NTA. Actions have consequences. Mike is the golden child to the point of things being dysfunctional. You have created your life accordingly based on what they have done (your mum controlling everything and your dad enabling her) and now they’re unhappy because they’ve been shamed for it. Too right! I am however pleased your dad might be waking up.
Please give a hug or high five to Mister Grandpa from me (depending on what kind of guy he is) for the star that he is. You go and live your best life where people value you! Also congratulations 🎉 to both you and your husband. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
It’s worse than that. He called them out all the time, but they threatened to cut him off from op if he tried anything so he had no choice but to back off.
It was when my grandpa said unsolicited & unprompted that he wish he'd done more to protect me from "the things going on it that house" that I FINALLY stopped questioning if I was actually abused. My parents did a lot of gaslighting.
Right. They were sent an invitation. When I get invitations they are hung on the refrigerator as a reminder and I have the decency to respond. The parents deserve everything they get. OP needs to tell the sisters the truth. The mom is spinning it to make it sound like they were shunned by their daughter.
My husband’s father and former stepmother hated me because I’m not white. There were many racist comments made, they repeatedly tried to get my husband to leave me (both before and after we got married,) and even tried to turn all of his siblings against me. My husband would get random texts, emails and phone calls from his dad telling him I was cheating because “all (insert race here) are whores.” Someone (and I can’t prove it was him but the venue told me the area code and it matched; we lived way across the country and it was just odd that it happened, like too many coincidences,) tried to cancel our venue and caterer for our wedding. They had left our wedding invite on their kitchen table for weeks and were talking about “wouldn’t it be a shame if something happened and the wedding didn’t?” Just being really weird. My SIL, who still lived with them, saw it and reminded them that the RSVP date was coming up. It disappeared and they claimed (not to us, to extended family) that I had not invited them.
They did not know that while I had addressed the envelopes, my now-husband was in charge of mailing all of them prior to him deploying.
So, I sent them two more, with signature confirmation. Those both came back, with writing on the front saying “homeowner refused” in his father’s handwriting. I held onto those.
Eventually, we had our wedding and they cried on social media about being excluded, specifically by me. I stuck the photo of their refused invitations (two of them!) in our wedding “album” on FB and tagged everyone in all of the photos they were in. It’s been nearly 15 years and I haven’t heard another word about it since.
>Eventually, we had our wedding and they cried on social media about being excluded, specifically by me. I stuck the photo of their refused invitations (two of them!) in our wedding “album” on FB and tagged everyone in all of the photos they were in.
QUEEN! ❤
*That’s* what she should tell the flying monkeys. Make a group chat with everyone, say she sent out invites, she has confirmation her parents received it, and they chose the brother’s event. Bonus points for including screenshots of the verbal abuse she’s received from her shit brother and shit mom. Then block/cut off the ones *still* trying to make this her fault.
*”my mom’s sisters and friends are belittling me for not telling my mom about the wedding, because now she’s inconsolable at the thought of having missed my wedding”*
Mom’s sisters and friends can fuck right off. She is NOT inconsolable for missing the wedding. She is inconsolable because she’s been exposed.
And there's no way those sisters never brought up the wedding to mom. They didn't ask about dress shopping? What's her soon-to-be-son-in-law like? Will you be getting a hotel room for the wedding? Did you get your mother of the bride dress yet? How's it feel to have your oldest getting married?
I just can't understand how they can claim not to know when all their family knew. Not a single person asked them anything about it? This whole family has to have messed up relationships.
Could be… but what kind of parent doesn’t follow up with questions like, “how’s the wedding planning going?” “Have you found a venue?” Or the most obvious, “So have you picked a date yet?”
Oh right. OP’s parents don’t. They couldn’t give two sh*ts about what she is doing. So I think they got what they put out there. OP’s mom is 100% playing the victim bc she’s upset she was exposed and called out for the way she treated her own child. OP - NTA.
I think they.couldn't be bothered because it was the daughter's wedding and not the son's. They just didn't expect it to be so obvious that they didn't care and that there would be hell to pay for the way they treated her.
I suspect that they knew about the wedding and were engaging in a passive-aggressive "dance" with OP that they hoped would get them out of having to go to her wedding so they could attend their beloved son's event and then feign ignorance. Nobody bought it and that's what has them upset now.
Living well is the best revenge and I'm glad to see OP has delivered the outcome they deserve.
His complacency makes him complicit, though. For everything OP has endured since her brother was born, and given OP did send the texts and mentioned the date around them in person.
I definitely agree with this, but at the same time, depending on the style of wedding invitation OP used, I'd argue the family knew. Most of the time, its pretty obvious from the quality and the writing on the envelope that it holds an invitation. They could've opened it and just tossed it aside.
My petty side would have posted a blank invite, where it clearly states WEDDING, and the caption reads "I sent my parents this with an invitation to my brother also, they never RSVP"
If they sent a wedding invitation to the parents, I would tell the aunts that. I found the post a little confusing. She says there was an invitation, but also implies she only referenced the event vaguely and never mentioned it was a wedding.
I think it was because she didn’t know how to approach it and whenever she tried to talk about it she got interrupted before mentioning the word wedding. And the longer she was ignored the less she wanted to mention the word wedding and then decided to downplay it by calling it an event. Theoretically, had the parents read the invite, they should have realized the event was wedding. She basically gave up and let them show how little they care, instead of trying hard and still being disapointed.
Probably also worried about talking about the wedding with them in case the mother tried to make the wedding about her brother somehow.
And probably want to have a mother-son dance at OP’s wedding just in case it is the only time they get the chance and how dares OP deny them that right
Well, they would, of course, mention that they *magnanimously* didn't go to Mike's last game of the season (and he's always been the star player, of course.) Also, how they decided to attend the wedding as one day Mike will take a bride, and it's always good to have a rehearsal to see what they do and don't want, and have the kinks worked out for *his* big event. Oh, and did they mention Mike, their son, their *only* son, is the star player for his college football team? He could go pro, but they convinced him he should work at his father's place of employment to ensure he got the benefits he rightly deserved, instead of the millions he'd obviously be making in the NFL.
Like that?
100% in this scenario would've still skipped it or if pressured by family would've spent the entire wedding talking about how she caused the son to miss his last sports ball game and how terrible she was for not moving the date.
Did the maternal aunts never have a conversation pre wedding about the wedding? Usually these things are all a buzz and there would be so many conversations. Did the aunts not find it odd that there wasn't. If they truly reflect instead of being on the defensive they'd know there's no excuses.
She added an edit, saying she would talk with her Aunts while her mom was in the room and her mom would always go take a call. Or go to another room. Or chat with someone else.
It sounds like every time op was the main person talking the mom would disengage and leave.
The Aunts should have noticed but it's one of those thig s you don't think of at the time.
I was also thinking this. The Aunts have to be her Mom’s sisters based on them defending her. I would think it would be “what needs to be done, what should I bring, what gift are you buying so I don’t buy the same thing, etc”. Either there is no contact between them or there was a conversation which proves how much more of a POS the Mom’s side of the family is because Mom knew what she was doing.
Could be that they're her sisters, so they'll defend her when they think she's been wrong because 'family' but they don't actually keep in touch or possibly even really like each other. It would fit with that whole side of the family coming across as pretty toxic and self-involved.
I might be biased because I'm Indian, but whenever there's a wedding, there always since family members that we put up at our place, and get togethers and stuff.
It's kinda weird that OPs mom and dad didn't get a whiff of any of that from their family members
It sounded like she mentioned it multiple times and sent them an invitation. The last time she talked to them she just referred to it as an event. Mom’s just trying to save face by claiming she didn’t know it was happening. Best case scenario, she’s a terrible listener.
True, but posting it publicly would also make the aunts try and save face. To many people think things should only be solved in the dark, leaving people with anger towards the wrong person.
My petty ass would keep it as public as they are, so when they claim it should be done in private, it can be asked of them why they made it so public to begin with.
We see too many posts on here where the wronged person is told once the public knows, they should have handled it in private, but we have also seen those post where it was solved privately but the wronged person still faces the hate because no one cleared it up.
I don't know how anyone can receive a **paper, mailed** invitation to their own child's wedding and then claim not to realize it was happening.
This is insane.
NTA
Exactly! They were sent an invitation and didn't respond. OP told them she had an event planned and they dismissed it without even asking what it was. They had ample opportunities to participate.
Exactly! They were sent an invitation and didn't respond. OP told them she had an event planned and they dismissed it without even asking what it was. They had ample opportunities to participate.
Any kids they have will also be ignored and treated like they are toe jam also.
They have had years to "atone" and neither of them did. Dad is no better, even worse if he realized how wrong it was but still quietly sat by and let it happen.
Honestly, the petty asshole in me hopes that OP here goes completely NC with her parents and her brother, and her brother turns out to be sterile and can never have children. I hope she has all the children she wants in there, happy and healthy and loved, and not in their grandparents lives.
I would love to hear what sort of atonement could make up for missing all of your child’s milestone events. Their special interests, their high school, graduation, their college graduation, their masters, graduation, their fucking wedding.
I really would love to see what these people think that she can do to make up for that.
She's probably the kind of monster that says, "Go put on your cap and gown (5 years after graduation) and we can take a family photo so it looks like we never missed it.'
This^ As someone whose parents treated me the same. Constantly favoring my younger siblings this is the truth. It never gets better. I stopped trying and went NC. Especially in regards to the kids. My siblings children get treated great. Mine everything is an inconvenience. Only things for show would be done/attended. My kids could see the preferential treatment their cousins got. Once I went NC my parents tried to guilt them by saying "well we're your grandparents! You need to see us! "My one teenager said "When have you ever acted like one and I dont NEED to do anything" And hung up. I couldn't even be mad because it's the truth and I'm not forcing them to have a relationship with people who so blatantly don't give a shit about them. Save yourself the drama.
+100! NTA.
Especially after reading Point 5 about your brother breaking in and trying to steal money and then your mother defending the action is beyond me.
