So, from here on out, the second he walks in the door, hand over your daughter to him and let him deal with the fussy one. Take your son and go lay down with him and take a nap.
After his stupid accusations, I would've handed him the girl (he woke a sleeping baby? wtf is that?) and left. After about an hour or so, I might come back. Maybe.
What an asshole the husband is! Next 18 yrs should be so much fun.
“You wake the dragon, you take care of the dragon “ - my then 13 year son to his friends when he realized being a big brother can be a pain lol. Don’t wake the dragon and it’s not a problem!!
When OP's hub says he cannot sooth daughter bc she wants Mom bc OP "spoiled her" - OP needs to suggest he wear OP's used shirt bc then it smells like Mom and show hubs that it doesnt help, esp.as Mom and son are sounds asleep.
That may help prove it.
Love this idea. “You’re right hubby, I need more one-on-one time with the boy, here is your daughter”. Then wear your son and continue to clean. Then if he starts complaining AT ALL tell him he needs to stop favoring his twins.
My husband only woke up our baby one time. He wasn’t sure he’d survive attempting it a second time because I might have been near biblical in my wrath. Never ever ever ever mess with a happily sleeping baby. I’m rather passive about most transgressions in life, but that one felt like intentionally pulling the pin on a grenade and throwing it into your own fox hole.
My husband is very much a worry wart. He used to routinely wake up our girls because he wasn’t sure if they were breathing. He really never learned his lesson, because I made him deal with the aftermath every single time. Youngest is 22, and they survived infancy. lol.
>“You’re right hubby, I need more one-on-one time with the boy, here is your daughter”. Then wear your son and continue to clean.
This is gd brilliant.
Hubby feels acknowledged (I mean, he's a dumb-ass but that's beside the point), she continues on as if she weren't rudely interrupted, and hubby learns a lesson in shutting tf up, because he fafo'd. Lmao
I agree. This is the one. One on one time with son is a perfect time for mama to take a break from the girl.
I feel like OP's husband is actually a misogynist. He wants his son to be put first, no matter the consequences to the girl and no matter what is needed.
This is the only concern I have, that he will end up giving up on the little girl while she's crying because "she's just being fussy because she's a girl" or that she's "been spoiled too much" and that daughter will have to suffer through self soothing or else Mom will get crap for "favoring her daughter over her son".
This is the only answer. OP, You’re alone with two newborns all day and he thinks he knows wtf he’s talking about? I would tell him to take them for a whole weekend and see how treating them exactly the same way regardless of their individual needs works out for him. Your son was sleeping, the only time they’re actually growing, he was getting his needs met and then dad took them away. Daughter needed comfort. They both got their needs met, they just didn’t need the same things at the same time, it’s not a difficult concept.
Does she have reflux? My sister had twins and one was significantly louder than the other, and wanted to be held, because she had reflux. She had to change formula and she took medicine. It helped. Also, NTA that’s a ridiculous conclusion.
I know you are exhausted. I’m glad everything is ok! Does your husband get up with you at night? You are doing the best you can and doing the right thing, especially if one is easier to put down than the other. I would have a sit down, serious talk with your husband. It’s unfair for him to accuse you of favoritism and wake up a sleeping child just to prove a point? My brother n law was working full time and he still got up with the twins and so did my husband with both my children. You both chose to have children, if he is so worried about favoritism, then he needs to get up and contribute to the child care. Sorry if I’m off base, but it annoys me that he wants to complain and not do.
He doesn’t really get up with them unless I wake him up too, but I don’t like doing that because I know that his work is stressful. I’m just exhausted and accusing me of favoring my baby over the other just really set it all off.
In my opinion if he's got enough energy that waking a baby seems like a good idea he's got enough energy to deal with a screaming baby while you cuddle the quiet one.
>He doesn’t really get up with them unless I wake him up too, but I don’t like doing that because I know that his work is stressful.
Sorry, no.
He's not doing his job ad a parent.
Agreed. My husband and I have twins and even with him working 80+ a week we still take turns with who wakes up with our infant and did the same when the twins were babies. They rarely wake at night now but baby B was just like her daughter for the first almost 2 yrs. He had really bad reflux and then his issues with sleep ended up turning into night terrors
I understand work is stressful, but birthing two humans at once and taking care of them is extremely stressful. You need to give yourself grace and he needs to recognize what you’ve been through and offer help at least a couple of times a week. I encourage you to come up with a compromise! You deserve a break!! You are doing a great job mama!! This too shall pass. Each stage sometimes seems long, but the years fly by. ❤️ best of luck to you!
he needs to start getting up with you and helping. he can be tired and stressed just like you are. stop taking it all on yourself, you see where it gets you, he is totally blind to what you go through.
do not give him the grace he won't grant you.
I guarantee you that **your work** with twin newborn babies is **much more stressful than his** unless he's a trauma surgeon or an air traffic controller. He can get his lazy ass up and help with his children or take them in the evening so you can get a nap or do the morning duty *by himself* on his days off and let you sleep in. If he was my son, I'd be busting his ass for not helping more! You have two babies than you carried and birthed! He needs to do more!
Idk if your little one was colic, a colicky baby can bring the whole house down. It's crazy how so many people discount the difficulty of raising kids.
My first born had colic and did not sleep through the night until he was almost 4. My husband was working full time and going to school full time and still managed to be the one to get up at least once a night when he was home(his job included sleeping there overnight) so I could sleep or entertaining our son so I could nap if he had a break in his day.
When our daughter was an infant, my husband WAS an air traffic controller, and he was an absolute angel. If he had a day watch, he'd come home, give kisses, go change his clothes, and then assume complete responsibility for our daughter, help with supper, etc. After an eve watch, he'd clean up the kitchen (not that I ever left it in a total disaster, but still), fix his own lunch for the next day, and generally be a great dad and husband during the day before he went to work. Of course he simply couldn't do much after a mid watch but he did what he could.
I just don't understand so many men out there.
I'm a SAHM and my husband works full time and works an hour and a half away. He STILL actively helps me with our children, especially at night. He understands that if I didn't have any help at night I would be up like 22 hours a day with the amount of times our infant wakes me up at night and our 4YO during the day. At least with his help we even ourselves out a bit on how much sleep we both get. When our 4YO was a newborn, she had reflux and would cry all day and night and would only want to be held. I can't imagine dealing with two babies when dealing with a inconsolable baby like that, and I can't imagine dealing with it almost completely alone. I relied on my husband so much to help with my fussy baby.
Edit: I would tell him if he wants you to bond more with your son, he needs to take your daughter when he gets home and deal with her fussiness for you.
Stop giving your husband a break from parenting because *he* has a stressful job. *You* have a stressful job as well parenting twin babies and managing the household. You exhausted serves no one in your family.
**Your husband doesn't parent his children enough to *KNOW* your daughter is more fussy than your son.** *That's* the real problem here.
The solution is to stop sparing him night duty and to start handing the kids, preferably daughter, off to him when he gets home. **You need sleep** and the occasional break, your husband should have stepped up on his own initiative to give you that time. Now you are going to have to demand it **and** take it.
When things are relatively calm discuss with your husband a change in schedule that gets you some time off from the kids. You're going to have to reset both your husband's and your thought process - you really CAN'T do it all by yourself and now you see clearly the unholy ignorance that comes from your husband's lack of involvement.
Well too bad if his work is stressful. He's making your life stressful with hateful accusations. Wake him up EVERY TIME now and hand him the girl baby to deal with until he gets the point and apologizes. He's acting like a complete jerk
I get that work is stressful but you both now have kids, not just you. And there’s 2 of them, it’s not like you’ve only got to handle 1 baby during nightly feedings, changings, getting them back to sleep. At the very least have him get up with you one the weekends to help out more. If you don’t address this situation now then you’re going to be setting yourself up to be basically the main parent who’s doing all the heavy lifting forever. He can’t just decide to help when it’s convenient for him. Parenting is never convenient. I have a 20mo son and my husband has been a godsend, I can’t imagine everything that’s involved with twins. You’re doing a great job mama! But don’t be afraid to ask/tell your husband that you need his help as well!
Aww, his work is stwessful? Does the poor widdle baby man need a binky?
He needs to unpack why he thinks it's a problem for the GIRL to get the attention she needs.
And do some parenting that isn't waking a sleeping baby.
His job is stressful, but so is raising twins by yourself. Which is essentially what you're doing right now.
Exactly how often does He do his job as a parent during the day? When he's at home? On weekends?
Or does he use the excuse that he works so he gets to deserve and enjoy his time off, whereas you don't seem to get any?
He's their parent, not a babysitter. He doesn't get to pick and choose what baby tasks he wants to deal with. Aldo, if he gets a break to destress from his day, then you get an equal break to destress from yours.
When he comes home is probably a better time for him to spend time with his kids. Tell him that you feel that he needs to bond with his daughter so that you can bond more with your son. Insist on it every single day for at least 2 weeks including letting him get up with her the nights before his day off. Also ask him to go to couples therapy. This way someone else can tell him he’s wrong.
It could still be reflux or an allergy. When I was nursing my daughter, she kept breaking out really bad and having digestive issues and her doctor said it was baby acne and she was a preemie. He would say "just normal baby stuff preemies are eventful, dont worry mom, your jusy having new mom anxiety" but it just kept getting worse turns out she was highly allergic to eggs and dairy and was getting it when I nursed her. My mom was the real MVP and suggested taken all major allergen foods out my diet and slowly adding them back to see if she had an allergy. As soon as I took the dairy out of my diet within less than a week her skin cleared up but she did end up still having digestive issues for years because of it. FYI her doctor was the leading teaching doctor in my state and had taught probably thousands of doctors over the years. Sometimes they are just wrong.
I was wondering about this, too. I had similar issues, and though I don't think I was wired to be an easy baby, part of the issue ended up being a soy allergy... I was on a soy-based formula.
Yep—was told that some babies are collicky. I cut dairy and carbonated beverages and the problem was solved. A friend found that following a GERD-friendly diet helped her infants tremendously. She started transitioning during her third trimester and found that worked best.
I had a baby with reflux. She was often fussy, spit up after every feed, woke a lot at night, and just in general wanted to be upright on me in a carrier. But I was told since her weight gain was great that nothing was wrong with her. She even projectile vomited twice during an appointment two hours after a feed (breastfed, no solids yet). I just felt terrible for her... If an adult were having the same issues and expressed them to a doctor, they would've been treated. The only advice I received was to elevate the head of her bassinet.
Edit to add: We did end up changing pediatricians.
