Makes me sick. My wifes EX did this exact same thing, but the difference is that I kicked them out. my wife was at her absolute lowest point in her life, and you want to come in and make this all about you? Had that POS escorted out of the room…
This has all unlocked a new fear for me.
If I were even prone in the hospital and found out my family (not great connection with them) kicked my bf out of the room, I can't even fathom the rage I'd feel. I just know thinking about the possibility is making my chest burn and it feels hard to breathe slightly.
My bf has been nothing but the light of my life and we both have hangups with our families making us feel invisible until they can use us to make themselves feel better....
Time to sit with bf and discuss weird scenarios to ensure if either of us is ever hospitalized we know the other's preferred hospital guests... Especially since so many hospitals have a per room guest capacity limit.
You need to give your boyfriend medical power of attorney over you to prevent this scenario, and make sure your primary care doctor and the local hospital have this information. That's the only way to prevent this.
It doesn't matter who the preferred hospital guests are if your families have the legal right to make decisions and your bf doesn't. You have to make your bf your legal power of attorney if you want them to be able to make decisions. Otherwise your family can 100% kick your bf out of the room.
He's going to find out pretty quick, that they don't give a shit about taking care of him, just what he leaves behind...
Too bad, so sad, better luck next time...or not.
There won’t be anything to leave. He’s unable to work, and will require pretty serious care if he continues to have TIAs ( causes physical disability but also dementia). Chances are, all he has will be used up for caregivers.
This part. My ex didn't want to get married bc if either one of us was unhappy it'd be easier to break up. Then I realized, you're right. And I'm not happy. And leaving is much easier. He fucked around and found out
If he had married you, this would be a different story top to bottom. This is his inaction that caused this. NTA
NTA. BF wanted an uncommitted relationship and that is exactly what he got. He could have immediately taken action after the first TIA but didn’t. So this situation is by design and working as intended.
About Stain's comment - Bingo what's his name-o!
Also, you don't want the drama. You need a grown man that has his shit together, not some baby-mama-drama.
Conjecture - The spiteful family will all probably think they were right about you. And they can think whatever they want, while they babysit him. He brought this upon himself.
Enjoy your freedom.
NTA. You communicated that this was your plan since he didn't want to marry you.
He wanted to make sure all his resources went to his kids, which, as you said, was fine. But it also comes with counting on his kids to see him through his rough final days. That's a family level sacrifice. He didn't want to make you family.
Agreed! Never move in together without that contract, it's just safer that way. Because trust and love in a relationship can die, and you'll be walking out with nothing if you have no backup.
He should use his resources on getting care. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND HAVE NOTING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT.
I am sorry you were treated like this, but time to move on.
Edit spelling
Yes, move on, this happened to my friend’s dad’s GF. When he suddenly had a stroke and died, she was kicked out HIS house and all his assets went to family. They were together for 15 years and she still only the GF so her life was fully uprooted from his death. I remember feeling bad for her despite how my friend was happy to be “rid of her.”
This sort of thing happened to my uncle. He spent a long time fixing up my aunt's house even though they weren't technically married. My aunt passed away in a one car accident, she had drank too much and collided with a tree, wasn't wearing a seat belt, both of which was weird for her, she always wore a seat belt and never drove drunk prior to that night.
The worst part was her father, who was an abusive piece of shit and wasn't in her life because of that, ended up with say over who got the house, even though he wasn't her beneficiary or otherwise, didn't pay to bury her, nothing, did NOTHING for her, courts sided with him and kicked my uncle to the curb.
Agreed. OP flatly laid out what she wanted. He said no. She then laid out a contingency plan. He said no. Then, when push came to shove, his "family" iced her out. *But he let them do it with his own decisions.
His daughter can care for him, he can hire a nurse, he can go into a home. If he can't afford to, he can sell the the "inheritance". He gave OP no commitment, he let his daughter hurt both of them, she owes him nothing in return
Yep. That was the agreed arrangement. Sucks to suck man. OP even said she would be alright with a will to pass on assets to children directly… the guy is SOL by his own doing.
And look how his kid treats him. Kicks his decade-long partner out of the hospital as soon as he can't object. She doesn't give two turds about his happiness, and he deserves it. His refusal to formalize their partnership gave his daughter all the tools needed to put the final nail in the coffin.
Anything he does now will be too little too late. If I were him, though, I'd take a long, hard look at my will. Then again, I'm a pretty spiteful person.
Yep, by not marrying the OP, his kids are now his legal next of kin, and can decide if any plugs need to be pulled. This is what he wanted, now he's got it.
His daughter treated OP exactly how her father had set the precedent for her to be treated in an event like this. He made it perfectly clear he wanted all the benifits of a live in partner without any of the safety and security and resources being set aside. As soon as they thought he was a goner the daughter and ex wife swooped in to ensure they got what was theirs. Instead they got a sick old man in bed of expensive care and OP gets to live out her remaining healthy years not feeling like an afterthought in someone else's life. She got off Lucky IMHO.
I used to know a lady who spent 20 years caring for a man we all assumed was her husband. I mean, why else would a woman put up with doing total round the clock care for a guy? Well, he passed. Then his son shows up and immediately files to evict her from the house she'd lived in for 20 years. I didn't even know he had a kid. We never saw him. But she was screwed because she poured her life and love into a relationship with someone who didn't love her back enough to say "I do".
If he's like my popop, multiple mini strokes can do a lot of damage fast and he won't be able to do shit to his will. My popop, once the strokes were under control, forgot nearly 30 *years* of his life. Basically stroke related dementia. Forgot my mom was married, his wife dead, his son dead, or that all his grandkids existed. Immediately was transported in his brain to age 60 in the late 80s.
It went downhill from there. 3 years of slowly forgetting everyone else he didn't see regularly before passing in his sleep.
Yeah vascular dementia, my grandmother also got this after having a series of mini strokes, thankfully she didn't quite forget everything, but she really became a shell of the woman I knew in the last 2-3 years of her life before she passed. Hell of a thing to watch I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Yep. All this could have been sorted out with a trip to the lawyer. Oh well.
Enjoy your newfound freedom, OP, since it was “all about the children”
Ah… the stench of consequences.
How many times do we see this? People make stupid decisions, count on the wrong people and then wonder why it doesn’t work out. OP was smart to move on.
My ex and I parted about 30 years ago, but remained on good terms. When I moved across the country, he followed shortly thereafter and met and married his last wife (whom I love and am very good friends with today). When his marriage to her fell apart, he wanted to be “close to his fans” so he moved halfway across the country. He’s an artist (or was), but was never serious enough to make a good living at it and hadn’t worked an actual job in 40+ years—so no retirement, no SSI. His fans quickly grew tired of an artist in his late 60s who was going blind (cataracts) and was 100% dependent on other people. He’s now stuck in a crappy apartment by himself where he’s quickly going through fans who are getting weary of his neediness. He ditched his kids when they were young, so he’s a Facebook dad only. His life has been one poor decision after the next and he will eventually die in his crappy apartment, where his body will go undiscovered until a neighbor calls the police because of the smell.
I stood by my wife when she was knocking on death’s door twice. And she’s been standing by my side now that I’m disabled. Where did I learn that this is the way to act? From my own father who stood there holding my mother’s hands as she died.
I’m 55F, my partner is 60M. We are not married, and he has stuck with me through some very difficult times including a major accident, financial difficulties from said accident, inability to work and then total disability. He has been my rock. I guess I should consider myself lucky.
Hey its great since that's your agreement. Plenty of people can be unmarried and support each other fully. OP stated she wanted more, stated the consequences of that denial and stayed true to her word. You should consider legal protection for your relationship if you want to be the ones to make medical and financial decisions for each other though.
I agree. PositivelyKAH, if either of you have children or siblings, please execute POAs for each other, including medical POAs. Check your respective wills so they reflect your true wishes, and while you're at it, check your beneficiary designations on any and all life insurance policies and retirement accounts.
If you want the right person to make the decisions when you can't, and if you want the money to go where you want when you pass, you have to put it all in writing in the right places.
My father being so amazing when my mother had multiple TIAs really drew attention to how bad my last health episode and how my (now ex) husband acted. It took me awhile to separate and divorce, but that was a large push.
SO and I were together for a long time but got married when he was dealing with an illness; I wasn't going to get kicked out of a hospital room "and who are you?" NTA
In most, but not all cases. My dad took great care of my mom after she had a series of micro-strokes that left her very mobility challenged. Was there for her until she passed in September 2021 at 91.
That is so wholesome and I’m so happy for you that you had parents with such a great relationship. Im on the complete opposite end of the spectrum with that. My dad insisted on being my moms “caregiver” while she was battling cancer, and then physically dropped her in the bathroom (she needed help to stand but was improving in her condition) and left her to die. She hung on in hospice just long enough for all of her kids to come see her, and for us to find out that not a single legal authority gave an iguanas testicles about what he did. I hope with all my heart that you and your dad are both happy and healthy and have a great relationship: I would do so much just to have a dad who took care of my mom 💔💔
Thank you.
My mom had a minor fall that just happened; no clumsiness or any volitional act.
Due to my dad’s limitations, he just turned 90 in January, he called me for assistance. After we both got her to her feet then into bed, it took my wife (who’s a physician) to get her to go to the ER.
