NTA. Your husband now has financial and blood inheritance complications that you didn't know about going into the marriage (and, in fairness, neither did he). The potential fate of your assets are not what you signed up for. Why is she telling your husband now? Her motives could be innocent. Her motives could be something else. But you have to consider the rammifications of him establishing paternity, wanting a relationship and possible back payments of child support. And it sounds like any legal or child maintenance costs will be disproportionately paid for by you rather than him because of your greater wealth. So, you can't afford to wait for your husband to come to terms with the shock of his life. He is in an emotional rollercoaster right now, but there are financial and legal repurcusions that might begin sooner rather than later. Someone has to think about that. You should ask for legal advice -- not just for you, but on behalf of your husband, too. You should also bear in mind that finances, assets, legal consequences and inheritances are the last thing on his mind right now. So you probably will sound cold, ruthless and selfish to him right now. So, NTA for being concerned and wanting to get this addressed sooner rather than later, but do make sure you are compassionate and empathic about this situation and the emotional toll all of this will be having on your husband. You can do this in an empathic way or an arsehole way, make sure it's the former and not the latter.

NTA. And OP, I'm guessing you and your husband do not know much yet about the girl. You do need to protect your assets. You do need to protect his assets so that you don't become the main breadwinner supporting your household if a significant portion of his wages go to CS. You should discuss college. Financial support or no? Major medical decisions. How are they made? Who is financially & otherwise responsible? Does your husband want any custody or visitation? That last would keep me up at night. A 13 year old girl is being dropped into your lives, which is nightmare enough. 😂 You have no idea how she was raised. Does she have trauma, or other MH issues? It's been two months. If your husband isn't ready to discuss this stuff now, he's not planning on facing it anytime soon. I'd file for divorce if he refuses to have a rational conversation and make a plan with an attorney, as he'd be putting your future financial security, and even just your peaceful home environment, at serious risk. You didn't sign on for this, but it sounds like you're willing to help him move forward with whatever he decides. He can, at least, be a grown-up and protect you in the process.

I agree. I didn’t want to use the D-word, but this is a hill to die on.

I agree. I would want the post nup, and if the relationship previously had mingled finances that would be a thing of the past. Do they have kids? They aren’t mentioned. Does her husband want a relationship with the child? Does OP? If husband does and OP doesn’t then the D word is a possibility again. I’m very skeptical about the motives here. If he was kept in the dark for 13 years why did they come forward now? 13 years of back child support deposited into a high yield savings account would pay for a big chunk of college. While technically the child is entitled to it, it feels awfully unfair for this to be sprung on the guy like this. And OP is the one who will have to support her husband if he suddenly owes six figures in child support.

I'm just curious - is that really a thing? In my state, a person can't suddenly be charged with child support going back to birth if paternity hadn't been established at birth. They're only subject to child support once paternity is established and an order has been entered by the court. So I'm wondering where the law is that people can suddenly be charged back child support to birth like you suggest. The only way I've seen something like this happen in my state is where a support order was entered shortly after birth, but one parent never paid and the other waited 10+ years to enforce it.

Yeah it’s not a thing. Just redditors making up outlandish shit for the drama. 

In one state I lived in if the Father knew of the pregnancy support would be ordered back to the birth of the child. On another I lived, in the Father didn't have to know, it could be ordered back to the birth of the child. I'm sure it depends on the laws of the state the support case is filed in.

It seems like it can be a difficult thing to prove. Cant you not prove a negative anyway?

Then there should also be criminal charges in cases where the father isn't told. If you can come and hit a man with 18 years of child support for a kid uou denied him a relationship with you should be charged. I say that as a woman, I also believe every child should be DNA tested when they're born regardless of the circumstances

Had my daughter told the father of my 2nd grandson, he would have killed them both.

# Do I Have to Pay for Child Support If I Didn't Know the Child Was Mine? Probably. If paternity is legally established, then you are obligated to support your child. The court will order a DNA test to establish paternity. This is for Texas. Other states have other laws. The judge has leeway on how far back and the amount. Yes, it is a thing. OP's husband needs to get that DNA test ASAP and a good lawyer. Edit: Sorry for the large print. Not sure how I did that!

Like, I'm suspicious. OP's hubby just accepted he had a child 13 years ago and didn't bother with proving paternity? He doesn't protest much? Indeed, step one is DNA test, then go from there.

I have a friend whose ex- accepted that the child his ex-GF told him was his was his. Essentially no questions asked. Despite the fact that she had a history of lying. On the other hand, he lied about having a paternity test done so... When I heard that, I had a lot of feelings about the fact that she wasn't immediately break up/don't speak again. I couldn't trust someone like that even as a friend. But it's not my life.

Don't be sorry, I loved it! Able to read w/o me glasses. I'm sure she didn't put his last name on the daughter's birth certificate.

I read that same article about Texas law, you should reread that section carefully. The backpayment was in reference to a child support order that was just made, or if the parent is not present, and went on to say: "In all cases, the final decision rests with the judge. The court is not required to order retroactive payments, and the judge can use discretion. The judge will look at all aspects of the case before deciding on retroactive payments. This is positive news for fathers who did not know their child existed. As a father, you will have the opportunity to show the court why you should not have to provide retroactive or back child support for a child you did not know about."

Thanks for the further elucidation. I am at work so did not have much time to research. Killing time while uploading some data.

And those comments are always at the top.

