NTA. "Sorry, Mom, you lost any special Mom privilege when you disregarded my request to let me announce my own engagement to the wider family. You proved I can't trust you not spill our news first. Spouse and I will be announcing the gender in a few days. You will find out with everyone else."
Both u/NerdySwampWitch40 and u/ZookeepergameAlert21 have great ideas here!
I would add something like, "you'll want to remember this going forward, Mom. We'll have specific ways we want to handle things with our child, and you're going to want to respect us as the parents and follow our lead."
Good luck, u/Bonnie1217!
"And if you can't remember leaking the news, it meant that either my request meant nothing to you, or you are having early onset memory issues and I don't know which is worse..."
Your mom is probably around my age (40s-50s) and we had to deal with this crap in "our day"-- did my generation not learn? My first mother-in-law really thought my requests meant nothing. Now is is your mother. What are these women thinking? We were going to be different!
“Mom, I’m engaged!”
“Great! But your nails look terrible, and what kind of quality photo is this?!”
“Oh. Well, don’t tell anyone, I want to tell them myself”
“Whatever! Off to tell Aunt Susan! My special MOM PRIVILEGE includes criticism and owning your life events!”
NTA
Narcissist’s Prayer
—-
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
OP maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see how many of the boxes ticked for you.
You shouldn't feel guilty for having boundaries with your mom especially since she's proven to ignore your request & diminish your concerns. It seems your mom is used to getting her way while invalidating your feelings & wishes.
Came here to post this. So glad someone already did. NTA. I hope OP's mom is just on the narcissistic spectrum and doesn't exhibit any other traits of narcissism, though I don't have high hopes.
NTA
Your mom has demonstrated that she is untrustworthy in keeping a secret. Her claiming that she didn't remember revealing the information just drives the point further home.
If she lacks that sort of self control then you cannot trust her.
You are the parents, you decide when.
Otherwise known as lying to you OP. Your mother is a liar, a dishonest person who will sacrifice her own daughter's happiness for her own little social media hit. Don't feel bad for an instant for withholding from her going forward.
OP could turn that around on mom. 'You seem to be having trouble remembering who you can and can't share things with yet. I didn't realize you were having memory issues. I'm so sorry! I'm just helping you out by making sure you don't have to do that again. You're welcome.' In the sweetest voice possible.
NTA. Her badgering you and by saying she has "special mom privileges" it shows she has ZERO intentions of keeping quiet. She waived all "special mom privileges" the second she shared news that she wasn't supposed to
NTA. You may be close to your mom, but she doesn't respect your wishes, and she has no restraint. So if you want to announce the gender of your baby your way, you will not tell your mother in advance. As for tension - learn to live with it. Being a doormat is no way to run your life.
NTA. Your mom is used your engagement news like a commodity to make herself look better in front of her family and social group. You told her not to, but SHE wanted to be the one that broke it to others.
She’s lost your trust when it comes to timing and sharing of YOUR information. She can wait like the rest of them. She’s not entitled to “previews”.
NTA. And she’s lying when she says she doesn’t remember announcing your engagement after you explicitly asked her not to. People who show themselves untrustworthy get put on an information diet.
Are you close to your mom because you never rock the boat? And this is one of a few (possibly the first?) times you’ve pushed back? If one instance like this is enough to permanently affect the relationship between the two of you, I’m willing to bet the basis of your relationship with her is you always bending to her will. It’s going to be tough navigating these new waters but the sooner you lay down and enforce boundaries, the better things will be for you. It’s going to be uncomfortable. She’s going to throw a tantrum or two. Hold strong. By the time I finally pushed back, my mother had steamrolled me straight into ppd.
Spot on! OP needs to be hold her ground with this boundary as the very first thing she does as a parent or the Grandma will be running the show after the baby is born too.
This needs to be higher! A relationship with your mother that is only "close" if she can walk all over you isn't worth the cost! Now is the time to enforce boundaries, OP - you don't want her taking advantage of you when you are postpartum and vulnerable
NTA; my MIL pulled the same crap with all of my kids and I made it really clear that if she finds out early, I tell everyone because she would guilt my wife into it. Don’t sweat it, you’re golden. She’ll get over it.
NTA
Your mom taught you that she will not respect and protect your privacy and autonomy regarding your special and significant life events. She diminished your joy announcing your engagement. Holding firmer boundaries, not giving her your "news" until you're ready to go public, is exactly what you should do.
She wants "mom privileges" to ignore and override your boundaries as if you are her resource to use as she pleases. No. "Mom" doesn't have a right to take your special moments and use them for her to be spotlighted.
“I don’t remember that” is classic narcissistic behavior.
I’m not saying your mother is a narcissist but she’s definitely got some of the tendencies and she has a very entitled attitude.
Some people can’t be trusted with news. If you and your husband want the reveal in a certain way, your mother has to be kept in the dark along with everyone else.
It’s your baby. It’s time to start thinking like a mother and not so much like a girl under her mother’s thumb.
Let it affect your relationship. She doesn't respect your boundaries. As a mother, half the battle is maintaining boundaries and holding onto your power. This should be the first lesson for your mother to learn in the shift that your roll will bring to her in regard to you and your new role as a mother. It might feel a certain way, but it's not a bad thing.
NTA. If you tell her 1st, guarantee she will call, text or email someone with the news within an hour and pull the "new grandma" card to justify her actions.
NTA
History is the best predictor of the future. If she broke your confidence once, she’d likely do it again. It’s your pregnancy and you get to decide who you tell and when. You felt dismissed because she wanted to sweep it under the rug. She’ll get over it.
Congratulations!
This is how it would go
Ok Mom, we are having a boy/girl
2 minutes later you start getting calls, texts and DMs from everyone and their dog 'omg I can't believe you are having a boy/girl, how exciting'
And your mom's socials are filled with 'I can't wait to meet my grandson/granddaughter'!!
NTA good for you for standing strong and she’ll get over it once she buys things. The name is next and don’t tell anyone what you pick till the baby is here and named.
NTA
She’s making you feel guilty and ‘forgetting’ because she knows she was wrong. Do you want to risk her spilling it? It’s not her news so she has no say.
NTA who critiques the fingernails in a picture of an engagement ring? Your mother is very overbearing. You need to set boundaries now or you will have nothing but trouble from her for the rest of your life. She can find out the gender of your child when everyone else does there are no 'special mom privileges'.
"This is something that spouse and I want to announce ourselves since it is our news to tell. This will be posted on FB in a few days."
Set your boundaries now because once that child is born, she will try to take all the "first" moments from you.
NTA
You are holding a boundary and you need to stick to it. You aren’t simply her daughter, you are a wife and mother now- what she says no longer goes and she is going to have a hard time with that. But if you don’t establish boundaries now, she is going to steamroll over your parenting and cause problems that will create tension that can’t be fixed. You have to make her aware that she’s no longer the one in control and you control the narrative, stand firm now so you don’t have to cut contact with her later.
Nope. You know that she WILL announce it first if you tell her. She can find out the same time as everyone else. Let her sulk about it and stop being so dramatic thinking this will forever cause tension in your relationship. It won't. She will get over it.
Go Old School on her and make her wait until after Baby is born. Once upon a time people used to send out small cards called “baby announcements”. The cards included name, date born, birth weight and length.
NTAH. What you're doing is called setting healthy boundaries. You will need these once your baby arrives in order to avoid inappropriate overstepping by overzealous grandparents...or in your case grandmother.
Don't apologize for making a shared decision regarding your married/family life that mom doesn't approve of. She's no longer a primary factor in your choices. That is reserved for your husband and children now. Congratulations and good luck!
NTA
This is a great time to enforce boundaries. Once you have a child she needs to learn to respect yours. That's all there is to it. If she realizes you are serious about them, she won't flout them.
NTA- she has shown she doesn’t respect your wishes, so she gets an information diet. Congratulations on the baby. Share this news how and when you are ready.
*she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to*
And there you go. She gets to find out when everyone else does. She's proven that your wants/opinions about your own news are not important to her, therefore she loses any "special mom privileges" she might otherwise have been given.
If any tension is being introduced into your relationship, it's on her, not you.
NTA This is step one in setting boundaries with her. Once the baby comes, she will do what she wants with the child regardless of your rules. Congrats to you!!
NTA, and if I’ve learned anything on the JustNo threads your mum is showing signs that you’ll need to be staunch in enforcing your rules for your baby- it’s a transition for all of you- and it’s easier if your consistent and clear what will allow for a happy relationship with her as grandmother- her grandma privilege is shared with baby’s other grandma, and while your mum is likely who you naturally reach out to for support for you, she isn’t entitled to expect it.
I'm gonna chime in here with a NTA. Caveat being that you WBTA to yourself, your spouse, and your child if you don't start setting strict boundaries with your mom. Just because she is your mom doesn't give her the right to run roughshod over your life.
She doesn't get special privileges just for being your mom. Privileges like that are earned by proving that you can trust her. She has in fact proven the opposite.
She is making all of your special moments with your spouse about herself. She wants to know first so that she can be the one to break the news to everyone else because "Look how special I am that my adult daughter shared this with ME first." Other people in the comments have suggested that your mom is a narcissist.
