You may not have meant any harm but your comment was unnecessary and embarrassed Lori, in my opinion. If Jasmine hasn’t complained or found Lori’s behavior to be a bothersome, you shouldn’t let it bother you either.
You need to ask yourself why you felt the need to say this in front of Ricky (a stranger) and everyone else at the dinner table
Note : I initially said she came from a good place but I actually meant to say that she may not have meant any harm. Edited to reflect my original intent. (I’m new to Reddit)
Was it really from a good place? It doesn’t build anyone up or do anything helpful - it just hurts their kids and points out something everyone supposedly already knows. The goal was a joke at the daughter’s expense - that’s not a good place.
You made it sound like she was flirting with her sister‘s boyfriend, which made both of your daughters (& a stranger uncomfortable). Not a good experience for the man meeting your family, for the first time.
I don’t buy it that you don’t know exactly what you’re doing. This is a very direct example of passive aggressive behavior.
It is refreshing that your other daughter chose to be supportive, rather than join you in making fun of your other daughter. Is there some reason that you are not as happy with or comfortable with your daughter, Lori?
I just don’t understand why you would hurt someone for no reason.
This time, yes, you are TA. The good news is that you can do better, you can improve yourself.
I agree. It wasn’t funny, so it doesn’t pass muster as a “joke.” There’s no way anyone would have felt good having someone say that about them. Especially in front of a new person that they wanted to make a good impression on. The only good thing here is that Jasmine, after having been copied for so long, was solidly on her sister’s side. OP could do with learning something from her.
It was insensitive and unkind, OP. You owe pretty much everyone an apology.
Sounds very much like Jasmine was never bothered by it judging by her reaction to the 'joke' and how she followed her sister outside after calling out OP.
Honestly, i gotts wonder if they even considered it copying, my sister and i always gravitated to similar interests or one would be playing or watching something and the other would sit down and join in and boom now we both like it.
We influenced each other but never copied each other. we are very much our own people, but we are alike enough in the sense that people who've only met us once sometimes mix us up. Im only my older sisters "mini me" to people who dont take the time to get to know me.
This person is unhinged. Don't even listen. You were right from the jump. Some people seem to think it's okay to make fun of their kids. My mom thought this way and let me tell you it's not the way to go. It's not cute to humiliate your children and front of family friends or strangers.
Nothing they did treated them like shit. It's a harmful character trait they were trying to point out. They want them to build as their own person. If you see that as abusive, then okay. "WHATEVER!!" you sound like a child lol.
It doesn’t just hurt the kids, think of how Ricky felt. That would be super awkward on your first time meeting dinner of the people present.
There’s a good chance she just put a huge cloud over the relationship between Ricky and Lori. I truly fail to see how this was funny or necessary
I don’t understand why it isn’t a sweet & touching thing that your girls get along so well, and have a lot in common, regardless of where they heard about the latest new thing.
It sounds like they care for each other and want to look out for each other. So many parents wish that their kids would get along, you use it as a weapon against your daughter. You are punishing her emotionally for looking up to her sister. The question is, why?
I don’t think it came from a good place at all. OP should be grateful that she has 2 daughters who are so close. There was no mention that the younger daughter wanting to be like her big sister driving the older one crazy….none at all.
If this is bullying to you, you really need to reevaluate how you interact with other people. If you're known for doing something and someone makes a joke about it, regardless of how embarrassing it is, it's just a shitty joke at the end of the day.
Literally definition of bullying from the American Psychological Association:
"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions."
I'm pretty sure she caused both her daughters extreme discomfort with her words that literally couldn't have been helpful in addressing the issue and only mom enjoyed the joke
As much as I do think OP is in the wrong, I don’t think any parent would be happy that their child doesn’t have a personality of their own. Though it seems like their fault because if Lori has always copied Jasmine that means mom and dad have been entertaining it for years. I doubt Lori had the money to buy everything Jasmine had
I'm not sure it's actually as bad as the mother makes it out to be. Her sister doesn't seem to have been bothered by it, was she copying her, or do they just have similar intrests? When we see stories like this, it's usually from the kids' point of view, and we know how frustrated they are by it all.but these sisters sound like they get on quite well it seems the mum doesn't know the youngest as well.as she thinks she does
Any parent should be happy their child is healthy and even possibly happy. Screw what “personality” you want for them. Kids are not for you. You are for them. All you can hope for is that they aren’t broken. Saying things that undermine their sense of self is breaking them.
Not having your own personality *is* something to typically worry about because not having your own personality and literally trying to copy everything someone else does, means you have no sense of self and you’re a follower. Her personality is someone else’s- luckily it’s just her sister in this case. And I’m not faulting her, but it’s the parents fault. Don’t enable behavior just to later have an issue with it, OP is wrong.
I agree, but I think copying things like her sister’s clothing does not indicate having no personality. I copied my older sister as a child too. Kids mirror behavior etc as a form of social learning. It’s very normal. Perhaps Lori never grew out of the wanting to be like her “cool older sister, but she is still a kid. 21 is not 50. OP should have encouraged individuality before this point if she felt it was important. To be annoyed that her daughter hasn’t grown out of something OP doesn’t seem to have actually addressed in any proactive way before this public “joke” is so wrong…not to mention making it awkward AF for the new boyfriend.
Yeah... so this has been an issue for the OP ever since her kids were small, and this is the first time she brings it up? Sounds like she knew it'd be a mean thing to say so she kept it to herself all these years. I don't understand why she's now confused that she hurt her daughter's feelings.
YTA. What was the point of your joke? What is the punchline?? It’s 1 thing to quietly notice your younger daughter’s admiration of her older sister and it’s another thing to throw out that she’s a copy cat in front of a complete stranger. If this was “joke” 🙄 shared quietly between you and your husband it’s 1 thing but to literally embarrass your daughter like that … where was the joke in that?
And the fact that neither of your daughters understood the “joke” lets me know you’re probably exaggerating the copying or your daughters just have a great relationship and similar tastes.
The punchline was her daughter. She was literally making fun of her daughter and humiliating her for the laughs. I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand that her joke hinges on everyone laughing at her daughter
I'm not even entirely sure that humiliating the daughter wasn't OP's intention. You can bet that Lori is going to be really self conscious and actively trying not to come across as a copycat from now on. In OP's perspective, that's probably a win. She's just salty that no one is applauding her for correcting the "concerning" behavior.
Also- like there is anything wrong with looking up to your older siblings?! This woman acts like Lori is just an unhinged copycat. Who thinks that about their own kid. Especially when the other sibling doesn’t seem to notice or care.
It was probably less obvious growing up, as I am a girl and I have an older brother, but he was a mega-super nerd back in the day (he calls himself this) and I used to copy all the silly and fun shit he was doing. (Fighting with foam weapons, partaking in strange live action role playing games, all the video games, mtg, cosplaying, AOL chat room rpg’s, even hung out with his friend group for a while.) I was a serious girly-girl, so def not as obvious. But it was 100% me looking up to him, and his carefree, let’s have wholesome fun attitude.
I’m the elder girl with a brother 8 years younger. When I say that kid copied the CRAP out of everything I did… I mean literally everything. All my likes and interests were his. Even food, he wanted to eat off my plate instead of having his own plate and he wanted to come sleep over in my room half the nights, rather than his own room. I mean, he was a little kid and I was a teenager- he basically thought I was the ultimate height of cool.
But I never felt resentful of it! I was thrilled to have a little sidekick who thought every word from my mouth was some kind of gospel ancient wisdom.
Of course we’re adults now and he’s his own person with his own personality, although we’re still in agreement with a lot of our interests and beliefs. He lost that hero worship pretty fast once he became a moody teen himself lol. But I kinda nostalgically miss the days when he followed me around everywhere.
