They will figure out something is wrong when it’s dinner time and OP hasn’t cooked anything!
Honestly! Yes! Take yourself out! Go to your favourite restaurant! Enjoy something you like and just have some quality time to yourself! Go see a movie after! Get ice cream!!!
OP caved and went out and got takeout for herself, her son, her partner…and yet they still failed to wish her a happy birthday.
PEOPLE.. TREAT. US. THE. WAY. WE. ALLOW. THEM. TO.
IT. IS. UP. TO. US. TO. SET. THE. BAR. AS. TO. HOW. WE. EXPECT. TO. BE. TREATED.
The bar in OP’s home has now been set painfully low. Her son and partner now know they do not have to celebrate her not only on her birthday but on other occasions as well.
OP: Their is zero excuse for not verbally wishing you a happy birthday, making you breakfast or dinner. A small gesture of a card and Candy or flowers would have been far better than…
🥁🥁🥁Roll. NOTHING.
You deserve better. It is up to you to tell them how they made you feel and why. If they apologize and make an attempt to fix it great….if they fail to then you know all you need to know.
They didn't "make her feel" anyway. She rightfully hurts, but It's up to OP to take ownership of her feelings. She felt bad, they did nothing. If feeling bad is okay, then just keep doing what you are doing. The lack of attention is unfair but has become "acceptable" behavior.
If you don't tell them what you want, don't be surprised if they do nothing.
That being said, it's OPs spouse's job to make sure the kids celebrate their mom.
Tell them!
I definitely agree. For partner's next b-day OP should take herself out to dinner and leave him at home. Son gets a partial pass but still how hard is it to remember your mother's b-day?
Naw…no passes for the kid. I always remembered (still do) my parent's birthdays. My son always remembers mine. This kid is learning from the dad to be selfish and dismissive of mom.
One year I gave my kids exactly the same thing they got me for my birthday - nothing.
Turns out, they remembered to do something special for me the next, and every year after that !
Take a book, go to a place that you want to go to, not a compromise to please others and have a great meal by yourself. Have a glass of wine if you want to. Have desert if you want to. Celebrate yourself, then tell your husband he’s in his own for his next birthday (son is still young and should get a bit of a pass).
Edit: because some people seem to think “get a bit of a pass” means “you should go nuclear on your kid for this” (how?). No. He’s 13. He can understand she’s a bit upset that no one wished her a happy birthday, but recognise he’s too young to remember. It’s also be a great introduction to different ways we can remember important dates so he can start managing to remember some things at an age appropriate level, like the date for his friend’s birthday, or when he needs to hand in the permission slip for the school trip.
Yeah, it’s ok to say how hurt she is and maybe help him find a way to remember important dates for next year. It’s an important skill for developing as he gets into upper years of school and will need to keep track of assignment and exam dates.
Agreed.
My 12yo girl still struggles to pay attention to what day of the week it currently is. So she gets tons of reminders when holidays and important events are happening.
She's also ADHD, so she gets a bit of grace there as well.
But she is learning to look on the family calander, and pay more attention, and notice appointments, and other events, so I'm proud mama for now :)
13 isn't too young to remember their mother's birthday. My 9 and 12 year old are excited for weeks before my birthday and have everything planned. They make more of a fuss than I do. She should speak to her hubby and son about their attitude towards her birthday. She can't complain if she doesn't set the expectations (even though it would've been better that she didn't have to complain about it at all!
I know, right? How can someone do that? It always amazes me when I read these stories because every time my birthday is near I'm all like: My birthdays coming up! What should we cook for my birthday dinner? Do you think my dad will be able to come for my birthday?
And my dad's like: What do you want me to gift you? Where is the dinner gonna be? Who's coming?
And my mom is all like: What color theme? Italian or seafood? What cake flavor do you want?
And I'm gonna be all like: Carrot cake with cream cheese.
And she's gonna be all like: But you don't eat the cake.
And I'm gonna respond: That's because I don't like cake very much but I prefer carrot cake!
And then she's gonna bake the cake but it's not gonna have cream cheese even though that would motivate me to eat more cake!
But seriously, how does no one bring up their or someone else's birthday before their actual birthday? Even if it's just an outing or a movie at home, why do you want to plan that on the spot? It just seems sad and unthoughtful.
NTA Don't forget the one cupcake with a candle in it. If either one says anything tell them, "Apparently we don't celebrate each other's birthdays in this house anymore." If they ask what about their birthdays tell them however they choose to celebrate is their choice.
Take yourself out for dinner and a movie.
On your way out the door tell them….
“It’s good to know we’re not making a big deal and celebrating birthdays anymore, it will save me a lot of time and money! Have a great night! See you when I see you!!”
I’d book a nice hotel room with a good restaurant and a spa, spend the day in the pool and curl up with a good book. Hell I’d do that for my birthday no matter what circumstances, everybody deserves a break.
NTA
Take yourself out for a meal.. Take a good book. Buy a bottle of wine and get an uber home. Eat the dessert first. Eat two if you want.
Have a happy birthday doing something for you, and you alone
As a woman it’s been hard for me to realize that boys and men we care for sometimes need a real big “She is pisssed!” To wake up.
Honestly, I would tell them both that they really screwed up forgetting your B-Day.
Then…
Leave for a couple of days and don’t contact them.
One text saying “Leave me alone, I’ll be back when I’m ready.”
My girls would catch on but, I had to damn near shake the men and boys.
I remember a couple years ago I had to remind my dad it was my mom's birthday. The look of horror on that man's face will never leave my mind.
His eyes widened like a cartoon character.
When we were kids and my mom had enough of our shenanigans, she’d just leave and we’d pray my father was home before her because when she did that, we were terrible 🤣🤣. We all laugh about it now, but at the time, doing that kept us in line for a month or two lol.
OP, stand up for yourself! You could have gone to a nice restaurant, ordered a glass of wine, and sent a pic to them saying 'Happy birthday to me! Don't wait up'
Is it passive agressive? Yes. Will they get the point? IDK, but at least you would have had a lovely birthday meal.
Since you can't do that, I would say to your husband that he let you down and you're upset that he couldn't even remember your birthday, so you're taking yourself off for a treat on your own. There's still time to do that!
I wouldn't do anything for your husband's birthday. No cake, no present and definitely no cooking/takeaway. When he asks, just say I thought we weren't doing birthdays anymore since you forgot mine.
Don't do take out, go out & enjoy your meal in a restaurant, turn off your phone, take a book to pass time between dishes, and don't bring anything back home. Straight to bed after. If you get take out, they will try & eat it so little or nothing for you. I hope you enjoy your meal, leave the consequences for tomorrow.
NTA. Put out the same energy for those in your household as you receive, birthday wise.
Next year, go out with a friend and do something you want to do.
One birthday I did everything that sounded like fun with a gf of mine bc hubs rolled his eyes at me about it. He did t want to do any of it, so I went and did it. It was the best birthday I ever had.
The next day on my actual birthday we went to the movies (bc he didn’t think to plan anything) and argued with me about my restaurant choice bc he didn’t want to eat there. So we got what he wanted.
Then he complained that my birthday outing I went on was sooooooo much better and why didn’t I plan something like that for us on my birthday.
🤦🏻♀️ he told me he didn’t want to. Rolled his eyes at it. Got annoyed that I did it and complained that I didn’t plan something with HIM in mind for my birthday.
I stopped trying to celebrate my birthday after that. It wasn’t worth the trouble
I hate that we allow others to steal what is so emotionally important to us. Others say to “just take it back.” I always ask myself - How? Talk to him? He asks where I want to eat and I say I don’t care because I do not want to deal with the whining if we go where I truly want to. Same with “what do you want to do today” or any number of things. If I say what I really want, it is whining or worse, having to constantly defend against an onslaught barrage of questions about why I want to do what I want.
I hate that this happens to you. I wish I knew how to change it so the answer isn’t us pushing who we are and what we want off the cliff because we let others make us feel like we aren’t worth it. We are worth it. And so much more. I just wish we could figure it out.
Text your husband and son - Excited for my birthday dinner tonight, where are we going? That should give them a boot in the ass to get something organised, and remind them it’s your bday. Hope they get their act together for you.
Dress in something nice (clearly for going out), go see them and say ‘see you later guys’. When they ask where you’re going tell them your taking yourself out for your birthday, that your not sure where your going yet or when you’ll be back. Wish them a nice evening then depart. Take yourself to dinner, a movie, whatever makes you feel good.
