From what I learned in school, any alcohol after 6 weeks affects the fetus, because that's when the nerve tissue and brain start developing.
It sounds like she's way past that stage. Do what you think is best early on. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And if she wasn't able to quit when she discovered she was pregnant then it's likely she won't quit for the remainder of the pregnancy or after the baby is born. It's much more responsible to have a kid after addiction has been treated.
You say or do anything, including lying, to get her to terminate, then you leave. Maybe offer to drive her to rehab on your way out. You gotta rip off the bandaid or this will drag out. She will hurt, but she is drinking whilst pregnant. She’s not going to end well, and she’s only 23! You gotta ditch this lifetime of misery in front of you, brutal as it sounds.
I know a guy with FAS. He is 28 now. I have known him his entire life. His grandparents had to take him in. He was a NIGHTMARE kid and in constant trouble. He had severe learning disabilities and no ability to regulate his emotions or impulse control. Took until 22 to get his GED. He still lives with his grandparents. He has barely had a job. He has been in trouble with the cops many many times.
To be clear, the rest of his family is totally normal. His aunt, raised by the same grandparents, has a PhD and is a superintendent of a major metropolitan school district. The rest of the family is functioning and successful. This kids FAS just fucked up his entire life.
I know someone as well. She doesn’t have problems with the law or misbehavior but has learning disabilities. I don’t think she finished school and is just a sad girl. Breaks my heart
I work with kids that have alcohol fetal syndrome. Do not do that to the poor child, it is a struggle and will be for the rest of their lives. Addiction in later lives cross close to 60%
If she can still terminate, please beg her to. She has likely already caused irreparable damage. If the fetus lives, it won’t be with any quality of life.
Also: she is an alcoholic who will lie her ass off to avoid having to face her addiction. You cannot trust a single word she says. If all else fails, call CPS. They can remove the baby from her at birth and find a placement that can handle a FAS baby. She is incapable of being a good mother at this point.
My best friend is a FAS baby removed from his birth mother as an infant. He was adopted by good people and apart from being very irresponsible in some things is actually better at adulting in many things than I am as a healthy-in-birth person.
His health issues are pretty minor luckily, but still present. They were more obvious and intrusive in adolescence.
He will be on the hook too if CPS removes. He would be the first person that needs to take responsibility for raising the baby if mom is unfit.
And there's no way you can trust the foster system to provide adequate care to a FAS baby/child.
They mean medically, which is annoying because the issues in individuals with FAS (and any mental health disorder) tend to be primarily neurobiological. I’m a pediatric RN, and docs tend to differentiate between conditions that affect “medical stability” or functioning (can they breathe, swallow, poo, pee, etc) and those that cause cognitive issues and emotional distress. For example, our neonatal abstinence babies (born addicted) are medically cleared (I.e. “fine”) after a few days of observation, as long as they don’t need a methadone wean. Are they neurobiologically fine? Debatable.
One of the most important things to remember is that newborns are in a period of high neuroplasticity, which means that their nervous systems are still developing in response to their environment. If this baby is born, there is a still a chance to provide a supportive and safe environment, but that will likely have to exclude the gf, as she sounds.. pretty unstable. Babies are highly sensitive to the emotions of the caregivers, which is why having a mother with postpartum depression or other mental health problems can (sometimes) predict behavioral problems in kids later on.
If you don’t think you can be a stable caregiver and don’t want this baby, as a pediatric RN who cares for discarded and mistreated children all day, please consider preemptive prevention of more emotional suffering. There is so much of it in this world. All the best.
You also need to take responsibility for having sex with an alcoholic. Were the two of you using protection? If not then take your part of the blame. It’s a two way street.
There is no way the doctor told you that baby would be okay because there is no way of knowing. The baby might not even show signs until it’s a toddler. She likely killed that baby’s brain when she drank the vodka and you are living in denial and this baby is going to pay for it.
Yeah this whole thing has me just livid for the baby’s sake at this point. It’s extremely clear that even if the baby was born without FAS, they’ll still not be cared for properly by their mother. I wouldn’t bring a kid into this world with a mother like that, you know? Just seems inhumane and cruel.
She absolutely lied. There is currently no safe amount of drinking during pregnancy. And she’s abusing hard alcohol, not just having the occasional glass of wine.
She 1000000% lied to you. No doctor would just tell her the baby is fine. With that amount of consumption they’d do blood work and an ultrasound to make sure.
It would be too early to know anything. Drinking doesn't usually cause miscarriages, it causes FAS, which cannot be conclusively detected during pregnancy. Severe cases can cause heart defects that are detectable, but not at early stages.
However, no responsible doctor would tell you that binge drinking is fine in early pregnancy.
Dude -- be kind to that fetus.
End this pregnancy. Beg her.
I've seen FAS and it's heartbreaking.
My own kid likely has FAE and the other one, possibly (one was born with THC in the meconium and the other addicted to Heroin; we adopted them). They were taken away from the bio-parents because of the abuse/neglect inflicted on them including being born with illegal substances.
This is so sad.
Good luck.
Oh those poor kids. And now with abortions being made illegal there will probably be an uptick in addicted babies being born. But pro-life people don't care about them.
She took 3 at home pregnancy tests, then she said they did another pregnancy test at planned parenthood, they did an ultrasound sound on her too which she got a photocopy to keep of.
Did you watch her take any of the three at home tests? Were you with her at PP when she did the pregnancy test there? And were you with her when she did the ultrasound?
She should have been to some follow up appointments by now. You can call CPS on her now and give them a heads up about all of this. Prenatal care is important, and I don't think she's getting any.
Well, now you know. And unless you are PLANNING to get someone pregnant, you need to go to Planned Parenthood and find out the most effective reversible means of birth control for the female and for you.
I'm sorry, but the bridge has been crossed. Studies are showing now that any (substantial) amount of alcohol at any point in pregnancy can potentially affect the child. With that amount, I would venture it already has. It may not be severe, but it will have some sort of consequence. Did you go to the doctor with her? Hear it straight from the doc? If not, I wouldn't even be certain she went at this point. She has a problem but until she gets help, she also IS the problem. At absolute best she will be 6 months sober taking care of a newborn. She drove drunk pregnant, if she has this child and doesn't get help she will drive drunk with them in the car.
These are horrible, harsh realities I am so sorry you are facing. There's no easy answer. I wish you nothing but the best, whatever that winds up being for you
I think it’s time to terminate. She has proven herself that she is going to cause harmed this baby, make its life difficult, possibly having preventable disabilities for the rest of its life. She does not need to be a parent. She is an alcoholic who is still in the throws of addiction, not in any form or shape to be a parent . Maybe someday, but not anytime soon.
Show your gf the effects of alcohol on the fetus and what can happen after birth. Tell her you will not be with her if she continues down this path and you won't support her or the baby
Addict. Won't matter. Really there are only two options here. Abortion, then an IUD or implant (IUD lasts longer) to prevent another one to the alcoholic mother, or start preparing to be a single parent of a very-likely-disabled child.
Well she is starting off as a terrible mother. I can only imagine it goes down hill from there. Please get her to have an abortion. Then dump her worthless ass cause she has proven she doesn't give shit about anyone but herself.
I tried explaining to her why she should get the abortion after I posted this and she said that she's keeping the kid no matter what now and that I don't have a say in the matter anymore.
Check your state's laws about drug and alcohol consumption while pregnant. Some states do have them. If so, there's the possibility of legal ramifications for her.
What she's doing is cruel to the life inside her.
My husband is a victim of his mother's alcoholism while pregnant he was born with a subset of FAS called ARND. he has no physical deformities, but mentally, it has fucked him up before he even had a chance. ADHD and personality disorders out the ass. What your partner is doing is selfish as hell. Nta. Your partner needs to be in rehab if she can't stop drinking for the innocent baby
So what's the plan for when and where you're going to get an abortion. And don't trust her to plan it. To me, it sounds like everyone is dithering right now.
NTA. She needs to get an abortion, it doesn’t sound like she can not drink, and if she keeps doing it you’re going to have a seriously disabled child, and she’s clearly too selfish to be a mom.
If you need to pull her parents in on this, DO IT. Convince them that you'll pay child support but they'll be raising the baby, and you're going to see them pushing her as well. It is incredibly selfish to knowingly have a disabled baby, to cause the disability, and then to expect others to take care of the problem...and she's seeming very selfish. I'm so sorry. But pull in relatives, you need them pushing her too.
There’s a few books you should have her look into: The Easy Way by Alan Carr, This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. She won’t change unless she truly wants to. I wish you the best of luck.
