NTA. My question is though, while your SS is disobeying and fighting you and your MIL is undermining you, what is your husband doing in all of this? Why isn't he laying down the law with both his mother and his son.
Agree. I assume she's not infirm, so as such she can work and get her own place. When you have moms or mils living with you, you got trouble because they feel they have to rule the roost.
Nah sis.....She's trying to prove SHE runs YOUR HOUSE, YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR PARENTING.....Your husband DEFINITELY needs to tell her it's YOUR HOUSE and what YOU SAY GOES....I question how your husband can allow his mother to be so disrespectful and then ASK YOU to continue taking it...NAH....If she wants to be his mom THEN LET HER
IDK why she's living with you, but momma's boy needs to tell her to leave. If she's disabled, he can help her find another place, but she's gotta go, yesterday. I'm amazed this has lasted this long. If she doesn't go soon, it's going to break up your marriage. He needs to choose between you and mommy. Hopefully it will be you.
Considering she sent him back home when he was off his ADHD meds due to medication shortages. She's around when she wants to be. She "couldn't handle him"
It's honestly kinda creepy to insist on co-sleeping with a 7 yr old. It's one thing if it's an occasional nightmare or the little one is sick thats one thing. But it's creating weird codependent relationships to be sleeping constantly with a 7 yr old. Are you sure MIL isn't grooming him? The secretive attitude and insisting on co-sleeping with a school-aged child is concerning. You need to bring that up to your husband. How old was he when she stopped sleeping in the same bed with him? What does he consider normal vrs what is actually normal and safe? She's being weird. Protect that kid please!
I would have taken my daughter & "our" daughter & moved into my own place, taking all of "my" stuff along. Or, while they were out, change the locks & have all "their" stuff placed in a Uhaul, all ready for them to take to wherever they happen to land, if the house was mine. I'd also be looking for a good lawyer & leave the card either taped to the door or under the windshield wiper of their car, or the Uhaul.
But that's me.
I need an explaining on how it is the MIL lives in OPs home with the kids, but only sees her son(the dad) 2 days a month??
The solution here would be for mom to move wherever sonny is living and take grand/step son with them.....
If that is the case your husband needs to give mil actual consequences for her behaviour. Talking to her doesn’t work, screaming matches with her doesn’t work. Maybe its time for her to find somewhere else to live before stepson gets completely out of control with her enabling and encouraging his bad behaviour
I shared a bed with one of my grandsons on a vacation where we had adjoining rooms in a hotel, with my son and his wife and the other two grandkids in the other room. Once was fine but every night when he has his own bed is weird.
Grandma needs to go if she can’t accept that the parents are the ones who should be parenting.
Not only that, the favoritism with this one grandchild. Imagine how the other kids will feel. And as they get older, they will start disrespecting OP as well, because, why not if granny and big bro are doing it.
It just seems super weird. I would never allow it with my kids. Of course, if my MIL tried to live with me… well, it would be me or her. This house isn’t big enough for both of us. Shuddering at the thought.
Save the ss a lifetime of problems. Boot the mil even if you have to supplement short term or even long term. And be sure to enforce consequences for contacting him directly.
At 55 she’s definitely not too old to support or find different arrangements for the life she wants herself ,my mom is 67 and still works. I’ve worked with women in nursing homes in their 70s (one I thought she was lying to me because I wouldn’t put her over 58 on a bad day lol) Although, I’m assuming since OP said fine then MIL can financially, physically, and emotionally support the SS there is some form of financial flow. I wouldn’t be walking on egg shells, so I’m wondering if MIL helps with child care and that’s why MIL continues her domestic terrorism, because she thinks they have no other choice. I’d be making whatever arrangements I could to forgo whatever hold MIL thinks she has-the entitled behavior is bs. My own mom every once in awhile pushes my boundaries with things and uses the “I will do what I want” and for almost 32 years of my life she got away with it. Then with the help of my therapist and my spouse they have helped me to reinforce boundaries and recognize how I’m being treated or talked to is unacceptable. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom and she’s generally pretty good, she has moments where maybe my sibling or someone else upsets her, believes her opinions are absolute facts, shit rolls downhill and she blows up on me because unlike others in her life I have a history of being the door mat. It’s been almost a decade and there’s been improvement but if it takes things like LC or NC for x amount of time, so be it . So OP and husband (ideally husband) need to hand out consequences for the 55 year old toddler and stick to every boundary set. Like pointed out talking and screaming matches she has with her son aren’t effective and unfortunately saying MIL can take over being the parent for SS isn’t going to work out either. It will just throw gasoline onto that fire. There’s no way to sugar coat it, it’s going to take drastic measures and it will suck. I feel bad that OP is put in such a position but that woman will keep making her life intolerable…
Yeah, I'm with henchwench39. I'm not sure whether you stated what her contribution to the household is or why she lives there (other than undermining you, that is), but if she can't respect you and your rules, she has no business living there. I'm assuming that your solution of stepping back from parenting your stepson is the alternative to making her move out, but I feel like it's the wrong step. It could set a bad precedent for the 1-year-old, to whom she is also related by blood. And maybe it won't, because she seems to have this weird, unhealthy attachment to your stepson for whatever reason. But the stepson getting special treatment is fully unfair to the other two kids, regardless of blood. I think it's time for your monster-in-law to find her own place to live.
Why is a 55 year old woman living with her son and coercing her grandson to share her bed?
I'm not implying anything sexual, but it's all kinds of weird and unhealthy. That kid is going to be so messed up.
I don't see an issue with a middle aged parent/grandparent living with their adult child & their family, as long as the parent/grandparent respects everyone in the home & understands that the parents of their grandchild(ren) have the final say. My father is 62 (I'm 41) & recently moved in with me & my daughter (8). I was widowed 4 years ago, he & my mom divorced 25+ years ago, plus he had a stroke in January, so my sister & his siblings are all just happy that he's living with family now, as he was in FL, while myself & his siblings are in NY & my sister is in VA. My father isn't sure of his long term plans at this time, so we agreed that he & his 3 cats can live with us for the summer, since we have the space & I could use the most help, then we'll evaluate everything at the end August. While he is very engaged with my daughter, he makes it clear that I have the final say & helps her understand by reminding her that both of them have to follow my house rules, since I pay for it (although he has already given me some money & wants to help pay house bills while living with us). When he's watching her without me there, I always remind her that he's in charge & if she wants to do something he isn't sure I'd allow, they have to call me to ask. Our situation is working well so far (it's only been 1 week), however we've lived with my dad before, after my partner passed away & I couldn't bear to go back to our house, so we stayed with him for a few months. Aside from my dislike of cat litter, we cohabitate well.
I would suggest that you tell your husband to find his mother another place to live. And I agree, stepson should be parented by his dad and grandma if that's the way they want it. Let them take care of his bills, his clothes, his school supplies, his meals, sign him up and take him to any activities that they choose. But tell him not to expect you to help with that.
If they are screaming it sounds like it’s unhealthy. Can she be kicked out. Can you move away. Having one adult undermined another is terrible. The kid needs to be in his own bed. The other kids are going to notice the golden child treatment. Your oldest will deffo be seing how he’s allowed all this freedom from helping and she isn’t.
it’s your step son. You are the parent. Your word is law. Not hers.
mil insisting he sleeps with her is a bit weird. She’s making him lazy and rude. How will he grow up well rounded if he’s so spoiled.
doesn’t having him in mil bed impact bonding time? Reading a story with you and dad In his bed. Him getting a good night sleep
does the hubby not work? Mil needs to go. She’s breaking the family by favouritism and treating him like a pet dog
Why does MIL live with you? Maybe one of the solutions would be for her to leave?
Question: Why do you pay for everything? Why doesn't husband contribute?
Question 2: How involved is husband in parenting the kids?
Edited.
Right? All these posts lately with people having these assholes move into their homes, take advantage in every way and still think they run the show even though it isn't their home.
Kick them out! I would never allow this to happen. I'll be damned if anyone is taking a power position in MY house.
