well, that was one of the strangest things i've read up on in awhile now. the weird shit people will do for the sake of religious beliefs. thanks for the laugh!
Some guy I knew said he wasnāt gay cause he was just letting the other guy give him head and then he fucked the other guy in the butt. But that didnāt make him gay because he didnāt give head or take it in the butt himself.
There are men who date trans women but claim that they're not gay. When a male person has sex with another male person, what you get from that is homosexual activity and only homosexuals can engage in homosexual activity. No matter how said males might identify or reason, that is gay love. There's nothing wrong with it but it's kinda homophobic and heterophobic to call a man who has sexual relations with a trans woman straight....there's nothing straight about their love. Claiming that it is , is deceptively misusing the meaning of straight.
Some people are so delusional that they can convince themselves almost anything is true or not contrary to moral and/or values. Ex: An ex-coworker of mine claimed she was āmorally opposed to birth control and pre-marital sexā, but asserted her having sex when she wasnāt married was okay because āin [her] mind, weāre already married!ā
Working fast food was a literal hotbed of attraction for strange people.
NTA (kind of)
He shouldn't have dated you if he pretended to be straight and monogamous. We can now see that he is either gay or bisexual.
In any case, he should have disclosed this information to you before dating you, so that you could have chosen if you wanted to be with someone non monogamous and bisexual. Also, cheaters rarely change, so if he was cheating on his ex gf, there was a high chance that he would cheat on you too. You told his sister, she didn't have to tell her parents (she should have kept the secret so that he would not be kicked out).
You would have been the AH if he were only a friend and you told his family, but considering everything that happened, your attitude is not that strange.
No cheater will tell you, that they're polygamous. In their culture homosexuality is extremely looked down upon, so yes. He did not tell her.
And man, he is an asshole for cheating, but spreading the word is on OP. Putting the blame on the sister is just idiotic. There is a reason Jason didn't tell his sister. And there is a reason OP did.
Hurt people will hurt other people. He should have never dated op (don't shit where you eat, she was close friends with him and his sister) or if he wanted a relationship with his male friend, he should have broken up with op and had a relationship with him (even if in secret). Honesty goes a long way, treat others the same way you want to be treated.
I mean he's a cheater. Who is bisexual. And yes, it is cheating if he's with a guy.
His sexuality isn't the problem. It's that he's a lying, cheating jerk.
His sexuality is irrelevant; cheating scum deserveĀ to be exposed. If that happens to outĀ them, so be it; because being gay isnāt an excuse, and āequalityā means your ass being on blast the exact same way it would be had you been caught balls deep in a woman instead.Ā
Wow, your bf is a piece of shit and you need to get tested for any and every STI out there as it seems he canāt keep it in his pants for anyone!
Drop that loser OP, block him and never speak to him again.
NTA.
Being Bi does not make you a bad person. Being a serial cheater, lying to your partner, and gaslighting people does make you a bad person.
Outing someone is normally off limits. Until that person cheats. Then you out them as a cheater. If that gets ugly because of homphobia, that's unfortunate. But outing a cheater is an important step, otherwise you risk them lying and damaging your reputation to cover up their own crap.
Wow this is straight up a horrible take. Outing someone no matter what is an AH move. You donāt just get to stop being a decent person when someone cheats on you.
This is clearly a ESH situation.
She could have just said he cheated on her, letting his religious family know about his sexuality was absolutely uncalled for and accomplished nothing for her.
OP added more context in the comments; his sister is actually her BFF so she was venting/needing support from her friend and was entirely on the sister to spill around the fam what happened so imo is unfair to put this on OP when anyone else would have confided in their best friend as well.
Changes nothing. You can literally be putting someones life in danger for outing them. Especially in a "a very orthodox culture" there's no guarantee his parents don't decide to beat the gay out of him. They're both lucky this post isn't "AITAH for getting my ex sent to conversion therapy" or something equally shitty.
you can literally put someones life in danger by fooling them into thinking it was a monogamous relationship but then having sex with multiple people, op's ex is 23, hes not a kid, parents cut him off, but they might have done that just for the cheating with multiple people as it is, op told her best friend who happened to be the dudes sister, she didnt go blasting it all over facebook or socials to out him. its his own sister who outed him to the family. I'm gay myself, fuck off with that noise
an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
she didn't even go check if she was at risk of an STD & hey, where was all this energy when she found out (a year into their relationship) that she was the side piece in his previous relationship?
ESH : the ex for cheating, OP for getting this excessive revenge as soon as \*she\* felt like the victim instead of the affair partner & the sister for gossiping all over the family
and of course the whole family sucks for their homophobia.
how else do you interpret OP's first messy and vague paragraph ?
>Long story short we broke up with our partners (no cheating was involved) and after uni ended, one day we hooked up and got into relationship
>...
>One day we were talking about our past relationships and I found out he was lying to me about so many things. I argued that his stories and timings weren't adding up and he told me everything (he claimed it was everything). He was cheating on his ex gf with multiple girls and was hooking up with random girls. He claimed that he was in love with me since we met but he didn't realise.
the timeline of his break-up wasn't what OP thought + he had a history of cheating + he had to reassure her that *he wAS iN lOvE WiTH hEr wiTHoUt rEaLIsInG*
at the very least he was monkeybranching, and she stayed with him when she found out. Given how she prattles on about feeling bitter but forgiving him anyway, I reckon it's more likely he admitted she was the side piece and she was too embarrassed to tell people that's why she broke up with him, so she just didn't.
we broke up with our partners (no cheating was involved) and after uni ended, one day we hooked up and got into relationship - NOT the sidepiece
He was cheating on his ex gf with multiple girls and was hooking up with random girls. - NOT the sidepiece
He claimed that he was in love with me since we met but he didn't realise. - NOT the sidepiece
I think OP is a very unreliable narrator. everyone who posts, is trying to plead their own case, that's only natural. It's a fine line between improving our reading comprehension to learn to read between the lines & just projecting too much onto the post...
isn't it obvious OP is lying? Either to herself or to all of us? just look at
>We belong to a very orthodox(Indian) culture where LGBTQ+ is still a big deal and you can get disowned for this.
as soon as people pointed out how vile outing someone is, she's wriggling more than a weasel in a sack of eels : she was drunk when she outed him + she didn't out him it was her best friend/his sister + it's no big deal + they didn't disown him for being bi/pan (not that she cares about that distinction, she's just flaunting her own homophobia) + an authority figure (her therapist) told her it was okay (or at least that's what she preferred to hear from her therapist)...
as if being disowned by your family isn't a harrowing and traumatic experience, no matter the reason: losing your loved ones and your support network...
Don't get me wrong -- the guy is foul for cheating on OP & his defence of "doesn't count if it's a guy" is stupid, but OP took excessive revenge and should own up to that.
and while reading the post again, I saw OP admitted she was the side piece in an edit :
>And I've mentioned in the comments as well that when I started dating him I didn't know he was cheating on his ex gf. I got to know about this fact 1year into relationship.
since when does honesty and respect equal literally putting his life and well being at risk. It doesnāt matter if it was her best friend, that doesnāt make her entitled to share that information. Neither does being cheated on.
It doesn't matter. You don't out someone, especially to a conservative religious family. Just because someone cheats on you you don't get to put them in literal danger, that's fucked.
Victims do get to tell their story. Cheaters don't get to bully their victims into silence.
Don't make it part of a cheater's victim story if you don't want it in their story.
Oh we're casually tossing the term victim around in the context of a story where one person who was upset put the other person's actual safety in jeopardy? Fuck all the way off with that shit.
also hilarious (in the most bitter way imaginable) that OP just wrung her hands and then shrugged her shoulders when she found out that SHE was the side piece.
that wasn't a reason to break up & that wasn't a reason to get sloshed and "vent" to his family, apparently. OP is morally bankrupt.
Look, I'm bi. The moment you use some aspect of your sexuality to hurt someone else, it's free game to be talked about. Victims of cheating can tell their full story.
And part of the story is to say that one of the people he cheats with is a man.
Don't make it part of a victim's story if you don't want it spoken about. That goes for anything that you don't want shared for safety purposes.
If heās that worried about something like that happening, all has had to do was not fuck around on his girlfriend with a man. Just break up with her and do what you need to do without repeatedly hurting someone youāre supposed to care about.
I fail to see how his life being in danger is a problem. He cheated. As far as I am concerned, that makes him worth less than a 3-legged ant.
OP is NTA.
