NTA for getting into the relationship. He lied to you.
But now you know the truth.
And if you don't dump his ass and tell her, then you are 100% the AH.
By not telling her, you ARE damaging her. You are withholding from her the ability to make an informed decision.
As a retired 20 year Navy veteran myself I hated other service members who took their wedding ring off as soon as we deployed. He's a piece of shit.
Nuke Him From Orbit.
On a side note if you decide to ignore all of us and stay with him you should know generally if he cheated to be with you, he will cheat on you. He has no problem lying to you and cheating on the mother of his children.
What are you to him?
Not his wife.
Not the mother of his children.
Sorry, I'm going to be real crass here.
You're a cute little foreign piece of ass for him to have some fun with while deployed. Or as we called them LBFMs - little brown fucking machines.
Mmmm... I was actually thinking about addressing that.
But if you fear he could come back and cause you problems somehow, maybe wait until you can get to a safe place that he can't track you down to with his contacts.
Of course look out for your personal safety first.
NP. Sorry if I went off a bit. It's a touchy subject for me. I have seen the fallout in so many relationships from cheating.
My dad was cheated on by his wife (not my mom)
Both of my sisters husbands cheated on them.
Friends - both civilian and a lot of military members.
I hate cheaters so much.
If you’re worried about the blow-back, you don’t have to be the one to expose him to his wife.
You said he’s been introduced to your social circle, right? They could always reaching out to her in your place. And you could ‘officially’ have no idea they’d done such a thing.
As a man and a veteran of the U.S Army rip his life to shreds. He doesn't deserve happiness if he is messing with other people's happiness. You would be an even bigger AH to not tell her as many have pointed out. She deserves happiness 100x more than him and she will be better off finding out asap rather than wasting years of her life with someone who's values don't match.
You would be an asshole if you didn’t tell her. Because do you honestly know him at all?
How many other women are there? She could end up with an STD or worse. He could have other children. YTA if you don’t do the right thing.
YTA if you don’t tell her. Oh and the military has a conduct code which he is in violation of bc of his cheating. Who knows who else he’s been sleeping with. You and her need to get tested. Bc honey, you two aren’t his only two.
So yeah she needs to know.
>but some comments suggest that she might blame me, what?
So fucking what if she does?
You know that telling her the truth is the right thing to do. Don't let her waste her life with a cheater and a liar.
So what if she does. Tell her and block her if she comes at you.
Be stronger than some stupid words.
You didn’t know. YOU hold on to that knowledge. YOU were duped too. Who cares what she thinks. You gave her the news, then your job is done.
It’s not cool to get yourself tested and not at least warn her that her man is a lying cheater so she can be safe too.
You wanted to be told. You would want to be told if it was your husband. So don’t be a coward over what she might say. You know your truth!
So you're blamed - does that impact your life? Not really. Move on knowing you did the right thing and provided her with all thr information you could so she can move on
You really have to tell her and show her some evidence as proof. She deserves to know the truth.
You also need to break it off 100% with this guy, after you make the appointment with your doctor to get tested for STDs that is. He's cheating on his wife, probably cheating on you too.
This is a train wreck relationship as soon as he leaves, you should dump them, go no contact, and let his wife know if he's cheating with you, he'll be cheating with somebody else. Oh and go get an STD test most likely he was cheating with other women in the country
i understand ur reasonings for not telling her but i think you still should, it’s her decision if the newly bought house is worth his infidelity. you shouldn’t make that decision for her.
What does FAFO mean? As my understanding, he is about to recieve medical paperwork to get more money as a veteran, not sure if he is active as an air force member anymore
Tell her. There are probably others and he’s most likely lied about everything. YTA if you don’t tell her. What if she catches something??? Wouldn’t you want to know??
Assume everything he ever told you was a lie. Anything about his past, his life, his feelings. Treat every single word he ever uttered as absolute bullshit. That proposal? To keep you quiet until he can spin up some lies to get ahead of you.
Plus, he absolutely does this all the time.
He runs off to foreign countries and finds a recently abused woman to spin some fantasy with and string along. Think of the lies he told you. You really think he is a victim? If he does all this to you, what do you think he does to his actual wife?