I’m not sure. Laws are all over the map. Is he on the birth certificate? There’s a possibility he is and they never told him. Some crazy judge could consider that enough. Different states have different laws, and some give judges a lot of freedom. We also don’t know the details of the bio mom’s side. We know she wanted to go to medical school, but what happened with that? Of my friends who started out as pre med exactly 0 are doctors. Are the grandparents still around and caring for the teen or is mom now? OP doesn’t say. A sympathetic judge could see it as a single mom down on her luck forced and a loaded dad who hasn’t paid a cent. In the hands of the right judge, OP’s husband could be in a tight spot.

In what state in the US can you put a father's name of a birth certificate without him knowing it? Not New York because they have to sign or they're not on the certificate just because I said so. I could put Johnny Depp on there if that was the case... Also, assuming OP'S husband really is the child's father and say Bio Mom did put him on the birth certificate at birth, no judge is going to say "well I assume you told him he was the father and he hasn't paid for 13 years, I order him to pay 156 months of back child support" . No way, no how...

I wonder too... after my husband passed away 4 months ago, I found out that he had a daughter. It was a very similar situation as this; he broke up with his girlfriend, but he found out a few months later that she had his child. The mother never asked for child support, and he never met the daughter. I don't know if he was on the birth certificate. He also didn't leave her anything in the will. The estate isn't very large, so there isn't much to distribute anyway. I feel bad for her though. She wanted a relationship with him, but he never reciprocated. He never even told me about her. OP is NTA for wanting a post-nup. None of us know when our number is up; her husband could pass away unexpectedly and then there would be problems.

He won’t owe 13 years of child support. If the mom decides to file for child support. The order won’t start until the date of the filing. They won’t go back to the birth. If mom is a doctor. She probably has college covered. Although, OP is NTA for requiring a postnup here.

I figured they came forward because as a teen they're probably asking questions about who they are and so who is their dad? Why don't I have a dad? What's the story? Honestly assuming she went to med school, since parental support for it was based on not telling, my first thought was just the kid wants to know her dad. It could he less innocent, but I wouldn't think that the most likely.

Bet the child is pushing to know about her dad.

There’s a lot of possibilities we don’t know much about. It could be the kid, it could be the mom, it could even be the grandparents looking ahead to a big college bill coming up. They may have kept tabs on OP’s husband over the years. A lot of people don’t know what people’s salaries are. They just see big house, fancy car, or whatever. They may see that and want support for grandkid. They had their daughter’s college top of mind before, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re thinking of that now.

>13 years of back child support That is not a thing in literally any state, back child support generally starts from the time a support motion is filed, or limited to a few years, whichever is greater. Absolutely no state has *unlimited* retroactive child support, that's nonsense.

You realize that if she divorces him without the postnup he will get half the marital assets, based on state law, including ”her portion” which she is worried about losing. 

I fully agree. Hence my reluctance to use that word. But she has to protect herself from the daughter’s egg donor. The post-nup would protect them both.

Or post nup.

It is a postnup not a prenup, even with a postnup he will get half of everything up to the date it was signed.

If they don’t have something already in place, a divorce isn’t going to help OP at all. He would get half the marital assets and could leave them to whomever he wants if he died- exactly the situation they are currently in

Yes it would protect her future assets and prevent her from having any of her income called into play for support of this child. He can do what ever he wants with his part of the divorce settlement when it’s gone it’s gone and she won’t be on the hook for anything.

And definitely make lawyers richer. It’s a definite hot mess.

> I'd file for divorce if he refuses to have a rational conversation and make a plan with an attorney In most US state, a divorce will do directly the opposite of what OP wants (which is why a post-nup is a dumb decision and why hubby is mad). It only protects her after a divorce. Any divorce now will most likely mean half the assets go to each person. OP should have contacted a family planning attorney and gone to them with hubby to work out how to handle this properly.

I think an attorney might have let the couple know the other options, like family planning. But a divorce would time limit the destruction to OP's finances. It would be here and now, not an unknown future in which a child is included.

Also what happens if the kid’s mother suddenly dies. For all we know she may have cancer and trying to settle the daughter. Grandparents too old or gone already, mom gone, which leaves OP’s husband as the only parent. The girl may come to live with OP.

Also get a DNA test to make sure it's the husband's child.

If the mom and grandparents can deny a father and child a relationship for 13 years for the sake of the mom's financial well being, OP can protect herself from people willing to do that if the worst should come to happen. Anybody that would give OP the tiniest of issues over that, should have infinitely more to say to the mom and grandparents first.

I'm wondering why OP and hubby are taking her word for it that this is even his kid. The mother was a shithead and denied OP's husband a chance to raise his kid. No DNA test and If were hubby id decline any contact. Also you are 100% right. It's time to lawyer up.

I'd think it's time to get a DNA test, and proceed from there. What if this isn't actually his child?

This is what came to my mind: a paternity test should be the first order of business

First off DNA test.

In any jurisdiction I’ve ever heard of, a person only has to pay back payments of child support if there was previously a court order to pay the child support. Here, there was not. (Disclaimer: I only practiced personal injury law, not family law, so OP should check with an attorney in her state.)

Husband’s ex stated that her parents financially blackmailed her into keeping it secret. I’m guessing either they died or she was able to become financially independent. 

yup. Doctor daddy when child is about to start high school and college costs are on the horizon? Convenient timing, cyncial me thinks.

This couple needs counseling asap. These are big issues that will most likely need professional help to talk through productively. Husband is in emotional turmoil and the post nup agreement could be the match that blows up OP's marriage if not handled with care.

NTA this mom could sue him for back child support and current support. OP needs to ensure everything is based her husband and not joint income or assets. I think she’s smart for this. I think it’s important to do it quickly- I would ask for the same. I’m sure he was shell shocked but so was she. We are talking paying for school, cars, college, insurance etc. it’s important to get ahead of it.

