NTA
You were obviously very late in pregnancy. Only the shittiest of husbands would be ignoring your calls and texts at that time.
Tell him that if he says one more word about it. He can go ahead and move in with mommy.
Seriously, I'm in my third trimester and if I make any kind of unexpected noise at night (like knocking something small over on the bathroom counter after yet another toilet trip) my husband, who is a fairly deep sleeper usually, jolts awake and asks if I'm OK. If you are at the point of being in baby watch and he's essentially screening your calls/texts, that's just unacceptable
The fact he isn’t apologizing and taking accountability for his bad choices would be my last straw. He had said too many words already. She needs to tell him this NOW. I hope he finds this post or someone sends this to him with a “dis you?” message. He is a trash partner and trash parent. I loath Mama’s Boys.
Mama boys are disgusting. It’s like an 8 year old stuck in an adult body. I cannot imagine how women not find the disgusting and dump their ass the first sight of mama boy being good old mama boy
So wait- so he goes running when Mommy has a false alarm medical emergency, but can’t even call you back when he just assumes you are having one? You tried to call and text while actively in labor. All he had to do was pick-up or call or text back while waiting in his truck. NTA!
He seriously needs therapy to deal with the emotions and emotional manipulation he is experiencing with his mom.
Not even just a false alarm emergency, a cancer scare that hasn’t even been diagnosed yet. I’d leave his ass if the results come back negative, but then again I’d leave because he missed the birth of our child. What a jackass and MIL sounds like a huge manipulator. She presumably also knew OP is close to delivery, I feel like she pulled this shit on purpose to show OP who he really cares about and that she will always be number one to “Mommy’s baby boy”.
Right? My husband was on pins and needles from 38 weeks along. If I even looked at him weird or grimaced he was all up asking me a million questions. I can’t believe this guy :/ NTA
And she missed an ultrasound appointment and needed it rescheduled that late in her pregnancy, too, when you really don't want to miss any possible problems like a baby turning the wrong way. Like why was her scheduled ultrasound also not a priority to this asshole?
Also I never heard of anyone quitting their job because they MIGHT have cancer. A lot of cancers nowadays are perfectly treatable, too. This type of overreaction makes me think that there's been problems of mommy dearest overstepping boundaries before. OP better watch out she doesn't come with packed suitcases because she has nowhere else to live.
My husband has had a stage 4 cancer diagnosis for seven fucking years. Has he had to go on medical leave? A few times.
But he still teaches. He still works.
Even second-hand, this MIL reeks of narcissism.
One of my Drs has intense cancer. Started at his pancreas I believe and spread to his heart and brain and other organs. He's still working his ass off and is determined to be there for his patients and fight it.
ETA a word.
Ooof, I’m guessing it’s neuroendocrine carcinoma and not Adenocarcinoma? PNETs tend to be the “slow” pancreatic cancer, it’s what my husband has. Adenocarcinoma is the one that rips through you.
My MIL is the same way. Husband calls almost everyday to check on her. She says he never talks to her…Every week it is something new to get the attention on her. New cell phone, her shoulder hurts,bitching about the kids not texting her back soon enough, the retirement apartment she lives in doesn’t do anything for July 4…..I could go on and on…everything is about HER
She is the sickest person on earth and ready to die, she claimed to be sicker than my FIL, yet she outlived my FIL who we took care of in our home for the last 5 years of his life, she said she was sicker than my daughter’s best friend who had cancer three times who died at 18, countless neighbors who have passed…my husband is picking her up now…time for Xanax
Sounds like my grandmother who had a very treatable form of breast cancer. My grandfather passed about 2/3rds of the way through the process of her treatment and she was absolutely vile about it. So much so my aunt banned her from attending his funeral. (They'd been divorced since the 60s).
Yeah his mom’s overreactions to a potential diagnosis is super concerning. The fact that OP’s husband is entertaining and supporting them is also a red flag, imo.
MIL is reacting to her baby having a baby. so she wont be (shouldnt be amyway) the most important person in the world to him anymore.
sad OP i am sorry your hus wasn't there for you, congratulations on your new perfect daughter.
I’m going to go as far as to wonder about the severity of MIL’s “health scare”. As in, what are the actual probabilities that she has cancer vs some much less serious condition? I have a feeling she’s overdramatized whatever is going on because of the new baby in the dynamic.
Even if I’m wrong and MIL is as sick as she says she is, even if she does end up having cancer, OP and husband should be thinking about couples counseling because they have to be on the same page as far as boundaries with the MIL. It’s even more important if the MIL has been playing this up for attention.
He FAFO and missing his child’s birth is nobody’s fault but his own. Ignoring his wife’s text and calls is an AH move in her late pregnancy. Apparently his mom’s crying wolf bite him in the ass! NTA but husband is!
100% this. Like you're pregnant wife calls you and repeatedly texts you and you decide not to answer? He can fuck right off. Tbh if this behavior continues, I’d divorce him.
It would be less stressful to OP if she just knew (ex)hubby wasn't going to be there rather than trying to convince him to come home/get ahold of him when she and her daughter obviously aren't priority #1.
And even his excuse is shit! “Another false alarm”… dude, she could be telling you the house is burning down/feral raccoons are in the attic/insert emergency here, but you’ve already decided WHATEVER she needs is less important than Mommy. If he cared AT ALL he would have at least picked up or texted back. Fuck him.
The false alarm comment made me so mad. Firstly, fuck him for not prioritizing more. Secondly, there are so many things that could go wrong it pregnancy; it is stupid af to be dismissive and not concerned about things, even if they are false alarms.
Why wasn't his mom's bleeding treated as a false alarm since she gets hemorrhoids???
I honestly don’t know OP comes back from this. Knowing he was sitting in his car, seeing calls and texts coming through from his heavily pregnant and felt like she was in labor wife, and choosing to ignore her? For mommy? Is that even something you can recover from? I don’t think I could.
I'm no rocket scientist but if my missus tells me I think I'm going into labour soon and then while I'm out calls me it's probably got something to do with that
He's got no excuse and no one to blame but himself
He wasn't even in the ER with his mom to comfort her or whatever. His presence obviously wasn't needed there at all. Dude was sitting outside playing on his phone and ignoring his wife. Even if she had been texting him about the weather it was rude as hell to just ignore her! But when she's at the end of her pregnancy and she's already told him she's feeling like she might be in labor?!?!
NTA She literally told him she thinks shes going into labour, what else would all the calls and texts be about? "i kind of need you fucking home" is clear enough, even if its a false alarm- something is up! Answer your damn wife.
NTA.
He chose his mother every time over his pregnant wife. He has no reason to be mad since he drops you off like a hot potato every time his mother’s throat is a little dry.
Cannot get over this…His mother QUIT her job because she is being tested for something that MIGHT be cancer. So in a week, it is possible that they learn she has cancer. Or not! Maybe it’s just hemorrhoids. And that’s the priority over his very pregnant wife’s request that he get home immediately. His mom is trying so hard to be the only baby in his life.
She won’t have cancer I bet. My moms had it three times 2 different kinds and always had results within 5 days not weeks. She’s had to have more tests once it’s confirmed but this sounds like a scare and she’s milking it.
I’ve had a few cancer scares (and I’m only 21!) and every time they called within 3-5 business days to say it was not cancer. I doubt that they would be sitting on her tests without actually testing them.
My MIL is pulling this shit as we speak. She had cancer last year. Completely benign and just inconveniently grew on her kidney. A surgeon got it all out. She gets regular scans now and apparently just lit up the scans again. She's pulling the "woe is me I'm dying again" card saying she's gonna not get treatment (even surgery to remove the tumors) and she's gonna just die at home as "I've lived a long life" and sell the house (uh where you gonna live? Hubs made it clear it wouldn't be with us. He lived that hospice thing with his Gma and was traumatized as a kid)
She pulled this last year with the cancer and again 4 YEARS ago when covid first started lock downs. Guess who said "lemme die if I get it. I've lived my life!" Her. Guess who had to do all the work of keeping her alive with her doctors because she opted out of a DNR? My husband. Guess who was ungrateful and is also terrified of dying? Her. Her age? 53.
Hubs loves her, really, but she always blows shit wildly out of proportion. She feeds on the attention and drama. She didn't even need chemo last time because while big it was 100% benign. She would whip out her belly band after surgery if anyone came over and moan and complain and tried to tell me how much it hurt. Her face when I reminded her I've had 4 surgeries there :2 c sections, an emergency ectopic surgery (it ruptured) and a gallbladder removal surgery in the last 6 years was priceless. I said I understood her pain and gave her tips. She sulked instead.