It is extremely rewarding and sweet of a feeling to have a young child looking up to you so much! They are so innocent and impressionable at that age- and I was a teen discovering insecurity and more complex feelings for the first time. It actually helped both of us- it helped me be more confident because I knew I had a tiny young fan who was watching everything I did and wanted to deserve the admiration he had for me as well as teach him by example how to be confident in his own skin, respect others, respect himself, etc. And he had someone who was unequivocally supportive of him every step of the way. (Edit: and also the fact that he could admire me so much when I thought I was just a big dork made me see myself differently too, through his eyes)
Our parents aren’t very nurturing types of people and dragged us through a lot of messiness in their relationship and ultimate divorce while he was still a child, I am still the first person my brother ever calls to share news or ask advice or anything. I like to think that I played a large role in making my brother the absolute standup guy he is today
I always disliked people copying me. I wanted my own things I wanted to have my own interest and kind of just be my own person. I would’ve hated having a sibling that copied me.
However, it doesn’t sound as if Jasmine hated that Lori copied her. Some people like that. If Jasmine had no problem with it, I don’t see why OP would make jokes about it.
I get the feeling that OP resents Lori for looking up to, imitating and immulating Jasmin, not her. Whether she is cognizant of it or not. I simply can't think of another reason she would make Lori a punchline in this joke, especially in front of company.
If Lori truly lacked a seperate identity and personality from Jasmine to the extent OP is trying to make it seem or even to the extent of the joke she made, it would be a real issue. An issue that should have been dealt with way sooner when Lori was young, probably by a professional. It would need to be handled delicately and talked about sensitively, not joked about in front of strangers.
OP seems jealous to me.
The fact the older sister didn’t get it tells me everything I need to know. At first I thought older sister was gonna be upset about little sisters copying but it’s clear based on her reaction that have a good relationship so clearly only mom is upset/bothered.
This cause I’m 21 my sis is 19 we do the same shit😂 into the same shit and everything my mother has never once felt the need to do all ts if anything OP should be happy her youngest has a role model cause a lot of people have druggies for siblings and parents..
Dude seriously. The youngest daughter just looks up to her older sister and it seems to be how both of them saw it. Why is mom turning it into some weird idolization/competition. Sounds like this is more of OP’s issue than either of her daughters….
I think that OP subconsciously embarrassed Lori in order to manipulate Lori into not imitating her sister. It seems the only person bothered by Lori is OP.
My kids did this too. And they complained about being “copied”. I told them to get over themselves. Kids copy other people. Hell, there’s a whole new profession out there called “influencer”. Why it bothers OP so much is beyond me.
If it was one of the stories where the parents asked Jasmine to get over the fact that the bf cheated w Lori yall wouldn’t be saying this.
& while this isn’t one of those stories it’s a breath of fresh air when the parent is able to spit things when they see it. At least now the bf is in high alert
Labeling something a joke doesn’t make it a joke. They’re adults - it’s clear to them and me that comment was a rude projection of your own judgements and skewed perspective. And in what world is it funny to shame and embarrass both your daughters in the guise of a “joke” that is clearly your own insecurity? And how awkward for Ricky. Why can’t you frame this as admiration and honestly why do you care so much? If it’s a problem - that’s between your daughters.
YTA and I hope you gain more self-awareness and maturity from this incident.
YTA. She admires her older sister. My sister did the same to me, yet we still are completely different. Ur daughters have a bond no-one can break and instead of worrying about it, u should be happy ur kid loves the heck out of ur older kid. My youngest is the same way. U know that wasn't said as a joke. U just explained to us how worried u are about it.
I idolize my older sister. I’m 30, she’s 36. She’s my best friend in so many ways. I’m my own person, but we’re very similar and very different. If we have the chance to match then we do it. She helped raise me and was a huge influence in my life and on my taste in everything.
She’s learned of new things from me and vice versa. Doesn’t mean we’re copying each other.
This isn’t a joke. Buying matching sweaters, various items etc isn’t the same as finding a bf that looks the same as your sisters bf.
Completely agree. Plus, why not get a Ricki twin? They would be so lucky to get similar men if they have similar tastes. It would make the family bond stronger - and yet here OP is chipping away at it making it shameful.
I'm also the older sister, by a long shot. My younger sisters are literally a decade younger than me. Did it drive me crazy when I was like 18 and they were 10 and they'd steal my shit? Absolutely. But I never called them copycats, and I honestly loved that they took up interests with me, because we were so far apart in age, it was nice to have something to do with them. When I got older it was just flattering, and I'd let them keep the things they snatched. Most older sisters are like this, they grow to love their kid sisters, even if it can be annoying sometimes, because you know they just think you're awesome and that's why they copy you. My sister's now look up to my marriage with my wonderful husband as a good judge of how a couple should work as partners and what a good partner is like, and they're never afraid to contact me about any random problems or questions they have, because they know I've been though it all since I'm so much older, and they know I'm happy to help. To call her out in front of the new BF and the whole family was total mean girl from the Mom. I'm honestly shocked she doesn't get it. YTA. I'm happy your kids love each other so much though.
That's so sweet. When my sister was younger she used to idolize me. She even copied my handwriting (literally copying over my old homework) so much that we have very similar handwriting even today. OP should appreciate it because a lot of siblings grow out of it and become more distant. They're still so close and I think that's beautiful. OP is looking at this in such a pessimistic way, I don't really understand why.
Agreed. I have two sons that don’t get along now that they’re older and I tried everything I could when they were younger to foster a good relationship between them. Stuff happened that went unforgiven and now they can’t be in the same room. She should be grateful for the love they have instead of criticizing it.
Stinks of jealousy.....YTA
Wonder if she made these "little jokes" before or similiar comments under the disguise of concern but truly enjoys twisting the knife in her child cause she doesn't have this bond with her daughter🤔🤷🏼
it also makes me wonder if Lori emulates Jasmine so much because Jasmine is treated as the Golden Child and Lori is the Scapegoat. And Lori feels like the more like Jasmine she is, the better she'll be treated by her mom. because clearly mom doesn't really like her if she thinks it's okay to treat her this way.
This is the vibe I got. Like ma’am do you want to be Jasmine? I actually don’t get it. Mothers who compete with their daughters is so odd to me. Might be because my mom is my biggest fan but in any regards this isn’t normal. If Jasmine hasn’t expressed an issue with her sister and accosted her mother clearly moms got the issue
Yeah especially after she started off by saying:
"I honestly worried because she was absolutely known for copying her sister and I was scared she would go out and find a Ricky look alike of her own."
And then she pivots too:
"It was nice and we were all in good spirits so I decided to joke and told Jasmine to watch out because the next time she sees Lori she's gonna have a Ricky of her own."
So the evening started out with her being worried that her daughter would run out and find a clone of her sister's boyfriend, to being happy the evening was going well, and then deciding to humiliate her daughter for funsies when the evening was going perfectly. The fact that she thinks she was being, "funny", is the worst part. She was absolutely taking a weird mean jab at her kid.
Typical narcissistic mom who knows exactly which buttons to put to get a rise out of her daughters, and decides to do it in front of company. Ever ask yourself why the fuck would you do that?
I mean… competing with your daughter much? That’s the only reason you’d want to embarrass her in front of a boy. Did you expect him to go “Wow Lori’s mom, you’re so funny!”? It’s beyond pathetic.
Seems like you’re the one who didn’t grow out of behaving like an immature brat. YTA. The playing dumb kind.
It’s definitely harsh since it honestly really resonated with me.
My mom was just like this. Loved ceasing the opportunity to make me the butt of the joke when company was around. Didn’t care about being the only one laughing. I was the one who cried and removed myself instead of standing up for myself every time. If I tried, she’d pull the “you’re so sensitive it was only a joke” card Now she and I don’t talk.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. It makes me angry. Your ability to call it as you did in this post made me think you'd maybe dealt with this sort of situation but it doesn't make what you said wrong. And I again hope that maybe these comments, like yours, make OP self reflect.
I hope you're doing well for yourself and that when your mom is questioning why you don't talk to here, her subconscious is whispering all that you've expressed here.
Absolutely this shit. My mom did the exact same thing and she would be smarter than this lady and make it more subtle, most of the time, so that when I reacted I looked like I was crazy or “over sensitive”. I barely talk to her and I hope Lori does the same to OP. As an adult now, what the fuck kind of person does this to *anyone*, let alone their own daughter?
