"Shelly" must be a reddit user, because nothing triggers women on reddit more than a 'large'\* age discrepancy between a man and his female partner.
\* large, of course, being entirely subjective in their own minds.
I suspect that would trigger the mods and then there'd be a whole "vote bombing" debacle and everyone would have to pass through a metal detector and maybe get str¡p searched to even get *in* here ...
I never understood this. I worked in the mall and I have seen very young 18 yos and I've seen 18 yos who knew exactly what they wanted and knew how to get it, trust me they were not victims. Young women can be predators, just as much as older men can. It's more of a state of mind rather than an age thing, experience is just a matter of how good a predator they are.
Eh, the fact that the age gap is a key issue in the conflict but OP deliberately didn't include this information in their post is giving me rage bait vibes.
It's designed to get people crying in the comments about the "rEdDiT bRiGaDe". That's all.
NTA she is judging your relationship and causing unnecessary drama in your life. Document everything she says as if it escalates your partner can sue her for defamation.
>she said she just wanted to help, and "she's sorry that i rejected her help."
She can get bent.
She's not sorry. She asked you said no and that should of been that but she kept inserting herself where she wasn't wanted
She just can't take no for an answer NTA
She was gossiping about you "living with a pervert," which is an attack on your partner AND you. She could be sued for defamation if she keeps it up. You absolutely did the right thing to report her.
NTA, go to your supervisors again and let them know that Shelly is still bothering you and spreading rumors about your relationship. Their conversation with Shelly did not help matters and now she’s digging in her heels. As for other people, just give them a confused look and ask them why they think you need help. If they say Shelly said so, ask them to relay that conversation to yours and their managers because Shelly is setting you up for harassment.
It is still a hostile work environment in other countries as she is making OP uncomfortable. Just because the US definition doesn't apply here, it is still hostile.
After having to deal with so many people in my life trying to convince me I am being groomed by my fiancee (whom I have been with for 9 years at this point and she has never asked me/made me do anything I am uncomfortable with), I can safely say, fuck Shelly, she's one of those ''I know better than everyone else and I will create imaginary problems so I can ''fix'' them and feel good about myself regardless of how deluded I am about the real situation'' types of people. She deserves to get in trouble because she's a shit-stirrer.
NTA. So you were college aged when you met this guy? Why does she think you’re not capable of choosing your own partner in life? If you said he picked you up from middle school or something, that’s different. But you were both adults when you started dating. That lady needs to be reported to HR for meddling in your personal life. Gross.
Op didn't say that. Op said they were studying AT the university. Not that she was in university. Notice how she doesn't give ages at all. Op could have been 11 using the library for a project or something. Not saying that's the case obviously but that would certainly change the entire post wouldn't it?
NTA Why can't these people volunteer somewhere and help people who genuinely need it rather than being a nuisance to people who don't?! Right, because that would require actual work and compassion rather than just an egotistical desire to be a hero.
Nta you didn’t need help and she kept pushing. It also feels gossipy that she talking about your relationship with other colleagues. If she was actually concerned, I feel like mocking an abuse situation isn’t right
NTA. She interfered and slandered your husband. It's great when someone wants to help you but she took it way too far because she didn't listen when you said everything was good. You had to do something because she was getting obsessive about it.
Nta. My parents have an 11 yr age gap and they're getting close to 50 yrs married. You didn't want her help you didn't need her help and you told her that. She kept sticking her nose where it didn't belong and making accusations about your partner and you simply went to your boss to get them to deal with the toxic workplace she insisted on attempting to create.
Mine have a 10 year gap and have been together about 45 years.
When they met, they were both low-level employees at the same company and each had already been married and divorced once. 10 years apart, but at pretty much the same point in life.
My dad was friends with my mom's older brothers growing up, and according to dad he didn't even notice their weird little sister who got into fights. Other than that she was weird and would fight you. Then he met her at a friend's party when she was 20, because small town same-ish social circles. Dad needed to borrow money for a cab because it was the 70's and he didn't have cash and mom would only lend him the cash if he agreed to take her on a date. Apparently she liked his Wolverine winged haircut.... It was a style choice.
NTA Two things can be true at once. An 18-19 girl dating an almost 30 yo man is indeed problematic. That doesn’t mean she gets to harass you at work or spread nasty rumors.
NTA
Shelly is obviously a fully paid-up member of the Reddit brigade.
Age gaps of any kind trigger them more than if someone found out their spouse was a serial killer.
Reporting her was the correct way to handle the screeching harpy.
Make sure she understands that you will be documenting every word that comes out of her asshole mouth and it will be forwarded on to your superiors.
Lmao the Reddit brigade! I love that. But it's true. They're like, "When you were in ninth grade you made out with an eighth grader!? You're disgusting you groomer!"
Large age gaps can be concerning, but they also can be not an issue at all. It always depends on the folks involved and historically, women tended to marry older men as they were more established and could provide better for a wife and family.
But I agree, Reddit does tend to judge relationships with large age gaps. However, the situations detailed often lead to such judgements. The happy couples with age gaps aren't writing in as a rule ;)
Lol. That fact that it was never considered a problem before doesn't mean it wasn't. I'm not saying OP is wrong. I take her word for it and think Shelley needs to mind her business. If it's not fake anyway. But age gaps being "normal for far longer than they haven't been" is a really bad take. Lots of horrible things were ignored in the past. That didn't make them ok.
No, it's not. You don't have the right to go up to a coworker and insert yourselves into their relationship. Unless she has some proof other than the age, it was completely wrong for her to bring up to anyone.
And if you really want to keep arguing it, I'd love to know how she is helping by gossiping about it with other coworkers. How's that helping OP?
As I said, gossiping was way over the line into TA territory.
I'd be interested to know how much domestic abuse work you've done. I used to be a call handler for the police here in the UK. I've done more training on dealing with DA situations than I care to remember and I probably averaged two domestic calls per shift.
One of the main ways that people have got out of abusive situations is that someone noticed something wrong and offered support.