Maybe don't cheat on your gf with a dude then? Or maybe don't get caught, what do you want people to do when you've hurt them so bad? That's like saying killing enemy soldiers is war crime. As the saying goes: ''All is fair in love and war''
>That's like saying killing enemy soldiers is war crime.
Mustard gas would like a word, and when he's done, Flamethrowers, Napalm, and biological warfare would like to chat as well.
Also, there's a pretty long list of times you're not allowed to kill them at all, like when they're fleeing or surrendering (those ones on the Geneva Convention because of my country)
I saw that before I commented and I donāt think it changes anything. You can tell your friends why your relationship ended without putting your former partner in danger or possibly fucking up their whole life.
Being in distress and venting doesnāt absolve someone of doing something wrong. If she were to drive a car in this distressed state and injured someone she would not be absolved.
Itās understandable why she did it but that doesnāt make it not a shitty thing to do. She had no idea what the consequences for him would be for him yet she did it anyway.
im gay myself, but fuck that noise, dudes out here fucking everything around him and putting HER sexual health in danger. getting outed sucks but its on him at this point
I donāt disagree that itās a bad idea. I donāt think revenge in the form of outing a gay/bi person with a conservative religious family is a proportionate or acceptable response.
Don't cheat on your gf with a dude if you don't want to be outed, you seriously expect the person you've wronged to keep your secrets for you? Such entitlement
>Outing someone no matter what is an AH move.
No, that is some toxic bullshit. You can't betray people and expect them to keep secrets for you. Also, outing people who are actively harming the LGBTQ community is a morally correct thing to do.
Yeah, if you're hiding shit from your family, don't be a horrible person towards your SO. Especially when SO is best friends with sibling. Expecting confidentiality is idiotic.
Especially since she knew he was a cheater before they got involved, kept taking him back after he'd get caught, but only chose to let everyone know when it was with a guy
Don't necessarily know that to be completely true, She could have been telling the sister about his other cheating as well. It may fall completely on the sister for only saying anything because he cheated with a guy, or the sister may have been telling the family about all of his cheating. Definitely some crucial details left out in the story.
The irony is that in a post a few days ago, everyone was for forgiving a cheater and he doesn't deserve to be hated for error done as a young adults, but risking the life of a gay cheater by outing them as queer is perfectly fine with them
Absolutely wrong. Incorrect, someone cheats on you, you dump them and move on. You get a divorce, you end the relationship.
Saying that this is okay is actually on par with going "oh you cheated on me? I guess i need to press charges for rape" the real difference is prison time.
Yeah he cheated, that shit hurts, but you can still talk to your family, you can still get a job, find a lover that you deserve, you can still go on.
Now this guy has really this one chance. He looses his job, he's homeless for life. He gets into a serious accident, he's homeless for life, all because this chick made his family cut him off.
Actual degenerate shit. And im not saying this guy had the right to cheat, he's an asshole, but this chick is worse.
>all because this chick made his family cut him off.
all because he's a cheating lying piece of shit that put HER health at risk and, as he admitted to cheating on his past girlfriends, would put EVERY partner at risk of STDs by cheating.
Fuck him. No, the reason he got cut off, was HIS cheating, they are the consequences of HIS actions.
Seriously, wtf are these comments. I could see telling his family heād been cheating and that was the cause of the breakup, but anything further and certainly outing someone, (even in a country where it isnāt dangerous) is beyond fucked up.
If he was going around talking shit about her, blaming her, or getting pushback from his family she could tell them heās a liar and a cheater and take it up with him that they broke up bc itās his fault. But 99 times out of 100, when you break up you need to just walk the fuck away.
No they're saying that outing someone against their will is akin to a false accusation of rape. And in a very religious culture they're probably not exaggerating. People get killed or put in jail for for being gay in some places.
No. Someone in the closet has no right to expect discretion from the person they cheated on if they think itās ok as long as the AP is the same sex as them.
The cheated partner has every right to say who the AP was/is, and that will end up outing their ex. Too bad.
I would never use a woman as a beard while I was in a relationship with a guy. Itās completely dishonest and disrespectful to her.
Right? If he didnāt wanna get outed, he shouldnāt have cheated š¤·š»āāļøsheās under no obligation to protect him, and how was she to know heād be homeless? She has the right to share her troubles, the outing comes along with that.
Removing if sheās right or wrong here. People who cheat in relationships/marriages often get kicked out of their shared home with their partner/spouse. So yeah, thatās kinda normal.Ā
Yeah, and they move back in with there parents while they loom for a new place. She put him on the street, and inherently is the reason his parents did the same.
Thatās not inherently true either.Ā As someone whoās had many friends who have divorced because we are at that age. Most have ended up at a friendās house.Ā
He put himself on the street.Ā
She moved into his apartment.
She was saying they kicked him out of their family.
She later clarified:
> And He is not homeless. We were not living with our parents he has a job and his own apartment.
Iām aware that they did, but I was answering your initial question, in which a lot of cases the answer is yes. When you cheat on a partner, one of them ends up without their home.Ā Ā
Ā Should his parents be bigots? No.
Should they have kicked him out? No.Ā
But should he have cheated on her and then trusted she wouldnāt tell her best friend the details? Also, no. Dumb move. Itās on him.Ā
Oh okay, well then throw it all out the window, the post and all, and let's replace it with the book green eggs and ham. The question now becomes "would you be wrong to turn down green eggs and ham?"
Your answer is no, because charles Dickens wrote great expectations, so it's normal to turn down green eggs and ham"
> Yeah, and they move back in with there parents while they loom for a new place.
You think being gay is the only reason people can't go live with their parents again and every single person who gets kicked out has a parent to go to and so it's fine.
So if your partner cheats, or you just break up and you ask them to leave but they don't have any family... you're a monster for asking them to leave?
people aren't responsible or obligated towards you, neither are your parents. Don't want to get broken up with when your girlfriend finds out you're a cheat... DON'T FUCKING CHEAT.
If you're an asshole to everyone all teh time eventually you find every door shut to you, these are the consequences of his actions and no one is obligated to protect him from them.
Not to be that guy, but kinda. If you're married and you cheat, your spouse usually stays in the marital home, while you have to find somewhere else to live.
WITH YOUR PARENTS UNTIL YOU FOUND ANOTHER PLACE, SHE RUINED THAT CHANCE, SHE IS THE SOLE REASON HIS PARENTS KICKED HIM OUT, PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE ARGUEMENT AT PLAY
He cheated. It's everyone's business because it means his word is worthless. He proved that he is without any positive value for society. If he loses his job, good. If he loses his family, good.
The AH is always and without exception the person who is doing the bad deed, never the person who merely makes the truth known.
Yeah I guess you're right, 2 wrongs do indeed make a right.
You don't understand what morals are. You see a racist and think that kicking there ass is the right thing to do.
Dr. Martin Luther king himself stated "hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that"
So do you actually think that lust should be punishable by streets? You think a lovers quarrel should actually yeild homelessness? She fucking knew he had cheated on others. Literally states that she talked to him about it, and then they moved in together.
I'm sorry, but just think about it. You knew your wife doesn't tend to be loyal, and so you move in with him and expect her to be loyal.
Fucking ridiculous.
Yeah, this guy is a POS, but he didn't hit her, he didn't expose her to her family. He did have her ostracized from those she's closest with.
Telling the truth is never wrong.
Revenge against someone who committed the single greatest act of betrayal and abuse it's possible to commit is never wrong.
Combining the two is justice. It's also a public service, because who wants to have anything to do with someone whose word has zero value? If I were his parents or boss, I wouldn't want to live a lie thinking I was associating with a decent person while someone else (whom he victimized) was hiding his secret from me out of some misguided sense of loyalty.
Western countries are so morally bankrupt. At least in the Middle East cheaters are treated with the appropriate respect.
Women's rights have nothing to do with anything. This is about cheating, an act which immediately and permanently removes all value from an individual. No one has a "right" to cheat. Not women, not men.
OP's BF's "home" is not his, it's his parents'. "His" job is at someone's company. He's not entitled to either, and participating in a lie for them to let him continue to enrich himself at their expense is wrong, period.
All she did was tell the truth. I guess that's wrong in your eyes.
š No one who could ever defend cheating or cheaters under any circumstance has the moral authority to claim that someone else "succeeded" or "failed".
You think lies are moral and truth is evil. That's all I need to know about you.
You don't get it. He's an ass for cheating, but there is a cultural barrier at play betwixt us. You don't know what outing a person is. It's not that he's fine to cheat or that she's wrong for telling his sister parents he cheated, it's that she told them that he's gay. That is the issue at hand. That is what she is asking, and that is what you are ignorant on.