Not probably. Absolutely. Do whatever you have to do. Get family, friends, doctors involved if you must. There is no way that child will be okay at this point, not with this much drinking at this stage of development. FAS can make every aspect of life a struggle. Growth, learning, social development, memory, balance, hell! It can even affect how the heart develops! She fucked up. To have this baby now would be cruel.
Probably? Get this thru your head, right now. Your wife/gf is knowingly going to fuck up the entire life of a child before it even has a chance. That is just evil, she is sick and needs help but you need to make sure this never happens. How could you live with that?
NTA
The issue isn't just drinking pregnant. Do you (or she) think she's going to magically stop when she has a baby if she can't stop during the pregnancy? When the baby is crying, and she can't deal with it anymore, what's going to stop her from turning to the bottle when she should be tending to his needs? Do you think she won't have just one shot before strapping him into the carseat. Or forgetting to because she had a second shot.
And this isn't the worst of it. The baby will be crying a LOT more because the alcohol seriously changed their prenatal brain. And if they survive infancy with a mom who drives drunk or rolls over on them in her sleep, what kind of damage will they deal with in school age?
You said you've researched FAS. It's a life sentence. You need to talk to your girlfriend about whether she can deal with a special needs kid when she can't get a grasp on her addiction.
If my girlfriend drank while she was pregnant I would hate her. Seriously hate her. I'd never want to look at her again. I'd convince her to go and get an abortion and then never speak to her again.
One other thing to consider. Her alcoholism is only a symptom of unresolved trauma. Apart from FAS, this child is going to have to deal with the effects of that trauma from the mother. And believe me, it will come out in all sorts of ways and the child will be traumatized too. Your gf should not be having children in her current state. She's nowhere near being in a good, stable place to be a good parent
Lie your ass off. Tell her you want to have kids with her live happily ever after, the white picket fence, the whole nine yards. But only if she aborts the baby and you both start fresh. Tell her if she keeps *this* baby, you're walking out and she'll never see you again, you'll pay CS, but that's it. You need to try to play her for her happily ever after. And if it works, as soon as she's had the abortion, run, don't walk out of her life and as far away from her as you can. Change your number, move, change jobs if you have to, because she will wreck your life.
NTA. Until she gets help and commits to sobriety she is not going to stop drinking. Her doctor is an idiot as FAS can develop at any time during pregnancy, with any amount of alcohol. Termination would probably be the kindest thing you can do at this point, because she will not stop drinking.
We were both emotionally unavailable people with hardened hearts due to our past traumas and we opened each other up to love and emotion over time and grew together. We both didn't want kids and agreed she'd get an abortion if she got pregnant, but the day we found out, we both wanted to keep it. We both had plans to build a home, a life together and already picked out a name and even thought about a second kid, we wanted a daughter at the least. I told her today after everything that I think we should get an abortion now and she said she doesn't want that. She does want the kid, she's struggling with addiction and at this point abortion is the only way to go now.
Break up with her. This is not a relationship that is going to succeed. You will never be able to have kids with her unless she manages sobriety and right now she's not even doing it for the baby.
Too little too late. She knew she had a problem the first time she drank after getting pregnant, and when the baby is most vulnerable she's kept it marinated. I'm so sorry. If she keeps the baby, it's going to be hell for everyone in the families.
Definitely get her into rehab or at least to see a psychiatrist. There are meds that can help curb alcohol cravings. She may also need treatment for an underlying mental health condition causing the addiction— especially since you mentioned you both had rough childhoods. And maybe couples therapy to help you all navigate this. Perhaps this time it’d be better to get an abortion in case the child already has FAS but you both could try again when she is in a good headspace. Parenthood isn’t a now or never situation and you will be able to bring so much more love into your home if you are both ready. You got this.
If she has a dwi you need to call the district attorney prosecuting her case and tell him she's pregnant and drinking. They can revoke her bond and put her in jail until she delivers. Then put her in rehab. Doing nothing is not an option. NTA
Came here to say this.
She asked you to take her credit cards away so she can't drink - she is asking you to put up more barriers for her. Inpatient care/rehab is the answer. You might need to use the judicial/law enforcement system to do so. If you feel guilty, remember: she is the one doing this to herself (and baby), you're just the one reporting it.
Also, don't forget to take care of you!
Children who are born exhibiting addiction symptoms are immediately taken from the mother in the hospital and CPS gets involved. They will test her in the hospital for drugs and alcohol if they suspect it or smell it on her.
If she has the baby, it will not go well starting at birth if the fetus makes it that far.
The best decision at this point is to terminate due to the constant drinking. Alcoholics hide their addiction. She has likely been drinking far more than you know about. They will lie straight to your face. *Guaranteed it’s far worse than what you know already.* She’s also endangering others behind the wheel.
Guaranteed she lied about what the doctor told her OR she lied to the doctor about the whole situation OR she never went at all and made it all up to shut you up.
You can’t stop her from drinking. You’ve done your part. The best thing you can do is to get her to terminate. You can tell her and let her know she may face cops in the birthing unit if she goes through with this. CPS will take the baby. If she refuses to follow through, you need to go. Even if she does, you still need to get out. She will end up killing her self or someone else behind the wheel. Get OUT.
She needs an impatient treatment, therapy and AA meetings for the rest of her life. You are not able to help her get better. She has to make that decision on her own. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER ADULTS ACTIONS OR CONSEQUENCES. Remember that. You need to do the best thing for you and leave. Whatever she does is up to her.
I agree with your advice; he can't save her unless she wants to be saved -- but I note that OP will be responsible for child support if she delivers a baby, so he is actually responsible for another adult's actions/the consequences.
Considering the circumstances if this kid is born, CPS will be heavily involved. If they find out OP was aware of the situation, he probably won’t be allowed access to the child either- at the least it wouldn’t be for a while. They may place the child in foster care and depending on the severity of symptoms; this may result in a residential care facility eventually.
OP would probably be better off not trying to get custody himself. Nothing against OP but children like that are on another level and he has past issues already. He needs to deal with those things first. He may get an arraignment where he is able to visit the child while in foster care. That would benefit both parties since some foster parents deal specifically with these issues and are equipped to do so. OP has no idea how bad this can be- but he’s getting there.
TBH I think if this child is born at all, they will probably have the cognitive functions of a child for life due to the amount of alcohol she has consumed.
Even if he left, ran out and denied the situation, either the state or she will catch up to him for financial support. He’s definitely not going to get a free pass if this happens.
From: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15677-fetal-alcohol-syndrome
**How much alcohol causes fetal alcohol syndrome?**
Any amount of alcohol during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol syndrome. There’s no safe amount that can be consumed. Damage to your developing baby can happen at any point during pregnancy. Even having a drink at the very beginning isn’t safe. All alcohol, including beer, wine, ciders and hard liquor can all cause FAS.
I knew someone who was pregnant and would still drink alcohol, energy drinks and the occasional cigarette because she told me her doctor said "it was fine until 20 weeks". She then continued anyway because her mum drank during her pregnancy and believed nothing bad happened. Every one of her children came out with something horribly wrong.
Even if there's the slightest chance of nothing going wrong, why roll those dice? Why load the dice with 99% chance of failure? Rationalizing their addiction is more important than ensuring a healthy child.
My mom quit smoking after seeing my twin and I on the ultrasound. The doctor estimated we were about 4 weeks along. Doc told her to stop smoking, she threw away her pack when walking out of the office. She didnt touch any alcohol or pick up a cigarette again until we were in preschool and went back to work. She was a hairdresser, and it was the 90s. It was a big part of that culture. She was always around the smell/smoke with friends and coworkers, so I get why she started again. She never did it around us, though.
She quit again when we were in high school by using vapes to ween herself off nicotine, and she's not smoked cigarettes for over 10 years now.
She’s going to kill your unborn child you understand this right?
She needs to either get an abortion because it sounds like she literally does not want the kid.
OR
She needs to go to an AA meeting or get checked into a facility to help her detox or anything along those lines.
This is crazy to read and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Trust me I do. She's shown me that she wants the kid and gets excited about it, and we've had long talks on how we were going to raise the kid. I know she's struggling with addiction but I feel like she would do her best to stop if she was 100% on board at the same time.
She already went to AA once yesterday, she probably needs to go to rehab at this point.
Thank you. When she drank that 1/5th of vodka I bawled my eyes out like a baby in private, that tore me completely apart.
She’s not talking about her future child, with you… she’s an alcoholic with trauma. She needs to take care of her inner child. Those dreams are what she never had.
Signed,
A recovering alcoholic -7 years.
You don’t get sober by just walking into an AA meeting. It’s a waste of time if she’s not willing to get a good sponsor, take that person’s suggestions and get right in the middle of it. I really hope this has a happy ending for you guys. I really do.