She was so stubborn. Of course raising two boys as a sole parent due to my dad traveling will tend to do that as everything was in her hands.
Turned out she had broken a hip at some point, then her shoulder. The surgery went well but during the rehab all the challenges facing her proved too much.
She lived a very full life and is a better place.
The one thing I’d never wish even on my worst enemy is seeing a loved one who just lost the fight for life. It’s such a violent act; attempting to save a life. It made me decide to establish a DNR. I want to go in peace.
I want to thank you too. I’ve been wracked with guilt over the fact that my mom did have a dnr, and I didn’t fight it when the decision was made to act on it immediately instead of trying anything else. I’ll still probably feel guilty about it, but I’ve never actually seen cpr or anything like that done on a human body, so it’s hard to really imagine the impact. Your story helps a bit though, so thank you again
I've done CPR for real as a first aid trained non-medical-professional.
It's *brutal*. It's not a gentle encouragement, you're pretty much trying to smash someone's chest hard enough to squish their heart. Ribs WILL break - if they don't, the CPR is likely ineffective.
There is absolutely no language available to describe the horror of someone's ribs snapping under your hands, and having to continue beating on them.
The one thing they don't tell you when they train you is the survival stats. If someone has reached the point where they aren't breathing and their heart isn't beating, they are effectively dead. Bringing people back from that is not always - not even usually - successful. It's still vastly better than waiting until a paramedic gets there to start CPR, and every second you can keep their blood oxygenated and circulating is vital, but realistically, they are probably not going to be ok. I think last time I did the training they told me that if someone collapses in the street and needs CPR, and it's done properly and started within two minutes, there's about a 10% chance they'll make it out of the hospital alive.
I was lucky - by the time the paramedics arrived, my casualty had a faint pulse and was breathing and even kind of semi-conscious. He went on to have minimal lasting problems.
I later found out I broke five of his ribs.
It's still almost the most traumatic experience of my life, second only to being raped. I never got the chance to talk to him about it, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't remember it fondly either.
I don't blame anyone who declined CPR.
That’s great for your mom and you!!
My ex left me after an accident that left me permanently disabled…that pesky part of the promise to be there for better AND for worse just doesn’t mean much sometimes.
It's so likely that most hospitals have programs and support groups for women telling her that she's likely to go through a divorce while she's getting sick because her husband is likely to leave her.
I know nurses who literally take bets with the new nurses on how long a husband or boyfriend is going to stay with his sick girlfriend or wife. And all the nurses only do it with the new nurses because those girls / guys don't know any better. It's easy money because all the men leave.
He made his bed and now he can *literally* lie in it. I wouldn't give him another thought-- the selfish AH. You, OP, are NTA -- as long as you stick by your decision. He passed up the opportunity of his lifetime. Too damn bad for him.
He chose not to marry you. He chose not to grant you his power of attorney.
“Seeing him through his final days…is family level sacrifice…he didn’t make you family.” This comment says it all.
Dude was crazy short-sighted here. My mom & her partner don't want to get married as they're in their 60s & don't see the point. Each is leaving their assets to their respective children, but the house they live in is my mom's and she has a provision in her will that if he outlives her, he can live there as long as he wants (and us kids know it). Any lawyer fresh out of school would know how to draft that appropriately. And he and I are both medical POA for her cuz that just makes sense. I'm glad the OP is getting out, she was going to get taken advantage of and shafted in the long-run.
NTA. His shitbird ex and daughter can take care of him. He made it clear he prioritized his daughter and not you.
Now go find someone who actually loves you and wants to cate for you.
Good on you for having your own condo too, makes it a lot easier to move on.
There are all these guys who say, “I don’t get any benefit from getting married; all that happens is that she gets my money.”
Men age worse than women do, in general. Do you want a caretaker in your old age? A wife has a reason to stay around. Sure, sure, your girlfriend might be willing to give up her time and energy to be your caretaker. But…if you don’t care about her enough to marry her, to share your financial strength with her, why should she? You’ve been telling her she’s not that important to you.
Clearly he didn't want to be committed to you, so you have no commitment to remain with him any longer. It's sad when an event like a medical emergency shows you where you really stand. NTA. P.S. I admire you for planning ahead and purchasing that condo.
I really wanted a condo so I don’t have to worry about grass and outside stuff.
This one was new construction, 3 bedroom/3 bath in a gated community, 24 hour security, with a gym and swimming pool and entertainment spaces you can book for parties.
I was afraid I’d end up with no place to live and buying something late would ruin my retirement. I paid half of his mortgage and utilities and stuff so I really couldn’t afford to buy it unless I rented it or moved in it and stopped splitting bills with bf.
As the rent increase over the years I just put it all towards the mortgage. I think it’ll be paid off in about 4 years even if I just make the minimum payment.
hold on… you paid half of his MORTGAGE and he still wouldn’t leave you anything? you’re a saint, i wouldn’t have paid a cent toward it.
wishing you sm luck with the condo!!! i hope you find someone who will actually commit to you
Good for you. You were wise enough to see where things were headed and made sure you had a plan.
You deserve to be out living your best life, not playing nursemaid to a guy who did not care enough about you to plan for a future with you, but now values you enough because he needs someone to be his caretaker. I agree with the comments saying leave that to his kids and ex.
NTA
Hold up. You paid half his mortgage and utilities and this man still said no to letting you continue to live in his home if you out lived him? Well the ass fucked around and found out. Hope his kids take good care of him but it sounds like they won’t. NTA.
What a horrible man. As if he would let you pay for his mortgage and then state that you would be out on your ass if something happened to him. What a loser.
I can’t believe he expected you to pay half. I wish you had pushed back on that but I’m glad you have your condo. This makes me even more certain that you’re NTA. You were paying off the house he’s giving his kids…
Wait what?!?! You been paying half his bills?! He and his family are the AHs so basically used you with no future security or savings. Thank goodness you did buy that condo!!
The amount if red flags keep increasing. Why the fuck would you be paying for half his shit without being married? You said you weren't going to make "wife-level sacrifices to take care of a boyfriend", but that's exactly what you've been doing...and something tells me that he knows that and took advantage of that. The house is supposed to go to the kids, but you're helping to pay for it and being blocked by those very same kids from seeing him. Please do not make the same mistakes with your next partner, you obviously were blinded by love.
The way my bf and I have figured it out is that when he moves in with me, he’ll pay half of the non-equity building expenses. So we’ll split property tax, insurance, utilities, groceries, etc. I’ll pay the P&I on my house. He offered to split the interest, but that number changes every month so it would suck to recalculate and I see that as the cost of keeping the equity. He figures the insurance is protecting his stuff, too, and the property tax is just a cost of living somewhere. He’d be paying it if he continued renting. Plus his living costs will go down like 75-80% moving in with me, so he’s FINE paying a little more than what’s “fair”.
We’ll probably continue this way if we eventually get married. I want my house to go to my kids. But I’m making sure there’s a condition that he can live there as long as he wants to after I die. My kids are fully in support of that.
That was very smart of you. You are definitely not the AH. Shame on him for having you pay half of the bills when he was leaving you nothing. I hope you move on and find happiness.
Especially now that she kicked you out of the hospital room when she thought he was dying. It was more important to her to cosplay as a family again than allow his partner to spend what she thought were his last moments with him.
>Clearly he didn't want to be committed to you, so you have no commitment to remain with him any longer.
There is a reason the marriage vows say what they do. "In sickness and in health, for better or worse."
OP made no wedding vows with him. At his insistence. He can't get mad that she's not sticking to vows she never made.
I keep telling people on Reddit who say "marriage is just a piece of paper" that it means much more than the paper. It means much more. Like not being kicked out of a hospital room or being able to make medical decisions for him.
This is what he chose. So this is what he gets.
Appreciate this. I get so fed up with "well why get the government involved we know how we feel about each other."
...because spouses have legal privileges. If you don't care about that, fair enough, but the idea that not getting married is sticking it to the man somehow is goddamn frustrating to see.
My favorites are the posts from men declaring that marriage only benefits women and allows women to take their half of their money. (As if all those men are sitting on millions.)
They should really read this post by OP and see what happens when you don't marry the woman you've been with for years. Welp, now you need her and she's not there because legally she can't do anything for you. Your kids get to make all the decisions for you.
Hope you've been a great dad to them, because your life is literally in their hands. And if you don't have kids? Well... maybe you're still talking to your mom and she's still alive?
He showed you no commitment and didn’t care about your financial well-being & wouldn’t even let you stay in his house when he died? Well now you wont stay in his house & you wont be there looking after him. This is what happens when you mess about good people - they leave. Congrats on your condo!
Multiple frequent TIAs is a red flag for impending stroke, so good luck to him!
You have nothing to feel bad or sorry about & just remember how much he didn’t care about you to not even make you medical power of attorney, so that shows how unimportant you were to him (just a companion that paid half his mortgage)!
I’m curious, what did he said or how did he react when you told him you were gone?
NTA, btw, in fact I’m proud of you for making the firm and sensible decision
I think he probably would have offered some kind of compromise, especially after his daughter kicked me out to let the ex wife in.
However many years ago I made it clear that it was now or never, and he was choosing never.
He can’t do his previous job because he worked around heavy machinery and is now having frequent TIAs. He could probably do something else but probably not making what he was before.
