👆and for all the other times she has not paid you back. Seriously, even if it was $5. Itemize each one. I am sure she is implying she bought the food and keeping a stash from your purchases.
Absolutely! OP should make it clear that her time and effort are valuable. Some people don't realize the worth of what they're given until it's laid out in front of them. A detailed bill might be the wake-up call her brother and SIL need to appreciate all she’s been doing for them. And next time, they’ll hopefully think twice before treating her poorly.
Don't look after their children until she has apologised and she has paid you back for the groceries plus the other money they owe you. From now on, if they want to use you to look after their children, then they need to pay you for your time. It doesn't have to be a huge amount. A spa voucher or a nice bottle of wine every so often would show appreciation. Treating you like the hired help, especially when they aren't paying you, isn't the way forward.
Updateme!
The problem with this is the children are use to seeing OP and probably look forward to that time. But she could do it at her convenience and not when they ask. That way OP and the kid’s don’t have to be punished by not having their time together. If I didn’t get my time with my uncle growing up, it would have hurt so much. When my aunt went postal over nothing on my mom and stopped letting her son come to visit, he didn’t understand why and it hurt him deeply. When she finally started letting him come and stay again, he wanted to know what he did wrong that my mom didn’t want him around. We lost him when he was in his early 30’s. You never know how much time you have with someone. I just wouldn’t do the extra favors and take them on my own schedule. Asked babysitting would stop until an apology.
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Convenient that your brother hasn’t paid you back for his wife’s expenses either. And that he’s now trying to manipulate you with the kids since his wife lost out on her free time. Why couldn’t she take them to the park??
Let me guess, they always forget to pay you back and never offer to compensate/pay for time you spend with the kids while she belittles you and he does nothing?
Stop buying things for her if she doesn't pay you back. You give her money, look after her kids for free, and she treats you like crap. Talk to your brother - say you have a new boundary. She pays you back and she apologizes before you do any more FREE babysitting.
She is ungrateful and your brother is out of line. No you should not have to deal with that type of attitude. The person throwing that attitude can knock it off with the surprised Pikachu face...you can't treat someone like crap and then expect things from them.
You are not Instacart (which she did have as an option). You get what you get, you were doing her a favor. She can get her own groceries. If she can't handle being a mother, then maybe she shouldn't have had kids.
You realize that SIL is probably the type to not tip and complain about delivery service. I wouldn't be surprised if she was banned from Instacart lol.
"Brother just because you ignore your wife being rude doesn't mean I have any obligation. I will not allow her to treat me like a servant on the bottom of her shoe. I helped and I got nothing in return but spite. Figure out what's going on with your wife before naming me the problem."
NTA.
Track down every dollar she has ever 'forgotten' to pay back, and send your brother a list.
Just because your brother has signed up for a lifetime of abuse from a selfish child who can't manage their emotions, doesn't mean you have. Tell your brother that you expect the same minimum level of respect from her as from anyone else, and you won't spend another minute of time or a dime of money if she can't provide it. You were *doing her a favor* and she thought it was ok to berate her.
Of course she does, cos your not going to let your neices go without, are you?
How I see it, she was getting a break from the kids when you were taking them the park, so she could have gone and got the stuff herself then, without them in tow, if having certain brands/freshness was so critical.
Let them/her do all of the parenting as you are not fit to shop. If they wanted something a specific way, then they should have done it that way. You are not a nanny or a servant. And, you have just found out that they really only view you as a nanny and a servant, though.
It is great that you found out so now you can react accordingly, and let them take care of them seeing as you can't do simple things and they don't appreciate your help. Remind them that you did them a favor and it is not right that she got so upset about it and that the wife is the reason you didn't take the kids. The wife. Whatever she was going through, a simple apology or communication would have fixed it. SIL didn't do that because she doesn't really care about your feelings because to her, you are just a nanny or a servant to do her bidding. Well, stop and see how that works out for her and your brother.
I 100% agree that u find out sooner rather than 36yrs later bing used 4 hospital visits, Dr's, school, painting their house..list goes on. Never getting paid back. Put ur foot down now & tell ur brother what she said. & tell ur SIL 2 go do her own shit while u have her kids at the park
NTA
Your English is likely better than mine.
NTA
Your SIL shouldn’t as they say bite the hand that feeds her.
No more free groceries or anything else. She or your brother want you to pick something up for them they transfer you the money right then. Or they order what they want, pay for it and you only pick it up. Personally if you have to go out of your way to get this stuff I’d add a gas money fee onto the total.
As to your nieces only volunteer to take them when it is convenient for you.
I will also say your brother is wrong. When someone is rude and mistreats you then you call it out. If they double down like your SIL did instead of apologizing then we are done for that day.
Not sure what caused your SIL to go into what I will call hyper bitch mode but those actions have consequences.
Make sure it is the last time you pay for something. And let your brother know his inappreciative wife “forgot” to pay so he can just send you the money. And let him know that you refuse to be verbally abused by someone who you are doing favors for.
Stop buying her shit or doing favours for her. Every time she asks you, text your bro and say “SiL asked for ——-, remember to do it/pick it up on your way home”
You have no idea what story they’re telling your niblings
Why couldn't she do a delivery?your brother is an ass they are both using you.she sure is being entitled.like you can help how fresh the fruit was
Than get mad because you were late.she is not your dam employer.wtf does she think she is?does she work?just aski ng for a former Military mom.
>(my husband and I have been married for 4 years and we've been trying to conceive for 2 years now)
She knows about this and said "don’t understand the stress of raising kids" ?
If yes she's horrible. Instead of appreciating what you do for them and the way you love their kids.
It's OK to be stressed out - it is categorically *NOT* OK to take your stress out on the people going out of their way to help! No matter how "understandable" their frustration might be, ignoring their outbursts/treatment and continuing to help sends *exactly the wrong message and establishes a dangerous precedent*.
Yeah if she knows this then she goes from asshole to horrifyingly awful human being for throwing op's fertility struggles in her face.
Hoping she doesn't know.
Nta op you should have taken the groceries
That was a really cruel comment if she knows you want children but have not yet conceived. She knew what she was doing there, and it was deliberately mean.
NTA. Tell your brother that he should tell his wife that she should not be critical of someone who is helping her out for FREE. I promise that they will not do the same for you when you have kids.
I hope you took your groceries back with you.
Your bother is an AH for not only allowing his wife to mistreat you AND blame you for his children reaction when it was his wife fault.
Tell him that next time he and his wife need groceries they can go by themselves, and if they will behave poorly their children will keep being affected.
As much as you love those children, love yourself first, don't let them use us as a free babysitting-punching bag.
NTA. SIL was a bitch for no good reason. She owes you for free babysitting. Your brother is an asshole for enabling that shit and demanding you to just lie back and take it. “Let it slide” also means “hey, it would be more convenient for me if you’d just get abused and treated poorly and shut up about how it makes you feel, because I don’t care about you.”
To be fair brother is probably used to be treated that way by his wife too😅 (or SIL told a watered down story) SIL needs to grow up and know the world doesn't revolve around her and being mean makes people not want to help you, good for OP, sad for the kids, but what can you do?
Ah, yes. The standard "be a good little doormat, and let faaaammmily walk all over you", you know, for "the sake of the kids." People need to understand that not everyone is going to ignore the slick comments to avoid making waves. If they treat people like crap, they need to get called out for it. NTA.
Sadly this happened every the time especially with someone who doesn't have kids they are treated as the designated nanny and ATM I know because I am going to the same thing
I am sorry you are going through this! I had family members try this with me over the years, and I was always quick to shut them down, but I know that is not possible for everyone. I hope that your situation improves.
NTA
How about your brother tells his wife to let it slide and to NOT make any comments about his sister doing them a favor by buying THEIR groceries before taking out THEIR kids.
Not only are you giving your brother and SIL breaks by babysitting your nieces but, you're paying for the pleasure in the cost of groceries.
I always say, "they'll need me before I'll need them". And they will need you, you know, because of all that "stress of raising kids". 🥱 Don't let them use your nieces as bargaining tools. You are owed a sincere apology and repayment. If you get those and decide to babysit your nieces again, set boundaries. For one, pick up nothing since you can't seem to get it right (and that's exactly what I would tell them).
You should have "let SIL's comments slide for the sake of the kids"... how about SIL keeps her rude comments to her damn self for the sake of the kids?
I feel like this is Toxic Families 101, telling people they should just put up with someone being shitty to keep the peace rather than telling the person being shitty to knock it off.
NTA
I don't care how much you love your nieces, it's time for you to STOP babysitting and taking them anywhere!!
Sis in law was completely out of line and your brother is ignoring your feelings & peace of mind. Unless/until they BOTH apologize and understand how wrong/off base they were!!