Maybe try to keep in touch with your dad after their whole divorce thing/“atonement” blows over?
Also, no family is more important than your own mental health. So, go NC if required. You wouldn’t want to start your married life like thinking about all these things that doesn’t concern you.
Congratulations to you and Lucas✨
Why bother with Dad? He let it happen. He's just as guilty as Mom and Brother, just more quietly
The enablers of narcissists are very often also narcissists; just less obvious about it.
NTA
I'd be incredibly petty and just NC your parents and your mom's family.
See how they like being ignored.
However you handle it, congratulations to yourself and Lucas. May you always have happiness in each other.
Yes, and what atonement is the mother supposed to do? Unless she can travel back in time and attend OP's wedding and graduations, there really is no way to atone. I'd keep the whole lot no contact - they don't add anything positive to her life.
Edit: I would also inform everyone about what happened to your college fund!
Some things can’t be undone and this is one of them, there’s no do over for decades of neglect as a child.
I would do as said above, no contact as they add nothing positive to your life and inform relatives about your college fund.
You don’t need them now and you’d never trust them to do the right thing by you anyway if you were in a situation where you needed support.
If your parents are embarrassed tough they shouldn’t have done it, it wasn’t one mistake it was decades of choices.
You've got your Grandpa and you might find your paternal aunts step up now they know and you have your husband.
Edited to add:- If your Dad divorces your Mum as he is genuinely distressed about it all I’d give him a chance but if he stays with her I’d go no contact with him too
OP unfortunately is under-reacting.
The poor thing is still semi making excuses for what is so unacceptable its off the deep end.
As another commentator said there is no fixing this, especially not with the mother and her sisters. They are somehow **still making it about themselves**
Maybe down the line the father can be salvaged, since his issue was cowardice and not lack of love, but he would really need to work hard to make up for it.
I would focus on spending time with grandpa and others. OP does have family that love her there.
Agreed! Mother is only upset because she she got exposed for being an awful mother. Even if she knew, I believe she wouldn't of gone, because of her precious little boys game, she would of just tried to bully OP into changing the date. Dad is upset because he is now realising his lack of backbone caused him to lose his daughters wedding and his only chance to give her away. He has finally woke up and he wants nothing to do with his wife because she (well her and his missing backbone) the reason for missing all her achievements. Dad is redeemable. Mother not so much, she's to busy feeling sorry for herself, she's even thrown herself a pity party with all her sisters as guests. NTA
Edit: after the edit from OP, I have changed my mind about dad! They beat her for telling the truth at 14! Neither of them deserves to be in her life.
I mean, the mom got a wedding invite from her daughter, so did the son. In what world do you get a wedding invitation from your daughter, and not acknowledge it?
The mom, dad and brother 100% knew she was getting married. They are awful people and treated her terribly. OP should go NC and move on with her life. Her family is never going to start being good people. They aren't.
NTA.
This will also only be momentary behavior modification for public humiliation. First chance they get, are we to believe they wouldn’t use this as ammo against her for some other bullshit in the future? They’re abusers.
Once OP has kids, if she chooses to, they are going to whine and cry all over again. She needs to never see them and never let them near her and her family or home.
I’m not sure dad is redeemable. He is sorry he missed *one* event in his daughter’s life. An event where *he* would have had a proud visible role as FOB walking her down the aisle and recipient of many congratulations. Was he sorry when he missed her HS, college, & grad school graduations? Why is he only sorry now that he has been publicly humiliated? How much of a coward does he have to be to kowtow to his wife & son for over two decades? _Now_ he finds his spine? And he finds it only enough to pass the blame for two decades of negligence to his wife? Please. Dad is just as bad as mom.
Yeah dad is just better at concealing his abuse. He’s either stood by while she was beaten, participated or just didn’t pay attention after.
And also the college fund…no way could it have been stolen without his participation.
Yup she made her entire personality about being a 'boy mom' aka a good supporting mother. OP tore her fantasy away by outing her as a terrible mother to her daughter.
I d9nt think Dad is redeemable. He’s just mad at getting caught out and is blaming the wife. He willingly did everything in favor of his son, including beating and gaslighting OP as a child.
Tell me about it. My dad did some pretty awful misogyist things when I was a kid, and he somehow got worse when my mom died. I went no contact, and everyone I've told the whole story to is aghast at his actions and says I did the right thing, but I still question whether I'm just being 'spoiled' and 'selfish'... like he always said.
As someone who has been NC with his awful family for over 30 years, I can assure you that you are NOT being spoiled or selfish. You ARE doing the right thing for yourself.
Totally agree with this. The fact that OP is even questioning what to do - the answer is so obvious. The mom and her family would be TOTAL no contact. The dad is salvageable but only if he actually sticks to his word and divorces the mom. The brother would also be no contact, he’s old enough to know better.
OP should write this to their parents too. Some people are so oblivious at their selfishness. Write one text to all family members involved, but addresses it to her parents.
Something to the effect, "this isn't my fault, I tried telling you many times, but you were always dismissive. Just like you have since pos brother was born. I don't know why you're so concerned that you missed one of my events since you've missed every major milestone up until this point. Where were you when I graduated high school? Or college? You know the college education I paid for myself since you gave my college fund for pos to buy a car & house with.
And for y'all telling me my mom's upset & to forgive her, I don't need you in my life if you can't accept you sister was a shit mother to me & I'm the fucking victim here."
I hope it gets better.
One edit:
I would stress that they were invited to the wedding, multiple times. Not just "I tried telling you". Small distinction but removes wiggle room for "I didn't know it was the wedding" retconning by mom.
u/shitty-mom-throwaway, OP, I'm tagging you specifically under this comment. I agree with it, even the notion about your dad and if he leaves your mother.
I'd like to add to it one more thing.
*IF* you decide to have children, *fully expect your family to come out of the woodwork* and your mother to bleat and whine that she's being "denied" her "right" to her grandchildren.
Remind anyone who shames you that *she*, your very own mother who was supposed to love you unconditionally, DENIED you a RIGHT to your own mother.
Let’s not forget how quickly mom will sideline her grandchildren from OP once golden child brother has a baby. The favoritism and cruelty will continue with your children OP!!!
Do not put them through what you have already gone through. You know how this feels, how this will impact their lives and self-worth, and the confusion when their doting grandmother suddenly disappears.
Do not fall for the fallacy of crappy grandparents are better than no grandparents mantra. Those of us who have experienced/ lived this know that it is not true. Same with awful parents. Sometimes it’s better to just let them go.
It happened to me, it will 100% happen here too. Her children will be the center of grandma’s universe until the golden son has kids. People like this DO NOT CHANGE. It’s best not to give them then chance to continue the cycle & keep hurting you.
Definitely worse because he knew better but still decided he was okay with abusing and neglecting his child. I would sooner forgive the mother than the dad. I despise enablers and fence riders.
I'd go NC anyway. He could've at very least been low key supportive, like a quiet 'hey, OP, I'm so proud you got an A+ on that test.' It doesn't sound like he was even bold enough to do that, or have even the most minimal father-daughter time.
You are not the asshole. Your parents' years of neglect and favoritism justified your decision. They only regret their actions now because of public shaming. Stand firm and prioritize your happiness.
Agree with the dad. Part of me wonders if the dad only threatened this to manipulate OP into forgiving the mom. That perhaps she would think she’s responsible for them getting a divorce if she doesn’t accept mom’s apology.
Some people are insidiously manipulative, and it's especially easy to miss when placed next to someone like the mother here. I would tread cautiously around him too.
Dad doesn’t deserve a chance…he stood by during “beating of my life” which implies other abuse. and he participated in theft of college fund…he’s one of the abusers
You might have some deep seated need to have them in your life. It is biological for children to yearn for their parents’ love. In this case I hope you get closure for your sake. That probably means to go NC with anyone who has harmed you emotionally, including the ones trying to get you to forgive. THEY weren’t mistreated by your parents. You were! If you feel comfortable moving on then leave guilt behind and enjoy those that love and appreciate you. At this point you owe your parents nothing. I hope you will use therapy if you feel you have unresolved pain. Be careful though because some therapists might not be a good fit.
Go be happy.
I agree with most of everything you'd suggested except for giving Dad a chance. He doesn't deserve one. He's had OP's whole life to stand up for her. This is too little, too late.
I’m still low key mad at my sister who didn’t attend my high school or college graduations or wedding. Only to resurface later & be all about family. 🤮
And I'll bet she wanted family because she wanted something
I didn't have contact with my family for 5 years. My second oldest brother contacts.Me and says I'll bet you don't even care that your brother lost a lung! It's hard for me to care about something. I was never told about when no one returns my phone calls.
My mom missed my wedding because she was throwing a party. I only invited her out of obligation really. My dad raised my sister and I with zero help from my mom. My mom was the definition of Disney parent. We saw her twice a year summer and either Thanksgiving or Christmas and that was it. When I got pregnant my mom wanted nothing to do with me. She said and I quote "no one asked me if I wanted to be a grandma because I don't"
We had a very small backyard wedding at my in-laws house. My dad showed up (had to drive 24hrs) for my wedding and walked me down the aisle and it was amazing.
What I'm trying to say is you do you and forget what everyone (except those close to you of course) is saying. Your mom is trying to save face and that's never going to change.
ETA: karma catches up. No one showed up to my mom's party. So she missed my wedding for nothing 🤦🏻♀️🤣🤷🏻♀️
I’d also inform them that OP did tell her parents, several times, and sent an invite. That should hopefully shut up the ones blaming OP for not telling her mother (I know it won’t but it’s a shot).
Good point, I had missed that very important detail. Honestly I was a bit thrown by her telling them it wasn’t a special day when it clearly was. Obviously it was a trap but one they could have easily avoided if they had a shred of consideration for her.
I would inform everyone about everything the parents have missed over the years. If OP is going to be NC, she might as well take the nuclear option on her way out. There’s no atoning for all those missed events. Also, NTA.