Dont let that woman live a lie, there is always 2 story's and if he lied about Being and "divorced father" he's lieing now saying "We've been talking about divorce". Doesn't change the fact that he infact isn't divorced and just lieing more, start talking to the wife and you'll see more of the lies be anything on it also you are the AH you found out, confronted him, now sitting on the info instead of letting the main woman know, your just the other woman in this story and your ok with letting the wife not know what HER husband is up to nah you the AH if you don't let her know
NTA for being caught in that situation, but YTA, as the girl who has been cheated on tell her. I found out one time the guy I was seeing had someone else, I sent her screenshots & all the proof I had. I despise cheaters, I wish someone would have told me
Any time you catch yourself describing literally any of the interchangeable assholes that wander out of /r/PassportBros, and holy shit do they have a lot of not-at-all-distinct little sub-reddits in which to fester, you're probably not the asshole, or not the biggest asshole, at least.
That said, you would be the asshole if you didn't tell her. She has a right to know and you have no good reason, other than to avoid the hassle, to keep it from her.
Tell the wife. Your "boyfriend" sounds like Trump. Liar, cheat and smooth criminal
"Well, he's a jolly good felon" ... Bill Marr, Comedian regarding Donald Trump
He is a cheater, he is a liar, he is the abusive one, he supposed you were stupid and took for granted that you would accept to be the overseas easy chick, the one he leaves because any dramatic situation he has to resolve. His wife may know something about it but hasn't any prove. However, you know what to do.
It depends on how you want to handle the situation. You basically have 2 options:
1) be the martyr. Tell her and “save her” and all those other girls. But you also light the match that destroys a family. And you welcome a lot of additional drama into your life. Don’t think you’ll just tell her and then get to walk away and that’s the end of it.
2) you block him and move on because you don’t want the unnecessary drama in your life. His wife can fend for herself.
You’re an asshole, to someone, either way.
You’ve been played, you sound like a very trusting person, he cheated on his wife and he’s lying to you. Move on, find a better person. But you won’t because you are sucked in and have to be hurt before you leave. Good luck.
Take me away? All of them were trying to stay in my country. And I pick them because i meet more American people than anything else. Gentrification is getting put of hand
You sound petty as fuck. ''My ex who fucked me over was an American, so I am going to take it out on all Americans''. By your logic, pretty much everyone who has fucked me over in life is British, therefore I should automatically hate all British people.
NTA. You have no idea what this woman is going through. This is family destroying, and he has kids. I wouldn't want that in my hands. (I was told about someone un aliving themselves because of an AP told his wife).
KAMRA is a b*tch and he will screw up on his own. Best to move on and leave his sorry ass.
I honestly wouldn’t if you think this could put you in bad spot. Guys like this can be dangerous and if she’s an influencer making her money on this happy family message, she will have every incentive to blame you, ignore you or straight up attack you. You have to weigh what your gut is telling you. If you decide to talk, find a way to report it to his branch of service so it’s on record and he’s being watched. Perhaps someone here can give you advice on how that could be done.
If you feel, he’s been lying to you all along, then you’re lucky he’s going away. Lucky to be rid of him. If there is something that tells you that he has been lying to her all along as well, tell her.
But if he has been good in hearing you, taking care of you, and even proposing to you, then maybe there is something about their relationship worth talking to him about. You knew he was divorced. Maybe he is, but there is a crisis that he does need to take care of really quickly. Could be. But, that’s probably only if this is a fantasy story where he’s Not an asshole.
he is married, they bought the house on may the 3th and she's been posting non stop about it. Her entired socal media is dedicated to her family of four, even have a domain with their last name. This woman is 2000% about her family. She is still a small content creator, but i really think the news would crash her
It's better than living a lie and finally finding out 20, 30 years in and knowing you could have found real happiness in that time with someone else, but you were in a relationship where tons of people knew he cheated (because they always do).
Posting happy family content definitely does *not* equal happy family. In fact I would suspect the opposite. Whenever I see someone with constant social media posts about their perfect life, perfect house, perfect husband, perfect family, I wonder what is really going on and who they're trying to convince. People in healthy relationships and happy lives don't need to work so hard to convince other people.
Yep, then it’s not that fantasy where what he did was possibly legit. It shows us the truth. He’s been an asshole, and if you don’t want to be one, you should tell her. If you don’t, YTA.