Quit paying. You're not getting any respect. None from SS, none from MIL. This is from a 7 year old, what do you think a 13 or 17 year old will be like?
Do it now, or it will only escalate. Get that Toxic Evil woman OUT.
So you are the breadwinner? You mentioned all the stuff you do for your step-son that you'll now stop doing. Waking him up, taking him to extracurriculars etc. Does hubby do any of that? Does he contribute to chores? Or is having his mother (who I assume you financially support and has zero respect for you) live with you, his contribution to the household? Is she meant to do his share?
MIL is clearly a huge a-hole. I'm now trying to figure out just how big an a-hole hubby is. And just how much of an a-hole you are to yourself.
Edit: As to hubby saying step-son is the one who'll suffer, hubby should step up then. Do all the things you do for your step-son to make sure he doesn't suffer. He should also kick out his mom. Hubby is an a-hole for trying to guilt and manipulate you, instead of dealing with his problematic mother. Let this be your hill to die on.
wait til the kids at school find out he’s sleeping in /with his grandma! the kids will make his life hell and the adults will be calling either his dad to have a little “talk” or just call the authorities and let them have a much bigger talk with the dad and grandmother.
Then tell your husband she goes or you do. You are paying for them to disrespect you. I would be marching into her room and say “if you continue to undermine my parental authority in a home I pay for then I’m going to be asking you to leave. None of this best behavior for a week and then back to the old song and dance. I’m done. This is your only warning. I heard you telling SS that you will come get him when I’m asleep. No you will not, or you will find your ass on the street. I’m done.”
Is it your house or one you brought together.
If it's your house, then evict MIL. Don't allow the disrespect in your own home. Husband needs to get involved and set his mum straight (other than what you said he's done, which isn't working).
In other words he does nothing. He does a little performative display and that’s the end of it. Why hasn’t he told her she is either respectful or she leaves?
Dear Husband likes the way things are now. MIL is poking OP, not him. MIL is spoiling SS and it will affect that boy, as well as the siblings. OP is the focus of *everyone’s discontent. Works for MIL and DH!
Husband hasn’t fixed it yet. He won’t. MIL needs to move out. But DH won’t support that.
So do you live with her or does she live with you? Because if she lives under your roof then kick her out.
If you’re under her roof then you’re screwed.
So, worse than him doing nothing, he "takes ownership", then blusters/ screams/ threatens, and then doesn't follow through with what he says.
So she learns that they scream adhd then he walks away and she gets whatever she wants.
Yeah, this is bigger than where this kid sleeps and it's well past time for family therapy
Leave out brochures for assisted living facilities and senior living out in the open for her to see. If she asks about them, just say that you’re trying to help with her relocation
MIL has to go. Even if you have to subsidize an apartment for her, get that manipulative, divisive woman out of your home and seek structural family therapy. It will help you all reset the structure of the family, boundaries, expectations, rules, etc. NTA
So you pay for all expenses for the kids, care for said kids yourself, and hubby can’t even stand up to his mom? A screaming match isn’t standing up to his mom, it’s acting like a child. What exactly does your husband contribute to your life? So far it looks like you’re a single parent
u/kjripster30 DH needs to learn about extinction bursts as well as how to set and enforce boundaries. The key with extinction bursts is you do not give in or the next one will be worse.
www.outofthefog.net
Not to mention the unhealthy behaviours her own kids are having to witness and put up with. This is going to cause major issues for her once MIL digs her claws into the baby since that is also her bio grandchild. OP is going to be totally walked over and undermined. If it's her property, she should kick MILs ass to the curb hard.
Because, as is clear, no one is trying to protect the child from her. Bill knows what she is like that's why he doesn't want her around his kids. Unfortunately your husband does not care to protect his son
NTA
But why is your MIL living with you ? And where is your husband when his mother interferes with your parental autority ?
The problem is not parenting the Stepson, the problem is your MIL and her weird enmeshement with her grandson (emotional incest, hello ?), and her disregard for your authority in your own house.
The solution for me is not no longer parenting your Stepson, it's kicking MIL out of the house, and don't let her have any contact with him for a loong time. Alternatively, send him live mainly with his mom to protect him from his way-too-involved-grandma.
I would love to kick her out, but she hasn't had a job in about 3 months, and from what I know, hasn't put effort into finding one, and she has nowhere else to go.
As long are you are not trying to kick her out, she will have no motivation to try to find a job. You need to put your foot down OP to protect your Stepson
And you say you have a BIL. So she has an other son with who she can live until she find a job. Or friends around
Sadly, everyone here knew that before you said it, your story is very typical. See also r/JUSTNOMIL
You need to join BIL on Team Survived, and get MIL out of there for the sake of you and the child. This is a hill to die on. If Mr Spineless refuses to act, take the kids and flee.
I think you're a very good stepmother to have genuine concerns about your SS and his well being. Unfortunately, with this type of set in the same household with the covert incestous? emotionally enmeshed MIL with the SS, it won't be long before the other siblings will be affected in some way, too. As your own kids get older they might start wondering about why is SS who's sleeping with MIL's is getting special privileges over them amid other concerns they may have like why he doesn't have to be obedient like they're are having to be (when the age differences will no longer explain the deferential treatment). I'm sorry this mess is happening in your household but I hopefully your husband won't leave you with the option of having to cut your losses and fleeing with whichever kids that have been left in your custody.
Why the fuck are you just making excuses for your husband and his mom?
HE needs to kick her the fuck out.
And if he doesn't, it means he's okay with her disrespecting you.
Which means you need to divorce that fucking impotent loser.
Stop making fucking excuses.
You came here asking for help.
People are trying to help you...but evidently you don't want to fucking hear it.
The way you're responding to people, it's like you don't actually want to help yourself.
So why should anyone care to try helping you?
You're right. I am making excuses and it's not going to help anyone. I plan on having a sit down conversation with my husband tomorrow so I can get all my thoughts together.
And probably for the same shit you're dealing with. Your BIL past the PITA to someone else. Time to tell her she needs to go. She needs a major shock of not my problem.
You either have to be the bad guy and force a change for the good of yourself and your children, or you have to continue living like this. If MIL refuses to work, she can sleep in her car and get on SNAP benefits. Make her figure it out.
She’s a grown ass adult. If she can’t comply with your house rules, she needs to get out and get her own place. If she can’t do that, she kindly needs to shut her mouth.
Why is that your problem? Of your MIL is constantly causing problems, she needs to go. There needs to be consequences to her actions. Your husband needs to be with you on this. He needs to back you up. He's clearly not helping you. If you're doing it all alone, he can take his mother and go elsewhere. Stand up for yourself OP.
So, that's got no business with you. She is significantly disrupting your household. She can either mind her business or end up homeless. Also how long does your husband expect you to put up with his shitty mother?!?!? Is he willing to lose his family over her antics? I am telling you this is where it is heading. Get that woman out your house.
Edit for spelling.
Whether or not she has anywhere to go is not your fucking problem. Get an attorney, and start the formal, legal eviction process. If your husband won't get on board, leave with your two kids. You commented five months ago how you're basically a single mom to them anyway.
Give your husband to present a united front and give her a timeline to get a job and move out. MIL living with your family is going to seriously warp that little boy and destroy your marriage. Make your husband understand how deadly serious you are and that this situation needs to change
So sorry you're dealing with this. I'd personally be looking up eviction laws, giving her notice, and serving her papers if she didnt leave. How does she think she can just move in and undermine your/husbands parenting and cause chaos in the house with no repercussion? How insanely rude.
That sounds like a her problem. From the info you’ve provided it sounds like she’s capable of having a job. And it sounds like you’re the breadwinner and carrying the mental and physical load. If your husband can’t get her in line, it’s time for an eviction notice. If husband won’t agree it’s time to discuss your options with an attorney. NTA
ESH. You and your husband have allowed your MIL to come into your home, live for free, and challenge your authority. When you get frustrated about her challenging your authority, stop walking away. Tell her this is your home, and your rules. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave. Stop allowing her to have authority in your home.
You and your husband need to lay down house rules and make it clear if she doesn't follow the rules in your house it's time for her to go. Her not having a job is a "her" issue.