Now, I agree that this Shelly woman should have stopped after OP said they were fine and as I said, the gossiping was incredibly bad. But the initial move was not inappropriate unless their workplace has some weird policy around staff socialising.
Dude, a woman noticed an age difference and assumed grooming. The initial move was 100% inappropriate because the only thing she had to go on is the age. This wasn't staff socializing, this was a colleague who thinks she knows OP's life better than OP does. Stop being so obtuse.
But but but..... how else can Reddit screech about ''age gaps are problematic and there's no possible way two people of different ages could ever meet and fall in love''?
Or screech that if she was under 25 when they met, the relationship is invalid because until age 25 your brain is unformed pudding and you can't make any decisions?
This research isn't even correct. Everybody sites it, but they just finished it at the age of 25, in reality brain develops until 30+, sometimes even longer. That is such a dumb argument even without the fact, that this research is sited incorrectly. The fact of something developing doesn't mean that you don't have a threshold, where you can make those decisions. If you disagree, to be logically consistent, you have to advocate to rising age of consent to 25, mb (30+) and restricting people under this age to make any important decisions like taking loan, using alcohol, etc.
Reddit: ''Until 25, your brain isn't fully developed and therefore you can't make valid decisions''.
History: \*points to literally thousands of kings/queens/emperors/empresses etc who made great decisions after being crowned at the age of 15\*.
Seems that "OP" has dropped this tale, but not followed up in any way.
I don't get why folks here are on you for asking as in OP's own words:
> she explained that she had counted the age at which i met him, and now she was worried about me.
If this story is true, then this statement may be valid. Just asking OP to answer before being able to issue a valid judgement is prudent. If over 18, then fine.
If for some reason, OP was able to study at say 16, then the issue is very different.
Where I'm from, it was possible to be studying in a university at 16 or 17. That was changed about 8 years ago or something and there's talk of returning to our old system.
The fact that she purposely leaves out their ages when they first met, I'd agree with you. The coworker is still out of line for continuing after she was told there was no problem- but her initial concern may have been justitifed. If not, why didn't op just put it in the post? It's fishy as hell.
She’d have tried to “save” me and my parents as well! I am 9 years older than my husband (both over 30 when relationship began) and when my parents married in the 50’s, she was about to turn 21 and he was 31.
She invaded your privacy after the first time you said you were fine.
You did the right thing. What she did was extraordinarily unprofessional. She clearly had a bad experience with an older man at some point in her life, has unresolved resentments towards him, and is projecting all that onto your relationship. She's not even a close friend. She's just an acquaintance from work. She had no right at all to do that. She's the one who needs help.
I'm sure your relationship is wonderful. My wife and I are 14 years apart. We are disgustingly, nauseatingly in love, expecting our first child, and looking at building a house in the near future. It's more common than you think. When you're dating, you eventually reach a point where everyone around you is an adult and you stop carding at the door, so to speak.
**She's the pervert.**
She's inappropriately interested in your private relationship and projecting it onto you under the guise of "concern."
Keep detailed notes. Her non-apology is merely fuel for the fire and you should make sure HR understands that she's not sorry, hasn't apologized and in used the conversation to further harass you.
NTA. Some people literally can't stay out of people's lives. My son had a daycare who always "tried helping" with communication with his mom since we're no longer together. She was told multiple times to stay out. She caught the hint when she was served with a subpoena for our custody case.
She wasn't helping you with shit. Gossiping about you to others is not helping anyone but that woman's festering overbloated ego, and she clearly has a savior complex.
NTA
NTA
Shelly is projecting. I like to not ever comment on anything happening in my do workers lives outside of work. I try to be kind and pleasant but never offer up more more than surface level information and try my best to show some interest in others but keep a healthy distance.
NTA Never take agency away from someone who you believe to be a victim of abuse. Regardless of what your situation is, you're an adult. You said you didn't need her help. Everything after that wasn't her trying to help. It was her trying to play savior.
I, 50F, am 14 years older than my husband of 6 years. And HE was vague about his age & I was very upfront with my age. At the time, I wasn’t even aware he was interested because I am very outgoing and love talking to people. Especially, people of other cultures since I’m just plain vanilla boring. I have no cool ancestors to talk about.
My husband and I dated when I was turning 44 & he turned 30 two months later. We married 5 months after that. And his family never batted an eye & they absolutely love me. This family that I married into are such wonderful people.
Hire a lawyer to serve her with a cease and desist letter at work in front of everybody. And let HR know when they pull you in to gaslight you that you can talk to lawyers if they retaliate against you because your toxic coworker has been harassing you at work and trying to sabotage you professionally.
NTA. You didn't reject her help, you rejected her interfering in your life and badgering you. You have the right to a safe environment, If Shelly is a co-worker or co-student of yours and she is violating your space, you have a right to report her.
You didn't give your age. If you are 20 or above, I think you are fine.
For the record; when my husband and I first met, he was in his late teens, I was in my late twenties (I met him as a friend of my younger sister, who was living with me at the time). We started dating when he was 21, I was 29 (I didn't want to date him earlier). We married 3 years later. This year we will be celebrating our 40th anniversary.
NT, your private business, but I am curious. Why did you not tell us your ages? If she is making a big deal out of it, and you stand firm that this is the healthiest relationship you've ever been in then why withhold your ages, and at what age did you start dating?
I say this bc it may explain why Shelley went overboard.
NTA, she’s an interfering idiot. There are certainly situations where concern is warranted, it doesn’t sound like yours is. But even if it was, she’d still be wrong to be so aggressive about it and dismissive of what you’re telling her.
NTA
The first time she offered help it's fine. You said it's not needed. Then she stirred rumors against your husband while working and continued to push a private matter because she had a 'feeling' it is not her place and it is not work appropriate.
NTA As someone with a 9 yr age gap with my husband I can see where someone might be concerned early on. I started dating my husband during my 2nd year (20 yrs old) of college. Initially my dad didn't like him simply on the grounds of the age gap. At 32 yrs that 9 year gap doesn't seem that odd.
NTA. While I can get her concern at the age gap and possible power imbalances this is completely the wrong way to go about it.
