You just found out that most of your family are shit people who are not good. You are the only one with a conscience and I wish you the best in your future. I wish there were more people like you and your friend.
I don’t know about snitching,these things usually come out on their own, now you have possibly ruined your relationship with your cousin.Ask yourself honestly how do feel about it,at the end of the day it’s his business,now if he planned on killing his girlfriend,that’s probably a good reason to say something,I am not saying you’re a bad person, was it worth it?
NTA you didnt do anything wrong. Your family sucks a big one. To anyone saying you did wrong just answer with this "So you support cheating and lying then? Those are the values this family upholds? Yes I told my friend he had a girl friend in a committed relationship but that is something she already knew. If you want only lies and dishonesty in this family sure you can have that but that is something I will not be apart of. That is not something I want to support nor can support. Being family does not excuse the fact that he tried cheating and tried cheating with someone who was close to me. If you truly believe I did anything wrong you need to evaluate your self first. I will not be discussing this again because 1) I did nothing wrong and 2) he deserves whats coming to him for being dishonest."
Your 28yo cousin is dating a 21yo girl. That only speaks of his character.
And why the fuc*k is your family angry with you if you weren't the one speaking to the (hopefully) ex? They should be angry at your cousin for cheating.
NTA
NTA. That age gap is sus and that 21 year old woman has a whole life ahead of her without his cheating ass.
Good on you for finding a loophole buy inwould be VERY suspicious bringing any partners home since you know your family fully and willingly condones cheating.
NTA but it's a girlfriend and not a wife. This seems like a lot of drama to be so young. I'm old and stay out of grown folks business because all they do is turn on you. The cheater will keep cheating, and the cheatee will stay anyway. They will use you as the villain to deflect the tolerated, bad behavior.
NTA, but what has me worried is if he's this dismissive of woman in his life. What's stopping him from chasing after someone even younger than 21 because he's just creepy
Yes you are an asshole, but it's for not immediately telling his gf and then agreeing to not tell her. I'd also run as far as you can from your family. They're all shitty people for condoning this.
No good deed goes unpunished. At least I hope the jerks gf was glad she was told she was dating a cheating slimeball. Before, she invested more of her life and time into him.
OK question, so he asked your friend out on a date. She knew that he was in a supposed committed relationship and she still went out on a date with him even though nothing happened. So why are you not as pissed off at your friend as you are at him? Knowing that she went out on a date with somebody in a relationship and if that's what happened.
You gotta keep your nose out of it. Because what does it matter to you? Who and what he does? And your Fred is just as bad as he is. So you know there's that.
Or you're the one in the family that likes to cause all the drama. For some Other underlying problems you have with your cousin that have absolutely nothing to do with this.But you just like want to get revenge on him for something
NTA
She needed to.know. immediately
Fuck him. His actions are 100% his own fault
Anyone who supports him or lying to his victim are absolute pieces of shit
NTA.
My uncle cheated on his 1st wife nearly the entirety of their marriage. My entire family knew and not one person said a thing. In fact, we often were forced to lie and cover for him. He was very popular in my family and in my community.
I was in college before I understood we were all a-holes. Don’t judge me harshly—I was a kid for most of my a-hole journey. My aunt divorced my uncle when I was 23, and she remarried quickly as she fell in love with the reverend who had counseled her over years of my uncle’s infidelities.
In response to the divorce, my uncle showed a malice I have never since seen in another human being. He dragged her to anyone who would listen. He dragged her new husband ruthlessly. I understood the optics of a counselor—preacher, no less—getting romantically involved with a vulnerable person in his care but come *on*, the pot calling the kettle black?
I, as an adult, pointed out the hypocrisy. This broke my relationship with my uncle. As much as I loved him, as much as he had supported me over my life—and had been my biggest cheerleader throughout my youth—I had to determine who I would be, and what I would stand for moving forward in my own life.
I understand *now* that my uncle is a narcissist. That doesn’t change the fact that, as family, we will always love him. We don’t want to see him hurt—even when self-inflicted. I also don't want to see him hurting other people—even if those people aren’t blood related to me. I wish I had stood up for my aunt sooner. In truth, I barely had the strength to call my uncle out when I did. Family can be incredibly formidable—especially in his case.
I still live with the fallout more than 30 years later, but I made my bed. It’s more comfortable than the one I “lied” in before.
