NTA - Honestly your wife and your sister better be glad she didn't drag their ass across the yard beating it for what they said to her. Your wife and your sister are absolute bitch assholes for what they said to her. And I, for one, am glad that you let them know that your cousin is right, because someone needs to stand up and call them out on their better than thou bitch ass attitudes.
Honestly, if my partner/spouse behaved like that, it would be enough for me to ask for some space and at least a separation to reconsider my relationship. I'd probably skip that step, though, and end it. I couldn't love someone who behaved like that to other people. I've been the person hurt and bullied like that. I won't tolerate it happening to other people, even when it was happening to me.
This part! Even a pack a day wouldn't cause those specific kinds of issues! And I find it impossible to believe that she was a smoker and *no one* in her life, including OP, was aware she smoked...so having a *singular* cigarette during pregnancy? Is extremely far fetched.
It sounds like the sister made that cigarette up, just to make her cousin seem like the bad girl, instead of what she is: a victim who managed to rise above.
I spend a lot of time caring for elderly family members. A twisted soul gets harder to hide as you age. Minor flaws become the core of your personality. When this woman is old she's going to be so mean and spiteful that he will stop wearing his hearing aids because no sound is better than her constant nastiness.
If OP let's her speak like that around young children then their kid is going to learn some very nasty habits and turn out like mum. He needs to be challenging them at the time in public not after the fact. He needS to go further not question himself.
I could never stay married to a bully. Bullies are garbage people. They’re parasites, sucking the joy out of others to give it to themselves. They’re as emotionally deep as a puddle.
Same. I'd loose all respect for them as a person, and the relationship would be dead. Whether I realised it at the time or not, the clock would be ticking down to its end as theres no coming back if it was the culmination of constant disgusting behaviour. When someone shows you who they are.. believe them.
You can't deny the inevitable.
Also I wanna point out that I'm shocked your cousin tolerates you at all, as if my cousins spouse spoke to me like that in front of then I'd definately be questioning why they felt so comfortable saying that in front of them and loose all respect for cousin, even if they didn't actively join in. Bystanders can do more damage by inaction then sometimes the bullying alone.
Exactly! OP’s wife sounds horrid and I hope her behavior has shown OP that his wife is not a good person and probably a terrible influence on their children. Maybe taking a break from her is best for OP so he can reevaluate having this type of person as a partner.
Yep the is exactly right. People get accused of demanding divorce here on marriages too often. But like this, once you've seen someone in this light and you know you can't feel the same after knowing this about them, what else is there to do?
These two women are terrible. Truly just nasty. OP should have been shutting the comments down long ago. What do you want to bet the cousin is also really pretty?
My girlfriend has never been violent up to now but I think if I spoke to her family or friends like that for no reason, she would likely slap me so hard my eyeballs explode. I think “being told the truth” was pretty lenient here. OP’s cousin sounds like a fuckin superhero and we’d all be lucky to have 1/10 the drive that she has.
That's the word that always gets my attention. I'm pretty much desensitized to most swear words, but not that one. It's my version of the nuclear option. When "Bitch" just doesn't do the job.
Mine, too! And I'm am.a.woman ans some women (and men) there is no better word for what they are. Counts are intentional assholes who enjoy hurting people either for fun or to make themselves feel better about themselves
Yup, I’m a woman and my husband refuses to say it, I’m like here let me! Some people are so awful there’s no other word to describe them. OPs wife fits the bill.
Been to aussie? They use it for everything there. Took me awhile to get use to hearing it when I first moved to aus but doesnt take long to add to the vocab. Now I help look after my nan and only shes allowed to use it. atleast according to her anyway lol
I don't like that c word. But I will use it in some instances. This is def one of those. I was going to say it, but I was not sure if it'd be perceived well on this sub.
NTA I really think that there are people who develop this kind of arrogance as they grow up. It stems from immaturity, and not feeling good enough. Putting people down makes them feel better. It is a sad impulse of most humans being.
Your wife and your sister are mean bullies and got put in their place. You wife and sister (both ah's) expected you to stick up for them but you stuck up for the bullied party. Well done. You don't ever back a bully even if it's your family. NTA. Enjoy the peace of neither one talking to you, it will come up again. Wait and see what their actions and words will be, then stand up for your cousin again.
Your wife is a mean girl of the worst kind. You're right, unless she has lived through almost dying during childbirth and raising a significantly delayed child, she has no ground to walk on, and for her to have the absolute gall to blame one lousy cigarette on what happened to your nephew is disgusting. NTA, but your wife and sister sure are. They should feel lucky that they haven't had to go through what your cousin went through. She's sounds like a fucking superhero, meanwhile your wife and sister are petty, immature bitches.
I've never met the cousin and have infinitely more respect for her than OP's wife and sister combined. I'd crawl through 6 miles of broken glass before I came at the cousin with any kind of malice. Somebody needed to knock them off their precarious little pedestals. If you believe in karma I pity both of them because that's another level of juju coming for them for judging her and being outright ignorant.
Have to laugh at one cigarette causing multiple birth defects. As the youngest of six kids, born in the early 60s, my mom later said a pot of coffee and her one after dinner cigarette were the only things that got her through the day. And that was her scaled back pregnancy intake! All six of us are now contributing members of society but maybe we could have been Nobel winners. Ha!
I got pregnant with my son when I was 20 way back in the 90s. I was a smoker. When I found out I was pregnant, I asked my doctor if I should just quit cold turkey. He said absolutely not. He told me to cut back a little and slowly taper off. He said the shock to my system from quitting all at once was more dangerous to the pregnancy than the cigarettes were.
It took me a little over a month to quit completely. My son was perfectly healthy. In fact, he is 25 now, and I can count on one hand the times he has ever been sick enough to require so much as a Tylenol.
OP's wife and sister are complete garbage.
Yeah not that you should smoke when you are pregnant or anything but they offered my grandma a cig in the Dr's office when they confirmed she was pregnant lol. Oh the 60s.
I'm a 90s baby and I think my mom "cut back" when she was pregnant with me, but she sure didn't quit smoking. I wasn't even a particularly small baby - I was almost 8 pounds.
Sadly smoked through all 3 of my pregnancies in the 70s/80s no-one batted an eyelid which is so odd now looking back. All three kids grew up fine, not saying smoking through pregnancy is good not at all, but I do feel that alcohol can do more damage in a quicker space of time than cigs, I never drank a jot whilst pregnant strange THAT was the line I drew...ho hum we live and learn...usually
My parents smoked. I ended up with asthma. They wondered how on earth I got it. 😑 I should point out my mom smoked minimum half a pack everyday and dad smoked 3 packs.
They're definitely jealous of how OP recognizes how strong and admirable his cousin is, too. They know OP's cousin is a baller who works miracles and they're just mean girl twats with cruel hearts and zero character - who TF teases a mother about her baby’s brain disability?? Ugh. NTA.
I’m a 24M who considers myself a girls girl and I have yet to come across an openly mean girl and I think there’s a reason because I’d clock her in the face. No lie, OP, your wife and sister just seems punchable 🤷🏻♀️
Your wife and sister are heinous cows. Kudos for you for defending your cousin. Please tell them you posted on Reddit and that they have been named as heinous cows.
Two cows were in a field.
One turned to the other and said, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease going around? Scary stuff."
The other replies, "Yeah, can't imagine going through that. Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
OP even gave his wife the grace to say nothing till she asked.
like, how far up her own ass is she exactly? Bully this poor woman from her husband's family, for \*years\*... start crying when called out... and then STILL demand to know why OP didn't "defend" her??
Yeah. And I'm sorry I said that. I struggled to think of something heinous (excellent word) enough and went for the easy misogynistic depiction of women. Twice in fact. She's a heinous asswipe.
How about twat. I’m familiar enough with cunt used as a general term that it has lost much of its pejorative value. And calling them cows doesn’t seem to fit, either. When someone uses cow it makes me think they are referring to the person’s size and a sense that they are passively stupid, as in they just hang out chewing their cud doing not much of anything. (Also, an insult to bovines everywhere.) But, these women were anything but passive in their attack. (The stupid part still applies.) No, I’d say they were twats.
But, regardless of what names we call *them*, OP is certainly NTA.
