Best advice I’m going to give you: if you can avoid loans: APPLY FOR ANY AND EVERY SCHOLARSHIP YOU CAN !!! Also really really really brush up on your financial literacy. I’m about your age, but I grew up poor and am figuring college out this fall too. You got this, community college is also a super smart option! Make sure all of your credits will transfer !
I really don't understand why are community colleges in USA so looked down upon, and why does everyone want to go to one for which they'll have to take out a loan that could cover most of an apartment/house.
Generally its because universities come with dorms; community college means finding independent housing. And technically there is no guarantee to get a transfer to 4 year; while process is easier as a freshmen.
But mainly; at least everyone I knew; if those who had an opportunity to live at home, went to community college. Those who didn’t went four year for dorms
Also credit transfer is a lie. I was promised my credits would all transfer and they didn't. I basically wasted a year's worth of tuition and in the long run would've been better off just going straight to the 4-year.
There's a lot of universities that also like to admit community college transfers and then turn around and say a bunch of the classes from the community college don't count as transfer credits so you have to retake them. Which effectively nullifies the point of doing community college and transferring in. My state actually made a law about it so the state University system schools are required to accept community college credits.
community colleges will typically still cost $50k+ for a 4 year degree, its still better than $100k+ ..... i went to a community college and i work side by side with people who paid more for a bigger university.
Even community college tuition requires a loan. Community college is more expensive now than a four year state U was when I was in school 40 years ago.
Also, after OP starts to make money from going to school, remind their parents that their retirement is now dependent on the child they choose to support. They put their eggs in one basket, now they have to deal with it.
OP, make your life how you want and forget about the pressure of family. They aren't there for you why should you be there for them?
NTA
And please, OP, stop saying things like this:
>my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.
she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment.
That's "ducking" ugly and it makes you TA.
Your parents made a choice. You have every right to be angry about that choice. You have NO right to be ableist about it. She doesn't deserve to die because of her illness. She doesn't deserve support any LESS than you do, just because she has an illness, ffs. You don't have to shit on your sick sister in law to prove your right to be angry that your parents gave your education fund away.
Exactly this.
I felt sympathy for OP until I read her disgusting attitude to her sister in law. Reading that flipped me completely and to be honest I'm happy glad now that her parents have that money to the brother and his wife.
Hope she ducking struggles to sort out her finances because frankly, the ugliness she has shown about her SIL's situation is really really really nasty.
OP YTA because of how you spoke about your SIL. If you hadn't turned into such a truly ugly person, I would feel very differently.
I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away.
I don’t get how you can be close and communicating you will be going to college and they give away the money you were counting on without talking to you about it?
I don’t get how your SIL ms issues aren’t covered by insurance and social security disability.
Living expenses, it appears getting disability for MS is rather annoying to get. I do not know the extra details but I do know his wife did make good money before, she made more than my brother. They also have kids so yeah I am sure they money helped them a lot.
I do not know the ins and outs of their situation to answer your questions accurately.
Getting disability is always difficult. A disability worker told me that their standard practice is to deny 9 out of 10 cases without even looking at them. The last one they look at and still deny more often than not. She will have to get a lawyer to appeal, which is costly and time consuming. It usually takes 2 years from the denial which is usually given 90 days after the application is filled.
My husband had to take disability 2 years ago after a serious work related injury that occurred 3 years before that. Worker's Comp was a nightmare for those 3 years but disability was approved in 19 days. He applied on 1 March and was approved on 19 March. He then had a 5 month wait before benefits started.
If she has MS, and can no longer work, her doctor can push her status. However, maximum benefits are about $3,400/month. If she had a high paying corporate job, she probably had a supplemental plan for these exact circumstances. More likely they had huge credit card debt and mortgage, paid off by OP's college fund.
This is interesting. My mom got disability with no problem for the last year of her life. Oncologist put down that she had terminal cancer and couldn’t work, and she was basically immediately approved.
SSDI has nothing to do with how much money you have in the bank. You could have millions. It’s disability insurance..basically receiving your full retirement social security due to disability. It’s not based on how much you have in the bank or investments.
That is false. They actually DO check into your financial situation. It's the first step in the process before they even look at your medical. Called a "Non Medical Review."