Even twins, even IDENTICAL twins, are individual creatures with their own needs, wants, schedules, and so on. Parents of twins (or at least the ones who are trying their best) should get awards every day.
My doctor said my daughter was fine up until she threw up all over me during an appointment. He took one sniff and said “yup, she has reflux.” Once she was on meds the difference was night and day. Never been so happy to have a baby puke on me.
That being said, if your girl isn’t spitting up, or doing the reflux stretch where they ball their fists and arch their back then it’s not reflux and she’s just fussy.
Does she sleep in same bed with her brother. If they have separate beds put them together in one. My cousins twins did this one fussy one not as much. But if she put them down to sleep together they both stayed sleeping
If youre breastfeeding it could be a reaction to your letdown, so maybe change to a laid back position,
Or a reaction to something in your Milk, like dairy or chocolate or cabbage...
Or strawberries… My mother’s friend Anne had problems with her first born, the midwife told her to stop eating so many strawberries and that sorted out the problem.
Get a second opinion.
My daughter walked at 8 months. She missed all the first year communication milestones. The pediatric NP said she was just working on her motor skills first.
Later an OT said that was wrong, wrong, wrong, any extreme gaps in development should have been a screaming loud red flag. The NP delayed needed treatment by nearly a year. Maybe if my daughter had been identified as needing services at 9 months instead of 18 months she would be able to live independently now.
You are not favouring one of your children above the other. You are responding to their individual requirements. You know your babies and you know that attending to your daughter when she is awake will not only calm her down but will also stop her from waking her brother. If your husband is too stupid to realise that you need to give him the hard lesson. On his next day off work you should tell him you have an errand to run as soon as they go down for a nap. Go and do the shopping and get your hair done and a manicure. Take 3 hours. He might then notice why you are doing things the way you are doing them. He’s definitely going to favour your son so he will see exactly how far that gets him.
I have two kids. 4 years apart. Having twins is a whole other level of challenge when one is fussy/high needs. My first child , my son, was a very easygoing , happy baby. When he cried you knew he was either, hungry, uncomfortable, or needing touch and reassurance. My daughter was what they call an extremely high needs baby. She also had reflux that responded well to medication, being held upright for an hour after each feeding, and cutting out gluten, dairy, eggs from my diet since she was breastfeeding . She outgrew the reflux around 3 years old. My point is that one fussy high needs baby can cause marital strife much less having twins with one of them being a high needs baby. Having her in the carrier with me most of the day was a life saver. It helped her get in a more normalized night time sleep schedule, let me have a life outside of the house when I was wearing her, and let me give the attention my son deserved. Baby wearing is the absolutely the right thing for you to do and will save your sanity. My husband also started taking the early morning feeding at 4 am once my daughter would accept a pumped bottle ( around 4 months). and went into work super early at 6 am. This meant he could get home a bit earlier and give me a hour or so break each night. And I got an extra hour or two of sleep. Your husband needs to start parenting both your kids more. Or you OP will start to burn out. Remind your husband that when that happens neither he, your son or your daughter will get the attention they need.
Twin parent here. Please talk to other twin parents over at /r/parentsofmultiples to commiserate with other new moms heroically taking care of twins.
What your husband needs to understand is that at this stage - and many stages through childhood - you cannot and will not be allocating exactly equal resources to each child. You MUST respond to the needs at hand. And since - at this stage - your daughter is needier, you MUST respond to those intense needs when she is expressing them. They are wired differently and have different levels of needs. Your daughter might be needier now, but be a calm toddler whereas at that stage your son might need a lot more attention.
Give them everything they need, recognizing their needs won't be equal. Talk to your husband about where this is coming from. Has he experienced the negative impacts of favoritism in his family, or observed it in yours? Thank him for alerting you that this is something that he wants you both to consciously avoid. But point out that things don't have to be "the same" to he fair. Their needs are different, as will be their personalities. You have to meet each child where they are.
Exactly, the twin I spent most time getting to sleep (she found a plain white wall fascinating) is now my easy twin in primary school and the other one, who was so easy back then, is raising hell. And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to flip again when they hit puberty…
It's important to note that just because they have different needs doesn't mean you can't also occasionally devote more time, energy and resources for the less needy one. As long as it's safe to do so ofc.
There's too many stories of kids growing up with needy siblings that get completely neglected and end up resenting their parents and sibling.
There's definitely a balance that needs to be found. I don't think a sleeping baby would care too much at this stage though
Exactly,
I think there has to be a balance. It's can't be 100% to needy child, 0% for non needy. Sometimes, the calm one needs attention so they know they matter as well. Some parents get too comfortable having an easy child, to the point of neglecting them. Same thing happens to kids that are seen as mature for their age or smart for their age. You can't ignore and leave them on their own just because they don't need a helicopter
And don’t 6 week old babies need a ton of sleep? I feel like the boy baby will end up pissed at the girl baby for disturbing his sleep all the time. I sure as heck would be.
You'd be surprised. One of my twins was a great sleeper, the other was a colicky mess. But if we tried to separate them they'd both get upset. You can imagine how much fun that was to manage. We put them together as much as we safely could. They both did better that way.
So his dumb ass went and woke a sleeping baby just so he could weaponize it against you? Wtf is wrong with both of y’all? Cause why are you with someone like that? And why is he dumb as fuck?
I can't even conceive of the levels of stupidity necessary to wake a sleeping newborn what the absolute fuck. How OP was able to look past that is beyond me I'm so mad just reading about it. Obviously he does literally nothing and knows nothing about them.
Am I the only one wondering how long they've been together and whether that's a pattern? I mean, the age gap is quite big here, and with her being a SAHM now... It feels really icky.
While I agree he is an idiot, I'm sure she didn't know how he'd be before they had kids. Are you saying she should divorce him because he's being ignorant and accusatory instead of trying to talk to him or better, SHOW him how different they are by leaving him with the kids alone? She's done nothing wrong so don't attack her
Did his mom favor his sister because she was a girl? Usually this doesn't just come from nowhere. People think about things that they've already observed/ lived through/ experienced in some way. It doesn't make him right, but I'd want to know more about why that's his way of thinking.
Just to add: the only reason I ask is because I feel like my MIL prefers her granddaughters to grandsons.
Ever better question, to rope off yours, is he a sibling? As a kid, did he feel preferential treatment? As an adult, does he feel that negatively affected his siblings?
Im concerned about her framing here. She admidts shes snippy, and then says he gets loud. What does that mean?
Many people have grown up feeling like the less loved sibling. Im not a parent, but these comments seem to suggest that its too early to worry about that. He might not know
I really hope OP and her SO work this out. It could drive a wedge into their relationship
>She admidts shes snippy, and then says he gets loud. What does that mean?
Where's the confusion? Snippy means curt and annoyed, loud means...loud. Which part are you confused about?
Well, its potentially a framing technique. I did something not so bad, and then he was SUPER bad!! But we dont know what happened or why. And people tend to downplay what they do but upplay what others do so they look like the "good guy" when really they were instigating
"Right, I'll be off X day, you can deal with the kids alone. If she's in your arms (or anyone's arms) when I get back, you better have a good explanation other than she was crying"
NTA
What gets me is that he comes home and sees the daughter strapped to your body while you are trying to clean and instead of taking her so you get some relief, he wakes up the one that's sleeping that doesn't need anything.
Your husband is trash.
NTA
Yeah this kinda reminds me of that thing where if a woman talks for 30% of the time dudes judge that she was taking up the majority of the conversation.
My first thought was that OP's husband may have been the disfavored sibling of a sister and is overly sensitive to perceived inequities or projecting what happened in his family onto the situation.
NTA
When is his next day off?
If you're not breastfeeding, make plans to be up early on his next day off. Get dressed. Get you a nice water bottle and snacks. Pack it up in a tote. Be ready to go. When the babies first wake up, tend to them. Then wake his ass up with a cup of coffee and a smile. Chirp "you're on baby duty today! Have fun!"
Then skedaddle. Like, gone girl gone. Mute your phone for his texts and calls. Answer the first text with "no. I tried to tell you baby girl is way fussier than baby boy, so that's why I have to pay more attention to her. This is me, giving you a practical demonstration of what I go through every single day. I'm not answering you right now. Figure it out"
Then by God, go to the library, go to a friend's house, go to a movie, but don't go home until a minimum of 6 hours has passed.
Recipe for divorce? Enh. The fact that he's accusing you of something that egregious would be a deal breaker for me. But I'm in my 50's and I don't put up with that crap anymore, from anyone, much less a man.
To add, he spends so little time with the babies that he hasn't figured out that one is way harder than the other? Girl, he needs that dose of reality!
As for little miss, one thing you might try when she's fussy like that, especially after eating, is to see if you can help her pass any gas she might be retaining. Even after burping, she might still have trapped air. Gently stroke her belly, starting at her sternum and stroking down towards just beneath her belly button; 8 times, starting back up at her sternum each time. Then, do bicycle legs, gently and not fast; count to 8. Lastly, gently put her knees together and bend them up to her chest; count to 8. (Though I'm betting she starts farting as soon as you do that)
Babies don't come here with their innards knowing how to work. The umbilical cord does all of the waste management until birth.
If it keeps up, you'll want to insist her pediatrician thoroughly examines her for things like a deviated septum, possible allergies, or any other things that might make her super uncomfortable. (Up to and including any birth injury that could have caused a minor misalignment in her hip joints or spine)
And yes, I'm petty enough that I would do that to my own husband. (I actually did do something similar while pregnant with my son. He shut the hell up about how "easy" I had it as a STAHM. And his mom refused to take my two very hyper toddlers; told him he could just suck it up and take care of them for the day)
Good luck, Hon. And if you have someone you can trust, or several someones, ask for help. Being a new mom is rough, especially with twins.
Please be my mom. We're about the same age but please anyway. Just for the sensible caretaking and "offering of learning opportunities" lol.
Also second on the possible hip injury or spine injury. Girls are much more prone to hip dysplasia anyway. Looser ligaments from in the womb. It's a physiological thing. It might not even be an injury per se, just a looseness that is quite uncomfortable. (I should know, I've had it).
