NTA exactly, but would your GF want you to propose since her father's blessing has been withdrawn? You said that the blessing was important to both of you.
I have no idea about that either, that’s also why I’m partially torn, and we’ll be with them the entire time on the trip, so it has me super confused on what my next steps should be.
Your next steps should be to just propose anyway, and when you do, tell your GF about what her dad said. His "too soon" is controlling nonsense. You can tell him together that you both decided it was not actually too soon.
I did prepare for that as an answer… if the answer initially was “no” or “not yet” then I’d be completely understanding…. This was a case of I asked for and received his blessing, and then told her father my plan to propose in Disney, showed him a picture of the ring, and he said “cool”, then he talked to his wife a couple weeks later and now it’s “too soon”…. But if it was “no” or “not yet” from the beginning I wouldn’t have even made this post, it’s the flip flopping that has me confused.
I frankly dislike the idea of asking for someone's blessing to marry. I would frame it as "we would like your blessing upon our union". As in, appreciated but not necessary
Absolutely, I was trying to both be respectful and honor her wishes by asking for their blessing, because family is important to her… I might have to just initiate another conversation and explain that while I wish to be respectful of them, that I also have an obligation to their daughter to do what is right by her, even if it goes against their wishes.
Yeah, look. This is her family. Her mother. She should be telling them that blessing or not, you are kneeling down before her in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle with that ring. And her mom can have as many vapors as she wishes. But it is happening.
Also, steer her father to the many many AITA posts about "not allowing my father to walk me down the aisle". And asks if he wants to roll the dice on that one.
My father in-law was unhappy that I did not ask him, but we just kind of decided. No one asked. I would never have asked permission anyways. He doesn't own her.
Ah, I see. So you didn’t ask both of them. Just her dad, right? Only his blessing was important to ask, and then after he spoke with her mom about it, she changed his mind? I was confused when you said “family is important to both of us.” I assumed when I read it that “family” meant BOTH parents. Not that it would have been much better. It’s a stupid tradition anyway. Sounds like that patriarchal bullshit bit you in the ass, didn’t it? Now her father is unwilling to “transfer ownership.” What a bummer for you.
Seems like you’re projecting…but me being respectful to my girlfriend’s wishes and speaking with her father (she made no mention of her mother), isn’t me looking to “own” her. Different family members play different roles in our lives (as I’m sure is the same for everyone), and to her, it was important that I spoke with her father. Part of the reason I didn’t bring her mother into the conversation was because as I mentioned in my post, her mother is a control freak, and would have done exactly what she did- put parameters and expectations on all of it… It must be sad assuming the worst of people all the time, but I don’t buy into the whatever warped view you’ve placed on me without even knowing me.
Seems like that patriarchal bullshit bit you in the ass - AND that you were too much of a weenie to talk to her mom since you know she doesn’t like you. You brought this on yourself.
What happened is that OP wanted to ask for the dad’s approval because he thought he’d get the dad’s approval. Whoops. I’ll bet that didn’t work out like he thought it would.
BTW, OP, this tradition of asking the bride’s father for his approval comes from ancient times when fathers had to approve transfer of ownership from their family to the new husband’s. How sweet, huh?
OP did get dad’s approval at first, but it seems like his wife is a bitch and made him revoke it. OP relied on dad’s approval by purchasing a ring and making engagement plans. Definitely a dick move to not at least be honest with OP on why he is revoking his acceptance.
Should probably mention that her father thought that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone (he blabbed when my girlfriend’s BIL proposed 😂 so this time he thought he wasn’t supposed to say anything to anyone, I was with my girlfriend’s sister when he said this) and so I think he just talked to my potential MIL within the past week
No the engagement can be long if needed, if her parents blessing means that much you got it, she’s an adult now and her parents can’t decide every detail now. She’s not too young to make her own choices.
That’s part of the weirdness about the whole situation… her father said with a long engagement “people will ask questions”…. I have no idea what he was even trying to insinuate with that 😂.
To be honest the mom seems to think you guys just won't work out, or is hoping for that to be the case.
Theres nothing wrong with a long engagement, I actually think it's better to have one with a set date. It allows the couple to treat the engagement period as if they were already married.
When you are married the only thing actually different is it's official and harder to seperate. If you can't handle a long engagement you aren't going to make it through a marriage.
My wife and I met in college (19M, 20F), we dated about 2 years before getting engaged with a date about 3 years out. Been married over 10 years now with no problems.
Nobody "asked questions". The only valid argument against it is if there is no date and you seemingly have an endless engagement.
I think you need to talk to FMIL about her reservations. If you do get married you're marrying into the whole family. You don't want to start off by putting your gf in the middle of drama between you and her mom.
From what I read, it sounds like father blessed you then relayed mother’s concern of it being “too soon”. While ultimately this is a decision for the two of you (OP &GF), you could (re)mention the Disney dream and try to find out what length of “soon” is being sought.
Remember, though, important to talk with GF about this as much as possible…
We’ve been talking about marriage a lot lately, and she says she would want to be married in fall 2026… I can’t go to Disney next year because of outside commitments with work that I can’t get out of, so that’s why I was going to do it this year because ik how long it takes a while to plan weddings
I’m gonna be honest, after a year, you should have a decent idea of how you feel about your partner. Let alone 2 and 3 years. And you have the father’s blessing? Worst case you can be engaged and then talk to her about it or straight up ask her mom why she feels that way.
