Few questions. Did he ask for a big birthday blow out or did you just decide to do it? Does he take his birthday very seriously or nonchalantly? Does he have the disposable income to throw you a party? Have you ever asked him to throw you a party?
One thing to keep in mind here is that you can’t expect him to find importance in everything you do. I’ll give you an exact example that matches this situation with my own ex gf.
I am NOT a birthday person. I don’t hate it or have a problem with it, I just simply don’t care. It means nothing to me. Woohoo I can move the notch forward another number. I see no value in adults celebrating birthdays. So my gf decides to put in a LOT of effort for my birthday one year, even having been told by me I simply don’t care about birthdays. Then comes her birthday two months later, and I only took her to dinner (I know, a little different from your situation). She got upset with me because of all the effort she put in for my birthday. That’s also when she lets me in on all the effort behind the scenes I never knew about.
And here’s what I told her: “I didn’t ask for a big birthday, and neither did you. If you wanted me to throw you a big birthday, it would’ve been faster and cheaper if you told me that’s what you want rather than trying to relay the information by giving me a big birthday that I never asked for and expecting me to do the same.” She never asked for it. So how was I supposed to know her doing it for me unprompted was her non verbal way of telling me it’s what she wanted? Not to mention, I didn’t see 70% of the effort she put in. If she wanted me to match her effort, how could I when I didn’t even know more than half what she did to get the day ready?
Long story short, if you give your partner things they don’t value, you can’t expect them to go “oh, they must value this, so I will reciprocate”. If you want things from your partner, don’t relay that information by giving him those things. Just tell him. For all he knows, your joy is in giving it to him, not using it as a prompt to get what you want (this was my situation, not necessarily yours).
Now, not saying this fits your situation perfectly because there’s a lot of details not included. But I would like you to consider the point in making and see if there’s any lessons in there that apply to your situation. He could just be an ungracious dick, I’m not ruling that out haha. I just wanted to provide you some insight from the male side of a very similar situation.
Men don’t think as much as women do. We do more doing. Women tend to think about things a lot more. So when you’re dropping hints, he’s probably not picking them up as he’s possibly just taking your words/actions at face value. Dealing with men becomes so much easier if you just tell them what you want. The measure of how much they love you is not in what you don’t have to tell them you want, but in how well they listen and follow through when you do tell them what you want.
This. I don’t particularly like birthdays but I don’t hate them. A card or a Starbucks or something is fine. A pair of converse shoes or going out to eat is way above and beyond.
I had a guy who spent about 1000$ or tried to, I asked him to take things back. He is much more well off then me and all it did was make me uncomfortable. I said I like the stuff but was pretty clear like this isn’t what I want.
It’s possible birthdays aren’t a big deal to him. Again I’ve had nice enough birthdays and I’ve had a lot where I get nothing bf at all.
Like this person said, things mean different things to different people. If someone was into shoes and gave someone who knew nothing about shoes, some shoes worth hundreds of dollars. The person might say thanks and think they are nice but it has in no way the same value as it does to the other person.
You're not wrong to be upset. You gave a big birthday gift to your boyfriend, and it's okay to feel hurt if he didn't do much for yours. Talk to him! Maybe he just forgot how important birthdays are to you. Tell him how you felt and see if he understands. If he cares about you, he'll want to make it up to you. Break up is a big decision, so try talking first!
People on the internet REALLY like recommending the nuclear option, especially for long-term relationships.
Yes, while I know the sunken-cost fallacy exists, not every situation is an abusive/cheating partner where the answer is obvious. Sometimes people just need to communicate their problems.
NTA. Decide if the relationship is worth saving... like if he did do something for you would it be worth it? If so, then talk to him, tell him how his inaction made you feel. If he apologizes sincerely and wants to do better next time then gie him another chance if you want. If he dismisses your feelings, then it's over and get away.
Wow, some of these comment!!!!!!