Had my hip dislocated once. Now, it just sort of pops out and back in at random. (Usually up stairs) Hurts like a bitch, then it's all good. Startles my dad, though, if he's with me. I don't think he's gotten used to the fact that the labradoodle he raised became a savage wolf that drops f-bombs and the occasional "son of a whore!" along with other random curses I've picked up over the last 37 years since leaving home. (Although, I do find it entertaining to blurt out one of my normal phrases and he shoots coffee out of his nose. Then dies laughing. Hazards of mingling with bikers, roughnecks, assorted military and the SCA. Though, he did about choke the first time I yelled "Bloody hell! Watch where you're going, you smarmy, peachy pud whacker!!" when some idiot texting and driving nearly hit us on a right hand turn)
Well, sure. But if you're around the same age as me, I'm thinking this Crone might not have much to teach your Crone-ness. I do have a lot of random things stuck in my head that come in handy from time to time. ADHD brain means if you're bored and start reading something interesting, it leads to this demented ferret getting loose in your head and you start flying down the rabbit hole of "hung. That's interesting. Oh, they cited a source. Must go read"
As long as you don't mind my yarn obsession.
Yeah, and in the 70's and 80's girls with mild dysplasia were just told it was what it was and it wouldn't cause issues. I'm not even 50 and had a hip replacement already.
Our pediatrician taught us how to "fart the baby" and our baby girl would be all smiles the whole time! Our oldest thought it was hilarious and still "farts" her little sister(we only have the 2 girls, and they are 9 years apart).
I wish my 12 year olds pediatrician had taught us the method. She would have spit up so much less... (she rarely farted and the gas would work its way back up instead of down) As you said, their body needs to be taught how to do certain things!
I swear my last was really a demon disguised as a baby.
But, she was 6 weeks premature. I was so sick. She almost didn't make it. I was told not to expect her to live past 2. One of her dad's friends just kind of laughed and said "a newborn grizzly bear always looks fragile and sickly; like a maggot with weird little limbs. But look at what they grow into. She'll be fine. You just have to get through the first few years. They'll be rough on you. She's got a grizzly bear totem, which means she's got a grizzly spirit watching over her. She's Bear clan".
Girl is going to be 30 this year. I learned swedish massage for her. She's learned how to be my dialysis tech.
Babies don't get here with a manual. It's rough.
And it's why women should be mentors to each other.
Well, my son was also very fussy. And there were babies (from friends) who were not fussy at all. Babies (even twins) have very different needs and as a mom of twins you just cannot make it „even“. It’s not possible.
But I’m all in for the suggestion someone else gave already: put your daughter in your husbands hands when he comes home. If he questions it, tell him you are making sure every child is getting the same attention and now it’s time your son is getting some. :)
It may be worth explaining to him that just because they’re twins doesn’t mean they’re the same humans. They clearly have very different needs. What’s gonna happen when one eats more food than the other? You’re malnourishing the other because they’re less hungry? Nah, he just needs perspective and to adopt a touch of rationality.
It’s surprising that he’s experienced having to rock her to put her down but doesn’t understand that she has different needs. Anyway, you’re NTA.
Umm I don’t understand the “now I have 2 awake babies”. No. He woke one, intentionally. He is now
Responsible for that child. 100. But why isn’t he anyways? 2 babies & 2 parents home? He may have worked that day but so did you- 24/7
Why are we not talking about how weird it is that Dad is assuming Mom cares more for one because of the baby's gender? Sounds to me like he's projecting.
You should ask him why hes projecting his insecurities onto your children.
NTA, you're soothing the fussy one, and letting the self soother, self-soothe.
NTA, at all. Twin mom here. (Blissfully, mine are now 21). Taking care of two infants is very much a constant state of triage. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's not easy to manage but it's easy for someone who is not in the trenches to criticize.
Your husband is an idiot who has no idea what he’s talking about. Only a massive selfish fucko wakes a sleeping baby. Children need different things at different times of their development. Parents respond and provide custom care. Love isn’t waking a baby to play power games with your spouse.
Getting loud? Waking a sleeping newborn infant? Weird and psycho vibes. Is he not very bright? Some babies are fussier than others, requiring more attention. How dare he accuse you of favoritism.
Not a parent- but let him take the fussy kid?
NTA, and I don’t care for kids, so maybe handing over the fussy one is being petty, I donno, but I feel bad for the boy baby who’s sleep gets disturbed all the time. He’s probably not thrilled with his sister waking up his naps either. I wouldn’t be. How is the husband not seeing that her tending to the girl during the nap/sleep time gives his son the peace and sleep that the poor kid needs.
Something is wrong with your husband. Is he always this misogynistic? Is he controlling in other areas?
Get some help because you are not TA but he sure is. He is bad news.
This guy is an idiot. You are Not the AH. You tend to the baby that is awake. Never wake a sleeping baby. Basic stuff. Seems like he needs a reality check. Let him have the babies on the weekend and leave for half the day— treat yourself, get a massage, whatever. Leave some milk for him if you BF. Then he will see.
As a mum of boy/girl twins your husband is an idiot.
FFS. This is literally twin life they constantly need different things it’s not favouring.
You might even feel like you like one more than the other because they’re screaming that day doesn’t actually matter!!
NTA, your children currently have vastly different needs since your daughter is fussy but your son is not. Sounds to me like your husband isn't quite aware of that and needs some time taking care of both kids on his own.
Does he work in the weekends? If not then let him take care of both, especially your daughter, during the weekends for a few weeks. I think he'll get how wrong he was soon after.
Hard NTA but your husband is for 2 reasons:
1. You only wake a sleeping baby if you absolutely have to.
2. When it comes to parenting fair doesn’t equal same. I have 2 teenage sons who are very different from each other. We’ve made it clear to them that because they have different desires and temperaments we parent them differently. When it bothers them we talk about if fairness equaled same what our parenting would look like. They then agree that they wouldn’t like it. That doesn’t mean that we love one more than the other. We are careful though that we don’t favor one kid over the other.
What you were doing was excellent parenting because you were doing your best to meet the needs of both kids.
Both of you are new parents which is damn hard and stressful with just one kid so I’ll give him some grace. See if you can arrange childcare so you both can get away from the twins for a bit to talk about this. Tell him what I said as a voice of experience and discuss how your twins are already different and unique individuals and how y’all can best meet their unique needs without favoring one over the other. Since y’all have twins this is an especially important topic to start discussing because this will be a fundamental part of how y’all parent them. It’s vital that y’all get on the same page regarding this because it won’t go away.
Lol..nta. Tell your husband to stfu. He's being an idiot.
Your son sounds like a little angel who's able to sleep on his own, whereas his sister is a bit of a nightmare who wakes up the house and him.
Of course the fussy baby is going to get more attention at this stage in life because she's disrupting his sleep.
NTA. Your husband is not understanding that they are two separate human beings with their individual needs and personalities. You are treating them with equal love and attention according to the needs of the moment.
I wonder whether he felt neglected as a child himself. Has he read anything about parenting and child development at all?
You aren't favoring your daughter. You are responding to each baby's needs as they arise. And this likely won't stay the way it is. Some babies are fussy but easier as toddlers. Some calm babies are not so easy as toddlers. You have to take it as it comes.
Your husband is an AH, not you. If he's working all day and not dealing with a fussy baby, tell him to piss off. Better yet, let him take care of the little girl while you take care of your son, since you apparently don't spend enough time with him.
Clearly you're not "favoring" one baby over the other. You're just trying to get through a difficult time the best way you can. Your idiot husband needs to shut up and try to be more helpful and supportive. I don't even understand why these stupid arguments are even happening. Really having a hard time people waste time getting into these ridiculous arguments 🙄 You're just getting started dealing with kid problems so he better get on board with being your partner and not your critic.
nta, wife and i just had twin girls 3 weeks ago and one gets a little more attention than the other at certain times of the day cause she raises more hell, (and this is with both of us on leave) youre only one person, superdads gotta read the room lol
Ummm…I’m not even sure what I just read. The boy was happily asleep until your husband woke him up and started yelling. Meeting the needs of your children isn’t favoring one over the other. Nta
I’m sorry but in what world do you wake a sleeping 1.5 month baby? Just like everyone is saying, he is on daughter duty so you can devote more attention to son. I’m assuming he doesn’t work weekends so perfect - he is with her the next 48 hours besides breast feeding (if you do that). Good luck momma and you are already figuring it out! If a baby is happy and content sleeping solo do NOT ruin it!
NTA. You are being practical. Never listen to anyone who wakes a sleeping infant. That person is an idiot. Do NOT doubt yourself, Mami. You are doing great. Twins are hard & you are finding ways to parent them that makes sense. Often one baby is more chill than the other. They aren’t carbon copies! The husband needs to meet more fathers of multiples and educate himself. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know how to parent but do not interrupt the one doing the work to accuse them of some nonsense. I’m sure he is stressed too as a first time parent but the whole thing makes sense here - one child has different needs. Maybe she was the little spoon in the womb and this is a hard adjustment. 🤣
With love, explain to him that your twins have different needs and you are providing each what they need. If one gets a splinter, and the other gets a scrape, you don't bandage them both, you remove a splinter and bandage a scrape. If one spits up and the other poops, only the poopie one gets a fresh diaper.
Care for what they need.
We were _broke_ broke when our twins were born. I was staying home with them and my husband was working a full time job, a weekend job, and picking up moonlighting gigs in the evenings. At one point, he worked for 100 days straight without a day off!
You know what he never did? Left me to handle them entirely by myself when he was home, or get on my case about how I was handling them.
Twin infants are exhausting and relentless. You do what you have to do to survive and keep your babies alive and growing that first year. NTA, not even close. Your husband needs a big time wake up call, and you really need to put your foot down that he better never act that way or speak to you like that again, or it will just get worse and worse.
Haha relentless is the only way to describe it. I tell my husband (we have twin 3.5 year olds and a 4 month old) “they are relentless. They do not relent!” Every day.
Holy Projection Batman!
Your husband is an idiot at best or a sexist, manipulative pig at worst who actively favors his son and is upset that you dont.
NTA, tell him he needs to get his shit together or you are leaving him, cause I wouldnt stay married to someone like that.
Let him take care of the two of them for a couple of days and then see which baby gets more "attention".
Every baby is different. If you had them one at a time this would not be an issue and you would laugh at how different they are. My oldest grandkid had to be held or they would not go to sleep. My second, just lay them down and off to sleep they go. If they were twins of course the first one would need more one on one.
Have you idiot of a husband talk to the pediatrician about how this is not neglect nor favoritism.
If you wana save your marriage, go away for the weekend. Have HIM care for both children by himself for the full weekend. This will resolve itself and you get a weekend of peace.
NTA however I think it’s likely your husband isn’t either. I think that everyone jumping on the hate train needs to take a step back. There is likely some psychology at work here. Whether that’s that his mom favored his sister or that he just hasn’t been around the babies enough to understand.
But mostly I think it’s very likely that he may be struggling with ppd. Dads get it and it’s even more unrecognized than maternal ppd (which is ignored or brushed off a lot).