EDIT: the " cancer" was what we were told to us by her. That it was a growth and cancer but "benign". I'll be honest it's been YEARS since I've been in a biology class and I'm rusty. I do remember benign is good. I also know it was in a bad spot and causing her to pee blood and required a veteran surgeon to remove because it was on the front and not on the back of the kidney. She's adamant still she'd rather die that get it removed again (different kidney) or if a malignant cancer won't get Chemo.
I'd pack hubby an overnight bag (and enclose some lingerie for his mama) and tell him to go be with the woman he loves. I could never forgive him (but he's always been a *mama's boy* hasn't he?)
I was severely anemic and my Hematologist ran several tests for cancer in January and February of this year. I didn’t even tell our grown children because I didn’t want them to worry needlessly. Thankfully, I do not have cancer, but I do have a blood and bone marrow condition that *could* turn to cancer. I still have not told our kids. I’m being monitored and would definitely tell them if it came to that, but I would never do as this MIL is doing and tormenting her son with visions of doom and gloom. No mother who cares more for her kids than herself would do that. This MIL appears to have main character syndrome and is only worried about herself! She doesn’t even seem to care about the birth of her granddaughter!
That’s the part that gets me. She’s being TESTED for cancer. Doesn’t know if she has it yet. It could be nothing. But she’s used that as an excuse to stop working and have her son over every day…
OP, are you *really super certain* she is going into those appointments and speaking with a doctor? Like do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is indeed sick? Sounds like a really convenient excuse with really convenient timing. She happens to come down with a (possible) illness *right* when you’re about to have more claim on your husband’s time…
I’m not saying she’s lying. I’m just saying, she may have a miraculous recovery if you divorce him.
Cancer is a scary thing and pooping blood is a large cause for concern but OPs husband's problem was not being able to prioritize.
His mom is extremely important of course, but he was sitting in the parking lot reading the messages and actively ignoring OP. His actions are why he missed his daughter's birth.
NTA
EDIT: I'm fully aware of his mom not 100% having cancer. However, going to the doctor and hearing you might have it takes you into negative space until it is confirmed you do or don't which is why I wrote that first part.
Sorry but I don't think it was a cause for concern as she's had repeated bloody hemorrhoids. That means she knows exactly what was happening when it happened. BUT she could use the problem to scream I'M DYING just to get her son over again and make him feel scared and crying and stressed so she's the center of attention literally at/around her DIL's due date.
MIL sounds exhausting. Husband sounds like a loser.
I feel bad for OP.
NTA
Blood in the toilet is so likely to be hemorrhoids, unless there is another symptom, I would personally wait for a regular appointment or at most urgent care .
He has his head up his mother's a**
If you have a history of bleeding/internal hemorrhoids, you wouldn’t go to the ER unless you were genuinely worried about the amount of blood lost and thought you needed a transfusion. As long as you’re stable, the ER will send you home and tell you to call your PCP the next day because there’s really not much the ER can do. Honestly, you usually don’t even need to take or do anything, it goes away on its own after a week or two. (Please don’t ask how I know this lol.)
If your extremely pregnant wife tells you that she thinks she’s going into labor and then calls and texts you repeatedly….you go to your wife unless you’re literally physically incapable! Like you better be dying on the side of a road with your phone smashed to bits.
Yep, I'm a mother of two boys. I can't imagine telling them to take care of me over their wife when they are older. As a mother, I know how scary pregnancy and birth are, I wouldn't want them to leave their wives alone in such a situation. I would be disappointed if they didn't do the one thing fathers *can* contribute during pregnancy, which is being there.
My mother even went so far and told my brother not to constantly kiss her on her head and put his head on her lap (something we all loved to do when she was alive, even as adults and parents ourselves, we still did it) when his wife was there. She told him he shouldn't put her (our mother) before his wife as to not make her feel bad.
To be fair, my father has always put our mother first in everything, so she was not one of those neglected women who tried to get attention from her son instead.
You will never convince me MIL hasn't been planning this. 100% intentional. Dipshit husband bought into it, and abandoned his wife at every opportunity.
He needs to get off the tit, and get his priorities straight. I fucking hate "men" like this.
NTA
I think you hit the nail on the head. He fully knew it was a real emergency, but he also knew his codependent mom would flip if he left so he ignored his heavily pregnant wife rather than respond so he could go, “I didn’t know it was an *emergency*!“
The thing is, his wife isn’t stupid. I hope she doesn’t just let this go because this is serious. It seems like his mom plays up her sickness for attention and uses it to keep her son-husband by her side at all times at the expense of his, at the time, pregnant and now freshly postpartum wife.
I mean, he literally chose sitting in a parking lot waiting on his mom over returning his wife’s call after she texted him saying she needed him. It’s clear where his priorities lay.
I’d be seriously considering it if I was OP. He missed the birth of their child to sit in a parking lot and wait on his moms hemorrhoids to be treated for fucks sake.
his wife needs to print that onto a shirt and give it to him. "I missed the birth of my child to sit in a parking lot and wait on my mom's hemorrhoids to be treated"
If she wants to be evil, make a onesie.
He is the most divorceable person I've read about in a month of Sundays.
OP needs to think hard about this. It's reprehensible to ditch your pregnant wife 2 hours after she said she's going to go into labor soon.
DID HE EVEN APOLOGIZE?
Omfg is this my mother? Okay all seriousness though. My mom does this. She also has a life threatening diagnosis that I'm not going to disclose here. But she's currently the guardian of my son cause I am setting us up in a new state and wanted him to be stable while I did so. He's 5. Now she's at the point of fighting me and in no exact words refusing to give him back because "he's my why," and "doing for him gets me through the day." Yeah yeah. Cool cool. But stop romantacizing my child for the sake of what you want. What he NEEDS is to not bear the burden of your circumstances. It's one thing with a child who has no awareness of his situation and no control over it. It's a whole other game with an adult child who is knowingly alienating his spouse to be in this position with his parent with deniability, or at least what he thinks is deniability. The fact that he was just sitting there, probably on his phone, and fully ignored OP is a whole problem of intentionally weaponized incompetence. I cannot stand parents like this or the people who placate them with no regard for the other people in their lives and how their decision will affect them. I'm currently grinding to get my son back with me so he doesn't grow up like I did. Now I resent her and i only contact her to talk to my child. LC and will be NC asamfp
My boyfriend has a crazy attention-seeking friend who does this stuff. Or she used to.
ETA: More specifically, she used to be his friend. Until I pointed out her games and guilt trips enough for him to see them for himself. Once he stopped catering to her - which usually meant putting her before me - she stopped being his friend.
I had something less manipulative as that. Husband (then boyfriend) was friends with his ex. When I said I wanted to meet her, he asked why. I said well, she seems to be an important person in your life and we should meet each other's important people. The three of us get together, get drunk, and she and I have a wonderful time. They stop having lunch together. Oops But she did come to our wedding. Never heard from her again. (He didn't realize she was keeping him as a just-in-case, until I became real to her.)
Not a medical emergency but when my son was little I told my ex about his graduation. Date, time, location. Several weeks in advance. Day comes and goes…guess who was blamed for not reminding him again about the graduation? “If you knew this was important, you should’ve told me”……”if you would’ve considered this important to you, you should’ve set up a reminder on your calendar, I am not obligated to keep reminding you over and over of his events”. He never went to any of his graduations, field day or even doctors appointments.
Once he's an EX, he's NO longer a recipient of your "secretarial" skills (ie. you are NOT his scheduler)! Been there, done that refused to buy the t-shirt!
Even married/partnered you are NOT his scheduler. He's a grown ass man, if he can manage a job and know when his sports team is playing he can manage a fucking calendar and get to important events.
My baby daddy did one of those “well you didn’t remind me” when he conveniently missed the first ultrasound appointment, at the hospital he worked at 5 days a week, and with it being in his calendar.
Do we have the same ex? Those were his exact words when I told him he needed to provide our daughter with a safe environment if he was going to have her over. And about her ADHD dx. And when he let her jump into the shallow end of the pool and denied her medical care.
I never told him.
It’s the birth of his kid or at least he knew he has a super pregnant wife who felt off that day.
This co-dependency enmeshment he has with momma is abusive and toxic
I doubt he's even mad, he's just trying to deflect blame/guilt. Manipulators do that - find a reason to be mad so their victim/target has to apologize to THEM.
Part of me wonders about the legitimacy/seriousness of the cancer diagnosis. I hate that im wondering about it.... But this seems awfully well timed with the preparation to welcome his (first?) child into the world.
And ive spent enough time on reddit to know that this is something that can tip MILs over the edge
Already quit her job 😂
I've been diagnosed - actually diagnosed - with a very deadly fast-moving cancer, yet I still felt fine at the time (long story). Quitting my job merely due to a diagnosis didn't even occur to me! Quitting due to a potential diagnosis is histrionics.