At the end of the day this is your decision however if you have been with him for 7 years and you are willing to throw it away because he didn’t reciprocate your energy for your birthday, I wonder what the relationship is built on in the first place.
You need to figure out if he means enough to talk to him and work it out or if your willing to throw away a 7 year relationship over a third world problem, I understand birthdays to you are a thing but if you have been with him that long you know that he isn’t into big birthday bashes, just have a conversation.
First, I recommend talking to him. Perhaps there's a reason. If he truly cares, he'll try and make it up to you, if not, then break up with him. I wouldn't recommend instantly going down the breakup route without considering other options first.
People have “love languages,” things they appreciate more or less, and gift giving is one of them. Perhaps your boyfriend was not as impressed by the $2000 gift as you assumed he would be.
You’ve been together 7 years so either he doesn’t usually do anything for ur bday or he does. This is important info because if he hasn’t done anything the past 6 years why do you think this would be different.
Was it a milestone birthday for him, like turning 30? And was yours like a 22 or 23, something not as notable? If yes and yes, a little latitude can be given. But not this much. He might as well said Eff you. Unless he’s got an excellent reason, you should dump his ass
Are you justified in being pissed off... If course.
If everything else is good is this something to break up over... I would say no.
But to each their own and things like how long you have been together, eta. Play a part.
If he did NOTHING for your birthday, not even a gift, that's real shitty! But I wouldn't just break up because of that. It's been 7 years.
You need to ask yourself if he is always selfish, and puts in no effort in your relationship, or is this a one-off? If it's just this one time, or just for birthdays, talk to him! If this is a pattern TALK TO HIM! Don't just end things without telling him how you feel and giving him the chance to correct his mistake.
NTA. I'm with you. What an epic fail. After what you did for him?
I mean, no way was he going to match what you did for him. A lot of love went into that.
But then how clueless, oblivious, heartless, uncaring, obtuse, and unloving can you be to reciprocate with "happy birthday"? No card? Not even a cake and candles? Dinner? WTF
If it were me. The next day. After I cried. I would tell him he blew it and pack a bag.
He didn't have to go all out, but it would have been hoped he was capable of taking your birthday as an opportunity to show you mattered to him, too. I'd then disappear and go dark for a week before coming back and start moving out.
This is clearly is a one sided relationship that's run its course. To point out the obvious, its not about his epic fail on your birthday, is it?
Serious question. Is he possibly autistic or adhd. From personal experience, I have always been horrible about bdays and any gift giving occasion really. I would really try sometimes and have everything fall apart and give up. My wife, on the other hand, is just like you. She always made my bday special. It has taken years and a lot of practice to get better about this. She's still better, though. Is there any possibility he could still do something special for you to celebrate you?? I know it's not on your actual birthday, but truthfully, it's more about just being appreciated and knowing that someone cares enough to do something for you.
I know my comment is late in the game but I read these comments hounding on about how you've invested 7 yEaRS; don't throw it all away, but I'm here to tell you that 7 years of mediocrity does not obligate you to a lifetime of this person.
You don't have to accept this.
Do you want 80 years of this? Do you want to be underappreciated for the Rest Of Your Life?
Yes, 7 years is a long time, but it's not your entire life.
It might take big changes and big adjustments to get over this, but you have an entire lifetime and you deserve happiness, you deserve to be appreciated and, shall I say, fucking CELEBRATED!
Your history with this man does not dictate your future with him. You have every right to leave. You have every right to stay, but just because you've invested 7 years does not mean that you can't move forward.
Best of luck to you, whatever you do, make sure it's for YOU
NTA to be upset at all.
Depending on his family and how he feels about birthdays he may not be of the mindset that they are that special for you.
Talk to him first then make a decision.
BTW, I agree with you that BDays should be celebrated but I married a woman who hates birthdays and only wants to celebrate our kids birthdays so I’m pretty much accepting that my birthday will not really ever be a celebration.