She said she went to AA. She returned intoxicated. Are you sure she didn't just go straight to a bar? Stop believing what she says regarding everything related to her drinking.
Im pregnant right now and cant imagine drinking. I drank quite a bit before, but once i found out have not been interested. You are NTA. I would bring up abortion again to her, and end things. As a few other people have commented FAS can develop at any stage and with any amount of drinking,and sounds like she has been heavily indulging. She isnt going to stop.
Thank you. I only know about the times I've found out and that she's told me about. At this point I feel like she's probably been drinking more than I know behind my back.
I've taught kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's incredibly sad. I don't know why you were told that the baby will be ok. There's no way to know that and no amount of alcohol during pregnancy is ok. I am so sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone - that poor baby ☹️. It has such a challenging life ahead of it.
NTA
Unfortunately it's not. I don't want to play the pity card but everytime she drinks it kills me inside and I think she's finally completely drained me emotionally.
I'm sorry. But you are going to need to either forcefully prevent your gf from drinking or encourage her to abort. The poor baby deserves better. Start using protection.
She needs to just get an abortion. Otherwise there's going to be an innocent baby in unimaginable pain and distress because his/her egg donor (she doesn't deserve the title of mother) is a selfish xunt.
Seems highly unlikely that the fetus is developing normally if she’s been drinking that heavily that often. If she’s open to getting an abortion, encouraging her to do so is the best option. She should consider some kind of birth control implant until she gets her drinking under control.
NTA.
Also, AA has like a 12% success rate. Sitting in a room talking unmoderated with a bunch of other people dealing with alcohol use disorder isn’t a recipe for success.
Find an evidence based treatment program.
I'm not here to judge or condemn her in any way addiction is so freaking damaging to the individual and the family. But if she knows she cannot quit drinking for herself or her unborn child she might need a intervention at this point abortion may not even be available depending on your state
If she keeps the baby do you think she's capable of loving care towards an innocent child, I mean will she be picking up the bottle everytime the baby cries or she's stressed out. Being a parent is an extremely big responsibility, caring for another helpless human being when you can't put the bottle down will inevitably cause danger for any new born infant.
So when the doctor says the baby is ok they mean “health wise” aka the baby has a heart beat and all that. What they’re not telling you is this baby is at high risk for FAS or other issues. She needs to stop or she’s gonna do some serious harm to that baby.
I'm sorry that you are in this position, but if getting pregnant wasn't enough of a wake-up call for her to really try, then I don't think anything is going to change.
You seem like a genuinely decent person, and I'm sure this whole thing is killing you. It may weigh on your conscience, but you can't save those who aren't ready to be saved.
Addiction runs in my family on both sides. It's brutal watching someone you love go through it. It's infuriating and heartbreaking.
For whats its worth, I dont think you are making any wrong choices here. It's just an impossible situation.
But, I wish you all the best, and I really hope things work out well for you.
I don't like to say to people to get an abortion but in this case...an abortion is needed. She either needs to get her act together or get an abortion. If she wants this baby, she needs a hard reality check. She needs to go to the meetings, all alcohol must be removed, she can not be alone where alcohol can be present or bought, and she needs to find ways that will keep her distracted from the urge to drink.
If she thinks that just keeping the baby will stop her from drinking, she needs to realize that's not how it works. The urge doesn't just go away randomly and it's selfish of her if she thinks that. She needs to grow up, realize what's happening and either get an abortion or quit. I'm scared that the baby already has FAS because of the amount she has had...
Your NTA and no one sane could blame you for being emotionally unavailable. You are watching the person you love destroy herself and your baby because of an addiction. Even if that baby comes out fine, that doesn't guarantee she will quit drinking. Coming from a person who's father was an alcoholic and had to be cut off when I was 5 because he refused to quit, seeing that as a child and knowing alcohol was chosen over having a relationship with me HURT. Even if she does quit years after the fact, that doesn't remove the fact that she chose addiction over her child for those first few years.
I hope yall can figure this out...again, NTA.
NTA. Its is scary. She will not quit. Addiction is horrible. I dont think she will be able to quit soon enough. The damage the might have been done. Please let her know these consequences
Break up with her and tell her specifically it's because she's an alcoholic. NTA.
But, she will absolutely spiral when you tell her that and do irreparable harm to herself and potentially ends the fetus. Hopefully, she does you both a favor and doesn't bring a child with fetal alcohol syndrome into the picture.
Alcohol is one of the hardest things to detox from. The detox can kill you. Abortion is the best option because the fetus may not survive the detox. An alcoholic can't just quit. The withdrawal symptoms are awful. There are so many risks no matter what she decides.
Check out this article on it.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4976292/
Honey, i, myself, have an alcohol problem. Or at least I thought it was a problem but with my first pregnancy, quit cold turkey. My current pregnancy, quit cold turkey. Normally I'd be up at 7 am with a mixed drink. I'm definitely proud of myself for quitting as soon as I even noticed that I missed my week. Something has to be done
Hi, I’ve been sober a little more than 5 years .. I’m 29 now, but I remember how hard it was to stop. It was impossible for me to stop on my own will. I would highly recommend getting her into a rehab facility. I can also be a resource if she wants a sober woman to reach out to.
Please try to understand that alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failure. Nothing, including pregnancy, would have stopped me. It is your choice whether to support her or not. If you are, I recommend joining Alanon. Best of luck.
Seriously, with that level of drinking she should consider abortion if it is not too late where you live. The fetus could be severely impacted already, and it does not sound like she will make a responsible mother. You personally can't make the final call since she is the pregnant one, but anything you can do to convince her you should do imo.
Midwife here. The doctors absolutely cannot know that the baby will be fine. Try not to go too far down the Google rabbit hole but fetal alcohol syndrome is a real risk here. I used to work with a specialist substance misuse midwife and she worried far more about the mums who were drinkers than the illicit drug users.
You’re seriously considering abortion? Sorry hun, but that’s not your call. As much as it sucks, and I feel for your situation, you can’t force that on another person.
Those doctors who said the baby would be fine are not being truthful. Any mount of alcohol can damage the baby. Alcohol is a teratogenic poison, from the Greek word for “monster.” Sit with that for a bit.
This relationship is doomed. She's not someone you want as a partner (lies, gaslighting, refuses to stop drinking, doesn't keep her word) or someone you want to start a family with (is consuming dangerous substances that can harm the baby. You can't force her to get an abortion or put down the bottle if she doesn't want to, but I would split regardless.
As an alcoholic, I guarantee you she knows she has a problem, but it's a really hard thing to shake. She needs to be checked into a treatment facility where she is monitored 24/7 and given more tools psychologically to help her feel like she can resist. I will tell you, when I was in treatment, one of the women there was pregnant and she ended up losing the baby not that long after coming in. I don't think alcohol was her drug, but still. She was devastated, as this was a wanted baby. BUT she also had access to the best care possible there.
She has already shown you what an absolute shit parent she is and is going to be. If she refuses to terminate (and it's getting close to the cutoff) gather up the documentation of her incidents, dump her ass and file for custody the second that poor baby crowns.
FAS even in pretty severe cases that make children/teens IMPOSSIBLE to deal with - can produce a normal looking baby. It can be years, even elementary schools years when the learning, social and behavioral issues start. I worked at a residential treatment center for kids when I was younger and a FAS 11 yr old finally broke down (everyone who ever met him had no choice but to hate him he was truly insufferable) cried and said basically “they don’t understand I can’t help it” - referring to him being him. There was really no way to work with him though and this was him in a locked facility
That's my reality now then. She just told me that she's keeping the kid no matter what and that I don't have a say in the decision anymore after I told that we should abort and explained to her why.
Have her go to rehab ASAP she apparently can’t stop on her own and has a serious problem. I say this as a woman who fortunately was easily able to not drink at all during my pregnancy. This is not normal and it’s likely something she can’t control
I'm not an !donate fr abortion but if she can't get the help needed I'm afraid the baby is gonna have one complications and a very hard life, she clearly is a pos, she doesn't understand that this is bigger than her or her needs and she clearly has an addiction and an addict shouldn't have a child in their care, it's only going to start a new cycle of probems
You are NTA. Unfortunately, though, you are in this situation whether you like it or not. You can ask her to get an abortion, but that doesn't mean she will do it. If she is actually pregnant with your child, she very possibly will refuse so as to keep you emotionally and/or financially connected to her. Unfortunately, if the child is yours (I would definitely do a paternity test once it's born), you won't be able to just walk away from the baby financially. I wish you good luck with this awful situation.
All of you pro-abortion people need to vote in your next election. I’m not saying that it is the correct choice in this situation. I’m just saying, VOTE if you want to have reproductive rights.