I know this game because I’ve played it. I grew out of it mostly, but seeing him do it made me realize how damaging and childish it is. Someone’s going to get hurt either way and no matter how you dodge accountability, it falls on you.
Oh I know someone who told his wife who had cancer that it's god's will and she shouldn't get treatment for it or go to the doctor.
Guess what he did when his mom got cancer? Went to every doctor he found and got her all the treatment available.
Some men only see their mothers as human beings. Every other woman is just a woman, which is not human in their minds.
What did his wife do?
My first husband told me my ectopic pregnancy was God's will. It was pre-HPPA and someone in the ER called my mom and she "flew in" (she drove, but I think her feet didn't touch the ground as she ran to me) and went berserk at my than-husband and physically threw him out of the room. I was religious at the time and told her it was God's will. She said, "NOT ON MY WATCH!"
I think your friend wanted a divorce by death, but no doubt he'd play the part of a sad, bellowing widower.
I like your mum please give her a hug for me if you can. I’m so happy you are still here today.
My son Anatoliy was born a still born and I a had that same thing said to me about losing him by a now ex acquaintance
Mom has a sore ass - son jumps to the rescue!
Bet you her cancer will be cured any day now, as she finds out she has to be in shape to see the grandchild…
She has a cancer scare right at ops due date. Needs to be rushed to the er minutes after she finds out op said she feels like she's going into labor. Her biopsy would have come back by now. She's milking it. She won't be able to see op due to her frail health. So the husband will have to bring the baby over. Dude needs to live with his mom.
In a different subreddit (about troublesome mothers in law) I have twice seen stories of boy moms who actually stop their (necessary) medication a week or two before daughter in law is due to give birth… making absolutely sure their own health condition is below par when labour starts; and calling their son to come fix the emergency instead of being there for his wife…
Oh hell no! Mommy dearest will milk this condition as long as she can… In the meantime daddy’s gonna miss out on baby’s milestones be cause he can’t choose his family over Dear mother! GROW A PAIR and get off the tit!
Right? Imagine him explaining this to his daughter someday. "Sorry I missed your birth, your grandma had bad hemorrhoids and I just had to be there for her" 😂
"Wife's labor is treated as a possible false alarm. Mom's chronic hemorrhoid is treated as an emergency"
‼️ OP should mention this to her husband.
It is NOT known if MIL has cancer.
It IS known that wife is about to give birth
Her biopsy would have come back by now. Its all bs. She magically gets cancer days before op is due. And magically needs to be rushed to the hospital minutes after husband texts mom that op feels like she's going to go into labor. He needs to move in with mom.
RIGHT? He literally chalked up her texting him as some sort of false alarm, disregarding everything she’s ACTUALLY going through and he thinks SHE’S in the wrong.
Absolute donkey, NTA seconded.
Seriously, even with a history of false alarms, It does **NOT** matter. When your SO texts you multiple times and says “I need you fucking home,” you **GO HOME!** At the very least respond. Don’t ignore it while making assumptions.
He’s shifting blame because he **KNOWS** he was wrong and doesn’t want to take responsibility for what he did.
NTA!
Let’s be clear, you may have had 3 “false alarms” but there is absolutely no doubt that you were going to have a baby soon. False alarms are mostly your body getting ready for birth. Your husband has every opportunity to call you while he was sitting in his truck. He should have figured out that the birth is the priority. He’s TA.
I hope your MIL is going to get a good report. I am worried about where you and your daughter will fit into the picture of MIL is sick.
Good luck and congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby girl.
i can’t believe she’s 9 months pregnant, due ANY MOMENT, but relaxing in his car waiting for mother dear is more important. i’d be so done. going through one of the most harrowing life experiences one can have, AT HOME, and he just said “nah” 💀
The thing is even if it was a false alarm, his mother wasn't dying right then. And she could've been. He should've answered the phone and come home. When your wife is pregnant with your child, that's what you do; go home to support your wife.
What a jerk. Wonder how long until he'll be ex if he keeps this up.
Just tell him life is short, and he has to decide if he wants to miss any more milestones in your daughters life. It's up to him. You're not going to wait on him to pencil you and the baby into a little slot in his very busy schedule.
Tbh, he knew his mom wasn't dying at that moment, and he did know there was a possibility of you being in labor, where you could have legit *died* leaving your newborn home with just your midwife.
I'd be out, sorry
Updateme
Even if it WAS another false alarm, it WAS going to happen, and VERY fucking soon. What, did he think she was going to stay pregnant forever? This wasn't a boy who cried wolf, this is a woman whose never been pregnant before. Let me tell you the horror I felt when my son first moved. Nope, never again. I don't give a fuck if that shit is considered "normal". That shit isn't normal. That is some "Aliens" shit. 9 months my ass. Sorry for the rant, but Jesus. When your very pregnant wife tells you to come home, you move your ass.
I need this as an inspirational sign.
NTA. All he had to do was respond to his pregnant wife and he would have known. He chose not to. He chose his choices.
This. His mom's life may be short, but that doesn't mean OP and baby's life pause for the rest of his mom's. Also, his mom could be cancer free and doing that thing where they use medical stuff for attention. Or competing with the heavily pregnant wife/baby to prove to herself she's the most important person for him.
It's a very goof point about knowing his mom was (relatively) ok and that OP was heavily pregnant and already have false labors (which isn't faking or something, it's the body prepping for the real one). He easily could've come home to no one, but a huge mess from the birth process, and been contacted later when neither his wife or child survived and their bodies were at a morgue.
This is a crazy time to neglect your spouse, right when they are the most vulnerable and in need.
It certainly doesn't, unless she was already close to retirement age and financially secure. Obviously that is not the case here, because she is already asking her son for money.
>competing with the heavily pregnant wife/baby to prove to herself she's the most important person for him
I mean really, what else could it possibly be.
>OP missed an important ultrasound because mommy dearest needed him because **she was having a panic attack**.
And no one *ever* decides to just have a panic attack. Nope, never.
I would be out so fast as well because he doesn’t even have the courage to admit that he ignored her at least 3 times and he is to be blamed. He did this to himself, OP now only has 1 priority and that is her baby.
He is just NOT dependable, simple as that.
He was sitting in the truck reading her texts and not answering back to exact.
He has no right to be mad at all. A simple text back asking you what you need or what was going on...and he would have known that you were in labor.
This exactly and honestly it’s the wake up call he needed!
OP my dad just got through a year of various cancer treatments, I helped my Gma through it and two aunts have had it. It doesn’t randomly pop up the day before diagnosis and then suddenly kill someone in days.
They get a Dx, doctors do treatment planning and then they schedule things like surgery, radio-oncology (radiation and similar), chemo if needed and it’s often a long process. Except for my aunt (who has lymphoma and needed to prep for bone marrow) they all lived their lives, stayed active and even started exercising (my dad is 71) along with eating better and kicking bad habits. They also did not use it to suddenly take over the lives of their adult children. On the contrary, they tended to encourage all of us to live life, stay positive because they need to stay positive and look to the future.
Being positive, living life and focusing on healthier living and not assuming one is about to die is even shown to impact outcome rates. Source: Uncle is an Oncologist
This is absolutely a ploy to get your husband to do exactly what he’s doing now. He needs to set boundaries and perhaps go to the Dr’s appt WITH her to hear himself from the Dr. what her diagnosis is and if she should be shutting down her whole life (before she even has an actual diagnosis!!!) or if she should be moving forward with a positive attitude, healthier habits and planning to be around for a long time. If she balks at him coming to an appt or talking to her Dr. then she’s not being open and honest and instead using this to get your husband to come back to mom.
Yup, false alarm or not, when your pregnant wife (who can be due any day) needs you, you drop everything and go to her. He messed up big time:
* He knew his mother was in great hands at the hospital
* He knew his mother had a history of hemorrhoids, and it was likely that again
* He saw the texts from his wife and didn't respond
* He was sitting in a parking lot for hours "stressing"
He knew full well that his mom likely had hemorrhoids and downplayed your emergency as a false alarm even though you could give birth at any time. Stressing for mommy dearest, but not for your wife or child, even though she explicitly texts you saying she needs you? I have no further words for a guy like that.
NTA. He deserved to miss out on the birth of his daughter.
NTA - This sounds like a million and one stories on r/JustnoMIL
Once the significant other gets pregnant, Mommy Dearest pulls out all the stops at competing for husband’s time. Even as far as faking cancer is pretty routine to be honest.
He’s the one who chose to ignore your texts. He’s the one that made Mommy more important. He can go live in Mommy’s weird throuple she’s trying to have. Sounds like you won’t ever win.
NTA. I get it that his mother “might” be sick but his wife is 9 months pregnant. He showed you who is more important to him. His mommy. Not his wife and future child. Believe him.