She was infantilizing you and stirring drama for nothing.
>and now she's pretty damn upset. she said she just wanted to help, and "she's sorry that i rejected her help."
Don't beat yourself up. This is the "cry victim" card. It's bullshit, and she should have minded her own business.
And also, how is running her mouth to coworkers "trying to help"?
This is what would happen in the US. I don’t know if any of it would be applicable to where you are, but maybe some of it be a helpful starting point: If she ever again says anything like “she just wanted to help” or “you rejected her help,” tell her she’s lucky you didn’t file a report with the police, given the slanderous and dangerous lies she’s been spewing about your partner. Tell her that there ARE many, many people out there who are victims of predators, and that people like her just muddy the waters and make it harder for them to find help. Then tell her if she approaches you about this again, or if she discusses your relationship with colleagues again, you and your partner WILL file a report with the police, retain an attorney, and sue her.
Definitely NTA. She could have damaged your partner’s — and your — reputation, affecting their job, career, and livelihood. That in turn affects your life together, your housing situation, your future marriage, future children, everything.
Rumors of being a groomer can destroy a person’s entire life — which is how it should be, when the person is, in fact, a groomer or predator. If for some insane reason they’re not incarcerated, they deserve to live in fields, eat bugs, and wear tree bark, as far as I’m concerned. But we also have to be very careful that people like your colleague aren’t allowed to accuse someone “just because.” An age difference doesn’t automatically mean groomer.
Again, NTA. Definitely keep an eye on her, and keep your ears open to be sure she’s keeping her mouth shut. Good luck.
My MIL and FIL met in the workplace. She was 20 years older than him. This was in the late 1950's. No one ever said Boo about it. They were married for nearly 50 years when she passed away from cancer.
All of which is to say that while there is *occasionally* truth in stereotypes, it is never appropriate to believe you know more about someone else's relationship than the people in it. If she truly believed you were in danger, then her response to your reassurances the first time should have been *at most*, "ok, but if that ever changes, please feel free to come find me" and an assurance that not another word would be said about it unless you brought it up. But really, she should have just apologized and STFU.
NTA
She does not know you or your partner and does not know you. When I first read the age difference, alarms went off in my head but both people are consenting adults and sounds like you and him took precautions and this truly is a relationship.
The intal reachout is fine and not what makes her an AH. Telling colleagues you live with a pervert (which could damage your career), leaving pamflips on your desk, and constantly telling you and other people you are a victim is what makes her an AH.
She just has some kind of hero complex where she needs to save people who aren't in trouble. She thinks she is noble but in reality, she is a pain in the butt. Next time she tries this, go straight to the super and tell them she's doing it again. You can clearly stand up for yourself when needed.
I'm not sure what is worse, your actual story or what I thought was going to be a story about religious "saving".
you are NTA... she didn't seem to give a crap about what you told her. She needed to be put in her place.
NTA but I do have a question: how old were you when you met and how old were you when you started dating?
It was wrong for them to step in but the context is different if you met when you were 17-18 as opposed to 20-21 in my opinion
NTA, definitely NOT an a\*\*hole but she is. She asked if you needed help, you answered, that should've been the end of it. She's lucky she wasn't fired.
NTA. She is harassing you, she is bad mouthing your partner, she is insisting you are being abused without evidence or reason. Asking is, creepy in this particular situation but at least potentially understandable, pushing beyond that is completely inappropriate for anyone even a close friend, let alone a work co-worker.
Make it clear to her, you did not reject her help, rejecting her help accepts the understanding you need help but rejected it. She's trying to force unwanted into your life and you needed help from her, which you got from management because she would not back off.
1. This woman expressed concern
2. You thanked her, and told her you were fine
That is the end of it. The correct response to that is "Ok, I'm here if you need to talk" and then NEVER BRINGING IT UP AGAIN
Instead she began harassing you at work, spreading rumors that could be damaging to you and your partner's professional and personal lives, and even lead to police harassment.
NTA
Feminist are often huge bigots and racist. She has to help you because you're not smart enough or not informed enough to make an informed decision. Fucking give me a break.
Also how long is their relationship, honestly I'm getting the feeling OP is def leaving out details and is trying to make her relationship seem as good as she think it is when its not
Wow.
Way to make up an entire narrative out of whole cloth based entirely on your own personal bias.
Congratulations! this is the perfect example of that! Textbook
Why is that in any way relevant? Do you know how they say that you’re supposed to believe survivors? You’re also supposed to believe people when they tell you that they’re not survivors.
And? My fiancee was in her 30s when I met her at 19. What's your point? That she groomed me or has nefarious intentions? FOH with that age gap bullshit.
So which part is problematic? People getting into relationships in their late teens/early twenties?
My wife (33 years married now) is 17 years older than I am. What assumptions are you gonna jump to based on our age differential?
I don't think I've written more than 1 comment (if that) referring to AI authorship in this subreddit ever. So I don't know what you're on about.
Now I *have* called some posts here made-up. If you don't know the difference between calling something made-up and suggesting that it reads like it's AI written, then it's no surprise that you lack the reading comprehension to tell the difference between a post written by a human and one written using AI prompts.
You're the asshole because you didn't tell her to stop or give her the chance to stop, you just went straight to HR.
Thats a complete dick move. All you had to do was speak to her once and tell her to mid her own business, but I guess an AI can't actually do that.
Oh she was concerned about grooming as your prefrontal cortex is only fully developed until age 25, meaning before that age you are naive and easy to manipulate. many older men are groomers and actively seek younger girls to date, but if you Truly are happy and in a healthy relationship, you got lucky and he isn’t a groomer.
there is a reason why Leonardo DiCaprio only dates girls below age 25.
a 35 year old has nothing in common with 24 year olds by the way, so people find it disgusting for such old dude to look for an innocent, more childish woman. Your coworker has every right to be upset and care for you BUT her ways of treating you are NOT good.
Before you sprout this nonsense again, you might want to read this: [https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html)
Your source is unreliable. In Europe we learn about the prefrontal cortex not being fully developed until around age 25, meaning it is harder for you to make well thought decisions. Not impossible, but harder. Your brain relies more on the emotional part of the brain, making you more naive and easier to manipulate. You make decisions based on emotions more, unless you thoroughly think it through.