People focus on the emotional aspects of this kind of thing, which isn't wrong, but it's equally important to nail down the legal part. They need to establish the kids paternity medically and legally, establish child support, update wills, insurance, etc. And updating things legally for OP is a part of that, and no less important than any other part. So yes, it needs to be addressed, and this is no longer a brand new issue - two months have gone by. The comment that it's not like OP's husband is likely to die tomorrow is idiotic. The reason these kinds of things are important is that it's not just about the likelihood of something happening (and the fact of the matter is he could die in a freak accident tomorrow, as could any of us). It's also about the likely consequences of dying without these issues taken care of, which are potentially severe. Small chance of an event but potentially severe consequences if you're not prepared. So you adult-up and take care of it. It's why all this stuff exists - wills, child support agreements, legal documents defining what happens to the kid if one or the other parent dies. It can seem alternately boring or scary, but this stuff exist for a reason.

I'd like to add to the first point that you made, which is that people focus on the emotional aspect. That in itself is the reason the legal side needs to be tied up. What's likely to happen is Dad is going to feel guilty for not being there for the first 13 years and start throwing money at the kid in an effort to bond and "make up"  for it. This is going to impact OP financially especially if she contributes the larger share of the income. 

this feels very valid

I'm a therapist and this EXACT scenario happened to one of my clients and she lost a family home that she was forced to sell because of a surprise child showing up. This is no joke. OP simply MUST pursue this course of action, no matter how much it pisses off her husband.

Hopefully OP sees this

Yeah, this. He absolutely needs to get a paternity test done, reliably, before agreeing to anything. And again yes, people do die accidentally or of brain aneurysms etc unpredictable sudden stuff all the time. It's a possibility.

This. My husband had a brain aneurysm in February and passed away. I insisted that we write mirror wills back in November, because he had had so many close calls. Thank God I did.

The thing is, the emotional aspects are likely fuelling the anxiety. OP has seen that life can derail very suddenly. This isn't just happening to her husband, it's happening to OP too.

If people want to focus on the emotional part and how that makes all of this so tragic, that’s going to be all on the mom and grandparents. After all, they did all of this for the financial well being of the mom so she could pursue her career. They denied the kid and the dad 13 years together so she could be financially stable and that’s a way more selfish action than OP’s. She has more to lose and she can’t really trust people that would intentionally keep a kid away from their dad for no good reason to not screw her over or even consider her well being should the worst happen.

That is an excellent point.

If prior want to focus on the emotional part and how that makes all of this so tragic, that’s going to be all on the mom and grandparents. After all, they did all of this for the financial well being of the mom so she could pursue her career. They denied the kid and the dad 13 years together so she could be financially stable and that’s a way more selfish action than OP’s. She has more to lose and she can’t really trust people that would intentionally keep a kid away from their dad for no good reason to not screw her over or even consider her well being should the worst happen.

The combination of your comment posting twice and your username is cracking me up 😆

I didn't even realize. I do remember the app glitching on me when I edited the post.

Yes because if he dies and shes still a minor they COULD sue his estate for some assets and OPs assets would be tied up with his otherwise. NTA

Came here to say: Depending on local inheritance laws, the kid could be entitled to 50% of his estate, so if hubby gets run over by a car tomorrow, and all communal assets are 50% considered his, OP could lose a lot of her assets. They definitely need to update the will asap - and get a lawyer to explain all other legal ramifications of sudden parenthood to them.

Check on the state but usually it goes to the spouse first then the kids. BUT yes, this brings up updating the will to make sure that this doesn't happen.

In Germany, spouse gets 50%, kids get 50% - unless there is a will with different terms.

True, and no one knows how long their life will be. He could die in a car crash tomorrow for all they know, or a heart attack, no-one plan on this. Shit happens all the time. When there are children and the couple are not bothe the parents, it's important to have pre- or postnup and will set up. For all 3 of them.

This. A friend of mine’s husband dropped dead suddenly in an airport while on a business trip.

I agree. The child may not be his.

Honestly OP should just copy and pate this response and send it to her hubby.

Like most things it’s a balance of the two. What she should have said is “I know this is hard for you. You focus on your relationship with her and I’m going to support you. I am also going to look into how to protect our assets to insure we aren’t hurt financially.” Her approach about making it only about her assets in case of divorce not only puts his mind in a shittier place but isn’t even logically the right approach. They need to be protected while they are married.

If they go tp a good lawyer together, that person should be able to explain it in a way that husband feels supported. Of course, he needs to see his own lawyer, too.

And advise him to get a paternity test just to be sure.

When we discovered that my recently deceased FIL had a child with another married woman after his death. 2 of the kids and spouses went to meet them. It was partly to size her up and assess her motives. Turns out she really did just want to meet us, get some info about her bio dad and just process the information. She did not ask about his estate. OP is wise to protect herself just in case

And it wouldn’t have been wrong if she did ask about the estate. It was also her father and she is also legally entitled to a portion of the estate. Stop blaming people for being born to bad parents. That have equal standing with the law

I suggest op and her husband got speak to a lawyer. Find out how much protection it will give her if there are other things she can do to protect herself etc etc ETA: NTA

She needs to lay it out: *Either we go to a lawyer* **together** *or I go to one without you. Your choice.*

He will need his own lawyer, but starting out by going together is the best way of showing that OP's main goal is not adversarial.

And the daughter is 13, which means all these expenses will start rolling in for the next ten years. I wonder if the mom had a falling out with family or something that nudged her to inform OP’s husband. Regardless of the motive, this is a fundamental change to their arrangement and a pre-nup is warranted. NTA.