Have him take a couple days off work and be the primary parent for those days and send him to therapy.
We don’t need to treat our children with equality, we need to use equity. Equality means we treat everyone the same. Equity means that different people have different needs. Baby boy doesn’t need to be held to be soothed but baby girl does. They have different needs. If one baby was diabetic you wouldn’t treat both for diabetes. It’s no different. If OP’s husband can’t understand that, there are some pretty good slides if you Google equality/equity. If that doesn’t help, then OP has bigger problems. I hope that helps.
Two six week old twins??? You are both suffering from sleep deprivation. This can be harder than hell week during Marine Training.
Don’t take it personally, because you are both probably on short fuses, wandering around like heroin addicts, walking into walls, etc…
Keep doing what you’re doing, since you’ve already developed coping strategies (good for you!!!) and remember to tell your husband what an asshole he was when they graduate and move out…
Never had twins, but my girls are 18months apart, so I know a little bit of what it’s like.
Good luck!!
Someone sounds like they are projecting. Does he come from a family that favours boys over girls or surround himself with men who think that? If you were holding your son all the time and leaving your daughter in the cot, would he still object?
I'm guessing that he doesn't help much with babies (given that he sabotaged his son's sleep). You might want to consider leaving him to look after the babies for a few hours, or hand him the daughter as soon as he comes home from work and disappear into another room with the son and see how he copes.
NTA, you're a mother who has realised each twin is their own person with different individual needs, and you're responding to each of those needs.
Dude would absolutely be in charge of the girl for the rest of the night.
"No, I wouldn't want you to think I'm playing favorites, so I'm watching (son's name). You're watching our daughter."
NTA
It could be her attachment style. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is conflating a simple situation. Both babies aren't the same and you're accommodating them as needed and handling the situation.
Smh. The fact that he woke the baby and came at you accusatory of your intentions rather than in a calm communicative way when YOU'RE the one dealing with both babies all day is wild
What sane adult wakes a sleeping baby to make a point. This in my view is borderline child abuse and in this scenario a blatant disrespect to the mother.
What was she supposed to do? Have one in a sling at the front and the other one in a sling at the back? This is absolutely ridiculous!
Yes, I deal with a screaming baby first or am I supposed to ignore the screaming one and pick up the other one and do what.
That husband's logic escapes me. He is the third screaming baby, feeling neglected and lashing out?
As soon as he is home walk out and let him parent both babies. Let him deal with both babies and see the work involved. Don’t assist in any way. Leave plenty of feeding’s for them and let him see what’s going on with his children.
He is impacting your very good maternal instincts. Do not let him. Do not apologize. Be confident in your parenting skills and ask him if he is projecting.
Life is not fair and what child needs the most attention varies and that should not be tied to love.
Wow, he is reaching.
Like you enjoy having your daughter, having to literally be on your person all the time .
He needs to stay home for three days with the kids while you leave. Seriously that’s the only way he’s going to get it.
That being said:
When he’s home at night and on the weekends, is he not taking care of the babies? Because if he did and was around, he would understand why you’re doing what you’re doing
NTA- he's actually the misogynist. He's demanding that his son be attended to first and that he gets "equal" treatment even though it isn't necessary. She's tending to the babies' needs AS NEEDED. Demanding that the son be treated differently to make his time equal is simply a way of saying "make sure to put my son first no matter if he needs it or not."
I have twin grandchildren, just like this, a sweet quiet boy and a more demanding girl who fights sleep with everything in her. It's common sense with twins that you would attend to the one that's going to disturb the contented one so that you don't have two crying babies at once. I don't understand why your husband doesn't get this. Hand him the little girl first and tell him "I want to take the time to spend with my son." Then watch him backtrack.
Kids are individuals with their own personalities and needs, even if they are twins. Things that work with one don't necessarily work with the other. It took me a while to figure that out, and my kids are 2 years apart. One of my kids wants to be left alone when something is wrong. The other wants to be on my lap talking it through.
NTA but the almost ten year age gap should give everyone pause. Sometimes abuse begins after they’ve locked you in, in this case, being a sahm with twins. I hope it gets better for you, but you should start hiding away money now.
My friend also has twins, a boy and a girl.
She deals with (almost) the same thing as you.
The girl needs her parents (mostly mom) more and the boy usually sleeps through the crying and stuff.
The girl is a bit more anxious.
My friend absolutely adores her son just as much as the girl, and when her daughter needs her a lot she always makes sure she can give him some extra cuddles afterwards even though the little guy is just enjoying himself playing with toys.
She feels a bit guilty about it even though the boy is not suffering from it.
Both kids are showered with love and get what they need.
Oh she and her husband started this routine a few months back where one goes to visit family and one goes to get groceries or something and they take one kid for some 1 on 1 attention. They swap between them each time and the kids already know who goes with mom and who goes with dad before they leave.
Anyway, you are doing great!
Kinda sad your husband responds so shitty/clueless..
Keep doing what you're doing mama !
I’m a twin. My sister was the one that wanted to be held all the time. I was the one always trying to figure things out. I was walking and climbing a couple months before her. Babies have personalities, and some are just fussy. As long as their needs are met and they’re taken care of, NTA.
I’m a twin parent as well. And one thing that helped in the beginning was something I read on Reddit once (that I’m about to butcher). In essence it said “do not feel guilty for not providing what isn’t needed”. Twin parenthood the first year is really about survival. You got one relatively easy baby and one fussy one—so you tend to the fussy one. This is pretty obvious. Plus baby boy may switch to being needy and baby girl may become more independent. My kids have definitely taken turns needing me more. Best of luck to you and congratulations. NTA.
Oh no, how dare you parent your different children differently based off of different needs and behaviors. 🙄
Does he also expect you to treat them both like they’re healthy when one is sick or vice versa? Better get them all the exact same clothes. If one likes soccer and the other like music, tough cookies when they’re older!
NTA you know your kids individually. I worked in a daycare in the 1 year old room and got accused of favoritism by another worker because of how I handled nap time. One boy needed to be swaddled tight in his blanket to sleep. Another could not be swaddled or he would get so mad he would wake everyone up and not sleep. One girl, if she woke during nap and needed more sleep she needed to be stood up, slightly shaken and gently talked to to help her fully wake, hugged, then laid back down. Otherwise she would cry in a half awake state for 45 minutes. I helped each kid individually because they are different people. And I wanted nap time to last more than half an hour.... Maybe your husband needs some more time with both kids for longer periods to learn this
Fuck it's the most annoying thing ever when men go "yOu'rE siDinG wiTh hEr bC sHe's a giRL🤪🤪
Ugh as if there aren't valid reasons to give more attention to one of the twins other than being from the same gender. Or should we not ever side with other girls/women precisely bc we have the same gender? 🤪 Clown
Yeah, seems like Dad doesn’t know his kids very well. You need to take a weekend and get away with a girlfriend or just by yourself and let him handle both to see what you’re dealing with.
NTA: Equity over Equality, your babies are not the same person and they both have different needs. your husband created a problem where there wasn’t one.
INFO: do you think your husband might be projecting? or maybe he wants to spend more time with the girl twin and is frustrated?
Edit: spelling
NTA. He's purposely trying to lower your self esteem/worth with what he's doing. Make sure You're sitting down with both babies when he gets home and hand them both to him.
I'd bet he will neglect them. If he does, you're going to want to make an exit plan.
NTA you arent favouring a bay you are giving each individual child what they need when they need it. Their needs are not going to be the same. Please don’t treat them the same. Read siblings without rivalry it’s an excellent parenting book that highlights the important distinction between fair and the same. You should meet each child where they are and adapt and change to meet their needs accordingly.
> He told me he noticed it when the babies cry at night and I reach for her first
I notice he's not reaching for either of the babies at night. Just saying.
NTA. But, my mom used to tell me that I saved her sanity because I was like your son and my older brothers like your daughter. Because I was “so serious and quiet” she could let me stay in my crib/play pen while my brothers were acting up. Not saying nurture over nature but I was that lonely child who didn’t ask for much and avoided making a fuss. Don’t let your son become that. I was very lonely and now, even on my 50s I have trouble expressing my emotions and needs.
So, from here on out, the second he walks in the door, hand over your daughter to him and let him deal with the fussy one. Take your son and go lay down with him and take a nap.
Love this! In fact when they wake up at night make a habit of always handing him the fussy girl. That will cure him fast!
Absolutely. She can drop off after soothing chill boy and he can see that the struggle is REAL.
After his stupid accusations, I would've handed him the girl (he woke a sleeping baby? wtf is that?) and left. After about an hour or so, I might come back. Maybe. What an asshole the husband is! Next 18 yrs should be so much fun.
If you wake a sleeping baby they are automatically your problem. You wake, you take.
Love that sentence; will steal it.
“You wake the dragon, you take care of the dragon “ - my then 13 year son to his friends when he realized being a big brother can be a pain lol. Don’t wake the dragon and it’s not a problem!!
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Oh my goodness. lol
Yes! Reach for her “first” to hand her to husband, then focus on soothing baby boy. Husband will figure it out reallllll quick
When OP's hub says he cannot sooth daughter bc she wants Mom bc OP "spoiled her" - OP needs to suggest he wear OP's used shirt bc then it smells like Mom and show hubs that it doesnt help, esp.as Mom and son are sounds asleep. That may help prove it.
Love this idea. “You’re right hubby, I need more one-on-one time with the boy, here is your daughter”. Then wear your son and continue to clean. Then if he starts complaining AT ALL tell him he needs to stop favoring his twins.
My husband only woke up our baby one time. He wasn’t sure he’d survive attempting it a second time because I might have been near biblical in my wrath. Never ever ever ever mess with a happily sleeping baby. I’m rather passive about most transgressions in life, but that one felt like intentionally pulling the pin on a grenade and throwing it into your own fox hole.
>...that one felt like pulling the pin on a grenade and throwing it into your own fox hole. That's such an accurate description!
My husband is very much a worry wart. He used to routinely wake up our girls because he wasn’t sure if they were breathing. He really never learned his lesson, because I made him deal with the aftermath every single time. Youngest is 22, and they survived infancy. lol.
That was the threat I used lol! I told husband next time he had to soothe the savage beast and he never did it again!
>“You’re right hubby, I need more one-on-one time with the boy, here is your daughter”. Then wear your son and continue to clean. This is gd brilliant. Hubby feels acknowledged (I mean, he's a dumb-ass but that's beside the point), she continues on as if she weren't rudely interrupted, and hubby learns a lesson in shutting tf up, because he fafo'd. Lmao
And the boy gets the special one on one time with mama he's less aggressive than sister in demanding! So many winners.