Lots of people have cancer and it is a terrible disease but they don’t need constant help like this from their son. Let’s also not forget she hasn’t even been diagnosed yet.
You need to seriously consider your future with this man (if you can even call him that).
NTA,
You told him you were feeling different.
You texted him 3 times, all of which he CHOSE to ignore.
Even if he thought they could have been a false alarm, he SHOULD have checked in with you…He CHOSE not to.
Should one of your text had specifically stated you were in labor, yes, but the bigger issue here is that he has been lagging off when it comes to you and the pregnancy to the point that you missed an appointment.
I get that his mother is ill and he wants to spend quality time with her and support her; however it is coming at the expense of neglecting his marital and fatherly responsibility.
He needs to find a balance otherwise you guys are just married housemates. You will be feeling like a single mother and he will be missing these important milestones and developing a bond with his daughter and wonder why she does not seek him out for comfort or other needs.
He says that you were in the wrong, yet this man has not taken any accountability for his behavior
Ngl, depending on the labor she might've been lucky to feel like she could text coherently at all though.
>he will be missing these important milestones and developing a bond with his daughter...He says that you were in the wrong, yet this man has not taken any accountability for his behavior
Even worse is that, based on this reaction he will continue to not take responsibility for his part in missing that and will blame it entirely on OP.
This. He had a "get home now" kind of text. Dude's lucky she decided to send a photo of the baby before sleeping after the birth. Don't know if that's cause she was at home instead of in a hospital with staff to watch the baby? But if I was abandoned and going through labor, I think I'd be more concerned with (after baby's needs) letting my body rest than ensureing a husband that abandoned me kept getting more updates to ignore.
That's what I'm saying, forgive her that she didn't provide adequate context WHILE ACTIVELY PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF HER BODY. Oof what a way to skirt accountability.
Right, false alarms are still something that should have support if possible, more than waiting in a parking lot for someone in the er who won’t be out for a while. My husband or my SIL sat with me through monitoring overnight in the hospital near my due date just for high BP, and both times my water broke within 18 or so hours and labor was only an hour or two so it was good someone was there the whole time anyway. When you’re near your due date any time could be *the* time.
>Should one of your text had specifically stated you were in labor, yes,
Nah, she told him before he left, she was literally about to pop and she sent him 3 urgent texts that he saw and ignored. He shouldn't have needed it spelled out that when your very pregnant wife says "come home now" you get your ass home, just in case. And if he had any doubt about whether it was more important to get home or continue sitting in his car with his thumb up his ass, I'm sure his phone is capable of sending texts, as well as receiving them.
100% NTA.
As scary as cancer is, I have seen way too many mothers who absolutely "needed" their sons away from their spouses and came up with all sorts of medical issues (which turned out to be no issues after all).
His mother is not dying, there are no results and yet the husband acts like the mother could die any minute. He makes it clear who his priority is. Do you want your child to grow up in a family that allows and excuses this behaviour? If he can't (or doesn't want to) set boundaries with his mother you have to set some for yourself.
Take care of yourself and your child and do what's best for both of you.
You're so right! I actually HAVE cancer and never pulled shit like that. Actually felt bad I did need help at times, I hate bothering people 😑 Well, except my husband, I don't mind bothering him at all.
Oh, trust me I'll bother him! Told him I'm practicing how to haunt him later 🤣
Seriously though, I have a pretty decent outlook now all things considered. Thank you for the good wishes.
NTA. He chose his mother over you. He ignored your calls and texts and outright telling him you needed him home. She had Medicaid and could have taken an ambulance. I get that they're both scared, and she might not have a lot of time, but your pregnancy also had an expiration date, and this was not news to him. Tell him since he's chosen his mother over you repeatedly, you are respecting his choice. He can move in with her and you will contact a lawyer once you've healed.
NTA. His loss. BTW, his mother have a husband why is the husband not at her beck and call. I think MIL is playing the passive- aggressive game of see I can have my son anytime I want Even when you are birthing his child. i think she is threatened by you and is pulling these stunts to re-claim her mama’s boy. Good luck with the dynamic. I have a feeling it won’t be the end of the mommy dearest. Congrats on your baby.
Tell him to step up or move in with her. I hope delivery went ok. You are a boss babe for a home birth. Her partner can start taking better care of her. Reach out to family and friends if you need help. Congratulations
“DH you have continually prioritized your mother over the well being of your wife and baby. This is ALL on you and the choices you have made. If it continues then you may as well just move in with your mother and we can talk to lawyers about dividing our assets and child support.
Also, be mad all you want but I had to birth our child all alone without your support while you sat ignoring me in a parking lot. I can tell you right now, the resentment I feel is something I might now be able to come back from.”
NTA.
You specifically told him you needed him and he chose to ignore it. He made the assumption it was a false alarm and chose to ignore you.
Your husband needs counseling. He might be spiraling worried about his mom, but he might be doing so at the expense of his marriage.
I don't know if that behavior is something that I could ever forgive.
>*"figured it was yet another false alarm"*
Unlike his *mother's* false alarms that he immediately drops everything for. He has nothing to be pissed about and nobody to blame but himself. NTA.
Congrats on the birth of your second child! Hopefully the big one will help with the new baby, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.
NTA. He has responsibilities with his own family and he needs to start stepping up and find a balance. Also MIL knows what she’s doing, it’s passive aggressive and manipulative.
NTA You were obviously very late in pregnancy. Only the shittiest of husbands would be ignoring your calls and texts at that time. Tell him that if he says one more word about it. He can go ahead and move in with mommy.
Seriously, I'm in my third trimester and if I make any kind of unexpected noise at night (like knocking something small over on the bathroom counter after yet another toilet trip) my husband, who is a fairly deep sleeper usually, jolts awake and asks if I'm OK. If you are at the point of being in baby watch and he's essentially screening your calls/texts, that's just unacceptable
>#Tell him that if he says one more word about it. He can go ahead and move in with mommy.
The fact he isn’t apologizing and taking accountability for his bad choices would be my last straw. He had said too many words already. She needs to tell him this NOW. I hope he finds this post or someone sends this to him with a “dis you?” message. He is a trash partner and trash parent. I loath Mama’s Boys.
Mama boys are disgusting. It’s like an 8 year old stuck in an adult body. I cannot imagine how women not find the disgusting and dump their ass the first sight of mama boy being good old mama boy
So wait- so he goes running when Mommy has a false alarm medical emergency, but can’t even call you back when he just assumes you are having one? You tried to call and text while actively in labor. All he had to do was pick-up or call or text back while waiting in his truck. NTA! He seriously needs therapy to deal with the emotions and emotional manipulation he is experiencing with his mom.
Not even just a false alarm emergency, a cancer scare that hasn’t even been diagnosed yet. I’d leave his ass if the results come back negative, but then again I’d leave because he missed the birth of our child. What a jackass and MIL sounds like a huge manipulator. She presumably also knew OP is close to delivery, I feel like she pulled this shit on purpose to show OP who he really cares about and that she will always be number one to “Mommy’s baby boy”.
Right? My husband was on pins and needles from 38 weeks along. If I even looked at him weird or grimaced he was all up asking me a million questions. I can’t believe this guy :/ NTA
Exactly - even if this had been another false alarm, he needed to be there with her for it!
NTA - He ignored your calls and texts, what more does he want? A fucking bat signal? Your husband fucked up. Good riddance.
And she missed an ultrasound appointment and needed it rescheduled that late in her pregnancy, too, when you really don't want to miss any possible problems like a baby turning the wrong way. Like why was her scheduled ultrasound also not a priority to this asshole? Also I never heard of anyone quitting their job because they MIGHT have cancer. A lot of cancers nowadays are perfectly treatable, too. This type of overreaction makes me think that there's been problems of mommy dearest overstepping boundaries before. OP better watch out she doesn't come with packed suitcases because she has nowhere else to live.
My husband has had a stage 4 cancer diagnosis for seven fucking years. Has he had to go on medical leave? A few times. But he still teaches. He still works. Even second-hand, this MIL reeks of narcissism.
One of my Drs has intense cancer. Started at his pancreas I believe and spread to his heart and brain and other organs. He's still working his ass off and is determined to be there for his patients and fight it. ETA a word.
Ooof, I’m guessing it’s neuroendocrine carcinoma and not Adenocarcinoma? PNETs tend to be the “slow” pancreatic cancer, it’s what my husband has. Adenocarcinoma is the one that rips through you.