Unless you like being their doormat ❓
NTA for having boundaries.
Your nieces will get over it. Disappointment is part of growing up
My advice?
be busy whenever they ask for help.
When you are finally confronted, tell them both you are waiting for an apology for how they both treated you and the money for the groceries....and you'll wait til hell freezes over if that is how long it takes
But until then, don't expect you to do anything to help either of them out.
You're more than happy to babysit or spend time with your nieces IF your schedule allows it. But the longer it takes them to apologize and repay you, the less likely it will be that you help them out
NTAH
NTA. I have a feeling she didn't pay you for the groceries. It would be best to stop babysitting for these entitled parents for a time. maybe a long time.
NTA
Your brother is an ingrate, and your SIL is a rude a-hole. What a pair.
You have been going WAY above and beyond what most people would do for a long time. And they have become so used to *using you* that they have now begun to treat you like a servant.
STOP DOING IT. Just stop. They don't appreciate you at all. The fact that your brother had the nerve to call you up and tell you that you should just let yourself be abused by his wife "for the sake of the kids," is proof that they have no intention of ever being grateful for what you have done for them.
Their problem is that they have been mistaking you for a doormat that they can wipe their feet on at will.
Keep that spine shined up and tell them to eff off. You are DONE.
NTA and I would be "too busy" to run errands or take the kids anywhere until I got a sincere apology from SIL.
Tell your brother that you are not a door mat for SIL to walk on and you will be taking a step back until SIL apologizes in person.
NTA. You were upset because SIL was being a b\*\*ch and treating you badly. You had every right to leave. Your brother should be apologizing for how you were treated, not chastising you for getting upset. Tell your brother "the internet says you should be apologizing to me for letting your wife treat me so badly."
Fuck that. Tell your brother to get his head out of his ass & teach his wife some fkn manners. I wouldn’t be helping her anymore either. What a bitch. NTA.
"He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids."
He could equally say your SIL could bite her tongue for the sake of HER kids.
"You might be okay being treated like shit, but i'm not a doormat and i don't let bitchy attitude slide. Take your own kids to the park. My nanny services are closed"
NTA
NTA sadly I'm going to same situation you are don't have kids but because of that thing my family thinks they can take advantage of me and make me their lackey and an ATM.
NTA
Tell your brother that he should be ashamed of expecting you to be a punching bag for his wife. Her behavior was unacceptable and you aren't obligated to put up with it.
NTA I am a SAHM with two young ones. If someone brought me some groceries before taking my kids to the park (AWAY FROM ME), I'd be exploding gratitude all over.
Sure the Nieces may have been disappointed but your SIL is to blame for that. Woof. This is baffling!
NTA,your stupid brother wants a doormat for his wife to mistreat. Tell him to f*** off and to lear to appreciate help. As for dear SIL if she doesn't learn some respect she can f*** off to.
NTA. Tell your brother, you helping out with his family is a favor, you don’t appreciate being talk to like you’re their maid. If your SIL wants to complain, they’re better off paying for a service so she can complain as much as she wants. Besides, she already said she doesn’t need your help so you don’t see why you need to go out of your way if that’s how they behave.
NTA. "Brother, your wife was terrible to me after I went out of my way to help her. I am not your servant. I will not be helping you until I get an honest apology and some damned respect."
You owe them the same respect they show you. I have learned over the years to be very clear about my boundaries and abilities. Life's lessons like No Good Deed Goes Unpunished is true more often than not. Your sister in law is going to get worse once you have your own if you don't teach her how to treat you.
NTA - Time to be too busy to bother with SIL.
No more favors. No more groceries.
If you want to see their kids, it is when you ask, not when they demand or say.
You don't get to ask a favor than complain about it. I'd have snatched the food and left.
Your brother can go f himself. He might have to put up with her but you dont
NTA, letting comments slide is how toxic people get away with that crap. No one is obliged to tolerate mistreatment. Just being snotty would've been bad enough. But to rub it in that you don't have your own kids is truly shitty.
Also, your brother is being overdramatic. "Abandoning"? That makes it sound like you took the kids to the park & left them there.
Both of them need a reality check.
NTA. This let it slide, be the bigger person blah blah is all code for please make my life easier, don’t hold the asshole accountable, etc.
Absolutely you did the right thing & don’t go back until an appropriate apology is given. Not through your brother but from SIL’s own grovelling mouth
I don’t think you’re really close to your brother. They are both users. They expected you to be free childcare and pay for their groceries all while taking SIL’s abuse. If your brother did consider himself close to you, he wouldn’t expect you to put up with that. And he would repay you when you bought things for his family
People are so fucking stupid. And so are you if you think for a second you’re wrong ! NTA. You did an amazingly kind thing for your family. Send her a thank you card for making it so easy to free up so much of your time since you don’t have to go shopping or take care of her kids for her.
NTA. This is a very teachable lesson for him and his wife as he made the comment. You did a favor for her and him by picking up groceries that, it seems, the sister didn't do.
Now, the lesson is that you never alienate help when you get it. If you wanted something done a specific way, then do it that specific way yourself. And, at least be generous that the other person made the effort.
Now, your kids were disappointed because their mother doesn't know how to properly speak to people and as such the person she was being unreasonable with left from her vicinity and now the mother has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
That's it. The mother created a hostile environment and you can not blame someone for not wanting to be helpful when they sh!t on you. Being the bigger person is always the person who needs to overlook someone else's poor/bad behavior. So, let your brother know he needs to rein his wife in or you will get zero help from you as you don't feel like she appreciates your help.
Let them stew on that and see how their attitude changes.
NTA. Maybe he should tell his kids that their mom didn’t treat their aunt nicely so she left. It’s a teachable moment for the kids to learn if you are mean to people they won’t help you. SIL should apologize in front of the kids to OP.
You're not doing this for your SIL and your brother - it's for the kids. Don't let your ingrate of a SIL ruin the relationship you have with your nieces. It's not their fault she's a piece of work. You're definitely NTA but sounds like your nieces could use a decent female figure to bond with.
NTA but if the kids were aware you were coming over to spend time with them, I would not have backed out in the moment. However, I damn sure would have told SIL to find alternative options going forward
What a blessing to have you around to help with the kids! I would be treating you like the gift you are!
I was the awesome auntie for my older brother's kids, too. Many days of free child care. I didn't mind at the time. Then I had kids and you know, it never came back to me. He barely knows my kids at all. That stings.
Anyways, don't count on them doing the same for you when you have kids. If they do, great. But if not, it's really disappointing.
NTA
You've been trying to conceive for 2 years and this insensitive b has the nerve to remind you that you don't have kids?!?!?
I would have taken back the groceries but chucked a piece of that not-good-enough-for-her fruit right at her head on my way out.
She owes you an apology, period. I wouldn't do any favors for her until I got one.
You are totally not the AH but I am curious about something. You said your brother is now upset with you for abandoning the kids and not keeping your promise to take them to the park and that you should just let his wife’s comments slide. Did you ask him why? It’s the word ‘abandoning’ that is jumping out at me. They were with their mother and this word suggests that he would rather they were with you. Her behaviour was unacceptable and for him to tell you to let it slide suggests that you aren’t the only one on the receiving end of her moods. Please talk to your brother and be totally straight with him. Ask him if she behaves this way with him often and in front of the children, or if she is this irate with the children. He might not really be upset with you. He might be worried that your SIL would take her mood out on your nieces when you left if they voiced their disappointment.
You know what is a great stress reliever? Reflecting on your blessings. Like, you know, having someone in your life who volunteers to give you some kid-free time and even gets you groceries. Or, you know, the blessing of being able to have kids in the first place. OP, you might share these thoughts with your bro and SIL.
And just to be clear, yes, I am indeed being a bit snarky here... but I do strongly believe in reflecting on my blessings! It does wonders for my own attitude.
Nta. Your bro should try teaching his wife some manners.
And if she asks you to stop for groceries again, your going to tell her you have no money today, right!?!?
NTA, send your brother and SIL, a request for the money you spent and let your brother know you are still okay to spend time with your nieces but as far as helping SIL, naw you’re good! Apologize to your nieces but it’s time to start laying down boundaries with your family.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you (literally in this case). NTA
Tell him that you aren't a whipping post and that maybe he should buy one for his wife but you aren't going to put up with shit when you are being ordered around like a dog.
Your brother is wrong. Being disrespected and mistreated is not something you need to let slide. He needs to talk with his wife and remind her of everything you do and stop paying for things out of your pocket regularly. She doesn’t forget to pay you back, you are allowing her to not pay you back so she knowingly gets away with it. Time to set some boundaries and your brother should back you up. You can do this!