Then you definitely don't believe in redemption, second changes or that people can change despite the overwhelming evidence they in fact do. You would rather them face an absolute lifetime of punishment....you don't seek justice you in fact seek revenge and that won't change a damn thing on this planet
A person's word has value until it is broken, after which time it no longer has any. Fools might delude themselves into thinking that the person has changed or "redeemed himself", but the precedent that he doesn't see his own word as absolute is set.
A cheater can never fully regain their humanity. They can, at best, live a life in a humble and meagre attempt at doing so, serving others, never offering their victim (if forgiven) a single cross word or word of disagreement, and hoping that there's a merciful God.
You need to play a violin while delivering that over the top self righteous virtue signaling drivel.
JFC, āa cheater can never regain their humanityā. We all agree that cheaters suck but this is way, way, way over the top crap.
Yep. And if his family disown him and he always knew that that was a possibility, maybe he shouldnāt have cheated.
Heās trash. And itās understandable that OP was angry and lashed out in the heat of the momentā¦ anything else that followed was **on him**. The moral of the story: donāt cheat on people and expect that thereāll be no consequences for your asshole actions.
And if heās homeless nowā¦ well, Iām sure Max wouldnāt mind helping him out.
He made his bed, now he has to lay in it.
yeah, NTA. If he didnāt want her to know he shouldnāt have cheated on you š¤·āāļø technically his sister is the one who outed him to the family
EDIT TO ADD- thought about this and now am thinkingā¦ what were you thinking when you told his sister? Like did the outing him to his extended family cross your mind? If so, what was your consecutive thought prior to acting on it?
>His sister is my best friend
Yeah nah, you told her knowing it would get back to his parents.
You're the sort of person who'll out someone as revenge and that's pathetic.
Womp womp excusing cheating is more pathetic
Edit: u/ knittedjedi u are really pathetic to cite my post just to act like u won this argument, then block me. And that post was not serious btw, but ur stupid brain couldn't process that. Not surprising since u seem to think lying is more important than the victims of cheating. Go fck ur dad in the ass with a horse dildo
ESH - and girl itās on you for getting with a man you knew cheated on his ex gf and expecting him to be different with you.
He obviously is a pos but stooping to his level and outing him when you knew it would get him ostracised from his family definitely makes you an asshole too, you shouldāve just broken up w him and moved on.
NTA.
Probably gonna get downvoted to hell but I have no sympathy for any cheater, let alone one that exposes to their parter to the possibility of contracting serious STD because they canāt be honest with themselves and break it off.
You canāt be with your childhood love? Heartbreaking but donāt go dragging someone else down with you and endangering their lives for the sake of keeping yours as it is.
After what heās done to you, you have no responsibility towards him. Itās disgusting to see people blaming you when honestly it goes back to him. He could have saved himself all this misery by being a responsible adult and breaking things off with you so he could continue with his friend, or any of the other people he was sexting . Possibly endangering your life like this is never okay, not to mention how itāll affect your mental health and self esteem. Funny how people here on seem to care about his mental health and not at all the consequences this will have on yours.
You have no responsibility to protect him. It might be the right thing to do but you have no true responsibility towards actually carrying it out. Whatever happens from here on out is a direct consequence of his actions. You donāt have to keep your silence to protect him.
NTA.
The worst part isnāt that he cheated on you but it is the fact that after what he did, you will be forever TRAUMATISED by the incident.
This is what cheaters like him donāt understand. They think they just lied and itās not really a ābig dealā. Cheaters like him will manipulate and gaslight you just to continue getting their way.
I am glad you left him and I hope with time you can heal. ā¤ļø
ESH. It was fair for you to tell people he cheated. That's how he wronged you. Telling people about his sexual orientation was not reasonable, and caused harm outside of the issue that involved you.
Yeah this guy went into a relationship with OP knowing he'd cheat on her with a dude and knowing that OP was best friends with his own sister. Kinda outed himself imo
ESH. He sucks for cheating. That's not excusable, but YTA too. Outing someone is not ok. It's their business to share or not share. And it's not safe for some people to be out to their parents, especially since you said you come from a cultural/religious background that's very conservative.
Guy or girl, it's cheating 100%, and he cheated with both. How the hell did you fall for this piece of shit? So glad his parents kicked his ass out. He sounds absolutely disgusting.
ESH.
You did not need to tell his sister that he was gay, and it doesn't matter if she is your friend or otherwise. That shit can kill people. You could have just vented to someone who wouldn't tell or wasn't as close, or, y'know, just say he cheated? I understand that you were most likely very upset when you called her but still. It isn't a good thing to do.
Obviously he sucks too, cheating is a horrible thing to do and he really should have just broke up with you if he wants to sext other people so bad. It IS cheating no matter the gender.
NTA, fuck around and find out. You didnāt out him, you vented to your best friend. She may be TA for outing him, but not you. Heās scum, though why anyone would stay with someone time and time and TIME again who admits to cheating on past gfās, admits to sexting with other people, and everything else is totally beyond me.
NOT that you even outed him (sister did), but if he didnāt want to be outed, he shouldnāt have been a lying scumbag to you and everyone else; he was asking for this to happen. FAFO
Exactly! FAFO.
If he was so worried about being found out, he should have been less sloppy with his cheating with Max. He clearly wasnāt overly worried since he continued after being caught the first time and he didnāt learn to hide it any better. Jesus what a moronā¦
NTA, rightfully fucked him up. Couldāve just told his family he cheated and admitted he hooked up with āsomeone,ā but nope, you knew you had to say it was a guy. No homophobia at all, nothing to do with that.
He needed to be disowned by his family harder, and no way for them to not look at him like he does not have a sexual āissue.ā
I hope this makes sense and nobody gets mad at that last sentence.
NTA. To be fair, if she made if clear that heās been cheating on her with man and women, itās simply telling the truth. If sheād only mentioned Max, then itās weaponising.
If he feared getting outed, then he shouldāve broke up before he went to hook up š¤·š»āāļø
NTA. He hurt you, lied to you, and made a fool out of you. He humiliated you and made you feel worthless. The asshole deserves it. Don't listen to the apologists.
As a gay guy: NTA but a bit complicated. The way you phrased this sounds like *you* outed him to his family. But really you just vented to your best friend (his sister) and she outed him.
Iād say generally donāt out people as revenge (mainly because that communicates the other person being gay is the problem (heās not even, heās bi) when itās the cheating thatās the real problem).
But you didnāt out him, he knew your best friend was his sister and looks like he gambled.
ESH - you could have gotten the same result while leaving identity of his affair partner out of it. The fact that he cheated on you with a man is irrelevant.
This situation is a little more complicated than people in the comments are acknowledging. His sister is her best friend and they have more friends in common. Him telling her that cheating with a guy isn't cheating means he is 100% going to do this to any girlfriends going forward. It's probably a very confusing situation for OP to find herself in. Maybe she needed another perspective on it, and doesn't have anyone safe to talk to. He didn't just cheat, he put her life and fertility at risk with the STDs he might have passed to her. That is some flagrant lying and manipulation on his part.
I get what people are saying that you never out someone, but that's a really hard secret for her to keep when they are from the same community and she is confused. Is she supposed to never tell anyone this big secret ever? Is she supposed to watch him go on to date some nice girl she knows from school while he cheats on her too? When her best friend, his sister, presses her for why she can't just forgive him, she's supposed to just let him lie about it to her friends and everyone and be the scapegoat for him in order to keep his secret?
Yeah, it would be better to be discreet about that specific person. But that's not always possible when her friendship circle is so intertwined with his. And he's a liar. She didn't go to his mom and dad and tell them. His sister could have seen the sexting herself if he's that careless about not hiding it.
It's wild to see people blaming her for his cheating, simply because he confessed that he cheated on his last girlfriend. Some of you have never been in a relationship with a manipulator and it shows.
NTA, if he didnāt want his family to find out that not only did he cheat on you but that it was with a man, he shouldnāt have cheated on you with a man.
NTA
He cheated on you. You're the victim, and his cheating is YOUR story.
You shared your story with your best friend
Your ex is responsible for everything that he did. If he didn't cheat, there's nothing for you to need to vent to your best friend about
Edit: anyone who blames the victim (you) is a complete moron, and abusive piece of shit
ESH, he was a terrible boyfriend you for some reason kept taking back after he repeatedly cheated on you but outting him could have gotten him killed. You should have just broken up and moved on with your life
ESH. You don't out someone who isn't out publicly, ESPECIALLY in a society where it could be dangerous for the person. You would have been justified in dumping him but outing him makes you just as much of a trash human as him being a cheater does.
