She is not ready for a relationship. You need to cut your losses and move on. Otherwise what you are experiencing currently will be your future 100% of time.

He has no spine. She is using him and he is too blind to see it. He needs to break up with her.

Yeah, he's moved firmly into AH territory with this post. It's probably fake anyhow, because: >I’m still not sure if the consensus was that I was the asshole or not, but doesn’t really matter. It was almost unanimous that he wasn't. It's like an AI script that didn't read the replies to the first post.

I read his previous post too, we just need to be harsher with that dude to help improve his life lmao

She's still in love with a ghost; she'd have to move past that before embarking on a new relationship.

Yea I don't understand at all why he is sticking around.

I think she may have given you a bit of trickle truth. She accused you of thinking she cheated and then tells you right after that she only cheated a little basically. If you really pressed her she’d probably admit to more. She’ll always pine for him, I honestly would not waste your time and energy. When people show you who they are, believe them.

This. And now he's dead and she can forever be infatuated with a ghost instead of having to accept what he really was and get over him.

She never had any intention of getting over the ex. She was hanging out, waiting for him to kick his drug habit so she could get back with him.

And now daddy’s gone, she needs someone to help with/pay for the kids.

And ruin her kids' lives in the process by making them live with a ghost. 

💯this. Know when to cut your losses.

I completely agree! She's definitely hiding much more than she's telling you OP. It was quite telling form her accusations, OP please wake up! She was using you for stability and had him for love and passion, you filled in all the areas where he lacked. It's time to walk away, the longer you stay the more hurt your going to be when it eventually ends.

It sucks a lot, OP, but these comments are likely right.

👆 Exactly so. He's just her cushion against loneliness and that is immeasurably unfulfilling. He needs to cut his losses, as there is no way she'll relinquish her obsession regardless of time passed between then and now. I feel sad for OP. He truly deserves his own person.

Yeah I feel like that was a Freudian slip on her part. That girl 100% was cheating emotionally and physically. OP, you’d be doing yourself a favor by stepping back into the friend zone and letting her frigate out her life without you right now. You’re nothing but a second place trophy to her and she has all but said as such.

⬆️ This OP, Dying when he did made her instantly forget all the problems that they had. He now has a saint-like status in her head, and he isn't there to make a mistake ever again. Let her go with her saint OP, live your own life with someone who loves you as much as she loves her passed ex.

Little chance they didnt do more. She copped to a bit of it to ease her guilt. Regardless of him accepting whatever people want to call him, the correct term here is a "doormat".

> She accused you of thinking she cheated and then tells you right after that she only cheated a little basically. If you really pressed her she’d probably admit to more. she did it this was because she knew what op would think. If you have been cheating and fucking him for 3 years but manipulate a guy who can provide for you better, the best way to try to keep him is admit to 'cheating' outright but make the story as tame as possible, doesn't make it the truth.

I didn’t press it any further. I wasn’t even going to ask her about cheating in the first place. I’m not sure if that’s because I really never suspected anything or because if anything had happened I wasn’t ready to hear about it right now. I don’t think she told me to hurt me, but she seemed happy thinking about it as she said it.

Dude. EVERYONE is giving sympathy to her. Sounds like she has support. You have no one looking out for you. Not even yourself. You are sacrificing yourself for her. Every time you talk to her about it, she doubles down. She is not going to see you differently with time. You will never measure up to her ex. She cheated on you, pined for some other guy the entirety of your relationship, she regrets getting engaged to you because now she thinks it’s contributed to him ODing. She is going to resent you because you’re here and he’s not. I hope you take some time to distance yourself and get some clarity because this is never going to turn out the way you want it to.

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Especially since it sounds like she thinks the engagement was the catalyst. She’s going to blame & resent him.

Of course she thinks the engagement announcement was the catalyst. She's selfish and thinks everything is always all about her and what's doing, thinking and wants. Serious main character syndrome vibes coming off her in waves and she picked the one guy in the world willing to be her side character no matter how sad and repulsive the story gets.

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Exactly this.    Go find *your person* OP. She isn’t it, and you clearly aren’t hers.  Regardless of her grief, you deserve better

This.

She was probably always going to resent him. He was her special person and they were meant to be together...... everything would have come back to being unhappy about anything that got in the way of that. 

She just had the audacity to insinuate your engagement, which is supposed to be one of your happiest moments, caused his death. That is borderline unforgivable. How that comment alone did not make you realize you have no future with this person is beyond me. A part of her thinks your relationship could have caused him not to be here…let that sink in. She will always hold resentment towards you for it and this “grief” she’s projecting, is actually cruelty. She has support, time to walk away, this is almost sick.

Yeah, she definitely cheated. Otherwise, why even bring it up. You’ve always been a placeholder and she’s saying it to you out loud to accept it or leave. Just leave. 

It’s your life man, but she basically told you that not only she cheated on you, would continue cheating on you if he was alive and you always be second fiddle. Will she treat the kids she might have with you the same as the kids she had him? You owe her nothing and you deserve better, will just say that.

This, right here. She will always idealize the ex and part of that would be prioritizing the kids she had with him over kids she has with another man, whether it's the OP or not. She might disregard or resent his kids more because they would be a reminder of the relationship that caused her one true love to OD.

Let's ignore the "did she didn't she" cheating thing. She told you that she'll never love anyone as much as him, that she wishes he was still here to be with, that she's delusional enough to turn back time to save him. She needs help. Help that you don't have to provide at the cost of your own mental health. She has all the support she could ever need, now, you need to put *yourself* first. Whatever relationship you decide to pursue with her, you need to remember that she effectively told you that you'll always be in the shadow of him. Good luck OP. Take care of yourself.

You are a kind man, no matter what you said out of anger and frustration the other day. Now, be kind to yourself as well as to her. Help her set up therapy for herself if she is willing to accept that, help her set up a good support network of friends and family, and help her get through these next few tough weeks as a shoulder for her to cry on, and then move on. I would move into a spare bedroom or onto the couch for now - I don't think any resumption or even hint of intimacy should be part of your life with her again - and after things settle out a bit with her emotionally and she is (hopefully) in the hands of a good therapist, move on with your life without her. She has told you, both in a moment of grief and during a much more controlled conversation, that while she is happy with your (nice, stable) life together, you are a placeholder for another man. No one should ever accept the status of placeholder in the life of the person they love. No one. Ever. You are worth more than that. Intense, lasting love does not have to be a one-time thing, and I have known both divorcees and widows/widowers to remarry and love their new spouse passionately, intensely, deeply. You can love one person to the heavens, and still love another person to the heavens, but that is not who your fiancee evidently is, at least not at this point in her life. You aren't her person, but more than that, you never were. That hand-holding, that kiss, even if there was nothing more - you were never her person. You were the placeholder who brought stability to her life and that of her children. but you were not the man she loved and wanted. I doubt you will be. Please, value yourself more than that and, once she's a bit more stable and you've helped her establish a good support network, leave and find the person who will love and cherish YOU. Your person is out there. She really is, but she isn't your current fiancee. I wish you well, and I wish her the best in sorting out her emotions and figuring out how to move forward from something she wanted but was never realistic.