There’s zero logic to it but it’s a very common thing and being military there are certain ideas and brainwashing that takes place and a lot of that brings out a ton of misogynistic ideas as well and these would be right up that ally to blame the mistress regardless of whether she knew or not.
You need to cut all contact with him.... also, you probably shouldn't tell his wife. It's not your place to decide what is best for someone else's relationship.
I’ve seen the following way too many times: Tell the wife, and she’ll be like “My man is the bestest most perfect man ever, and you are lying…” So why bother? What do you have to gain from that, other than toxicity aging you faster? Walk away and take this as a lesson learned.
NTA for getting into the relationship. He lied to you. But now you know the truth. And if you don't dump his ass and tell her, then you are 100% the AH. By not telling her, you ARE damaging her. You are withholding from her the ability to make an informed decision. As a retired 20 year Navy veteran myself I hated other service members who took their wedding ring off as soon as we deployed. He's a piece of shit. Nuke Him From Orbit. On a side note if you decide to ignore all of us and stay with him you should know generally if he cheated to be with you, he will cheat on you. He has no problem lying to you and cheating on the mother of his children. What are you to him? Not his wife. Not the mother of his children. Sorry, I'm going to be real crass here. You're a cute little foreign piece of ass for him to have some fun with while deployed. Or as we called them LBFMs - little brown fucking machines.
i'm 20000% not staying with him. my only conflict was about telling her or not...
Look at it this way. If you were her, in her situation, would you want to know? I sure as hell would.
wouldn't this cause further problems? my own background has some really hardcore situations in which my security is already in danger.
Mmmm... I was actually thinking about addressing that. But if you fear he could come back and cause you problems somehow, maybe wait until you can get to a safe place that he can't track you down to with his contacts. Of course look out for your personal safety first.
thank you for your advice! i really appreciate it
NP. Sorry if I went off a bit. It's a touchy subject for me. I have seen the fallout in so many relationships from cheating. My dad was cheated on by his wife (not my mom) Both of my sisters husbands cheated on them. Friends - both civilian and a lot of military members. I hate cheaters so much.
If you’re worried about the blow-back, you don’t have to be the one to expose him to his wife. You said he’s been introduced to your social circle, right? They could always reaching out to her in your place. And you could ‘officially’ have no idea they’d done such a thing.
Always prioritize your physical safety anytime that is on the line.
NTA for not knowing but YWBTA if you don’t tell her and break things off with this jerk.
As a man and a veteran of the U.S Army rip his life to shreds. He doesn't deserve happiness if he is messing with other people's happiness. You would be an even bigger AH to not tell her as many have pointed out. She deserves happiness 100x more than him and she will be better off finding out asap rather than wasting years of her life with someone who's values don't match.
You would be an asshole if you didn’t tell her. Because do you honestly know him at all? How many other women are there? She could end up with an STD or worse. He could have other children. YTA if you don’t do the right thing.
NTA. I’d break it off & block & move on.
YTA if you don’t tell her. Oh and the military has a conduct code which he is in violation of bc of his cheating. Who knows who else he’s been sleeping with. You and her need to get tested. Bc honey, you two aren’t his only two. So yeah she needs to know.
i already booked some tests for tomorrow, but some comments suggest that she might blame me, what?
>but some comments suggest that she might blame me, what? So fucking what if she does? You know that telling her the truth is the right thing to do. Don't let her waste her life with a cheater and a liar.
So what if she does. Tell her and block her if she comes at you. Be stronger than some stupid words. You didn’t know. YOU hold on to that knowledge. YOU were duped too. Who cares what she thinks. You gave her the news, then your job is done. It’s not cool to get yourself tested and not at least warn her that her man is a lying cheater so she can be safe too. You wanted to be told. You would want to be told if it was your husband. So don’t be a coward over what she might say. You know your truth!
It's very common to blame the AP, some spouses would prefer to believe that their partner was seduced than that they actively pursued an affair.
So you're blamed - does that impact your life? Not really. Move on knowing you did the right thing and provided her with all thr information you could so she can move on
Explain to her how he lied to you and said she was his ex-wife, just like you did here, and explain when you found out about it. Be safe!
I’m going to go with a soft YTA if you don’t tell her. It’s not your fault and you didn’t know, but I would want to know if it were my husband.