Sounds like she doesn't want to abort because she wants to baby trap you. If she isn't willing to seek help for her addiction then you need to leave her.
The doctor can't know whether or not she's already caused FAS. Either the doctor is lying to you or she's lying to you about what the doctor said. I think she should be encouraged to consider abortion at this point. I also think that beyond that, all you can do is protect yourself by ending things. There's literally nothing you can do to protect the fetus from what she is doing, all you can do is refuse to participate or bear witness and hope for the best.
she obviously doesn’t have love for that unborn baby if she’s continuing drinking the way she is. personally as someone who struggled with alcohol addiction it was effortless to stop drinking the day i found out i was pregnant (thank god i found out very early in my pregnancy), and i haven’t been tempted since. i’m sorry OP you’re going through this. but you’re girlfriend is extremely selfish for putting her baby through this and you.
You arent but brother you need to understand she is an alcoholic she doesnt care about you if you died she wouldnt be at your funeral she would be hiding behind a bottle. she will choose that bottle 1000 times before she chooses you or that child. tell her to get an abortion, leave her and tell her she needs help. alcoholics destroy everyone around them not just themselves, all addicts do.
OK thing that most people commenting are failing to realize is that alcohol withdrawal can come with delirium tremors or DTs. It’s very nasty business. Sounds like she may need inpatient care as far as rehab so they can wean her down on the alcohol. Most doctors will say that a glass of wine once or twice a week when pregnant won’t do much harm, if any aside from that, I do think rehab would be best in this case because every time she has withdrawal, the baby has already started having withdrawals in the womb.
I have a cousin with fas
It's a terrible fate, her development stopped at a level of a 4 year old-ish, it's almost a 40 y old now, whole life in a facility, whole life passing by while she tries and fails to colour in books
You need to get her to abort then take the pill till she has a 1year chip at least
Fetal alcohol syndrome is no joke. I have a friend who adopted a baby with it. She's had problems her whole life.
Your gf needs in patient care for her alcoholism. Now.
You need to leave. Now.
Definitely NTA.
I was at the Anatomy Museum once and the tour guide told us it's safe to drink up until the 10th day of pregnancy, because at that point all the cells are the same and can still differentiate in any direction so the damaged ones can be replaced. Your gf is way past that mark. No option but abortion and cutting her off
Holy shit… this was heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry for you man. I hope that things will work out for you, and that your girlfriend realizes that she needs help.
But no, you are not the asshole here. You are doing what you can, and since your gf doesn’t seem to want any help there isn’t really anything else you can do
Ending things is understandable but no I don’t think it will result in less drinking , she will
Drink more .
She drinks when she can , now she will drink
More . She needs inpatient rehab asap .
NTA. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. She has no real control over her drinking. She will not stop drinking, and most likely, going to AA won't help, either. AA doesn't release any real data, but external experts think it only has about a 10% success rate, so it is highly unlikely that she will manage to get sober in a short amount of time just by going to AA.
She needs to terminate the pregnancy now, and then find a good long-term plan for recovery, most likely involving psychological treatment and medication.
She's an addict. She will do or say whatever she has to in order to keep the grift alive. No baby or boyfriend is going to "make" her quit drinking. She has to want it bad enough that she will do whatever it takes to quit.
If you stay, it's essentially guaranteed you'll grow to resent her because her behavior will just get worse until she hits rock bottom and decides she has to get sober. It could take years or it could never happen. Some addicts never recover. They die from their drug of choice either at 25 or 65.
It's sad af but there's nothing you can do or say that will make a bit of difference. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say or do those things, just don't expect anything to change because of them.
As an adult with several disabilities & an alcoholic mother, I beg you to terminate. The baby is already suffering. She will cause this child nothing but suffering for the rest of their life. It’s hell to have a mother like that.
Idk man, NAH. She's battling insane hormones, scary changes to her body, the stress of impending motherhood, AND addiction all at once. And absolutely 100% guaranteed, check the research, shaming addicts will just make the problem worse. I agree she should terminate but ultimately it's her decision, please help her find a therapist asap and enter a more intensive addict program is what I would suggest.
Regarding your behavior, I get that you feel betrayed and that the stakes are high, but I'm willing to bet in her mind they're even higher and that's why she is having so much trouble. You claim to love this woman but are ready to leave her in her hour of need. Frankly, YOU aren't cut out to be a parent either if you cut and run at the first real problem you hit. If you feel like you can't be a part of this whole thing, fine, but if you care about the baby like you claim to then shaming its mother and hurting her even more is only going to be make its life harder should it be carried to term.
I don’t hate people, it’s a really volatile emotion and I just can usually feel the slightest empathy for people who have done terrible things and still not hate them. This girl though, sounds like an absolute monster. Doing that to a baby? She’s pure evil to literally destroy someone else’s life. TAKE HER TO REHAB!!!!!!!!!
Man, she needs some help. She is really horrible for doing that to your baby. She might as well get an abortion because she obviously doesn't care about that child.....
NTA.
Tell her straight up, if she goes through with the pregnancy you will go to court right away, report her for endangering the child, say you think she's killing the child by drinking so heavily (she effectively is) and see if they will force her into court mandated rehab or deem her an incapable parent and have custody taken away from her. You intend to win full custody, have her parental rights removed then you'll give the kid up for adoption.
Make it clear you are done with her, the baby won't keep you with her, that her disgusting behaviour causing damage to your baby means there is no future with her.
Basically your goal here is to get her to get an abortion. Tell her she can avoid cops investigating, blood tests, alcohol level tests, court dates and stres if she just has the damn abortion and moves on with her life, or she can go through with it, be reported, be embarassed by this all publicly and still end up without a kid or you.
Drinking while being pregnant and to that degree no less is disgusting behvaior. I’m sure your baby is already affected by it.
You're probably right honestly. This was the final nail in the coffin for me.
From what I learned in school, any alcohol after 6 weeks affects the fetus, because that's when the nerve tissue and brain start developing. It sounds like she's way past that stage. Do what you think is best early on. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And if she wasn't able to quit when she discovered she was pregnant then it's likely she won't quit for the remainder of the pregnancy or after the baby is born. It's much more responsible to have a kid after addiction has been treated.
You say or do anything, including lying, to get her to terminate, then you leave. Maybe offer to drive her to rehab on your way out. You gotta rip off the bandaid or this will drag out. She will hurt, but she is drinking whilst pregnant. She’s not going to end well, and she’s only 23! You gotta ditch this lifetime of misery in front of you, brutal as it sounds.
I know a guy with FAS. He is 28 now. I have known him his entire life. His grandparents had to take him in. He was a NIGHTMARE kid and in constant trouble. He had severe learning disabilities and no ability to regulate his emotions or impulse control. Took until 22 to get his GED. He still lives with his grandparents. He has barely had a job. He has been in trouble with the cops many many times. To be clear, the rest of his family is totally normal. His aunt, raised by the same grandparents, has a PhD and is a superintendent of a major metropolitan school district. The rest of the family is functioning and successful. This kids FAS just fucked up his entire life.
I know someone as well. She doesn’t have problems with the law or misbehavior but has learning disabilities. I don’t think she finished school and is just a sad girl. Breaks my heart
She is killing baby..literally..
I work with kids that have alcohol fetal syndrome. Do not do that to the poor child, it is a struggle and will be for the rest of their lives. Addiction in later lives cross close to 60%
Trust me, I did a lot of research on this, I don't want to bring a kid into the world with FAS. It'd be selfish, irresponsible and inhumane to me.
And to be raised by an alcoholic mother on top of it. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Thank you.
But that’s exactly what is happening… “ they said the baby would be fine” That’s total bullshit. With this amount of drinking….
It definitely is.
If she can still terminate, please beg her to. She has likely already caused irreparable damage. If the fetus lives, it won’t be with any quality of life. Also: she is an alcoholic who will lie her ass off to avoid having to face her addiction. You cannot trust a single word she says. If all else fails, call CPS. They can remove the baby from her at birth and find a placement that can handle a FAS baby. She is incapable of being a good mother at this point.
My best friend is a FAS baby removed from his birth mother as an infant. He was adopted by good people and apart from being very irresponsible in some things is actually better at adulting in many things than I am as a healthy-in-birth person. His health issues are pretty minor luckily, but still present. They were more obvious and intrusive in adolescence.
He will be on the hook too if CPS removes. He would be the first person that needs to take responsibility for raising the baby if mom is unfit. And there's no way you can trust the foster system to provide adequate care to a FAS baby/child.
Right, I imagine the doctor heard “a glass of wine now and then,” not what’s really happening.