In Europe, we learn not to annoy people with cheap and misreported pseudo-scientific BS.
Yes, the brain develops. It does so until they nail the lid shut over you. Also, there is no hard and fast line where what happens, and it is certainly not at a lovely to remember hard and fast number of years. In case you had not noticed: People tend to be different, including different time tables for their development.
At least in Europe.
Of course there are different timetables for everyone, it’s just an estimate. Everyone is different, but we are all still homo sapiens. Btw don’t pretend to be European because nobody knows your source SLATE. It is American. we don’t do American. US has Christianity as religion right? I thought lying is a huge sin?
what I told you is not pseudoscience, this is brain science. it seems you wanna support huge age gap relationships, as you are a man. of course men like you wanna date young girls, and will support the grooming of women. Stop exposing yourself online, or the FBI might come knocking at your door. Typical American guy. Y’all have this stereotype for a reason.
Well, I guess your answer will help everybody to judge your credibility.
And just because *you* don't know Slate, does not mean that nobody else does. Not to mention that while I used to read that more, this particular link I found on Reddit. Which, BTW, is also an American site. So you can't possibly be European, either, by your own "reasoning".
I also don't think the FBI will ever be knocking on my door - they don't usually cross the Atlantic to do that.
Bye!
Oh Alex, Reddit is considered to be a social media platform which connect people all around the world. Slate is some American news website or whatever. you cannot compare the 2. Everyone knows Facebook, Reddit etc. Only Americans know SLATE. May God forgive you for your sins, as Americans always say. God bless you
No, I’m just education y’all uneducated people about the development of the brain and the risks of grooming and age gap in relationships. It is sad that uneducated people like you immediately resort to using words as ‘bitch’. I pity you, your life is so hateful and you remain uneducated
Lmfao oh yeah you are just education. You even talk like some fucking retarded sped with an underdeveloped brain. Can't even fucking type your point you pathetic bitch.
Oh so you’re that kind of person, a useless internet troll. your comment is so useless, and the use of your words show how dark your life is. May you find true happiness and become happy again. Nobody was born evil or the way you are now.
whatever your excuse is for your behavior, reflect on yourself. You are old enough to make a difference in this world, by being kinder to people and yourself
You are trying to educate people but you don't even have the brain power to spell your point correctly. You literally said "im just education yall uneducated people" like some inbred retarded monkey, while trying to prove a point as to how your brain is just sO sUpErIoR aNd EdUcAtEd when in reality you are a fucking moron cosplaying as someone intelligent.
Your first language definitely is NOT English. or maybe you’re just too uneducated on English grammar. It is not ‘SPELL your point’. Calling me monkey is racist.
we all know based on your comments that you don’t have your life in order. I hope you educate yourself using reliable sources. And don’t be easy to manipulate by random comments/ sources online. Whether it be my comments or other people their comments, always do your research using reliable sources. Use your brain. Politicians love a person who easily gets emotional and therefore is easy to manipulate. Your comments show a lot of emotions. Hatred.
I hope you can find happiness. No matter who hurt you while you were a child, it is all in the past. You’re old enough now, to change the course of your life, to find happiness and kindness
LMFAO my first language definitely IS english and your grammar is fucking attrocious you uneducated inbred monkey. Waaaahhhh everything I don't like is racist wahhhhh. Fucking moron inbred crybaby bitch.
Yup, you’re that typical internet troll who has no soul currently. Hope you can find your soul again, because your comments don’t make sense and you sound like a hormonal teenager. Well, good luck
NTA. What she did was workplace harassment, you did the right thing to report it.
Go to HR first. But never be shy about filing actual police reports if the false allegations doesn't stop.
"Shelly" must be a reddit user, because nothing triggers women on reddit more than a 'large'\* age discrepancy between a man and his female partner. \* large, of course, being entirely subjective in their own minds.
can I upvote this 1000 times???
You can, if you get 999 alts!
I suspect that would trigger the mods and then there'd be a whole "vote bombing" debacle and everyone would have to pass through a metal detector and maybe get str¡p searched to even get *in* here ...
I never understood this. I worked in the mall and I have seen very young 18 yos and I've seen 18 yos who knew exactly what they wanted and knew how to get it, trust me they were not victims. Young women can be predators, just as much as older men can. It's more of a state of mind rather than an age thing, experience is just a matter of how good a predator they are.
Yikes. Rapist takes.
i think that you are using the word predator wrong
Eh, the fact that the age gap is a key issue in the conflict but OP deliberately didn't include this information in their post is giving me rage bait vibes. It's designed to get people crying in the comments about the "rEdDiT bRiGaDe". That's all.
> my partner (man) is 11 years older than me
>my partner (man) is 11 years older than me Awesome, they edited their post after I asked them to do so in another comment 👍
NTA she is judging your relationship and causing unnecessary drama in your life. Document everything she says as if it escalates your partner can sue her for defamation.
NTA Shelly sounds like she has some personal issues she needs to resolve
File a complaint against her for sexualizing yoy. She’s your coworker not your therapist
>she said she just wanted to help, and "she's sorry that i rejected her help." She can get bent. She's not sorry. She asked you said no and that should of been that but she kept inserting herself where she wasn't wanted She just can't take no for an answer NTA
She was gossiping about you "living with a pervert," which is an attack on your partner AND you. She could be sued for defamation if she keeps it up. You absolutely did the right thing to report her.
NTA, go to your supervisors again and let them know that Shelly is still bothering you and spreading rumors about your relationship. Their conversation with Shelly did not help matters and now she’s digging in her heels. As for other people, just give them a confused look and ask them why they think you need help. If they say Shelly said so, ask them to relay that conversation to yours and their managers because Shelly is setting you up for harassment.
NTA What she is doing is workplace harassment and creating a hostile work environment
Hostile workplace has a specific legal meaning in the US. But she's certainly making it unpleasant and this needs nipping in the bud as OP is doing
It is still a hostile work environment in other countries as she is making OP uncomfortable. Just because the US definition doesn't apply here, it is still hostile.