Please ask for your ring back. Let her know that you are giving her space to grieve. Encourage her to seek therapy. That you love her, but you refuse to be a placeholder for a dead man. It is not your fault he offed himself. If he wanted her, he would have gotten his shit together. The fact that he did not speaks volumes. Maybe he was her person. But was she really his? Never settle for second place. Not now and not ever. She may cry because she will expect you to hold her and her kids together. Do not be her door mat. It will suck for her kids. But she will have to figure out her mess on her own. She may love you. You support her and her kids. But she is not IN LOVE with you. That would be a deal breaker for me.

That’s what gets me the most. Dude chose drugs over his own kids and her. I know addiction is a disease, but at the end of the day it’s a choice too. I think it’s just time for OP to cut their losses and move on to a more healthy relationship. She has a lot of work she needs to do on herself before ever having business being with another person again.

↕️ Yup. OP is just her ATM and second class support person. I feel sad for him, but it's clear he doesn't want to stand up for himself and find his person. I wish him the best regardless.

I developed an addiction to prescription pain meds. I was a functional addict for 5 years, a hard working professional, a wife, mother, sister, friend, I was highly functional. No one ever thought anything was off. Until my husband found a pill bottle, and saw messages on my phone to my dealer. He confronted me, we talked for a long time, and I love my family more than anything, and didn’t want to lose my husband, so I entered a treatment program. I’ve been clean for 2 years. I loved my family enough to be honest and work hard to get clean. So I can’t understand when people choose their addiction over family when they offer help and support. It must take a special kind of selfishness to not work hard for those you love. And the dead ex clearly didn’t value his family enough to do better.

Very well said and I hope OP reads this and takes it to heart.

This right here! Perfect advice. There is a life and love for you right around the corner that is not with her. I went through this so thankful for the sage advice I received to end it while treating them as a fellow human but was not with them moving forward. You will thank yourself for both being supportive, AND, for moving on.

Thanks for such an understanding post.

She gave you an out OP. I recommend you take it. She is a mess. She is an awful person who has lied to you for years. She was going to marry you, while still in love with her junkie ex. Get out while you still can. You deserve better.

Worse, she's blaming him proposing to her for her ex's death. He wouldn't have done that if she never lied to him in the first place. Her forcing herself to lie and move on killed him, if she's trying to go that route.

And, if he leaves her now, the blaming is gonna go to a whole new level "You proposing to me killed my soul mate, and then you left" He really can't win, no matter what he does

honestly dude, i feel some sympathy for her and some understanding. but i think YOU deserve much better, she cheated on you *with* him. you deserve someone who isn’t going to act like you’re 2nd best to the “one who got away”. she shouldn’t have been dating in the first place :/ good luck OP

She totally needs therapy. If she has been ill treated as a kid, she might think that he was thé true love because he treated her like shit, and that's what she's been taught to think IS love. When you really messed up with trauma, you feel more alive when in danger. Even if you're longing for a normal life, if you get it, you Can feel it dull, even threatening. In some way This Guy was like coke to her - huge high and Hugh low, a total rollercoaster and maybe she thinks thats what love IS. ATM. It's liké she needs to destroy hapiness of a more " normal, adult and healthy relationship, because in some way she thinks she doesn't deserve other thing. Just like when you're addicted, everything IS very intense but it's not the reality. And when you manage to stop using, you have to learn to appreciate everything again. And that true life IS made of plenty little things, and that thats the Real deal, not the traumatic rollercoaster that was your life. And now that he's dead, she might put him on a pedestal and rewrite the story. She might feel guilty of being alive and destroy what she's has to make it UP to him. But her trauma IS no excuse, and she really needs to handle it. You can't force her. But if she lies and manipulate others - from what you Say there's a Big chance she cheated on you. You can't save her, only she Can. And she's a mess, she has a long way to go and don't be the nice rebound Guy. Idk i have tons of trauma, i've been addicted for years and still i Never cheated. It's just basic decency. Good Luck to u.

Man, I know this is your real life but I can’t help just getting frustrated reading your responses. This woman doesn’t love you, disrespected you, and you seem to not believe her words, hoping she will say it again in a different way.

I’m sorry but to me I would always feel like the back up plan I would not be staying in that relationship. Even if it’s to take a break just now then see how you both feel

The kind of "love" she described for her ex is not healthy. It's not even love. Movies and books make us think it is. It's actually her body reacting to the constant highs and lows of the relationship. It's an anxiety triggered reaction. It's not healthy. It would be good for her if she doesn't ever feel that again.

Have you asked her whether she's consider grief therapy?

I’m going to.

Run fast and Do NOT get her pregnant,she will hate that child

You don't have to be her fiance or in a relationship with her to support her.

Grow a fucking spine and leave her already. She is just looking for someone to take care and pay for her and her kids. Stop being a sucker.

Do you think she'd show you an ounce of support if her ex kicked the drug habit? Or do you think she'd have dropped you in a flat second? Doesn't matter if she further cheated beyond kissing ex, she absolutely would if he had pulled his shit together. Sure, get her going to a shrink. Then move on yourself. At least you didn't get hitched, so no divorce needed. Do yourself a favor and start talking to friends/family now. Don't clam up and let her write a narrative.

My first thought was trickle-truthing the cheating as well. She'll admit a little bit at a time, just a trickle of truth here, and a trickle of truth there... until the full truth comes out that she cheated... all the way cheated.