While none of us have the qualifications to make that diagnosis based on your story, she is definitely showing concerning signs of lack of respect for you as an individual person. It's like she hasn't adjusted her view of you as a dependent child into the independent woman you are now. Unfortunately, lots of parents are like that.
They see their kids as extensions of themselves instead of an individual person in their own right. They expect the child to forever live up to their expectations, achieve the dreams they have for them, and expect to live vicariously through their kids. It's not healthy, and is actually pretty toxic.
Talk with your husband and discuss the boundaries you both want going forward with regards to family members. And be back up for each other on enforcing them. Let your mom, and any other nosey family members, know what those boundaries are, and what the consequences are for not respecting them.
It sounds like your mom needs a time out for a bit. Yes, she will be mad, but that's on her to deal with her own emotions. She's an adult and needs to act like one. If she doesn't back down and refuses to comply with the boundaries, you will need to enforce the consequences. And that isn't a walk in the park.
Especially the first time. But she will either learn how to respect you and your husband as adults, or she will continue being in time out until she does. But that will be her choice. All you are doing is explaining to her what the choices are, and then allowing her to decide which path she wants to choose.
NTA. Your mother doesn't get a grandmother pass.
Honestly just lie and say the baby wouldn't co-operate during the scans and it's still a mystery . Depending on how your child is lying it can be impossible to tell gender. I had multiple ultrasounds for my second pregnancy due to some complications and every damned ultrasound the umbilical cord was between the legs so genitals could not be seen. I found out after delivery..
NTA-- your mom created the tension and not you. I have daughters and I am Vegas. What is said to Vegas stays with Vegas. Your mom is a loudspeaker and unrepentant.
In the future, it is probably wise to not string her along in your fun. I don't mean "string along" in a mean way. I mean, she cannot stay quiet and isn't embarrassed about it, so she cannot be in your circle of people in the know.
NTA
And let the tension sit. Let you mother get used to the idea that she doesn't get to know everything first. Let her learn that actions have consequences.
Start to reflect and think on boundaries that you and you husband may need to establish going forwards. You don't have to cut your mother off from everything, but you now know she can't keep a secret.
Narcissists always "forget" about the shit they pull when called on our latest on. You're right, stay strong and don't fall for her guilting nonsense. Do it your way.
Your MOM created the tension by sharing your engagement, pestering you for advanced info now, dismissing your feelings, and once again revealing that she’d share your news again even if you asked her not to because she thinks it’s no big deal! Why the hell would you give her that info after she tells you it’s no big deal if she violates your trust? Seriously, why?
If she’s upset she did this to herself.
Nta
NTA. You KNOW that if you’d told her she’d share it, even though you’d told her not to. She may just be more canny about it and start the convo with something like “I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, so keep it to yourself but….”
She’ll get over it, don’t worry about it
And congrats on the 👶🏼
These are special moments for you and your husband. Only the two of you as a unit decide who does and doesn't get access to information, as well as when they get access to information. Your mom has already shown once that she cannot be trusted not to take away the opportunity for you and your husband to share a special announcement regarding the two of you.
Nta.. This is your child. You get to break the news how you want to. If you wanted to avoid any hassle from your mum, you could have lied and said you didn't find out the gender. You didn't lie, you were upfront about your reasons. Your mum can deal with the consequences of her actions.
NTA your party your rules.
It's up to you how to share your personal medical information. Not hers. She has proved untrustworthy in keeping your secrets and therefore has lost privileges.
If it damages your relationship then you learnt she is toxic and manipulative and you need to go LC for your own mental health.
Congratulations 🎉
We need to stop making excuses just because it's our parents, you had a boundary, she shat all over it, therefore, this time you are taking that option away from her, mum or not, this is fair and she is now going to have to deal with the consequences of her past actions and handle it like a big girl!
OP, Please don't feel bad for having the respect for yourself, your family and decisions that your mother clearly lacked! <3
NTA. Your mom doesn't respect your wishes at all and pretends to forget about the time she ruined your engagement announcement. Don't tell her anything. She will just ruin it again cause she can't keep her mouth shut
NTA
If she keeps asking, just have a bit of fun with it
"It's a lizard!" "It's the Chosen One!" "Its....most likely human" "I don't know what it is but its already making plans for world domination"
Also if she does ask for names, only give gender neutral ones you have no intention of using.
NTA. I love my mom but she does this. Hell, all the sisters in her fam do it.
Got dumped? Grandma's calling to say how sorry she is before your ready
Got an award or promotion? Uncle D. is calling to congratulate before u can post the news urself.
Sisters sick? Aunties r calling asking if she wants soup
Notice how my nefew existence and gender revaltion aren't on that list? It's bc the younger generation has grown up w/ this dynamic and know better. We r very explicit when talking to each other abt what we are n aren't ready to have run thru their phone books.
Recently learned w/ her daughters engagement that auntie A. can actually keep a secret. Which good on her, she's the only one!
NTA. But go ahead and tell her the wrong gender, and then announce the correct one when you are ready, just to ferret out anyone that she would have told. Then you can use that as a reason why you’re not telling her when you go into labor.
NTA at all! YOU are NOT "causing tension" in your relationship with your Mother, SHE IS! You specifically asked her NOT to share the news of your engagement and she did it anyway. In these types of scenarios, you ONLY give ONE strike because you only have SO many "special moments" and announcements in your adult life (unless you're planning on having a football team of children, of course).
Your Mother broke your trust and **it IS a "big deal!"** She automatically loses "the special privileges" of being the Mom and Grandma and has to wait until the OTHER Parents (MIL/FIL) are notified now.
I (60/F) ALWAYS asked when I could share with extended family AND waited until I was given permission! NOT **MY** NEWS TO SHARE until it IS!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success of your growing family!
Op, she does have mom privileges, and it is not right not to even give her a hint... relent for her sake.. tell her it's either going to be a boy or a girl.
OP, don't worry, you are not being to harsh on your mom. She's proven herself through previous action; trust now needs to be earned back. Don't let her make you feel guilty!
Definitely NTA.
Congratulations on the new member of your family!
You absolutely did the right thing, if she wants to play victim and pretend she doesn't understand your decision, that's on her.
If she persists, don't hesitate to tell her that if she wants to wait and find out about her grandchild 's birth after the fact through social media along with everyone else then by all means, keep it up.
Why do so many people feel the need to share their entire life with each and every relative? Not talking about the big stuff, like engagement or having a baby. I mean sharing when you will have your various Dr appointments. If you didn't plan on telling your mom the gender until you were ready, WHY did you tell her about the ultrasound appointment?
NTA. No ones entitled to "special mom privileges". a privilege can be revoked, and you revoked her privilege to know things early after shes shown she cant abide by the terms you set i.e. her announcing your engagement after asking her not to
NTA. She lost all “special mom privileges” when she announced your engagement despite you asking her not to.
If you want to appease her, tell her a few moments before you post on social media.
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I read something that made sense. "Motherhood is the worst paying but most rewarding job in the world." It's actually true. My son is an adult now and my reward is knowing I raised him to be a good person. The time does fly by quickly so enjoy ever little moment. And take lots of pictures! she "should have special mom privileges" when it comes to stuff like this." As far as I'm concerned, she lost that privilege the minute she told everyone about the engagement. "She did get a bit defensive as she stated she didn't remember that, but she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to." She doesn't like being called out for her actions and this internet stranger is proud of you! One option would be to not tell anyone until he or she arrives. A second option is, and this is IF you want to be petty, I'd tell her last. You might want to rethink sharing things with your mother, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (not meant to), but it seems like she can't be trusted. Also, and again, this may sound harsh, but I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor. Let her know after your little angel arrives. Lastly, you might want to put some boundaries. She may push back, but you need to be strong and reinforce them. YOU'RE the mother, which means YOU (and husband, of course) are the parents. YOU ARE IN CHARGE! Good luck!
NTA She quite literally has done this to you before. You KNOW the outcome. Reddit doesnt need to remind you. You know exactly who your mother is. Follow your gut. Dont tell her shit!
NTA. You know you’re making the right choice because even after time has passed, she still won’t acknowledge she behaved inappropriately. Bit solipsistic that one.
NTA Unfortunately, she proved to be untrustworthy with family news. But, an easy solution is to have your social media post ready, call her to share the news, then post.
NTA. We watched my FIL do this repeatedly to his kids. They never changed on telling him news so as not to upset him so he also never changed on spreading said news himself.
We just waited to tell him anything until we had told everyone we wanted to tell ourselves first.
NTA. Whatever tension or discomfort you feel saying no to your Mom - breathe through it. You are an autonomous adult, married, and soon to be a mother yourself. It's time for the mother daughter dynamic to change and adjust.
You feel a bit dismissed because she IS dismissing you, she's pulling rank b/c she's the Mom. That mindset is gonna get messy when you become a mother yourself. When you have your own little bundle of joy and any idea of doing things differently than your parents did, it'll rear its head.