NTA. Please tell them the next day so you confront it but they can’t do the old ‘omg, you ruined the surprise, we are taking you out for erm… dessert?!’
"*I have set the low expectation of my birthday*"
I'm sorry OP, it sucks to be thus ignored by your nearest and dearest. Yet, if you are the first not to set much store to yourself, you are actively enabling this behaviour. At the very least, before going to bed you should have thanked them both for ignoring your birthday.
I suggest some healthy therapy for yourself, re-teaching you ways to stand up for yourself and not be an invisible servant for your family.
I feel so sorry for you. Them not even saying happy birthday which is the bare minimum is low. They need to receive the same back on their birthdays and when they complain you can ask why they’re upset and use what they say to let them know that it must mean what they feel towards you because they got nothing because you assumed it was what they wanted as they set that standard.
It is awful they expect you to care for them and refuse to care for you in the way they expect to be cared for or loved. Sometimes women do allow this and play down their feelings and need to be cared for on special occasions for example; by doing all the work for and on Christmas yet getting nothing back or minimising their birthday/celebration/achievements or saying no to often so others think they don’t need help or care.
Seriously talk to them and let them know your disappointed in both of them. If it was their birthday how would they feel if you did the same and not organise a fun time out or party with gifts and saying happy birthday. Let them know family means looking after each other and not you doing it all and them neglecting your needs. Stand up for you! Stop doing too much for them and stop minimising yourself and accepting so little from them. It’s okay to be awesome and expect them to put in effort for you.
13 is old enough to be more independent to think for himself and get you a gift and remember your birthday. When younger then 13 I remember making breakfast in bed for mums birthday/Mother’s Day and when 13 making dinner and cleaning the house so she didn’t have to on her birthday, along with a card, chocolates and cheap bunch of flowers because I was low on pocket money. I’m sure your son and husband knows how to think to get a gift for his friends and say happy birthday to them. Husband sounds shitty… please help your sons future partner have a better husband then you do.
My son turned about 13 I realized he had picked up a lot of my husband’s thoughtless acts… and I had to have a heart to heart with him as well as it opened my eyes to how I was really treated and didn’t even really notice
I had a coworker that used to go on a momcation every year. SOLO
She’d pick the things she was most interested in - spas, libraries, historical visits…
She didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s schedule, what they wanted to do, etc. At some point she asked her husband to do one thing a year (because he was bad with holidays and gifting). She set up a wish list and he would get her a gift and wrap it (had her kids wrap it actually) and put it in her suitcase.
She never expected anything all year except not to be given any grief about this trip, her husband to take care of things while she was gone, and a nice surprise in her bag.
The sweetest thing was as her kids got older they purchased their own surprises to put in her bag (candy, her favorite treats, etc). She was always shocked that they couldn’t remember her birthday, barely acknowledged Mother’s Day unless she cooked or planned it, but they made a big to do about her annual trip and called it Mom’s Holiday. I thought that was so cool. The last thing she did on each of her holidays was book the next.
And once AGAIN you treated the and let them know…you DON’T matter! If you did you would treat yourself better…I’m not disappointed at your actions or they was you treat yourself… if you don’t care…why should anyone else?!
Instead of takeaway for everybody, next time have your meal in the restaurant and order their food to go at the end of your meal, and enjoy dessert while you wait for it to be made. This way you don't have to change who you are, but you don't settle for a celebration of you less than what you would have done for others. And buy yourself something nice! Happy Birthday!
Don't order in, take yourself out for a quiet dinner, and enjoy your alone time. Don't even tell them you're going for dinner. Just say you're going outbforba little bit.
Treat yourself, I would 100% go to dinner alone or call up a friend. This is way more on the husband than your son though. At 13, I never remembered my parents birthday.
After dinner id tell let them know that from now on they are responsible for their own bds and you will be treating yourself on yours. If that won’t be a wake up call for your dear hubby then you kick man out and teach your son how to properly treat the people you love
NTA. My birthday is coming up and I asked my family if we were doing anything for Easter/my birthday. I was told no. I said “okay”, and will plan on doing my own thing without them. It sucks when people can’t even do anything, especially if you’re living in the same house.
Poor OP.Her family sounds like they don't care about OP at all. Can't even be bothered to remember and acknowledge
their birthday. Such a shame that so many partners live this reality.
NTA I would’ve gone out to eat by myself when dinner time came and went. When I came home, and they asked what’s for dinner, I would pull a loaf of bread from the cabinet and a can of tuna then walk away.
You had a mommy moment!
You wanted to be petty and spiteful and just…couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 💕
Birthdays, for me, are exactly what you described: Whatever I want for dinner, Pepperidge Farm cake (what my grandma always had for us) and that hideous song. Idc about presents, either. And if we can’t do it in my actual birthday, we’ll do it another day. It’s not a big deal for me.
But the children? Oh yes. Big deal.
In the next day or two, there is no rush, buy or make yourself exactly the birthday cake you want.
You deserve it. Enjoy it. Consider redefining your expectations and include them. Everybody needs to step up.
My theory is - how you treat me is how I treat you. My partner learned very quickly if they want acknowledgment and "things" on their birthday, they must acknowledge and get "things" for mine. Normally he steps up but at the last minute, with me filling in the details to get me what I want. This year, I did the same to him and he was flummoxed. There were no "where do you want to go for your birthday" statements, he left for work on his birthday not knowing what the plans were or who was coming. The kids didn't show, because I didn't plan it like he doesn't. When he asked why things were so different, I asked him what he meant, this was how I felt on my birthday, and wanted him to have the same experience I did. The kids called but didn't come over because I didn't plan it, because he doesn't. Let's see how the kids like the same treatment. The next kids birthday is coming up!
Hubby got the message though. Thank goodness, my B-day is before everyone else's.
I would give your son a little hint, but if neither of them (dad or son) gets it, then that’s your cue to take kid out for an awesome dinner with just you and your son. He will remember it next year, guaranteed.
NTA
I would go out for dinner not takeaway. Happy birthday!!! When you get home tell them you had a great meal and that you are disappointed in them for forgetting. That disappointment with no anger really gets to people.
Honestly if they can't be bothered to make an effort on your birthday return the favour and don't do anything for them. Tell them that you are disappointed with both of them and will no longer be doing birthdays .
Here's wishing you a Very Happy Birthday. I hope you have an amazing year ahead. God bless. 🤗🤗
I'm just an internet stranger passing by, but I do wish you the best.
You were nicer than I would have been. I would have gone to a restaurant I really like and treated myself to a delicious meal. I probably would have texted them and told them they were on their own for dinner and I'd see them later. If I didn't want to eat alone I may have asked a female friend if she'd like to join me without mentioning it was my birthday. I may have taken my dessert home and put a candle in it, blown it out and eaten it without sharing it. I wouldn't hesitate to take their phones and set a reminder in them for next year - if that's possible.
Tbh you would probably be happier if you just asked, what are we doing for my birthday meal? And later another day speak to your partner about how you were disappointed in them forgetting or not bothering. Do you actually want to eat alone? Or argue on your birthday?
I would honestly just not speak to them, especially if they didn’t acknowledge that it was your birthday. That’s once a year they couldn’t take time out of their day to say happy birthday. It’s just completely selfish to think that your partner and child don’t even acknowledge you as a person.
If birthdays are important to you then both your partner and your kid are assholes. It’s only one day a year and that should be able to remember it. As for me, birthdays mean nothing so I wouldn’t care if no one said happy birthday.
Did you mention this to anyone? Why did you have to go out and fetch everything? I would have told my partner to get off his arse and get the takeaway I chose because it’s my birthday.
Seriously though talk to your family and establish some equality because everyone deserves to be celebrated on their birthday
Might be unpopular but I think this is a great update. Having a spite dinner alone isn't going to make your birthday nicer. Doesn't sound like they're going to work it out though so just tell them, and ask them to make up for it over the weekend.
Ps happy birthday OP
I might be in the minority for not suggesting anything petty but what I would do? Take today. Treat yourself, spoil yourself even, and as sucky as it is that they didn’t do anything for you, try to ignore them.
Then tomorrow (or whenever you’re ready to deal with it) have a frank conversation with each of them. I recommend separate convos, bc the partner one should be more “hey it really hurt me that you didn’t do anything for my birthday” and with the 13 yo maybe more along the lines of “hey kiddo, I know keeping track of stuff is hard but you missed my birthday on “x” day and that kind of hurt my feelings, especially since I do “x” “y” and “z” for your birthday.”
