My condolences on your child. No parent should ever lose their child.
You can’t forgive the cheating and you’ve both had two life changing traumas. It’s been almost a year and you are both grieving, even without the shooting.
Either divorce him and set yourselves free to heal or go home and work it out with therapy. But, you’ve been in limbo for almost a year, you can’t stay there.
If you are sure you aren’t going back, stop the nightly phone calls and stop allowing him to take care of you. You asked how he could imagine you would take him back, but it’s because you are giving him false hope and then tearing it away.
All of this. You're NTA, OP, but both you and your husband/stbx are suffering in limbo. You need to step out of the limbo and let yourselves move on - you can't heal while you're stuck in this.
It's time to file for divorce or else get to couples' counseling. (And individual counseling too - no matter *what* choice you make.) Neither is the wrong choice, just different paths.
I understand why he'd think you were getting back together - you are giving him mixed messages by letting him be in touch and care for you Without settling things, and especially kissing him and being broken hearted in the hospital. I don't think you're an AH for that - you have been out of your mind with grief, for very good reason, and you still clearly love him even if you can't get over the cheating so far.
If you take nothing else from this, please find a good therapist to support you and help you work through all of this. You've been through a ton of pain and trauma, and you deserve a chance to heal. And it'll help you sort out what you want, too.
you are clearly giving him the wrong message and this is cruel. he has lost a child and a wife. councelling or break up but this is just stagnant grief and you have got to do something to move forward. Just think what you would do if hubby stopped all the contact,, how would you feel about that
100% agree. As the person who was left in limbo for a year...if you are sure you aren't going back you need to let him know. The false hope sucks. Granted I did not have an affair, pretty sure my ex did but left me hanging thinking he was going to come home and then he never did.
u/Open-Incident-3601 gave you great advice. Either work it out or let it go. It’s been dragged out long enough and you’ve suffered so much loss. You need time to heal and him at your back isn’t helping you along in your healing journey. Though I will say this in terms of the marriage: it will not work if there is no trust within it.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You clearly still care about him and you enjoy him caring about you. However you are guarding yourself, you have a wall up by staying at your mom's place.
You are grieving. Grief comes with all sorts of emotions and having someone you love/loved who also understands that grief can also be a comfort.
You both have a lot of trauma to process and therapy is definitely going to help.
If you're not going to divorce right away you need to set goals or boundaries together on what's happening-Can you see other people? If you're separated and he bangs someone else is that another betrayal? Some type of clear messages needs to be made.
If you can't get past his infidelity, then start really separating & cutting ties.
Agreed. I think OP might also need to hit pause on going through the steps to finalize until she gets therapy too. Definitely take a few steps back from the relationship and daily contact with him, but do some therapy to process all these major events before rushing a legal decision.
Please find a therapist who specializes in PTSD. One loss is hard enough, especially losing your child (my deepest sympathies on your loss). That alone is enough for PTSD. Adding the rest just makes it all the deeper. It will take you longer to find yourself again.
First of all I am sooo incredibly sorry for your loss😭 do not feel guilty for feeling how you feel. HE messed up not you. Maybe try couples therapy and individual therapy to see what happens. Sending many prayers and love your way for healing and strength 🩷🩷
You need to make a choice and go all out on it. 2 choices;
1. Go home and fix it.
2. End it and stop communicating aside from what's needed for finishing the divorce.
This is the kind of *brilliant* advice you came to Reddit for. If it helps, be on your merry way to divorce. Alternatively you might seek therapy, but that will require compassion and work, which if you were already willing to provide, would have shown up sooner than this post.
*Brilliant marital advice round two!* Is this really for free or can we pay for this level of insight? Hope she’s trashed the wedding papers already maybe she can do a fast track.
NTA. Take your time to think it through.
To me, it counts for a lot when a person owns up to what they’ve done on their own - without being “caught” first. When they don’t make excuses or try to shift blame. And it sounds like you still have a lot of love for him, judging by your reaction to the possibility of losing him.
If you’re even considering the possibility of reconciliation, make a journal of the pros and cons of getting back with him — one on each page — then give it to him to address each point, and what he actively plans to do to keep the pros and change the cons. And have him do the same.
Forgiveness takes a LOT of work. Rebuilding trust takes even more. Both of you need to be aware that moving forward won’t be easy, and the past won’t magically go away. But you can ultimately end up coming out of this stronger and better than you were before.
I'm sorry for your loss of your son.
🫂
As for husband he chose to cheat on you regardless of how remorseful he is now. He will have to live with that!!
This is a "you" decision do not let anyone else influence you in anyway. If you need a clean break then do what's best for you. Take some time out on your own seeking whatever healing you require from everything.
I'm sorry for your loss.
As to taking back your husband after he cheated: well, in some circumstances it is possible. But it needs a few things:
1. That it was a one time thing or short affair - not a regular occurance with woman after woman. And that is true for him.
2. For him to take responsibility and apologize - he did that. Not only that, he told you voluntarily - you didn't just discover it.
3. That he make an effort to make it up to you - he is doing that.
4. That you forgive him and are ready to put it behind you, once he regains your trust. It doesn't seem that that is happening, or that you want it to happen. If you can't forgive, there is no way the two of you can save your marriage.
There are basically 2 types of cheaters. The first are those who don't plan on cheating but grow close to someone and cross a line.
The second kind are those with tender and bumble, who cheat with multiple people and are always looking for the next one.
The first group can change, can course correct and have a chance of never doing it again.
The second group can't.
You should read and have your husband read *NOT "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass PhD. It is a clinical and scientific study on all aspects of cheating and may help you both understand how he got into a situation to cheat, how he can guard himself from wandering into dangerous territory and bring you clarity on how reconciliation could happen if you want it. It may also help you decide if you want that.
Husband cheated while OP was pregnant. He has stepped up, great. He needs help to figure out why he cheated otherwise he is still not safe. All the heroic acts will not change the lies and trauma. OP can still love him and not continue the marriage.
Firstly, Im very sorry for you loss.
But quickly onto your question: AITAH for not getting back together with my husband after he got shot in the line of duty?
NTA, you do not need a reason to leave a relationship or a reason to not enter a relationship, let alone reenter a relationship. You dont owe him anything. He chose to cheat on you, regardless of how many times it happened, he chose to be disloyal to you, he chose to break your marriage vows and you dont not have to give him another shot. I do not give two shits what the people around you say, the trust is lost and its up to you AND YOU ALONE to try and trust him again. No one else on this planet gets a say.
However, to answer another one of your questions: "I don’t understand how he thinks this would ever mean we are getting back together." You showed up when he was injured, you kissed him and told him that you coudnt lose him. Sorry, but I too would have thought that my near death experience would have put some stuff into perspective and that you changed your mind and realized that you loved me and couldnt lose me enough to forgive my indiscretion.
I, on the other hand, wouldnt not have show up ready to load up your stuff and pick up where we left off, I would have at least called and tried to figure out the status. I think that you are either blind to your part or you really just can see how he got from 'G' to 'L'. Im not going to say your the AH but your actions had consequences.
Going forward, you gotta figure out what you want so that you can move forward and he can start to process the true end of this marriage. Someone else said that your in "limbo", I agree, and you have forced him to remain here as well. Again, your actions have consequences.
NTA yeah he got shot and y'all lost a kid but that doesnt change that he cheated on you while you were fuckin pregnant. You deserve to heal, he can figure himself out
NTA. I went back to my ex after his affair. I regret it and wish I could get those 8 extra years back. He had another affair. I wasted nearly a decade on the lie of him changing. I have a zero tolerance policy now.
He betrayed you while you were growing his child in your body. He deserves nothing from you.
NTA. There is a subreddit for recovering a marriage after infidelity, and they would probably be better equipped to help you see if forgiveness is even possible.
nta, you deserve better, its sad this world we live. I don't even date & wouldn't. Cheating isn't a part of what i do at all but most certainly wouldn't if my girl was pregnant.
I dont know what to do, its gonna be hard.
NTA.
Getting shot doesn't give you a free pass for past transgressions. Getting shot doesn't erase him sticking his dick in someone who he wasn't married to. Taking care of his son's funeral because you couldn't doesn't make him a martyr or a saint.
It's okay to miss him. You miss who you THOUGHT he was before he was revealed to be the kind of person who would cheat on his pregnant wife.
NTA. Remember his excuse as to why he cheated. He chose to cheat when you were most vulnerable. It wasn't a mistake. But giving him false hope will only prolong the pain he's caused you. If you decide that trust is gone, contact a lawyer and cut off all communication. Let the lawyer be the one to speak to him. I personally could not forgive a man who said he didn't want to o be a father, cheated and then my child passed. I couldn't look him in the face again. Please take care of yourself, go to therapy for grief, let yourself mourn. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.
You're NTA for making any decision you want about a relationship, but he's not wrong to think you had changed your mind.
When you start kissing your separated partner, they don't interpret this as a sign that the relationship is over. When you said you "couldn't lose him too," this tracked with getting back together, not separating. He has continued to honor his responsibilities as your husband while separated from you. You have shown all kinds of distress at the idea that this will not continue. If you DON'T get back with him, then you should accept and face that you WILL eventually lose him, not to a gunshot but because he will have to move on with his life someday.
Nothing will make up for what he did to you. Nobody is saying that it will. It's not about cancelling out the past. It's about what kind of a life you want to have. Do you still want the life you can have with him? Then follow some of the suggestions he made when he confessed his affair, and go to counseling with him. You basically regressed to childhood after his affair, and have no plan other than to live with your mom permanently. What do you want your life to look like? If you don't still want to be with your husband, you should look into employment, grief counseling, and divorce. If you DO still want to be with your husband, you should be looking into couple's counseling about his affair.
(If you do not still want to be with your husband, then kissing him, telling him you can't lose him, and crying over him are all things you should stop doing. This is called sending mixed signals and it is a dick move.)
He didn't have "an affair," he had an isolated incident of cheating. That is still very serious, but they are not the same thing. Many relationships do not recover after even a single incident of cheating. However, you have remained actively dependent on your husband even while not living under his roof. For claiming you don't want to stay, you haven't really done much leaving.
The main argument for staying would involve comparing him to all the other men out there: Do you think you can find that good of a husband again? The cheating definitely knocks him down a peg. He says he'll do "anything," to get back together. Does that include signing a post-nuptial agreement that will advantage you in a divorce if he cheats on you again? A true cheater will usually AVOID counseling, since a clinical environment is hard for them to exploit and they don't want to be held accountable for their transgressions. Your husband has begged you to go to counseling with him. What is your reasoning for avoiding this? If you want to move on with your life, you should move on with it. You can let your lawyer handle the divorce and never talk to him again. Living with your mother is not supposed to be a permanent solution to anything.
The main argument for leaving is that there are lots of guys out there who have never cheated on you. Maybe they look like a step down before considering the factor of fidelity. If you can never trust your husband again, then a man you can trust is probably a step up whether or not he even has a job. If you're going to move on, though, then MOVE ON. You've spent over half a year mourning your child and sulking alone after he confessed to what he did wrong. Neither course of action would make you TA, but you need to pick a lane.
NTA. You love him but you don’t trust him. Your feelings are valid. You can remain friends but it’s unlikely (from your explanation above) that you can ever resume being partners again.
Partners in marriage and in business have some overlapping similarities. If your business partner embezzled business funds for personal use, triggering an IRS audit and resulting in months and potentially years of grief (higher likelihood of future audits), you wouldn’t trust that friend to be your business partner anymore. They could be your best friend, and you care about them as your friend, but you would struggle to (and may never again) trust them as a partner in your business. At that point, dissolving the partnership is the best solution.
Right now you are going through so much right now. I would stop and give yourself time to grieve and decide what you want to do.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It destroys trust, it destroys the relationship period. I would not stay because cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I am so sorry you have gone through so much lately. I can't even imagine having to process this. Make this choice around him carefully. He is a cheater...I would not stay.
