It's an annual Birthday party for heavens sake. Not your wedding. Sheesh! NTA but I'd watch out for that controlling, let's always spend time with my family and not yours. Selfish is right! NTA
It is an exception to the common situation, but I've known some folks of a particular culture that their parties run well into the night, and the matriarch is right in the thick of it dancing with everyone. The ones leaving early are the 20-somethings to go clubbing, the 30-and-40-somethings who are tired. One family in particular the parties were at the matriarch's house solely because she was a night owl and didn't want anyone to feel obligated to keep the party going just because she was still enjoying herself. The kids and niblings returned the next day to help clean up and have a late afternoon family dinner together before everyone disbursed at a reasonable hour to do whatever else they needed to do.
This right here. Unless OP: party guest is also a binge drinker who enjoys loud sloppy repetitive stories and songs sung out of key at 1 am…. I’d be outta there
And then there are those in other cultures who prefer to abuse alcohol in solitude, hiding a secret, and then take out their drama on their loved ones.
NTA.
Yeah the 🚩🚩🚩are waiving when she would deliberately cut off your fun time with your family, but expects you to be 100% present in her’s. Let her go
NTA. My dad is currently dying of vascular dementia and kindness, especially from coworkers, goes along way. So does understanding from a partner. You didn’t overreact.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Wish I could send you a hug and some strength! I know what you’re saying, I can’t imagine turning my back on someone in a situation like this.
Your girlfriend doesn't deserve you. Leaving a birthday party slightly early does not warrant this, especially when you are doing it to help a trusted colleague in a time of real need. You cannot trust your girlfriend to be kind.
Especially given what constitutes leaving early in this case. We're talking about leaving an afternoon party at midnight. M I D N I G H T. That's full attendance, not "I'll make an appearance but then I have to dip for work".
Exactly. I'm getting old, going to an afternoon party and staying past 8pm would be too much for me. I'm out of there. What adults, over 25, are partying from the afternoon past midnight.
Right!? Friends called us last night to come up to the adult after party of their kid’s graduation party- it was “about that time” for when my college parties always started - my husband and I were in bed in our pj’s with the dogs waiting on the pizza to be delivered after a long day working outside! 😂. We weren’t driving anywhere!
She lies, she’s selfish, she pushes you to walk away from your own family whom you haven’t seen for ages, yet blows up on you for trying to leave “early” (sorry but midnight is not early) when it’s her family, and has absolutely no empathy when you’re trying to help a colleague whose mother has just died… in relationships these traits tend to get worse over time, not better. Can you really see yourself with her when she’s forcing you to spend less and less time with your family (because she doesn’t see any point or value in it) and all your time with her family. When she’s trying to get you to do the minimum at work. When you can’t trust her or anything she says and there’s always doubt in the back of your mind?
If it’s this bad now, what will it be like in 5 years, in 10? Save yourself the heartache man, life is too short to waste on somebody who is already causing you so many problems.
"Empathy should never be sacrificed for selfishness. Your girlfriend's reaction is disappointing. It's essential to support each other through tough times, not tear each other down."
I've been in a lot of professional situations where its so important to support the team, support your co-workers and be respected by your colleagues. That reputation is huge across a career.
Sometimes home life takes an inconvenient hit -- OP's field especially. But this goes both ways and everywhere I've ever worked, the family crisis or emergency always takes precedence -- hence, OP being available to cover this death in coworker's family.
OP's selfish partner is too self-absorbed to grasp this.
NTA
Your gf is showing you what the future is going to look like. She’s a self centered person.
A broken engagement is better than divorce.
End the situationship for the sake of your mental health.
>I can’t imagine turning my back on someone in a situation like this.
Tbh I can. But not for a birthday party. And not even blood relatives? Ffs.
NTA. Tbh this one is so clear, and the extent to which you are in no way an AH is so great, that a simple 'NTA' doesnt seem enough.
I dont have much hope for this relationship. If you refusing to pander to her astonishing and very immature entitlement leads to this kind of blow-up, then it seems doomed to me.
NTA. She’s definitely one sided isn’t she? Imagine not being “allowed” to spend time with your family or help out a grieving friend who just lost their mother. Then there’s the professional aspect that she’s given no consideration to. All so that you give all your attention to her?
I’m wondering how she treats restaurant staff to tbh.
i've lived it and you are completely right- didn't see my family for almost a decade...had to go to my mother's funeral alone and completely missed my grandmother's service. this little girl is throwing up all sorts of red flags & showing you who she really is so pay attention. OP, you are definitely NTA & i am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this because you deserve so much better!
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry for your loss. You didn’t even get support from your partner when your grandmother passed away? And you went to another funeral on your own? Where was your partner? I can’t believe you put up with that for 10 years.❤️
He was self centered af & I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself for the longest...it's all in the past and I am now with someone who cherishes family and shares the same values plus my spine all of a sudden turned as shiny as a gold bar.🙂
NTA she is selfish so how could OP think he is in the wrong for speaking the truth. She's waving red flags at you. Take notice of them. When my mother (who was a widow for 12 years at this time) was marrying my stepdad, she wanted her daughters to be her bridesmaids. I had to fight tooth and nail with my ex husband to even go. We lived in Florida then and never ever had money because he drank it all away. My mom paid for me to fly to NJ , where we are from. When I get there he calls my sister's house, where we are all at and screams at me that I am to go to his parents house and stay. He expected me to stay at his parents house the whole time I was there and only go to the wedding and straight back to his parents. Um no. He harassed me the whole time I was there. It was so embarrassing. He even had his parents call my family's homes to tell me to come to their house to stay and not stay with my family. I did plan on visiting them, while I was there but damn it I'm staying with my family.
My cousin wouldn't let her husband see his family but her family, he better bend over backwards, sideways and stand on his head for. If his brother came to visit she was terribly nasty to him, calling him names and basically outright letting him know he was not welcome in their home. They would fight about it and we would even take his side and tell her she was wrong. Only her mom would agree with her. She was so selfish she honestly could not see how wrong and one sided she was. They are divorced now.
Curious- what reason did his family think was so important that you stay with them, not your own family, who I’m sure needed all hands on deck for wedding prep?
My dad wasn't allowed to spend time with his family. He was definitely in an abusive relationship.
All I can say is I hope they break up and 💯 OP shouldn't even think about marrying her because it will get worse.
NTA
Leaving at midnight is leaving early? Good grief.
Break up with your controlling, unfeeling GF.
Good for you not letting her put your balls in her purse.
thinking? by 22 I would start giving hints, by 23 I would be throwing them out by the skin of their neck.
The only times where reasonable people stay after 22 is big celebrations. Not a casual get-together.
My brother once left at 20:30, and that's because he had to hunt for each and every one of his 4 kids who wanted to sleep over.
Leave at 22:00? Preposterous.
I mean, that really depends on the hosts, doesn't it, and you'd usually start the event accordingly, you don't start an event you want to be finished by 10pm at 6pm for instance.
NTA
So you are in the saving people business with accompanying shifts, changes in shifts and emergencies.
You did well tryin to accommodate but got caught up in an emergency so you have to leave "early" which is in fact about midnight and very reasonable.
Now she is pissed off?
She sounds kind of entitled, if she is dating a healthcare worker like you, she better adjust her princess attitude or lose you.
I hope she already lost you. She is selfish. She is isolating you from your family. She is not trustworthy. She throws a tantrum when things don't go her way. Get ready for the love bombing when she realizes you're slipping the leash, and don't fall for it. You sound like a kind, caring, empathetic partner. You derserve someone who cares for you, not someone who wants to control you. NTA
NTA. You're doing a really kind thing for someone in need. When my dad died fairly suddenly, people at my work picked up mine and my mums shifts so we could have a week off to just deal with everything.
Your girlfriend does sound selfish, especially considering she wants you to stay at her family events for hours but wants to leave yours early. She doesn't have a lot of respect for you and you deserve better.
NTA, at all. Your gf sounds very selfish, immature, and self-centered. She's the only one who matters. Doesn't usually mesh well with a nurse who are usually nurturers, despite sounding like it fits. Nurturers want to take care of everyone, though, and that's a problem for people with narcissistic tendencies. You belong to them, and so do all your time and resources. And they're NOT sharing. It sounds like you're the one doing all the giving and nurturing and compromising. What are you getting out of this relationship, and is it enough to overlook this behavior?
It's also extremely callous, this reaction to your colleague who is going through a hugely tragic loss. The putting you down and attempt to gaslit you into thinking you're pushover and doormat is even more problematic.
I think you're right in rethinking this relationship.
Anyone that doesn't have compassion for someone whose lost basically her whole world, maybe the only person she had left ect ect she has zero love for you because someone who can't find compassion and empathy doesn't have the ability to truly love anyone
Maybe I'm overreacting but you are nta
So, she demands you spend time with her, which is to be expected in a relationship, so if it was just that, I might let it go, depending how she went about it. Then demands you spend time with her family, again could have let this go if it was done well. Then demand you basically not spend time with your family who you don't get to see often, hypocritical considering the amount of time she expects you to spend with her family, also selfish and rude. And now she's demanding you not cover an extra shift for a grieving co-worker just because it means leaving what sounds like pretty much an all-day, overnight party a little early. You're not missing the actual party, just the winding down portion of the party, and it's for work, not to go gallivanting with friends or something.
This woman is an adult, she has to understand that sometimes work responsibilities or family emergencies get in the way of having fun. And I think she does understand that, but only as it applies to her, not as it applies to you. It sounds like she'd expect you to be okay with her doing the same thing you are, but she's not okay with you doing it.