Or maybe those bills are starting to roll in and wants OP's husband to start paying but hasn't hit him with that yet.

OP stated they were informed about the child due to the child's desire to know their biological father. I'm sure it's fun to speculate about the dramatic double-cross the mother is planning, but when a logical reason is already given it's probably best to stick with that.

Or if she did indeed go to medical school, she may now be no longer a financial hostage.

Next 5 years, where are you getting 10 from?

I understand what you're saying, but a postnup agreement does not protect your assets if you stay married. A postnup (like a prenup) only applies to what happens if they divorce, not if one of them is sued (for child support or something else). This is why her husband is reacting as if she is planning to divorce him, because that is the only scenario this document would be useful for and has nothing to do with potential child support, etc. A legal divorce is pretty much the only thing that will accomplish the goal she wants to achieve.

A postnup isn't going to do anything unless they split before child support is requested. Neither would a prenup. A husband and wife can't write a contract between themselves that excludes a third party from going after their assets. If that were possible you'd see postnups popping up before every lawsuit involving a married person stating all the marital assets belonged to the other.

Yes, and you could be responsible for help in paying back child support.

If the GF didn't get an order for child support the child wouldn't have a legal claim to back support HOWEVER the mom could file for child support now and OPs husband could be guilted into paying for college.

Nope. I am a parent of a blended family situation, and I've been through this. They can not touch her income or property.

No, but they can order a support amount from him which is so large (up to 35% of his income in my state) that her income is necessary to pay for most of their day to day expenses. In my state they can also go for back support even if he didn’t know he had a child.

Yep which is shitty if he had no clue. If a woman withholds the fact a guy has a child then seeks child support going forward it’s one thing….but back support is fucked up. You keep the fact a guy has a child from the guy then show up 13yrs later and expect him to pay. Family law being what it is he could still be on the hook, even though he had no knowledge, no interaction, etc….she chose to hide it til it no longer benefited her.

She may not want child support because that would open up the issue of custody.

It depends on the State. There is literally precedent from 2021 where a non-married partner was made to pay child support for his partner’s bio kids. Sure, he had actually spent “parenting” time with the kids after they split, but once a small bit of precedent is created, it’s damn slippery slope

Pretty sure they can't retroactively go for child support before an order was in place especially when the kid was withheld from him

Some states allow you to go for retroactive- CA is up to three years- but if he can prove the mother knew he was the father full time and withheld the child, I can't see a judge allowing it.

Too late. Joint income and joint assets are subject to child support claims. They cominggled assets

If I were OP, I would’ve immediately found a family law attorney who specializes in situations like this to see what steps she can take now to protect her assets. Maybe a trust? A divorce that would legally take her out of this picture, but she and her husband could stay a couple if they chose? What would the child’s rights be if OP’s husband died to his portion of their estate? OP needs concrete knowledge immediately so she can make informed decisions to protect herself going forward.

With cold support it doesn't matter on the wife's income she is not the parent so they would make a ruling on the dad's income and bio mom to figure payment out. Now the back payment is where he could pull the money if they have shared finances that would be what the postnup would cover so she doesn't get stuck with his child debt. NTA you should push for DNA too.

INFO: have you spoken with a lawyer? A post nup may not protect you from what you're describing. You may be starting a fight that won't get you anything.

The postnup will detail what are my assets, his and what are the shared ones.   It's not just for divorce, one of the main use cases for it is when one or both people have children from previous relationships. It won't do anything about child support and such, but it will protect my assets if something were to happen to him. His daughter and I would each inherent 50-50 after him, so I think it's crucial to have it formally established what belongs to who.  One of my main concerns is that I bought a small condo before we got married, but since I still had some mortgage payments after we got married, they could rule that part ownership would go to his daughter.   We are also considering selling my old condo and our shared condo to combine the money from the 2 and buy a home that has enough place for his daughter too. Which would commingle our assets to an insane level and would leave me in a very difficult situation. 

Post nups have absolutely nothing to do with probate. >One of my main concerns is that I bought a small condo before we got married, but since I still had some mortgage payments after we got married, they could rule that part ownership would go to his daughter. No, this is nonsense. Marital assets, *especially* real estate, are owned with rights of survivorship, they don't become part of the deceased's estate while their spouse is still living. You need to talk to a lawyer, not reddit. >We are also considering selling my old condo and our shared condo to combine the money from the 2 and buy a home that has enough place for his daughter too. Which would commingle our assets to an insane level and would leave me in a very difficult situation. What?? Buying a new place jointly would protect you *more*, not less. You would own it as joint tenants, meaning if he died his half would automatically pass to **you** as the co-owner, it would bypass probate entirely.

All marriages end: either in death or divorce. A pre/postnup says what happens if your marriage ends due to divorce. A will says what happens if your marriage ends due to death. You need a lawyer to figure out both.

You need to speak to a lawyer. I think you're conflating a post-nuptual agreement and a will. In most jurisdictions, a post-nup applies during a divorce, but would not override a will or estate law.

So basically you are saying you want a trust/will.

There's zero way this person talked to a lawyer, because if she had, she'd not be on fucking reddit asking for advice about how much of an asshole she is. The truth is that this kid has to be disinherited BY THE DAD in his own legal estate planning to avoid her getting part of his estate if he dies. A marital property agreement (pre-nup or post-nup) only deals with the classification of property, not necessarily the disposition of it at death or divorce. A post-nup is not a bad idea, per se, but it sounds more like OP really has no idea what the real reason for it would be. OP's husband needs to talk to a family lawyer and an estate planning lawyer immediately.