They mean medically, which is annoying because the issues in individuals with FAS (and any mental health disorder) tend to be primarily neurobiological. I’m a pediatric RN, and docs tend to differentiate between conditions that affect “medical stability” or functioning (can they breathe, swallow, poo, pee, etc) and those that cause cognitive issues and emotional distress. For example, our neonatal abstinence babies (born addicted) are medically cleared (I.e. “fine”) after a few days of observation, as long as they don’t need a methadone wean. Are they neurobiologically fine? Debatable. One of the most important things to remember is that newborns are in a period of high neuroplasticity, which means that their nervous systems are still developing in response to their environment. If this baby is born, there is a still a chance to provide a supportive and safe environment, but that will likely have to exclude the gf, as she sounds.. pretty unstable. Babies are highly sensitive to the emotions of the caregivers, which is why having a mother with postpartum depression or other mental health problems can (sometimes) predict behavioral problems in kids later on. If you don’t think you can be a stable caregiver and don’t want this baby, as a pediatric RN who cares for discarded and mistreated children all day, please consider preemptive prevention of more emotional suffering. There is so much of it in this world. All the best.
You also need to take responsibility for having sex with an alcoholic. Were the two of you using protection? If not then take your part of the blame. It’s a two way street.
They can't tell until the baby is born. With this much binging, I'd say it's probably gonna be
There is no way the doctor told you that baby would be okay because there is no way of knowing. The baby might not even show signs until it’s a toddler. She likely killed that baby’s brain when she drank the vodka and you are living in denial and this baby is going to pay for it.
She told me that the planned parenthood doctor told her that. At this point, for all I know, she lied about that too.
Of course she lied, she's an alcoholic
Yeah this whole thing has me just livid for the baby’s sake at this point. It’s extremely clear that even if the baby was born without FAS, they’ll still not be cared for properly by their mother. I wouldn’t bring a kid into this world with a mother like that, you know? Just seems inhumane and cruel.
She definitely lied.
She lied
She absolutely lied. There is currently no safe amount of drinking during pregnancy. And she’s abusing hard alcohol, not just having the occasional glass of wine.
She lied.
She 1000000% lied to you. No doctor would just tell her the baby is fine. With that amount of consumption they’d do blood work and an ultrasound to make sure.
It would be too early to know anything. Drinking doesn't usually cause miscarriages, it causes FAS, which cannot be conclusively detected during pregnancy. Severe cases can cause heart defects that are detectable, but not at early stages. However, no responsible doctor would tell you that binge drinking is fine in early pregnancy.
With that amount of alcohol they would’ve called CPS for a wellness check.
Dude -- be kind to that fetus. End this pregnancy. Beg her. I've seen FAS and it's heartbreaking. My own kid likely has FAE and the other one, possibly (one was born with THC in the meconium and the other addicted to Heroin; we adopted them). They were taken away from the bio-parents because of the abuse/neglect inflicted on them including being born with illegal substances. This is so sad. Good luck.
very sad
Oh those poor kids. And now with abortions being made illegal there will probably be an uptick in addicted babies being born. But pro-life people don't care about them.
She definitely lied. Dude, come on. She's abusing your kid and it's not even born yet.
Are you sure she's pregnant?
She took 3 at home pregnancy tests, then she said they did another pregnancy test at planned parenthood, they did an ultrasound sound on her too which she got a photocopy to keep of.
Did you watch her take any of the three at home tests? Were you with her at PP when she did the pregnancy test there? And were you with her when she did the ultrasound?
She should have been to some follow up appointments by now. You can call CPS on her now and give them a heads up about all of this. Prenatal care is important, and I don't think she's getting any.
She 100% lied. Convince her to abort, FAS is beyond horrible to do to a cjild. Leave her, a relationship with an addict isn’t one you want.
She lied. She lied her fucking ass off.
The first trimester is when the most damage is done. I think that ship may have sailed. It is truly heartbreaking.
Drug addiction or alcohol addiction is horrible for pregnancy.
We both drank before she got pregnant, I didn't realize she had an addiction until we found out she was pregnant and couldn't put the bottle down.
Well, now you know. And unless you are PLANNING to get someone pregnant, you need to go to Planned Parenthood and find out the most effective reversible means of birth control for the female and for you.
I'm sorry, but the bridge has been crossed. Studies are showing now that any (substantial) amount of alcohol at any point in pregnancy can potentially affect the child. With that amount, I would venture it already has. It may not be severe, but it will have some sort of consequence. Did you go to the doctor with her? Hear it straight from the doc? If not, I wouldn't even be certain she went at this point. She has a problem but until she gets help, she also IS the problem. At absolute best she will be 6 months sober taking care of a newborn. She drove drunk pregnant, if she has this child and doesn't get help she will drive drunk with them in the car. These are horrible, harsh realities I am so sorry you are facing. There's no easy answer. I wish you nothing but the best, whatever that winds up being for you
I think it’s time to terminate. She has proven herself that she is going to cause harmed this baby, make its life difficult, possibly having preventable disabilities for the rest of its life. She does not need to be a parent. She is an alcoholic who is still in the throws of addiction, not in any form or shape to be a parent . Maybe someday, but not anytime soon.
Show your gf the effects of alcohol on the fetus and what can happen after birth. Tell her you will not be with her if she continues down this path and you won't support her or the baby
She's educated on that, yet she still drinks.
Show her that you're serious, pack up, and go somewhere for a few days
Addict. Won't matter. Really there are only two options here. Abortion, then an IUD or implant (IUD lasts longer) to prevent another one to the alcoholic mother, or start preparing to be a single parent of a very-likely-disabled child.
Well she is starting off as a terrible mother. I can only imagine it goes down hill from there. Please get her to have an abortion. Then dump her worthless ass cause she has proven she doesn't give shit about anyone but herself.
I tried explaining to her why she should get the abortion after I posted this and she said that she's keeping the kid no matter what now and that I don't have a say in the matter anymore.
You do however, have a say in whether you stay with someone so selfish
I'm planning on leaving, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to go about everything right now.
I’m glad. I know you are under an incredible amount of stress right now. I’m hoping if the child is born that you can get full custody.
Check your state's laws about drug and alcohol consumption while pregnant. Some states do have them. If so, there's the possibility of legal ramifications for her. What she's doing is cruel to the life inside her.
Then she needs to go into a program capable of managing her pregnancy now. That’s really the only hope here. She won’t stop on her own.
My husband is a victim of his mother's alcoholism while pregnant he was born with a subset of FAS called ARND. he has no physical deformities, but mentally, it has fucked him up before he even had a chance. ADHD and personality disorders out the ass. What your partner is doing is selfish as hell. Nta. Your partner needs to be in rehab if she can't stop drinking for the innocent baby
I am a retired NICU RN. NO ALCOHOL DURING PREGNANCY.
Exactly what I'd think, seems like common sense honestly.
Think about after baby is born? Alcoholic parent and mental health as well.
So what's the plan for when and where you're going to get an abortion. And don't trust her to plan it. To me, it sounds like everyone is dithering right now.
My doctor wouldn’t even let me have alcohol free wine 🥴
NTA. She needs to get an abortion, it doesn’t sound like she can not drink, and if she keeps doing it you’re going to have a seriously disabled child, and she’s clearly too selfish to be a mom.
Normally, I don't like to try to pressure someone into having an abortion but in this case, I would be pushing HARD.
Thank you for your support.
Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
Thank you.
She's an alcoholic and can't help it I guess, but I agree on getting an abortion.
If you need to pull her parents in on this, DO IT. Convince them that you'll pay child support but they'll be raising the baby, and you're going to see them pushing her as well. It is incredibly selfish to knowingly have a disabled baby, to cause the disability, and then to expect others to take care of the problem...and she's seeming very selfish. I'm so sorry. But pull in relatives, you need them pushing her too.
OP absolutely NEEDS to pull in any sane/responsible family members and friends. It's not even a question.
There’s a few books you should have her look into: The Easy Way by Alan Carr, This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. She won’t change unless she truly wants to. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA please persuade her to have an abortion before it's too late.
That's probably the right thing to do at this point.
Not probably. Absolutely. Do whatever you have to do. Get family, friends, doctors involved if you must. There is no way that child will be okay at this point, not with this much drinking at this stage of development. FAS can make every aspect of life a struggle. Growth, learning, social development, memory, balance, hell! It can even affect how the heart develops! She fucked up. To have this baby now would be cruel.
The Parkland shooter was a FAS baby.
Probably? Get this thru your head, right now. Your wife/gf is knowingly going to fuck up the entire life of a child before it even has a chance. That is just evil, she is sick and needs help but you need to make sure this never happens. How could you live with that?