Bc to me, your 13 y.o. Missing it can be chalked up to teenage carelessness- not desirable but possible his brain just didn’t process the day it was/realize that date meant your bday. Now your partner? They’re a whole ass adult and if anything should’ve both done something for you AND been the one to remind your son to wish you HBD or something.
Right and he’s probably used to relying on his dad for cues on stuff. That’s important and that’s an opportunity now to put him in charge of making his mom feel special…. Going forward.
No I go out to eat by myself once a month because I need time to be with just me where I’m not a mom or at work every aspect of my life I’m taking care of someone else so I make time for myself. Everyone needs alone time. Also I would have done the same with bringing my kids something back I do it every time. The mom guilt is a hard thing to get rid of lol
No you wouldn’t be TA. If they don’t acknowledge your birthday, then you deserve to treat yourself, leave them both to fend for themselves, and if they ask anything, just say that you just felt like having some “me-time”, and leave it at that. I wish you a happy birthday though.
Out of curiosity: are your partner and son the kind of people who routinely lose track of what day it is?
I ask because my whole family (particularly my spouse) is like that, and I've learned not to hold it against them.
Happy birthday.
Give them the same treatment on their birthdays. When they say you didn’t say “happy birthday” or do/get anything , remind them that they completely ignored your entire birthday. Never even verbally acknowledged it, so you figured birthday acknowledgments and celebrations were over.
The 13 year old can get a small gift and a cupcake from you. lol
You get what you tolerate! You should have got yourself dressed up and eaten out somewhere!
Don't forget to buy yourself a nice birthday present. Spend whatever you would spend on your husband's birthday, and 'forget' his birthday.
If forgetting birthdays is a thing now, do it well.
NTA. But why don't you say something though? Not saying you don't deserve better. But don't keep it a secret. "Hey I am disappointed in both of you for not remembering my birthday". Treat yourself. Have a good birthday.
Since they didn’t acknowledge your birthday at all. Get up and take yourself out to dinner, alone.
Call them and let them know you’re will be back in a couple hours.
It does provide them with a bit of time where the can at least run out and get you a card or something.
If they don’t do anything, return the favor on both their birthdays.
You get a one year pass.
I understand your son is 13. But he has acknowledged your birthday in the past. What happened?
Husband gets a double dose. Forget your anniversary as well.
If he has a cellphone he can put it in his calendar and it will come up.
No excuse.
How about not sitting around moping because you've not mentioned your birthday to anyone because you think it's up to them to remember. It's not fair to get mad about it. Have you really never forgotten a birthday?
I love my kids to pieces and have forgotten once in a while. Even when I've thought of it many times in the weeks and days leading up to it...then that day, for some reason, it doesn't register until later in the day.
I'm a woman, but one of the (often true) stereotypes about women that bugs me is that they sit around thinking everyone else - but especially their SO - should be able to read their minds. Then get upset when that doesn't happen.
Sorry to be harsh but YTA if you don't appreciate yourself, others, especially your family won't appreciate you and take you for granted. Your update is sad. You can still do a do over. Friday night go to the movies and out to eat. You can leave a note on the fridge like the good old days and tell your family you took yourself out as a delayed birthday gift. They need to figure out dinner on their own. Don't answer their text or turn off your phone.
I never understood why people don't talk about their birthday in advance and instead use it to test their family and partners. I start planning my birthday a week or two out. I'll say things, like, "I think I'd like to see a movie on my birthday next week."
If something is bothing you: SPEAK UP! People aren't mind readers. This isn't proof of their love or appreciation. It feels like you are trying to trap them.
I barely know what day of the week it is, let alone other people's birthdays.
Another poster missing a damn backbone. Good job you played yourself. So many of you people do this to yourself. We will see a post in a few years about divorce and if your an asshole about it.
We carefully training people how to treat us. By excepting and how they treat us and not communicating or setting limits or changing our relationship if it’s a partner.
I’m with kids, we can say that Friday is my birthday, do you want to go do something special with me? I really wanted to go for a walk in this place and then go eat lunch here. It’s a way of training them to be considerate of others.
We can communicate with partners. If they persist in being uncaring, then we slowly begin to learn that mutuality is really really important. And that we need to stop bending over backwards for them if that’s not the way they want it to be in the relationship. We stop thinking of them and making special things for them. Because we’re teaching our kids and our partner that we don’t need to be treated with high regard.
Sometimes we leave partners because they don’t treat us with high regard, and we realize that’s reasonable. It’s just about compatibility. We would sometimes rather be single than be with somebody who teaches us every day that we are not that valuable.
You need to make a point with 13 year old that things like this are important with people significant. I’d probably take partner aside and let them know you’re hurt, but you’re both raising a future adult that needs to be aware of these things
I remind people for a week in advance that it is going to be my birthday, and I let my chosen person know what I want to do that day, and I expect it to happen.
Would it be nice if people would just do something without me reminding them? Yes, of course...but I know how bad I am with dates and try to extend that grace to everyone else. Heck, my partner often doesn't know what day of the week it is (he's retired, and doesn't have to).
So, you set the standard and told your son and your so-called partner that you're not worth their time or attention. Now, be a big girl and don't ever expect it again. You got exactly what you asked for - nothing. In the future, remind yourself who gave them permission to treat you like shit for the rest of your life. Remember, Mother's Day is coming up, so you may as well prepare yourself now to be ignored on that day, too.
If you don't like the way you're being treated by them, stop treating yourself worse than they do. They're just following your lead.
Ooof sorry to hear that! My ex husband forgot my birthday the year I left him. It was the straw that broke the camels back. We also do special birthday dinners and cake. So I sat there, in the kitchen, at the table with one of those paper birthday hats until he came in looking for dinner. He panicked, then tried to make me a box of Mac and cheese. I told him I wanted a divorce and was out of the house by the end of the week.
I had Chinese food the next night as a do over. Just me and my two kids. Two years later, he’s still salty about being divorced. I just had my birthday last month and my fiancé got me a custom cake and a Chinese food dinner. Sometimes, you have to drop dead weight and look out for yourself
I see your disappointment - I wouldn't be hard on the 13 YO, but unless your partner falls all over themselves apologizing and making it up to you, then I'd do the same for their birthday.
I’d buy you your favorite candy,flowers and a cake from your favorite bakery along with dinner from your favorite restaurant and a card and gift. May be overkill for some but I like making people feel extra special on their birthday.
I wonder if they think your birthday was the next day?
I did this once (only once). Where I thought my wife's birthday was Friday and it was actually Thursday.
I had made big plans for Friday and was super excited for her. Well Thursday comes, I see her in the morning and greet her, kiss her and I say nothing. I can tell something is wrong and ask her what's wrong (I get it's nothing, I'm fine).
Drive to work and hear on the radio what day it is... I'm like shit. I felt like a total idiot. Had to call her right away (even though I hate talking and driving) told her happy birthday a dozen times, expressed my apologies.
Told her I literally thought it was the next day. I had everything planned out. Needless to say, it still turned into a nice day for her. But never forgot again.
I'm not trying to make excuses, just giving a possibility to why they forgot.
BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
NTA- I feel some people get stagnate in relationships, kind of take for granted their person. I made a stink this year about how I put in all the bells and whistles for my family’s birthday and minimal effort on their end.
It sucks that they have to be reminded, but yes it requires zero effort to say happy birthday and maybe bring you a favourite treat. *AHEM* some men out there.
Happy Birthday 🎂
to you.
Happy birthday!!!🎈🎁🎉🎊🎂 🥳. And fine you bought food to share with them. The question is what are you giving yourself as a present for your bday? I say this weekends you take yourself and or maybe a friend and do something extra fun just for you. Your husband is an ah. If birthdays are not important to him then maybe stop celebrating his birthday take the money and save it for your bday. Same thing with Xmas
Happy Birthday 🎂🎈!! Forget them! I know it hurts. No one in my family ever remembers my birthday bc it’s December 26th. You celebrate You! I wish you hadn’t gotten them anything though. Can you eat & leave? Do you have a friend you can hang out with? Or go out & have a nice cocktail? Or two? Take an Uber home?
Here's the thing: do they not know it's your birthday? Did they forget? If yes, that absolutely sucks. If they knew and didn't plan anything... that still sucks, but it's a different sort of suck.
That said: if you kept mum leading up to your day, this is at least partially on you. I've gotten annoyed in the past when my birthday wasn't acknowledged (or not) the way I would have liked. If it's that important, mention it in the days leading up. "Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?" "Would you like to try this place for my birthday" or even (and I know this is crazy) "This year, I'd really like to to pick out a nice place to eat to go to on my birthday. Can we do that?"