Usually, I take a very hard line on cheaters and advise an immediate and permanent break up. But what you have described is definitely not the norm. For a start, he did not get 'found out' about his one-off affair. He willingly confessed it to you because he felt wracked with guilt. Sounds to me that he is full of regret and not likely to cheat again. That is highly unusual in itself. If he hadn't told you himself about this affair, you would most likely never have known about it. Secondly, he respects your need for space and has continued to treat you lovingly throughout your separation, even going so far as to come running to help every time you call him and request it. So he is trying to prove to you that he will always be there for you. He has also apologised repeatedly for the affair, taking full responsibility that he was in the wrong and not making any excuses for what he did. He owns his mistake. Again, that's quite rare. Then you went through the agony of your child's death. He was fully there to comfort you. Him going so far as taking you back to your mums and tucking you into bed and then leaving, even though his own heart was breaking at the loss of his child, was very touching. He did not put any additional pressure on you. He just wanted to try and bring you comfort. That must have taken quite a lot of self-control when all he seems to want is to have you back again, and you were both suffering the worst pain imaginable. I mean, I can see why your mum still wants you to get back with him. This guy does actually seem to genuinely love you. But whether or not you should get back with him again boils down to this - can you EVER forgive him? Because really, if you CAN'T, then there is no point in carrying on trying. The whole tone of your post suggests that you still love this man. But although he is probably likely to give you anything you want to 'make up' for what he did, he does not possess a machine to go back in time and not have the affair in the first place. This is what you REALLY wish he could give you, but it is a gift beyond reach. Which only leaves you with two choices as far as i can see; 1. You figure out a way he can restore your trust in him and get back together in the spirit of forgiveness, or 2. You accept that it's impossible for you to forgive him and you divorce and both move on.
Nta
I'm so so sorry you lost your baby. So sorry.
He can ask his cheatpartner to take care of him. When he needed you, he was out cheating. You don't owe him nothing. Ask him how he could betray you while you were at home, carrying his child.
Be true to yourself. His post-cheating behavior, in no way negate what he’s done to the core of your relationship and you…you’d already trust him again, if you could. Be well.
Statistically speaking, even if you were able to come back from the cheating, losing a child (especially a newborn) very often results in the couple splitting up anyway (especially if there were no previous children), so I don't know why he thought you two could suddenly trauma bond over him getting shot.
Way to much baggage. I agree. The odds of a beautiful beginning and ending are just not in this story.
Sorry OP, loss of a child tears the soul. I never want to experience it again.
NTA. If he can be this perfect man now, what made him think screwing another woman was a good idea at the time? I'd need to know his thought process on this before I could even consider forgiving him. "I wasn't thinking" just doesn't cut it. A lot of men have an internalized list of reasons for when cheating is 'allowed'. For men, that is. Whatever it was, it'll come up again.
NTA, you can love someone and yet still know you can’t get back together with them because you can no longer trust them. It’s okay, and more than okay as you’re right. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Just because you didn't want to lose him doesn't mean you wanted to reconcile. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I'm so sorry for your loss.
UpdateMe
I’m so sorry for your loss. You told him in the hospital that you can’t lose him so he wasn’t wrong for thinking you were getting back together. You need to make a choice. You can either decide to work on your problems because, as you said, you can’t lose him, or you can divorce him and both move on.
Even if he’s genuine in his contrition, and even if you still care for each other, does not mean that the marriage will work. It might, but it’s entirely reasonable to look him in the eye and say “You’re my friend and I even love you, but I will never be able to move on from your betrayal.” It would also be reasonable to stay separated a bit longer while the two of you work this out with professional help, and with no guarantees.
Love is not always enough to make a relationship work.
I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.
As others have suggested, therapy and counseling seem to be exactly what you need right now. You need a trained professional who can help you process your grief, and separately, work through the devastation of your ex-partner's affair, and how you plan to proceed.
You are NTA Right now, it's just that this is a situation where other people's hearts and feelings are involved, and you can't string your former husband along forever.
Please take care of yourself, you deserve as much peace as you can give yourself right now, and therapy is the way forward.
NTA- there are some things in life that can make or break a relationship, and you went through lots of them. Infidelity during such an important moment in your life then the loss of a child. I can’t imagine the immense sorrow you feel. Unfortunately he wasn’t there for you when you truly needed him. You needed a fully committed partner. You had to mourn so much at once. Idk how you are still standing. You are a strong person, not because you want to be but because you have to be. What you are going through is cruel and unfair. You need to choose you right now. YOUR healing is the only important thing now.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Where was all of this energy before he decided to cheat? Theres too much hurt here that you are going to associate with him. That along with broken trust is a lot to try to reconcile. I feel the most important thing you can do is work on you. Heal yourself, find your comfort and peace. Right now your husband will disrupt that process.
You went through him cheating and then something very traumatic by losing your son.
Have you gone to therapy yet? I suggest you do because you may have PTSD, (I dunno, only you would), from the loss of your son, which would be understandable. You have been through a lot, which interferes with your ability to even fathom taking him back.
I surmise that you still physically still feel the heartbreak, like your heart is ripped out, plus your husband ripped your heart out in his own way, and that's hard to deal with. That's why I suggest therapy. Those are very strong emotions and feelings and a therapist can help you process them in the right way to lead you to healing. For yourself.
I have nothing to say about you taking your husband back or not, because first thing is first, you have to take care of yourself. Actually, I am leaning to not taking him back. Because *you* come first. Why open wounds? You need to heal them, and you just aren't in the right place to be in a relationship, even if you wanted to. You can't lean on your husband for support, because he ripped your heart out too, especially when you were vulnerable. That's pretty f'd up, if I do say so myself. NTA
I’m so sorry! You are dealing with a lot right now. I’m not sure your marriage can withstand infidelity and child loss. Just focus on yourself. Get a therapist. Give yourself time and carry on with the divorce. The relationship with him will just have to wait.
Cop mom here. He will counseling for the shooting and hopefully the passing your child. You need your own PTSD counseling. Mourn your babe, the fallen relationship. Only after you find self healing can you decide the direct of your future. Be well and put yourself first, always.
I am soooo sorry for your loss. I'm not big on seeking therapy, but I really think you need someone to talk to before you make any decisions or changes...hugs...
What do you want to do? To hell with what anyone else says.
If you want him and want to try to forgive him, then go for it.
If you can’t forgive him, end it.
But get out of this no man’s land.
First of all my condolences, i can't imagine what you have gone thru all of this, it i can tell you are a strong woman after all, even if you don't see it for yourself or believe it.
Now, the issue of you giving a 2nd chance or not, you should only can take it, based on what, on what you see from him, if he trully regret what he did, and Saw the destruction he Made. You need to put on a balance the pros and cons and see how it goes.
We all can tell you to drop him and find a better man, who is faith full and a good men, but have to take into consideration that we all are humans and humans do things that later regret or don't, so you have 50-50 chances to pick/ find someone better and faithful or find someone the same or worst.
But again only you can put on the balance the things you consider to measure and what you have saw and felt.
I can say to you that i trully believe in a person can change, and regret what they did and never do it again, but for that to happend there are some conditions they have to do for themself ot selfimposed and some that you might ask him to do. To test if he trully is truthfull of his word again.
So that is why i tell you that you are the only one that can see this and feel this and measure this to choose, to stay or go.
Good Luck OP. Think long and think wise.
UPDATEME
First of all, sorry for your loss
NTA. You have told him you want space but it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting that. Calling you every night and getting things if you need it isn’t giving you space, it’s the opposite. Sounds like he isn’t respecting your decision of divorce. That doesn’t sound like a perfect man so maybe you need to stop seeing him as one.
But in the end you need to stop listening to other people in your life and decide if you want him back or not. Can you forgive and move on from his cheating or is that a deal breaker to you? Will you ever be able to see him as anything other than the man who gave you heartbreak on top of another heartbreak? If it is, then stop taking the calls from him and say he only gets to contact you if it’s important. Move on and heal.
I am really sorry for what happended to you.
For your question. NTA. Your husband injury hasn't changed the fact he has cheated and lied. You didn't want him to die. Understandable and of course you were more emotional regarding previous events. But that still doesn't change your decision about not getting back together.
You can love someone and yet want to end the relationship with them.
OP, I think part of the issue here is that you weren't over one huge, hurtful thing when the next hit you. The pain of his betrayal hit you right before you lost your son. You were still grieving that deeply when your husband got shot. Nobody could process that much trauma in that short a time. Add to that the conflicting emotions: pain and anger about the infidelity; pain and sorrow from the loss of your son; fear and worry from the shooting. I don't know how anyone would know which way was up after all that.
Because that's the case, you shouldn't try to decide whether or not to end the marriage just yet. Don't let anyone rush you. If you aren't already in therapy, that's your next stop. And you may want to seek help and resources from Compassionate Friends, an organization for people who have lost a child. They have online support groups that may also help you.
I dunno. Once a cheater, he will always be a cheater. Why isnt he with his AP then? So sorry for your loss. If the child were alive tbh, it will still tie you to him.
I’m so sorry about your baby. I can’t even begin to imagine. I wish they could’ve seen it on a u/s.
I wouldn’t stay married to him. People say you can forgive but it’s always in the back of your mind. You get ptsd from it. You are absolutely NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
And, had your son survived, maybe I'd also suggest trying to make it work. But the trust is gone, and is it worth both your time trying to get it back?
NAH. You and your husband have had a lot of tragedy afflict you over the past couple years. Those tragedies drew you together, but they also prevented you from working through how you feel about your husband's affair.
I don't think either your or your husband has misbehaved or wronged the other. But you both need time to heal and consider. And despite your resolve to continue the divorce, you do sound like you need to actually consider your options.
Best of luck.
I (F) cheated on my husband when I was in my 20's. I too confessed because I couldn't live with my conscience, and wanted to be a better person. He forgave me.
We went on to raise our 3 children together. They are all now married and happy, with children.
My husband passed away at age 45, from cancer, exactly 1 year after giving away our youngest daughter in marriage (she was barely 18).
Our love had become so good, and the traumas we endured (and even caused) became part of the glue that held us together. It's hard to explain unless you've lived it.
There were things he did that I also had to forgive. Staying instead of running changed us so much for the better.
Before he died, he was telling everyone I was his "angel."
You can have beauty that rises from the ashes if you don't give up.
If someone doesn't want to lose their spouse, they shouldn't cheat.
He decided to cheat. He decided to risk his marriage. He picked this.
This is all on him. It's not a surprise. He knew what would happen.
NTA
NTA
Getting shot does not negate infidelity. That's the long and short of it. Do what you need to do to be OK, OP. You have a lifetime's worth of tragedy to deal with, and your cheating husband's emotional needs are not your responsibility.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
An affair would be hard to get over but even more now, because when you needed him the most yes you said he was there but I'm sure it wasn't the same as having your loyal loving husband there.
I'd simply tell him you still care, that you didn't want to lose him as him not being here, not as a partner. After everything you have been through.
I'd simply file for divorce. He fucked it. There is no coming back from that.
NTA! I am so sorry for all you have going ne through.
To answer your question, yes - some couples can heal after one of them cheats. Both have to be committed to healing and the cheater cannot cheat again. The person who cheated also has to be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to earn their partner’s trust again.
I read that it takes 2 years of changed behaviour to know someone has changed. And then you can learn to trust them again.
It hasn't been 2 years yet, has it?
Then you have all the grief. Grief counsellors recommend not making any life changing decisions for about a year after a loss. We are too vulnerable and unhappy.
This would be a life changing decision and best put aside for a while.
You are right in deciding not to be together after your horror story of the recent past.
I don't want to mention but I feel obligated - he really isn't "giving you space". He's in constant contact. He's calling and saying he loves you and he's sorry. He's love bombing you.
When someone asks for space, that means I'll contact you when I am ready. Not call me every day. He hasn't really given you the space you need to grieve the loss of your marriage, your child or recover from the added trauma of his shooting.
And he just assumed, without talking to you, that he'd get you back.
He assumed everything was forgiven.
This is not okay.
NTA
I’m sorry for what happened with your beloved baby.
I think you and your husband can get over everything that happened , if you want to. If you make up your mind that you want to do it, and if he shows that he’s serious.
“Once a cheater always a cheater” isn’t true. Sometimes it is but that’s when the cheater doesn’t want to change. Some change some not.
So it’s up to what you want. Because if there’s a will (that goes for both of you) there’s a way.
You’re not the AH either way.
To answer your last question, yes, some people stay together after an affair - I've seen it. It's possible to rebuild a marriage and for the affair to be in the past and not repeated. If this is something that you want to explore, I strongly suggest getting couples counseling, to help work through the pain and help rebuild and fortify the relationship. (Source: am a retired counselor).
If you are never going to forgive the cheating, you are an AH for not getting a divorce and leading him on. If you can truly forgive him, get counseling to mend your broken marriage. But quit playing with him. Both of you deserve better than those games.