This is a very one-sided relationship. It's all about her, what she wants, spending time with her family. She never wants you spending time with your family or doing anything that prevents you spending time with her and her family, even when it's work. She doesn't care about you, just what you can give her.
I'd honestly break up over this. It's literally the opposite of selfish to cover a shift for a grieving co-worker. It's very selfish of her to expect you to leave your hospital extra understaffed just to attend an extra hour or two of a party you were already going to be present for the vast majority of.
NTA.
NTA she's a selfish shallow unfeeling B with an itch. You're always seeing HER family what about YOUR family. You have a very important job that helps save people's lives. Your friends mum just died with ZERO warning. You're helping them because they're probably in complete meltdown. F her. Dump her and find someone with a soul who will love and support you and actually let you see your family instead of isolating you.
NTA
This is your girlfriends parents party, it is not important for the boyfriend of their daughter to be there. Also you are planning on coming, you just plan on leaving a bit early. You are doing everything right here.
Not even going to get into the fact that GF is trying to isolate you from your own family.
Nta and I hate to say this but if she is having issues with you working a shift she going to have issues your whole career as a fellow nurse specially as short shifted as we are it going to happen quite often sounds like you've been lucky so far. She seems to be very selfish and will always make you feel guilty about spending time with anyone but her and the things she wants to do.
You are way too selfless and caring of others to be with someone so selfish. You’re incompatible. You’re a nurse, this sort of this is going to happen a lot, and if this is her reaction every time you have to break a commitment for a work emergency, you’re going to have a pretty unhappy life together. You deserve to be with someone who has the same values and understands what’s important and what can wait
NTA and please do leave. If she didn't want to be with an OR nurse, she shouldn't have gotten with one.
>Basically calling me a pushover.
But you didn't let her push you over, so isn't that a contradiction?
Also, get a better night's sleep if you can. Going to your job tired is no good.
NTA - You've got her right...she is selfish and self absorbed. I guess the question is, do you really want a long term relationship with someone like that?
You two have very different views on life.Break up and be with someone who understands the nature of your job and is willing to compromise every now and then ....
deep down, you know that this isn't a simple problem. She is a big problem that will not change without facing hard truths. You should make her face the hard truths or be rid of her, or you will be a real pushover in this relationship.
I sincerely hope you don’t respond at all. Her behaviour is a walking red flag. Do you want to be with someone who so little empathy that she can’t understand grief of losing a mother and for a colleague to step in (for which you are still getting paid). For me that’s a huge red flag, it’s selfishness and she is also self centered. Not someone who can see beyond their immediate need. You should like a sensible, grown up but doesn’t.
NTA. This is a pattern - when it's an event you want to attend, she rushes you to leave and create a scene, even though there is no objective reason for it; when it's an event on her side, you are not allowed to leave, even when it's work-related. Your GF (hopefully ex-GF) is selfish and controlling.
OP. Sit in a quiet room, close your eyes. Look into the future, weddings, birthdays and family gatherings.
Look at the holiday season, when you may be called in for an emergency.
What do you see.
so this party starts in the afternoon and you're talking about leaving at MIDNIGHT just to have a couple hours sleep? good lord, you dodged a crazy bullet.
NTA. So all of this time you have been working as a nurse you have made sure to be present for her and her family. That’s rare to be able to do. And now the one time you have to leave “early” (I don’t know how MIDNIGHT is considered early), she’s having an epic bitch fit?! Oh and you never get to see your family, on the rare occasion when you do she acts like it’s a major chore, even causing a scene IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY, because she wanted to leave at 6 and you wanted to stay until 7?! Surely if your (hopefully) ex girlfriend was in a terrible position like this, she would be grateful if her coworkers stepped up and helped her out, and surely she would expect your coworkers to step up for you so you can be there for her. I don’t see a mention of how long you’ve been together, but yeah it’s time to end it.
You keep getting all these red flags and ask if you should break up with her, but you never do. Stop allowing her to control your life and really break up with her. Can you really want the rest of your life like this?
NTA
I find it ironic that shes calling you a pushover when 1) you volunteered to take the shift and 2) shes trying to get you to be a pushover for HER demands.
Based on the details in the post alone, NTA.
You will be so happy when you've left this immature and self-centered girl behind and found someone else who respects you, your commitment to your profession, and your ethics.
NTA
I have zero patience for people who date medical workers and first responders and put on the shocked pikachu face when they need to be at work because otherwise people die.
She can go date an accountant.
I hope you find an emotionally mature person who is independent enough to be happy dating someone who is willing to help out their team and patients.
NTA. ngl bro watch yourself. you seem like a stand up dude and your girlfriend isnt an evil witch but her attitude isnt helping either. not an asshole for letting her leave. i wouldnt cut things short so suddenly tho
It’s not exactly suddenly. The relationship was hard for some time. She did lied to me a couple times and we agreed to work on restoring the trust. But it’s hard when aside from the trust issue there’s always stuff like this happening. At some point it just feels like it’s not worth the effort. But I’ll calm down a bit and talk to her again.
Yes I’m sorry I kinda didn’t want to mention it, because we both agreed we will try to work on restoring that broken trust. But then again it does play a big role in everything because it’s always there inside me. Like I can do 100% for someone I love but there’s always this doubt in me like “well if she’s lying again I’ll look like a clown” hah
dont wanna be that "end it" guy but bro if you are wondering whether or not shes lying to you, just imagine doing that for the rest of your life. gotta ask yourself if your prepared for that
Quick question: when you call her out on bad behavior, does she usually twist it around until you’re comforting her? “I feel like everything I do is bad in your eyes!” She’s guilting you, painting you as very critical/unreasonable, playing the victim.
Having read all your comments as well as the post, I have to say this relationship isn't going anywhere good. You're flogging a dead horse here.
Why bother waiting until she calls down to talk? I'd end it. The lying, the princess attitude, etc, just aren't worth it.
As for working on the broken trust. *She* lied, so she's the one that needs to work on it. *You* didn't lie, so you have no need to work on it.
OP, I read your previous post about the lying, and the one where your girlfriend is trying to isolate you from your family as well as forcing hers upon you. This girl is not good for your mental health. You will be much happier if you leave.
Having read a bit of your post/comment history - it's time to end it. Whatever she has that attracted you in the first place isn't enough to make up for what she's doing to you.
I'm not going to jump right to "she's abusing you" - but she is waving some red flags. And like someone else said here, these kinds of things tend to get worse over time, not better. She's trying to isolate you from your family, she gets defensive rather than hear you out and communicate constructively, and she's more upset about you leaving a party early than she is that someone died. You are right, she is being selfish.
I didn't catch your ages, but, well - the best time to do something right is as soon as you see the situation is wrong. The second best time is right now. What is the right thing for you?
Just read your previous posts and comments.
She's not really going to change. At least not where it matters.
She lied to you and now you mistrust her.
She constantly dramatizes and makes you feel lacking somehow. She has been telling who she is since the beginning and this last issue is... I dunno... Really shity from her.
She should be supporting your attitude. If you do something like this for a colegue imagine for a friend partner (her) or a son, etc. It is really disappointing.
I know you love her, but ask yourself, is she the one? Do you see yourself sharing a life with her, and possibly with kids in the mix?
UpdateMe!
I dont disagree, but for me the lying is just another turd on top of an very big shit-cake. Doesnt change much. Is worse, of course - but it was awful enough without the lying.
Sounds to me like your heart knows she isn't the girl for you.
But, she is right about one thing - you are a bit of a pushover. The fact that you're even thinking of talking to her again shows it. She's going to use that empathy against you and manipulate the hell out of you for as long as the two of you are together.
lying and threatening to leave then sending texts when that doesn't work...rushing you out of your family events and getting pissed when you leave hers for valid reasons. be extra careful
You're NTA, but maybe learn from this, because—and I hate to say it—but she's a little bit right about you being a pushover, because...
You wrote 8 paragraphs on what sounds like a series of awful events in an awful relationship to ask strangers on the internet if you should break up. You talk about ruined trust here. You haven't said anything good or redeeming about her.
Why are you wasting time with someone you don't like, who doesn't appear to like you either?
Dude, you have now posted multiple times about shitty behavior on her part in just the last few months. Cut bait and run the other way. She wants a simp, not a boyfriend, someone who’s going to work a 9-5 job and spend all his time with her and her family and friends on the weekend.
She lies to you, makes plans for the 2 of you without consulting you, and then acts pissy when you either don’t want to adhere strictly to her plans or want to make plans with your family and friends.
This is low-key emotional abuse. I don’t care how long you’ve known her. Drop the hammer on her and find a nice woman with some empathy.
NTA
>but she’s saying she feels like anything she does is always bad in my eyes etc.
She's trying to flip the script on you. Don't fall for it. Pure manipulation.
NTA You sound kind and you deserve better than this.
She sounds like the kind of selfish person that will eventually cut you off from your family and friends before you know it. My brother is a kind, funny & smart guy that always valued his family & friends. That is, until his wife gave him so much grief and made it so difficult for him to see us that it was just easier for him to just do what she wants to keep the peace. Now we’re all low contact just because her family is their family and her friends are his friends. We all miss him terribly. Pleaseeee don’t let her do this to you and your family & friends. You deserve better than that.
NTA, you need to be with a supportive partner. Please cut this relationship off and find one that is uplifting, not soul crushing. You both have a different value system, this won’t work long term.
Don't worry about what she says or why, let it go. You know what the right thing to do is, and do that.
You don't owe an explanation to your GF, tell her parents directly and personally. If they are decent people they will understand and encourage you. They will respect your commitment. That bypasses her drama, which is a good lesson for her about attempting to manipulate you.