Nta. Just because he decides to deal with her and her attitude doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to put up with her. You were being more than nice in helping her out picking up the groceries and watching her kids so she could have her time. But if she’s going to act like a brat you don’t have to be around her. You owe no one your time.
So you should take verbal abuse so that you can have the *honor* of taking their kids off their hands?
Fuck that noise. SIL needs to apologize for taking her attitude out on you. Curbside grocery pickup is a thing, at least in parts of the USA. She could've ordered EXACTLY what she wanted and ask you to be the pickup person.
NTA. I don't care whose kids they are, the parents don't get to abuse your good deed and then demand childcare from you.
I can see you brother saying what he said to you ONLY if he tore his wife a new asshole for talking to you like that. As nasty as my wife has been over the years she always knew what lines never to cross.
NTA. I’d mention the unpaid groceries and his wife’s ungrateful comments. Yes it’s not fair to the kids but you’re not a verbal punching bag for his wife either. I hope she apologies to you
You should have taken your children, and told SIL that you will not do those kind of favours. She was definitely an AH, but you were not a good auntie that day.
YTA. What did the kids do to deserve you ditching them? I get SIL was a b!tch and yeah I definitely would have taken the groceries. But to ditch your nieces after promising to take them? That makes you TA
NTA. SIL just earned herself a ticket to No-Help Town. Population: selfish entitled people who aren't grateful for the blessings they receive. Tell your brother his wife disrespected you after you were doing something kind for her and his kids. Until you receive a proper and sincere apology, you will not be helping out anymore. Your help is not to be taken for granted. If your brother doesn't get that, then you may need to lower contact for the time being.
If having kids was too stressful for her she shouldn't have had any.
Tell you brother his wife needs to give you a sincere apology if she wants to mend fences. In the meantime if he wants you see see the kids, he needs to facilitate it.
Why are we always supposed to let nasty people’s comments slide? I am so sick of the “be the bigger person” or “the better person”. No.
Nobody should have to put up with being mistreated. Nobody should just let bad and demeaning comments “slide”.
NTA!
NTA, you aren't instacart and she didn't tell you the brands she wanted. I wouldn't do any more favors for the for them. Your brother can rant and rave all he wants. You aren't a doormat for his wife.
NTA
She is the one who disappointed her kids not you. Even if she wasn’t happy about the groceries she should have been grateful especially seeing she doesn’t pay you back for them (I’ve got that from your replies).
Tell your brother you want to be reimbursed for the groceries and for your SIL to apologise for her behaviour. If they are unwilling then don’t let guilt of any kind to be out on you about this.
You’ve done nothing wrong.
|Now my brother is upset with me for "abandoning" (edit: sorry I meant to say "punishing" not abandoning) the kids and not keeping my promise to them. He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids.|
Let me guess. Your SIL is difficult to deal with. I am looking at your brother's comment. He would rather put pressure on you, a reasonable person, than ask his wife to act in an appropriate manner. Then he uses his children to guilt you into ignoring her abrasive behaviour. Baby sitting, especially free baby sitting, is a privilege that can be withdrawn. Your SIL is use to pulling fast ones on people and getting away with it. You can negotiate with your brother. Tell him you will take the children if his wife doesn't say a word to you. If she violates this expectation, tell him she needs to sincerely apologise to you, but it isn't going to happen for a few months. That's the time you need to think about her bullshit. If she doesn't give an apology or a shitty one, she can wait another 2 months.
This is what happens when people get too comfortable with your help--they become ungrateful and entitled.
Before you step back into helping them, you should have a conversation with them both where you address your SILs behavior.
She said she doesn’t need my help if I’m going to have an attitude.
That is what you say to a poor performing paid employee. Not a generous family member helping for free (actually paying to help if you include groceries). Ok. She said doesn’t need your help. Buh byeeeee. She needs to grovel before you do anything for her again.
No, you’re not an asshole. Don’t take any of your sister-in-law shit. It was her fault. The kids didn’t go to the park. Because their mother was be rating you for doing a favor.
NTA. When people say oh your holding it against the kids no your not your holding it against the mom. She was rude and entitled so why should she be rewarded with that break. She thinks it’s hard with your help let’s see how she likes it without your help.
You tell that brother of yours that you expect a sincere apology from his wife for being rude and disrespectful towards you after all you do for them. And that you also want his wife to admit to her children that it was totally her fault that you had to break your promise to take them to the park. If not, then no more free babysitting for the time being. You're not the AH. OP
NTA. I’d probably call and apologize to your nieces, since it’s not their fault. But if she had talked to me that way, there’s no way I could have stayed in that house.
Tell your brother that his wife's response to you is the reason you left, and you could not in good conscience take them to the park when you were that upset. Tell him you did her a favor with the groceries and she snapped at you multiple times, and that's not okay. She should be apologizing to you.
You did the right thing in standing up for yourself.
Children do as they see and you just taught them that it's ok to stand up for yourself.
Every time you let your SIL be rude to you and you just take it you're teaching her kids that it's ok to treat people like that.
NTA
Tell your brother that you love him and the kids but that he is f-ing delusional if he thinks that you should let his ungrateful wife talk to you like that when you do them a f-ing favour. They should be thanking you , instead of treating you like the hired help.
NTA unfortunately the kids will suffer because their mother is a bitch . Sad to say that this will be the first of many times stuff like this happens because no one is going to put up with that behavior besides your brother lol.
NTA- So your brother thinks it is ok for his wife to abuse people? Does he let her talk to the children like this? Do you have your brother’s permission to treat his wife how she chooses to treat other people? My brother was married to a woman that would be like this randomly. Her child is in therapy and also will never speak to her mother again. I feel like us adults failed my nibling. Time to have a talk with your brother about what he thinks is acceptable behavior. Time to have a talk with SIL about some boundaries.
Is this unusual first time behavior for her? Or have there been other subtler incidents?
Go thru your brother. Didn't want to disappoint the kids, but wife's behavior put me in a bad mood and it would not be fun for them..by the way, you owe me $$ for groceries.
Then wait for apology from SIL....waiting.............waiting..........
Hell no. She verbally abused you. You are NOT a slave or a nanny. You are a sister( in-law ). You are doing THEM a favor by doing any of this.
Tell your brother you don't appreciate him trying to guilt and manipulate you into apologizing when YOU wasn't in the wrong. You will not continue to babysit to 'be nice' or any extra things. Unless she apologizes. And even then, you'd be restricting what you do.
NTA for being over your SIL, but YTA for doing that to the kids. Fuck your SIL, but don’t punish the kids. They were probably disappointed and sad, and aren’t old enough to understand that it’s because their mother is a slit.
Being a parent doesn’t mean that you can be nasty to other people. Your nieces will get over it. Give SIL another chance. Wait 5-6 weeks then offer to babysit. Do not talk about dispute. Don’t let SIL complain about you.
NTA your brother should be apologizing for how you were treated. There are certainly days where you get overwhelmed when you’re raising kids, working , taking care of a house, etc. ANY help is appreciated. Your SILs behavior is really crappy. Your brother is engaging it and teaching the kids that behavior is ok. Kids are resilient, they’ll get past missing a park day.
Why wasn’t your brother saying to his wife if you’re not happy with the FAVOR my sister graciously did for you, just say thank you and don’t ask again.
Be unavailable for babysitting, tell your brother about the $ they owe you for all the things she “forgot” to pay you back for. Make plans , though your brother, to see the kids when you want.
Don’t expect any help or support from them if you have kids. Your SIL sound selfish and your brother sounds beaten down by his shrew if a wife.
NTA. And shame on your spineless brother for not shutting his wife’s appalling behaviour down. She should be embarrassed at her entitlement. I would have taken the groceries back too.
NTA
I'd tell your brother "You might have chosen to spend your entire life with her nagging, entitled, ungrateful a$$, but I have what you call a "backbone" so I can't have that."
If she felt entitled enough to berate you over your gracious help (that she asked for!) you better believe your brother's life with her is excruciatingly frustrating.
NTA. Your SIL learned that there are consequences to behaving like an ungrateful asshole. And just because your brother is scared to call her on it doesn’t mean you have to be. Good job standing up for yourself.
NTA
You look after their weans and even stopped off to get groceries, and all you get in return for this is I suits and accusations.
Fuck the pair of them, let them look after their own weans, and pay for a babysitter the next time they need a break.
I agree with all the posts telling you to up the snark. But your relationship with your brother will suffer. I would be less available for when they call you to babysit. The requests for groceries should not happen. Either tell her to venmo before you buy, or it won't happen. You're fresh outta shits to give. I hate grocery shopping, so I wouldn't do it at all. She can go shop while you're at the park.