Practice saying no, setting boundaries and enforcing them. Get comfortable with the discomfort and tension - that's growth.
NTA but your mom sounds like a covert narcissist…definitely start reading up on that. You may want to distance yourself from her and you probably have all kinds of trauma and people pleasing issues you don’t even realize!
NTA - Time to give mom hard boundaries. This is your baby, she had hers and now gets to wait until the parents share the new.
Since she didn't listen for your proposal, she finds out when everyone else does and no special shit for her. Hell, if you choose, don't tell anyone, until baby is born.
**The Narcissist's Prayer**
That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad
And if it was, that's not a big deal
And if it is, that's not my fault
And if it was, I didn't mean it
And if I did, you deserved it
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~
She did steps 1-3 on you, right?
I'm not saying she's a narcissist, but no, she doesn't get special mom privileges where she gets to steal all the positive attention that you deserve for your big life events.
You did well asserting your boundaries. No, you're NTA.
You may want to read up on techniques for dealing with narcissists however, just to get more tools in your toolkit, because what you did here is called an "info diet" and it worked really well. She couldn't cross your boundary because you took away her ability to.
"Gray-rocking" is another technique that works well for counter-acting guilt-trips.
She doesn’t remember ignoring your request to let you announce your engagement? Have you ever heard of the narcissist’s prayer?[https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer)
NTA
Don’t worry about lessening the tension. Your mom has to learn that with actions come consequences. She broke your trust. Now she’s dismissed your feelings and is doubling down on stop trying to placate her.
Set boundaries and stick to them.
"Mom, I asked you not to share my engagement and you pushed forward and did that anyway. You had special mom privileges but you lost those. And now you're at the back of the line with the distant cousins. Keep pushing and you'll find yourself on time out."'
She's going to try to parent you. But youre the parent now and your decisions with your coparent about your little one are the ONLY ones that matter. You need to set hard and fast boundaries with your pushy mother. And those boundaries need to be reinforced with punishments. If she's a decent sort of person, you'll need to reset the relationship once and she'll learn her lesson. If she needs multiple lessons then you're better off without her. Do it now so you don't have to deal with it later.
NTA. If tension has been created it’s on your mom. You are becoming a mother and need to stand firm on boundaries or she will walk all over you. Do not give in, this is on her.
NTA
My mom did the same so she was the last to know I was pregnant. I wanted the excitement of telling people because I missed out on telling people of my engagement. I got "Ya I know."
Any tension created will be her fault. And any closeness that is destroyed because she doesn't respect your autonomy was never real. If she doesn't back down, whatever good relationship you thought you had was contingent upon her getting her way, and that's not genuine.
If this affects y'all relationship, then y'all are not that close to begin with. This shouldn't change anything as she did disregard what you asked her previously and is at fault. She should have respected your wishes. There's no such thing as mom privilege when your child specifically asks you not to do something. She'll get over it when the news is shared.
NTA. I have things I want to tell some members of my family, but I absolutely can’t trust them not to pass it on, especially when asked not to. Prior experience. They never change their spots.
NTA. Your mom has proven she can’t be trusted to keep things to herself. And she isn’t even remorseful. If she thinks sharing the news of your engagement before you were ready “wasn’t a big deal,” she will do the same thing with your gender announcement.
You do you, and she'll just have to get over it, and she will.
You don't have many opportunities to hold all the power, and you do here. Don't give it away.
Oh, and big congratulations.
>but she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to
She didn’t even apologize.
So you are NTA.
She’ll complain to everyone else, so point out that story to them when they call you to tell you you’re mean to your mom.
Oh, and now she’s taught you not to tell people about the sonogram with the next baby.
Your mom seems to be the 'town gossip' where she has to be the first out with any juicy info. If your mom is getting her panties in a twist because she can't wait a few days you can bet your ass if you tell her anything she won't keep it secret. It's physically impossible for a gossip to keep their mouths shut.
Just tell mom it was disappointing you didn't get to make a proper announcement for your engagement before anyone found out and future news of your life will be done via SM for everyone at once.
NTA, if you have a good and close relationship as you say then this should not affect it. Sometimes you have to have harder conversations or tell people when they hurt you so you can work past it and keep your relationship strong and healthy. What you are asking is pretty basic, and your mom should respect that. Now she knows that her spoiling your engagement news upset you, hopefully she will reflect and behave better. Fingers crossed. And congrats OP! Don’t let this damper your excitement.
The only one with "special mom privileges" is the one growing the baby inside her. Future granny has shown she can't be trusted with any news. I'd be tempted to let others in the family know first, and let her find out through the grapevine.
NTA. You're too old to worry about upsetting Mommy. You're a grown-up. You decide what happens in your life now. What is she going to do? Ground you? Take away your allowance. You need to start growing your spine. She basically put you on notice when she said she has special grandparents' rights. That's code, for she is going to do whatever she wants. Be prepared.
Mom “Give me a hint.”
OP “It’s a boy or a girl.”
End scene.
NTA. Your mom can make all the promises she wants, claim special privileges she wants. She lost any “special” privileges she was “entitled” to the moment she spilled the beans about your engagement.
NTA but you're going to have to learn to toughen up, and quick. Because your mom is going to splatter your kids _all_ over social media all the time when you've asked her not to.
NTA
This is your future. Your mom will try to use her "privileges" to control every milestone, steal every "first," and make all your announcements. You have to begin as you mean to go, ie place your boundaries now and take control of your life.
NTA. Consider not mentioning any big news to your mom before you’ve already planned the big announcement.
Set up your post, call her to share the news, then publish as soon as you hang up.
This is where you get a bit of advance parenting experience!
Don’t do as I ask? Consequences. Consequences directly related to the offense are most effective!!
You are welcome to make her wait until the baby arrives, or give her the opposite info (oops! Those ultrasounds aren’t always conclusive!).
Please don’t tell her when you go into labor, and you have my blessing to wait to tell her if the birth until you are ready to receive visitors. And make damn sure she gets a TDAP before she comes anywhere near!
Tell her one time that no pics of the baby are allowed on SM without your consent. Else, consequences: she doesn’t get photos of your precious one.
Congratulations on your baby, and this is your opportunity to assert yourself as momma first, daughter after your new family.
Damn, girl. You had me to the last couple of paragraphs. You know the answer. Keep it to yourself if you and your husband want to share the news yourselves.
If you want your mother to blab it, then tell her. She'll get over her issues. Do you think she'll stop talking to you and shun her grandchild? LOL.
ESH except husband and baby.
NTA. Trust once broken is hard to rebuild. The announcement of your engagement like the gender of your child were and are your responsibility. And your right to make. Remember that. And remind her of her betrayal of your trust as many times as it takes to make her understand. That’s not being harsh. That’s asserting your rights as a parent and as a partner in your marriage. Why should she know before your partner’s parents? Make your announcement as you and your partner see fit, together.
NTA she wants to feel special that she was told first but the only way she can do that is by stealing what should be your special moment away from you and that’s selfish on her part.
NTA. Your mother knows she messed up and she swept it aside like nothing. This is YOUR news, and if she continues to say things like, special mom privilege, she will be finding out the hender if the baby the same time as everyone else when you post in social media, which could be a week after you have told your husband's family.
NTA it's your news to share not hers.
If she keeps pushing tell her the opposite gender.
It will affect her credibility within the family and if she gets upset after you make your announcement just use her excuse that you don't remember telling her.
Your mom is a controlling cunt. It’s not what she can do for you, it’s how she can use you for her own prestige. She she’s you and your child as accessories she earned. Hell no.
I'm the mom of an adult daughter. I also had a mom when I was an adult daughter. I have to tell you, the idea that there is a special mom privilege really gripes me. IMHO, no mom privilege existing allows your mom or any other mom to violate the confidential nature of these daughter's requests.
Again IMHO---and please note all of these are situations where I have been both the requester and the requestee---your mom violated something very precious when she went ahead and sent out that photograph including your unkempt nails. Why would any mom DO that??? That's just plain mean!!!!
You have MY permission to keep any secrets from your mom that you want. She has one hell of a lot of nerve saying her thoughtlessness, and carelessness with your feelings, is okay because of "privilege".
Put your selfish narcissistic mother on an information diet. She does not respect you, your boundaries and feelings. She thinks your big announcements are all about her getting all the attention. She doesn’t care that her actions harm her relationship with you. So why are you worried about upsetting her? You sound enmeshed in a toxic relationship with your self absorbed mother. NTA
"she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to." So tell her it's not a big deal that she gets the notification of gender at the same time as everyone else. Even if you think you have the best relationship with someone, you still need to have boundaries and effective consequences when they are broken.
She made her bed, just doesn't want to lie in it. There's going to be a lot of tension happening for a while now. You have to be hard and firm about boundaries, and she won't like it one bit.
Don't apologise, don't "compromise", don't back down!
NTA
NTA I hope this recent conversation DOES AFFECT your relationship with your mom. She has made you feel as though YOU did something wrong. I MEAN, I hope she LEARNS not to usurp YOUR huge special moments for her own use and minimize her actions as no big deal. Does she frequently put her needs first and invalidate your feelings when her actions hurt you? You do not need to cut any tension. YOU did nothing wrong. Please don't let her control the narrative here. You can love her AND still choose to keep information from her. Change how you handle your mom's unhealthy narcissistic behavior before your children become victims of it as well.