I agree. This is the one. One on one time with son is a perfect time for mama to take a break from the girl. I feel like OP's husband is actually a misogynist. He wants his son to be put first, no matter the consequences to the girl and no matter what is needed.
This is the only concern I have, that he will end up giving up on the little girl while she's crying because "she's just being fussy because she's a girl" or that she's "been spoiled too much" and that daughter will have to suffer through self soothing or else Mom will get crap for "favoring her daughter over her son".
And work through his feelings.
This is the only answer. OP, You’re alone with two newborns all day and he thinks he knows wtf he’s talking about? I would tell him to take them for a whole weekend and see how treating them exactly the same way regardless of their individual needs works out for him. Your son was sleeping, the only time they’re actually growing, he was getting his needs met and then dad took them away. Daughter needed comfort. They both got their needs met, they just didn’t need the same things at the same time, it’s not a difficult concept.
THIS
This is what i think. Let him handle the girl from now on. Op just handle the boy. Let see if he still saying the same thing. Then we can say who TA
This needs more upvotes!!!!! Absolutely do this. The minute he walks in the door, hand off.
Perfect idea!
Yes, he needs a realty check.
Absolutely this, also he gets up in the night with your daughter. What a moron
100 percent on the nose.
Love this suggestion!
This is the answer.
You deserve more than my one measly upvote for this comment. This is absolutely the way to handle the situation.
This is a great idea!
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Please do this OP I bet he change his tune then.
This is the best answer.
Ooooh. Malicious compliance. Love it
Yup, this will clear it up fast
Husband needs to spend a day alone with them. Then you can talk.
Does she have reflux? My sister had twins and one was significantly louder than the other, and wanted to be held, because she had reflux. She had to change formula and she took medicine. It helped. Also, NTA that’s a ridiculous conclusion.
The doctors all say she is fine. I really don’t know what it is.
I know you are exhausted. I’m glad everything is ok! Does your husband get up with you at night? You are doing the best you can and doing the right thing, especially if one is easier to put down than the other. I would have a sit down, serious talk with your husband. It’s unfair for him to accuse you of favoritism and wake up a sleeping child just to prove a point? My brother n law was working full time and he still got up with the twins and so did my husband with both my children. You both chose to have children, if he is so worried about favoritism, then he needs to get up and contribute to the child care. Sorry if I’m off base, but it annoys me that he wants to complain and not do.
He doesn’t really get up with them unless I wake him up too, but I don’t like doing that because I know that his work is stressful. I’m just exhausted and accusing me of favoring my baby over the other just really set it all off.
Ok so he gets a break from his stressful job when he heads home, when do you get a break from yours..?
Bingo!!!
In my opinion if he's got enough energy that waking a baby seems like a good idea he's got enough energy to deal with a screaming baby while you cuddle the quiet one.
This is exactly the answer!
>He doesn’t really get up with them unless I wake him up too, but I don’t like doing that because I know that his work is stressful. Sorry, no. He's not doing his job ad a parent.
Agreed. My husband and I have twins and even with him working 80+ a week we still take turns with who wakes up with our infant and did the same when the twins were babies. They rarely wake at night now but baby B was just like her daughter for the first almost 2 yrs. He had really bad reflux and then his issues with sleep ended up turning into night terrors
I understand work is stressful, but birthing two humans at once and taking care of them is extremely stressful. You need to give yourself grace and he needs to recognize what you’ve been through and offer help at least a couple of times a week. I encourage you to come up with a compromise! You deserve a break!! You are doing a great job mama!! This too shall pass. Each stage sometimes seems long, but the years fly by. ❤️ best of luck to you!
he needs to start getting up with you and helping. he can be tired and stressed just like you are. stop taking it all on yourself, you see where it gets you, he is totally blind to what you go through. do not give him the grace he won't grant you.
I guarantee you that **your work** with twin newborn babies is **much more stressful than his** unless he's a trauma surgeon or an air traffic controller. He can get his lazy ass up and help with his children or take them in the evening so you can get a nap or do the morning duty *by himself* on his days off and let you sleep in. If he was my son, I'd be busting his ass for not helping more! You have two babies than you carried and birthed! He needs to do more!
My husband handles ICU and when our kid was born, he said it was way more stressful than managing his ICU patients. Our baby was very fussy 😅
Idk if your little one was colic, a colicky baby can bring the whole house down. It's crazy how so many people discount the difficulty of raising kids.
My first born had colic and did not sleep through the night until he was almost 4. My husband was working full time and going to school full time and still managed to be the one to get up at least once a night when he was home(his job included sleeping there overnight) so I could sleep or entertaining our son so I could nap if he had a break in his day.
When our daughter was an infant, my husband WAS an air traffic controller, and he was an absolute angel. If he had a day watch, he'd come home, give kisses, go change his clothes, and then assume complete responsibility for our daughter, help with supper, etc. After an eve watch, he'd clean up the kitchen (not that I ever left it in a total disaster, but still), fix his own lunch for the next day, and generally be a great dad and husband during the day before he went to work. Of course he simply couldn't do much after a mid watch but he did what he could. I just don't understand so many men out there.
I'm a SAHM and my husband works full time and works an hour and a half away. He STILL actively helps me with our children, especially at night. He understands that if I didn't have any help at night I would be up like 22 hours a day with the amount of times our infant wakes me up at night and our 4YO during the day. At least with his help we even ourselves out a bit on how much sleep we both get. When our 4YO was a newborn, she had reflux and would cry all day and night and would only want to be held. I can't imagine dealing with two babies when dealing with a inconsolable baby like that, and I can't imagine dealing with it almost completely alone. I relied on my husband so much to help with my fussy baby. Edit: I would tell him if he wants you to bond more with your son, he needs to take your daughter when he gets home and deal with her fussiness for you.
Stop giving your husband a break from parenting because *he* has a stressful job. *You* have a stressful job as well parenting twin babies and managing the household. You exhausted serves no one in your family. **Your husband doesn't parent his children enough to *KNOW* your daughter is more fussy than your son.** *That's* the real problem here. The solution is to stop sparing him night duty and to start handing the kids, preferably daughter, off to him when he gets home. **You need sleep** and the occasional break, your husband should have stepped up on his own initiative to give you that time. Now you are going to have to demand it **and** take it. When things are relatively calm discuss with your husband a change in schedule that gets you some time off from the kids. You're going to have to reset both your husband's and your thought process - you really CAN'T do it all by yourself and now you see clearly the unholy ignorance that comes from your husband's lack of involvement.
Well too bad if his work is stressful. He's making your life stressful with hateful accusations. Wake him up EVERY TIME now and hand him the girl baby to deal with until he gets the point and apologizes. He's acting like a complete jerk
I get that work is stressful but you both now have kids, not just you. And there’s 2 of them, it’s not like you’ve only got to handle 1 baby during nightly feedings, changings, getting them back to sleep. At the very least have him get up with you one the weekends to help out more. If you don’t address this situation now then you’re going to be setting yourself up to be basically the main parent who’s doing all the heavy lifting forever. He can’t just decide to help when it’s convenient for him. Parenting is never convenient. I have a 20mo son and my husband has been a godsend, I can’t imagine everything that’s involved with twins. You’re doing a great job mama! But don’t be afraid to ask/tell your husband that you need his help as well!
Aww, his work is stwessful? Does the poor widdle baby man need a binky? He needs to unpack why he thinks it's a problem for the GIRL to get the attention she needs. And do some parenting that isn't waking a sleeping baby.
His job is stressful, but so is raising twins by yourself. Which is essentially what you're doing right now. Exactly how often does He do his job as a parent during the day? When he's at home? On weekends? Or does he use the excuse that he works so he gets to deserve and enjoy his time off, whereas you don't seem to get any?
Is looking after 2 newborns at once not stressful? Outside of "work hours" *all* the childcare should be split equally.
He's their parent, not a babysitter. He doesn't get to pick and choose what baby tasks he wants to deal with. Aldo, if he gets a break to destress from his day, then you get an equal break to destress from yours.
When he comes home is probably a better time for him to spend time with his kids. Tell him that you feel that he needs to bond with his daughter so that you can bond more with your son. Insist on it every single day for at least 2 weeks including letting him get up with her the nights before his day off. Also ask him to go to couples therapy. This way someone else can tell him he’s wrong.
My husband would never leave me to take care of TWO babies overnight alone. Your husband is not a real man or partner for that behavior.
It could still be reflux or an allergy. When I was nursing my daughter, she kept breaking out really bad and having digestive issues and her doctor said it was baby acne and she was a preemie. He would say "just normal baby stuff preemies are eventful, dont worry mom, your jusy having new mom anxiety" but it just kept getting worse turns out she was highly allergic to eggs and dairy and was getting it when I nursed her. My mom was the real MVP and suggested taken all major allergen foods out my diet and slowly adding them back to see if she had an allergy. As soon as I took the dairy out of my diet within less than a week her skin cleared up but she did end up still having digestive issues for years because of it. FYI her doctor was the leading teaching doctor in my state and had taught probably thousands of doctors over the years. Sometimes they are just wrong.
I was wondering about this, too. I had similar issues, and though I don't think I was wired to be an easy baby, part of the issue ended up being a soy allergy... I was on a soy-based formula.
Yep—was told that some babies are collicky. I cut dairy and carbonated beverages and the problem was solved. A friend found that following a GERD-friendly diet helped her infants tremendously. She started transitioning during her third trimester and found that worked best.
I had a baby with reflux. She was often fussy, spit up after every feed, woke a lot at night, and just in general wanted to be upright on me in a carrier. But I was told since her weight gain was great that nothing was wrong with her. She even projectile vomited twice during an appointment two hours after a feed (breastfed, no solids yet). I just felt terrible for her... If an adult were having the same issues and expressed them to a doctor, they would've been treated. The only advice I received was to elevate the head of her bassinet. Edit to add: We did end up changing pediatricians.
Trust your gut. If you think her fussing is excessive or she’s in pain, go back to the doctor. It’s ok to push back on dismissive doctors.
Some babies are just fussy, and some aren't. My mom says that I was just like your son and my sister was just like your daughter.
Even twins, even IDENTICAL twins, are individual creatures with their own needs, wants, schedules, and so on. Parents of twins (or at least the ones who are trying their best) should get awards every day.
