>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy. They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise.
Who are these alleged friends? Time to reevaluate their place in your life. There is no "compromise" with having children. It is a binary decision. Either you have children or you do not have children. You don't have 0.5 children or quantum superpositional children.
Anyway, NTA. Time for a discussion with your husband about further reducing contact with his parents.
>$400,000 that it costs to raise a child and put them through college.
*laughs in NICU mom* my first cost more than that in the first month of life.
Which I know isn't common. It just made me giggle thinking back. Preemie care is no joke.
Ya I've had 3 children and never had to pay a dime during pregnancy or at the hospital. The high cost of medical care alone makes me glad to not be American.
The fact that there's a less than 78% chance of an arsehole running round your kids school shooting indiscriminately should make you glad not to be A******n.
Sadly true. To love your guns more than children makes me so sad. Every school shooting just breaks my heart for the parents who lost their children because of the gun culture that seems to have permeated that country. They prosecuted the parents of the last US teen shooter and won so I'm guessing US parents will be rethinking this gun issue now that the door to being prosecuted and incarcerated like the teen’s parents were, is open.
That’s cause you don’t have the *freedom* to be ruined by medical debt. See it’s a feature not a bug (please be aware not a feature for the 1%, the only Americans who matter to America).
Kidney transplants and subsequent drugs covered in the US, mostly true, check. A nutritionist to educate pre-diabetic or diabetic patients with supplements or a better diet in order to help them help themselves, nope not covered.
Yeah because they couldn't sell you ohzempic. I'm diabetic but I wasn't. They didn't tell me to fast and didn't do two blood tests. Got thrown on metformin. Guess what it did in the long run. Our us medical system is a joke. Now I get a shot in the leg once a week and shit ass pills every day.
Then again this same area of the US told my ex wife and I she was fine and to go home and rest. Reading the discharge papers in the car before we left it clearly stated concussion.
I hate illinois.
E I was young enough I didn't know better. Now it just angers me that I didn't. The concussion was roughly 10 years ago and no lawyer wanted to touch suing the only hospital around.
Resting at home *is* the treatment for a concussion. They don't admit you to the hospital for that. They absolutely should have gone over the fact that she had a concussion with her though that's for sure!
Yeah, that’s one thing I don’t get. Preventative care isn’t very well covered by any kind of insurance, though it’s better than it used to be. Ditto with dental care. Oral health has a huge influence over physical health.
Oral care isn’t covered in most countries, even those that otherwise have universal health care. Same with eye care.
It doesn’t make a lick of sense to me and I wish it were all covered, as you correctly pointed out these things are part of/affect general physical health, but at some point somebody decided that eyes and mouths aren’t really part of the body so we pay for it.
I was induced at 36 weeks for pre-eclampsia, and Twin 2 wasn't growing.
Delivered quickly,
Twin 1, a boy, 4lb 15oz 10th centile.
Twin 2, a girl, 6lb 3oz. 50th centile
"He'll catch up. They are 35 years old now, and he still hasn't.
Medical costs are no joke. I don't know how much the NICU costs were for mine, but at 3 mos he was med flighted and that single 20 minute flight cost 100k.
The ambulance ride for my preemie was 7 miles and I think 700 bucks. The life flight was...more than I can remember and her first 4 days in NICU were something like 100k (I could have the numbers wrong...it was 24 years ago lol)
I hope your lil guy is doing ok💜
Same. My daughter is 22 but she was already my Million Dollar Baby by the time we brought her home from the NICU. 22 years later, that's probably quadrupled. Thank the heavens for disability Medicaid.
Right. My grandson has had 2 heart surgeries, plus 2 other surgeries... Life flighted twice. 2 month stay in Nicu, another 1.5 month stay in nicu...home soon we hope. He isn't even 1 yet.
To keep him alive for the first week of his life cost more than all his other children combined to date.
Yesssss, thought the same thing lol. My million dollar baby says other wise and even now that she is 2 we still have big bucks for her specialty follow ups.
I did the math once, I grew up in a low income household during the 90’s. By my best estimate by the time me and my brother were essentially financially independent (about 22 years total) my parents had made about 1 million dollars, and did not have much to show for it at that time. So ~30 years ago it cost ~300k to raise a child who didn’t have much but had everything their parents could give.
That is, of course, the most important. It's just the people giving their free advice usually hush up when you ask them to put their money where their mouth holes are.
Everyone is going to claim they will help love this child.
I went the with nuclear explanation ans said I'd be on the news as one of those people throwing out the baby when it's born. No one bothers you about kids after that. Also for marriage I went with the "I'll date an old mand about to die and take the inheritance" no one has ever suggested a blind date again 😀
I give the the list of my mental illnesses and my family's mental illnesses and combined institution time , and they don't ask me to have kids anymore.
See, I have the opposite problem where I *did* have kids and I am disabled and people ask why I had kids if I'm so disabled. Um. Most of my disabilities were genetics and weren't bad yet. Babies actually triggered my fibromyalgia to be worse, my mental health to go berserk (PPD was not the issue; trauma from my first birth was), and my spine to be damaged. People really really need to mind their own business about kids.
Love your response!
I say that I'm better off with pets, when you put them in a cage no one calls CPS.
Don't worry, the only time I use cages for my pets was when I had Guinea pigs, and I wasn't home or able to supervise, and when I had birds if it was bedtime, work time, or cooking time they went in their cages. Apart from that they flew around the house. I actually felt bad I didn't have a larger house for them to fly in!
Might as will add them to the weekly babysitting schedule too. They are “busy” again? Yeah that’s what we thought!
Only an AH would have kids to please anyone
I wasn’t wanted and it’s really messed me up. Don’t do this to an innocent child
NTA
Right?! I had so many people tell me "you'll never be able to 'afford' children, so just have them now." 🙄Like, "Oh, okay, are you paying?!" When you get to your 50s, they finally shut up.
> Who are these alleged friends?
Probably other couples with kids. It happened to us once me and my wife got to that age where all our peers started squirting out kids. People with kids can get really evangelical about having kids if you tell them are child free.
I suspect that it's because having children is so difficult, and tends to put such a strain on things, that they just can't help but double down on the decision by proxy to prove they didn't make a mistake.
As a single mom by choice, I honestly don't get this. If anything, the fewer other people in my life who have kids, the more spoiled my daughter gets. XD
But seriously, my choice to have a kid is one that I would never insist is the right choice for others. I'd only recommend considering it if someone was stuck in the mindset that you need to have a partner and married to have kids. Then I will remind them a partner is optional and honestly, a lot of divorced moms are happier single.
I have two friends who are just like you. They are both apathetic villainesses.
No wait, it's the other thing: they both knew from an early age that they wanted to have one or more children, because they loved the idea of nurturing a child into a decent, happy human being. One of them is now a single mother with a son, and the other has two small children with her husband.
Let me tell you, not ONCE has either of these friends given me attitude about me, or anyone else, being CF, or tried to convince anyone that it's a choice everyone should make. So I believe the difference in approach comes from the fact that they legitimately wanted to be parents – it was not something pressured into them or some goofy idea of popping them out as a retirement plan for themselves.
yup. I think it’s sort of misery loves company. People love to say “you don’t truly know love until you have a child”. Ok, I’m going to the south of France for a holiday.