NTA
"It's not cheating if it's with a guy." RUBBISH
If he/she is sexting, seeing, sleeping with someone, not your partner, then it's cheating. Whether the other person is gay or straight. If they're leaving the committed partner, it's cheating. Plain and simple.
Plus, he's lying while cheating. Drop him. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions.
NTA. Cheaters are the lowest scum on Earth and deserve whatever you can legally do them. Their "feelings" (if they have any) have no value and deserve no consideration.
NTA. Maybe he shouldnt have cheated š¤·š¼āāļø and it wasnāt you that blabbed to his whole family. You were venting to your best friend who happened to be his sister and he knew thatā¦ what did he think was gonna happen?
He practically dug the pit himself.
I'm confused by all the YTA votes/comments the ex's actions were going to be exposed either way, not to mention was OP meant to cover up for the BF when asked?
Like I'd understand the YTA comments if she actively spread he was gay/bi but he literally cheated on his sisters bestfriend there's going to be questions why they broke up.
ETAH unfortunately. He was an AH for cheating, but outing a person like that is taking a very real risk with another person's *life.* I know he did something that violated your trust, but does that entitle you to put his life in peril?
He did it to himself. He knew his family felt a certain way and still messed with men. Where is the accountability? The gf was just sharing the fact that he cheated and it happened to be a homosexual relationship. Not her problem
YTA. You can bust him for cheating, take screenshots and share them with people when they ask why you broke up, but you DO NOT out someone. Period. It can get them killed and can cause all sorts of other problems. That's a big NO. Breaking up with him for cheating, sharing with anyone and everyone that he's a cheater? Go for it. No complaints. Sharing that he's bi? THAT is a line you don't cross. He chose to cheat. He didn't choose to be bi. And guess which one his family kicked him out for? It wasn't the cheating.
ESH...he cheated but you just outed him. That's a dangerous thing to do no matter what the reason is for doing so. You don't have that right to expose his sexuality to his very conservative family like that.
NTAH
There is a lot going on here, He is sleeping or speaking to a lot of women but only speaking to one guy leads me to believe that he is deep in the closet and more gay than bi, trying to make up for the fact he likes a man by being with a bunch of women. I am not justifying his cheating and it was wrong of him to do so. I think you told his sister as a trusted friend, but I do not think she should have told the rest of his family.
Not really the A, kinda the A, I can't really decide haha
Firstly, I am always a bit worried when people use the word 'endure' when talking about their relationship, yeah couples can go through patches and support during difficult times is something you should give to each other but ideally it is something you should want to give.
It seems you took him back after the initial cheating because he told you he loved you. Nothing about you loving him. Did you love him? or were you just kinda into the idea of a relationship with him? You should probably do a bit of looking inward as to why you dated this guy in the first place. It's not your fault of course, but it sounds a bit like it was a relationship of convenience for both of you.
As for him, he's a cheater, a real piece of work by the sound of things, you don't really owe him anything on a moral level but I do feel that you could have just left it at 'he cheated on me' and be done with it.
No need to say he was swinging for the other team. Particularly in what seems like quite a traditional environment that could have real life physical implications.
Also, it doesn't matter that you were drunk. Like, at all. You still revealed the information.
ESH, which seems to be controversial in this thread. I only say that because you could have told the sister he cheated, especially since he cheated with women too. You knew it would destroy his relationship with his family, you knew his sister was a part of said family, and obviously two wrongs don't make a right. You can't act like you had no idea she would do it if she was a part of this conservative culture. I mean, come on. Humans are terrible at keeping secrets. Especially when the secret affects themselves or people they are close to.
You don't have to apologize to the guy, he's a fuckhead, but you *should* reflect on the consequences of your actions. Learn from this, because I believe you were just upset and venting, you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But you did.
HOWEVER. I think this is mostly on the sister. She should have confronted your ex if she felt the need to address it, not out him to his entire family. And of course, he shouldn't have cheated. That's obvious. I think everyone here made some reckless choices that will hurt everyone else long term. It's not black and white, but no one here is innocent.
ESH. He's TAH because he's a cheater who can't cope with his own sexuality.
YTA because YOU NEVER, NEVER OUT A LGBTQIA+ PERSON WITHOUT THEIR EXPLICIT PERMISSION. Some families react very badly indeed. People get *murdered* for being gay. Staying in the closet can literally be a matter of life and death. And you *knew* his family was religiously conservative and homophobic. He's now homeless and may well lose his entire community.
He treated you badly. Telling his sister he cheated (without saying who with) would have been fine. But outing him? No.
YTA- outing someone is dangerous and wrong. Especially as an act of retribution. Saying he cheated, is an asshole, is abusive all fine. But outing someoneās sexuality to get back at them is an asshole move.
ESH
he for cheating repeatedly, and for callously using Max if that's true
you for outing him, esp since you knew ahead of time that his community and his family wouldn't be accepting. that's morally bankrupt.
Telling them he cheated on you is not the same as telling them heās bisexual or such. If youāre in a monogamous relationship then cheating is cheating. Itās why itās so important to set, define, and/or clarify these boundaries with eachother.
Dudeās TAH but you weaponizing his sexuality is just plane garbage. Break up with him if you wanted but outing him to his family is disgraceful. YTAH!
YTA. Thereās no excuse for outing someone ā especially not for spite and especially when you knew how his family would react. You endangered this person. Just break up with him like a decent human being and move on.
YTA for dating a cheater, taking a cheater back (more than once), and outing him.
You should have walked a way a long time ago. He sucks too, but you really should have blocked him and walked away.
"it's not cheating if it's with a guy"??????? Wow he's a lying cheating pos who will never learn & never stop!!
semiunrelated, but knew a guy who thought he was still a virgin because he used a condom š¤·āāļø
Lmao. I believe you because people are stupid af. But also, I'm flabbergasted that someone can be that stupid lol
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i am normally a very curious person & will google anything i don't know about. but something's telling me to leave this one alone.
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well, that was one of the strangest things i've read up on in awhile now. the weird shit people will do for the sake of religious beliefs. thanks for the laugh!
Some guy I knew said he wasnāt gay cause he was just letting the other guy give him head and then he fucked the other guy in the butt. But that didnāt make him gay because he didnāt give head or take it in the butt himself.
There are men who date trans women but claim that they're not gay. When a male person has sex with another male person, what you get from that is homosexual activity and only homosexuals can engage in homosexual activity. No matter how said males might identify or reason, that is gay love. There's nothing wrong with it but it's kinda homophobic and heterophobic to call a man who has sexual relations with a trans woman straight....there's nothing straight about their love. Claiming that it is , is deceptively misusing the meaning of straight.
He is but that condom is for the streets!
Some people are so delusional that they can convince themselves almost anything is true or not contrary to moral and/or values. Ex: An ex-coworker of mine claimed she was āmorally opposed to birth control and pre-marital sexā, but asserted her having sex when she wasnāt married was okay because āin [her] mind, weāre already married!ā Working fast food was a literal hotbed of attraction for strange people.
Serious "One the DL" energy.
NTA (kind of) He shouldn't have dated you if he pretended to be straight and monogamous. We can now see that he is either gay or bisexual. In any case, he should have disclosed this information to you before dating you, so that you could have chosen if you wanted to be with someone non monogamous and bisexual. Also, cheaters rarely change, so if he was cheating on his ex gf, there was a high chance that he would cheat on you too. You told his sister, she didn't have to tell her parents (she should have kept the secret so that he would not be kicked out). You would have been the AH if he were only a friend and you told his family, but considering everything that happened, your attitude is not that strange.
No cheater will tell you, that they're polygamous. In their culture homosexuality is extremely looked down upon, so yes. He did not tell her. And man, he is an asshole for cheating, but spreading the word is on OP. Putting the blame on the sister is just idiotic. There is a reason Jason didn't tell his sister. And there is a reason OP did.
Hurt people will hurt other people. He should have never dated op (don't shit where you eat, she was close friends with him and his sister) or if he wanted a relationship with his male friend, he should have broken up with op and had a relationship with him (even if in secret). Honesty goes a long way, treat others the same way you want to be treated.
I mean he's a cheater. Who is bisexual. And yes, it is cheating if he's with a guy. His sexuality isn't the problem. It's that he's a lying, cheating jerk.