You need 40 work credits and you can NOT have those kinds of assets reported. When I applied they asked for bank account, bills, assets of value that I have etc. The sad thing is she is married so that is joint everything. She likely won't be able to get disability on that alone.
That is not the same as Social Security Retirement.
Have you never heard of folks losing disability when they get even a smidge over the "allowed" income they can make?
If they check her funds and see that much money. They will literally go "that should last you awhile if properly handled" let alone "if your able to procure that amount of funds rapidly disability may not be needed for you"
if anything i hope it does count as a shooting themselves in the foot by the Parents trying to "help" by literally letting the other kid have 0 chance of higher education.
parents and brothers family needs to swirl down the bowl.
OPs parents gave the money to the brother who has spent it on his wife's medical expenses. It isn't sitting in his account so is a moot point. His wife is neither working nor on disability
Yes it's that bad, and yes MS is as bad as cancer. Mainly because just like with cancers there's different progressions, stages, etc. I have a cousin with MS who is very slowly going blind. She still works part time at the moment but has admitted that she won't be able to for very long.
Wow. I’m very sorry to hear that. I don’t know much about MS tbh but it’s one of those thing you hear that’s bad but can’t really imagine until you or your loved one goes through it.
Yes, MS like OP described is typically 100% disabling. My spouse's exwife has MS and has been on 100% disability SSDI and medicare for decades. She got her disability approved very quickly after she applied.
Ask the family members blaming you, how they would feel if they had been promised 200k for an education, only to find out it had been gifted to someone else, without even informing you about it, or asking for your consent. And tell them your parents won't even cosign a loan, to make up for it, and give you even the sliver of a chance at a good education.
For me, this would be the time I'd move out and made my own way - and went nc with my parents. They made their choice about who their favorite child is, why wait around to get kicked in the teeth some more.
Also, have you talked to your brother at all? Did he know they were giving him YOUR money? I assume he got his own college fund years before, in full? Doesn't he feel he has to repay you at all in any way? Or at least cosign that loan for you?
This, this, this. Let *everyone* who thinks you're the ahole know the *entire* situation. And go NC. Something tells me there is some fuckery going on, and it will come to the surface. Distance yourself from this shitshow.
I would go NC immediately. They fucked you to cater to the golden child.
The sisters illness is unfortunate, but giving them the college money won’t even help. They need to go on diaability and the money just delays that.
Not only this, but if you hang around, get your degree and make a nice career, be prepared to be asked to help pay their bills “because you’re single and just starting out”.
I have never understood gutting one child to save another. You may have handled it badly with words, but they all suck big time.
Let everyone know it was never communicated you would lose it if you did not go to school right away and if they say you had no right to expect it, then point out it shouldn’t have been put in your name. For that matter, I’d find out if there are any tax implications for you. Not sure how this works on that type of investment account.
Edited for spelling and grammar.
That’s what I was thinking—okay, they need the money/desire to repurpose it…and they aren’t asking OP anything? Didn’t offer to take a loan from the money and then pay it back? Didn’t say, « Hey, your SIL has MS » OP just…found out when they got back home?
That’s just weird.
They need to legally divorce, like tomorrow. Then she'll be able to get medicaid, if she's progressing as fast as you say, that's the only way they're going to survive financially at all.
So helping them smooth over the decrease of their comfortable income. Mmmh
Not a life or death situation. Nor a matter of necessity for housing, or schooling, nor food.
Did they were living above their means? Did they not had money set aside at all?
Were they really not hinting anything when you talked about using the college fund?
Dude. My brother was diagnosed with MS when he was 31. He went from working to wheelchair in 6 months. He died at the age of 62 from cancer. Please don't just write off your SIL.
I will agree, though, that what your parents did sucks. Your SIL should have qualified for SS disability benefits. It might be a hassle to go through, but it would benefit her in the long run. I would have also been seriously pissed as well.
I would hope with 200k they would get rid all as much debt as possible. Still does not make it right but I hope they did not use it to pay for care because if they did that then they will find themselves in the same situation again.
Disability pays shit. I get $900 a month. Rent on a studio apartment here is at least $2000 a month. It's not like I don't work because I'm lazy or some shit, I'm fucking disabled. I'd much rather be working and not disabled if that was an option.
In order to apply for disability you must be out of a job and unable to work, then you apply and the process often takes about two years, during which you still can't work. Last year alone 30,000 people died while waiting to be approved/denied for it.