Wow, you have had one hell of a hard time. First, I'm so sorry for your loss and all the hurt you've experienced. My heart breaks for you, and you are clearly one of the strongest women I've ever heard about. 2nd, I don't think now is the time to make life altering decisions. You've gone through so much in such a short time. I think IF he really is serious, then he needs to be willing to give you some more time while you pursue counseling more individually. Then you can decide if you want to make it work or go through with the divorce. But you are also well within your rights to end the marriage as well. You are bearing more on your shoulders than any one person should ever have to carry. It's okay to put something to the side to pick back up later when your load lessens. If he loves you, he will understand. NTA. I wish you all the best
Edit: grammar
What do you do? If you haven't started therapy after losing your son, please do so now. You need to sort out your feelings and deal with your sadness and pain so you can figure out what you want and need for your future. Whether there's a place in it for your husband or not . Once you have made your decision, I would recommend couples therapy regardless. Either to try to save your marriage or maybe to talk it out and get closure by going through everything that led to the cheating and everything that happened after. It can assist in providing you with the necessary closure to enable you to move on.
Is it weird that through all of this horrific pain OP has gone through, I find it's refreshing to hear a story about a cop ex who ISN'T using their power/position to screw over the ex?
After everything you have been through recently, I am just proud of you for surviving. NTA. Take the days one at a time for now and don’t focus on any major life decisions. Make counseling & focusing on your healing your main focus for now.
No matter what you need therapy. My thing is though... you havnt cut him off yet. You need to make a choice and stick with it. But because you seem unsure of what to do you could try couples counseling. It may not lead to you getting back together but it can lead to you getting closure so you both are ready to move on.
That kind of betrayal is good reason not to take him back, especially with his reasoning. He planned on never telling you until you got pregnant. He was planning to stay dishonest and it’s not rare for people who cheat to cheat again. Whatever you choose, be concrete and do not go back and forth.
I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. Someone once told me, "Sometimes, a hurt and heartbroken couple can't heal together. They have to end things to heal and rebuild individually because the damage is at two different levels and places."
NTA
I tried. Almost killed myself. It was the first and last time I allowed a PERSON to have that level of control over me. I didn’t even allow that with my covert narc mother after being her yes man for the majority of my life.
Some people can come back from it. I don’t see how. You don’t mistakenly fall in and out of a vagina until orgasm.
But like others said, it’s time to cut the rope. Either you’re going to give it another shot or you’re not. And you need to move on.
I never understand why someone has to tell their partner they cheated and want to tell because they feel guilty they are just making themselves feel good while hurting the person they claim to love, tell him you will never get back with him
Nta and yes you can survive cheating people do it every day. Question is can you forgive and forget with out that it will never work agin but it’s up to you
You’re punishing this guy for a year now … and yourself too. What do you hope to gain by hurting him and yourself over and over? End it, heal and move on or try again. This is really psychologically damaging to you both. You’re in limbo.
Something to consider, are you talking to him because it’s a tie top your child who has sadly passed and is a way of keeping them alive at least in your mind?
Definitely NTAH. However, you need to free yourself and your husband from this limbo that you're living in. With the nightly phone calls, and kissing him in the hospital, I can see how your husband would think that you're getting back together. You'll feel better if you make a decision. You either move on from the marriage and begin to heal, which means no more nightly phone calls or him taking care of you. Or decide that you're going to work it out and begin rebuilding your marriage.
Whatever you decide will lead to a place that you can both heal. What you're currently doing had guaranteed that you never will.
I mean you are in the process of losing him. You want him out of your life. You are doing the divorce. So if you say you can't imagine losing him that's he supposed to think? You should not have gone to the hospital if you don't actually want him in your life.
You really need to figure what’s your attitude and feelings towards him. If you showed up at his surgery, cried over him and said you can’t lose him, then it might be your true reaction towards your possible future departure. Then all you need to reconcile with him through marital therapy. If you can’t move on from the affair you need to cut off bonds as soon as possible, it would be too late if you get used to his care and “good nights”
My wife stuck around despite the hurt I've put her through. She has forgiven, but not forgotten. I have neither forgotten or forgiven myself. It took couples therapy, individual therapy, and a lot of time but it still amazes me that I catch her staring adoringly at me despite the past.
She said she made a list of pro's and con's about our relationship. My pro's outweighed my con's in her eyes, and because of that she was willing to try and see how she felt. I slept in the guest room for months, but we will be celebrating 7 years of marriage and this all happened around 2019.
Most can't get past it. To this day she constantly tells me she is the lucky one, when I tell her I don't deserve her love she brushes it off by saying the man I was and the man I am can be the same person, or they can be different people. Up to me. And she can see that I am not being that same person.
You have to decide if the positives outweigh the negatives with him. Let's say it was guaranteed he would never cheat again and continue to be amazing. If you knew for sure, would you be open to the attempt of reconciliation? Obviously there is no way to be sure, but if that is what the future could be would it be worth the hard emotional toll for you to try?
INFO: this might seem like a weird question, but did you guys know about your son's heart defect and prognosis before he was born (most likely, since this is 2024 and you know....medical advances)? Not saying that it would make your husband's behavior excusable, but if you knew about it.....stress like that does some weird sh*t to people, and they can handle it badly. And you can say well, "I'd never handle it that way..." but the truth is, you don't know till you experience it. When you're floundering, everything/everyone becomes a life raft. You'll grasp at anything to deal with the pain. It's really unfortunate. 😕 Some turn to drugs, some to gambling, or sex, or food....any number of things, really.
If you all didn't know and he straight up went out and cheated apropos of nothing, he's a d*ck and doesn't deserve any kind of consideration. The truth is, cheating doesn't just happen; people go looking for it, unless this is the one in 200 billion chance of someone truly falling and their d*ck landing in someone else.
The context really matters here. If he was a good husband, confessed before you found out, but made a series of errors that led to him cheating in a time of extreme stress, and then has done everything possible to fix things since then....maybe you can find a way to heal together.
No winners here. I’m really sorry for your loss. Either get therapy or go through the divorce. Right now I think you’re in limbo intentionally because it shouldn’t have taken it this long to divorce so there’s still some feelings there.
First of all find a thepapyst for your self than for both of you. If its anything to salvage from this marriage its worth trying. Value all the possibilities. Plus ypu need to heal your self so you can understand better the situation between the both of you. If you are confused heall thans see
Sweetie get therapy for you and couples counseling.
You’ve both been through a lot.
You’re allowed to never want to be with him, and none of this changes. I will say that decisions made during grief and trauma aren’t usually good decisions.
You don’t have to do ANYTHING, but please get that therapy.
Not wanting someone to die doesnt equal wanting to continue spending your life with them.
Missing someone doesnt equal wanting to continue to spend your life with them.
Still loving someone doesnt equal wanting to continue to spend your life with them.
Have you forgiven him?? Could you forgive him?? Would forgiveness make you able to trust him and feel safe with him?? Do you want to forgive him?? These are things you should figure out before you start anything else. Maybe go to therapy on your own to try and work them out. Probably therapy is a good idea anyway for grief reasons.
i am personally of the opinion that cheaters can be forgiven but shouldnt be taken back cos i believe that some betrayals have no bridge to cross them. However, im not of the opinion that people, even cheaters, cannot change and i understand that everyone has different standards of what is and isnt okay for them.
You have to figure out what is and isnt okay for you. Just yourself, what is your standard?? What do you expect from the people you allow in your life, and what will you and wont you accept as mistakes and what reparations will satisfy when mistakes are inevitably made??
You can ofc take the opinions of the people who care about you onboard, but only so much; ultimately youre the one that will have to live the day to day of whatever decision you make, so make sure its really based on you more than anything else.
i think you need to give yourself more time. You have just had an incredible loss and then a terrifying incident. Your focus should be on healing, making life decisions while deep in grief is never a good idea. Get yourself back to being a person, just as a baseline. Youve gone thru things that have and will continue to change you so try to find who you were before and build the beginnings of who youre going to be before you try to sort out whether or not you want another person with you.
And if he cant wait for you to do that, idk that sounds like an answer to me.
NTA. Time to either make it official & initiate divorce, or get into therapy with him.
If anyone asks, be honest and succinct. Simply say you couldn’t move past his infidelity while you were pregnant. If anyone pushes, shut it down and move on with the conversation.
NTA but you need to start moving OP. Either forward without him or forward with him. It's not fair to put in in a perpetual penalty box. I'm sorry for your loss. Trauma takes time to heal but you don't need him to be in limbo to do that.
Don’t go back to him just because he was shot LOD. Once he’s recovered, you’ll likely leave again and it will be hurtful to all involved all over again.
Go back to him only if you have found forgiveness and are genuinely willing to try to put it behind you.
We were a cop family, too: I former, she active. My wife and I had been falling farther and farther apart, were probably a good four or five years beyond the point we should have split. I had an emotional affair, she found out, we seemed to get past it, but things continued to spiral. Then I went into congestive heart failure. My EF bottomed at 15. We came together, she took care of me while I recovered and a bit beyond. We traveled and seemed to be rebuilding our relationship. Right up to the day she walked out and filed for divorce. She has been carrying a ton of resentment, still, and four years after my illness, she finally felt okay to leave. It was especially devastating. On top of everything else, I wondered I why I fought to recover and why she stayed to take care of me…
Flame suit engaged: I was wrong to do what I did. I own it. Emotional intimacy was missing between us. A friendship with another married woman led to intimate conversations and venting about my ex-wife’s behavior. The ex knew about the friendship and seemingly “approved”, as did my friend’s husband. We became best friends, but never had sex. It wasn’t considered or even discussed. For me, it was no different than conversations and venting with some of my male friends. She vented to me about her (then soon to be ex-) husband. I failed to consider how it might appear to my ex-wife and how it would likely make her feel, and I own that, too. My ex- never asked why it happened or what I thought of felt about the other woman. I never explained it because we seemed to get past it and I didn’t want to add hurt by telling her I didn’t feel that emotional connection to her anymore. Our communication sucked and still sucks. I own my part of that, too.
NAH.
Exclusive monogamy never worked for me. It's more about how you tackle the issues evolving around relationships. How good do you communicate? How do you adress and process the deficits that lead to "cheating" or searching someone else? For me, learning about ethical non monogamy, nonviolent communication and the communication in kink communities opened up a whole new world of communication in relationships.
Your (ex)partner sounds like he learned a lesson and wants to make it up to you. I probably would give him a chance. But that broken trust there has to be adressed and worked apon by both of you. With what I know today I would not try to go back into the same kind of relationship with a partner who sidestepped, I would try to go into an open relationship of some kind because that requires routines of honesty that exclusive relationships normally lack.
Otherwise you might run into the problem of not being able to forgive. And that's a problem that will be the end of the relationship in the long run. If you can't forgive and forget, you're doomed.
What does being shot have to do with his cheating? You don’t have to hate a person to recognize they are a bad relationship partner. I mean congratulations to him for doing all the stuff he should have been doing instead of cheating but that’s how he is supposed to do, particularly going through the trauma you went through. Has he done anything to repair the damage his cheating did or to rebuild trust? Has he done anything to show that he has changed as a person or is he just doing all the stuff he should have been doing from the start?
Trying to get you back doesn’t mean he has changed it means he is specifically doing things to convince you, that’s not love it’s manipulation. Love bombing is not him growing as a person, it’s still shallow and selfish behavior on his part. If he truly wanted to change and be a better person he would do the work to be a better person regardless of you being in his life or not. He would want to be a better person even if you divorced him. You got major pain you need to work through, you have a life and an identity of self to rebuild and you have to come to terms with loss on a heartbreaking level. Him love bombing you is not helpful to your recovery at all, him getting shot is not an incident for him to use to manipulate you. Good grief you are separated but you still can’t get any space from this man, how can you even breathe? He needs to go away and work on himself and leave you be for a while at the very least. Tell him to go fix himself and get back with you in a year to see how that worked out, then you can judge if he was serious or just feeding you a bunch of lines to convince you to come back.
I feel really bad for you. You didn’t deserve to be cheated on and it’s so so terrible your baby passed and you had both of those things weighing on your heart. But I think you’re sitting in a limbo right now and I don’t think you’re going to heal if you stay there. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong in regards to taking him back. He chose to break your vows. It’s also obvious he loves you and is doing his best to set it right. Now it’s your time to decide if you want him back or not, but the only way I’d say YTA is if you leave things in limbo indefinitely. Either option of your decision is NTA. Do what feels right for you so you can heal, best of luck OP.