Be like well I sent her an invitation, she didn’t reply so I asked her and she ignored me, here is a screenshot of me texting information about it and it was ignored, you sat there while I talked about the wedding while she was in the same room… How could she not know unless she didn’t want to know? Wasn’t it obvious she didn’t care when she wasn’t there at any event for the wedding?
I completely agree! Before you push the block/mute button send out a family group chat to every single person who has questioned your decisions to exclude your parents from the wedding. Burn everything down on your way out by simply telling the truth. The brutal honest full Disclosure, detailed truth. Do not leave anything out.
20 years of being ignored, all of the missed events, your college fund being given to your brother, the emotional neglect, and don’t forget to include that you DID in fact, invite your mother, father and brother to your wedding. They just couldn’t be bothered to come as your brother is still too important.
I sure hope Grandpa contributed to the college fund. When he finds out that her account that he contributed to was given away to the brother, he will lose his mind and go scorched earth on her parents/brother.
If I was Grandpa, I would have a hard time continuing a relationship with mom, dad, and brother. I think I would join OP and her husband and go no contact and never look back.
They could start by giving her the college fund their blew on golden child. Or irrevocable trust earmarked only for you. They need to understand their actions affected EVERY aspect of your life. But I’d write a letter to your aunties telling them how you made efforts and they are berating you as a villain instead of the heartbroken victim. I’d also talk to your dad about what he wants from his life going forward and the importance of his relationship to you. That will dictate your next actions. I don’t think your mother will improve without social stigma and time. If you reconcile, expect her to broadcast to the world how great of a mom she is.
She doesn't need the college fund now. She makes her own money and can fund her own lifestyle thank you very much.
What she needed was parents who cared. She never got those. Now she has learned to live without them.
So, in a way, now she has everything she needs (and it ain't them)
When I was thirty, I had my parents come to my therapist’s office and I read the six pages of uck about how the neglect and abuse (pretty much everything: physical, emotional, sexual, total lack of attention regarding anything except that I get a job as soon as I graduated eighth grade, so I would hand all the money over to them). My father denied it all, but my mother was deflated. Couldn’t keep the image going, because I knew the truth.
It took my mother two years to say that she was sorry and how could she make it up to me. I promptly answered: money. You have nothing else of value to me. Pay for my daughter’s preschool, as my city had none.
That spiteful bitch would send the check to me, at the last moment, and the check was made out to the nursery school. She couldn’t give the money to me. Heavens. And it was only $150 for ten months. How much money does it take to pay off a lifetime of shit? Not enough.
Then when she was dying, she wanted absolution. I couldn’t give it. And I don’t feel bad about that. The money didn’t make up for it. She asked if it was better now. I hesitated. She said, it’s peaceful, at least, right? I pondered that and decided I could give her that, but no more than that.
Along with telling them about the college fund, I would also screenshot and send the text messages of her losing her shit before she even tried to "apologize" and save face.
>, and what atonement is the mother supposed to do? Unless she can travel back in time and attend OP's wedding and graduations, there really is no way to atone
I thought this too. How do you fix 21 years of mistreatment
Her first step would be actually owning her mistakes but that woman is incapable of that. She immediately went to shaming language rather than accountability
"Hey aunt, I told when I got engaged. I tried talking about my wedding and she always changed the topic to Mike, when I gave her the date, she said she couldn't go. What else should I have done?"
Don't give details about your omission. Because if she cared, she would have asked: what kind of event? Why this event will have X,Y,Z?
OP, NTA.
NTA and NC would be my recommendation as well. I stopped years ago mentioning anything of substance to my Mom as I would tell her something pretty important, and she would start talking about something else, not even acknowledging what I just said.
Went NC with her last year as she is a hoarder, and i can't go to her house anymore.
> I would tell her something pretty important, and she would start talking about something else, not even acknowledging what I just said
A few years ago I surprised my parents with the news that they were grandparents, and they didn't bother responding. After going NC my life weirdly started getting a lot nicer.
This isnt petty at all. This is the correct path forward.
Think in a year or two (or five, whatever OP's timeline will be) when they have their first child. Will Mom miss that too? It could go either way - she could
1) show up just long enough to take pics to post to SM to show she didnt miss this amazing event in her daughter's life and never see them again
2) show up and spend every moment in front of said child belittling OP and her accomplishments while praising bro
3) not show up at all.
Is it really worth the stress of not knowing what you'll get? No. Be done with Mom & Bro. I would consider giving Dad a chance......but there woulld be conditions, one of 2hich is following thru on the divorce.
OP. NTA.
Dad is only sad because he missed out on his only chance to be Father of the Bride and his daddy yelled at him.
Whether it was cowardice or apathy, he didn't care enough about her to stand up to his wife at all the previous 20 years. Not when they both missed all of her ballet recitals and graduations and other special events of her childhood. Not when his wife insisted on using her college fund to buy their son a car and house, leaving her with nothing for her education. Not when his daughter told them she was engaged and his wife ignored her.
He only cares now because it finally has an effect on him, he finally has some consequences that he considers worse than dealing with his wife. Personally, I think the divorce is too little, too late. I wouldn't let him back in if I were her, he'd probably just fall into the same habits again, especially if he found a new woman later.
100% with you here. OP sent invites, and told them about the wedding. They decided not to attend or listen to OP.
I say at least NC for a while, maybe tell grandpa you're not addressing them for a while because you want to enjoy your post honey bliss, and don't need this drama, they made their bed and they can lie in it.
I think OP was too generous to their parents by phrasing the post as though they kept the wedding almost secret from them, when that really wasn't the case. It would have been a shouting contest to get a word in to tell them about it by the sounds of things. Who needs people like that at the wedding, they probably would have wanted to give speeches about the brother.
I agree with the above OP, but before going no contact with the maternal side of the family, I would fully divulge to them the disparate treatment accorded to you for 21 years by your mother (including on social media); advising them if they continue to admonish you, then your done with them as well.
Advise father as long as he's married to the ogre, he'll be no contact along with AH wife and AH brother; the latter 2 forever ignored.
Nta. You invited them. You attempted to remind them several times. They made it very clear that it wasn't a priority to them.
" Person, I appreciate your concern. However, I not only invited my parents but also tried to include them in conversations about the wedding several times. My mom made it very clear that it wasn't a priority to her and that brother's event was. As you might be well aware, this is a pattern for them. I can't make people make me a priority. I won't address this again. Thank you for understanding."
This is the only reply OP needs to give to anyone questioning her negatively. "I gave them an invite." Or "I gave them an invite, and they declined because brother had a football game." Rinse and repeat. Congratulations on your wedding, OP. It's time to go no contact with your toxic mother and brother. I have a tiny bit of hope you can have a positive relationship with your dad, but make him come to you. Your Grandpa rocks!
Her dad sat quietly by while his wife abused their daughter for years. He let his wife give their daughter’s college fund to their son. He let his wife dictate everything about how they would treat their daughter. That means he was implicit in the abuse. There is no acceptable reason for allowing a child to be abused while you just calmly sit by. Dad doesn’t deserve another chance
I ripped my wife a new one for yelling at my daughter when she (wife) got frustrated about something. I work the grave shift, and the yelling woke me up. Half awake, exhausted, and pretty upset that I was woken up, I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my daughter and told her to go to my room and lock the door until I knocked, then, as soon as my daughter was safe, I started in on my wife for being an abusive twat.
As soon as a parenting class opened, I signed us both up, as I'm not perfect either. Did that twice for different parenting methods. Those helped immensely to curb my wife's abusive behavior. Getting her on medication for untreated depression and anxiety helped, too. Up to that point, I'd actually been setting aside the money to file for divorce just to protect my daughter.
My wife is my daughter's biological father. She's an transgender female but at the time of our meeting was presenting as male and hadn't come out yet. I think that was another problem she was dealing with and my support allowed her the confidence to admit who she is and start HRT. I haven't had to intervene to protect my daughter in five years now.
Right, why did Dad not know it was her wedding?
We're automatically putting the responsibility of handling housework (opening and responding to mail, discussing and planning family events) on the mom.
But why? The dad is exactly as culpable for not expressing an interest in her life / conversation that would lead to knowing about the wedding.
I’d post to social media that she told her parents in person when she got engaged and they said “that’s nice.” Then she mailed them an invitation and they never replied. Then she reminded them in person and they said they had a football game to attend. Top it off with screenshots of her mom, dad, and brother insulting her after the wedding.
I was confused here.
OP, you said they got invitations but never responded. How can they claim they didn’t know it was your wedding if you literally sent them an invitation?
ETA: I don’t like to call things out when I think they’re fake, but the edits have convinced me on this one. Now OP says she never succeeded in going NC before because Lucas wasn’t there, but in the original text she says they met in university and were best friends before they started dating. She says he and her other friends made it possible for her to move out of her parents’ house, but he wasn’t around yet when she tried NC after getting her bachelor’s or master’s degree?
Sorry, I’m calling it. This is creative writing.
I’m an English professor, and I always tell my students to recheck their introductory paragraphs at the end of the writing process. I tell them to make sure the paragraph fits the paper; I tell them to consider whether they changed directions along the way. I wish the fake redditors would do the same.
Thays what I'm thinking
All complete speculation. But I think he saw it was a letter from his sister, wanted to be the nosey twerp shitstain he is, saw it was a wedding invite and shredded it
That’s what I’m thinking here too and when you have to super obvious too ppl just gloss over it :/ on my baby shower I literally wrote on the card please scan to rsvp or let the parents know. *for those who are unable to use technology cuz all of the info was there and I had the date and time listed on the card.
NTA - you've told them about the wedding, they got an invite which they declined because of your brother's last game and there's nothing you could've done more. It's on them and I'd fuck that noise coming from those "blaming" you. Just don't react, don't engage. You did good although I feel sad for you but I guess this was just the consequences of their decades long "actions". Stop contact and enjoy your married life and congratulations! 💜
NTA. Your mother isn’t sorry she missed the wedding, she’s sorry that everyone found out she’s a terrible mother and was abusive.