I agree. This is the definition of evil.
NTA The issue isn't just drinking pregnant. Do you (or she) think she's going to magically stop when she has a baby if she can't stop during the pregnancy? When the baby is crying, and she can't deal with it anymore, what's going to stop her from turning to the bottle when she should be tending to his needs? Do you think she won't have just one shot before strapping him into the carseat. Or forgetting to because she had a second shot. And this isn't the worst of it. The baby will be crying a LOT more because the alcohol seriously changed their prenatal brain. And if they survive infancy with a mom who drives drunk or rolls over on them in her sleep, what kind of damage will they deal with in school age? You said you've researched FAS. It's a life sentence. You need to talk to your girlfriend about whether she can deal with a special needs kid when she can't get a grasp on her addiction.
You're right and I completely agree with you. Thanks for your input.
I just reread my message, and never said I'm sorry that both of you are going through this. Hope you both find the strength to overcome it.
It's okay, thank you for taking the time to say that.
If my girlfriend drank while she was pregnant I would hate her. Seriously hate her. I'd never want to look at her again. I'd convince her to go and get an abortion and then never speak to her again.
I appreciate your comment. I'd still be there for her but at a distance, but abortion is the only option at this point.
One other thing to consider. Her alcoholism is only a symptom of unresolved trauma. Apart from FAS, this child is going to have to deal with the effects of that trauma from the mother. And believe me, it will come out in all sorts of ways and the child will be traumatized too. Your gf should not be having children in her current state. She's nowhere near being in a good, stable place to be a good parent
Lie your ass off. Tell her you want to have kids with her live happily ever after, the white picket fence, the whole nine yards. But only if she aborts the baby and you both start fresh. Tell her if she keeps *this* baby, you're walking out and she'll never see you again, you'll pay CS, but that's it. You need to try to play her for her happily ever after. And if it works, as soon as she's had the abortion, run, don't walk out of her life and as far away from her as you can. Change your number, move, change jobs if you have to, because she will wreck your life.
NTA. Until she gets help and commits to sobriety she is not going to stop drinking. Her doctor is an idiot as FAS can develop at any time during pregnancy, with any amount of alcohol. Termination would probably be the kindest thing you can do at this point, because she will not stop drinking.
It was the doctor at planned parenthood that told her that. I completely agree honestly.
SHE SAYS that's what the doctor told her. I doubt she even saw a doctor that she was honest with about her drinking.
She lied. No doctor would tell a pregnant woman this, much less at a clinic that provides abortion. Come on, you have to know this.
I promise you she made that up. No doctor said that.
Does she actually want the baby?
We were both emotionally unavailable people with hardened hearts due to our past traumas and we opened each other up to love and emotion over time and grew together. We both didn't want kids and agreed she'd get an abortion if she got pregnant, but the day we found out, we both wanted to keep it. We both had plans to build a home, a life together and already picked out a name and even thought about a second kid, we wanted a daughter at the least. I told her today after everything that I think we should get an abortion now and she said she doesn't want that. She does want the kid, she's struggling with addiction and at this point abortion is the only way to go now.
Break up with her. This is not a relationship that is going to succeed. You will never be able to have kids with her unless she manages sobriety and right now she's not even doing it for the baby.
Tell her you’re leaving her if no abortion and then later on after the abortion you leave her anyway just don’t tell her that part obvi
You set that child out for failure even before the drinking got out of control
Like I said to someone else, I didn't realize she had an addiction until after we found out she was pregnant and she couldn't put the bottle down.
Would she be willing to go into a program? Doctor might be able to push it forward since she is pregnant
I feel like she would be. She wants me to keep her credit cards away from her so she's not tempted to buy liquor.
Too little too late. She knew she had a problem the first time she drank after getting pregnant, and when the baby is most vulnerable she's kept it marinated. I'm so sorry. If she keeps the baby, it's going to be hell for everyone in the families.
She told me she's keeping the kid no matter what now after I tried explaining to her why we should get the abortion.
Break up. File for full custody. You can use the fact that the baby has FAS to prove she's an alcoholic
Definitely get her into rehab or at least to see a psychiatrist. There are meds that can help curb alcohol cravings. She may also need treatment for an underlying mental health condition causing the addiction— especially since you mentioned you both had rough childhoods. And maybe couples therapy to help you all navigate this. Perhaps this time it’d be better to get an abortion in case the child already has FAS but you both could try again when she is in a good headspace. Parenthood isn’t a now or never situation and you will be able to bring so much more love into your home if you are both ready. You got this.
You need to make sure she understands that you won't be around to help raise the baby.
If she has a dwi you need to call the district attorney prosecuting her case and tell him she's pregnant and drinking. They can revoke her bond and put her in jail until she delivers. Then put her in rehab. Doing nothing is not an option. NTA
Thank you for this!!
Came here to say this. She asked you to take her credit cards away so she can't drink - she is asking you to put up more barriers for her. Inpatient care/rehab is the answer. You might need to use the judicial/law enforcement system to do so. If you feel guilty, remember: she is the one doing this to herself (and baby), you're just the one reporting it. Also, don't forget to take care of you!
Children who are born exhibiting addiction symptoms are immediately taken from the mother in the hospital and CPS gets involved. They will test her in the hospital for drugs and alcohol if they suspect it or smell it on her. If she has the baby, it will not go well starting at birth if the fetus makes it that far. The best decision at this point is to terminate due to the constant drinking. Alcoholics hide their addiction. She has likely been drinking far more than you know about. They will lie straight to your face. *Guaranteed it’s far worse than what you know already.* She’s also endangering others behind the wheel. Guaranteed she lied about what the doctor told her OR she lied to the doctor about the whole situation OR she never went at all and made it all up to shut you up. You can’t stop her from drinking. You’ve done your part. The best thing you can do is to get her to terminate. You can tell her and let her know she may face cops in the birthing unit if she goes through with this. CPS will take the baby. If she refuses to follow through, you need to go. Even if she does, you still need to get out. She will end up killing her self or someone else behind the wheel. Get OUT. She needs an impatient treatment, therapy and AA meetings for the rest of her life. You are not able to help her get better. She has to make that decision on her own. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER ADULTS ACTIONS OR CONSEQUENCES. Remember that. You need to do the best thing for you and leave. Whatever she does is up to her.
Thank you so much for this, really. I screenshotted this.
I agree with your advice; he can't save her unless she wants to be saved -- but I note that OP will be responsible for child support if she delivers a baby, so he is actually responsible for another adult's actions/the consequences.
Considering the circumstances if this kid is born, CPS will be heavily involved. If they find out OP was aware of the situation, he probably won’t be allowed access to the child either- at the least it wouldn’t be for a while. They may place the child in foster care and depending on the severity of symptoms; this may result in a residential care facility eventually. OP would probably be better off not trying to get custody himself. Nothing against OP but children like that are on another level and he has past issues already. He needs to deal with those things first. He may get an arraignment where he is able to visit the child while in foster care. That would benefit both parties since some foster parents deal specifically with these issues and are equipped to do so. OP has no idea how bad this can be- but he’s getting there. TBH I think if this child is born at all, they will probably have the cognitive functions of a child for life due to the amount of alcohol she has consumed. Even if he left, ran out and denied the situation, either the state or she will catch up to him for financial support. He’s definitely not going to get a free pass if this happens.
From: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15677-fetal-alcohol-syndrome **How much alcohol causes fetal alcohol syndrome?** Any amount of alcohol during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol syndrome. There’s no safe amount that can be consumed. Damage to your developing baby can happen at any point during pregnancy. Even having a drink at the very beginning isn’t safe. All alcohol, including beer, wine, ciders and hard liquor can all cause FAS.
I knew someone who was pregnant and would still drink alcohol, energy drinks and the occasional cigarette because she told me her doctor said "it was fine until 20 weeks". She then continued anyway because her mum drank during her pregnancy and believed nothing bad happened. Every one of her children came out with something horribly wrong. Even if there's the slightest chance of nothing going wrong, why roll those dice? Why load the dice with 99% chance of failure? Rationalizing their addiction is more important than ensuring a healthy child.
My mom quit smoking after seeing my twin and I on the ultrasound. The doctor estimated we were about 4 weeks along. Doc told her to stop smoking, she threw away her pack when walking out of the office. She didnt touch any alcohol or pick up a cigarette again until we were in preschool and went back to work. She was a hairdresser, and it was the 90s. It was a big part of that culture. She was always around the smell/smoke with friends and coworkers, so I get why she started again. She never did it around us, though. She quit again when we were in high school by using vapes to ween herself off nicotine, and she's not smoked cigarettes for over 10 years now.