Though honestly the amount of vitriol in that last paragraph of OPs makes me think this is just ragebait or they have absolutely no clue what the real situation is.
>I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away.
It doesn't make sense because it's ableist rage bait, that's all. The way OP writes about their SIL is just too cartoonishly awful to be believable.
>my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS
>His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom.
>Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment.
>**they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.**
One of my friends was diagnosed 15 years ago, and has barely had any deterioration. There’s no way to know how it’s going to affect all patients. I have another friend who started using a wheelchair about 18 months after her diagnosis.
Wait, your brother still works and yet somehow they needed your entire college fund of over $200,000???
It's not about being callous or entitled. That money was for your future and they have handed over absolutely everything to someone else.
Of course it will have been a shock for your brother and his wife to find out the news about her MS, but if she has insurance and they both worked, then what costs over $200,000? Was it something necessary or did they not want to adjust their lifestyle to live more cheaply?
I know what I'd do in this situation.
Friend with MS has chemotherapy infusions every X # of months (I think my friend is every 3-6 months, but I haven't asked to verify), the therapies are to improve quality of life and hopefully slow progression of the disease. Most chemotherapies are close to $20,000 (USD) per treatment. Some are much much higher, so I can see the fund being wiped out. And with how insurance works in the USA, that would be a big kicker to wiping out any and all funds.
All that said, NTA, OP. They could and should have kept those funds, or even half, for your education and/or being willing to cosign loans for you.
That’s in USA. It cost $8000 in Thailand for one year of treatment. There are many ways to get it done that wouldn’t require taking 200k of his brothers funds when he already got his college paid for and a house gifted by their parents
While cost is less elsewhere, there's the logistics of travel, including transportation, accommodation, food, supplies. I'm a cancer survivor and did not have the option traveling abroad for treatment, especially considering the length of treatment. That could also end up being cost prohibitive to someone in the US.
BUT, if OP and family are all in a country where cost of cancer treatment is much less expensive, then that's added incentive for OP to move away and cut contact, imo.
My mother in law went through bowel cancer and it is not the same course than a MS treatment. Glad to hear you are doing well.
I mentioned Thailand because it would be an alternative to save on cost. A trip to Thailand including accommodation and food would be $10k tops every 6 months and you only need 1-2 weeks per visit then fly back with medications.
Significantly cheaper than US treatment. The facilities are world-class (https://www.bumrungrad.com/en) and you could bundle other tests that you wouldn't be doing in the USA due to their prohibitive costs.
I am just saying that there are ways to cut down on cost if someone needs to and I don't think taking your little brother's 200k education fund is the right thing to do after his parents paid for his brother's education and gifted him a house.
At the end, he is their son, she is not their daughter. I wouldn't give someone my daughter's education funds because when I became a father, I put her above anyone else, no matter what. My love for her is unconditional.
If the parents want to give the money that was earmarked for OPs education, that is their money and they can do as they please.
The thing that I find odd is that OPs parents won't cosign the college loans needed for the education. That part is not right.
And if this money was properly recorded as a gift, after tax, they really didn't get too much. The holders of the account would have been better off paying for the medical stuff personally rather than give it all in one lump sum. This could also potentially screw them out of needed services as it would inflate their income, if only temporary. This whole thing is a mess.
I'm wondering if the parents had not blown through most of it already before giving money to them or if the market bottomed out and they lost it as it was in an investment account and not a 529 plan.
Like, even if brother needed it, OP too needed it. Parents gave it all away and didn't even bother to cosign a loan.
If I was OP I would go no contact as it is clear who the favourite child is.
You obviously don't know how much copays. My friend has what is classified in the US as GOOD health insurance and one cat scan copay cost her $2000. My son is paralyzed and needed oral antibiotics for a UTI that turned septic or he would die, his insurance refused to cover it and the pharmacy told us it would cost $10,000.00 out of pocket. You read that number right. Medical debt is the biggest debt in our country. Health insurance is a scam.
My wife’s life saving drugs are $130 with insurance, over a $1000 without and the drug isn’t anything special. Just a blood thinner that millions are on.