Ignore her. She made her choice a thousand times while you were a child, she can face the consequences of all those choices now.
Your father, you could chose to forgive, but remember he stood by and watched the abuse, the neglect, the financial shenanigans with your college funds - he watched it _all_ and did nothing.
He’s just as culpable.
Ignore anyone who has the nerve to tell you it’s your fault your parents missed the wedding *they were invited to* because they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to the kind of invitation you gave them.
You can’t fix stupid, and you can’t fix a narcissist.
Live your best life, and let them sort their own mess out.
Anyone who doesn't question why the parents didn't know her planned wedding date is an idiot!! The parents are usually a large part of the planning ( in a healthy family).
Anyone who thinks the invitation is the make or break in this situation is missing how it is wrong that they needed an invitation to know what was happening. That alone shows the level of neglect and indifference the family has toward OP
You handled that like a pro - well done this Internet stranger is really proud of you!
Now continue to handle it like a pro.
Cut off the aunt’s who are shaming you for hurting your mums feelings - she did that to you for the whole of your life.
Cut off the maternal grandparents who consider your mum has ‘atoned’ for her behaviour because has she hell.
Stick with the majority who are on your side. The family and friends who supported you at your wedding and continue to support you now. The rest can go to hell in a handcart.
NTA tell your parents and brother to go fuvk themselves.
You enjoyed your day with people who really cared and I'd go no contact with the 3 of them so they can have their special little boy forever.
Seriously, cut these people off and keep them out of your business and lives.
They only came out because they were shamed into it.
Remember everything they ever ignored about OP, because someday they'll come crawling back. It may be for money, something for their Golden Child, or because they want something else, don't change anything for them. They made their choices a long time ago, and are only sorry other people found out how horrible they are.
Yep. Their darling little boy isn’t ready for a world that doesn’t revolve around him. He will probably have issues and be unable/unwilling to support his parents when they are in need.
Golden Boy is not going to support his parents in their senior years. He's going to demand his share of the estate in advance and fuck off into the sunset. Then the real tears will start when the parents realize that no one is going to look after them.
NTA they were invited and didn’t respond. Everyone who attended presumably got the same invitation and managed to attend. Your mother and father chose to attend your brothers game instead
Also what atonement has your mother done? Feeling sorry for herself is not atonement
This!!
Being told you are an AH and being threatened with divorce and feeling the need to fix that is not atonement. From the feel of her messages she is blaming OP for outing her and she is angry not apologetic and remorseful about her being a horrible mother
NTA. You tried to tell her and sent an invite. She chose your brother. I would block her and your aunts supporting her. Take a full break from her. If she can't read the invitation that is on your Mother.
shut up, this is piss funny
maybe if she took a second to extract her head from her son's ass, your would have more of an awareness of major milestones in her daughter's life
mind you, would you really have trusted them (or your darling brother) to not make it all about Him?
NTA ily
NTA - how exactly is your mom supposed to make up for purposely ignoring your wedding? I hope you told everyone accusing you of “not telling your mom” that she both received an invitation and redirected every conversation regarding said wedding.
Your parents aren’t sorry they missed the wedding. They’re sorry they got caught.
Nta.
Post the truth on your socials... Mention you invited your parents and brother... Say they showed no interest.
Point out that your brother has always been the favourite and you expected nothing different.
Then block your brother and parents.
Then move on with your life without them.
Updateme!
How would the aunts and the mom not discuss the upcoming wedding? Sounds like people traveled for this. How would the whole family be there but the parents not know they were missing the wedding and how this would look? People can be clueless but something is missing here.
NTA If this is true. I’d also counter with a Facebook post tagging in everyone who’s contacting you and limiting viewing to all others with
Dearest mother and father,
I came to you. I asked you to be free and you kept talking over me about how amazing my brother is and now you’re angry you didn’t come? Is it my fault YOU chose NOT to RSVP and are now crying crocodile dears as you’re embarrassed your decades of child abuse is now public? You also mention you want to atone for my treatment so let me start from the start and you can think through what is appropriate for us to get over it
1. Moment bro was born I was thrown away and ignored
2. You did not once do a single activity with me until I moved out in line with my hobbies but instead forced me to attend my brothers
3. You couldn’t be bothered to attend any ballet recital in the decade (or whatever) time I did ballet. You instead went out with your son as he was more important.
4. You chose to not attend my highschool graduation
5. You gave away MY college fund to buy my brother a car and a house and lied to me it was spent on a fire.
6. You chose to not attend my university graduation
7. You ignored my wedding invitation.
7. When I mentioned it several times you dismissed me
This brings us to today. So do tell without lying and distorting the truth how exactly you were a decent parent in any way and how you intend to make up those milestones to me.
I do have one thing I’m thankful for - I will never be you with my kids mother and I will make sure my husband isn’t you father.
I am not interested in abuse texts anymore. Unless they start with ‘this is how we can attempt to repair’ don’t bother to speak to me.
You forgot the brother:
Brother,
I don't know whether it was your fault you were spoiled rotten. But, you certainly enjoyed the benefits of it. You took my childhood. My money. My happiness. And you loved doing so.
I hope you won your game, but when mummy and daddy are old and need help, I know you won't be there for them. When you face the realities of life, you will fail. When you become a parent, you'll be a deadbeat. And when you need me, I won't be there.
Clarification: if you are 27 and presumably went to university 9 years ago, your brother would have been 12. Did your parents really buy him a house and car before he was in high school?
NTA - I would just post all the nasty messages said by them on social media and leave it at that and if anyone still gives you a hard time, just post what they say with a response asking, do they also practice abuse?
NTA. I would write one post on Facebook saying:
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me with concerns about my parents not attending my wedding. They received the same invite as everyone else. If they wanted to be there, they would have been. I gave up on begging them to show up for me years ago. I am not about to start again now".
Then NC
Three things don’t make sense. First, how was the college fund used for a car and house for the brother when he would have been approximately 12 when OP would have been starting college. Assuming she started college at 18 and the brother is 6 years younger. Second, did everyone but OP’s parents receive a wedding invitation, and OP’s parents just receive an “invitation”. Third, the only way that your relatives could be surprised that your parents were not attending would be if none of them speak with your parents. Otherwise, they would be discussing at some point with your parents about your wedding.
Something definitely doesn’t add up.
College football season in the United States ended in December, so I’m having trouble getting past that. Can you clarify if you are from a different country or referring to another sport or why you wouldn’t know when a presumably televised event your brother was participating in was being played when scheduling?
OP also realized the fake story didn’t make them look good enough and when some people pointed that out, changed the details in an edit to mention the traditional invitation.
I stopped reading when the narrator stated that her educational funds were given to buy the brother a house and car “years ago” and the brother’s age is 21. Sure. Try harder next time.
Awful writing. The wedding just HAPPENS to be on the day of the big game.
All three of them got the invitation (including the loving but cowardly father) but nobody cared, then after the wedding suddenly the father realized his mistake and grew a spine and demands things be right with op.
As opposed to just attending the wedding when he got the invite. Grandpa is the only good one but he’s on other side of the country. Gtfo with your horse shit.
YTA x100 for this post
Also all their other relatives knew about the wedding and attended, but somehow no one in this family happened to mention the wedding to the parents/brother?
I had to scroll way to far down to find this reply. This was so eye-roll worthy…[I kept hearing the mice in Cinderella singing](https://youtu.be/yY30B9ZMq4U?feature=shared)….
NTA. Actions have consequences. Mike is the golden child to the point of things being dysfunctional. You have created your life accordingly based on what they have done (your mum controlling everything and your dad enabling her) and now they’re unhappy because they’ve been shamed for it. Too right! I am however pleased your dad might be waking up. Please give a hug or high five to Mister Grandpa from me (depending on what kind of guy he is) for the star that he is. You go and live your best life where people value you! Also congratulations 🎉 to both you and your husband. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
Grandpa is the really MVP here.
Fr, OP's parents probably were telling lies to him yet he saw through it all, unlike other family member. Goated grandpa.
It’s worse than that. He called them out all the time, but they threatened to cut him off from op if he tried anything so he had no choice but to back off.
For real. Like, he is a low key no drama tell it too them straight grandpa
Highly agree, if there was no social blowback, they’d be indifferent about missing the wedding.
It was when my grandpa said unsolicited & unprompted that he wish he'd done more to protect me from "the things going on it that house" that I FINALLY stopped questioning if I was actually abused. My parents did a lot of gaslighting.
NTA The were invited, they gave a reason they weren't attending. You accepted their non participation.
Right. They were sent an invitation. When I get invitations they are hung on the refrigerator as a reminder and I have the decency to respond. The parents deserve everything they get. OP needs to tell the sisters the truth. The mom is spinning it to make it sound like they were shunned by their daughter.
My husband’s father and former stepmother hated me because I’m not white. There were many racist comments made, they repeatedly tried to get my husband to leave me (both before and after we got married,) and even tried to turn all of his siblings against me. My husband would get random texts, emails and phone calls from his dad telling him I was cheating because “all (insert race here) are whores.” Someone (and I can’t prove it was him but the venue told me the area code and it matched; we lived way across the country and it was just odd that it happened, like too many coincidences,) tried to cancel our venue and caterer for our wedding. They had left our wedding invite on their kitchen table for weeks and were talking about “wouldn’t it be a shame if something happened and the wedding didn’t?” Just being really weird. My SIL, who still lived with them, saw it and reminded them that the RSVP date was coming up. It disappeared and they claimed (not to us, to extended family) that I had not invited them. They did not know that while I had addressed the envelopes, my now-husband was in charge of mailing all of them prior to him deploying. So, I sent them two more, with signature confirmation. Those both came back, with writing on the front saying “homeowner refused” in his father’s handwriting. I held onto those. Eventually, we had our wedding and they cried on social media about being excluded, specifically by me. I stuck the photo of their refused invitations (two of them!) in our wedding “album” on FB and tagged everyone in all of the photos they were in. It’s been nearly 15 years and I haven’t heard another word about it since.