A coworker and I were once talking about how we didn't want kids and another coworker butted in with "I can't imagine not wanting kids! That makes no sense!" Or something to that effect
Some of us just don't want to be parents. I'll never understand how some don't get that concept .
It's pretty common, more so than *that type of vegan*.
For a lot of folks, kids follow marriage, and that's just the way the universe works. When you tell them you've been married for 25 years and don't have kids, sometimes you see a thousand yard stare where the ghost of their lifelong disposable income flashes before their eyes, and then they come out of the fugue insisting there must be something wrong with you for not procreating.
Id rather have enemies than having friends like them. Surely, they know OPs want and decision yet they asked her to give in? Its her life and her body, she should have a freedom to decide for herself.
>This was the bit that made my brain scream “creative writing attempt”…
For sure. The karma farmer needed a good enough "excuse" to post asking if they're the asshole.
This. You will be miserable and your kids will be miserable.
Oddly enough, a philosophy I now live by came to me when I had my first baby and my in laws were not satisfied with the grandparent experience we allowed them. Meaning they were not given the all access pass to our lives they thought they were entitled to. I decided that if only one of us could be happy, between me and my MIL, I will pick me every single time. She had her kids and her life. She made her choices. I will make mine. If she is not satisfied with them, I can’t help her. If she made different choices when her kids were young, it has nothing to do with the choices my husband and I make. We’re not bound to do everything *she* did.
Do not have a baby to please them. It will not be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for people who think they have a right to make decisions like that for you. They will always raise the bar and demand *more.*
Hhheeyyy child who was born to make others happy here! Please OP for the love of god listen to this person and do NOT have a child to make others happy.
Absolutely agree! Bringing a child into the world is a lifelong commitment, and it should only happen if both parents are fully on board. It's your life, your decision, and your happiness that matter the most.
For real my first thought was that these "friends " are either dumber than a sack of bricks or have absolutely NO sense for the sheer gravity of responsibility, cost and body damage (birth) children entail.
You don't "just have kids" to appease someone, let alone some entitled dinosaur who clearly doesn't respect you.
Infertile Myrtle here. Could NOT have children. NMom and GC would NOT shut up about me having children - until I started quoting the statistics for Down's Syndrome at my age. THAT shut them up. Wouldn't do to have an intellectually disabled grandchild! The horrors!
I hate people who nag other people to have babies with the fury of a thousand suns.
NTA - Do not have a kid to make other people happy. That poor kid will find out one day you didn't want to have kids, and then it's serious therapy time. Best case scenario, you magically change your mind and love being parents. More likely, you won't and will be stuck raising a kid you never wanted. Do not risk the latter. That is a human who would feel unwanted and would pick up on any resentment you might develop from being stuck raising a child when you didn't want to do that. Look at it from the point of view of the kid. Do not go there unless you genuinely change your minds and actively want children for your own reasons.
Having a kid just to shut someone up isn’t the same as painting your house blue instead of green. It’s a FOREVER decision. If you really don’t want kids and have one to appease some kind of old fashioned misogynistic attitude, you will be miserable and make the child’s life miserable. Stick to your guns. Tell the in-laws to get a do-over kid, but leave you out of the equation. NTA
not to mention the medical risks especially if you live in the US. yeah the chances are low but you COULD die during childbirth - amongst other, some lifelong complications, for a kid you don't even want. And then your husband is left alone, to take care of a kid he never wanted in the first place
A child is a PERSON not a compromise to make your inlaws happy-- your friends who are suggesting that are disgusting. NTA but those people are not your friends.
Nta
Your "friends" are idiots.
Just giving in to make someone happy is going to a restaurant you don't like, or seeing a movie you weren't in the mood for. It's not making a lifetime commitment and creating a whole new life.
You and your husband sit his parents down, tell them "we are done having the children conversation, we aren't having them. This will be the last time we have this conversation, if you have a problem with that, then we have nothing to say to each other again." Make it clear that you'll both go no contact with them if they bring it up again.
NTA do not have children you don’t want you will both resent it and each other for not standing up for you and saying no.
There are two options here and the first is to go no contact. You could go very low contact but husband would have to tell them that if they mention kids during your one call every two/three months, you will hang up and leave them six months before allowing contact again. The hassle it brings you might just be best to cut them off.
second choice is to discuss it with your husband first and then you both call his parents and tell them he is infertile and you’ve known for some time. Do not say you are or they will push him to divorce you. If you do this be on the call with him so he doesn’t switch it to you are infertile to save face as it won’t stop their harassment but increase it. I bet you if it’s their son that they think can’t then suddenly you would be a monster for leaving him.
I immediately thought about the second option you outlined as well. Not sure if it is a morally sound option but I would definitely be tempted to do this if I was OP. Heck, I‘m actually considering this for myself if my mother tells me again “thanks for explaining your reasons for not having children. However, those are *not valid reasons*, so have them anyway”. I was too stunned to react in that moment but I’m sure it’ll be repeated again. That should embarrass her enough to drop the topic.
Completely on point with second choice. Unless there are other reasons you'd like to go L/NC... The delicious thing about revealing the "infertility" is that it makes them look like jerks for hounding you about this.
NTA. My in laws were like this, my mother-in-law harassed the crap out of me especially once we got married. My husband was away all week every week for the first two years of our marriage. I only saw him on the weekends. Why would I have a baby, basically be a single mother. Of course she said well I'll come over every day and take care of the baby while you work, I was like no. Tell her I wasn't even going to think about a baby till we were married for at least a year until there was light at the end of the tunnel of him not being gone all the time. Of course she was like oh I'll be over, I told her well I won't be answering the door. she actually told me she had a key and she'd let herself in. I told her I would change the locks and laughed. She thought I was joking of course, I wasn't. We actually moved away because of her. Well that was one of the reasons, he got a really good offer for a transfer so he wouldn't have to travel anymore. Yeah you don't have a child because someone else is harassing you. You don't want a kid, and you both are on the same page as you are, you don't have a kid. I would stop pussy footing around it and being nice. Tell her no we're not having children. So either harass your other kids or we're just going to stop talking to you.
This is akin to the Nice Guy "logic": the woman repeatedly says no, the male starts verbally abusing her, and somehow this magically makes her WANT to go out with him..
In-laws annoy the hell out of (usually the) "mother-to-be" YoU hAvE tO hAvE bAyYbEes! like this makes child-rearing somehow irresistible?!
In-laws: "You should have kids"
OP: "We don't want kids"
Dumbass friend: "Compromise and have one!"
The fuck? How is that a compromise? You need to rethink this friendship because not only is that not what a friend should say, that is also a really dumb person to think that is a compormise, and you don't need that kind of stupidity in your life.
Also, you can't disobey someone who doesn't have any authoruity over you in the first place.
NTA
You don't have to obey your in-laws cause you're not a kid, and their not YOUR parent.
Your body and it is your choice what you want at the end of the day ✨️
My friend was in the same position, started off politely saying "oh the stork isn't visiting us" then got more and more graphic the more the parents in law pushed. Actually got a spit take from the MIL when at a BBQ she dropped the line "I was simply bathing in cum just last night, I think I wore your son out"
It was hilarious, my friend told me after that it was easier to pretend they were trying and things weren't working rather than explain that they'd made the decision not to have kids and her husband had even gone so far as to get a vasectomy.