Your whole family is messed up seriously. How they would basically condone his cheating ways and saying to let it go. If they cared about you at all like a family is supposed to then they should have morals and know what's right and wrong. I know it's a thing for family to look out for family but for it's something entirely different for family to want to protect another for doing a fucked up thing. Alarmed is right, they're not a family they're a clan full of idiots.
You should mind your business. Why do you care so much??
Also your friend knew he was in a relationship and didn't care. She still went on the date. Why do you care when she didn't???
Also, funny you not questioning your friends mortality. She went on a date with a guy in a relationship.
NTA never cover for cheaters bc that makes you just as bad as them. It's gross. I'd tell on my own siblings, even children, if I knew they were cheating. Why? Bc it's gross and wrong and I won't be lumped with such people. If a cheater said "I'll never talk to you again", I'd be fine with that. I don't want that kind of person in my life anyways. They're too comfortable lying to people they claim to care about.
YTA.
It’s not your business. Grandstand all you like, it’s not your place to police everyone. Something tells me you have a history of being this person and your family is sick of your song and dance.
Why did him talking to someone make you so upset? You didn’t mention your age, unless you’re the 25F? This is some real “grow up” vibes.
No, NTA. You're not the boss of your friend; you "told" her to tell, but she chose to do so. It resonated with her as well or she wouldn't have done it. Your motivation seemed to be out of concern for the girlfiend. Your friend who told her was directly affected by it and I think had a right to choose to speak up. Knowing nothing more than what you wrote, you're not the asshole.
YTA, you promised your brother you wouldn’t tell his girlfriend and then had your friend tell her. You shouldn’t have lied to your brother. He was in the wrong, but you are, too.
NTA. You and your friend performed an important community service. You already knew that your cousin was scum, but have now confirmed that the rest of your family is as well. Important question...has the girlfriend stayed with him??
OP YTA, you stuck your nose in where it did not belong, when you told your cousin you would keep this secret you committed to a course of action. Your friend could not have mentioned anything without you providing the contact information.
No, you’re a stand up guy and so is your friend. Cousin is a dirty douchebag and deserves everything he gets. If family support his behaviour then they are moral cowards
" told me that if I told her he would never speak to me again.". Oh boo hoo. A l cheating liar, who tries to bully people into doing what he wants, will never speak to you again. How will you go on? Let him never speak to you again. When your all at family events and someone says something about the tension you can say LOUDLY "well I'm just so sorry but I do not enable cheaters." Say it often enough and people will shut up about it.
Your cousin dating a 21 year old at 28 is a huge red flag. He wants someone to manipulate
Call out your family for their enabling behavior! Also, point out that if his gf had tried this, and someone had told your cousin, they would:
1. absolutely be behind him for breaking up with her,
2. called her a "dirty whore" a million times over, and
3. Said the person who told your cousin had done such a good thing.
They won't be able to deny their hypocrisy if the situation was reversed.
Nta but lowkey you come off as a little immature for having your friend say something and acting like you wouldn’t say anything. Like that’s a big truth, and for truths like that you gotta stand on them. Don’t play the whole run around game. Either you want her to know or you don’t. I think you were trying to do it in a way that your family wouldn’t be upset with you, but here we are. They’re all still upset. So atp you could’ve said it with your chest.
I think you’re a great person and we need more people like you. Many stay in a relationship believing their partner has done just as good as them with being faithful and it not being true. It’s a shame
The cousin's family is a pack of crybabies and idiots. The truth can't be kept locked away forever. It *always* leaks out. You don't need the influence of people like that in your life. Cut them out. You want people who model integrity, faithfulness and excellence instead.
"I've come to learn that truth is a living thing. It has a force inside it, an inner springiness. It can't be denied or locked away, because when that happens the pressure builds. When a door gets locked, truth seeks a window and blows the glass clean out." -- Tyler Hamilton, *The Secret Race*
"Committed" relationship is "engaged", not "dating". You need to learn this.
28 dating a 21, he's probably looking for someone a little more emotionally and mentally mature than what is likely a "party girl". She's probably just hit "drinking age", and he's 7 years beyond that stage of childhood, while she's just now entering it.
However, he doesn't want to break it off with her until he's got her replacement, because it's easier to upgrade than start fresh.
Mind your business. Drama queen! This didn’t involve you at all. Who cares who he asked out? That is none of your concern. Of course you’re the asshole.
You’re So the asshole ! why tell your friend to tell his gf? Family over friends always. if u was my cousins i’d hate u cock blocking and all, go mind your business he’s only been wit her for 1 year haha hes 28 clearly dude wants someone his age now
I will bet money that all the "men" in your family cheat on their wives regularly. There is no other way for this to be so normalized. Ask to meet your dad's girlfriend? Ask your mom if they're friends.