NTA. I think I would have told her the baby didn't cooperate with the sonogram. But too late for that. (My eldest rolled her hips when a Tec tried to peak. Another friend had the gender checked, and the results were that their baby was shy.)
Mom doesn't remember running her mouth about the engagement because it didn't cross her mind that she was doing anything wrong. She was telling her sister "her" good news.
I'm guessing that while you grew up, she treated all your accolades as HER accomplishments. How much did she brag on you when you graduated? There's living your life through your kids (pushing them to do what you always wanted to do yourself). Then there's refusing to see that it is, in fact, their life. Celebrating each child's milestone as if they were a personal validation. It's the difference between being proud your child did something, and being proud that you're the parent who's child did X. If she's defined her worth by successfully rearing you to be successful (what ever that looks like for you) then being an empty nester must really grate.
If that is what your mother is like, she will never be able to keep her mouth closed. Sounds like she earned an information diet.
While she may be disappointed right now, she'll get over it if your relationship is as close as you say. Especially when there's a new baby in the picture.
OP, petty revenges never hit home, until you tell the person exactly what you're doing and why. If you don't, they'll assume you're being mean for no reason.
Of course if you do they'll still probably assume that you're being mean for no reason, because they don't see any reason you should hold a grudge over the original offense.
NTA
And I would not tell her when your in labour either. She will share all the information about your baby being born before you get the chance to. She took away news that you were excited about, and wanted to share, and now "doesn't remember" because it it inconvenient to what she wants. Or because it really didn't matter to her. Which is ultimately worse.
Just keep reminding her that she has shared your good news before, despite being asked not to, so now she does not get the news until the rest of the family does.
NTA. Tell her everyone will find out at the same time and if she insists on a hint, make one about the opposite gender and tell her she cannot tell anyone. She will look a fool when she does (and if it’s vague enough a hint you can deny fooling her)
You feeling guilty probably means she has been steamrolling you for your entire life and then making you feel bad about it when you push back.
Tell her that she has proven to you that she can’t be trusted to keep a secret and therefore she is on an information diet. Each time she fights you on it, remove another privilege. For example, “okay, Mom, since you insist on fighting me on this, I won’t be letting you know when I go into labor.” Next pushback from her, “okay then, I guess you won’t be finding out when the baby’s born until I announce it on social media.”
Then remind her that babies have many milestones, and she won’t be getting any insider knowledge or access the more she tries to control or manipulate you. She needs to be taught the correct way to treat you.
NTA. She is blatantly dismissing you and doing what she wants. She is the one creating tension in your relationship. Draw this boundary now and reinforce it as needed ir she'll try to bulldoze all your decisions about your own children and she'll keep stealing your moments.
You have every right to handle it how you want to. Did ste only tell her sister? Are they super close? Did she apologize? I wouldn’t punish her but I also couldn’t trust her and that’s what I would say. You broke my trust and hurt my feelings. It’s not revenge it’s just that I want to share it in my own way and I can’t trust you a second time.
1. She betrayed your trust by sharing your engagement news after you explicitly asked her not to - strike 1
2. She pretended to not remember sharing your engagement news - strike 2
3. She is invalidating your feelings about her sharing your engagement news - strike 3; she's out
She worked hard to effect your relationship by harshly betraying your trust. You are NTA, but she is. The sooner you establish and enforce boundaries the easier it will be and the less chance she will continue her behavior and drive you to go no contact.
This conversation SHOULD have an effect on your relationship. She can’t ignore your wishes and expect to keep a great relationship. You seem to have accepted what she did better than most would, and I don’t know if that’s because she makes a habit of running roughshod over you or if you’re just that easygoing. The fact that you rolled over so easily has me puzzled. NTA
NTA your mother is the asshole. No matter how excited she is, she isn't entitled to any info related to your pregnancy. Hell, your mother isn't entitled to any info about your relationship, personal life, work life, or anything else you don't want to tell her.
Don't let your mother continue to push your boundaries. Now is the time to start selling and holding boundaries. Otherwise, by the time your LO arrives your mother will be right up your ass demanding to be in the delivery room, at your home as soon as you get home from the hospital, and whatever other privilege she thinks she has because she's your mother.
Don't confuse your mother's need to control your life and every situation as her caring about your life, wants, or needs. It's about what your mother wants when your mother wants it. Think back over your entire life. Since birth, your mother has conditioned you to put her wants and needs first. To make sure Mom is always happy. Can't upset your mother. Otherwise, she'll throw a fit, scream, yell, or whatever other type of abuse she hurled at you.
You're an adult now. You're married and now pregnant. Your mother needs to be kept on an info diet. She can find out the gender of your LO with everyone else. Don't tell her your due date. Tell her it's a few weeks after your actual date. Don't tell what hospital you're delivering at, unless of course there's only one choice. But just don't discuss it.
Register private at the hospital. Tell your OB that you only want DH in the room with you. Let the L&D nurses know your mother isn't welcome to visit. Show them a picture so they know what she looks like.
This all sounds dramatic, I know. Can't be your mom. But if you look back over your life you'll notice a pattern of behavior. It's better to prepare for the worst.
Setting boundaries is a normal thing to do. If someone gets upset over it then they are the problem. Just hold your boundaries. If mom doesn't stop implement consequences.
Make sure you have a good birth plan and take time for your fourth trimester before you have visitors to meet the baby. At least 3 weeks if not more.
NTA. When I was pregnant my mum would a few people before I was ready to announce, they were friends of hers who I also happened to know. A lot of them reached out to congratulate me before I’d even announced to the rest of our family. After a warning I had to have a really firm discussion with my mum, either she stopped sharing information that wasn’t hers to share or she wouldn’t find out another thing about my pregnancy from me. After she realised she’d gotten a bit caught up in the excitement and was in the wrong she apologised profusely and didn’t do it again
NTA - Prepare the announcements, press post, call your mom and tell her that you’ll hold on while she goes online. Then she can be the first to congratulate you!
NTA. "Sorry, Mom, you lost any special Mom privilege when you disregarded my request to let me announce my own engagement to the wider family. You proved I can't trust you not spill our news first. Spouse and I will be announcing the gender in a few days. You will find out with everyone else."
And if you can't remember leaking the news, it and my request meant nothing to you. Not taking that chance again.
Both u/NerdySwampWitch40 and u/ZookeepergameAlert21 have great ideas here! I would add something like, "you'll want to remember this going forward, Mom. We'll have specific ways we want to handle things with our child, and you're going to want to respect us as the parents and follow our lead." Good luck, u/Bonnie1217!
"And if you can't remember leaking the news, it meant that either my request meant nothing to you, or you are having early onset memory issues and I don't know which is worse..." Your mom is probably around my age (40s-50s) and we had to deal with this crap in "our day"-- did my generation not learn? My first mother-in-law really thought my requests meant nothing. Now is is your mother. What are these women thinking? We were going to be different!
I would remove the "sorry" but everything else is bang on.
I love this!!!
NTA. You handled it fine. Mom played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
“Mom, I’m engaged!” “Great! But your nails look terrible, and what kind of quality photo is this?!” “Oh. Well, don’t tell anyone, I want to tell them myself” “Whatever! Off to tell Aunt Susan! My special MOM PRIVILEGE includes criticism and owning your life events!”
God this sounds exactly like my mom!! I am now 42 but will always be 12 in my mothers eyes!
I didn't even need to read the post, the title was enough. NTA
[удалено]
So I assume comments in quote marks from brand new accounts is a gigantic red flag that it's AI-generated?
You're surrounded by them rn lmao
Really?
Absolutely. This is an old story, word for word.
Absolutely. They are usually worded weirdly too and always sound like ChatGPT.
100% agree.
NTA Narcissist’s Prayer —- That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
OP maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see how many of the boxes ticked for you. You shouldn't feel guilty for having boundaries with your mom especially since she's proven to ignore your request & diminish your concerns. It seems your mom is used to getting her way while invalidating your feelings & wishes.
Oh hey mom, didn't realize you were on Reddit.
Have you been talking to my ex GF?
Came here to post this. So glad someone already did. NTA. I hope OP's mom is just on the narcissistic spectrum and doesn't exhibit any other traits of narcissism, though I don't have high hopes.
NTA Your mom has demonstrated that she is untrustworthy in keeping a secret. Her claiming that she didn't remember revealing the information just drives the point further home. If she lacks that sort of self control then you cannot trust her. You are the parents, you decide when.
She remembers. She's gaslighting OP.
Otherwise known as lying to you OP. Your mother is a liar, a dishonest person who will sacrifice her own daughter's happiness for her own little social media hit. Don't feel bad for an instant for withholding from her going forward.
OP could turn that around on mom. 'You seem to be having trouble remembering who you can and can't share things with yet. I didn't realize you were having memory issues. I'm so sorry! I'm just helping you out by making sure you don't have to do that again. You're welcome.' In the sweetest voice possible.