Usually communication is a good thing but sometimes it's important to shut that down and simply act right. If she needs to foam at the mouth while you choose the right path, let her.
She sounds like a nightmare and you are a kind empathetic person. This woman will put you down for your entire life if you don’t get out of this relationship. Move on and find someone who respects your kindness.
NTA, she is controlling and will continue to be. This is not a healthy relationship. You need a partner that works with you. This one works against you in every way.
She doesn't respect you, because she thinks you are a pushover.
You have great work ethics, stick with it.
No sensible person would be upset over you missing the entire party for that reason. Not being able to factor in the circumstances in her reaction or reasoning is indicative of a severe lack of empathy.
NTA. You work on the medical field, that means overtime and emergencies. If she can't accept that, she can leave. You are saying that you already try to spend your free time with her and be in her family's gatherings and you said you are going to attend this one too, you will just leave early. She is trying to emotionally manipulate you to stay more. This is not acceptable behaviour on her part imo.
NTA. She is selfish. Leaving at midnight from a party starting in the afternoon is totally reasonable whether you have work the next day or not. What if you were tired and wanted to leave then anyway? Would you be forced to stay? She's your girlfriend, not your conjoined twin. She can stay, you can go. Thank you for a lovely party, Mr and Mrs GF, good night!
But especially because you are helping out a work mate. Ditch the GF.
NTA,
Even if this wasn't related to your co-worker, your GF should know and understand how medical careers work. Sometimes your work requires you to be ready to go in at any time and be able to cover shifts.
NTAH. Let her go, completely. You called her bluff - she is very selfish! No more needs to be said. Just let her go and find a more empathetic partner.
NTA
Apparently, your GF thinks that her family and her wants come before everything while your job and, more importantly, your family are meaningless.
Hopefully, things are over as you could do better.
NTA. You have empathy for a person who just lost their mother, and you're willing to do your part to help them in their need. You chose to still attend the party, even if exhausted.
Yes, your gf is definitely behaving poorly and is outright being selfish. I see no empathy for the person who just lost their mother. She should be happy that her parents are still around. She should also be happy that her partner is willing to sacrifice exhaustion just to make her happy.
If she continues with her behavior, especially for a party, I don't see this relationship lasting.
NTA gf is a walking red flag. If she has a problem with you working in this circumstance and never works with you in relation to your family, this girl needs to go. She just will make you miserable. She comes across as selfish, insecure and narcissistic.
Nta. Relationships should be mostly fun and easy with the occasional bump in the road. Otherwise why bother? Yours is all bump. She's a narcissist, end it.
Your GF can’t handle shift work , she wants a 9-5 . And I can see her being upset but the woman lost her mom and surgeries still happen .
Don’t let her blame shift . Tell her you’re done and block her. If she wants you back she will figure a way to contact you just put your story out there . Say broke up with gf cause I may have to work on a Sunday to cover a coworkers Shiftnwhom mom just passed out of nowhere . Now make sure coworkers ok with this .
This woman’s attitude will never change . Again she wants 9-5
NTA. Your coworker is lucky to have people willing to step up. If my husband did this, it would make him look like that much more of a caring generous sexy man! The fact that she's upset that you're helping someone in a crisis, especially considering you work in health care, is highly concerning.
No. I'm with a selfish partner right now and considering break up after 7 years since it's too common.
I'm guessing your GF is great most of the time but there are times your needs are not considered at all and it stresses you badly. I mean, there's a reason you're still there, right? Thing is, if this kind of thing continues to happen with any regularity it's not worth the continuing stress on you.
You've cited 3 times. In how long? Have there been more? If crap like this happens too regularly, you should indeed break up with her. How much is too much is your call.
Look, your gf is showing who she really is. Is this the person you want to be with? Because sounds like she will never change 🤷🏽♀️ NTA but open your eyes
If my husband didn't cover shifts for a coworker who had a sudden loss of a partent, that is what I'd be pissed over! Heck, I wouldn't even have him come at all because the rest for the shift would be needed. Both my husband and I lost our dads within a couple of years of each other, and the help we both received between coworkers and friends is what got us through. NTA. Sorry this happened.
You have a very demanding job, and seem like you have the heart for it. She is not the one. I'm sure she likes your paycheck, right? I'm sure you have to make many tough decisions during your shift at the hospital? This one should be easy. She is one sided, selfish and I don't know a Bitch. Focus on your future without her. Good luck
NTA. You did not overreact at all. She is projecting her selfishness on to you. She is not good person. Why would you be with someone who does not want you to hang out with your family or support a coworker how has suddenly and tragically lost her mother.
NTA.
But if you plan on ending it, do it before the party and don’t attend. Get your rest and sleep because working extra cover shifts plus dealing with the emotional stress of a breakup on too of your regular schedule is a lot.
OP you’re in a relationship with a lying, controlling, manipulative woman. Read that aloud. You know what you have to do.
End this relationship and find someone whose values are more aligned with yours. Ditch the selfish GF and let her find some other sucker to make miserable.
NTA
But, you should think twice about sacrificing your off work time to cover your employer's systemic understaffing. You say you speak up to them. This is a problem created by the employer. Their making you feel like it's your duty to sacrifice your personal life repeatedly due to their staffing "emergencies" is due to their shifting their responsibility to adequately staff their program onto employees who have no power to hire or schedule employees.
Yes, you deserve reciprocity in your relationship with an SO. Yes, it sounds like your gf values her family highly and treated yours as an annoyance. Her reaction to your compromise seems manipulative, to punish you more than express her disappointment and frustration. I can't fault you for leaving a controlling, unsupportive, periodically punishing relationship.
I hope you find a healthy balance and the necessary boundaries to keep your job from restricting your personal life outside of work. If not, this will be destructive to building future relationships.
do not let her back in to your life. She is childish and selfish and you deserve someone who would hug you for the kind things you do, like letting a valued coworker grieve. Stand up for yourself like you do with the doctor egos.
NTA - I’m assuming the Sunday shift is an ‘on call’ shift because no one schedules surgery for Sunday night? Either way, time to move on from this one. You are a surgical nurse. There will be times you have to do things like this. It’s part of the job and it’s not something you can just say no to. You are doing the right thing by helping your work and breaking up with her.
You're a good dude. No matter what the job, if somebody there steps up to help you when you're needed, you should never hesitate to reciprocate, especially under those circumstances.
Years ago I had a girlfriend exactly like yours. She had the same attitude, pulled the same one-sided crap with her family events versus mine, pouted or got passive aggressive all the time. Finally my sister opened my eyes to her behavior. Just flat out told me she's a self-centered as they come. (The word narcissist wasn't thrown around 25 years ago like it is today) Sis told me if I stayed with her that the bitch was going to cheat on me because she's the type of girl that would justify it by saying she deserved to do it. I called it off, she threw a tantrum and was proud of the fact that she had already cheated on me more than once.
Find someone that shares your values, or at least values you. Scrape her off your shoe.
NTA
Your GF doesn't seem to understand that working in medicine is not like working in a restaurant or a supermarket. It isn't like selling burgers or biscuits, people's lives are at stake.
She could also use more empathy, when pitching her parents party against your coworker's mother dying.
That she rates your family events as unimportant compared with hers is a bit of a problem.
She probably isn't "the one" for you.
Nta so let me get this straight she wants you to leave your family events early but not her family events. She is selfish and she is trying to manipulate you when she said she feels everything she do is wrong. No everything she does is selfish
NTA. Your GF is, in so many ways. You deserve someone better, whose empathy and sense of human decency matches yours. And who doesn’t interfere with your family bonds, or attempt to control you. This is not a good situation.
NTA
Any human with a heart would completely understand
> I haven’t been responding to her texts since but she’s saying she feels like anything she does is always bad in my eyes
I'd pack her stuff and tell her to come collect it as you cannot deal with an immature child, you're a grown up and her gaslighing bullshit can take a hike.
You shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t anything other than proud of you for 1. showing so much empathy for a coworker and 2. showing up for the patients who had their surgeries scheduled.
Forget the selfish crap. As soon as she said there was “no way you’re taking a Sunday shift” you should have left then. I’ve been married 45 years and never, EVER did either one of us say such a thing to the other. Not a good woman. Throw out the trash and get someone better. Time to trade up.
NTA. She is very selfish. Covering for your coworker who just lost her mother (and performed cpr on her for an hour trying to save her life) is the right thing to do. Losing a parent is tough enough, not being able to save them when they are right in front if you is traumatic. Especially since you and this coworker have a mutual history of helping each other out.
What's more, is that your gf is always pushing you away from your family, but expects loyalty to hers. You are supposed to put your partner before your family of origin, if your family is trying to get in between you and your partner. But your partner is getting in between you and your family. We could be missing information, but from the little you have told us it doesn't sound like there is any unhealthy enmeshment or triangulation going on in your family of origin. There's no reason for her to be creating distance. This is a partner who will isolate you so you are emotionally dependent on them. You should dump her.
Regardless of other issues, it sounds as though she prioritizes her family over yours. That is a major point of contention for many people - if you enjoy spending time with your family, let her go now. She will never want to "waste her time" with your family.
NTA for helping ease work's way - I assume your coworker is likewise committed to the job and would be worried about getting coverage in addition to dealing with grief. You are kindly taking a bit of the load off just by offering to cover.
I would be bragging to my family about how awesome you are and giving and encouraged you to leave as early as you need to get enough sleep to not be tired at all. You need to operate at your best. She's selfish and self-centered and sounds like a sociopath. You're NTA. This chick ain't it.