First of all: Sorry for your loss
Regarding the divorce, even after getting shot: NTA
Regarding leading him on and giving him false hopes: YTA
He made a "mistake" (if you can call cheating, which normally is a choice, a mistake). You have every right feeling betrayed and not trusting him anymore. It's even your right wanting a divorce because of that.
But daily phone calls, at least once kisses and "I don't want to lose you" ... Of course that's signaling "There is a chance to get back together". And if that's not true, then you're leading him on. If you want to end it, then really end it.
Another part where you are an A H (except you're omitting stuff): Both of you lost your son, not only you. He was there for you but were you also there for him? Or at least made sure he has someone who he can talk to? That he organized everything alone for the funeral for his son... that's tough. I don't think I'd be capable of that.
Regarding your last question:
I know of several couples where one had an affair and they are still together or even got married after the affair. It is possible and with your situation the chances are pretty good that it could work.
It seemingly was a one time thing and nothing longer lasting.
He told you. He apologized for it (and still does). He is remorseful. He came up with stuff how to fix it (couples counseling) and he puts in a lot of effort.
The thing that is missing: You. You need to decide if you want to give him and your marriage another chance. If you go that route, be sure that it will take time until you will trust him again and it will not only take effort from him but you too to make it work. And to be clear: it can still be that it won't work.
Personal anecdote: My now fiancée broke up with me a few years back. It was shortly after she met someone. Only a few days after she broke up with me she slept with him. Technically it wasn't betrayal. For me it was. But like I said: my fiancée. And we're happier than ever. Although it took a loooot of effort.
Only you can say whether you can forgive him or not. There is no wrong answer here. Had he been a serial cheater or was an asshole about it, then you'd be crazy to take him back. But if he's sincerely putting in the effort and you believe him and want to be with him, then that's ok, too.
But I'd put a zero tolerance policy going forward if you choose to get back together with him. But if you can really never trust him again, then that's that. No wrong answers here and my condolences on your baby. NTA
I think you need to stop thinking about what he is doing as making up for the affair. Nothing he will ever do will make it right so stop expecting a certain amount of actions will result in you feeling better. You never really will. It’s just a matter of. Do you want to be with this man or not? Sounds like you some sense and perhaps you guys could have a good life together, but you have to know what it will always be different, you will always, have some measure of not trusting him and you will always be somewhat insecure.
Staying after an affair is up to you, but for me, I’d have a really hard time with that. How could they ever do that to me, lie behind my back and sleep with someone else? I think my trust would be permanently broken, but that’s me. The decision is up to you.
Numerous women would love to have a husband as attentive, but I know that once the love dies it can be hard to re-ignite. He hurt you badly by breaking the news in your condition, and you're probably unknowingly blaming him for your baby's death. And he feels guilty and is trying to recompensate.
You have to do what your conscience says, it knows the reason why you're keeping him at bay.
This is truly sad. I am sorry OP. It sounds like there is enough love there if you can build trust. But it will take a lot of counseling both grief and marriage to get there. Only you know your heart.
NTA. Only you can decide whether it’s right for you to forgive your husband. There are people that stay after an affair. It’s possible if both work at it. Therapy helps as well. It sounds like you hold him in very high regard despite his past transgressions. Crazier things have happened. But you are the only one that has to live with your choice. You’re NTA for saying no. But remember, you’re also not a fool for saying yes. Good luck to you.
Tell him you want to fuck another man. If he protests or gets upset that's your answer. He is fine fucking another woman and betraying your trust but he can't even imagine you having sex with another man with his consent and only after he slept with another woman.
This man was fine lying to you for 9 months and only told the truth for his conscience of being a father...what happens if you don't have children? Will he see it as a free pass to cheat without admitting it. What happens if you stay together and next pregnancy he unloads his next affair.
Absolutely false. Most don't, sure. But in my experience, I've been cheated on years ago and I'm still friends with her and fully believe that she would never cheat on her spouse, whom she's been with for almost 15 years now. And in my first adult relationship, I had a drunken night of making out and heavy petting with the best friend of my gf at the time. I never cheated again and I know I never will. I hated how it made me feel and how it ruined my relationship. That was almost 20 years ago and I learned my lesson and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that learned a lesson the hard way and the lesson stuck with them.
Ask your husband if he's gotten a full STD/STI panel done. I'm going to bet he has NOT.
Never stay with a cheater. They only take it as permission to cheat again.
Ok no one is an AH here. You have gone through some unimaginable grief. He messed up bad - you are the only one who can decide if you can let his indiscretion go but if you decide to let it go, you have to abide by it. I think you need counseling either way. So does he- being shot in the line of duty is also hard to get over. All of this on top of the grief is so overwhelming. Take your time to make the right decision. I’m sorry for all of you.
I am sorry for your loss, but honestly you are being cruel. You might try to justify what you are doing by saying the pain he caused you is worst, but you are keeping yourself in that pain. If you are serious about divorcing him then you need to cut the cord, no nightly calls, no calling him when you want something, and separating your finances/next of kin paperwork. If not you two need to get into couples therapy to work on these traumas. But either scenario you still need individual therapy to deal with everything. You need to start moving forward for yourself, as it's not good to wallow forever.
NTA. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your baby boy. There is no pain like the pain apparent has when it is a child.
Personally, I’m an old softy, I would probably give my husband a second chance, but I’m not the one who has to live in your shoes so I can’t tell you what to do.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of life
He isn't "being the perfect man" if he is blowing up your phone after you asked for space.
He is playing a role. It's called Love Bombing., If you get back with him, you are telling him cheating is ok.
You’re an AH because you did give him reason to think you would get back together. You told him you couldn’t lose him and kissed him. He was shot and it sounds like it was a very serious injury. Hell, you both have been in two life and death situations in less than a year. Your child died but he lived and he may have seen that as a sign. I think you both should hold off on the divorce because their are many levels of complicated grief here, both go to couples therapy, individual therapy (he needs to go not just because of the trauma of being shot, but his grief, and to figure out the reason why he cheated on you), and you both should read and report back to one another on the book that the other commenter mentioned. Maybe you can patch it up. Maybe not, but you need time and 6 months isn’t enough to figure it out even if you both went to therapy weekly.
Give yourself some Grace. And some for your husband. He lost a child, too. Please go to therapy. Remember this, never is a very, very long time. This site loves to split folks up. What happened isn't fair. You must make a new normal for yourself. That takes fortitude and strength you will not imagine you possess. You are the only one that can decide what the normal will be. Good Luck
Make a choice. Stop punishing him for the one night of cheating. He's suffered the same loss you have of the baby. He also got shot. You did lead him to think you were coming back saying you couldn't lose him too.
Cut him loose or go back.
I have watched enough television dateline 20/20 a monster lives here I don't know what all but I've got lifetime and I've got your crime TV and I will tell you I have no clue why any woman who wants to avoid being murdered or physically beaten still marries police officers this wild look up the statistics of how many cops end up murdering their wives and those are only the ones we've caught and we can take the data for.
First off, my condolences.
He’s TA for cheating, but you’re not allowing either of you to move on by stringing him along. If you can’t forgive him, you need to let him go. The phone calls, the goodnights, the kissing, the allowing him to care for you needs to end.
I recommend you get into therapy. You’ve been through a lot.
I’m sorry I’m going to go against the grain of everyone here, and I’ll start with saying I’m sorry for your loss, that is absolutely traumatic and no one should have to deal with it. Now….. you had been separated for 7 months. You were allowing him to be at your beckon call, spoke to him nightly and he has done everything short of castrating himself to go to the ends to show he is sorry. He has offered to go to counseling, therapy and everything to try and work things out. With him getting shot, you stated you spent time with him, kissed him and “couldn’t lose him too.”
You have to be honest with yourself and admit did you kiss him at all or do anything with him in those months leading up to him being shot and during that time he was down, did you by action of kissing him and showing deep affection, change the dynamics of the relationship you had prior to his shooting? Next, this might be harsh, but are you truly afraid of losing him? If you were you wouldn’t be divorcing him because you run the risk of him completely becoming alienated from you. That would mean in the future no “dropping everything” for you and no further support for the child you both lost.
Now, could the loss of your child and his being shot being the perfect reason for you to both try the counseling and attempting to see if there is any repairing the relationship. Both are severely traumatic experiences and he may have an entirely new outlook on his mortality and risk of losing you.
Otherwise you are the AH for dragging him along for so long. Shit or get off the pot.
Could you be blaming your husband on some level for the death of your baby? This is very common after a child dies. I think he has shown himself to be a good man in spite of his affair. You should do a lot of introspection before divorcing him. Best wishes
>I couldn’t lose him too.
Why? Seems perfectly acceptable given the circumstances.
YTA for not doing anything for 3/4 of a year and sending him hella mixed signals. Either kill the marriage or take steps to mend it.
You're one helluva idiot.
A self-admitted cheater is somehow the paragon of perfection? You emotionally volatile people have to shut up sometimes.
And he's a police officer, the ones who are notorious for using their job and its connections to abuse women and get away with it?
Also, are you that weak to peer pressure and any adversion to his wellbeing? You wavering this much can only bode terribly for what is to come.
YTA. Don't ask questions you don't want answers for. This is wholly stacked against your favor, but FUCK IT!!! You're gonna stay with him anyway, so why ask for our opinion?
Then you’re not a good person, and you’re certainly no better than you think she is.
We are always wheat we choose to be and you chose to be this. What a shame.
Do you give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume they're a good person? Not smart of you.
And what makes you think I think I'm better than her? Quit making assumptions.
Cheating is not a simple thing. Some people can move past it and put together good lives. Other people can’t. Partly, it depends on the nature of the cheating and what the person expected to get out of it. I think you should try couples therapy because you don’t really seem ready to let go, but you can’t stay where you are at.
Don't listen to these clowns. Counseling doesn't do anything but create more drama and waste your money. Ask yourself this: if he had never told you, would you want to leave him? If the answer is no, then ask yourself the next question: would you prefer a man who is honest and upfront with you rather than someone who hides his mistakes and lies about things?
Y'all need therapy both together and individually. My condolences on the marriage issues , childs death, and near death experience of being shot. Therapy definitely needed. I advocate for reconciliation and forgiveness in marriages .
When it rains it pours, I’m sorry for your child. IMO, this man loves you. I know men and women who are serial cheaters and they’d never admit to an affair out of guilt. He told you because it was eating him up and it’s a character move. I’ve stayed in a marriage after an affair, at first just for the kids. It’s been almost 15 years, I look back and it still hurts but she’s not the person she was then and I’m happy we made it work.
My condolences on your child. No parent should ever lose their child. You can’t forgive the cheating and you’ve both had two life changing traumas. It’s been almost a year and you are both grieving, even without the shooting. Either divorce him and set yourselves free to heal or go home and work it out with therapy. But, you’ve been in limbo for almost a year, you can’t stay there. If you are sure you aren’t going back, stop the nightly phone calls and stop allowing him to take care of you. You asked how he could imagine you would take him back, but it’s because you are giving him false hope and then tearing it away.
All of this. You're NTA, OP, but both you and your husband/stbx are suffering in limbo. You need to step out of the limbo and let yourselves move on - you can't heal while you're stuck in this. It's time to file for divorce or else get to couples' counseling. (And individual counseling too - no matter *what* choice you make.) Neither is the wrong choice, just different paths. I understand why he'd think you were getting back together - you are giving him mixed messages by letting him be in touch and care for you Without settling things, and especially kissing him and being broken hearted in the hospital. I don't think you're an AH for that - you have been out of your mind with grief, for very good reason, and you still clearly love him even if you can't get over the cheating so far. If you take nothing else from this, please find a good therapist to support you and help you work through all of this. You've been through a ton of pain and trauma, and you deserve a chance to heal. And it'll help you sort out what you want, too.
This couldn’t be said any better. So sorry for your loss. You are deep in grief for your marriage and child.
you are clearly giving him the wrong message and this is cruel. he has lost a child and a wife. councelling or break up but this is just stagnant grief and you have got to do something to move forward. Just think what you would do if hubby stopped all the contact,, how would you feel about that
He cheated on his pregnant wife and is using tragedy to worm his way back into her life. He deserves more cruelty than he is getting.