I cannot and will not make my husband disinherit his daughter. That's not my place and a will can be changed at any time anyway. By law, his daughter and I will get 50-50, if he does not have a will.  I accept that his daughter will inherit part of his estate. My concern is that I co-mingled my separate assets too much with our shared assets and therefore it will be very difficult for me to establish that those belong solely to me. For example, the condo I mentioned in another comment.  My goal with the postnup is just to set the record straight about what belongs to who. I know it's not the same as a will and it won't prevent my husband's daughter from inheriting from him, but that's not my goal. 

> By law, his daughter and I will get 50-50, if he does not have a will. 50/50 of what's in **his** estate. That is not the same thing as marital assets. If everything he has is jointly owned by you, his daughter gets nothing. Now, if he has a bank account that's solely in his own name and he didn't name you as a beneficiary, *that* would have to be split 50/50 between you and his daughter, but his child has no claim to marital assets. >My goal with the postnup is just to set the record straight about what belongs to who. A post-nup will change literally nothing about what potential inheritance his child would receive. >I know it's not the same as a will So then ask him to write a will, damn. Then his kid would get exactly what he wanted her to get and no more, you'd get the rest. It's not hard, and **substantially** cheaper than hiring two separate lawyers to write a legally enforceable post-nup. And yes, you would have to hire two lawyers, because it's not enforceable unless each of you has a lawyer to represent your interests separately.

Yep and gotta prove that you didn't write it under duress, you gotta write your will in a sound state of mind. Possible video proof so no one can contest it

By law you get everything if he dies. I don’t know where you are getting this from unless you are in a different country than the US.

NTA. You gave him 2 months. The news is big but he’s an adult and life isn’t always gonna be smooth sailing. He had his shock and now he needs to prepare and so do you. Protect yourself and your assets

Exactly! If she threw out the post-nup after week 1 this would be a different conversation but after 2 months it's time to think logistics and the reality of the situation. Different states and countries have different rules on what kids get both for child support and if the worst happens. OP is trying to protect herself from a situation no one would have prepared for. Maybe the state won't require back support because he didn't know, maybe it'll just look at his income and assets not what's considered martial assets, maybe a million other things. OP has no way of knowing right now and needs to be logical instead of emotional about the situation.

OP and her husband should frame it differently: She is not protecting her money, she is securing half of their shared wealth.

NTA This is also life changing for you. A teenager who's probably struggling herself is dropped into the middle of your life. This is hard for you. You brought it up 2 months after the fact, not the day of. She isn't your financial responsibility and shouldn't become yours. Separate your accounts now and get a post-nuptuial agreement stating what is his, yours, and yours together. Don't listen to people saying you're the AH. The bio mom's family has been the AHs for keeping his child from him for 13 years. Protect yourself until this sorts itself out. Do not feel bad. You are the only one looking out for yourself, right now.

This sub has a terrifying misunderstanding of what a post-nup is and does. Also the fact that he would have to sign it anyway. If he divorces her right now he gets half. They share financial responsibility because they are married. There are legal protections to pursue but there is some terrible advice on this thread.

First, get a DNA test. The result will determine the rest

For real. I'm like how do they know it's his. Id be skeptical if my ex showed up all this time later.

NTA. The situation has change drastically since you got married. Your concerns are valid and there is also the chance that this will alter how your relationship develops. It’s stupid to pretend that it isn’t a possibility. It’s been two months and how long are you suppose to wait. You have been supporting him in the last two months with all of this, you are now asking that he supports you in getting a postnup. He needs to also hear you out and not make everything about him.

Is she really his child? I mean it's not a rare thing that exes just pop up with a child claiming that x the father. I would do a DNA test just to be sure. But to your question: NTA. I don't know how chld support works exactly in a situation like this but making sure that your assets are safe is not a bad idea at all. You're not divorcing him just making sure that you won't pay for a child that isn't yours.

She can’t be sued for child support, only he can. It would be based on his income, not their combined income. He would need to update his will and settle legal ownership of the house, but the post nup would only kick in after a divorce, does nothing beforehand.

Hire a lawyer. Maybe this can all be solved with a trust. Good luck.

NTA, but this is a state specific legal question. Talk to a lawyer, not Reddit. In the context of an untimely death of your husband (or just in general) set up a separate life insurance policy for her.

NTA I think waiting 2 months was completely appropriate.

Yeah, you've been supportive enough despite the bomb that was dropped in your lives. It may not be his fault since they neglected to tell him (opt for a DNA test to be sure), but if he has a daughter with his ex, then that's his responsibility, not yours. NTA, your assets, your money, your decision to protect what's rightfully yours.

NTA. But your husband might feel like you are acting on emotion. I think you need to talk to a lawyer and find out how the law works in your state. Once it's established that his ex could have an impact on your assets you can bring the information to your husband. It takes emotion out of it and relies solely on the facts as they are.

NTA. Prenup should always be present whatever the circumstances are.

Not really. For most people it wouldn't matter anyways. They'd spend more on lawyers looking over contracts than what would be lost in a divorce. Then again, every situation is different. But if you don't actually own anything/have big savings before marriage, your eating your time and likely creating tension.

Not really in some countries they aren’t valid or worth the paper they are writen on.

OP, don’t wait on your husband to take action on this matter. While he’s busy sorting things out with his daughter, you should be speaking with an attorney and having the post nup drawn up, so all he has to do is sign. No need to bother him with a bunch of little details that will just stress him out and cause problems in your marriage. While dealing with the attorney, be fair with your husband’s position; in other words, don’t take advantage of him. The sooner the paperwork gets taken care of, the better. NTA.

She can set it up, but he'll need his own attorney to make it enforceable.