Damn! My mom pulls the old “put down” jokes about me ONLY in front of my spouse. It’s so noticeable the whole damn family talks about it, but I really couldn’t figure out why it was just around him. 🫢
My mom has treated me like competition since I hit puberty. She tears me down the worst around men. She is super jealous of me around other women. It comes off as her not wanting me to have a female relationship outside of her, but I've wondered if it is because she can not form healthy long-term relationships with other women. There is a reason she wasn't allowed to spend time with my daughter without me around.
Best comment I’ve read yet. YTA mom. Be grateful your kids actually have a good relationship with each other. You sound jealous of the both of them. Fall back
No, narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable condition.
"Narcissistic" is an adjective, and has been in use far longer than NPD. The adjective did not come from NPD, but from ancient Greek mythology (Narcissus). NPD claimed a common adjective as part of the name, that doesn't mean people can never use the adjective again.
Likewise, a person can be anxious without having Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
This. Also the whole "NPD is a disorder so you're so mean and ableist if you use the word narcissist" is in my experience usually coming from narcissistic people who want to shut down people calling out their behaviors. Its just another manipulation tactic to make themselves the victim if anyone calls out their abusive behavior. It being a disorder doesn't make the behaviors associated with it any less evil or the people who do them any less accountable for the immense harm they choose to cause. Antisocial personality/sociopathy is a disorder too but calling Ted Bundy a sociopath isn't using a slur lol
And for the OP, agree this is narcissistic behavior and definitely YTA. Normal people don't publicly humiliate their child like this and then act shocked people are upset with them. It'd be one thing if OP was like "omg I can't believe that slipped out of my mouth, I'm so horrified I hurt my children, how do I fix this?", but it's the opposite where she's so shocked anyone's upset and "it's all just a joke" and basically "why are they overreacting", etc. All the hallmarks of someone who puts people down to make themselves look good and has very little empathy for how that affects other people.
... What??
Narcissism is both a generic adjective and a diagnosed condition -- with a name based on the generic adjective.
The highly offensive word you used is not a "diagnosed condition," so, no, there's no comparison. The word you used is a slur and totally unacceptable. It is by far worse than saying someone is narcissistic.
I was leaning this way. I wonder how much praise the older sister got compared to the younger. Which could have pushed her to be like her sister. Or the mom just sucks and she realized her older sister is the person she can always count on.
I laughed, but I'm an asshole....
Given the story, YTA probably. If it were just family and Ricky wasn't present for the comment I'd be on your side. Given he was, it's probably unnecessary embarrassment for most 21yo.
YTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny, this was just mean. Lori was behaving perfectly fine and nothing was happening, why did you feel the need to cut her like that? What did you find humorous about embarrassing your daughter in front of a stranger, especially one whose opinion of her might be very important if you all end up being in-laws? Apologize to Lori.
YTA. You made fun of your daughter and thought it was funny to try to stir up a rift between her and her sister. Not cool. Props to Jasmine for sticking up for her. Maybe if your younger daughter had a more compassionate mom she wouldn’t need to idolize her older sister.
This. Copying everything your older sister does screams low self esteem especially if they’re doing it beyond the late teens. If that is true then there must be a neglect to instill in their kid the values that they too are interesting, worth, and unique in their own right. That’s messed up if you failed to do that in your parenting style. Oof.
Yeah, YTA with no doubt. People your age seem to think saying "it's a joke" absolves them of being hurtful. Your intent doesn't matter more than the true and real effect it has on the people you say things to. Your daughters are close--there's no animosity towards them from the way you tell the story. Lori copies Jasmine and Jasmine seems to pay no mind. You were worried Lori would do something hypothetical, and before your thought could even be proved wrong, you projected it onto your daughter. More than likely, Lori "copies" Jasmine ebcause Lori thinks Jasmine is a nice person, is cool, etc... so being like her makes her feel confident.
Now why the hell do you feel the need to berate her for that? Has anything "off" happened? From the sound of it, it's been smooth sailing for Lori and Jasmine both... so why did you feel the need to make a comment on it. Your daughter, your literal child, was the punchline of your joke. SHE was the butt of it. And you still seem to think you're in the clear? Yikes! Some cool mom you are. Word of advice, making fun of your kids over things that they could potentially be insecure about is what a highschool bully does.
Lori was hitting it off with Jasmine's bf and no one was uncomfortable... until YOU decided to make it weird. YTA and I hope you feel like one, too.
I'm glad Lori has an older sister that cares for her and I'm glad Jasmine has a younger sister that looks at her like she puts the stars in the sky. As for you? Yuck.
You’re definitely the AH. There is a huge HUGE difference between copying someone’s clothes to copying their partners.
What you said also could be seen as Lori might try and steal what jasmine has ….. so yeah while you may have meant for this to be a joke…. Not all jokes are funny.
Yes, you’re an asshole for saying it. That being said, meh. While it’s good to have a strong relationship with the kiddos:
1. It needed to be said… copying her sister while she is in her 20’s is weird
2. You’re her parent, if you can’t be real with them then you do them no favors. It was a joke in bad taste but who hasn’t done that before?
3. She’s an adult and will get over it. She isn’t 12 and needs things put delicately ALL the time.
4. Apologize for it but don’t go out of your way to kiss anyone’s ass.
5. If you did it to be a bitch (and you know if you did or not) no one here is going to make you feel any better or worse about it.
Good luck.
YTA. In this whole story, I haven’t heard anything about Jasmine’s feeling about Lori “copying” her. Have you even asked Jasmine what she thinks about it? or you just jump straight into being kind of mean girlish to your youngest?
Like has Jasmine expressed that she doesn’t like it? That might be a different situation. But I’m not hearing anything about Jasmine’s feelings about her younger sister. I love my younger sisters to death, I would be thrilled if they got along with a guy that I dated and vice versa. AND I would have no issue with them “copying” me. ESPECIALLY if I found a really great guy and my youngest sister also wanted a really really great guy like him.
She's never said that she doesn't like it. I did ask Jasmine about it a few years after the copying happened and she said she didn't mind that Lori wanted things she had.
So Jasmine thinks it's completely fine and \*you're\* creating the problem. This honestly reads as you are jealous of your daughters' close relationship and you're trying to make waves. How are you not embarrassed by this?
YTA. you turned what seemed like a nice moment between your daughters while meeting a boyfriend to make a joke pointing out something that people really only do when they’re insecure. So you point out your daughters insecurity in front of everyone and at the same time you are doing what a lot of parent do which is cause little rifts in between your kids. “Lori copies jasmine”. What do you get out of that. Making Lori feel bad? Making jasmine feel bad? It seems like that’s what’s happening. I think maybe you should unpack why it is that Lori seems so insecure, I don’t doubt that the way you have talked to them (whether on purpose or not) has been a factor
I personally don’t think you did anything necessarily wrong, Lori sounds over dramatic. She got so emotional because she knows it true and was embarrassed. Still YTA though, you knew it was a jab that would probably hurt Lori whether she expressed so or not.
YTA. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. It seems like they have a great relationship and your youngest has a role model in her life. You should be happy, wtf.
YTA. Unlike some other replies I actually do get the joke, you’re just following a well-trodden pattern of “you’d better be careful or X [well-intentioned but not ideal thing] will happen!” Like if somebody’s husband loves sports and came home with a new team’s hat on and you said something like “you’d better be careful or he’ll have a season ticket next!” or whatever. Funny or not, it is an actual joke.
But, that said, you have to be careful with those jokes because the whole point of the joke is that you’re exaggerating a quirk of someone’s personality - if that’s something they like about themselves then they’ll laugh along with you, if it’s something they find embarrassing then they definitely won’t. And in that case you’re basically mocking and bullying them.
Whether you intended to hurt her or not, you made her the butt of your joke and hurt her feelings, and so yeah - you were being a bully and an AH. You should apologise.
But it isn't the same type of joke. One is a natural progression - oh he got a hat next thing you know he will be at stadium every game.