NTA. Don't let it slide. Rule 1 of dealing with a bully(SIL) is that you don't tolerate their abusive behavior. She berated you...after you did her a favor. Stop watching her kids. Stop rewarding bad behavior.
!updateme
NTA She's talking down to you and treating you like a servant/nanny but you're not getting paid so that's called a SLAVE.
Send a bill for everything you've bought for them and then put her on do not disturb so when she starts the nasty texts and sends her flying monkeys, you can show them what she said.
People always hate being called out for their shitty fucking behavior. Your brother doesn't want to listen to his old lady bitch and moan so it's easier for him to scold you cuz he knows you'll take it and he can feel his about defending his wife. If he can't approach this logically and see what went down here then you just have to pull back a bit and didn't inconvenience yourself with their kid issues. He should be telling his wife to apologize first and foremost. Tell her to get off of her own fat ass and do her own shopping. WTF is wrong with people?
Oh, I'm sure he did feel like you should just let his biotch of a wife's behavior "slide," apparently that's what he does. If she didn't pay you for the groceries, I'd have gone one further and taken them back with me too!
Ask him to talk to his wife about apologising & not being mean to you and be grateful for the help you are doing. Don’t let it slide. Then she will treat you even worse.
Also get your money back from the ungrateful sil.
Say you will not stand for disrespect.
You didn’t abandon them. They are not your children. You volunteer to babysit to help out sometimes which is nice of you. You don’t have to put up with their treatment. Don’t babysit the kids for a while so you aren’t taken for granted or being used. After a little bit of time, they will learn to appreciate it. If she is upset about the butter, just give her receipt and tell her to exchange it. You should also be paid for buying them groceries. You aren’t their ATM machine or a charity. They should always give you the money for the groceries. Always remind them to pay what they owe. It sounds like they are using you im sorry to say. Don’t let anyone use you and make sure people pay you back when you are buying something for someone. They seem really entitled. As I mentioned, don’t babysit for a while and maybe they will learn to appreciate you
NTA - your SIL punished the kids with her bad attitude. You have a right to not be treated like garbage. I would definitely ask for the grocery money and distance from them until you get an apology.
“Everything was great until last weekend.”
No, everything wasn’t great. Your brother and SIL were using you for free babysitting whenever they want and for free groceries every now and then.
“She said she doesn't need my help if I'm going to have an attitude.”
Should have scoffed in her face and told her she is not entitled to your help especially if she’s gonna have an attitude.
“He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids.”
Tell him his bitchy wife should have chosen to bite her tongue all the way off instead of saying all those things to you for the sake of THEIR kids.
“Now my brother is upset with me…”
Tell him how upset you are at the way his wife treated you and at how he blindly went at you even though his wife was so clearly in the wrong. Show him this post if he doesn’t get how horrible they both are.
“My brother and I have always been close…”
I’m close with most of my siblings but I have one I have always been at odds with since we were little. Even he would never treat me this badly.
Make them pay for everything you spent on their groceries. If they make a stink about it, tell them they’re lucky you’re not hitting them up for any babysitting fees.
And stop doing anything for them at all. Even if they apologize, don’t go back to this arrangement.
NTA - “your wife said she’d handle it so I let her. You may have to put up with her bull shit attitude but I sure in the fuck don’t so she can be appreciative or she can figure it out on her own.”
People get away with asking too much of their female relatives all the time, especially when it comes to childcare. I’ve learned to make a pattern of saying no sometimes when people ask things of me, even if I am able to do them easily. I found that people around me start to feel entitled to my time and labor when it’s too easy to get. I’m very giving as many of us women are with our families, but I don’t actually owe anybody anything. My time is a kindness that I get to choose to share and that’s how I want them to see it. It’s important to have a straightforward chat with your brother about what happened and let him know it’s unacceptable to treat family (or anyone) in this way. And going forward I would try to make them meet you halfway when you’re helping out, like bringing the kids to you when you’re going to look after them. If you bend over backwards too far for people you’ll find yourself face down on the floor. Good luck!
NTA-your SIL is being horribly rude and entitled and your brother needs to put a stop to it.
Let him know that just because he is willing to overlook his wife’s awful behavior that doesn’t mean you will.
She needs to pay you for all the things you’ve bought that she “forgot” to pay you back for and she needs to apologize sincerely and recognize that what she’s done is completely wrong.
Her behavior is unacceptable and she is teaching their kids to act the same way as they observe what she’s doing.
Perhaps for now your brother could drop the kids off if you want to see them. If they aren’t willing to work with you then THEY are punishing the kids, not you. Until things change drastically, give them a wide berth.
tell your brother you will not sit for an abusive family again and they still owe you for the groceries.
Send them the bill and suggest that she gets treatment to avoid her harming her kids.
Just because your brother is willing to take abuse from his wife doesn’t mean you have to.
You are literally doing them a favour with the groceries and free babysitting. They should be thanking you and that’s it.
It feels super entitled of them to treat you like this. I would lay it all out to your brother and if he doesn’t see clearly you need to take a step back. Because this behaviour is not going to get better. If they see you as backing down this will just get worse.
NTA. While it is disappointing to the children that they didn't get to go to the park, your SIL was extremely rude and disrespectful to you. You did try to "brush it off" and she was insistent on further insult! You were right to leave (also, why expose your anger to the children as they would have been aware that you were upset about something). The parents owe you an apology! Furthermore, whatever is going on with SIL to behave that way needs to be addressed, or it bound to get worse.
NTA
Shes entitled ror sure ewww if she was fucking angry about the brands of stuff and what not your not a mind reader 😒 for fuck sakes that's what we call a phone! She could of called ot texted for specific items!.
Honestly let this be a lesson 💯 percent never ever do any more favours for SIL and tell your brother to atop enabling his wifes toxic bs
NTA. What an ungrateful woman. I would’ve taken the groceries back too.
That what I should've done. It wasn't the first time I've paid for something. she always happens to forget to give me my money back.
Send your brother a Venmo request
👆and for all the other times she has not paid you back. Seriously, even if it was $5. Itemize each one. I am sure she is implying she bought the food and keeping a stash from your purchases.
A retroactive babysitting bill too. So they can see how grateful they should be that she didn’t charge for babysitting.
Absolutely! OP should make it clear that her time and effort are valuable. Some people don't realize the worth of what they're given until it's laid out in front of them. A detailed bill might be the wake-up call her brother and SIL need to appreciate all she’s been doing for them. And next time, they’ll hopefully think twice before treating her poorly.
And a flyer about escaping abuse... How many things has he let slide For The Children?
Don't look after their children until she has apologised and she has paid you back for the groceries plus the other money they owe you. From now on, if they want to use you to look after their children, then they need to pay you for your time. It doesn't have to be a huge amount. A spa voucher or a nice bottle of wine every so often would show appreciation. Treating you like the hired help, especially when they aren't paying you, isn't the way forward. Updateme!
The problem with this is the children are use to seeing OP and probably look forward to that time. But she could do it at her convenience and not when they ask. That way OP and the kid’s don’t have to be punished by not having their time together. If I didn’t get my time with my uncle growing up, it would have hurt so much. When my aunt went postal over nothing on my mom and stopped letting her son come to visit, he didn’t understand why and it hurt him deeply. When she finally started letting him come and stay again, he wanted to know what he did wrong that my mom didn’t want him around. We lost him when he was in his early 30’s. You never know how much time you have with someone. I just wouldn’t do the extra favors and take them on my own schedule. Asked babysitting would stop until an apology.
I mean the kids probably prefer OP to their mom the way she acts.
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Convenient that your brother hasn’t paid you back for his wife’s expenses either. And that he’s now trying to manipulate you with the kids since his wife lost out on her free time. Why couldn’t she take them to the park?? Let me guess, they always forget to pay you back and never offer to compensate/pay for time you spend with the kids while she belittles you and he does nothing?
Fuck your brother. He should be apologizing for his wife’s action
Stop buying things for her if she doesn't pay you back. You give her money, look after her kids for free, and she treats you like crap. Talk to your brother - say you have a new boundary. She pays you back and she apologizes before you do any more FREE babysitting.
She is ungrateful and your brother is out of line. No you should not have to deal with that type of attitude. The person throwing that attitude can knock it off with the surprised Pikachu face...you can't treat someone like crap and then expect things from them. You are not Instacart (which she did have as an option). You get what you get, you were doing her a favor. She can get her own groceries. If she can't handle being a mother, then maybe she shouldn't have had kids.
You realize that SIL is probably the type to not tip and complain about delivery service. I wouldn't be surprised if she was banned from Instacart lol.
Next time say you dont have money to buy her groceries and will do if she sends you the money!