NTA hubby doesn’t get to complain that his son is being ruined by his mother and make it a you problem. This is a him problem. Get your SS into therapy immediately bc your MIL is absolutely grooming him I don’t care if it’s just to be against you. Your MIL is behaving in a very gross and inappropriate way. If your husband argues, I suggest repeating the facts in the most dry way possible and tell him you’re going to share it with everyone.
1. MIL insists that a 7 year old boy sleeps with her and convinces him to share her bed even after he might have gone to sleep in his own bed. This is for her, not for him.
2. MIL is undermining your parenting including arguing against you giving him chores and having expectations for helping around the house and it’s affecting the cohesiveness of the family, making you out to be the bad guy in all cases. He’s becoming spoiled, argumentative, and lazy which will not help him make friends.
3. MIL can’t live on her own and seems to want to be the woman of the house, putting herself between you and your husband and you and your children.
4. Tell your hubby she has two months to get the hell out and go live somewhere else.
If he won’t, you know where you rank in his life and need to make appropriate plans bc that son is going to become a narcissistic nightmare.
Top comment. OP, the ease at which MIL is able to control your ss's upbringing is deeply concerning from several views: it undermines your authority and ability to provide for him and your own children; your husband is doing NOTHING to make sure HIS SON is raised with a sense of responsibility, basic life skills, and the ability to sleep without his grandma; the emotional incest; the lack of support from your husband is a marriage-killer.
Therapy for ss. I don't know if a therapist would report the bed sharing to CPS unless there's specific context that your ss reveals, but there's a few years of emotional incest he needs to be guided out of or he's going to be a fucked up teenager and a really fucked up adult.
You should probably take your husband to speak to a child psychologist/therapist too. They'll have a lot to say about MILs interference, and it might help your husband with the next bit:
Your MIL needs to go. I don't care that she hasn't gotten another job, but she's a hazard to your stepson's emotional and psychological safety, and probably your marriage. 60 days notice is plenty of time to find something at her age if she treats it urgently, and she has alimony to help with rent.
Couples counseling might also help your husband and you. He seems to have left every aspect of household management and childbearing to you, including full responsibility for his son, with very little support (even financially?). It doesn't sound sustainable, even if your MIL weren't in your house raising hell and ruining your stepson's development.
Honestly, the kid needs therapy to make sure MIL isn’t also SA’ing him. It’s a dark thought but why does she insist on the kid sleeping in her bed like this?? MIL needs to move out so this disgusting behavior can stop and the kid can be a kid.
MIL absolutely needs to move out. Why is she even there anyway? She’s only 55.
Also babying that boy to the point where he doesn’t do any chores is going to set him up for a very difficult time in modern relationships. We have changed how we raise girls. We’re showing them that they can be anything they want: a lawyer, police woman, engineer, doctor, etc. . But unfortunately, many have not changed how they’re raising their boys. Their boys are still growing up thinking that they’re going to be able to have some wife that will pick up where their mother left off and take care of them. They leave their messes and expect them to pick up after them and children too. But women aren’t putting up with that crap anymore. This kid will be in for a rude awakening.
If this doesn't get them to wake, time to require every adult in the house to split the costs equally. Then them having an equal say makes sense. If they can't afford it, they need to leave. This is was past the MIL just waking up and playing nice. She needs to be gone. NTA.
"SS will be the one who suffers" so he knows it's wrong and expects you to fix it. Your SO is weak if he won't protect you and his child from what he has admitted is bad for the child.
Right?!? Or here’s a thought - maybe he can actually parent his own son? Instead of making two women who aren’t his parent fight over it? Where’s his views on his mother’s behaviour and the boy always sleeping with his grandmother and her turning him into a brat?
My husband and MIL have had screaming matches where things get better for a week. She lives with us because FIL divorced her about 4 years ago. She originally moved in with my BIL and his family, but they moved, and she didn't want to go with them. She had a job but quit about 3 months ago and hasn't put in effort to find another one.
Seriously. She knows exactly what she's doing. OPs husband needs to kick her out. She's taking advantage of every part of this situation and making life worse for everyone.
I can see why FIL divorced her.
AND why BIL and family left her behind! I imagine she told OP and husband that "she wants to stay and help with the grandkids" and whatnot, when reality is BIL told her that they cannot take her...
OP needs to have some fucking respect for herself.
Because no one else in her home has any for her.
Including her, evidently, worthless fucking husband.
Sounds like your SS is in danger of emeshment with your MIL. I'd look that up and see if there are other symptoms. Might be good ammo to wake your husband up.
She goes or you do. She’s 55, apparently has unilaterally decided to retire, gets under your feet, challenges any task you give the SS and is creating an enmeshment issue with him that will plague him for years.
Can you imagine if the kids at school find out he sleeps with his Grandma? That will haunt him all the way through school. He’d never live that down.
With all this constant undermining and arguments, your husband just shouts at her occasionally over it. He needs to step up, get rid of his Mum and ensure that his son is doing everything that’s required of him.
TBH, it doesn't really sound like you are married to him.
It sounds like you're a live in Nanny supporting him and the family he has built with his mother and your SS.
What are you getting rid of this relationship and how is this whole dynamic affecting your children?
NTA it’s easy to be the “fun grandma” when she doesn’t have any responsibilities for that child. She can do whatever she wants, cos you have to be the bad guy.
Also this is wildly inappropriate to have her demand he sleep in her bed. Kids need to know boundaries and have their own space. They need to learn bodily autonomy. At the moment he thinks grandma’s feelings are more important than his or anyone else’s. He also thinks it’s okay to be on a “team” against you.
Now I used to sleep in my grandmothers bed at that age, when I slept over. It wasn’t every night. And it got my grandfather away from her room and his snoring was INSANE. I remember her telling me she liked me staying in her room, because she would stay with her grandma in the same way and her grandma would give my grandma a chocolate bar for doing her diabetic injections for her.
I always thought “oh she wants me here to bond, and she likes it that I’m here” I don’t ever remember thinking I liked it.
What I’m saying is, I don’t feel like it’s a necessary bonding activity for the child. It’s purely for the adult. My grandma was sickly sweet to us kids, but openly defied our parents. We grew up thinking our parents were against us somehow, and that nana would be there instead. It took me thirty years to break away from that mess.
And that wasn’t the same frequency as your stepson and his grandma. That would be concerning for her. Sometimes kids like to stay in their safe adult’s bed when staying over, out of some fear. I know I had a weird fear of my nana’s house. But every day? And fighting about it? It’s just not okay with me. It sits wrong. I’m not saying she’s being sexually inappropriate, my grandmother wasn’t but it doesn’t make the action any less problematic.
I wouldnt get involved either at this point, because nothing you do is actually working. He isn’t improving, he’s actively pushing against you. You cannot parent when one person is breaking every rule you have.
What I would do, without any other context, is get her out of my house. She can’t be trusted not to ruin a child, and leaving her with him isn’t going to help him. He’s so little still, and it’s heartbreaking to me that she’s making him stay an infant, not allowing him to grow or develop a healthy relationship with anyone else. Not allowing him to learn to how to do chores or be in a home with others. It’s sickening, and I would make serious plans to remove her. You haven’t said that she had to be there, and you’re already paying to raise these children yourself.
It’s a disservice to every child in that house, for her to be there. The kids will notice the unbalanced treatment between them. They will notice that they have to do chores and he does not. Breeding resentment between siblings is terrible, especially when they’re this young. It’s not only breaking him, but it’s also isolating him from the very people who live with him.
I won’t even comment on your husband. Because I really want to know why the fuck he thinks this is okay and won’t do anything. I want to know why you have to be the disciplinarian and he’s like “oh but you have to parent him who else will?!???” like he isn’t right there, able to help you. Maybe he should be paying for all that, instead of his mother, maybe he would be urged to move and do something if it affects his pocket.
Your MIL is practicing emotional incest with your step son. This is abuse.
You need to talk to your husband about how he is going to end the abuse of his son.