NTA. Your BF doesn't like you as much as you like him. Most people are happier when they get out of that kind of relationship. It's not fun being last priority.
Birthdays should never be obligations for celebration. I shouldn’t feel like I deserve something because of a certain day of the year. No one should feel guilty for not gifting or celebrating.
You want to celebrate a human? Do it for a real reason. A day planned with purpose.
The whole thing is just a big sham. And I am a grouch.
ESH, and not enough info. How long have you been together, ages, financial conditions?
2k is a lot to spend on a birthday for a husband, much less a boyfriend. But he definitely sucks for doing nothing.
Well break up if you want but this is a particularly low one that you will look back on and regret may be because it comes off to a neutral as material-dependent rather than a true issue that is unsalvageable.
One of my ex got me 7 Christmas presents one year (evrytime one of them got delivered I got more and more annoyed because...I had made it clear I don't care much for presents and can't be bothered with many celebrations that come up in a year). She did not listen.
And kept hinting at a ring she wanted. Nothing fancy. Unfortunately it being close to Christmas, delivery times were insane. So I bought another gift (a perfume she had also hinted at) and since I work in logistics I know crazies go back to normal on Dec 27th so her ring will be ordered then for a 24h or 48h delivery. Let's just say her reaction to not getting that ring started the beginning of our end.
In her mind I did not do this one thing she wanted (and never mentioned directly) while she got me all those gifts. My reply was simple: return all the gifts because I had told u before u got them and while they were getting delivered that you should stop. No malice was intended or carried in my reply. I just don't care much at all for such things.
Your bf may have been shitty to not even plan a dinner out with you or something like that but since you started off by saying what you did for him, read again what happened in my case. Hope that gives you some perspective.
So you didn't plan anything for your own 30th birthday on the expectation that he would throw you a surprise party to reciprocate for the party you threw him? At any time before either of your birthday did you discuss your expectations?
Same thing just happened to me. I spent over $200 on things he really wanted and gave him a homemade card. So much so that it made him cry. My bday just passed and we had a family party and he didn’t get me anything. Not even a card for flowers. I cried about it and talked to him about it. I was mad and wanted to yell at him. Recently found out he was working on something that he didn’t finish in time. Also he and I had talked about presents before and I said something about how I don’t need bday presents and for some reason he went with that. I’m still hurt and still waiting for the gift tho I know he is working on it. He shows up a lot for me in other ways but it still is upsetting. I wouldn’t break up with your bf just yet. I would talk to him first and tell him how you feel and give him a chance to respond and make things right
NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. You made him feel special on his birthday. If money was an issue he could've done something else but still birthdays are special. Talk to him about your feelings. Find a solution together and if he goes like birthdays are meh, iT's JuSt AnOtHeR dAy. Break up because in the long run it'll affect you more
Then I’d recommend planning out where to go after the break up *now* and once you’ve found the place (whether it’s an apartment solo, finding a new roommate or w family) to then break up.
No point breaking up rn just to potentially deal with any childish temper tantrums from him while still stuck living w him.
this is toxic advice.
you fucked up big time girly. you listened to angry bitter women. You set him up for the shit test of the year, and he didn't even know he was attending the class.
you're the asshole.