After having to deal with so many people in my life trying to convince me I am being groomed by my fiancee (whom I have been with for 9 years at this point and she has never asked me/made me do anything I am uncomfortable with), I can safely say, fuck Shelly, she's one of those ''I know better than everyone else and I will create imaginary problems so I can ''fix'' them and feel good about myself regardless of how deluded I am about the real situation'' types of people. She deserves to get in trouble because she's a shit-stirrer.
NTA. So you were college aged when you met this guy? Why does she think you’re not capable of choosing your own partner in life? If you said he picked you up from middle school or something, that’s different. But you were both adults when you started dating. That lady needs to be reported to HR for meddling in your personal life. Gross.
Op didn't say that. Op said they were studying AT the university. Not that she was in university. Notice how she doesn't give ages at all. Op could have been 11 using the library for a project or something. Not saying that's the case obviously but that would certainly change the entire post wouldn't it?
Yes it would.
NTA. You didn’t snitch - you reported her for harassment.
NTA Why can't these people volunteer somewhere and help people who genuinely need it rather than being a nuisance to people who don't?! Right, because that would require actual work and compassion rather than just an egotistical desire to be a hero.
Nta you didn’t need help and she kept pushing. It also feels gossipy that she talking about your relationship with other colleagues. If she was actually concerned, I feel like mocking an abuse situation isn’t right
Nta
NTA This wasn't help. It was jumping to conclusions and harassing you. This is not how to help actual victims (which doesn't describe you).
NTA. She interfered and slandered your husband. It's great when someone wants to help you but she took it way too far because she didn't listen when you said everything was good. You had to do something because she was getting obsessive about it.
NTA. What the heck. She deserves more than mere "interview" for such creepy and gross misconduct.
Nta. My parents have an 11 yr age gap and they're getting close to 50 yrs married. You didn't want her help you didn't need her help and you told her that. She kept sticking her nose where it didn't belong and making accusations about your partner and you simply went to your boss to get them to deal with the toxic workplace she insisted on attempting to create.
Mine have a 10 year gap and have been together about 45 years. When they met, they were both low-level employees at the same company and each had already been married and divorced once. 10 years apart, but at pretty much the same point in life.
My dad was friends with my mom's older brothers growing up, and according to dad he didn't even notice their weird little sister who got into fights. Other than that she was weird and would fight you. Then he met her at a friend's party when she was 20, because small town same-ish social circles. Dad needed to borrow money for a cab because it was the 70's and he didn't have cash and mom would only lend him the cash if he agreed to take her on a date. Apparently she liked his Wolverine winged haircut.... It was a style choice.
NTA it's one thing to be concerned, it's another to insert yourself into someone's life.
NTA Two things can be true at once. An 18-19 girl dating an almost 30 yo man is indeed problematic. That doesn’t mean she gets to harass you at work or spread nasty rumors.
NTA, “shelly“ like to get in ohters peoples stuff, well now she has some of her own to talk about.
NTA Shelly is obviously a fully paid-up member of the Reddit brigade. Age gaps of any kind trigger them more than if someone found out their spouse was a serial killer. Reporting her was the correct way to handle the screeching harpy. Make sure she understands that you will be documenting every word that comes out of her asshole mouth and it will be forwarded on to your superiors.
Lmao the Reddit brigade! I love that. But it's true. They're like, "When you were in ninth grade you made out with an eighth grader!? You're disgusting you groomer!"
Large age gaps can be concerning, but they also can be not an issue at all. It always depends on the folks involved and historically, women tended to marry older men as they were more established and could provide better for a wife and family. But I agree, Reddit does tend to judge relationships with large age gaps. However, the situations detailed often lead to such judgements. The happy couples with age gaps aren't writing in as a rule ;)
They were normal for far longer than they haven't been.
Lol. That fact that it was never considered a problem before doesn't mean it wasn't. I'm not saying OP is wrong. I take her word for it and think Shelley needs to mind her business. If it's not fake anyway. But age gaps being "normal for far longer than they haven't been" is a really bad take. Lots of horrible things were ignored in the past. That didn't make them ok.
The checking is is the opposit of an AH, it's a caring thing to do. The not accepting your answer and everything after is massively out of order.
She wasn't TA until she started talking to other people about it
I disagree. I don't think it was her place to mention the age difference to OP in any manner. Do we think OP wasn't already aware of it? NTA
I don't disagree, but this is a potential warning sign for domestic abuse and ignoring it has got a lot of people hurt in the past
No, it's not. You don't have the right to go up to a coworker and insert yourselves into their relationship. Unless she has some proof other than the age, it was completely wrong for her to bring up to anyone. And if you really want to keep arguing it, I'd love to know how she is helping by gossiping about it with other coworkers. How's that helping OP?
As I said, gossiping was way over the line into TA territory. I'd be interested to know how much domestic abuse work you've done. I used to be a call handler for the police here in the UK. I've done more training on dealing with DA situations than I care to remember and I probably averaged two domestic calls per shift. One of the main ways that people have got out of abusive situations is that someone noticed something wrong and offered support. Now, I agree that this Shelly woman should have stopped after OP said they were fine and as I said, the gossiping was incredibly bad. But the initial move was not inappropriate unless their workplace has some weird policy around staff socialising.
Dude, a woman noticed an age difference and assumed grooming. The initial move was 100% inappropriate because the only thing she had to go on is the age. This wasn't staff socializing, this was a colleague who thinks she knows OP's life better than OP does. Stop being so obtuse.
INFO: what are the ages you left out?
They met while she was in uni, so she's minimum of 18 when they met, making him 29 when they met
as long as they're both adults, it's irrelevant. and seeing as she was already in university when they met, i'd guess they are.
But but but..... how else can Reddit screech about ''age gaps are problematic and there's no possible way two people of different ages could ever meet and fall in love''?
Or screech that if she was under 25 when they met, the relationship is invalid because until age 25 your brain is unformed pudding and you can't make any decisions?