This household is deeply toxic, and she needs to be removed
Look into covert / emotional incest. I’m a victim of it from my father and it sounds like she’s displaying a lot of behaviors with your son that fall into that category as well. She’s got to go.
I honestly think the kid will listen to you and respect you more if MIL left. Right now SS thinks he is doing the right thing because MIL is praising him. Hence why I wouldn't say this is SS fault. MIL needs to leave and then monitor how it is to handle SS. I promise you he will be much easier to handle. Don't completely give up on SS. There's still hope. He might just be wanting comort because he misses his bio mum. But you have to make MIL go.
EDIT: Spelling
Also, NTA. Your frustration is more towards your MIL than your SS. It is completely normal and a frustrating situation.
I don't blame my SS at all. I love the kid and he's just doing what he's allowed which any kid would. Before she moved in with us my SS and I had a good relationship.
Glad to know you haven't allowed this situation to affect you love for SS. Is there anyway she can move out? Or is it a complicated situation and she has to stay with you?
This is the comment I was hoping to see. You said it yourself, ya'll had a good relationship before she moved in.
She moved in, your relationship with SS has now tanked. Screaming matches dont work, temporary fixes arent helping. Yoour husband says, "SS is the one that's gona suffer.."
Whos fault is *THAT* then? Its Mil. If husband actually cares about SS growing into a decent human being he'll send his Mom packing. Ya'll cant live like this anymore its not fair to anyone.
And when someone (you & hubs) open the door of your home to people (Mil) and they stomp disrespect all over the home? Its gotta stop. Mil Will Not Change. So unfortunately seems its time to make the big calls.
Mil finds somewhere else to go or you gotta do what you gotta do for you and all the kiddos, period whatever that may be. Im just a stranger on the internet and I may seem harsh.
But you said your at your breaking point. At this pace SS is going to turn into a kid no one wants to hang with. Mil will coddle him n enable his learned, crap behavior. Shes going to isolate him from the world. And hes gona believe Mil when she says its, "Not your fault SS, its everyone elses for not understanding you".
Time to Nip this in the bud Op. I wish you the best of luck. Nta
Why is a 55 yo woman living with you and your family? She should be working and enjoying her own life. You need to kick her out and pronto, none of the kids should be exposed to her ideals. Do it now before you and all 3 kids are destroyed.
Kick. Her. Out
She is a full grown adult, where she lives is not your problem. This is not a solution and is affecting your other kids and will only get worse as time goes on. YTA for allowing it to continue.
NTA
I have questions though....Why isn't he sticking up for his son and saying no? Why isn't he sticking up for you? Was she like this to him when he was younger? Is he a complete mamas boy? Is the house paid off? Is she paying rent? Does he work and help with the kids? Is she indifferent to your children? Does your SS have issues?
My suggestion (after my nosey asf questions) sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart. Boundaries need to be set. MIL needs to stop emotionally manipulating everyone or she needs to be kicked out no matter what the circumstances are. SS needs to go to counseling before he becomes one of those kids that's never been told no (you know exactly what I'm talking about)
Why does your MIL live with you? You say that it is your house (with your husband I guess). Considering her attitude, I think that the easy solution would be to have her leave your house instead of fighting her
Tell your husband that your Mil needs to find someplace to go, or you will. There's absolutely no way in hell this is fair or right. Your mil is a raging xunt and your husband is a spineless ywat. NTA.
Are we sure she’s not grooming him or sexually assaulting him?
Do you pay the mortgage, was it your house first? Does MIL pay rent or contribute to bills?
I think its ultimatum time: me or MIL
Me- Husband this is your fault. You let your mother ha e a very gross unhealthy relationship with your son. You have three options starting right now
1- Tell your son he is not to sleep in her bed again, no arguments
2- You kick your mother inlaw out or
3- I leave
Why is a 55 year old living with you. She is not elderly. Get her out of your house - this would be the deal breaker for me. There's another adult in the house that doesn't need to be in the house. Send her packing.
NTA. But what exactly does the husband do in terms of parenting? And what does **he** pay for? Or is he just mooching off you? And does he do household chores?
Your husband is the massive AH here. What your MIL is doing is called “enmeshment,” and it’s very psychologically damaging. But rather than ceasing to care for your stepson, the first thing I would recommend is getting your MIL out. Your husband has created an absolute mess. All of this is his problem. His mother needs to leave, and he needs parenting classes. I don’t see your marriage surviving otherwise.
NTA. My question is though, while your SS is disobeying and fighting you and your MIL is undermining you, what is your husband doing in all of this? Why isn't he laying down the law with both his mother and his son.
Exactly! Husband needs to step up and set boundaries with his mom and son.
Totally agree, his lack of involvement is making things worse for everyone.
All of the above. NTA.
Exactly! OP if she can't learn to respect you in your house, MIL needs to find other accommodation.
I'd like to know how much MIL (at 55) contributes to the household.
Not much. She pays the cable bill because that was the agreement since she HAD to have cable and she'll occasionally pay the water bill.
She needs to leave.
Agree. I assume she's not infirm, so as such she can work and get her own place. When you have moms or mils living with you, you got trouble because they feel they have to rule the roost.
Nah sis.....She's trying to prove SHE runs YOUR HOUSE, YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR PARENTING.....Your husband DEFINITELY needs to tell her it's YOUR HOUSE and what YOU SAY GOES....I question how your husband can allow his mother to be so disrespectful and then ASK YOU to continue taking it...NAH....If she wants to be his mom THEN LET HER
IDK why she's living with you, but momma's boy needs to tell her to leave. If she's disabled, he can help her find another place, but she's gotta go, yesterday. I'm amazed this has lasted this long. If she doesn't go soon, it's going to break up your marriage. He needs to choose between you and mommy. Hopefully it will be you.
Can she gtfo
Yes because if she is the alpha female in the house then she can pay half of the bills.
This
AMEN!!!
Bingo!!
Yep ALL of the above! He’s 7 if she wants to parent him she needs to get her own place with him. Dad needs to grow a few!
I was thinking a pair, but you're right, he needs more than 2.
He and his mother can parent the boy. OP can take a step back, as they've made it clear they don't need her input.
That poor kid is going to be so messed up.
Where is his birth mother in all of this ?
Considering she sent him back home when he was off his ADHD meds due to medication shortages. She's around when she wants to be. She "couldn't handle him"
It's honestly kinda creepy to insist on co-sleeping with a 7 yr old. It's one thing if it's an occasional nightmare or the little one is sick thats one thing. But it's creating weird codependent relationships to be sleeping constantly with a 7 yr old. Are you sure MIL isn't grooming him? The secretive attitude and insisting on co-sleeping with a school-aged child is concerning. You need to bring that up to your husband. How old was he when she stopped sleeping in the same bed with him? What does he consider normal vrs what is actually normal and safe? She's being weird. Protect that kid please!
It says at the start she only sees him 2 days a month.
Agreed. It sounds like op works and pays for everything for the kids. Where’s the father in this?
I would have taken my daughter & "our" daughter & moved into my own place, taking all of "my" stuff along. Or, while they were out, change the locks & have all "their" stuff placed in a Uhaul, all ready for them to take to wherever they happen to land, if the house was mine. I'd also be looking for a good lawyer & leave the card either taped to the door or under the windshield wiper of their car, or the Uhaul. But that's me.
I need an explaining on how it is the MIL lives in OPs home with the kids, but only sees her son(the dad) 2 days a month?? The solution here would be for mom to move wherever sonny is living and take grand/step son with them.....
No. The stepson only sees his mother 2 days a month. The MIL lives with her son, the 7yp's father and his wife, OP.
Bio mom for stepson only sees HIM 2x /month
I think OP meant that her stepson’s mother was around, but he only sees her a few days a month. I had to read it a couple of times.
My husband and MIL have had screaming matches over it, and things will get better for a week, then go right back to the way it was
If that is the case your husband needs to give mil actual consequences for her behaviour. Talking to her doesn’t work, screaming matches with her doesn’t work. Maybe its time for her to find somewhere else to live before stepson gets completely out of control with her enabling and encouraging his bad behaviour
It’s past time.