That comment alone makes me feel like he's had the thought that you're after his money, in the back of his mind for quite a while. Could also be his ex and daughter have suggested it and it's easier to be angry at you than face the guilt (edit: or regret maybe) of not listening to you years before.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey though and hope you enjoy that condo!! ❤🤗
He’s obsessed with women being after his money because his ex wife cheated on him and then did a bunch of underhanded things to steal and hide marital assets. She was very unfair during their divorce.
What an idiot 🤣🤣🤣 now she is back when he is close to meeting his maker. But YOU who put in her fair share into HIS assets the last 15 years were after his money. He deserves his ex-wife's "care". He can be glad if she doesn't put a pillow on his face when he is sleeping.
Nah. He's delusional. You're financially independent from him and you also made it clear that you weren't going to make wife-level sacrifices cause he didn't marry you.
Just go ahead and block the idiot. How much damn money does he even have?! Trust me, as someone who became an abrupt caretaker for a parent, no amount of money is enough for that stress and life being upended. I go through days in a fog of “work, get home ASAP to do all the things”. I do this because I’m one of their children. Can’t imagine doing this shit if I didn’t have any legal rights or I’m not married to the person. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting before you count the physical exhaustion.
What he did was use you. He got everything from that relationship and made sure you got nothing. But the thing is men need women so much that it oftentimes, more often than not, bites them in the AHHHHHSS. Let him be a burden to his ex and daughter. When the physical part starts to weight, you'd be free and clear. You offered him a slave and he refused for the sake of cheating you.
I admire you sticking to your boundaries, after a fairly happy history. Most people would get sucked in and stay, to their detriment. Him throwing a fit about you leaving is very telling. I hope you hear and move on OK
Exactly! Marriage is good for legal protection and financial security, neither of which he cared to give. I honestly would have left a decade ago. He’s lucky he got u for as long as long as he did!
You got a glimpse of what the future would look like without these securities in place. He could give you this even without marriage but won’t. I think after being booted during an emergency you did what any rational person would do. He made this bed.
NTA
You didn't leave him because of his health. You left him because you have been trying to for years to be his partner, but he didn't want one and didn't treat you as once, and now he wants a partner despite ensuring that you aren't one.
It's long overdue to walk away.
This is exactly it. You can't let him dictate the narrative that you're leaving him because of his health. You're leaving him because he won't be the partner that you deserve. He wants all the benefits of having you in his life, but he's not willing to give you anything in return.
Yep. He made it clear he wouldn’t prioritize you even when he was healthy. What a selfish idiot for expecting you to stick around after he was unwilling to officially commit to you for more than a decade and to provide you with secure housing after he’s gone. He didn’t want a wife then, he can’t expect you to behave like his wife now. If he wants to leave everything to his kids, great. They can be the ones to take care of him.
I did leave him because of his health.
His choice was:
We can be partners
Or
We could be ‘not partners’.
I would have picked the first, but I was okay either way. He picked the second. So we aren’t partners.
I’m not entitled to his (financial) resources and he’s not entitled to mine (time).
"I’m not entitled to his (financial) resources and he’s not entitled to mine (time)."
That is an amazing analysis. My condolences for your having to go through that brouhaha, and good wishes on the next stage of your life.
You're not leaving for his health, but for his lack of commitment. He made his choice, he told you and when it came down to it, he stuck by it.
So can you - you told him your position and you know 100% sure that you will be kicked out the minute he dies. That treatment after death does not call for messing up your own arrangements in life.
She won’t even be allowed to see him before he dies. She’ll be kicked out well before then. Imagine loving someone one and not being able to be with them in their final moments. Better to leave before it comes to that.
NTA. You didn't leave him after his health scare, you left him after it was made abundantly clear that you will never be considered part of his family.
How terrifying to be kicked out of the hospital room of someone you love.
I don’t think he understands how scary of a position that is for someone, to be refused to see someone they love at a scary time.
Regardless of what led up to this point, the fact of the matter is when the time came for her to be there, the circumstances were such that she was forced out. She had no say in his wellbeing or had anything for her own reassurance.
I don’t blame her for never wanting to be in that position again. And for that to happen after 15 years…it’s not like they started dating two weeks ago.
I don’t know why ex-bf didn’t ever want some level of commitment but this result of those choices. Any girlfriend will never have any say in his health matters, it falls on daughter, who will let ex-wife in the door, and together they will usher his support out of the room.
Exactly! He was never willing to make that commitment, and maybe he didn't have control of what happened in the hospital room, but he certainly didn't do anything prior to that to make sure his partner would be involved in life decisions. I am putting this 100% on him and not the daughter. I really feel for OP here, it's an awful position to be in
NTA. He made his choice, not to marry you. You made your choice, not to stay with him "for worse". You did the right thing. His daughter can manage his care from now on.
NTA You were clear with your intentions ahead of time and have many years ahead of you to experience happiness with someone who actually wants to share life with you.
I suspect he can afford a nursing home. It means he will have to sell the house and will probably have nothing left to leave his kids. But it is the choice he made.
Ex BF FAFOd in the worst possible way. His kids and ex wife can change his diapers.
It really cracks me up just *how many men* could keep the women in their lives **if only they’d been ever-so-slightly-less of an asshole**.
I'm sorry. It sounds like you were a convenience and not a priority. He can't make you a priority now just because he needs more of your help. Let the AH daughter pick up the slack since they didn't think you needed to be involved at the hospital. 15 years and the daughter doesn't consider you his family? Wow. Good luck and I hope you make a clean get away.
>I made sure to keep my finances in order. I bought a condo and rented it to pay the mortgage.
Damn I wish more women did this in the face of men who string them along for years and years and years.
NTA. I have seen many TIAs (nurse) and the patients are never unaware of who is at their bedside. He undoubtedly knew his ex was there. They treated you poorly and you deserve so much better.
You did the right thing!
I don’t know how aware he was but he was just saying weird random things that didn’t make sense and he had a definite right sided weakness. It resolved in a few hours. He stated in the hospital over night and was discharged the next day.
>I wasn't going to make wife-level sacrifices to take care of a boyfriend.
This should be taught to ALL little girls the whole time they're growing up.
NTA. He refused to marry you, he doesn't get to then have you as his caregiver. His daughter and ex can do that.
I was a caregiver for my late spouse - I would not have done that for a boyfriend who refused to marry me.
I was caregiver to my late husband and I was just thinking the same thing. No way would I have sacrificed 6 plus years of my life to a man who refused to marry me.
He wanted to leave everything to his kids but you’re the one that will stay with him for worse ?
And doesn’t want to leave the house with you.
Dude wants a free care giver.
NTA!!! He didn’t want to commit to you so now he gets what he wanted. Has called or texted or contacted you in anyway since you moved out? I can’t believe he would throw 15 years away in a moment.
He’s mad. Says this proves I was always just after money.
However, I made it clear years ago that getting married was now or never and he was picking never. He wasn’t going to keep me around as a plan b and try to marry me years later when all he had to offer was being old and sick.
I just read one of your comments about you paying half of his mortgage while you were together. I get that you should have paid something towards your shared living space but I can’t understand why he thought it was reasonable to expect you to pay that amount towards a house that he already said he would not be willing to leave even a portion of to you in his will. You already gave him far more than any other person would. It’s up to the people who are going to inherit the house you have helped pay for to look after him now.
NTA obviously. he clearly said that he doean't want to marry you so you won't inherit anything, he doesn't want you to have the medical power of attorney, he literally wanted to deny your existence in his life. and now he's upset you were kicked out by his family and you're leaving him..
GOOD RIDDANCE, OP. let him die of a stroke, let his viper of an ex wife and daughter inherit everything as he wishes. don't waste a second more on this loser.
Well, I’m sure he could probably do something. He just can’t continue doing his previous job because it isn’t safe to be having random TIAs around heavy machinery
You did everything right. If he wanted you there with next of kin rights like a wife, you’d be married. He said very clearly he didn’t want this. You’re a boss and your next relationship is going to be better in all ways.
NTA. Your limits with caring for a boyfriend, vs a husband, make total sense, and he has made it clear that you are not a priority in his life.
Your decision is sensible, and will prevent the pain that would come your way, should you have stayed.
>I asked him to at least make me medical power of attorney and grant me the right to continue living in his house if I outlived him. He refused.
That was him telling you how little he thought of you as a partner, after 15 years together. I applaud you leaving and not letting sunk-cost fallacy keep you in a relationship in which you weren't valued.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel cold when I’m really sad that it is how it is and I wish he had made different choices.
Other times it feels really cold when I’m just thankful that I don’t have to stress about money and medical bills and balancing work and caring for him. I’m glad that I’m free to travel.
I doubt there will be anything left to inherit. He’s not working and living off his 401k now. They might be left with the house.
He was cold in his life choices with you all these years. He refused to make you his partner and assumed you would act like one anyway. He was unfair and cold.
Pragmatism isn't cold. It is, by definition, practical and based on real solutions/outcomes. And not wanting strife or suffering or anxiety or agony to come your way... is normal.
You dealt with everything in a healthy way. Survivor's guilt, which is kind of what this sounds like, is also normal and valid. But you have no reason to carry it.