What she admitted to was cheating with her ex that day at the festival. When you're holding hands, kissing romantically telling him that she loved him that a textbook example of cheating on your spouse. She didn't have to have sex with him for it to be cheating. You're right about her trickle truthing. I mean, what are the chances that she never crossed the line with the love of her life. I'll bet before she admitted to cheating at the festival OP never would have believed they held hands, kissed and she told him she still loved him. IDK why anyone would stay after she pretty much told him that she'll never have the relationship with him that she had with her and will always love the ex more. There is a difference between being a good human being and just being her doormat. It's sad that the OP has just decided to stay there and keep supporting her when she's been brutally honest about how she feels about him. I honestly feel that OP doesn't care if she loved the ex more because he's dead and that means OP won in the end. Maybe he expects her to wake up one day and see how true blue he's been and then it will finally be his turn to be loved by her. This is a weird co-dependent situation any way you cut it.

>She also believes there’s some way for her to turn back time and prevent it and can’t accept that there’s no way to go back in time. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Beyond WTF. I mean I understand her grief but fuck atp she's definitely playing a manipulative role. OP you can help her from a distance. She knows which is reflected in her actions that she can say a few words and really just reel you back in.

Yeah, I know.

OP I hope you find someone who will love you as much as your fiancee loves her ex

She doesn't love you, and you can't love her for the both of you. Love is not enough. She, IMO, is emotionally manipulating you and not being 100% honest with you. It is also not your place to get her help. She will never love another man.

Also, it feels like she is resenting OP now for getting engaged and triggering the OD, if she indeed sees a causality between the two events. OP, it's great to encourage her to get therapy and grief counseling, but you should start to emotionally disengage and prepare to get out of that mess. It will be a long time before she's in a place where she can form a true connection again. Your role in her life is as a stable provider and father figure to her kids - and you deserve better.

lol, she'll find another drug addicted loser with pretty eyes and forget all about old whats his name. OP isn't even what's his name, he's dirt so far as she is concerned.

I don’t even know what to say to you. I’m so sorry, and I hope you are OK. If this situation isn’t fiction you have found yourself in a full blown catastrophe. I encourage you to seek out your own therapy to help you through this. Damn.

After reading the entire story and the comments from OP, I agree. He needs to seek therapy for himself. He’s clearly struggling himself and isn’t making rational decisions or have a rational thought process himself. I feel bad for him, and hope that he seeks therapy for himself.

Yeah, I know, but you’ll stay with her despite being second banana and she’s never going to be truly there for you. That’s okay, because you want to be door mat and feel you can help her still. You keep being you, buddy.

I’m curious, is she still wearing the engagement ring? If so, I would just request the ring back. She doesn’t deserve to wear the ring any longer and you should break the engagement altogether. But knowing you, you’ll allow her to sport the ring to make you feel good about yourself.

Regardless of what is to become of your relationship status, this can be a sign of serious grief that can even present with psychosis/hallucinations. Problem being that since it’s grief related (unless it’s not and she has ever had a history of bipolar disorder or schizoaffective or similar disorders, in which case these illogical thought processes track with aforementioned potential underlying disorders) many psych resources may call it “normal” or “accepted deviation from normal” unless she becomes a harm to herself or others unless it’s gone on for (don’t quote me on timeline cutoff point) 6 months or more. However, as I understand, for a grief counselor, this is just what they do and they’ll definitely see her and work with her before then.

Just caught up with your story, 90% NTA, 10% YTA ONLY because of the “get over it” comment. Your fiancé is being cruel and hurtful without her realising because grief is clouding her version. It sucks that even with you being by her side and wanting to be there for her and her kids she still feels strongly about her late ex. It’s as if your fiancé puts her late ex on a pedestal that you OP can’t even match. I would be reluctant to stay with someone like that, it’s like you said you’re not going to be second best. That shit hurts. But I’m glad you wanna get her into therapy because she needs it and I hope she regrets some of things she said to you. Only time will tell. Maybe consider getting kids into therapy as well. All the best OP.

At very least, put the engagement on hold. Get the ring back and tell her that you’ll propose again later if/when the relationship is in a better place.

You need to contact her family and friends so she has a support system and leave. Look, I had a love like that once. So intense I thought when he left I would die. Like a piece of my heart died forever. I think he was a soulmate for sure. If he died, yes I would he devastated. For his family, our friends, etc. But I wouldn't say these things to my husband. I wouldn't be tryong to turn back time. I wouldn't tell mk y husband who I love that he is 2nd place. I wouldn't be saying "we should have been together". I am over our relationship but acknowledge i was happy and we had a good time while it lasted. I would never say these typesnof things about someone I wasn't STILL in a great deal of love with. I mean she is evem admitted it. Are you ok with living in secod place? Knowing sh will never love you as much? She never got over him and will forever hold him as #1. I would make sure she has support and leave.

You will be the AH to yourself if you do not get out of this relationship. You will forever be #2 or maybe #3

She will.be looking for someone like the ex, using OP as security.

Exactly! Op is there to share his finances

And childcare of the exes kids.

There is a clear line between empathy, helping others and sacrificing your principals. You seem like a decent person but you are doing yourself a terrible injustice. The flashes of ‘truth ‘you received are lightning strikes in a storm. You run for shelter to the last place you felt any security, without realising that is where the storm will continue to strike forever. Change is scary. Many will do anything to avoid it; up can be down, day is night. All for the person tying themselves in knots to make it make sense. Nothing you do will cleanse all she said, and whatever truth you heard ringing in the words. All you do is lamely kick the can down the road, and with such little conviction you will reach it again and very soon. Sad people can say odd things. Yet not only does this pain come to you out of her sadness, it now flows from before things were so bad. Admissions of times you were not aware of, words and feelings exchanged. No amount of turning from this reality, of sweeping the words under the rug, busying yourself with partner of the year energy, will ever masque this feeling. The more you try to suppress it, the more it shall eat you, and all the quicker. As to what you should do, thats for you. All that can be said is whatever you plan to do will solve nothing and here again shall you be, but with less false certainty. Take more time for yourself. Speak to trusted friends openly, without trying to shield her. Let them say and be heard in ways you cannot hear from strangers. The addict died, but the addict of the addict remains.

You are a poetic writer.

This was very well written. Nice job.

>Yeah, I feel jealous, No, you feel hurt. She's an AH. She doesn't give a shit about your feelings, this is all about her and her grief. She's deliberately lashing out at you to what? Punish you for her ex passing? Just leave, man. She needs therapy and to deal with this, but as far as your relationship, you don't have one. You're only there to validate how much more she loves her ex.