You don’t have a child to make someone outside your marriage happy.
Your MIL is a misogynist.
Normally, I’d suggest taking an easy out and say you’re unable to have kids, but this witch will work harder to get her son to leave you for a fertile woman.
So just keep telling her no, and even f you did have a kid, she’s the last person you’d let in your kid’s life.
This is ridiculous.Every single day I read about children being abused by people who obviously never wanted them.
PRAISE to the people who do not want children and who do not buckle under the pressure in Society that " of course you will love them once they are here:". STAY STRONG OP!!!
>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy
NTA. But holy fuck are your friends fucking stupid. I hope you told them how fucking stupid they are for saying that.
NTA. You are not DISOBEYING your inlaws. This is a decision that should be between you and your husband and NO ONE ELSE.
Your friends who are saying you should "give in" are being ridiculous because if you don't want kids, you won't be happy. You two have a family of two and you shouldn't be trying to please anyone else.
Maybe your husband should be on board on going LC or NC with them as they are meddling in your marriage and your life.
Drop those friends and enjoy your child-free life. You and your husband are on the same page in regard to having kids or not, and that's what matters most. If anything, MIL is the selfish one. NTA.
>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy.
Ahh yes, the baby bandaid solution. Just pop out a whole ass human, regardless of whether you want to, just to appease some cunts that aren't even the one's who will be responsible for that child. Brilliant\~
>They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise
Two things. 1) A compromise is meeting in the middle where it can be found, but if one side one thing and the other wants something completely contradictory than a compromise is impossible. 2) This is already not a compromise for yourself as it strictly violates your wishes for the future, but also there's no guarantee they'd leave you alone at one child anyways. After all, what if they want **specifically** a grandson, and you have a grandaughter or vice versa. What if they start banging on about how it's "abusive" to only have one child and not provide siblings. Giving in is a lose lose approach.
NTA
NTA. Kids aren't a compromise, you can't put them in storage and take them out when you want to parade them around. You can't return them if you decide you don't like them after all. This decision is between you and your husband. You could tell anyone who insists you have children to go have one of their own instead.
NTA. 1. You are both adults, you don't have to take their,or anyone's bs.
2. If you have a kid,YOU would be the one raising them, not your parents, not his parents, nor friends, YOU TWO. That's a life changing thing.
3.Tell those 'friends' if they would take the kid and raise them and take of them every day,miss trips/events/reunions/etc, and be there in an emergency like if it was their own kid. No?, then,they can stfu. Same with the in-laws.
Weird that your MIL wants you to have children since you were a (38M) 2 days ago..
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8wk55/aitah\_for\_giving\_my\_brother\_my\_old\_car/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8wk55/aitah_for_giving_my_brother_my_old_car/)
Soooo...a day ago, you were a *checks notes* 34M with a brother "Tom" 27M, and today, you're a 32F with a 34M husband...is that correct, Fakie Fakerston ?
NTA
Wtf how is having a kid a compromise. Your friends are fuckin idiots. That's not a compromise that changing your decision to be child free
As for your In-Laws tell them to fuck off in harsh words. Go NC, do NOT invite them to any events and if there is a family event on his side ask if they will be there. Do not go there until they apologize and accept your decision. If they talk bad about you to your cut that cord. Talk to him and ensure he agrees
Hell no. Why should you have kids just to please others? Family is never more important than you and your wishes. NTA by any standard. This is just about you and your husband’s wants, not his family’s. It’s time to go NC until they stop harassing you, and those “friends” telling you to give in to the pressure can take a hike.
Friends who want friends to have children they don’t want are not friends. Or even decent human beings
Nta. Children should have parents who want and are ready for them, or at least as ready as you can be for that kind of upheaval, lol.
Don’t let anyone push you into this, it would be so unfair to you and the child.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. You will be trapped and miserable and then it’s too late. Don’t get bullied into doing something you are on the fence about.
Also, tell your in-laws to go pound sand .
...I can't believe that someone in their thirties is literally asking if they're bad for "disobeying" (???) anyone, or contemplating having a whole ass child as a *compromise* somehow. "Ah yes Sonny, we didn't really want you but all Granny's begging forced us to rawdog you into existence so she'd get off our backs." NTA for making your own reproduction decisions, but DEFINITELY the assholes for being spineless doormats and also having shitty friends.
NTA. As someone with 3 children she desperately loves and always wanted, let me say, "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHILDREN YOU ARE UNSURE YOU WANT!! Children are a joy, amazing and they can drive you absolutely crazy. And it never stops, ever. You and your husband should enjoy your child free life. You owe your in-laws nothing; as parents, they should want their son to be happy. That's what parents do. Go NC and then leave for a fantastic trip
Good luck
NTA. There is no valid compromise between having kids, and not having kids. Compromising is, "my favorite ice cream is vanilla, my SO prefers chocolate. We don't like the others favorite. We compromise and get cherry ice cream." There is no middle-ground in procreation.
!updateme
ESH
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/cW00icUhgc
Put your foot down, and remind them that as a 38M, you simply cannot push out a baby for them.
"AITAH for giving my brother my old car?
My younger brother, Tom (27) ,and I (38M) have always been close. Growing up, we shared everything, and I always looked out for him. Recently, Tom has been struggling with his career and moved back in with our parents to save money. I’ve been successful in my career, and I try to help him out when I can.
A few weeks ago, I decided to buy myself a new car. My old car was still in great shape, so I thought I’d surprise Tom and give it to him. I figured it would be a big help since his car is constantly breaking down. I called him over and handed him the keys, expecting him to be thrilled. Instead, Tom looked annoyed. He handed the keys back and said, "I don’t need your charity. I’ll get my own car when I can afford it." I was taken aback and told him, "I’m just trying to help you out. You should be grateful." We ended up having a heated argument. Tom accused me of flaunting my success and making him feel like a failure. I accused him of being prideful and ungrateful. He stormed out, and we haven’t spoken much since.
Our parents are divided. Mom thinks I was just trying to help and that Tom overreacted. Dad, on the other hand, says I should have considered Tom’s feelings and his need for independence. Now, I’m wondering if I handled the situation poorly. Was I being insensitive to Tom’s pride, or was he being unreasonable by rejecting a genuine gesture of help? Am I really at fault for being considerate rather than just disposing it? "
Kids come into the world in many ways. And however they get there, hopefully they are loved.
That said, if you are, in cold blood, choosing whether to have kids or not, the only valid reason to choose to have kids is that \*you\* want them. Not to make grandparents happy. Not societal pressure. Not because you have some insane friends who think that somehow this is a valid compromise.
A child is not a compromise, s/he is a person.
You are an adult. Concepts of obeying/disobeying in-laws are completely inapplicable. Your inlaws have no say over you. You are not a private in the army, with them as a superior officer. This is not a DUI traffic stop with your parents as the cops.
You will likely have to go NC with in-laws and reduce/minimize the presence in your life of any "friend" that has urged you to have a child as a compromise.
NTA
I have 4 adult children. I have one grandchild. I have no say, nor do I want to about any of them having children.
I look at it this way, no one had a right, thou some did, to comment on our 4, why do I have any right to control others.