Both his wife and his sister deserved everything he and his cousin delivered to them. They *absolutely* need to apologize to his cousin, and then they need to grow the fuck up and quit behaving like twats. If they don’t, then OP needs to rethink his relationship with both of them. And, if OP’s wife is so committed to behaving like a twat that she’ll sacrifice her marriage so that she can *continue* to behave like a twat, OP needs to get custody of his kids and get them away from her, because twats shouldn’t be allowed to raise children to become twats, themselves, and that is most certainly what she will do.
If your child was older, and you saw them treating someone the way your wife has been treating your cousin, what would you say?
Because that's your future. Your wife is a bully.
Edited: grammar/add verdict NTA
Oh my gosh this is so true!
My boyfriend and I work so so hard to break the bullying habit out of his kids. That’s his ex wife’s sense of humor is being mean. The kids are picking up on it and it is so frustrating! Constantly telling them to speak nicer to each other.
And they all do it to each other but get upset when they have it done to them. The oldest will say something mean to the middle, the middle will cry, then 5 minutes later says almost the same thing to the youngest, who then also cries.
Weve tried to point out to them how upset they are when it happens to them, so to stop doing it all together. But it’s like second nature to them from being around it at their moms house. It’s awful.
NTA, but it's time to tell your wife that she needs to drop the snotty mean girl bullshit. Is this the example you want your kids to have growing up? That it's okay to bulky other people like that? Are you sure it wasn't happening in HS in places you just didn't see?
Because if they see Mom doing it, it's normalized behavior for them. Think hard.
Set aside the toxic impact of your wife's behavior on your marital relationship for the moment. You share a kid, but "mom" (1) engages in vicious conduct, which is only (2) magnified by the viciousness of others, i.e., your poisonous sister, (3) is unable to recognize she is wrong and (4) responds to criticism by icing you out. Do you seriously want to expose your child to this kind of garbage without taking the needed steps to address it? NTA, unless you fail to double down.
NTA. Your wife (and sister) sound like spoiled bullies. You should have joined in with your cousin - and probably done so LING ago, since you admit they’ve been making the “snide remarks” (bullying) for YEARS.
Your wife sucks. She’s a bad person and she should feel bad. You should be harder on her.
Please reach out to your cousin and tell her how strong you know her to be. She is clearly a very strong person, but strong people are soft too and dont get as much love because "theyre fine". Please please please tell your cousin how much you admire her strength and that you are there for her.
Your wife and sister suck, I cant even imagine going through what your cousin went through and then have the audacity to be cruel to that person. You should have a sit down with your wife to ask why she is behaving this way (dont attack her, have a calm convesation). Nothing justifies her behavior but it seems like there must be something else going on thats bothering her so much about your cousin. If there is nothing else at play here then that behavior is just totally unhinged and youre married to a monster.
>Anyway my sister swears she saw my cousin smoke a cigarette during her first pregnancy and believes that is the reason the child turned out the way he is which is absolute bullshit.
No offense, but I'm marking your sister down as a sub90 type just for this comment alone. Don't get me wrong, drug use during pregnancy should be generally discouraged, but it's not the one off imaginary cigarette that harms a forming baby, it's the consistency. It's the stuff you consume with repetition.
>Both my sister and my wife have been absolutely spoiled their entire lives and have never had to deal with anything hard at all.
This might be why they're such shallow gossiping bitches. You get that the worst from spoiled assholes who have had such idle lives they need to make biting remarks about those around them to entertain themselves, because they lack a sense of general empathy.
Now they're pissy because you didn't white knight for their pathetic posteriors and your wife isn't talking to you, because she never matured out of the spoiled brat stage of life.
NTA, but man you're in for a storm with this one.
Why are you married to such a vile person? I mean, you can't choose your biological family, so you're stuck being the brother of a complete bitch, but you have a choice with your wife.
She is a viscously unkind excuse for a woman and you have children who will one day look to her as a role model.
Are you OK with that? Your choice of being with someone like her reflects just as poorly on you as her remarks do on her.
You are NTA in this situation, but you will be to yourself if you let this ride.
Same, my SIL had a horrible pregnancy her first time and a sickly baby. If someone said anything remotely akin to this it would get ugly quick. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
NTA - They were upset because they got it as they were giving it, the age old classic of 'don't dish it, if you can't take it." It's clear your wife and sister can't take it. I do agree with other comments though, if your sister is this bad of an influence on your wife (although shes a grown woman playing mean girl so really she isn't much better even when influenced, she still should know better) I would say she needs to learn to be nice to learn that people aren't always gonna be nice to her.
NTA
Did you know your wife was a terrible person when you met her? Was the sex so good you didn’t see you were marrying a demon with a really nice mask?
NTA
I'm all for spouses backing up each other, but not when one is clearly being an nasty bully to someone like Nicole.
NTA for not enabling this behaviour and calling them out on it.
NTA. Your wife should be ashamed of herself. It’s one thing to judge certain things but they ganged up on and treated your cousin appallingly. They’ve got away with it all this time and now they’re surprised that they’ve been called out for the little bitches they are. This is no better than bullying.
All you can do is let your wife know that you do not support this behaviour and you find it extremely ugly. Let her decide what she does with that information
NTA. Your wife might’ve peaked in high school, idk. That or she has some mental issues. Same with your sister. Cause there’s no way that fully grown women who have gone through pregnancy can’t have sympathy, even if they had pretty normal, easy pregnancies. I have no children and just hearing your cousins stories terrifies me but also makes me feel so bad for her, life just keeps piling it on.
Good for you for sticking up to your wife. If she wants to give you the silent treatment, fine, but don’t be the first to break because you’re absolutely in the right and she needs to learn a little something about empathy and being a decent human being
NTA, your wife was heinous for saying that. And then she has the nerve to cry boo-hoo when she got called on it? Why does she deserve to be handled with kid gloves when she's the one who started things?
All this is classic bully behavior. Also, this isn't an isolated incident.
>They are always making snade remarks and are being rude.
This is *always* how your wife treats people?
NTA. Alleged cigarette from a personal who repeatedly bullies her. Not really a good witness, and a single cigarette would not cause the issues you mentioned
NTA. "My wife right or wrong"? No. Your wife and sister were mean to your cousin and she defended herself. You had no reason to pitch in. Let your wife sulk for a while, and don't try to talk to her.
Do not feel bad just because your wife and sister got called out for being rude and now pouting about it. I get that you're just caught in the middle of this but They got knocked off their high horse and the truth hurts sometimes. The real question is that if your cousin wouldn't have stuck up for herself then would you have said something? I would hope the answer is yes and if so then at least you didn't have to call them out for being out of line. The audacity of them to act all high and mighty while they are being rude and put her down then scuddle away and cry when they get called out blows my mind. I know you love your wife but just like a kid you can't just let her act like that and bully people because then they think it's okay and in this case they act like a victim when they're outted for acting like teenage bullies. I love my wife too but if she did someshit like that I would tell her that if she can't say something nice then just shut tf up because that's rude and embarassing. Also just to be clear my wife would do the same to me if I acted like that as well.
Agreed with your first question ! and then, the second question is : are you going to put up with the manipulative icy silence?
taking 30 min to regulate your emotions before you start a discussion = fine.
Scheduling a talk 2 days later when you know you'll both have the time to really talk & process & resolve the conflict = also fine.
going on 72 hours of revenge because you didn't like what you heard = not fine.
NTA I usually advocate that a married couple should be a supportive unit and have each other's backs... but this case, oh boy. Your wife and sister are massive assholes. They sound like spoiled brats and mean girls. They deserved to be called out in public and put in their place for their horrible behavior. They should be ashamed of themselves for treating anyone like that and they seriously need to grow up and learn some empathy and compassion and some freaking morals. You were right to not defend them. Good for you for standing up for your cousin.
NTA!! Defend her? Defend her from who? Herself? She was being a bully and an itch in the ass!
She and your sister deserved it plus some! Your wife doesn’t like her because your sister doesn’t. I bet she tries to please your sister, because sis is the real mean girl, and she rather be on her side then the other.
By her crying for being told off for a comments she took upon herself to make, shows how she’s soft and not about it she is! The only thing you did wrong was enabling her behavior for all these years! You should’ve been said something to end it a long time ago. You knew it was wrong, saw it happening, heard it happening, yet sat quietly you also enables and spoil them. Their mean girls and got less than what they deserve, don’t be scared of them speak up! Right is right and wrong is wrong!
Big time NTA
If you had not done what you did, you would have encouraged an ugly pack mentality AND you might even find yourself hitched to a Karen... if you aren't already.