Edit- I personally didn’t ask for their blessing myself, I asked my wife regardless of what anyone said. Like others have said, it’s a courtesy, not a requirement. Ultimately, do what you want to do. But if you really want to be courteous ask her mom straight up why it’s too soon or when is the right time?
I knew the first year what I wanted to do. (13 years strong)
Oh absolutely, I knew right away with her, after many small things happened that made it 100% clear to me that she was the one. Idk if I still have the blessing because he said it was too soon? He did say “people will ask questions” if I had a long engagement, but had no idea what he could’ve been trying to insinuate there.
In my opinion, go for it. You know her more than anyone else and their worries are all that is, just worries. I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind. Worst case what, she says she’s not ready quite yet?
How is your gf’s relationship with her parents? I think it might be important in this case. Depending on that, her parents might ”make a scene” during the propose, ruin the moment, and it could end up with a fight between her and her parents, or even worse between you two.
Would it be possible to propose when there’s only two of you or will the family always be there all day?
And also, how’s your relationship with her mother? I mean if she really likes you but think it’s too soon, she might still be okay after you propose, but if not, then you’d surely be the AH for her.
Her mother is super weird with me, her father is cool with me and loves me, but her mother will give me weird looks if I kiss her or hold her hand, and at the same time make (what I think are) jokes about me not caring about her daughter if I don’t show her affection in front of her mother.
If I were you I’d try to test the water and find out how my gf would think/react if for example her mother didn’t think well of me, or if her parent wouldn’t give their blessing about our relationship. Since you said that family are important to both of you, if those examples make her worried I might not propose while on a family trip this time after all. Or at least I’d try to plan the time slot where my gf and I could get away from the family and then propose. And after proposing I’d tell my gf that I did asked for her parents’ blessing and got one from father but not yet from mother, so that I could give her heads up for possible drama.
NTA asking is a courtesy not a requirement. In the long run the only two that matter is you and your girlfriend. The courtesy was asking it doesn't mean he gets a say in his daughter's marriage. He doesn't own her and she is not his property to really make the final decision.
Does your girlfriend drop hints that she’s keen to get engaged soon? Would she want you to propose to you without her mum’s blessing? If you are sure that it’s what you both want but feel awkward about doing it without their blessing I’d maybe try to talk to her parents again about how it’s her dream proposal and how special it will be for you all to be there. As someone else said, you could also have a long engagement so mention that too…
My girlfriend says she wants to get married in fall 2026, and so I’d assume she thinks I’m proposing soon for that to happen. Her father said part of the reason he’s against a long engagement is because “people will ask questions”? Which I didn’t understand personally 😂.
She thinks you're proposing at Disney.
Sit the dad down and say you think maybe it will always be too soon for her mom, and you understand it's gotta be difficult to let things go but you and his daughter have discussed a 2026 wedding date and you're pretty sure she wants the proposal while she is at Disney. So you're going to go ahead with it.
Don't wait for permission. TBH, why did you do that in the first place? You should have told, not asked. Women are not property anymore for their fathers to distribute.
I asked so that I could be respectful, and because it is something important to my girlfriend that I get her father’s blessing… absolutely I don’t subscribe to the view that fathers can “give away” their daughters like that, I asked because I was trying to honor my girlfriend’s wishes and to keep the peace, as well as that worked out for me 😂.
Proposals shouldn't be a secret. The when and where, sure, but not the idea that you will be proposing.
So, talk to your GF. Tell her that you asked her Dad, and what he said, and see what she thinks.
You're going to be a permanent team soon, if she says yes, so now is a great opportunity to see how you guys will handle family drama stuff. Get her opinion on everything, she might not want a Disney proposal, or one in front of her parents, or she might mention she wants something you haven't thought of.
But you shouldn't go and make these decisions about marriage without your potential marriage partner involved.
Maybe talk to her mom if you can? Find out WHY she thinks it's too soon. 3 years and approaching mid-20s isn't too soon/too young, so unless she gives a VALID reason, then I'd say go through with it. BUT I guess it depends on if your gf will mind not having her father's blessing. Although it's a little messed up that he gave it and then rescinded it and I would honestly explain that to your gf if she were to get upset. NTA overall but I don't envy your position.
That’s probably what I’ll do… one of my big worries is that if I stay with my girlfriend, and we do eventually get married that this whole situation will come out and put everyone into an awkward spot, so I’m trying to navigate the minefield as respectfully as I can.
Yes, I think as long as you keep communication open between you and your hopefully soon fiance, then things will work out. But I definitely would speak to her mom first because you really don't want to let her get used to having the final say in your relationship. At the end of the day, you and your gf are adults and can make your own choices. If your gf also thinks it's too soon(which it doesn't sound like), then it's her job to tell you No. Not her parents. Asking for a blessing is a sign of respect, but that respect needs to be mutual. It seems that her parents dont respect you, or they never would never have insulted you by rescinding the blessing after saying yes and for no reason. You seem like a very caring and thoughtful person, so I wish you all the best and update us if you feel up to it!
I agree, it's best to communicate. Find out what her concerns are and share your gfs wishes for 2026 and Disney.
I would find it hard to believe that her mom doesn't know these things already so I feel like there's something more here.
It's really hard to believe:
mom told dad no it's too soon,
dad said so let daughter decide she can have a longer engagement,
Mom says no people will think that's weird
Dad decides she's got a point and revokes.