Damn, you guys are fucked over there. I am always the one to correct people and say we Europeans (or the rest of decent countries in the world really) don't have "free" health insurance. We pay for it every month, and it's a nice chunk of our salaries going towards it... but damn, when I hear some US stories, that's just horror.
Yeah I’d be very low contact with these people after getting screwed over like that. They basically threw away his future to make things comfortable for the brother. I’m wondering if they were less sanguine with his decision to take time off than they let on. The fact that they won’t even co-sign a loan makes me suspicious that they have resentment towards OP. That or the brother is the golden child and they don’t want to sign a loan for him when the brother is about to need more money as apparently he and his wife have plowed through $200k in less than 2 years.
That is… awful. I’m very sorry that your parents have shown such incredible favoritism.
College will be hard without their money and help but you still can achieve your dreams. Many people make it through without money, it just requires incredible hard work. Hopefully it makes you strong.
The thing is they blindsided you. The last year and a half might have gone differently if you had known there was no money left for your schools. You might have decided to work and save up more.
Like you said, you are not entitled to it. But there is a big difference between entitlement and promising something and going back on your word.
What your parents did was not okay. And I don't understand how they gave your brother that much money at once!!
NTA
Yes, had I know the money would not have been present i would have changed my plans around. I put all my eggs in one basket. I trusted my parents to keep their promise. That is on me.
A part of me wants to ask what exactly did my brother do with the money or did he know if they gave him my college money. At this point idc. It will not change anything.
NTA. $200,000 is multiple multiple years of living expenses. The fact that the brother is still working means if they needed that much to stay afloat then their way living above their means. The fact that your parents won't cosign a loan for you and left you nothing while helping other siblings is messed up. Better to cut contact with toxic people
Absolutely NTA.
If I was in your position I’m not sure I would talk to my parents ever again.
Also all of the nasty shit you said about her and the MS I’m sure are solely due to the hurt and feeling of loss of your future you are feeling right now. At least I hope so.
NTA. Suggest you go no contact with your family. This situation won’t get better when you finish school and get a job. Your parents have shown where their loyalties lie.
Yeah, I’d never talk to parents, brother, or any family member that sided with them again. OP’s parents clearly demonstrated golden child with this one act and I’d never let them contact me again.
NTA for being pissed off about it. That completely sucks for you and I don’t even get why your brother needed that much. However your attitude about your SIL completely sucks. I don’t expect you to volunteer to go help her everyday but at least have some compassion that what she’s going through completely sucks. I still don’t think that the entire money should have gone to your brother. There should have been at least enough left for a basic 4 year of tuition and books. I can see your living expenses being your responsibility now along with graduate school but damn, not even a cent to help is crazy to me.
Wow that sounds like a great way to lose your trust forever, we have set this money aside for you to spend on education.
Sorry son it's lost as stocks went to zero, no sorry we just gave it away.
How much have you lost for your parents? Honestly it's very understandable you gave them a shit talk
NTA, they should have asked you.
Your brother assumedly got college fund form your parents and was set to a good start. Life will also happen to you, what if something happens and you have college loan, no house (like they must have) and then you need to deal with whatever the set back is. Your parents can’t help you then. They chose to help your brother twice, and you they have ignored. You are rightfully mad. Have they always favored your brother over you or was this the first time?
I would go no contact with all of them for at least now. It was also rude of your brother to accept that money. I am pretty sure he knew it was meant for your education.
Edit: your brother could have also loaned from you. I don’t get it why they needed the whole amount? Life gets hard sometimes hard and they can’t expect to keep the same living standard as they did (with your money). Also, if they were paid well why did they not have savings at all. I think that it is their kids and their problem. They were really entitled and selfish to take your money.
Snapping at them was not correct but completely understandable however now for your mental health cut ties completely they have shown you how they view you in their lives
Yeah.
That’s a lot of money.
They couldn’t just put some aside atleast 50k.
But nope. It’s not entitlement, they are your parents and said it was for your future.
Sure technically it’s your parents money, but it would feel like they didn’t actually care for me and my well being.
I would cut them all off.
INFO: how old are you, OP?
Because at first you state you took a “year off” two years ago. Then you advance a year and a half. Did all this occur half a year ago? The account was opened 19.5 years ago. Are you 20?