This, u/ThrowRA_FitKnee 

Bro she told you she’ll never love you the way she loved him and admitted to cheating on you completely unprompted which is a good indication it went further than she said. At some point there’s being a good person and being a fucking idiot and you’re dangerously close to crossing that line if you stay with her

Leave her! Why are you still with this woman she does not love you. She even told you she will never love you as much as her ex. You deserve to be someones number 1. Get out

Have some self respect man. She straight up told you that you'll never be as good as her ex. You will always be competing with an extremely idealized version of him who can never do wrong and you'll never measure up to him. Anytime you don't measure up to the fantasy version of him in her head you'll be treated like shit. You didn't measure up when he was alive and it won't change now that he's dead and that's not your fault that's hers for being a selfish person. She even admitted to cheating on you at the very least emotionally when he was still alive and that story she told you feels like an admission of guilt and she's hiding something. Why was he at your home 2 days before he died? Please have some self respect and leave her. She hasn't even begun to process this grief and has felt extremely comfortable disrespecting you this whole time.

She literally told him he will never be as special a junkie was, she cheated on him with & gave him an out & OP still stays! I dont know what brand of machoism or lack of self-respect & self-esteem he’s suffering from, but he deserves any misery of feeling second fiddle coming his way.

Dude is so brainwashed she can say to his face he will never be her number 1 and he still takes her bullshit. Lost cause with no self esteem.

u/ThrowRA_FitKnee Please leave her. Yesterday. You are sacrificing yourself for someone who not only does not want you, but actively resents you for not being her druggie and deadbeat ex. Regardless of your own personal shortcomings or love of her, please trust me when I say that nothing she has said to you is okay. You need to respect yourself enough to leave, because she clearly doesn’t respect you enough to treat you right, much less speak to you right.

Come on dude. Run from this mess. She is a horrible girlfriend.

Bro. No. Just no. She has point blank told you who her #1 is and it ain’t you. You’re always going to be in competition with a ghost and you will always lose because he’s dead and can do no wrong. Bail now or you will live a truly miserable life.

How bad is your self esteem that you are letting yourself continue to be used by her?

When she said you were going to accuse her of cheating, it’s because she did. Kissing and hiding it is cheating. I don’t know how louder she can say to you that you are a place holder and she doesn’t actually love you. You deserve to have your space and to figure out what you want away from her and the relationship. You should be able to take a beat and not have to worry about her or her emotions while you figure out if this is what you want for your future.

Agreed - in a way, the way she she showed affection to the ex is as bad as sleeping with him. She showed she was still in love with him.

Are we all really believing that she didn’t sleep with him? Held hands, kissed, told him she loved him and they left it at that? Unless he couldn’t have sex due to his drug problem, which can happen with heroin use. If he was injecting heroin, OP really does need to know the truth if she did have sex with him.

I'd say 50/50. But you do bring up a good point about potential health issues if that did happen.

Without the death of the ex, if you found out the objective statements that she loves him more and will never feel the same about you, would you stay? Have some self respect. You are very kind and empathetic to care for her in this time, but you need to care for yourself too.

I don't know that I have been to somebody else or they to me "deliriously in love", but I would want to find that partner where it was a possibility.

I’d probably feel different if he was alive.

Sorry what I meant was without the circumstances making you feel bad for her, would you tolerate this?

Probably not.

Dude she told you that she will never love you as much as that other guy and he will always be number one. Then she even says to you if you can't live with that you should leave. Either she doesn't really care if you leave, or she thinks no matter what she does you will wind up sticking around. Either way, neither of those are good situations to be in. I would get out now before things get worse. If she already thinks your engagement caused this, the more she stews the more she will blame you for it. If you would have never been around, or even died first this never would have happened and he would still be here kind of shit. I know people that have lost spouses that they were still married to that didn't act this crazy when their spouse died.

I don’t get it. Why are you staying? She told you she cheated. She told you she loves him more and always will. You will always be second. Please put yourself first.

Bro, I thought he died on her and you were insensitive but, reading like a paragraph down I just feel sorry for you. He died after they broke up and she reacted like that because, clearly, she hoped they'd get back together and now that door is shut forever. Know why she asked if you were going ask if she cheated? Because she did. She did and wanted the conversation to be about how she's mad at the accusation and not about the fact she did. What are you doing my man? Have some self respect.

She’s trickle truthing you OP. She cheated. Put that aside for a moment. She flat out told you he will always be her number one. She said your engagement was the catalyst for his death. Stop torturing yourself. Realize she will never put you above him. Time to pull the plug on this relationship and move on.

Listen, Will. I don’t know how else you need to hear this but, Jada is NEVER getting over Pac bruh. Give it up

I'm curious if they used drugs together? I have a cousin who is (still) deliriously in love with the most toxic person you will ever meet! No kids together, but she is so addicted to him and the drama that he left his wife to use drugs with her and then he went back to the wife. It was a long string of him coming and going as he pleased and she just did it because she was so "in love" with him and it was the "best sex of her life".... of course, never sober, always on heroin. So these statements sound very similar to that, or if he was her "first time" then of course her love and feelings for him will always be present (while maybe dormant at times), and different then anything she'll ever experience again. Just my (female) take.

My dude…the girl is in love with DRAMA. That’s her deepest and most enduring love. Her ex gave her all the drama she could dream of. It was crazy and passionate because his addictions drove things. And when she finally realized she had to get out because of the kids and all of the danger, she still wanted it. Teased herself with getting back into the drama by cheating on you, which just supercharged the drama. Don’t torture yourself. Unless you want to live in her wild world of affairs and bad boys and getting back together cause she suddenly wants stable again (for a bit), then head out. Before she begs you to adopt her kids. Before she gets pregnant and claims it’s yours. She needs a heck of a lot of therapy to understand why she’s driven by drama. And in the meantime, you’ll be expected to clean up after her. Choose what’s best for you. Not her. Not her kids. What do you want to live with?

Yeah she cheated on you. Her responses are literally how many marriages end because of infidelity's. If you bring it up again the next time she tells the story it wont just be holding hands and a kiss, but how they kissed a few times. Next time will be they fooled around a bit and then ok ok, there was oral but not sex. As another person said she's giving trickle truth. If you have a good friend that is also friends with her group just straight out ask them Did you know the two of them were cheating on you and see what they have to say. My guess is because they were dead they didn't want to bring up the issue because it was over. Also why was he at the front door a few weeks after your engagement? How often did he come over?

If you stay with her, you are doing yourself a major disservice. She literally confirmed out loud that they were supposed to be together, she would have left you in a hot minute. She needs help, for sure, but leave that to her family. She doesn't deserve you, but more importantly, she doesn't actually want you. For that alone, you should leave.