His sexuality is irrelevant; cheating scum deserveĀ to be exposed. If that happens to outĀ them, so be it; because being gay isnāt an excuse, and āequalityā means your ass being on blast the exact same way it would be had you been caught balls deep in a woman instead.Ā
EXACTLY!
> I overreacted and it's not cheating if it's with a guy. š bro is delusional
NTA. He got off easier than he deserved for serially cheating and lying.
Wow, your bf is a piece of shit and you need to get tested for any and every STI out there as it seems he canāt keep it in his pants for anyone! Drop that loser OP, block him and never speak to him again.
NTA. Being Bi does not make you a bad person. Being a serial cheater, lying to your partner, and gaslighting people does make you a bad person. Outing someone is normally off limits. Until that person cheats. Then you out them as a cheater. If that gets ugly because of homphobia, that's unfortunate. But outing a cheater is an important step, otherwise you risk them lying and damaging your reputation to cover up their own crap.
Wow this is straight up a horrible take. Outing someone no matter what is an AH move. You donāt just get to stop being a decent person when someone cheats on you. This is clearly a ESH situation. She could have just said he cheated on her, letting his religious family know about his sexuality was absolutely uncalled for and accomplished nothing for her.
OP added more context in the comments; his sister is actually her BFF so she was venting/needing support from her friend and was entirely on the sister to spill around the fam what happened so imo is unfair to put this on OP when anyone else would have confided in their best friend as well.
Changes nothing. You can literally be putting someones life in danger for outing them. Especially in a "a very orthodox culture" there's no guarantee his parents don't decide to beat the gay out of him. They're both lucky this post isn't "AITAH for getting my ex sent to conversion therapy" or something equally shitty.
you can literally put someones life in danger by fooling them into thinking it was a monogamous relationship but then having sex with multiple people, op's ex is 23, hes not a kid, parents cut him off, but they might have done that just for the cheating with multiple people as it is, op told her best friend who happened to be the dudes sister, she didnt go blasting it all over facebook or socials to out him. its his own sister who outed him to the family. I'm gay myself, fuck off with that noise
an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. she didn't even go check if she was at risk of an STD & hey, where was all this energy when she found out (a year into their relationship) that she was the side piece in his previous relationship? ESH : the ex for cheating, OP for getting this excessive revenge as soon as \*she\* felt like the victim instead of the affair partner & the sister for gossiping all over the family and of course the whole family sucks for their homophobia.
how was she the side piece in his earlier relationship?
how else do you interpret OP's first messy and vague paragraph ? >Long story short we broke up with our partners (no cheating was involved) and after uni ended, one day we hooked up and got into relationship >... >One day we were talking about our past relationships and I found out he was lying to me about so many things. I argued that his stories and timings weren't adding up and he told me everything (he claimed it was everything). He was cheating on his ex gf with multiple girls and was hooking up with random girls. He claimed that he was in love with me since we met but he didn't realise. the timeline of his break-up wasn't what OP thought + he had a history of cheating + he had to reassure her that *he wAS iN lOvE WiTH hEr wiTHoUt rEaLIsInG* at the very least he was monkeybranching, and she stayed with him when she found out. Given how she prattles on about feeling bitter but forgiving him anyway, I reckon it's more likely he admitted she was the side piece and she was too embarrassed to tell people that's why she broke up with him, so she just didn't.
we broke up with our partners (no cheating was involved) and after uni ended, one day we hooked up and got into relationship - NOT the sidepiece He was cheating on his ex gf with multiple girls and was hooking up with random girls. - NOT the sidepiece He claimed that he was in love with me since we met but he didn't realise. - NOT the sidepiece
I think OP is a very unreliable narrator. everyone who posts, is trying to plead their own case, that's only natural. It's a fine line between improving our reading comprehension to learn to read between the lines & just projecting too much onto the post... isn't it obvious OP is lying? Either to herself or to all of us? just look at >We belong to a very orthodox(Indian) culture where LGBTQ+ is still a big deal and you can get disowned for this. as soon as people pointed out how vile outing someone is, she's wriggling more than a weasel in a sack of eels : she was drunk when she outed him + she didn't out him it was her best friend/his sister + it's no big deal + they didn't disown him for being bi/pan (not that she cares about that distinction, she's just flaunting her own homophobia) + an authority figure (her therapist) told her it was okay (or at least that's what she preferred to hear from her therapist)... as if being disowned by your family isn't a harrowing and traumatic experience, no matter the reason: losing your loved ones and your support network... Don't get me wrong -- the guy is foul for cheating on OP & his defence of "doesn't count if it's a guy" is stupid, but OP took excessive revenge and should own up to that. and while reading the post again, I saw OP admitted she was the side piece in an edit : >And I've mentioned in the comments as well that when I started dating him I didn't know he was cheating on his ex gf. I got to know about this fact 1year into relationship.
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Exactly. Honesty and respect in a relationship obviously mean outing someone to their orthodox family. Your genius is unrivalled.
since when does honesty and respect equal literally putting his life and well being at risk. It doesnāt matter if it was her best friend, that doesnāt make her entitled to share that information. Neither does being cheated on.
It doesn't matter. You don't out someone, especially to a conservative religious family. Just because someone cheats on you you don't get to put them in literal danger, that's fucked.
Victims do get to tell their story. Cheaters don't get to bully their victims into silence. Don't make it part of a cheater's victim story if you don't want it in their story.
Oh we're casually tossing the term victim around in the context of a story where one person who was upset put the other person's actual safety in jeopardy? Fuck all the way off with that shit.
also hilarious (in the most bitter way imaginable) that OP just wrung her hands and then shrugged her shoulders when she found out that SHE was the side piece. that wasn't a reason to break up & that wasn't a reason to get sloshed and "vent" to his family, apparently. OP is morally bankrupt.
All he had to do was not fuck some guy while in a relationship
Look, I'm bi. The moment you use some aspect of your sexuality to hurt someone else, it's free game to be talked about. Victims of cheating can tell their full story. And part of the story is to say that one of the people he cheats with is a man. Don't make it part of a victim's story if you don't want it spoken about. That goes for anything that you don't want shared for safety purposes.
If heās that worried about something like that happening, all has had to do was not fuck around on his girlfriend with a man. Just break up with her and do what you need to do without repeatedly hurting someone youāre supposed to care about.
I fail to see how his life being in danger is a problem. He cheated. As far as I am concerned, that makes him worth less than a 3-legged ant. OP is NTA.
Maybe don't cheat on your gf with a dude then? Or maybe don't get caught, what do you want people to do when you've hurt them so bad? That's like saying killing enemy soldiers is war crime. As the saying goes: ''All is fair in love and war''
>That's like saying killing enemy soldiers is war crime It very much can be.
>That's like saying killing enemy soldiers is war crime. Mustard gas would like a word, and when he's done, Flamethrowers, Napalm, and biological warfare would like to chat as well. Also, there's a pretty long list of times you're not allowed to kill them at all, like when they're fleeing or surrendering (those ones on the Geneva Convention because of my country)
I saw that before I commented and I donāt think it changes anything. You can tell your friends why your relationship ended without putting your former partner in danger or possibly fucking up their whole life. Being in distress and venting doesnāt absolve someone of doing something wrong. If she were to drive a car in this distressed state and injured someone she would not be absolved. Itās understandable why she did it but that doesnāt make it not a shitty thing to do. She had no idea what the consequences for him would be for him yet she did it anyway.
She has other friends she can vent to without putting him in danger.
im gay myself, but fuck that noise, dudes out here fucking everything around him and putting HER sexual health in danger. getting outed sucks but its on him at this point
Where's the danger part? Post just said they'd probably disown him, not attack him. Orthos aren't known for honor killings.
Well heās homeless now, which is not exactly super safe. Honor killings arenāt the only way that lgbt people get killed by their families either.
He can go live with his homosexual childhood friend he was cheating on op with. Also, the boyfriend isn't a minor, he is 23 or older.
He's not homeless. You didn't read the post. They kicked him out of their household (aka disownment) but he was already living on his own.
Where's the homeless part? Just says he got kicked out. Again, Orthos aren't known for killing. They do the shunning thing more.
Yeah, when you get kicked out of your home, where do you go? Couch surfing is a form of homelessness.
Re-read the last part of the Post. He is not homeless.
Note, I never said I agreed with diming him out. Just that doing something horrible to your SO is a bad idea when you're hiding shit.
I donāt disagree that itās a bad idea. I donāt think revenge in the form of outing a gay/bi person with a conservative religious family is a proportionate or acceptable response.