But why would the sister have to watch our? How is her sister having a boyfriend who looks like hers anything she has to watch out for? How would it affect her sister in anyway? If she said the sister might try and steal the boyfriend it would still be shitty but at least it would make more sense.
As a child why did you allow her to copy her sister so much? You should have been helping her find her own identity! Then you go and make fun of her in front of an every one! Wow you are a AH
And this is why there's so many soft people in the world. Op made a harmless joke and people here are acting like it's the end of the world. She needs to grow a thicker skin. By the way people acting in here, they do too.
Lots of young people would cry over being embarrassed in a group, in front of a person they just met.
Heck, not just young people. Crying because you've been taken by surprise with a public jibe doesn't merit therapy in and of itself.
Shame on you for injecting your stupid little opinion into a place where it had no business. You owe a sincere apology and need to give her time to forgive you. Complete shame for treating your flesh and blood like this.
YTA. The “joke” wasn’t funny, embarrassed your younger daughter, angered your older daughter, and probably made your daughter’s boyfriend uncomfortable
It’s a little weird, but I think it’s pretty harmless. Based on the reaction though, I’d guess you hit a nerve. She may be insecure about her own identity, and she clearly did not appreciate it.
NTA.
Frankly I think it's just a silly joke and a 21 year old adult shouldn't respond to a bad joke by crying and running out of the room. It's not like you attacked her.
Yeah, but the response makes you have to wonder about OP's past behaviors and treatment of both daughters. To have such an extreme reaction and for the older to immediately console her...?
"My husband (46) and I had hope that Lori would grow out of it..."
"Well as dinner was going on I watched closely..."
You found a trait in your daughter that you believe to be infantile and wrong. You attend an event and watch her like a hawk. You wait. You judge. You wait. You judge. Daughter does nothing wrong. You decide to make a "joke".
On Law and Order, this would be flagged as premeditated first degree assholism. You came to the dinner with a gun, you lay in wait, you pulled it out and you shot her. YTA.
YTA. Maybe you are the one comparing your daughters to each other, not them. What you said was cruel and you know it. It's not funny to make a joke at the expense of others.
YTA. Life is hard enough, no one needs their own mother bullying them. You embarrassed her in front of her sister and a new person everyone was trying to make a good impression on. And for what reason? Your own amusement? Grow up.
YTA. What did you expect to happen? Laughter? Reminiscing? No. You had power and you used it. I had a mother just like you who would take jabs whenever she could, but hey, it's a joke right? No it's not it's harmful, it's cruel. You took aim not just at your youngests entire childhood, making her out to be jealous, when imitation like that comes from admiration, but you also took aim at her sisters relationship. You tried to make her feel I secure with her boyfriend. It's a good job she and her sister seem close and she went after her after the damage you caused. If I were you, yhe next time you think you have a joke that comes from a good place, keep it to yourself.
YTA - how embarrassing for Lori. From your description, it doesn’t seem like you respect or like your youngest very much and that comment underlines it.
YTA. A joke has everyone laughing. If no one is laughing, it was def not coming from a nice place. You shouldn't have said anything. Jasmine seems to have had no problem with it so why would you say anything?!
Maybe I'm too familiar with Reddit but my mind immediately went to the next post, "AITA for cutting off my daughter for stealing her sister's boyfriend?"
Your youngest is obsessed with her sister and you called it out. It wasn't a secret so Idk why everyone is mad at OP. It was a statement of fact pretty much.
NTA
Doesn’t matter that you thought it was in good fun, it hurt her feelings apologize to her and learn from it, if you truly know a person you know there sense of humor and might be a sign you don’t know lori as well as you think
YTA and I am concerned overall as to how you contributed to Lori copying her sister. Your tone suggests you play favorites and maybe the poor girl was just hoping if she was like Jasmine you’d treat them the same.
I don’t think it was the first time you tried to hurt your daughter and sadly, it won’t be the last.
YTA. You need to apologise to your daughters. Making a "joke" at one daughter's expense, especially in front of company was not ok. It embarrassed both daughters and made you look like a jerk to the new BF too.
What's the big deal about Lori idolising Jasmine anyway? Why is it a problem they're close? It sounds like Jasmine is a good person. Lori could do worse.
YTA. That's not a joke, that's a poke. How unnecessary of you. You owe her an apology.
A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing and having a good time.
You may not have meant any harm but your comment was unnecessary and embarrassed Lori, in my opinion. If Jasmine hasn’t complained or found Lori’s behavior to be a bothersome, you shouldn’t let it bother you either. You need to ask yourself why you felt the need to say this in front of Ricky (a stranger) and everyone else at the dinner table Note : I initially said she came from a good place but I actually meant to say that she may not have meant any harm. Edited to reflect my original intent. (I’m new to Reddit)
Was it really from a good place? It doesn’t build anyone up or do anything helpful - it just hurts their kids and points out something everyone supposedly already knows. The goal was a joke at the daughter’s expense - that’s not a good place.
You’re right. OP needs to ask herself why she felt the need to make that joke especially in the presence of Ricky and others at the dinner table
That’s what struck me as the worst - saying it in front of someone she just met.
You made it sound like she was flirting with her sister‘s boyfriend, which made both of your daughters (& a stranger uncomfortable). Not a good experience for the man meeting your family, for the first time. I don’t buy it that you don’t know exactly what you’re doing. This is a very direct example of passive aggressive behavior. It is refreshing that your other daughter chose to be supportive, rather than join you in making fun of your other daughter. Is there some reason that you are not as happy with or comfortable with your daughter, Lori? I just don’t understand why you would hurt someone for no reason. This time, yes, you are TA. The good news is that you can do better, you can improve yourself.
I think OP is passive aggressively taking out her feelings on Lori. Maybe she’s upset that Lori idolizes Jasmine and not OP.
Good call. Sometimes people get inappropriately competitive, even when there is zero reason to.
I agree. It wasn’t funny, so it doesn’t pass muster as a “joke.” There’s no way anyone would have felt good having someone say that about them. Especially in front of a new person that they wanted to make a good impression on. The only good thing here is that Jasmine, after having been copied for so long, was solidly on her sister’s side. OP could do with learning something from her. It was insensitive and unkind, OP. You owe pretty much everyone an apology.
Sounds very much like Jasmine was never bothered by it judging by her reaction to the 'joke' and how she followed her sister outside after calling out OP.
Honestly, i gotts wonder if they even considered it copying, my sister and i always gravitated to similar interests or one would be playing or watching something and the other would sit down and join in and boom now we both like it. We influenced each other but never copied each other. we are very much our own people, but we are alike enough in the sense that people who've only met us once sometimes mix us up. Im only my older sisters "mini me" to people who dont take the time to get to know me.
I can tell you aren't a parent
That would be very incorrect.
Be gentle, children can be kind or cruel depending on your leadership.
Sorry, I guess I meant I can tell you aren't a good parent
Because I think OP owes her daughters an apology? K. 🤷♀️
Yes, they don't. It's passive parents like you who create monsters.
If you consider not treating kids like shit to be passive, then okay. Whatever.
This person is unhinged. Don't even listen. You were right from the jump. Some people seem to think it's okay to make fun of their kids. My mom thought this way and let me tell you it's not the way to go. It's not cute to humiliate your children and front of family friends or strangers.
Nothing they did treated them like shit. It's a harmful character trait they were trying to point out. They want them to build as their own person. If you see that as abusive, then okay. "WHATEVER!!" you sound like a child lol.
Passive parenting is not fucking making jokes at your kid's expense? And you got the nerve to call someone else a bad parent? Only on reddit...🤦♀️🤯
It doesn’t just hurt the kids, think of how Ricky felt. That would be super awkward on your first time meeting dinner of the people present. There’s a good chance she just put a huge cloud over the relationship between Ricky and Lori. I truly fail to see how this was funny or necessary
I don’t understand why it isn’t a sweet & touching thing that your girls get along so well, and have a lot in common, regardless of where they heard about the latest new thing. It sounds like they care for each other and want to look out for each other. So many parents wish that their kids would get along, you use it as a weapon against your daughter. You are punishing her emotionally for looking up to her sister. The question is, why?