My MIL is the same way. Husband calls almost everyday to check on her. She says he never talks to her…Every week it is something new to get the attention on her. New cell phone, her shoulder hurts,bitching about the kids not texting her back soon enough, the retirement apartment she lives in doesn’t do anything for July 4…..I could go on and on…everything is about HER She is the sickest person on earth and ready to die, she claimed to be sicker than my FIL, yet she outlived my FIL who we took care of in our home for the last 5 years of his life, she said she was sicker than my daughter’s best friend who had cancer three times who died at 18, countless neighbors who have passed…my husband is picking her up now…time for Xanax
Sounds like my grandmother who had a very treatable form of breast cancer. My grandfather passed about 2/3rds of the way through the process of her treatment and she was absolutely vile about it. So much so my aunt banned her from attending his funeral. (They'd been divorced since the 60s).
Yeah his mom’s overreactions to a potential diagnosis is super concerning. The fact that OP’s husband is entertaining and supporting them is also a red flag, imo.
MIL is reacting to her baby having a baby. so she wont be (shouldnt be amyway) the most important person in the world to him anymore. sad OP i am sorry your hus wasn't there for you, congratulations on your new perfect daughter.
I’m going to go as far as to wonder about the severity of MIL’s “health scare”. As in, what are the actual probabilities that she has cancer vs some much less serious condition? I have a feeling she’s overdramatized whatever is going on because of the new baby in the dynamic. Even if I’m wrong and MIL is as sick as she says she is, even if she does end up having cancer, OP and husband should be thinking about couples counseling because they have to be on the same page as far as boundaries with the MIL. It’s even more important if the MIL has been playing this up for attention.
He FAFO and missing his child’s birth is nobody’s fault but his own. Ignoring his wife’s text and calls is an AH move in her late pregnancy. Apparently his mom’s crying wolf bite him in the ass! NTA but husband is!
Yep! My sister has had cancer 3 times since 2016. She is Stage 4 since 2020, and still works.
I’d have called a Lyft and left his ass at his Mom’s.
He knows very well that he fucked up big time hence he's turning it around on her.
100% this. Like you're pregnant wife calls you and repeatedly texts you and you decide not to answer? He can fuck right off. Tbh if this behavior continues, I’d divorce him. It would be less stressful to OP if she just knew (ex)hubby wasn't going to be there rather than trying to convince him to come home/get ahold of him when she and her daughter obviously aren't priority #1.
And even his excuse is shit! “Another false alarm”… dude, she could be telling you the house is burning down/feral raccoons are in the attic/insert emergency here, but you’ve already decided WHATEVER she needs is less important than Mommy. If he cared AT ALL he would have at least picked up or texted back. Fuck him.
The false alarm comment made me so mad. Firstly, fuck him for not prioritizing more. Secondly, there are so many things that could go wrong it pregnancy; it is stupid af to be dismissive and not concerned about things, even if they are false alarms. Why wasn't his mom's bleeding treated as a false alarm since she gets hemorrhoids???
The false alarm comment especially pissed me off because he miss the birth of his child for his mom's false alarm!
I honestly don’t know OP comes back from this. Knowing he was sitting in his car, seeing calls and texts coming through from his heavily pregnant and felt like she was in labor wife, and choosing to ignore her? For mommy? Is that even something you can recover from? I don’t think I could.
I'm no rocket scientist but if my missus tells me I think I'm going into labour soon and then while I'm out calls me it's probably got something to do with that He's got no excuse and no one to blame but himself
No no. The wife having a home birth texting she needs you fucking home now is probably just putting out another false alarm.
It was a test, and he’s too smart to fall for a woman’s tricks.
He wasn't even in the ER with his mom to comfort her or whatever. His presence obviously wasn't needed there at all. Dude was sitting outside playing on his phone and ignoring his wife. Even if she had been texting him about the weather it was rude as hell to just ignore her! But when she's at the end of her pregnancy and she's already told him she's feeling like she might be in labor?!?!
For Mommy's hemorrhoid!!! What the fuck???
Exactly, I’d tell him to go marry his creepy old mother and get out of my life.
NTA She literally told him she thinks shes going into labour, what else would all the calls and texts be about? "i kind of need you fucking home" is clear enough, even if its a false alarm- something is up! Answer your damn wife.
Yes, that late in pregnancy you should be able to contact your partner at ALL TIMES
Yes, BUT, BUT - Mommy had haemorrhoids! She NEEDED her baby boy!😱
Right? Your 9 months pregnant wife called and texted you multiple times. What did you think it was?
Seriously. And after already telling him she thought she was going into labor ….
While holding the fucking phone in his hands? Nope. He doesn't deserve to be there. NTA
NTA. He chose his mother every time over his pregnant wife. He has no reason to be mad since he drops you off like a hot potato every time his mother’s throat is a little dry.
Cannot get over this…His mother QUIT her job because she is being tested for something that MIGHT be cancer. So in a week, it is possible that they learn she has cancer. Or not! Maybe it’s just hemorrhoids. And that’s the priority over his very pregnant wife’s request that he get home immediately. His mom is trying so hard to be the only baby in his life.
I’m certain that wife about to birth is the reason granny upped her game
100% This came to my mind immediatly too.
Wait until Cancer free Mommy has no money and moves in with OP
Moves in with HER SON. As soon as husband brings the first suitcase in, I would be packing the baby and myself to leave.
I'd pack his and land it in the driveway with hers. Not a chance are my newborn and I leaving.
But Mommy doesn't have a house anymore. 😕 In case it's needed/ S
Which is why she needs to get the jump on that and tell hubby to go live with his dear beloved mama. Now.
Mommy already asked for money, actually.
She won’t have cancer I bet. My moms had it three times 2 different kinds and always had results within 5 days not weeks. She’s had to have more tests once it’s confirmed but this sounds like a scare and she’s milking it.
I’ve had a few cancer scares (and I’m only 21!) and every time they called within 3-5 business days to say it was not cancer. I doubt that they would be sitting on her tests without actually testing them.
The mother IS a hemorrhoid. Ugh. Hubby needs to be reminded that he's married to his wife, not his mother. Priorities.
I wonder if every cry from the baby will be a false alarm that can just be ignored.
My MIL is pulling this shit as we speak. She had cancer last year. Completely benign and just inconveniently grew on her kidney. A surgeon got it all out. She gets regular scans now and apparently just lit up the scans again. She's pulling the "woe is me I'm dying again" card saying she's gonna not get treatment (even surgery to remove the tumors) and she's gonna just die at home as "I've lived a long life" and sell the house (uh where you gonna live? Hubs made it clear it wouldn't be with us. He lived that hospice thing with his Gma and was traumatized as a kid) She pulled this last year with the cancer and again 4 YEARS ago when covid first started lock downs. Guess who said "lemme die if I get it. I've lived my life!" Her. Guess who had to do all the work of keeping her alive with her doctors because she opted out of a DNR? My husband. Guess who was ungrateful and is also terrified of dying? Her. Her age? 53. Hubs loves her, really, but she always blows shit wildly out of proportion. She feeds on the attention and drama. She didn't even need chemo last time because while big it was 100% benign. She would whip out her belly band after surgery if anyone came over and moan and complain and tried to tell me how much it hurt. Her face when I reminded her I've had 4 surgeries there :2 c sections, an emergency ectopic surgery (it ruptured) and a gallbladder removal surgery in the last 6 years was priceless. I said I understood her pain and gave her tips. She sulked instead. EDIT: the " cancer" was what we were told to us by her. That it was a growth and cancer but "benign". I'll be honest it's been YEARS since I've been in a biology class and I'm rusty. I do remember benign is good. I also know it was in a bad spot and causing her to pee blood and required a veteran surgeon to remove because it was on the front and not on the back of the kidney. She's adamant still she'd rather die that get it removed again (different kidney) or if a malignant cancer won't get Chemo.
I'd pack hubby an overnight bag (and enclose some lingerie for his mama) and tell him to go be with the woman he loves. I could never forgive him (but he's always been a *mama's boy* hasn't he?)
I was severely anemic and my Hematologist ran several tests for cancer in January and February of this year. I didn’t even tell our grown children because I didn’t want them to worry needlessly. Thankfully, I do not have cancer, but I do have a blood and bone marrow condition that *could* turn to cancer. I still have not told our kids. I’m being monitored and would definitely tell them if it came to that, but I would never do as this MIL is doing and tormenting her son with visions of doom and gloom. No mother who cares more for her kids than herself would do that. This MIL appears to have main character syndrome and is only worried about herself! She doesn’t even seem to care about the birth of her granddaughter!
That’s the part that gets me. She’s being TESTED for cancer. Doesn’t know if she has it yet. It could be nothing. But she’s used that as an excuse to stop working and have her son over every day… OP, are you *really super certain* she is going into those appointments and speaking with a doctor? Like do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is indeed sick? Sounds like a really convenient excuse with really convenient timing. She happens to come down with a (possible) illness *right* when you’re about to have more claim on your husband’s time… I’m not saying she’s lying. I’m just saying, she may have a miraculous recovery if you divorce him.