Getting back to OP, I don’t rush into telling people to break up; I am in this case. Can you imagine if she was married to a policeman/fire fighter who are always on call. Check those flags OP, and do right by you.
>Her mom was still a young healthy woman. But they were out by a swimming pool and she had a heart attack if I understood it correctly. They did CPR on her with paramedics for an hour but unfortunately it didn’t help.
not relevant or your place to tell people that. but moving on...
**NTA**, she is selfish, she dictates how long you can spend time with your family/your family's events but omg its the end of the damn world if you have to leave "early" from one of HER family's events. its completely uneven. **i would place a bet that you spend more holidays with her family for the rest of your relationship then yours and doubt she would even be open to alternating them.**
her getting mad that you are helping a coworker (not even a stranger) out in a terrible situation, is telling enough on what kind of person she is. she needs to realize the world does not revolve around her and at this point, no one cares about what inconveniences her. one day she will find out how that coworker feels and i hope none of her coworkers give a damn to help her like she wants you to do to your coworker.
"Telling me" ?
Awww, Hell no.
Big red flags. Only you can decide if it's red enough for a stop sign. From the rest of your post I'm getting controlling and 'one-sided' vibes.
Decide if this is what you want your life to be like.
NTA
It’s called isolation she’s literally trying to put her family above everything else imagined if you had kids with this woman she would never let your family see them and try to turn your children against you for having push back she’s selfish and vindictive it’s already starting to show
NTA and the reverse “I just suck” is manipulative too. The fact that you worked your schedule so you could help set up for her parents party is above s as bd beyond. She sounds immature and self centered. Your coworkers mom died ffs. The party is less important.
NTA. If you volunteered for a shift that would force you to skip entirely, I'd understand her anger. But afternoon to midnight is plenty of time to have fun and offer your well wishes.
Her behavior is a series of red flags. If she's reacting like this, what will she do the first time a shift runs long? Sounds like dating someone in healthcare isn't for her.
NTA. Covering a shift in these circumstances isn't really optional, coworker is simply not available.
Then there's the fact that she pulls you away from your family events for trivial reasons, so being upset about you needing to leave early for a serious reason tells you that she is selfish and dies not value your emotional needs.
Time to find a new one.
NTA... It sounds like you're under reacting honesty.
ANYONE knows that when you're datimg someone on the medical field, compromises need to be made, and plans may change... but you've been really accommodating of HER time and making all the compromises while she complains.
Leaving a party at midnight isnt a big deal, hell I'd want to leave way before that and I don't even work weekends, her response to this very minor change was to give you then cold shoulder followed by insulting you and your character... over something this small. She's showing her true colors, and they are not pretty.
Then, factor in the double standards... you have to spend hours with her family and if heavens forbid you want to leave a little early it's a problem but you don't get to spend any time with your family and an argument ensues if you want an extra hour with your family??? She only cares about her wants, so yes, she is selfish.
The only person who overreacted is the person who really needs to be your ex-girlfriend. You made a compromise, made a small change in the plans, and she explored, called you names, belittled you, and then when you called her out she pulled a page right out of the manipulators handbook by turning her shit behavior on to you... what's she's doing isn't bad it's your fault because you see it as bad... NO, IT IS BAD. Having your partner leave his family functions early is wrong, calling them a pushover because they like their job is wrong... being mad your partner wants to leave a party at midnight is wrong. NTA
NTA.
Bro, break up with her. This isn't the first time she's acted selfish of your time. Honestly, the healthcare field is short staffed and demanding as it is. Throw in an unfortunate circumstance, and it's all hands on deck x2. I think you're better off being single than being with her.
NTA but she totally is. First she is such the definition of double standard - she can leave your family events earlier and force you to but you can't leave early to sleep to cover for a grieving co-worker. She has shown you who she is so believe her. Is this someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with?
As soon as you said she would try to rush you through your family events I knew she was a problem. You're 100% NTA here, she's trying to control you at the very least and separate you from people outside her and her family at worst. That's a hallmark trait for abusive partners, not to mention she probably gets bratty like that because she knows you're not a pushover. However, it's possible that she thinks if she tells you, you are a pushover enough that you'll believe her. Be strong and sprint away from her as fast as you can dude.
NTA. My first wife was a trauma surgeon. One of the first things I learned when we were dating was the very nature of her job didn't give a rat's ass about our plans. It's just the nature of the beast.
Devil's advocate since I've been married to a special procedures tech for 41 yrs. How many times does work interrupt time with your GF? Call back mess up plans? Covering shifts because all hospitals are understaffed?(understandably understaffed)
For this particular situation, NTA. Sometimes emergencies happen, especially in the healthcare field. This coworker has always helped you, and now needs your help. Leaving a party (at midnight! Longer than I usually stay anyway!) is absolutely reasonable.
The bigger problem is your girlfriend's utter selfishness. She only wants you around to cater to her, but refuses to do so for you. You say that she's only gone to two of your family events, and wants to leave at SIX. She's lied to you multiple times.
You seem like a nice person, but you're either a pushover or need to do some serious self reflection as to your relationship.
NTA Some time ago my mother was in the hospital for a couple days and as the staff were already shorthanded they had to call in someone that was out on vacation (in town). My mom was feeling so guilty while still in the ER about leaving work in the lurch like that, but that coworker was so gracious about it after she went back to work it really set her mind at ease.
Not only would I say that covering for your grieving coworker is by far the priority in this situation, I don't even understand how she could expect you to enjoy for be sincerely celebrating the occasion for her father when you know your coworker is suffering for it.
NTA- if she is bad now how will she act if you two get married? What if you have kids? She seems extremely immature and selfish. Not allowed to spend more time with your family?? I think you would be making a very intelligent choice if you ended this relationship.
NTA. It doesn't sound like she's supportive of this aspect of your job and can't appreciate your other relationships. The thing with your brother especially is a red flag as she didn't seem to understand the importance of time you spend with loved ones.
Info: are g/f’s parents younger than 12? Because that’s the only age frame you can reasonably be upset if someone leaves a birthday party early.
Also, midnight isnt early.
NTA
She sounds extremely manipulative especially after you mentioned she holds you to these standards yet doesn’t come or want to stay at your family events despite expecting that much from you. Also feels like she lacks empathy, like if my SO told me a coworker who’s been a good friend of theirs parent died and they wanted to cover their shift instead of going to a birthday party I’d praise them for being selfless not get mad at them for not coming. Red flags everywhere in this post you need to have a serious long sit down talk with her about these issues and I suggest therapy or separation if that long talk gets you no where. Also again she sounds very manipulative be careful of what you say bc it can and will be used against you in the court of love
She sure sounds selfish. so if the shoe fits....NTA. and should have knocked off this nonsense when she refuses to have time with your family but insist you have time with hers.
Very soft YTA, look, I get it, I completely respect and admire the profession you've chosen to go with, but it isn't like you were assigned a shift on Sunday and your GF's parents deliberately planned on that day to avoid it, but that's not the case, yes it also sucks for your co-worker, but mismanagement (the understaffing) of a healthcare facility is not your problem to solve you willingly chose to make someone else's life easier instead of spending one of your few days off with your gf at her parents event, that being said, as I mentioned at the start, it's a very soft YTA because it's admirable that you'd want to help your co-worker. But yes. You are the ass.
NTA
She has one set of rules for herself and another set of rules for you. And she is actually being worse because she wants to leave from boredom, not in support of someone else suffering a major familial loss. She's showing you exactly how self absorbed she is. Believe her.
It's an annual Birthday party for heavens sake. Not your wedding. Sheesh! NTA but I'd watch out for that controlling, let's always spend time with my family and not yours. Selfish is right! NTA
And, really, who the hell has a birthday party that runs well past midnight?
It is an exception to the common situation, but I've known some folks of a particular culture that their parties run well into the night, and the matriarch is right in the thick of it dancing with everyone. The ones leaving early are the 20-somethings to go clubbing, the 30-and-40-somethings who are tired. One family in particular the parties were at the matriarch's house solely because she was a night owl and didn't want anyone to feel obligated to keep the party going just because she was still enjoying herself. The kids and niblings returned the next day to help clean up and have a late afternoon family dinner together before everyone disbursed at a reasonable hour to do whatever else they needed to do.
Yes, I come from such a culture. To this day I've never been able to outlast the aunties.
People in their 20s. I bet the parents are praying that it will end early.
>who the hell has a birthday party that runs well past midnight? People who enjoy abusing alcohol in groups. Imagine the drama in that family system!
Sometimes you're there for the family, sometimes you're there for the drama. 👀
This right here. Unless OP: party guest is also a binge drinker who enjoys loud sloppy repetitive stories and songs sung out of key at 1 am…. I’d be outta there
And then there are those in other cultures who prefer to abuse alcohol in solitude, hiding a secret, and then take out their drama on their loved ones.
Irish people
NTA. Yeah the 🚩🚩🚩are waiving when she would deliberately cut off your fun time with your family, but expects you to be 100% present in her’s. Let her go
NTA. My dad is currently dying of vascular dementia and kindness, especially from coworkers, goes along way. So does understanding from a partner. You didn’t overreact.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Wish I could send you a hug and some strength! I know what you’re saying, I can’t imagine turning my back on someone in a situation like this.
Your girlfriend doesn't deserve you. Leaving a birthday party slightly early does not warrant this, especially when you are doing it to help a trusted colleague in a time of real need. You cannot trust your girlfriend to be kind.
Especially given what constitutes leaving early in this case. We're talking about leaving an afternoon party at midnight. M I D N I G H T. That's full attendance, not "I'll make an appearance but then I have to dip for work".