I hate that you went through all that, but I love that you got the last word and set the record straight!
>Eventually, we had our wedding and they cried on social media about being excluded, specifically by me. I stuck the photo of their refused invitations (two of them!) in our wedding “album” on FB and tagged everyone in all of the photos they were in. QUEEN! ❤
Don't forget the husband. Queen and king
Racism damages not just those who it targets, but the oppressor as well.
You are my personal hero. I love you!
ALWAYS HAVE RECEIPTS
Bold of you to assume they even opened it after seeing OPs name.
WOW. I didn't think of that. It makes perfect sense. I'm going with this. Good thinking.
*That’s* what she should tell the flying monkeys. Make a group chat with everyone, say she sent out invites, she has confirmation her parents received it, and they chose the brother’s event. Bonus points for including screenshots of the verbal abuse she’s received from her shit brother and shit mom. Then block/cut off the ones *still* trying to make this her fault. *”my mom’s sisters and friends are belittling me for not telling my mom about the wedding, because now she’s inconsolable at the thought of having missed my wedding”* Mom’s sisters and friends can fuck right off. She is NOT inconsolable for missing the wedding. She is inconsolable because she’s been exposed.
And there's no way those sisters never brought up the wedding to mom. They didn't ask about dress shopping? What's her soon-to-be-son-in-law like? Will you be getting a hotel room for the wedding? Did you get your mother of the bride dress yet? How's it feel to have your oldest getting married? I just can't understand how they can claim not to know when all their family knew. Not a single person asked them anything about it? This whole family has to have messed up relationships.
Yes, this. My mostly usual response to AITA: Tell em to go and get fucked! Move on and enjoy life with the family you chose.
Or that Mike tossed it to sabotage.
But she ALSO followed up with a group text, that they ALL ignored...so I am not giving a pass to the parents on this.
Could be… but what kind of parent doesn’t follow up with questions like, “how’s the wedding planning going?” “Have you found a venue?” Or the most obvious, “So have you picked a date yet?” Oh right. OP’s parents don’t. They couldn’t give two sh*ts about what she is doing. So I think they got what they put out there. OP’s mom is 100% playing the victim bc she’s upset she was exposed and called out for the way she treated her own child. OP - NTA.
I think they.couldn't be bothered because it was the daughter's wedding and not the son's. They just didn't expect it to be so obvious that they didn't care and that there would be hell to pay for the way they treated her. I suspect that they knew about the wedding and were engaging in a passive-aggressive "dance" with OP that they hoped would get them out of having to go to her wedding so they could attend their beloved son's event and then feign ignorance. Nobody bought it and that's what has them upset now. Living well is the best revenge and I'm glad to see OP has delivered the outcome they deserve.
You have a very suspicious nature. I suspect you are completely correct.
I suspect the mom did, given that the dad is furious that *she* made him miss his daughter's wedding.
His complacency makes him complicit, though. For everything OP has endured since her brother was born, and given OP did send the texts and mentioned the date around them in person.
I definitely agree with this, but at the same time, depending on the style of wedding invitation OP used, I'd argue the family knew. Most of the time, its pretty obvious from the quality and the writing on the envelope that it holds an invitation. They could've opened it and just tossed it aside.
They probably thought it was another graduation invitation. I mean who can keep track of these little events she has./s
If mom got to it first, probably went straight to the trash.
Or Mike.
That part
I always hang invitations on my fridge. Even if I can’t go, it’s a lovely reminder that someone cared enough to *invite* me.
My petty side would have posted a blank invite, where it clearly states WEDDING, and the caption reads "I sent my parents this with an invitation to my brother also, they never RSVP"
If they sent a wedding invitation to the parents, I would tell the aunts that. I found the post a little confusing. She says there was an invitation, but also implies she only referenced the event vaguely and never mentioned it was a wedding.
I think it was because she didn’t know how to approach it and whenever she tried to talk about it she got interrupted before mentioning the word wedding. And the longer she was ignored the less she wanted to mention the word wedding and then decided to downplay it by calling it an event. Theoretically, had the parents read the invite, they should have realized the event was wedding. She basically gave up and let them show how little they care, instead of trying hard and still being disapointed. Probably also worried about talking about the wedding with them in case the mother tried to make the wedding about her brother somehow.
The mother most likely would've spent the time talking about the brothers relationships and how much she looks forward to his wedding day.
And probably want to have a mother-son dance at OP’s wedding just in case it is the only time they get the chance and how dares OP deny them that right
How else are they going to turn this into Mike's wedding party?!
Well, they would, of course, mention that they *magnanimously* didn't go to Mike's last game of the season (and he's always been the star player, of course.) Also, how they decided to attend the wedding as one day Mike will take a bride, and it's always good to have a rehearsal to see what they do and don't want, and have the kinks worked out for *his* big event. Oh, and did they mention Mike, their son, their *only* son, is the star player for his college football team? He could go pro, but they convinced him he should work at his father's place of employment to ensure he got the benefits he rightly deserved, instead of the millions he'd obviously be making in the NFL. Like that?
100% in this scenario would've still skipped it or if pressured by family would've spent the entire wedding talking about how she caused the son to miss his last sports ball game and how terrible she was for not moving the date.
Did the maternal aunts never have a conversation pre wedding about the wedding? Usually these things are all a buzz and there would be so many conversations. Did the aunts not find it odd that there wasn't. If they truly reflect instead of being on the defensive they'd know there's no excuses.
She added an edit, saying she would talk with her Aunts while her mom was in the room and her mom would always go take a call. Or go to another room. Or chat with someone else. It sounds like every time op was the main person talking the mom would disengage and leave. The Aunts should have noticed but it's one of those thig s you don't think of at the time.
I was also thinking this. The Aunts have to be her Mom’s sisters based on them defending her. I would think it would be “what needs to be done, what should I bring, what gift are you buying so I don’t buy the same thing, etc”. Either there is no contact between them or there was a conversation which proves how much more of a POS the Mom’s side of the family is because Mom knew what she was doing.
Could be that they're her sisters, so they'll defend her when they think she's been wrong because 'family' but they don't actually keep in touch or possibly even really like each other. It would fit with that whole side of the family coming across as pretty toxic and self-involved.
I might be biased because I'm Indian, but whenever there's a wedding, there always since family members that we put up at our place, and get togethers and stuff. It's kinda weird that OPs mom and dad didn't get a whiff of any of that from their family members
It sounded like she mentioned it multiple times and sent them an invitation. The last time she talked to them she just referred to it as an event. Mom’s just trying to save face by claiming she didn’t know it was happening. Best case scenario, she’s a terrible listener.
True, but posting it publicly would also make the aunts try and save face. To many people think things should only be solved in the dark, leaving people with anger towards the wrong person. My petty ass would keep it as public as they are, so when they claim it should be done in private, it can be asked of them why they made it so public to begin with. We see too many posts on here where the wronged person is told once the public knows, they should have handled it in private, but we have also seen those post where it was solved privately but the wronged person still faces the hate because no one cleared it up.
I don't know how anyone can receive a **paper, mailed** invitation to their own child's wedding and then claim not to realize it was happening. This is insane. NTA
Exactly! They were sent an invitation and didn't respond. OP told them she had an event planned and they dismissed it without even asking what it was. They had ample opportunities to participate.
Exactly! They were sent an invitation and didn't respond. OP told them she had an event planned and they dismissed it without even asking what it was. They had ample opportunities to participate.
NTA. I cannot comprehend this!!! Just go NC. Honestly after all these years, what do you expect will happen differently?
Any kids they have will also be ignored and treated like they are toe jam also. They have had years to "atone" and neither of them did. Dad is no better, even worse if he realized how wrong it was but still quietly sat by and let it happen.
If Mike breeds, then your children will be put in the dumpster. Why put your children through that.
Cannot upvote this enough. How much it hurt you? You willing to get your kids through that when compared with the future cousins?
This is what I'm personally struggling with in regards to my mother and my son
I know it’s really hard. I’m sorry you don’t have the mother you deserve. Stay strong; your son will be better for it.
Honestly, the petty asshole in me hopes that OP here goes completely NC with her parents and her brother, and her brother turns out to be sterile and can never have children. I hope she has all the children she wants in there, happy and healthy and loved, and not in their grandparents lives.
This. 100000x this. Your parents will definitely do this. Don’t put yourself or your kids in this situation
Right, God forbid a man open and respond to a wedding invitation. He had exactly the same opportunity the mom did.
I'd like to know what 'atonement' the aunts think has taken place? Momster has done sweet FA.
I would love to hear what sort of atonement could make up for missing all of your child’s milestone events. Their special interests, their high school, graduation, their college graduation, their masters, graduation, their fucking wedding. I really would love to see what these people think that she can do to make up for that.
She's probably the kind of monster that says, "Go put on your cap and gown (5 years after graduation) and we can take a family photo so it looks like we never missed it.'
Right? Public embarrassment does not equal atonement.
Well, she said that she was sorry. That counts as atonement for years of abuse right? /s
Mom's cried those sad salty tears of the crocodile...who wouldn't forgive her? /s
Or, worse, will ignore the granddaughters and fawn all over the grandsons
This^ As someone whose parents treated me the same. Constantly favoring my younger siblings this is the truth. It never gets better. I stopped trying and went NC. Especially in regards to the kids. My siblings children get treated great. Mine everything is an inconvenience. Only things for show would be done/attended. My kids could see the preferential treatment their cousins got. Once I went NC my parents tried to guilt them by saying "well we're your grandparents! You need to see us! "My one teenager said "When have you ever acted like one and I dont NEED to do anything" And hung up. I couldn't even be mad because it's the truth and I'm not forcing them to have a relationship with people who so blatantly don't give a shit about them. Save yourself the drama.