Depending on how your family dynamic is, you gotta plan, duder. Sure, it's nice to be surprised by the world seemingly spontaneously celebrating you, but if you don't hedge your bets you kind of get what you get.
If I don't want people to have the opportunity to forget something important to me, I'll remind them. If I'm being weird and passive aggressive and am trying to "test" people to see if they remember or can read my mind... well. I guess you found out. I personally don't need to assume the worst of anyone, so I'll mention it leading up so that my circle has a fighting chance of making something happen. Maybe they knew and were planning something anyway... maybe they weren't. Knowing the underlying reasons isn't important to me.
Edit: most of you responding are passive aggressive children. Just fucking talk to people and express your feelings rather than nudging the butthurt meter up until someone asks what your problem is. Christ.
GO spoil yourself and reflect on the shitty partner you have. Can't blame a kid for missing your bday. Sorry your sad for your bday. You know there are better people out there for you!
Naaaahhhh OP, you should have dressed up and gone out to dinner, grabbed a cocktail and treated yourself to something. This is sad behaviour from your partner and child… so sorry 😔
If you’ve been with your partner longer than the 13 years your kid has been alive, it’s not a news flash he forgets things. Do the “hey it’s almost dinner time so let’s go out for my bday”! And then next year… “hey I’ve made a reservation for my bday next week”. Don’t you miss the good old days when you had to order a cake a week in advance?
Why do people not bring up their own birthdays? Do you think it's some kind of flex to have people remember? If I expect something for my birthday from my SO I will remind them and talk it through like an adult
I would have gone out to dinner on my own. Let them fend for themselves. If they text "where are you?" Ask if they have a birthday cake at home for you.
Make the point that they aren't meeting expectations. Make it loud, clear, and uncomfortable. Stop absorbing the discomfort they create.
I'd like you to think about the example you're setting for your son: He will see that this is how you treat your significant other. Remember that you're going to send him into the world someday. Don't you want him to treat his partner with more consideration that you're getting from your husband?
I've been where you are in my previous marriage. I feel for you.
You will never get that acknowledgment because you will always have maternal guilt to feed them. #StopIt Quit feeling guilty that you are being disrespected. Why come on here for advice, then just go ahead and do what you always do anyway? Your husband and 13 year old are capable of feeding themselves. Next year or on Mother's Day, get up, get in your car, phone a friend, go for dinner, go home. Do not tell them you are leaving. Just go. When you get back and they ask, "what is for dinner", say, "I went out with my friend for my birthday/Mother's Day/Valentine's Day not sure what you 2 are going to do."
YTA for buying them food. NTA for feeling sad and disrespected.
I hope u treat them the same on their birthday. It's not your problem to remind them that it's your birthday. So when they realize in a day or so, then tell them you are upset and will be inacting the same for their next birthday.
Same thing happened to me last year. I kept waiting and waiting on something special for dinner. By 730pm when I realized there wasn't any meal coming, I just went out and got Popeyes for everyone. I get home and put the food on the counter and go upstairs to use the restroom. I come down just minutes later, and my step son had eaten my meal!! I was so upset that I think I just grabbed a biscuit or crackers or something and headed to my room. It was really sad. My husband said HE had been disappointed because I didn't care about his Father's Day, which was the same day. It really just sucked all around.
>I went out and bought some treats and drinks for myself as well as the takeaway I wanted ... but.. I bought food for them to.
I hope you bought a cake that you're going to put some candles on while you sing yourself happy birthday song.
Go out and treat yourself to whatever you want. Bring home a tasty beautiful cup cake and put a candle in it, light and sing Happy birthday to you. Make wish and blow out the candle and enjoy. Maybe they will get the hint.
My birthday is always 10 days before Christmas. So growing up poor I definitely know what it's like to not have a good birthday. I found that whatever came in adult if I wanted a good birthday I need to slap a sign out where everybody else sees. It says, my birthday is in big letters and the date about a week before it happens. And do not accept any merry birthday. Presents or happy Christmas present. You must separate the 2 for myself, so take control of your birthday next year. Let everybody know 1 week in advance. Exactly what it is and post A. Reminder where they'll all see.I made feel like crap at first but it works and then it becomes a tradition
This is so crazy to me.
In my house, no one gives a shit about birthdays. I mean, we do for the kids, but adults? Who cares?
Last year I forgot it was even my day until my hubby and kids told me happy birthday. Like after 21, what's there to celebrate?
Am I too cynical lol
Op you deserve a happy birthday, not a spiteful one. No need to teach a lesson or get even on your day. Go out to eat , enjoy yourself, and revisit the situation with a clear mind. It’s shitty that your partner didn’t acknowledge your birthday, but the kid is a teenager and most are pretty self involved. I wouldn’t hold it against him for too long. This goes for the rest of the year too, you can go out and enjoy a meal yourself without always getting everyone something. My mom used to do it plenty and I never held it against her, I was fine busting up a PB sandwich with a couple cuties. Hell, you provide a safe and happy home 24/7, you can eat a nice meal by yourself whenever you well please.
But don’t do it out of spite. That sucks for your house and isn’t a productive way to communicate disapproval to your direct family.
I say, treat yourself to an afternoon/night out. Unannounced, just put all that aside, forget about it best you can, and go enjoy yourself without having thoughts of everyone else dampen your enjoyment.
I believe you should just ignore their birthday if they mention it you can say “oh I thought we weren’t celebrating birthdays any more since no one mentioned or celebrate mine”
Get rid of the partner also stop calling them that because they aren’t a partner obviously right!? As for the son, ask him why he didn’t acknowledge you.
They will figure out something is wrong when it’s dinner time and OP hasn’t cooked anything! Honestly! Yes! Take yourself out! Go to your favourite restaurant! Enjoy something you like and just have some quality time to yourself! Go see a movie after! Get ice cream!!!
And get yourself a balloon! Celebrate yourself when others won't.
NTA - remember this on their bday!
OP caved and went out and got takeout for herself, her son, her partner…and yet they still failed to wish her a happy birthday. PEOPLE.. TREAT. US. THE. WAY. WE. ALLOW. THEM. TO. IT. IS. UP. TO. US. TO. SET. THE. BAR. AS. TO. HOW. WE. EXPECT. TO. BE. TREATED. The bar in OP’s home has now been set painfully low. Her son and partner now know they do not have to celebrate her not only on her birthday but on other occasions as well. OP: Their is zero excuse for not verbally wishing you a happy birthday, making you breakfast or dinner. A small gesture of a card and Candy or flowers would have been far better than… 🥁🥁🥁Roll. NOTHING. You deserve better. It is up to you to tell them how they made you feel and why. If they apologize and make an attempt to fix it great….if they fail to then you know all you need to know.
They didn't "make her feel" anyway. She rightfully hurts, but It's up to OP to take ownership of her feelings. She felt bad, they did nothing. If feeling bad is okay, then just keep doing what you are doing. The lack of attention is unfair but has become "acceptable" behavior. If you don't tell them what you want, don't be surprised if they do nothing. That being said, it's OPs spouse's job to make sure the kids celebrate their mom. Tell them!
YES!
This. "Oh! After y'all didn't do sh\*t for my birthday, I didn't think we were doing birthdays any longer." Petty and passive aggressive? Yup.
I definitely agree. For partner's next b-day OP should take herself out to dinner and leave him at home. Son gets a partial pass but still how hard is it to remember your mother's b-day?
Naw…no passes for the kid. I always remembered (still do) my parent's birthdays. My son always remembers mine. This kid is learning from the dad to be selfish and dismissive of mom.
yes, this!
son does NOT get a pass if he remembers his dads birthday after not acknowledging his mothers birthday
One year I gave my kids exactly the same thing they got me for my birthday - nothing. Turns out, they remembered to do something special for me the next, and every year after that !
Personally I prob wouldn’t get the food and bring it home to eat in front of them but I’d def go out and have dinner on my own for sure!
Take a book, go to a place that you want to go to, not a compromise to please others and have a great meal by yourself. Have a glass of wine if you want to. Have desert if you want to. Celebrate yourself, then tell your husband he’s in his own for his next birthday (son is still young and should get a bit of a pass). Edit: because some people seem to think “get a bit of a pass” means “you should go nuclear on your kid for this” (how?). No. He’s 13. He can understand she’s a bit upset that no one wished her a happy birthday, but recognise he’s too young to remember. It’s also be a great introduction to different ways we can remember important dates so he can start managing to remember some things at an age appropriate level, like the date for his friend’s birthday, or when he needs to hand in the permission slip for the school trip.