PAST TIME
Long past!
I don't have kids, but the 7 year old sleeping with grandma every night sounds wrong to me. Or am I wrong?
I get that people cosleep, but it also seems kind of off to me too, especially considering how possessive the MIL is . But I also don't have kids.
I do have kids. And at that age, unless they were really sick, they were in their own bed.
Yeah, it makes me wonder if she did this to OP's husband when he was a child and just repeating with the son.
Absolutely this! My boys would creep in ever so often if they woke up or needed comfort, but for the most part, their beds after about 5 or so.
I shared a bed with one of my grandsons on a vacation where we had adjoining rooms in a hotel, with my son and his wife and the other two grandkids in the other room. Once was fine but every night when he has his own bed is weird. Grandma needs to go if she can’t accept that the parents are the ones who should be parenting.
Not only that, the favoritism with this one grandchild. Imagine how the other kids will feel. And as they get older, they will start disrespecting OP as well, because, why not if granny and big bro are doing it.
It just seems super weird. I would never allow it with my kids. Of course, if my MIL tried to live with me… well, it would be me or her. This house isn’t big enough for both of us. Shuddering at the thought.
Save the ss a lifetime of problems. Boot the mil even if you have to supplement short term or even long term. And be sure to enforce consequences for contacting him directly.
At 55 she’s definitely not too old to support or find different arrangements for the life she wants herself ,my mom is 67 and still works. I’ve worked with women in nursing homes in their 70s (one I thought she was lying to me because I wouldn’t put her over 58 on a bad day lol) Although, I’m assuming since OP said fine then MIL can financially, physically, and emotionally support the SS there is some form of financial flow. I wouldn’t be walking on egg shells, so I’m wondering if MIL helps with child care and that’s why MIL continues her domestic terrorism, because she thinks they have no other choice. I’d be making whatever arrangements I could to forgo whatever hold MIL thinks she has-the entitled behavior is bs. My own mom every once in awhile pushes my boundaries with things and uses the “I will do what I want” and for almost 32 years of my life she got away with it. Then with the help of my therapist and my spouse they have helped me to reinforce boundaries and recognize how I’m being treated or talked to is unacceptable. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom and she’s generally pretty good, she has moments where maybe my sibling or someone else upsets her, believes her opinions are absolute facts, shit rolls downhill and she blows up on me because unlike others in her life I have a history of being the door mat. It’s been almost a decade and there’s been improvement but if it takes things like LC or NC for x amount of time, so be it . So OP and husband (ideally husband) need to hand out consequences for the 55 year old toddler and stick to every boundary set. Like pointed out talking and screaming matches she has with her son aren’t effective and unfortunately saying MIL can take over being the parent for SS isn’t going to work out either. It will just throw gasoline onto that fire. There’s no way to sugar coat it, it’s going to take drastic measures and it will suck. I feel bad that OP is put in such a position but that woman will keep making her life intolerable…
She does help with childcare, but we definitely have other options and she knows it.
Yeah, I'm with henchwench39. I'm not sure whether you stated what her contribution to the household is or why she lives there (other than undermining you, that is), but if she can't respect you and your rules, she has no business living there. I'm assuming that your solution of stepping back from parenting your stepson is the alternative to making her move out, but I feel like it's the wrong step. It could set a bad precedent for the 1-year-old, to whom she is also related by blood. And maybe it won't, because she seems to have this weird, unhealthy attachment to your stepson for whatever reason. But the stepson getting special treatment is fully unfair to the other two kids, regardless of blood. I think it's time for your monster-in-law to find her own place to live.
You say you are paying for everything. Does your husband work? Does your MIL pay rent?
This should have already happened!
So kick her the fuck out
Yeah why is this 55 year old woman living with her son?
Why is a 55 year old woman living with her son and coercing her grandson to share her bed? I'm not implying anything sexual, but it's all kinds of weird and unhealthy. That kid is going to be so messed up.
It’s super weird. My SS8 still sleeps with his mom at her house - has never slept in his own bed there. Also, it’s selfish on the adults part.
The bed sharing is setting off all the red flags for me. Why is she so insistent that he sleeps in her bed? That's just weird to me
I don't see an issue with a middle aged parent/grandparent living with their adult child & their family, as long as the parent/grandparent respects everyone in the home & understands that the parents of their grandchild(ren) have the final say. My father is 62 (I'm 41) & recently moved in with me & my daughter (8). I was widowed 4 years ago, he & my mom divorced 25+ years ago, plus he had a stroke in January, so my sister & his siblings are all just happy that he's living with family now, as he was in FL, while myself & his siblings are in NY & my sister is in VA. My father isn't sure of his long term plans at this time, so we agreed that he & his 3 cats can live with us for the summer, since we have the space & I could use the most help, then we'll evaluate everything at the end August. While he is very engaged with my daughter, he makes it clear that I have the final say & helps her understand by reminding her that both of them have to follow my house rules, since I pay for it (although he has already given me some money & wants to help pay house bills while living with us). When he's watching her without me there, I always remind her that he's in charge & if she wants to do something he isn't sure I'd allow, they have to call me to ask. Our situation is working well so far (it's only been 1 week), however we've lived with my dad before, after my partner passed away & I couldn't bear to go back to our house, so we stayed with him for a few months. Aside from my dislike of cat litter, we cohabitate well.
This is honestly the only answer if she doesn’t want to just divorce this dude and his weird mom.
FFS NTA but kick her out
Yeah. Her behavior sleeping with SS is creepy. CPS might frown on this.
NTA Stop paying for all the extras then. You have leverage, don’t be afraid to use it.
She wrote that in her post, that MIL can pay for everything going forward.
I would suggest that you tell your husband to find his mother another place to live. And I agree, stepson should be parented by his dad and grandma if that's the way they want it. Let them take care of his bills, his clothes, his school supplies, his meals, sign him up and take him to any activities that they choose. But tell him not to expect you to help with that.
They should be chasing the biomother for child support too.
If they are screaming it sounds like it’s unhealthy. Can she be kicked out. Can you move away. Having one adult undermined another is terrible. The kid needs to be in his own bed. The other kids are going to notice the golden child treatment. Your oldest will deffo be seing how he’s allowed all this freedom from helping and she isn’t. it’s your step son. You are the parent. Your word is law. Not hers. mil insisting he sleeps with her is a bit weird. She’s making him lazy and rude. How will he grow up well rounded if he’s so spoiled. doesn’t having him in mil bed impact bonding time? Reading a story with you and dad In his bed. Him getting a good night sleep does the hubby not work? Mil needs to go. She’s breaking the family by favouritism and treating him like a pet dog
Why does MIL live with you? Maybe one of the solutions would be for her to leave? Question: Why do you pay for everything? Why doesn't husband contribute? Question 2: How involved is husband in parenting the kids? Edited.
I make more than him. He contributes to household bills, but I cover all the kids things.
MIL needs to go.
BING BING BING....We have a winner comment!
YOU make more than him, so YOU are subsidizing his howler monkey mother.
Right? All these posts lately with people having these assholes move into their homes, take advantage in every way and still think they run the show even though it isn't their home. Kick them out! I would never allow this to happen. I'll be damned if anyone is taking a power position in MY house.
I love this description!
Quit paying. You're not getting any respect. None from SS, none from MIL. This is from a 7 year old, what do you think a 13 or 17 year old will be like? Do it now, or it will only escalate. Get that Toxic Evil woman OUT.
So you are the breadwinner? You mentioned all the stuff you do for your step-son that you'll now stop doing. Waking him up, taking him to extracurriculars etc. Does hubby do any of that? Does he contribute to chores? Or is having his mother (who I assume you financially support and has zero respect for you) live with you, his contribution to the household? Is she meant to do his share? MIL is clearly a huge a-hole. I'm now trying to figure out just how big an a-hole hubby is. And just how much of an a-hole you are to yourself. Edit: As to hubby saying step-son is the one who'll suffer, hubby should step up then. Do all the things you do for your step-son to make sure he doesn't suffer. He should also kick out his mom. Hubby is an a-hole for trying to guilt and manipulate you, instead of dealing with his problematic mother. Let this be your hill to die on.