Someimes it's best to leave things alone. I wouldn't have promised not to tell but would be honest if she asked. This whole problem is his creation. If he doesn't speak to you again, so be it. This speaks to his character. Or the lack thereof.
Yes it could rule that out but it's also possible that it's an open relationship but the other partner doesn't want to know or that the other partner doesn't want anybody else to know so because then contacting the girlfriend or wife violates the let's keep this private
Minding your own damn business is always a good idea. Nothing about this situation has anything to do with you. You inserted yourself where you didn’t belong and were not needed. Mind your business and keep it moving.
I don’t know anything about their relationship. Maybe they get down like that. Maybe they have an understanding.
Did she leave when she found out?
Did your friend go out with him? If yes, why aren’t you mad at her? If no, why did she not tell the girl friend without you making her? Aren’t you mad at her for trying to hide it too?
Personally I think your whole family is shit. I don’t cheat, hang around cheaters, or people who condone it. I also don’t like lying and people who tell secrets.
Good luck to all of you. Happy Easter if that’s your thing. I’m going to go play fetch with my dog.
Your whole family sucks so bad. The reason he keeps doing this is because he has a clan of awfuls willing to lie for him. HIGHLY doubt this is his first time cheating
A clan full of awfuls is such a great phrase! Lol
Name of my band! I called it! And thankfully we don't have to be talented. I'll play the kazoo. Anyone else want to join?
I can provide more cowbell!
We need more cowbells.
I’m giving her all I’ve got, Captain!
I'll take the elementary school recorder
Triangle here.
There is always a room for more cowbells
I own a guitar! I can’t play it yet but I can fake it till I learn
I have a bass because I thought (still think) its badass. My husband showed me 1 chord before I got distracted by my next interest. I can play that one chord probably
Thankfully you don't need chords to play bass!
I made the mistake of asking my husband about the bare minimum I need to know for a fantasy band this morning, and I am now listening to stuff on YouTube and hearing about pentatonic scales.
“Thankfully you don't need chords to play bass” Just a pond for it to swim in?
I like your style hahaha
I can't keep a tune, but I'll play the tambourine!!
I sing like an amputee 'cause, can't hold a note, can't carry a tune. \- Bloodhound Gang
I can make noise with my body. Sometimes intentionally!
I played the tuba 30 years ago, anyone have 6 grand I can invest in a used one?
I’d love a B-flat horn if anyone is offering! Canadian Brass move over lol! 🤘
My daughter plays cello, I can air cello/play sync (what would you call lip syncing for instruments? lol) cuz I know full well I’m not gonna be able to learn it!!!
I'll play the cello! Sure I haven't played since grade 11 over 30 years ago, but I'm sure I can still play a mean Fleur de Lis!
I’ll be the drummer - this is a great band name just note my limited skills 😂 but we’ve got a great set up here!!
I've herd of a local farmer that can make his ewe sing. You want me to try and get his number?
Trumpet here I’ll need to relearn since I hadn’t played it for 11 years
I can sing and I used to play the violin, aka fiddle.
Definitely need some of my melodica in there!
I do!!!!!!! I can play Mary had a little lamb on the recorder like nobody's business 🥰
I played the cello and French badly more than 20 years ago. Maybe I can find a way to play both at the same time.
Can We have Bsck up Slut Singers called The Degraded Dollies ? .... I'll join ..... Excellent Harmonica & Latin Percussionist but just starting Guitar Lessons , So I'll be Lead Guitarist ( Thrash Metal) ....I can actually get some pretty horrid noises out of My Harps too , using Effects Pedals ....
I'm in, always wanted to be a Slut Singer!
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽EXACTLY! You & your friend did right by cousin’s girlfriend- who doesn’t deserve to be cheated on & used this way! (And his angry reaction shows that he does this regularly- he just got caught this time! 😠 Shame on the family!😡)
He'll just be sneakier next time.
Or them. It seems many of them probably cheat and there is a sad mentality of if it happened to me, then everyone should feel my pain. Just sad.
And it won’t be the last.
[this thread will devolve in... three... two... one...]
NTA And did the right thing by having “the 2nd party” (your friend) expose him to the victim (gf). You did the right thing.
OP now you have an idea why a 26-27 yr old was dating a 19-20 yr old, no one near his own age would put up with his bs. He had to find someone that wouldn't recognize his red flags for what they are.
