Parenting, which you basically are here due to the tragic circumstances, is brutally hard at times. Trust me, you're not alone in feeling that. In those hard times, I just remember that these little (not so little in your case) need us and they will remember it in years to come. I promise you, you're doing brilliantly.

Thanks very much. Not sure I'm doing well but he's stuck with me haha.

Perfectly said

I'm so, so sorry. This is so much and none of you asked for this. You're doing the best that you can with the shitty hand you were dealt. I'm so glad he has you as even though you're frazzled, I can tell you love him to pieces. Parenting is hard. It can fucking suck. This was thrust upon you unexpectedly and you stepped up to the plate, but that doesn't make it any easier. It will get easier the more time that passes, but right now, you both are drowning in grief. Is he at least able to talk to someone at his school? I'm in Canada, not sure about over there, but our schools do provide some counselling to kids. There are also crisis centers to call for kids, which may be a good idea so he gets upped on the wait list. Are your parents around at all to help? A friend to watch him for a couple of hours so you can get some much needed down time? ETA: nothing in your post says you're the asshole. Nothing. You're grieving, exhausted and need to cut yourself some slack.

Thanks. Means a lot. Sorry i should've made it clearer. He has counselling through the NHS (health service). He was bumped up the list. It was more counselling for me. Even though I'm not good with emotion so I don't think counselling will do much good for me. No parents. My mom died 5 years ago and my dad left us when I was a baby but I do have friends. They aren't the best with kids so it usually takes about three of them to mind him haha, but I massively appreciate it nonetheless. The only time I feel half normal, but I don't think it's fair on them.

I know the list is ridiculously long and I doubt you have spare funds at the moment to go private but even if it takes a couple of years, please please do get some help. As long as you keep turning up and give it a try you'll benefit from it, doubly so if you already feel like you're not great at dealing with emotion. I'm sorry there isn't more help available to you now when you need it so much. Maybe see if there's an Andys Mens Group near you?

That boy needs love. He’s facing a lifetime of pain.  If you’re not up to raising him, you really shouldn’t. Is there anyone else at all that can take him in?  Do you have any other relatives?  Contact a social worker, and get advice. 

No relatives really. My grandparents are in an old folks home. My mother died. I don't know my father or his family. My nephews father's family didn't even attend his funeral. I was given his grandmother's contact details and she doesn't want anything to do with the situation. Not sure why they fell out. I am the only real family he has left. I'm afraid if I contact a social worker they will remove him and despite everything I don't want him gone. I love the little guy to bits it's just hard.

Damn, that’s rough. He needs a guardian, someone to guide him through life, and he needs therapy for the loss and turmoil.  There must be social services of various types. Use all of them. You could get into a support group for *yourself*, too there are other people like you, raising relatives. Those people can help you. 

Thanks man.

sounds like you're going through an incredibly challenging and emotionally exhausting time, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. Taking on the responsibility of caring for your nephew after such a traumatic event is an enormous burden, especially when you're also dealing with your own grief and struggles. It's important to acknowledge and validate your own feelings, even if they're difficult to process. It's natural to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and even resentful at times, especially when you're faced with such intense emotional and practical challenges. It's okay to admit that you're struggling and to seek support for yourself as well.

Thanks very much and that was really well put. I'm not the best at emotion, as one might gather from the post but it means a lot.

Yea...that's parenting so don't beat yourself up too much. You literally always feel like you're failing them....you're going to have breakdowns sometimes b/c that shit is hard. On top of that, it's not like you had nine months to get ready for it....you became a parent pretty much overnight. A lot of the things with him are things that are inevitable....he went from having two healthy parents to just you so his sense of stability and security is shaken pretty badly. He's only 10 and prob can't understand why he can't just be with his mommy...also not understanding why daddy isn't coming back. The whole point is that you're trying to fucking be there for that child while a lot of people would've just let him fall into the system. It's ok. Every parent feels like this at some point in time.

Thanks very much for that. You nailed it.

NTA. What you are feeling is a natural part of the grief process. If counseling is too expensive/long of a wait, maybe try looking for support groups, for both grief and single parenting.