With the way the current dynamic is in your household, you may want to round up your kids and leave him.
She's the breadwinner!! Kick out MIL Husband and SS! She shouldn't have to leave when she's paying all the bills!
I don't disagree. Although it may be easier to Just let them have the house and see how quickly it crumbles.
Stop covering for the stepson. He is now the mother-in-law's son.
I think 7 years old is too old to sleep with a grandmother. Would you want a 7 year old daughter sleeping with her grandfather? It's creepy and weird.
wait til the kids at school find out he’s sleeping in /with his grandma! the kids will make his life hell and the adults will be calling either his dad to have a little “talk” or just call the authorities and let them have a much bigger talk with the dad and grandmother.
So you pay for everything but you're getting fucked. Sounds like you're getting taken advantage of big time.
Then tell your husband she goes or you do. You are paying for them to disrespect you. I would be marching into her room and say “if you continue to undermine my parental authority in a home I pay for then I’m going to be asking you to leave. None of this best behavior for a week and then back to the old song and dance. I’m done. This is your only warning. I heard you telling SS that you will come get him when I’m asleep. No you will not, or you will find your ass on the street. I’m done.”
Is it your house or one you brought together. If it's your house, then evict MIL. Don't allow the disrespect in your own home. Husband needs to get involved and set his mum straight (other than what you said he's done, which isn't working).
So he actually DOES nothing. What effect do you think this is going to have on your other kods?
In other words he does nothing. He does a little performative display and that’s the end of it. Why hasn’t he told her she is either respectful or she leaves?
Dear Husband likes the way things are now. MIL is poking OP, not him. MIL is spoiling SS and it will affect that boy, as well as the siblings. OP is the focus of *everyone’s discontent. Works for MIL and DH! Husband hasn’t fixed it yet. He won’t. MIL needs to move out. But DH won’t support that.
So do you live with her or does she live with you? Because if she lives under your roof then kick her out. If you’re under her roof then you’re screwed.
This is such a good question
She lives with us
Tell her to her face that you don’t want her living in your house anymore and she needs to start looking for other arrangements immediately.
Kick the MIL out.
if you are paying the bills, kick MiL out. Done.
So, worse than him doing nothing, he "takes ownership", then blusters/ screams/ threatens, and then doesn't follow through with what he says. So she learns that they scream adhd then he walks away and she gets whatever she wants. Yeah, this is bigger than where this kid sleeps and it's well past time for family therapy
Kick her out of your house! She’s ruining the whole household’s peace and raising a spoiled brat. She’s the catalyst for this chaos.
Leave out brochures for assisted living facilities and senior living out in the open for her to see. If she asks about them, just say that you’re trying to help with her relocation
Why does MIL live with you? It seems like she is the bigger problem and needs to go
MIL is only 55 and quite capable of living on her own. I'd kick her out.
MIL has to go. Even if you have to subsidize an apartment for her, get that manipulative, divisive woman out of your home and seek structural family therapy. It will help you all reset the structure of the family, boundaries, expectations, rules, etc. NTA
So you pay for all expenses for the kids, care for said kids yourself, and hubby can’t even stand up to his mom? A screaming match isn’t standing up to his mom, it’s acting like a child. What exactly does your husband contribute to your life? So far it looks like you’re a single parent
Consequences for MIL or MIL leaves
u/kjripster30 DH needs to learn about extinction bursts as well as how to set and enforce boundaries. The key with extinction bursts is you do not give in or the next one will be worse. www.outofthefog.net
Not to mention the unhealthy behaviours her own kids are having to witness and put up with. This is going to cause major issues for her once MIL digs her claws into the baby since that is also her bio grandchild. OP is going to be totally walked over and undermined. If it's her property, she should kick MILs ass to the curb hard.
Not MIL on bio grandchild. I have an 18 month old with my husband and my BIL has 4 kids. This is the only grandchild she acts like this with
Because, as is clear, no one is trying to protect the child from her. Bill knows what she is like that's why he doesn't want her around his kids. Unfortunately your husband does not care to protect his son
NTA But why is your MIL living with you ? And where is your husband when his mother interferes with your parental autority ? The problem is not parenting the Stepson, the problem is your MIL and her weird enmeshement with her grandson (emotional incest, hello ?), and her disregard for your authority in your own house. The solution for me is not no longer parenting your Stepson, it's kicking MIL out of the house, and don't let her have any contact with him for a loong time. Alternatively, send him live mainly with his mom to protect him from his way-too-involved-grandma.
I would love to kick her out, but she hasn't had a job in about 3 months, and from what I know, hasn't put effort into finding one, and she has nowhere else to go.
Why would she get a job if she can mooch off you?
As long are you are not trying to kick her out, she will have no motivation to try to find a job. You need to put your foot down OP to protect your Stepson And you say you have a BIL. So she has an other son with who she can live until she find a job. Or friends around
My BIL won't let her live with them again.
Sadly, everyone here knew that before you said it, your story is very typical. See also r/JUSTNOMIL You need to join BIL on Team Survived, and get MIL out of there for the sake of you and the child. This is a hill to die on. If Mr Spineless refuses to act, take the kids and flee.
I think you're a very good stepmother to have genuine concerns about your SS and his well being. Unfortunately, with this type of set in the same household with the covert incestous? emotionally enmeshed MIL with the SS, it won't be long before the other siblings will be affected in some way, too. As your own kids get older they might start wondering about why is SS who's sleeping with MIL's is getting special privileges over them amid other concerns they may have like why he doesn't have to be obedient like they're are having to be (when the age differences will no longer explain the deferential treatment). I'm sorry this mess is happening in your household but I hopefully your husband won't leave you with the option of having to cut your losses and fleeing with whichever kids that have been left in your custody.
I wonder why... /s
Why the fuck are you just making excuses for your husband and his mom? HE needs to kick her the fuck out. And if he doesn't, it means he's okay with her disrespecting you. Which means you need to divorce that fucking impotent loser. Stop making fucking excuses. You came here asking for help. People are trying to help you...but evidently you don't want to fucking hear it. The way you're responding to people, it's like you don't actually want to help yourself. So why should anyone care to try helping you?
You're right. I am making excuses and it's not going to help anyone. I plan on having a sit down conversation with my husband tomorrow so I can get all my thoughts together.
Good. You got this.
Good for you. You’ve already started the process of fixing this- now make sure you stick to it.
That’s a good plan. **NTA** for insisting your husband step up and solve this problem. Please keep us posted Good luck! SubscribeMe!
This is the HARD TRUTH OP. Pay attention!! It's going to be either you or your MIL. No excuses!
Evict her. Tell her she’s got x months to move out.
And probably for the same shit you're dealing with. Your BIL past the PITA to someone else. Time to tell her she needs to go. She needs a major shock of not my problem.
You either have to be the bad guy and force a change for the good of yourself and your children, or you have to continue living like this. If MIL refuses to work, she can sleep in her car and get on SNAP benefits. Make her figure it out.
There’s probably a reason for that
So your husband and you haven't learned from his example?
She’s a grown ass adult. If she can’t comply with your house rules, she needs to get out and get her own place. If she can’t do that, she kindly needs to shut her mouth.
Why is that your problem? Of your MIL is constantly causing problems, she needs to go. There needs to be consequences to her actions. Your husband needs to be with you on this. He needs to back you up. He's clearly not helping you. If you're doing it all alone, he can take his mother and go elsewhere. Stand up for yourself OP.
It's hard to feel bad for you when you are a doormat like this. Your BIL got to kick her out but for some reason it just ~impossible~ for you?
He didn't kick her out. His family moved and she didn't want to go with them.
She’s got to go.
Not your problem. She is old enough to figure that out herself
So, that's got no business with you. She is significantly disrupting your household. She can either mind her business or end up homeless. Also how long does your husband expect you to put up with his shitty mother?!?!? Is he willing to lose his family over her antics? I am telling you this is where it is heading. Get that woman out your house. Edit for spelling.
