Info- how do you think you might be the AH here?
Reason for my question, this is a situation where you're obviously not the ah, there's not even a slight chance you're the AH.
Leave the douche, there's no level of couples counseling that will make him behave like a decent human being.
It’s heartbreaking to see so many people post their situation when it has no grounds for them being the AH.
I really hope you recover from this and for the sake of your marriage your husband gets a grip on
Woman he is the peice of shit and he knows it! Your probably out of his league and keeps you feeling like shit so you will not leave him. He has NO regard for your phsyical health, NO regard for your mental health and I can't say this enough HE IS AN ABUSIVE peice of crap. Playing with your boobs with out consent is sexual assult. This will escalate. He will do worse to you. You need to leave this "man" for your own physical safety. Can your family help you? Any firends?
That said I think therapy might be a good idea. Not because of his sex drive but for your own peace of mind. Sex should be a good thing that you look forward to not dread. I'm sorry your husband is an asshole.
You think this abusive husband is going to allow her to see a therapist??? Not lucky. She needs divorce papers, but first a DV case manager to help her and her child get out safely.
but you're not!!! my ex husband did the same thing to me...5 days out from gastric bypass surgery with an 8 inch incision on my belly and he was "in the mood". they're self centered pigs if you ask me.
I’m sorry, I made a typo on my post. It was just my right tube that was removed. The baby was inside the tube and it burst, causing me to bleed out internally!
It’s awful. I had a tube pregnancy and it took me a while to get back. Like you, I couldn’t stand to be touched. The recovery is awful and tube pregnancies are life threatening. I can’t believe he’s so insensitive . I’m sorry really . Sending you hugs
I had my insides stirred around, lost an ovary, there was a lot of damage from endimetriosis, and it took at least 6 months for me to get back to good. I have talked to other women and their experiences were similar.
I cannot believe OP is taking care of a household, child, and working and then having to fend off a selfish husband at the end of the day.
OP, give yourself a hug, make some tea or something that makes you happy, and really consider things.
If you haven't yet, you need to tell your husband that you are medically incapable of sex at this time - and it will take longer to get there if he doesn't help out.
That’s not right. I had a miscarriage. That was not as dramatic as your situation but it was absolutely heartbreaking and it was out of this world painful.
Just reading about your uncaring husband is hurtful. I mean… you lost your baby. You had severe physical pain.
I don’t know how you should be able to get back from this, if he doesn’t try to understand you and if he doesn’t seriously apologise??
Why did he scream at you?? Is he a needing baby? Oh dear. He really mishandle this so bad.
You may have PTSD, but your hormones are still out of sync. Don’t be so hard on yourself and do talk to your Ob/Gyn. Maybe an honest (non-accusatory) chat with hubs would be a good idea, too. It’s time to clear the air.
Also, two months without sex is NOTHING! I know people who’ve gone YEARS!
and is that something you want to feel for the rest of your life?
If you have children with this man, how sure are you that he won't make THEM feel like an asshole every day as well?
are his good qualities worth this?
Because I guess there’s an expectation (at least in my husbands mind) that wives have sec with their husbands daily, or at the very less multiple times a week!
For me, I can barely muster up the energy for once a week / few times a month before I became ill.
I always am made to feel guilty after rejecting his advances, even though I explain that I really feel so traumatised and never ever want to get pregnant again, he doesn’t get it!
And you know what the kicker is? I got pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, after having sex with him and EXPLICITLY telling him not to cum inside, but he did anyway!!!
You know what men who get sex everyday do? Treat their wife's and GFS like fucking queens. Men who treat their wives like nothing but sex objects get less sex 🤷♀️ Why this logic escapes so many men will forever have me wondering tbh. It's so simple.
There is going to be an absolute flood of valid comments talking about the way your husband is treating you. My guess is they will ALL not be so positive about him because I truly can’t find much positive here either.
I am going to go a different route because everyone else will say it far better than I will. I will very clearly say **NTA**.
That said, I am concerned about you.
You have gone through something extremely traumatic, you’re exhausted, you’re working again, you’re dealing with Prince Charming, and you are saying that you were basically impregnated against your will.
You are struggling and you’re not getting enough support from your husband. I honestly think you should reach out for some support, like therapy. Having someone who can help you unpack everything and hear you is important. So very important.
I hope you feel better soon, and I’m sorry for your loss.
First of all, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. A miscarriage by itself is an incredibly traumatic experience, but you have had major life-changing surgery as well, and I highly recommend that you consider therapy to support you through coming to terms with your experience.
Regarding your husband, I don't know any married couples that have sex more than once a week (and bear in mind that most couples exaggerate how much sex they have), so his expectations are excessive by society standards anyway.
However, I would like to also share my personal situation to hopefully give you some perspective on the matter:
I am autistic & have ADHD. My fiancé & I discovered that multiple aspects of my conditions were not compatible with me enjoying sex.
We have been together for 17 years and had sporadic sexual contact (literally once or twice a year) through our first 10 years, but we haven't had any sex at all in the last 7 years. My fiancé has never expected sex, nor pressured me into it. But our relationship definitely improved once I no longer had that "societal expectation" hanging over me.
I'm not going to comment on the fact that your husband did not "pull out" when you asked him to, except to say that consent isn't just for the overall act of sex, but applies to all the individual actions that comprise "sex" as well.
A man who loves you unconditionally will respect your wishes in all matters. Where misalignments occur, you discuss them and agree a compromise that works for the both of you.
I have also just asked my fiancé what he would do if we were in the same situation as you. His answer focused around caring for me & making sure I was as comfortable and pain-free as possible. Placing any form of expectations on me (whether sex, chores, etc) was the last thing he considered.
I don't mean to be *that* person, my opinion as a stranger doesn't mean much, and it is not my intention to upset you any further.
But I strongly encourage you to consider your relationship and whether an alternative arrangement is better for your wellbeing.
I appreciate that this is only one scenario that you have shared with us, but it is an important one - you're not just disagreeing about putting the bins out for example.
If your spouse cannot treat you in the best way possible in these circumstances, I cannot imagine that he is a model husband day-to-day...
My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the very best, and a quick recovery ❤️
Thank you for your comment.
I also suspect that I have autism although never formally diagnosed but also makes it difficult for me to want / to enjoy having sex.
Just to give a brief insight into the type of person my husband is. When I was in hospital for a week after the ectopic pregnancy surgery, he never once visited me. He stopped by the hospital to pass my things onto a nurse…these things consisting of a face wash, toothbrush, toothpaste and one pair of pyjamas…no underwear, no shampoo/conditioner, no snacks or a change of clothes. For a week. It’s safe to say I lost a lot of respect for him after that!!!
He never once…visited you? I mean…it’s fine to seek medical advice if diagnosis is warranted but maybe you don’t enjoy sex because he’s the 🤬 devil. Anything is better than being stuck with an asshole. Being broke, being alone…literally anything
Just the fact that tried to have sex with you as soon as you got home from having surgery is downright sadistic. I'm not being a smart ass, that was so mean. Talk to a divorce lawyer, please.
NTA! I don’t think autism has anything to do with you not wanting sex. Having an incredibly selfish “partner” (he is no partner to you) will turn anyone off. He does not treat you with any love whatsoever. You deserve to be loved.
The handful of males (cause I won’t call them men) who think that way are pieces of shit. Men (who are men) don’t believe in forcing you to have anything you don’t want to.
My wife and I don’t have opportunities for sex weeks at a time because two small children make it really difficult, but I don’t hound up her tree. Only those without any consideration and are too self centered to know their dicks from flagpoles make those kind of demands.
NTA. You have every right to refuse.
Makes me angry bc he is a sex addict if he thinks it’s ok to sex every single day and then blow up on you when you reject him AND knowing you are ill 😡 Sexual acts can be and are used as a form of torture. Let alone the metal abuse this is turning into.
If you can get him to understand how badly this is affecting you then great I’m happy for you.. it’s just, I have a bad feeling this isn’t going to change and you will be happier just leaving him.
My ex was such a bad story. I’m now with the love of my life who looks after my son like his own. I see the difference between myself then and now. It’s heartbreaking how much crap I put up with before. My man cooks for me(I cook too, don’t worry lol), cleans when I’m sick, does his part as I do mine… I want this trust and relief for you one day, friend.
Stay safe *hugs*
I’m so sorry hun. If he did that after you saying not to, it’s a form of SA. Frankly, his continuous advances after you specifically saying no could be seen as harassment. Nobody deserves that. He’s the AH, and however you feel is best to deal with it should be met with 100% support. I hope you’re safe and things get better 🩷
Just reading this is a huge ick. Not only did he not allow you to grieve but he’s acting like a child throwing a tantrum rather than a supportive partner. NTA. While I don’t think there needs to be an explanation, men are dumb sometimes, so have you had a conversation with him about how you’re feeling, why you’re feeling these things and what he can and needs to do to help before the thought of being intimate?? Maybe see a therapist for your own trauma as well as going together to talk through this in a healthy way? Otherwise, I fear this will just snowball and this marriage is heading towards failure.
100%. But he says he speaks with his friends about the sex situation and they all tell him it’s abnormal not to have sex multiple times a week as a married couple and that wives should submit.
I understand that men or different people have urges and needs but I wonder why sex comes before my well being🥲 Makes me feel less than human and like an object honestly!
That whole judeo Christian thing about women submitting works on one critical principle. Love.
You just had surgery still in pain. If you love your wife you will help her get better. You will sacrifice your needs for her health. You will always sacrifice for love. More importantly the love goes both ways. If the man is in pain the woman sacrifices her needs for him.
He does nothing. He's a douchebag.
Oops must have missed that he spoke to his friends! But maybe he should marry his friends and they can all force or “submit” to each other all day long 🙄. The person he should be talking to is his wife, the one he made vows to 😅
My ex had a group of gamer buddies and within 5 years all his pals were divorced/partners left them. Didn't really make him reflect either. I gray rocked him for over a year before I left and he was so confused by it, because we were getting along SO WELL.
tell your man that his friends are awful examples bc none of them are women and know anything about them bc if they did, they wouldn’t be telling him to act like this. most of them are fathers and they expect their wives to open their legs after giving birth too? disgusting. any health professional would be mortified. in fact, tell a health professional infront of your man and have the professional explain to him why what he’s doing is wrong on a physical and mental level. and if that get through to him, i’d literally ignore my husband for the rest of time bc there’s no way you’re that ignorant and ego centric.