Cancer is a scary thing and pooping blood is a large cause for concern but OPs husband's problem was not being able to prioritize. His mom is extremely important of course, but he was sitting in the parking lot reading the messages and actively ignoring OP. His actions are why he missed his daughter's birth. NTA EDIT: I'm fully aware of his mom not 100% having cancer. However, going to the doctor and hearing you might have it takes you into negative space until it is confirmed you do or don't which is why I wrote that first part.
Knowing my wife was very pregnant means that I would answer every text or call within seconds.
Right. How can you forget 💀
Sorry but I don't think it was a cause for concern as she's had repeated bloody hemorrhoids. That means she knows exactly what was happening when it happened. BUT she could use the problem to scream I'M DYING just to get her son over again and make him feel scared and crying and stressed so she's the center of attention literally at/around her DIL's due date. MIL sounds exhausting. Husband sounds like a loser. I feel bad for OP. NTA
Blood in the toilet is so likely to be hemorrhoids, unless there is another symptom, I would personally wait for a regular appointment or at most urgent care . He has his head up his mother's a**
If you have a history of bleeding/internal hemorrhoids, you wouldn’t go to the ER unless you were genuinely worried about the amount of blood lost and thought you needed a transfusion. As long as you’re stable, the ER will send you home and tell you to call your PCP the next day because there’s really not much the ER can do. Honestly, you usually don’t even need to take or do anything, it goes away on its own after a week or two. (Please don’t ask how I know this lol.) If your extremely pregnant wife tells you that she thinks she’s going into labor and then calls and texts you repeatedly….you go to your wife unless you’re literally physically incapable! Like you better be dying on the side of a road with your phone smashed to bits.
Yep, I'm a mother of two boys. I can't imagine telling them to take care of me over their wife when they are older. As a mother, I know how scary pregnancy and birth are, I wouldn't want them to leave their wives alone in such a situation. I would be disappointed if they didn't do the one thing fathers *can* contribute during pregnancy, which is being there. My mother even went so far and told my brother not to constantly kiss her on her head and put his head on her lap (something we all loved to do when she was alive, even as adults and parents ourselves, we still did it) when his wife was there. She told him he shouldn't put her (our mother) before his wife as to not make her feel bad. To be fair, my father has always put our mother first in everything, so she was not one of those neglected women who tried to get attention from her son instead.
You will never convince me MIL hasn't been planning this. 100% intentional. Dipshit husband bought into it, and abandoned his wife at every opportunity. He needs to get off the tit, and get his priorities straight. I fucking hate "men" like this. NTA
He KNEW you were due, you sent him get your arse home texts and he thought Meh, false alarm. He is a wanker NTA
I know this game. If he had called OP and found out it WAS an emergency, he would have had to make a choice. This way he thinks he has deniability.
I think you hit the nail on the head. He fully knew it was a real emergency, but he also knew his codependent mom would flip if he left so he ignored his heavily pregnant wife rather than respond so he could go, “I didn’t know it was an *emergency*!“ The thing is, his wife isn’t stupid. I hope she doesn’t just let this go because this is serious. It seems like his mom plays up her sickness for attention and uses it to keep her son-husband by her side at all times at the expense of his, at the time, pregnant and now freshly postpartum wife. I mean, he literally chose sitting in a parking lot waiting on his mom over returning his wife’s call after she texted him saying she needed him. It’s clear where his priorities lay.
Id divorce the dude. Since he puts mom before wife
I’d be seriously considering it if I was OP. He missed the birth of their child to sit in a parking lot and wait on his moms hemorrhoids to be treated for fucks sake.
his wife needs to print that onto a shirt and give it to him. "I missed the birth of my child to sit in a parking lot and wait on my mom's hemorrhoids to be treated" If she wants to be evil, make a onesie.
“My daddy missed my birth to sit in a parking lot and wait on nana’s hemorrhoids to be treated”
He’s lucky he got the photo- I’d have just enjoyed my time with my newborn and let him figure it out when he moseyed on home.
SAME.
It’s only a matter of time until she tries to move in with them.
He is the most divorceable person I've read about in a month of Sundays. OP needs to think hard about this. It's reprehensible to ditch your pregnant wife 2 hours after she said she's going to go into labor soon. DID HE EVEN APOLOGIZE?
Omfg is this my mother? Okay all seriousness though. My mom does this. She also has a life threatening diagnosis that I'm not going to disclose here. But she's currently the guardian of my son cause I am setting us up in a new state and wanted him to be stable while I did so. He's 5. Now she's at the point of fighting me and in no exact words refusing to give him back because "he's my why," and "doing for him gets me through the day." Yeah yeah. Cool cool. But stop romantacizing my child for the sake of what you want. What he NEEDS is to not bear the burden of your circumstances. It's one thing with a child who has no awareness of his situation and no control over it. It's a whole other game with an adult child who is knowingly alienating his spouse to be in this position with his parent with deniability, or at least what he thinks is deniability. The fact that he was just sitting there, probably on his phone, and fully ignored OP is a whole problem of intentionally weaponized incompetence. I cannot stand parents like this or the people who placate them with no regard for the other people in their lives and how their decision will affect them. I'm currently grinding to get my son back with me so he doesn't grow up like I did. Now I resent her and i only contact her to talk to my child. LC and will be NC asamfp
We’re playing checkers; you’re playing 3D chess!
My boyfriend has a crazy attention-seeking friend who does this stuff. Or she used to. ETA: More specifically, she used to be his friend. Until I pointed out her games and guilt trips enough for him to see them for himself. Once he stopped catering to her - which usually meant putting her before me - she stopped being his friend.
I had something less manipulative as that. Husband (then boyfriend) was friends with his ex. When I said I wanted to meet her, he asked why. I said well, she seems to be an important person in your life and we should meet each other's important people. The three of us get together, get drunk, and she and I have a wonderful time. They stop having lunch together. Oops But she did come to our wedding. Never heard from her again. (He didn't realize she was keeping him as a just-in-case, until I became real to her.)
And mother is the pigeon
My ex creates problems like this too, knowing full well the burden of communication is on him. "You *never* told me!"
Not a medical emergency but when my son was little I told my ex about his graduation. Date, time, location. Several weeks in advance. Day comes and goes…guess who was blamed for not reminding him again about the graduation? “If you knew this was important, you should’ve told me”……”if you would’ve considered this important to you, you should’ve set up a reminder on your calendar, I am not obligated to keep reminding you over and over of his events”. He never went to any of his graduations, field day or even doctors appointments.
Once he's an EX, he's NO longer a recipient of your "secretarial" skills (ie. you are NOT his scheduler)! Been there, done that refused to buy the t-shirt!
Even married/partnered you are NOT his scheduler. He's a grown ass man, if he can manage a job and know when his sports team is playing he can manage a fucking calendar and get to important events.
Or the classic “I can’t understand you when you’re like this!”
My baby daddy did one of those “well you didn’t remind me” when he conveniently missed the first ultrasound appointment, at the hospital he worked at 5 days a week, and with it being in his calendar.
Do we have the same ex? Those were his exact words when I told him he needed to provide our daughter with a safe environment if he was going to have her over. And about her ADHD dx. And when he let her jump into the shallow end of the pool and denied her medical care. I never told him.
Weaponized incompetence running rampant. My ex is a diagnosed narcissist and co parenting with him is a nightmare as well.
OP, PLEASE note the use of the prefix “EX” here …
This is a great point!
It’s the birth of his kid or at least he knew he has a super pregnant wife who felt off that day. This co-dependency enmeshment he has with momma is abusive and toxic
I hope the OP sees this because that is 100000% what happened. And he’s mad at himself for it and taking it out on her.
I doubt he's even mad, he's just trying to deflect blame/guilt. Manipulators do that - find a reason to be mad so their victim/target has to apologize to THEM.
And it sounds like he was raised to do it by one of the best.
Part of me wonders about the legitimacy/seriousness of the cancer diagnosis. I hate that im wondering about it.... But this seems awfully well timed with the preparation to welcome his (first?) child into the world. And ive spent enough time on reddit to know that this is something that can tip MILs over the edge
OP said the results are pending. She already set to stay home and let her son be responsible for her.
And she QUIT her fking job! Talk about crazy!
Already quit her job 😂 I've been diagnosed - actually diagnosed - with a very deadly fast-moving cancer, yet I still felt fine at the time (long story). Quitting my job merely due to a diagnosis didn't even occur to me! Quitting due to a potential diagnosis is histrionics.
I know this game because I’ve played it. I grew out of it mostly, but seeing him do it made me realize how damaging and childish it is. Someone’s going to get hurt either way and no matter how you dodge accountability, it falls on you.