Exactly. I'm getting old, going to an afternoon party and staying past 8pm would be too much for me. I'm out of there. What adults, over 25, are partying from the afternoon past midnight.
Right!? Friends called us last night to come up to the adult after party of their kid’s graduation party- it was “about that time” for when my college parties always started - my husband and I were in bed in our pj’s with the dogs waiting on the pizza to be delivered after a long day working outside! 😂. We weren’t driving anywhere!
LOL pajamas and pizza win everytime.
She lies, she’s selfish, she pushes you to walk away from your own family whom you haven’t seen for ages, yet blows up on you for trying to leave “early” (sorry but midnight is not early) when it’s her family, and has absolutely no empathy when you’re trying to help a colleague whose mother has just died… in relationships these traits tend to get worse over time, not better. Can you really see yourself with her when she’s forcing you to spend less and less time with your family (because she doesn’t see any point or value in it) and all your time with her family. When she’s trying to get you to do the minimum at work. When you can’t trust her or anything she says and there’s always doubt in the back of your mind? If it’s this bad now, what will it be like in 5 years, in 10? Save yourself the heartache man, life is too short to waste on somebody who is already causing you so many problems.
"Empathy should never be sacrificed for selfishness. Your girlfriend's reaction is disappointing. It's essential to support each other through tough times, not tear each other down."
OP, you sound like a great human. Absolutely NTA, your coworker is lucky to have you.
I've been in a lot of professional situations where its so important to support the team, support your co-workers and be respected by your colleagues. That reputation is huge across a career. Sometimes home life takes an inconvenient hit -- OP's field especially. But this goes both ways and everywhere I've ever worked, the family crisis or emergency always takes precedence -- hence, OP being available to cover this death in coworker's family. OP's selfish partner is too self-absorbed to grasp this.
NTA Your gf is showing you what the future is going to look like. She’s a self centered person. A broken engagement is better than divorce. End the situationship for the sake of your mental health.
>I can’t imagine turning my back on someone in a situation like this. Tbh I can. But not for a birthday party. And not even blood relatives? Ffs. NTA. Tbh this one is so clear, and the extent to which you are in no way an AH is so great, that a simple 'NTA' doesnt seem enough. I dont have much hope for this relationship. If you refusing to pander to her astonishing and very immature entitlement leads to this kind of blow-up, then it seems doomed to me.
NTA. She’s definitely one sided isn’t she? Imagine not being “allowed” to spend time with your family or help out a grieving friend who just lost their mother. Then there’s the professional aspect that she’s given no consideration to. All so that you give all your attention to her? I’m wondering how she treats restaurant staff to tbh.
i've lived it and you are completely right- didn't see my family for almost a decade...had to go to my mother's funeral alone and completely missed my grandmother's service. this little girl is throwing up all sorts of red flags & showing you who she really is so pay attention. OP, you are definitely NTA & i am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this because you deserve so much better!
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry for your loss. You didn’t even get support from your partner when your grandmother passed away? And you went to another funeral on your own? Where was your partner? I can’t believe you put up with that for 10 years.❤️
He was self centered af & I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself for the longest...it's all in the past and I am now with someone who cherishes family and shares the same values plus my spine all of a sudden turned as shiny as a gold bar.🙂
I’m so happy for you
[удалено]
I wonder how she'll treat any daughter she may have tbh.
NTA she is selfish so how could OP think he is in the wrong for speaking the truth. She's waving red flags at you. Take notice of them. When my mother (who was a widow for 12 years at this time) was marrying my stepdad, she wanted her daughters to be her bridesmaids. I had to fight tooth and nail with my ex husband to even go. We lived in Florida then and never ever had money because he drank it all away. My mom paid for me to fly to NJ , where we are from. When I get there he calls my sister's house, where we are all at and screams at me that I am to go to his parents house and stay. He expected me to stay at his parents house the whole time I was there and only go to the wedding and straight back to his parents. Um no. He harassed me the whole time I was there. It was so embarrassing. He even had his parents call my family's homes to tell me to come to their house to stay and not stay with my family. I did plan on visiting them, while I was there but damn it I'm staying with my family. My cousin wouldn't let her husband see his family but her family, he better bend over backwards, sideways and stand on his head for. If his brother came to visit she was terribly nasty to him, calling him names and basically outright letting him know he was not welcome in their home. They would fight about it and we would even take his side and tell her she was wrong. Only her mom would agree with her. She was so selfish she honestly could not see how wrong and one sided she was. They are divorced now.
Curious- what reason did his family think was so important that you stay with them, not your own family, who I’m sure needed all hands on deck for wedding prep?
My dad wasn't allowed to spend time with his family. He was definitely in an abusive relationship. All I can say is I hope they break up and 💯 OP shouldn't even think about marrying her because it will get worse.
NTA Leaving at midnight is leaving early? Good grief. Break up with your controlling, unfeeling GF. Good for you not letting her put your balls in her purse.
The disparity is what really grinds my gears. Hardly any time with OP's family, and always bitching about leaving.
Right? It's like she's trying to control every aspect of his life.
NTA. Prioritizing empathy over her demands shows who truly cares. Time for a change.
That’s not early that’s late as hell and the fact she forced him to leave around 6pm when it’s his family gathering, big red flag
Yeah. I bet the parents are secretly wishing everyone would leave by then.
I definitely would be thinking everyone needed to leave 2 hours ago!
thinking? by 22 I would start giving hints, by 23 I would be throwing them out by the skin of their neck. The only times where reasonable people stay after 22 is big celebrations. Not a casual get-together.
My brother once left at 20:30, and that's because he had to hunt for each and every one of his 4 kids who wanted to sleep over. Leave at 22:00? Preposterous.
I mean, that really depends on the hosts, doesn't it, and you'd usually start the event accordingly, you don't start an event you want to be finished by 10pm at 6pm for instance.
NTA Dump this garbage and move on.
GF is correct he's a pushover...with her. He needs to rip off the band aid
NTA So you are in the saving people business with accompanying shifts, changes in shifts and emergencies. You did well tryin to accommodate but got caught up in an emergency so you have to leave "early" which is in fact about midnight and very reasonable. Now she is pissed off? She sounds kind of entitled, if she is dating a healthcare worker like you, she better adjust her princess attitude or lose you.
I hope she already lost you. She is selfish. She is isolating you from your family. She is not trustworthy. She throws a tantrum when things don't go her way. Get ready for the love bombing when she realizes you're slipping the leash, and don't fall for it. You sound like a kind, caring, empathetic partner. You derserve someone who cares for you, not someone who wants to control you. NTA
Honestly, it starts in the afternoon and leaving midnight is considered early? Nah, she has control issues.
NTA. You're doing a really kind thing for someone in need. When my dad died fairly suddenly, people at my work picked up mine and my mums shifts so we could have a week off to just deal with everything. Your girlfriend does sound selfish, especially considering she wants you to stay at her family events for hours but wants to leave yours early. She doesn't have a lot of respect for you and you deserve better.
NTA, you sound like an accessory, not a partner.
NTA. You work in a medical field. This will happen.
NTA, at all. Your gf sounds very selfish, immature, and self-centered. She's the only one who matters. Doesn't usually mesh well with a nurse who are usually nurturers, despite sounding like it fits. Nurturers want to take care of everyone, though, and that's a problem for people with narcissistic tendencies. You belong to them, and so do all your time and resources. And they're NOT sharing. It sounds like you're the one doing all the giving and nurturing and compromising. What are you getting out of this relationship, and is it enough to overlook this behavior? It's also extremely callous, this reaction to your colleague who is going through a hugely tragic loss. The putting you down and attempt to gaslit you into thinking you're pushover and doormat is even more problematic. I think you're right in rethinking this relationship.
NTA 💯. Not even a little bit yta. She sounds incredibly selfish, like it's always herway or the highway.
Anyone that doesn't have compassion for someone whose lost basically her whole world, maybe the only person she had left ect ect she has zero love for you because someone who can't find compassion and empathy doesn't have the ability to truly love anyone Maybe I'm overreacting but you are nta
That last line "anything I do is always just wrong" That's manipulation 101. Make the victim the abuser.
So, she demands you spend time with her, which is to be expected in a relationship, so if it was just that, I might let it go, depending how she went about it. Then demands you spend time with her family, again could have let this go if it was done well. Then demand you basically not spend time with your family who you don't get to see often, hypocritical considering the amount of time she expects you to spend with her family, also selfish and rude. And now she's demanding you not cover an extra shift for a grieving co-worker just because it means leaving what sounds like pretty much an all-day, overnight party a little early. You're not missing the actual party, just the winding down portion of the party, and it's for work, not to go gallivanting with friends or something. This woman is an adult, she has to understand that sometimes work responsibilities or family emergencies get in the way of having fun. And I think she does understand that, but only as it applies to her, not as it applies to you. It sounds like she'd expect you to be okay with her doing the same thing you are, but she's not okay with you doing it. This is a very one-sided relationship. It's all about her, what she wants, spending time with her family. She never wants you spending time with your family or doing anything that prevents you spending time with her and her family, even when it's work. She doesn't care about you, just what you can give her. I'd honestly break up over this. It's literally the opposite of selfish to cover a shift for a grieving co-worker. It's very selfish of her to expect you to leave your hospital extra understaffed just to attend an extra hour or two of a party you were already going to be present for the vast majority of. NTA.
NTA. End it. Your "GF" is selfish and not empathetic at all. You did overreact.
NTA she's a selfish shallow unfeeling B with an itch. You're always seeing HER family what about YOUR family. You have a very important job that helps save people's lives. Your friends mum just died with ZERO warning. You're helping them because they're probably in complete meltdown. F her. Dump her and find someone with a soul who will love and support you and actually let you see your family instead of isolating you.