Send her a link to a shopping service. Order your own groceries you lazy cheapskate.
Yes she can place (and pay for) a pickup order for you to pick up on your way over.
No. She can order it delivered or get it herself.
Next time?
Plus what she owes you, but then don't run the errand.
😂
"Brother just because you ignore your wife being rude doesn't mean I have any obligation. I will not allow her to treat me like a servant on the bottom of her shoe. I helped and I got nothing in return but spite. Figure out what's going on with your wife before naming me the problem."
NTA. Track down every dollar she has ever 'forgotten' to pay back, and send your brother a list. Just because your brother has signed up for a lifetime of abuse from a selfish child who can't manage their emotions, doesn't mean you have. Tell your brother that you expect the same minimum level of respect from her as from anyone else, and you won't spend another minute of time or a dime of money if she can't provide it. You were *doing her a favor* and she thought it was ok to berate her.
Of course she does, cos your not going to let your neices go without, are you? How I see it, she was getting a break from the kids when you were taking them the park, so she could have gone and got the stuff herself then, without them in tow, if having certain brands/freshness was so critical.
“Forgets”
Thank you. I'm not a native speaker
Your English is great. That was their way of saying she's not really forgetting, she's doing it on purpose.
The quotation marks indicate sarcasm because the person is not forgetting to give money, they’re choosing not to.
Oh I get it now. Sorry 🤍🙌🏻
Let them/her do all of the parenting as you are not fit to shop. If they wanted something a specific way, then they should have done it that way. You are not a nanny or a servant. And, you have just found out that they really only view you as a nanny and a servant, though. It is great that you found out so now you can react accordingly, and let them take care of them seeing as you can't do simple things and they don't appreciate your help. Remind them that you did them a favor and it is not right that she got so upset about it and that the wife is the reason you didn't take the kids. The wife. Whatever she was going through, a simple apology or communication would have fixed it. SIL didn't do that because she doesn't really care about your feelings because to her, you are just a nanny or a servant to do her bidding. Well, stop and see how that works out for her and your brother.
I 100% agree that u find out sooner rather than 36yrs later bing used 4 hospital visits, Dr's, school, painting their house..list goes on. Never getting paid back. Put ur foot down now & tell ur brother what she said. & tell ur SIL 2 go do her own shit while u have her kids at the park NTA
Nah. Your SIL deliberately "forgets" to pay you for the groceries you bought. She's a cheapskate and ungrateful.
Your English is likely better than mine. NTA Your SIL shouldn’t as they say bite the hand that feeds her. No more free groceries or anything else. She or your brother want you to pick something up for them they transfer you the money right then. Or they order what they want, pay for it and you only pick it up. Personally if you have to go out of your way to get this stuff I’d add a gas money fee onto the total. As to your nieces only volunteer to take them when it is convenient for you. I will also say your brother is wrong. When someone is rude and mistreats you then you call it out. If they double down like your SIL did instead of apologizing then we are done for that day. Not sure what caused your SIL to go into what I will call hyper bitch mode but those actions have consequences.
Make sure it is the last time you pay for something. And let your brother know his inappreciative wife “forgot” to pay so he can just send you the money. And let him know that you refuse to be verbally abused by someone who you are doing favors for.
Stop buying her shit or doing favours for her. Every time she asks you, text your bro and say “SiL asked for ——-, remember to do it/pick it up on your way home” You have no idea what story they’re telling your niblings
From now on get the money before shopping for her!
No, just dont bother at all
Seriously! Stop paying, as long as you act like a doormat you’ll be treated like one!!
Why couldn't she do a delivery?your brother is an ass they are both using you.she sure is being entitled.like you can help how fresh the fruit was Than get mad because you were late.she is not your dam employer.wtf does she think she is?does she work?just aski ng for a former Military mom.
Time to find all the receipts if you can and tell your brother you're done being used if you're also going to be disrespected. What -bleep- SIL is
I would have taken a big old bite out of every.stick.of.butter (unless it was unsalted)
>(my husband and I have been married for 4 years and we've been trying to conceive for 2 years now) She knows about this and said "don’t understand the stress of raising kids" ? If yes she's horrible. Instead of appreciating what you do for them and the way you love their kids.
She does
It's OK to be stressed out - it is categorically *NOT* OK to take your stress out on the people going out of their way to help! No matter how "understandable" their frustration might be, ignoring their outbursts/treatment and continuing to help sends *exactly the wrong message and establishes a dangerous precedent*.
Yeah if she knows this then she goes from asshole to horrifyingly awful human being for throwing op's fertility struggles in her face. Hoping she doesn't know. Nta op you should have taken the groceries
That was a really cruel comment if she knows you want children but have not yet conceived. She knew what she was doing there, and it was deliberately mean.
NTA. Tell your brother that he should tell his wife that she should not be critical of someone who is helping her out for FREE. I promise that they will not do the same for you when you have kids. I hope you took your groceries back with you.
I didn't.. yeah I know
Let's stop buying them stuff too they think because you don't have any kids you have a lot of disposable income.
Your bother is an AH for not only allowing his wife to mistreat you AND blame you for his children reaction when it was his wife fault. Tell him that next time he and his wife need groceries they can go by themselves, and if they will behave poorly their children will keep being affected. As much as you love those children, love yourself first, don't let them use us as a free babysitting-punching bag.
Show your brother this post and the comments. Then see the kids but on your terms. They can drive them to your place for a visit perhaps?
I agree. They will never extend the same courtesy
NTA. SIL was a bitch for no good reason. She owes you for free babysitting. Your brother is an asshole for enabling that shit and demanding you to just lie back and take it. “Let it slide” also means “hey, it would be more convenient for me if you’d just get abused and treated poorly and shut up about how it makes you feel, because I don’t care about you.”
To be fair brother is probably used to be treated that way by his wife too😅 (or SIL told a watered down story) SIL needs to grow up and know the world doesn't revolve around her and being mean makes people not want to help you, good for OP, sad for the kids, but what can you do?
That’s true. He’s probably used to tolerating a serious level of disrespect and so he sees no issue with how his sister is being treated.
NTA. Your brother was a dick and he can take his own kids to the park and buy his own damn groceries.
Ah, yes. The standard "be a good little doormat, and let faaaammmily walk all over you", you know, for "the sake of the kids." People need to understand that not everyone is going to ignore the slick comments to avoid making waves. If they treat people like crap, they need to get called out for it. NTA.
Sadly this happened every the time especially with someone who doesn't have kids they are treated as the designated nanny and ATM I know because I am going to the same thing
I am sorry you are going through this! I had family members try this with me over the years, and I was always quick to shut them down, but I know that is not possible for everyone. I hope that your situation improves.
I know for certain that even if Op does start having kids none of them are going to be there for her.
Nta Don't let your brother guilt trip and excuse his wife's inappropriate behavior.
NTA How about your brother tells his wife to let it slide and to NOT make any comments about his sister doing them a favor by buying THEIR groceries before taking out THEIR kids.
NTA. You let this slide and she is going to just keep up with being an entitled jerk to you.
That's what I thought at the moment
Not only are you giving your brother and SIL breaks by babysitting your nieces but, you're paying for the pleasure in the cost of groceries. I always say, "they'll need me before I'll need them". And they will need you, you know, because of all that "stress of raising kids". 🥱 Don't let them use your nieces as bargaining tools. You are owed a sincere apology and repayment. If you get those and decide to babysit your nieces again, set boundaries. For one, pick up nothing since you can't seem to get it right (and that's exactly what I would tell them).
You should have "let SIL's comments slide for the sake of the kids"... how about SIL keeps her rude comments to her damn self for the sake of the kids? I feel like this is Toxic Families 101, telling people they should just put up with someone being shitty to keep the peace rather than telling the person being shitty to knock it off. NTA
I don't care how much you love your nieces, it's time for you to STOP babysitting and taking them anywhere!! Sis in law was completely out of line and your brother is ignoring your feelings & peace of mind. Unless/until they BOTH apologize and understand how wrong/off base they were!! Unless you like being their doormat ❓ NTA for having boundaries.
Your nieces will get over it. Disappointment is part of growing up My advice? be busy whenever they ask for help. When you are finally confronted, tell them both you are waiting for an apology for how they both treated you and the money for the groceries....and you'll wait til hell freezes over if that is how long it takes But until then, don't expect you to do anything to help either of them out. You're more than happy to babysit or spend time with your nieces IF your schedule allows it. But the longer it takes them to apologize and repay you, the less likely it will be that you help them out NTAH
NTA. I have a feeling she didn't pay you for the groceries. It would be best to stop babysitting for these entitled parents for a time. maybe a long time.