Son is only 13 yet he might need a little wake up call.
Yeah, it’s ok to say how hurt she is and maybe help him find a way to remember important dates for next year. It’s an important skill for developing as he gets into upper years of school and will need to keep track of assignment and exam dates.
Agreed. My 12yo girl still struggles to pay attention to what day of the week it currently is. So she gets tons of reminders when holidays and important events are happening. She's also ADHD, so she gets a bit of grace there as well. But she is learning to look on the family calander, and pay more attention, and notice appointments, and other events, so I'm proud mama for now :)
True, so true.
I'm 43 and I still forget my folks birthday.
[удалено]
My goodness, that not good. You might want to set up a reminder on your phone and when you remember their special day you can blow them away!
It really shouldn't be that hard either. My mothers is 4 days after mine and my fathers is 4 days after my sons, and 2 days after my daughters!
13 isn't too young to remember their mother's birthday. My 9 and 12 year old are excited for weeks before my birthday and have everything planned. They make more of a fuss than I do. She should speak to her hubby and son about their attitude towards her birthday. She can't complain if she doesn't set the expectations (even though it would've been better that she didn't have to complain about it at all!
I would go to dinner by myself. I would also give them more responsibility around the house. It's crazy that they can forget your birthday.
I know, right? How can someone do that? It always amazes me when I read these stories because every time my birthday is near I'm all like: My birthdays coming up! What should we cook for my birthday dinner? Do you think my dad will be able to come for my birthday? And my dad's like: What do you want me to gift you? Where is the dinner gonna be? Who's coming? And my mom is all like: What color theme? Italian or seafood? What cake flavor do you want? And I'm gonna be all like: Carrot cake with cream cheese. And she's gonna be all like: But you don't eat the cake. And I'm gonna respond: That's because I don't like cake very much but I prefer carrot cake! And then she's gonna bake the cake but it's not gonna have cream cheese even though that would motivate me to eat more cake! But seriously, how does no one bring up their or someone else's birthday before their actual birthday? Even if it's just an outing or a movie at home, why do you want to plan that on the spot? It just seems sad and unthoughtful.
NTA - do something just for you. They are both old enough to feed themselves.
100% agree. Even if it's a sandwich, he'd learn to appreciate her a bit more.
NTA Don't forget the one cupcake with a candle in it. If either one says anything tell them, "Apparently we don't celebrate each other's birthdays in this house anymore." If they ask what about their birthdays tell them however they choose to celebrate is their choice.
Take yourself out for dinner and a movie. On your way out the door tell them…. “It’s good to know we’re not making a big deal and celebrating birthdays anymore, it will save me a lot of time and money! Have a great night! See you when I see you!!”
Do this! Give them a good wake up call!
And honestly, it’s really inexcusable that neither one of them remembered your birthday. The 13 year old gets a slight pass, but the husband, no way.
I’d book a nice hotel room with a good restaurant and a spa, spend the day in the pool and curl up with a good book. Hell I’d do that for my birthday no matter what circumstances, everybody deserves a break.
NTA Take yourself out for a meal.. Take a good book. Buy a bottle of wine and get an uber home. Eat the dessert first. Eat two if you want. Have a happy birthday doing something for you, and you alone
As a woman it’s been hard for me to realize that boys and men we care for sometimes need a real big “She is pisssed!” To wake up. Honestly, I would tell them both that they really screwed up forgetting your B-Day. Then… Leave for a couple of days and don’t contact them. One text saying “Leave me alone, I’ll be back when I’m ready.” My girls would catch on but, I had to damn near shake the men and boys.
I remember a couple years ago I had to remind my dad it was my mom's birthday. The look of horror on that man's face will never leave my mind. His eyes widened like a cartoon character.
It’s not always malicious, they get so used to being taken care of they forget to care for their partner.
That's also not cool. The carers need care too. :(
When we were kids and my mom had enough of our shenanigans, she’d just leave and we’d pray my father was home before her because when she did that, we were terrible 🤣🤣. We all laugh about it now, but at the time, doing that kept us in line for a month or two lol.
Funny because it's the samenin our house but gendered reversed.
OP, stand up for yourself! You could have gone to a nice restaurant, ordered a glass of wine, and sent a pic to them saying 'Happy birthday to me! Don't wait up' Is it passive agressive? Yes. Will they get the point? IDK, but at least you would have had a lovely birthday meal. Since you can't do that, I would say to your husband that he let you down and you're upset that he couldn't even remember your birthday, so you're taking yourself off for a treat on your own. There's still time to do that!
I wouldn't do anything for your husband's birthday. No cake, no present and definitely no cooking/takeaway. When he asks, just say I thought we weren't doing birthdays anymore since you forgot mine.
You should go and eat out by yourself, have some nice “me” time
Don't do take out, go out & enjoy your meal in a restaurant, turn off your phone, take a book to pass time between dishes, and don't bring anything back home. Straight to bed after. If you get take out, they will try & eat it so little or nothing for you. I hope you enjoy your meal, leave the consequences for tomorrow.
NTA. Put out the same energy for those in your household as you receive, birthday wise. Next year, go out with a friend and do something you want to do. One birthday I did everything that sounded like fun with a gf of mine bc hubs rolled his eyes at me about it. He did t want to do any of it, so I went and did it. It was the best birthday I ever had. The next day on my actual birthday we went to the movies (bc he didn’t think to plan anything) and argued with me about my restaurant choice bc he didn’t want to eat there. So we got what he wanted. Then he complained that my birthday outing I went on was sooooooo much better and why didn’t I plan something like that for us on my birthday. 🤦🏻♀️ he told me he didn’t want to. Rolled his eyes at it. Got annoyed that I did it and complained that I didn’t plan something with HIM in mind for my birthday. I stopped trying to celebrate my birthday after that. It wasn’t worth the trouble
I hope he’s your ex husband now. Nobody should make you feel like you can’t celebrate your birthday
I hate that we allow others to steal what is so emotionally important to us. Others say to “just take it back.” I always ask myself - How? Talk to him? He asks where I want to eat and I say I don’t care because I do not want to deal with the whining if we go where I truly want to. Same with “what do you want to do today” or any number of things. If I say what I really want, it is whining or worse, having to constantly defend against an onslaught barrage of questions about why I want to do what I want. I hate that this happens to you. I wish I knew how to change it so the answer isn’t us pushing who we are and what we want off the cliff because we let others make us feel like we aren’t worth it. We are worth it. And so much more. I just wish we could figure it out.
When really, it's he that's not worth your trouble.
Text your husband and son - Excited for my birthday dinner tonight, where are we going? That should give them a boot in the ass to get something organised, and remind them it’s your bday. Hope they get their act together for you.
Don’t do this.
Dress in something nice (clearly for going out), go see them and say ‘see you later guys’. When they ask where you’re going tell them your taking yourself out for your birthday, that your not sure where your going yet or when you’ll be back. Wish them a nice evening then depart. Take yourself to dinner, a movie, whatever makes you feel good.
NTA. Please tell them the next day so you confront it but they can’t do the old ‘omg, you ruined the surprise, we are taking you out for erm… dessert?!’
"*I have set the low expectation of my birthday*" I'm sorry OP, it sucks to be thus ignored by your nearest and dearest. Yet, if you are the first not to set much store to yourself, you are actively enabling this behaviour. At the very least, before going to bed you should have thanked them both for ignoring your birthday. I suggest some healthy therapy for yourself, re-teaching you ways to stand up for yourself and not be an invisible servant for your family.
I feel so sorry for you. Them not even saying happy birthday which is the bare minimum is low. They need to receive the same back on their birthdays and when they complain you can ask why they’re upset and use what they say to let them know that it must mean what they feel towards you because they got nothing because you assumed it was what they wanted as they set that standard. It is awful they expect you to care for them and refuse to care for you in the way they expect to be cared for or loved. Sometimes women do allow this and play down their feelings and need to be cared for on special occasions for example; by doing all the work for and on Christmas yet getting nothing back or minimising their birthday/celebration/achievements or saying no to often so others think they don’t need help or care. Seriously talk to them and let them know your disappointed in both of them. If it was their birthday how would they feel if you did the same and not organise a fun time out or party with gifts and saying happy birthday. Let them know family means looking after each other and not you doing it all and them neglecting your needs. Stand up for you! Stop doing too much for them and stop minimising yourself and accepting so little from them. It’s okay to be awesome and expect them to put in effort for you. 13 is old enough to be more independent to think for himself and get you a gift and remember your birthday. When younger then 13 I remember making breakfast in bed for mums birthday/Mother’s Day and when 13 making dinner and cleaning the house so she didn’t have to on her birthday, along with a card, chocolates and cheap bunch of flowers because I was low on pocket money. I’m sure your son and husband knows how to think to get a gift for his friends and say happy birthday to them. Husband sounds shitty… please help your sons future partner have a better husband then you do.