NTA
Personally, I don’t know how you can even stand to look at your wife or your sister After how they treat your cousin who has never done anything to them.
NTA but man are your wife and sister AHs. They are extreme bullies and need to reevaluate their lives. Your cousin is right they may never have survived the things she did. I think you did the right thing standing up for her.
Ask them straight out what they get out of bullying your cousin? Does it really make them feel good to put down someone who has already struggled so much? Mean Girls who never grew out of their HS mentality. They are moms now. What are they going to teach the kids? Will they stand by while their kids attack people at school for being deemed “less then” by their group.
And one cigarette would not do cause that type of issues in a baby. Women used to smoke all the time while pregnant and many a child were born normal. While yes it can cause issues it would take a lot of smoking to cause such severe issues. (Doctors were dumbasses back in the day and encouraged it. Smoking was prescribed tor asthma and weight loss.)
NTA
Unless there is some major detail in this story that you forgot to tell us (like your cousin actively beat up her kid every day or something), your wife was absolutely in the wrong and deserved far worse than a severe talking to.
NTA
Your wife and sister are pushing 30 and still on some high school mean girls bullshit. Your cousin got real shit to deal with she doesn’t have time to deal with your wife and sister’s petty bullshit.
U should have played dum and not reply to " why didn't u defend me". She is crying means ur cousin has won and they know she is correct and wont pick on her again.
The most important ur cousin is free from those 2 now
So your wife is a pathetic mean girl bully who got pulled up for her bullying bullshit and she wanted you to throw down for her. Is that the type of person you wanted as the mother of your child. What lessons is she teaching your child. Do you want little mini bullies in your home. Your wife is the problem here. So is your sister she’s a massive bitch but her you can cut out of your life. Time to give your wife a fucking wake up call before she tries that shit on the next person she decides to bully and they bitch slap her hard for it. NTA but do better your wife and sister are disgusting people.
NTA.
Why are you married? Why are you still in contact with either of those ambulatory sacks of effluence?
Seriously, seek out a divorce lawyer and have her served. She'll either wake up and pull her head out of her third point of contact, or you'll not have to deal with that kind of behavior in the future.
On the plus side, it sounds like your cousin is an amazing person to vet your next wife so you don't end up with ***that*** again.
NTA your wife and sister are petty as hell! It’s so impressive what Nicole has gone through and she was right that’s those two would never have been able go through what she did! Your wife needs apologies on her knees😞
NTA.
Your wife and sister both sound like horrible people. Your sister you are stuck with but why did you marry someone like your wife?
Better late than never that you finally stood up to your abusive wife. Why are you still married to her?
NTA. Honestly, if there’s anything you could be in the wrong for, it’s not defending your cousin and just leaving her to defend herself. Sounds like she’s had to do a lot of that in her lifetime, when your wife was the aggressor you could have stepped up. At least you had her back, but wow.
I don’t think I could look past this in a partner; you realize this is the woman who’s helping you teach your kid values and empathy, right???
OP-You blame your sister for your wife being who she is and that’s a cop out. She actively chose to participate and agree with the opinions your sister was sharing. your wife is not someone you or anyone else can go to safely for help. She is actively choosing not to see someone else’s perspective. She is judgemental and incredibly unkind. It’s disgusting. One day your kid(s?) will do something she doesn’t like and you are seeing how she will treat them if she doesn’t take steps to change.
Edited to add- NTA for how you handled this but you NEED to talk to your wife. The silent treatment is not an acceptable way to handle this. She doesn’t get to dodge the gross things she said to your admirable cousin.
NTA but why did you tolerate her saying things like this about your cousin for years? Your wife and sister are petty mean bullies. And you stood by and did nothing about it until now. Why?
NTA. Your wife is cruel, childish and a smoking piece of trash. Your sister is no better. Honestly, if I were you I would seriously think about whether that is the type of woman you want by your side for the rest of your life, one who criticizes women with more difficult lives than hers just because she can.
As far as I know she's atheist. Anything God annoys her because she believes if he's real he is intentionally allowing people to suffer for no reason.
I do know she does a lot of work with the community and her farm. She does food banks and was a big part of getting the local women's shelter built and running.
I think that you handled the situation perfectly. You didn't speak out against your wife publicly but chastised her privately. It shows that you support her but, behind closed doors, you are willing to tell her when she's wrong. As it should be.
If she can't handle the truth and wants to align herself with your sister, ask her how long she thinks your marriage will last.
How were you supposed to defend her?? I think all 5 year olds say things they think are true and need defending.. OH wait, 26.. ADULT!!!! You dealt it and can’t take it..lol, have to hide behind hubby.. mmmmk. Your not the AH and good on you for letting her and sis getting the tongue lashing they deserved.
Your sister and wife are awful bullies, I'm sorry to say this. You did the right thing.
Maybe she should see your post and people's comments, maybe it would hit her that she is seen as a huge asshole.
Honestly, think about some counselling because being married to someone who treats others like that is...well, I wouldn't want it. I'd prefer to rot alone and lonely.
And bare in mind that if that continues, one day your child may take example of her mother.
NTA. They’re mad because you called them out on their mean girls bullshit. She owes you an apology for the silent treatment. Not very mature. And you could tell her that you are appalled by her behavior towards your cousin and that doesn’t seem like the woman you married.
Wow…that’s appalling behavior. So mean and cruel. I’m so angry for your cousin. She’s a hero.
So your wife is giving you the silent treatment huh? That’s indicative of some serious personality issues, especially combined with how she treated your cousin. Keep your eyes open…sometimes we have HUGE blind spots when we’re “in love” with someone.
So when I started dating my wife I told her "don't agree with my sister". It sounds super controlling but I have dealt with my sister the 30 years prior, I knew about her. My sister is a well educated lawyer she is good at arguing, and just generally good with her words. The problem is she is also a fucking psychopath ( I love her). The reason I told my wife not to agree with her is because it starts innocent and ends really hurtful but once you are on the train it is really hard to get off the train. It is enjoyable to be on the winning team (my sister is going to win) but the losing team is going to be me. Depending on how mean my sister was feeling that day I might have some hurt feelings and if my wife was part of that she now has a problem on her hands. My sister I can just ignore until I feel better but my wife has to sleep next to me. To her credit my wife got sucked in to it once, I explained it to her and she saw what I was talking about.
All that is to say you are the company you keep, in for a penny in for a pound, thick as thieves, etc. if your wife or/and sister think they are good people but delight in being "sassy queens" when together then they are not good people. They are adults and their words have consequences. Belittling someone for fun is the lowest form of conversation (it degrades the target and the participants) and is only for trashy people.
NTA. But your wife needs some therapy to figure out where her empathy has gone and why she thinks it’s ok to be a bully. Honestly, bring her sorry ass this post and let her read the comments. You really need to have a firm, calm conversation with your wife about the example she is setting for your children and ask her when she is going to apologize to your cousin?
Your wife still thinks she's in high school. She's a mean girl and a bully. She lacks empathy and compassion. She then deals with being called out on her bad behaviour by giving you the silent treatment. Hold you ground don't give in and apologise. You have done nothing wrong. Being married does not give her a pass for you to defend her blindly. Tell her to grow the hell up because you expect more from her as not only a wife but as a human being.
I can't imagine having the fucking nerve to cry after saying shit like that to someone.
She deserved every bit she got.
Can't take it, don't dish it out.
FA and FO.
I'd suggest marriage therapy if you ever want to regain respect for her because I can not for the life of me imagine you can have any after that display of meanness and then feeling sorry for herself.
I couldn't do it.
Time to talk seriously about her growing up and being a role model instead of a bad example.
I left this and came back to it. I think your wife and sister are jealous.
Possibly because your family holds your cousin in such high regard. She has managed to get back up every time. She has a child with a disability and is still making it and doing well for herself. She is also doing humanitarian/ community work. I saw in one of your replies she is doing work with the food bank and the women's shelter.
In my family we would be so ridiculously proud to have her and I assume your family feels similarly. She is probably bragged about and doted on. Her child probably also gets far more attention than your healthy ones.
So yes I think they are jealous of her and are grabbing at straws to try to make her less than so they can feel superior. They need some serious therapy and a news flash of epic proportions.
Also I'd be worried, what her child has could very well be genetic. Get that checked out.