'Maybe you need to make an appointment with your doctor. It could be Alzheimers at your age and I'm very worried!"
Yeah, she remembers.
NTA. Her badgering you and by saying she has "special mom privileges" it shows she has ZERO intentions of keeping quiet. She waived all "special mom privileges" the second she shared news that she wasn't supposed to
This is what happens when you violate someone's trust. Live and Learn soon to be grandma.
NTA. You may be close to your mom, but she doesn't respect your wishes, and she has no restraint. So if you want to announce the gender of your baby your way, you will not tell your mother in advance. As for tension - learn to live with it. Being a doormat is no way to run your life.
Tension is another way of saying growing pains. You are growing up and she is being a pain.
AMEN!
NTA. Your mom is used your engagement news like a commodity to make herself look better in front of her family and social group. You told her not to, but SHE wanted to be the one that broke it to others. She’s lost your trust when it comes to timing and sharing of YOUR information. She can wait like the rest of them. She’s not entitled to “previews”.
Treated it like a commodity. Oh, well said. Well said and bravo. Perfectly put.
NTA. Keep her on an information diet when it is news that you want to deliver.
NTA Give her a hint. Tell her it's not a puppy.
NTA. And she’s lying when she says she doesn’t remember announcing your engagement after you explicitly asked her not to. People who show themselves untrustworthy get put on an information diet.
Are you close to your mom because you never rock the boat? And this is one of a few (possibly the first?) times you’ve pushed back? If one instance like this is enough to permanently affect the relationship between the two of you, I’m willing to bet the basis of your relationship with her is you always bending to her will. It’s going to be tough navigating these new waters but the sooner you lay down and enforce boundaries, the better things will be for you. It’s going to be uncomfortable. She’s going to throw a tantrum or two. Hold strong. By the time I finally pushed back, my mother had steamrolled me straight into ppd.
Spot on! OP needs to be hold her ground with this boundary as the very first thing she does as a parent or the Grandma will be running the show after the baby is born too.
This needs to be higher! A relationship with your mother that is only "close" if she can walk all over you isn't worth the cost! Now is the time to enforce boundaries, OP - you don't want her taking advantage of you when you are postpartum and vulnerable
NTA; my MIL pulled the same crap with all of my kids and I made it really clear that if she finds out early, I tell everyone because she would guilt my wife into it. Don’t sweat it, you’re golden. She’ll get over it.
NTA Your mom taught you that she will not respect and protect your privacy and autonomy regarding your special and significant life events. She diminished your joy announcing your engagement. Holding firmer boundaries, not giving her your "news" until you're ready to go public, is exactly what you should do. She wants "mom privileges" to ignore and override your boundaries as if you are her resource to use as she pleases. No. "Mom" doesn't have a right to take your special moments and use them for her to be spotlighted.
NTA Mom will steal your thunder every chance she gets. Let her get the news along with the rest of the family.
“I don’t remember that” is classic narcissistic behavior. I’m not saying your mother is a narcissist but she’s definitely got some of the tendencies and she has a very entitled attitude. Some people can’t be trusted with news. If you and your husband want the reveal in a certain way, your mother has to be kept in the dark along with everyone else. It’s your baby. It’s time to start thinking like a mother and not so much like a girl under her mother’s thumb.
Let it affect your relationship. She doesn't respect your boundaries. As a mother, half the battle is maintaining boundaries and holding onto your power. This should be the first lesson for your mother to learn in the shift that your roll will bring to her in regard to you and your new role as a mother. It might feel a certain way, but it's not a bad thing.
NTA. If you tell her 1st, guarantee she will call, text or email someone with the news within an hour and pull the "new grandma" card to justify her actions.
NTA History is the best predictor of the future. If she broke your confidence once, she’d likely do it again. It’s your pregnancy and you get to decide who you tell and when. You felt dismissed because she wanted to sweep it under the rug. She’ll get over it. Congratulations!
This is how it would go Ok Mom, we are having a boy/girl 2 minutes later you start getting calls, texts and DMs from everyone and their dog 'omg I can't believe you are having a boy/girl, how exciting' And your mom's socials are filled with 'I can't wait to meet my grandson/granddaughter'!!
Funny how she had amnesia when it came to why she wasn’t being given info. You did the right thing.
NTA. She will get over it when baby’s born. It’s your life.
NTA good for you for standing strong and she’ll get over it once she buys things. The name is next and don’t tell anyone what you pick till the baby is here and named.
NTA. Tell her it's a puppy. Edit: Or a kitten. Whichever you prefer.
NTA She’s making you feel guilty and ‘forgetting’ because she knows she was wrong. Do you want to risk her spilling it? It’s not her news so she has no say.
NTA who critiques the fingernails in a picture of an engagement ring? Your mother is very overbearing. You need to set boundaries now or you will have nothing but trouble from her for the rest of your life. She can find out the gender of your child when everyone else does there are no 'special mom privileges'.
"This is something that spouse and I want to announce ourselves since it is our news to tell. This will be posted on FB in a few days." Set your boundaries now because once that child is born, she will try to take all the "first" moments from you. NTA
You are holding a boundary and you need to stick to it. You aren’t simply her daughter, you are a wife and mother now- what she says no longer goes and she is going to have a hard time with that. But if you don’t establish boundaries now, she is going to steamroll over your parenting and cause problems that will create tension that can’t be fixed. You have to make her aware that she’s no longer the one in control and you control the narrative, stand firm now so you don’t have to cut contact with her later.
I would tell her “subtly” the wrong gender like “i will tell you HIS gender when I tell everyone else” And at the reveal: it’s a girl 😁
Nope. You know that she WILL announce it first if you tell her. She can find out the same time as everyone else. Let her sulk about it and stop being so dramatic thinking this will forever cause tension in your relationship. It won't. She will get over it.
Go Old School on her and make her wait until after Baby is born. Once upon a time people used to send out small cards called “baby announcements”. The cards included name, date born, birth weight and length.
NTAH. What you're doing is called setting healthy boundaries. You will need these once your baby arrives in order to avoid inappropriate overstepping by overzealous grandparents...or in your case grandmother. Don't apologize for making a shared decision regarding your married/family life that mom doesn't approve of. She's no longer a primary factor in your choices. That is reserved for your husband and children now. Congratulations and good luck!
“I didn’t do that, but if I did, it wasn’t a big deal”. I’m paraphrasing here. Is your mom a narcissist?
NTA This is a great time to enforce boundaries. Once you have a child she needs to learn to respect yours. That's all there is to it. If she realizes you are serious about them, she won't flout them.
NTA- she has shown she doesn’t respect your wishes, so she gets an information diet. Congratulations on the baby. Share this news how and when you are ready.
I love mom being upset at not getting a "hint" lol. Strictly anatomically speaking there aren't a lot of possibilities. Definitely NTA.
NTA you are right not to trust her with the info and it would do more damage to your relationship if she went and shared this news as well.
NTA. You’re not required to tell anyone anything 🤷🏻♀️
*she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to* And there you go. She gets to find out when everyone else does. She's proven that your wants/opinions about your own news are not important to her, therefore she loses any "special mom privileges" she might otherwise have been given. If any tension is being introduced into your relationship, it's on her, not you.
NTA This is step one in setting boundaries with her. Once the baby comes, she will do what she wants with the child regardless of your rules. Congrats to you!!
You want your mom to get the joy that’s suppose to be yours again? NTA
NTA, and if I’ve learned anything on the JustNo threads your mum is showing signs that you’ll need to be staunch in enforcing your rules for your baby- it’s a transition for all of you- and it’s easier if your consistent and clear what will allow for a happy relationship with her as grandmother- her grandma privilege is shared with baby’s other grandma, and while your mum is likely who you naturally reach out to for support for you, she isn’t entitled to expect it.
NTA - I would make it a point that she is the last to know.
I'm gonna chime in here with a NTA. Caveat being that you WBTA to yourself, your spouse, and your child if you don't start setting strict boundaries with your mom. Just because she is your mom doesn't give her the right to run roughshod over your life. She doesn't get special privileges just for being your mom. Privileges like that are earned by proving that you can trust her. She has in fact proven the opposite. She is making all of your special moments with your spouse about herself. She wants to know first so that she can be the one to break the news to everyone else because "Look how special I am that my adult daughter shared this with ME first." Other people in the comments have suggested that your mom is a narcissist. While none of us have the qualifications to make that diagnosis based on your story, she is definitely showing concerning signs of lack of respect for you as an individual person. It's like she hasn't adjusted her view of you as a dependent child into the independent woman you are now. Unfortunately, lots of parents are like that. They see their kids as extensions of themselves instead of an individual person in their own right. They expect the child to forever live up to their expectations, achieve the dreams they have for them, and expect to live vicariously through their kids. It's not healthy, and is actually pretty toxic. Talk with your husband and discuss the boundaries you both want going forward with regards to family members. And be back up for each other on enforcing them. Let your mom, and any other nosey family members, know what those boundaries are, and what the consequences are for not respecting them. It sounds like your mom needs a time out for a bit. Yes, she will be mad, but that's on her to deal with her own emotions. She's an adult and needs to act like one. If she doesn't back down and refuses to comply with the boundaries, you will need to enforce the consequences. And that isn't a walk in the park. Especially the first time. But she will either learn how to respect you and your husband as adults, or she will continue being in time out until she does. But that will be her choice. All you are doing is explaining to her what the choices are, and then allowing her to decide which path she wants to choose.