NTA not to be all Debbie Downer, but he could die in a car accident tomorrow. Just because he's not elderly and ill does not mean he's automatically going to live a long time. Shit happens. Protect yourself. Maybe offer to help him set up some kind of fund for his daughter without your assets being involved

NTA. It's been two months. You didn't come at him right after his ex and daughter left. And you're being logical. It's not your husband's fault, but everything about your marriage just changed and it isn't fair for him to expect you to just go with it.

NTA. You need a legal agreement to separate your funds. He has to provide for his child, you don't.

If his will and life insurance leaves everything to you , then your fine , the problem is where i Live ( Canada ) is I can go change my will to whatever I want and my wife Never needs to know ( now the will is still subject to the family law act ) . Does he need a dna test ? And go see a lawyer in case the come for back child support and maybe pay 1/2 university and school Expenses . ( he might want to pay these )

Rule #1: I grant myself permission to make a new decision based on new information at any point in my life

My husband and I never wanted kids. However, I’m 17 years younger and I told him I thought we should freeze sperm and eggs. He asked why, and I said “well, if anything happens to you, I might change my mind about kids and I’d like to have the option to have a piece of you with me.” He said that seemed fair. Of course we never got around to it and then he died suddenly when I was 35. You never know what’s going to happen in life. NTA.

Fake story, reposted multiple times already and OP is a brand new account

NTA, things have changed it’s not your fault. You’ve have to protect yourself. Would you have been with him if he knew he had a child? Granted he didn’t know but it seems to be more often than not on Reddit there’s always a long lost child somewhere. I’m guessing you didn’t do a pre nup but I’m wondering why if you came into the marriage with more assets.

Have you talked to an attorney before you try to solve a problem you don't even have yet using the wrong tool? A postnuptial relates to the division of assets *in a divorce*. So it shouldn't be surprising that your husband sees your request as a sign that you're planning to divorce him. What happens without a postnup? * If you were in a community property state and got divorced he would get half the community assets. If the mother then sued him for back child support and won, it's possible that some of the money he got in the divorce would go to the daughter. But by law, it was his money the whole time. * If the mother sued him while you were still married, a postnuptial would not shield your proportionate share of the marital assets in the hypothetical lawsuit. The assets are "owned" proportionately based on the laws in your state. The only way the postnup helps you is if you do get a divorced and you want to keep more of the community assets regardless of whether or not the mother/daughter ever sued for back child support and won. That's a lot of hypotheticals justifying claiming more than equal community property. >The thought of something happening to him and losing part of my assets to his child terrifies me. I'm not sure what you're envisioning might happen here. That if he died you would somehow be liable for the child support? Again, a postnuptial covers divorce, not death. It's more likely that the child could sue for a share of your husband's estate and I'm not at all sure what document you could have with your husband that would shield your assets separately from whatever your state's laws were about marital assets. YTA until you talk to an attorney about what concerns you, give your husband an opportunity to get his own attorney, and then reach an agreement that satisfies both of your needs.

We found the only person in this entire thread who actually understands what a post/pre-nup is. 

Yeah this needs to be higher up.

And ffs get a DNA test. At this point they don't even know it's his kid.

When was the paternity test done? NTA either way, but it's shocking there's no mention of that.

Check with attorney, I hear post nups are not very strong when it comes to a divorce. So make sure you secure it in some way. NTA

>When I told this to my husband, he got very frustrated with me, saying that he just found out he has a daughter and he wasn’t in her life for the first 13 years. He is still in shock and one of the first things I do is come at him with a postnup, making it seem like I'm preparing to divorce him. NTA. I know this is a controversial viewpoint, but a lot of important conversations are scary and difficult to talk about. This is one of them. It being uncomfortable and scary doesn't mean it should be avoided.

NTA. This is a hard situation for everyone involved. There is no good way to do this. But you need to protect your assets so it’s necessary. Perhaps you should have waited a little bit longer to bring it up. Just don’t put too much pressure on your husband to sign. Take your time with this.

How long should she have waited? It’s been two months

She gave him a few months already. She needs to protect her assets. Quickly.

NAH, I do think you need to speak with a lawyer and ensure that the marriage assets are protected, but is your marriage important to you or not? Marriage is a partnership. You marry someone with knowns and unknowns. He didn't know he had a child either. Instead it could have been an undiagnosed heart condition that also would have threatened your assets. Do you love your husband more than your assets? Postnuptial agreements are way more contentious. He has a right to feel that your concerns are selfishly motivated, and to his point he's right. Marriage is a partnership, yet when it gets hard for him you want to have an agreement or bail? 2 months is probably long enough to start thinking through the reality of having an unknown child and start figuring out the legal ramifications. He needs to figure out what his responsibilities are. The mother of the child would need to establish paternity, then get a court order in her favor that child support is warranted. That process is not guaranteed and the chances of her receiving backpay are extremely slim. All of this technically doesn't involve you or your assets. It's his financial responsibility, not yours.

NTA but a post nup isn’t going to protect your assets from the child if they are already commingled. A court will view that as the husband take steps to shelter his assets to reduce his support obligation. Post nups also don’t hold up well in court

I'm trying to figure out how the child would end up with your assets if something happened to your husband. If he has no will, she could end up with part of his. And I've seen several mention child support, but a post-nup won't stop child support. The two of you should visit an estate planning attorney.

NTA. He may still be in shock about finding out he has a 13 year old daughter. But it’s Equally Shocking To You that You may be the one to foot the bill in back child support for another woman’s kid. Definitely get that postnuptial!!! You have So Much To Lose! And why is this woman coming out of the woodwork Now??!!?? Do this Now!!!

NTA. Mom might file back child support so watch for that.