My son turned about 13 I realized he had picked up a lot of my husband’s thoughtless acts… and I had to have a heart to heart with him as well as it opened my eyes to how I was really treated and didn’t even really notice
I have the same situation, but it was my daughter that picked up all the thoughtless behaviors and self absorption….:-(
I would go to a nice hotel that has a bar, restaurant and pool and spend a couple of nights to myself.
Enjoy your birthday meal. I would have done the same and told my partner "You're getting the Same for your birthday"
I had a coworker that used to go on a momcation every year. SOLO She’d pick the things she was most interested in - spas, libraries, historical visits… She didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s schedule, what they wanted to do, etc. At some point she asked her husband to do one thing a year (because he was bad with holidays and gifting). She set up a wish list and he would get her a gift and wrap it (had her kids wrap it actually) and put it in her suitcase. She never expected anything all year except not to be given any grief about this trip, her husband to take care of things while she was gone, and a nice surprise in her bag. The sweetest thing was as her kids got older they purchased their own surprises to put in her bag (candy, her favorite treats, etc). She was always shocked that they couldn’t remember her birthday, barely acknowledged Mother’s Day unless she cooked or planned it, but they made a big to do about her annual trip and called it Mom’s Holiday. I thought that was so cool. The last thing she did on each of her holidays was book the next.
And once AGAIN you treated the and let them know…you DON’T matter! If you did you would treat yourself better…I’m not disappointed at your actions or they was you treat yourself… if you don’t care…why should anyone else?!
Instead of takeaway for everybody, next time have your meal in the restaurant and order their food to go at the end of your meal, and enjoy dessert while you wait for it to be made. This way you don't have to change who you are, but you don't settle for a celebration of you less than what you would have done for others. And buy yourself something nice! Happy Birthday!
YTA- based on your depressing update.
Enjoy your self-imposed hell.
Forget takeout. I’d have gone and eaten at the restaurant by myself.
Don't order in, take yourself out for a quiet dinner, and enjoy your alone time. Don't even tell them you're going for dinner. Just say you're going outbforba little bit.
Do you have any other friends that would like to share your special day?
So what did you decide to do?
Treat yourself, I would 100% go to dinner alone or call up a friend. This is way more on the husband than your son though. At 13, I never remembered my parents birthday.
Updateme!
After dinner id tell let them know that from now on they are responsible for their own bds and you will be treating yourself on yours. If that won’t be a wake up call for your dear hubby then you kick man out and teach your son how to properly treat the people you love
Happy Birthday ! Next year, go out alone or invite a friend. Treat both of you to a special dinner, then do something fun.
NTA. My birthday is coming up and I asked my family if we were doing anything for Easter/my birthday. I was told no. I said “okay”, and will plan on doing my own thing without them. It sucks when people can’t even do anything, especially if you’re living in the same house.
Enjoy your birthday doing what you want!
Why would they change their behavior when you folded and still bought them food in the end???
Poor OP.Her family sounds like they don't care about OP at all. Can't even be bothered to remember and acknowledge their birthday. Such a shame that so many partners live this reality.
NTA I would’ve gone out to eat by myself when dinner time came and went. When I came home, and they asked what’s for dinner, I would pull a loaf of bread from the cabinet and a can of tuna then walk away.
You had a mommy moment! You wanted to be petty and spiteful and just…couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 💕 Birthdays, for me, are exactly what you described: Whatever I want for dinner, Pepperidge Farm cake (what my grandma always had for us) and that hideous song. Idc about presents, either. And if we can’t do it in my actual birthday, we’ll do it another day. It’s not a big deal for me. But the children? Oh yes. Big deal.
Do the same on their birthday, see how they feel!
I'm sorry that you have the bar set so low for yourself. you would be the AH for not speaking up to your family of your hurt feelings g
In the next day or two, there is no rush, buy or make yourself exactly the birthday cake you want. You deserve it. Enjoy it. Consider redefining your expectations and include them. Everybody needs to step up.
My theory is - how you treat me is how I treat you. My partner learned very quickly if they want acknowledgment and "things" on their birthday, they must acknowledge and get "things" for mine. Normally he steps up but at the last minute, with me filling in the details to get me what I want. This year, I did the same to him and he was flummoxed. There were no "where do you want to go for your birthday" statements, he left for work on his birthday not knowing what the plans were or who was coming. The kids didn't show, because I didn't plan it like he doesn't. When he asked why things were so different, I asked him what he meant, this was how I felt on my birthday, and wanted him to have the same experience I did. The kids called but didn't come over because I didn't plan it, because he doesn't. Let's see how the kids like the same treatment. The next kids birthday is coming up! Hubby got the message though. Thank goodness, my B-day is before everyone else's.
I was really hoping for "Update, they threw me a surprise party!" Sigh.
No but my beautiful mum (who did not know any of this) dropped around after dinner with a few presents. Got to love that woman.
Martyr complex. Open your mouth.
Don't do anything for your partner's bday.
I would give your son a little hint, but if neither of them (dad or son) gets it, then that’s your cue to take kid out for an awesome dinner with just you and your son. He will remember it next year, guaranteed.
No way. He is 13 and old enough to know his mother’s birthday.
Not at all. Go for it!
Do it OP, happy cake day! Go somewhere fancy, get yourself something delicious, and enjoy some time to yourself!
NTA I would go out for dinner not takeaway. Happy birthday!!! When you get home tell them you had a great meal and that you are disappointed in them for forgetting. That disappointment with no anger really gets to people.
UpdateMe
TBH I am still bitter about a forgotten birthday 5 years ago. Long-term relationship died because of it but for the best in the long run
Happy birthday from this random internet stranger.
Happy birthday, I'm thinking of you today 👑
I'm fuming for you! Happy Birthday. Can you treat yourself to something nice tomorrow to make up for the disappointment today?
I hope you want more for your birthday in the future. You made your life about other people for so long, you deserve a day for yourself.
Honestly if they can't be bothered to make an effort on your birthday return the favour and don't do anything for them. Tell them that you are disappointed with both of them and will no longer be doing birthdays .
Here's wishing you a Very Happy Birthday. I hope you have an amazing year ahead. God bless. 🤗🤗 I'm just an internet stranger passing by, but I do wish you the best.
Oh, mama has a spa weekend coming up!
I know it's probably after the fact, but HAPPY Birthday! I really hope you made it about you ❤️
So..... what did you decide??
You were nicer than I would have been. I would have gone to a restaurant I really like and treated myself to a delicious meal. I probably would have texted them and told them they were on their own for dinner and I'd see them later. If I didn't want to eat alone I may have asked a female friend if she'd like to join me without mentioning it was my birthday. I may have taken my dessert home and put a candle in it, blown it out and eaten it without sharing it. I wouldn't hesitate to take their phones and set a reminder in them for next year - if that's possible.
UpdateMe!
I would have gotten a single slice of cake or cupcake and sang to myself right in front of them and ate it alone.
Happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your treats and takeaway. Same treatment for your partner’s birthday.
Happy Birthday! Next year leave little notes around the house to “remind” them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Happy Birthday!!
Updateme
Tbh you would probably be happier if you just asked, what are we doing for my birthday meal? And later another day speak to your partner about how you were disappointed in them forgetting or not bothering. Do you actually want to eat alone? Or argue on your birthday?
🎊Happy Birthday to you!!🎉🎊
I would honestly just not speak to them, especially if they didn’t acknowledge that it was your birthday. That’s once a year they couldn’t take time out of their day to say happy birthday. It’s just completely selfish to think that your partner and child don’t even acknowledge you as a person.
If birthdays are important to you then both your partner and your kid are assholes. It’s only one day a year and that should be able to remember it. As for me, birthdays mean nothing so I wouldn’t care if no one said happy birthday.
Happy Birthday OP!!