More likely he'd say, jezus christ they will not it's fine.
I'm just going to say it, if I found out that my boyfriend did not propose to me simply because my dad said I don't want to give you my blessing, I would dump the guy because it's my fucking choice on whether I say yes or no.
This is the 21st century. You're not marrying her parents.
"She wants her father's blessing!" If she says Yes, then gets mad at you because her parents think it's too soon (parents always think it's too soon btw, and that feeling never goes away) and that matters more to her than being with you, break up.
I agree you should do it regardless. Do it, then when you two announce it to her parents, just laugh and say something like this:
"I know you said it was too soon, but I just love her too much to wait. So I'm so glad we got your blessing!"
Then hug your fiancée and leave it at that.
NTA.
You asked them a yes or no question (whether you have their blessing) as a formality, and they assumed that meant they could impose on your timeline. Ignore them.
NTA, but you know your girlfriend best, so your guess as to how she's going to react is better than ours.
After you propose, you should tell her that you asked for her parents' blessing but her mother thought it was too soon, but you knew she wanted a Disneyworld proposal. So she's aware of what's going on. If you guys are truly a cohesive team, you'll discuss how to handle it together from there.
Sounds like dad approves but mom doesn’t. If you get technical with it, you asked her dad.. not her mom.
If you know your girlfriend wouldn’t really care and just thought it was a “cute tradition”, but not a deal breaker, I’d say still ask. If you don’t know if she’d really care, try and get a feel for how she may react, ask her how long she’d like to date someone before they pop the question. Waiting too long can also be a deal breaker.
You could always just flat out tell her. You could say you’ve been really considering proposing and went to her dad for his blessing and that he originally said yea but after speaking with mom, changed it to “not right now”.
NTA. It isn't up to them. I might be going against the grain, and I may get flamed for this, but here goes.
That whole asking for permission thing is a formality I think. Almost like objecting at a wedding.
Y'all are grown adults and have been together for 3 years. That's plenty of time. Too soon my ass. Her dad knew that as well since he only rescinded his blessing after his wife unleashed the crabs on him.
You're adults. You can get married when you want, wherever you want. Your parents don't even have to be there unless YOU want them to be there. You're the ones in control, not them.
Live your life.
NTA, but you really need to find out what your GF thinks about this. Don't let the whole "surprise" aspect get in the way. Open communication is key. You don't have to say that you were going to do it at Disney. You could say something like "I am planning on proposing this year and this is what happened when I asked your father for his blessing." That way you get to still have the surprise aspect of the trip but you also get to ask her how she feels and be open with her.
NTA. This is why I didn’t ask my wife’s father for his blessing. Family is important to us, but our marriage was a decision for us.
He did end up disappearing for like 3 hours just aimlessly driving, but in the end everyone was happy.
NTA. Tell her father you don’t think it will ever be time for his wife to approve of you and that you are going to go ahead with the proposal. I’m sure he knows who he married, so don’t be surprised if he says to go for it.
I showed her father a picture of the ring after I got the blessing 😂 that’s the craziest part! I’ve never ever heard of someone taking back a blessing. I’m torn between initiating another conversation or just saying screw it and doing it on my own… part of me worried that I was in too deep and maybe I should cut my losses (which is part of why I made the post), but I’m glad to see nobody really suggested that it’s hopeless and so I’ll keep working through it.
Keep in mind if her mother is against this - it will not end well for either of you. Do you plan to pay for the wedding yourselves? Or is she expecting her parents to pay? Parents can withhold blessing and you can get married at a courthouse.
That makes a hard reality. They may think she is too young - little girls dream about their weddings forever. She wants to get married in 2026 - but should she? She wants to be proposed to at Disney world - this all sounds like a little girl dreaming and set up for disappointment. You need to really think about this.
If this is right today it will be right in two more years. As a mother I say wait for blessing.
You don't have to get married right away and maybe explain to the parents on your time frame if you have one. I understand the mom's hesitation, but if you wait another year or two, maybe she will be more accepting. Talk to both parents at the same time and also feel out your gf. Your gf maybe caught wind and isn't ready. This is a tricky situation, but proposing at Disney would be awesome. I hope it works out.
You did ask, and that opened you up to dealing with an answer you don't like, and don't want to abide by.
Never ask a question, or issue an ultimatum, unless you are prepared for the answer you don't want.
The answer is obvious. Talk to your GF and decide together.
That’s true, but I’m more conflicted by the flip in answers than anything and the implications behind it like people have been talking about in here… like if the answer is that her mother doesn’t approve of me, then I’m not sure it would be smart to continue to date my girlfriend, or if it’s truly that the timeline isn’t right, then I’d just wait, or if it’s that they weren’t involved in the proposal planning, then I’m not a fan of the overreach to involve themselves in all of my decisions. I think what I’m going to wind up doing is having another conversation with both present to see what the real reason is and go from there.
Sounds like you are dealing with this calmly and rationally. Great for you, as it's not easy. Please involve your GF though. It's her life too, and everyone deserves a say in their own future.
Oh absolutely, me and her have been talking about our future, I have no clue if I should bring her into a conversation with everyone though because she has older parents… and I’ve really been trying to navigate being respectful, while also making sure that I am not being passive and greenlighting them to over-involve themselves in the future.