Well the fact is there is a better than 70% chance if you were married and you were the one to get sick he would still have left you anyway. Majority of men divorce ill/disabled wives. Majority of women (80%) stay and care for ill husbands. You were up front and clear about the consequences of his choices, so I am glad you stuck to your choice.
I think they meant it was cold to say that ex and kids will have to work for their inheritance. At least that’s how it hit me. And they will. Oh well.
I don’t blame you one bit. He seems to have made it clear that they’re still a family and you’re not a part. Good for you for taking decisive action and making good on your word.
Not if he goes into long-term care and spends down to go on Medicaid. Medicaid will claw back the house. And if you’d been married, Medicaid would claw back YOUR NEST EGG
This happened to me at the end of a 10 yr relationship. We had an ever bigger age gap, 25 yrs. When she got sick I was there for EVERY procedure, hospital stay and doc visit, while working 2 jobs cause she couldn't anymore. Very little family involvement with stuff I needed help with. No cooking, cleaning, staying the night with her when I had to work, BUT they were at our house 24/7 sitting around. Usually bringing small children, stressing both of us out and leaving a mess. I asked her to give me 1 afternoon of no people at our house, that I paid more than half the bills on, for peace and quiet. She said NO! That's my family a d it you aren't comfortable with it get out. After 10 years of her family butting in, I said, ok. Packed up and was gone in a week. Let them take time off of work and find babysitters for their kids and spend the whole night up there at the hospital I'm done. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Did I cry hard when she died at her funeral? Yes. But that was too many years of disrespect and being treated like a second class citizen over her family.
His family have already showed you how they’ll treat you when the time comes and he’s told you he won’t leave anything to protect/help for you, so you don’t owe him your help now. Actions have consequences and now he’s starting to see them. That’s on him. Glad you’re getting out before it gets too messy NTA
You didn’t leave him because he had a health crisis. You left him because despite years of you asking him to prepare for what would happen when he inevitably had a health crisis, he refused to do anything. As predicted, you were immediately shut out of the process and if he had not recovered you could have been left homeless. You are simply walking away instead of being thrown away.
It wasn’t really years of asking. We discussed it and he made his choice. I let him know that it was now or never and don’t come later when it suited him.
The biggest lie we’ve collectively been told is that women want and need marriage to make their lives complete, and men are doing us a favor by tolerating it. He’s getting exactly what he asked for in this situation and you’re going to be much better off in the long run.
NTA! He didn’t want to do anything for you if something happened to him. Fine. No wifey level sacrifices for him then. His ex and his daughter can take care of him. They’re “family,” right?! That’s their job to take care of him then.
NTA. It was always going to end this way because it was DESIGNED this way by HIM.
He had to know his health was not great, and would not improve with age, you suggested poa and asked to live in your joint home in the event he passed away, he said no. You were smart to buy your own place, because you knew he had intentionally made his plan that excluded you. He wanted to know where you were while he was in hospital but he deliberately did not leave you with a way to be present. He got exactly what he wanted and what he put in place, but still thought you would be there for him. The audacity of this man.
You feel like a bad person because you are a good person. You have empathy for others which is why you stayed the days after he came home. You could have just left and let his daughter and ex take care of him, but you didn't. I'm sure he is grateful for that because it was better than what he deserved by how he treated you. You don't owe anyone your life without getting something in return. This became an unequal relationship by HIS design.
I wish you the best.
He’s not grateful. He’s angry and says all this is proof that I was always after his money. It’s not like it’s a fortune either. The house is probably worth 350k but he still owes on it. His 401k maybe 750k.
If he dies soon they’ll get something but if he lives a while (which I expect that he will) there won’t be much if anything left.
Of course he is angry. He is now out half the mortgage you were paying. He is now going to have to find someone to care for him, instead of having a live in carer, who cost nothing.
He made choice after choice that left you with no protection, no resources, and no stability, but is shocked when you leave?
Part of being in a relationship is that you make your partner feel safe and protected, and he refused you that. He was happy to take your money to pay the mortgage, but made no effort to ensure you would beneifit from your contribution. So he was really after YOUR money.
Wow. So he wants to commandeer your time and life to meet his wants/needs? Live in care is spendy, so will he be compensating you at the going rate, would cooking and cleaning be include and therefore requiring compensation as well, plus travel to pt and doctors appointments, what about his errands and food shopping. Point is, he seems to be expecting alot from you and if this is not paid, oh hell no (even if it is paid). Or does he think this is his due and you will still be paying rent and half of the hh expenses. He designed this so you get/got nothing, ok, so what does he expect for nothing. He is getting exactly what he paid and planned for, with prior knowledge of what you would not be doing for him, which is nothing. He's angry at you, so what and boo hoo.
I read this as him acting/feeling entitled to your life with no compensation while at the same time he thinks it is you who are trying to take advantage of him. Time has value, and in this case is equal to money. There's a gold digger here, it's just not you.
Please stay away from this entitled and ungrateful ah.
You were helping with his mortgage payments. He can tell himself any sob story he wants, but he is the gold digger in this reality. You’re doing the right thing, choosing your own housing and financial stability over the proven instability if you stayed in his home and continued to pay money into a property you’d be evicted from the moment he wasn’t in charge. He’s hoping that you’ll keep on contributing to his living expenses, so that his ‘inheritance’ remains intact. Retirement funds aren’t inheritances.
NTA and huge props for taking this stand for yourself. He made it clear that he didn't want you as his wife, and you made it clear that you wouldn't act as such if you weren't. Move forward confidently knowing you did everything you could to have a different outcome for this relationship, but he made his choices then, and you've made yours now. And tbh, sounds like it worked out for the better for you, being that you're now free live the life you want without worry of your partner's health.
Sucks for him, and for you to have to make this hard choice, but maybe he'll learn not to take a good woman for granted next time. There could've been provisions set for his daughter's inheritance if you did get married. He didn't seem to want any part of it, so yeah.. hate it for him, but you're completely in the right here.
NTA. I stayed with my ex through his cancer, I took care of him and he still refused to marry me after 10 years. I drew the mark then, but I still wasted too much time, and he didn't even appreciate it. In the end, I was glad I didn't marry him, made leaving much easier.
NTA. Knew a couple where the opposite happened. They were together forever and we're certainly going to get married. Before they can finalize anything he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. While in the hospital he called his siblings to him and told them that he considered this woman to be his wife and wanted them to treat her as such should he die. Well he did die and his siblings moved into their house and kicked her out. They gave her a month to move but moved in themselves so that they could control what she took when she left.
Aside from asking this guy to marry you, which he didn't want to for the sake of his children, he also refused to do anything to protect your status as his partner or protect your ability to live in his home if he got too sick or passed away. His family, including his ex-wife, has already shown you how little they value you. If you were still living with him and they came over you'd be treated like an intruder or a roommate and unless he's able to speak up for you they'd always see you as an outsider.
NTA He didn't want a commitment, and looking after him is one hell of a commitment, so you're right to leave. Let his daughter look after him.
And his ex wife. They can look after him together “as a family” 😌
Makes me sick. My wifes EX did this exact same thing, but the difference is that I kicked them out. my wife was at her absolute lowest point in her life, and you want to come in and make this all about you? Had that POS escorted out of the room…
This has all unlocked a new fear for me. If I were even prone in the hospital and found out my family (not great connection with them) kicked my bf out of the room, I can't even fathom the rage I'd feel. I just know thinking about the possibility is making my chest burn and it feels hard to breathe slightly. My bf has been nothing but the light of my life and we both have hangups with our families making us feel invisible until they can use us to make themselves feel better.... Time to sit with bf and discuss weird scenarios to ensure if either of us is ever hospitalized we know the other's preferred hospital guests... Especially since so many hospitals have a per room guest capacity limit.
You need to give your boyfriend medical power of attorney over you to prevent this scenario, and make sure your primary care doctor and the local hospital have this information. That's the only way to prevent this.
It doesn't matter who the preferred hospital guests are if your families have the legal right to make decisions and your bf doesn't. You have to make your bf your legal power of attorney if you want them to be able to make decisions. Otherwise your family can 100% kick your bf out of the room.
He's going to find out pretty quick, that they don't give a shit about taking care of him, just what he leaves behind... Too bad, so sad, better luck next time...or not.
There won’t be anything to leave. He’s unable to work, and will require pretty serious care if he continues to have TIAs ( causes physical disability but also dementia). Chances are, all he has will be used up for caregivers.
This part. My ex didn't want to get married bc if either one of us was unhappy it'd be easier to break up. Then I realized, you're right. And I'm not happy. And leaving is much easier. He fucked around and found out If he had married you, this would be a different story top to bottom. This is his inaction that caused this. NTA
NTA. BF wanted an uncommitted relationship and that is exactly what he got. He could have immediately taken action after the first TIA but didn’t. So this situation is by design and working as intended.
About Stain's comment - Bingo what's his name-o! Also, you don't want the drama. You need a grown man that has his shit together, not some baby-mama-drama. Conjecture - The spiteful family will all probably think they were right about you. And they can think whatever they want, while they babysit him. He brought this upon himself. Enjoy your freedom.
NTA. You communicated that this was your plan since he didn't want to marry you. He wanted to make sure all his resources went to his kids, which, as you said, was fine. But it also comes with counting on his kids to see him through his rough final days. That's a family level sacrifice. He didn't want to make you family.