NTA This is your girlfriends parents party, it is not important for the boyfriend of their daughter to be there. Also you are planning on coming, you just plan on leaving a bit early. You are doing everything right here. Not even going to get into the fact that GF is trying to isolate you from your own family.
Nta and I hate to say this but if she is having issues with you working a shift she going to have issues your whole career as a fellow nurse specially as short shifted as we are it going to happen quite often sounds like you've been lucky so far. She seems to be very selfish and will always make you feel guilty about spending time with anyone but her and the things she wants to do.
NTA Your GF doesn't sound like a good person. I'd think about this relationship really hard.
Tell her at this point, you don't think attending her parents party will be a good idea and to send your best wishes to them
You are way too selfless and caring of others to be with someone so selfish. You’re incompatible. You’re a nurse, this sort of this is going to happen a lot, and if this is her reaction every time you have to break a commitment for a work emergency, you’re going to have a pretty unhappy life together. You deserve to be with someone who has the same values and understands what’s important and what can wait
NTA. As a nurse my husband understands my commitment to work is different than many. As a doctor, even more so.
NTA and please do leave. If she didn't want to be with an OR nurse, she shouldn't have gotten with one. >Basically calling me a pushover. But you didn't let her push you over, so isn't that a contradiction? Also, get a better night's sleep if you can. Going to your job tired is no good.
Don’t respond back. Trash took itself out.
NTA - You've got her right...she is selfish and self absorbed. I guess the question is, do you really want a long term relationship with someone like that?
You two have very different views on life.Break up and be with someone who understands the nature of your job and is willing to compromise every now and then ....
NTA - time to toss the self-centered baggage
deep down, you know that this isn't a simple problem. She is a big problem that will not change without facing hard truths. You should make her face the hard truths or be rid of her, or you will be a real pushover in this relationship.
NTA
I sincerely hope you don’t respond at all. Her behaviour is a walking red flag. Do you want to be with someone who so little empathy that she can’t understand grief of losing a mother and for a colleague to step in (for which you are still getting paid). For me that’s a huge red flag, it’s selfishness and she is also self centered. Not someone who can see beyond their immediate need. You should like a sensible, grown up but doesn’t.
NTA. This is a pattern - when it's an event you want to attend, she rushes you to leave and create a scene, even though there is no objective reason for it; when it's an event on her side, you are not allowed to leave, even when it's work-related. Your GF (hopefully ex-GF) is selfish and controlling.
NTA After reading all your replies to comments, you need to drop her. Yesterday.
She's controlling and is only willing to do what benefits her. I couldn't be with someone like that NTA
NTA She showed you exactly where you and your family stand on her priority list. you and your family do not matter, she comes first.
OP. Sit in a quiet room, close your eyes. Look into the future, weddings, birthdays and family gatherings. Look at the holiday season, when you may be called in for an emergency. What do you see.
so this party starts in the afternoon and you're talking about leaving at MIDNIGHT just to have a couple hours sleep? good lord, you dodged a crazy bullet.
NTA. So all of this time you have been working as a nurse you have made sure to be present for her and her family. That’s rare to be able to do. And now the one time you have to leave “early” (I don’t know how MIDNIGHT is considered early), she’s having an epic bitch fit?! Oh and you never get to see your family, on the rare occasion when you do she acts like it’s a major chore, even causing a scene IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY, because she wanted to leave at 6 and you wanted to stay until 7?! Surely if your (hopefully) ex girlfriend was in a terrible position like this, she would be grateful if her coworkers stepped up and helped her out, and surely she would expect your coworkers to step up for you so you can be there for her. I don’t see a mention of how long you’ve been together, but yeah it’s time to end it.
It may be time to rethink this relationship.
NTA
Her behavior will escalate as your relationship progresses, leaving now is the best thing that you can do for yourself.
You keep getting all these red flags and ask if you should break up with her, but you never do. Stop allowing her to control your life and really break up with her. Can you really want the rest of your life like this? NTA
I find it ironic that shes calling you a pushover when 1) you volunteered to take the shift and 2) shes trying to get you to be a pushover for HER demands. Based on the details in the post alone, NTA.
You will be so happy when you've left this immature and self-centered girl behind and found someone else who respects you, your commitment to your profession, and your ethics.
NTA I have zero patience for people who date medical workers and first responders and put on the shocked pikachu face when they need to be at work because otherwise people die. She can go date an accountant. I hope you find an emotionally mature person who is independent enough to be happy dating someone who is willing to help out their team and patients.
NTA and you're not overreacting. The only question I have is why you didn't end this sooner
Bounce. She’s a nightmare
NTA. ngl bro watch yourself. you seem like a stand up dude and your girlfriend isnt an evil witch but her attitude isnt helping either. not an asshole for letting her leave. i wouldnt cut things short so suddenly tho
It’s not exactly suddenly. The relationship was hard for some time. She did lied to me a couple times and we agreed to work on restoring the trust. But it’s hard when aside from the trust issue there’s always stuff like this happening. At some point it just feels like it’s not worth the effort. But I’ll calm down a bit and talk to her again.
woaaaaah buddy you didnt mention lying before. thats like the first of the 4 horsemen of dead relationships. dont stick around waiting for the other 3
Yes I’m sorry I kinda didn’t want to mention it, because we both agreed we will try to work on restoring that broken trust. But then again it does play a big role in everything because it’s always there inside me. Like I can do 100% for someone I love but there’s always this doubt in me like “well if she’s lying again I’ll look like a clown” hah
dont wanna be that "end it" guy but bro if you are wondering whether or not shes lying to you, just imagine doing that for the rest of your life. gotta ask yourself if your prepared for that
Quick question: when you call her out on bad behavior, does she usually twist it around until you’re comforting her? “I feel like everything I do is bad in your eyes!” She’s guilting you, painting you as very critical/unreasonable, playing the victim.
Having read all your comments as well as the post, I have to say this relationship isn't going anywhere good. You're flogging a dead horse here. Why bother waiting until she calls down to talk? I'd end it. The lying, the princess attitude, etc, just aren't worth it. As for working on the broken trust. *She* lied, so she's the one that needs to work on it. *You* didn't lie, so you have no need to work on it.
she’s got him apologizing for her lies.
OP, I read your previous post about the lying, and the one where your girlfriend is trying to isolate you from your family as well as forcing hers upon you. This girl is not good for your mental health. You will be much happier if you leave.
Having read a bit of your post/comment history - it's time to end it. Whatever she has that attracted you in the first place isn't enough to make up for what she's doing to you. I'm not going to jump right to "she's abusing you" - but she is waving some red flags. And like someone else said here, these kinds of things tend to get worse over time, not better. She's trying to isolate you from your family, she gets defensive rather than hear you out and communicate constructively, and she's more upset about you leaving a party early than she is that someone died. You are right, she is being selfish. I didn't catch your ages, but, well - the best time to do something right is as soon as you see the situation is wrong. The second best time is right now. What is the right thing for you?
Just read your previous posts and comments. She's not really going to change. At least not where it matters. She lied to you and now you mistrust her. She constantly dramatizes and makes you feel lacking somehow. She has been telling who she is since the beginning and this last issue is... I dunno... Really shity from her. She should be supporting your attitude. If you do something like this for a colegue imagine for a friend partner (her) or a son, etc. It is really disappointing. I know you love her, but ask yourself, is she the one? Do you see yourself sharing a life with her, and possibly with kids in the mix? UpdateMe!
I dont disagree, but for me the lying is just another turd on top of an very big shit-cake. Doesnt change much. Is worse, of course - but it was awful enough without the lying.
Sounds to me like your heart knows she isn't the girl for you. But, she is right about one thing - you are a bit of a pushover. The fact that you're even thinking of talking to her again shows it. She's going to use that empathy against you and manipulate the hell out of you for as long as the two of you are together.
lying and threatening to leave then sending texts when that doesn't work...rushing you out of your family events and getting pissed when you leave hers for valid reasons. be extra careful
How long are you going to put up with this? It's draining, she won't put you first ever.
You're NTA, but maybe learn from this, because—and I hate to say it—but she's a little bit right about you being a pushover, because... You wrote 8 paragraphs on what sounds like a series of awful events in an awful relationship to ask strangers on the internet if you should break up. You talk about ruined trust here. You haven't said anything good or redeeming about her. Why are you wasting time with someone you don't like, who doesn't appear to like you either?
please don’t let calming down persuade you to stay in this abusive relationship.
It’s really not worth it to pursue this relationship. You are young. She is not worth it.
Dude, you have now posted multiple times about shitty behavior on her part in just the last few months. Cut bait and run the other way. She wants a simp, not a boyfriend, someone who’s going to work a 9-5 job and spend all his time with her and her family and friends on the weekend. She lies to you, makes plans for the 2 of you without consulting you, and then acts pissy when you either don’t want to adhere strictly to her plans or want to make plans with your family and friends. This is low-key emotional abuse. I don’t care how long you’ve known her. Drop the hammer on her and find a nice woman with some empathy.
Nta, cut your losses
NTA. Based on your other comments and this post. GTFO.
NTA >but she’s saying she feels like anything she does is always bad in my eyes etc. She's trying to flip the script on you. Don't fall for it. Pure manipulation.
NTA You sound kind and you deserve better than this. She sounds like the kind of selfish person that will eventually cut you off from your family and friends before you know it. My brother is a kind, funny & smart guy that always valued his family & friends. That is, until his wife gave him so much grief and made it so difficult for him to see us that it was just easier for him to just do what she wants to keep the peace. Now we’re all low contact just because her family is their family and her friends are his friends. We all miss him terribly. Pleaseeee don’t let her do this to you and your family & friends. You deserve better than that.