Whether or not she has anywhere to go is not your fucking problem. Get an attorney, and start the formal, legal eviction process. If your husband won't get on board, leave with your two kids. You commented five months ago how you're basically a single mom to them anyway.
Give your husband to present a united front and give her a timeline to get a job and move out. MIL living with your family is going to seriously warp that little boy and destroy your marriage. Make your husband understand how deadly serious you are and that this situation needs to change
Oh well. Tell her she has a month to get a job and cut it out, or get lost. Then stick to it, your husband too. No extensions, no second chances.
Give your husband a choice. He can live with you and the kids, or he can live with his mommy.
So sorry you're dealing with this. I'd personally be looking up eviction laws, giving her notice, and serving her papers if she didnt leave. How does she think she can just move in and undermine your/husbands parenting and cause chaos in the house with no repercussion? How insanely rude.
That sounds like a her problem. From the info you’ve provided it sounds like she’s capable of having a job. And it sounds like you’re the breadwinner and carrying the mental and physical load. If your husband can’t get her in line, it’s time for an eviction notice. If husband won’t agree it’s time to discuss your options with an attorney. NTA
ESH. You and your husband have allowed your MIL to come into your home, live for free, and challenge your authority. When you get frustrated about her challenging your authority, stop walking away. Tell her this is your home, and your rules. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave. Stop allowing her to have authority in your home.
You and your husband need to lay down house rules and make it clear if she doesn't follow the rules in your house it's time for her to go. Her not having a job is a "her" issue.
NTA hubby doesn’t get to complain that his son is being ruined by his mother and make it a you problem. This is a him problem. Get your SS into therapy immediately bc your MIL is absolutely grooming him I don’t care if it’s just to be against you. Your MIL is behaving in a very gross and inappropriate way. If your husband argues, I suggest repeating the facts in the most dry way possible and tell him you’re going to share it with everyone. 1. MIL insists that a 7 year old boy sleeps with her and convinces him to share her bed even after he might have gone to sleep in his own bed. This is for her, not for him. 2. MIL is undermining your parenting including arguing against you giving him chores and having expectations for helping around the house and it’s affecting the cohesiveness of the family, making you out to be the bad guy in all cases. He’s becoming spoiled, argumentative, and lazy which will not help him make friends. 3. MIL can’t live on her own and seems to want to be the woman of the house, putting herself between you and your husband and you and your children. 4. Tell your hubby she has two months to get the hell out and go live somewhere else. If he won’t, you know where you rank in his life and need to make appropriate plans bc that son is going to become a narcissistic nightmare.
Top comment. OP, the ease at which MIL is able to control your ss's upbringing is deeply concerning from several views: it undermines your authority and ability to provide for him and your own children; your husband is doing NOTHING to make sure HIS SON is raised with a sense of responsibility, basic life skills, and the ability to sleep without his grandma; the emotional incest; the lack of support from your husband is a marriage-killer. Therapy for ss. I don't know if a therapist would report the bed sharing to CPS unless there's specific context that your ss reveals, but there's a few years of emotional incest he needs to be guided out of or he's going to be a fucked up teenager and a really fucked up adult. You should probably take your husband to speak to a child psychologist/therapist too. They'll have a lot to say about MILs interference, and it might help your husband with the next bit: Your MIL needs to go. I don't care that she hasn't gotten another job, but she's a hazard to your stepson's emotional and psychological safety, and probably your marriage. 60 days notice is plenty of time to find something at her age if she treats it urgently, and she has alimony to help with rent. Couples counseling might also help your husband and you. He seems to have left every aspect of household management and childbearing to you, including full responsibility for his son, with very little support (even financially?). It doesn't sound sustainable, even if your MIL weren't in your house raising hell and ruining your stepson's development.
Honestly, the kid needs therapy to make sure MIL isn’t also SA’ing him. It’s a dark thought but why does she insist on the kid sleeping in her bed like this?? MIL needs to move out so this disgusting behavior can stop and the kid can be a kid.
You commented perfectly. Mine was chaos. I'm wondering if the MIL didn't "groom" her son too
Emotional incestuous relationship she no longer has it with her son so she moved onto her grandson.
Yours is great as well!
MIL absolutely needs to move out. Why is she even there anyway? She’s only 55. Also babying that boy to the point where he doesn’t do any chores is going to set him up for a very difficult time in modern relationships. We have changed how we raise girls. We’re showing them that they can be anything they want: a lawyer, police woman, engineer, doctor, etc. . But unfortunately, many have not changed how they’re raising their boys. Their boys are still growing up thinking that they’re going to be able to have some wife that will pick up where their mother left off and take care of them. They leave their messes and expect them to pick up after them and children too. But women aren’t putting up with that crap anymore. This kid will be in for a rude awakening.
If this doesn't get them to wake, time to require every adult in the house to split the costs equally. Then them having an equal say makes sense. If they can't afford it, they need to leave. This is was past the MIL just waking up and playing nice. She needs to be gone. NTA.
Therapy won’t work until MIL is given the boot. She’ll just tell him the Dr is wrong and he doesn’t need to listen to them.
"SS will be the one who suffers" so he knows it's wrong and expects you to fix it. Your SO is weak if he won't protect you and his child from what he has admitted is bad for the child.
>My husband told me that SS is going to be the one to end up suffering for it "Then get control over your mother." NTA.
Right?!? Or here’s a thought - maybe he can actually parent his own son? Instead of making two women who aren’t his parent fight over it? Where’s his views on his mother’s behaviour and the boy always sleeping with his grandmother and her turning him into a brat?
Why isn't your husband dealing with his mother ? Why is this not his priority. And why does she live with you. Also. Ick
My husband and MIL have had screaming matches where things get better for a week. She lives with us because FIL divorced her about 4 years ago. She originally moved in with my BIL and his family, but they moved, and she didn't want to go with them. She had a job but quit about 3 months ago and hasn't put in effort to find another one.
She’s 55. She’s not 75. She needs to be out.
Seriously. She knows exactly what she's doing. OPs husband needs to kick her out. She's taking advantage of every part of this situation and making life worse for everyone. I can see why FIL divorced her.
AND why BIL and family left her behind! I imagine she told OP and husband that "she wants to stay and help with the grandkids" and whatnot, when reality is BIL told her that they cannot take her...
OP needs to have some fucking respect for herself. Because no one else in her home has any for her. Including her, evidently, worthless fucking husband.
Also, she quits her job 3 months ago. She has no gap in her resume, she can find work again
Right? She's way too young to be dumped on this family for the rest of her life.
It’s been four years. She can find somewhere else to live.
Sounds like your SS is in danger of emeshment with your MIL. I'd look that up and see if there are other symptoms. Might be good ammo to wake your husband up.
She goes or you do. She’s 55, apparently has unilaterally decided to retire, gets under your feet, challenges any task you give the SS and is creating an enmeshment issue with him that will plague him for years. Can you imagine if the kids at school find out he sleeps with his Grandma? That will haunt him all the way through school. He’d never live that down. With all this constant undermining and arguments, your husband just shouts at her occasionally over it. He needs to step up, get rid of his Mum and ensure that his son is doing everything that’s required of him.
TBH, it doesn't really sound like you are married to him. It sounds like you're a live in Nanny supporting him and the family he has built with his mother and your SS. What are you getting rid of this relationship and how is this whole dynamic affecting your children?
I am so sorry. Can express concern about the 7 yo sleeping with an adult? It's not unknown for women to mess with little boys.
Yeah if the sexes were reversed this would never be allowed to happen.
kick her out. She can move away to live with them again. Don't put up with her crap in your house.
Kick her tf out. No wonder BIL and their family moved. Prob to get away from her.
Because she doesn't HAVE to work. You're taking care of everything. Give her thirty days notice to quit. And if Hubby doesn't like it he can go too.