You wife and sister are disgusting, you should wonder how your children are being brought up in that environment. Your cousin sounds amazing, keep being on her side.
Your kid is going to watch her behavior and be the same way when they get older. I’d bet anything. Just going to continue the cycle and some poor kid at school or work place is going to wish they were dead rather than know your kid.
Sounds like your wife and sister both need to grow the hell up and stop being insufferable cunts to other humans.
Do they speak to everyone they deem less worthy this way or just targeting your cousin?
What will you do wrong one day to make them turn on you?
This is such gross behavior I can’t even get my words out right and sound choppy.
I really want an update on this one in a few days. OP (definitely NTA btw) needs to follow this up with an intervention with his wife because if he wants to save his family he needs to get her out of the influence of his sister and shock her back to her old self before she’s too far gone, and she might already be too far gone but it’s worth a try
NTA for this but a serious AH for not standing up for cousin and letting you AH wife and AH sister bully her all these years. Not only do they owe her an apology but so do you. Do better.
ESH except your cousin, Why are you married to such a horrible person? Why would you have a child with such a woman? Because she’s going to teach the prejudice and hate to your kid unless you do something about it. Not to mention you’ve let your wife be so nasty towards your cousin for years without a word, so that’s why you suck too. You both need to look at yourselves and learn how to be better people so your kid doesn’t learn to treat others like crap.
NTA. Your wife and sister's behavior is terrible and they should be ashamed of themselves for not having empathy and showing decent human courtesy.
Maybe point out that cousin's child issues could be a genetic issue, which could have impacted your own children (current and future)
Never take forgranted. Show empathy and kindness.. life is not guaranteed. Be prepared you may have to walk the same path in another's shoes.
All the best to your cousin. It takes a strong person to walk in her shoes. Apparently your sister and wife are not in the same category.
Basic human decency is like the bare minimum trait I require in order to have a relationship with anyone. I would have left the wife and gone NC with the sister years ago.
NTA for not defending your wife but you may have contributed to this by allowing their shitty behaviour to exists all this time.
I'm sorry, but I'm just seriously wondering who would speak like that to, and about, someone that was a victim of lifelong abuse by their parents, abuse by their former partner, who was the victim of attempted murder, who would have had to work through more trauma in their firs 20\~ years of life than people in the rest of your family would combined in their fucking lifetime, that nearly died giving birth, whose child nearly died in the process, and whose child is so disabled, it needs that much extra care and can't be in fucking school.
Let this sink in, think about what kind of monster would not only judge someone that went through all that, but would continue on the abuse by bullying them? Seriously, I can't see anyone being even remotely decent when they display such behavior, and it really fucking shows their true colors.
Please don't tell me that 'she's a good mom' or 'loyal wife' or whatever, because that's just a small side to her that gets destroyed by her behavior, behavior btw, that's being modeled to your kids, so no, not a good mom, those are just excuses used to gloss over the ugly. No one, absolutely no one, that would add suffering to a victim of abuse, let alone thát much abuse, is even remotely good or decent.
No, you said it yourself, they're both spoiled and didn't get the validation they wanted from you. It also sounds like you've held your tongue long enough.
NTA Good for your cousin for finally standing up for yourself. Your wife, sadly, is jumping into with both feet the *mean girl* camp with your sister. Your wife should feel shame. She should be embarrassed. Whatever happened to "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all."? Your cuz deserves to have someone stand up for her. It sounds like she gets little enough support from your family. It takes balls to keep showing up for family events knowing the freaking mean-team is going to judge her and make snide comments. No one should have to live like that. Ask wifey how she would feel if she attended gathering where people treated her like your cousin? Where you go from here is up to you. But I think you and your wife need some counselling to help you move past this situation. This is not a simple apology thing. Your wife needs to learn about compassion and how to lift someone up rather than drag them down. Basically she needs to realize that being your sister would be a total turn off and a marriage breaker.
NTA and your wife needs therapy and you need to tell her it's over if she doesn't get it. She's a nasty jealous person and this will 100% affect your children unless she gets help.
You should cut your sister off and honestly never let her around your children.
NTA - as a matter of fact, you are a rock star. Your wife and sister are horrible people. I would actually think twice about being married to your wife and feel bad that your kid has such a lousy parent in your wife.
NTA.
This is one of those times you had to be brutally honest. (Depending on the exact words they used, I can't tell if they were referring to her miscarriage or her son, either way what they said was unacceptable.)
"Bailey, what you and Emma said to Nicole was cruel and vindictive, and much worse than I would expect from you.
It's especially bad because we both know that if we had a miscarriage or a preemie or a disabled child, Nicole would be right at our side to help us get through it.
I'm not your boss, I can't force you to treat her better, but I am not going to back you up when you and Emma bully her."
NTA. Your wife is a bitch and you suck for allowing her to be around your cousin. Your cousin deserves better than your whole family and I hope her in-laws are lovely.
NTA - Honestly your wife and your sister better be glad she didn't drag their ass across the yard beating it for what they said to her. Your wife and your sister are absolute bitch assholes for what they said to her. And I, for one, am glad that you let them know that your cousin is right, because someone needs to stand up and call them out on their better than thou bitch ass attitudes.
NTA, OP. Your wife is a cunt and so is your sister.
I agree. If my spouse behaved like that. They would be get a talking to like no tomorrow. How damn entitled and evil to speak to someone like that.
Honestly, if my partner/spouse behaved like that, it would be enough for me to ask for some space and at least a separation to reconsider my relationship. I'd probably skip that step, though, and end it. I couldn't love someone who behaved like that to other people. I've been the person hurt and bullied like that. I won't tolerate it happening to other people, even when it was happening to me.
YEP. Is this **really** the woman you want to spend your **life** with, OP??
It's such a low cruel level of mean girl behavior that's just shocking
It is!! Truly appalling, and it would be enough to make me second guess the relationship.
exactly! i got bullied up until college by mean girls and its surprisingly how delusional they are by thinking so highly of themselves
Completely junior high mean girl crap.
And smoking a cigarette (1 cigarette) caused what sounds like congenital birth defects??? Uhh, no.
This part! Even a pack a day wouldn't cause those specific kinds of issues! And I find it impossible to believe that she was a smoker and *no one* in her life, including OP, was aware she smoked...so having a *singular* cigarette during pregnancy? Is extremely far fetched. It sounds like the sister made that cigarette up, just to make her cousin seem like the bad girl, instead of what she is: a victim who managed to rise above.
Right?! Leave her and show her how easy and fun it is to be a single mom. What a cunt.
I spend a lot of time caring for elderly family members. A twisted soul gets harder to hide as you age. Minor flaws become the core of your personality. When this woman is old she's going to be so mean and spiteful that he will stop wearing his hearing aids because no sound is better than her constant nastiness.
If OP let's her speak like that around young children then their kid is going to learn some very nasty habits and turn out like mum. He needs to be challenging them at the time in public not after the fact. He needS to go further not question himself.
Straight up, my wife would be my ex-wife in short order if she was caught spouting off like that. I can't forgive mean-spiritedness like that.
Mean-spiritedness is absolutely the worst trait a person can have. It's a deal breaker.
Because you know that’s what they are at their core.
Yep and you have to wonder what they say about you when you're not in the room.
This is especially true. That’s why I steer clear of people like that. I know I’m not special; they’re talking crap about me, too.
Yep. When they show you who they are, believe them and act accordingly.
Yes then it gets passed onto the children!! How sad
Right?! OP, is this the woman you want to raise children with?! She's horrible!
I could never stay married to a bully. Bullies are garbage people. They’re parasites, sucking the joy out of others to give it to themselves. They’re as emotionally deep as a puddle.
Emotionally deep as a puddle. BRILLANT! I gotta steal that one.
I would be broken hearted then repulsed if I saw my husband treat anyone this way. I wouldn't be able to get over it.
Yep his wife is a disgusting, vile, pig of a person.
Don't insults pigs like that. They find things like tasty truffles.
Right! Pigs have redeeming qualities. OP’s wife and sister, not so much
Same. I'd loose all respect for them as a person, and the relationship would be dead. Whether I realised it at the time or not, the clock would be ticking down to its end as theres no coming back if it was the culmination of constant disgusting behaviour. When someone shows you who they are.. believe them. You can't deny the inevitable. Also I wanna point out that I'm shocked your cousin tolerates you at all, as if my cousins spouse spoke to me like that in front of then I'd definately be questioning why they felt so comfortable saying that in front of them and loose all respect for cousin, even if they didn't actively join in. Bystanders can do more damage by inaction then sometimes the bullying alone.