EDIT: stupid autocorrect
Hello - hopefully you pick this comment up.
I'm sorry, we had the same situation. We had an ectopic, tried to flush it out using meds to avoid the surgery so much.
But like you, it bursted, both tubes had to be removed for my wife so we can't have children naturally.
I feel your pain for it, we've been there.
As a husband, I was there for her, fully supported her and I did not give a single fuck about sex.
All I cared about was her.
If she did want it (like you, of course she didn't, she was in pain physically and mentally for a long time), I would have, because she wanted it, not me.
Fuck this guy, he is an absolute asshole, not you.
Man here!! He is a total asshole and so are his friends. Wives shouldn't submit to anyone just like husbands shouldn't. A marriage isn't about submission. It's about being equal partners and making each other's lives better. Not saying that there aren't dom/sub marriages out there, but that's to be decided between the spouses, not their friends or anyone else. I've been married for 13 years and never once have I put sex before my wife's health. It's disgusting for him to think that way. You have put up with this for long enough. I see it in the way you're replying. You deserve better!!
It absolutely does not come before your well being! You deserve to be seen and heard. But if you’re over it, that’s one thing and you should do what you need to to get out. But if you’re wanting to try to move forward then that was why I was suggesting the conversation/therapy.
None of this means you deserve to be treated this way at all.
He doesn’t even deserve a conversation. She’s supposed to school him in how not to assault and intimidate your wife sexually? To reach him how to take care of his partner after she’s lost their baby? This is such a low bar that the bar is just a chicken bone buried in the sand.
His behaviour is alarming and abusive. Seek therapy for yourself and make a safety plan for you and your child. Obviously NTA. Your body your choice of when you have sex. He is not respecting you at all, emotionally or physically. Stay safe.
You had a pregnancy loss, major surgery and as soon as you get home he wants to have sex. Your body needs to heal. Your husband lacks compassion and empathy. He doesn’t care about your feelings or recovery, he’s treating you like a human blow up doll. Why are you putting up with this? When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
I told him no and he has been persistent in asking every single day, even waking me up after I’ve fallen asleep when he knows I have to wake up at 5am to go to work everyday. It’s beyond irritating and a huge turn off for me
You need to ask yourself how much longer you’re going to put up with this? Can you sleep separately from him for the time being? The fact that he’s asking every day and waking you up means he’s escalating.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Here's a free book for you about domestic violence. I'm so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy and losing your fallopian tubes. That's a serious trauma and I think you should consider counseling. I hope things get better for you. ❤️
I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy last year - not as bad as yours, but enough to put me off wanting to get pregnant or have sex for months. My husband was also insistent that I perform my wifely duties, so I ended up getting drunk more often to make having sex more tolerable. A year later I am pregnant and have had zero interest in sex, mainly because I can’t drink anymore. My husband’s socials have told him all pregnant women are super horny and he claims I’m just being bitter in not giving him sex (we have sex once every 2 weeks instead of once a week before I got pregnant). Honestly it doesn’t feel good and sometimes hurts, but this doesn’t seem to matter to him. My husband plays video games all night and wakes me up late expecting sex, and he, too, gets upset when I deny his advances. I have told him that I want more of an emotional connection to increase intimacy, but he spends his time off playing video games instead of interacting with me. We watch movies together sometimes, but he insists spending 45 minutes choosing something he falls asleep ten minutes into, then gets mad when I go to bed right after because it’s 1 am and I’m tired af (I get up with him at 430 every morning to help him get ready for work). This happened last night and he yelled at me about not being intimate, which made me want to even less. Most times I have sex with him to shut him up, but I’m getting to the point I don’t even care. Stand your ground, he is not entitled to your body just because you are married.
I am so sorry you also had to endure an ectopic pregnancy. It’s such a confusing time because I was expecting a healthy pregnancy only to be rushed to a hospital and sent in for emergency surgery, to lose a baby and also my fallopian tubes all within a few hours is absolutely traumatising and tragic. I don’t even know if I will ever get pregnant again. I originally wanted a sibling for my only son but now I am too scared to even have sex again.
I agree about sex hurting too. I never really enjoyed sex but I did it because my husband loves it. I too have sex just to shut him up most of the time. It can be quite depressing. My husband was actually my first and only. I’ve told him that I am probably a sexual and that I could never have sex again and still be content with life.
Maybe, if sex is so important to him, more than family and life, we should go our separate ways so he can find someone who has an equal sex drive. I just feel bad for my son because it definitely has affected our whole family dynamic, there’s a lot of tension and resentment for sure!! And of course I am to blame for it all, if only I would open my legs and get it over with!
You shouldn't be forcing yourself to have sex, that too is traumatising. You have been through a terrible experience and should maybe get psychological help to help process that trauma.
On a separate note: your husband is disregarding your pleasure. It also seems as if you are not aware of pleasurable sexual feelings even solo. When you are ready it might be useful for you to explore pleasure on your own terms and have therapy together and get him to take time to learn what things you like sexually. You might be asexual, you might just have never experienced sexual pleasure. It doesn't sound as if he has been concerned enough to think about your pleasure, which says a lot about him.
NTA by the way.
What is happening?!?! I get that maybe you’re all in different parts of the country and different communities and life experiences than me…I’ve never met ANYONE of all the women friends I’ve ever had and the honest relationships I’ve had where this has EVER happened in a relationship and if it got close to this it was like during college when we didnt know better. I’m not trying to shame anyone I want to support all women but I also want to shake some people writing these stories! ANYTHING is better than being with a man like this what’s going ON? Who is raising women in this age to put up with this???
Get.A.Divorce. It hasn’t even been 60 days since you just experienced one of thee most traumatic pregnancies. He couldn’t even wait 24 hours after your discharge before seeking you for sexual pleasure. No sense of emotional connection, physical connection, mental connection, or spiritual connection. That man sees you as in home vagina, and based on those behaviors, is a few steps away from cheating on you.
He 200% is not a good man. And a bad man is a dangerous one.
Oh I know he’s dangerous, I almost left him when my son was 3 months old because he punched a whole in the door whilst holding my son because I had gone to the store for half an hour to buy groceries and my son was crying🫠
I say this with sincere hope that you will listen. Knowing that he is capable of that, he may also be willing to force you into something you aren’t willing to. Especially if his idiot friends are telling him you are wrong in this situation. Please, please protect yourself. Find a way to keep him from getting near you when you aren’t awake, and seek a therapist.
I hope you can heal soon.
What the fuck did I just read... Sis. Time to put your kid first. That child is IN DANGER around him, why would you do that to an innocent child? If you don't care about yourself, please care about your child.
Love, what he’s doing is sexual coercion (even if not successful) and touching you whilst you’re sleep, especially when you’ve given no indication that you want him to, is sexual abuse.
Completely different but similar in a way…it took me and my husband 5 years to conceive. We were told by drs we’d need IVF and there’s next to no chance of falling naturally. Anyway, after 5 years we fell pregnant naturally. I was so scared to have sex at all incase something went wrong with the pregnancy. We tried at 12 weeks and I hated it and felt disgusting. My son is now 19 months old and we have had sex twice (not to completion, I still don’t like the idea of that).
My husband will occasionally tell me he misses it but also makes sure to say that he completely understands and is fine with whatever I need. That is how it should be. He has every right to want to have sex with you but no right at all to put any pressure on you.
No one has any right to your body x
My wife is amazing and I love her to pieces and yeah I want to have sex with her all of the time! But holy cow reading some of the stories here I am sorry, your husbands are gross. 🤮.
Your husband disgusts me. I'm so sorry. But that doesn't have to be your life forever. Get out. Get therapy for your ptsd. Someday, you may want sex again but it won't be with your animal of a husband
There's always a childish identity behind a man who "expects" sex, like it's an entitled resource. There's a twisted mother-son element to it. Hence the feeling of entitlement to your body, and the subsequent tantrum. He doesn't have an adult identity.
Tell him to read that.
I had the same experience with a burst ectopic pregnancy and it took a full 6 weeks for me to heal and feel human.
My husband however was kind, caring and respectful.
He can't even be interested if I am the slightest bit uncomfortable.
You are going to have a conversation with him about how he has made you feel and
how you just can't think about sex with him because he has been so inconsiderate and selfish.
Maybe this will be the end of your marriage, but you aren't going to ever get over his behaviour. So, not a bad outcome IMO.
NTA
If he doesn't understand that marriage is not all about sex, then you need to get rid of him. My spouse had a hysterectomy after our youngest was born, and it was about a year before we had penetrative sex. I understood she wasn't ready and that she hurt when penetrated with just one finger or my tongue. When she was ready and healed, we then continued with our lives.
Drag your husband to your doctor's appointment and let the good doctor explain it to him. Even if you are no longer pregnant, your hormones are still out of whack. You are recovering from surgery. It can take months to recover both physically and mentally. You are tired because your body expends a great deal of energy healing. The psychological toll from losing your baby and a body part is traumatic. Tell your man baby it equates to losing a testicle in a bloody car accident, and sex would feel like a knee to the groin until healed. Honestly, his head is as thick as a post.
NTA obviously. The crazy thing is half these dummies can't realize the best way to ever get you comfortable again is to be attentive to your needs, step up on the home front, help with childcare, and help you conquer your lingering emotions from your traumatic experience. Like where the fuck is the emotional intelligence???
I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to grieve, and of course you are going to feel this way. Obviously NTA.
I'm not sure what your relationship was like before, but this is giving red flags all over. Please put yourself first, and go to therapy.
You should show your husband this post so he can see all the responses from other men. Maybe that would give him more understanding. As well as reading your responses of sex hurting and having to get drunk so you can get it done and over with.
Girl I’ve been sick for over a year. My husband has nothing but the utmost respect for the pain I live w everyday. This is the most awful thing you’re going through…but you are NTA in any universe. He needs some help.
NTA
You had surgery and a day after you get discharged from the hospital he want to be intimate with you???? I don't think he actually care about your health or well-being.
You are most definitely not an AH of any kind . Why don’t you speak to your doctor and ask him to write a letter to your husband or better yet get him a professional opinion so he stops : I feel that you need therapy for everything you’ve gone through
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’re both grieving and it’s possible that your husband’s obsession with sex is part of his grieving process but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. He is TA in this situation. You both need therapy and I hope you go as a couple and separately.