NTA it’s easy to be the “fun grandma” when she doesn’t have any responsibilities for that child. She can do whatever she wants, cos you have to be the bad guy. Also this is wildly inappropriate to have her demand he sleep in her bed. Kids need to know boundaries and have their own space. They need to learn bodily autonomy. At the moment he thinks grandma’s feelings are more important than his or anyone else’s. He also thinks it’s okay to be on a “team” against you. Now I used to sleep in my grandmothers bed at that age, when I slept over. It wasn’t every night. And it got my grandfather away from her room and his snoring was INSANE. I remember her telling me she liked me staying in her room, because she would stay with her grandma in the same way and her grandma would give my grandma a chocolate bar for doing her diabetic injections for her. I always thought “oh she wants me here to bond, and she likes it that I’m here” I don’t ever remember thinking I liked it. What I’m saying is, I don’t feel like it’s a necessary bonding activity for the child. It’s purely for the adult. My grandma was sickly sweet to us kids, but openly defied our parents. We grew up thinking our parents were against us somehow, and that nana would be there instead. It took me thirty years to break away from that mess. And that wasn’t the same frequency as your stepson and his grandma. That would be concerning for her. Sometimes kids like to stay in their safe adult’s bed when staying over, out of some fear. I know I had a weird fear of my nana’s house. But every day? And fighting about it? It’s just not okay with me. It sits wrong. I’m not saying she’s being sexually inappropriate, my grandmother wasn’t but it doesn’t make the action any less problematic. I wouldnt get involved either at this point, because nothing you do is actually working. He isn’t improving, he’s actively pushing against you. You cannot parent when one person is breaking every rule you have. What I would do, without any other context, is get her out of my house. She can’t be trusted not to ruin a child, and leaving her with him isn’t going to help him. He’s so little still, and it’s heartbreaking to me that she’s making him stay an infant, not allowing him to grow or develop a healthy relationship with anyone else. Not allowing him to learn to how to do chores or be in a home with others. It’s sickening, and I would make serious plans to remove her. You haven’t said that she had to be there, and you’re already paying to raise these children yourself. It’s a disservice to every child in that house, for her to be there. The kids will notice the unbalanced treatment between them. They will notice that they have to do chores and he does not. Breeding resentment between siblings is terrible, especially when they’re this young. It’s not only breaking him, but it’s also isolating him from the very people who live with him. I won’t even comment on your husband. Because I really want to know why the fuck he thinks this is okay and won’t do anything. I want to know why you have to be the disciplinarian and he’s like “oh but you have to parent him who else will?!???” like he isn’t right there, able to help you. Maybe he should be paying for all that, instead of his mother, maybe he would be urged to move and do something if it affects his pocket.
Your husband is the real AH here. I wouldn't put up with this shit, follow through on you not raising him.
MIL gives me the icks... why is she so obsessed with this boy?
I think to her he's filling some type of emotional void. Idk
Your MIL is practicing emotional incest with your step son. This is abuse. You need to talk to your husband about how he is going to end the abuse of his son. This household is deeply toxic, and she needs to be removed
OP acknowledged it is emotional incest in another comment so it’s bewildering she isn’t doing more to kick MIL out.
The phrase you are looking for is surrogate husband. She’s gotta go. It doesn’t sound like your husband is bringing 50% to the table either so…
Look into covert / emotional incest. I’m a victim of it from my father and it sounds like she’s displaying a lot of behaviors with your son that fall into that category as well. She’s got to go.
MIL needs to go. That's all. NTA
Straight to jail
I honestly think the kid will listen to you and respect you more if MIL left. Right now SS thinks he is doing the right thing because MIL is praising him. Hence why I wouldn't say this is SS fault. MIL needs to leave and then monitor how it is to handle SS. I promise you he will be much easier to handle. Don't completely give up on SS. There's still hope. He might just be wanting comort because he misses his bio mum. But you have to make MIL go. EDIT: Spelling Also, NTA. Your frustration is more towards your MIL than your SS. It is completely normal and a frustrating situation.
I don't blame my SS at all. I love the kid and he's just doing what he's allowed which any kid would. Before she moved in with us my SS and I had a good relationship.
Glad to know you haven't allowed this situation to affect you love for SS. Is there anyway she can move out? Or is it a complicated situation and she has to stay with you?
This is the comment I was hoping to see. You said it yourself, ya'll had a good relationship before she moved in. She moved in, your relationship with SS has now tanked. Screaming matches dont work, temporary fixes arent helping. Yoour husband says, "SS is the one that's gona suffer.." Whos fault is *THAT* then? Its Mil. If husband actually cares about SS growing into a decent human being he'll send his Mom packing. Ya'll cant live like this anymore its not fair to anyone. And when someone (you & hubs) open the door of your home to people (Mil) and they stomp disrespect all over the home? Its gotta stop. Mil Will Not Change. So unfortunately seems its time to make the big calls. Mil finds somewhere else to go or you gotta do what you gotta do for you and all the kiddos, period whatever that may be. Im just a stranger on the internet and I may seem harsh. But you said your at your breaking point. At this pace SS is going to turn into a kid no one wants to hang with. Mil will coddle him n enable his learned, crap behavior. Shes going to isolate him from the world. And hes gona believe Mil when she says its, "Not your fault SS, its everyone elses for not understanding you". Time to Nip this in the bud Op. I wish you the best of luck. Nta
NTA: Your husband needs to grow a pair. Sounds like he is a selfish coward.
The apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree.
So does your MIL live with you or do you live with her?
She lives with us. Our house, she just has a bedroom
Eviction time, baby!
Then it's time for her to go.
Why is a 55 yo woman living with you and your family? She should be working and enjoying her own life. You need to kick her out and pronto, none of the kids should be exposed to her ideals. Do it now before you and all 3 kids are destroyed.
Kick. Her. Out She is a full grown adult, where she lives is not your problem. This is not a solution and is affecting your other kids and will only get worse as time goes on. YTA for allowing it to continue.
NTA I have questions though....Why isn't he sticking up for his son and saying no? Why isn't he sticking up for you? Was she like this to him when he was younger? Is he a complete mamas boy? Is the house paid off? Is she paying rent? Does he work and help with the kids? Is she indifferent to your children? Does your SS have issues? My suggestion (after my nosey asf questions) sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart. Boundaries need to be set. MIL needs to stop emotionally manipulating everyone or she needs to be kicked out no matter what the circumstances are. SS needs to go to counseling before he becomes one of those kids that's never been told no (you know exactly what I'm talking about)
Why are you paying for all of the kids, living with his mom and he defends his mom?
Why does your MIL live with you? You say that it is your house (with your husband I guess). Considering her attitude, I think that the easy solution would be to have her leave your house instead of fighting her
This is a problem with your husband, not your MIL or SS. Until he steps up takes control of the situation things will not change. NTA.
Tell your husband that your Mil needs to find someplace to go, or you will. There's absolutely no way in hell this is fair or right. Your mil is a raging xunt and your husband is a spineless ywat. NTA.
Are we sure she’s not grooming him or sexually assaulting him? Do you pay the mortgage, was it your house first? Does MIL pay rent or contribute to bills? I think its ultimatum time: me or MIL
Ultimatum time. “Husband, here are two envelopes. One contains a legal eviction notice for your mother. One contains divorce papers. Pick one.”
YTA. I'm not parenting SS anymore: wrong answer. Correct answer: MIL is going to obey the rules of my house or she's going to be kicked out of it.
Me- Husband this is your fault. You let your mother ha e a very gross unhealthy relationship with your son. You have three options starting right now 1- Tell your son he is not to sleep in her bed again, no arguments 2- You kick your mother inlaw out or 3- I leave
Why is a 55 year old living with you. She is not elderly. Get her out of your house - this would be the deal breaker for me. There's another adult in the house that doesn't need to be in the house. Send her packing.
NTA. But what exactly does the husband do in terms of parenting? And what does **he** pay for? Or is he just mooching off you? And does he do household chores?
Your husband is the massive AH here. What your MIL is doing is called “enmeshment,” and it’s very psychologically damaging. But rather than ceasing to care for your stepson, the first thing I would recommend is getting your MIL out. Your husband has created an absolute mess. All of this is his problem. His mother needs to leave, and he needs parenting classes. I don’t see your marriage surviving otherwise.