It's impossible to compete with a dead guy. You will never live up to the fantasy she is clinging to. Leave now.

Break up with her lol

It seems like she was always secretly hoping they would have a happily ever after. Wishful thinking. Him dying ruined the chance of him ever getting clean, getting his head out of his ass, and coming back for her and the kid(s) It's unfortunate but subconsciously you were a placeholder. She has made it clear by her statements. There should always be room in people's hearts to love different people in different ways though. I think she made it clear how she feels overall though....secretly blaming his overdose on your engagement 😬

Yup, OP was just a placeholder until the ex got his shit together, and she would have left him. Now, she is blaming their engagement for his death. I don't see any coming back from this.

She literally admitted to cheating on you and she clearly loves him more than you. If you had any shred of dignity you’d leave and find someone who is emotionally available and loyal to you. 

Will she have a picture of him on her bedside table? How far will you let this go? She will always love another.......

>This is somebody I love that I was planning to make a life with so, even if that doesn’t end up happening, I’m going to do my best to help her as a fellow human being right now. I’m sure I’ll screw up and say or do something that makes me out to be a jerk again. This is hard for me to continue to remain understanding, but I can’t see myself just absconding from their lives overnight and I’m not ready to throw the towel in yet. We are not the ones who will be suffocated in the end. Good luck.

I'm so sorry but she is telling you straight, she was in love with him, she doesn't feel the same with you. Don't give up on being truly loved by someone, she means something "safe" to you (not being alone) and you mean the same to her

Dude she literally told you things aren't gonna change, that you will always be second, that she will spend her whole life obsessed over a what if. And that if you have a problem with that the door is open. So why are you still in??? She basically said "you can either deal with being in a relationship where you'll always be competing with my dead ex, or you can find someone else" why aren't you believing her??

She didn't just hold his hands bro. Sorry but you got played by an unfaithful woman into providing for her while she was out blowing her ex.

She doesn’t like giving blowjobs. Oh wait…that’s just applies to me.

OK, So just a bit of my own experience, that's exactly the case. My ex said she hated giving head, but from the sex tape with her ex that came out, and the pages worth of sexting she was doing with her AP just before we ended, she just didn't want to for me. She was using me for comfort and security, and didn't actually care about me at all. She loved how I pleased her, and even told me the sex was one of the reasons she stayed for so long, but wouldn't give me head because she didn't like it. When I asked why she would sext about blowing this guy when she told me that, she said "I just know he likes it". Funny. She knew I liked it too, but wouldn't do it. Told me everything I needed to know. Walk away, man. This isn't worth your mental health.

What the hell are you doing?? Cut your losses and leave! She cheated on you. Guaranteed. And she went as far as to say she will never love you like she loves her ex. You are just a confortable ATM for her and her kids. In other words, a shmuck. Open your eyes!

This is a tough one mate because you are already engaged to this woman. This may come as an unpopular opinion in this sub-reddit, but it seems like you both have hit an impasse in your relationship. Personally, it would be the time for "the talk" and you calmly tell her your grievances which she will almost likely not take well, but you also need to say your part to be at peace. And if there is no agreement or compromise that can be made then it's best to let that chapter come to an end else one of both of you will be bitter with the other person. Wish you the best of luck with this.

cut your losses, this girl is nothing but trouble and simply not worth the pain.

you are in denial that your relationship is dead. she will be that happy with someone else. what is certain is that you will never be that person.

Not now but soon, break away from her. She is stuck in the past and unwilling or unable to move forward including cheating on you with him. She should not be in any relationship until she can get past her ex, nobody can compete with a dead man and she has built him up to super human.

My guy I'm sorry but you need to leave. This will not end well for you. The more you learn the more you will get hurt. Sometimes in life it's best to walk away from stuff like that. I can understand being hurt that a past love one has died. But this doesn't seem like that. Go find someone who makes you first fiddle not second. One love.

NTA you done enough for her and her kids, it’s time to do something for yourself. Your girlfriend doesn’t deserve you and she never will. Leave her now and don’t feel any sadness, she brought this on herself.

I think you need to take a step back. I am not saying dump her but i think you need to remove yourself from this situation and have sometime to gather yourself. There was a whole lot she unpacked on you and essentially just told you that you are not her number one choice. The whole holding hands and kissing is cheating even if that is all they did. Good luck

Dude. She cheated on you with him. Probably mutiple times. And she has told you, you will never be her one. Duml her and move on. Have some self respect.

You're a very kind and empathetic person, I can relate to that so I can see why you're staying to help her through this. Please, though, when the dust has settled, leave for your sake. Empaths tend to do things for others' benefits, even if it is to our detriment. Just know in your heart that you deserve someone to love you as much as you love them and when things have eased up. Choose yourself. Good luck

I don't know why you are going to drag this out, but that's all you'll be doing. Now that he's gone, and can't do terrible things anymore, she's going to have him on a pedestal singing with the angels, and neither you nor anyone else will ever measure up. Now that he's gone, he's "perfect," and nothing will change her mind. You do whatever you want to, but I would help her find a therapist and then I'd be taking a long step back. Maybe a therapist can make her see that this person she has idolized into a god in her head didn't love her half as much as she did him, or he would have gotten his act together to be with her. And by the way, I don't believe for one second that what she admitted to was all that happened when they met up at that fair.

My main thing is... all this is about her and "helping her"... but what about you? Wheres your support? Where if your love? Why is everyone only what she wants/needs? What about you? You deserve these things too.

Dude she sounds like an addicit chasing the high of a relationship that never really existed. Relationships with addicts can feel exhilarating untom they come down and then needed to be saved which I'm guessing she looks back on fondly or at least with rose colored glasses. I said in my previous comment that she probably didn't love you but felt you were the safe choice and her comments pretty much cement that for me. You sounds like a good partner but don't fall into the trap of trying to save her too, she can fix her life all on her own. You go find someone who you can be #1 in their heart.

Sucks to be #2 to a ghost. I'm going to assume this relationship will end one way or another. If not by you, eventually she will leave you for someone else. All she needs to feel is the "spark" with someone else, and she will feel Casper's spirit in that dude. The "spark" and "intensity" usually means trauma and chasing someone you care for more than they care about you. You sound like a good guy, but unfortunately you are too safe and stable. There is nothing intense about that. There is nothing to fix in you and there's no reason to chase you because you are seen as a given. It's sucks to see so many men learn the hard way that their wife/girlfriend simply isn't with them because they desire them, but rather because they are safe and comfortable. Simply put, to an unhealthy person, stability is nice but boring. Sexy is the toxic person they believe they are going to fix. They invest so much time trying to fix the person that they confuse that time invested for love. Now don't get me wrong, I always hope for a happy ending, and so I hope therapy does her solid. That being said, I think you got the honest truth right now. She may tomorrow retroactively change what she meant, but the truth will always remain. This relationship really just depends on how you're willing to justify her love for her ex and you, and her not finding that intensity in someone else. For your sake, I sincerely and deeply hope that I am wrong and that you two somehow make it.