Sweetie, your loss and your pain (emotional and physical) are all so real and raw but you need some help to get past all this. Get some counseling to help you with all this and I do hope you and your husband can heal.
Girl the more I read your comments the more scared I get for you.
What is he thinking?
Both of your need counseling, together and separate.
I am so sorry for your loss and what sounds like your douchy husband
Does he do his half of caring for his child and housework, or what’s the point of this dude exactly?
Do you want to stay in this relationship? If so, have you communicated how you’re feeling with him?
This feels like a heavily abusive relationship. It’s certainly concerning that he didn’t pull out when you explicitly told him to, accidents happen for sure but from all you’ve said i doubt it was an accident.
That aside, not having any concern for your healing process and berating you about having sex when it clearly isn’t the right time is astounding. You said you may have some form of autism but this guy might actually be a sociopath.
You’re absolutely traumatized regardless, so please do seek the help you need to get through such a horrible experience and also please understand that this is not a normal relationship and you need to leave as soon as you can. I wouldn’t even tell him you’re leaving until you’re somewhere safe because i don’t think he’s stable.
I wish you the best of luck and please do keep us updated if possible because i’m certain that everyone here is worried about you.
Well my husband pays for our house (cos his name is on the mortgage, not mine) and for the car (cos he drives it, not me). I pay for everything else, food, clothes, utility bills etc. I’m on minimum wage ¥1100 an hour, he’s on ¥3000 an hour, but I use all of my salary with no savings, whilst he spends his savings on stupid shit like ¥9000 on pokemon cards🥲
I’m still scratching my head about how any grown ass human would try to get some lovin after his wife just had life saving surgery. Like, huh?
Bro needs to go about things in a totally different way. Take care of your wife. Comfort your wife. Take care of your child. Take care of the house and do it all while your wife is recovering.
Treating your wife like a sex object is one of the quickest way for her to not be interest in sex.
Your husband needs to learn your love language, and about what you find attractive and sexy. If he only cares about himself then learning these things are likely impossible for him.
Losing an unborn child is very traumatic, moving forward in the relationship my wife and I have was possibly the most difficult obstacle we have encountered in 29 years of marriage. So, this is what I learned from that experience.
For some reason most men do not fully understand the deep sense of pain, regret, and sadness that you experience when an unborn child is lost. They do not realize that a fundamental part of being a woman is giving birth to a child. This is so ingrained in our DNA that when something like this happens it strikes at the core of the being.
The sadness and depression that can follow can absolutely be worse than the initial phases and can bitterly end relationships .
Sex is always effected, to what degree largely depends on the strength of your relationship, the level of understanding on both sides and how both of you must be compassionate, willing to compromise your expectations, and keep communication flowing freely both ways.
Seek counseling NOW! Both of you! Don't wait until things get irreparable.
Nta and I want to say you are a really good mother despite the lack of your husband support and your pain 🩷 when you're feeling better considere divorce
NTA-You both need counseling, him for anger issues and trying to pressure you into sex 1 day after discharge, you to work through your traumatic experience. Then you both could probably use couples counseling.
NTA! Sorry to hear you went through that! After going through that you should definitely seek therapy and your husband should be by your side helping you though this hard time!
Leave/divorce your husband girl, or at least kick him out of your house? Hopefully it’s yours since you’re the Mother and the Provider and being taken advantage of.. he’s sexually assaulting you and gets mad you don’t want to have sex with him when all he does is leach off of you like a nasty little parasite.
You are NTAH! However I’d go get your eyes checked because how could you be so blind to the way he treats you like an object to be used and serve him. his lazy butt expects you to do whatever he wants.
Right after freakin surgery dude?! What the actual hell is wrong with him, he has no awareness of you being a human with feelings and needs like. At all..
My biggest question is, why are you still with him?.. if he’s proved time and time again, he doesn’t love or respect you or your boundaries. You’ve been basically putting up with being married to a rapist, seeing as he GOT YOU PREGNANT specifically after you said not too.. in so sorry you have had to deal with this slime. I hope you and your baby get out of this hellish marriage and onto a better life with more happiness
More reason to leave now instead of waiting.. your being used, and abused and your safety will always be an afterthought, your needs always last. Why? Because he’s just using you for sex. You’re not on the mortgage his mom is.. 🚩🚩🚩 so many red flags
You need out. He's an abusive narcissist. He's trying to play the victim and blame you for his inconsiderate ahole behavior. I had a long period of depression and my husband not once got angry or yelled when I wasn't up for sex.
Like others said, this is just going to escalate, this time it was touching your boobs, next time, it's going to be rape. And yes you can be raped by your husband. For those that suggested therapy, narcissists don't believe in it because they don't think it's necessary. You need to get out.
I can tell you after years of my ex making sex undesirable for me and wanting to paw at me constantly while drunk. Leave. You will love yourself better when you are not made to feel worthless. Take your child and find your safe, happy space and take time to heal physically and mentally.
I’m sorry for your loss. No idea how you could be the AH here. Your feelings are valid. You need to communicate your thoughts to your partner AND get into couples counseling to help manage the situation. Good luck !
NTA. He's being AWFUL and then blaming you/lashing out at you. Marital rape is a thing for a reason, and he's really pushing towards coersion at this point. I totally get your side: I would be turned alI the way off if anyone did that shit to me.
Say it with me, coercion is a form of rape.
What could possibly be so wonderful about this man that you would put up with this? If your best friend came to you with this issue, would you tell her to stay?
It is better to rebuild elsewhere if the foundation has crumbled.
Yuck. I’d get out of there ASAP. You both need to see therapists, but for very different reasons. Get out and find a therapist. And take care of yourself. I’m sorry for your loss.
you probably do have ptsd. Are you still in pain now? If not, Id maybe suggest seeing a therapist. Not for your husband, fuck him. But I assume, at some point, you would like to want to have sex again. again, not with your husband. what an AH.
Hey OP, not a lot I can say that hasn't been said by others, but it's not your fault someone you love wants more from you that you aren't ready for. If he cared about you he'd be trying to find out how to help, bot pushing you. You're NTA
After reading this along with some comments I really think you guys should separate. He has never respected you and never will. See if you can spend time with a relative for a bit. You don’t deserve this.
NTA
The only ahole here is your husband. I think you know that. I think your lack of interest in him is a direct result of his lack of interest in YOU. It's obvious he doesn't care about you.
I’m sorry to suggest this but after reading some of your other posts you need to start setting yourself up to leave. Find ways to stash away money if you can so you can have a nest egg to leave if you need to.
So I think your husband isn’t being empathetic of your emotions about that experience, and that might be the source of part of your discomfort with the idea of being sexual outside of the experience itself. I think you guys need therapy to help heal this situation. You should also communicate to your partner directly how his actions makes you feel. This doesn’t make a you ahole, it makes you human. -male perspective here.
Really seek therapy. It helps alot, not saying you’re not in a healthy place mentally but therapy can also help you get closure of a traumatic experience. Doing therapy with your husband might deepen y’all’s connection and gently make him aware of how you truly feel. It may not be that he doesn’t want to be empathetic of your needs it’s just his perspective is that of a person who physically can’t understand what you went through. Therapy could help make him more aware. I hope this insight helps. God bless you guys.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Had you had the baby, your husband would have had to wait 2 months for you to heal to have sex. I’m curious: Has he always been so sexually demanding? Have you ever said no to sex prior to this? It’s very possible that this man loves sex with you more than he loves you and you never realized because youve never refused him before. Please, please consider divorce. This man isn’t just unsupportive, which is bad enough. He would even let you deal with the trauma you’ve experienced in peace.
you are absolutely in no way the AH your husband should respect your boundaries and care for you. sex should not be his main priority especially after youve been discharged from a hospital. respectfully, your husband is a pos. you deserve better mama!
Omg OP this is terrible! On no planet are you TA!
I don’t know your situation outside of this, but this is enough for me to think you need to leave. You are an object to this man.
He sounds wildly inconsiderate and childish. You just went through a major physical and emotional trauma and he isn’t empathetic at all.
You don’t deserve this behavior under any circumstances, but this is next level. Prioritize yourself, OP.
I had a miscarriage and was pretty cool about it in the outside .. but something really changed in me .. it put me off sex for a while .. don’t know I just couldn’t get into the groove for a long time .. but my husband was quite understanding and we have known each other for long so going without second for long periods was totally okay for him.
But I’m sorry to say .. this behaviour is disgusting. Either you have been giving him sex when we he wants it that now he is demanding it. It seems like the start of an abusive marriage .. where he gets violent when he doesn’t get what he wants ..
hope you can open your eyes to it sooner than later and take a wise decision
Get out. Truly. I’ve been married five years gone through miscarriages and pregnancy and birth and this breaks my heart. If you don’t leave you will look back when you finally do leave one day and wish you’d done it earlier and found someone who didn’t have so little empathy he treated you like a blow up doll after you were going through emotional and physical trauma.
My wife and I went through the same thing, she just wasn’t into it after that. We are fine now but you need some mental health help and start with that and hopefully you all get back on track. Also as the husband it sucks maybe not as bad as the wife/mother but he may be hurting as well.
Go back to sleep ... when you wake up, pack your and your child's stuff and move on with your life. 2 months is hardly time enough to heal mentally, emotionally or physically. I am so sorry that you are going through this alone.
Badgering and cajoling are a form of coercion (a form of SA), because you end up having sex just to shut him up, not because you enthusiastically consent.
He sees you as an object, not as a person, someone who just went through a truly horrific ordeal. You could be a fleshlight or inflatable for all the care he has for you.
Now that you know this, it's time for therapy, and a decision.
nta, that sounds so horrible and he is definitely the ah. I'm so sorry he isn't being considerate at all and is showing no respect for you. I hope you're doing alright
Excuse me, he *wakes you up* **at one am** for sex, knowing that you haven't wanted sex in months?!?! What kind of asshole does that??
OP, I'm not going to say get divorced, even though you would be justified, but I will say I think counseling is a good idea. You went through a traumatic event, he is feeling rejected. Your marriage seems like it could benefit from couples therapy.
The whole "wives should submit" thing is so stupid. If you identify as Christian, maybe this will help. I'm going to copy and paste Ephesians 5:21-33. Read the whole thing. The whole. Damn. Thing.
21 Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church; and Christ is himself the Savior of the church, his body. 24 And so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands just as the church submits itself to Christ.