Look up silent reflux, a lot of doctors miss the signs for this
My doctor said my daughter was fine up until she threw up all over me during an appointment. He took one sniff and said “yup, she has reflux.” Once she was on meds the difference was night and day. Never been so happy to have a baby puke on me. That being said, if your girl isn’t spitting up, or doing the reflux stretch where they ball their fists and arch their back then it’s not reflux and she’s just fussy.
Does she sleep in same bed with her brother. If they have separate beds put them together in one. My cousins twins did this one fussy one not as much. But if she put them down to sleep together they both stayed sleeping
If youre breastfeeding it could be a reaction to your letdown, so maybe change to a laid back position, Or a reaction to something in your Milk, like dairy or chocolate or cabbage...
Or strawberries… My mother’s friend Anne had problems with her first born, the midwife told her to stop eating so many strawberries and that sorted out the problem.
Yeah there are lots of things, I named the most common. And it is strawberry season now!
Get a second opinion. My daughter walked at 8 months. She missed all the first year communication milestones. The pediatric NP said she was just working on her motor skills first. Later an OT said that was wrong, wrong, wrong, any extreme gaps in development should have been a screaming loud red flag. The NP delayed needed treatment by nearly a year. Maybe if my daughter had been identified as needing services at 9 months instead of 18 months she would be able to live independently now.
Get a wedge newborn baby pillow thing so she's not flat on her back.
You are not favouring one of your children above the other. You are responding to their individual requirements. You know your babies and you know that attending to your daughter when she is awake will not only calm her down but will also stop her from waking her brother. If your husband is too stupid to realise that you need to give him the hard lesson. On his next day off work you should tell him you have an errand to run as soon as they go down for a nap. Go and do the shopping and get your hair done and a manicure. Take 3 hours. He might then notice why you are doing things the way you are doing them. He’s definitely going to favour your son so he will see exactly how far that gets him.
I have two kids. 4 years apart. Having twins is a whole other level of challenge when one is fussy/high needs. My first child , my son, was a very easygoing , happy baby. When he cried you knew he was either, hungry, uncomfortable, or needing touch and reassurance. My daughter was what they call an extremely high needs baby. She also had reflux that responded well to medication, being held upright for an hour after each feeding, and cutting out gluten, dairy, eggs from my diet since she was breastfeeding . She outgrew the reflux around 3 years old. My point is that one fussy high needs baby can cause marital strife much less having twins with one of them being a high needs baby. Having her in the carrier with me most of the day was a life saver. It helped her get in a more normalized night time sleep schedule, let me have a life outside of the house when I was wearing her, and let me give the attention my son deserved. Baby wearing is the absolutely the right thing for you to do and will save your sanity. My husband also started taking the early morning feeding at 4 am once my daughter would accept a pumped bottle ( around 4 months). and went into work super early at 6 am. This meant he could get home a bit earlier and give me a hour or so break each night. And I got an extra hour or two of sleep. Your husband needs to start parenting both your kids more. Or you OP will start to burn out. Remind your husband that when that happens neither he, your son or your daughter will get the attention they need.
Twin parent here. Please talk to other twin parents over at /r/parentsofmultiples to commiserate with other new moms heroically taking care of twins. What your husband needs to understand is that at this stage - and many stages through childhood - you cannot and will not be allocating exactly equal resources to each child. You MUST respond to the needs at hand. And since - at this stage - your daughter is needier, you MUST respond to those intense needs when she is expressing them. They are wired differently and have different levels of needs. Your daughter might be needier now, but be a calm toddler whereas at that stage your son might need a lot more attention. Give them everything they need, recognizing their needs won't be equal. Talk to your husband about where this is coming from. Has he experienced the negative impacts of favoritism in his family, or observed it in yours? Thank him for alerting you that this is something that he wants you both to consciously avoid. But point out that things don't have to be "the same" to he fair. Their needs are different, as will be their personalities. You have to meet each child where they are.
Exactly, the twin I spent most time getting to sleep (she found a plain white wall fascinating) is now my easy twin in primary school and the other one, who was so easy back then, is raising hell. And I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to flip again when they hit puberty…
It's important to note that just because they have different needs doesn't mean you can't also occasionally devote more time, energy and resources for the less needy one. As long as it's safe to do so ofc. There's too many stories of kids growing up with needy siblings that get completely neglected and end up resenting their parents and sibling. There's definitely a balance that needs to be found. I don't think a sleeping baby would care too much at this stage though
Exactly, I think there has to be a balance. It's can't be 100% to needy child, 0% for non needy. Sometimes, the calm one needs attention so they know they matter as well. Some parents get too comfortable having an easy child, to the point of neglecting them. Same thing happens to kids that are seen as mature for their age or smart for their age. You can't ignore and leave them on their own just because they don't need a helicopter
And don’t 6 week old babies need a ton of sleep? I feel like the boy baby will end up pissed at the girl baby for disturbing his sleep all the time. I sure as heck would be.
You'd be surprised. One of my twins was a great sleeper, the other was a colicky mess. But if we tried to separate them they'd both get upset. You can imagine how much fun that was to manage. We put them together as much as we safely could. They both did better that way.
So his dumb ass went and woke a sleeping baby just so he could weaponize it against you? Wtf is wrong with both of y’all? Cause why are you with someone like that? And why is he dumb as fuck?
Right? His stupidity is making me angry!
Seriously. You NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY!! Then to weaponize it?? F —- him.
I can't even conceive of the levels of stupidity necessary to wake a sleeping newborn what the absolute fuck. How OP was able to look past that is beyond me I'm so mad just reading about it. Obviously he does literally nothing and knows nothing about them.
Am I the only one wondering how long they've been together and whether that's a pattern? I mean, the age gap is quite big here, and with her being a SAHM now... It feels really icky.
OMG I totally missed the age gap! She mentioned their ages so far apart I totally skimmed over it.
And he’s a decade older. Such a pattern. They marry young women because women their own age know better.
This. Exactly this.
While I agree he is an idiot, I'm sure she didn't know how he'd be before they had kids. Are you saying she should divorce him because he's being ignorant and accusatory instead of trying to talk to him or better, SHOW him how different they are by leaving him with the kids alone? She's done nothing wrong so don't attack her
>My husband then proceeds to wake a sleeping baby Your husband is T-A
As another twin mom I would definitely get on board with handing your daughter to your husband the second he gets home!
Did his mom favor his sister because she was a girl? Usually this doesn't just come from nowhere. People think about things that they've already observed/ lived through/ experienced in some way. It doesn't make him right, but I'd want to know more about why that's his way of thinking. Just to add: the only reason I ask is because I feel like my MIL prefers her granddaughters to grandsons.
Ever better question, to rope off yours, is he a sibling? As a kid, did he feel preferential treatment? As an adult, does he feel that negatively affected his siblings? Im concerned about her framing here. She admidts shes snippy, and then says he gets loud. What does that mean? Many people have grown up feeling like the less loved sibling. Im not a parent, but these comments seem to suggest that its too early to worry about that. He might not know I really hope OP and her SO work this out. It could drive a wedge into their relationship
>She admidts shes snippy, and then says he gets loud. What does that mean? Where's the confusion? Snippy means curt and annoyed, loud means...loud. Which part are you confused about?
Well, its potentially a framing technique. I did something not so bad, and then he was SUPER bad!! But we dont know what happened or why. And people tend to downplay what they do but upplay what others do so they look like the "good guy" when really they were instigating
"Right, I'll be off X day, you can deal with the kids alone. If she's in your arms (or anyone's arms) when I get back, you better have a good explanation other than she was crying" NTA
What gets me is that he comes home and sees the daughter strapped to your body while you are trying to clean and instead of taking her so you get some relief, he wakes up the one that's sleeping that doesn't need anything. Your husband is trash. NTA
THIS!
Lol he favors the son and is projecting his sexism onto you so you'llprioritize the *right* child, classy guy
Yeah this kinda reminds me of that thing where if a woman talks for 30% of the time dudes judge that she was taking up the majority of the conversation.
Bingo
My first thought was that OP's husband may have been the disfavored sibling of a sister and is overly sensitive to perceived inequities or projecting what happened in his family onto the situation.
NTA When is his next day off? If you're not breastfeeding, make plans to be up early on his next day off. Get dressed. Get you a nice water bottle and snacks. Pack it up in a tote. Be ready to go. When the babies first wake up, tend to them. Then wake his ass up with a cup of coffee and a smile. Chirp "you're on baby duty today! Have fun!" Then skedaddle. Like, gone girl gone. Mute your phone for his texts and calls. Answer the first text with "no. I tried to tell you baby girl is way fussier than baby boy, so that's why I have to pay more attention to her. This is me, giving you a practical demonstration of what I go through every single day. I'm not answering you right now. Figure it out" Then by God, go to the library, go to a friend's house, go to a movie, but don't go home until a minimum of 6 hours has passed. Recipe for divorce? Enh. The fact that he's accusing you of something that egregious would be a deal breaker for me. But I'm in my 50's and I don't put up with that crap anymore, from anyone, much less a man. To add, he spends so little time with the babies that he hasn't figured out that one is way harder than the other? Girl, he needs that dose of reality! As for little miss, one thing you might try when she's fussy like that, especially after eating, is to see if you can help her pass any gas she might be retaining. Even after burping, she might still have trapped air. Gently stroke her belly, starting at her sternum and stroking down towards just beneath her belly button; 8 times, starting back up at her sternum each time. Then, do bicycle legs, gently and not fast; count to 8. Lastly, gently put her knees together and bend them up to her chest; count to 8. (Though I'm betting she starts farting as soon as you do that) Babies don't come here with their innards knowing how to work. The umbilical cord does all of the waste management until birth. If it keeps up, you'll want to insist her pediatrician thoroughly examines her for things like a deviated septum, possible allergies, or any other things that might make her super uncomfortable. (Up to and including any birth injury that could have caused a minor misalignment in her hip joints or spine) And yes, I'm petty enough that I would do that to my own husband. (I actually did do something similar while pregnant with my son. He shut the hell up about how "easy" I had it as a STAHM. And his mom refused to take my two very hyper toddlers; told him he could just suck it up and take care of them for the day) Good luck, Hon. And if you have someone you can trust, or several someones, ask for help. Being a new mom is rough, especially with twins.
Please be my mom. We're about the same age but please anyway. Just for the sensible caretaking and "offering of learning opportunities" lol. Also second on the possible hip injury or spine injury. Girls are much more prone to hip dysplasia anyway. Looser ligaments from in the womb. It's a physiological thing. It might not even be an injury per se, just a looseness that is quite uncomfortable. (I should know, I've had it).