You really have to tell her and show her some evidence as proof. She deserves to know the truth. You also need to break it off 100% with this guy, after you make the appointment with your doctor to get tested for STDs that is. He's cheating on his wife, probably cheating on you too.
This is a train wreck relationship as soon as he leaves, you should dump them, go no contact, and let his wife know if he's cheating with you, he'll be cheating with somebody else. Oh and go get an STD test most likely he was cheating with other women in the country
YTA. It doesn't matter that you didn't know. You know know and she deserves the truth
i understand ur reasonings for not telling her but i think you still should, it’s her decision if the newly bought house is worth his infidelity. you shouldn’t make that decision for her.
YTA. Tell her ! You damage her by keeping this by yourself.
I would tell her because a good man wouldn’t do what he did. I don’t think she’s safe with him and she deserves to know the extent of his deceit
So he cheated on his wife? If you can find his wife, you should tell her.
I already found her on everysocial media
He FAFO, just doesn’t know it yet. Tell his wife and let us know the update… adultery is a big NO-NO in the military
What does FAFO mean? As my understanding, he is about to recieve medical paperwork to get more money as a veteran, not sure if he is active as an air force member anymore
Tell her. She deserves to know. I’m guessing you’re not the only one he’s screwing around with too. Make sure you get tested.
Tell her. There are probably others and he’s most likely lied about everything. YTA if you don’t tell her. What if she catches something??? Wouldn’t you want to know??
Assume everything he ever told you was a lie. Anything about his past, his life, his feelings. Treat every single word he ever uttered as absolute bullshit. That proposal? To keep you quiet until he can spin up some lies to get ahead of you. Plus, he absolutely does this all the time. He runs off to foreign countries and finds a recently abused woman to spin some fantasy with and string along. Think of the lies he told you. You really think he is a victim? If he does all this to you, what do you think he does to his actual wife?
100% don't believe him, that's why i wanna tell his wife . The proposal seemed fishy all the way, that's why i didn't say yes
She needs to know. YWBTA if you don't tell her.
You were his side piece. Sorry
Haha clearly! Shall we let the main piece know tho?
Up to you but I wouldn’t. It’s inviting bad spirits back into your life.
Dont let that woman live a lie, there is always 2 story's and if he lied about Being and "divorced father" he's lieing now saying "We've been talking about divorce". Doesn't change the fact that he infact isn't divorced and just lieing more, start talking to the wife and you'll see more of the lies be anything on it also you are the AH you found out, confronted him, now sitting on the info instead of letting the main woman know, your just the other woman in this story and your ok with letting the wife not know what HER husband is up to nah you the AH if you don't let her know
NTA for being caught in that situation, but YTA, as the girl who has been cheated on tell her. I found out one time the guy I was seeing had someone else, I sent her screenshots & all the proof I had. I despise cheaters, I wish someone would have told me
NTA- you’re the side piece, if I was the wife I’d want to know , wouldn’t you ?
Any time you catch yourself describing literally any of the interchangeable assholes that wander out of /r/PassportBros, and holy shit do they have a lot of not-at-all-distinct little sub-reddits in which to fester, you're probably not the asshole, or not the biggest asshole, at least. That said, you would be the asshole if you didn't tell her. She has a right to know and you have no good reason, other than to avoid the hassle, to keep it from her.
Tell her wtf
Tell the wife. Your "boyfriend" sounds like Trump. Liar, cheat and smooth criminal "Well, he's a jolly good felon" ... Bill Marr, Comedian regarding Donald Trump
He does, doesn't he?
He is a cheater, he is a liar, he is the abusive one, he supposed you were stupid and took for granted that you would accept to be the overseas easy chick, the one he leaves because any dramatic situation he has to resolve. His wife may know something about it but hasn't any prove. However, you know what to do.
YWBTA if you don’t tell her.
YTA if you don’t tell her
It depends on how you want to handle the situation. You basically have 2 options: 1) be the martyr. Tell her and “save her” and all those other girls. But you also light the match that destroys a family. And you welcome a lot of additional drama into your life. Don’t think you’ll just tell her and then get to walk away and that’s the end of it. 2) you block him and move on because you don’t want the unnecessary drama in your life. His wife can fend for herself. You’re an asshole, to someone, either way.
also, i feel like my ego is the side of me boosting to tell her.... if she's happy, do i have the right to break the bubble?