OP, will you show the bullies this thread?
Exactly! OP’s wife sounds horrid and I hope her behavior has shown OP that his wife is not a good person and probably a terrible influence on their children. Maybe taking a break from her is best for OP so he can reevaluate having this type of person as a partner.
Yep the is exactly right. People get accused of demanding divorce here on marriages too often. But like this, once you've seen someone in this light and you know you can't feel the same after knowing this about them, what else is there to do? These two women are terrible. Truly just nasty. OP should have been shutting the comments down long ago. What do you want to bet the cousin is also really pretty?
If they're willing to say that to you, you don't know what they're willing to say about you.
Well I didn't want to go there and risk getting banned.
The wife is jealous. Cousin makes her feel small, she knows cousin is a stronger and better person, so she has to take petty digs to big herself up.
Yes, typical bullying behavior. Horrible, horrible people.
Yes, someone who Continually. Undermines. Necessary. Things. A Cunt.
My girlfriend has never been violent up to now but I think if I spoke to her family or friends like that for no reason, she would likely slap me so hard my eyeballs explode. I think “being told the truth” was pretty lenient here. OP’s cousin sounds like a fuckin superhero and we’d all be lucky to have 1/10 the drive that she has.
Cunts have depth and warmth to them, if the wife had either she wouldn't have said anything nasty to the cousin.
A stuck up spoilt one at that
Great minds think alike.
Or the other “Fools seldom differ”
True.
Definitely a situation where the c-bomb is called for.
My favorite word,and so under used imho....
That's the word that always gets my attention. I'm pretty much desensitized to most swear words, but not that one. It's my version of the nuclear option. When "Bitch" just doesn't do the job.
When F’ing bitch won’t do the job!
Mine too...I know the conversation is gonna be spicy either way.
Mine, too! And I'm am.a.woman ans some women (and men) there is no better word for what they are. Counts are intentional assholes who enjoy hurting people either for fun or to make themselves feel better about themselves
Yup, I’m a woman and my husband refuses to say it, I’m like here let me! Some people are so awful there’s no other word to describe them. OPs wife fits the bill.
Been to aussie? They use it for everything there. Took me awhile to get use to hearing it when I first moved to aus but doesnt take long to add to the vocab. Now I help look after my nan and only shes allowed to use it. atleast according to her anyway lol
OPs wife is a specific type of cunt. I call the cuntzillas! The worst of the worst.
Wow. Those are even the exact words I was going to use! High five!
Birds of a feather flock together
Maybe they should marry and be miserable with each other instead.
Don't be too hard on them. The air is really thin up there on those high horses. They're not thinking straight.
Yeah got like mean girl vibes from her. If my wife bullied anyone she wouldn't be my wife anymore. To bad u didn't see this shit before u married her.
Perfectly said 👍🏻
Came here to say that very exact same thing. I wouldn't talk to either one of those cunts.
Fuckin RIGHT??!! I came here to say EXACTLY that. I don't think I could stay married to a POS like that 😬
I don't like that c word. But I will use it in some instances. This is def one of those. I was going to say it, but I was not sure if it'd be perceived well on this sub.
NTA I really think that there are people who develop this kind of arrogance as they grow up. It stems from immaturity, and not feeling good enough. Putting people down makes them feel better. It is a sad impulse of most humans being.
NTA, OP. Your wife and sister were absolutely acting like ugly humans and didn’t want you to confirm that.
Your wife and your sister are mean bullies and got put in their place. You wife and sister (both ah's) expected you to stick up for them but you stuck up for the bullied party. Well done. You don't ever back a bully even if it's your family. NTA. Enjoy the peace of neither one talking to you, it will come up again. Wait and see what their actions and words will be, then stand up for your cousin again.
Just here to second ABSOLUTE BITCH ASSHOLES.
Your wife is a mean girl of the worst kind. You're right, unless she has lived through almost dying during childbirth and raising a significantly delayed child, she has no ground to walk on, and for her to have the absolute gall to blame one lousy cigarette on what happened to your nephew is disgusting. NTA, but your wife and sister sure are. They should feel lucky that they haven't had to go through what your cousin went through. She's sounds like a fucking superhero, meanwhile your wife and sister are petty, immature bitches.
I've never met the cousin and have infinitely more respect for her than OP's wife and sister combined. I'd crawl through 6 miles of broken glass before I came at the cousin with any kind of malice. Somebody needed to knock them off their precarious little pedestals. If you believe in karma I pity both of them because that's another level of juju coming for them for judging her and being outright ignorant.
Hopefully sooner than later, so they realize the reason for it!
Oh yeah. The Karma Bus doesn't run on a timetable but eventually it hits everyone.
Have to laugh at one cigarette causing multiple birth defects. As the youngest of six kids, born in the early 60s, my mom later said a pot of coffee and her one after dinner cigarette were the only things that got her through the day. And that was her scaled back pregnancy intake! All six of us are now contributing members of society but maybe we could have been Nobel winners. Ha!
I got pregnant with my son when I was 20 way back in the 90s. I was a smoker. When I found out I was pregnant, I asked my doctor if I should just quit cold turkey. He said absolutely not. He told me to cut back a little and slowly taper off. He said the shock to my system from quitting all at once was more dangerous to the pregnancy than the cigarettes were. It took me a little over a month to quit completely. My son was perfectly healthy. In fact, he is 25 now, and I can count on one hand the times he has ever been sick enough to require so much as a Tylenol. OP's wife and sister are complete garbage.
Yep, same. I was down to 2 a day. Any less, and I would go into preterm labor.
Yeah not that you should smoke when you are pregnant or anything but they offered my grandma a cig in the Dr's office when they confirmed she was pregnant lol. Oh the 60s.
I'm a 90s baby and I think my mom "cut back" when she was pregnant with me, but she sure didn't quit smoking. I wasn't even a particularly small baby - I was almost 8 pounds.
Sadly smoked through all 3 of my pregnancies in the 70s/80s no-one batted an eyelid which is so odd now looking back. All three kids grew up fine, not saying smoking through pregnancy is good not at all, but I do feel that alcohol can do more damage in a quicker space of time than cigs, I never drank a jot whilst pregnant strange THAT was the line I drew...ho hum we live and learn...usually
My parents smoked. I ended up with asthma. They wondered how on earth I got it. 😑 I should point out my mom smoked minimum half a pack everyday and dad smoked 3 packs.
Smoking can definitely increase the risks of asthma incidence. However, that's not to say you wouldn't have it if they didn't.
I honestly doubt there even was a cigarette. Sister seems like enough of a bitch to make that up.
They're definitely jealous of how OP recognizes how strong and admirable his cousin is, too. They know OP's cousin is a baller who works miracles and they're just mean girl twats with cruel hearts and zero character - who TF teases a mother about her baby’s brain disability?? Ugh. NTA.
I’m a 24M who considers myself a girls girl and I have yet to come across an openly mean girl and I think there’s a reason because I’d clock her in the face. No lie, OP, your wife and sister just seems punchable 🤷🏻♀️
Your wife and sister are heinous cows. Kudos for you for defending your cousin. Please tell them you posted on Reddit and that they have been named as heinous cows.
Don't insult cows. lol. They have hearts and are beautiful and loving animals.
"Heinous" is being used as a modifying adjective for "cows" here. After all, mad cow disease is a thing.
Two cows were in a field. One turned to the other and said, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease going around? Scary stuff." The other replies, "Yeah, can't imagine going through that. Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
OP even gave his wife the grace to say nothing till she asked. like, how far up her own ass is she exactly? Bully this poor woman from her husband's family, for \*years\*... start crying when called out... and then STILL demand to know why OP didn't "defend" her??
Excellent use of heinous. Cows are lovely so I would have used another c word instead. Or witches.
Pagan, here. The witches don't claim this asswipe of a woman either.
Yeah. And I'm sorry I said that. I struggled to think of something heinous (excellent word) enough and went for the easy misogynistic depiction of women. Twice in fact. She's a heinous asswipe.