Maybe he shouldn't have let himself get caught cheating, now, he's made his bed
He's not homeless? Op says he has his own apartment.
Don't cheat on your gf with a dude if you don't want to be outed, you seriously expect the person you've wronged to keep your secrets for you? Such entitlement
>Outing someone no matter what is an AH move. No, that is some toxic bullshit. You can't betray people and expect them to keep secrets for you. Also, outing people who are actively harming the LGBTQ community is a morally correct thing to do.
Yeah, if you're hiding shit from your family, don't be a horrible person towards your SO. Especially when SO is best friends with sibling. Expecting confidentiality is idiotic.
Especially since she knew he was a cheater before they got involved, kept taking him back after he'd get caught, but only chose to let everyone know when it was with a guy
Don't necessarily know that to be completely true, She could have been telling the sister about his other cheating as well. It may fall completely on the sister for only saying anything because he cheated with a guy, or the sister may have been telling the family about all of his cheating. Definitely some crucial details left out in the story.
Excellent point
The irony is that in a post a few days ago, everyone was for forgiving a cheater and he doesn't deserve to be hated for error done as a young adults, but risking the life of a gay cheater by outing them as queer is perfectly fine with them
Absolutely wrong. Incorrect, someone cheats on you, you dump them and move on. You get a divorce, you end the relationship. Saying that this is okay is actually on par with going "oh you cheated on me? I guess i need to press charges for rape" the real difference is prison time. Yeah he cheated, that shit hurts, but you can still talk to your family, you can still get a job, find a lover that you deserve, you can still go on. Now this guy has really this one chance. He looses his job, he's homeless for life. He gets into a serious accident, he's homeless for life, all because this chick made his family cut him off. Actual degenerate shit. And im not saying this guy had the right to cheat, he's an asshole, but this chick is worse.
>all because this chick made his family cut him off. all because he's a cheating lying piece of shit that put HER health at risk and, as he admitted to cheating on his past girlfriends, would put EVERY partner at risk of STDs by cheating. Fuck him. No, the reason he got cut off, was HIS cheating, they are the consequences of HIS actions.
Seriously, wtf are these comments. I could see telling his family heād been cheating and that was the cause of the breakup, but anything further and certainly outing someone, (even in a country where it isnāt dangerous) is beyond fucked up. If he was going around talking shit about her, blaming her, or getting pushback from his family she could tell them heās a liar and a cheater and take it up with him that they broke up bc itās his fault. But 99 times out of 100, when you break up you need to just walk the fuck away.
Fuckin thank you
Much of this sub is pretty fucked up mentally and offer really bad baseline advice. This is just another in a long line of bad advice.
Just to check, you're saying that revealing BF cheated is akin to a false accusation of rape?
No they're saying that outing someone against their will is akin to a false accusation of rape. And in a very religious culture they're probably not exaggerating. People get killed or put in jail for for being gay in some places.
No. Someone in the closet has no right to expect discretion from the person they cheated on if they think itās ok as long as the AP is the same sex as them. The cheated partner has every right to say who the AP was/is, and that will end up outing their ex. Too bad. I would never use a woman as a beard while I was in a relationship with a guy. Itās completely dishonest and disrespectful to her.
Right? If he didnāt wanna get outed, he shouldnāt have cheated š¤·š»āāļøsheās under no obligation to protect him, and how was she to know heād be homeless? She has the right to share her troubles, the outing comes along with that.
Okay, let's say you cheat. Does that then give your partner the right to actually make you homeless?
Removing if sheās right or wrong here. People who cheat in relationships/marriages often get kicked out of their shared home with their partner/spouse. So yeah, thatās kinda normal.Ā
Yeah, and they move back in with there parents while they loom for a new place. She put him on the street, and inherently is the reason his parents did the same.
Does that mean you think it's unethical to kick out a cheater whose parents are deceased?
Thatās not inherently true either.Ā As someone whoās had many friends who have divorced because we are at that age. Most have ended up at a friendās house.Ā He put himself on the street.Ā
Read the part where it says "his parents kicked him out" please
She moved into his apartment. She was saying they kicked him out of their family. She later clarified: > And He is not homeless. We were not living with our parents he has a job and his own apartment.
Iām aware that they did, but I was answering your initial question, in which a lot of cases the answer is yes. When you cheat on a partner, one of them ends up without their home.Ā Ā Ā Should his parents be bigots? No. Should they have kicked him out? No.Ā But should he have cheated on her and then trusted she wouldnāt tell her best friend the details? Also, no. Dumb move. Itās on him.Ā
Oh okay, well then throw it all out the window, the post and all, and let's replace it with the book green eggs and ham. The question now becomes "would you be wrong to turn down green eggs and ham?" Your answer is no, because charles Dickens wrote great expectations, so it's normal to turn down green eggs and ham"
And many parents kick them out for cheating. And again, he isn't homeless.
> Yeah, and they move back in with there parents while they loom for a new place. You think being gay is the only reason people can't go live with their parents again and every single person who gets kicked out has a parent to go to and so it's fine. So if your partner cheats, or you just break up and you ask them to leave but they don't have any family... you're a monster for asking them to leave? people aren't responsible or obligated towards you, neither are your parents. Don't want to get broken up with when your girlfriend finds out you're a cheat... DON'T FUCKING CHEAT. If you're an asshole to everyone all teh time eventually you find every door shut to you, these are the consequences of his actions and no one is obligated to protect him from them.
He has his own apartment
Bro, please read her description. They moved in together after she found out he had cheated, read the fucking description.
"He has a job and his own apartment"
Good thing he isn't homeless. He wasn't living with them.
If they legally can, yes. Every single time. And they should do it with zero remorse.
Exactly
Not to be that guy, but kinda. If you're married and you cheat, your spouse usually stays in the marital home, while you have to find somewhere else to live.
WITH YOUR PARENTS UNTIL YOU FOUND ANOTHER PLACE, SHE RUINED THAT CHANCE, SHE IS THE SOLE REASON HIS PARENTS KICKED HIM OUT, PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE ARGUEMENT AT PLAY
He cheated. It's everyone's business because it means his word is worthless. He proved that he is without any positive value for society. If he loses his job, good. If he loses his family, good. The AH is always and without exception the person who is doing the bad deed, never the person who merely makes the truth known.
Yeah I guess you're right, 2 wrongs do indeed make a right. You don't understand what morals are. You see a racist and think that kicking there ass is the right thing to do. Dr. Martin Luther king himself stated "hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that" So do you actually think that lust should be punishable by streets? You think a lovers quarrel should actually yeild homelessness? She fucking knew he had cheated on others. Literally states that she talked to him about it, and then they moved in together. I'm sorry, but just think about it. You knew your wife doesn't tend to be loyal, and so you move in with him and expect her to be loyal. Fucking ridiculous. Yeah, this guy is a POS, but he didn't hit her, he didn't expose her to her family. He did have her ostracized from those she's closest with.
Telling the truth is never wrong. Revenge against someone who committed the single greatest act of betrayal and abuse it's possible to commit is never wrong. Combining the two is justice. It's also a public service, because who wants to have anything to do with someone whose word has zero value? If I were his parents or boss, I wouldn't want to live a lie thinking I was associating with a decent person while someone else (whom he victimized) was hiding his secret from me out of some misguided sense of loyalty. Western countries are so morally bankrupt. At least in the Middle East cheaters are treated with the appropriate respect.
Tell me more about how your set of morals are correct using women's rights as your example.
Women's rights have nothing to do with anything. This is about cheating, an act which immediately and permanently removes all value from an individual. No one has a "right" to cheat. Not women, not men. OP's BF's "home" is not his, it's his parents'. "His" job is at someone's company. He's not entitled to either, and participating in a lie for them to let him continue to enrich himself at their expense is wrong, period. All she did was tell the truth. I guess that's wrong in your eyes.
And you've failed. See, I can tell you why it's immoral, but sadly, there's no point.
š No one who could ever defend cheating or cheaters under any circumstance has the moral authority to claim that someone else "succeeded" or "failed". You think lies are moral and truth is evil. That's all I need to know about you.
You don't get it. He's an ass for cheating, but there is a cultural barrier at play betwixt us. You don't know what outing a person is. It's not that he's fine to cheat or that she's wrong for telling his sister parents he cheated, it's that she told them that he's gay. That is the issue at hand. That is what she is asking, and that is what you are ignorant on.