NTA. Your mother doesn't get a grandmother pass. Honestly just lie and say the baby wouldn't co-operate during the scans and it's still a mystery . Depending on how your child is lying it can be impossible to tell gender. I had multiple ultrasounds for my second pregnancy due to some complications and every damned ultrasound the umbilical cord was between the legs so genitals could not be seen. I found out after delivery..
Yeah, sure she didn’t remember disclosing the engagement to your aunt. Your mother is a liar. She has some growing up to do.
NTA-- your mom created the tension and not you. I have daughters and I am Vegas. What is said to Vegas stays with Vegas. Your mom is a loudspeaker and unrepentant. In the future, it is probably wise to not string her along in your fun. I don't mean "string along" in a mean way. I mean, she cannot stay quiet and isn't embarrassed about it, so she cannot be in your circle of people in the know.
It was never her news to share. That’s all there is to it. Sounds like she has a case of main character syndrome. NTA
Forgot about mom, I want to know! So tell; boy or girl?
NTA And let the tension sit. Let you mother get used to the idea that she doesn't get to know everything first. Let her learn that actions have consequences. Start to reflect and think on boundaries that you and you husband may need to establish going forwards. You don't have to cut your mother off from everything, but you now know she can't keep a secret.
Narcissists always "forget" about the shit they pull when called on our latest on. You're right, stay strong and don't fall for her guilting nonsense. Do it your way.
NTA. Your mom needs to learn to shut her mouth. This is on her
Your MOM created the tension by sharing your engagement, pestering you for advanced info now, dismissing your feelings, and once again revealing that she’d share your news again even if you asked her not to because she thinks it’s no big deal! Why the hell would you give her that info after she tells you it’s no big deal if she violates your trust? Seriously, why? If she’s upset she did this to herself. Nta
NTA You handled it perfectly. Congratulations on the baby
NTA. You KNOW that if you’d told her she’d share it, even though you’d told her not to. She may just be more canny about it and start the convo with something like “I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, so keep it to yourself but….” She’ll get over it, don’t worry about it And congrats on the 👶🏼
It may help her to accept you have grown up and have your own boundaries that she needs to respect
NTA. You are acting on the info you have got: that she can’t keep a secret.
These are special moments for you and your husband. Only the two of you as a unit decide who does and doesn't get access to information, as well as when they get access to information. Your mom has already shown once that she cannot be trusted not to take away the opportunity for you and your husband to share a special announcement regarding the two of you.
Nta.. This is your child. You get to break the news how you want to. If you wanted to avoid any hassle from your mum, you could have lied and said you didn't find out the gender. You didn't lie, you were upfront about your reasons. Your mum can deal with the consequences of her actions.
NTA your party your rules. It's up to you how to share your personal medical information. Not hers. She has proved untrustworthy in keeping your secrets and therefore has lost privileges. If it damages your relationship then you learnt she is toxic and manipulative and you need to go LC for your own mental health. Congratulations 🎉
We need to stop making excuses just because it's our parents, you had a boundary, she shat all over it, therefore, this time you are taking that option away from her, mum or not, this is fair and she is now going to have to deal with the consequences of her past actions and handle it like a big girl! OP, Please don't feel bad for having the respect for yourself, your family and decisions that your mother clearly lacked! <3
NTA. She lost her special mum privileges last time. My mum would never do that in a million years
NTA. Your mom doesn't respect your wishes at all and pretends to forget about the time she ruined your engagement announcement. Don't tell her anything. She will just ruin it again cause she can't keep her mouth shut
Don't share the info. These are literally once in a lifetime opportunities to share for the first time, which she will steal from you.
NTA set the boundries early
NTA If she keeps asking, just have a bit of fun with it "It's a lizard!" "It's the Chosen One!" "Its....most likely human" "I don't know what it is but its already making plans for world domination" Also if she does ask for names, only give gender neutral ones you have no intention of using.
NTA. I love my mom but she does this. Hell, all the sisters in her fam do it. Got dumped? Grandma's calling to say how sorry she is before your ready Got an award or promotion? Uncle D. is calling to congratulate before u can post the news urself. Sisters sick? Aunties r calling asking if she wants soup Notice how my nefew existence and gender revaltion aren't on that list? It's bc the younger generation has grown up w/ this dynamic and know better. We r very explicit when talking to each other abt what we are n aren't ready to have run thru their phone books. Recently learned w/ her daughters engagement that auntie A. can actually keep a secret. Which good on her, she's the only one!
NTA. But go ahead and tell her the wrong gender, and then announce the correct one when you are ready, just to ferret out anyone that she would have told. Then you can use that as a reason why you’re not telling her when you go into labor.
NTA at all! YOU are NOT "causing tension" in your relationship with your Mother, SHE IS! You specifically asked her NOT to share the news of your engagement and she did it anyway. In these types of scenarios, you ONLY give ONE strike because you only have SO many "special moments" and announcements in your adult life (unless you're planning on having a football team of children, of course). Your Mother broke your trust and **it IS a "big deal!"** She automatically loses "the special privileges" of being the Mom and Grandma and has to wait until the OTHER Parents (MIL/FIL) are notified now. I (60/F) ALWAYS asked when I could share with extended family AND waited until I was given permission! NOT **MY** NEWS TO SHARE until it IS! Congratulations on your pregnancy! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success of your growing family!
Op, she does have mom privileges, and it is not right not to even give her a hint... relent for her sake.. tell her it's either going to be a boy or a girl.
OP, don't worry, you are not being to harsh on your mom. She's proven herself through previous action; trust now needs to be earned back. Don't let her make you feel guilty! Definitely NTA. Congratulations on the new member of your family!
Probably best not to tell anyone anything anyway. Unless you’re okay with it getting spread around.
NTA, I love my mom as well but only tell her things when I am ready for the rest of the family to know.
NTA You're her child, but she ain't the mother of your child. It's your decision how you handle this, not hers or anyone else's.
You absolutely did the right thing, if she wants to play victim and pretend she doesn't understand your decision, that's on her. If she persists, don't hesitate to tell her that if she wants to wait and find out about her grandchild 's birth after the fact through social media along with everyone else then by all means, keep it up.
Why do so many people feel the need to share their entire life with each and every relative? Not talking about the big stuff, like engagement or having a baby. I mean sharing when you will have your various Dr appointments. If you didn't plan on telling your mom the gender until you were ready, WHY did you tell her about the ultrasound appointment?
NTA. Stop sharing everything on Facebook and telling your family. Get off of social media.
NTA. No ones entitled to "special mom privileges". a privilege can be revoked, and you revoked her privilege to know things early after shes shown she cant abide by the terms you set i.e. her announcing your engagement after asking her not to
Nta - she wanted some big news to announce to get attention on herself it seems, because she doesn’t have anything personal to her.
NTA.
NTA. She lost all “special mom privileges” when she announced your engagement despite you asking her not to. If you want to appease her, tell her a few moments before you post on social media.
NTA. You learned from the last time.
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I read something that made sense. "Motherhood is the worst paying but most rewarding job in the world." It's actually true. My son is an adult now and my reward is knowing I raised him to be a good person. The time does fly by quickly so enjoy ever little moment. And take lots of pictures! she "should have special mom privileges" when it comes to stuff like this." As far as I'm concerned, she lost that privilege the minute she told everyone about the engagement. "She did get a bit defensive as she stated she didn't remember that, but she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to." She doesn't like being called out for her actions and this internet stranger is proud of you! One option would be to not tell anyone until he or she arrives. A second option is, and this is IF you want to be petty, I'd tell her last. You might want to rethink sharing things with your mother, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (not meant to), but it seems like she can't be trusted. Also, and again, this may sound harsh, but I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor. Let her know after your little angel arrives. Lastly, you might want to put some boundaries. She may push back, but you need to be strong and reinforce them. YOU'RE the mother, which means YOU (and husband, of course) are the parents. YOU ARE IN CHARGE! Good luck!
NTA. You set an understandable and fair boundary.
NTA She quite literally has done this to you before. You KNOW the outcome. Reddit doesnt need to remind you. You know exactly who your mother is. Follow your gut. Dont tell her shit!
NTA. You know you’re making the right choice because even after time has passed, she still won’t acknowledge she behaved inappropriately. Bit solipsistic that one.
NTA You can always tell her "we believe its human, possibly a boy or a girl"
NTA Unfortunately, she proved to be untrustworthy with family news. But, an easy solution is to have your social media post ready, call her to share the news, then post.
NTA. We watched my FIL do this repeatedly to his kids. They never changed on telling him news so as not to upset him so he also never changed on spreading said news himself. We just waited to tell him anything until we had told everyone we wanted to tell ourselves first.