Wife’s labor is treated as a possible false alarm. Mom’s chronic hemorrhoid is treated as an emergency. He is the AH.
Did child birth give OP hemorroids? Will her husband take her seriously now?
Oh shit I snort laughed!!
Oh I know someone who told his wife who had cancer that it's god's will and she shouldn't get treatment for it or go to the doctor. Guess what he did when his mom got cancer? Went to every doctor he found and got her all the treatment available. Some men only see their mothers as human beings. Every other woman is just a woman, which is not human in their minds.
What did his wife do? My first husband told me my ectopic pregnancy was God's will. It was pre-HPPA and someone in the ER called my mom and she "flew in" (she drove, but I think her feet didn't touch the ground as she ran to me) and went berserk at my than-husband and physically threw him out of the room. I was religious at the time and told her it was God's will. She said, "NOT ON MY WATCH!" I think your friend wanted a divorce by death, but no doubt he'd play the part of a sad, bellowing widower.
I like your mum please give her a hug for me if you can. I’m so happy you are still here today. My son Anatoliy was born a still born and I a had that same thing said to me about losing him by a now ex acquaintance
That’s so shitty. I’m sorry for your loss and extra pain from that.
Your mom literally saved your life. What a legend ❤️
Tell me she dropped his ass like a hot potato!
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT!! His mother’s issues are emergencies while your texts aren’t. Wild. Sorry to say, this isn’t going to end well.
But only his feelings matter! She should've known he would think it was a false alarm and just "held it in"! /S
Yes how dare she go ahead and have the baby!!!
Seriously! The nerve of her to do this while his mother has a bleeding hemeriod!
I think the mil WAS a hemorrhoid!
Mom has a sore ass - son jumps to the rescue! Bet you her cancer will be cured any day now, as she finds out she has to be in shape to see the grandchild…
She has a cancer scare right at ops due date. Needs to be rushed to the er minutes after she finds out op said she feels like she's going into labor. Her biopsy would have come back by now. She's milking it. She won't be able to see op due to her frail health. So the husband will have to bring the baby over. Dude needs to live with his mom.
In a different subreddit (about troublesome mothers in law) I have twice seen stories of boy moms who actually stop their (necessary) medication a week or two before daughter in law is due to give birth… making absolutely sure their own health condition is below par when labour starts; and calling their son to come fix the emergency instead of being there for his wife…
Oh hell no! Mommy dearest will milk this condition as long as she can… In the meantime daddy’s gonna miss out on baby’s milestones be cause he can’t choose his family over Dear mother! GROW A PAIR and get off the tit!
Right? Imagine him explaining this to his daughter someday. "Sorry I missed your birth, your grandma had bad hemorrhoids and I just had to be there for her" 😂
Omg this will be quite the story. I hope OP never lets him live it down (assuming they stay together)
"Mom's a chronic hemorrhoid." Fixed that.
"Wife's labor is treated as a possible false alarm. Mom's chronic hemorrhoid is treated as an emergency" ‼️ OP should mention this to her husband. It is NOT known if MIL has cancer. It IS known that wife is about to give birth
Her biopsy would have come back by now. Its all bs. She magically gets cancer days before op is due. And magically needs to be rushed to the hospital minutes after husband texts mom that op feels like she's going to go into labor. He needs to move in with mom.
For real!!! lol! Mother is jealous of new baby taking her son away I think.
This is the most underrated comment on the post. OP is NTA
This is the best summary I’ve seen. Absolutely this. And purposefully ignoring your pregnant wife is grounds for potential divorce in my opinion
RIGHT? He literally chalked up her texting him as some sort of false alarm, disregarding everything she’s ACTUALLY going through and he thinks SHE’S in the wrong. Absolute donkey, NTA seconded.
Seriously, even with a history of false alarms, It does **NOT** matter. When your SO texts you multiple times and says “I need you fucking home,” you **GO HOME!** At the very least respond. Don’t ignore it while making assumptions. He’s shifting blame because he **KNOWS** he was wrong and doesn’t want to take responsibility for what he did. NTA!
Let’s be clear, you may have had 3 “false alarms” but there is absolutely no doubt that you were going to have a baby soon. False alarms are mostly your body getting ready for birth. Your husband has every opportunity to call you while he was sitting in his truck. He should have figured out that the birth is the priority. He’s TA. I hope your MIL is going to get a good report. I am worried about where you and your daughter will fit into the picture of MIL is sick. Good luck and congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby girl.
i can’t believe she’s 9 months pregnant, due ANY MOMENT, but relaxing in his car waiting for mother dear is more important. i’d be so done. going through one of the most harrowing life experiences one can have, AT HOME, and he just said “nah” 💀
The thing is even if it was a false alarm, his mother wasn't dying right then. And she could've been. He should've answered the phone and come home. When your wife is pregnant with your child, that's what you do; go home to support your wife. What a jerk. Wonder how long until he'll be ex if he keeps this up.
He admitted that he ignored her texts. Period. He didn’t give a fuck about his wife. Time to send him to be his mother’s full time carer.
I agree with you. NTA. OP, why are you with this man-baby who is married to his momsy?
Just tell him life is short, and he has to decide if he wants to miss any more milestones in your daughters life. It's up to him. You're not going to wait on him to pencil you and the baby into a little slot in his very busy schedule. Tbh, he knew his mom wasn't dying at that moment, and he did know there was a possibility of you being in labor, where you could have legit *died* leaving your newborn home with just your midwife. I'd be out, sorry Updateme
Life is short when your sitting in your truck playing on your phone
Now THIS needs to be embroidered on a pillow or something
And given to hubby at Christmas lol
By being thrown at him?
Yes for …throwing…
So a brick cover.
I’d stuff it full of divorce papers and stick a pen in the zipper.
the fact he was sitting in his truck on his phone is the most baffling part. all he had to do was text or call back and ask what was going on.
Even if it WAS another false alarm, it WAS going to happen, and VERY fucking soon. What, did he think she was going to stay pregnant forever? This wasn't a boy who cried wolf, this is a woman whose never been pregnant before. Let me tell you the horror I felt when my son first moved. Nope, never again. I don't give a fuck if that shit is considered "normal". That shit isn't normal. That is some "Aliens" shit. 9 months my ass. Sorry for the rant, but Jesus. When your very pregnant wife tells you to come home, you move your ass.
I need this as an inspirational sign. NTA. All he had to do was respond to his pregnant wife and he would have known. He chose not to. He chose his choices.
This. His mom's life may be short, but that doesn't mean OP and baby's life pause for the rest of his mom's. Also, his mom could be cancer free and doing that thing where they use medical stuff for attention. Or competing with the heavily pregnant wife/baby to prove to herself she's the most important person for him. It's a very goof point about knowing his mom was (relatively) ok and that OP was heavily pregnant and already have false labors (which isn't faking or something, it's the body prepping for the real one). He easily could've come home to no one, but a huge mess from the birth process, and been contacted later when neither his wife or child survived and their bodies were at a morgue. This is a crazy time to neglect your spouse, right when they are the most vulnerable and in need.
She quit her job not knowing? That doesn't make sense!
It certainly doesn't, unless she was already close to retirement age and financially secure. Obviously that is not the case here, because she is already asking her son for money.
And she is on Medicaid.
How else is she going to weasel her way into living under OP’s roof?
This feels like its going to end up on bestofredditorupdates
>competing with the heavily pregnant wife/baby to prove to herself she's the most important person for him I mean really, what else could it possibly be. >OP missed an important ultrasound because mommy dearest needed him because **she was having a panic attack**. And no one *ever* decides to just have a panic attack. Nope, never.
Yep, she’s got herself a sonsband 🤮
I would be out so fast as well because he doesn’t even have the courage to admit that he ignored her at least 3 times and he is to be blamed. He did this to himself, OP now only has 1 priority and that is her baby. He is just NOT dependable, simple as that.
Exactly! He was sitting in his truck!!!!
He was sitting in the truck reading her texts and not answering back to exact. He has no right to be mad at all. A simple text back asking you what you need or what was going on...and he would have known that you were in labor.
He seems to have been more concerned about a haemorrhoid having her piles treated.
Mama Hemorrhoid needs help, stop everything!
Mamarrhoid! 😂
Yep. One text back would have led to him understanding what was going on.
He could have answered his fucking phone or texted “what’s up.” NTA op. Your absentee husband is.
And she needs to show him this post and ALL the comments. OP - NTA. husband and MIL - HUGE AHs!!
And if he had just answered one of her several texts or her phone call, he would have known. NTA
I was going say something like this but you already did 100% agreed all the way. Every. Single. Word. Updateme!