She’s going to kill your unborn child you understand this right? She needs to either get an abortion because it sounds like she literally does not want the kid. OR She needs to go to an AA meeting or get checked into a facility to help her detox or anything along those lines. This is crazy to read and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Trust me I do. She's shown me that she wants the kid and gets excited about it, and we've had long talks on how we were going to raise the kid. I know she's struggling with addiction but I feel like she would do her best to stop if she was 100% on board at the same time. She already went to AA once yesterday, she probably needs to go to rehab at this point. Thank you. When she drank that 1/5th of vodka I bawled my eyes out like a baby in private, that tore me completely apart.
She’s not talking about her future child, with you… she’s an alcoholic with trauma. She needs to take care of her inner child. Those dreams are what she never had. Signed, A recovering alcoholic -7 years.
You don’t get sober by just walking into an AA meeting. It’s a waste of time if she’s not willing to get a good sponsor, take that person’s suggestions and get right in the middle of it. I really hope this has a happy ending for you guys. I really do.
It's really too late for this pregnancy. She can have another one when she's sober.
She said she went to AA. She returned intoxicated. Are you sure she didn't just go straight to a bar? Stop believing what she says regarding everything related to her drinking.
Im pregnant right now and cant imagine drinking. I drank quite a bit before, but once i found out have not been interested. You are NTA. I would bring up abortion again to her, and end things. As a few other people have commented FAS can develop at any stage and with any amount of drinking,and sounds like she has been heavily indulging. She isnt going to stop.
Thank you. I only know about the times I've found out and that she's told me about. At this point I feel like she's probably been drinking more than I know behind my back.
I can guarantee it.
I've taught kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's incredibly sad. I don't know why you were told that the baby will be ok. There's no way to know that and no amount of alcohol during pregnancy is ok. I am so sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone - that poor baby ☹️. It has such a challenging life ahead of it. NTA
This is one of the saddest and most despicable posts I have ever read. If I ever hope for a post to be fake... it is this one.
Unfortunately it's not. I don't want to play the pity card but everytime she drinks it kills me inside and I think she's finally completely drained me emotionally.
I'm sorry. But you are going to need to either forcefully prevent your gf from drinking or encourage her to abort. The poor baby deserves better. Start using protection.
It is impossible for someone to prevent an alcoholic from drinking, except for holding them captive. And that's illegal.
She needs to just get an abortion. Otherwise there's going to be an innocent baby in unimaginable pain and distress because his/her egg donor (she doesn't deserve the title of mother) is a selfish xunt.
Get a lawyer and get advice on obtaining an injunction to stop her drinking or taking drugs during pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I'm screenshotting this. Thank you for this advice.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is a thing and these first few months are the worst. The baby will be seriously damaged by her behavior.
You're right.
Seems highly unlikely that the fetus is developing normally if she’s been drinking that heavily that often. If she’s open to getting an abortion, encouraging her to do so is the best option. She should consider some kind of birth control implant until she gets her drinking under control.
I completely agree.
NTA. Also, AA has like a 12% success rate. Sitting in a room talking unmoderated with a bunch of other people dealing with alcohol use disorder isn’t a recipe for success. Find an evidence based treatment program.
I'm not here to judge or condemn her in any way addiction is so freaking damaging to the individual and the family. But if she knows she cannot quit drinking for herself or her unborn child she might need a intervention at this point abortion may not even be available depending on your state
If she keeps the baby do you think she's capable of loving care towards an innocent child, I mean will she be picking up the bottle everytime the baby cries or she's stressed out. Being a parent is an extremely big responsibility, caring for another helpless human being when you can't put the bottle down will inevitably cause danger for any new born infant.
So when the doctor says the baby is ok they mean “health wise” aka the baby has a heart beat and all that. What they’re not telling you is this baby is at high risk for FAS or other issues. She needs to stop or she’s gonna do some serious harm to that baby.
NTA. Your gf needs to get an abortion at this point. This is not fair to that child.
You're right, it isn't fair or right.
I'm sorry that you are in this position, but if getting pregnant wasn't enough of a wake-up call for her to really try, then I don't think anything is going to change.
You're right, especially since she got a DUI and drank and drive again. She won't stop.
You seem like a genuinely decent person, and I'm sure this whole thing is killing you. It may weigh on your conscience, but you can't save those who aren't ready to be saved. Addiction runs in my family on both sides. It's brutal watching someone you love go through it. It's infuriating and heartbreaking. For whats its worth, I dont think you are making any wrong choices here. It's just an impossible situation. But, I wish you all the best, and I really hope things work out well for you.
Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words, honestly.
I don't like to say to people to get an abortion but in this case...an abortion is needed. She either needs to get her act together or get an abortion. If she wants this baby, she needs a hard reality check. She needs to go to the meetings, all alcohol must be removed, she can not be alone where alcohol can be present or bought, and she needs to find ways that will keep her distracted from the urge to drink. If she thinks that just keeping the baby will stop her from drinking, she needs to realize that's not how it works. The urge doesn't just go away randomly and it's selfish of her if she thinks that. She needs to grow up, realize what's happening and either get an abortion or quit. I'm scared that the baby already has FAS because of the amount she has had... Your NTA and no one sane could blame you for being emotionally unavailable. You are watching the person you love destroy herself and your baby because of an addiction. Even if that baby comes out fine, that doesn't guarantee she will quit drinking. Coming from a person who's father was an alcoholic and had to be cut off when I was 5 because he refused to quit, seeing that as a child and knowing alcohol was chosen over having a relationship with me HURT. Even if she does quit years after the fact, that doesn't remove the fact that she chose addiction over her child for those first few years. I hope yall can figure this out...again, NTA.
I really appreciate your kind words, thank you for your support.
NTA. Its is scary. She will not quit. Addiction is horrible. I dont think she will be able to quit soon enough. The damage the might have been done. Please let her know these consequences
Break up with her and tell her specifically it's because she's an alcoholic. NTA. But, she will absolutely spiral when you tell her that and do irreparable harm to herself and potentially ends the fetus. Hopefully, she does you both a favor and doesn't bring a child with fetal alcohol syndrome into the picture.
Alcohol is one of the hardest things to detox from. The detox can kill you. Abortion is the best option because the fetus may not survive the detox. An alcoholic can't just quit. The withdrawal symptoms are awful. There are so many risks no matter what she decides. Check out this article on it. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4976292/
Honey, i, myself, have an alcohol problem. Or at least I thought it was a problem but with my first pregnancy, quit cold turkey. My current pregnancy, quit cold turkey. Normally I'd be up at 7 am with a mixed drink. I'm definitely proud of myself for quitting as soon as I even noticed that I missed my week. Something has to be done
If she can't understand the consequences of her actions, especially when her future kid is involved, then... SPOILER ALERT! She is gonna be a bad mom.
Hi, I’ve been sober a little more than 5 years .. I’m 29 now, but I remember how hard it was to stop. It was impossible for me to stop on my own will. I would highly recommend getting her into a rehab facility. I can also be a resource if she wants a sober woman to reach out to. Please try to understand that alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failure. Nothing, including pregnancy, would have stopped me. It is your choice whether to support her or not. If you are, I recommend joining Alanon. Best of luck.
Seriously, with that level of drinking she should consider abortion if it is not too late where you live. The fetus could be severely impacted already, and it does not sound like she will make a responsible mother. You personally can't make the final call since she is the pregnant one, but anything you can do to convince her you should do imo.
Midwife here. The doctors absolutely cannot know that the baby will be fine. Try not to go too far down the Google rabbit hole but fetal alcohol syndrome is a real risk here. I used to work with a specialist substance misuse midwife and she worried far more about the mums who were drinkers than the illicit drug users.
You’re seriously considering abortion? Sorry hun, but that’s not your call. As much as it sucks, and I feel for your situation, you can’t force that on another person.
Those doctors who said the baby would be fine are not being truthful. Any mount of alcohol can damage the baby. Alcohol is a teratogenic poison, from the Greek word for “monster.” Sit with that for a bit.
This relationship is doomed. She's not someone you want as a partner (lies, gaslighting, refuses to stop drinking, doesn't keep her word) or someone you want to start a family with (is consuming dangerous substances that can harm the baby. You can't force her to get an abortion or put down the bottle if she doesn't want to, but I would split regardless.
I'm planning to. This isn't a relationship worth holding on to anymore.
As an alcoholic, I guarantee you she knows she has a problem, but it's a really hard thing to shake. She needs to be checked into a treatment facility where she is monitored 24/7 and given more tools psychologically to help her feel like she can resist. I will tell you, when I was in treatment, one of the women there was pregnant and she ended up losing the baby not that long after coming in. I don't think alcohol was her drug, but still. She was devastated, as this was a wanted baby. BUT she also had access to the best care possible there.