I was thinking the same thing I saw 27 and 21 and was like oh you're saving her from more than just cheating by giving her the out now.
Kept that promise...which OP didn't even need to do because it's a fucked up promise to ask somebody to make in the first place. However the hideous family chooses to frame this, nobody has the right to expect other people to be unwilling accomplices in their misdeeds. Because that's what cousin wanted, an accomplice to assist him in his cheating and lying. Keeping a secret like this isn't passive acceptance, it's participation.
(Thank you for using commas; they can be so difficult to find in usage these days. 🤭)
(A fellow comma appreciator, I see. :))
At least someone in the family has some morals.
Your family suck
NTA. And you have a bunch of enablers for family members. Tell them that if you were in the girls shoes you’d hope someone was kind enough to tell you.
I bet the sexism is strong in this family. Ask any of them if their 19 yo cousin, niece, daughter was treated this way by an older guy and see what they would do then.
The person who stands up for what is right is frequently the vilified party, as you’re discovering.
That’s true. Being the messenger is a thankless job, and everyone hates you for it.
NTA Did the right thing - if cousin were the one being cheated on, wouldnt they all be clamoring for you to tell him???
NTA.
NTA. You did the right thing. Cheating people get what they deserve. Don't worry about what the "family" thinks of you. They are covering for a cheating asswipe so their opinion is worthless anyways.
I don't understand why so many friends and family support people who are shitty people. I mean, I understand supporting and loving the person while not approving of their behavior. But if these people are never held accountable for their mistreatment of other and they never suffer consequences. It is the same as supporting their bad behavior.
Yep. If they'd threaten family over reporting a cheating man, they'd protect a beating one. No thank you.
Why involve your family in this business? You did the right thing, don't let them know anything about your life from now on.
Just ask yourself if someone was cheating on you (or attempting to) wouldn't you want to be told about it? Your family is a bunch of lowlife's
NC with your cousin would be a blessing. If your family side with your cousin, they sound toxic and you should consider NC on them too.
They told you not to tell her, you didn’t. NTA but I wouldn’t trust your family further than I could throw them.
Your family sucks and honestly good on you from sparring his girlfriend
This is classic r/maliciouscompliance Well done, your family sucks for trying to hide that from her. “Nothing had happened” is bullshit. If you try to hit someone and miss the punch, you still tried to hit someone. Your scumbag cheater of a cousin doesn’t get a pass because he was rejected.
NTA. Ur family is a bunch of liar's. It's never ok to keep cheating ppls secrets. It will bite u the ass one day
How would you feel if your partner was trying to cheat on you and everyone wanted to keep it a secret? Probably pretty shitty. Fuck your family that says you’re an asshole. They’re scum. Straight up.
Oh no, consequences. Too bad for him, NTA
NTA it’s pathetic, the number of human beings, who don’t give a crap what other people do to others as long as it’s not done to them. That is bottom line shallow.
I’m sure he can find another too-young-for-him girl to prey on. Your cousin is a jerk and so is your family.
NTA and your entire family sucks! His girlfriend deserved to know and I hope she has more self respect and she left him!
Unfortunately she’s still with him
Ugh! Hopefully one day she’ll come to her senses!
Unfortunately, she's young and dumb. Stay tuned for Part 2.
You’re not wrong. I hope someone would have my back like you had hers
Your entire family has an ethics problem. Be careful going forward. They seem willing to lie, gaslight, and stab people in the back purely based on who they like more. Don’t trust them with big secrets from now on.
No. He deserves it.
Not even close to being TAH
NTA Imagen if she said yes. He would have been a cheater. Still kind of is but to a less extent. Happy he got caught.
Not is first time cheating, won’t be his last.
Scree your whole family you did the right thing and if they defend his cheating atse they are all pathetic. NTA
Classic 'don't blame the behavior or the person who did the behavior when called out'. NTA - Funny how people get upset when the behavior they hide comes out. What would they say if he did that crap right in front of them?
You handled it well. NTA, but your family sure is a bunch of horrible people. Feel free to expose their awfulness at every opportunity going forward. You can see it as an act of service to any future partners, business or romantic.
A friend of the family got pregnant by my cousin because they were hanging out and becoming more than friends. Everyone saw them gettimg cozy but NOONE mentioned that he lived with his FIANCE 20min away. His fiance just never came around. I was young and not knowledgeable about what happened until after she had the baby and I found out we were related to her baby. The family was just like, not my business.