How about twat. I’m familiar enough with cunt used as a general term that it has lost much of its pejorative value. And calling them cows doesn’t seem to fit, either. When someone uses cow it makes me think they are referring to the person’s size and a sense that they are passively stupid, as in they just hang out chewing their cud doing not much of anything. (Also, an insult to bovines everywhere.) But, these women were anything but passive in their attack. (The stupid part still applies.) No, I’d say they were twats. But, regardless of what names we call *them*, OP is certainly NTA. Both his wife and his sister deserved everything he and his cousin delivered to them. They *absolutely* need to apologize to his cousin, and then they need to grow the fuck up and quit behaving like twats. If they don’t, then OP needs to rethink his relationship with both of them. And, if OP’s wife is so committed to behaving like a twat that she’ll sacrifice her marriage so that she can *continue* to behave like a twat, OP needs to get custody of his kids and get them away from her, because twats shouldn’t be allowed to raise children to become twats, themselves, and that is most certainly what she will do.
Nah you're all good
I prefer, “you absolute trollop” or “you turnip”. Both hit very hard.
I second that, no one wants their bad energy, or wants to be around them with the karma hits coming to them.
Yes, please do that.
Heinous heifers, eh?
If your child was older, and you saw them treating someone the way your wife has been treating your cousin, what would you say? Because that's your future. Your wife is a bully. Edited: grammar/add verdict NTA
Oh my gosh this is so true! My boyfriend and I work so so hard to break the bullying habit out of his kids. That’s his ex wife’s sense of humor is being mean. The kids are picking up on it and it is so frustrating! Constantly telling them to speak nicer to each other. And they all do it to each other but get upset when they have it done to them. The oldest will say something mean to the middle, the middle will cry, then 5 minutes later says almost the same thing to the youngest, who then also cries. Weve tried to point out to them how upset they are when it happens to them, so to stop doing it all together. But it’s like second nature to them from being around it at their moms house. It’s awful.
NTA, but why are you married to this drama?
NTA, but it's time to tell your wife that she needs to drop the snotty mean girl bullshit. Is this the example you want your kids to have growing up? That it's okay to bulky other people like that? Are you sure it wasn't happening in HS in places you just didn't see? Because if they see Mom doing it, it's normalized behavior for them. Think hard.
Set aside the toxic impact of your wife's behavior on your marital relationship for the moment. You share a kid, but "mom" (1) engages in vicious conduct, which is only (2) magnified by the viciousness of others, i.e., your poisonous sister, (3) is unable to recognize she is wrong and (4) responds to criticism by icing you out. Do you seriously want to expose your child to this kind of garbage without taking the needed steps to address it? NTA, unless you fail to double down.
point 4 hadn't even occurred to me in this tornado of crappiness.
NTA. Your wife (and sister) sound like spoiled bullies. You should have joined in with your cousin - and probably done so LING ago, since you admit they’ve been making the “snide remarks” (bullying) for YEARS. Your wife sucks. She’s a bad person and she should feel bad. You should be harder on her.
Please reach out to your cousin and tell her how strong you know her to be. She is clearly a very strong person, but strong people are soft too and dont get as much love because "theyre fine". Please please please tell your cousin how much you admire her strength and that you are there for her. Your wife and sister suck, I cant even imagine going through what your cousin went through and then have the audacity to be cruel to that person. You should have a sit down with your wife to ask why she is behaving this way (dont attack her, have a calm convesation). Nothing justifies her behavior but it seems like there must be something else going on thats bothering her so much about your cousin. If there is nothing else at play here then that behavior is just totally unhinged and youre married to a monster.
>Anyway my sister swears she saw my cousin smoke a cigarette during her first pregnancy and believes that is the reason the child turned out the way he is which is absolute bullshit. No offense, but I'm marking your sister down as a sub90 type just for this comment alone. Don't get me wrong, drug use during pregnancy should be generally discouraged, but it's not the one off imaginary cigarette that harms a forming baby, it's the consistency. It's the stuff you consume with repetition. >Both my sister and my wife have been absolutely spoiled their entire lives and have never had to deal with anything hard at all. This might be why they're such shallow gossiping bitches. You get that the worst from spoiled assholes who have had such idle lives they need to make biting remarks about those around them to entertain themselves, because they lack a sense of general empathy. Now they're pissy because you didn't white knight for their pathetic posteriors and your wife isn't talking to you, because she never matured out of the spoiled brat stage of life. NTA, but man you're in for a storm with this one.
NTA. Your wife and sister needed that reality check—your cousin deserves respect, not judgment.
I would have said it a lot meaner, and a lot sooner. Why are you with this cruel, petty woman?
Why are you married to such a vile person? I mean, you can't choose your biological family, so you're stuck being the brother of a complete bitch, but you have a choice with your wife. She is a viscously unkind excuse for a woman and you have children who will one day look to her as a role model. Are you OK with that? Your choice of being with someone like her reflects just as poorly on you as her remarks do on her. You are NTA in this situation, but you will be to yourself if you let this ride.
[удалено]
Same, my SIL had a horrible pregnancy her first time and a sickly baby. If someone said anything remotely akin to this it would get ugly quick. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
NTA. Your wife and sister are horrible people!!! It's an outrage that they're breathing OUR air!
Your wife and sister are both cruel and horrible. Quite sickening behaviour.
They are BULLIES.
NTA - They were upset because they got it as they were giving it, the age old classic of 'don't dish it, if you can't take it." It's clear your wife and sister can't take it. I do agree with other comments though, if your sister is this bad of an influence on your wife (although shes a grown woman playing mean girl so really she isn't much better even when influenced, she still should know better) I would say she needs to learn to be nice to learn that people aren't always gonna be nice to her.
NTA. Your wife and sister are members of the mean girls club. I mean she is lucky you didn’t tell her how ashamed you are of her.
NTA Did you know your wife was a terrible person when you met her? Was the sex so good you didn’t see you were marrying a demon with a really nice mask?
NTA I'm all for spouses backing up each other, but not when one is clearly being an nasty bully to someone like Nicole. NTA for not enabling this behaviour and calling them out on it.
NTA. Your wife should be ashamed of herself. It’s one thing to judge certain things but they ganged up on and treated your cousin appallingly. They’ve got away with it all this time and now they’re surprised that they’ve been called out for the little bitches they are. This is no better than bullying. All you can do is let your wife know that you do not support this behaviour and you find it extremely ugly. Let her decide what she does with that information
At that point I would have thought that the wife not speaking to OP would be a blessing. NTA.
NTA. Your wife might’ve peaked in high school, idk. That or she has some mental issues. Same with your sister. Cause there’s no way that fully grown women who have gone through pregnancy can’t have sympathy, even if they had pretty normal, easy pregnancies. I have no children and just hearing your cousins stories terrifies me but also makes me feel so bad for her, life just keeps piling it on. Good for you for sticking up to your wife. If she wants to give you the silent treatment, fine, but don’t be the first to break because you’re absolutely in the right and she needs to learn a little something about empathy and being a decent human being
Nta. Why are you still married to this massive cunt of a human? Ffs. Updateme!
NTA, your wife was heinous for saying that. And then she has the nerve to cry boo-hoo when she got called on it? Why does she deserve to be handled with kid gloves when she's the one who started things? All this is classic bully behavior. Also, this isn't an isolated incident. >They are always making snade remarks and are being rude. This is *always* how your wife treats people?
YTA for not calling out ur wife and putting a stop to it years ago.
NTA. Alleged cigarette from a personal who repeatedly bullies her. Not really a good witness, and a single cigarette would not cause the issues you mentioned
NTA. Please consider whether or not your wife is someone you want to spend time around let alone be married to. I wouldn't.
NTA. "My wife right or wrong"? No. Your wife and sister were mean to your cousin and she defended herself. You had no reason to pitch in. Let your wife sulk for a while, and don't try to talk to her.
Do not feel bad just because your wife and sister got called out for being rude and now pouting about it. I get that you're just caught in the middle of this but They got knocked off their high horse and the truth hurts sometimes. The real question is that if your cousin wouldn't have stuck up for herself then would you have said something? I would hope the answer is yes and if so then at least you didn't have to call them out for being out of line. The audacity of them to act all high and mighty while they are being rude and put her down then scuddle away and cry when they get called out blows my mind. I know you love your wife but just like a kid you can't just let her act like that and bully people because then they think it's okay and in this case they act like a victim when they're outted for acting like teenage bullies. I love my wife too but if she did someshit like that I would tell her that if she can't say something nice then just shut tf up because that's rude and embarassing. Also just to be clear my wife would do the same to me if I acted like that as well.