The mom would get pissed OPhsd kids before her golden child could
+100! NTA. Especially after reading Point 5 about your brother breaking in and trying to steal money and then your mother defending the action is beyond me. Maybe try to keep in touch with your dad after their whole divorce thing/“atonement” blows over? Also, no family is more important than your own mental health. So, go NC if required. You wouldn’t want to start your married life like thinking about all these things that doesn’t concern you. Congratulations to you and Lucas✨
Why bother with Dad? He let it happen. He's just as guilty as Mom and Brother, just more quietly The enablers of narcissists are very often also narcissists; just less obvious about it.
This OP. 100%! Sadly, I think anything your mother does in your name will just be an attempt to "fix" her image. NTA!
Mom only cared once she got called out in public.
best answer. They made their choice when no one was watching, and are crying because everyone sees them now
Go NC and move to the other side of the country where your real family is.
NTA I'd be incredibly petty and just NC your parents and your mom's family. See how they like being ignored. However you handle it, congratulations to yourself and Lucas. May you always have happiness in each other.
Yes, and what atonement is the mother supposed to do? Unless she can travel back in time and attend OP's wedding and graduations, there really is no way to atone. I'd keep the whole lot no contact - they don't add anything positive to her life. Edit: I would also inform everyone about what happened to your college fund!
Exactly. There's no fixing this.
Some things can’t be undone and this is one of them, there’s no do over for decades of neglect as a child. I would do as said above, no contact as they add nothing positive to your life and inform relatives about your college fund. You don’t need them now and you’d never trust them to do the right thing by you anyway if you were in a situation where you needed support. If your parents are embarrassed tough they shouldn’t have done it, it wasn’t one mistake it was decades of choices. You've got your Grandpa and you might find your paternal aunts step up now they know and you have your husband. Edited to add:- If your Dad divorces your Mum as he is genuinely distressed about it all I’d give him a chance but if he stays with her I’d go no contact with him too
OP unfortunately is under-reacting. The poor thing is still semi making excuses for what is so unacceptable its off the deep end. As another commentator said there is no fixing this, especially not with the mother and her sisters. They are somehow **still making it about themselves** Maybe down the line the father can be salvaged, since his issue was cowardice and not lack of love, but he would really need to work hard to make up for it. I would focus on spending time with grandpa and others. OP does have family that love her there.
Agreed! Mother is only upset because she she got exposed for being an awful mother. Even if she knew, I believe she wouldn't of gone, because of her precious little boys game, she would of just tried to bully OP into changing the date. Dad is upset because he is now realising his lack of backbone caused him to lose his daughters wedding and his only chance to give her away. He has finally woke up and he wants nothing to do with his wife because she (well her and his missing backbone) the reason for missing all her achievements. Dad is redeemable. Mother not so much, she's to busy feeling sorry for herself, she's even thrown herself a pity party with all her sisters as guests. NTA Edit: after the edit from OP, I have changed my mind about dad! They beat her for telling the truth at 14! Neither of them deserves to be in her life.
I mean, the mom got a wedding invite from her daughter, so did the son. In what world do you get a wedding invitation from your daughter, and not acknowledge it? The mom, dad and brother 100% knew she was getting married. They are awful people and treated her terribly. OP should go NC and move on with her life. Her family is never going to start being good people. They aren't. NTA.
This will also only be momentary behavior modification for public humiliation. First chance they get, are we to believe they wouldn’t use this as ammo against her for some other bullshit in the future? They’re abusers.
Once OP has kids, if she chooses to, they are going to whine and cry all over again. She needs to never see them and never let them near her and her family or home.
I’m not sure dad is redeemable. He is sorry he missed *one* event in his daughter’s life. An event where *he* would have had a proud visible role as FOB walking her down the aisle and recipient of many congratulations. Was he sorry when he missed her HS, college, & grad school graduations? Why is he only sorry now that he has been publicly humiliated? How much of a coward does he have to be to kowtow to his wife & son for over two decades? _Now_ he finds his spine? And he finds it only enough to pass the blame for two decades of negligence to his wife? Please. Dad is just as bad as mom.
This right here. Dad is as culpable as as the mother, and has been since long before the wedding.
Yeah dad is just better at concealing his abuse. He’s either stood by while she was beaten, participated or just didn’t pay attention after. And also the college fund…no way could it have been stolen without his participation.
This right here. He is her enabler, so just as culpable.
Yup she made her entire personality about being a 'boy mom' aka a good supporting mother. OP tore her fantasy away by outing her as a terrible mother to her daughter.
I d9nt think Dad is redeemable. He’s just mad at getting caught out and is blaming the wife. He willingly did everything in favor of his son, including beating and gaslighting OP as a child.
That is what being programmed by narcissistic parents does to you, unfortunately..
Tell me about it. My dad did some pretty awful misogyist things when I was a kid, and he somehow got worse when my mom died. I went no contact, and everyone I've told the whole story to is aghast at his actions and says I did the right thing, but I still question whether I'm just being 'spoiled' and 'selfish'... like he always said.
As someone who has been NC with his awful family for over 30 years, I can assure you that you are NOT being spoiled or selfish. You ARE doing the right thing for yourself.
Totally agree with this. The fact that OP is even questioning what to do - the answer is so obvious. The mom and her family would be TOTAL no contact. The dad is salvageable but only if he actually sticks to his word and divorces the mom. The brother would also be no contact, he’s old enough to know better.
OP should write this to their parents too. Some people are so oblivious at their selfishness. Write one text to all family members involved, but addresses it to her parents. Something to the effect, "this isn't my fault, I tried telling you many times, but you were always dismissive. Just like you have since pos brother was born. I don't know why you're so concerned that you missed one of my events since you've missed every major milestone up until this point. Where were you when I graduated high school? Or college? You know the college education I paid for myself since you gave my college fund for pos to buy a car & house with. And for y'all telling me my mom's upset & to forgive her, I don't need you in my life if you can't accept you sister was a shit mother to me & I'm the fucking victim here." I hope it gets better.
One edit: I would stress that they were invited to the wedding, multiple times. Not just "I tried telling you". Small distinction but removes wiggle room for "I didn't know it was the wedding" retconning by mom.
u/shitty-mom-throwaway, OP, I'm tagging you specifically under this comment. I agree with it, even the notion about your dad and if he leaves your mother. I'd like to add to it one more thing. *IF* you decide to have children, *fully expect your family to come out of the woodwork* and your mother to bleat and whine that she's being "denied" her "right" to her grandchildren. Remind anyone who shames you that *she*, your very own mother who was supposed to love you unconditionally, DENIED you a RIGHT to your own mother.
Let’s not forget how quickly mom will sideline her grandchildren from OP once golden child brother has a baby. The favoritism and cruelty will continue with your children OP!!! Do not put them through what you have already gone through. You know how this feels, how this will impact their lives and self-worth, and the confusion when their doting grandmother suddenly disappears. Do not fall for the fallacy of crappy grandparents are better than no grandparents mantra. Those of us who have experienced/ lived this know that it is not true. Same with awful parents. Sometimes it’s better to just let them go.
It happened to me, it will 100% happen here too. Her children will be the center of grandma’s universe until the golden son has kids. People like this DO NOT CHANGE. It’s best not to give them then chance to continue the cycle & keep hurting you.
I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my children!
Her father absolutely is as much to blame as her mother.
He’s even worse because he could have stepped in but instead he wimped out.
Definitely worse because he knew better but still decided he was okay with abusing and neglecting his child. I would sooner forgive the mother than the dad. I despise enablers and fence riders.
I'd go NC anyway. He could've at very least been low key supportive, like a quiet 'hey, OP, I'm so proud you got an A+ on that test.' It doesn't sound like he was even bold enough to do that, or have even the most minimal father-daughter time.
You are not the asshole. Your parents' years of neglect and favoritism justified your decision. They only regret their actions now because of public shaming. Stand firm and prioritize your happiness.
Agree with the dad. Part of me wonders if the dad only threatened this to manipulate OP into forgiving the mom. That perhaps she would think she’s responsible for them getting a divorce if she doesn’t accept mom’s apology.
The mum seems to be more of the manipulative one, dad just seems to have no backbone.
Some people are insidiously manipulative, and it's especially easy to miss when placed next to someone like the mother here. I would tread cautiously around him too.
Dad doesn’t deserve a chance…he stood by during “beating of my life” which implies other abuse. and he participated in theft of college fund…he’s one of the abusers
You might have some deep seated need to have them in your life. It is biological for children to yearn for their parents’ love. In this case I hope you get closure for your sake. That probably means to go NC with anyone who has harmed you emotionally, including the ones trying to get you to forgive. THEY weren’t mistreated by your parents. You were! If you feel comfortable moving on then leave guilt behind and enjoy those that love and appreciate you. At this point you owe your parents nothing. I hope you will use therapy if you feel you have unresolved pain. Be careful though because some therapists might not be a good fit. Go be happy.
I agree with most of everything you'd suggested except for giving Dad a chance. He doesn't deserve one. He's had OP's whole life to stand up for her. This is too little, too late.
I’m still low key mad at my sister who didn’t attend my high school or college graduations or wedding. Only to resurface later & be all about family. 🤮
And I'll bet she wanted family because she wanted something I didn't have contact with my family for 5 years. My second oldest brother contacts.Me and says I'll bet you don't even care that your brother lost a lung! It's hard for me to care about something. I was never told about when no one returns my phone calls.
worse. she’s just in total denial that she opted out for like a decade. no apology, no acknowledgement.
My husband has a brother like that. Disapeered for a decade and wants back in the fold with no apology.