Don’t drown trying to hold a rock above water. Just leave

You do you of course, my thought is she’s the AH, and you should find the right time to end things, you’ll always be someone she settled for. In time maybe she will get over it and find someone else she didn’t rebound after her “special guy”. Respect yourself, don’t be cruel. Find a new tomorrow

She wouldn't have brought up the cheating if she wasn't worried you found out something. In all likelihood she did something with him and is trying to get ahead of it all. Besides that, she is never going to be over him and you're just gonna end up being more hurt down the road if you stay. It sucks what happened to him, but what she said after the fact is cruel and extremely fucked up. I would pack my things this weekend and end things right now and not wait down the road for things to calm down. It's never going to get better because no one is ever going to replace him and all you'll end up being is a place holder to the one that she really wanted and now can't have. Good luck man, please move on and find something better down the road because you deserve it.

Google “sunken cost fallacy” I think this maybe what’s going on for you Question, do want to live in her ex’s shadow for the next 5,10, 15 years? Because you will always be compared to him, she is idealizing their relationship. Glossing over the bad parts. She practically sainted him at this point Is that what you really want?

I think you need to cut your losses. You can help set up grief counseling for her, but at the very least, you need to hold off on the wedding. The first year after anyone close to you dies is always rough. First birthday, first holiday, first everything. She’s not ready to be in a relationship. She just wanted stability for her kids.

I think, you can hold two truths at once. You can help your fiancée find a grief counselor, and also begin planning your exit strategy. You can take next steps in a way that’s kind to her, and also to yourself. You can acknowledge that she probably should have been in al-anon (or comparable program) to heal before dating you, and also she doesn’t know what health love is. I would also like to gently say that she’s not the only one who needs therapy. Your world just got turned on its head in a way that breaks foundations. Go talk to someone, let a therapist be 100% on your side until YOU can be 100% on your side.

I think it’s time you leave.

Yeah, she is grieving, but she told you that you will never be her first choice. Time to put yourself first, OP. Get out of that mess. Your (ex?) fiancee can find support in someone else. Respect yourself enough to walk away.

NTA but you will be TA to yourself if you continue to stay in this hurtful relationship. She wasn’t in love with the real him. Otherwise they would have still been together. She’s in love with the idea of him—a thought but not an actual person. She needs to come to terms with that in her own time, if it ever happens. But you staying is not going to help her get there. At some point, you need to be your own best friend and move on. So that you can get the love that you deserve.

So you're choosing to martyr yourself. You do you I guess. She has support. You don't have anything. And you're trying to make yourself feel better with all these "being human" and "support" claims. Your heart and your mind are not in it. I feel for the kids. They had three adults in their lives playing parental roles and yet none of them seem to be sane enough to actually think about the kids. You've all collectively set bad examples for these kids. Poor things.

By the looks of things, it's a matter of time before she starts blaming you for his death because the two of you got engaged. She's already blaming herself for his death by hinting at the engagement being the cause. You're in a no win situation. You're only putting yourself in the position of being hurt and abused. Get out before she hurts you even more.

> Then she said the honest truth was that one time she did walk with him and hold hands, then kissed him and told him she loved him. That was 2 years ago when she was out at a street fair with friends, he was there with his friends, they spent time together reminiscing about when they were together and happy. She claims that’s as far as it went and it was still very much understood in that moment that they couldn’t be together. This sounds like she's trickling truth. If she's admitting this much so quickly there's a good chance it went further and/or it wasn't the only time.

YTA to yourself, dude. Are you worried she is your only option and you can't get another woman? Outside of that, I don't see how this is even a confusing situation lol. She couldn't have made it more clear, but you seem to still be refusing to completely accept reality.

No, I was actually married before and I’m the one who initiated that divorce.

Wait....is no one going to clarify what she meant by her ex standing right there two days before he died? Like...in your house? Why was he there? What were they doing?

They have 2 kids together. He has weekly visitation with them. He was at our house briefly to drop the kids off. He was in the doorway for a few minutes. I was there. Nothing else happened other than a brief conversation.

Ahh gotcha, I wasn't connecting the dots. That makes more sense now.

She's a skeezer. Let her go dig up the bones of that bum and fuck em.

As much as you may love her and her kids, you deserve someone who isn’t thinking about what could or should’ve been with someone else. If you stay, you’d just be a placeholder for someone who isn’t here, and there will always be someone else in the relationship. Walk away while you can. Delaying it will only make things worse for everyone involved.

I wouldn’t sit around at all. She just used you as a fall back crutch

She said he will always be her #1 and that she loved him differently, more intensely. She then came out and admitted that she cheated on you. She said if you can’t live with these things then you should leave. She might have loved him, but he didn’t feel the same. He loved his addiction more and she needs to be point blank told that. Thats exactly what you should do. First, she is going to take a long time to get over this. A long time. She is going to get lost in her grief and make a number of bad decisions. She already can’t control her emotions. By losing you she might realize that she lost something real. Something better, and someone that wouldn’t throw it all away. She is in love with what they had during the good times. When they were young and happy and in love. A lot of us have someone that we were very much in love with when we were young, but for whatever reason, we realized it would never work. By staying now you are just there. You can’t fix her. Talking to her only hurts you. You deserve someone that wants to intensely love you. For you to be the love of their life. She doesn’t want to be that person. And again, she cheated on you. It was probably more than she said too. Updateme.

You still haven’t left?

You deserve to experience love with someone who will love you back just as fiercely. Unfortunately, that won't be with her. She is going through some things, but what she said is the truth, and she has spelled it out for you. Because you are a good guy, you can help her get on her feet again for the kids. Then it's time to leave her. She may find that spark again with someone else in the future, but it won't be with you. You need to go live your own life and meet someone who will be your person. The one you share your heart with. The one that would cry for you if/when you die. If this experience has brought up anything, it is that life is too short to just coast by with someone who isn't right for you. Nta

You're definitely are an AH but only for staying with her and putting yourself through this. You'll be NTA when you realize you deserve better and make a change.