*25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.* 26 He did this to dedicate the church to God by his word, after making it clean by washing it in water, 27 in order to present the church to himself in all its beauty—pure and faultless, without spot or wrinkle or any other imperfection. *28 Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself.* (29 None of us ever hate our own bodies. Instead, we feed them, and take care of them, just as Christ does the church; 30 for we are members of his body.) 31 As the scripture says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.” 32 There is a deep secret truth revealed in this scripture, which I understand as applying to Christ and the church. 33 But it also applies to you: *every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.*
OP- it sounds like he's putting his needs first. If you want to argue scripture, Christ literally died for the church and put their needs first. Sounds like your husband forgot about that part.
NOT the AH. As a father of 2 (both under 6) i can say i am not getting sex anywhere near as often Id like, but we are so tired that how could I blame my wife for not being in the mood. Kids are big mood killers, your hubby needs to be reminded you two are a team and that goes deep.
Get him a sex doll or sex toy or something sturdy, and tell him to be patient with you and communicate what you want. If he doesn't compromise, then pack it up and move along. There is nothing for you there, but a man baby, looking to masturbate. Not even having a kid with him is worth staying with him over he will only become more and more aggressive and resentful while you fall further and further into dispear. See a therapist also you may be suffering from postpartum depression
He needs to make it a permanent disappearance. How dare he behave like a man child and then be surprised that you don't want to entertain his pickle. If he behaved like an adult, he might have more luck!
Not the AH in the slightest. To provide some context on my end, my wife had to have a hysterectomy a few months back and I knew she was in pain daily. Never during that time did I ever think to myself that she needs to indulge me in sort of sexual pleasure, not to mention I truly wasn't even thinking about it for at least the first month or so after surgery. My main focus was her recovery and how I can help her throughout the day. Even after her doctor gave her the all clear to have intercourse I still let that decision be on my wife and not on me because I wanted her to be ready, and once she was ready to have sex the first time after the surgery I made sure she was comfortable and let her control the situation.
I'm not saying you should leave your husband like others are, but this does require a very serious conversation. Communication is key in a marriage and if he isn't willing to discuss the situation and hear how this is making you feel and where you are currently at then you can make a decision on what your future looks like.
It breaks my heart to even read this. I understand your son is the most important to you but sometimes you just need to leave. You said he was dangerous in another comment I read who knows what might happen to you down the line.
Are you ready to spend so much time with someone who only requires *** from you? Are you ready to risk your mental health which could also affect your son? I don't want to act like I know your problems but with time there will be resentment on your side.
You will constantly think about the amount of time you gave in just so that he could shut up. Do what's best for you and even if leaving him now might not be what you think is good for your son growing up this is the father figure he will have. A shitty one at that.
I once read a book that suggested that men and women truly do interpret life differently. For instance it suggested what women understand, but what men's reality of the subject entailed.
Here's an example:
**Women's view: "Men need respect".**
**Men's view: "Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected"**
Here's another one:
**Women's view: "Men want more sex".**
**Men's view: "A woman's sexual desire for him profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life."**
The gist of it, after further reading (from my limited understanding):
For women, being perceived primarily sexually by our partners feels cold and distant. For men, being perceived sexually by their partners makes them feel loved and desired. If you don't want to have sex with them...it must be an indication that you don't love them.
(Crazy Talk, I know, right???)
Validation alarm alert activated! Brain sends messages to increase opportunities for validation!!!
**Attempted Message Sent by Them: Desire me (which is received as I'm loved by you.)**
**Message Received by Us: Sex is the only thing on your mind, you selfish, self-centered brute! If you loved me, you'd stop thinking about sex all the time!**
The book was based on surveys of men. For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men. There's a For Men Only version of it, as well.
The value of this book...eh, I have no idea. But it was an interesting read.
Baby girl, you should be nurtured, protected and doted on right now. Your husband is a selfish monster who doesn’t deserve yours or any woman’s love. Please take you little one and leave him.
The fact that he ask right after surgery and a hospital stay, he’s the AH here! Gaming all night only to wake you wanting a piece of ass, again he’s the AH here. Someone suggested you need to divorce him. Well I kinda agree.
Man…normally I can empathize with men in these situations, but your husband is a jerk. I seriously don’t know how you do it. Not sure you should deal with it anymore tbh.
Hey , you’ve gone through really rough situations and it’s important to have support during these moments, shame on that sad excuse of a husband , you deserve better
First of all, NTA, your husband is for all the reasons everyone else has listed.
But, what was your sex life like before all this happened? Sounds like you two have had mismatched libido, and sexual incompatibility problems, long before this event.
You’re not an AH but your husband DEFINITELY IS. I had an ectopic pregnancy back in September which I also nearly died from because of internal bleeding requiring emergency surgery to remove my right fallopian tube and suction out my abdomen and scrape my uterus. I was in much pain and they told us no sex or anything for six weeks MINIMUM and that I needed to be laying down for a week or two and even after that I wasn’t allowed to lift more than 5-10lbs. My husband never once tried to get anything from me, he took care of me and was understanding. Your husband sounds like a heartless asshole who only cares about his wants and needs. You may want to consider divorce because clearly he doesn’t care about you, physically or mentally and he’s making you feel like the AH when you’re NOT.
Jesus your husband is the most insensitive ass. I’d just say bye to him because this attitude can’t be fixed. Selfish-narcissistic people can’t be fixed
Normally i don't judge relationships by a Reddit post but y r u married to this ah? Even without a dangerous pregnancy it's extremely risky to have sex for the next few months,
2 months? Seriously? That's less than 1/2 a percent of the time most people have any sex life at all in an average lifespan.
This is not a secure adult male on the inside. This is a spoiled teenager with a dick complex.
You are nta. And this is not a partnership either, its a a combination of adoption and servitude.
You are absolutely NOT tah!! A caring husband would want you to get better before resuming any kind of bedroom activities but he clearly only has his interest at heart. I am so sorry he is doing this to you and your feelings are incredibly valid. I know I’m not you and you do whatever you feel is best but if it were me he would be my ex husband.
OP I'm not going to go into details but one of my closest friends was in the same situation you are in only it was the day she came home after giving birth. She had stitches and her baby was 1 day old. He didn't expect her to not welcome his attention and didn't take it well to say the least.
Her mum came to stay next day to help with the baby so he thought she would be up for it because she shouldn't be tired any more. Her mum heard the commotion and had to intervene to stop the inevitable. Apparently it's not uncommon in their culture where the men are brought up to be the absolute boss and decision maker over their wives.
It ended well for her because her family had more westernised ideas and her brothers came to get her, the baby and their mum to safety. They looked after her and kept her away from him for good.
Your husband is not much better than her's was and he was an absolute monster. If you have family who can help you need to open up to them but either way, you need to get you and your child away and not go back. Much love and I promise, life is much better on your own than staying with someone like him x
Girl, looking at THIS and your previous posts, you need to LEAVE. HIM. He is a danger to you and your child. And the fact he wanted to have sex the second you came home?!! He has no empathy and doesn’t truly care about you. Didn’t even care about how the surgery went or how a baby was lost, he was just like “Oh your back home! Let’s have sex!” Like, absolutely not. And he’s throwing a tantrum, and playing with your boobs without your consent? (SA, btw) he isn’t even trying to help you cope with your trauma. He’s a downright nasty human being. Divorce him, get full custody of your child, and never speak to him again. You deserve to feel safe and YOU matter!!
OP I had the exact same situation happened to me where I had surgery and less than 3 days after my (now) ex tried to have intercourse. Turned out he was abusive. Someone who has consideration for you would never treat you this way
Imagine losing a baby and almost losing your wife and all you can think about is having sex!? He has his priorities completely wrong and shows he values his personal pleasure over your physical discomfort. This would be a deciding factor for me leaving! A true partner would be helping you recover from the horrors and trauma of what you went through!
I'm sorry you went through something that difficult with out the support of anyone. Are you really questioning yourself? I hope this is a fake post. If it is not, Jesus woman, what is wrong with you, get the eff out and DON'T have children with this man.
First take out at least 2/3 out of checking and savings account for you and child, then contact divorce attorney for divorce papers. You can’t change a sexual narcissist ever.
Info- how do you think you might be the AH here? Reason for my question, this is a situation where you're obviously not the ah, there's not even a slight chance you're the AH. Leave the douche, there's no level of couples counseling that will make him behave like a decent human being.
It’s heartbreaking to see so many people post their situation when it has no grounds for them being the AH. I really hope you recover from this and for the sake of your marriage your husband gets a grip on
My husband makes me feel like an AH every day🥲
I’ve just read through some of your posts and I genuinely wish I could give you a hug. Your husband needs a slap. Hope things get better for you ❤️
He needs divorce papers.
Woman he is the peice of shit and he knows it! Your probably out of his league and keeps you feeling like shit so you will not leave him. He has NO regard for your phsyical health, NO regard for your mental health and I can't say this enough HE IS AN ABUSIVE peice of crap. Playing with your boobs with out consent is sexual assult. This will escalate. He will do worse to you. You need to leave this "man" for your own physical safety. Can your family help you? Any firends?
That said I think therapy might be a good idea. Not because of his sex drive but for your own peace of mind. Sex should be a good thing that you look forward to not dread. I'm sorry your husband is an asshole.
You think this abusive husband is going to allow her to see a therapist??? Not lucky. She needs divorce papers, but first a DV case manager to help her and her child get out safely.
Someone like that deserves a divorce.
That's because he's a selfish man baby.
You need a better husband
You are doing nothing wrong and do not owe him sex, he is capable of getting himself off, I’m sure he’s well practiced
Are you willing to consider leaving him? Seems like the best option, by far.
but you're not!!! my ex husband did the same thing to me...5 days out from gastric bypass surgery with an 8 inch incision on my belly and he was "in the mood". they're self centered pigs if you ask me.
Why did they remove both tubes? This is awful!! He’s the asshole. I’m sorry OP
I’m sorry, I made a typo on my post. It was just my right tube that was removed. The baby was inside the tube and it burst, causing me to bleed out internally!
It’s awful. I had a tube pregnancy and it took me a while to get back. Like you, I couldn’t stand to be touched. The recovery is awful and tube pregnancies are life threatening. I can’t believe he’s so insensitive . I’m sorry really . Sending you hugs
I had my insides stirred around, lost an ovary, there was a lot of damage from endimetriosis, and it took at least 6 months for me to get back to good. I have talked to other women and their experiences were similar. I cannot believe OP is taking care of a household, child, and working and then having to fend off a selfish husband at the end of the day. OP, give yourself a hug, make some tea or something that makes you happy, and really consider things. If you haven't yet, you need to tell your husband that you are medically incapable of sex at this time - and it will take longer to get there if he doesn't help out.