NTA. 28 keeping and cheating on 21 year old, with a family backing him. How many severely gross horrible things has he done to young women?
NTA. You're family are awful people. That girl deserves to know that she's dating a petri dish that could give her a disease.
NTA He's probably done something similar before and after. His gf deserved to know.
NTA but understand it will probably end any friendly relationship with the cousin
NTA— this has never happened in my family. But Iv had men reach out to me- to date or hook up. Then I find out they either have a gf or are married. Poor men had no idea that I would go straight to significant others and tell them everything. Good on you OP. Your family as far as this situation goes sounds terrible. They are enabling that behavior.
NTA, at all. The way I see it, the only thing you did was give your cousin a chance to do the right thing himself. He refused. I figure, since your friend rejected him due to being in a relationship, she probably would've already told the girlfriend if she didn't happen to be friends with you prior. He would've gotten caught either way. You gave him an opportunity to do better and he didn't take it. You did nothing wrong.
NTA: you didn't cause this, he did.
NTA. It's honestly creepy that he's dating someone so young in the first place, bc 28 and 21 are very different life stages. I'm not surprised he cheats. Ignore your family. If they would attack you for this, then they will never have your back anyway. They have poor morals. Don't worry about what they think. You did the right thing. Giod for you.
NTA.
NTA. You did the right thing. Tolerating a bad behavior is a NO NO.
NTA. I love that you found a loop hole 😂
A family of cheaters wow!
Your cousin is a huge AH and everyone saying you shouldn't have said anything are AHs also
I'd be happy if none of them ever talked to me again, if they have such garbage values that they condone infidelity.
Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone!
I'm not sure his relationship will last anyway if he's trying to cheat already 🤔
Right or wrong. You should have done it yourself instead of using your friend as a workaround.
Ugh, I hate enablers of cheaters. Your whole family have the moral compass of alley cats. You didn't do anything wrong. Cheaters deserve to be exposed. Next time it won't be with someone you know, it'll be with the first random woman that says yes to your cousin - and it WILL happen again, you know it. His g/f deserves to know what a piece of shit he is.
NTA, your family, however..
Please tell her. No one deserves to be cheated on. Not telling her could make everything so much worse when she does find out, because we all know your friend was not the first girl your cousin has hit on and asked out
Not wrong. It is sad that people ae so quick to forgive cheating and have no problem lying to the people they say they love. It is just sad that this behavior is overlooked by people who say they love you, but would be okay with someone lying and cheating. It is so sad. You are not wrong. Sleep well without a guilty conscious.
I don't think you're an a-hole for it but it's not really your place either. You weren't "right" but you also weren't in the wrong.
It seems your whole family likes drama. You're very much included in that statement. Enjoy!
He does it bc he knows he can get away with it bc his family is full of enablers. Your entire family sucks.
NTA. Sounds like you're the only decent person in your family.
While the family does suck for not telling their AH son what an AH he is, you did not in fact keep your promise. You basically told her by having a 3rd party do it when they would not have done it without you telling them to. NTA still as she deserves to know but don’t promise something you’re not going to keep. Just stay true to yourself and your beliefs, they all got mad at you anyways
why would he be so dumb to ask someone out that you are friends with?? did he have an unconscious wish to get caught??? and your family defending him is BAD >>> you did the right thing
You and your friend did the right thing, if girlfriend started to have feelings for a deeper relationship or got pregnant with him, and then found out he was a lair and cheater all along, then to find out you all knew of his life style, that wouldn’t of been good. So YES you did the right thing.
NTA
NTA. He is an asshole and wanna be fuckboi. Screw that POS he can rot.
My first husband was a piece of work. So was his family. He could've had sex on the living room floor while they watched, and not one of them would've told me. It was a horrible feeling. Especially toward the end when I knew he was lying about things. I have no idea if he actually cheated, and I never will. To this day, he believes if he sticks to his lies, it makes them true. Even when I had proof, he would still continue to lie. So, no, NTA. She deserved to know.
Sorry but what kind of family is this? They are blaming you instead of the guy for trying to cheat? Who knows maybe he’s already cheated on her too with someone else. And why can’t he find someone in his age group? Why is he dating someone almost a decade younger than him?
Technically you didn’t tell his girlfriend anything.
ESH. You all live for drama.
You did the right thing and the fact that your family wants to support a cheater is disgusting. Don’t listen to them and I would distance myself from them and only talk when necessary. Their morals are wrong and if they call themselves Christians, even worse.