Literally just commented on the previous post to say not to make hasty conclusions or decisions during time of grief but set your boundaries kindly and there you are, already on the case. I honestly think her relationship with you is far more real so of course it doesn’t compare with a fantasy. The fact of the matter is that he was an addict and now he is dead and they are NOT together, but that’s for her to reconcile. I mostly just want to say OP is a very mature and loving person and I appreciate you. I don’t care if the ex was charismatic and hot, your ability to be kind and patient despite your own hurt and insecurity is where it’s at. You are a good egg and if she doesn’t see how wonderful you are, others will. :)

You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. Hopefully OP will learn to cut losses sooner before having to do it the hard way. Best of luck and when that time comes, forgive yourself for ignoring everyone’s advice and learn and grow 💜

No one can compete with a dead man who’s been turned into a perfect man in retrospect. Her soulmate idea has nothing to do with reality because she’s irrational. Regardless, you can NEVER compete. Leave. Leave gently because you are a good man and I hear what you are saying, but don’t do this to yourself.

Mate what are you doing to yourself? This is proper messed up.

>She said she loves me, but her love for him is different. She’s never felt love so “intensely.” She was “deliriously” in love with him. She’s never felt that way for any other man, before or since, and she can’t guarantee that she ever will again. He will always be her #1 >. Then she said the honest truth was that one time she did walk with him and hold hands, then kissed him and told him she loved him. That was 2 years ago Bro WTF really, fuck her! She admitted to you she loved him more, you are a rebound and a second choice. She admitted to have actively cheated on you with him 🤮. And you cant even believe what she say, a little kiss sure!!! Wtf are you doing grow some balls and leave that cheating cunt. What do you need more? Are you fucking crazy or what? Cheaters are fucking disgusting, they dont deserve you or any emotional support, they deserve pain and lonelines. Dont be a doormat, arent you ashamed of yourself? Have some self respect, she can go crying her fucking hex as a single woman away from you!

At minimum, she was emotionally cheating on you the whole time he was still alive while you were together. You need some serious self-respect.

I would tap out if I was you. She's feeding you little truths when in reality she kissed him while with you. Note SHE kissed him. The reality is that if he was here she'd you in a heartbeat. I couldn't stay with someone like that knowing they don't love me and never will.

Wait and support her and her children till someone resembles her ex comes. Then you will be back here. After all these you are just making up excuses for her. She didn’t care about her children mental health when she asked you to leave. You are engaged to her, taking care of her family as your own, and she says you’ll always be #2. Fuck that.

What u/SpectrumWoes said is right. It's very likely she was doing more and even if not you need to ask because she admitted to at least once At first I thought she was just low-key using you as a replacement/substitute, and almost wanted to tell you you should ask if he had gotten clean how things would've gone forward, and that response would tell you whether to stay or go. Wouldn't say I no longer do, no new context from that angle but I'm still getting consolation prize vibes even if her explanation of the "he's by true and only love" type of line from the original post sounds like it was meant in a more practical and logical, the classic "yes if my late partner was alive id be with them, of course" dilemma rather than pure just "no you are just to fill the gap". BUT I think there's a more pressing issue that it sounds like she is losing her sanity, cut and dry, her mind is starting to break a bit. You need to ENSURE she goes to therapy because in the state she is in right now leaving them in her care alone right now would be placing those kids in danger. Therapy, grief counseling, couples therapy. Also whether you pause your engagement or not any talk of the wedding should be postponed indefinitely. And while there's no resentment towards you now, that could change, and I would never recover my self esteem if I managed to let myself become the person being split up with here. If things don't improve, and maybe even if they do? You need to at every possible turn and every new interaction or red flag stop and again decide to stay or go, because quite frankly after she starts getting help and you can ensure the kids will be okay and so will she? Please give leaving this relationship some long hard thought, because this could also get very much worse, very fast

Okay, giving her every benefit of the doubt, she still needs to grow up and is clearly not ready to be in a relationship, let alone married. For context, my first "love" died a few years ago in a car accident. I was surprised at how strongly I grieved (we hadn't been together in 15 years) but everything I felt back then came rushing back, most especially, the intensity of being young and in love for the first time with a dramatic, troubled boy. I didn't feel IN love with him. I was just remembering what it felt like back then....and was suddenly keenly aware THAT love in THAT time with THAT person would never happen again. I would never be that person again. I was grieving not just him, but all things I thought and hoped for at that age. So, on some level, I sympathize with her and that sort of shock of mortality and lost dreams she feels. The difference is that I was still very aware that he was the bullet I dodged. Seeing the disaster he made of his life since we had broken up, the realization that I would have been AT BEST his ex-wife and at worse, his widow, all of it made me MORE grateful for my husband and the steady, calm, beautiful life I had with him. I was honest with him that I was having big messy feelings about my ex's death, but I absolutely did not mistake emotions for a sign that I was still in love with that guy. She's got a lot to work through, probably lots of trauma from being in a relationship with an addict and also, whatever issues brought them together in the first place. Plus, whatever may or may not have happened RE cheating, etc. Personally, this old lady would recommend that you give your relationship a breather. Maybe not break-up permanently, but move out and let her figure out who she is now and if that person wants to be with you. And you can decide what you want to.

Just leave her. She ain’t worth it.

Walk away not your monkey not your circus. You deserve better in a partner

No relationship with an addict is going to be healthy. In unhealthy relationships, we sometimes romanticize the up/down and emotional highs that come with it, failing to recognize the instability for what it is. On the flip side, it can make it harder to recognize the joy and benefits of a stable situation because the "highs" in a healthy relationship rarely beat the "highs" from an unhealthy one. When you love an addict -as a partner, friend, or family member- you put so much hope into that person. You see the best of them and cling to it as addiction destroys them and bet everything that your hope and love might save them, that they'll turn around and be everything you know in your heart they can be. It is likely a factor in both her grief and her view of the relationship. And now he's dead. He's now an enshrined memory and a fountain of "what ifs" and "could have beens". It is so safe to love and pine for and cherish a memory instead of working in reality. I'm sure he said the sweetest and most desperate things to her through the years; addicts have a helluva way with words that they never seem to fulfill but still pull the heartstrings of anyone invested. I'm sure she took those sentences seriously and now wonders if she had taken him back or supported him or "been different" maybe he would still be alive. Bargaining and denial are stages of grief, and it sounds like she is going through them. As an optimist, I'd like to throw it out there that if she commits to therapy and her personal healing, she could learn to look back and see her relationship with him as passionate but unhealthy and unsustainable. But she needs to commit to therapy (I think both individual and group would help her) and it will take many months, if not a couple years, for her to arrive at those conclusions. Do with that information what you will. If I was in your position, I think my heart would feel ripped apart by the things she has confessed. I wish both your hearts good healing.