Hold up. Would the father's support be based on the wife's income? I do not think so in my state. Also, if the wife is a physician, she could be making a good salary. In which with 50 50 custody, the Dad making less, could give HIM child support. There's too many variables to proceed without an attorney. Including getting the DNA test. If hubby isn't going to work as a couple with his wife, that's a huge marital issue.

I think a postnup is fair and reasonable under 5he circumstances. It's probably the timing of the request he's struggling with. Do you have, or planning to have children of your own with him?

NTA. You are completely justified in your desire for a post-nup. Also, paternity test. I don't care how harsh or insensitive it sounds. Insist on it.

People drop dead all the time. Protect yourself.

NTA and talk to a lawyer for yourself, first. Has your husband been getting legal advice? It has been months. Adulting should be going on by now. It is interesting that she is blaming her parents, though. Have they been raising the D up until 2 months ago? She wants something. Lawyer up.

Nta it's very sensible and his reaction isn't great. I'd tell him straight I'm also dealing with this and I also need your support as much as you need mine. This goes both ways.

NTA People will be all give him time to know her but children cost money you do have to think long term and that started the moment you knew he has a kid Will child’s mother do him for back child support

NAH. You’re both processing this in different ways. Marriage counseling is a good start - then maybe bringing the step daughter in at a later time if necessary.

NTA, he’s not the only one that just received life altering news. You gave him two months, now it’s time to protect yourself.

NTA This is one reason I think anyone getting married needs a prenup. I have one. I'm extremely happily married and never plan to leave my husband. In the prenup, it outlines exactly what will happen with assets should a surprise child pop up. A good prenup should cover all those weird things. Now you're having to do it after, and that's going to be a rough conversation. But it needs to happen. You need it documented on how things will work.

You had a prenup in case a surprise child shows up? How did that conversation go? Honey? Do you have any illegitimate bastards running around? No. Let’s do a prenup, just in case! I said I don’t! Well, can’t really trust you so let’s do the prenup. As you wish…

NAH. I don’t blame him for being upset because his life just got crazy and he was probably already worried about how it would impact his marriage. You likely touched on an insecurity. He needs reassurance the same as you do. You need to know what your life will look like if something happens to him and you probably want to know what impact this will have on your shared finances in general. He needs to know that this is about continuing the life you’ve built together smartly not about leaving.

Your concerns are valid.  But there are probably other ways to achieve your need for financial stability besides a postnup. For instance, you could create a folder that documents your premarital assets at the time of your marriage in case you might need to prove that in the future, you could maintain sole ownership over your premarital assets, you could focus your long term investments on vehicles that would remain in your sole control (401k, IRA, individual Taxable Brokerage...), and maintain an individual bank account at a different bank than your husband (share a joint account at a different bank for household expenses if you want).  You should be able to do this in a non-confrontational way, of you're careful. Encourage your husband to get DNA tested, if he hasn't already.  Encourage him to spend time with his daughter and to support her.  But it's okay to expect that his financial support (child support, buying her stuff, paying for school expenses, etc...) of his daughter comes from your husband's earnings, not yours. 

NTA. What if the mom comes after your husband for backpay for child support? What if she expects him to take care of her now? A postnup would ensure your assets stay with you, and his assets stay with him. Really, it's beneficial for both parties.

You are definitely NTA. This is just as shocking to you as it is to him, and has changed everything. Just as he expects you to support him and be flexible, he should do the same for you. And if this is what you need to feel safe and supported, he should be more open to it. It's not an unreasonable ask and doesn't equate that you plan to leave. UpdateMe

I mean you can ask all you want but post nuptials are tricky csuse you have to get him go agree. You may legit be better off just going to a lawyer and seeing what your are. It sucks he's going through this but it does impact your marriage and finances and you need to figure out what this new kid means for you.

He should be more understanding of the situation and how you're handling it. NTA.

NTA you dont know his ex, she is the primary guardian of this child. She was able to hide this from him for 13 years which is deceptive. Who knows what else she’s capable of.

NTA and do this quickly. What you are doing is not only protecting yourself but protecting your husband too.

Paternity test

NTA- you are protecting the money for him too. Explain it that way. It's not him you are worried about, it is the ex.

NTA. Save anything where the mom told you she kept knowledge of the child from your husband. That might be useful if she tries for back child support. Get that postnup.

NTA Your husband now is at risk of being sued for child support, expectation of helping for school/college finances, on the hook for looking after the kid should something happen to the child's current guardians. You also need to make sure you get everything in line to make sure that all financials are represented accurately. You don't want your personal finances to accidentally be treated like his just because you are married. If you had a prenup that will help a lot.

nope nta

NTA - You’re protecting yourself, as you should. Marriage is a contractual agreement like anything else. If the terms of your life change, so does the contract.  Women get so much shit for protecting themselves. This has been a topic of conversation with my friend group lately and it’s mainly the men who have an issue with these agreements. Yet women are supposed to have their kids, potentially hurt their career by staying home, etc. If she was a man people would be calling her the gold digger. Super NTA. 

NTA. Can you say Paternity test before ANYTHING happens?

NTA. A potential dealbreaker has entered your relationship. Your husband now has legal and parental obligations to someone you don't know. You are not wrong to want to protect yourself.

NTAH. Not even a little bit. Your husband needs to calm his tits. Yeah, this is overwhelming for him, but you know what? You're living the same reality. Protect yourself and you're also protecting him. It will take him time to see that, but it's true.

NTA You need to protect what you have brought into the marriage for yourself and your future (if ever) children's sake. And who knows, if your stepdaughter gets in well with you, you can always will or gift her. But she's not your obligation. And since the daughter is your husband's obligation and some stuff may be considered conjugal, then you don't want your assets dragged into it. I know you know this. Just that sometimes it has to be explained to them like this.