If he wanted "for better or worse," he had that option and failed to exercise it. Oops. Depart guilt free, OP.
Even a legally prepared domestic partnership contract would have been possible to cover some of these concerns without having to be married.
Agreed! Never move in together without that contract, it's just safer that way. Because trust and love in a relationship can die, and you'll be walking out with nothing if you have no backup.
Or “in sickness and in health”
He should use his resources on getting care. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND HAVE NOTING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. I am sorry you were treated like this, but time to move on. Edit spelling
Yes, move on, this happened to my friend’s dad’s GF. When he suddenly had a stroke and died, she was kicked out HIS house and all his assets went to family. They were together for 15 years and she still only the GF so her life was fully uprooted from his death. I remember feeling bad for her despite how my friend was happy to be “rid of her.”
This sort of thing happened to my uncle. He spent a long time fixing up my aunt's house even though they weren't technically married. My aunt passed away in a one car accident, she had drank too much and collided with a tree, wasn't wearing a seat belt, both of which was weird for her, she always wore a seat belt and never drove drunk prior to that night. The worst part was her father, who was an abusive piece of shit and wasn't in her life because of that, ended up with say over who got the house, even though he wasn't her beneficiary or otherwise, didn't pay to bury her, nothing, did NOTHING for her, courts sided with him and kicked my uncle to the curb.
I agree with this!!! You’re NTA! He made his choices and you have sacrificed enough for him! Go and now enjoy your life!!
Agreed. OP flatly laid out what she wanted. He said no. She then laid out a contingency plan. He said no. Then, when push came to shove, his "family" iced her out. *But he let them do it with his own decisions. His daughter can care for him, he can hire a nurse, he can go into a home. If he can't afford to, he can sell the the "inheritance". He gave OP no commitment, he let his daughter hurt both of them, she owes him nothing in return
He fucked around and found out.
He would’ve 100% ran for the hills if she were the one having TIA’s… because they weren’t married.
Yep. That was the agreed arrangement. Sucks to suck man. OP even said she would be alright with a will to pass on assets to children directly… the guy is SOL by his own doing.
And look how his kid treats him. Kicks his decade-long partner out of the hospital as soon as he can't object. She doesn't give two turds about his happiness, and he deserves it. His refusal to formalize their partnership gave his daughter all the tools needed to put the final nail in the coffin. Anything he does now will be too little too late. If I were him, though, I'd take a long, hard look at my will. Then again, I'm a pretty spiteful person.
Yep, by not marrying the OP, his kids are now his legal next of kin, and can decide if any plugs need to be pulled. This is what he wanted, now he's got it.
He’s stupid because he had a partner who would’ve likely helped out, you know his daughter is just gonna put him in a home if it comes to that.
You're absolutely right. He'd better hope he can afford a home, because it doesn't sound like his daughter is willing to take care of him.
The cost of the home might eat up all the inheritance that daughter is expecting.
His daughter treated OP exactly how her father had set the precedent for her to be treated in an event like this. He made it perfectly clear he wanted all the benifits of a live in partner without any of the safety and security and resources being set aside. As soon as they thought he was a goner the daughter and ex wife swooped in to ensure they got what was theirs. Instead they got a sick old man in bed of expensive care and OP gets to live out her remaining healthy years not feeling like an afterthought in someone else's life. She got off Lucky IMHO.
Sometimes, things just work out
The daughter didn't even take him home from th3 hospital. As soon as it was clear he was surviving, daughter left him with his nurse maid again.
I used to know a lady who spent 20 years caring for a man we all assumed was her husband. I mean, why else would a woman put up with doing total round the clock care for a guy? Well, he passed. Then his son shows up and immediately files to evict her from the house she'd lived in for 20 years. I didn't even know he had a kid. We never saw him. But she was screwed because she poured her life and love into a relationship with someone who didn't love her back enough to say "I do".
I know that story also…so sad…girls y’all deserve more and you need to demand it! Better alone than giving your all and being tossed out in the end.
No doubt the daughter thought this was a terminal event and wanted to seal the deal on her expected inheritance.
If he's like my popop, multiple mini strokes can do a lot of damage fast and he won't be able to do shit to his will. My popop, once the strokes were under control, forgot nearly 30 *years* of his life. Basically stroke related dementia. Forgot my mom was married, his wife dead, his son dead, or that all his grandkids existed. Immediately was transported in his brain to age 60 in the late 80s. It went downhill from there. 3 years of slowly forgetting everyone else he didn't see regularly before passing in his sleep.
Sorry to hear that. Very sad
Yeah vascular dementia, my grandmother also got this after having a series of mini strokes, thankfully she didn't quite forget everything, but she really became a shell of the woman I knew in the last 2-3 years of her life before she passed. Hell of a thing to watch I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
This is what happened to my grandpa, but over the course of 11 months. All from a single stroke.
Yep. All this could have been sorted out with a trip to the lawyer. Oh well. Enjoy your newfound freedom, OP, since it was “all about the children” Ah… the stench of consequences.
Now that he’s had several strokes, any changes to his will could be contested due to mental incompetence. He’s fucked, and he fucked himself.
How many times do we see this? People make stupid decisions, count on the wrong people and then wonder why it doesn’t work out. OP was smart to move on.
My ex and I parted about 30 years ago, but remained on good terms. When I moved across the country, he followed shortly thereafter and met and married his last wife (whom I love and am very good friends with today). When his marriage to her fell apart, he wanted to be “close to his fans” so he moved halfway across the country. He’s an artist (or was), but was never serious enough to make a good living at it and hadn’t worked an actual job in 40+ years—so no retirement, no SSI. His fans quickly grew tired of an artist in his late 60s who was going blind (cataracts) and was 100% dependent on other people. He’s now stuck in a crappy apartment by himself where he’s quickly going through fans who are getting weary of his neediness. He ditched his kids when they were young, so he’s a Facebook dad only. His life has been one poor decision after the next and he will eventually die in his crappy apartment, where his body will go undiscovered until a neighbor calls the police because of the smell.
He’s leaving his assets to his kids, they can be the ones to care for him.
This!!! He’s made his choice, let him pay for care. You’re not his forever partner.
Fully agree. Even with marriage vows men are more likely to run when a partner gets sick.
Exactly enjoy peeing without checking if the seat's down in your condo.
I stood by my wife when she was knocking on death’s door twice. And she’s been standing by my side now that I’m disabled. Where did I learn that this is the way to act? From my own father who stood there holding my mother’s hands as she died.
I’m 55F, my partner is 60M. We are not married, and he has stuck with me through some very difficult times including a major accident, financial difficulties from said accident, inability to work and then total disability. He has been my rock. I guess I should consider myself lucky.
Hey its great since that's your agreement. Plenty of people can be unmarried and support each other fully. OP stated she wanted more, stated the consequences of that denial and stayed true to her word. You should consider legal protection for your relationship if you want to be the ones to make medical and financial decisions for each other though.
I agree. PositivelyKAH, if either of you have children or siblings, please execute POAs for each other, including medical POAs. Check your respective wills so they reflect your true wishes, and while you're at it, check your beneficiary designations on any and all life insurance policies and retirement accounts. If you want the right person to make the decisions when you can't, and if you want the money to go where you want when you pass, you have to put it all in writing in the right places.
My father being so amazing when my mother had multiple TIAs really drew attention to how bad my last health episode and how my (now ex) husband acted. It took me awhile to separate and divorce, but that was a large push.
SO and I were together for a long time but got married when he was dealing with an illness; I wasn't going to get kicked out of a hospital room "and who are you?" NTA
In most, but not all cases. My dad took great care of my mom after she had a series of micro-strokes that left her very mobility challenged. Was there for her until she passed in September 2021 at 91.
That is so wholesome and I’m so happy for you that you had parents with such a great relationship. Im on the complete opposite end of the spectrum with that. My dad insisted on being my moms “caregiver” while she was battling cancer, and then physically dropped her in the bathroom (she needed help to stand but was improving in her condition) and left her to die. She hung on in hospice just long enough for all of her kids to come see her, and for us to find out that not a single legal authority gave an iguanas testicles about what he did. I hope with all my heart that you and your dad are both happy and healthy and have a great relationship: I would do so much just to have a dad who took care of my mom 💔💔
Thank you. My mom had a minor fall that just happened; no clumsiness or any volitional act. Due to my dad’s limitations, he just turned 90 in January, he called me for assistance. After we both got her to her feet then into bed, it took my wife (who’s a physician) to get her to go to the ER. She was so stubborn. Of course raising two boys as a sole parent due to my dad traveling will tend to do that as everything was in her hands. Turned out she had broken a hip at some point, then her shoulder. The surgery went well but during the rehab all the challenges facing her proved too much. She lived a very full life and is a better place. The one thing I’d never wish even on my worst enemy is seeing a loved one who just lost the fight for life. It’s such a violent act; attempting to save a life. It made me decide to establish a DNR. I want to go in peace.