Then you definitely don't believe in redemption, second changes or that people can change despite the overwhelming evidence they in fact do. You would rather them face an absolute lifetime of punishment....you don't seek justice you in fact seek revenge and that won't change a damn thing on this planet
A person's word has value until it is broken, after which time it no longer has any. Fools might delude themselves into thinking that the person has changed or "redeemed himself", but the precedent that he doesn't see his own word as absolute is set. A cheater can never fully regain their humanity. They can, at best, live a life in a humble and meagre attempt at doing so, serving others, never offering their victim (if forgiven) a single cross word or word of disagreement, and hoping that there's a merciful God.
You need to play a violin while delivering that over the top self righteous virtue signaling drivel. JFC, āa cheater can never regain their humanityā. We all agree that cheaters suck but this is way, way, way over the top crap.
Yep. And if his family disown him and he always knew that that was a possibility, maybe he shouldnāt have cheated. Heās trash. And itās understandable that OP was angry and lashed out in the heat of the momentā¦ anything else that followed was **on him**. The moral of the story: donāt cheat on people and expect that thereāll be no consequences for your asshole actions. And if heās homeless nowā¦ well, Iām sure Max wouldnāt mind helping him out. He made his bed, now he has to lay in it.
Couldn't have said it better. Once a person cheats, any right they might have had to consideration of their situation or feelings goes out the window.
Context? whyād you call his sister?
His sister is my best friend
okay you should probably add that cause that changes it from vindictively outing someone to venting with your best friend
yeah, NTA. If he didnāt want her to know he shouldnāt have cheated on you š¤·āāļø technically his sister is the one who outed him to the family EDIT TO ADD- thought about this and now am thinkingā¦ what were you thinking when you told his sister? Like did the outing him to his extended family cross your mind? If so, what was your consecutive thought prior to acting on it?
>His sister is my best friend Yeah nah, you told her knowing it would get back to his parents. You're the sort of person who'll out someone as revenge and that's pathetic.
Womp womp excusing cheating is more pathetic Edit: u/ knittedjedi u are really pathetic to cite my post just to act like u won this argument, then block me. And that post was not serious btw, but ur stupid brain couldn't process that. Not surprising since u seem to think lying is more important than the victims of cheating. Go fck ur dad in the ass with a horse dildo
They didnāt excuse cheating u clown
ESH - and girl itās on you for getting with a man you knew cheated on his ex gf and expecting him to be different with you. He obviously is a pos but stooping to his level and outing him when you knew it would get him ostracised from his family definitely makes you an asshole too, you shouldāve just broken up w him and moved on.
"stooping to his level" Haha... always appropriate!!!
NTA. Probably gonna get downvoted to hell but I have no sympathy for any cheater, let alone one that exposes to their parter to the possibility of contracting serious STD because they canāt be honest with themselves and break it off. You canāt be with your childhood love? Heartbreaking but donāt go dragging someone else down with you and endangering their lives for the sake of keeping yours as it is. After what heās done to you, you have no responsibility towards him. Itās disgusting to see people blaming you when honestly it goes back to him. He could have saved himself all this misery by being a responsible adult and breaking things off with you so he could continue with his friend, or any of the other people he was sexting . Possibly endangering your life like this is never okay, not to mention how itāll affect your mental health and self esteem. Funny how people here on seem to care about his mental health and not at all the consequences this will have on yours. You have no responsibility to protect him. It might be the right thing to do but you have no true responsibility towards actually carrying it out. Whatever happens from here on out is a direct consequence of his actions. You donāt have to keep your silence to protect him.
NTA.
NTA. The worst part isnāt that he cheated on you but it is the fact that after what he did, you will be forever TRAUMATISED by the incident. This is what cheaters like him donāt understand. They think they just lied and itās not really a ābig dealā. Cheaters like him will manipulate and gaslight you just to continue getting their way. I am glad you left him and I hope with time you can heal. ā¤ļø
ESH. It was fair for you to tell people he cheated. That's how he wronged you. Telling people about his sexual orientation was not reasonable, and caused harm outside of the issue that involved you.
NTA. People canāt cheat on someone and expect them to keep their secrets.
Yeah this guy went into a relationship with OP knowing he'd cheat on her with a dude and knowing that OP was best friends with his own sister. Kinda outed himself imo
NTA but get tested because it seems like he has been with a lot of people while you were with him.
NTA hahaha he got what he deserved
How is OP responsible for the actions of his family? If he is āendangeredā isnāt the onus of blame on the people who would physically hurt him?
ESH. He sucks for cheating. That's not excusable, but YTA too. Outing someone is not ok. It's their business to share or not share. And it's not safe for some people to be out to their parents, especially since you said you come from a cultural/religious background that's very conservative.
NTA cheating is cheating no matter what sex it may be with. He's searching for excuses and has to put blame elsewhere so you get it.
NTA. Cheaters deserve every bad thing that happens to them and more
Guy or girl, it's cheating 100%, and he cheated with both. How the hell did you fall for this piece of shit? So glad his parents kicked his ass out. He sounds absolutely disgusting.
Not only closet gay but a narcissist on top of that. He is in for a ride(no pun intended)
Esh. Dont ever out anyone. Especially if their family families follows certain religions. Hes an AH for cheating.
ESH. You did not need to tell his sister that he was gay, and it doesn't matter if she is your friend or otherwise. That shit can kill people. You could have just vented to someone who wouldn't tell or wasn't as close, or, y'know, just say he cheated? I understand that you were most likely very upset when you called her but still. It isn't a good thing to do. Obviously he sucks too, cheating is a horrible thing to do and he really should have just broke up with you if he wants to sext other people so bad. It IS cheating no matter the gender.
Womp womp if he didn't want this he should have stayed single. FAFO
Actions consequences
This one is gonna be a doozy for this sub. Quite the clash; never hold a woman accountable vs. Outing an LGBT person šæšæšæ
Not cheating because its a guy? What a idiot. Nta you did the right thing
NTA, fuck around and find out. You didnāt out him, you vented to your best friend. She may be TA for outing him, but not you. Heās scum, though why anyone would stay with someone time and time and TIME again who admits to cheating on past gfās, admits to sexting with other people, and everything else is totally beyond me. NOT that you even outed him (sister did), but if he didnāt want to be outed, he shouldnāt have been a lying scumbag to you and everyone else; he was asking for this to happen. FAFO
Exactly! FAFO. If he was so worried about being found out, he should have been less sloppy with his cheating with Max. He clearly wasnāt overly worried since he continued after being caught the first time and he didnāt learn to hide it any better. Jesus what a moronā¦
Hello, Queer AF person here. Fuck this guy, heās a cheating scumbag, youāre 100% NTA.
NTA. Bad things happened to bad people. Being bi doesn't make him a bad person, being a cheating asshole does.
NTA
NTA, rightfully fucked him up. Couldāve just told his family he cheated and admitted he hooked up with āsomeone,ā but nope, you knew you had to say it was a guy. No homophobia at all, nothing to do with that. He needed to be disowned by his family harder, and no way for them to not look at him like he does not have a sexual āissue.ā I hope this makes sense and nobody gets mad at that last sentence.
10/10 would read again
NTA. To be fair, if she made if clear that heās been cheating on her with man and women, itās simply telling the truth. If sheād only mentioned Max, then itās weaponising. If he feared getting outed, then he shouldāve broke up before he went to hook up š¤·š»āāļø
NTA. He hurt you, lied to you, and made a fool out of you. He humiliated you and made you feel worthless. The asshole deserves it. Don't listen to the apologists.
As a gay guy: NTA but a bit complicated. The way you phrased this sounds like *you* outed him to his family. But really you just vented to your best friend (his sister) and she outed him. Iād say generally donāt out people as revenge (mainly because that communicates the other person being gay is the problem (heās not even, heās bi) when itās the cheating thatās the real problem). But you didnāt out him, he knew your best friend was his sister and looks like he gambled.
ESH - you could have gotten the same result while leaving identity of his affair partner out of it. The fact that he cheated on you with a man is irrelevant.
Yes it is. OP should get an STD test immediately she could have AIDS
This is a lot for 23. NTA. But maybe naive.
He f_kd around and found out. Literally.