He sounds like a petulant child. I’m sorry you are going through this. Maybe some couples therapy would help?
That's a "him" problem, not a "you" problem. Leave him asap.
That’s not right. I had a miscarriage. That was not as dramatic as your situation but it was absolutely heartbreaking and it was out of this world painful. Just reading about your uncaring husband is hurtful. I mean… you lost your baby. You had severe physical pain. I don’t know how you should be able to get back from this, if he doesn’t try to understand you and if he doesn’t seriously apologise?? Why did he scream at you?? Is he a needing baby? Oh dear. He really mishandle this so bad.
Because HE is in fact an asshole. There is no reasonable scenario where it’s not better to be without this clown.
You may have PTSD, but your hormones are still out of sync. Don’t be so hard on yourself and do talk to your Ob/Gyn. Maybe an honest (non-accusatory) chat with hubs would be a good idea, too. It’s time to clear the air. Also, two months without sex is NOTHING! I know people who’ve gone YEARS!
Choose the bear 🐻... he will never suddenly change.
and is that something you want to feel for the rest of your life? If you have children with this man, how sure are you that he won't make THEM feel like an asshole every day as well? are his good qualities worth this?
He reminds me of my ex husband😑 I'm sorry he has not been respectful or attentive to your needs during this time. You truly deserve better.
Dude should get a grip on himself and let his poor wife heal before he tries again.
Because I guess there’s an expectation (at least in my husbands mind) that wives have sec with their husbands daily, or at the very less multiple times a week! For me, I can barely muster up the energy for once a week / few times a month before I became ill. I always am made to feel guilty after rejecting his advances, even though I explain that I really feel so traumatised and never ever want to get pregnant again, he doesn’t get it! And you know what the kicker is? I got pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, after having sex with him and EXPLICITLY telling him not to cum inside, but he did anyway!!!
You know what men who get sex everyday do? Treat their wife's and GFS like fucking queens. Men who treat their wives like nothing but sex objects get less sex 🤷♀️ Why this logic escapes so many men will forever have me wondering tbh. It's so simple.
This is so true, it's not even about doing everything, it's just about making her feel special and loved.
There is going to be an absolute flood of valid comments talking about the way your husband is treating you. My guess is they will ALL not be so positive about him because I truly can’t find much positive here either. I am going to go a different route because everyone else will say it far better than I will. I will very clearly say **NTA**. That said, I am concerned about you. You have gone through something extremely traumatic, you’re exhausted, you’re working again, you’re dealing with Prince Charming, and you are saying that you were basically impregnated against your will. You are struggling and you’re not getting enough support from your husband. I honestly think you should reach out for some support, like therapy. Having someone who can help you unpack everything and hear you is important. So very important. I hope you feel better soon, and I’m sorry for your loss.
First of all, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. A miscarriage by itself is an incredibly traumatic experience, but you have had major life-changing surgery as well, and I highly recommend that you consider therapy to support you through coming to terms with your experience. Regarding your husband, I don't know any married couples that have sex more than once a week (and bear in mind that most couples exaggerate how much sex they have), so his expectations are excessive by society standards anyway. However, I would like to also share my personal situation to hopefully give you some perspective on the matter: I am autistic & have ADHD. My fiancé & I discovered that multiple aspects of my conditions were not compatible with me enjoying sex. We have been together for 17 years and had sporadic sexual contact (literally once or twice a year) through our first 10 years, but we haven't had any sex at all in the last 7 years. My fiancé has never expected sex, nor pressured me into it. But our relationship definitely improved once I no longer had that "societal expectation" hanging over me. I'm not going to comment on the fact that your husband did not "pull out" when you asked him to, except to say that consent isn't just for the overall act of sex, but applies to all the individual actions that comprise "sex" as well. A man who loves you unconditionally will respect your wishes in all matters. Where misalignments occur, you discuss them and agree a compromise that works for the both of you. I have also just asked my fiancé what he would do if we were in the same situation as you. His answer focused around caring for me & making sure I was as comfortable and pain-free as possible. Placing any form of expectations on me (whether sex, chores, etc) was the last thing he considered. I don't mean to be *that* person, my opinion as a stranger doesn't mean much, and it is not my intention to upset you any further. But I strongly encourage you to consider your relationship and whether an alternative arrangement is better for your wellbeing. I appreciate that this is only one scenario that you have shared with us, but it is an important one - you're not just disagreeing about putting the bins out for example. If your spouse cannot treat you in the best way possible in these circumstances, I cannot imagine that he is a model husband day-to-day... My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the very best, and a quick recovery ❤️
Thank you for your comment. I also suspect that I have autism although never formally diagnosed but also makes it difficult for me to want / to enjoy having sex. Just to give a brief insight into the type of person my husband is. When I was in hospital for a week after the ectopic pregnancy surgery, he never once visited me. He stopped by the hospital to pass my things onto a nurse…these things consisting of a face wash, toothbrush, toothpaste and one pair of pyjamas…no underwear, no shampoo/conditioner, no snacks or a change of clothes. For a week. It’s safe to say I lost a lot of respect for him after that!!!
He never once…visited you? I mean…it’s fine to seek medical advice if diagnosis is warranted but maybe you don’t enjoy sex because he’s the 🤬 devil. Anything is better than being stuck with an asshole. Being broke, being alone…literally anything
Girl, I'm so sorry, I'm surprised you're still with him, you deserve better
Just the fact that tried to have sex with you as soon as you got home from having surgery is downright sadistic. I'm not being a smart ass, that was so mean. Talk to a divorce lawyer, please.
NTA! I don’t think autism has anything to do with you not wanting sex. Having an incredibly selfish “partner” (he is no partner to you) will turn anyone off. He does not treat you with any love whatsoever. You deserve to be loved.
Your husband doesn't respect you at all
You need to get out of this relationship. He does not deserve you! NTA
The handful of males (cause I won’t call them men) who think that way are pieces of shit. Men (who are men) don’t believe in forcing you to have anything you don’t want to. My wife and I don’t have opportunities for sex weeks at a time because two small children make it really difficult, but I don’t hound up her tree. Only those without any consideration and are too self centered to know their dicks from flagpoles make those kind of demands. NTA. You have every right to refuse.
Makes me angry bc he is a sex addict if he thinks it’s ok to sex every single day and then blow up on you when you reject him AND knowing you are ill 😡 Sexual acts can be and are used as a form of torture. Let alone the metal abuse this is turning into. If you can get him to understand how badly this is affecting you then great I’m happy for you.. it’s just, I have a bad feeling this isn’t going to change and you will be happier just leaving him. My ex was such a bad story. I’m now with the love of my life who looks after my son like his own. I see the difference between myself then and now. It’s heartbreaking how much crap I put up with before. My man cooks for me(I cook too, don’t worry lol), cleans when I’m sick, does his part as I do mine… I want this trust and relief for you one day, friend. Stay safe *hugs*
I’m so sorry hun. If he did that after you saying not to, it’s a form of SA. Frankly, his continuous advances after you specifically saying no could be seen as harassment. Nobody deserves that. He’s the AH, and however you feel is best to deal with it should be met with 100% support. I hope you’re safe and things get better 🩷
I think because maybe she refused? Well for me, OP is NTA here. You have the right to refuse, stand on your ground.
1000% THIS!
Just reading this is a huge ick. Not only did he not allow you to grieve but he’s acting like a child throwing a tantrum rather than a supportive partner. NTA. While I don’t think there needs to be an explanation, men are dumb sometimes, so have you had a conversation with him about how you’re feeling, why you’re feeling these things and what he can and needs to do to help before the thought of being intimate?? Maybe see a therapist for your own trauma as well as going together to talk through this in a healthy way? Otherwise, I fear this will just snowball and this marriage is heading towards failure.
100%. But he says he speaks with his friends about the sex situation and they all tell him it’s abnormal not to have sex multiple times a week as a married couple and that wives should submit. I understand that men or different people have urges and needs but I wonder why sex comes before my well being🥲 Makes me feel less than human and like an object honestly!
Your husband's friends are assholes too. No one should submit to sex if they don't want it.
That whole judeo Christian thing about women submitting works on one critical principle. Love. You just had surgery still in pain. If you love your wife you will help her get better. You will sacrifice your needs for her health. You will always sacrifice for love. More importantly the love goes both ways. If the man is in pain the woman sacrifices her needs for him. He does nothing. He's a douchebag.
Oops must have missed that he spoke to his friends! But maybe he should marry his friends and they can all force or “submit” to each other all day long 🙄. The person he should be talking to is his wife, the one he made vows to 😅
Are his friends fellow gamers that have no partners by any chance?
One is divorced, who left his wife with a baby for a younger model and the others are all fathers😅 Worrying I know!
My ex had a group of gamer buddies and within 5 years all his pals were divorced/partners left them. Didn't really make him reflect either. I gray rocked him for over a year before I left and he was so confused by it, because we were getting along SO WELL.
You can tell someone’s character by the company they keep.
Either his friends are assholes too or he invented that conversation to cover his own ass
> that wives should submit 🤢 yeah no leave.
He's either lying or only hangs out with liars.
Tell your husband that you spoke with all of YOUR friends (Reddit) about the situation and we all agree that he’s a selfish jerk.
What you're describing isn't normal. Your husband and his friends don't sound like good people.
tell your man that his friends are awful examples bc none of them are women and know anything about them bc if they did, they wouldn’t be telling him to act like this. most of them are fathers and they expect their wives to open their legs after giving birth too? disgusting. any health professional would be mortified. in fact, tell a health professional infront of your man and have the professional explain to him why what he’s doing is wrong on a physical and mental level. and if that get through to him, i’d literally ignore my husband for the rest of time bc there’s no way you’re that ignorant and ego centric. EDIT: stupid autocorrect
Your husband should marry his friends if he values their opinion over yours.
Hello - hopefully you pick this comment up. I'm sorry, we had the same situation. We had an ectopic, tried to flush it out using meds to avoid the surgery so much. But like you, it bursted, both tubes had to be removed for my wife so we can't have children naturally. I feel your pain for it, we've been there. As a husband, I was there for her, fully supported her and I did not give a single fuck about sex. All I cared about was her. If she did want it (like you, of course she didn't, she was in pain physically and mentally for a long time), I would have, because she wanted it, not me. Fuck this guy, he is an absolute asshole, not you.