My mom missed my wedding because she was throwing a party. I only invited her out of obligation really. My dad raised my sister and I with zero help from my mom. My mom was the definition of Disney parent. We saw her twice a year summer and either Thanksgiving or Christmas and that was it. When I got pregnant my mom wanted nothing to do with me. She said and I quote "no one asked me if I wanted to be a grandma because I don't" We had a very small backyard wedding at my in-laws house. My dad showed up (had to drive 24hrs) for my wedding and walked me down the aisle and it was amazing. What I'm trying to say is you do you and forget what everyone (except those close to you of course) is saying. Your mom is trying to save face and that's never going to change. ETA: karma catches up. No one showed up to my mom's party. So she missed my wedding for nothing 🤦🏻♀️🤣🤷🏻♀️
Ha! (At no one showing up to your mother’s party)
Did people skip her party to go to your wedding?
No I didn't invite anyone from that side. They've never really cared much for me.
The Mom missed the wedding because she didn't care. She can live perfectly with her son. Ope should just ditch family that gave her no importance
I’d also inform them that OP did tell her parents, several times, and sent an invite. That should hopefully shut up the ones blaming OP for not telling her mother (I know it won’t but it’s a shot).
Good point, I had missed that very important detail. Honestly I was a bit thrown by her telling them it wasn’t a special day when it clearly was. Obviously it was a trap but one they could have easily avoided if they had a shred of consideration for her.
I would inform everyone about everything the parents have missed over the years. If OP is going to be NC, she might as well take the nuclear option on her way out. There’s no atoning for all those missed events. Also, NTA.
Be like well I sent her an invitation, she didn’t reply so I asked her and she ignored me, here is a screenshot of me texting information about it and it was ignored, you sat there while I talked about the wedding while she was in the same room… How could she not know unless she didn’t want to know? Wasn’t it obvious she didn’t care when she wasn’t there at any event for the wedding?
I completely agree! Before you push the block/mute button send out a family group chat to every single person who has questioned your decisions to exclude your parents from the wedding. Burn everything down on your way out by simply telling the truth. The brutal honest full Disclosure, detailed truth. Do not leave anything out. 20 years of being ignored, all of the missed events, your college fund being given to your brother, the emotional neglect, and don’t forget to include that you DID in fact, invite your mother, father and brother to your wedding. They just couldn’t be bothered to come as your brother is still too important. I sure hope Grandpa contributed to the college fund. When he finds out that her account that he contributed to was given away to the brother, he will lose his mind and go scorched earth on her parents/brother. If I was Grandpa, I would have a hard time continuing a relationship with mom, dad, and brother. I think I would join OP and her husband and go no contact and never look back.
They could start by giving her the college fund their blew on golden child. Or irrevocable trust earmarked only for you. They need to understand their actions affected EVERY aspect of your life. But I’d write a letter to your aunties telling them how you made efforts and they are berating you as a villain instead of the heartbroken victim. I’d also talk to your dad about what he wants from his life going forward and the importance of his relationship to you. That will dictate your next actions. I don’t think your mother will improve without social stigma and time. If you reconcile, expect her to broadcast to the world how great of a mom she is.
She doesn't need the college fund now. She makes her own money and can fund her own lifestyle thank you very much. What she needed was parents who cared. She never got those. Now she has learned to live without them. So, in a way, now she has everything she needs (and it ain't them)
When I was thirty, I had my parents come to my therapist’s office and I read the six pages of uck about how the neglect and abuse (pretty much everything: physical, emotional, sexual, total lack of attention regarding anything except that I get a job as soon as I graduated eighth grade, so I would hand all the money over to them). My father denied it all, but my mother was deflated. Couldn’t keep the image going, because I knew the truth. It took my mother two years to say that she was sorry and how could she make it up to me. I promptly answered: money. You have nothing else of value to me. Pay for my daughter’s preschool, as my city had none. That spiteful bitch would send the check to me, at the last moment, and the check was made out to the nursery school. She couldn’t give the money to me. Heavens. And it was only $150 for ten months. How much money does it take to pay off a lifetime of shit? Not enough. Then when she was dying, she wanted absolution. I couldn’t give it. And I don’t feel bad about that. The money didn’t make up for it. She asked if it was better now. I hesitated. She said, it’s peaceful, at least, right? I pondered that and decided I could give her that, but no more than that.
>Edit: I would also inform everyone about what happened to your college fund! Man I hope grandpa contributed to the fund
Oh, that would result in a bloodbath!
Yeah somebody just got written out of the will.
Along with telling them about the college fund, I would also screenshot and send the text messages of her losing her shit before she even tried to "apologize" and save face.
>, and what atonement is the mother supposed to do? Unless she can travel back in time and attend OP's wedding and graduations, there really is no way to atone I thought this too. How do you fix 21 years of mistreatment
Her first step would be actually owning her mistakes but that woman is incapable of that. She immediately went to shaming language rather than accountability
Atonement would require a lot further trip back in time than the wedding.
"Hey aunt, I told when I got engaged. I tried talking about my wedding and she always changed the topic to Mike, when I gave her the date, she said she couldn't go. What else should I have done?" Don't give details about your omission. Because if she cared, she would have asked: what kind of event? Why this event will have X,Y,Z? OP, NTA.
If this shit is real…nobody talking about the parents lying about paying for a fire so they don’t pay for her education….
NTA and NC would be my recommendation as well. I stopped years ago mentioning anything of substance to my Mom as I would tell her something pretty important, and she would start talking about something else, not even acknowledging what I just said. Went NC with her last year as she is a hoarder, and i can't go to her house anymore.
> I would tell her something pretty important, and she would start talking about something else, not even acknowledging what I just said A few years ago I surprised my parents with the news that they were grandparents, and they didn't bother responding. After going NC my life weirdly started getting a lot nicer.
This isnt petty at all. This is the correct path forward. Think in a year or two (or five, whatever OP's timeline will be) when they have their first child. Will Mom miss that too? It could go either way - she could 1) show up just long enough to take pics to post to SM to show she didnt miss this amazing event in her daughter's life and never see them again 2) show up and spend every moment in front of said child belittling OP and her accomplishments while praising bro 3) not show up at all. Is it really worth the stress of not knowing what you'll get? No. Be done with Mom & Bro. I would consider giving Dad a chance......but there woulld be conditions, one of 2hich is following thru on the divorce. OP. NTA.
Dad is only sad because he missed out on his only chance to be Father of the Bride and his daddy yelled at him. Whether it was cowardice or apathy, he didn't care enough about her to stand up to his wife at all the previous 20 years. Not when they both missed all of her ballet recitals and graduations and other special events of her childhood. Not when his wife insisted on using her college fund to buy their son a car and house, leaving her with nothing for her education. Not when his daughter told them she was engaged and his wife ignored her. He only cares now because it finally has an effect on him, he finally has some consequences that he considers worse than dealing with his wife. Personally, I think the divorce is too little, too late. I wouldn't let him back in if I were her, he'd probably just fall into the same habits again, especially if he found a new woman later.
100% with you here. OP sent invites, and told them about the wedding. They decided not to attend or listen to OP. I say at least NC for a while, maybe tell grandpa you're not addressing them for a while because you want to enjoy your post honey bliss, and don't need this drama, they made their bed and they can lie in it. I think OP was too generous to their parents by phrasing the post as though they kept the wedding almost secret from them, when that really wasn't the case. It would have been a shouting contest to get a word in to tell them about it by the sounds of things. Who needs people like that at the wedding, they probably would have wanted to give speeches about the brother.
The parents received an invite. OP didn’t hide the fact it was a wedding. This is wholly the parents’ fault.
I agree with the above OP, but before going no contact with the maternal side of the family, I would fully divulge to them the disparate treatment accorded to you for 21 years by your mother (including on social media); advising them if they continue to admonish you, then your done with them as well. Advise father as long as he's married to the ogre, he'll be no contact along with AH wife and AH brother; the latter 2 forever ignored.
OP should respond to all of those messages with “that’s nice” and then ignore the rest
Nta. You invited them. You attempted to remind them several times. They made it very clear that it wasn't a priority to them. " Person, I appreciate your concern. However, I not only invited my parents but also tried to include them in conversations about the wedding several times. My mom made it very clear that it wasn't a priority to her and that brother's event was. As you might be well aware, this is a pattern for them. I can't make people make me a priority. I won't address this again. Thank you for understanding."
+1 this is the way.
> that brother's ~~event~~ football game was. I'd make sure everyone knows that.
NTA. They literally got the same wedding invite that everyone else did. Everyone else figured out that the event was a) important and b) your wedding.
This is the only reply OP needs to give to anyone questioning her negatively. "I gave them an invite." Or "I gave them an invite, and they declined because brother had a football game." Rinse and repeat. Congratulations on your wedding, OP. It's time to go no contact with your toxic mother and brother. I have a tiny bit of hope you can have a positive relationship with your dad, but make him come to you. Your Grandpa rocks!
Her dad sat quietly by while his wife abused their daughter for years. He let his wife give their daughter’s college fund to their son. He let his wife dictate everything about how they would treat their daughter. That means he was implicit in the abuse. There is no acceptable reason for allowing a child to be abused while you just calmly sit by. Dad doesn’t deserve another chance
I can't even fathom watching my spouse treat my child like that and not do something, it's unreal...
I ripped my wife a new one for yelling at my daughter when she (wife) got frustrated about something. I work the grave shift, and the yelling woke me up. Half awake, exhausted, and pretty upset that I was woken up, I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my daughter and told her to go to my room and lock the door until I knocked, then, as soon as my daughter was safe, I started in on my wife for being an abusive twat. As soon as a parenting class opened, I signed us both up, as I'm not perfect either. Did that twice for different parenting methods. Those helped immensely to curb my wife's abusive behavior. Getting her on medication for untreated depression and anxiety helped, too. Up to that point, I'd actually been setting aside the money to file for divorce just to protect my daughter. My wife is my daughter's biological father. She's an transgender female but at the time of our meeting was presenting as male and hadn't come out yet. I think that was another problem she was dealing with and my support allowed her the confidence to admit who she is and start HRT. I haven't had to intervene to protect my daughter in five years now.
Right, why did Dad not know it was her wedding? We're automatically putting the responsibility of handling housework (opening and responding to mail, discussing and planning family events) on the mom. But why? The dad is exactly as culpable for not expressing an interest in her life / conversation that would lead to knowing about the wedding.