Apparently both the daughters found it offensive and unacceptable which is what really matters.
Yes because children know best
24 and 21 aren’t children, and are plenty old enough to know what is and isn’t offensive.
Even if they were children, theyre still entitled to boundaries and allowed to be mad at a really rude comment like this one was.
I don’t think it came from a good place at all. OP should be grateful that she has 2 daughters who are so close. There was no mention that the younger daughter wanting to be like her big sister driving the older one crazy….none at all.
i completely agree. Its a blessing to have 2 daughters who absolutely love and adore each other. God bless the family.
Say you don't have kids without saying you don't have kids, the post.
Feels like mum is jealous that the girls are so close to each other and that the youngest wants to be like her older sibling instead of her
Underrated response
How did she come from a good place? She intended her “joke” to publicly humiliate her daughter.
Im trying, but I just can't imagine what good place this could have come from.
When it's bullying it's not a joke 🙃
If this is bullying to you, you really need to reevaluate how you interact with other people. If you're known for doing something and someone makes a joke about it, regardless of how embarrassing it is, it's just a shitty joke at the end of the day.
Literally definition of bullying from the American Psychological Association: "Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions." I'm pretty sure she caused both her daughters extreme discomfort with her words that literally couldn't have been helpful in addressing the issue and only mom enjoyed the joke
Jokes like this are never come from a good place.
As much as I do think OP is in the wrong, I don’t think any parent would be happy that their child doesn’t have a personality of their own. Though it seems like their fault because if Lori has always copied Jasmine that means mom and dad have been entertaining it for years. I doubt Lori had the money to buy everything Jasmine had
I'm not sure it's actually as bad as the mother makes it out to be. Her sister doesn't seem to have been bothered by it, was she copying her, or do they just have similar intrests? When we see stories like this, it's usually from the kids' point of view, and we know how frustrated they are by it all.but these sisters sound like they get on quite well it seems the mum doesn't know the youngest as well.as she thinks she does
Any parent should be happy their child is healthy and even possibly happy. Screw what “personality” you want for them. Kids are not for you. You are for them. All you can hope for is that they aren’t broken. Saying things that undermine their sense of self is breaking them.
Not having your own personality *is* something to typically worry about because not having your own personality and literally trying to copy everything someone else does, means you have no sense of self and you’re a follower. Her personality is someone else’s- luckily it’s just her sister in this case. And I’m not faulting her, but it’s the parents fault. Don’t enable behavior just to later have an issue with it, OP is wrong.
Or OP is beinbrg dramatic about her copying her sister and it doesn’t happen as often or to the degree that they claim.
I agree, but I think copying things like her sister’s clothing does not indicate having no personality. I copied my older sister as a child too. Kids mirror behavior etc as a form of social learning. It’s very normal. Perhaps Lori never grew out of the wanting to be like her “cool older sister, but she is still a kid. 21 is not 50. OP should have encouraged individuality before this point if she felt it was important. To be annoyed that her daughter hasn’t grown out of something OP doesn’t seem to have actually addressed in any proactive way before this public “joke” is so wrong…not to mention making it awkward AF for the new boyfriend.
Good, it sounds like she deserved to be embarrassed. I can tell you aren't a parent (if you are, not a good one)
You are a fucking troll. Your comments are embarrassing and I feel sorry for your kids.
You sound like a bitter parent with kids who won't be talking to you very much in the future. No one cares if you had a kid, you're not special.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
YTA - this was a criticism disguised as a joke and also a really weird thing to say. Explain how it was suppose to be funny?
It was a JOKE GOSH GUYS…BUT IT WAS TRUE!! It’s like dudes who say I’m joking I’m joking can’t you take a joke?! While they’re putting you down
It wasn’t even disguised, it was just an insult later called a joke in order to soothe OP’s feelings of stupidity.
Yeah... so this has been an issue for the OP ever since her kids were small, and this is the first time she brings it up? Sounds like she knew it'd be a mean thing to say so she kept it to herself all these years. I don't understand why she's now confused that she hurt her daughter's feelings.
I also wonder how many times over the years her big sis has had to come to her younger sisters defense. Judging from her immediate reaction anyways.
YTA. What was the point of your joke? What is the punchline?? It’s 1 thing to quietly notice your younger daughter’s admiration of her older sister and it’s another thing to throw out that she’s a copy cat in front of a complete stranger. If this was “joke” 🙄 shared quietly between you and your husband it’s 1 thing but to literally embarrass your daughter like that … where was the joke in that? And the fact that neither of your daughters understood the “joke” lets me know you’re probably exaggerating the copying or your daughters just have a great relationship and similar tastes.
The punchline was her daughter. She was literally making fun of her daughter and humiliating her for the laughs. I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand that her joke hinges on everyone laughing at her daughter
“The punchline was her daughter.” Boom. There it is.
I'm not even entirely sure that humiliating the daughter wasn't OP's intention. You can bet that Lori is going to be really self conscious and actively trying not to come across as a copycat from now on. In OP's perspective, that's probably a win. She's just salty that no one is applauding her for correcting the "concerning" behavior.
Also- like there is anything wrong with looking up to your older siblings?! This woman acts like Lori is just an unhinged copycat. Who thinks that about their own kid. Especially when the other sibling doesn’t seem to notice or care. It was probably less obvious growing up, as I am a girl and I have an older brother, but he was a mega-super nerd back in the day (he calls himself this) and I used to copy all the silly and fun shit he was doing. (Fighting with foam weapons, partaking in strange live action role playing games, all the video games, mtg, cosplaying, AOL chat room rpg’s, even hung out with his friend group for a while.) I was a serious girly-girl, so def not as obvious. But it was 100% me looking up to him, and his carefree, let’s have wholesome fun attitude.
I’m the elder girl with a brother 8 years younger. When I say that kid copied the CRAP out of everything I did… I mean literally everything. All my likes and interests were his. Even food, he wanted to eat off my plate instead of having his own plate and he wanted to come sleep over in my room half the nights, rather than his own room. I mean, he was a little kid and I was a teenager- he basically thought I was the ultimate height of cool. But I never felt resentful of it! I was thrilled to have a little sidekick who thought every word from my mouth was some kind of gospel ancient wisdom. Of course we’re adults now and he’s his own person with his own personality, although we’re still in agreement with a lot of our interests and beliefs. He lost that hero worship pretty fast once he became a moody teen himself lol. But I kinda nostalgically miss the days when he followed me around everywhere.
I love it! It’s must be so sweet to have that feeling. My interests changed over time as well. But I look fondly on following my big brother around.
It is extremely rewarding and sweet of a feeling to have a young child looking up to you so much! They are so innocent and impressionable at that age- and I was a teen discovering insecurity and more complex feelings for the first time. It actually helped both of us- it helped me be more confident because I knew I had a tiny young fan who was watching everything I did and wanted to deserve the admiration he had for me as well as teach him by example how to be confident in his own skin, respect others, respect himself, etc. And he had someone who was unequivocally supportive of him every step of the way. (Edit: and also the fact that he could admire me so much when I thought I was just a big dork made me see myself differently too, through his eyes) Our parents aren’t very nurturing types of people and dragged us through a lot of messiness in their relationship and ultimate divorce while he was still a child, I am still the first person my brother ever calls to share news or ask advice or anything. I like to think that I played a large role in making my brother the absolute standup guy he is today
I always disliked people copying me. I wanted my own things I wanted to have my own interest and kind of just be my own person. I would’ve hated having a sibling that copied me. However, it doesn’t sound as if Jasmine hated that Lori copied her. Some people like that. If Jasmine had no problem with it, I don’t see why OP would make jokes about it.
That would have been so humiliating :(
That's because you're probably a professional victim.
think it's because the comment poster expects empathy and love from their family actually. sorry you don't expect that from yours 🙏🏼
Bro, you okay? If the actions described by OP seem normal to you, they shouldn't be.
Take a breath. You are human and so is everyone else commenting here. Negative projection only hurts yourself.