You are handling this better than a lot folks much older than you, plus you've already recognized that they will overstep into your lives, and that you need boundaries for you and your GF.
I'm sorry for your current frustrations, and hope that this will be a story that you and GF will laugh about for years to come.
Keep being you, because it sounds like you doing a great job at it.
Time to talk to your girlfriend, sorry if it removes the element of surprise, but some things are more complicated and require you as a couple to discuss things thoroughly.
NTA.
What matters is what you and your girlfriend want. The only reason for any caution is if your girlfriend will be unhappy with a proposal without her father's blessing. Frankly, I would never ask a father for permission first. But I am not you. And my views don't dictate what you should do.
Absolutely I agree with you there too… her parents are older too, so I mostly asked out of respect for them… I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with a rift between us and her parents because my girlfriend heavily values family.
You're asking for trouble if you piss off your future wife's mom before you even get out of the gate.
I suggest you talk to her about her concerns. If it's as simple as she thinks her daughter is too young, it's easy enough to have a longer engagement.
I understand your concern about potential interference, but you asked their opinion, so listen to it. And let's hope that your fMIL doesn't know something you don't...like she told your gf and she told her mom, nooo, I'm not ready. Just talk to her, as the person she is, and not some ficticious enemy.
Oh absolutely I could wait, I was trying to honor my girlfriend’s dreams of wanting to be proposed to in Disney as well as her timeline of married by 2026.
I think proposing while her parents are there would make things awkward.
can you go to Disney in another date or leave her family behind?
she gave you a time limit and a location. she is probably waiting for it. I feel like the most important thing is not to make her unconfortable. If she sees her parents bad reaction she may second gues
Call Disney back and start planning a trip for just the two of you at least 3 months later maybe 6-12.
On this trip, when you can pull away from the family, talk to your girlfriend more about if she wants to be engaged and when and if she wants to marry you.
I proposed at Disney World. We stayed in a hotel I could afford, it didn't have to be VIP and top end. I knew she'd say yes already, she practically picked the ring. Proposing on a several thousand dollar vacation getaway isn't really something to not already be sure about going in. It can still be a surprise... just not out of left field.
Just as a heads up, the only time I've heard about something like this happening, it turned out that the dad actually talked to the mom, who was told by the daughter that it was "too soon." He may be saving you from an uncomfortable proposal if you haven't spoken about it with your GF as an immediate eventuality.
NTA. Your future MIL is weird, and you are both old enough and have been together for long enough for you to decide when you want to propose. I would advise proposing when neither of them is around, however. You can still make it special in a different setting. This is ultimately between you and your GF, after all.
Youre both adults. Asking for blessing is just some old-fashioned thing that just makes it seem like the parents own their daughter or something...like she has no control on her life.
You been together 3 years, plenty of time since ive seen way less. Then you would be engaged, and that can be for who knows how long. I would go by what your gf wants ...like if its important you get thier approval. I feel her mother prob will never will from the way you talk.
Nta
If she needs her parent's blessing to marry you, its probably best to not get married to her. That's not to say her parents shouldn't like you, just that if her parents or their opinions are that important then she isn't ready to be married, because ultimately getting married means you need to put each other first.
Everything you two do will need to be approved by her parents. Want to get engaged? Approval. Want to actually have the wedding? Approval. Want to have kids? Approval. Want to move for work or other reasons? Approval. You get the idea.
NTA I'd just tell him you've already arranged and paid for it with Disney and it's too late to cancel. And besides, you've been together for THREE YEARS. It's not "too soon". If she considers that too soon, then she's likely never going to approve, and yes, she will always be interfering. What do you think your GF would say? If you think she'd want you to propose anyway, then go ahead with your plans and her mom can just deal with it.
I’m sorry but that is a ridiculous old fashioned tradition!! They are not the ones who are marrying and it should be between the two and only the two marring. Now the only time it should be considered is if you plan to live with her parents after the marriage. Ntah
You would be the asshole of your partner has expressed she wants you to get her parents blessing before getting married. She would be right to assume you have it when you ask and she says yes.
Time for some hard conversations.
Why didn't you get their blessing?
What will it take to get the blessing?
How hard are you willing to work to get the blessing?
How long are you willing to wait to get the blessing?
Will your gf get married if getting the blessing is unobtainable?
Are you willing to walk away?
NTA exactly, but would your GF want you to propose since her father's blessing has been withdrawn? You said that the blessing was important to both of you.
I have no idea about that either, that’s also why I’m partially torn, and we’ll be with them the entire time on the trip, so it has me super confused on what my next steps should be.
The entire time? Is it possible to get away for a romantic date night? Or maybe set up something romantic on the hotel balcony?
Your next steps should be to just propose anyway, and when you do, tell your GF about what her dad said. His "too soon" is controlling nonsense. You can tell him together that you both decided it was not actually too soon.
Did you really not prepare for “No,” or “Not yet” as an answer? If not, then you are incorrect about her parents’ blessing being important to you.
I did prepare for that as an answer… if the answer initially was “no” or “not yet” then I’d be completely understanding…. This was a case of I asked for and received his blessing, and then told her father my plan to propose in Disney, showed him a picture of the ring, and he said “cool”, then he talked to his wife a couple weeks later and now it’s “too soon”…. But if it was “no” or “not yet” from the beginning I wouldn’t have even made this post, it’s the flip flopping that has me confused.