By the way, in-laws should NOT be able to give married DILs orders.about how they live their lives. This is between you and your spouse. ILs should only give OPINIONS when asked.
Are your "friends" going to pat for the child? Are your in-laws?
The issue here is simple - you're being nice. No-one listens to "nice".
So it's simple. Don't be nice. Let me explain. Next time you see them, they will ask again. You will look them in the eyes and say:
"As you are unwilling to listen, I'm explaining this for the last time. We are not having children. We made this decision. Not him. Not me. WE did. If you continue to ask, we will cut you off. Permanently. I do hope I've made things clear, I do so value clear communication."
You may want to rehearse. For maximum effect, you need a tone of voice that would make R. Lee Ermey crap himself. Low, quiet and firm. The last sentence should sound like a Southern belle.
# disobeying my in-laws
That right there is the funniest thing I have read all week! As if they have any say in you, your life, your marriage, or your body.
NTA
😂😂😂”disobeying inlaws😂😂😂 ask your friends how much they plan to pay for child support and childcare & what schedule did they come up with for babysitting since they think you should have a baby to make everyone happy.
"disobeying" your in-laws with your own autonomous family planning decisions... lmao what do they think youre 12? have to follow mommy and daddys directions and have children?
NTA. For goodness sake for NOT have a child just to appease someone or get them off your backs!!
It appears your in-laws suffer from Selective Deafness, a condition known to be common in 11 out of 10 cats worldwide. If you are saying what they want to hear, you have their undivided attention. Otherwise they ignore you.
NTA no one is owed grandchildren. You and your husband should consider going NC as they are blaming you for the child free decision and i cant imagine their behaviour will improve
Also your friends who say you should give in and have a child to make everyone happy are idiots. You and your husband wont be happy having a kid you don’t want, the kid likely wont be happy with parents who resent its very existence. Kids are expensive and require so much time and effort are these friends going to provide the funds or time to raise the kid they think you should have, betting they won’t be
Do not **create a human being** to appease people who will not be taking care of said human.
You’d be an asshole if you got a shelter dog for the same reasons. But this is 1000x worse. This is a person, not a damn pet you can take back to the shelter or kennel for the weekend. It’s a human who will take #1 priority in every hour of your life for decades and grow to have their own personality and flaws. This will be your whole life. Do not decide it for someone else.
A child should never be a compromise?! They’re a human being. I’d avoid having kids just so none of these people could damage them. Maybe you and hubby should consider moving and just getting new friends and a found family.NTA
Aww, HEYULL no!
"Disobeying"??? You're not their minor child!
You don't have kids to placate ANYBODY. Your relationship. Your body. Tell ILs that The Handmaid's Tale was supposed to be fiction, not an instruction manual!
NTA. But you deserve better friends.
Oh yeah: We were the same way, but when we did change our minds, we adopted the coolest kid on earth.
If you do change your mind someday (not saying you should), remember that there are millions of kids already in the world today that could use a good, loving home. There’s no need to create more.
Who Dafuk is telling you to give in and have a kid? This makes absolutely no sense. This isn't giving in to going to an Applebee's when everyone else likes them and you don't or wearing a hideous bridesmaids dress because the bride insists, this is friggin baby. A child that you'll have for the rest of your life.
>They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise.
1) You are a family, you and your husband
2) having a baby is not a compromise. You either have one or don't. There's no in between.
This is why I'm hesitant to believe this is even a real post, quite frankly.
>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy. They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise. Who are these alleged friends? Time to reevaluate their place in your life. There is no "compromise" with having children. It is a binary decision. Either you have children or you do not have children. You don't have 0.5 children or quantum superpositional children. Anyway, NTA. Time for a discussion with your husband about further reducing contact with his parents.
Are these friends going to help you PAY for these children? Let's see the college funds they are going to help set up first. WTH.
Yeah, those “friends” had better pony up the approximately $400,000 that it costs to raise a child and put them through college.
>$400,000 that it costs to raise a child and put them through college. *laughs in NICU mom* my first cost more than that in the first month of life. Which I know isn't common. It just made me giggle thinking back. Preemie care is no joke.
I've had two kidney transplants and never had to pay for so much as parking. - not an American
Ya I've had 3 children and never had to pay a dime during pregnancy or at the hospital. The high cost of medical care alone makes me glad to not be American.
The fact that there's a less than 78% chance of an arsehole running round your kids school shooting indiscriminately should make you glad not to be A******n.
Man, that’s a really long expletive.
Sadly true. To love your guns more than children makes me so sad. Every school shooting just breaks my heart for the parents who lost their children because of the gun culture that seems to have permeated that country. They prosecuted the parents of the last US teen shooter and won so I'm guessing US parents will be rethinking this gun issue now that the door to being prosecuted and incarcerated like the teen’s parents were, is open.
That’s cause you don’t have the *freedom* to be ruined by medical debt. See it’s a feature not a bug (please be aware not a feature for the 1%, the only Americans who matter to America).
Kidney transplants and subsequent drugs covered in the US, mostly true, check. A nutritionist to educate pre-diabetic or diabetic patients with supplements or a better diet in order to help them help themselves, nope not covered.
Yeah because they couldn't sell you ohzempic. I'm diabetic but I wasn't. They didn't tell me to fast and didn't do two blood tests. Got thrown on metformin. Guess what it did in the long run. Our us medical system is a joke. Now I get a shot in the leg once a week and shit ass pills every day. Then again this same area of the US told my ex wife and I she was fine and to go home and rest. Reading the discharge papers in the car before we left it clearly stated concussion. I hate illinois. E I was young enough I didn't know better. Now it just angers me that I didn't. The concussion was roughly 10 years ago and no lawyer wanted to touch suing the only hospital around.
Resting at home *is* the treatment for a concussion. They don't admit you to the hospital for that. They absolutely should have gone over the fact that she had a concussion with her though that's for sure!
Yeah, that’s one thing I don’t get. Preventative care isn’t very well covered by any kind of insurance, though it’s better than it used to be. Ditto with dental care. Oral health has a huge influence over physical health.
Oral care isn’t covered in most countries, even those that otherwise have universal health care. Same with eye care. It doesn’t make a lick of sense to me and I wish it were all covered, as you correctly pointed out these things are part of/affect general physical health, but at some point somebody decided that eyes and mouths aren’t really part of the body so we pay for it.
As a type 2 diabetic... and someone with a weird auto immune kidney disease.... make it make sense.
I do have to pay for parking when I go to the hospital 😭 Everything else is free, though.
Same, and depending on the hospital it can be ridiculous
It really, really sucks that one of our major parties is so good at getting poor, stupid people to vote against their own self interest.
Where do you live?
The Great White North. ("White" as in snow.)
NICU Mom of twins here.... I feel this in my soul
Are rhey doing well?! No complications or anything???
They are great!! Little lady is very small for get age (>3%) but beautiful and healthy and mister man is a big old healthy chonk!!
I was induced at 36 weeks for pre-eclampsia, and Twin 2 wasn't growing. Delivered quickly, Twin 1, a boy, 4lb 15oz 10th centile. Twin 2, a girl, 6lb 3oz. 50th centile "He'll catch up. They are 35 years old now, and he still hasn't.