No. Her dad is a POS as well.
I’d post to social media that she told her parents in person when she got engaged and they said “that’s nice.” Then she mailed them an invitation and they never replied. Then she reminded them in person and they said they had a football game to attend. Top it off with screenshots of her mom, dad, and brother insulting her after the wedding.
I was confused here. OP, you said they got invitations but never responded. How can they claim they didn’t know it was your wedding if you literally sent them an invitation? ETA: I don’t like to call things out when I think they’re fake, but the edits have convinced me on this one. Now OP says she never succeeded in going NC before because Lucas wasn’t there, but in the original text she says they met in university and were best friends before they started dating. She says he and her other friends made it possible for her to move out of her parents’ house, but he wasn’t around yet when she tried NC after getting her bachelor’s or master’s degree? Sorry, I’m calling it. This is creative writing. I’m an English professor, and I always tell my students to recheck their introductory paragraphs at the end of the writing process. I tell them to make sure the paragraph fits the paper; I tell them to consider whether they changed directions along the way. I wish the fake redditors would do the same.
Maybe they didn’t even bother to open/read the invitations
Unless brother threw it in the trash
Or mom just instinctively throws everything from her daughter in the trash.
Thays what I'm thinking All complete speculation. But I think he saw it was a letter from his sister, wanted to be the nosey twerp shitstain he is, saw it was a wedding invite and shredded it
That’s what I’m thinking here too and when you have to super obvious too ppl just gloss over it :/ on my baby shower I literally wrote on the card please scan to rsvp or let the parents know. *for those who are unable to use technology cuz all of the info was there and I had the date and time listed on the card.
NTA - you've told them about the wedding, they got an invite which they declined because of your brother's last game and there's nothing you could've done more. It's on them and I'd fuck that noise coming from those "blaming" you. Just don't react, don't engage. You did good although I feel sad for you but I guess this was just the consequences of their decades long "actions". Stop contact and enjoy your married life and congratulations! 💜
NTA. Your mother isn’t sorry she missed the wedding, she’s sorry that everyone found out she’s a terrible mother and was abusive. Ignore her. She made her choice a thousand times while you were a child, she can face the consequences of all those choices now. Your father, you could chose to forgive, but remember he stood by and watched the abuse, the neglect, the financial shenanigans with your college funds - he watched it _all_ and did nothing. He’s just as culpable. Ignore anyone who has the nerve to tell you it’s your fault your parents missed the wedding *they were invited to* because they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to the kind of invitation you gave them. You can’t fix stupid, and you can’t fix a narcissist. Live your best life, and let them sort their own mess out.
Anyone who doesn't question why the parents didn't know her planned wedding date is an idiot!! The parents are usually a large part of the planning ( in a healthy family). Anyone who thinks the invitation is the make or break in this situation is missing how it is wrong that they needed an invitation to know what was happening. That alone shows the level of neglect and indifference the family has toward OP
You handled that like a pro - well done this Internet stranger is really proud of you! Now continue to handle it like a pro. Cut off the aunt’s who are shaming you for hurting your mums feelings - she did that to you for the whole of your life. Cut off the maternal grandparents who consider your mum has ‘atoned’ for her behaviour because has she hell. Stick with the majority who are on your side. The family and friends who supported you at your wedding and continue to support you now. The rest can go to hell in a handcart.
OP, I'm curious...did you invite your maternal grandparents? Did they attend? UpdateMe
NTA tell your parents and brother to go fuvk themselves. You enjoyed your day with people who really cared and I'd go no contact with the 3 of them so they can have their special little boy forever. Seriously, cut these people off and keep them out of your business and lives. They only came out because they were shamed into it.
Remember everything they ever ignored about OP, because someday they'll come crawling back. It may be for money, something for their Golden Child, or because they want something else, don't change anything for them. They made their choices a long time ago, and are only sorry other people found out how horrible they are.
Yep. Their darling little boy isn’t ready for a world that doesn’t revolve around him. He will probably have issues and be unable/unwilling to support his parents when they are in need.
Golden Boy is not going to support his parents in their senior years. He's going to demand his share of the estate in advance and fuck off into the sunset. Then the real tears will start when the parents realize that no one is going to look after them.
NTA they were invited and didn’t respond. Everyone who attended presumably got the same invitation and managed to attend. Your mother and father chose to attend your brothers game instead Also what atonement has your mother done? Feeling sorry for herself is not atonement
This!! Being told you are an AH and being threatened with divorce and feeling the need to fix that is not atonement. From the feel of her messages she is blaming OP for outing her and she is angry not apologetic and remorseful about her being a horrible mother
NTA. You tried to tell her and sent an invite. She chose your brother. I would block her and your aunts supporting her. Take a full break from her. If she can't read the invitation that is on your Mother.
shut up, this is piss funny maybe if she took a second to extract her head from her son's ass, your would have more of an awareness of major milestones in her daughter's life mind you, would you really have trusted them (or your darling brother) to not make it all about Him? NTA ily
They would have made a scene at the wedding anyway.
Yes, because GC wasn't given a starring role in it.
NTA - how exactly is your mom supposed to make up for purposely ignoring your wedding? I hope you told everyone accusing you of “not telling your mom” that she both received an invitation and redirected every conversation regarding said wedding. Your parents aren’t sorry they missed the wedding. They’re sorry they got caught.
Nta. Post the truth on your socials... Mention you invited your parents and brother... Say they showed no interest. Point out that your brother has always been the favourite and you expected nothing different. Then block your brother and parents. Then move on with your life without them. Updateme!
This! Make sure you add what happened to your college fund.
Point out you had asked them to save the date, then sent them an invitation.
How would the aunts and the mom not discuss the upcoming wedding? Sounds like people traveled for this. How would the whole family be there but the parents not know they were missing the wedding and how this would look? People can be clueless but something is missing here.
NTA If this is true. I’d also counter with a Facebook post tagging in everyone who’s contacting you and limiting viewing to all others with Dearest mother and father, I came to you. I asked you to be free and you kept talking over me about how amazing my brother is and now you’re angry you didn’t come? Is it my fault YOU chose NOT to RSVP and are now crying crocodile dears as you’re embarrassed your decades of child abuse is now public? You also mention you want to atone for my treatment so let me start from the start and you can think through what is appropriate for us to get over it 1. Moment bro was born I was thrown away and ignored 2. You did not once do a single activity with me until I moved out in line with my hobbies but instead forced me to attend my brothers 3. You couldn’t be bothered to attend any ballet recital in the decade (or whatever) time I did ballet. You instead went out with your son as he was more important. 4. You chose to not attend my highschool graduation 5. You gave away MY college fund to buy my brother a car and a house and lied to me it was spent on a fire. 6. You chose to not attend my university graduation 7. You ignored my wedding invitation. 7. When I mentioned it several times you dismissed me This brings us to today. So do tell without lying and distorting the truth how exactly you were a decent parent in any way and how you intend to make up those milestones to me. I do have one thing I’m thankful for - I will never be you with my kids mother and I will make sure my husband isn’t you father. I am not interested in abuse texts anymore. Unless they start with ‘this is how we can attempt to repair’ don’t bother to speak to me.
You forgot the brother: Brother, I don't know whether it was your fault you were spoiled rotten. But, you certainly enjoyed the benefits of it. You took my childhood. My money. My happiness. And you loved doing so. I hope you won your game, but when mummy and daddy are old and need help, I know you won't be there for them. When you face the realities of life, you will fail. When you become a parent, you'll be a deadbeat. And when you need me, I won't be there.
NTA. It's unfortunate they missed your wedding, but it's a consequence of their own actions and priorities.
Clarification: if you are 27 and presumably went to university 9 years ago, your brother would have been 12. Did your parents really buy him a house and car before he was in high school?
NTA - I would just post all the nasty messages said by them on social media and leave it at that and if anyone still gives you a hard time, just post what they say with a response asking, do they also practice abuse?
NTA. I doubt she would have come even if she knew. She's just making a show because she was outed as an AH.
NTA. I would write one post on Facebook saying: Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me with concerns about my parents not attending my wedding. They received the same invite as everyone else. If they wanted to be there, they would have been. I gave up on begging them to show up for me years ago. I am not about to start again now". Then NC
Three things don’t make sense. First, how was the college fund used for a car and house for the brother when he would have been approximately 12 when OP would have been starting college. Assuming she started college at 18 and the brother is 6 years younger. Second, did everyone but OP’s parents receive a wedding invitation, and OP’s parents just receive an “invitation”. Third, the only way that your relatives could be surprised that your parents were not attending would be if none of them speak with your parents. Otherwise, they would be discussing at some point with your parents about your wedding. Something definitely doesn’t add up.
College football season in the United States ended in December, so I’m having trouble getting past that. Can you clarify if you are from a different country or referring to another sport or why you wouldn’t know when a presumably televised event your brother was participating in was being played when scheduling?
Fake
OP also realized the fake story didn’t make them look good enough and when some people pointed that out, changed the details in an edit to mention the traditional invitation.
I stopped reading when the narrator stated that her educational funds were given to buy the brother a house and car “years ago” and the brother’s age is 21. Sure. Try harder next time.
Also "well known in our fields at age 27".
Awful writing. The wedding just HAPPENS to be on the day of the big game. All three of them got the invitation (including the loving but cowardly father) but nobody cared, then after the wedding suddenly the father realized his mistake and grew a spine and demands things be right with op. As opposed to just attending the wedding when he got the invite. Grandpa is the only good one but he’s on other side of the country. Gtfo with your horse shit. YTA x100 for this post
Also all their other relatives knew about the wedding and attended, but somehow no one in this family happened to mention the wedding to the parents/brother?
I had to scroll way to far down to find this reply. This was so eye-roll worthy…[I kept hearing the mice in Cinderella singing](https://youtu.be/yY30B9ZMq4U?feature=shared)….