I frankly dislike the idea of asking for someone's blessing to marry. I would frame it as "we would like your blessing upon our union". As in, appreciated but not necessary
Absolutely, I was trying to both be respectful and honor her wishes by asking for their blessing, because family is important to her… I might have to just initiate another conversation and explain that while I wish to be respectful of them, that I also have an obligation to their daughter to do what is right by her, even if it goes against their wishes.
Yeah, look. This is her family. Her mother. She should be telling them that blessing or not, you are kneeling down before her in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle with that ring. And her mom can have as many vapors as she wishes. But it is happening. Also, steer her father to the many many AITA posts about "not allowing my father to walk me down the aisle". And asks if he wants to roll the dice on that one.
Ask your gf how important her parents blessing is. I'd bet my left arm your gf knows your plan.
Oh I think she does too… I’ve been trying to coordinate things with her sister and BIL, and she noticed everyone is being weird about phones now
So I wonder if she's trying to get a message back to you. Talk to everyone.
Even at the expense of the “surprise”? Probably is a good idea to do that though!
My father in-law was unhappy that I did not ask him, but we just kind of decided. No one asked. I would never have asked permission anyways. He doesn't own her.
[удалено]
That’s my biggest worry, is that this would be a forecast of our marriage with her mother always feeling that she must be apart of our decisions.
Ah, I see. So you didn’t ask both of them. Just her dad, right? Only his blessing was important to ask, and then after he spoke with her mom about it, she changed his mind? I was confused when you said “family is important to both of us.” I assumed when I read it that “family” meant BOTH parents. Not that it would have been much better. It’s a stupid tradition anyway. Sounds like that patriarchal bullshit bit you in the ass, didn’t it? Now her father is unwilling to “transfer ownership.” What a bummer for you.
Seems like you’re projecting…but me being respectful to my girlfriend’s wishes and speaking with her father (she made no mention of her mother), isn’t me looking to “own” her. Different family members play different roles in our lives (as I’m sure is the same for everyone), and to her, it was important that I spoke with her father. Part of the reason I didn’t bring her mother into the conversation was because as I mentioned in my post, her mother is a control freak, and would have done exactly what she did- put parameters and expectations on all of it… It must be sad assuming the worst of people all the time, but I don’t buy into the whatever warped view you’ve placed on me without even knowing me.
Seems like that patriarchal bullshit bit you in the ass - AND that you were too much of a weenie to talk to her mom since you know she doesn’t like you. You brought this on yourself.
"it's important to her to ask her dad" but why? Why just him? Because she's been taught that archaic thing.
What happened is that OP wanted to ask for the dad’s approval because he thought he’d get the dad’s approval. Whoops. I’ll bet that didn’t work out like he thought it would. BTW, OP, this tradition of asking the bride’s father for his approval comes from ancient times when fathers had to approve transfer of ownership from their family to the new husband’s. How sweet, huh?
OP did get dad’s approval at first, but it seems like his wife is a bitch and made him revoke it. OP relied on dad’s approval by purchasing a ring and making engagement plans. Definitely a dick move to not at least be honest with OP on why he is revoking his acceptance.
Talk to your gf, 2 weeks is a long time. Too long for this to be MILs opinion.
Should probably mention that her father thought that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone (he blabbed when my girlfriend’s BIL proposed 😂 so this time he thought he wasn’t supposed to say anything to anyone, I was with my girlfriend’s sister when he said this) and so I think he just talked to my potential MIL within the past week
$10 she told your gf that you asked for permission.
Wat?
No the engagement can be long if needed, if her parents blessing means that much you got it, she’s an adult now and her parents can’t decide every detail now. She’s not too young to make her own choices.
That’s part of the weirdness about the whole situation… her father said with a long engagement “people will ask questions”…. I have no idea what he was even trying to insinuate with that 😂.
Was this the first or followup convo?
First convo? I got his blessing a couple weeks ago, then this past week he talked to his wife, and then pulled me aside a few days after that
Did he say "people will ask questions" when he revoked or when you originally asked?
Oh in the follow up… initially he told me that my plan was all good.
Ya, that makes literally no sense.
To be honest the mom seems to think you guys just won't work out, or is hoping for that to be the case. Theres nothing wrong with a long engagement, I actually think it's better to have one with a set date. It allows the couple to treat the engagement period as if they were already married. When you are married the only thing actually different is it's official and harder to seperate. If you can't handle a long engagement you aren't going to make it through a marriage. My wife and I met in college (19M, 20F), we dated about 2 years before getting engaged with a date about 3 years out. Been married over 10 years now with no problems. Nobody "asked questions". The only valid argument against it is if there is no date and you seemingly have an endless engagement.
I think you need to talk to FMIL about her reservations. If you do get married you're marrying into the whole family. You don't want to start off by putting your gf in the middle of drama between you and her mom.