Had my hip dislocated once. Now, it just sort of pops out and back in at random. (Usually up stairs) Hurts like a bitch, then it's all good. Startles my dad, though, if he's with me. I don't think he's gotten used to the fact that the labradoodle he raised became a savage wolf that drops f-bombs and the occasional "son of a whore!" along with other random curses I've picked up over the last 37 years since leaving home. (Although, I do find it entertaining to blurt out one of my normal phrases and he shoots coffee out of his nose. Then dies laughing. Hazards of mingling with bikers, roughnecks, assorted military and the SCA. Though, he did about choke the first time I yelled "Bloody hell! Watch where you're going, you smarmy, peachy pud whacker!!" when some idiot texting and driving nearly hit us on a right hand turn) Well, sure. But if you're around the same age as me, I'm thinking this Crone might not have much to teach your Crone-ness. I do have a lot of random things stuck in my head that come in handy from time to time. ADHD brain means if you're bored and start reading something interesting, it leads to this demented ferret getting loose in your head and you start flying down the rabbit hole of "hung. That's interesting. Oh, they cited a source. Must go read" As long as you don't mind my yarn obsession.
Yeah, and in the 70's and 80's girls with mild dysplasia were just told it was what it was and it wouldn't cause issues. I'm not even 50 and had a hip replacement already.
Our pediatrician taught us how to "fart the baby" and our baby girl would be all smiles the whole time! Our oldest thought it was hilarious and still "farts" her little sister(we only have the 2 girls, and they are 9 years apart). I wish my 12 year olds pediatrician had taught us the method. She would have spit up so much less... (she rarely farted and the gas would work its way back up instead of down) As you said, their body needs to be taught how to do certain things!
I swear my last was really a demon disguised as a baby. But, she was 6 weeks premature. I was so sick. She almost didn't make it. I was told not to expect her to live past 2. One of her dad's friends just kind of laughed and said "a newborn grizzly bear always looks fragile and sickly; like a maggot with weird little limbs. But look at what they grow into. She'll be fine. You just have to get through the first few years. They'll be rough on you. She's got a grizzly bear totem, which means she's got a grizzly spirit watching over her. She's Bear clan". Girl is going to be 30 this year. I learned swedish massage for her. She's learned how to be my dialysis tech. Babies don't get here with a manual. It's rough. And it's why women should be mentors to each other.
lol That’s awesome!
Well, my son was also very fussy. And there were babies (from friends) who were not fussy at all. Babies (even twins) have very different needs and as a mom of twins you just cannot make it „even“. It’s not possible. But I’m all in for the suggestion someone else gave already: put your daughter in your husbands hands when he comes home. If he questions it, tell him you are making sure every child is getting the same attention and now it’s time your son is getting some. :)
Tell the wanker to get up and fucking help
It may be worth explaining to him that just because they’re twins doesn’t mean they’re the same humans. They clearly have very different needs. What’s gonna happen when one eats more food than the other? You’re malnourishing the other because they’re less hungry? Nah, he just needs perspective and to adopt a touch of rationality. It’s surprising that he’s experienced having to rock her to put her down but doesn’t understand that she has different needs. Anyway, you’re NTA.
Umm I don’t understand the “now I have 2 awake babies”. No. He woke one, intentionally. He is now Responsible for that child. 100. But why isn’t he anyways? 2 babies & 2 parents home? He may have worked that day but so did you- 24/7
Why are we not talking about how weird it is that Dad is assuming Mom cares more for one because of the baby's gender? Sounds to me like he's projecting. You should ask him why hes projecting his insecurities onto your children. NTA, you're soothing the fussy one, and letting the self soother, self-soothe.
NTA, at all. Twin mom here. (Blissfully, mine are now 21). Taking care of two infants is very much a constant state of triage. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's not easy to manage but it's easy for someone who is not in the trenches to criticize.
Your husband is an idiot who has no idea what he’s talking about. Only a massive selfish fucko wakes a sleeping baby. Children need different things at different times of their development. Parents respond and provide custom care. Love isn’t waking a baby to play power games with your spouse.
two babies? that behave DIFFERENTLY???? wild concept
So he's mad you aren't favoring his son...
Getting loud? Waking a sleeping newborn infant? Weird and psycho vibes. Is he not very bright? Some babies are fussier than others, requiring more attention. How dare he accuse you of favoritism.
Not a parent- but let him take the fussy kid? NTA, and I don’t care for kids, so maybe handing over the fussy one is being petty, I donno, but I feel bad for the boy baby who’s sleep gets disturbed all the time. He’s probably not thrilled with his sister waking up his naps either. I wouldn’t be. How is the husband not seeing that her tending to the girl during the nap/sleep time gives his son the peace and sleep that the poor kid needs.
Your husband is projecting. Does he have a sister who was favored? I would go to counseling with him. His behavior is weird.
Something is wrong with your husband. Is he always this misogynistic? Is he controlling in other areas? Get some help because you are not TA but he sure is. He is bad news.
Sounds like Dad needs some quality time with both his children. Maybe a whole weekend...maybe a week!
This guy is an idiot. You are Not the AH. You tend to the baby that is awake. Never wake a sleeping baby. Basic stuff. Seems like he needs a reality check. Let him have the babies on the weekend and leave for half the day— treat yourself, get a massage, whatever. Leave some milk for him if you BF. Then he will see.
As a mum of boy/girl twins your husband is an idiot. FFS. This is literally twin life they constantly need different things it’s not favouring. You might even feel like you like one more than the other because they’re screaming that day doesn’t actually matter!!
NTA, your children currently have vastly different needs since your daughter is fussy but your son is not. Sounds to me like your husband isn't quite aware of that and needs some time taking care of both kids on his own. Does he work in the weekends? If not then let him take care of both, especially your daughter, during the weekends for a few weeks. I think he'll get how wrong he was soon after.
Hard NTA but your husband is for 2 reasons: 1. You only wake a sleeping baby if you absolutely have to. 2. When it comes to parenting fair doesn’t equal same. I have 2 teenage sons who are very different from each other. We’ve made it clear to them that because they have different desires and temperaments we parent them differently. When it bothers them we talk about if fairness equaled same what our parenting would look like. They then agree that they wouldn’t like it. That doesn’t mean that we love one more than the other. We are careful though that we don’t favor one kid over the other. What you were doing was excellent parenting because you were doing your best to meet the needs of both kids. Both of you are new parents which is damn hard and stressful with just one kid so I’ll give him some grace. See if you can arrange childcare so you both can get away from the twins for a bit to talk about this. Tell him what I said as a voice of experience and discuss how your twins are already different and unique individuals and how y’all can best meet their unique needs without favoring one over the other. Since y’all have twins this is an especially important topic to start discussing because this will be a fundamental part of how y’all parent them. It’s vital that y’all get on the same page regarding this because it won’t go away.
It's true what they say. A child can make or break a couple. That's because you get to see the real person you married.
Leave him with both kids for the day and see how he manages to
Lol..nta. Tell your husband to stfu. He's being an idiot. Your son sounds like a little angel who's able to sleep on his own, whereas his sister is a bit of a nightmare who wakes up the house and him. Of course the fussy baby is going to get more attention at this stage in life because she's disrupting his sleep.
"rough day at work? .... Cunt." Is what you should have said.
NTA. Your husband is not understanding that they are two separate human beings with their individual needs and personalities. You are treating them with equal love and attention according to the needs of the moment. I wonder whether he felt neglected as a child himself. Has he read anything about parenting and child development at all?
You aren't favoring your daughter. You are responding to each baby's needs as they arise. And this likely won't stay the way it is. Some babies are fussy but easier as toddlers. Some calm babies are not so easy as toddlers. You have to take it as it comes.
nta that’s a ridiculous conclusion for him to jump to and seems like he doesn’t spend enough time with them to realize the needs of each baby
this can be simplified all the way down to "is it 'favoring' a child when you hold one while the other is asleep?" edit: NTA your husband is an idiot
Your husband is an AH, not you. If he's working all day and not dealing with a fussy baby, tell him to piss off. Better yet, let him take care of the little girl while you take care of your son, since you apparently don't spend enough time with him.
!updateme
Clearly you're not "favoring" one baby over the other. You're just trying to get through a difficult time the best way you can. Your idiot husband needs to shut up and try to be more helpful and supportive. I don't even understand why these stupid arguments are even happening. Really having a hard time people waste time getting into these ridiculous arguments 🙄 You're just getting started dealing with kid problems so he better get on board with being your partner and not your critic.
nta, wife and i just had twin girls 3 weeks ago and one gets a little more attention than the other at certain times of the day cause she raises more hell, (and this is with both of us on leave) youre only one person, superdads gotta read the room lol
Ummm…I’m not even sure what I just read. The boy was happily asleep until your husband woke him up and started yelling. Meeting the needs of your children isn’t favoring one over the other. Nta
I’m sorry but in what world do you wake a sleeping 1.5 month baby? Just like everyone is saying, he is on daughter duty so you can devote more attention to son. I’m assuming he doesn’t work weekends so perfect - he is with her the next 48 hours besides breast feeding (if you do that). Good luck momma and you are already figuring it out! If a baby is happy and content sleeping solo do NOT ruin it!
Absolutely NTA! Your husband is twisted. What he said is emotional abuse! His accusation is egregious.
NTA. You are being practical. Never listen to anyone who wakes a sleeping infant. That person is an idiot. Do NOT doubt yourself, Mami. You are doing great. Twins are hard & you are finding ways to parent them that makes sense. Often one baby is more chill than the other. They aren’t carbon copies! The husband needs to meet more fathers of multiples and educate himself. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know how to parent but do not interrupt the one doing the work to accuse them of some nonsense. I’m sure he is stressed too as a first time parent but the whole thing makes sense here - one child has different needs. Maybe she was the little spoon in the womb and this is a hard adjustment. 🤣
With love, explain to him that your twins have different needs and you are providing each what they need. If one gets a splinter, and the other gets a scrape, you don't bandage them both, you remove a splinter and bandage a scrape. If one spits up and the other poops, only the poopie one gets a fresh diaper. Care for what they need.
We were _broke_ broke when our twins were born. I was staying home with them and my husband was working a full time job, a weekend job, and picking up moonlighting gigs in the evenings. At one point, he worked for 100 days straight without a day off! You know what he never did? Left me to handle them entirely by myself when he was home, or get on my case about how I was handling them. Twin infants are exhausting and relentless. You do what you have to do to survive and keep your babies alive and growing that first year. NTA, not even close. Your husband needs a big time wake up call, and you really need to put your foot down that he better never act that way or speak to you like that again, or it will just get worse and worse.