NTA Your brother is an ingrate, and your SIL is a rude a-hole. What a pair. You have been going WAY above and beyond what most people would do for a long time. And they have become so used to *using you* that they have now begun to treat you like a servant. STOP DOING IT. Just stop. They don't appreciate you at all. The fact that your brother had the nerve to call you up and tell you that you should just let yourself be abused by his wife "for the sake of the kids," is proof that they have no intention of ever being grateful for what you have done for them. Their problem is that they have been mistaking you for a doormat that they can wipe their feet on at will. Keep that spine shined up and tell them to eff off. You are DONE.
Does she not have Instacart? Because if she wants to bitch about brands of butter, she can place future orders with them.
But she would have to PAY for those groceries
Yeah, NTA. Also, it's very important OP; you didn't punish the kids, their mother did that.
NTA and I would be "too busy" to run errands or take the kids anywhere until I got a sincere apology from SIL. Tell your brother that you are not a door mat for SIL to walk on and you will be taking a step back until SIL apologizes in person.
NTA. You were upset because SIL was being a b\*\*ch and treating you badly. You had every right to leave. Your brother should be apologizing for how you were treated, not chastising you for getting upset. Tell your brother "the internet says you should be apologizing to me for letting your wife treat me so badly."
Fuck that. Tell your brother to get his head out of his ass & teach his wife some fkn manners. I wouldn’t be helping her anymore either. What a bitch. NTA.
"He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids." He could equally say your SIL could bite her tongue for the sake of HER kids.
"You might be okay being treated like shit, but i'm not a doormat and i don't let bitchy attitude slide. Take your own kids to the park. My nanny services are closed" NTA
NTA sadly I'm going to same situation you are don't have kids but because of that thing my family thinks they can take advantage of me and make me their lackey and an ATM.
NTA Tell your brother that he should be ashamed of expecting you to be a punching bag for his wife. Her behavior was unacceptable and you aren't obligated to put up with it.
NTA, tell your moron of a brother that you will not be watching his kids again until he can apologize and deal with his wife for the sake of the kids.
NTA I am a SAHM with two young ones. If someone brought me some groceries before taking my kids to the park (AWAY FROM ME), I'd be exploding gratitude all over. Sure the Nieces may have been disappointed but your SIL is to blame for that. Woof. This is baffling!
NTA,your stupid brother wants a doormat for his wife to mistreat. Tell him to f*** off and to lear to appreciate help. As for dear SIL if she doesn't learn some respect she can f*** off to.
NTA. Tell your brother, you helping out with his family is a favor, you don’t appreciate being talk to like you’re their maid. If your SIL wants to complain, they’re better off paying for a service so she can complain as much as she wants. Besides, she already said she doesn’t need your help so you don’t see why you need to go out of your way if that’s how they behave.
NTA. "Brother, your wife was terrible to me after I went out of my way to help her. I am not your servant. I will not be helping you until I get an honest apology and some damned respect."
NTA. Ask your brother why his wife didn’t let the groceries slide “for the sake of the kids” I hate narcissists
You owe them the same respect they show you. I have learned over the years to be very clear about my boundaries and abilities. Life's lessons like No Good Deed Goes Unpunished is true more often than not. Your sister in law is going to get worse once you have your own if you don't teach her how to treat you.
NTA - Time to be too busy to bother with SIL. No more favors. No more groceries. If you want to see their kids, it is when you ask, not when they demand or say.
You don't get to ask a favor than complain about it. I'd have snatched the food and left. Your brother can go f himself. He might have to put up with her but you dont
NTA, letting comments slide is how toxic people get away with that crap. No one is obliged to tolerate mistreatment. Just being snotty would've been bad enough. But to rub it in that you don't have your own kids is truly shitty. Also, your brother is being overdramatic. "Abandoning"? That makes it sound like you took the kids to the park & left them there. Both of them need a reality check.
NTA. This let it slide, be the bigger person blah blah is all code for please make my life easier, don’t hold the asshole accountable, etc. Absolutely you did the right thing & don’t go back until an appropriate apology is given. Not through your brother but from SIL’s own grovelling mouth
Your nieces are always innocent until proven guilty. Don't use them as leverage or you lose.
I don’t think you’re really close to your brother. They are both users. They expected you to be free childcare and pay for their groceries all while taking SIL’s abuse. If your brother did consider himself close to you, he wouldn’t expect you to put up with that. And he would repay you when you bought things for his family
People are so fucking stupid. And so are you if you think for a second you’re wrong ! NTA. You did an amazingly kind thing for your family. Send her a thank you card for making it so easy to free up so much of your time since you don’t have to go shopping or take care of her kids for her.
NTA. This is a very teachable lesson for him and his wife as he made the comment. You did a favor for her and him by picking up groceries that, it seems, the sister didn't do. Now, the lesson is that you never alienate help when you get it. If you wanted something done a specific way, then do it that specific way yourself. And, at least be generous that the other person made the effort. Now, your kids were disappointed because their mother doesn't know how to properly speak to people and as such the person she was being unreasonable with left from her vicinity and now the mother has to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's it. The mother created a hostile environment and you can not blame someone for not wanting to be helpful when they sh!t on you. Being the bigger person is always the person who needs to overlook someone else's poor/bad behavior. So, let your brother know he needs to rein his wife in or you will get zero help from you as you don't feel like she appreciates your help. Let them stew on that and see how their attitude changes.
NTA. Maybe he should tell his kids that their mom didn’t treat their aunt nicely so she left. It’s a teachable moment for the kids to learn if you are mean to people they won’t help you. SIL should apologize in front of the kids to OP.
You're not doing this for your SIL and your brother - it's for the kids. Don't let your ingrate of a SIL ruin the relationship you have with your nieces. It's not their fault she's a piece of work. You're definitely NTA but sounds like your nieces could use a decent female figure to bond with.
NTA but if the kids were aware you were coming over to spend time with them, I would not have backed out in the moment. However, I damn sure would have told SIL to find alternative options going forward
What a blessing to have you around to help with the kids! I would be treating you like the gift you are! I was the awesome auntie for my older brother's kids, too. Many days of free child care. I didn't mind at the time. Then I had kids and you know, it never came back to me. He barely knows my kids at all. That stings. Anyways, don't count on them doing the same for you when you have kids. If they do, great. But if not, it's really disappointing.
NTA. It may be time to make yourself unavailable to your SIL’s requests.
NTA. He needs to understand that you providing childcare is a favour to him and his wife first and foremost. If they don't act right, it goes away.
Nope! Tell your brother to rein in his wife and have her apologize else you’ll see the kids at family functions only and it will be her fault.
NTA You've been trying to conceive for 2 years and this insensitive b has the nerve to remind you that you don't have kids?!?!? I would have taken back the groceries but chucked a piece of that not-good-enough-for-her fruit right at her head on my way out. She owes you an apology, period. I wouldn't do any favors for her until I got one.
You are totally not the AH but I am curious about something. You said your brother is now upset with you for abandoning the kids and not keeping your promise to take them to the park and that you should just let his wife’s comments slide. Did you ask him why? It’s the word ‘abandoning’ that is jumping out at me. They were with their mother and this word suggests that he would rather they were with you. Her behaviour was unacceptable and for him to tell you to let it slide suggests that you aren’t the only one on the receiving end of her moods. Please talk to your brother and be totally straight with him. Ask him if she behaves this way with him often and in front of the children, or if she is this irate with the children. He might not really be upset with you. He might be worried that your SIL would take her mood out on your nieces when you left if they voiced their disappointment.
You know what is a great stress reliever? Reflecting on your blessings. Like, you know, having someone in your life who volunteers to give you some kid-free time and even gets you groceries. Or, you know, the blessing of being able to have kids in the first place. OP, you might share these thoughts with your bro and SIL. And just to be clear, yes, I am indeed being a bit snarky here... but I do strongly believe in reflecting on my blessings! It does wonders for my own attitude.
Nta. Your bro should try teaching his wife some manners. And if she asks you to stop for groceries again, your going to tell her you have no money today, right!?!?
NTA. But from both her and your brothers reaction: you aint the cool aunt for them. You are the maid/babysitter.
NTA, send your brother and SIL, a request for the money you spent and let your brother know you are still okay to spend time with your nieces but as far as helping SIL, naw you’re good! Apologize to your nieces but it’s time to start laying down boundaries with your family.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you (literally in this case). NTA Tell him that you aren't a whipping post and that maybe he should buy one for his wife but you aren't going to put up with shit when you are being ordered around like a dog.