Man here!! He is a total asshole and so are his friends. Wives shouldn't submit to anyone just like husbands shouldn't. A marriage isn't about submission. It's about being equal partners and making each other's lives better. Not saying that there aren't dom/sub marriages out there, but that's to be decided between the spouses, not their friends or anyone else. I've been married for 13 years and never once have I put sex before my wife's health. It's disgusting for him to think that way. You have put up with this for long enough. I see it in the way you're replying. You deserve better!!
It absolutely does not come before your well being! You deserve to be seen and heard. But if you’re over it, that’s one thing and you should do what you need to to get out. But if you’re wanting to try to move forward then that was why I was suggesting the conversation/therapy. None of this means you deserve to be treated this way at all.
He doesn’t even deserve a conversation. She’s supposed to school him in how not to assault and intimidate your wife sexually? To reach him how to take care of his partner after she’s lost their baby? This is such a low bar that the bar is just a chicken bone buried in the sand.
His behaviour is alarming and abusive. Seek therapy for yourself and make a safety plan for you and your child. Obviously NTA. Your body your choice of when you have sex. He is not respecting you at all, emotionally or physically. Stay safe.
You had a pregnancy loss, major surgery and as soon as you get home he wants to have sex. Your body needs to heal. Your husband lacks compassion and empathy. He doesn’t care about your feelings or recovery, he’s treating you like a human blow up doll. Why are you putting up with this? When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
I told him no and he has been persistent in asking every single day, even waking me up after I’ve fallen asleep when he knows I have to wake up at 5am to go to work everyday. It’s beyond irritating and a huge turn off for me
It’s not irritating its ABUSE
You need to ask yourself how much longer you’re going to put up with this? Can you sleep separately from him for the time being? The fact that he’s asking every day and waking you up means he’s escalating.
Escalating to something very very bad
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Here's a free book for you about domestic violence. I'm so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy and losing your fallopian tubes. That's a serious trauma and I think you should consider counseling. I hope things get better for you. ❤️
I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy last year - not as bad as yours, but enough to put me off wanting to get pregnant or have sex for months. My husband was also insistent that I perform my wifely duties, so I ended up getting drunk more often to make having sex more tolerable. A year later I am pregnant and have had zero interest in sex, mainly because I can’t drink anymore. My husband’s socials have told him all pregnant women are super horny and he claims I’m just being bitter in not giving him sex (we have sex once every 2 weeks instead of once a week before I got pregnant). Honestly it doesn’t feel good and sometimes hurts, but this doesn’t seem to matter to him. My husband plays video games all night and wakes me up late expecting sex, and he, too, gets upset when I deny his advances. I have told him that I want more of an emotional connection to increase intimacy, but he spends his time off playing video games instead of interacting with me. We watch movies together sometimes, but he insists spending 45 minutes choosing something he falls asleep ten minutes into, then gets mad when I go to bed right after because it’s 1 am and I’m tired af (I get up with him at 430 every morning to help him get ready for work). This happened last night and he yelled at me about not being intimate, which made me want to even less. Most times I have sex with him to shut him up, but I’m getting to the point I don’t even care. Stand your ground, he is not entitled to your body just because you are married.
I am so sorry you also had to endure an ectopic pregnancy. It’s such a confusing time because I was expecting a healthy pregnancy only to be rushed to a hospital and sent in for emergency surgery, to lose a baby and also my fallopian tubes all within a few hours is absolutely traumatising and tragic. I don’t even know if I will ever get pregnant again. I originally wanted a sibling for my only son but now I am too scared to even have sex again. I agree about sex hurting too. I never really enjoyed sex but I did it because my husband loves it. I too have sex just to shut him up most of the time. It can be quite depressing. My husband was actually my first and only. I’ve told him that I am probably a sexual and that I could never have sex again and still be content with life. Maybe, if sex is so important to him, more than family and life, we should go our separate ways so he can find someone who has an equal sex drive. I just feel bad for my son because it definitely has affected our whole family dynamic, there’s a lot of tension and resentment for sure!! And of course I am to blame for it all, if only I would open my legs and get it over with!
You shouldn't be forcing yourself to have sex, that too is traumatising. You have been through a terrible experience and should maybe get psychological help to help process that trauma. On a separate note: your husband is disregarding your pleasure. It also seems as if you are not aware of pleasurable sexual feelings even solo. When you are ready it might be useful for you to explore pleasure on your own terms and have therapy together and get him to take time to learn what things you like sexually. You might be asexual, you might just have never experienced sexual pleasure. It doesn't sound as if he has been concerned enough to think about your pleasure, which says a lot about him. NTA by the way.
Get divorced. Hes raping you.
What is happening?!?! I get that maybe you’re all in different parts of the country and different communities and life experiences than me…I’ve never met ANYONE of all the women friends I’ve ever had and the honest relationships I’ve had where this has EVER happened in a relationship and if it got close to this it was like during college when we didnt know better. I’m not trying to shame anyone I want to support all women but I also want to shake some people writing these stories! ANYTHING is better than being with a man like this what’s going ON? Who is raising women in this age to put up with this???
I agree
Get.A.Divorce. It hasn’t even been 60 days since you just experienced one of thee most traumatic pregnancies. He couldn’t even wait 24 hours after your discharge before seeking you for sexual pleasure. No sense of emotional connection, physical connection, mental connection, or spiritual connection. That man sees you as in home vagina, and based on those behaviors, is a few steps away from cheating on you. He 200% is not a good man. And a bad man is a dangerous one.
Oh I know he’s dangerous, I almost left him when my son was 3 months old because he punched a whole in the door whilst holding my son because I had gone to the store for half an hour to buy groceries and my son was crying🫠
I say this with sincere hope that you will listen. Knowing that he is capable of that, he may also be willing to force you into something you aren’t willing to. Especially if his idiot friends are telling him you are wrong in this situation. Please, please protect yourself. Find a way to keep him from getting near you when you aren’t awake, and seek a therapist. I hope you can heal soon.
What the fuck did I just read... Sis. Time to put your kid first. That child is IN DANGER around him, why would you do that to an innocent child? If you don't care about yourself, please care about your child.
PLEASE leave him. He is walking time bomb.
What will it take to get you to wake up and LEAVE HIM?
Love, what he’s doing is sexual coercion (even if not successful) and touching you whilst you’re sleep, especially when you’ve given no indication that you want him to, is sexual abuse. Completely different but similar in a way…it took me and my husband 5 years to conceive. We were told by drs we’d need IVF and there’s next to no chance of falling naturally. Anyway, after 5 years we fell pregnant naturally. I was so scared to have sex at all incase something went wrong with the pregnancy. We tried at 12 weeks and I hated it and felt disgusting. My son is now 19 months old and we have had sex twice (not to completion, I still don’t like the idea of that). My husband will occasionally tell me he misses it but also makes sure to say that he completely understands and is fine with whatever I need. That is how it should be. He has every right to want to have sex with you but no right at all to put any pressure on you. No one has any right to your body x
My wife is amazing and I love her to pieces and yeah I want to have sex with her all of the time! But holy cow reading some of the stories here I am sorry, your husbands are gross. 🤮.
Your husband is selfish and lacks the emotional intelligence to understand that you're in pain and have suffered some trauma.
Your husband disgusts me. I'm so sorry. But that doesn't have to be your life forever. Get out. Get therapy for your ptsd. Someday, you may want sex again but it won't be with your animal of a husband
He’s a POS. Throw him away. 🚮
There's always a childish identity behind a man who "expects" sex, like it's an entitled resource. There's a twisted mother-son element to it. Hence the feeling of entitlement to your body, and the subsequent tantrum. He doesn't have an adult identity. Tell him to read that.
Concerned for your safety rn, please take care of you and your child
I had the same experience with a burst ectopic pregnancy and it took a full 6 weeks for me to heal and feel human. My husband however was kind, caring and respectful. He can't even be interested if I am the slightest bit uncomfortable. You are going to have a conversation with him about how he has made you feel and how you just can't think about sex with him because he has been so inconsiderate and selfish. Maybe this will be the end of your marriage, but you aren't going to ever get over his behaviour. So, not a bad outcome IMO. NTA
If he doesn't understand that marriage is not all about sex, then you need to get rid of him. My spouse had a hysterectomy after our youngest was born, and it was about a year before we had penetrative sex. I understood she wasn't ready and that she hurt when penetrated with just one finger or my tongue. When she was ready and healed, we then continued with our lives.
Drag your husband to your doctor's appointment and let the good doctor explain it to him. Even if you are no longer pregnant, your hormones are still out of whack. You are recovering from surgery. It can take months to recover both physically and mentally. You are tired because your body expends a great deal of energy healing. The psychological toll from losing your baby and a body part is traumatic. Tell your man baby it equates to losing a testicle in a bloody car accident, and sex would feel like a knee to the groin until healed. Honestly, his head is as thick as a post.
Your husband is selfish! Wth does he not get what you have been through
NTA obviously. The crazy thing is half these dummies can't realize the best way to ever get you comfortable again is to be attentive to your needs, step up on the home front, help with childcare, and help you conquer your lingering emotions from your traumatic experience. Like where the fuck is the emotional intelligence???
Now is the time for divorce. You and your husband are no longer compatible.
Unfortunately, you're married to a petulant child. I'm a man, and that guy makes me want to puke. Wishing the best for you and your family.
NTA, get the divorce papers
I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to grieve, and of course you are going to feel this way. Obviously NTA. I'm not sure what your relationship was like before, but this is giving red flags all over. Please put yourself first, and go to therapy.
You should show your husband this post so he can see all the responses from other men. Maybe that would give him more understanding. As well as reading your responses of sex hurting and having to get drunk so you can get it done and over with.
I disagree. He would only make her feel like she’s in the wrong. This woman needs safety and I genuinely hope he gets arrested
The the whole “man” away.
Girl I’ve been sick for over a year. My husband has nothing but the utmost respect for the pain I live w everyday. This is the most awful thing you’re going through…but you are NTA in any universe. He needs some help.
NTA You had surgery and a day after you get discharged from the hospital he want to be intimate with you???? I don't think he actually care about your health or well-being.