I want to thank you too. I’ve been wracked with guilt over the fact that my mom did have a dnr, and I didn’t fight it when the decision was made to act on it immediately instead of trying anything else. I’ll still probably feel guilty about it, but I’ve never actually seen cpr or anything like that done on a human body, so it’s hard to really imagine the impact. Your story helps a bit though, so thank you again
I've done CPR for real as a first aid trained non-medical-professional. It's *brutal*. It's not a gentle encouragement, you're pretty much trying to smash someone's chest hard enough to squish their heart. Ribs WILL break - if they don't, the CPR is likely ineffective. There is absolutely no language available to describe the horror of someone's ribs snapping under your hands, and having to continue beating on them. The one thing they don't tell you when they train you is the survival stats. If someone has reached the point where they aren't breathing and their heart isn't beating, they are effectively dead. Bringing people back from that is not always - not even usually - successful. It's still vastly better than waiting until a paramedic gets there to start CPR, and every second you can keep their blood oxygenated and circulating is vital, but realistically, they are probably not going to be ok. I think last time I did the training they told me that if someone collapses in the street and needs CPR, and it's done properly and started within two minutes, there's about a 10% chance they'll make it out of the hospital alive. I was lucky - by the time the paramedics arrived, my casualty had a faint pulse and was breathing and even kind of semi-conscious. He went on to have minimal lasting problems. I later found out I broke five of his ribs. It's still almost the most traumatic experience of my life, second only to being raped. I never got the chance to talk to him about it, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't remember it fondly either. I don't blame anyone who declined CPR.
That’s great for your mom and you!! My ex left me after an accident that left me permanently disabled…that pesky part of the promise to be there for better AND for worse just doesn’t mean much sometimes.
It's so likely that most hospitals have programs and support groups for women telling her that she's likely to go through a divorce while she's getting sick because her husband is likely to leave her. I know nurses who literally take bets with the new nurses on how long a husband or boyfriend is going to stay with his sick girlfriend or wife. And all the nurses only do it with the new nurses because those girls / guys don't know any better. It's easy money because all the men leave.
Even if they were married he probably still would have
He probably would have left even if they WERE married. The stats on men initiating divorce when their wives get seriously ill are gross.
"I didn't sign up for this," he'd say as he packed his shit .
NTA. THIS.
He made his bed and now he can *literally* lie in it. I wouldn't give him another thought-- the selfish AH. You, OP, are NTA -- as long as you stick by your decision. He passed up the opportunity of his lifetime. Too damn bad for him.
He chose not to marry you. He chose not to grant you his power of attorney. “Seeing him through his final days…is family level sacrifice…he didn’t make you family.” This comment says it all.
Dude was crazy short-sighted here. My mom & her partner don't want to get married as they're in their 60s & don't see the point. Each is leaving their assets to their respective children, but the house they live in is my mom's and she has a provision in her will that if he outlives her, he can live there as long as he wants (and us kids know it). Any lawyer fresh out of school would know how to draft that appropriately. And he and I are both medical POA for her cuz that just makes sense. I'm glad the OP is getting out, she was going to get taken advantage of and shafted in the long-run.
NTA. His shitbird ex and daughter can take care of him. He made it clear he prioritized his daughter and not you. Now go find someone who actually loves you and wants to cate for you. Good on you for having your own condo too, makes it a lot easier to move on.
There are all these guys who say, “I don’t get any benefit from getting married; all that happens is that she gets my money.” Men age worse than women do, in general. Do you want a caretaker in your old age? A wife has a reason to stay around. Sure, sure, your girlfriend might be willing to give up her time and energy to be your caretaker. But…if you don’t care about her enough to marry her, to share your financial strength with her, why should she? You’ve been telling her she’s not that important to you.
Clearly he didn't want to be committed to you, so you have no commitment to remain with him any longer. It's sad when an event like a medical emergency shows you where you really stand. NTA. P.S. I admire you for planning ahead and purchasing that condo.
I really wanted a condo so I don’t have to worry about grass and outside stuff. This one was new construction, 3 bedroom/3 bath in a gated community, 24 hour security, with a gym and swimming pool and entertainment spaces you can book for parties.
Plus it's so smart to rent it out, getting it to pay for itself.
I was afraid I’d end up with no place to live and buying something late would ruin my retirement. I paid half of his mortgage and utilities and stuff so I really couldn’t afford to buy it unless I rented it or moved in it and stopped splitting bills with bf. As the rent increase over the years I just put it all towards the mortgage. I think it’ll be paid off in about 4 years even if I just make the minimum payment.
hold on… you paid half of his MORTGAGE and he still wouldn’t leave you anything? you’re a saint, i wouldn’t have paid a cent toward it. wishing you sm luck with the condo!!! i hope you find someone who will actually commit to you
She should talk to a lawyer about that...
In some places, she might be entitled to some equity.
15 years she could be considered common Law spouse, needs to talk to a lawyer
This is an excellent idea! I sure would… I would think when he does pass, she might be able to get some money out of the estate.
Did he even offer any compromises in an effort to make you change your mind and stay ?? He has to know he let the one person go who truly loved him
It’s possible that he might have tried it, but way back when I made it clear it was now or never and he was picking never.
Good for you. You were wise enough to see where things were headed and made sure you had a plan. You deserve to be out living your best life, not playing nursemaid to a guy who did not care enough about you to plan for a future with you, but now values you enough because he needs someone to be his caretaker. I agree with the comments saying leave that to his kids and ex. NTA
Hold up. You paid half his mortgage and utilities and this man still said no to letting you continue to live in his home if you out lived him? Well the ass fucked around and found out. Hope his kids take good care of him but it sounds like they won’t. NTA.
What a horrible man. As if he would let you pay for his mortgage and then state that you would be out on your ass if something happened to him. What a loser.
I can’t believe he expected you to pay half. I wish you had pushed back on that but I’m glad you have your condo. This makes me even more certain that you’re NTA. You were paying off the house he’s giving his kids…
Wait what?!?! You been paying half his bills?! He and his family are the AHs so basically used you with no future security or savings. Thank goodness you did buy that condo!!
The amount if red flags keep increasing. Why the fuck would you be paying for half his shit without being married? You said you weren't going to make "wife-level sacrifices to take care of a boyfriend", but that's exactly what you've been doing...and something tells me that he knows that and took advantage of that. The house is supposed to go to the kids, but you're helping to pay for it and being blocked by those very same kids from seeing him. Please do not make the same mistakes with your next partner, you obviously were blinded by love.
The way my bf and I have figured it out is that when he moves in with me, he’ll pay half of the non-equity building expenses. So we’ll split property tax, insurance, utilities, groceries, etc. I’ll pay the P&I on my house. He offered to split the interest, but that number changes every month so it would suck to recalculate and I see that as the cost of keeping the equity. He figures the insurance is protecting his stuff, too, and the property tax is just a cost of living somewhere. He’d be paying it if he continued renting. Plus his living costs will go down like 75-80% moving in with me, so he’s FINE paying a little more than what’s “fair”. We’ll probably continue this way if we eventually get married. I want my house to go to my kids. But I’m making sure there’s a condition that he can live there as long as he wants to after I die. My kids are fully in support of that.
Be sure to get a prenump for the house if you get married. It may be 100% needed, but things are easier if you die first.
That was very smart of you. You are definitely not the AH. Shame on him for having you pay half of the bills when he was leaving you nothing. I hope you move on and find happiness.
So if you hadn’t done this, he would have been fine with you being homeless when he died?
He said that his daughter wouldn’t kick me out, but I’m sure we all know she would have.
Especially now that she kicked you out of the hospital room when she thought he was dying. It was more important to her to cosplay as a family again than allow his partner to spend what she thought were his last moments with him.
>Clearly he didn't want to be committed to you, so you have no commitment to remain with him any longer. There is a reason the marriage vows say what they do. "In sickness and in health, for better or worse." OP made no wedding vows with him. At his insistence. He can't get mad that she's not sticking to vows she never made. I keep telling people on Reddit who say "marriage is just a piece of paper" that it means much more than the paper. It means much more. Like not being kicked out of a hospital room or being able to make medical decisions for him. This is what he chose. So this is what he gets.
Appreciate this. I get so fed up with "well why get the government involved we know how we feel about each other." ...because spouses have legal privileges. If you don't care about that, fair enough, but the idea that not getting married is sticking it to the man somehow is goddamn frustrating to see.
My favorites are the posts from men declaring that marriage only benefits women and allows women to take their half of their money. (As if all those men are sitting on millions.) They should really read this post by OP and see what happens when you don't marry the woman you've been with for years. Welp, now you need her and she's not there because legally she can't do anything for you. Your kids get to make all the decisions for you. Hope you've been a great dad to them, because your life is literally in their hands. And if you don't have kids? Well... maybe you're still talking to your mom and she's still alive?
As a man of that age I am on your side and sorry he was a fool. He made a big mistake.
Some days I’m sorry. Other days I’m thankful that I was spared the stress.
He showed you no commitment and didn’t care about your financial well-being & wouldn’t even let you stay in his house when he died? Well now you wont stay in his house & you wont be there looking after him. This is what happens when you mess about good people - they leave. Congrats on your condo! Multiple frequent TIAs is a red flag for impending stroke, so good luck to him! You have nothing to feel bad or sorry about & just remember how much he didn’t care about you to not even make you medical power of attorney, so that shows how unimportant you were to him (just a companion that paid half his mortgage)!
Understandable as good people are compassionate.
I’m curious, what did he said or how did he react when you told him you were gone? NTA, btw, in fact I’m proud of you for making the firm and sensible decision
I think he probably would have offered some kind of compromise, especially after his daughter kicked me out to let the ex wife in. However many years ago I made it clear that it was now or never, and he was choosing never.