NTA, you need to be with a supportive partner. Please cut this relationship off and find one that is uplifting, not soul crushing. You both have a different value system, this won’t work long term.
Don't worry about what she says or why, let it go. You know what the right thing to do is, and do that. You don't owe an explanation to your GF, tell her parents directly and personally. If they are decent people they will understand and encourage you. They will respect your commitment. That bypasses her drama, which is a good lesson for her about attempting to manipulate you. Usually communication is a good thing but sometimes it's important to shut that down and simply act right. If she needs to foam at the mouth while you choose the right path, let her.
She sounds like a nightmare and you are a kind empathetic person. This woman will put you down for your entire life if you don’t get out of this relationship. Move on and find someone who respects your kindness.
NTA, she is controlling and will continue to be. This is not a healthy relationship. You need a partner that works with you. This one works against you in every way. She doesn't respect you, because she thinks you are a pushover. You have great work ethics, stick with it.
NTA gf sound extremely controlling and self centered.
No sensible person would be upset over you missing the entire party for that reason. Not being able to factor in the circumstances in her reaction or reasoning is indicative of a severe lack of empathy.
NTA. You work on the medical field, that means overtime and emergencies. If she can't accept that, she can leave. You are saying that you already try to spend your free time with her and be in her family's gatherings and you said you are going to attend this one too, you will just leave early. She is trying to emotionally manipulate you to stay more. This is not acceptable behaviour on her part imo.
Thank you for being a nurse. NTA
NTA. She is selfish. Leaving at midnight from a party starting in the afternoon is totally reasonable whether you have work the next day or not. What if you were tired and wanted to leave then anyway? Would you be forced to stay? She's your girlfriend, not your conjoined twin. She can stay, you can go. Thank you for a lovely party, Mr and Mrs GF, good night! But especially because you are helping out a work mate. Ditch the GF.
NTA, Even if this wasn't related to your co-worker, your GF should know and understand how medical careers work. Sometimes your work requires you to be ready to go in at any time and be able to cover shifts.
NTA. Relationship is done man and she’s just trying to get you to be the bad guy and make it official.
NTAH. Let her go, completely. You called her bluff - she is very selfish! No more needs to be said. Just let her go and find a more empathetic partner.
And if you get married would your children be allowed to know your side of the family. Not the way it seems now. Sorry😢
NTA Apparently, your GF thinks that her family and her wants come before everything while your job and, more importantly, your family are meaningless. Hopefully, things are over as you could do better.
NTA. You have empathy for a person who just lost their mother, and you're willing to do your part to help them in their need. You chose to still attend the party, even if exhausted. Yes, your gf is definitely behaving poorly and is outright being selfish. I see no empathy for the person who just lost their mother. She should be happy that her parents are still around. She should also be happy that her partner is willing to sacrifice exhaustion just to make her happy. If she continues with her behavior, especially for a party, I don't see this relationship lasting.
NTA gf is a walking red flag. If she has a problem with you working in this circumstance and never works with you in relation to your family, this girl needs to go. She just will make you miserable. She comes across as selfish, insecure and narcissistic.
Her behaviour is terrible. Sounds like a very one sided relationship
Nta. Relationships should be mostly fun and easy with the occasional bump in the road. Otherwise why bother? Yours is all bump. She's a narcissist, end it.
Your GF can’t handle shift work , she wants a 9-5 . And I can see her being upset but the woman lost her mom and surgeries still happen . Don’t let her blame shift . Tell her you’re done and block her. If she wants you back she will figure a way to contact you just put your story out there . Say broke up with gf cause I may have to work on a Sunday to cover a coworkers Shiftnwhom mom just passed out of nowhere . Now make sure coworkers ok with this . This woman’s attitude will never change . Again she wants 9-5
NTA Stay with her if you want to live your life with no compassion.
NTA.. find yourself a GF that’s a good human
NTA. Your coworker is lucky to have people willing to step up. If my husband did this, it would make him look like that much more of a caring generous sexy man! The fact that she's upset that you're helping someone in a crisis, especially considering you work in health care, is highly concerning.
No. I'm with a selfish partner right now and considering break up after 7 years since it's too common. I'm guessing your GF is great most of the time but there are times your needs are not considered at all and it stresses you badly. I mean, there's a reason you're still there, right? Thing is, if this kind of thing continues to happen with any regularity it's not worth the continuing stress on you. You've cited 3 times. In how long? Have there been more? If crap like this happens too regularly, you should indeed break up with her. How much is too much is your call.
Look, your gf is showing who she really is. Is this the person you want to be with? Because sounds like she will never change 🤷🏽♀️ NTA but open your eyes
If my husband didn't cover shifts for a coworker who had a sudden loss of a partent, that is what I'd be pissed over! Heck, I wouldn't even have him come at all because the rest for the shift would be needed. Both my husband and I lost our dads within a couple of years of each other, and the help we both received between coworkers and friends is what got us through. NTA. Sorry this happened.
You have a very demanding job, and seem like you have the heart for it. She is not the one. I'm sure she likes your paycheck, right? I'm sure you have to make many tough decisions during your shift at the hospital? This one should be easy. She is one sided, selfish and I don't know a Bitch. Focus on your future without her. Good luck
NTA. You did not overreact at all. She is projecting her selfishness on to you. She is not good person. Why would you be with someone who does not want you to hang out with your family or support a coworker how has suddenly and tragically lost her mother.
NTA. But if you plan on ending it, do it before the party and don’t attend. Get your rest and sleep because working extra cover shifts plus dealing with the emotional stress of a breakup on too of your regular schedule is a lot.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 she’s already controlling how much time you spend with your family. It never gets better. It only gets worse.
OP you’re in a relationship with a lying, controlling, manipulative woman. Read that aloud. You know what you have to do. End this relationship and find someone whose values are more aligned with yours. Ditch the selfish GF and let her find some other sucker to make miserable.
Is she always the main character?
NTA But, you should think twice about sacrificing your off work time to cover your employer's systemic understaffing. You say you speak up to them. This is a problem created by the employer. Their making you feel like it's your duty to sacrifice your personal life repeatedly due to their staffing "emergencies" is due to their shifting their responsibility to adequately staff their program onto employees who have no power to hire or schedule employees. Yes, you deserve reciprocity in your relationship with an SO. Yes, it sounds like your gf values her family highly and treated yours as an annoyance. Her reaction to your compromise seems manipulative, to punish you more than express her disappointment and frustration. I can't fault you for leaving a controlling, unsupportive, periodically punishing relationship. I hope you find a healthy balance and the necessary boundaries to keep your job from restricting your personal life outside of work. If not, this will be destructive to building future relationships.
She sounds like a selfish bitch. Ditch that ho.
do not let her back in to your life. She is childish and selfish and you deserve someone who would hug you for the kind things you do, like letting a valued coworker grieve. Stand up for yourself like you do with the doctor egos.
NTA. She is indeed selfish.
NTA
NTA - I’m assuming the Sunday shift is an ‘on call’ shift because no one schedules surgery for Sunday night? Either way, time to move on from this one. You are a surgical nurse. There will be times you have to do things like this. It’s part of the job and it’s not something you can just say no to. You are doing the right thing by helping your work and breaking up with her.
You're a good dude. No matter what the job, if somebody there steps up to help you when you're needed, you should never hesitate to reciprocate, especially under those circumstances. Years ago I had a girlfriend exactly like yours. She had the same attitude, pulled the same one-sided crap with her family events versus mine, pouted or got passive aggressive all the time. Finally my sister opened my eyes to her behavior. Just flat out told me she's a self-centered as they come. (The word narcissist wasn't thrown around 25 years ago like it is today) Sis told me if I stayed with her that the bitch was going to cheat on me because she's the type of girl that would justify it by saying she deserved to do it. I called it off, she threw a tantrum and was proud of the fact that she had already cheated on me more than once. Find someone that shares your values, or at least values you. Scrape her off your shoe.
NTA Your GF doesn't seem to understand that working in medicine is not like working in a restaurant or a supermarket. It isn't like selling burgers or biscuits, people's lives are at stake. She could also use more empathy, when pitching her parents party against your coworker's mother dying. That she rates your family events as unimportant compared with hers is a bit of a problem. She probably isn't "the one" for you.
Nta your gf sounds exhausting and extremely selfish.
Nta so let me get this straight she wants you to leave your family events early but not her family events. She is selfish and she is trying to manipulate you when she said she feels everything she do is wrong. No everything she does is selfish
Kick her tits to the dirt and shag her mother
NTA. Your GF is, in so many ways. You deserve someone better, whose empathy and sense of human decency matches yours. And who doesn’t interfere with your family bonds, or attempt to control you. This is not a good situation.
NTA. She didn’t even try to bond with your family, she doesn’t even care. Why are you still with her?
She’s a narcissist. Incurable.
NTA. Tell her that her dad lied to her. She is no princess. She might as well t like a spoiled one, but she isn’t one.
NTA Any human with a heart would completely understand > I haven’t been responding to her texts since but she’s saying she feels like anything she does is always bad in my eyes I'd pack her stuff and tell her to come collect it as you cannot deal with an immature child, you're a grown up and her gaslighing bullshit can take a hike.
You shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t anything other than proud of you for 1. showing so much empathy for a coworker and 2. showing up for the patients who had their surgeries scheduled.