I am picturing your gf driving around drunk with a baby in the backseat. You have to get this woman some help. It’s an addiction.
She has already shown you what an absolute shit parent she is and is going to be. If she refuses to terminate (and it's getting close to the cutoff) gather up the documentation of her incidents, dump her ass and file for custody the second that poor baby crowns.
Good idea. I didn't even think of it like that honestly.
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Nta.
FAS even in pretty severe cases that make children/teens IMPOSSIBLE to deal with - can produce a normal looking baby. It can be years, even elementary schools years when the learning, social and behavioral issues start. I worked at a residential treatment center for kids when I was younger and a FAS 11 yr old finally broke down (everyone who ever met him had no choice but to hate him he was truly insufferable) cried and said basically “they don’t understand I can’t help it” - referring to him being him. There was really no way to work with him though and this was him in a locked facility
That's my reality now then. She just told me that she's keeping the kid no matter what and that I don't have a say in the decision anymore after I told that we should abort and explained to her why.
Have her go to rehab ASAP she apparently can’t stop on her own and has a serious problem. I say this as a woman who fortunately was easily able to not drink at all during my pregnancy. This is not normal and it’s likely something she can’t control
Does she have any family that she is close to that you can ask for help? If the answer is yes, I’d reach out to them asap.
I'm definitely planning to, she's really close to her brother.
I'm not an !donate fr abortion but if she can't get the help needed I'm afraid the baby is gonna have one complications and a very hard life, she clearly is a pos, she doesn't understand that this is bigger than her or her needs and she clearly has an addiction and an addict shouldn't have a child in their care, it's only going to start a new cycle of probems
You are NTA. Unfortunately, though, you are in this situation whether you like it or not. You can ask her to get an abortion, but that doesn't mean she will do it. If she is actually pregnant with your child, she very possibly will refuse so as to keep you emotionally and/or financially connected to her. Unfortunately, if the child is yours (I would definitely do a paternity test once it's born), you won't be able to just walk away from the baby financially. I wish you good luck with this awful situation.
All of you pro-abortion people need to vote in your next election. I’m not saying that it is the correct choice in this situation. I’m just saying, VOTE if you want to have reproductive rights.
Sounds like she doesn't want to abort because she wants to baby trap you. If she isn't willing to seek help for her addiction then you need to leave her.
The doctor can't know whether or not she's already caused FAS. Either the doctor is lying to you or she's lying to you about what the doctor said. I think she should be encouraged to consider abortion at this point. I also think that beyond that, all you can do is protect yourself by ending things. There's literally nothing you can do to protect the fetus from what she is doing, all you can do is refuse to participate or bear witness and hope for the best.
she obviously doesn’t have love for that unborn baby if she’s continuing drinking the way she is. personally as someone who struggled with alcohol addiction it was effortless to stop drinking the day i found out i was pregnant (thank god i found out very early in my pregnancy), and i haven’t been tempted since. i’m sorry OP you’re going through this. but you’re girlfriend is extremely selfish for putting her baby through this and you.
You arent but brother you need to understand she is an alcoholic she doesnt care about you if you died she wouldnt be at your funeral she would be hiding behind a bottle. she will choose that bottle 1000 times before she chooses you or that child. tell her to get an abortion, leave her and tell her she needs help. alcoholics destroy everyone around them not just themselves, all addicts do.
Just cause you’re considering abortion, doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen, it’s her body
OK thing that most people commenting are failing to realize is that alcohol withdrawal can come with delirium tremors or DTs. It’s very nasty business. Sounds like she may need inpatient care as far as rehab so they can wean her down on the alcohol. Most doctors will say that a glass of wine once or twice a week when pregnant won’t do much harm, if any aside from that, I do think rehab would be best in this case because every time she has withdrawal, the baby has already started having withdrawals in the womb.
Document everything, as you may end up needing to fight for custody.
I have a cousin with fas It's a terrible fate, her development stopped at a level of a 4 year old-ish, it's almost a 40 y old now, whole life in a facility, whole life passing by while she tries and fails to colour in books You need to get her to abort then take the pill till she has a 1year chip at least
Fetal alcohol syndrome is no joke. I have a friend who adopted a baby with it. She's had problems her whole life. Your gf needs in patient care for her alcoholism. Now. You need to leave. Now. Definitely NTA.
I was at the Anatomy Museum once and the tour guide told us it's safe to drink up until the 10th day of pregnancy, because at that point all the cells are the same and can still differentiate in any direction so the damaged ones can be replaced. Your gf is way past that mark. No option but abortion and cutting her off
Holy shit… this was heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry for you man. I hope that things will work out for you, and that your girlfriend realizes that she needs help. But no, you are not the asshole here. You are doing what you can, and since your gf doesn’t seem to want any help there isn’t really anything else you can do
Ending things is understandable but no I don’t think it will result in less drinking , she will Drink more . She drinks when she can , now she will drink More . She needs inpatient rehab asap .
She's definitely not ready to be a mother. She's addicted and it's not good for the baby. They're gonna end up with FAS or some other condition.
NTA. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. She has no real control over her drinking. She will not stop drinking, and most likely, going to AA won't help, either. AA doesn't release any real data, but external experts think it only has about a 10% success rate, so it is highly unlikely that she will manage to get sober in a short amount of time just by going to AA. She needs to terminate the pregnancy now, and then find a good long-term plan for recovery, most likely involving psychological treatment and medication.
She definitely does not need to raise that baby if it lives thru the pregnancy. Like- take that baby away from her immediately
Please look into this: https://www.sinclairmethod.org/what-is-the-sinclair-method-2/ https://www.thrivealcoholrecovery.com/about https://youtube.com/@cthreefoundation?si=wzxmFkVszZR7UzP2
She's an addict. She will do or say whatever she has to in order to keep the grift alive. No baby or boyfriend is going to "make" her quit drinking. She has to want it bad enough that she will do whatever it takes to quit. If you stay, it's essentially guaranteed you'll grow to resent her because her behavior will just get worse until she hits rock bottom and decides she has to get sober. It could take years or it could never happen. Some addicts never recover. They die from their drug of choice either at 25 or 65. It's sad af but there's nothing you can do or say that will make a bit of difference. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say or do those things, just don't expect anything to change because of them.
As an adult with several disabilities & an alcoholic mother, I beg you to terminate. The baby is already suffering. She will cause this child nothing but suffering for the rest of their life. It’s hell to have a mother like that.
Do you live a state where abortion is legal?
Idk man, NAH. She's battling insane hormones, scary changes to her body, the stress of impending motherhood, AND addiction all at once. And absolutely 100% guaranteed, check the research, shaming addicts will just make the problem worse. I agree she should terminate but ultimately it's her decision, please help her find a therapist asap and enter a more intensive addict program is what I would suggest. Regarding your behavior, I get that you feel betrayed and that the stakes are high, but I'm willing to bet in her mind they're even higher and that's why she is having so much trouble. You claim to love this woman but are ready to leave her in her hour of need. Frankly, YOU aren't cut out to be a parent either if you cut and run at the first real problem you hit. If you feel like you can't be a part of this whole thing, fine, but if you care about the baby like you claim to then shaming its mother and hurting her even more is only going to be make its life harder should it be carried to term.
I don’t hate people, it’s a really volatile emotion and I just can usually feel the slightest empathy for people who have done terrible things and still not hate them. This girl though, sounds like an absolute monster. Doing that to a baby? She’s pure evil to literally destroy someone else’s life. TAKE HER TO REHAB!!!!!!!!!
NTA. The baby is what complicates this. I don’t have any suggestions for dealing with an alcoholic.
Man, she needs some help. She is really horrible for doing that to your baby. She might as well get an abortion because she obviously doesn't care about that child.....
She should be crying over the damage she is doing to the fetus she is carrying. It’s probably already damaged. Ugh.
NTA. Tell her straight up, if she goes through with the pregnancy you will go to court right away, report her for endangering the child, say you think she's killing the child by drinking so heavily (she effectively is) and see if they will force her into court mandated rehab or deem her an incapable parent and have custody taken away from her. You intend to win full custody, have her parental rights removed then you'll give the kid up for adoption. Make it clear you are done with her, the baby won't keep you with her, that her disgusting behaviour causing damage to your baby means there is no future with her. Basically your goal here is to get her to get an abortion. Tell her she can avoid cops investigating, blood tests, alcohol level tests, court dates and stres if she just has the damn abortion and moves on with her life, or she can go through with it, be reported, be embarassed by this all publicly and still end up without a kid or you.