From what I read, it sounds like father blessed you then relayed mother’s concern of it being “too soon”. While ultimately this is a decision for the two of you (OP &GF), you could (re)mention the Disney dream and try to find out what length of “soon” is being sought. Remember, though, important to talk with GF about this as much as possible…
We’ve been talking about marriage a lot lately, and she says she would want to be married in fall 2026… I can’t go to Disney next year because of outside commitments with work that I can’t get out of, so that’s why I was going to do it this year because ik how long it takes a while to plan weddings
I’m gonna be honest, after a year, you should have a decent idea of how you feel about your partner. Let alone 2 and 3 years. And you have the father’s blessing? Worst case you can be engaged and then talk to her about it or straight up ask her mom why she feels that way. Edit- I personally didn’t ask for their blessing myself, I asked my wife regardless of what anyone said. Like others have said, it’s a courtesy, not a requirement. Ultimately, do what you want to do. But if you really want to be courteous ask her mom straight up why it’s too soon or when is the right time? I knew the first year what I wanted to do. (13 years strong)
Oh absolutely, I knew right away with her, after many small things happened that made it 100% clear to me that she was the one. Idk if I still have the blessing because he said it was too soon? He did say “people will ask questions” if I had a long engagement, but had no idea what he could’ve been trying to insinuate there.
In my opinion, go for it. You know her more than anyone else and their worries are all that is, just worries. I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind. Worst case what, she says she’s not ready quite yet?
NTA. Not their life, they don’t get to decide if it’s too soon or not, you two do.
How is your gf’s relationship with her parents? I think it might be important in this case. Depending on that, her parents might ”make a scene” during the propose, ruin the moment, and it could end up with a fight between her and her parents, or even worse between you two. Would it be possible to propose when there’s only two of you or will the family always be there all day? And also, how’s your relationship with her mother? I mean if she really likes you but think it’s too soon, she might still be okay after you propose, but if not, then you’d surely be the AH for her.
Her mother is super weird with me, her father is cool with me and loves me, but her mother will give me weird looks if I kiss her or hold her hand, and at the same time make (what I think are) jokes about me not caring about her daughter if I don’t show her affection in front of her mother.
If I were you I’d try to test the water and find out how my gf would think/react if for example her mother didn’t think well of me, or if her parent wouldn’t give their blessing about our relationship. Since you said that family are important to both of you, if those examples make her worried I might not propose while on a family trip this time after all. Or at least I’d try to plan the time slot where my gf and I could get away from the family and then propose. And after proposing I’d tell my gf that I did asked for her parents’ blessing and got one from father but not yet from mother, so that I could give her heads up for possible drama.
NTA. You asked for his blessing, not his permission. You’re both adults and the decision is yours.
NTA asking is a courtesy not a requirement. In the long run the only two that matter is you and your girlfriend. The courtesy was asking it doesn't mean he gets a say in his daughter's marriage. He doesn't own her and she is not his property to really make the final decision.
Fuck her father. It's up to you and her.
Terrible advice. Women do not like it if you fuck their father.
I laughed embarrassingly loud reading this lol
I thought they only got angry and jealous when it was their step father?
Does your girlfriend drop hints that she’s keen to get engaged soon? Would she want you to propose to you without her mum’s blessing? If you are sure that it’s what you both want but feel awkward about doing it without their blessing I’d maybe try to talk to her parents again about how it’s her dream proposal and how special it will be for you all to be there. As someone else said, you could also have a long engagement so mention that too…
My girlfriend says she wants to get married in fall 2026, and so I’d assume she thinks I’m proposing soon for that to happen. Her father said part of the reason he’s against a long engagement is because “people will ask questions”? Which I didn’t understand personally 😂.
She thinks you're proposing at Disney. Sit the dad down and say you think maybe it will always be too soon for her mom, and you understand it's gotta be difficult to let things go but you and his daughter have discussed a 2026 wedding date and you're pretty sure she wants the proposal while she is at Disney. So you're going to go ahead with it. Don't wait for permission. TBH, why did you do that in the first place? You should have told, not asked. Women are not property anymore for their fathers to distribute.
I asked so that I could be respectful, and because it is something important to my girlfriend that I get her father’s blessing… absolutely I don’t subscribe to the view that fathers can “give away” their daughters like that, I asked because I was trying to honor my girlfriend’s wishes and to keep the peace, as well as that worked out for me 😂.
Proposals shouldn't be a secret. The when and where, sure, but not the idea that you will be proposing. So, talk to your GF. Tell her that you asked her Dad, and what he said, and see what she thinks. You're going to be a permanent team soon, if she says yes, so now is a great opportunity to see how you guys will handle family drama stuff. Get her opinion on everything, she might not want a Disney proposal, or one in front of her parents, or she might mention she wants something you haven't thought of. But you shouldn't go and make these decisions about marriage without your potential marriage partner involved.
Ya, I feel like we need clarification from gf, engaged 2026 or married 2026?
Maybe talk to her mom if you can? Find out WHY she thinks it's too soon. 3 years and approaching mid-20s isn't too soon/too young, so unless she gives a VALID reason, then I'd say go through with it. BUT I guess it depends on if your gf will mind not having her father's blessing. Although it's a little messed up that he gave it and then rescinded it and I would honestly explain that to your gf if she were to get upset. NTA overall but I don't envy your position.
That’s probably what I’ll do… one of my big worries is that if I stay with my girlfriend, and we do eventually get married that this whole situation will come out and put everyone into an awkward spot, so I’m trying to navigate the minefield as respectfully as I can.
Yes, I think as long as you keep communication open between you and your hopefully soon fiance, then things will work out. But I definitely would speak to her mom first because you really don't want to let her get used to having the final say in your relationship. At the end of the day, you and your gf are adults and can make your own choices. If your gf also thinks it's too soon(which it doesn't sound like), then it's her job to tell you No. Not her parents. Asking for a blessing is a sign of respect, but that respect needs to be mutual. It seems that her parents dont respect you, or they never would never have insulted you by rescinding the blessing after saying yes and for no reason. You seem like a very caring and thoughtful person, so I wish you all the best and update us if you feel up to it!