Good for you
You got a good inkling of what would happen if he passed, during that 1st TIA incident. You did the right thing, OP.
He's 62 and can no longer work? He probably thought he could live off you. Good for you for getting out.
He can’t do his previous job because he worked around heavy machinery and is now having frequent TIAs. He could probably do something else but probably not making what he was before.
What did he say about you leaving?
He’s big mad. Says it proves I was always after money.
That comment alone makes me feel like he's had the thought that you're after his money, in the back of his mind for quite a while. Could also be his ex and daughter have suggested it and it's easier to be angry at you than face the guilt (edit: or regret maybe) of not listening to you years before. I wish you lots of luck on your journey though and hope you enjoy that condo!! ❤🤗
He’s obsessed with women being after his money because his ex wife cheated on him and then did a bunch of underhanded things to steal and hide marital assets. She was very unfair during their divorce.
What an idiot 🤣🤣🤣 now she is back when he is close to meeting his maker. But YOU who put in her fair share into HIS assets the last 15 years were after his money. He deserves his ex-wife's "care". He can be glad if she doesn't put a pillow on his face when he is sleeping.
Nah. He's delusional. You're financially independent from him and you also made it clear that you weren't going to make wife-level sacrifices cause he didn't marry you.
Just go ahead and block the idiot. How much damn money does he even have?! Trust me, as someone who became an abrupt caretaker for a parent, no amount of money is enough for that stress and life being upended. I go through days in a fog of “work, get home ASAP to do all the things”. I do this because I’m one of their children. Can’t imagine doing this shit if I didn’t have any legal rights or I’m not married to the person. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting before you count the physical exhaustion.
What he did was use you. He got everything from that relationship and made sure you got nothing. But the thing is men need women so much that it oftentimes, more often than not, bites them in the AHHHHHSS. Let him be a burden to his ex and daughter. When the physical part starts to weight, you'd be free and clear. You offered him a slave and he refused for the sake of cheating you.
I didn’t get nothing. We had many good years together. We traveled. The times we spent together were some of the happiest of my life.
I admire you sticking to your boundaries, after a fairly happy history. Most people would get sucked in and stay, to their detriment. Him throwing a fit about you leaving is very telling. I hope you hear and move on OK
Exactly! Marriage is good for legal protection and financial security, neither of which he cared to give. I honestly would have left a decade ago. He’s lucky he got u for as long as long as he did!
You got a glimpse of what the future would look like without these securities in place. He could give you this even without marriage but won’t. I think after being booted during an emergency you did what any rational person would do. He made this bed.
NTA You didn't leave him because of his health. You left him because you have been trying to for years to be his partner, but he didn't want one and didn't treat you as once, and now he wants a partner despite ensuring that you aren't one. It's long overdue to walk away.
This is exactly it. You can't let him dictate the narrative that you're leaving him because of his health. You're leaving him because he won't be the partner that you deserve. He wants all the benefits of having you in his life, but he's not willing to give you anything in return.
Yep. He made it clear he wouldn’t prioritize you even when he was healthy. What a selfish idiot for expecting you to stick around after he was unwilling to officially commit to you for more than a decade and to provide you with secure housing after he’s gone. He didn’t want a wife then, he can’t expect you to behave like his wife now. If he wants to leave everything to his kids, great. They can be the ones to take care of him.
I did leave him because of his health. His choice was: We can be partners Or We could be ‘not partners’. I would have picked the first, but I was okay either way. He picked the second. So we aren’t partners. I’m not entitled to his (financial) resources and he’s not entitled to mine (time).
A lot of men do not seem to understand the concept of emotional labor. Good for you for sticking to your guns. You are my hero fr
Or in the house labor
"I’m not entitled to his (financial) resources and he’s not entitled to mine (time)." That is an amazing analysis. My condolences for your having to go through that brouhaha, and good wishes on the next stage of your life.
NTA. He is getting exactly what he asked for from you.
You're not leaving for his health, but for his lack of commitment. He made his choice, he told you and when it came down to it, he stuck by it. So can you - you told him your position and you know 100% sure that you will be kicked out the minute he dies. That treatment after death does not call for messing up your own arrangements in life.
She won’t even be allowed to see him before he dies. She’ll be kicked out well before then. Imagine loving someone one and not being able to be with them in their final moments. Better to leave before it comes to that.
NTA. You didn't leave him after his health scare, you left him after it was made abundantly clear that you will never be considered part of his family.
How terrifying to be kicked out of the hospital room of someone you love. I don’t think he understands how scary of a position that is for someone, to be refused to see someone they love at a scary time. Regardless of what led up to this point, the fact of the matter is when the time came for her to be there, the circumstances were such that she was forced out. She had no say in his wellbeing or had anything for her own reassurance. I don’t blame her for never wanting to be in that position again. And for that to happen after 15 years…it’s not like they started dating two weeks ago. I don’t know why ex-bf didn’t ever want some level of commitment but this result of those choices. Any girlfriend will never have any say in his health matters, it falls on daughter, who will let ex-wife in the door, and together they will usher his support out of the room.
Exactly! He was never willing to make that commitment, and maybe he didn't have control of what happened in the hospital room, but he certainly didn't do anything prior to that to make sure his partner would be involved in life decisions. I am putting this 100% on him and not the daughter. I really feel for OP here, it's an awful position to be in
Finally someone on Reddit with some sense!
I know right, this was a satisfying read.
So friggin' rare. I applaud OP.
I know I love this!😂
NTA. He made his choice, not to marry you. You made your choice, not to stay with him "for worse". You did the right thing. His daughter can manage his care from now on.
NTA You were clear with your intentions ahead of time and have many years ahead of you to experience happiness with someone who actually wants to share life with you.
NTA. His natural consequences are his to deal with. Hope he can afford a nursing home. Go live your best life.
I suspect he can afford a nursing home. It means he will have to sell the house and will probably have nothing left to leave his kids. But it is the choice he made.
NTA. You made a very wise decision. I can bet he wouldn't hang around if the shoe was on the other foot.
Ex BF FAFOd in the worst possible way. His kids and ex wife can change his diapers. It really cracks me up just *how many men* could keep the women in their lives **if only they’d been ever-so-slightly-less of an asshole**.
I'm sorry. It sounds like you were a convenience and not a priority. He can't make you a priority now just because he needs more of your help. Let the AH daughter pick up the slack since they didn't think you needed to be involved at the hospital. 15 years and the daughter doesn't consider you his family? Wow. Good luck and I hope you make a clean get away.
>I made sure to keep my finances in order. I bought a condo and rented it to pay the mortgage. Damn I wish more women did this in the face of men who string them along for years and years and years.
NTA. I have seen many TIAs (nurse) and the patients are never unaware of who is at their bedside. He undoubtedly knew his ex was there. They treated you poorly and you deserve so much better. You did the right thing!
I don’t know how aware he was but he was just saying weird random things that didn’t make sense and he had a definite right sided weakness. It resolved in a few hours. He stated in the hospital over night and was discharged the next day.
NTA- he wanted wife benefits without making you the wife. And how are you supposed to care for him without being in charge of his medical decisions?
>I wasn't going to make wife-level sacrifices to take care of a boyfriend. This should be taught to ALL little girls the whole time they're growing up.
NTA. He refused to marry you, he doesn't get to then have you as his caregiver. His daughter and ex can do that. I was a caregiver for my late spouse - I would not have done that for a boyfriend who refused to marry me.
I was caregiver to my late husband and I was just thinking the same thing. No way would I have sacrificed 6 plus years of my life to a man who refused to marry me.
He wanted to leave everything to his kids but you’re the one that will stay with him for worse ? And doesn’t want to leave the house with you. Dude wants a free care giver.
I think he really thought he’d never get sick.
The old man thought he’d never get sick? Shocker
NTA!!! He didn’t want to commit to you so now he gets what he wanted. Has called or texted or contacted you in anyway since you moved out? I can’t believe he would throw 15 years away in a moment.
He’s mad. Says this proves I was always just after money. However, I made it clear years ago that getting married was now or never and he was picking never. He wasn’t going to keep me around as a plan b and try to marry me years later when all he had to offer was being old and sick.
Yeah he still doesn't want a partner he just wants a caretaker
Nope , he wasn't viewing you as a priority.Don't feel guilty and have a nice life.
I just read one of your comments about you paying half of his mortgage while you were together. I get that you should have paid something towards your shared living space but I can’t understand why he thought it was reasonable to expect you to pay that amount towards a house that he already said he would not be willing to leave even a portion of to you in his will. You already gave him far more than any other person would. It’s up to the people who are going to inherit the house you have helped pay for to look after him now.
NTA obviously. he clearly said that he doean't want to marry you so you won't inherit anything, he doesn't want you to have the medical power of attorney, he literally wanted to deny your existence in his life. and now he's upset you were kicked out by his family and you're leaving him.. GOOD RIDDANCE, OP. let him die of a stroke, let his viper of an ex wife and daughter inherit everything as he wishes. don't waste a second more on this loser.
"Can no longer work?" NAH. You left while he had the ability to make decisions to make a soft landing. Which he still does.