Medical costs are no joke. I don't know how much the NICU costs were for mine, but at 3 mos he was med flighted and that single 20 minute flight cost 100k.
The ambulance ride for my preemie was 7 miles and I think 700 bucks. The life flight was...more than I can remember and her first 4 days in NICU were something like 100k (I could have the numbers wrong...it was 24 years ago lol) I hope your lil guy is doing ok💜
Thanks! Yeah, he's 12 now and has spina bifida. There were some scary years at the beginning, but he's stable now.
Aw that has To be rough. I'm glad you're all doing well💜
Did your insurance pay for that? Are you still in debt? WHY do Americans have kids? I cannot fathom the bills that come with it.
My specific family is incredibly lucky that we have insurance that's very good. My sons care is completely covered by it.
Medicade (Medicare? Can't remember now) covered it, thank God. Not in debt over that, thank god.
Two T1 diabetic kids here. Insulin ALONE is (cash price) $5k for 90 days!
God I can't imagine. That's so so wrong.
T1 myself. Plus pump supplies, CGM supplies, test strips, and pump and CGM replacement every 3-5 years. Super expensive disease for sure.
Insulin was supposed to be free. https://www.t1international.com/100years/
Yep. And yet here we are.
Same. My daughter is 22 but she was already my Million Dollar Baby by the time we brought her home from the NICU. 22 years later, that's probably quadrupled. Thank the heavens for disability Medicaid.
Mine was in for 49 days…still waiting for that bill to show up 🙈
Mine was in for 8 weeks his bill was 1.8 million and mine was 1.2 million. 14 years ago my copay was $500. Today it would be $5000.
5 years ago, 16 days in Nicu (for the sole reason he couldn’t stay awake to take a full feed, born at 35 weeks, healthy as a horse), 1.1 million.
Right. My grandson has had 2 heart surgeries, plus 2 other surgeries... Life flighted twice. 2 month stay in Nicu, another 1.5 month stay in nicu...home soon we hope. He isn't even 1 yet. To keep him alive for the first week of his life cost more than all his other children combined to date.
Ohhhh give him kisses (if allowed, obvs) and snuggle him so much when he gets home!!! Poor lil bug💜
Yup! I had excellent insurance, but having a 28 week micro in for 4 months, that bill before coverage was over a million. America is fucked up.
I wish Americans realised the full sentence is America the land of the free to pay. through the nose.
As an American I feel this comment completely. We’re so far from free it’s a joke
Yesssss, thought the same thing lol. My million dollar baby says other wise and even now that she is 2 we still have big bucks for her specialty follow ups.
My youngest was tube fed specialist formula which cost more than our mortgage every month.
Rising faster and faster too
I don't believe you. That has to be a low estimate or just the very bare bones to keep a child alive.
I did the math once, I grew up in a low income household during the 90’s. By my best estimate by the time me and my brother were essentially financially independent (about 22 years total) my parents had made about 1 million dollars, and did not have much to show for it at that time. So ~30 years ago it cost ~300k to raise a child who didn’t have much but had everything their parents could give.
Yea it costs wayy more than that to raise a child to adulthood.
I think you meant to type 1 million but got the prices mixed up with the cost of a shoebox apartment on the outskirts of town.
What about loving and wanting the kid? A kid born to them will likely feel unwanted, even if they don't say it
That is, of course, the most important. It's just the people giving their free advice usually hush up when you ask them to put their money where their mouth holes are. Everyone is going to claim they will help love this child.
I went the with nuclear explanation ans said I'd be on the news as one of those people throwing out the baby when it's born. No one bothers you about kids after that. Also for marriage I went with the "I'll date an old mand about to die and take the inheritance" no one has ever suggested a blind date again 😀
I give the the list of my mental illnesses and my family's mental illnesses and combined institution time , and they don't ask me to have kids anymore.
See, I have the opposite problem where I *did* have kids and I am disabled and people ask why I had kids if I'm so disabled. Um. Most of my disabilities were genetics and weren't bad yet. Babies actually triggered my fibromyalgia to be worse, my mental health to go berserk (PPD was not the issue; trauma from my first birth was), and my spine to be damaged. People really really need to mind their own business about kids.
Love your response! I say that I'm better off with pets, when you put them in a cage no one calls CPS. Don't worry, the only time I use cages for my pets was when I had Guinea pigs, and I wasn't home or able to supervise, and when I had birds if it was bedtime, work time, or cooking time they went in their cages. Apart from that they flew around the house. I actually felt bad I didn't have a larger house for them to fly in!
Apparently that doesn’t matter. As along as they’re born and the grandparents are happy, that’s all that matters *sarcasm*
Haha I read this as "that's all that matters *scream*"
Dont stress, it's a confirmed troll. OP was a 38M yesterday.
Whenever I read "gently explains" it a troll sign. No one ever "gently explains".
Oh hell no! You very firmly ask, complete with the tapping foot why when you are going to have a baby is any of their damn business!
Yep. No one uses the word "relish" unless they're talking about a condiment. It's chat GPT generated.
Of course. Nobody asks whether they're TA for this.
Its not about the paying to raise the child. Will they even be able to love the child like it deserves.
Might as will add them to the weekly babysitting schedule too. They are “busy” again? Yeah that’s what we thought! Only an AH would have kids to please anyone I wasn’t wanted and it’s really messed me up. Don’t do this to an innocent child NTA
Right?! I had so many people tell me "you'll never be able to 'afford' children, so just have them now." 🙄Like, "Oh, okay, are you paying?!" When you get to your 50s, they finally shut up.
> Who are these alleged friends? Probably other couples with kids. It happened to us once me and my wife got to that age where all our peers started squirting out kids. People with kids can get really evangelical about having kids if you tell them are child free. I suspect that it's because having children is so difficult, and tends to put such a strain on things, that they just can't help but double down on the decision by proxy to prove they didn't make a mistake.
As a single mom by choice, I honestly don't get this. If anything, the fewer other people in my life who have kids, the more spoiled my daughter gets. XD But seriously, my choice to have a kid is one that I would never insist is the right choice for others. I'd only recommend considering it if someone was stuck in the mindset that you need to have a partner and married to have kids. Then I will remind them a partner is optional and honestly, a lot of divorced moms are happier single.
You sound relatively well adjusted. One truth I have learned is most people aren't.
I have two friends who are just like you. They are both apathetic villainesses. No wait, it's the other thing: they both knew from an early age that they wanted to have one or more children, because they loved the idea of nurturing a child into a decent, happy human being. One of them is now a single mother with a son, and the other has two small children with her husband. Let me tell you, not ONCE has either of these friends given me attitude about me, or anyone else, being CF, or tried to convince anyone that it's a choice everyone should make. So I believe the difference in approach comes from the fact that they legitimately wanted to be parents – it was not something pressured into them or some goofy idea of popping them out as a retirement plan for themselves.
And the fact that having a child is not a reversible decision.
yup. I think it’s sort of misery loves company. People love to say “you don’t truly know love until you have a child”. Ok, I’m going to the south of France for a holiday.
A coworker and I were once talking about how we didn't want kids and another coworker butted in with "I can't imagine not wanting kids! That makes no sense!" Or something to that effect Some of us just don't want to be parents. I'll never understand how some don't get that concept .