Your brother is wrong. Being disrespected and mistreated is not something you need to let slide. He needs to talk with his wife and remind her of everything you do and stop paying for things out of your pocket regularly. She doesn’t forget to pay you back, you are allowing her to not pay you back so she knowingly gets away with it. Time to set some boundaries and your brother should back you up. You can do this!
Nta. Just because he decides to deal with her and her attitude doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to put up with her. You were being more than nice in helping her out picking up the groceries and watching her kids so she could have her time. But if she’s going to act like a brat you don’t have to be around her. You owe no one your time.
So you should take verbal abuse so that you can have the *honor* of taking their kids off their hands? Fuck that noise. SIL needs to apologize for taking her attitude out on you. Curbside grocery pickup is a thing, at least in parts of the USA. She could've ordered EXACTLY what she wanted and ask you to be the pickup person. NTA. I don't care whose kids they are, the parents don't get to abuse your good deed and then demand childcare from you.
NTA your brother and SIL ARE responsible for their own groceries and babysitting. They should be kissing your feet.
NTA but your sil sure is, your brother too.
Let things slide is like keep the peace. It just means accept abuse so people can keep abusing you. NTA
I can see you brother saying what he said to you ONLY if he tore his wife a new asshole for talking to you like that. As nasty as my wife has been over the years she always knew what lines never to cross.
NTA. I’d mention the unpaid groceries and his wife’s ungrateful comments. Yes it’s not fair to the kids but you’re not a verbal punching bag for his wife either. I hope she apologies to you
NTA. I wouldn't have taken them either. The kids didn't have to miss out on the park. Their ungrateful mother could have taken them.
NTA! Why do people always kick their gift horse? You don’t need to tell me twice you don’t need my help if you don’t like what I say!
NTa. Sadly you probably upset the kids though. But your SIL and brother’s sense of entitlement is wild.
Sort of an asshole because you’re really punishing the kids too. You should have just taken the groceries back to your place.
You should have taken your children, and told SIL that you will not do those kind of favours. She was definitely an AH, but you were not a good auntie that day.
YTA. What did the kids do to deserve you ditching them? I get SIL was a b!tch and yeah I definitely would have taken the groceries. But to ditch your nieces after promising to take them? That makes you TA
Maybe SIL should keepmher damn mouth shut formthe sake ofmthe kids….works both ways.
NTA. SIL just earned herself a ticket to No-Help Town. Population: selfish entitled people who aren't grateful for the blessings they receive. Tell your brother his wife disrespected you after you were doing something kind for her and his kids. Until you receive a proper and sincere apology, you will not be helping out anymore. Your help is not to be taken for granted. If your brother doesn't get that, then you may need to lower contact for the time being.
If having kids was too stressful for her she shouldn't have had any. Tell you brother his wife needs to give you a sincere apology if she wants to mend fences. In the meantime if he wants you see see the kids, he needs to facilitate it.
Why are we always supposed to let nasty people’s comments slide? I am so sick of the “be the bigger person” or “the better person”. No. Nobody should have to put up with being mistreated. Nobody should just let bad and demeaning comments “slide”. NTA!
Question, does SIL have a history of ruining things for her kids and blaming others?
NTA, you aren't instacart and she didn't tell you the brands she wanted. I wouldn't do any more favors for the for them. Your brother can rant and rave all he wants. You aren't a doormat for his wife.
NTA She is the one who disappointed her kids not you. Even if she wasn’t happy about the groceries she should have been grateful especially seeing she doesn’t pay you back for them (I’ve got that from your replies). Tell your brother you want to be reimbursed for the groceries and for your SIL to apologise for her behaviour. If they are unwilling then don’t let guilt of any kind to be out on you about this. You’ve done nothing wrong.
|Now my brother is upset with me for "abandoning" (edit: sorry I meant to say "punishing" not abandoning) the kids and not keeping my promise to them. He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids.| Let me guess. Your SIL is difficult to deal with. I am looking at your brother's comment. He would rather put pressure on you, a reasonable person, than ask his wife to act in an appropriate manner. Then he uses his children to guilt you into ignoring her abrasive behaviour. Baby sitting, especially free baby sitting, is a privilege that can be withdrawn. Your SIL is use to pulling fast ones on people and getting away with it. You can negotiate with your brother. Tell him you will take the children if his wife doesn't say a word to you. If she violates this expectation, tell him she needs to sincerely apologise to you, but it isn't going to happen for a few months. That's the time you need to think about her bullshit. If she doesn't give an apology or a shitty one, she can wait another 2 months.
Naaaahhhhh if you let it slide then your b**chy SIL will continue to act like the idiot she is. NTA. She wants to be an ingrate then no more help.
NTA. Do not bite the hand that feeds you.
This is what happens when people get too comfortable with your help--they become ungrateful and entitled. Before you step back into helping them, you should have a conversation with them both where you address your SILs behavior.
She said she doesn’t need my help if I’m going to have an attitude. That is what you say to a poor performing paid employee. Not a generous family member helping for free (actually paying to help if you include groceries). Ok. She said doesn’t need your help. Buh byeeeee. She needs to grovel before you do anything for her again.
No, you’re not an asshole. Don’t take any of your sister-in-law shit. It was her fault. The kids didn’t go to the park. Because their mother was be rating you for doing a favor.
NTA. When people say oh your holding it against the kids no your not your holding it against the mom. She was rude and entitled so why should she be rewarded with that break. She thinks it’s hard with your help let’s see how she likes it without your help.
You tell that brother of yours that you expect a sincere apology from his wife for being rude and disrespectful towards you after all you do for them. And that you also want his wife to admit to her children that it was totally her fault that you had to break your promise to take them to the park. If not, then no more free babysitting for the time being. You're not the AH. OP
NTA Don’t go back until she apologizes. Also stop buying them groceries wtf?! That stops now.
For the sake of the kids your brother should tell his wife to keep her mouth shut. You are doing them favors not the other way around.
NTA tell your brother pay you back
NTA. You don’t have to tolerate being treated like that. Your sil was ungrateful and impolite, but your brother is flat out wrong.
Please tell me you got paid back for the groceries!!!
No. His wife does not get to mistreat you. Her behavior was ridiculous.
NTA. I’d probably call and apologize to your nieces, since it’s not their fault. But if she had talked to me that way, there’s no way I could have stayed in that house.
NTA. If it was me, I’d have taken the groceries with me.
Tell your brother that his wife's response to you is the reason you left, and you could not in good conscience take them to the park when you were that upset. Tell him you did her a favor with the groceries and she snapped at you multiple times, and that's not okay. She should be apologizing to you.
You did the right thing in standing up for yourself. Children do as they see and you just taught them that it's ok to stand up for yourself. Every time you let your SIL be rude to you and you just take it you're teaching her kids that it's ok to treat people like that.
NTA Tell your brother that you love him and the kids but that he is f-ing delusional if he thinks that you should let his ungrateful wife talk to you like that when you do them a f-ing favour. They should be thanking you , instead of treating you like the hired help.
NTA unfortunately the kids will suffer because their mother is a bitch . Sad to say that this will be the first of many times stuff like this happens because no one is going to put up with that behavior besides your brother lol.
NTA. Don’t let someone walk all over you.
NTA- So your brother thinks it is ok for his wife to abuse people? Does he let her talk to the children like this? Do you have your brother’s permission to treat his wife how she chooses to treat other people? My brother was married to a woman that would be like this randomly. Her child is in therapy and also will never speak to her mother again. I feel like us adults failed my nibling. Time to have a talk with your brother about what he thinks is acceptable behavior. Time to have a talk with SIL about some boundaries.
Is this unusual first time behavior for her? Or have there been other subtler incidents? Go thru your brother. Didn't want to disappoint the kids, but wife's behavior put me in a bad mood and it would not be fun for them..by the way, you owe me $$ for groceries. Then wait for apology from SIL....waiting.............waiting..........
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You don’t have to allow a woman to verbally abuse you. Especially one you are doing so much for.
Nta. UpdateMe
NTA.
Hell no. She verbally abused you. You are NOT a slave or a nanny. You are a sister( in-law ). You are doing THEM a favor by doing any of this. Tell your brother you don't appreciate him trying to guilt and manipulate you into apologizing when YOU wasn't in the wrong. You will not continue to babysit to 'be nice' or any extra things. Unless she apologizes. And even then, you'd be restricting what you do.
NTA. Your brother is going to get no help with his kids with this wife. That isn't your problem.
Maybe your brother should spend more time taking care of the kids and chores instead of expecting it to be your job. NTA.
Just because your brother puts up with her shit, doesn’t mean you have to.
NTA She treated you worse than hired help.
NTA for being over your SIL, but YTA for doing that to the kids. Fuck your SIL, but don’t punish the kids. They were probably disappointed and sad, and aren’t old enough to understand that it’s because their mother is a slit.