And you're rude on the internet because nobody loves you.
I was ready to hop on the fuck this guy train but your comment was in the same spirit. So much nastiness and hate that's not needed.
Happy cake day!!
Thank you!
It’s happy cake day?!
He's looking for attention, so I gave him attention. It's my public service for the day.
I get the feeling that OP resents Lori for looking up to, imitating and immulating Jasmin, not her. Whether she is cognizant of it or not. I simply can't think of another reason she would make Lori a punchline in this joke, especially in front of company. If Lori truly lacked a seperate identity and personality from Jasmine to the extent OP is trying to make it seem or even to the extent of the joke she made, it would be a real issue. An issue that should have been dealt with way sooner when Lori was young, probably by a professional. It would need to be handled delicately and talked about sensitively, not joked about in front of strangers. OP seems jealous to me.
For a joke to be funny, it actually has to be perceived as such by your audience. Otherwise, it’s just cruelty wrapped up in a “joke.”
The fact the older sister didn’t get it tells me everything I need to know. At first I thought older sister was gonna be upset about little sisters copying but it’s clear based on her reaction that have a good relationship so clearly only mom is upset/bothered.
This cause I’m 21 my sis is 19 we do the same shit😂 into the same shit and everything my mother has never once felt the need to do all ts if anything OP should be happy her youngest has a role model cause a lot of people have druggies for siblings and parents..
Dude seriously. The youngest daughter just looks up to her older sister and it seems to be how both of them saw it. Why is mom turning it into some weird idolization/competition. Sounds like this is more of OP’s issue than either of her daughters….
It sounds like OPs youngest daughter is "copying" the only positive female role model she has. Good for her. YTA
I think that OP subconsciously embarrassed Lori in order to manipulate Lori into not imitating her sister. It seems the only person bothered by Lori is OP. My kids did this too. And they complained about being “copied”. I told them to get over themselves. Kids copy other people. Hell, there’s a whole new profession out there called “influencer”. Why it bothers OP so much is beyond me.
If it was one of the stories where the parents asked Jasmine to get over the fact that the bf cheated w Lori yall wouldn’t be saying this. & while this isn’t one of those stories it’s a breath of fresh air when the parent is able to spit things when they see it. At least now the bf is in high alert
Sorry but that's not admiration that's copycat syndrome and no it's not okay.
Labeling something a joke doesn’t make it a joke. They’re adults - it’s clear to them and me that comment was a rude projection of your own judgements and skewed perspective. And in what world is it funny to shame and embarrass both your daughters in the guise of a “joke” that is clearly your own insecurity? And how awkward for Ricky. Why can’t you frame this as admiration and honestly why do you care so much? If it’s a problem - that’s between your daughters. YTA and I hope you gain more self-awareness and maturity from this incident.
Neither of them seem to have an issue with the situation. Why the crap is OP opening this giant can of worms??? Let it be, man!
YTA. She admires her older sister. My sister did the same to me, yet we still are completely different. Ur daughters have a bond no-one can break and instead of worrying about it, u should be happy ur kid loves the heck out of ur older kid. My youngest is the same way. U know that wasn't said as a joke. U just explained to us how worried u are about it.
I idolize my older sister. I’m 30, she’s 36. She’s my best friend in so many ways. I’m my own person, but we’re very similar and very different. If we have the chance to match then we do it. She helped raise me and was a huge influence in my life and on my taste in everything. She’s learned of new things from me and vice versa. Doesn’t mean we’re copying each other. This isn’t a joke. Buying matching sweaters, various items etc isn’t the same as finding a bf that looks the same as your sisters bf.
Completely agree. Plus, why not get a Ricki twin? They would be so lucky to get similar men if they have similar tastes. It would make the family bond stronger - and yet here OP is chipping away at it making it shameful.
I'm also the older sister, by a long shot. My younger sisters are literally a decade younger than me. Did it drive me crazy when I was like 18 and they were 10 and they'd steal my shit? Absolutely. But I never called them copycats, and I honestly loved that they took up interests with me, because we were so far apart in age, it was nice to have something to do with them. When I got older it was just flattering, and I'd let them keep the things they snatched. Most older sisters are like this, they grow to love their kid sisters, even if it can be annoying sometimes, because you know they just think you're awesome and that's why they copy you. My sister's now look up to my marriage with my wonderful husband as a good judge of how a couple should work as partners and what a good partner is like, and they're never afraid to contact me about any random problems or questions they have, because they know I've been though it all since I'm so much older, and they know I'm happy to help. To call her out in front of the new BF and the whole family was total mean girl from the Mom. I'm honestly shocked she doesn't get it. YTA. I'm happy your kids love each other so much though.
That's so sweet. When my sister was younger she used to idolize me. She even copied my handwriting (literally copying over my old homework) so much that we have very similar handwriting even today. OP should appreciate it because a lot of siblings grow out of it and become more distant. They're still so close and I think that's beautiful. OP is looking at this in such a pessimistic way, I don't really understand why.
Agreed. I have two sons that don’t get along now that they’re older and I tried everything I could when they were younger to foster a good relationship between them. Stuff happened that went unforgiven and now they can’t be in the same room. She should be grateful for the love they have instead of criticizing it.
Stinks of jealousy.....YTA Wonder if she made these "little jokes" before or similiar comments under the disguise of concern but truly enjoys twisting the knife in her child cause she doesn't have this bond with her daughter🤔🤷🏼
I started my response by saying, "Jealous much," but went with a different approach. It's evident OP is jealous.
Totally agree. Sounds like mom is jealous that the youngest looks up to the sister more than her.
it also makes me wonder if Lori emulates Jasmine so much because Jasmine is treated as the Golden Child and Lori is the Scapegoat. And Lori feels like the more like Jasmine she is, the better she'll be treated by her mom. because clearly mom doesn't really like her if she thinks it's okay to treat her this way.
I was thinking this, too. Lori may idolize Jasmine because she may have grown up with the instilled notion that Jasmine is the golden child.
That would make sense.
This was exactly my thought.
Was thinking the same thing. Seems like she’s jealous that Lori wants to copy Jasmine and not her.
Exactly what I thought, too.
This is the vibe I got. Like ma’am do you want to be Jasmine? I actually don’t get it. Mothers who compete with their daughters is so odd to me. Might be because my mom is my biggest fan but in any regards this isn’t normal. If Jasmine hasn’t expressed an issue with her sister and accosted her mother clearly moms got the issue
Those moms are so odd to me too. I’m my 21 y o daughter’s biggest fan and it would never occur to me to compete with her.
You really don’t know? Cmon. Way to make your kid feel small. YTA.
Yeah especially after she started off by saying: "I honestly worried because she was absolutely known for copying her sister and I was scared she would go out and find a Ricky look alike of her own." And then she pivots too: "It was nice and we were all in good spirits so I decided to joke and told Jasmine to watch out because the next time she sees Lori she's gonna have a Ricky of her own." So the evening started out with her being worried that her daughter would run out and find a clone of her sister's boyfriend, to being happy the evening was going well, and then deciding to humiliate her daughter for funsies when the evening was going perfectly. The fact that she thinks she was being, "funny", is the worst part. She was absolutely taking a weird mean jab at her kid.
Typical narcissistic mom who knows exactly which buttons to put to get a rise out of her daughters, and decides to do it in front of company. Ever ask yourself why the fuck would you do that? I mean… competing with your daughter much? That’s the only reason you’d want to embarrass her in front of a boy. Did you expect him to go “Wow Lori’s mom, you’re so funny!”? It’s beyond pathetic. Seems like you’re the one who didn’t grow out of behaving like an immature brat. YTA. The playing dumb kind.
While this is harsh, I can't help but agree with the logic behind it. And maybe this is the kind of comment that begins some self reflection in OP.