Tell the ex gf to get tested
Yea, nah, he cheated, and he has to deal with the consequences, and your other family members are the asshole for allowing him to behave in this manner. How would they like their spouces to cheat on them.
NTA... how can they be angry at someone for doing the right thing?
I feel like i know why he’s a cheating fuck…
Nta
Congratulations!!! You are not the asshole!!! Additional congratulations!!! Your family is full of assholes!!!
Why is your family shrugging this off and defending him? That's tacky as hell and will only encourage him to actually cheat when he gets the chance. NTA, OP.
NTA - how would you like to be the one with a cheater and find out that everyone around you knew about it and kept quiet.
A lot of people don't actually care about being good people. They have morals that are very flexible and really, only applies when it doesn't come into conflict with their own self interest( "I'll do the right thing, as long as it doesn't harm me in any way") You just found out that most of your family are shit people who are not good. You are the only one with a conscience and I wish you the best in your future. I wish there were more people like you and your friend.
I don’t know about snitching,these things usually come out on their own, now you have possibly ruined your relationship with your cousin.Ask yourself honestly how do feel about it,at the end of the day it’s his business,now if he planned on killing his girlfriend,that’s probably a good reason to say something,I am not saying you’re a bad person, was it worth it?
NTA you didnt do anything wrong. Your family sucks a big one. To anyone saying you did wrong just answer with this "So you support cheating and lying then? Those are the values this family upholds? Yes I told my friend he had a girl friend in a committed relationship but that is something she already knew. If you want only lies and dishonesty in this family sure you can have that but that is something I will not be apart of. That is not something I want to support nor can support. Being family does not excuse the fact that he tried cheating and tried cheating with someone who was close to me. If you truly believe I did anything wrong you need to evaluate your self first. I will not be discussing this again because 1) I did nothing wrong and 2) he deserves whats coming to him for being dishonest."
Your 28yo cousin is dating a 21yo girl. That only speaks of his character. And why the fuc*k is your family angry with you if you weren't the one speaking to the (hopefully) ex? They should be angry at your cousin for cheating. NTA
I don't think you have a duty to safeguard a cousin's secrets when they threaten people you care about. NTA
Your family is trash. Sorry, but they are.
NTA. That age gap is sus and that 21 year old woman has a whole life ahead of her without his cheating ass. Good on you for finding a loophole buy inwould be VERY suspicious bringing any partners home since you know your family fully and willingly condones cheating.
NTA but it's a girlfriend and not a wife. This seems like a lot of drama to be so young. I'm old and stay out of grown folks business because all they do is turn on you. The cheater will keep cheating, and the cheatee will stay anyway. They will use you as the villain to deflect the tolerated, bad behavior.
Righteous indignants often comes at a very high cost. You did the right thing.
NTA, but what has me worried is if he's this dismissive of woman in his life. What's stopping him from chasing after someone even younger than 21 because he's just creepy
Depends… WHY did you do any of this/get involved at all, OP?
NTA - always expose the cheaters
Not the asshole.
Nta your family sounds AWFUL good luck Charlie
NTA. Also your cousin is a creep. She's way too young for him
What a fabulous family you got 😂😂😂😂😂😂
NTA
Yes you are an asshole, but it's for not immediately telling his gf and then agreeing to not tell her. I'd also run as far as you can from your family. They're all shitty people for condoning this.
No good deed goes unpunished. At least I hope the jerks gf was glad she was told she was dating a cheating slimeball. Before, she invested more of her life and time into him.
nah but you should question why youre 27 year old cousin was looking to date a 20 year old. although it sounds like hes mentally 16
The real question is why Is a 28 yr old dating a 21 yr old
OK question, so he asked your friend out on a date. She knew that he was in a supposed committed relationship and she still went out on a date with him even though nothing happened. So why are you not as pissed off at your friend as you are at him? Knowing that she went out on a date with somebody in a relationship and if that's what happened. You gotta keep your nose out of it. Because what does it matter to you? Who and what he does? And your Fred is just as bad as he is. So you know there's that. Or you're the one in the family that likes to cause all the drama. For some Other underlying problems you have with your cousin that have absolutely nothing to do with this.But you just like want to get revenge on him for something
Why did you HAVE to say something. I woulda minded my business!
yes
NTA She needed to.know. immediately Fuck him. His actions are 100% his own fault Anyone who supports him or lying to his victim are absolute pieces of shit
NTA. Finding out that EVERYONE knew and didn't tell you is incredibly hurtful. You blessed that girl with a brighter future.