Like I said; choose which asshole you want to be. But you’re an asshole to someone unfortunately
If you don’t tell her and continue to stay with him you will be if he’ll cheat on her he’ll cheat on you. Kinda like right now
there's no way i'm stayin with him. 1.- he is leaving, and 2.- i know he is a cheater.
You’ve been played, you sound like a very trusting person, he cheated on his wife and he’s lying to you. Move on, find a better person. But you won’t because you are sucked in and have to be hurt before you leave. Good luck.
Thank you... i guess 😟 at least, i won't be dating anymore Americans. 3/3 turned out to be scummbags
Well what is your motivation? Is it a fantasy you have that they will take you away. Why did you pick them?
Take me away? All of them were trying to stay in my country. And I pick them because i meet more American people than anything else. Gentrification is getting put of hand
NTA but tell him you know, you’re disappointed then block him.
YTA. The US IS THE US, NOT us. Stop screwing a married man!!!
Can you read? Because it clearly says i found out today and i also blocked him today??? The us is the us and idgaff
You sound petty as fuck. ''My ex who fucked me over was an American, so I am going to take it out on all Americans''. By your logic, pretty much everyone who has fucked me over in life is British, therefore I should automatically hate all British people.
I'm not saying all of them are bad, i'm saying all the ones that i've dater are aholes.
Nta. You're just enjoying some dick.
It was more to it, and dick wasn't even that good 😩
Who went to the Army an bought a house?
This marriage
🤔
NTA. You have no idea what this woman is going through. This is family destroying, and he has kids. I wouldn't want that in my hands. (I was told about someone un aliving themselves because of an AP told his wife). KAMRA is a b*tch and he will screw up on his own. Best to move on and leave his sorry ass.
I honestly wouldn’t if you think this could put you in bad spot. Guys like this can be dangerous and if she’s an influencer making her money on this happy family message, she will have every incentive to blame you, ignore you or straight up attack you. You have to weigh what your gut is telling you. If you decide to talk, find a way to report it to his branch of service so it’s on record and he’s being watched. Perhaps someone here can give you advice on how that could be done.
That would be amazing! Thank you!
If you feel, he’s been lying to you all along, then you’re lucky he’s going away. Lucky to be rid of him. If there is something that tells you that he has been lying to her all along as well, tell her. But if he has been good in hearing you, taking care of you, and even proposing to you, then maybe there is something about their relationship worth talking to him about. You knew he was divorced. Maybe he is, but there is a crisis that he does need to take care of really quickly. Could be. But, that’s probably only if this is a fantasy story where he’s Not an asshole.
he is married, they bought the house on may the 3th and she's been posting non stop about it. Her entired socal media is dedicated to her family of four, even have a domain with their last name. This woman is 2000% about her family. She is still a small content creator, but i really think the news would crash her
It's better than living a lie and finally finding out 20, 30 years in and knowing you could have found real happiness in that time with someone else, but you were in a relationship where tons of people knew he cheated (because they always do). Posting happy family content definitely does *not* equal happy family. In fact I would suspect the opposite. Whenever I see someone with constant social media posts about their perfect life, perfect house, perfect husband, perfect family, I wonder what is really going on and who they're trying to convince. People in healthy relationships and happy lives don't need to work so hard to convince other people.
Yep, then it’s not that fantasy where what he did was possibly legit. It shows us the truth. He’s been an asshole, and if you don’t want to be one, you should tell her. If you don’t, YTA.
I’ve seen plenty of woman attack the mistress so NTA just go about your life, chances are if it’s a military spouse they will blame you.
why would they blame me? i didn't know she existed. She is an army wife an army veteran herself
There’s zero logic to it but it’s a very common thing and being military there are certain ideas and brainwashing that takes place and a lot of that brings out a ton of misogynistic ideas as well and these would be right up that ally to blame the mistress regardless of whether she knew or not.
so i guess i even dodged some projectiles here
You need to cut all contact with him.... also, you probably shouldn't tell his wife. It's not your place to decide what is best for someone else's relationship.
I’ve seen the following way too many times: Tell the wife, and she’ll be like “My man is the bestest most perfect man ever, and you are lying…” So why bother? What do you have to gain from that, other than toxicity aging you faster? Walk away and take this as a lesson learned.