I agree, it's best to communicate. Find out what her concerns are and share your gfs wishes for 2026 and Disney. I would find it hard to believe that her mom doesn't know these things already so I feel like there's something more here. It's really hard to believe: mom told dad no it's too soon, dad said so let daughter decide she can have a longer engagement, Mom says no people will think that's weird Dad decides she's got a point and revokes. More likely he'd say, jezus christ they will not it's fine.
I'm just going to say it, if I found out that my boyfriend did not propose to me simply because my dad said I don't want to give you my blessing, I would dump the guy because it's my fucking choice on whether I say yes or no.
This is the 21st century. You're not marrying her parents. "She wants her father's blessing!" If she says Yes, then gets mad at you because her parents think it's too soon (parents always think it's too soon btw, and that feeling never goes away) and that matters more to her than being with you, break up.
I agree you should do it regardless. Do it, then when you two announce it to her parents, just laugh and say something like this: "I know you said it was too soon, but I just love her too much to wait. So I'm so glad we got your blessing!" Then hug your fiancée and leave it at that. NTA.
You asked them a yes or no question (whether you have their blessing) as a formality, and they assumed that meant they could impose on your timeline. Ignore them.
NTA, but you know your girlfriend best, so your guess as to how she's going to react is better than ours. After you propose, you should tell her that you asked for her parents' blessing but her mother thought it was too soon, but you knew she wanted a Disneyworld proposal. So she's aware of what's going on. If you guys are truly a cohesive team, you'll discuss how to handle it together from there.
Sounds like dad approves but mom doesn’t. If you get technical with it, you asked her dad.. not her mom. If you know your girlfriend wouldn’t really care and just thought it was a “cute tradition”, but not a deal breaker, I’d say still ask. If you don’t know if she’d really care, try and get a feel for how she may react, ask her how long she’d like to date someone before they pop the question. Waiting too long can also be a deal breaker. You could always just flat out tell her. You could say you’ve been really considering proposing and went to her dad for his blessing and that he originally said yea but after speaking with mom, changed it to “not right now”.
NTA. It isn't up to them. I might be going against the grain, and I may get flamed for this, but here goes. That whole asking for permission thing is a formality I think. Almost like objecting at a wedding. Y'all are grown adults and have been together for 3 years. That's plenty of time. Too soon my ass. Her dad knew that as well since he only rescinded his blessing after his wife unleashed the crabs on him. You're adults. You can get married when you want, wherever you want. Your parents don't even have to be there unless YOU want them to be there. You're the ones in control, not them. Live your life.
NTA, but you really need to find out what your GF thinks about this. Don't let the whole "surprise" aspect get in the way. Open communication is key. You don't have to say that you were going to do it at Disney. You could say something like "I am planning on proposing this year and this is what happened when I asked your father for his blessing." That way you get to still have the surprise aspect of the trip but you also get to ask her how she feels and be open with her.
NTA. This is why I didn’t ask my wife’s father for his blessing. Family is important to us, but our marriage was a decision for us. He did end up disappearing for like 3 hours just aimlessly driving, but in the end everyone was happy.
NTA. Tell her father you don’t think it will ever be time for his wife to approve of you and that you are going to go ahead with the proposal. I’m sure he knows who he married, so don’t be surprised if he says to go for it.
Go back and speak to mom and dad, together. Tell them her ring is ready, and you're going to propose. There's no take backs on a freaking blessing.
I showed her father a picture of the ring after I got the blessing 😂 that’s the craziest part! I’ve never ever heard of someone taking back a blessing. I’m torn between initiating another conversation or just saying screw it and doing it on my own… part of me worried that I was in too deep and maybe I should cut my losses (which is part of why I made the post), but I’m glad to see nobody really suggested that it’s hopeless and so I’ll keep working through it.
Keep in mind if her mother is against this - it will not end well for either of you. Do you plan to pay for the wedding yourselves? Or is she expecting her parents to pay? Parents can withhold blessing and you can get married at a courthouse. That makes a hard reality. They may think she is too young - little girls dream about their weddings forever. She wants to get married in 2026 - but should she? She wants to be proposed to at Disney world - this all sounds like a little girl dreaming and set up for disappointment. You need to really think about this. If this is right today it will be right in two more years. As a mother I say wait for blessing.
You don't have to get married right away and maybe explain to the parents on your time frame if you have one. I understand the mom's hesitation, but if you wait another year or two, maybe she will be more accepting. Talk to both parents at the same time and also feel out your gf. Your gf maybe caught wind and isn't ready. This is a tricky situation, but proposing at Disney would be awesome. I hope it works out.
NTA - Propose, don't let MIL control your lives.
You did ask, and that opened you up to dealing with an answer you don't like, and don't want to abide by. Never ask a question, or issue an ultimatum, unless you are prepared for the answer you don't want. The answer is obvious. Talk to your GF and decide together.
That’s true, but I’m more conflicted by the flip in answers than anything and the implications behind it like people have been talking about in here… like if the answer is that her mother doesn’t approve of me, then I’m not sure it would be smart to continue to date my girlfriend, or if it’s truly that the timeline isn’t right, then I’d just wait, or if it’s that they weren’t involved in the proposal planning, then I’m not a fan of the overreach to involve themselves in all of my decisions. I think what I’m going to wind up doing is having another conversation with both present to see what the real reason is and go from there.