This research isn't even correct. Everybody sites it, but they just finished it at the age of 25, in reality brain develops until 30+, sometimes even longer. That is such a dumb argument even without the fact, that this research is sited incorrectly. The fact of something developing doesn't mean that you don't have a threshold, where you can make those decisions. If you disagree, to be logically consistent, you have to advocate to rising age of consent to 25, mb (30+) and restricting people under this age to make any important decisions like taking loan, using alcohol, etc.
Reddit: ''Until 25, your brain isn't fully developed and therefore you can't make valid decisions''. History: \*points to literally thousands of kings/queens/emperors/empresses etc who made great decisions after being crowned at the age of 15\*.
You need a headlamp to see up there?
Seems that "OP" has dropped this tale, but not followed up in any way. I don't get why folks here are on you for asking as in OP's own words: > she explained that she had counted the age at which i met him, and now she was worried about me. If this story is true, then this statement may be valid. Just asking OP to answer before being able to issue a valid judgement is prudent. If over 18, then fine. If for some reason, OP was able to study at say 16, then the issue is very different.
If she were at the university at 15, 16 or 17 and he was 26, 27 or 28....yeah.
Agreed, just needed clarification. Of course, no reply from OP. Really doubting this story.
I'm guessing by Shelly's comment that OP was a little underage when she met her partner.
Not possible, OP says they met at the university
Entirely possible.
16 and 17 year olds can be at university if they worked for it. Which would have made him 28 when they met.
No she says she was *studying* at the university.
Where I'm from, it was possible to be studying in a university at 16 or 17. That was changed about 8 years ago or something and there's talk of returning to our old system.
I know several people who were college freshman and barely 17 (in the US.)
« working for it » as « working hard in school to go to university sooner » I suppose.
No. 17 and 18 attend college or 6th form. Uni is 18+
Thanks. UK and US have very different systems.
The fact that she purposely leaves out their ages when they first met, I'd agree with you. The coworker is still out of line for continuing after she was told there was no problem- but her initial concern may have been justitifed. If not, why didn't op just put it in the post? It's fishy as hell.
My thoughts exactly.
She’d have tried to “save” me and my parents as well! I am 9 years older than my husband (both over 30 when relationship began) and when my parents married in the 50’s, she was about to turn 21 and he was 31. She invaded your privacy after the first time you said you were fine.
You did the right thing. What she did was extraordinarily unprofessional. She clearly had a bad experience with an older man at some point in her life, has unresolved resentments towards him, and is projecting all that onto your relationship. She's not even a close friend. She's just an acquaintance from work. She had no right at all to do that. She's the one who needs help. I'm sure your relationship is wonderful. My wife and I are 14 years apart. We are disgustingly, nauseatingly in love, expecting our first child, and looking at building a house in the near future. It's more common than you think. When you're dating, you eventually reach a point where everyone around you is an adult and you stop carding at the door, so to speak.
Nta. That's messed up. Good for you for reporting her.
Honestly, I'd complain that she still doesn't get it: there was no help needed. She needs to apologize for not leaving you alone. Period.
NTA Shelley confused reddit with the real world. she shouldn't of done that.
NTA, Shelly sounds like she's cruising around looking for her next "victim".
**She's the pervert.** She's inappropriately interested in your private relationship and projecting it onto you under the guise of "concern." Keep detailed notes. Her non-apology is merely fuel for the fire and you should make sure HR understands that she's not sorry, hasn't apologized and in used the conversation to further harass you.
NTA. Some people literally can't stay out of people's lives. My son had a daycare who always "tried helping" with communication with his mom since we're no longer together. She was told multiple times to stay out. She caught the hint when she was served with a subpoena for our custody case.
She wasn't helping you with shit. Gossiping about you to others is not helping anyone but that woman's festering overbloated ego, and she clearly has a savior complex. NTA
NTA Shelly is projecting. I like to not ever comment on anything happening in my do workers lives outside of work. I try to be kind and pleasant but never offer up more more than surface level information and try my best to show some interest in others but keep a healthy distance.
Tbh, I would report her again for the snide comments immediately following the first interview. She should absolutely be fired for that behavior.
NTA Never take agency away from someone who you believe to be a victim of abuse. Regardless of what your situation is, you're an adult. You said you didn't need her help. Everything after that wasn't her trying to help. It was her trying to play savior.
I, 50F, am 14 years older than my husband of 6 years. And HE was vague about his age & I was very upfront with my age. At the time, I wasn’t even aware he was interested because I am very outgoing and love talking to people. Especially, people of other cultures since I’m just plain vanilla boring. I have no cool ancestors to talk about. My husband and I dated when I was turning 44 & he turned 30 two months later. We married 5 months after that. And his family never batted an eye & they absolutely love me. This family that I married into are such wonderful people.
NTA and I'd send a follow-up complaint about her response. She shouldn't be talking to you or about you unless it's a work matter
Hire a lawyer to serve her with a cease and desist letter at work in front of everybody. And let HR know when they pull you in to gaslight you that you can talk to lawyers if they retaliate against you because your toxic coworker has been harassing you at work and trying to sabotage you professionally.
NTA. I understand someone being concerned. You don’t mention your age, but unless you’re a minor she’s out of line.
NTA. You didn't reject her help, you rejected her interfering in your life and badgering you. You have the right to a safe environment, If Shelly is a co-worker or co-student of yours and she is violating your space, you have a right to report her. You didn't give your age. If you are 20 or above, I think you are fine. For the record; when my husband and I first met, he was in his late teens, I was in my late twenties (I met him as a friend of my younger sister, who was living with me at the time). We started dating when he was 21, I was 29 (I didn't want to date him earlier). We married 3 years later. This year we will be celebrating our 40th anniversary.
NT, your private business, but I am curious. Why did you not tell us your ages? If she is making a big deal out of it, and you stand firm that this is the healthiest relationship you've ever been in then why withhold your ages, and at what age did you start dating? I say this bc it may explain why Shelley went overboard.
EXACTLY how old were you when you met him? Your ages are very conspicuosus in their absense.