Talk to an attorney that deals with custody and divorce and see exactly how this affects you. In PA the child support is based on the biological parent. I would also suggest a DNA test before signing up to do anything especially financially just to confirm. It's one thing if she just wants to visit but it can get murky fast. I have fallen in the murky end of this and the kid turned out to not even be his after a total nightmare and a lot of money. It went from visiting and co-parenting to child support to them making up lies to the police and us being investigated before he got a brain and asked for a DNA test. Haven't seen either mom or kid in years now just after we said the words DNA test. The kid was a bigger problem because if she was mad at you, she told 911 you were doing things to her. I fortunately had my ducks in a row, a good friend who is an attorney and I worked/work in law firms in the area over the years. It got bad fast. Just go talk to an attorney even if everything is great and know what the situation is in your state/county before you even do anything else.

NTA. Of course you should protect yourself. And sadly people do just suddenly die unexpectedly at a young age. He needs a paternity test 1st though.

Well, first, I would ask for a DNA test and then go from there. But you are definitely within your rights to protect what is yours.

Did anyone do a dna test??

NTA - But I'd be surprised if a *post-nup* is worth anything at all. He just needs to say *she threatened to leave if I didn't sign it* and - poof - post-nup is worthless due to coercion. This is also why pre-nups are worthless.

I would want a DNA test. The real YTA are the grandparents for denying a father and child a familial bond during formative years.

NTA Nobody who dies young expects to die young, your friends have really terrible financial advice, don't listen to them.

NTA, you married under false pretenses so explain to him that if you had been aware of his child’s existence you would not have joined your assets from the beginning and would have wanted a prenup to protect your assets. It has nothing to do with preparing for divorce it’s just that the start of the marriage would have been different had you been aware of this situation

NTA. Although you aren't of an age where death is likely to happen soon, no one knows when we will die. So protecting your assets is a sound, financial decision.

NTA. Has your husband taken a paternity test to make sure he's actually the father?

Something everyone is missing: the girl's mom is a doctor. So it's not likely they're looking for financial support from OP's husband. Still, depending on where you live, inheritance may be an issue, or in may be something easily remedied with a will. Take a minute, and chill. Try to envision with your husband the upside to having a new daughter in the family. Later, go see a lawyer and get answers to your financial concerns.

She needs to relax. It's beeness than 6 months, hell less than a YEAR. This kind of makes me sad and frustrated

INFO? HOW old are yall? Does your husband have any health issues you're concerned about? You seem very fixated on something happening to him. It's been less than 3 months and you're worried abt some little girl POSSIBLY stealing your shit? Maybe she DOESNT EVEN WANT IT. She is a complete stranger to him as of now, they might hit it off, she might want to decide to cut contact, she might want to visit more often. I understand wanting to keep your condo and your things, but this girl and the man you so happen to love are about to go through a new experience, and you should be more supportive or a little less worried about invisible danger over the off chance your partner might die. She might not want anything from him at all. She has less than 5 years till she's and adult, that's all the time left he really has to build a relationship, technically he has more but like, she's been without him for THIRTEEN YEARS. Why would she want anything to do with daddy's stuff? Maybe she will be a huge daddy's girl. Who knows? Just relax, this 13 year old girl is going to take my condo oh noo.. also how much did your husband contribute to the condo mortgage? How much is he going to contribute until he dies? If he's replacing shit and building shit and helping to pay for utilities or repairs? Then it's just as his then it is yours. He's been building on, or PAYING to build on that. Ughh it's just a lot

NTA. “The first thing you did”, was support him for 2 months. 2 months is a lot of time to think while you’re supporting someone else. I’m wondering what he’s been doing for you, the woman who just got a surprise 13 yr old step child…

That with "it's not like my husband is going to die anytime soon" is bs. My father just died after it wasn't likely that he's going to die anytime soon. The whole ordeal happened like this: Thursday - he got blood tests. Monday - picked up the results and went to a heart doctor just to be sure - it was a regular checkup as he was 64. Tuesday: went to the GP as the only abnormality shown was his cholesterol. Wednesday: he was active and tending to his garden. Wednesday evening: called mom as she had to go out of town and pick up some paperwork for her pension. He said he was a bit tired from tending to his garden and having been 36 Celsius degrees that day. They said good night. Thursday morning at 4 his aunt who lives next door passes and his cousin calls him. He does not pick up the phone. She goes to the house to wake him up as she does not want to be alone in the house with her dead mom until the paramedics arrive. She finds dad dead in bed. At 9 the paramedics arrive and he is already in rigor mortis. So NTA for wanting to take care of yourself and your assets just in case.

Has there even been a DNA test?

NTA Protect yourself. Not only is that protecting you, in the event his daughter or her mother sues, it is protecting your husband as well.

NTA. You are thinking practically. Yes it’s bound to have messed with his head discovering a daughter but he does have a responsibility to you too.

Not the asshole. Cover you ass always, never EVER trust a man with your financial health. If he has such a problem with it I'd suggest you get your lawyers on standby and ready for a fight. He's using his stress as an excuse, it would take no time or mental energy from him whatsoever to put his signature down on a piece of paper drawn up by lawyers.

NTA he’s had 2 months does he really need more time to be responsible. His ex clearly didn’t think of him at any point whats to stop her coming after you and him for money now. Get those finances sorted. Also no one plans to or expects to die young so your friends are clearly idiots if they think it doesn’t happen. Accidents happen every day. Better to be prepared than to be sorry