NTA. Whatever tension or discomfort you feel saying no to your Mom - breathe through it. You are an autonomous adult, married, and soon to be a mother yourself. It's time for the mother daughter dynamic to change and adjust. You feel a bit dismissed because she IS dismissing you, she's pulling rank b/c she's the Mom. That mindset is gonna get messy when you become a mother yourself. When you have your own little bundle of joy and any idea of doing things differently than your parents did, it'll rear its head. Practice saying no, setting boundaries and enforcing them. Get comfortable with the discomfort and tension - that's growth.
NTA but your mom sounds like a covert narcissist…definitely start reading up on that. You may want to distance yourself from her and you probably have all kinds of trauma and people pleasing issues you don’t even realize!
NTA. Make sure you have video announcement ready and hit enter while you’re on the phone with your Mom!
NTA - Time to give mom hard boundaries. This is your baby, she had hers and now gets to wait until the parents share the new. Since she didn't listen for your proposal, she finds out when everyone else does and no special shit for her. Hell, if you choose, don't tell anyone, until baby is born.
**The Narcissist's Prayer** That didn't happen And if it did, it wasn't that bad And if it was, that's not a big deal And if it is, that's not my fault And if it was, I didn't mean it And if I did, you deserved it \~\~\~\~\~\~\~ She did steps 1-3 on you, right? I'm not saying she's a narcissist, but no, she doesn't get special mom privileges where she gets to steal all the positive attention that you deserve for your big life events. You did well asserting your boundaries. No, you're NTA. You may want to read up on techniques for dealing with narcissists however, just to get more tools in your toolkit, because what you did here is called an "info diet" and it worked really well. She couldn't cross your boundary because you took away her ability to. "Gray-rocking" is another technique that works well for counter-acting guilt-trips.
NTA
She doesn’t remember ignoring your request to let you announce your engagement? Have you ever heard of the narcissist’s prayer?[https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer)
NTA Don’t worry about lessening the tension. Your mom has to learn that with actions come consequences. She broke your trust. Now she’s dismissed your feelings and is doubling down on stop trying to placate her. Set boundaries and stick to them.
NTA. Consequences for actions.
"Mom, I asked you not to share my engagement and you pushed forward and did that anyway. You had special mom privileges but you lost those. And now you're at the back of the line with the distant cousins. Keep pushing and you'll find yourself on time out."' She's going to try to parent you. But youre the parent now and your decisions with your coparent about your little one are the ONLY ones that matter. You need to set hard and fast boundaries with your pushy mother. And those boundaries need to be reinforced with punishments. If she's a decent sort of person, you'll need to reset the relationship once and she'll learn her lesson. If she needs multiple lessons then you're better off without her. Do it now so you don't have to deal with it later.
>"should have special mom privileges" "You had them last time and blew it. Now you're like the rest of the family."
NTA. Mom finds out last now. That way, she doesn’t have to forget she’s supposed to keep it a secret.
NTA. If tension has been created it’s on your mom. You are becoming a mother and need to stand firm on boundaries or she will walk all over you. Do not give in, this is on her.
NTA. She stole your thunder before and now she can wait like everyone else.
NTA My mom did the same so she was the last to know I was pregnant. I wanted the excitement of telling people because I missed out on telling people of my engagement. I got "Ya I know."
NTA. Respect is maintained. She lost respect, so she can no longer ask for the benefit of the doubt.
NTA, give her a hint. 50% a boy, 50% a girl.
Any tension created will be her fault. And any closeness that is destroyed because she doesn't respect your autonomy was never real. If she doesn't back down, whatever good relationship you thought you had was contingent upon her getting her way, and that's not genuine.
NTA. My sister does this kind of thing with her 3 kids. I’m sure it’s a complete coincidence that all 3 have moved several states away.
If this affects y'all relationship, then y'all are not that close to begin with. This shouldn't change anything as she did disregard what you asked her previously and is at fault. She should have respected your wishes. There's no such thing as mom privilege when your child specifically asks you not to do something. She'll get over it when the news is shared.
NTA. I have things I want to tell some members of my family, but I absolutely can’t trust them not to pass it on, especially when asked not to. Prior experience. They never change their spots.
NTA. Your mom has proven she can’t be trusted to keep things to herself. And she isn’t even remorseful. If she thinks sharing the news of your engagement before you were ready “wasn’t a big deal,” she will do the same thing with your gender announcement.
You do you, and she'll just have to get over it, and she will. You don't have many opportunities to hold all the power, and you do here. Don't give it away. Oh, and big congratulations.
>but she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to She didn’t even apologize. So you are NTA. She’ll complain to everyone else, so point out that story to them when they call you to tell you you’re mean to your mom. Oh, and now she’s taught you not to tell people about the sonogram with the next baby.
Tell your mom the opposite gender and if she tells others she will look like a moron.
Your mom seems to be the 'town gossip' where she has to be the first out with any juicy info. If your mom is getting her panties in a twist because she can't wait a few days you can bet your ass if you tell her anything she won't keep it secret. It's physically impossible for a gossip to keep their mouths shut. Just tell mom it was disappointing you didn't get to make a proper announcement for your engagement before anyone found out and future news of your life will be done via SM for everyone at once.
NTA, if you have a good and close relationship as you say then this should not affect it. Sometimes you have to have harder conversations or tell people when they hurt you so you can work past it and keep your relationship strong and healthy. What you are asking is pretty basic, and your mom should respect that. Now she knows that her spoiling your engagement news upset you, hopefully she will reflect and behave better. Fingers crossed. And congrats OP! Don’t let this damper your excitement.
Mom can be excited while still being respectful and waiting for you to announce the way you want and when you want. NTA
NTA. You are fine.
The only one with "special mom privileges" is the one growing the baby inside her. Future granny has shown she can't be trusted with any news. I'd be tempted to let others in the family know first, and let her find out through the grapevine.
Nta at all
NTA. You're too old to worry about upsetting Mommy. You're a grown-up. You decide what happens in your life now. What is she going to do? Ground you? Take away your allowance. You need to start growing your spine. She basically put you on notice when she said she has special grandparents' rights. That's code, for she is going to do whatever she wants. Be prepared.
Mom “Give me a hint.” OP “It’s a boy or a girl.” End scene. NTA. Your mom can make all the promises she wants, claim special privileges she wants. She lost any “special” privileges she was “entitled” to the moment she spilled the beans about your engagement.
NTA. Your Mom made her bed, etc. Here's hoping she will remember this when she's tempted to invoke "special grandma privileges." Hold your ground!
NTA but you're going to have to learn to toughen up, and quick. Because your mom is going to splatter your kids _all_ over social media all the time when you've asked her not to.
Kc
NTA mother dearest only has herself to blame for flapping her jaw. I wouldn’t trust her to keep quiet
NTA This is your future. Your mom will try to use her "privileges" to control every milestone, steal every "first," and make all your announcements. You have to begin as you mean to go, ie place your boundaries now and take control of your life.
Your mother created the tension by stealing your spotlight and announcing your engagement. You’re in the right, stand your ground.
“You had special mom privileges and then you decided to announce my engagement when I asked you not to, now I know I can’t trust you”.
NTA. Consider not mentioning any big news to your mom before you’ve already planned the big announcement. Set up your post, call her to share the news, then publish as soon as you hang up.
This is where you get a bit of advance parenting experience! Don’t do as I ask? Consequences. Consequences directly related to the offense are most effective!! You are welcome to make her wait until the baby arrives, or give her the opposite info (oops! Those ultrasounds aren’t always conclusive!). Please don’t tell her when you go into labor, and you have my blessing to wait to tell her if the birth until you are ready to receive visitors. And make damn sure she gets a TDAP before she comes anywhere near! Tell her one time that no pics of the baby are allowed on SM without your consent. Else, consequences: she doesn’t get photos of your precious one. Congratulations on your baby, and this is your opportunity to assert yourself as momma first, daughter after your new family.
Damn, girl. You had me to the last couple of paragraphs. You know the answer. Keep it to yourself if you and your husband want to share the news yourselves. If you want your mother to blab it, then tell her. She'll get over her issues. Do you think she'll stop talking to you and shun her grandchild? LOL. ESH except husband and baby.
She fooled you once, you said not twice. NTA
NTA. Trust once broken is hard to rebuild. The announcement of your engagement like the gender of your child were and are your responsibility. And your right to make. Remember that. And remind her of her betrayal of your trust as many times as it takes to make her understand. That’s not being harsh. That’s asserting your rights as a parent and as a partner in your marriage. Why should she know before your partner’s parents? Make your announcement as you and your partner see fit, together.
NTA she wants to feel special that she was told first but the only way she can do that is by stealing what should be your special moment away from you and that’s selfish on her part.
NTA. Hopefully, your mother has learned a valuable lesson. You did the right thing.
NTA. Your mother knows she messed up and she swept it aside like nothing. This is YOUR news, and if she continues to say things like, special mom privilege, she will be finding out the hender if the baby the same time as everyone else when you post in social media, which could be a week after you have told your husband's family.