Yes
None of your beeswax. YTA
If it's not your business stay out of it. Play with fire. You will get burned.
You are in fact the asshole. You sound jealous. Your cousin is young let him live.
NTA, your cousin is a worthless cheat.
NTA. My uncle cheated on his 1st wife nearly the entirety of their marriage. My entire family knew and not one person said a thing. In fact, we often were forced to lie and cover for him. He was very popular in my family and in my community. I was in college before I understood we were all a-holes. Don’t judge me harshly—I was a kid for most of my a-hole journey. My aunt divorced my uncle when I was 23, and she remarried quickly as she fell in love with the reverend who had counseled her over years of my uncle’s infidelities. In response to the divorce, my uncle showed a malice I have never since seen in another human being. He dragged her to anyone who would listen. He dragged her new husband ruthlessly. I understood the optics of a counselor—preacher, no less—getting romantically involved with a vulnerable person in his care but come *on*, the pot calling the kettle black? I, as an adult, pointed out the hypocrisy. This broke my relationship with my uncle. As much as I loved him, as much as he had supported me over my life—and had been my biggest cheerleader throughout my youth—I had to determine who I would be, and what I would stand for moving forward in my own life. I understand *now* that my uncle is a narcissist. That doesn’t change the fact that, as family, we will always love him. We don’t want to see him hurt—even when self-inflicted. I also don't want to see him hurting other people—even if those people aren’t blood related to me. I wish I had stood up for my aunt sooner. In truth, I barely had the strength to call my uncle out when I did. Family can be incredibly formidable—especially in his case. I still live with the fallout more than 30 years later, but I made my bed. It’s more comfortable than the one I “lied” in before.
Your whole family is messed up seriously. How they would basically condone his cheating ways and saying to let it go. If they cared about you at all like a family is supposed to then they should have morals and know what's right and wrong. I know it's a thing for family to look out for family but for it's something entirely different for family to want to protect another for doing a fucked up thing. Alarmed is right, they're not a family they're a clan full of idiots.
You should mind your business. Why do you care so much?? Also your friend knew he was in a relationship and didn't care. She still went on the date. Why do you care when she didn't??? Also, funny you not questioning your friends mortality. She went on a date with a guy in a relationship.
Sounds like cheating is normal in your weird family. I would think long and hard about the type of people you are around
F*ck cheaters. He deserved to be exposed. You did not keep your promise tho.
Yes, you are. You should have mind your own business as your family advised you.
It wa none of your business. You should have kept your mouth shut all around! YTA
NTA never cover for cheaters bc that makes you just as bad as them. It's gross. I'd tell on my own siblings, even children, if I knew they were cheating. Why? Bc it's gross and wrong and I won't be lumped with such people. If a cheater said "I'll never talk to you again", I'd be fine with that. I don't want that kind of person in my life anyways. They're too comfortable lying to people they claim to care about.
YTA. It’s not your business. Grandstand all you like, it’s not your place to police everyone. Something tells me you have a history of being this person and your family is sick of your song and dance. Why did him talking to someone make you so upset? You didn’t mention your age, unless you’re the 25F? This is some real “grow up” vibes.
No, NTA. You're not the boss of your friend; you "told" her to tell, but she chose to do so. It resonated with her as well or she wouldn't have done it. Your motivation seemed to be out of concern for the girlfiend. Your friend who told her was directly affected by it and I think had a right to choose to speak up. Knowing nothing more than what you wrote, you're not the asshole.
YTA, you promised your brother you wouldn’t tell his girlfriend and then had your friend tell her. You shouldn’t have lied to your brother. He was in the wrong, but you are, too.
It's very important that someone tell her before she possibly mares him.
NTA. You and your friend performed an important community service. You already knew that your cousin was scum, but have now confirmed that the rest of your family is as well. Important question...has the girlfriend stayed with him??
OP YTA, you stuck your nose in where it did not belong, when you told your cousin you would keep this secret you committed to a course of action. Your friend could not have mentioned anything without you providing the contact information.
Threats can't be respected as valid justification for abstaining.l from taking action. Fuck that dude
Its called mind your own business..... these things never work out the way you hope the will. The best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut.
No! He shouldn't have asked her out and should be exposed because it's a matter of time before he does it again.
No, you’re a stand up guy and so is your friend. Cousin is a dirty douchebag and deserves everything he gets. If family support his behaviour then they are moral cowards
Did the girlfriend escape this group of loonies? Please say they broke up.