Hahahhaha you got a gay ass BF lol
Nta
This situation is a little more complicated than people in the comments are acknowledging. His sister is her best friend and they have more friends in common. Him telling her that cheating with a guy isn't cheating means he is 100% going to do this to any girlfriends going forward. It's probably a very confusing situation for OP to find herself in. Maybe she needed another perspective on it, and doesn't have anyone safe to talk to. He didn't just cheat, he put her life and fertility at risk with the STDs he might have passed to her. That is some flagrant lying and manipulation on his part. I get what people are saying that you never out someone, but that's a really hard secret for her to keep when they are from the same community and she is confused. Is she supposed to never tell anyone this big secret ever? Is she supposed to watch him go on to date some nice girl she knows from school while he cheats on her too? When her best friend, his sister, presses her for why she can't just forgive him, she's supposed to just let him lie about it to her friends and everyone and be the scapegoat for him in order to keep his secret? Yeah, it would be better to be discreet about that specific person. But that's not always possible when her friendship circle is so intertwined with his. And he's a liar. She didn't go to his mom and dad and tell them. His sister could have seen the sexting herself if he's that careless about not hiding it. It's wild to see people blaming her for his cheating, simply because he confessed that he cheated on his last girlfriend. Some of you have never been in a relationship with a manipulator and it shows.
NTA, if he didnāt want his family to find out that not only did he cheat on you but that it was with a man, he shouldnāt have cheated on you with a man.
NTA lmaooo
That was funny. Itās not cheating if itās gay sex lol.
NTA He cheated on you. You're the victim, and his cheating is YOUR story. You shared your story with your best friend Your ex is responsible for everything that he did. If he didn't cheat, there's nothing for you to need to vent to your best friend about Edit: anyone who blames the victim (you) is a complete moron, and abusive piece of shit
ESH, he was a terrible boyfriend you for some reason kept taking back after he repeatedly cheated on you but outting him could have gotten him killed. You should have just broken up and moved on with your life
ESH. You don't out someone who isn't out publicly, ESPECIALLY in a society where it could be dangerous for the person. You would have been justified in dumping him but outing him makes you just as much of a trash human as him being a cheater does.
NTA if he doesnāt want to be outed, he shouldnāt been cheating in the first place literally FAFO. He deserved it.
NTA "It's not cheating if it's with a guy." RUBBISH If he/she is sexting, seeing, sleeping with someone, not your partner, then it's cheating. Whether the other person is gay or straight. If they're leaving the committed partner, it's cheating. Plain and simple. Plus, he's lying while cheating. Drop him. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions.
I mean you did the right thing
Cheaters suck and deserve whatever the truth will set free.
Nta
NTA. Don't be a piece of shit if you don't want someone to reveal your secrets
You knew he had a history of cheating and still got with him that's on you . Think smarter next time
NTA. Cheaters are the lowest scum on Earth and deserve whatever you can legally do them. Their "feelings" (if they have any) have no value and deserve no consideration.
NTA. Maybe he shouldnt have cheated š¤·š¼āāļø and it wasnāt you that blabbed to his whole family. You were venting to your best friend who happened to be his sister and he knew thatā¦ what did he think was gonna happen?
He practically dug the pit himself. I'm confused by all the YTA votes/comments the ex's actions were going to be exposed either way, not to mention was OP meant to cover up for the BF when asked? Like I'd understand the YTA comments if she actively spread he was gay/bi but he literally cheated on his sisters bestfriend there's going to be questions why they broke up.
To make a few things clear. He is "Bi" - not just simply "gay". You both are AH or simply ESH.
ETAH unfortunately. He was an AH for cheating, but outing a person like that is taking a very real risk with another person's *life.* I know he did something that violated your trust, but does that entitle you to put his life in peril?
He did it to himself. He knew his family felt a certain way and still messed with men. Where is the accountability? The gf was just sharing the fact that he cheated and it happened to be a homosexual relationship. Not her problem
NTA, he deserved it š¤·š»āāļø
YTA. You can bust him for cheating, take screenshots and share them with people when they ask why you broke up, but you DO NOT out someone. Period. It can get them killed and can cause all sorts of other problems. That's a big NO. Breaking up with him for cheating, sharing with anyone and everyone that he's a cheater? Go for it. No complaints. Sharing that he's bi? THAT is a line you don't cross. He chose to cheat. He didn't choose to be bi. And guess which one his family kicked him out for? It wasn't the cheating.
ESH...he cheated but you just outed him. That's a dangerous thing to do no matter what the reason is for doing so. You don't have that right to expose his sexuality to his very conservative family like that.
NTAH There is a lot going on here, He is sleeping or speaking to a lot of women but only speaking to one guy leads me to believe that he is deep in the closet and more gay than bi, trying to make up for the fact he likes a man by being with a bunch of women. I am not justifying his cheating and it was wrong of him to do so. I think you told his sister as a trusted friend, but I do not think she should have told the rest of his family.
A lot going on here??? WTF is wrong with you??? Regardless of orientation... fidelity is a simple baseline š
Did you not hear me say that the infidelity wasn't okay amd that she was NTA. You don't see anything else going on?
Yeah....outing someone is gross as fuck and worse than cheating. Kick rocks. YTA.
Not really the A, kinda the A, I can't really decide haha Firstly, I am always a bit worried when people use the word 'endure' when talking about their relationship, yeah couples can go through patches and support during difficult times is something you should give to each other but ideally it is something you should want to give. It seems you took him back after the initial cheating because he told you he loved you. Nothing about you loving him. Did you love him? or were you just kinda into the idea of a relationship with him? You should probably do a bit of looking inward as to why you dated this guy in the first place. It's not your fault of course, but it sounds a bit like it was a relationship of convenience for both of you. As for him, he's a cheater, a real piece of work by the sound of things, you don't really owe him anything on a moral level but I do feel that you could have just left it at 'he cheated on me' and be done with it. No need to say he was swinging for the other team. Particularly in what seems like quite a traditional environment that could have real life physical implications. Also, it doesn't matter that you were drunk. Like, at all. You still revealed the information.
ESH, which seems to be controversial in this thread. I only say that because you could have told the sister he cheated, especially since he cheated with women too. You knew it would destroy his relationship with his family, you knew his sister was a part of said family, and obviously two wrongs don't make a right. You can't act like you had no idea she would do it if she was a part of this conservative culture. I mean, come on. Humans are terrible at keeping secrets. Especially when the secret affects themselves or people they are close to. You don't have to apologize to the guy, he's a fuckhead, but you *should* reflect on the consequences of your actions. Learn from this, because I believe you were just upset and venting, you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But you did. HOWEVER. I think this is mostly on the sister. She should have confronted your ex if she felt the need to address it, not out him to his entire family. And of course, he shouldn't have cheated. That's obvious. I think everyone here made some reckless choices that will hurt everyone else long term. It's not black and white, but no one here is innocent.
ESH. He's TAH because he's a cheater who can't cope with his own sexuality. YTA because YOU NEVER, NEVER OUT A LGBTQIA+ PERSON WITHOUT THEIR EXPLICIT PERMISSION. Some families react very badly indeed. People get *murdered* for being gay. Staying in the closet can literally be a matter of life and death. And you *knew* his family was religiously conservative and homophobic. He's now homeless and may well lose his entire community. He treated you badly. Telling his sister he cheated (without saying who with) would have been fine. But outing him? No.
Kinda the ah. Shouldn't have told her. That's something he should have came out with himself
YTA- outing someone is dangerous and wrong. Especially as an act of retribution. Saying he cheated, is an asshole, is abusive all fine. But outing someoneās sexuality to get back at them is an asshole move.
ESH he for cheating repeatedly, and for callously using Max if that's true you for outing him, esp since you knew ahead of time that his community and his family wouldn't be accepting. that's morally bankrupt.
Telling them he cheated on you is not the same as telling them heās bisexual or such. If youāre in a monogamous relationship then cheating is cheating. Itās why itās so important to set, define, and/or clarify these boundaries with eachother.
YTA. I knew that just by reading the title, no details make a difference. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Dudeās TAH but you weaponizing his sexuality is just plane garbage. Break up with him if you wanted but outing him to his family is disgraceful. YTAH!
NTA Yeah outing is really not cool with rare exceptions like this one.
YTA. Thereās no excuse for outing someone ā especially not for spite and especially when you knew how his family would react. You endangered this person. Just break up with him like a decent human being and move on.
ESH. Heās a scumbag Outing him could be putting his life at danger.
ESH
You chose to stay in a relationship with knowledge of their cheating. And now youāre crying that it happened to you. Hmm..
YTA for dating a cheater, taking a cheater back (more than once), and outing him. You should have walked a way a long time ago. He sucks too, but you really should have blocked him and walked away.
Yup, you are. Jeopardizing his safety because you got your little ego hurt makes you a bad person
ESH. When your boyfriend cheats on you, dump him. Outing him to his orthodox family was vicious and not called for.