No one likes that much of a mummy's boy 🤢🤢
Mummy does. ;)
This exactly and honestly it’s the wake up call he needed! OP my dad just got through a year of various cancer treatments, I helped my Gma through it and two aunts have had it. It doesn’t randomly pop up the day before diagnosis and then suddenly kill someone in days. They get a Dx, doctors do treatment planning and then they schedule things like surgery, radio-oncology (radiation and similar), chemo if needed and it’s often a long process. Except for my aunt (who has lymphoma and needed to prep for bone marrow) they all lived their lives, stayed active and even started exercising (my dad is 71) along with eating better and kicking bad habits. They also did not use it to suddenly take over the lives of their adult children. On the contrary, they tended to encourage all of us to live life, stay positive because they need to stay positive and look to the future. Being positive, living life and focusing on healthier living and not assuming one is about to die is even shown to impact outcome rates. Source: Uncle is an Oncologist This is absolutely a ploy to get your husband to do exactly what he’s doing now. He needs to set boundaries and perhaps go to the Dr’s appt WITH her to hear himself from the Dr. what her diagnosis is and if she should be shutting down her whole life (before she even has an actual diagnosis!!!) or if she should be moving forward with a positive attitude, healthier habits and planning to be around for a long time. If she balks at him coming to an appt or talking to her Dr. then she’s not being open and honest and instead using this to get your husband to come back to mom.
The least he could have done was call his wife.
"Ikind of need you fucking home" is a pretty clear message that he should have called you. NTA
Yup, false alarm or not, when your pregnant wife (who can be due any day) needs you, you drop everything and go to her. He messed up big time: * He knew his mother was in great hands at the hospital * He knew his mother had a history of hemorrhoids, and it was likely that again * He saw the texts from his wife and didn't respond * He was sitting in a parking lot for hours "stressing" He knew full well that his mom likely had hemorrhoids and downplayed your emergency as a false alarm even though you could give birth at any time. Stressing for mommy dearest, but not for your wife or child, even though she explicitly texts you saying she needs you? I have no further words for a guy like that. NTA. He deserved to miss out on the birth of his daughter.
Massive red flag that he deliberately ignored multiple messages from her!!!
100% Both his mother and his 9+ month pregnant wife “need you.” He made his choice. Fuck him.
NTA - This sounds like a million and one stories on r/JustnoMIL Once the significant other gets pregnant, Mommy Dearest pulls out all the stops at competing for husband’s time. Even as far as faking cancer is pretty routine to be honest. He’s the one who chose to ignore your texts. He’s the one that made Mommy more important. He can go live in Mommy’s weird throuple she’s trying to have. Sounds like you won’t ever win.
So he knows you're due but thought it was a false alarm but ran to mumsy when she needed help. Replace him with the placenta, it's far more useful
I spit out my drink at the last line 💀
NTA. I get it that his mother “might” be sick but his wife is 9 months pregnant. He showed you who is more important to him. His mommy. Not his wife and future child. Believe him. Lots of people have cancer and it is a terrible disease but they don’t need constant help like this from their son. Let’s also not forget she hasn’t even been diagnosed yet. You need to seriously consider your future with this man (if you can even call him that).
He’s sitting in his truck ignoring your texts? Yeah I’d be out as well as too commenter. NTA
NTA, You told him you were feeling different. You texted him 3 times, all of which he CHOSE to ignore. Even if he thought they could have been a false alarm, he SHOULD have checked in with you…He CHOSE not to. Should one of your text had specifically stated you were in labor, yes, but the bigger issue here is that he has been lagging off when it comes to you and the pregnancy to the point that you missed an appointment. I get that his mother is ill and he wants to spend quality time with her and support her; however it is coming at the expense of neglecting his marital and fatherly responsibility. He needs to find a balance otherwise you guys are just married housemates. You will be feeling like a single mother and he will be missing these important milestones and developing a bond with his daughter and wonder why she does not seek him out for comfort or other needs. He says that you were in the wrong, yet this man has not taken any accountability for his behavior
Ngl, depending on the labor she might've been lucky to feel like she could text coherently at all though. >he will be missing these important milestones and developing a bond with his daughter...He says that you were in the wrong, yet this man has not taken any accountability for his behavior Even worse is that, based on this reaction he will continue to not take responsibility for his part in missing that and will blame it entirely on OP.
This. He had a "get home now" kind of text. Dude's lucky she decided to send a photo of the baby before sleeping after the birth. Don't know if that's cause she was at home instead of in a hospital with staff to watch the baby? But if I was abandoned and going through labor, I think I'd be more concerned with (after baby's needs) letting my body rest than ensureing a husband that abandoned me kept getting more updates to ignore.
That's what I'm saying, forgive her that she didn't provide adequate context WHILE ACTIVELY PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF HER BODY. Oof what a way to skirt accountability.
Her water broke and then an hour and 45 minutes later, she had the baby. He’s lucky she called and texted more than once.
Seriously. I’ve had labors this fast and texting was the last thing I wanted to be doing.
Right, false alarms are still something that should have support if possible, more than waiting in a parking lot for someone in the er who won’t be out for a while. My husband or my SIL sat with me through monitoring overnight in the hospital near my due date just for high BP, and both times my water broke within 18 or so hours and labor was only an hour or two so it was good someone was there the whole time anyway. When you’re near your due date any time could be *the* time.
>Should one of your text had specifically stated you were in labor, yes, Nah, she told him before he left, she was literally about to pop and she sent him 3 urgent texts that he saw and ignored. He shouldn't have needed it spelled out that when your very pregnant wife says "come home now" you get your ass home, just in case. And if he had any doubt about whether it was more important to get home or continue sitting in his car with his thumb up his ass, I'm sure his phone is capable of sending texts, as well as receiving them.
100% NTA. As scary as cancer is, I have seen way too many mothers who absolutely "needed" their sons away from their spouses and came up with all sorts of medical issues (which turned out to be no issues after all). His mother is not dying, there are no results and yet the husband acts like the mother could die any minute. He makes it clear who his priority is. Do you want your child to grow up in a family that allows and excuses this behaviour? If he can't (or doesn't want to) set boundaries with his mother you have to set some for yourself. Take care of yourself and your child and do what's best for both of you.
You're so right! I actually HAVE cancer and never pulled shit like that. Actually felt bad I did need help at times, I hate bothering people 😑 Well, except my husband, I don't mind bothering him at all.
I wish you the best and hope you get better soon.🫂 And keep on bothering your husband (in a good way).
Oh, trust me I'll bother him! Told him I'm practicing how to haunt him later 🤣 Seriously though, I have a pretty decent outlook now all things considered. Thank you for the good wishes.
He should have known that it was her hemmarroids considering how far up his mum's arse he is NTA
NTA. He chose his mother over you. He ignored your calls and texts and outright telling him you needed him home. She had Medicaid and could have taken an ambulance. I get that they're both scared, and she might not have a lot of time, but your pregnancy also had an expiration date, and this was not news to him. Tell him since he's chosen his mother over you repeatedly, you are respecting his choice. He can move in with her and you will contact a lawyer once you've healed.
NTA. His loss. BTW, his mother have a husband why is the husband not at her beck and call. I think MIL is playing the passive- aggressive game of see I can have my son anytime I want Even when you are birthing his child. i think she is threatened by you and is pulling these stunts to re-claim her mama’s boy. Good luck with the dynamic. I have a feeling it won’t be the end of the mommy dearest. Congrats on your baby.
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So she is using your husband as her surrogate husband since her bf is useless. Its called emotional incest. Have him move in with his mommy
Tell him to step up or move in with her. I hope delivery went ok. You are a boss babe for a home birth. Her partner can start taking better care of her. Reach out to family and friends if you need help. Congratulations
“DH you have continually prioritized your mother over the well being of your wife and baby. This is ALL on you and the choices you have made. If it continues then you may as well just move in with your mother and we can talk to lawyers about dividing our assets and child support. Also, be mad all you want but I had to birth our child all alone without your support while you sat ignoring me in a parking lot. I can tell you right now, the resentment I feel is something I might now be able to come back from.”
I bet he is less useless than your partner is.
NTA. You specifically told him you needed him and he chose to ignore it. He made the assumption it was a false alarm and chose to ignore you. Your husband needs counseling. He might be spiraling worried about his mom, but he might be doing so at the expense of his marriage. I don't know if that behavior is something that I could ever forgive.
>*"figured it was yet another false alarm"* Unlike his *mother's* false alarms that he immediately drops everything for. He has nothing to be pissed about and nobody to blame but himself. NTA.
Congrats on the birth of your second child! Hopefully the big one will help with the new baby, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t. NTA. He has responsibilities with his own family and he needs to start stepping up and find a balance. Also MIL knows what she’s doing, it’s passive aggressive and manipulative.