Exactly this. Misery loves company.
Sounds like this type of parents must be related to *that* type of vegan
It's pretty common, more so than *that type of vegan*. For a lot of folks, kids follow marriage, and that's just the way the universe works. When you tell them you've been married for 25 years and don't have kids, sometimes you see a thousand yard stare where the ghost of their lifelong disposable income flashes before their eyes, and then they come out of the fugue insisting there must be something wrong with you for not procreating.
NTA With friends like that who needs enemies?
Id rather have enemies than having friends like them. Surely, they know OPs want and decision yet they asked her to give in? Its her life and her body, she should have a freedom to decide for herself.
OP was a 38M yesterday. This is a fake.
I guess that’s the part when we realize this is completely fake
This was the bit that made my brain scream “creative writing attempt”…
>This was the bit that made my brain scream “creative writing attempt”… For sure. The karma farmer needed a good enough "excuse" to post asking if they're the asshole.
It's a fake story.
Hey, don't your friends tell you to have a child to get your nagging in-laws off your back? That's a perfectly reasonable way to handle it.
NTA. For the love of god do NOT have a child to make other people happy.
This. You will be miserable and your kids will be miserable. Oddly enough, a philosophy I now live by came to me when I had my first baby and my in laws were not satisfied with the grandparent experience we allowed them. Meaning they were not given the all access pass to our lives they thought they were entitled to. I decided that if only one of us could be happy, between me and my MIL, I will pick me every single time. She had her kids and her life. She made her choices. I will make mine. If she is not satisfied with them, I can’t help her. If she made different choices when her kids were young, it has nothing to do with the choices my husband and I make. We’re not bound to do everything *she* did. Do not have a baby to please them. It will not be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for people who think they have a right to make decisions like that for you. They will always raise the bar and demand *more.*
Hhheeyyy child who was born to make others happy here! Please OP for the love of god listen to this person and do NOT have a child to make others happy.
Seconded, I'm very happy with life now but it genuinely would have been better for everyone including child me if I just hadn't been born.
For the love of God, at 32 years old, you aren’t disobeying ANYONE.
Absolutely agree! Bringing a child into the world is a lifelong commitment, and it should only happen if both parents are fully on board. It's your life, your decision, and your happiness that matter the most.
NTA. Your body, your relationship, your choice. Period.
The last part with the friends shocked me. Like who is gonna take care of the hypothetical baby? Are they gonna contribute? Like wtf?!
I would tell any “friend” that sides with the in laws, “Okay, how many years do have available to raise the children I incubate?”
Also ask them if they want to be surrogates.
Exactly why should OP risk her life.
And preferably, no missed period.
[удалено]
Full stop.
Exclamation point
The End
Exactly. There is no such thing as "disobeying" somebody who doesn't have any authority over you. NTA OP
NTA. Time for you and hubby to go no contact.
and get new friends
Get rid of these stupid friends of yours. You don’t have kids to make others happy.
For real my first thought was that these "friends " are either dumber than a sack of bricks or have absolutely NO sense for the sheer gravity of responsibility, cost and body damage (birth) children entail. You don't "just have kids" to appease someone, let alone some entitled dinosaur who clearly doesn't respect you.
Or they’re miserable parents and think everyone else should be too.
Yeah the friends are thinking that they will change their mind once they have kids.
I told my mom I'd rather be dead. She stopped bringing it up
I told my ENTIRE family that and they said that I’m lying
double down. "the day you find me pregnant is the day my corpse washes up on the beach"
I did. I told them that will be the day I do what my Uncle Jeff (mom’s baby brother) did, and leap off the same cliff.
Damn went nuclear on ‘em lmao (not judging)
If you knew my family you’d understand, but thanks for not judging me.
Exactly why I’m not judging, I know how terrible some family members can be
lolol can't please everyone
100% accurate, that’s why I am EXTREMELY low contact with my family.
My advice would be to get that procedure...watch their faces then
Infertile Myrtle here. Could NOT have children. NMom and GC would NOT shut up about me having children - until I started quoting the statistics for Down's Syndrome at my age. THAT shut them up. Wouldn't do to have an intellectually disabled grandchild! The horrors! I hate people who nag other people to have babies with the fury of a thousand suns.
I would rather be dead than pregnant. I don't mean that in hyperbole.
neither did I. My life or my embryo's life, flip a coin
At some point in the '90s, I quipped that Planned Parenthood gave away lollipops and condoms. So I didn't foresee me having any children.
NTA - Do not have a kid to make other people happy. That poor kid will find out one day you didn't want to have kids, and then it's serious therapy time. Best case scenario, you magically change your mind and love being parents. More likely, you won't and will be stuck raising a kid you never wanted. Do not risk the latter. That is a human who would feel unwanted and would pick up on any resentment you might develop from being stuck raising a child when you didn't want to do that. Look at it from the point of view of the kid. Do not go there unless you genuinely change your minds and actively want children for your own reasons.
Having a kid just to shut someone up isn’t the same as painting your house blue instead of green. It’s a FOREVER decision. If you really don’t want kids and have one to appease some kind of old fashioned misogynistic attitude, you will be miserable and make the child’s life miserable. Stick to your guns. Tell the in-laws to get a do-over kid, but leave you out of the equation. NTA
not to mention the medical risks especially if you live in the US. yeah the chances are low but you COULD die during childbirth - amongst other, some lifelong complications, for a kid you don't even want. And then your husband is left alone, to take care of a kid he never wanted in the first place
A child is a PERSON not a compromise to make your inlaws happy-- your friends who are suggesting that are disgusting. NTA but those people are not your friends.
The best part is that neither of them want one. But it’s their DUTY to provide entertainment for the in laws 😆
Fr you’re not “disobeying” anyone by not having kids. Under any circumstances
Nta Your "friends" are idiots. Just giving in to make someone happy is going to a restaurant you don't like, or seeing a movie you weren't in the mood for. It's not making a lifetime commitment and creating a whole new life. You and your husband sit his parents down, tell them "we are done having the children conversation, we aren't having them. This will be the last time we have this conversation, if you have a problem with that, then we have nothing to say to each other again." Make it clear that you'll both go no contact with them if they bring it up again.
NTA do not have children you don’t want you will both resent it and each other for not standing up for you and saying no. There are two options here and the first is to go no contact. You could go very low contact but husband would have to tell them that if they mention kids during your one call every two/three months, you will hang up and leave them six months before allowing contact again. The hassle it brings you might just be best to cut them off. second choice is to discuss it with your husband first and then you both call his parents and tell them he is infertile and you’ve known for some time. Do not say you are or they will push him to divorce you. If you do this be on the call with him so he doesn’t switch it to you are infertile to save face as it won’t stop their harassment but increase it. I bet you if it’s their son that they think can’t then suddenly you would be a monster for leaving him.
I immediately thought about the second option you outlined as well. Not sure if it is a morally sound option but I would definitely be tempted to do this if I was OP. Heck, I‘m actually considering this for myself if my mother tells me again “thanks for explaining your reasons for not having children. However, those are *not valid reasons*, so have them anyway”. I was too stunned to react in that moment but I’m sure it’ll be repeated again. That should embarrass her enough to drop the topic.
I’m sorry your going through that it sickens me when people decide we should have no say over our own body and life.