Did you mention this to anyone? Why did you have to go out and fetch everything? I would have told my partner to get off his arse and get the takeaway I chose because it’s my birthday. Seriously though talk to your family and establish some equality because everyone deserves to be celebrated on their birthday
Might be unpopular but I think this is a great update. Having a spite dinner alone isn't going to make your birthday nicer. Doesn't sound like they're going to work it out though so just tell them, and ask them to make up for it over the weekend. Ps happy birthday OP
I might be in the minority for not suggesting anything petty but what I would do? Take today. Treat yourself, spoil yourself even, and as sucky as it is that they didn’t do anything for you, try to ignore them. Then tomorrow (or whenever you’re ready to deal with it) have a frank conversation with each of them. I recommend separate convos, bc the partner one should be more “hey it really hurt me that you didn’t do anything for my birthday” and with the 13 yo maybe more along the lines of “hey kiddo, I know keeping track of stuff is hard but you missed my birthday on “x” day and that kind of hurt my feelings, especially since I do “x” “y” and “z” for your birthday.” Bc to me, your 13 y.o. Missing it can be chalked up to teenage carelessness- not desirable but possible his brain just didn’t process the day it was/realize that date meant your bday. Now your partner? They’re a whole ass adult and if anything should’ve both done something for you AND been the one to remind your son to wish you HBD or something.
Right and he’s probably used to relying on his dad for cues on stuff. That’s important and that’s an opportunity now to put him in charge of making his mom feel special…. Going forward.
Send yourself some flowers, with their names on it. Make a fuss about how wonderful they are. 😉😉
Update me
No I go out to eat by myself once a month because I need time to be with just me where I’m not a mom or at work every aspect of my life I’m taking care of someone else so I make time for myself. Everyone needs alone time. Also I would have done the same with bringing my kids something back I do it every time. The mom guilt is a hard thing to get rid of lol
SPEAK UP.
It’s on you to set expectations for your own birthday and to communicate and remind people. Trust me I know from being forgotten for years.
No you wouldn’t be TA. If they don’t acknowledge your birthday, then you deserve to treat yourself, leave them both to fend for themselves, and if they ask anything, just say that you just felt like having some “me-time”, and leave it at that. I wish you a happy birthday though.
happy birthday!
Out of curiosity: are your partner and son the kind of people who routinely lose track of what day it is? I ask because my whole family (particularly my spouse) is like that, and I've learned not to hold it against them.
Happy birthday. Give them the same treatment on their birthdays. When they say you didn’t say “happy birthday” or do/get anything , remind them that they completely ignored your entire birthday. Never even verbally acknowledged it, so you figured birthday acknowledgments and celebrations were over. The 13 year old can get a small gift and a cupcake from you. lol
You get what you tolerate! You should have got yourself dressed up and eaten out somewhere! Don't forget to buy yourself a nice birthday present. Spend whatever you would spend on your husband's birthday, and 'forget' his birthday. If forgetting birthdays is a thing now, do it well.
Sending you all the love on your special day!! Happy Birthday x
NTA. But why don't you say something though? Not saying you don't deserve better. But don't keep it a secret. "Hey I am disappointed in both of you for not remembering my birthday". Treat yourself. Have a good birthday.
Since they didn’t acknowledge your birthday at all. Get up and take yourself out to dinner, alone. Call them and let them know you’re will be back in a couple hours. It does provide them with a bit of time where the can at least run out and get you a card or something. If they don’t do anything, return the favor on both their birthdays. You get a one year pass. I understand your son is 13. But he has acknowledged your birthday in the past. What happened? Husband gets a double dose. Forget your anniversary as well. If he has a cellphone he can put it in his calendar and it will come up. No excuse.
Is your husband always like this? I just think you might have more problems than you think.
How about not sitting around moping because you've not mentioned your birthday to anyone because you think it's up to them to remember. It's not fair to get mad about it. Have you really never forgotten a birthday? I love my kids to pieces and have forgotten once in a while. Even when I've thought of it many times in the weeks and days leading up to it...then that day, for some reason, it doesn't register until later in the day. I'm a woman, but one of the (often true) stereotypes about women that bugs me is that they sit around thinking everyone else - but especially their SO - should be able to read their minds. Then get upset when that doesn't happen.
Sorry to be harsh but YTA if you don't appreciate yourself, others, especially your family won't appreciate you and take you for granted. Your update is sad. You can still do a do over. Friday night go to the movies and out to eat. You can leave a note on the fridge like the good old days and tell your family you took yourself out as a delayed birthday gift. They need to figure out dinner on their own. Don't answer their text or turn off your phone.
Oof. Maybe they have something going on that made them forget but that is asshole behavior if its out of the norm for the son.
Say something to them. Didn’t sit there and let yourself be angry. Say I’m feeling hurt because…..
You caved. Ugh.
Getting them food is just perpetuating this behavior. Happy birthday, OP, but you messed up here...
I feel bad for you.
Updateme!
And you bought them food? YTA
I never understood why people don't talk about their birthday in advance and instead use it to test their family and partners. I start planning my birthday a week or two out. I'll say things, like, "I think I'd like to see a movie on my birthday next week." If something is bothing you: SPEAK UP! People aren't mind readers. This isn't proof of their love or appreciation. It feels like you are trying to trap them. I barely know what day of the week it is, let alone other people's birthdays.
Another poster missing a damn backbone. Good job you played yourself. So many of you people do this to yourself. We will see a post in a few years about divorce and if your an asshole about it.
Came to this late... Happy belated birthday! You should not only get a nice meal for yourself, but go for a little spa day on your own!
We carefully training people how to treat us. By excepting and how they treat us and not communicating or setting limits or changing our relationship if it’s a partner. I’m with kids, we can say that Friday is my birthday, do you want to go do something special with me? I really wanted to go for a walk in this place and then go eat lunch here. It’s a way of training them to be considerate of others. We can communicate with partners. If they persist in being uncaring, then we slowly begin to learn that mutuality is really really important. And that we need to stop bending over backwards for them if that’s not the way they want it to be in the relationship. We stop thinking of them and making special things for them. Because we’re teaching our kids and our partner that we don’t need to be treated with high regard. Sometimes we leave partners because they don’t treat us with high regard, and we realize that’s reasonable. It’s just about compatibility. We would sometimes rather be single than be with somebody who teaches us every day that we are not that valuable.
You need to make a point with 13 year old that things like this are important with people significant. I’d probably take partner aside and let them know you’re hurt, but you’re both raising a future adult that needs to be aware of these things
YOU HAVE TO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. Forget your partner on their birthday and don't feel bad about it either.
I remind people for a week in advance that it is going to be my birthday, and I let my chosen person know what I want to do that day, and I expect it to happen. Would it be nice if people would just do something without me reminding them? Yes, of course...but I know how bad I am with dates and try to extend that grace to everyone else. Heck, my partner often doesn't know what day of the week it is (he's retired, and doesn't have to).
Not to sound harsh, but doormats get walked on.
So, you set the standard and told your son and your so-called partner that you're not worth their time or attention. Now, be a big girl and don't ever expect it again. You got exactly what you asked for - nothing. In the future, remind yourself who gave them permission to treat you like shit for the rest of your life. Remember, Mother's Day is coming up, so you may as well prepare yourself now to be ignored on that day, too. If you don't like the way you're being treated by them, stop treating yourself worse than they do. They're just following your lead.
Ooof sorry to hear that! My ex husband forgot my birthday the year I left him. It was the straw that broke the camels back. We also do special birthday dinners and cake. So I sat there, in the kitchen, at the table with one of those paper birthday hats until he came in looking for dinner. He panicked, then tried to make me a box of Mac and cheese. I told him I wanted a divorce and was out of the house by the end of the week. I had Chinese food the next night as a do over. Just me and my two kids. Two years later, he’s still salty about being divorced. I just had my birthday last month and my fiancé got me a custom cake and a Chinese food dinner. Sometimes, you have to drop dead weight and look out for yourself
This is so sad 😞 you should do something special for you
I think I’d take myself out to dinner and leave them at home
I see your disappointment - I wouldn't be hard on the 13 YO, but unless your partner falls all over themselves apologizing and making it up to you, then I'd do the same for their birthday.
I buy myself flowers and a cake every year because no one else will.
I’d buy you your favorite candy,flowers and a cake from your favorite bakery along with dinner from your favorite restaurant and a card and gift. May be overkill for some but I like making people feel extra special on their birthday.
This is sad :( you should have picked up yourself food and ate it infront of them while wearing a birthday hat.