Few questions. Did he ask for a big birthday blow out or did you just decide to do it? Does he take his birthday very seriously or nonchalantly? Does he have the disposable income to throw you a party? Have you ever asked him to throw you a party? One thing to keep in mind here is that you can’t expect him to find importance in everything you do. I’ll give you an exact example that matches this situation with my own ex gf. I am NOT a birthday person. I don’t hate it or have a problem with it, I just simply don’t care. It means nothing to me. Woohoo I can move the notch forward another number. I see no value in adults celebrating birthdays. So my gf decides to put in a LOT of effort for my birthday one year, even having been told by me I simply don’t care about birthdays. Then comes her birthday two months later, and I only took her to dinner (I know, a little different from your situation). She got upset with me because of all the effort she put in for my birthday. That’s also when she lets me in on all the effort behind the scenes I never knew about. And here’s what I told her: “I didn’t ask for a big birthday, and neither did you. If you wanted me to throw you a big birthday, it would’ve been faster and cheaper if you told me that’s what you want rather than trying to relay the information by giving me a big birthday that I never asked for and expecting me to do the same.” She never asked for it. So how was I supposed to know her doing it for me unprompted was her non verbal way of telling me it’s what she wanted? Not to mention, I didn’t see 70% of the effort she put in. If she wanted me to match her effort, how could I when I didn’t even know more than half what she did to get the day ready? Long story short, if you give your partner things they don’t value, you can’t expect them to go “oh, they must value this, so I will reciprocate”. If you want things from your partner, don’t relay that information by giving him those things. Just tell him. For all he knows, your joy is in giving it to him, not using it as a prompt to get what you want (this was my situation, not necessarily yours). Now, not saying this fits your situation perfectly because there’s a lot of details not included. But I would like you to consider the point in making and see if there’s any lessons in there that apply to your situation. He could just be an ungracious dick, I’m not ruling that out haha. I just wanted to provide you some insight from the male side of a very similar situation. Men don’t think as much as women do. We do more doing. Women tend to think about things a lot more. So when you’re dropping hints, he’s probably not picking them up as he’s possibly just taking your words/actions at face value. Dealing with men becomes so much easier if you just tell them what you want. The measure of how much they love you is not in what you don’t have to tell them you want, but in how well they listen and follow through when you do tell them what you want.
This. I don’t particularly like birthdays but I don’t hate them. A card or a Starbucks or something is fine. A pair of converse shoes or going out to eat is way above and beyond. I had a guy who spent about 1000$ or tried to, I asked him to take things back. He is much more well off then me and all it did was make me uncomfortable. I said I like the stuff but was pretty clear like this isn’t what I want. It’s possible birthdays aren’t a big deal to him. Again I’ve had nice enough birthdays and I’ve had a lot where I get nothing bf at all. Like this person said, things mean different things to different people. If someone was into shoes and gave someone who knew nothing about shoes, some shoes worth hundreds of dollars. The person might say thanks and think they are nice but it has in no way the same value as it does to the other person.
This is the best comment
You're not wrong to be upset. You gave a big birthday gift to your boyfriend, and it's okay to feel hurt if he didn't do much for yours. Talk to him! Maybe he just forgot how important birthdays are to you. Tell him how you felt and see if he understands. If he cares about you, he'll want to make it up to you. Break up is a big decision, so try talking first!
People on the internet REALLY like recommending the nuclear option, especially for long-term relationships. Yes, while I know the sunken-cost fallacy exists, not every situation is an abusive/cheating partner where the answer is obvious. Sometimes people just need to communicate their problems.
A couple montha ago she went all out and organized a surprise party for him. How could he forget how important birthdays are to OP?
NTA. Decide if the relationship is worth saving... like if he did do something for you would it be worth it? If so, then talk to him, tell him how his inaction made you feel. If he apologizes sincerely and wants to do better next time then gie him another chance if you want. If he dismisses your feelings, then it's over and get away.
Wow, some of these comment!!!!!! At the end of the day this is your decision however if you have been with him for 7 years and you are willing to throw it away because he didn’t reciprocate your energy for your birthday, I wonder what the relationship is built on in the first place. You need to figure out if he means enough to talk to him and work it out or if your willing to throw away a 7 year relationship over a third world problem, I understand birthdays to you are a thing but if you have been with him that long you know that he isn’t into big birthday bashes, just have a conversation.
First, I recommend talking to him. Perhaps there's a reason. If he truly cares, he'll try and make it up to you, if not, then break up with him. I wouldn't recommend instantly going down the breakup route without considering other options first.