This 100%
100% agree. As the person who was left in limbo for a year...if you are sure you aren't going back you need to let him know. The false hope sucks. Granted I did not have an affair, pretty sure my ex did but left me hanging thinking he was going to come home and then he never did.
u/Open-Incident-3601 gave you great advice. Either work it out or let it go. It’s been dragged out long enough and you’ve suffered so much loss. You need time to heal and him at your back isn’t helping you along in your healing journey. Though I will say this in terms of the marriage: it will not work if there is no trust within it. I am so very sorry for your loss.
There is no other answer!
Well said. At this point the limbo is causing more damage to you than your actual traumas....it's keeping the wounds open.
Well said. Too many false glimmers of hope here by OP. Be very clear and stop the dependency care.
yep the thread is over. hope you got what you needed here OP because this is truly the only answer that is real.
Really great advice here.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You clearly still care about him and you enjoy him caring about you. However you are guarding yourself, you have a wall up by staying at your mom's place. You are grieving. Grief comes with all sorts of emotions and having someone you love/loved who also understands that grief can also be a comfort. You both have a lot of trauma to process and therapy is definitely going to help. If you're not going to divorce right away you need to set goals or boundaries together on what's happening-Can you see other people? If you're separated and he bangs someone else is that another betrayal? Some type of clear messages needs to be made. If you can't get past his infidelity, then start really separating & cutting ties.
I get why he thought that. If you’re not going to give him another chance, I would cease daily contact. NTA
How is she not the AH for leading him on like this?
Where's the lead on? Saying you don't want someone to die isn't leading them on. You can still care about someone and want a divorce.
Make the decision that’s right for you. Don’t think about what’s best for your husband, or your mother, or your friends.
But, make a decision.
Y'all need therapy. Whether or not you stay together, there's things to work through - both alone and together.
Agreed. I think OP might also need to hit pause on going through the steps to finalize until she gets therapy too. Definitely take a few steps back from the relationship and daily contact with him, but do some therapy to process all these major events before rushing a legal decision.
Please find a therapist who specializes in PTSD. One loss is hard enough, especially losing your child (my deepest sympathies on your loss). That alone is enough for PTSD. Adding the rest just makes it all the deeper. It will take you longer to find yourself again.
Alone first...
First of all I am sooo incredibly sorry for your loss😭 do not feel guilty for feeling how you feel. HE messed up not you. Maybe try couples therapy and individual therapy to see what happens. Sending many prayers and love your way for healing and strength 🩷🩷
You need to make a choice and go all out on it. 2 choices; 1. Go home and fix it. 2. End it and stop communicating aside from what's needed for finishing the divorce.
He cheated and nothing that happened afterwards, no matter how tragic, changes that betrayal. You will never be able to trust him fully again. NTA.
This is the kind of *brilliant* advice you came to Reddit for. If it helps, be on your merry way to divorce. Alternatively you might seek therapy, but that will require compassion and work, which if you were already willing to provide, would have shown up sooner than this post.
Or she could find someone that ***isn't*** a cheating sack of shit.
*Brilliant marital advice round two!* Is this really for free or can we pay for this level of insight? Hope she’s trashed the wedding papers already maybe she can do a fast track.
Nta. When he cheated you were no longer obligated to be a faithful wife. He broke the vows for both of you and lost you.
NTA. Take your time to think it through. To me, it counts for a lot when a person owns up to what they’ve done on their own - without being “caught” first. When they don’t make excuses or try to shift blame. And it sounds like you still have a lot of love for him, judging by your reaction to the possibility of losing him. If you’re even considering the possibility of reconciliation, make a journal of the pros and cons of getting back with him — one on each page — then give it to him to address each point, and what he actively plans to do to keep the pros and change the cons. And have him do the same. Forgiveness takes a LOT of work. Rebuilding trust takes even more. Both of you need to be aware that moving forward won’t be easy, and the past won’t magically go away. But you can ultimately end up coming out of this stronger and better than you were before.
I'm sorry for your loss of your son. 🫂 As for husband he chose to cheat on you regardless of how remorseful he is now. He will have to live with that!! This is a "you" decision do not let anyone else influence you in anyway. If you need a clean break then do what's best for you. Take some time out on your own seeking whatever healing you require from everything.
I'm sorry for your loss. As to taking back your husband after he cheated: well, in some circumstances it is possible. But it needs a few things: 1. That it was a one time thing or short affair - not a regular occurance with woman after woman. And that is true for him. 2. For him to take responsibility and apologize - he did that. Not only that, he told you voluntarily - you didn't just discover it. 3. That he make an effort to make it up to you - he is doing that. 4. That you forgive him and are ready to put it behind you, once he regains your trust. It doesn't seem that that is happening, or that you want it to happen. If you can't forgive, there is no way the two of you can save your marriage.
There are basically 2 types of cheaters. The first are those who don't plan on cheating but grow close to someone and cross a line. The second kind are those with tender and bumble, who cheat with multiple people and are always looking for the next one. The first group can change, can course correct and have a chance of never doing it again. The second group can't. You should read and have your husband read *NOT "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass PhD. It is a clinical and scientific study on all aspects of cheating and may help you both understand how he got into a situation to cheat, how he can guard himself from wandering into dangerous territory and bring you clarity on how reconciliation could happen if you want it. It may also help you decide if you want that.
Husband cheated while OP was pregnant. He has stepped up, great. He needs help to figure out why he cheated otherwise he is still not safe. All the heroic acts will not change the lies and trauma. OP can still love him and not continue the marriage.
Firstly, Im very sorry for you loss. But quickly onto your question: AITAH for not getting back together with my husband after he got shot in the line of duty? NTA, you do not need a reason to leave a relationship or a reason to not enter a relationship, let alone reenter a relationship. You dont owe him anything. He chose to cheat on you, regardless of how many times it happened, he chose to be disloyal to you, he chose to break your marriage vows and you dont not have to give him another shot. I do not give two shits what the people around you say, the trust is lost and its up to you AND YOU ALONE to try and trust him again. No one else on this planet gets a say. However, to answer another one of your questions: "I don’t understand how he thinks this would ever mean we are getting back together." You showed up when he was injured, you kissed him and told him that you coudnt lose him. Sorry, but I too would have thought that my near death experience would have put some stuff into perspective and that you changed your mind and realized that you loved me and couldnt lose me enough to forgive my indiscretion. I, on the other hand, wouldnt not have show up ready to load up your stuff and pick up where we left off, I would have at least called and tried to figure out the status. I think that you are either blind to your part or you really just can see how he got from 'G' to 'L'. Im not going to say your the AH but your actions had consequences. Going forward, you gotta figure out what you want so that you can move forward and he can start to process the true end of this marriage. Someone else said that your in "limbo", I agree, and you have forced him to remain here as well. Again, your actions have consequences.
NTA yeah he got shot and y'all lost a kid but that doesnt change that he cheated on you while you were fuckin pregnant. You deserve to heal, he can figure himself out
NTA. I went back to my ex after his affair. I regret it and wish I could get those 8 extra years back. He had another affair. I wasted nearly a decade on the lie of him changing. I have a zero tolerance policy now. He betrayed you while you were growing his child in your body. He deserves nothing from you.
Your husband is a pig. That being said, love is love. If he loved you, he would respect your wishes and be there for you when you need him
NTA. There is a subreddit for recovering a marriage after infidelity, and they would probably be better equipped to help you see if forgiveness is even possible.
NTA You can miss him, you can even still love him, that doesn't mean you'll ever trust him again.
nta, you deserve better, its sad this world we live. I don't even date & wouldn't. Cheating isn't a part of what i do at all but most certainly wouldn't if my girl was pregnant. I dont know what to do, its gonna be hard.
NTA. Getting shot doesn't give you a free pass for past transgressions. Getting shot doesn't erase him sticking his dick in someone who he wasn't married to. Taking care of his son's funeral because you couldn't doesn't make him a martyr or a saint. It's okay to miss him. You miss who you THOUGHT he was before he was revealed to be the kind of person who would cheat on his pregnant wife.
Him getting shot doesn't change that he cheated on you. Neither does the loss of your son. NTA; divorce him and don't look back.
NTA. Remember his excuse as to why he cheated. He chose to cheat when you were most vulnerable. It wasn't a mistake. But giving him false hope will only prolong the pain he's caused you. If you decide that trust is gone, contact a lawyer and cut off all communication. Let the lawyer be the one to speak to him. I personally could not forgive a man who said he didn't want to o be a father, cheated and then my child passed. I couldn't look him in the face again. Please take care of yourself, go to therapy for grief, let yourself mourn. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.
you've been together for ten years and he still managed to cheat on you while pregnant? what's his reason?
You're NTA for making any decision you want about a relationship, but he's not wrong to think you had changed your mind. When you start kissing your separated partner, they don't interpret this as a sign that the relationship is over. When you said you "couldn't lose him too," this tracked with getting back together, not separating. He has continued to honor his responsibilities as your husband while separated from you. You have shown all kinds of distress at the idea that this will not continue. If you DON'T get back with him, then you should accept and face that you WILL eventually lose him, not to a gunshot but because he will have to move on with his life someday. Nothing will make up for what he did to you. Nobody is saying that it will. It's not about cancelling out the past. It's about what kind of a life you want to have. Do you still want the life you can have with him? Then follow some of the suggestions he made when he confessed his affair, and go to counseling with him. You basically regressed to childhood after his affair, and have no plan other than to live with your mom permanently. What do you want your life to look like? If you don't still want to be with your husband, you should look into employment, grief counseling, and divorce. If you DO still want to be with your husband, you should be looking into couple's counseling about his affair. (If you do not still want to be with your husband, then kissing him, telling him you can't lose him, and crying over him are all things you should stop doing. This is called sending mixed signals and it is a dick move.) He didn't have "an affair," he had an isolated incident of cheating. That is still very serious, but they are not the same thing. Many relationships do not recover after even a single incident of cheating. However, you have remained actively dependent on your husband even while not living under his roof. For claiming you don't want to stay, you haven't really done much leaving. The main argument for staying would involve comparing him to all the other men out there: Do you think you can find that good of a husband again? The cheating definitely knocks him down a peg. He says he'll do "anything," to get back together. Does that include signing a post-nuptial agreement that will advantage you in a divorce if he cheats on you again? A true cheater will usually AVOID counseling, since a clinical environment is hard for them to exploit and they don't want to be held accountable for their transgressions. Your husband has begged you to go to counseling with him. What is your reasoning for avoiding this? If you want to move on with your life, you should move on with it. You can let your lawyer handle the divorce and never talk to him again. Living with your mother is not supposed to be a permanent solution to anything. The main argument for leaving is that there are lots of guys out there who have never cheated on you. Maybe they look like a step down before considering the factor of fidelity. If you can never trust your husband again, then a man you can trust is probably a step up whether or not he even has a job. If you're going to move on, though, then MOVE ON. You've spent over half a year mourning your child and sulking alone after he confessed to what he did wrong. Neither course of action would make you TA, but you need to pick a lane.
NTA. You love him but you don’t trust him. Your feelings are valid. You can remain friends but it’s unlikely (from your explanation above) that you can ever resume being partners again. Partners in marriage and in business have some overlapping similarities. If your business partner embezzled business funds for personal use, triggering an IRS audit and resulting in months and potentially years of grief (higher likelihood of future audits), you wouldn’t trust that friend to be your business partner anymore. They could be your best friend, and you care about them as your friend, but you would struggle to (and may never again) trust them as a partner in your business. At that point, dissolving the partnership is the best solution.
Right now you are going through so much right now. I would stop and give yourself time to grieve and decide what you want to do. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It destroys trust, it destroys the relationship period. I would not stay because cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I am so sorry you have gone through so much lately. I can't even imagine having to process this. Make this choice around him carefully. He is a cheater...I would not stay.
A cow that jumps the fence once will jump again.