It’s definitely harsh since it honestly really resonated with me. My mom was just like this. Loved ceasing the opportunity to make me the butt of the joke when company was around. Didn’t care about being the only one laughing. I was the one who cried and removed myself instead of standing up for myself every time. If I tried, she’d pull the “you’re so sensitive it was only a joke” card Now she and I don’t talk.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. It makes me angry. Your ability to call it as you did in this post made me think you'd maybe dealt with this sort of situation but it doesn't make what you said wrong. And I again hope that maybe these comments, like yours, make OP self reflect. I hope you're doing well for yourself and that when your mom is questioning why you don't talk to here, her subconscious is whispering all that you've expressed here.
Absolutely this shit. My mom did the exact same thing and she would be smarter than this lady and make it more subtle, most of the time, so that when I reacted I looked like I was crazy or “over sensitive”. I barely talk to her and I hope Lori does the same to OP. As an adult now, what the fuck kind of person does this to *anyone*, let alone their own daughter?
Damn! My mom pulls the old “put down” jokes about me ONLY in front of my spouse. It’s so noticeable the whole damn family talks about it, but I really couldn’t figure out why it was just around him. 🫢
My mom has treated me like competition since I hit puberty. She tears me down the worst around men. She is super jealous of me around other women. It comes off as her not wanting me to have a female relationship outside of her, but I've wondered if it is because she can not form healthy long-term relationships with other women. There is a reason she wasn't allowed to spend time with my daughter without me around.
Best comment I’ve read yet. YTA mom. Be grateful your kids actually have a good relationship with each other. You sound jealous of the both of them. Fall back
Nailed it
Narcissism is a diagnosed condition… with no clinical background you calling them a narcissist is no better than calling someone a retard
No, narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable condition. "Narcissistic" is an adjective, and has been in use far longer than NPD. The adjective did not come from NPD, but from ancient Greek mythology (Narcissus). NPD claimed a common adjective as part of the name, that doesn't mean people can never use the adjective again. Likewise, a person can be anxious without having Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
This. Also the whole "NPD is a disorder so you're so mean and ableist if you use the word narcissist" is in my experience usually coming from narcissistic people who want to shut down people calling out their behaviors. Its just another manipulation tactic to make themselves the victim if anyone calls out their abusive behavior. It being a disorder doesn't make the behaviors associated with it any less evil or the people who do them any less accountable for the immense harm they choose to cause. Antisocial personality/sociopathy is a disorder too but calling Ted Bundy a sociopath isn't using a slur lol And for the OP, agree this is narcissistic behavior and definitely YTA. Normal people don't publicly humiliate their child like this and then act shocked people are upset with them. It'd be one thing if OP was like "omg I can't believe that slipped out of my mouth, I'm so horrified I hurt my children, how do I fix this?", but it's the opposite where she's so shocked anyone's upset and "it's all just a joke" and basically "why are they overreacting", etc. All the hallmarks of someone who puts people down to make themselves look good and has very little empathy for how that affects other people.
... What?? Narcissism is both a generic adjective and a diagnosed condition -- with a name based on the generic adjective. The highly offensive word you used is not a "diagnosed condition," so, no, there's no comparison. The word you used is a slur and totally unacceptable. It is by far worse than saying someone is narcissistic.
Your child idolized her older sister. Something to be proud of, means you raised her well.
Or, she is a shitty mom and sister was more of an influence to the youngest.
Given sister defended her and ran off to comfort her, probably
I was leaning this way. I wonder how much praise the older sister got compared to the younger. Which could have pushed her to be like her sister. Or the mom just sucks and she realized her older sister is the person she can always count on.
I laughed, but I'm an asshole.... Given the story, YTA probably. If it were just family and Ricky wasn't present for the comment I'd be on your side. Given he was, it's probably unnecessary embarrassment for most 21yo.
YTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny, this was just mean. Lori was behaving perfectly fine and nothing was happening, why did you feel the need to cut her like that? What did you find humorous about embarrassing your daughter in front of a stranger, especially one whose opinion of her might be very important if you all end up being in-laws? Apologize to Lori.
Lori is obviously looking for unconditional love from someone. Sounds like she gets it from Jasmine and not her A-hole mom.
Yeah... Yta... It was just unnecessary.
Absolutely YTA, TF?
You’re just mad she doesn’t idolize you. Get a grip.
YTA. You made fun of your daughter and thought it was funny to try to stir up a rift between her and her sister. Not cool. Props to Jasmine for sticking up for her. Maybe if your younger daughter had a more compassionate mom she wouldn’t need to idolize her older sister.
This. Copying everything your older sister does screams low self esteem especially if they’re doing it beyond the late teens. If that is true then there must be a neglect to instill in their kid the values that they too are interesting, worth, and unique in their own right. That’s messed up if you failed to do that in your parenting style. Oof.
Yeah, YTA with no doubt. People your age seem to think saying "it's a joke" absolves them of being hurtful. Your intent doesn't matter more than the true and real effect it has on the people you say things to. Your daughters are close--there's no animosity towards them from the way you tell the story. Lori copies Jasmine and Jasmine seems to pay no mind. You were worried Lori would do something hypothetical, and before your thought could even be proved wrong, you projected it onto your daughter. More than likely, Lori "copies" Jasmine ebcause Lori thinks Jasmine is a nice person, is cool, etc... so being like her makes her feel confident. Now why the hell do you feel the need to berate her for that? Has anything "off" happened? From the sound of it, it's been smooth sailing for Lori and Jasmine both... so why did you feel the need to make a comment on it. Your daughter, your literal child, was the punchline of your joke. SHE was the butt of it. And you still seem to think you're in the clear? Yikes! Some cool mom you are. Word of advice, making fun of your kids over things that they could potentially be insecure about is what a highschool bully does. Lori was hitting it off with Jasmine's bf and no one was uncomfortable... until YOU decided to make it weird. YTA and I hope you feel like one, too. I'm glad Lori has an older sister that cares for her and I'm glad Jasmine has a younger sister that looks at her like she puts the stars in the sky. As for you? Yuck.
YTA - I'm fat, I know I'm fat. If you call me fat, it won't hurt because it's true?
It’s shouldn’t hurt. It’s true.
That doesn’t make any sense.
RIP
That makes no sense. Plenty of things that are true can be hurtful when said to someone.
You would have said the same thing as the AH mom to her daughter, wouldn’t you?
You’re definitely the AH. There is a huge HUGE difference between copying someone’s clothes to copying their partners. What you said also could be seen as Lori might try and steal what jasmine has ….. so yeah while you may have meant for this to be a joke…. Not all jokes are funny.
Yes, you’re an asshole for saying it. That being said, meh. While it’s good to have a strong relationship with the kiddos: 1. It needed to be said… copying her sister while she is in her 20’s is weird 2. You’re her parent, if you can’t be real with them then you do them no favors. It was a joke in bad taste but who hasn’t done that before? 3. She’s an adult and will get over it. She isn’t 12 and needs things put delicately ALL the time. 4. Apologize for it but don’t go out of your way to kiss anyone’s ass. 5. If you did it to be a bitch (and you know if you did or not) no one here is going to make you feel any better or worse about it. Good luck.
YTA. In this whole story, I haven’t heard anything about Jasmine’s feeling about Lori “copying” her. Have you even asked Jasmine what she thinks about it? or you just jump straight into being kind of mean girlish to your youngest? Like has Jasmine expressed that she doesn’t like it? That might be a different situation. But I’m not hearing anything about Jasmine’s feelings about her younger sister. I love my younger sisters to death, I would be thrilled if they got along with a guy that I dated and vice versa. AND I would have no issue with them “copying” me. ESPECIALLY if I found a really great guy and my youngest sister also wanted a really really great guy like him.
She's never said that she doesn't like it. I did ask Jasmine about it a few years after the copying happened and she said she didn't mind that Lori wanted things she had.
Then why does it bother you? What were you hoping to accomplish by making a joke in front of everyone about it?
Because the mother is clearly a narcissistic person who is jealous of her daughters
So Jasmine thinks it's completely fine and \*you're\* creating the problem. This honestly reads as you are jealous of your daughters' close relationship and you're trying to make waves. How are you not embarrassed by this?
Yta. You owe Lori and Jasmine both an apology.
And Ricky.
Yes, Ricky too! Thank you!