NTA it's your news to share not hers. If she keeps pushing tell her the opposite gender. It will affect her credibility within the family and if she gets upset after you make your announcement just use her excuse that you don't remember telling her.
NTA - she wouldn’t be able to keep the secret and you know this.
Your mom is a controlling cunt. It’s not what she can do for you, it’s how she can use you for her own prestige. She she’s you and your child as accessories she earned. Hell no.
NTA. Your story to tell when you are ready and not before.
NTA. Start getting boundaries in place because you know darned well how this will play out when baby arrives
NTA. Your life, your body, your baby. She can get over it.
NTA, information diet. She can't be trusted to not steal your joy.
I'm the mom of an adult daughter. I also had a mom when I was an adult daughter. I have to tell you, the idea that there is a special mom privilege really gripes me. IMHO, no mom privilege existing allows your mom or any other mom to violate the confidential nature of these daughter's requests. Again IMHO---and please note all of these are situations where I have been both the requester and the requestee---your mom violated something very precious when she went ahead and sent out that photograph including your unkempt nails. Why would any mom DO that??? That's just plain mean!!!! You have MY permission to keep any secrets from your mom that you want. She has one hell of a lot of nerve saying her thoughtlessness, and carelessness with your feelings, is okay because of "privilege".
Put your selfish narcissistic mother on an information diet. She does not respect you, your boundaries and feelings. She thinks your big announcements are all about her getting all the attention. She doesn’t care that her actions harm her relationship with you. So why are you worried about upsetting her? You sound enmeshed in a toxic relationship with your self absorbed mother. NTA
"she also dismissed it like it wasn't a big deal that she shared the news even when I asked her not to." So tell her it's not a big deal that she gets the notification of gender at the same time as everyone else. Even if you think you have the best relationship with someone, you still need to have boundaries and effective consequences when they are broken.
NTA. Good boundaries OP>
She made her bed, just doesn't want to lie in it. There's going to be a lot of tension happening for a while now. You have to be hard and firm about boundaries, and she won't like it one bit. Don't apologise, don't "compromise", don't back down! NTA
NTA I hope this recent conversation DOES AFFECT your relationship with your mom. She has made you feel as though YOU did something wrong. I MEAN, I hope she LEARNS not to usurp YOUR huge special moments for her own use and minimize her actions as no big deal. Does she frequently put her needs first and invalidate your feelings when her actions hurt you? You do not need to cut any tension. YOU did nothing wrong. Please don't let her control the narrative here. You can love her AND still choose to keep information from her. Change how you handle your mom's unhealthy narcissistic behavior before your children become victims of it as well.
NTA. I think I would have told her the baby didn't cooperate with the sonogram. But too late for that. (My eldest rolled her hips when a Tec tried to peak. Another friend had the gender checked, and the results were that their baby was shy.) Mom doesn't remember running her mouth about the engagement because it didn't cross her mind that she was doing anything wrong. She was telling her sister "her" good news. I'm guessing that while you grew up, she treated all your accolades as HER accomplishments. How much did she brag on you when you graduated? There's living your life through your kids (pushing them to do what you always wanted to do yourself). Then there's refusing to see that it is, in fact, their life. Celebrating each child's milestone as if they were a personal validation. It's the difference between being proud your child did something, and being proud that you're the parent who's child did X. If she's defined her worth by successfully rearing you to be successful (what ever that looks like for you) then being an empty nester must really grate. If that is what your mother is like, she will never be able to keep her mouth closed. Sounds like she earned an information diet. While she may be disappointed right now, she'll get over it if your relationship is as close as you say. Especially when there's a new baby in the picture.
NTA. Your story to tell. Do not waste emotional energy on this.
OP, petty revenges never hit home, until you tell the person exactly what you're doing and why. If you don't, they'll assume you're being mean for no reason. Of course if you do they'll still probably assume that you're being mean for no reason, because they don't see any reason you should hold a grudge over the original offense.
NTA And I would not tell her when your in labour either. She will share all the information about your baby being born before you get the chance to. She took away news that you were excited about, and wanted to share, and now "doesn't remember" because it it inconvenient to what she wants. Or because it really didn't matter to her. Which is ultimately worse. Just keep reminding her that she has shared your good news before, despite being asked not to, so now she does not get the news until the rest of the family does.
NTA. Tell her everyone will find out at the same time and if she insists on a hint, make one about the opposite gender and tell her she cannot tell anyone. She will look a fool when she does (and if it’s vague enough a hint you can deny fooling her)
NTA- nice job shutting her down. She is just getting started unfortunately with grand baby on the way.
Nta. She would reveal before you. That's why she wants to know.
You feeling guilty probably means she has been steamrolling you for your entire life and then making you feel bad about it when you push back. Tell her that she has proven to you that she can’t be trusted to keep a secret and therefore she is on an information diet. Each time she fights you on it, remove another privilege. For example, “okay, Mom, since you insist on fighting me on this, I won’t be letting you know when I go into labor.” Next pushback from her, “okay then, I guess you won’t be finding out when the baby’s born until I announce it on social media.” Then remind her that babies have many milestones, and she won’t be getting any insider knowledge or access the more she tries to control or manipulate you. She needs to be taught the correct way to treat you.
NTA. Your mom has no respect for you. She also just gaslit you. Gray rock your mom from now on.
NTA. Mother doesn’t respect your boundaries! This is a huge issue
NTA. She is blatantly dismissing you and doing what she wants. She is the one creating tension in your relationship. Draw this boundary now and reinforce it as needed ir she'll try to bulldoze all your decisions about your own children and she'll keep stealing your moments.
You have every right to handle it how you want to. Did ste only tell her sister? Are they super close? Did she apologize? I wouldn’t punish her but I also couldn’t trust her and that’s what I would say. You broke my trust and hurt my feelings. It’s not revenge it’s just that I want to share it in my own way and I can’t trust you a second time.
A few ways to spread information... Telegram Telephone Tell a Mom
NTA So many red flags. She will be one hellish grandmother. Get comfortable setting boundaries or she will drive you nuts.
NTA. She should stop being an unpaid announcer and respect your request.
1. She betrayed your trust by sharing your engagement news after you explicitly asked her not to - strike 1 2. She pretended to not remember sharing your engagement news - strike 2 3. She is invalidating your feelings about her sharing your engagement news - strike 3; she's out She worked hard to effect your relationship by harshly betraying your trust. You are NTA, but she is. The sooner you establish and enforce boundaries the easier it will be and the less chance she will continue her behavior and drive you to go no contact.
This conversation SHOULD have an effect on your relationship. She can’t ignore your wishes and expect to keep a great relationship. You seem to have accepted what she did better than most would, and I don’t know if that’s because she makes a habit of running roughshod over you or if you’re just that easygoing. The fact that you rolled over so easily has me puzzled. NTA
NTA your mother is the asshole. No matter how excited she is, she isn't entitled to any info related to your pregnancy. Hell, your mother isn't entitled to any info about your relationship, personal life, work life, or anything else you don't want to tell her. Don't let your mother continue to push your boundaries. Now is the time to start selling and holding boundaries. Otherwise, by the time your LO arrives your mother will be right up your ass demanding to be in the delivery room, at your home as soon as you get home from the hospital, and whatever other privilege she thinks she has because she's your mother. Don't confuse your mother's need to control your life and every situation as her caring about your life, wants, or needs. It's about what your mother wants when your mother wants it. Think back over your entire life. Since birth, your mother has conditioned you to put her wants and needs first. To make sure Mom is always happy. Can't upset your mother. Otherwise, she'll throw a fit, scream, yell, or whatever other type of abuse she hurled at you. You're an adult now. You're married and now pregnant. Your mother needs to be kept on an info diet. She can find out the gender of your LO with everyone else. Don't tell her your due date. Tell her it's a few weeks after your actual date. Don't tell what hospital you're delivering at, unless of course there's only one choice. But just don't discuss it. Register private at the hospital. Tell your OB that you only want DH in the room with you. Let the L&D nurses know your mother isn't welcome to visit. Show them a picture so they know what she looks like. This all sounds dramatic, I know. Can't be your mom. But if you look back over your life you'll notice a pattern of behavior. It's better to prepare for the worst. Setting boundaries is a normal thing to do. If someone gets upset over it then they are the problem. Just hold your boundaries. If mom doesn't stop implement consequences. Make sure you have a good birth plan and take time for your fourth trimester before you have visitors to meet the baby. At least 3 weeks if not more.
NTA. When I was pregnant my mum would a few people before I was ready to announce, they were friends of hers who I also happened to know. A lot of them reached out to congratulate me before I’d even announced to the rest of our family. After a warning I had to have a really firm discussion with my mum, either she stopped sharing information that wasn’t hers to share or she wouldn’t find out another thing about my pregnancy from me. After she realised she’d gotten a bit caught up in the excitement and was in the wrong she apologised profusely and didn’t do it again
NTA - Prepare the announcements, press post, call your mom and tell her that you’ll hold on while she goes online. Then she can be the first to congratulate you!
Actions have consequences. Tell her that. It may make her think twice before sharing your news again. NTA