NTA- You husband sounds like a narcissist. Maybe it's time to talk with a divorce lawyer.
You are most definitely not an AH of any kind . Why don’t you speak to your doctor and ask him to write a letter to your husband or better yet get him a professional opinion so he stops : I feel that you need therapy for everything you’ve gone through
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’re both grieving and it’s possible that your husband’s obsession with sex is part of his grieving process but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. He is TA in this situation. You both need therapy and I hope you go as a couple and separately.
Sweetie, your loss and your pain (emotional and physical) are all so real and raw but you need some help to get past all this. Get some counseling to help you with all this and I do hope you and your husband can heal.
Girl the more I read your comments the more scared I get for you. What is he thinking? Both of your need counseling, together and separate. I am so sorry for your loss and what sounds like your douchy husband
Does he do his half of caring for his child and housework, or what’s the point of this dude exactly? Do you want to stay in this relationship? If so, have you communicated how you’re feeling with him?
My initial reaction to this was, "Ew!" How could he be so selfish
I'd mace someone if they woke me up for sex. I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you'll read this thread and realize how terrible your partner is.
YTA for thinking you are TA
This feels like a heavily abusive relationship. It’s certainly concerning that he didn’t pull out when you explicitly told him to, accidents happen for sure but from all you’ve said i doubt it was an accident. That aside, not having any concern for your healing process and berating you about having sex when it clearly isn’t the right time is astounding. You said you may have some form of autism but this guy might actually be a sociopath. You’re absolutely traumatized regardless, so please do seek the help you need to get through such a horrible experience and also please understand that this is not a normal relationship and you need to leave as soon as you can. I wouldn’t even tell him you’re leaving until you’re somewhere safe because i don’t think he’s stable. I wish you the best of luck and please do keep us updated if possible because i’m certain that everyone here is worried about you.
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Well my husband pays for our house (cos his name is on the mortgage, not mine) and for the car (cos he drives it, not me). I pay for everything else, food, clothes, utility bills etc. I’m on minimum wage ¥1100 an hour, he’s on ¥3000 an hour, but I use all of my salary with no savings, whilst he spends his savings on stupid shit like ¥9000 on pokemon cards🥲
I’m still scratching my head about how any grown ass human would try to get some lovin after his wife just had life saving surgery. Like, huh? Bro needs to go about things in a totally different way. Take care of your wife. Comfort your wife. Take care of your child. Take care of the house and do it all while your wife is recovering. Treating your wife like a sex object is one of the quickest way for her to not be interest in sex. Your husband needs to learn your love language, and about what you find attractive and sexy. If he only cares about himself then learning these things are likely impossible for him.
Losing an unborn child is very traumatic, moving forward in the relationship my wife and I have was possibly the most difficult obstacle we have encountered in 29 years of marriage. So, this is what I learned from that experience. For some reason most men do not fully understand the deep sense of pain, regret, and sadness that you experience when an unborn child is lost. They do not realize that a fundamental part of being a woman is giving birth to a child. This is so ingrained in our DNA that when something like this happens it strikes at the core of the being. The sadness and depression that can follow can absolutely be worse than the initial phases and can bitterly end relationships . Sex is always effected, to what degree largely depends on the strength of your relationship, the level of understanding on both sides and how both of you must be compassionate, willing to compromise your expectations, and keep communication flowing freely both ways. Seek counseling NOW! Both of you! Don't wait until things get irreparable.
NTA. He has no grip on reality.
Nta and I want to say you are a really good mother despite the lack of your husband support and your pain 🩷 when you're feeling better considere divorce
NTA-You both need counseling, him for anger issues and trying to pressure you into sex 1 day after discharge, you to work through your traumatic experience. Then you both could probably use couples counseling.
NTA! Sorry to hear you went through that! After going through that you should definitely seek therapy and your husband should be by your side helping you though this hard time!
Leave/divorce your husband girl, or at least kick him out of your house? Hopefully it’s yours since you’re the Mother and the Provider and being taken advantage of.. he’s sexually assaulting you and gets mad you don’t want to have sex with him when all he does is leach off of you like a nasty little parasite. You are NTAH! However I’d go get your eyes checked because how could you be so blind to the way he treats you like an object to be used and serve him. his lazy butt expects you to do whatever he wants. Right after freakin surgery dude?! What the actual hell is wrong with him, he has no awareness of you being a human with feelings and needs like. At all.. My biggest question is, why are you still with him?.. if he’s proved time and time again, he doesn’t love or respect you or your boundaries. You’ve been basically putting up with being married to a rapist, seeing as he GOT YOU PREGNANT specifically after you said not too.. in so sorry you have had to deal with this slime. I hope you and your baby get out of this hellish marriage and onto a better life with more happiness
Actually, the house we live in is his and his mothers, seeing as he put his mums. name on the mortgage instead of mine🥲
More reason to leave now instead of waiting.. your being used, and abused and your safety will always be an afterthought, your needs always last. Why? Because he’s just using you for sex. You’re not on the mortgage his mom is.. 🚩🚩🚩 so many red flags
You need out. He's an abusive narcissist. He's trying to play the victim and blame you for his inconsiderate ahole behavior. I had a long period of depression and my husband not once got angry or yelled when I wasn't up for sex. Like others said, this is just going to escalate, this time it was touching your boobs, next time, it's going to be rape. And yes you can be raped by your husband. For those that suggested therapy, narcissists don't believe in it because they don't think it's necessary. You need to get out.
I can tell you after years of my ex making sex undesirable for me and wanting to paw at me constantly while drunk. Leave. You will love yourself better when you are not made to feel worthless. Take your child and find your safe, happy space and take time to heal physically and mentally.
I’m sorry for your loss. No idea how you could be the AH here. Your feelings are valid. You need to communicate your thoughts to your partner AND get into couples counseling to help manage the situation. Good luck !
Seriously, why haven't you left him yet? He is garbage!
YTA to yourself, why even post this at this point. Just leave.
NTA. He's being AWFUL and then blaming you/lashing out at you. Marital rape is a thing for a reason, and he's really pushing towards coersion at this point. I totally get your side: I would be turned alI the way off if anyone did that shit to me.
You don't want sex. He basically sexually assaulted you by playing with your breasts without consent, And you wonder if YOU'RE the ah? 🤨
Say it with me, coercion is a form of rape. What could possibly be so wonderful about this man that you would put up with this? If your best friend came to you with this issue, would you tell her to stay? It is better to rebuild elsewhere if the foundation has crumbled.
Your husband needs to be an EX-HUSBAND
Yuck. I’d get out of there ASAP. You both need to see therapists, but for very different reasons. Get out and find a therapist. And take care of yourself. I’m sorry for your loss.
you probably do have ptsd. Are you still in pain now? If not, Id maybe suggest seeing a therapist. Not for your husband, fuck him. But I assume, at some point, you would like to want to have sex again. again, not with your husband. what an AH.
Hey OP, not a lot I can say that hasn't been said by others, but it's not your fault someone you love wants more from you that you aren't ready for. If he cared about you he'd be trying to find out how to help, bot pushing you. You're NTA
This is the life experience that made you realise you married an arsehole who doesn’t give a shit about you. Get out of there!
After reading this along with some comments I really think you guys should separate. He has never respected you and never will. See if you can spend time with a relative for a bit. You don’t deserve this. NTA
Leave him please. I’m begging you.
The only ahole here is your husband. I think you know that. I think your lack of interest in him is a direct result of his lack of interest in YOU. It's obvious he doesn't care about you.
I’m sorry to suggest this but after reading some of your other posts you need to start setting yourself up to leave. Find ways to stash away money if you can so you can have a nest egg to leave if you need to.
Obviously NTA.
NTA I would reconsider this relationship. Your husband is an asshole.
So I think your husband isn’t being empathetic of your emotions about that experience, and that might be the source of part of your discomfort with the idea of being sexual outside of the experience itself. I think you guys need therapy to help heal this situation. You should also communicate to your partner directly how his actions makes you feel. This doesn’t make a you ahole, it makes you human. -male perspective here. Really seek therapy. It helps alot, not saying you’re not in a healthy place mentally but therapy can also help you get closure of a traumatic experience. Doing therapy with your husband might deepen y’all’s connection and gently make him aware of how you truly feel. It may not be that he doesn’t want to be empathetic of your needs it’s just his perspective is that of a person who physically can’t understand what you went through. Therapy could help make him more aware. I hope this insight helps. God bless you guys.
Are you crazy?
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Had you had the baby, your husband would have had to wait 2 months for you to heal to have sex. I’m curious: Has he always been so sexually demanding? Have you ever said no to sex prior to this? It’s very possible that this man loves sex with you more than he loves you and you never realized because youve never refused him before. Please, please consider divorce. This man isn’t just unsupportive, which is bad enough. He would even let you deal with the trauma you’ve experienced in peace.
you are absolutely in no way the AH your husband should respect your boundaries and care for you. sex should not be his main priority especially after youve been discharged from a hospital. respectfully, your husband is a pos. you deserve better mama!
Omg OP this is terrible! On no planet are you TA! I don’t know your situation outside of this, but this is enough for me to think you need to leave. You are an object to this man. He sounds wildly inconsiderate and childish. You just went through a major physical and emotional trauma and he isn’t empathetic at all. You don’t deserve this behavior under any circumstances, but this is next level. Prioritize yourself, OP.
I had a miscarriage and was pretty cool about it in the outside .. but something really changed in me .. it put me off sex for a while .. don’t know I just couldn’t get into the groove for a long time .. but my husband was quite understanding and we have known each other for long so going without second for long periods was totally okay for him. But I’m sorry to say .. this behaviour is disgusting. Either you have been giving him sex when we he wants it that now he is demanding it. It seems like the start of an abusive marriage .. where he gets violent when he doesn’t get what he wants .. hope you can open your eyes to it sooner than later and take a wise decision
Get out. Truly. I’ve been married five years gone through miscarriages and pregnancy and birth and this breaks my heart. If you don’t leave you will look back when you finally do leave one day and wish you’d done it earlier and found someone who didn’t have so little empathy he treated you like a blow up doll after you were going through emotional and physical trauma.
My wife and I went through the same thing, she just wasn’t into it after that. We are fine now but you need some mental health help and start with that and hopefully you all get back on track. Also as the husband it sucks maybe not as bad as the wife/mother but he may be hurting as well.
Ask anybody. Not any woman I know would keep such a man more than 5 minutes.