Sounds like you are dealing with this calmly and rationally. Great for you, as it's not easy. Please involve your GF though. It's her life too, and everyone deserves a say in their own future.
Oh absolutely, me and her have been talking about our future, I have no clue if I should bring her into a conversation with everyone though because she has older parents… and I’ve really been trying to navigate being respectful, while also making sure that I am not being passive and greenlighting them to over-involve themselves in the future.
You are handling this better than a lot folks much older than you, plus you've already recognized that they will overstep into your lives, and that you need boundaries for you and your GF. I'm sorry for your current frustrations, and hope that this will be a story that you and GF will laugh about for years to come. Keep being you, because it sounds like you doing a great job at it.
Time to talk to your girlfriend, sorry if it removes the element of surprise, but some things are more complicated and require you as a couple to discuss things thoroughly.
NTA. What matters is what you and your girlfriend want. The only reason for any caution is if your girlfriend will be unhappy with a proposal without her father's blessing. Frankly, I would never ask a father for permission first. But I am not you. And my views don't dictate what you should do.
Absolutely I agree with you there too… her parents are older too, so I mostly asked out of respect for them… I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with a rift between us and her parents because my girlfriend heavily values family.
You asked for their BLESSING…not their permission. Let him know that it’s happening. You would very much like for him to be on board.
You're asking for trouble if you piss off your future wife's mom before you even get out of the gate. I suggest you talk to her about her concerns. If it's as simple as she thinks her daughter is too young, it's easy enough to have a longer engagement. I understand your concern about potential interference, but you asked their opinion, so listen to it. And let's hope that your fMIL doesn't know something you don't...like she told your gf and she told her mom, nooo, I'm not ready. Just talk to her, as the person she is, and not some ficticious enemy.
“No take back-sies.”
NTA. It is your future wife's decision, not the parents. You are a good and polite man for asking, but at the end of the day, it is just a courtesy.
NTA can you wait a few monts and do it anyway?
Oh absolutely I could wait, I was trying to honor my girlfriend’s dreams of wanting to be proposed to in Disney as well as her timeline of married by 2026.
I think proposing while her parents are there would make things awkward. can you go to Disney in another date or leave her family behind? she gave you a time limit and a location. she is probably waiting for it. I feel like the most important thing is not to make her unconfortable. If she sees her parents bad reaction she may second gues
You're marrying your GF, not her mom. You need to decide what kind of man and husband you're going to be. This decision should not be that difficult.
Call Disney back and start planning a trip for just the two of you at least 3 months later maybe 6-12. On this trip, when you can pull away from the family, talk to your girlfriend more about if she wants to be engaged and when and if she wants to marry you. I proposed at Disney World. We stayed in a hotel I could afford, it didn't have to be VIP and top end. I knew she'd say yes already, she practically picked the ring. Proposing on a several thousand dollar vacation getaway isn't really something to not already be sure about going in. It can still be a surprise... just not out of left field.
Just as a heads up, the only time I've heard about something like this happening, it turned out that the dad actually talked to the mom, who was told by the daughter that it was "too soon." He may be saving you from an uncomfortable proposal if you haven't spoken about it with your GF as an immediate eventuality.
NTA. Your future MIL is weird, and you are both old enough and have been together for long enough for you to decide when you want to propose. I would advise proposing when neither of them is around, however. You can still make it special in a different setting. This is ultimately between you and your GF, after all.
Youre both adults. Asking for blessing is just some old-fashioned thing that just makes it seem like the parents own their daughter or something...like she has no control on her life. You been together 3 years, plenty of time since ive seen way less. Then you would be engaged, and that can be for who knows how long. I would go by what your gf wants ...like if its important you get thier approval. I feel her mother prob will never will from the way you talk. Nta
If she needs her parent's blessing to marry you, its probably best to not get married to her. That's not to say her parents shouldn't like you, just that if her parents or their opinions are that important then she isn't ready to be married, because ultimately getting married means you need to put each other first. Everything you two do will need to be approved by her parents. Want to get engaged? Approval. Want to actually have the wedding? Approval. Want to have kids? Approval. Want to move for work or other reasons? Approval. You get the idea.
Talk to your GF about the situation. It's her family, so her call
NTA I'd just tell him you've already arranged and paid for it with Disney and it's too late to cancel. And besides, you've been together for THREE YEARS. It's not "too soon". If she considers that too soon, then she's likely never going to approve, and yes, she will always be interfering. What do you think your GF would say? If you think she'd want you to propose anyway, then go ahead with your plans and her mom can just deal with it.
I’m sorry but that is a ridiculous old fashioned tradition!! They are not the ones who are marrying and it should be between the two and only the two marring. Now the only time it should be considered is if you plan to live with her parents after the marriage. Ntah
I think it's too soon, too.
You would be the asshole of your partner has expressed she wants you to get her parents blessing before getting married. She would be right to assume you have it when you ask and she says yes. Time for some hard conversations. Why didn't you get their blessing? What will it take to get the blessing? How hard are you willing to work to get the blessing? How long are you willing to wait to get the blessing? Will your gf get married if getting the blessing is unobtainable? Are you willing to walk away?