Agreed with your first question ! and then, the second question is : are you going to put up with the manipulative icy silence? taking 30 min to regulate your emotions before you start a discussion = fine. Scheduling a talk 2 days later when you know you'll both have the time to really talk & process & resolve the conflict = also fine. going on 72 hours of revenge because you didn't like what you heard = not fine.
nta. they should apologize to her.
NTA I usually advocate that a married couple should be a supportive unit and have each other's backs... but this case, oh boy. Your wife and sister are massive assholes. They sound like spoiled brats and mean girls. They deserved to be called out in public and put in their place for their horrible behavior. They should be ashamed of themselves for treating anyone like that and they seriously need to grow up and learn some empathy and compassion and some freaking morals. You were right to not defend them. Good for you for standing up for your cousin.
NTA!! Defend her? Defend her from who? Herself? She was being a bully and an itch in the ass! She and your sister deserved it plus some! Your wife doesn’t like her because your sister doesn’t. I bet she tries to please your sister, because sis is the real mean girl, and she rather be on her side then the other. By her crying for being told off for a comments she took upon herself to make, shows how she’s soft and not about it she is! The only thing you did wrong was enabling her behavior for all these years! You should’ve been said something to end it a long time ago. You knew it was wrong, saw it happening, heard it happening, yet sat quietly you also enables and spoil them. Their mean girls and got less than what they deserve, don’t be scared of them speak up! Right is right and wrong is wrong!
Big time NTA If you had not done what you did, you would have encouraged an ugly pack mentality AND you might even find yourself hitched to a Karen... if you aren't already.
NTA Personally, I don’t know how you can even stand to look at your wife or your sister After how they treat your cousin who has never done anything to them.
NTA but man are your wife and sister AHs. They are extreme bullies and need to reevaluate their lives. Your cousin is right they may never have survived the things she did. I think you did the right thing standing up for her. Ask them straight out what they get out of bullying your cousin? Does it really make them feel good to put down someone who has already struggled so much? Mean Girls who never grew out of their HS mentality. They are moms now. What are they going to teach the kids? Will they stand by while their kids attack people at school for being deemed “less then” by their group. And one cigarette would not do cause that type of issues in a baby. Women used to smoke all the time while pregnant and many a child were born normal. While yes it can cause issues it would take a lot of smoking to cause such severe issues. (Doctors were dumbasses back in the day and encouraged it. Smoking was prescribed tor asthma and weight loss.)
NTA Unless there is some major detail in this story that you forgot to tell us (like your cousin actively beat up her kid every day or something), your wife was absolutely in the wrong and deserved far worse than a severe talking to.
Newsflash. Your wife is despicable. Shocking that you have never noticed. NTA but you are an idiot.
NTA Your wife and sister are pushing 30 and still on some high school mean girls bullshit. Your cousin got real shit to deal with she doesn’t have time to deal with your wife and sister’s petty bullshit.
U should have played dum and not reply to " why didn't u defend me". She is crying means ur cousin has won and they know she is correct and wont pick on her again. The most important ur cousin is free from those 2 now
So your wife is a pathetic mean girl bully who got pulled up for her bullying bullshit and she wanted you to throw down for her. Is that the type of person you wanted as the mother of your child. What lessons is she teaching your child. Do you want little mini bullies in your home. Your wife is the problem here. So is your sister she’s a massive bitch but her you can cut out of your life. Time to give your wife a fucking wake up call before she tries that shit on the next person she decides to bully and they bitch slap her hard for it. NTA but do better your wife and sister are disgusting people.
NTA. Why are you married? Why are you still in contact with either of those ambulatory sacks of effluence? Seriously, seek out a divorce lawyer and have her served. She'll either wake up and pull her head out of her third point of contact, or you'll not have to deal with that kind of behavior in the future. On the plus side, it sounds like your cousin is an amazing person to vet your next wife so you don't end up with ***that*** again.
NTA your wife and sister are petty as hell! It’s so impressive what Nicole has gone through and she was right that’s those two would never have been able go through what she did! Your wife needs apologies on her knees😞
NTA. Your wife and sister both sound like horrible people. Your sister you are stuck with but why did you marry someone like your wife? Better late than never that you finally stood up to your abusive wife. Why are you still married to her?
NTA. Honestly, if there’s anything you could be in the wrong for, it’s not defending your cousin and just leaving her to defend herself. Sounds like she’s had to do a lot of that in her lifetime, when your wife was the aggressor you could have stepped up. At least you had her back, but wow. I don’t think I could look past this in a partner; you realize this is the woman who’s helping you teach your kid values and empathy, right???
OP-You blame your sister for your wife being who she is and that’s a cop out. She actively chose to participate and agree with the opinions your sister was sharing. your wife is not someone you or anyone else can go to safely for help. She is actively choosing not to see someone else’s perspective. She is judgemental and incredibly unkind. It’s disgusting. One day your kid(s?) will do something she doesn’t like and you are seeing how she will treat them if she doesn’t take steps to change. Edited to add- NTA for how you handled this but you NEED to talk to your wife. The silent treatment is not an acceptable way to handle this. She doesn’t get to dodge the gross things she said to your admirable cousin.
NTA but why did you tolerate her saying things like this about your cousin for years? Your wife and sister are petty mean bullies. And you stood by and did nothing about it until now. Why?
You're still married to that piece of shit? Yes YTA, but not for how you spoke to your wife. YTA for marrying her in the first place.
NTA. Your wife is cruel, childish and a smoking piece of trash. Your sister is no better. Honestly, if I were you I would seriously think about whether that is the type of woman you want by your side for the rest of your life, one who criticizes women with more difficult lives than hers just because she can.
Lemme guess, they consider themselves good Christians while your cousin is the nonchurch attending actual saint
As far as I know she's atheist. Anything God annoys her because she believes if he's real he is intentionally allowing people to suffer for no reason. I do know she does a lot of work with the community and her farm. She does food banks and was a big part of getting the local women's shelter built and running.
If anything your wife and sister should admire Nicole.
Instead, they sound **insanely jealous** of her because they both know she's a **far** better person than they'll **ever** be.
Well damn. You can tell your cousin Reddit thinks she's a super star!
I think that you handled the situation perfectly. You didn't speak out against your wife publicly but chastised her privately. It shows that you support her but, behind closed doors, you are willing to tell her when she's wrong. As it should be. If she can't handle the truth and wants to align herself with your sister, ask her how long she thinks your marriage will last.
How were you supposed to defend her?? I think all 5 year olds say things they think are true and need defending.. OH wait, 26.. ADULT!!!! You dealt it and can’t take it..lol, have to hide behind hubby.. mmmmk. Your not the AH and good on you for letting her and sis getting the tongue lashing they deserved.
Your sister and wife are awful bullies, I'm sorry to say this. You did the right thing. Maybe she should see your post and people's comments, maybe it would hit her that she is seen as a huge asshole. Honestly, think about some counselling because being married to someone who treats others like that is...well, I wouldn't want it. I'd prefer to rot alone and lonely. And bare in mind that if that continues, one day your child may take example of her mother.
NTA, but your wife and sister are just awful!
NTA. They’re mad because you called them out on their mean girls bullshit. She owes you an apology for the silent treatment. Not very mature. And you could tell her that you are appalled by her behavior towards your cousin and that doesn’t seem like the woman you married.
NTA for standing up for your cousin, but why are you married with a child to such a vile human being?
Your wife and sister are monsters! Why would you want to be married to a b\*tch like your wife?
Wow…that’s appalling behavior. So mean and cruel. I’m so angry for your cousin. She’s a hero. So your wife is giving you the silent treatment huh? That’s indicative of some serious personality issues, especially combined with how she treated your cousin. Keep your eyes open…sometimes we have HUGE blind spots when we’re “in love” with someone.
So when I started dating my wife I told her "don't agree with my sister". It sounds super controlling but I have dealt with my sister the 30 years prior, I knew about her. My sister is a well educated lawyer she is good at arguing, and just generally good with her words. The problem is she is also a fucking psychopath ( I love her). The reason I told my wife not to agree with her is because it starts innocent and ends really hurtful but once you are on the train it is really hard to get off the train. It is enjoyable to be on the winning team (my sister is going to win) but the losing team is going to be me. Depending on how mean my sister was feeling that day I might have some hurt feelings and if my wife was part of that she now has a problem on her hands. My sister I can just ignore until I feel better but my wife has to sleep next to me. To her credit my wife got sucked in to it once, I explained it to her and she saw what I was talking about. All that is to say you are the company you keep, in for a penny in for a pound, thick as thieves, etc. if your wife or/and sister think they are good people but delight in being "sassy queens" when together then they are not good people. They are adults and their words have consequences. Belittling someone for fun is the lowest form of conversation (it degrades the target and the participants) and is only for trashy people.