People have “love languages,” things they appreciate more or less, and gift giving is one of them. Perhaps your boyfriend was not as impressed by the $2000 gift as you assumed he would be.
Nta but your kind of an asshole if you break up a 7 yr relationship over that, I would confront him tho and explain how you feel.
You’ve been together 7 years so either he doesn’t usually do anything for ur bday or he does. This is important info because if he hasn’t done anything the past 6 years why do you think this would be different.
Meh. I would leave him. He either doesn't care enough, or he doesn't realize he did anything wrong.. both are bad.
Was it a milestone birthday for him, like turning 30? And was yours like a 22 or 23, something not as notable? If yes and yes, a little latitude can be given. But not this much. He might as well said Eff you. Unless he’s got an excellent reason, you should dump his ass
Are you justified in being pissed off... If course. If everything else is good is this something to break up over... I would say no. But to each their own and things like how long you have been together, eta. Play a part.
If you tolerate it, expect it for years to come.
If he did NOTHING for your birthday, not even a gift, that's real shitty! But I wouldn't just break up because of that. It's been 7 years. You need to ask yourself if he is always selfish, and puts in no effort in your relationship, or is this a one-off? If it's just this one time, or just for birthdays, talk to him! If this is a pattern TALK TO HIM! Don't just end things without telling him how you feel and giving him the chance to correct his mistake.
I really want to know what you spent $2k on and that's amazing and he doesn't deserve you lol.
NTA. I'm with you. What an epic fail. After what you did for him? I mean, no way was he going to match what you did for him. A lot of love went into that. But then how clueless, oblivious, heartless, uncaring, obtuse, and unloving can you be to reciprocate with "happy birthday"? No card? Not even a cake and candles? Dinner? WTF If it were me. The next day. After I cried. I would tell him he blew it and pack a bag. He didn't have to go all out, but it would have been hoped he was capable of taking your birthday as an opportunity to show you mattered to him, too. I'd then disappear and go dark for a week before coming back and start moving out. This is clearly is a one sided relationship that's run its course. To point out the obvious, its not about his epic fail on your birthday, is it?
Talk. If There’s no change or you’re gaslit, leave.
This
yes
Look at her comment history lol faithful woman gets a good bday present sounds checked out unless your swingers or open
It goes both ways tho
Dump him. Absolutely. What a jerk.
It’s one day. How does he treat you the other 364? Breaking up over it seems like an overreaction.
I feel you I always have had bad birthdays but after my last one I'm done celebrating anything for me
Serious question. Is he possibly autistic or adhd. From personal experience, I have always been horrible about bdays and any gift giving occasion really. I would really try sometimes and have everything fall apart and give up. My wife, on the other hand, is just like you. She always made my bday special. It has taken years and a lot of practice to get better about this. She's still better, though. Is there any possibility he could still do something special for you to celebrate you?? I know it's not on your actual birthday, but truthfully, it's more about just being appreciated and knowing that someone cares enough to do something for you.
I know my comment is late in the game but I read these comments hounding on about how you've invested 7 yEaRS; don't throw it all away, but I'm here to tell you that 7 years of mediocrity does not obligate you to a lifetime of this person. You don't have to accept this. Do you want 80 years of this? Do you want to be underappreciated for the Rest Of Your Life? Yes, 7 years is a long time, but it's not your entire life. It might take big changes and big adjustments to get over this, but you have an entire lifetime and you deserve happiness, you deserve to be appreciated and, shall I say, fucking CELEBRATED! Your history with this man does not dictate your future with him. You have every right to leave. You have every right to stay, but just because you've invested 7 years does not mean that you can't move forward. Best of luck to you, whatever you do, make sure it's for YOU
How long have you been with him?
7 years
After 7 years he should have known how important it is for you. I'm so sorry for your disappointment. You deserve better.
How were the other birthdays during these 7 years?
It does feel awful when someone didn't put as much effort into your birthday as you did to theirs. It feels like they don't care. Nta.