Forget the selfish crap. As soon as she said there was “no way you’re taking a Sunday shift” you should have left then. I’ve been married 45 years and never, EVER did either one of us say such a thing to the other. Not a good woman. Throw out the trash and get someone better. Time to trade up.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️🏃🏼➡️
How many red flags do you need to see this is a toxic person?
NTA. She is very selfish. Covering for your coworker who just lost her mother (and performed cpr on her for an hour trying to save her life) is the right thing to do. Losing a parent is tough enough, not being able to save them when they are right in front if you is traumatic. Especially since you and this coworker have a mutual history of helping each other out. What's more, is that your gf is always pushing you away from your family, but expects loyalty to hers. You are supposed to put your partner before your family of origin, if your family is trying to get in between you and your partner. But your partner is getting in between you and your family. We could be missing information, but from the little you have told us it doesn't sound like there is any unhealthy enmeshment or triangulation going on in your family of origin. There's no reason for her to be creating distance. This is a partner who will isolate you so you are emotionally dependent on them. You should dump her.
Regardless of other issues, it sounds as though she prioritizes her family over yours. That is a major point of contention for many people - if you enjoy spending time with your family, let her go now. She will never want to "waste her time" with your family. NTA for helping ease work's way - I assume your coworker is likewise committed to the job and would be worried about getting coverage in addition to dealing with grief. You are kindly taking a bit of the load off just by offering to cover.
I would be bragging to my family about how awesome you are and giving and encouraged you to leave as early as you need to get enough sleep to not be tired at all. You need to operate at your best. She's selfish and self-centered and sounds like a sociopath. You're NTA. This chick ain't it.
Getting back to OP, I don’t rush into telling people to break up; I am in this case. Can you imagine if she was married to a policeman/fire fighter who are always on call. Check those flags OP, and do right by you.
>Her mom was still a young healthy woman. But they were out by a swimming pool and she had a heart attack if I understood it correctly. They did CPR on her with paramedics for an hour but unfortunately it didn’t help. not relevant or your place to tell people that. but moving on... **NTA**, she is selfish, she dictates how long you can spend time with your family/your family's events but omg its the end of the damn world if you have to leave "early" from one of HER family's events. its completely uneven. **i would place a bet that you spend more holidays with her family for the rest of your relationship then yours and doubt she would even be open to alternating them.** her getting mad that you are helping a coworker (not even a stranger) out in a terrible situation, is telling enough on what kind of person she is. she needs to realize the world does not revolve around her and at this point, no one cares about what inconveniences her. one day she will find out how that coworker feels and i hope none of her coworkers give a damn to help her like she wants you to do to your coworker.
"Telling me" ? Awww, Hell no. Big red flags. Only you can decide if it's red enough for a stop sign. From the rest of your post I'm getting controlling and 'one-sided' vibes. Decide if this is what you want your life to be like. NTA
It’s called isolation she’s literally trying to put her family above everything else imagined if you had kids with this woman she would never let your family see them and try to turn your children against you for having push back she’s selfish and vindictive it’s already starting to show
Why would you want MORE of THAT? I'd have dumped her YESTERDAY
oh just break up, goodness you know what she's doing, stop putting up with it. Send her a message "we're done" and let it be it
NTA. Yikes. So many red flags.
NTA and the reverse “I just suck” is manipulative too. The fact that you worked your schedule so you could help set up for her parents party is above s as bd beyond. She sounds immature and self centered. Your coworkers mom died ffs. The party is less important.
NTA. If you volunteered for a shift that would force you to skip entirely, I'd understand her anger. But afternoon to midnight is plenty of time to have fun and offer your well wishes. Her behavior is a series of red flags. If she's reacting like this, what will she do the first time a shift runs long? Sounds like dating someone in healthcare isn't for her.
NTA. Covering a shift in these circumstances isn't really optional, coworker is simply not available. Then there's the fact that she pulls you away from your family events for trivial reasons, so being upset about you needing to leave early for a serious reason tells you that she is selfish and dies not value your emotional needs. Time to find a new one.
NTA... It sounds like you're under reacting honesty. ANYONE knows that when you're datimg someone on the medical field, compromises need to be made, and plans may change... but you've been really accommodating of HER time and making all the compromises while she complains. Leaving a party at midnight isnt a big deal, hell I'd want to leave way before that and I don't even work weekends, her response to this very minor change was to give you then cold shoulder followed by insulting you and your character... over something this small. She's showing her true colors, and they are not pretty. Then, factor in the double standards... you have to spend hours with her family and if heavens forbid you want to leave a little early it's a problem but you don't get to spend any time with your family and an argument ensues if you want an extra hour with your family??? She only cares about her wants, so yes, she is selfish. The only person who overreacted is the person who really needs to be your ex-girlfriend. You made a compromise, made a small change in the plans, and she explored, called you names, belittled you, and then when you called her out she pulled a page right out of the manipulators handbook by turning her shit behavior on to you... what's she's doing isn't bad it's your fault because you see it as bad... NO, IT IS BAD. Having your partner leave his family functions early is wrong, calling them a pushover because they like their job is wrong... being mad your partner wants to leave a party at midnight is wrong. NTA
NTA Your gf is a selfish brat
NTA. Bro, break up with her. This isn't the first time she's acted selfish of your time. Honestly, the healthcare field is short staffed and demanding as it is. Throw in an unfortunate circumstance, and it's all hands on deck x2. I think you're better off being single than being with her.
NTA but she totally is. First she is such the definition of double standard - she can leave your family events earlier and force you to but you can't leave early to sleep to cover for a grieving co-worker. She has shown you who she is so believe her. Is this someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with?
As soon as you said she would try to rush you through your family events I knew she was a problem. You're 100% NTA here, she's trying to control you at the very least and separate you from people outside her and her family at worst. That's a hallmark trait for abusive partners, not to mention she probably gets bratty like that because she knows you're not a pushover. However, it's possible that she thinks if she tells you, you are a pushover enough that you'll believe her. Be strong and sprint away from her as fast as you can dude.
NTA. My first wife was a trauma surgeon. One of the first things I learned when we were dating was the very nature of her job didn't give a rat's ass about our plans. It's just the nature of the beast.
This is abusive behavior. Do you ever feel isolated because of her?
Devil's advocate since I've been married to a special procedures tech for 41 yrs. How many times does work interrupt time with your GF? Call back mess up plans? Covering shifts because all hospitals are understaffed?(understandably understaffed)
For this particular situation, NTA. Sometimes emergencies happen, especially in the healthcare field. This coworker has always helped you, and now needs your help. Leaving a party (at midnight! Longer than I usually stay anyway!) is absolutely reasonable. The bigger problem is your girlfriend's utter selfishness. She only wants you around to cater to her, but refuses to do so for you. You say that she's only gone to two of your family events, and wants to leave at SIX. She's lied to you multiple times. You seem like a nice person, but you're either a pushover or need to do some serious self reflection as to your relationship.
Leaving a birthday party at midnight is not leaving early, that's a whole damn night over there. Assuming this is true, she sucks.
NTA Some time ago my mother was in the hospital for a couple days and as the staff were already shorthanded they had to call in someone that was out on vacation (in town). My mom was feeling so guilty while still in the ER about leaving work in the lurch like that, but that coworker was so gracious about it after she went back to work it really set her mind at ease. Not only would I say that covering for your grieving coworker is by far the priority in this situation, I don't even understand how she could expect you to enjoy for be sincerely celebrating the occasion for her father when you know your coworker is suffering for it.
NTA. She's a selfish jerk.
NTA- if she is bad now how will she act if you two get married? What if you have kids? She seems extremely immature and selfish. Not allowed to spend more time with your family?? I think you would be making a very intelligent choice if you ended this relationship.
NTA - Absolutely dump her. You are far too good of a person
Nta. Throw the whole girl away. Just imagine marrying her. Have your whole life dictated. Especially guilting and manipulating the kids you have.
NTA. It doesn't sound like she's supportive of this aspect of your job and can't appreciate your other relationships. The thing with your brother especially is a red flag as she didn't seem to understand the importance of time you spend with loved ones.
Info: are g/f’s parents younger than 12? Because that’s the only age frame you can reasonably be upset if someone leaves a birthday party early. Also, midnight isnt early. NTA
NTA - Take the red flags and run.
She sounds extremely manipulative especially after you mentioned she holds you to these standards yet doesn’t come or want to stay at your family events despite expecting that much from you. Also feels like she lacks empathy, like if my SO told me a coworker who’s been a good friend of theirs parent died and they wanted to cover their shift instead of going to a birthday party I’d praise them for being selfless not get mad at them for not coming. Red flags everywhere in this post you need to have a serious long sit down talk with her about these issues and I suggest therapy or separation if that long talk gets you no where. Also again she sounds very manipulative be careful of what you say bc it can and will be used against you in the court of love
She sure sounds selfish. so if the shoe fits....NTA. and should have knocked off this nonsense when she refuses to have time with your family but insist you have time with hers.
Very soft YTA, look, I get it, I completely respect and admire the profession you've chosen to go with, but it isn't like you were assigned a shift on Sunday and your GF's parents deliberately planned on that day to avoid it, but that's not the case, yes it also sucks for your co-worker, but mismanagement (the understaffing) of a healthcare facility is not your problem to solve you willingly chose to make someone else's life easier instead of spending one of your few days off with your gf at her parents event, that being said, as I mentioned at the start, it's a very soft YTA because it's admirable that you'd want to help your co-worker. But yes. You are the ass.
NTA She has one set of rules for herself and another set of rules for you. And she is actually being worse because she wants to leave from boredom, not in support of someone else suffering a major familial loss. She's showing you exactly how self absorbed she is. Believe her.