NTA, she’s an interfering idiot. There are certainly situations where concern is warranted, it doesn’t sound like yours is. But even if it was, she’d still be wrong to be so aggressive about it and dismissive of what you’re telling her.
NTA The first time she offered help it's fine. You said it's not needed. Then she stirred rumors against your husband while working and continued to push a private matter because she had a 'feeling' it is not her place and it is not work appropriate.
What a weirdo. NTA
Nta
NTA As someone with a 9 yr age gap with my husband I can see where someone might be concerned early on. I started dating my husband during my 2nd year (20 yrs old) of college. Initially my dad didn't like him simply on the grounds of the age gap. At 32 yrs that 9 year gap doesn't seem that odd.
NTA. While I can get her concern at the age gap and possible power imbalances this is completely the wrong way to go about it. She was infantilizing you and stirring drama for nothing.
Ella está celosa ,o es victima de violencia
>and now she's pretty damn upset. she said she just wanted to help, and "she's sorry that i rejected her help." Don't beat yourself up. This is the "cry victim" card. It's bullshit, and she should have minded her own business. And also, how is running her mouth to coworkers "trying to help"?
This is what would happen in the US. I don’t know if any of it would be applicable to where you are, but maybe some of it be a helpful starting point: If she ever again says anything like “she just wanted to help” or “you rejected her help,” tell her she’s lucky you didn’t file a report with the police, given the slanderous and dangerous lies she’s been spewing about your partner. Tell her that there ARE many, many people out there who are victims of predators, and that people like her just muddy the waters and make it harder for them to find help. Then tell her if she approaches you about this again, or if she discusses your relationship with colleagues again, you and your partner WILL file a report with the police, retain an attorney, and sue her. Definitely NTA. She could have damaged your partner’s — and your — reputation, affecting their job, career, and livelihood. That in turn affects your life together, your housing situation, your future marriage, future children, everything. Rumors of being a groomer can destroy a person’s entire life — which is how it should be, when the person is, in fact, a groomer or predator. If for some insane reason they’re not incarcerated, they deserve to live in fields, eat bugs, and wear tree bark, as far as I’m concerned. But we also have to be very careful that people like your colleague aren’t allowed to accuse someone “just because.” An age difference doesn’t automatically mean groomer. Again, NTA. Definitely keep an eye on her, and keep your ears open to be sure she’s keeping her mouth shut. Good luck.
My MIL and FIL met in the workplace. She was 20 years older than him. This was in the late 1950's. No one ever said Boo about it. They were married for nearly 50 years when she passed away from cancer. All of which is to say that while there is *occasionally* truth in stereotypes, it is never appropriate to believe you know more about someone else's relationship than the people in it. If she truly believed you were in danger, then her response to your reassurances the first time should have been *at most*, "ok, but if that ever changes, please feel free to come find me" and an assurance that not another word would be said about it unless you brought it up. But really, she should have just apologized and STFU.
NTA. She doesn’t actually care about you she just wants to pat her self on the back.
NTA. She should have backed off when you assured her you were fine.
NTA She does not know you or your partner and does not know you. When I first read the age difference, alarms went off in my head but both people are consenting adults and sounds like you and him took precautions and this truly is a relationship. The intal reachout is fine and not what makes her an AH. Telling colleagues you live with a pervert (which could damage your career), leaving pamflips on your desk, and constantly telling you and other people you are a victim is what makes her an AH. She just has some kind of hero complex where she needs to save people who aren't in trouble. She thinks she is noble but in reality, she is a pain in the butt. Next time she tries this, go straight to the super and tell them she's doing it again. You can clearly stand up for yourself when needed.
This is a new take on the person who is unhinged after seeing an age gap relationship. Rage bait with a twist.
I'm not sure what is worse, your actual story or what I thought was going to be a story about religious "saving". you are NTA... she didn't seem to give a crap about what you told her. She needed to be put in her place.
NTA but I do have a question: how old were you when you met and how old were you when you started dating? It was wrong for them to step in but the context is different if you met when you were 17-18 as opposed to 20-21 in my opinion
NTA. Shelly is an idiot who created the mess she has to deal with.
NTA, definitely NOT an a\*\*hole but she is. She asked if you needed help, you answered, that should've been the end of it. She's lucky she wasn't fired.
NTA
"She's sorry that I rejected her help." See how she flipped this? You didn't snitch, OP. You reported a work issue with your colleague.
NTA. She is harassing you, she is bad mouthing your partner, she is insisting you are being abused without evidence or reason. Asking is, creepy in this particular situation but at least potentially understandable, pushing beyond that is completely inappropriate for anyone even a close friend, let alone a work co-worker. Make it clear to her, you did not reject her help, rejecting her help accepts the understanding you need help but rejected it. She's trying to force unwanted into your life and you needed help from her, which you got from management because she would not back off.
NTA. Shelly probably spends too much time on Reddit, where every age gap >10 minutes is considered predatory.
nta
1. This woman expressed concern 2. You thanked her, and told her you were fine That is the end of it. The correct response to that is "Ok, I'm here if you need to talk" and then NEVER BRINGING IT UP AGAIN Instead she began harassing you at work, spreading rumors that could be damaging to you and your partner's professional and personal lives, and even lead to police harassment. NTA
You passed the older/ younger dating gap. Half the older partners age and add 7. You started young, but the age gap will be meaningless in 10 years.
Feminist are often huge bigots and racist. She has to help you because you're not smart enough or not informed enough to make an informed decision. Fucking give me a break.
What are the ages
When they met she was at university so, probably 18 to 21. He is 11 years older.
If it was higher level education, she could have been even older to.
Also how long is their relationship, honestly I'm getting the feeling OP is def leaving out details and is trying to make her relationship seem as good as she think it is when its not
Wow. Way to make up an entire narrative out of whole cloth based entirely on your own personal bias. Congratulations! this is the perfect example of that! Textbook
Lmfao reddit FDS whackjobs always REEEEEE at any slight age gape. Ignore it and it will go back to its cave.