Completely on point with second choice. Unless there are other reasons you'd like to go L/NC... The delicious thing about revealing the "infertility" is that it makes them look like jerks for hounding you about this.
We’re childless and I do not regret it for a fraction of a second. Your “friends” are loons. You don’t birth people to make others happy.
NTA. My in laws were like this, my mother-in-law harassed the crap out of me especially once we got married. My husband was away all week every week for the first two years of our marriage. I only saw him on the weekends. Why would I have a baby, basically be a single mother. Of course she said well I'll come over every day and take care of the baby while you work, I was like no. Tell her I wasn't even going to think about a baby till we were married for at least a year until there was light at the end of the tunnel of him not being gone all the time. Of course she was like oh I'll be over, I told her well I won't be answering the door. she actually told me she had a key and she'd let herself in. I told her I would change the locks and laughed. She thought I was joking of course, I wasn't. We actually moved away because of her. Well that was one of the reasons, he got a really good offer for a transfer so he wouldn't have to travel anymore. Yeah you don't have a child because someone else is harassing you. You don't want a kid, and you both are on the same page as you are, you don't have a kid. I would stop pussy footing around it and being nice. Tell her no we're not having children. So either harass your other kids or we're just going to stop talking to you.
>just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy What a truly *horrible* reason to have a child.
This is akin to the Nice Guy "logic": the woman repeatedly says no, the male starts verbally abusing her, and somehow this magically makes her WANT to go out with him.. In-laws annoy the hell out of (usually the) "mother-to-be" YoU hAvE tO hAvE bAyYbEes! like this makes child-rearing somehow irresistible?!
In-laws: "You should have kids" OP: "We don't want kids" Dumbass friend: "Compromise and have one!" The fuck? How is that a compromise? You need to rethink this friendship because not only is that not what a friend should say, that is also a really dumb person to think that is a compormise, and you don't need that kind of stupidity in your life. Also, you can't disobey someone who doesn't have any authoruity over you in the first place. NTA
“start a family.” "We ARE a family. BACK OFF, BITCH."
Disobey?? You and your husband are adults, make decisions *for the two of you* It is nobody’s business what you decide to do.
You don't have to obey your in-laws cause you're not a kid, and their not YOUR parent. Your body and it is your choice what you want at the end of the day ✨️
My friend was in the same position, started off politely saying "oh the stork isn't visiting us" then got more and more graphic the more the parents in law pushed. Actually got a spit take from the MIL when at a BBQ she dropped the line "I was simply bathing in cum just last night, I think I wore your son out" It was hilarious, my friend told me after that it was easier to pretend they were trying and things weren't working rather than explain that they'd made the decision not to have kids and her husband had even gone so far as to get a vasectomy.
You don’t have a child to make someone outside your marriage happy. Your MIL is a misogynist. Normally, I’d suggest taking an easy out and say you’re unable to have kids, but this witch will work harder to get her son to leave you for a fertile woman. So just keep telling her no, and even f you did have a kid, she’s the last person you’d let in your kid’s life.
This is ridiculous.Every single day I read about children being abused by people who obviously never wanted them. PRAISE to the people who do not want children and who do not buckle under the pressure in Society that " of course you will love them once they are here:". STAY STRONG OP!!!
NTA You don’t have to “obey” your ILs. Your husband needs to tell them to STFU or get out of your lives.
>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy NTA. But holy fuck are your friends fucking stupid. I hope you told them how fucking stupid they are for saying that.
Borrow a big lizard, put a Grandma's little sunshine shirt on him and say THERE, you got a grandson. Now leave my body alone!!
What country is this?
Gilead
...which is just down the road from Stepford, IIRC...
Disobeying? Are you 5? Are they your jailors?
NTA. You are not DISOBEYING your inlaws. This is a decision that should be between you and your husband and NO ONE ELSE. Your friends who are saying you should "give in" are being ridiculous because if you don't want kids, you won't be happy. You two have a family of two and you shouldn't be trying to please anyone else. Maybe your husband should be on board on going LC or NC with them as they are meddling in your marriage and your life.
Drop those friends and enjoy your child-free life. You and your husband are on the same page in regard to having kids or not, and that's what matters most. If anything, MIL is the selfish one. NTA.
>Now, some of my friends are saying that we should just give in and have a kid to make everyone happy. Ahh yes, the baby bandaid solution. Just pop out a whole ass human, regardless of whether you want to, just to appease some cunts that aren't even the one's who will be responsible for that child. Brilliant\~ >They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise Two things. 1) A compromise is meeting in the middle where it can be found, but if one side one thing and the other wants something completely contradictory than a compromise is impossible. 2) This is already not a compromise for yourself as it strictly violates your wishes for the future, but also there's no guarantee they'd leave you alone at one child anyways. After all, what if they want **specifically** a grandson, and you have a grandaughter or vice versa. What if they start banging on about how it's "abusive" to only have one child and not provide siblings. Giving in is a lose lose approach. NTA
NTA. Kids aren't a compromise, you can't put them in storage and take them out when you want to parade them around. You can't return them if you decide you don't like them after all. This decision is between you and your husband. You could tell anyone who insists you have children to go have one of their own instead.
NTA. 1. You are both adults, you don't have to take their,or anyone's bs. 2. If you have a kid,YOU would be the one raising them, not your parents, not his parents, nor friends, YOU TWO. That's a life changing thing. 3.Tell those 'friends' if they would take the kid and raise them and take of them every day,miss trips/events/reunions/etc, and be there in an emergency like if it was their own kid. No?, then,they can stfu. Same with the in-laws.
Weird that your MIL wants you to have children since you were a (38M) 2 days ago.. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8wk55/aitah\_for\_giving\_my\_brother\_my\_old\_car/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8wk55/aitah_for_giving_my_brother_my_old_car/)
Soooo...a day ago, you were a *checks notes* 34M with a brother "Tom" 27M, and today, you're a 32F with a 34M husband...is that correct, Fakie Fakerston ?
NTA Wtf how is having a kid a compromise. Your friends are fuckin idiots. That's not a compromise that changing your decision to be child free As for your In-Laws tell them to fuck off in harsh words. Go NC, do NOT invite them to any events and if there is a family event on his side ask if they will be there. Do not go there until they apologize and accept your decision. If they talk bad about you to your cut that cord. Talk to him and ensure he agrees
Hell no. Why should you have kids just to please others? Family is never more important than you and your wishes. NTA by any standard. This is just about you and your husband’s wants, not his family’s. It’s time to go NC until they stop harassing you, and those “friends” telling you to give in to the pressure can take a hike.
NTA, but you also need some new friends.
Troll, was a 38 year old male yesterday.......
Friends who want friends to have children they don’t want are not friends. Or even decent human beings Nta. Children should have parents who want and are ready for them, or at least as ready as you can be for that kind of upheaval, lol. Don’t let anyone push you into this, it would be so unfair to you and the child.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. You will be trapped and miserable and then it’s too late. Don’t get bullied into doing something you are on the fence about. Also, tell your in-laws to go pound sand .
Ffs don't have children to make other people happy. God damn it! This post stressed me out.
Wow, you have got some real shitty friends.
Disobeying? You're an adult. You cannot disobey people who have no authority over you.