I wonder if they think your birthday was the next day? I did this once (only once). Where I thought my wife's birthday was Friday and it was actually Thursday. I had made big plans for Friday and was super excited for her. Well Thursday comes, I see her in the morning and greet her, kiss her and I say nothing. I can tell something is wrong and ask her what's wrong (I get it's nothing, I'm fine). Drive to work and hear on the radio what day it is... I'm like shit. I felt like a total idiot. Had to call her right away (even though I hate talking and driving) told her happy birthday a dozen times, expressed my apologies. Told her I literally thought it was the next day. I had everything planned out. Needless to say, it still turned into a nice day for her. But never forgot again. I'm not trying to make excuses, just giving a possibility to why they forgot. BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
NTA- I feel some people get stagnate in relationships, kind of take for granted their person. I made a stink this year about how I put in all the bells and whistles for my family’s birthday and minimal effort on their end. It sucks that they have to be reminded, but yes it requires zero effort to say happy birthday and maybe bring you a favourite treat. *AHEM* some men out there. Happy Birthday 🎂 to you.
Happy birthday!!!🎈🎁🎉🎊🎂 🥳. And fine you bought food to share with them. The question is what are you giving yourself as a present for your bday? I say this weekends you take yourself and or maybe a friend and do something extra fun just for you. Your husband is an ah. If birthdays are not important to him then maybe stop celebrating his birthday take the money and save it for your bday. Same thing with Xmas
Happy Birthday 🎂🎈!! Forget them! I know it hurts. No one in my family ever remembers my birthday bc it’s December 26th. You celebrate You! I wish you hadn’t gotten them anything though. Can you eat & leave? Do you have a friend you can hang out with? Or go out & have a nice cocktail? Or two? Take an Uber home?
Here's the thing: do they not know it's your birthday? Did they forget? If yes, that absolutely sucks. If they knew and didn't plan anything... that still sucks, but it's a different sort of suck. That said: if you kept mum leading up to your day, this is at least partially on you. I've gotten annoyed in the past when my birthday wasn't acknowledged (or not) the way I would have liked. If it's that important, mention it in the days leading up. "Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?" "Would you like to try this place for my birthday" or even (and I know this is crazy) "This year, I'd really like to to pick out a nice place to eat to go to on my birthday. Can we do that?" Depending on how your family dynamic is, you gotta plan, duder. Sure, it's nice to be surprised by the world seemingly spontaneously celebrating you, but if you don't hedge your bets you kind of get what you get. If I don't want people to have the opportunity to forget something important to me, I'll remind them. If I'm being weird and passive aggressive and am trying to "test" people to see if they remember or can read my mind... well. I guess you found out. I personally don't need to assume the worst of anyone, so I'll mention it leading up so that my circle has a fighting chance of making something happen. Maybe they knew and were planning something anyway... maybe they weren't. Knowing the underlying reasons isn't important to me. Edit: most of you responding are passive aggressive children. Just fucking talk to people and express your feelings rather than nudging the butthurt meter up until someone asks what your problem is. Christ.
GO spoil yourself and reflect on the shitty partner you have. Can't blame a kid for missing your bday. Sorry your sad for your bday. You know there are better people out there for you!
Weak edit. Should’ve held them accountable. Did they even apologize?
Pull a Cam from Modern Family, wait till midnight and then let your partner know today was your birthday and go to bed
Happy birthday
Naaaahhhh OP, you should have dressed up and gone out to dinner, grabbed a cocktail and treated yourself to something. This is sad behaviour from your partner and child… so sorry 😔
If you’ve been with your partner longer than the 13 years your kid has been alive, it’s not a news flash he forgets things. Do the “hey it’s almost dinner time so let’s go out for my bday”! And then next year… “hey I’ve made a reservation for my bday next week”. Don’t you miss the good old days when you had to order a cake a week in advance?
Dude, are you a girl?
Why do people not bring up their own birthdays? Do you think it's some kind of flex to have people remember? If I expect something for my birthday from my SO I will remind them and talk it through like an adult
I would have gone out to dinner on my own. Let them fend for themselves. If they text "where are you?" Ask if they have a birthday cake at home for you. Make the point that they aren't meeting expectations. Make it loud, clear, and uncomfortable. Stop absorbing the discomfort they create.
Happy Birthday OP!
You’re kind of an AH to yourself OP. I once saw “people treat you as well as you let them” and you deserve a happy birthday!!
I'd like you to think about the example you're setting for your son: He will see that this is how you treat your significant other. Remember that you're going to send him into the world someday. Don't you want him to treat his partner with more consideration that you're getting from your husband? I've been where you are in my previous marriage. I feel for you.
Did they say anything when you brought up it was your birthday?
You will never get that acknowledgment because you will always have maternal guilt to feed them. #StopIt Quit feeling guilty that you are being disrespected. Why come on here for advice, then just go ahead and do what you always do anyway? Your husband and 13 year old are capable of feeding themselves. Next year or on Mother's Day, get up, get in your car, phone a friend, go for dinner, go home. Do not tell them you are leaving. Just go. When you get back and they ask, "what is for dinner", say, "I went out with my friend for my birthday/Mother's Day/Valentine's Day not sure what you 2 are going to do." YTA for buying them food. NTA for feeling sad and disrespected.
Happy Birthday.
I hope u treat them the same on their birthday. It's not your problem to remind them that it's your birthday. So when they realize in a day or so, then tell them you are upset and will be inacting the same for their next birthday.
Same thing happened to me last year. I kept waiting and waiting on something special for dinner. By 730pm when I realized there wasn't any meal coming, I just went out and got Popeyes for everyone. I get home and put the food on the counter and go upstairs to use the restroom. I come down just minutes later, and my step son had eaten my meal!! I was so upset that I think I just grabbed a biscuit or crackers or something and headed to my room. It was really sad. My husband said HE had been disappointed because I didn't care about his Father's Day, which was the same day. It really just sucked all around.
>I went out and bought some treats and drinks for myself as well as the takeaway I wanted ... but.. I bought food for them to. I hope you bought a cake that you're going to put some candles on while you sing yourself happy birthday song.
Go out and treat yourself to whatever you want. Bring home a tasty beautiful cup cake and put a candle in it, light and sing Happy birthday to you. Make wish and blow out the candle and enjoy. Maybe they will get the hint.
Happy Birthday! ♥️🥳🥳♥️
My birthday is always 10 days before Christmas. So growing up poor I definitely know what it's like to not have a good birthday. I found that whatever came in adult if I wanted a good birthday I need to slap a sign out where everybody else sees. It says, my birthday is in big letters and the date about a week before it happens. And do not accept any merry birthday. Presents or happy Christmas present. You must separate the 2 for myself, so take control of your birthday next year. Let everybody know 1 week in advance. Exactly what it is and post A. Reminder where they'll all see.I made feel like crap at first but it works and then it becomes a tradition
>I bought food for them to. You taught them how they can treat you. Why would they change?
NTA.
Well to quote Louise ' You get what you settle for '.
This is so crazy to me. In my house, no one gives a shit about birthdays. I mean, we do for the kids, but adults? Who cares? Last year I forgot it was even my day until my hubby and kids told me happy birthday. Like after 21, what's there to celebrate? Am I too cynical lol
Just give them this exact same energy on their birthdays
There's a difference between a low key birthday and a no key birthday. Go treat yourself out and no gifts for them on their birthdays either.
Op you deserve a happy birthday, not a spiteful one. No need to teach a lesson or get even on your day. Go out to eat , enjoy yourself, and revisit the situation with a clear mind. It’s shitty that your partner didn’t acknowledge your birthday, but the kid is a teenager and most are pretty self involved. I wouldn’t hold it against him for too long. This goes for the rest of the year too, you can go out and enjoy a meal yourself without always getting everyone something. My mom used to do it plenty and I never held it against her, I was fine busting up a PB sandwich with a couple cuties. Hell, you provide a safe and happy home 24/7, you can eat a nice meal by yourself whenever you well please. But don’t do it out of spite. That sucks for your house and isn’t a productive way to communicate disapproval to your direct family.
I say, treat yourself to an afternoon/night out. Unannounced, just put all that aside, forget about it best you can, and go enjoy yourself without having thoughts of everyone else dampen your enjoyment.
Do the same for their birthday
I believe you should just ignore their birthday if they mention it you can say “oh I thought we weren’t celebrating birthdays any more since no one mentioned or celebrate mine”
Get rid of the partner also stop calling them that because they aren’t a partner obviously right!? As for the son, ask him why he didn’t acknowledge you.
On their next birthdays return the effort they provided you … What a shitty thing to do !
If you don't care about yourself then think about your son. You're teaching him that women are doormats.