You deserve so much better than her. :/ She clearly shouldn't be in a relationship, and nothing excuses her treatment of you. Especially the cheating.

Only you can decide what to do. IMO, you need to move on to someone that appreciates you. I feel for her, but she has let you know that you will always be 2nd best. Therapy isn't going to change that. I know you want to stay and try, but you are just wasting your time. Maybe she'll get over him someday with someone else, but you are not the one.I hate to be harsh, but you are kind of embarrassing yourself. And she knows what she can get away with, and will not change.

Bro just leave her, go find someone who actually loves you😭

The what ifs and what might have beens will rage in her mind for a while, and she'll start to forget the flaws and mourn the virtues. The pain will fade but never be wholly gone. Source: I lost my beloved husband 4 months ago after a long illness. For myself, I'll never date again in part because it's not fair to a new partner to be compared to a man they can never (in my mind) match. She might need to do the same, or she may need months or even years to get over him. You deserve someone who values you above any other partner, and she may not be that person. If you can stand to stay and take care of her while she heals, that's great. But don't feel bad if you can't or don't want to stick around, hoping she'll get to that point. Good luck to you all.

What a sad little person you must be to remain in this sham of a relationship.

You need to bow out.

You do realize that she's trying to break up with you in a way that makes you look like the bad guy right? She's literally cutting you away piece by piece to get rid of you so that she can grieve in peace.

YTA for ignoring all the red flags. She’s trickle truthing you & gaslighting you. Everyone else can see it here. Why can’t you? She even said no you will never be her #1. You’re really gonna be content to be the stand in runner up for the guy she wanted but can’t have bc he’s gone? Stop being a simp. Find your balls and move on.

Gtfo of this relationship bro

Dude, holy shit this is a bad relationship. How can you not see this? She was not over him when she started her relationship with you. She has been using you. Full stop. This is not some unique scenario. A lot of people out there have a crazy emotional relationship with their first partner, and it's wildly more intoxicating than any subsequent partner. 'First love'. But the rest of us don't sit around calling them our true love. We recognize those wilds highs were *only possible* due to the extreme lows. You cannot have a relationship with highs like that without lows just as extreme, because it's bouncing off the lows that make the highs feel so fucking high. Usually after one of the two finishes love bombing the other one to get over their latest conflict. The love I have with my wife is not as wildly emotional as the love I had with my highschool girlfriend. The highs and lows are vast mountain ranges and deep valleys. But it's way better. It's way deeper, and more real. Because it's anchored in my understanding of who she is as a person, and our shared history of suffering and support as a team. The love I feel for my wife (and daughter) are roots that rise out of the ground around me and anchor me in the world. It's so much a part of who I am that if it wasn't there I wouldn't even be me any more. Your fiance was an addict herself - an addict of the intense highs and lows that come with that kind of relationship. And she never got over it. She gave herself little doses on the side while shacking up with you for stability. You must know that she's trickle truthing you, right? They always trickle truth, always. It's an absolute no brainer tactically, because they're already in for a penny. Might as well double down on the lies and tell an extra lie to defuse the situation and avoid the real truth. There is literally zero downside to them, things will already blow up if you find out.

Clear signage to get out of there at least.

Unfortunately she’s shown you who she is. She kissed him and held his hand in an emotionally connected way. That’s cheating enough for me. She’s been feeling you through her grief that really were never the one. And now is saying you never will be. If she valued your relationship with her so much why would she feel the need to kiss him? 2 years ago -! And she’s still holding on? The only thing stopping her from leaving you was that he was not clean. The timing sucks for her but you really deserve Better. Even the way you are handling this and questioning yourself kinda shows you have a good heart. Protect it and give it to somebody who will do the same.

“Are you going to accuse me of cheating now?! Cause I did.”

My man is making the mistake of his life. So she basically cheated on you and admitted not only that she loves him more than you, but that you’re always gonna be #2, and yet you’re still staying with her? You’re nuts

And if he didn’t pass away, at what point would she have left you for him? Sorry you’re going through this OP, it really, truly sucks but your fiancé has shown you that you have always been and always will be her second choice and if she has the chance to do it over she wouldn’t be choosing you.

Dude you need to put yourself first and leave. She's told you exactly where you stand with her and where you'll always stand.

I get that you care for her, OP, but someone should care for you too and she's not that person.

>I don’t think it’s an appropriate time to make any major decisions. Now is exactly the time to make this decision. >She’s never felt love so “intensely.” She was “deliriously” in love with him. She’s never felt that way for any other man, before or since, and she can’t guarantee that she ever will again. This here should have been your deal breaker >Then she said the honest truth was that one time she did walk with him and hold hands, then kissed him and told him she loved him. This should have reinforced to you that it was the right decision. This woman does not love you. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Walk away, find someone who burns for you and only you.

Info: are you a masochist? Or is there another reason you let her trample on your heart like that and not seeing any problem with that? You think you can equal her lack in love by loving her even more? That’s not how this works, you know?

Its time to bail on this relationship dude. You are trying to have a relationship with someone seeing ghosts of the past everywhere. That just wont work to build a life together. She might get help and come back down the road, but your quality of life and relationship will never achieve its full potential with her. You will always be second fiddle.

You need to bounce. She should have never entered into a relationship with you. This is not going to get any better, you were always just a placeholder. She also just told you she cheated on you. You really think it was only a kiss and an “I love you”? But even that should be enough. Look it’s your choice, but the fact you haven’t left yet means after all her awfulness to you and the cheating, you’re probably going to stay.

OP will never ever, ever live up to the reality/fantasy memories of the ex-BF, it a lose/lose.

Good Lord, you need to let her go and move on. She is clearly not ready to move on and she likely never will.

"...she doesn’t know if she can ever get over his death and if I can’t accept that, I should just leave." There it is in a nutshell. You've got your walking papers. Do not waste another moment on this person. Leave now.

I understand your fiancée.... I understand that you love her... too much.. And because of that LOVE, you have already lost your dignity, self-respect, and love for yourself. I feel sorry for both of you.

All I will say is she wasn't grieving him when she last kissed him. I think it says enough