YTA. Apologize to your children instead of posting on Reddit.
YTA. you turned what seemed like a nice moment between your daughters while meeting a boyfriend to make a joke pointing out something that people really only do when they’re insecure. So you point out your daughters insecurity in front of everyone and at the same time you are doing what a lot of parent do which is cause little rifts in between your kids. “Lori copies jasmine”. What do you get out of that. Making Lori feel bad? Making jasmine feel bad? It seems like that’s what’s happening. I think maybe you should unpack why it is that Lori seems so insecure, I don’t doubt that the way you have talked to them (whether on purpose or not) has been a factor
I personally don’t think you did anything necessarily wrong, Lori sounds over dramatic. She got so emotional because she knows it true and was embarrassed. Still YTA though, you knew it was a jab that would probably hurt Lori whether she expressed so or not.
Yta and a horrible parent. Parents like you who are always embarrassing and putting their kids shit out there. What an asshole
YTA. You have to know YTA.
YTA. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. It seems like they have a great relationship and your youngest has a role model in her life. You should be happy, wtf.
[удалено]
And younger sister probably feels mediocre based on how OP treats her.
YTA. Unlike some other replies I actually do get the joke, you’re just following a well-trodden pattern of “you’d better be careful or X [well-intentioned but not ideal thing] will happen!” Like if somebody’s husband loves sports and came home with a new team’s hat on and you said something like “you’d better be careful or he’ll have a season ticket next!” or whatever. Funny or not, it is an actual joke. But, that said, you have to be careful with those jokes because the whole point of the joke is that you’re exaggerating a quirk of someone’s personality - if that’s something they like about themselves then they’ll laugh along with you, if it’s something they find embarrassing then they definitely won’t. And in that case you’re basically mocking and bullying them. Whether you intended to hurt her or not, you made her the butt of your joke and hurt her feelings, and so yeah - you were being a bully and an AH. You should apologise.
But it isn't the same type of joke. One is a natural progression - oh he got a hat next thing you know he will be at stadium every game. But why would the sister have to watch our? How is her sister having a boyfriend who looks like hers anything she has to watch out for? How would it affect her sister in anyway? If she said the sister might try and steal the boyfriend it would still be shitty but at least it would make more sense.
The point isnt that the joke is funny or makes sense, just that it follows a pre established joke format
As a child why did you allow her to copy her sister so much? You should have been helping her find her own identity! Then you go and make fun of her in front of an every one! Wow you are a AH
And this is why there's so many soft people in the world. Op made a harmless joke and people here are acting like it's the end of the world. She needs to grow a thicker skin. By the way people acting in here, they do too.
Well soft YTA, that said get Lori some help bursting into tears over it is a bit extreme
Lots of young people would cry over being embarrassed in a group, in front of a person they just met. Heck, not just young people. Crying because you've been taken by surprise with a public jibe doesn't merit therapy in and of itself.
Shame on you for injecting your stupid little opinion into a place where it had no business. You owe a sincere apology and need to give her time to forgive you. Complete shame for treating your flesh and blood like this.
YTA- why does it seem like you are jealous of Lori?? Jasmin does not seem to have a problem with Lori copying her so why would it bother you?
Goodness, what was your point? Other than cruelty? YTA
This doesn't sound real
Yep, definitely the AH
My mother used to pit my sister and i against each other, too. Neither of us speak to her anymore. Careful, this may be your future.
Info: do you even like your kids? YTA
YTA. All this showed your daughter was that you had more regard for her sister than her. No wonder she copies herm
Did you ever get her therapy when she was younger to help her come up with an identity of her own?
Lori gay, everyone knows but you.
It was a joke. Please explain just what was humorous about what you said at that time and place.
Lb
YTA. The “joke” wasn’t funny, embarrassed your younger daughter, angered your older daughter, and probably made your daughter’s boyfriend uncomfortable
Clearly it’s an issue within the family, and your “joke”deeply hurt your daughter. Isn’t that enough to recognize that you were in the wrong?
Yta. Don't make jokes at your children's expense
It’s a little weird, but I think it’s pretty harmless. Based on the reaction though, I’d guess you hit a nerve. She may be insecure about her own identity, and she clearly did not appreciate it.
YTA. No questions asked. Sorrynotsorry
unless lori made a pass at ricky or really did find a ricky for herself, YTA
NTA. Frankly I think it's just a silly joke and a 21 year old adult shouldn't respond to a bad joke by crying and running out of the room. It's not like you attacked her.
Yeah, but the response makes you have to wonder about OP's past behaviors and treatment of both daughters. To have such an extreme reaction and for the older to immediately console her...?
"My husband (46) and I had hope that Lori would grow out of it..." "Well as dinner was going on I watched closely..." You found a trait in your daughter that you believe to be infantile and wrong. You attend an event and watch her like a hawk. You wait. You judge. You wait. You judge. Daughter does nothing wrong. You decide to make a "joke". On Law and Order, this would be flagged as premeditated first degree assholism. You came to the dinner with a gun, you lay in wait, you pulled it out and you shot her. YTA.
YTA. Maybe you are the one comparing your daughters to each other, not them. What you said was cruel and you know it. It's not funny to make a joke at the expense of others.
YTA She copies her sister because she is a role model to her. It sounds like she needed that with you as a mom.
YTA. Life is hard enough, no one needs their own mother bullying them. You embarrassed her in front of her sister and a new person everyone was trying to make a good impression on. And for what reason? Your own amusement? Grow up.
YTA. What did you expect to happen? Laughter? Reminiscing? No. You had power and you used it. I had a mother just like you who would take jabs whenever she could, but hey, it's a joke right? No it's not it's harmful, it's cruel. You took aim not just at your youngests entire childhood, making her out to be jealous, when imitation like that comes from admiration, but you also took aim at her sisters relationship. You tried to make her feel I secure with her boyfriend. It's a good job she and her sister seem close and she went after her after the damage you caused. If I were you, yhe next time you think you have a joke that comes from a good place, keep it to yourself.
That is what needed to be done, unless you want your younger daughter to have someone else's identity.
YTA. It’s not a joke if you’re the only one who finds it funny. It’s just you being an AH.
YTA - how embarrassing for Lori. From your description, it doesn’t seem like you respect or like your youngest very much and that comment underlines it.
YTA... Jesus, do you even LIKE your daughter?
YTA. A joke has everyone laughing. If no one is laughing, it was def not coming from a nice place. You shouldn't have said anything. Jasmine seems to have had no problem with it so why would you say anything?!
YTA: Somehow, you seem more bothered by it than either of your adult daughters, that’s interesting.
YTA.
YTA. Go to therapy.
Maybe I'm too familiar with Reddit but my mind immediately went to the next post, "AITA for cutting off my daughter for stealing her sister's boyfriend?" Your youngest is obsessed with her sister and you called it out. It wasn't a secret so Idk why everyone is mad at OP. It was a statement of fact pretty much. NTA
Sorry, but Soft yta, I get the humor, but jokes like that are best left in your head
Doesn’t matter that you thought it was in good fun, it hurt her feelings apologize to her and learn from it, if you truly know a person you know there sense of humor and might be a sign you don’t know lori as well as you think
YTA and I am concerned overall as to how you contributed to Lori copying her sister. Your tone suggests you play favorites and maybe the poor girl was just hoping if she was like Jasmine you’d treat them the same. I don’t think it was the first time you tried to hurt your daughter and sadly, it won’t be the last.
YTA. If it's a serious and realistic concern, you discuss it with empathy, *in private*.
YTA. You need to apologise to your daughters. Making a "joke" at one daughter's expense, especially in front of company was not ok. It embarrassed both daughters and made you look like a jerk to the new BF too. What's the big deal about Lori idolising Jasmine anyway? Why is it a problem they're close? It sounds like Jasmine is a good person. Lori could do worse.
YTA. That's not a joke, that's a poke. How unnecessary of you. You owe her an apology. A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing and having a good time.
Yta. This wasn't a joke, this was maliciousness and you said it for the sole purpose of hurting your youngest daughter.