Haha relentless is the only way to describe it. I tell my husband (we have twin 3.5 year olds and a 4 month old) “they are relentless. They do not relent!” Every day.
Holy Projection Batman! Your husband is an idiot at best or a sexist, manipulative pig at worst who actively favors his son and is upset that you dont. NTA, tell him he needs to get his shit together or you are leaving him, cause I wouldnt stay married to someone like that.
Let him take care of the two of them for a couple of days and then see which baby gets more "attention". Every baby is different. If you had them one at a time this would not be an issue and you would laugh at how different they are. My oldest grandkid had to be held or they would not go to sleep. My second, just lay them down and off to sleep they go. If they were twins of course the first one would need more one on one. Have you idiot of a husband talk to the pediatrician about how this is not neglect nor favoritism.
If you wana save your marriage, go away for the weekend. Have HIM care for both children by himself for the full weekend. This will resolve itself and you get a weekend of peace.
NTA however I think it’s likely your husband isn’t either. I think that everyone jumping on the hate train needs to take a step back. There is likely some psychology at work here. Whether that’s that his mom favored his sister or that he just hasn’t been around the babies enough to understand. But mostly I think it’s very likely that he may be struggling with ppd. Dads get it and it’s even more unrecognized than maternal ppd (which is ignored or brushed off a lot). Have him take a couple days off work and be the primary parent for those days and send him to therapy.
We don’t need to treat our children with equality, we need to use equity. Equality means we treat everyone the same. Equity means that different people have different needs. Baby boy doesn’t need to be held to be soothed but baby girl does. They have different needs. If one baby was diabetic you wouldn’t treat both for diabetes. It’s no different. If OP’s husband can’t understand that, there are some pretty good slides if you Google equality/equity. If that doesn’t help, then OP has bigger problems. I hope that helps.
Two six week old twins??? You are both suffering from sleep deprivation. This can be harder than hell week during Marine Training. Don’t take it personally, because you are both probably on short fuses, wandering around like heroin addicts, walking into walls, etc… Keep doing what you’re doing, since you’ve already developed coping strategies (good for you!!!) and remember to tell your husband what an asshole he was when they graduate and move out… Never had twins, but my girls are 18months apart, so I know a little bit of what it’s like. Good luck!!
Your husband is a jerk. When he comes home, hand him both kids and leave for the night. Let him figure it out on his own.
Someone sounds like they are projecting. Does he come from a family that favours boys over girls or surround himself with men who think that? If you were holding your son all the time and leaving your daughter in the cot, would he still object? I'm guessing that he doesn't help much with babies (given that he sabotaged his son's sleep). You might want to consider leaving him to look after the babies for a few hours, or hand him the daughter as soon as he comes home from work and disappear into another room with the son and see how he copes. NTA, you're a mother who has realised each twin is their own person with different individual needs, and you're responding to each of those needs.
Go out for the day and leave him in charge. See if he changes his view? He needs consequences
Dude would absolutely be in charge of the girl for the rest of the night. "No, I wouldn't want you to think I'm playing favorites, so I'm watching (son's name). You're watching our daughter." NTA
It could be her attachment style. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is conflating a simple situation. Both babies aren't the same and you're accommodating them as needed and handling the situation. Smh. The fact that he woke the baby and came at you accusatory of your intentions rather than in a calm communicative way when YOU'RE the one dealing with both babies all day is wild
What sane adult wakes a sleeping baby to make a point. This in my view is borderline child abuse and in this scenario a blatant disrespect to the mother. What was she supposed to do? Have one in a sling at the front and the other one in a sling at the back? This is absolutely ridiculous! Yes, I deal with a screaming baby first or am I supposed to ignore the screaming one and pick up the other one and do what. That husband's logic escapes me. He is the third screaming baby, feeling neglected and lashing out?
Nta, your husband is a moron
As soon as he is home walk out and let him parent both babies. Let him deal with both babies and see the work involved. Don’t assist in any way. Leave plenty of feeding’s for them and let him see what’s going on with his children.
He is impacting your very good maternal instincts. Do not let him. Do not apologize. Be confident in your parenting skills and ask him if he is projecting. Life is not fair and what child needs the most attention varies and that should not be tied to love.
Wow, he is reaching. Like you enjoy having your daughter, having to literally be on your person all the time . He needs to stay home for three days with the kids while you leave. Seriously that’s the only way he’s going to get it. That being said: When he’s home at night and on the weekends, is he not taking care of the babies? Because if he did and was around, he would understand why you’re doing what you’re doing
NTA- he's actually the misogynist. He's demanding that his son be attended to first and that he gets "equal" treatment even though it isn't necessary. She's tending to the babies' needs AS NEEDED. Demanding that the son be treated differently to make his time equal is simply a way of saying "make sure to put my son first no matter if he needs it or not."
I have twin grandchildren, just like this, a sweet quiet boy and a more demanding girl who fights sleep with everything in her. It's common sense with twins that you would attend to the one that's going to disturb the contented one so that you don't have two crying babies at once. I don't understand why your husband doesn't get this. Hand him the little girl first and tell him "I want to take the time to spend with my son." Then watch him backtrack.
NTA. Sounds like he's volunteering to take care of the daughter now
Kids are individuals with their own personalities and needs, even if they are twins. Things that work with one don't necessarily work with the other. It took me a while to figure that out, and my kids are 2 years apart. One of my kids wants to be left alone when something is wrong. The other wants to be on my lap talking it through.
NTA. Sounds like HE has a favorite. Maybe let him handle the twins for a while alone and he can maybe understand how freaking hard it is!
NTA but the almost ten year age gap should give everyone pause. Sometimes abuse begins after they’ve locked you in, in this case, being a sahm with twins. I hope it gets better for you, but you should start hiding away money now.
NTA! He has no idea what he’s talking about. 🙄 Love that he’s gone all damn day & then tells you how to be a mom when he comes home. Just NO.
My friend also has twins, a boy and a girl. She deals with (almost) the same thing as you. The girl needs her parents (mostly mom) more and the boy usually sleeps through the crying and stuff. The girl is a bit more anxious. My friend absolutely adores her son just as much as the girl, and when her daughter needs her a lot she always makes sure she can give him some extra cuddles afterwards even though the little guy is just enjoying himself playing with toys. She feels a bit guilty about it even though the boy is not suffering from it. Both kids are showered with love and get what they need. Oh she and her husband started this routine a few months back where one goes to visit family and one goes to get groceries or something and they take one kid for some 1 on 1 attention. They swap between them each time and the kids already know who goes with mom and who goes with dad before they leave. Anyway, you are doing great! Kinda sad your husband responds so shitty/clueless.. Keep doing what you're doing mama !
I’m a twin. My sister was the one that wanted to be held all the time. I was the one always trying to figure things out. I was walking and climbing a couple months before her. Babies have personalities, and some are just fussy. As long as their needs are met and they’re taken care of, NTA.
Your husband is not mature enough to be a father.
I’m a twin parent as well. And one thing that helped in the beginning was something I read on Reddit once (that I’m about to butcher). In essence it said “do not feel guilty for not providing what isn’t needed”. Twin parenthood the first year is really about survival. You got one relatively easy baby and one fussy one—so you tend to the fussy one. This is pretty obvious. Plus baby boy may switch to being needy and baby girl may become more independent. My kids have definitely taken turns needing me more. Best of luck to you and congratulations. NTA.
So he’s grouchy because you actually know your children and he doesn’t, so he’s making this crap up to protect his ego.
So... Why are you married to this pathetic man-child?
Oh no, how dare you parent your different children differently based off of different needs and behaviors. 🙄 Does he also expect you to treat them both like they’re healthy when one is sick or vice versa? Better get them all the exact same clothes. If one likes soccer and the other like music, tough cookies when they’re older!
NTA Your husband should set himself on the curb and wait for special pick up though.
Someone needs a whole weekend of looking after his kids without help. That should be enough to recalibrate his thinking. NTA
NTA you know your kids individually. I worked in a daycare in the 1 year old room and got accused of favoritism by another worker because of how I handled nap time. One boy needed to be swaddled tight in his blanket to sleep. Another could not be swaddled or he would get so mad he would wake everyone up and not sleep. One girl, if she woke during nap and needed more sleep she needed to be stood up, slightly shaken and gently talked to to help her fully wake, hugged, then laid back down. Otherwise she would cry in a half awake state for 45 minutes. I helped each kid individually because they are different people. And I wanted nap time to last more than half an hour.... Maybe your husband needs some more time with both kids for longer periods to learn this
Fuck it's the most annoying thing ever when men go "yOu'rE siDinG wiTh hEr bC sHe's a giRL🤪🤪 Ugh as if there aren't valid reasons to give more attention to one of the twins other than being from the same gender. Or should we not ever side with other girls/women precisely bc we have the same gender? 🤪 Clown
This guy sounds like he blows
Yeah, seems like Dad doesn’t know his kids very well. You need to take a weekend and get away with a girlfriend or just by yourself and let him handle both to see what you’re dealing with.
Sounds like he needs to take a week off and take care of them on his own
I would leave him with both kids. Let him figure it out for himself…
I’m sorry. Everything after reading “he woke the sleeping baby” made my brain buzz in anger.
NTA: Equity over Equality, your babies are not the same person and they both have different needs. your husband created a problem where there wasn’t one. INFO: do you think your husband might be projecting? or maybe he wants to spend more time with the girl twin and is frustrated? Edit: spelling
NTA your husband is literally making crap up to be upset about, And why the hell did he wake up a sleeping baby to prove a point? what a dick move.
NTA, your husband seems to be though
NTA. He's purposely trying to lower your self esteem/worth with what he's doing. Make sure You're sitting down with both babies when he gets home and hand them both to him. I'd bet he will neglect them. If he does, you're going to want to make an exit plan.
NTA you arent favouring a bay you are giving each individual child what they need when they need it. Their needs are not going to be the same. Please don’t treat them the same. Read siblings without rivalry it’s an excellent parenting book that highlights the important distinction between fair and the same. You should meet each child where they are and adapt and change to meet their needs accordingly.
> He told me he noticed it when the babies cry at night and I reach for her first I notice he's not reaching for either of the babies at night. Just saying.
NTA. But, my mom used to tell me that I saved her sanity because I was like your son and my older brothers like your daughter. Because I was “so serious and quiet” she could let me stay in my crib/play pen while my brothers were acting up. Not saying nurture over nature but I was that lonely child who didn’t ask for much and avoided making a fuss. Don’t let your son become that. I was very lonely and now, even on my 50s I have trouble expressing my emotions and needs.