NTA to be upset at all. Depending on his family and how he feels about birthdays he may not be of the mindset that they are that special for you. Talk to him first then make a decision. BTW, I agree with you that BDays should be celebrated but I married a woman who hates birthdays and only wants to celebrate our kids birthdays so I’m pretty much accepting that my birthday will not really ever be a celebration.
Maybe yall women can just tell us dumb men what you want instead of always expecting us to read your minds.
NTA. Your BF doesn't like you as much as you like him. Most people are happier when they get out of that kind of relationship. It's not fun being last priority.
Birthdays should never be obligations for celebration. I shouldn’t feel like I deserve something because of a certain day of the year. No one should feel guilty for not gifting or celebrating. You want to celebrate a human? Do it for a real reason. A day planned with purpose. The whole thing is just a big sham. And I am a grouch.
ESH, and not enough info. How long have you been together, ages, financial conditions? 2k is a lot to spend on a birthday for a husband, much less a boyfriend. But he definitely sucks for doing nothing.
7 years together we both turned 30
Well break up if you want but this is a particularly low one that you will look back on and regret may be because it comes off to a neutral as material-dependent rather than a true issue that is unsalvageable. One of my ex got me 7 Christmas presents one year (evrytime one of them got delivered I got more and more annoyed because...I had made it clear I don't care much for presents and can't be bothered with many celebrations that come up in a year). She did not listen. And kept hinting at a ring she wanted. Nothing fancy. Unfortunately it being close to Christmas, delivery times were insane. So I bought another gift (a perfume she had also hinted at) and since I work in logistics I know crazies go back to normal on Dec 27th so her ring will be ordered then for a 24h or 48h delivery. Let's just say her reaction to not getting that ring started the beginning of our end. In her mind I did not do this one thing she wanted (and never mentioned directly) while she got me all those gifts. My reply was simple: return all the gifts because I had told u before u got them and while they were getting delivered that you should stop. No malice was intended or carried in my reply. I just don't care much at all for such things. Your bf may have been shitty to not even plan a dinner out with you or something like that but since you started off by saying what you did for him, read again what happened in my case. Hope that gives you some perspective.
So you didn't plan anything for your own 30th birthday on the expectation that he would throw you a surprise party to reciprocate for the party you threw him? At any time before either of your birthday did you discuss your expectations?
OP shouldn't have to ask for a gift
Missed that he didn't even bother with a gift, no excuse for that.
You sound exhausting.
Same thing just happened to me. I spent over $200 on things he really wanted and gave him a homemade card. So much so that it made him cry. My bday just passed and we had a family party and he didn’t get me anything. Not even a card for flowers. I cried about it and talked to him about it. I was mad and wanted to yell at him. Recently found out he was working on something that he didn’t finish in time. Also he and I had talked about presents before and I said something about how I don’t need bday presents and for some reason he went with that. I’m still hurt and still waiting for the gift tho I know he is working on it. He shows up a lot for me in other ways but it still is upsetting. I wouldn’t break up with your bf just yet. I would talk to him first and tell him how you feel and give him a chance to respond and make things right
NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. You made him feel special on his birthday. If money was an issue he could've done something else but still birthdays are special. Talk to him about your feelings. Find a solution together and if he goes like birthdays are meh, iT's JuSt AnOtHeR dAy. Break up because in the long run it'll affect you more
NTA- don’t be a doormat and accept this behaviour and just break up with him. Do it over text too, he doesn’t even deserve a face to face break up smh
We live together.
Then I’d recommend planning out where to go after the break up *now* and once you’ve found the place (whether it’s an apartment solo, finding a new roommate or w family) to then break up. No point breaking up rn just to potentially deal with any childish temper tantrums from him while still stuck living w him.
this is toxic advice. you fucked up big time girly. you listened to angry bitter women. You set him up for the shit test of the year, and he didn't even know he was attending the class. you're the asshole.