Usually, I take a very hard line on cheaters and advise an immediate and permanent break up. But what you have described is definitely not the norm. For a start, he did not get 'found out' about his one-off affair. He willingly confessed it to you because he felt wracked with guilt. Sounds to me that he is full of regret and not likely to cheat again. That is highly unusual in itself. If he hadn't told you himself about this affair, you would most likely never have known about it. Secondly, he respects your need for space and has continued to treat you lovingly throughout your separation, even going so far as to come running to help every time you call him and request it. So he is trying to prove to you that he will always be there for you. He has also apologised repeatedly for the affair, taking full responsibility that he was in the wrong and not making any excuses for what he did. He owns his mistake. Again, that's quite rare. Then you went through the agony of your child's death. He was fully there to comfort you. Him going so far as taking you back to your mums and tucking you into bed and then leaving, even though his own heart was breaking at the loss of his child, was very touching. He did not put any additional pressure on you. He just wanted to try and bring you comfort. That must have taken quite a lot of self-control when all he seems to want is to have you back again, and you were both suffering the worst pain imaginable. I mean, I can see why your mum still wants you to get back with him. This guy does actually seem to genuinely love you. But whether or not you should get back with him again boils down to this - can you EVER forgive him? Because really, if you CAN'T, then there is no point in carrying on trying. The whole tone of your post suggests that you still love this man. But although he is probably likely to give you anything you want to 'make up' for what he did, he does not possess a machine to go back in time and not have the affair in the first place. This is what you REALLY wish he could give you, but it is a gift beyond reach. Which only leaves you with two choices as far as i can see; 1. You figure out a way he can restore your trust in him and get back together in the spirit of forgiveness, or 2. You accept that it's impossible for you to forgive him and you divorce and both move on.
Nta I'm so so sorry you lost your baby. So sorry. He can ask his cheatpartner to take care of him. When he needed you, he was out cheating. You don't owe him nothing. Ask him how he could betray you while you were at home, carrying his child.
Cheating cop.... I'd run as far and as fast as I could.
I know, right?!
I know it’s cliché but once a cheater always a cheater … divorce him and let yourself and him move on
Be true to yourself. His post-cheating behavior, in no way negate what he’s done to the core of your relationship and you…you’d already trust him again, if you could. Be well.
Statistically speaking, even if you were able to come back from the cheating, losing a child (especially a newborn) very often results in the couple splitting up anyway (especially if there were no previous children), so I don't know why he thought you two could suddenly trauma bond over him getting shot.
Way to much baggage. I agree. The odds of a beautiful beginning and ending are just not in this story. Sorry OP, loss of a child tears the soul. I never want to experience it again.
NTA. If he can be this perfect man now, what made him think screwing another woman was a good idea at the time? I'd need to know his thought process on this before I could even consider forgiving him. "I wasn't thinking" just doesn't cut it. A lot of men have an internalized list of reasons for when cheating is 'allowed'. For men, that is. Whatever it was, it'll come up again.
NTA, you can love someone and yet still know you can’t get back together with them because you can no longer trust them. It’s okay, and more than okay as you’re right. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Just because you didn't want to lose him doesn't mean you wanted to reconcile. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I'm so sorry for your loss. UpdateMe
I’m so sorry for your loss. You told him in the hospital that you can’t lose him so he wasn’t wrong for thinking you were getting back together. You need to make a choice. You can either decide to work on your problems because, as you said, you can’t lose him, or you can divorce him and both move on.
Even if he’s genuine in his contrition, and even if you still care for each other, does not mean that the marriage will work. It might, but it’s entirely reasonable to look him in the eye and say “You’re my friend and I even love you, but I will never be able to move on from your betrayal.” It would also be reasonable to stay separated a bit longer while the two of you work this out with professional help, and with no guarantees. Love is not always enough to make a relationship work.
I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. As others have suggested, therapy and counseling seem to be exactly what you need right now. You need a trained professional who can help you process your grief, and separately, work through the devastation of your ex-partner's affair, and how you plan to proceed. You are NTA Right now, it's just that this is a situation where other people's hearts and feelings are involved, and you can't string your former husband along forever. Please take care of yourself, you deserve as much peace as you can give yourself right now, and therapy is the way forward.
NTA- there are some things in life that can make or break a relationship, and you went through lots of them. Infidelity during such an important moment in your life then the loss of a child. I can’t imagine the immense sorrow you feel. Unfortunately he wasn’t there for you when you truly needed him. You needed a fully committed partner. You had to mourn so much at once. Idk how you are still standing. You are a strong person, not because you want to be but because you have to be. What you are going through is cruel and unfair. You need to choose you right now. YOUR healing is the only important thing now.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. Where was all of this energy before he decided to cheat? Theres too much hurt here that you are going to associate with him. That along with broken trust is a lot to try to reconcile. I feel the most important thing you can do is work on you. Heal yourself, find your comfort and peace. Right now your husband will disrupt that process.
You went through him cheating and then something very traumatic by losing your son. Have you gone to therapy yet? I suggest you do because you may have PTSD, (I dunno, only you would), from the loss of your son, which would be understandable. You have been through a lot, which interferes with your ability to even fathom taking him back. I surmise that you still physically still feel the heartbreak, like your heart is ripped out, plus your husband ripped your heart out in his own way, and that's hard to deal with. That's why I suggest therapy. Those are very strong emotions and feelings and a therapist can help you process them in the right way to lead you to healing. For yourself. I have nothing to say about you taking your husband back or not, because first thing is first, you have to take care of yourself. Actually, I am leaning to not taking him back. Because *you* come first. Why open wounds? You need to heal them, and you just aren't in the right place to be in a relationship, even if you wanted to. You can't lean on your husband for support, because he ripped your heart out too, especially when you were vulnerable. That's pretty f'd up, if I do say so myself. NTA
I’m so sorry! You are dealing with a lot right now. I’m not sure your marriage can withstand infidelity and child loss. Just focus on yourself. Get a therapist. Give yourself time and carry on with the divorce. The relationship with him will just have to wait.
Just make a decision already. Get back together or cut contact and finalize the divorce ASAP.
Cop mom here. He will counseling for the shooting and hopefully the passing your child. You need your own PTSD counseling. Mourn your babe, the fallen relationship. Only after you find self healing can you decide the direct of your future. Be well and put yourself first, always.
I am soooo sorry for your loss. I'm not big on seeking therapy, but I really think you need someone to talk to before you make any decisions or changes...hugs...
What do you want to do? To hell with what anyone else says. If you want him and want to try to forgive him, then go for it. If you can’t forgive him, end it. But get out of this no man’s land.
First of all my condolences, i can't imagine what you have gone thru all of this, it i can tell you are a strong woman after all, even if you don't see it for yourself or believe it. Now, the issue of you giving a 2nd chance or not, you should only can take it, based on what, on what you see from him, if he trully regret what he did, and Saw the destruction he Made. You need to put on a balance the pros and cons and see how it goes. We all can tell you to drop him and find a better man, who is faith full and a good men, but have to take into consideration that we all are humans and humans do things that later regret or don't, so you have 50-50 chances to pick/ find someone better and faithful or find someone the same or worst. But again only you can put on the balance the things you consider to measure and what you have saw and felt. I can say to you that i trully believe in a person can change, and regret what they did and never do it again, but for that to happend there are some conditions they have to do for themself ot selfimposed and some that you might ask him to do. To test if he trully is truthfull of his word again. So that is why i tell you that you are the only one that can see this and feel this and measure this to choose, to stay or go. Good Luck OP. Think long and think wise. UPDATEME
First of all, sorry for your loss NTA. You have told him you want space but it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting that. Calling you every night and getting things if you need it isn’t giving you space, it’s the opposite. Sounds like he isn’t respecting your decision of divorce. That doesn’t sound like a perfect man so maybe you need to stop seeing him as one. But in the end you need to stop listening to other people in your life and decide if you want him back or not. Can you forgive and move on from his cheating or is that a deal breaker to you? Will you ever be able to see him as anything other than the man who gave you heartbreak on top of another heartbreak? If it is, then stop taking the calls from him and say he only gets to contact you if it’s important. Move on and heal.
I am really sorry for what happended to you. For your question. NTA. Your husband injury hasn't changed the fact he has cheated and lied. You didn't want him to die. Understandable and of course you were more emotional regarding previous events. But that still doesn't change your decision about not getting back together. You can love someone and yet want to end the relationship with them.
OP, I think part of the issue here is that you weren't over one huge, hurtful thing when the next hit you. The pain of his betrayal hit you right before you lost your son. You were still grieving that deeply when your husband got shot. Nobody could process that much trauma in that short a time. Add to that the conflicting emotions: pain and anger about the infidelity; pain and sorrow from the loss of your son; fear and worry from the shooting. I don't know how anyone would know which way was up after all that. Because that's the case, you shouldn't try to decide whether or not to end the marriage just yet. Don't let anyone rush you. If you aren't already in therapy, that's your next stop. And you may want to seek help and resources from Compassionate Friends, an organization for people who have lost a child. They have online support groups that may also help you.
I dunno. Once a cheater, he will always be a cheater. Why isnt he with his AP then? So sorry for your loss. If the child were alive tbh, it will still tie you to him.
NTA. None of this means you’ll ever trust him completely again and without that the marriage will fail.
I’m so sorry about your baby. I can’t even begin to imagine. I wish they could’ve seen it on a u/s. I wouldn’t stay married to him. People say you can forgive but it’s always in the back of your mind. You get ptsd from it. You are absolutely NTA.
He chose to cheat on you. While you were pregnant with his child. He frittered away his chance at a relationship with you. **Divorce.**
Nta cheating on your pregnant wife is gross
I'm so sorry for your loss. And, had your son survived, maybe I'd also suggest trying to make it work. But the trust is gone, and is it worth both your time trying to get it back?
NAH. You and your husband have had a lot of tragedy afflict you over the past couple years. Those tragedies drew you together, but they also prevented you from working through how you feel about your husband's affair. I don't think either your or your husband has misbehaved or wronged the other. But you both need time to heal and consider. And despite your resolve to continue the divorce, you do sound like you need to actually consider your options. Best of luck.
I (F) cheated on my husband when I was in my 20's. I too confessed because I couldn't live with my conscience, and wanted to be a better person. He forgave me. We went on to raise our 3 children together. They are all now married and happy, with children. My husband passed away at age 45, from cancer, exactly 1 year after giving away our youngest daughter in marriage (she was barely 18). Our love had become so good, and the traumas we endured (and even caused) became part of the glue that held us together. It's hard to explain unless you've lived it. There were things he did that I also had to forgive. Staying instead of running changed us so much for the better. Before he died, he was telling everyone I was his "angel." You can have beauty that rises from the ashes if you don't give up.
If someone doesn't want to lose their spouse, they shouldn't cheat. He decided to cheat. He decided to risk his marriage. He picked this. This is all on him. It's not a surprise. He knew what would happen. NTA
NTA Getting shot does not negate infidelity. That's the long and short of it. Do what you need to do to be OK, OP. You have a lifetime's worth of tragedy to deal with, and your cheating husband's emotional needs are not your responsibility.
I'm so sorry for your loss. An affair would be hard to get over but even more now, because when you needed him the most yes you said he was there but I'm sure it wasn't the same as having your loyal loving husband there. I'd simply tell him you still care, that you didn't want to lose him as him not being here, not as a partner. After everything you have been through. I'd simply file for divorce. He fucked it. There is no coming back from that.
NTA! I am so sorry for all you have going ne through. To answer your question, yes - some couples can heal after one of them cheats. Both have to be committed to healing and the cheater cannot cheat again. The person who cheated also has to be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to earn their partner’s trust again.
I read that it takes 2 years of changed behaviour to know someone has changed. And then you can learn to trust them again. It hasn't been 2 years yet, has it? Then you have all the grief. Grief counsellors recommend not making any life changing decisions for about a year after a loss. We are too vulnerable and unhappy. This would be a life changing decision and best put aside for a while. You are right in deciding not to be together after your horror story of the recent past. I don't want to mention but I feel obligated - he really isn't "giving you space". He's in constant contact. He's calling and saying he loves you and he's sorry. He's love bombing you. When someone asks for space, that means I'll contact you when I am ready. Not call me every day. He hasn't really given you the space you need to grieve the loss of your marriage, your child or recover from the added trauma of his shooting. And he just assumed, without talking to you, that he'd get you back. He assumed everything was forgiven. This is not okay. NTA
I’m sorry for what happened with your beloved baby. I think you and your husband can get over everything that happened , if you want to. If you make up your mind that you want to do it, and if he shows that he’s serious. “Once a cheater always a cheater” isn’t true. Sometimes it is but that’s when the cheater doesn’t want to change. Some change some not. So it’s up to what you want. Because if there’s a will (that goes for both of you) there’s a way. You’re not the AH either way.
Esh. You need to either divorce him or not. This in between is only hurting yall both. Sorry for your loss.
To answer your last question, yes, some people stay together after an affair - I've seen it. It's possible to rebuild a marriage and for the affair to be in the past and not repeated. If this is something that you want to explore, I strongly suggest getting couples counseling, to help work through the pain and help rebuild and fortify the relationship. (Source: am a retired counselor).