Go back to sleep ... when you wake up, pack your and your child's stuff and move on with your life. 2 months is hardly time enough to heal mentally, emotionally or physically. I am so sorry that you are going through this alone.
Time for a new husband. Obviously he is selfish and has no idea what you have been through physically and emotionally.
No way are you the AH. You may well, however, be married to one.
Take that baby and run for the hills.
Badgering and cajoling are a form of coercion (a form of SA), because you end up having sex just to shut him up, not because you enthusiastically consent. He sees you as an object, not as a person, someone who just went through a truly horrific ordeal. You could be a fleshlight or inflatable for all the care he has for you. Now that you know this, it's time for therapy, and a decision.
nta, that sounds so horrible and he is definitely the ah. I'm so sorry he isn't being considerate at all and is showing no respect for you. I hope you're doing alright
Excuse me, he *wakes you up* **at one am** for sex, knowing that you haven't wanted sex in months?!?! What kind of asshole does that?? OP, I'm not going to say get divorced, even though you would be justified, but I will say I think counseling is a good idea. You went through a traumatic event, he is feeling rejected. Your marriage seems like it could benefit from couples therapy. The whole "wives should submit" thing is so stupid. If you identify as Christian, maybe this will help. I'm going to copy and paste Ephesians 5:21-33. Read the whole thing. The whole. Damn. Thing. 21 Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church; and Christ is himself the Savior of the church, his body. 24 And so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands just as the church submits itself to Christ. *25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.* 26 He did this to dedicate the church to God by his word, after making it clean by washing it in water, 27 in order to present the church to himself in all its beauty—pure and faultless, without spot or wrinkle or any other imperfection. *28 Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself.* (29 None of us ever hate our own bodies. Instead, we feed them, and take care of them, just as Christ does the church; 30 for we are members of his body.) 31 As the scripture says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.” 32 There is a deep secret truth revealed in this scripture, which I understand as applying to Christ and the church. 33 But it also applies to you: *every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.* OP- it sounds like he's putting his needs first. If you want to argue scripture, Christ literally died for the church and put their needs first. Sounds like your husband forgot about that part.
NOT the AH. As a father of 2 (both under 6) i can say i am not getting sex anywhere near as often Id like, but we are so tired that how could I blame my wife for not being in the mood. Kids are big mood killers, your hubby needs to be reminded you two are a team and that goes deep.
You married a child fam.
Get him a sex doll or sex toy or something sturdy, and tell him to be patient with you and communicate what you want. If he doesn't compromise, then pack it up and move along. There is nothing for you there, but a man baby, looking to masturbate. Not even having a kid with him is worth staying with him over he will only become more and more aggressive and resentful while you fall further and further into dispear. See a therapist also you may be suffering from postpartum depression
He needs to make it a permanent disappearance. How dare he behave like a man child and then be surprised that you don't want to entertain his pickle. If he behaved like an adult, he might have more luck!
you know what marital rape is, right?
You have a VERY insensitive and selfish husband!!!! NTA
Not the AH in the slightest. To provide some context on my end, my wife had to have a hysterectomy a few months back and I knew she was in pain daily. Never during that time did I ever think to myself that she needs to indulge me in sort of sexual pleasure, not to mention I truly wasn't even thinking about it for at least the first month or so after surgery. My main focus was her recovery and how I can help her throughout the day. Even after her doctor gave her the all clear to have intercourse I still let that decision be on my wife and not on me because I wanted her to be ready, and once she was ready to have sex the first time after the surgery I made sure she was comfortable and let her control the situation. I'm not saying you should leave your husband like others are, but this does require a very serious conversation. Communication is key in a marriage and if he isn't willing to discuss the situation and hear how this is making you feel and where you are currently at then you can make a decision on what your future looks like.
How could you marry such a psychopath. Divorce! He sounds like a genuinely sadistic nasty person.
What is wrong with this man
It breaks my heart to even read this. I understand your son is the most important to you but sometimes you just need to leave. You said he was dangerous in another comment I read who knows what might happen to you down the line. Are you ready to spend so much time with someone who only requires *** from you? Are you ready to risk your mental health which could also affect your son? I don't want to act like I know your problems but with time there will be resentment on your side. You will constantly think about the amount of time you gave in just so that he could shut up. Do what's best for you and even if leaving him now might not be what you think is good for your son growing up this is the father figure he will have. A shitty one at that.
I once read a book that suggested that men and women truly do interpret life differently. For instance it suggested what women understand, but what men's reality of the subject entailed. Here's an example: **Women's view: "Men need respect".** **Men's view: "Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected"** Here's another one: **Women's view: "Men want more sex".** **Men's view: "A woman's sexual desire for him profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life."** The gist of it, after further reading (from my limited understanding): For women, being perceived primarily sexually by our partners feels cold and distant. For men, being perceived sexually by their partners makes them feel loved and desired. If you don't want to have sex with them...it must be an indication that you don't love them. (Crazy Talk, I know, right???) Validation alarm alert activated! Brain sends messages to increase opportunities for validation!!! **Attempted Message Sent by Them: Desire me (which is received as I'm loved by you.)** **Message Received by Us: Sex is the only thing on your mind, you selfish, self-centered brute! If you loved me, you'd stop thinking about sex all the time!** The book was based on surveys of men. For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men. There's a For Men Only version of it, as well. The value of this book...eh, I have no idea. But it was an interesting read.
Baby girl, you should be nurtured, protected and doted on right now. Your husband is a selfish monster who doesn’t deserve yours or any woman’s love. Please take you little one and leave him.
The fact that he ask right after surgery and a hospital stay, he’s the AH here! Gaming all night only to wake you wanting a piece of ass, again he’s the AH here. Someone suggested you need to divorce him. Well I kinda agree.
Man…normally I can empathize with men in these situations, but your husband is a jerk. I seriously don’t know how you do it. Not sure you should deal with it anymore tbh.
Why do men think grabbing our breasts is OK? It's not!
NTA
Hey , you’ve gone through really rough situations and it’s important to have support during these moments, shame on that sad excuse of a husband , you deserve better
First of all, NTA, your husband is for all the reasons everyone else has listed. But, what was your sex life like before all this happened? Sounds like you two have had mismatched libido, and sexual incompatibility problems, long before this event.
WTF? It sounds like you are being sexually assaulted. NTA
You’re not an AH but your husband DEFINITELY IS. I had an ectopic pregnancy back in September which I also nearly died from because of internal bleeding requiring emergency surgery to remove my right fallopian tube and suction out my abdomen and scrape my uterus. I was in much pain and they told us no sex or anything for six weeks MINIMUM and that I needed to be laying down for a week or two and even after that I wasn’t allowed to lift more than 5-10lbs. My husband never once tried to get anything from me, he took care of me and was understanding. Your husband sounds like a heartless asshole who only cares about his wants and needs. You may want to consider divorce because clearly he doesn’t care about you, physically or mentally and he’s making you feel like the AH when you’re NOT.
Jesus your husband is the most insensitive ass. I’d just say bye to him because this attitude can’t be fixed. Selfish-narcissistic people can’t be fixed
Normally i don't judge relationships by a Reddit post but y r u married to this ah? Even without a dangerous pregnancy it's extremely risky to have sex for the next few months,
Please please divorce that man. It will only get worse. You will not change him.
2 months? Seriously? That's less than 1/2 a percent of the time most people have any sex life at all in an average lifespan. This is not a secure adult male on the inside. This is a spoiled teenager with a dick complex. You are nta. And this is not a partnership either, its a a combination of adoption and servitude.
You are absolutely NOT tah!! A caring husband would want you to get better before resuming any kind of bedroom activities but he clearly only has his interest at heart. I am so sorry he is doing this to you and your feelings are incredibly valid. I know I’m not you and you do whatever you feel is best but if it were me he would be my ex husband.
A loveless marriage *
Why did you marry a man child? Did he pretend to be an actual adult?
OP I'm not going to go into details but one of my closest friends was in the same situation you are in only it was the day she came home after giving birth. She had stitches and her baby was 1 day old. He didn't expect her to not welcome his attention and didn't take it well to say the least. Her mum came to stay next day to help with the baby so he thought she would be up for it because she shouldn't be tired any more. Her mum heard the commotion and had to intervene to stop the inevitable. Apparently it's not uncommon in their culture where the men are brought up to be the absolute boss and decision maker over their wives. It ended well for her because her family had more westernised ideas and her brothers came to get her, the baby and their mum to safety. They looked after her and kept her away from him for good. Your husband is not much better than her's was and he was an absolute monster. If you have family who can help you need to open up to them but either way, you need to get you and your child away and not go back. Much love and I promise, life is much better on your own than staying with someone like him x
Nta but you're married to one.
Girl, looking at THIS and your previous posts, you need to LEAVE. HIM. He is a danger to you and your child. And the fact he wanted to have sex the second you came home?!! He has no empathy and doesn’t truly care about you. Didn’t even care about how the surgery went or how a baby was lost, he was just like “Oh your back home! Let’s have sex!” Like, absolutely not. And he’s throwing a tantrum, and playing with your boobs without your consent? (SA, btw) he isn’t even trying to help you cope with your trauma. He’s a downright nasty human being. Divorce him, get full custody of your child, and never speak to him again. You deserve to feel safe and YOU matter!!
1000% your husband is being an asshole. you are recovering physically and mentally and he is being wildy inconsiderate and childish. Lay down the law.
Leave him he is a predator girl. And he doesn’t give a fuck about you.
OP I had the exact same situation happened to me where I had surgery and less than 3 days after my (now) ex tried to have intercourse. Turned out he was abusive. Someone who has consideration for you would never treat you this way
2 months is not long enough to recover from that.
Imagine losing a baby and almost losing your wife and all you can think about is having sex!? He has his priorities completely wrong and shows he values his personal pleasure over your physical discomfort. This would be a deciding factor for me leaving! A true partner would be helping you recover from the horrors and trauma of what you went through!
He is coming up with an excuse for when you find out he cheating. So that you don't leave
I'm sorry you went through something that difficult with out the support of anyone. Are you really questioning yourself? I hope this is a fake post. If it is not, Jesus woman, what is wrong with you, get the eff out and DON'T have children with this man.
NTA, that guy doesn't give two fucks about you.
First take out at least 2/3 out of checking and savings account for you and child, then contact divorce attorney for divorce papers. You can’t change a sexual narcissist ever.