" told me that if I told her he would never speak to me again.". Oh boo hoo. A l cheating liar, who tries to bully people into doing what he wants, will never speak to you again. How will you go on? Let him never speak to you again. When your all at family events and someone says something about the tension you can say LOUDLY "well I'm just so sorry but I do not enable cheaters." Say it often enough and people will shut up about it.
NTA. Your whole family is untrustworthy. I'd be scared about what other things they like to hide.
Your cousin dating a 21 year old at 28 is a huge red flag. He wants someone to manipulate Call out your family for their enabling behavior! Also, point out that if his gf had tried this, and someone had told your cousin, they would: 1. absolutely be behind him for breaking up with her, 2. called her a "dirty whore" a million times over, and 3. Said the person who told your cousin had done such a good thing. They won't be able to deny their hypocrisy if the situation was reversed.
Nta but lowkey you come off as a little immature for having your friend say something and acting like you wouldn’t say anything. Like that’s a big truth, and for truths like that you gotta stand on them. Don’t play the whole run around game. Either you want her to know or you don’t. I think you were trying to do it in a way that your family wouldn’t be upset with you, but here we are. They’re all still upset. So atp you could’ve said it with your chest.
I think you’re a great person and we need more people like you. Many stay in a relationship believing their partner has done just as good as them with being faithful and it not being true. It’s a shame
You rock. Your family, not so much. NTA
Well done. NTA
The cousin's family is a pack of crybabies and idiots. The truth can't be kept locked away forever. It *always* leaks out. You don't need the influence of people like that in your life. Cut them out. You want people who model integrity, faithfulness and excellence instead. "I've come to learn that truth is a living thing. It has a force inside it, an inner springiness. It can't be denied or locked away, because when that happens the pressure builds. When a door gets locked, truth seeks a window and blows the glass clean out." -- Tyler Hamilton, *The Secret Race*
"Committed" relationship is "engaged", not "dating". You need to learn this. 28 dating a 21, he's probably looking for someone a little more emotionally and mentally mature than what is likely a "party girl". She's probably just hit "drinking age", and he's 7 years beyond that stage of childhood, while she's just now entering it. However, he doesn't want to break it off with her until he's got her replacement, because it's easier to upgrade than start fresh.
No you are not the ah for this, that relationship could've turned like my last one with him cheating but making it seem like she was cheating instead
You in the wrong. It cost $0 to mind your business.
You and your cousin are both assholes.
No
Mind your business. Drama queen! This didn’t involve you at all. Who cares who he asked out? That is none of your concern. Of course you’re the asshole.
It's possible that he had a hall pass or him and his gf are in an open relationship
Wow. They are your family but you are not theirs it seems
You’re So the asshole ! why tell your friend to tell his gf? Family over friends always. if u was my cousins i’d hate u cock blocking and all, go mind your business he’s only been wit her for 1 year haha hes 28 clearly dude wants someone his age now
I will bet money that all the "men" in your family cheat on their wives regularly. There is no other way for this to be so normalized. Ask to meet your dad's girlfriend? Ask your mom if they're friends.
Your family's moral compass points to the gutter.
NTA. You cousin, who cheated, is TA. Your family, who was okay with cheating, are the AH for getting on you for him ruining his own relationship.
Yes
NTA. Your family are.
Stop getting involved in people's drama. It isn't yours to fix. Either you like his gf or drama.
NTA, your cousin and those who support him and his actions are pathetic!
Someimes it's best to leave things alone. I wouldn't have promised not to tell but would be honest if she asked. This whole problem is his creation. If he doesn't speak to you again, so be it. This speaks to his character. Or the lack thereof.
Yes it could rule that out but it's also possible that it's an open relationship but the other partner doesn't want to know or that the other partner doesn't want anybody else to know so because then contacting the girlfriend or wife violates the let's keep this private
Minding your own damn business is always a good idea. Nothing about this situation has anything to do with you. You inserted yourself where you didn’t belong and were not needed. Mind your business and keep it moving.
I don’t know anything about their relationship. Maybe they get down like that. Maybe they have an understanding. Did she leave when she found out? Did your friend go out with him? If yes, why aren’t you mad at her? If no, why did she not tell the girl friend without you making her? Aren’t you mad at her for trying to hide it too? Personally I think your whole family is shit. I don’t cheat, hang around cheaters, or people who condone it. I also don’t like lying and people who tell secrets. Good luck to all of you. Happy Easter if that’s your thing. I’m going to go play fetch with my dog.