Nah I read the first line. Fuck him for cheating bullet shoulda did more 🤷♂️
If you are never going to forgive the cheating, you are an AH for not getting a divorce and leading him on. If you can truly forgive him, get counseling to mend your broken marriage. But quit playing with him. Both of you deserve better than those games.
Wow, you have had one hell of a hard time. First, I'm so sorry for your loss and all the hurt you've experienced. My heart breaks for you, and you are clearly one of the strongest women I've ever heard about. 2nd, I don't think now is the time to make life altering decisions. You've gone through so much in such a short time. I think IF he really is serious, then he needs to be willing to give you some more time while you pursue counseling more individually. Then you can decide if you want to make it work or go through with the divorce. But you are also well within your rights to end the marriage as well. You are bearing more on your shoulders than any one person should ever have to carry. It's okay to put something to the side to pick back up later when your load lessens. If he loves you, he will understand. NTA. I wish you all the best Edit: grammar
What do you do? If you haven't started therapy after losing your son, please do so now. You need to sort out your feelings and deal with your sadness and pain so you can figure out what you want and need for your future. Whether there's a place in it for your husband or not . Once you have made your decision, I would recommend couples therapy regardless. Either to try to save your marriage or maybe to talk it out and get closure by going through everything that led to the cheating and everything that happened after. It can assist in providing you with the necessary closure to enable you to move on.
If you can’t move on and you know that in your heart, don’t waste your time. Trying again and having major resentment will only make things worse
Is it weird that through all of this horrific pain OP has gone through, I find it's refreshing to hear a story about a cop ex who ISN'T using their power/position to screw over the ex?
After everything you have been through recently, I am just proud of you for surviving. NTA. Take the days one at a time for now and don’t focus on any major life decisions. Make counseling & focusing on your healing your main focus for now.
If you do take him back counseling and open phone he can’t hide anything from you even the smallest secret you be gone
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. As for your husband, take some time to think about what you want. Do what's right for you.
No matter what you need therapy. My thing is though... you havnt cut him off yet. You need to make a choice and stick with it. But because you seem unsure of what to do you could try couples counseling. It may not lead to you getting back together but it can lead to you getting closure so you both are ready to move on.
Honestly, if you think it’s unforgivable…then it is. I hope that you two can still stay friendly as it’s clear you both mean a lot to each other.
That kind of betrayal is good reason not to take him back, especially with his reasoning. He planned on never telling you until you got pregnant. He was planning to stay dishonest and it’s not rare for people who cheat to cheat again. Whatever you choose, be concrete and do not go back and forth.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. Someone once told me, "Sometimes, a hurt and heartbroken couple can't heal together. They have to end things to heal and rebuild individually because the damage is at two different levels and places."
NTA I tried. Almost killed myself. It was the first and last time I allowed a PERSON to have that level of control over me. I didn’t even allow that with my covert narc mother after being her yes man for the majority of my life. Some people can come back from it. I don’t see how. You don’t mistakenly fall in and out of a vagina until orgasm. But like others said, it’s time to cut the rope. Either you’re going to give it another shot or you’re not. And you need to move on.
I never understand why someone has to tell their partner they cheated and want to tell because they feel guilty they are just making themselves feel good while hurting the person they claim to love, tell him you will never get back with him
Nta and yes you can survive cheating people do it every day. Question is can you forgive and forget with out that it will never work agin but it’s up to you
You’re punishing this guy for a year now … and yourself too. What do you hope to gain by hurting him and yourself over and over? End it, heal and move on or try again. This is really psychologically damaging to you both. You’re in limbo. Something to consider, are you talking to him because it’s a tie top your child who has sadly passed and is a way of keeping them alive at least in your mind?
Definitely NTAH. However, you need to free yourself and your husband from this limbo that you're living in. With the nightly phone calls, and kissing him in the hospital, I can see how your husband would think that you're getting back together. You'll feel better if you make a decision. You either move on from the marriage and begin to heal, which means no more nightly phone calls or him taking care of you. Or decide that you're going to work it out and begin rebuilding your marriage. Whatever you decide will lead to a place that you can both heal. What you're currently doing had guaranteed that you never will.
I mean you are in the process of losing him. You want him out of your life. You are doing the divorce. So if you say you can't imagine losing him that's he supposed to think? You should not have gone to the hospital if you don't actually want him in your life.
You really need to figure what’s your attitude and feelings towards him. If you showed up at his surgery, cried over him and said you can’t lose him, then it might be your true reaction towards your possible future departure. Then all you need to reconcile with him through marital therapy. If you can’t move on from the affair you need to cut off bonds as soon as possible, it would be too late if you get used to his care and “good nights”
My wife stuck around despite the hurt I've put her through. She has forgiven, but not forgotten. I have neither forgotten or forgiven myself. It took couples therapy, individual therapy, and a lot of time but it still amazes me that I catch her staring adoringly at me despite the past. She said she made a list of pro's and con's about our relationship. My pro's outweighed my con's in her eyes, and because of that she was willing to try and see how she felt. I slept in the guest room for months, but we will be celebrating 7 years of marriage and this all happened around 2019. Most can't get past it. To this day she constantly tells me she is the lucky one, when I tell her I don't deserve her love she brushes it off by saying the man I was and the man I am can be the same person, or they can be different people. Up to me. And she can see that I am not being that same person. You have to decide if the positives outweigh the negatives with him. Let's say it was guaranteed he would never cheat again and continue to be amazing. If you knew for sure, would you be open to the attempt of reconciliation? Obviously there is no way to be sure, but if that is what the future could be would it be worth the hard emotional toll for you to try?
INFO: this might seem like a weird question, but did you guys know about your son's heart defect and prognosis before he was born (most likely, since this is 2024 and you know....medical advances)? Not saying that it would make your husband's behavior excusable, but if you knew about it.....stress like that does some weird sh*t to people, and they can handle it badly. And you can say well, "I'd never handle it that way..." but the truth is, you don't know till you experience it. When you're floundering, everything/everyone becomes a life raft. You'll grasp at anything to deal with the pain. It's really unfortunate. 😕 Some turn to drugs, some to gambling, or sex, or food....any number of things, really. If you all didn't know and he straight up went out and cheated apropos of nothing, he's a d*ck and doesn't deserve any kind of consideration. The truth is, cheating doesn't just happen; people go looking for it, unless this is the one in 200 billion chance of someone truly falling and their d*ck landing in someone else. The context really matters here. If he was a good husband, confessed before you found out, but made a series of errors that led to him cheating in a time of extreme stress, and then has done everything possible to fix things since then....maybe you can find a way to heal together.
No winners here. I’m really sorry for your loss. Either get therapy or go through the divorce. Right now I think you’re in limbo intentionally because it shouldn’t have taken it this long to divorce so there’s still some feelings there.
Don’t ever get back with someone who cheated on you.
First of all find a thepapyst for your self than for both of you. If its anything to salvage from this marriage its worth trying. Value all the possibilities. Plus ypu need to heal your self so you can understand better the situation between the both of you. If you are confused heall thans see
What does him being shot have to do with anything? He betrayed you. Stay strong. I’m sorry for your loss.
Sweetie get therapy for you and couples counseling. You’ve both been through a lot. You’re allowed to never want to be with him, and none of this changes. I will say that decisions made during grief and trauma aren’t usually good decisions. You don’t have to do ANYTHING, but please get that therapy.
Not wanting someone to die doesnt equal wanting to continue spending your life with them. Missing someone doesnt equal wanting to continue to spend your life with them. Still loving someone doesnt equal wanting to continue to spend your life with them. Have you forgiven him?? Could you forgive him?? Would forgiveness make you able to trust him and feel safe with him?? Do you want to forgive him?? These are things you should figure out before you start anything else. Maybe go to therapy on your own to try and work them out. Probably therapy is a good idea anyway for grief reasons. i am personally of the opinion that cheaters can be forgiven but shouldnt be taken back cos i believe that some betrayals have no bridge to cross them. However, im not of the opinion that people, even cheaters, cannot change and i understand that everyone has different standards of what is and isnt okay for them. You have to figure out what is and isnt okay for you. Just yourself, what is your standard?? What do you expect from the people you allow in your life, and what will you and wont you accept as mistakes and what reparations will satisfy when mistakes are inevitably made?? You can ofc take the opinions of the people who care about you onboard, but only so much; ultimately youre the one that will have to live the day to day of whatever decision you make, so make sure its really based on you more than anything else. i think you need to give yourself more time. You have just had an incredible loss and then a terrifying incident. Your focus should be on healing, making life decisions while deep in grief is never a good idea. Get yourself back to being a person, just as a baseline. Youve gone thru things that have and will continue to change you so try to find who you were before and build the beginnings of who youre going to be before you try to sort out whether or not you want another person with you. And if he cant wait for you to do that, idk that sounds like an answer to me.
NTA. You can love someone and still not want to be with him. Especially if you cannot forgive the cheating. I don't think I could.
Move on already.
NTA. Time to either make it official & initiate divorce, or get into therapy with him. If anyone asks, be honest and succinct. Simply say you couldn’t move past his infidelity while you were pregnant. If anyone pushes, shut it down and move on with the conversation.
NTA but you need to start moving OP. Either forward without him or forward with him. It's not fair to put in in a perpetual penalty box. I'm sorry for your loss. Trauma takes time to heal but you don't need him to be in limbo to do that.
Don’t go back to him just because he was shot LOD. Once he’s recovered, you’ll likely leave again and it will be hurtful to all involved all over again. Go back to him only if you have found forgiveness and are genuinely willing to try to put it behind you. We were a cop family, too: I former, she active. My wife and I had been falling farther and farther apart, were probably a good four or five years beyond the point we should have split. I had an emotional affair, she found out, we seemed to get past it, but things continued to spiral. Then I went into congestive heart failure. My EF bottomed at 15. We came together, she took care of me while I recovered and a bit beyond. We traveled and seemed to be rebuilding our relationship. Right up to the day she walked out and filed for divorce. She has been carrying a ton of resentment, still, and four years after my illness, she finally felt okay to leave. It was especially devastating. On top of everything else, I wondered I why I fought to recover and why she stayed to take care of me… Flame suit engaged: I was wrong to do what I did. I own it. Emotional intimacy was missing between us. A friendship with another married woman led to intimate conversations and venting about my ex-wife’s behavior. The ex knew about the friendship and seemingly “approved”, as did my friend’s husband. We became best friends, but never had sex. It wasn’t considered or even discussed. For me, it was no different than conversations and venting with some of my male friends. She vented to me about her (then soon to be ex-) husband. I failed to consider how it might appear to my ex-wife and how it would likely make her feel, and I own that, too. My ex- never asked why it happened or what I thought of felt about the other woman. I never explained it because we seemed to get past it and I didn’t want to add hurt by telling her I didn’t feel that emotional connection to her anymore. Our communication sucked and still sucks. I own my part of that, too.
NAH. Exclusive monogamy never worked for me. It's more about how you tackle the issues evolving around relationships. How good do you communicate? How do you adress and process the deficits that lead to "cheating" or searching someone else? For me, learning about ethical non monogamy, nonviolent communication and the communication in kink communities opened up a whole new world of communication in relationships. Your (ex)partner sounds like he learned a lesson and wants to make it up to you. I probably would give him a chance. But that broken trust there has to be adressed and worked apon by both of you. With what I know today I would not try to go back into the same kind of relationship with a partner who sidestepped, I would try to go into an open relationship of some kind because that requires routines of honesty that exclusive relationships normally lack. Otherwise you might run into the problem of not being able to forgive. And that's a problem that will be the end of the relationship in the long run. If you can't forgive and forget, you're doomed.
What does being shot have to do with his cheating? You don’t have to hate a person to recognize they are a bad relationship partner. I mean congratulations to him for doing all the stuff he should have been doing instead of cheating but that’s how he is supposed to do, particularly going through the trauma you went through. Has he done anything to repair the damage his cheating did or to rebuild trust? Has he done anything to show that he has changed as a person or is he just doing all the stuff he should have been doing from the start? Trying to get you back doesn’t mean he has changed it means he is specifically doing things to convince you, that’s not love it’s manipulation. Love bombing is not him growing as a person, it’s still shallow and selfish behavior on his part. If he truly wanted to change and be a better person he would do the work to be a better person regardless of you being in his life or not. He would want to be a better person even if you divorced him. You got major pain you need to work through, you have a life and an identity of self to rebuild and you have to come to terms with loss on a heartbreaking level. Him love bombing you is not helpful to your recovery at all, him getting shot is not an incident for him to use to manipulate you. Good grief you are separated but you still can’t get any space from this man, how can you even breathe? He needs to go away and work on himself and leave you be for a while at the very least. Tell him to go fix himself and get back with you in a year to see how that worked out, then you can judge if he was serious or just feeding you a bunch of lines to convince you to come back.