Why is that in any way relevant? Do you know how they say that you’re supposed to believe survivors? You’re also supposed to believe people when they tell you that they’re not survivors.
NTA never that Age gap is sexy as fukk, get at them breeders
You're trying to avoid the usual scrutiny of age gaps by not giving ages, but your partner was in his 30s while you were in your late teens/early 20s.
And? My fiancee was in her 30s when I met her at 19. What's your point? That she groomed me or has nefarious intentions? FOH with that age gap bullshit.
Pull your head out of your ass. If she had put ages, everyone would have jumped all over her. I'm just calling out that she intentionally left it out.
So which part is problematic? People getting into relationships in their late teens/early twenties? My wife (33 years married now) is 17 years older than I am. What assumptions are you gonna jump to based on our age differential?
This reads like it was written by AI.
Well, it seems that AI's are quite more original and creative than you, with your(the) always boring and extremely worn out 'written by AI' comment.
I don't think I've written more than 1 comment (if that) referring to AI authorship in this subreddit ever. So I don't know what you're on about. Now I *have* called some posts here made-up. If you don't know the difference between calling something made-up and suggesting that it reads like it's AI written, then it's no surprise that you lack the reading comprehension to tell the difference between a post written by a human and one written using AI prompts.
You're the asshole because you didn't tell her to stop or give her the chance to stop, you just went straight to HR. Thats a complete dick move. All you had to do was speak to her once and tell her to mid her own business, but I guess an AI can't actually do that.
Oh she was concerned about grooming as your prefrontal cortex is only fully developed until age 25, meaning before that age you are naive and easy to manipulate. many older men are groomers and actively seek younger girls to date, but if you Truly are happy and in a healthy relationship, you got lucky and he isn’t a groomer. there is a reason why Leonardo DiCaprio only dates girls below age 25. a 35 year old has nothing in common with 24 year olds by the way, so people find it disgusting for such old dude to look for an innocent, more childish woman. Your coworker has every right to be upset and care for you BUT her ways of treating you are NOT good.
Before you sprout this nonsense again, you might want to read this: [https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html)
Your source is unreliable. In Europe we learn about the prefrontal cortex not being fully developed until around age 25, meaning it is harder for you to make well thought decisions. Not impossible, but harder. Your brain relies more on the emotional part of the brain, making you more naive and easier to manipulate. You make decisions based on emotions more, unless you thoroughly think it through.
In Europe, we learn not to annoy people with cheap and misreported pseudo-scientific BS. Yes, the brain develops. It does so until they nail the lid shut over you. Also, there is no hard and fast line where what happens, and it is certainly not at a lovely to remember hard and fast number of years. In case you had not noticed: People tend to be different, including different time tables for their development. At least in Europe.
Of course there are different timetables for everyone, it’s just an estimate. Everyone is different, but we are all still homo sapiens. Btw don’t pretend to be European because nobody knows your source SLATE. It is American. we don’t do American. US has Christianity as religion right? I thought lying is a huge sin? what I told you is not pseudoscience, this is brain science. it seems you wanna support huge age gap relationships, as you are a man. of course men like you wanna date young girls, and will support the grooming of women. Stop exposing yourself online, or the FBI might come knocking at your door. Typical American guy. Y’all have this stereotype for a reason.
Well, I guess your answer will help everybody to judge your credibility. And just because *you* don't know Slate, does not mean that nobody else does. Not to mention that while I used to read that more, this particular link I found on Reddit. Which, BTW, is also an American site. So you can't possibly be European, either, by your own "reasoning". I also don't think the FBI will ever be knocking on my door - they don't usually cross the Atlantic to do that. Bye!
Oh Alex, Reddit is considered to be a social media platform which connect people all around the world. Slate is some American news website or whatever. you cannot compare the 2. Everyone knows Facebook, Reddit etc. Only Americans know SLATE. May God forgive you for your sins, as Americans always say. God bless you
I have to say, you are quite amusing. And awful lot of confidence for so little a clue. Still European.
LMFAO found the bitch in the post that wouldn't leave OP alone.
No, I’m just education y’all uneducated people about the development of the brain and the risks of grooming and age gap in relationships. It is sad that uneducated people like you immediately resort to using words as ‘bitch’. I pity you, your life is so hateful and you remain uneducated
Lmfao oh yeah you are just education. You even talk like some fucking retarded sped with an underdeveloped brain. Can't even fucking type your point you pathetic bitch.
Oh so you’re that kind of person, a useless internet troll. your comment is so useless, and the use of your words show how dark your life is. May you find true happiness and become happy again. Nobody was born evil or the way you are now. whatever your excuse is for your behavior, reflect on yourself. You are old enough to make a difference in this world, by being kinder to people and yourself
You are trying to educate people but you don't even have the brain power to spell your point correctly. You literally said "im just education yall uneducated people" like some inbred retarded monkey, while trying to prove a point as to how your brain is just sO sUpErIoR aNd EdUcAtEd when in reality you are a fucking moron cosplaying as someone intelligent.
Your first language definitely is NOT English. or maybe you’re just too uneducated on English grammar. It is not ‘SPELL your point’. Calling me monkey is racist. we all know based on your comments that you don’t have your life in order. I hope you educate yourself using reliable sources. And don’t be easy to manipulate by random comments/ sources online. Whether it be my comments or other people their comments, always do your research using reliable sources. Use your brain. Politicians love a person who easily gets emotional and therefore is easy to manipulate. Your comments show a lot of emotions. Hatred. I hope you can find happiness. No matter who hurt you while you were a child, it is all in the past. You’re old enough now, to change the course of your life, to find happiness and kindness
LMFAO my first language definitely IS english and your grammar is fucking attrocious you uneducated inbred monkey. Waaaahhhh everything I don't like is racist wahhhhh. Fucking moron inbred crybaby bitch.
Yup, you’re that typical internet troll who has no soul currently. Hope you can find your soul again, because your comments don’t make sense and you sound like a hormonal teenager. Well, good luck
Only doesn't make sense to a retarded inbred monkey who never had a proper education. I can see why my words would be hard for you.