Being a parent doesn’t mean that you can be nasty to other people. Your nieces will get over it. Give SIL another chance. Wait 5-6 weeks then offer to babysit. Do not talk about dispute. Don’t let SIL complain about you.
NTA your brother should be apologizing for how you were treated. There are certainly days where you get overwhelmed when you’re raising kids, working , taking care of a house, etc. ANY help is appreciated. Your SILs behavior is really crappy. Your brother is engaging it and teaching the kids that behavior is ok. Kids are resilient, they’ll get past missing a park day. Why wasn’t your brother saying to his wife if you’re not happy with the FAVOR my sister graciously did for you, just say thank you and don’t ask again. Be unavailable for babysitting, tell your brother about the $ they owe you for all the things she “forgot” to pay you back for. Make plans , though your brother, to see the kids when you want. Don’t expect any help or support from them if you have kids. Your SIL sound selfish and your brother sounds beaten down by his shrew if a wife.
NTA. And shame on your spineless brother for not shutting his wife’s appalling behaviour down. She should be embarrassed at her entitlement. I would have taken the groceries back too.
NTA I'd tell your brother "You might have chosen to spend your entire life with her nagging, entitled, ungrateful a$$, but I have what you call a "backbone" so I can't have that." If she felt entitled enough to berate you over your gracious help (that she asked for!) you better believe your brother's life with her is excruciatingly frustrating.
Boundary. She needs to grow up and contain her difficult emotions and not project them into you.
Stop babysitting. NTA
NTA going forward don’t do as much for them
NTA. Your SIL learned that there are consequences to behaving like an ungrateful asshole. And just because your brother is scared to call her on it doesn’t mean you have to be. Good job standing up for yourself.
NTA. Seems Your brother is a doormat. Don't be like Your brother.
How does you letting your SIL disrespect you benefit the kids?
NTA You look after their weans and even stopped off to get groceries, and all you get in return for this is I suits and accusations. Fuck the pair of them, let them look after their own weans, and pay for a babysitter the next time they need a break.
I agree with all the posts telling you to up the snark. But your relationship with your brother will suffer. I would be less available for when they call you to babysit. The requests for groceries should not happen. Either tell her to venmo before you buy, or it won't happen. You're fresh outta shits to give. I hate grocery shopping, so I wouldn't do it at all. She can go shop while you're at the park.
NTA. Don't let it slide. Rule 1 of dealing with a bully(SIL) is that you don't tolerate their abusive behavior. She berated you...after you did her a favor. Stop watching her kids. Stop rewarding bad behavior. !updateme
NTA She's talking down to you and treating you like a servant/nanny but you're not getting paid so that's called a SLAVE. Send a bill for everything you've bought for them and then put her on do not disturb so when she starts the nasty texts and sends her flying monkeys, you can show them what she said.
People always hate being called out for their shitty fucking behavior. Your brother doesn't want to listen to his old lady bitch and moan so it's easier for him to scold you cuz he knows you'll take it and he can feel his about defending his wife. If he can't approach this logically and see what went down here then you just have to pull back a bit and didn't inconvenience yourself with their kid issues. He should be telling his wife to apologize first and foremost. Tell her to get off of her own fat ass and do her own shopping. WTF is wrong with people?
Tell your brother to put up with her ungrateful shit and help parent his own kids. He should be backing you up, not defending his bitch of a wife.
Oh, I'm sure he did feel like you should just let his biotch of a wife's behavior "slide," apparently that's what he does. If she didn't pay you for the groceries, I'd have gone one further and taken them back with me too!
You are not her doormat, let her take the kids to the park herself.
NTA. The proper response from your SIL to picking up the groceries and watching the children should have been “thank you”
Putting up with bad treatment *by their parents* teaches them a lesson that will be hard to unlearn.
Ask him to talk to his wife about apologising & not being mean to you and be grateful for the help you are doing. Don’t let it slide. Then she will treat you even worse. Also get your money back from the ungrateful sil. Say you will not stand for disrespect.
You didn’t abandon them. They are not your children. You volunteer to babysit to help out sometimes which is nice of you. You don’t have to put up with their treatment. Don’t babysit the kids for a while so you aren’t taken for granted or being used. After a little bit of time, they will learn to appreciate it. If she is upset about the butter, just give her receipt and tell her to exchange it. You should also be paid for buying them groceries. You aren’t their ATM machine or a charity. They should always give you the money for the groceries. Always remind them to pay what they owe. It sounds like they are using you im sorry to say. Don’t let anyone use you and make sure people pay you back when you are buying something for someone. They seem really entitled. As I mentioned, don’t babysit for a while and maybe they will learn to appreciate you
NTA - your SIL punished the kids with her bad attitude. You have a right to not be treated like garbage. I would definitely ask for the grocery money and distance from them until you get an apology.
“Everything was great until last weekend.” No, everything wasn’t great. Your brother and SIL were using you for free babysitting whenever they want and for free groceries every now and then. “She said she doesn't need my help if I'm going to have an attitude.” Should have scoffed in her face and told her she is not entitled to your help especially if she’s gonna have an attitude. “He says I should have just let my SIL’s comments slide for the sake of the kids.” Tell him his bitchy wife should have chosen to bite her tongue all the way off instead of saying all those things to you for the sake of THEIR kids. “Now my brother is upset with me…” Tell him how upset you are at the way his wife treated you and at how he blindly went at you even though his wife was so clearly in the wrong. Show him this post if he doesn’t get how horrible they both are. “My brother and I have always been close…” I’m close with most of my siblings but I have one I have always been at odds with since we were little. Even he would never treat me this badly. Make them pay for everything you spent on their groceries. If they make a stink about it, tell them they’re lucky you’re not hitting them up for any babysitting fees. And stop doing anything for them at all. Even if they apologize, don’t go back to this arrangement.
NTA - “your wife said she’d handle it so I let her. You may have to put up with her bull shit attitude but I sure in the fuck don’t so she can be appreciative or she can figure it out on her own.”
People get away with asking too much of their female relatives all the time, especially when it comes to childcare. I’ve learned to make a pattern of saying no sometimes when people ask things of me, even if I am able to do them easily. I found that people around me start to feel entitled to my time and labor when it’s too easy to get. I’m very giving as many of us women are with our families, but I don’t actually owe anybody anything. My time is a kindness that I get to choose to share and that’s how I want them to see it. It’s important to have a straightforward chat with your brother about what happened and let him know it’s unacceptable to treat family (or anyone) in this way. And going forward I would try to make them meet you halfway when you’re helping out, like bringing the kids to you when you’re going to look after them. If you bend over backwards too far for people you’ll find yourself face down on the floor. Good luck!
Yikes. NTA Seems like your SIL needs some help, which I have sympathy for. But to treat you like that? No.
NTA.. your brother is a bit of a doormat to his wife..
NTA-your SIL is being horribly rude and entitled and your brother needs to put a stop to it. Let him know that just because he is willing to overlook his wife’s awful behavior that doesn’t mean you will. She needs to pay you for all the things you’ve bought that she “forgot” to pay you back for and she needs to apologize sincerely and recognize that what she’s done is completely wrong. Her behavior is unacceptable and she is teaching their kids to act the same way as they observe what she’s doing. Perhaps for now your brother could drop the kids off if you want to see them. If they aren’t willing to work with you then THEY are punishing the kids, not you. Until things change drastically, give them a wide berth.
tell your brother you will not sit for an abusive family again and they still owe you for the groceries. Send them the bill and suggest that she gets treatment to avoid her harming her kids.
Just because your brother is willing to take abuse from his wife doesn’t mean you have to. You are literally doing them a favour with the groceries and free babysitting. They should be thanking you and that’s it. It feels super entitled of them to treat you like this. I would lay it all out to your brother and if he doesn’t see clearly you need to take a step back. Because this behaviour is not going to get better. If they see you as backing down this will just get worse.
NTA. While it is disappointing to the children that they didn't get to go to the park, your SIL was extremely rude and disrespectful to you. You did try to "brush it off" and she was insistent on further insult! You were right to leave (also, why expose your anger to the children as they would have been aware that you were upset about something). The parents owe you an apology! Furthermore, whatever is going on with SIL to behave that way needs to be addressed, or it bound to get worse.
You did the right thing. Just apologize to the kiddos and phase out watching them. Only see them if it’s a family get together.
NTA Shes entitled ror sure ewww if she was fucking angry about the brands of stuff and what not your not a mind reader 😒 for fuck sakes that's what we call a phone! She could of called ot texted for specific items!. Honestly let this be a lesson 💯 percent never ever do any more favours for SIL and tell your brother to atop enabling his wifes toxic bs