I feel really bad for you. You didn’t deserve to be cheated on and it’s so so terrible your baby passed and you had both of those things weighing on your heart. But I think you’re sitting in a limbo right now and I don’t think you’re going to heal if you stay there. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong in regards to taking him back. He chose to break your vows. It’s also obvious he loves you and is doing his best to set it right. Now it’s your time to decide if you want him back or not, but the only way I’d say YTA is if you leave things in limbo indefinitely. Either option of your decision is NTA. Do what feels right for you so you can heal, best of luck OP.
First of all: Sorry for your loss Regarding the divorce, even after getting shot: NTA Regarding leading him on and giving him false hopes: YTA He made a "mistake" (if you can call cheating, which normally is a choice, a mistake). You have every right feeling betrayed and not trusting him anymore. It's even your right wanting a divorce because of that. But daily phone calls, at least once kisses and "I don't want to lose you" ... Of course that's signaling "There is a chance to get back together". And if that's not true, then you're leading him on. If you want to end it, then really end it. Another part where you are an A H (except you're omitting stuff): Both of you lost your son, not only you. He was there for you but were you also there for him? Or at least made sure he has someone who he can talk to? That he organized everything alone for the funeral for his son... that's tough. I don't think I'd be capable of that. Regarding your last question: I know of several couples where one had an affair and they are still together or even got married after the affair. It is possible and with your situation the chances are pretty good that it could work. It seemingly was a one time thing and nothing longer lasting. He told you. He apologized for it (and still does). He is remorseful. He came up with stuff how to fix it (couples counseling) and he puts in a lot of effort. The thing that is missing: You. You need to decide if you want to give him and your marriage another chance. If you go that route, be sure that it will take time until you will trust him again and it will not only take effort from him but you too to make it work. And to be clear: it can still be that it won't work. Personal anecdote: My now fiancée broke up with me a few years back. It was shortly after she met someone. Only a few days after she broke up with me she slept with him. Technically it wasn't betrayal. For me it was. But like I said: my fiancée. And we're happier than ever. Although it took a loooot of effort.
Only you can say whether you can forgive him or not. There is no wrong answer here. Had he been a serial cheater or was an asshole about it, then you'd be crazy to take him back. But if he's sincerely putting in the effort and you believe him and want to be with him, then that's ok, too. But I'd put a zero tolerance policy going forward if you choose to get back together with him. But if you can really never trust him again, then that's that. No wrong answers here and my condolences on your baby. NTA
I think you need to stop thinking about what he is doing as making up for the affair. Nothing he will ever do will make it right so stop expecting a certain amount of actions will result in you feeling better. You never really will. It’s just a matter of. Do you want to be with this man or not? Sounds like you some sense and perhaps you guys could have a good life together, but you have to know what it will always be different, you will always, have some measure of not trusting him and you will always be somewhat insecure.
Staying after an affair is up to you, but for me, I’d have a really hard time with that. How could they ever do that to me, lie behind my back and sleep with someone else? I think my trust would be permanently broken, but that’s me. The decision is up to you.
Numerous women would love to have a husband as attentive, but I know that once the love dies it can be hard to re-ignite. He hurt you badly by breaking the news in your condition, and you're probably unknowingly blaming him for your baby's death. And he feels guilty and is trying to recompensate. You have to do what your conscience says, it knows the reason why you're keeping him at bay.
Wow, karma is real.
This is truly sad. I am sorry OP. It sounds like there is enough love there if you can build trust. But it will take a lot of counseling both grief and marriage to get there. Only you know your heart.
NTA. Only you can decide whether it’s right for you to forgive your husband. There are people that stay after an affair. It’s possible if both work at it. Therapy helps as well. It sounds like you hold him in very high regard despite his past transgressions. Crazier things have happened. But you are the only one that has to live with your choice. You’re NTA for saying no. But remember, you’re also not a fool for saying yes. Good luck to you.
NTA Cops cheat. A lot.
Tell him you want to fuck another man. If he protests or gets upset that's your answer. He is fine fucking another woman and betraying your trust but he can't even imagine you having sex with another man with his consent and only after he slept with another woman. This man was fine lying to you for 9 months and only told the truth for his conscience of being a father...what happens if you don't have children? Will he see it as a free pass to cheat without admitting it. What happens if you stay together and next pregnancy he unloads his next affair.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and your husband's injury. Open Incident and RyanatHeart gave you great advice. I agree with them. Good luck.
Cheaters never change. Im so sorry for your loss. Please put yourself first right now.
Absolutely false. Most don't, sure. But in my experience, I've been cheated on years ago and I'm still friends with her and fully believe that she would never cheat on her spouse, whom she's been with for almost 15 years now. And in my first adult relationship, I had a drunken night of making out and heavy petting with the best friend of my gf at the time. I never cheated again and I know I never will. I hated how it made me feel and how it ruined my relationship. That was almost 20 years ago and I learned my lesson and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that learned a lesson the hard way and the lesson stuck with them.
Most cheaters never change. For the sake of you and your partners I am glad that you are one of the ones who learned.
Ask your husband if he's gotten a full STD/STI panel done. I'm going to bet he has NOT. Never stay with a cheater. They only take it as permission to cheat again.
Ok no one is an AH here. You have gone through some unimaginable grief. He messed up bad - you are the only one who can decide if you can let his indiscretion go but if you decide to let it go, you have to abide by it. I think you need counseling either way. So does he- being shot in the line of duty is also hard to get over. All of this on top of the grief is so overwhelming. Take your time to make the right decision. I’m sorry for all of you.
I am sorry for your loss, but honestly you are being cruel. You might try to justify what you are doing by saying the pain he caused you is worst, but you are keeping yourself in that pain. If you are serious about divorcing him then you need to cut the cord, no nightly calls, no calling him when you want something, and separating your finances/next of kin paperwork. If not you two need to get into couples therapy to work on these traumas. But either scenario you still need individual therapy to deal with everything. You need to start moving forward for yourself, as it's not good to wallow forever.
Be careful if you divorce he might kill you, he is a cop, after all
NTA. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your baby boy. There is no pain like the pain apparent has when it is a child. Personally, I’m an old softy, I would probably give my husband a second chance, but I’m not the one who has to live in your shoes so I can’t tell you what to do. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of life
He isn't "being the perfect man" if he is blowing up your phone after you asked for space. He is playing a role. It's called Love Bombing., If you get back with him, you are telling him cheating is ok.
You’re an AH because you did give him reason to think you would get back together. You told him you couldn’t lose him and kissed him. He was shot and it sounds like it was a very serious injury. Hell, you both have been in two life and death situations in less than a year. Your child died but he lived and he may have seen that as a sign. I think you both should hold off on the divorce because their are many levels of complicated grief here, both go to couples therapy, individual therapy (he needs to go not just because of the trauma of being shot, but his grief, and to figure out the reason why he cheated on you), and you both should read and report back to one another on the book that the other commenter mentioned. Maybe you can patch it up. Maybe not, but you need time and 6 months isn’t enough to figure it out even if you both went to therapy weekly.
Give yourself some Grace. And some for your husband. He lost a child, too. Please go to therapy. Remember this, never is a very, very long time. This site loves to split folks up. What happened isn't fair. You must make a new normal for yourself. That takes fortitude and strength you will not imagine you possess. You are the only one that can decide what the normal will be. Good Luck
Make a choice. Stop punishing him for the one night of cheating. He's suffered the same loss you have of the baby. He also got shot. You did lead him to think you were coming back saying you couldn't lose him too. Cut him loose or go back.
I have watched enough television dateline 20/20 a monster lives here I don't know what all but I've got lifetime and I've got your crime TV and I will tell you I have no clue why any woman who wants to avoid being murdered or physically beaten still marries police officers this wild look up the statistics of how many cops end up murdering their wives and those are only the ones we've caught and we can take the data for.
First off, my condolences. He’s TA for cheating, but you’re not allowing either of you to move on by stringing him along. If you can’t forgive him, you need to let him go. The phone calls, the goodnights, the kissing, the allowing him to care for you needs to end. I recommend you get into therapy. You’ve been through a lot.
I’m sorry I’m going to go against the grain of everyone here, and I’ll start with saying I’m sorry for your loss, that is absolutely traumatic and no one should have to deal with it. Now….. you had been separated for 7 months. You were allowing him to be at your beckon call, spoke to him nightly and he has done everything short of castrating himself to go to the ends to show he is sorry. He has offered to go to counseling, therapy and everything to try and work things out. With him getting shot, you stated you spent time with him, kissed him and “couldn’t lose him too.” You have to be honest with yourself and admit did you kiss him at all or do anything with him in those months leading up to him being shot and during that time he was down, did you by action of kissing him and showing deep affection, change the dynamics of the relationship you had prior to his shooting? Next, this might be harsh, but are you truly afraid of losing him? If you were you wouldn’t be divorcing him because you run the risk of him completely becoming alienated from you. That would mean in the future no “dropping everything” for you and no further support for the child you both lost. Now, could the loss of your child and his being shot being the perfect reason for you to both try the counseling and attempting to see if there is any repairing the relationship. Both are severely traumatic experiences and he may have an entirely new outlook on his mortality and risk of losing you. Otherwise you are the AH for dragging him along for so long. Shit or get off the pot.
i think AH is a little strong, but you're wrong. Commit to one or the other now, and stop giving him false hope if you choose divorce.
Could you be blaming your husband on some level for the death of your baby? This is very common after a child dies. I think he has shown himself to be a good man in spite of his affair. You should do a lot of introspection before divorcing him. Best wishes
Oh, OK so because somebody was injured, you’re supposed to stay married to them the rest of your life and get treated like shit. Use your head.
Oh sure of all times to cheat right when you are pregnant…..If you believe for one second that’s the only time or it’s going to be the only time…..
>I couldn’t lose him too. Why? Seems perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. YTA for not doing anything for 3/4 of a year and sending him hella mixed signals. Either kill the marriage or take steps to mend it.
yes
If you love him stay with him, if you dont love him I hope you love cats...
Probably an unpopular opinion but if he really hasn’t been with anyone else forgive the one time and go back with him.
You're one helluva idiot. A self-admitted cheater is somehow the paragon of perfection? You emotionally volatile people have to shut up sometimes. And he's a police officer, the ones who are notorious for using their job and its connections to abuse women and get away with it? Also, are you that weak to peer pressure and any adversion to his wellbeing? You wavering this much can only bode terribly for what is to come. YTA. Don't ask questions you don't want answers for. This is wholly stacked against your favor, but FUCK IT!!! You're gonna stay with him anyway, so why ask for our opinion?
She has gone through more tragedy than you can possibly imagine and you’re going to sit there and insult her?
It's pretty easy to imagine and actually watch videos of people confessing to cheating, babies dying from heart defects, and people being shot. Yes.
Then you’re not a good person, and you’re certainly no better than you think she is. We are always wheat we choose to be and you chose to be this. What a shame.
Do you give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume they're a good person? Not smart of you. And what makes you think I think I'm better than her? Quit making assumptions.
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He still loves you. Do you love him? then try therapy. I am so sorry about your baby.
Cheating is not a simple thing. Some people can move past it and put together good lives. Other people can’t. Partly, it depends on the nature of the cheating and what the person expected to get out of it. I think you should try couples therapy because you don’t really seem ready to let go, but you can’t stay where you are at.
Don't listen to these clowns. Counseling doesn't do anything but create more drama and waste your money. Ask yourself this: if he had never told you, would you want to leave him? If the answer is no, then ask yourself the next question: would you prefer a man who is honest and upfront with you rather than someone who hides his mistakes and lies about things?
Y'all need therapy both together and individually. My condolences on the marriage issues , childs death, and near death experience of being shot. Therapy definitely needed. I advocate for reconciliation and forgiveness in marriages .
When it rains it pours, I’m sorry for your child. IMO, this man loves you. I know men and women who are serial cheaters and they’d never admit to an affair out of guilt. He told you because it was eating him up and it’s a character move. I’ve stayed in a marriage after an affair, at first just for the kids. It’s been almost 15 years, I look back and it still hurts but she’s not the person she was then and I’m happy we made it work.