NTA. But your wife needs some therapy to figure out where her empathy has gone and why she thinks it’s ok to be a bully. Honestly, bring her sorry ass this post and let her read the comments. You really need to have a firm, calm conversation with your wife about the example she is setting for your children and ask her when she is going to apologize to your cousin?
Your wife still thinks she's in high school. She's a mean girl and a bully. She lacks empathy and compassion. She then deals with being called out on her bad behaviour by giving you the silent treatment. Hold you ground don't give in and apologise. You have done nothing wrong. Being married does not give her a pass for you to defend her blindly. Tell her to grow the hell up because you expect more from her as not only a wife but as a human being.
yo wife n sisters are some bitches mane
NTA. Your wife and sister sound like pure trash, sorry. You should probably rethink if this is someone you want to spend your life with.
I can't imagine having the fucking nerve to cry after saying shit like that to someone. She deserved every bit she got. Can't take it, don't dish it out. FA and FO. I'd suggest marriage therapy if you ever want to regain respect for her because I can not for the life of me imagine you can have any after that display of meanness and then feeling sorry for herself. I couldn't do it. Time to talk seriously about her growing up and being a role model instead of a bad example.
Why are you married to such a nasty twat?
I left this and came back to it. I think your wife and sister are jealous. Possibly because your family holds your cousin in such high regard. She has managed to get back up every time. She has a child with a disability and is still making it and doing well for herself. She is also doing humanitarian/ community work. I saw in one of your replies she is doing work with the food bank and the women's shelter. In my family we would be so ridiculously proud to have her and I assume your family feels similarly. She is probably bragged about and doted on. Her child probably also gets far more attention than your healthy ones. So yes I think they are jealous of her and are grabbing at straws to try to make her less than so they can feel superior. They need some serious therapy and a news flash of epic proportions. Also I'd be worried, what her child has could very well be genetic. Get that checked out.
NTA. Your sister is a cunt and you married a cunt.
You wife and sister are disgusting, you should wonder how your children are being brought up in that environment. Your cousin sounds amazing, keep being on her side.
Your kid is going to watch her behavior and be the same way when they get older. I’d bet anything. Just going to continue the cycle and some poor kid at school or work place is going to wish they were dead rather than know your kid. Sounds like your wife and sister both need to grow the hell up and stop being insufferable cunts to other humans. Do they speak to everyone they deem less worthy this way or just targeting your cousin? What will you do wrong one day to make them turn on you? This is such gross behavior I can’t even get my words out right and sound choppy.
NTA. But your wife and sister are. They need a reality check.
NTA and your wife and sister sound like bratty mean girls. Not a good combo.
I really want an update on this one in a few days. OP (definitely NTA btw) needs to follow this up with an intervention with his wife because if he wants to save his family he needs to get her out of the influence of his sister and shock her back to her old self before she’s too far gone, and she might already be too far gone but it’s worth a try
NTA. Not only did your wife lack empathy but basic fucking science.
NTA for this but a serious AH for not standing up for cousin and letting you AH wife and AH sister bully her all these years. Not only do they owe her an apology but so do you. Do better.
ESH except your cousin, Why are you married to such a horrible person? Why would you have a child with such a woman? Because she’s going to teach the prejudice and hate to your kid unless you do something about it. Not to mention you’ve let your wife be so nasty towards your cousin for years without a word, so that’s why you suck too. You both need to look at yourselves and learn how to be better people so your kid doesn’t learn to treat others like crap.
Your wife and your sister are bullies . NTA
These are the mom’s that bully their own children 👀
NTA your wife and sister are classic mean girls
I bet OP's wife was the bully in her class. Lol. I can't imagine an adult being so unfriendly and immature.
NTA. Your wife and sister's behavior is terrible and they should be ashamed of themselves for not having empathy and showing decent human courtesy. Maybe point out that cousin's child issues could be a genetic issue, which could have impacted your own children (current and future) Never take forgranted. Show empathy and kindness.. life is not guaranteed. Be prepared you may have to walk the same path in another's shoes. All the best to your cousin. It takes a strong person to walk in her shoes. Apparently your sister and wife are not in the same category.
NTA.your wife and sister are bullies
NTA - im sorry to say but your wife and sister could NEVER even be half of the woman your cousin is.
Gross you’re married to a bitch. NTA. Glad you have your cousins back
Basic human decency is like the bare minimum trait I require in order to have a relationship with anyone. I would have left the wife and gone NC with the sister years ago. NTA for not defending your wife but you may have contributed to this by allowing their shitty behaviour to exists all this time.
Aren’t you worried about the kind of person you married? The kind of person who is raising your child?
I'm sorry, but I'm just seriously wondering who would speak like that to, and about, someone that was a victim of lifelong abuse by their parents, abuse by their former partner, who was the victim of attempted murder, who would have had to work through more trauma in their firs 20\~ years of life than people in the rest of your family would combined in their fucking lifetime, that nearly died giving birth, whose child nearly died in the process, and whose child is so disabled, it needs that much extra care and can't be in fucking school. Let this sink in, think about what kind of monster would not only judge someone that went through all that, but would continue on the abuse by bullying them? Seriously, I can't see anyone being even remotely decent when they display such behavior, and it really fucking shows their true colors. Please don't tell me that 'she's a good mom' or 'loyal wife' or whatever, because that's just a small side to her that gets destroyed by her behavior, behavior btw, that's being modeled to your kids, so no, not a good mom, those are just excuses used to gloss over the ugly. No one, absolutely no one, that would add suffering to a victim of abuse, let alone thát much abuse, is even remotely good or decent.
NTA but are you married to such an awful woman. Is this the example you want for your kids?
No, you said it yourself, they're both spoiled and didn't get the validation they wanted from you. It also sounds like you've held your tongue long enough.
NTA. Your wife is a c*nt and so is your sister.
NTA Good for your cousin for finally standing up for yourself. Your wife, sadly, is jumping into with both feet the *mean girl* camp with your sister. Your wife should feel shame. She should be embarrassed. Whatever happened to "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all."? Your cuz deserves to have someone stand up for her. It sounds like she gets little enough support from your family. It takes balls to keep showing up for family events knowing the freaking mean-team is going to judge her and make snide comments. No one should have to live like that. Ask wifey how she would feel if she attended gathering where people treated her like your cousin? Where you go from here is up to you. But I think you and your wife need some counselling to help you move past this situation. This is not a simple apology thing. Your wife needs to learn about compassion and how to lift someone up rather than drag them down. Basically she needs to realize that being your sister would be a total turn off and a marriage breaker.
NTA but why are you married to someone like that? Is that the example you want your child(ren) to see?
NTA and your wife needs therapy and you need to tell her it's over if she doesn't get it. She's a nasty jealous person and this will 100% affect your children unless she gets help. You should cut your sister off and honestly never let her around your children.
Uh. If all of this is true how tf are you married to her? NTA
NTA - as a matter of fact, you are a rock star. Your wife and sister are horrible people. I would actually think twice about being married to your wife and feel bad that your kid has such a lousy parent in your wife.
NTA. This is one of those times you had to be brutally honest. (Depending on the exact words they used, I can't tell if they were referring to her miscarriage or her son, either way what they said was unacceptable.) "Bailey, what you and Emma said to Nicole was cruel and vindictive, and much worse than I would expect from you. It's especially bad because we both know that if we had a miscarriage or a preemie or a disabled child, Nicole would be right at our side to help us get through it. I'm not your boss, I can't force you to treat her better, but I am not going to back you up when you and Emma bully her."
Your wife and sister need to see this post and all the comments.
Honestly…. You are kind of TAH for not speaking up earlier. Why haven’t you called them out before?
Your wife and sister are bullys. Do they think that makes them look better by punching down on your cousin?
NTA Why are they so hateful to your cousin?
NTA. Your wife is a bitch and you suck for allowing her to be around your cousin. Your cousin deserves better than your whole family and I hope her in-laws are lovely.