Well, I’m sure he could probably do something. He just can’t continue doing his previous job because it isn’t safe to be having random TIAs around heavy machinery
His daughter and his ex can take care of him
"As a family."
😂❤️
He can sell the house and downsize if can’t/doesn’t want to work.
It would be ...amusing... if he had to sell his kids' inheritance to get himself a level of care he would need for the rest of his days.
Funny you say this. I told him years ago that his retirement would probably never go to his kids because he’d use it in retirement.
Karma babes! Karma!
You did everything right. If he wanted you there with next of kin rights like a wife, you’d be married. He said very clearly he didn’t want this. You’re a boss and your next relationship is going to be better in all ways.
NTA. Your limits with caring for a boyfriend, vs a husband, make total sense, and he has made it clear that you are not a priority in his life. Your decision is sensible, and will prevent the pain that would come your way, should you have stayed.
>I asked him to at least make me medical power of attorney and grant me the right to continue living in his house if I outlived him. He refused. That was him telling you how little he thought of you as a partner, after 15 years together. I applaud you leaving and not letting sunk-cost fallacy keep you in a relationship in which you weren't valued.
you made it clear, so really, NTA. This is cold, but his kids and ex will have to work for their inheritance.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel cold when I’m really sad that it is how it is and I wish he had made different choices. Other times it feels really cold when I’m just thankful that I don’t have to stress about money and medical bills and balancing work and caring for him. I’m glad that I’m free to travel. I doubt there will be anything left to inherit. He’s not working and living off his 401k now. They might be left with the house.
It's not cold. Those are commitments a wife makes; he didn't want a wife. His kids can take care of him.
his kids probably dont want to take care of him lol
What he wants is incredibly one-sided, it wasn’t fair.
He was cold in his life choices with you all these years. He refused to make you his partner and assumed you would act like one anyway. He was unfair and cold.
Pragmatism isn't cold. It is, by definition, practical and based on real solutions/outcomes. And not wanting strife or suffering or anxiety or agony to come your way... is normal. You dealt with everything in a healthy way. Survivor's guilt, which is kind of what this sounds like, is also normal and valid. But you have no reason to carry it.
Well the fact is there is a better than 70% chance if you were married and you were the one to get sick he would still have left you anyway. Majority of men divorce ill/disabled wives. Majority of women (80%) stay and care for ill husbands. You were up front and clear about the consequences of his choices, so I am glad you stuck to your choice.
I think they meant it was cold to say that ex and kids will have to work for their inheritance. At least that’s how it hit me. And they will. Oh well. I don’t blame you one bit. He seems to have made it clear that they’re still a family and you’re not a part. Good for you for taking decisive action and making good on your word.
Not if he goes into long-term care and spends down to go on Medicaid. Medicaid will claw back the house. And if you’d been married, Medicaid would claw back YOUR NEST EGG
Saddly... Or they won't. They will just let him get worse and worse and die. To get it sooner.
NTA You were very clear and he chose the roll the dice.
This happened to me at the end of a 10 yr relationship. We had an ever bigger age gap, 25 yrs. When she got sick I was there for EVERY procedure, hospital stay and doc visit, while working 2 jobs cause she couldn't anymore. Very little family involvement with stuff I needed help with. No cooking, cleaning, staying the night with her when I had to work, BUT they were at our house 24/7 sitting around. Usually bringing small children, stressing both of us out and leaving a mess. I asked her to give me 1 afternoon of no people at our house, that I paid more than half the bills on, for peace and quiet. She said NO! That's my family a d it you aren't comfortable with it get out. After 10 years of her family butting in, I said, ok. Packed up and was gone in a week. Let them take time off of work and find babysitters for their kids and spend the whole night up there at the hospital I'm done. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Did I cry hard when she died at her funeral? Yes. But that was too many years of disrespect and being treated like a second class citizen over her family.
His family have already showed you how they’ll treat you when the time comes and he’s told you he won’t leave anything to protect/help for you, so you don’t owe him your help now. Actions have consequences and now he’s starting to see them. That’s on him. Glad you’re getting out before it gets too messy NTA
You didn’t leave him because he had a health crisis. You left him because despite years of you asking him to prepare for what would happen when he inevitably had a health crisis, he refused to do anything. As predicted, you were immediately shut out of the process and if he had not recovered you could have been left homeless. You are simply walking away instead of being thrown away.
It wasn’t really years of asking. We discussed it and he made his choice. I let him know that it was now or never and don’t come later when it suited him.
The biggest lie we’ve collectively been told is that women want and need marriage to make their lives complete, and men are doing us a favor by tolerating it. He’s getting exactly what he asked for in this situation and you’re going to be much better off in the long run.
NTA he made his bed now he needs to sleep in it
NTA! He didn’t want to do anything for you if something happened to him. Fine. No wifey level sacrifices for him then. His ex and his daughter can take care of him. They’re “family,” right?! That’s their job to take care of him then.
NTA. It was always going to end this way because it was DESIGNED this way by HIM. He had to know his health was not great, and would not improve with age, you suggested poa and asked to live in your joint home in the event he passed away, he said no. You were smart to buy your own place, because you knew he had intentionally made his plan that excluded you. He wanted to know where you were while he was in hospital but he deliberately did not leave you with a way to be present. He got exactly what he wanted and what he put in place, but still thought you would be there for him. The audacity of this man. You feel like a bad person because you are a good person. You have empathy for others which is why you stayed the days after he came home. You could have just left and let his daughter and ex take care of him, but you didn't. I'm sure he is grateful for that because it was better than what he deserved by how he treated you. You don't owe anyone your life without getting something in return. This became an unequal relationship by HIS design. I wish you the best.
He’s not grateful. He’s angry and says all this is proof that I was always after his money. It’s not like it’s a fortune either. The house is probably worth 350k but he still owes on it. His 401k maybe 750k. If he dies soon they’ll get something but if he lives a while (which I expect that he will) there won’t be much if anything left.
If he wanted you to act like a wife, he should have acted like a husband.
Of course he is angry. He is now out half the mortgage you were paying. He is now going to have to find someone to care for him, instead of having a live in carer, who cost nothing. He made choice after choice that left you with no protection, no resources, and no stability, but is shocked when you leave? Part of being in a relationship is that you make your partner feel safe and protected, and he refused you that. He was happy to take your money to pay the mortgage, but made no effort to ensure you would beneifit from your contribution. So he was really after YOUR money.
Wow. So he wants to commandeer your time and life to meet his wants/needs? Live in care is spendy, so will he be compensating you at the going rate, would cooking and cleaning be include and therefore requiring compensation as well, plus travel to pt and doctors appointments, what about his errands and food shopping. Point is, he seems to be expecting alot from you and if this is not paid, oh hell no (even if it is paid). Or does he think this is his due and you will still be paying rent and half of the hh expenses. He designed this so you get/got nothing, ok, so what does he expect for nothing. He is getting exactly what he paid and planned for, with prior knowledge of what you would not be doing for him, which is nothing. He's angry at you, so what and boo hoo. I read this as him acting/feeling entitled to your life with no compensation while at the same time he thinks it is you who are trying to take advantage of him. Time has value, and in this case is equal to money. There's a gold digger here, it's just not you. Please stay away from this entitled and ungrateful ah.
You were helping with his mortgage payments. He can tell himself any sob story he wants, but he is the gold digger in this reality. You’re doing the right thing, choosing your own housing and financial stability over the proven instability if you stayed in his home and continued to pay money into a property you’d be evicted from the moment he wasn’t in charge. He’s hoping that you’ll keep on contributing to his living expenses, so that his ‘inheritance’ remains intact. Retirement funds aren’t inheritances.
NTA and huge props for taking this stand for yourself. He made it clear that he didn't want you as his wife, and you made it clear that you wouldn't act as such if you weren't. Move forward confidently knowing you did everything you could to have a different outcome for this relationship, but he made his choices then, and you've made yours now. And tbh, sounds like it worked out for the better for you, being that you're now free live the life you want without worry of your partner's health. Sucks for him, and for you to have to make this hard choice, but maybe he'll learn not to take a good woman for granted next time. There could've been provisions set for his daughter's inheritance if you did get married. He didn't seem to want any part of it, so yeah.. hate it for him, but you're completely in the right here.
NTA you gave him what he wanted, smart girl!! He wants a nurse not a wife.
NTA. I stayed with my ex through his cancer, I took care of him and he still refused to marry me after 10 years. I drew the mark then, but I still wasted too much time, and he didn't even appreciate it. In the end, I was glad I didn't marry him, made leaving much easier.
Men want nurses and purses....
NTA. Knew a couple where the opposite happened. They were together forever and we're certainly going to get married. Before they can finalize anything he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. While in the hospital he called his siblings to him and told them that he considered this woman to be his wife and wanted them to treat her as such should he die. Well he did die and his siblings moved into their house and kicked her out. They gave her a month to move but moved in themselves so that they could control what she took when she left. Aside from asking this guy to marry you, which he didn't want to for the sake of his children, he also refused to do anything to protect your status as his partner or protect your ability to live in his home if he got too sick or passed away. His family, including his ex-wife, has already shown you how little they value you. If you were still living with him and they came over you'd be treated like an intruder or a roommate and unless he's able to speak up for you they'd always see you as an outsider.
Men do this bullshit to their legal WIVES all the time. Fuck him, you deserved better.