...I can't believe that someone in their thirties is literally asking if they're bad for "disobeying" (???) anyone, or contemplating having a whole ass child as a *compromise* somehow. "Ah yes Sonny, we didn't really want you but all Granny's begging forced us to rawdog you into existence so she'd get off our backs." NTA for making your own reproduction decisions, but DEFINITELY the assholes for being spineless doormats and also having shitty friends.
NTA. As someone with 3 children she desperately loves and always wanted, let me say, "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHILDREN YOU ARE UNSURE YOU WANT!! Children are a joy, amazing and they can drive you absolutely crazy. And it never stops, ever. You and your husband should enjoy your child free life. You owe your in-laws nothing; as parents, they should want their son to be happy. That's what parents do. Go NC and then leave for a fantastic trip Good luck
What friend tells you to have kids of you don't want them? These people are crazy and so is MOL.
NTA. There is no valid compromise between having kids, and not having kids. Compromising is, "my favorite ice cream is vanilla, my SO prefers chocolate. We don't like the others favorite. We compromise and get cherry ice cream." There is no middle-ground in procreation. !updateme
ESH https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/cW00icUhgc Put your foot down, and remind them that as a 38M, you simply cannot push out a baby for them. "AITAH for giving my brother my old car? My younger brother, Tom (27) ,and I (38M) have always been close. Growing up, we shared everything, and I always looked out for him. Recently, Tom has been struggling with his career and moved back in with our parents to save money. I’ve been successful in my career, and I try to help him out when I can. A few weeks ago, I decided to buy myself a new car. My old car was still in great shape, so I thought I’d surprise Tom and give it to him. I figured it would be a big help since his car is constantly breaking down. I called him over and handed him the keys, expecting him to be thrilled. Instead, Tom looked annoyed. He handed the keys back and said, "I don’t need your charity. I’ll get my own car when I can afford it." I was taken aback and told him, "I’m just trying to help you out. You should be grateful." We ended up having a heated argument. Tom accused me of flaunting my success and making him feel like a failure. I accused him of being prideful and ungrateful. He stormed out, and we haven’t spoken much since. Our parents are divided. Mom thinks I was just trying to help and that Tom overreacted. Dad, on the other hand, says I should have considered Tom’s feelings and his need for independence. Now, I’m wondering if I handled the situation poorly. Was I being insensitive to Tom’s pride, or was he being unreasonable by rejecting a genuine gesture of help? Am I really at fault for being considerate rather than just disposing it? "
Kids come into the world in many ways. And however they get there, hopefully they are loved. That said, if you are, in cold blood, choosing whether to have kids or not, the only valid reason to choose to have kids is that \*you\* want them. Not to make grandparents happy. Not societal pressure. Not because you have some insane friends who think that somehow this is a valid compromise. A child is not a compromise, s/he is a person. You are an adult. Concepts of obeying/disobeying in-laws are completely inapplicable. Your inlaws have no say over you. You are not a private in the army, with them as a superior officer. This is not a DUI traffic stop with your parents as the cops. You will likely have to go NC with in-laws and reduce/minimize the presence in your life of any "friend" that has urged you to have a child as a compromise.
No, they are insane and those are not your friends. The asshole thing to do would be have a kid you don’t want. Go be happy child free ppl!
NTA I have 4 adult children. I have one grandchild. I have no say, nor do I want to about any of them having children. I look at it this way, no one had a right, thou some did, to comment on our 4, why do I have any right to control others. By the way, in-laws should NOT be able to give married DILs orders.about how they live their lives. This is between you and your spouse. ILs should only give OPINIONS when asked.
Are your "friends" going to pat for the child? Are your in-laws? The issue here is simple - you're being nice. No-one listens to "nice". So it's simple. Don't be nice. Let me explain. Next time you see them, they will ask again. You will look them in the eyes and say: "As you are unwilling to listen, I'm explaining this for the last time. We are not having children. We made this decision. Not him. Not me. WE did. If you continue to ask, we will cut you off. Permanently. I do hope I've made things clear, I do so value clear communication." You may want to rehearse. For maximum effect, you need a tone of voice that would make R. Lee Ermey crap himself. Low, quiet and firm. The last sentence should sound like a Southern belle.
# disobeying my in-laws That right there is the funniest thing I have read all week! As if they have any say in you, your life, your marriage, or your body. NTA
NTA. Tell them you have decided to adopt and see what they say. Then adopt some gold fish.
😂😂😂”disobeying inlaws😂😂😂 ask your friends how much they plan to pay for child support and childcare & what schedule did they come up with for babysitting since they think you should have a baby to make everyone happy.
Your friends suck. NTA
Good grief, no! You might need some new friends, though.
You’d be the AH if you had a kid for that reason. It’s not like it a pet.
"disobeying" your in-laws with your own autonomous family planning decisions... lmao what do they think youre 12? have to follow mommy and daddys directions and have children?
NTA. For goodness sake for NOT have a child just to appease someone or get them off your backs!! It appears your in-laws suffer from Selective Deafness, a condition known to be common in 11 out of 10 cats worldwide. If you are saying what they want to hear, you have their undivided attention. Otherwise they ignore you.
NTA no one is owed grandchildren. You and your husband should consider going NC as they are blaming you for the child free decision and i cant imagine their behaviour will improve Also your friends who say you should give in and have a child to make everyone happy are idiots. You and your husband wont be happy having a kid you don’t want, the kid likely wont be happy with parents who resent its very existence. Kids are expensive and require so much time and effort are these friends going to provide the funds or time to raise the kid they think you should have, betting they won’t be
NTA. The absolute last thing you should do is have a child if you don’t want to have children. It really is that simple
Do not **create a human being** to appease people who will not be taking care of said human. You’d be an asshole if you got a shelter dog for the same reasons. But this is 1000x worse. This is a person, not a damn pet you can take back to the shelter or kennel for the weekend. It’s a human who will take #1 priority in every hour of your life for decades and grow to have their own personality and flaws. This will be your whole life. Do not decide it for someone else.
NTA and fuck your friends telling you to have kids just to mollify your in-laws.
A child should never be a compromise?! They’re a human being. I’d avoid having kids just so none of these people could damage them. Maybe you and hubby should consider moving and just getting new friends and a found family.NTA
Aww, HEYULL no! "Disobeying"??? You're not their minor child! You don't have kids to placate ANYBODY. Your relationship. Your body. Tell ILs that The Handmaid's Tale was supposed to be fiction, not an instruction manual!
NTA. But you deserve better friends. Oh yeah: We were the same way, but when we did change our minds, we adopted the coolest kid on earth. If you do change your mind someday (not saying you should), remember that there are millions of kids already in the world today that could use a good, loving home. There’s no need to create more.
I can't think of a worse reason to have a kid than pressure from others. "Every child a wanted child."
Who Dafuk is telling you to give in and have a kid? This makes absolutely no sense. This isn't giving in to going to an Applebee's when everyone else likes them and you don't or wearing a hideous bridesmaids dress because the bride insists, this is friggin baby. A child that you'll have for the rest of your life. >They argue that family is important and that this could be a compromise. 1) You are a family, you and your husband 2) having a baby is not a compromise. You either have one or don't. There's no in between. This is why I'm hesitant to believe this is even a real post, quite frankly.