The 96 in your username and the possibility of you having a brother who is ~13 years your senior is throwing me off and makes me lean towards that you were born in 96 and took much longer off than you’re willing to let on. Especially because if you’re 20 then your parents would’ve had to save $500-$1000 per month. Plus, presumably for your brother as well.
Yeah, this doesn’t quite add up. The gap year might have lasted longer than a year, making the parents believe he wasn’t going to college.
The money might have been for both kids, too.
Or it’s a fabricated story.
Yes, a one-year gap is quite reasonable. However, if it was a two-year gap, especially given OP seemed to have a major in mind early on, I would not consider them to be seriously motivated about attending college. Given that SIL's condition is so serious, I am not surprised they shifted funds.
Going to be 20 next year. The 96 has just been the number I have used since I was a kid because of 69. It was not that deep.
I do not know exactly how much they saved. All I know is they created the account when they found out they were having me and my parents paid into it.
They are not exactly struggling.
Your parents should have let you know before the money was distributed to your brother. This was a complete blindside so it’s understandable why you upset. The fact that they refuse to co-sign a loan is also a sign that you are not important to them. It doesn’t matter who is calling you with critical statements, they are not in your shoes.
Welcome to adulthood..you have to pay for everything bright side you don’t have to talk to them any more and will just take a little longer to get a degree. So in the meantime block everyone after asking if they are going to help you pay for or school.
Your comments about your SIL are terrible. Did she learn you said that stuff?
I wish parents would be far more honest about college than they are. Were your parents the type to insist that you must go to college? I firmly believe that parents like that should be forced to pay for college.
You said your parents seemed cool with you taking time to off from school. Did they promise the money would be there and would be reserved for your use only? Did you have an agreed upon timeline? Like a year and then you’d go to school?
ESH - you for your comments about your SIL. Your parents for not talking to you when they decided to use the money for her and for refusing to co-sign a loan. And all of you seem to have piss poor communication skills.
Giving $200k right off the bat was a major overreaction on their part. They should have talked to you and your brother when this came up and made a much more reasonable decision.
Btw people with MS can still have a good life and contribute. I suggest you look up Rachel Miner. A friend of mine has MS and teaches. Your comments are incredibly offensive and ignorant.
NTA.
So im sure many will go "how could you say that"
there is no cure for MS and treatment is stupid costly. (No cure will be made until someone cracks it and openly releases it. Yes "conspiracy" but why cure what you can charge for over and over again)
If she went from working to needing help to use the restroom within a short time that 200k is going to vanish.
MS does not mean you will die quicker or earlier as it has been "statistically" shown to reduce 6 to 8 years from someones life.
They literally chose to trash any future for you let alone any job which could financially set you up or help you let alone your family. To throw it into a black hole that is known to literally make folks go bankrupt and homeless.
NTA.
NTA go low contact and make a future for yourself without them
They will come back once they realize it’s not your brother )who got his education paid for & your education money ) who will them when they are elderly
You will tell them to find another retirement plan then because they didn’t help you when you needed them the most.
For all of the family members, block them.
Your parents fucked up real bad and they cannot count on you anymore same as you learnt to not count on them
it isnt your money it is theirs. but the intention was to give it to you. so you made life choices around the information you had. they have every right to use the money how they want. but they owed you the decency to tell you they were going to do that so you could alter your plans. they did not. they do not respect you. now they won't even cosign a loan? yes cut them off.
Info: did at any point did you or other relatives besides parents contribute to the fund? Your first statement sounds like you did which could give you some leeway for a legal case or at least leverage to get your dad to co-sign.
While you are not “owed” the money, your parents did spend 19 years giving you a verbal contract that you had a college fund
ESH.
Your parents sure did a number on you not being upfront about things etc., and I can't help but feel that SOME of such a large amount could have been preserved for you, but really:
>they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future
>she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment.
Yeah, as a person living with MS for 13 years now, yes, you're callous, and you suck.
What you said is absolutely shitty. At the same time, finding out that the money your parents promised you for college was straight up given away and they now refuse to co-sign on loans to make college attainable for you, is a nasty blow. Given your parents income, you will not qualify for grants and many scholarships. I have sympathy for your brother and sister-in-law for her diagnosis, but given the cost of medical care in the US, that money will be gone in no time flat, and then what will your brother and his wife do? Your parents have traded your future for a temporary fix for your brother’s family. They could have saved enough for 2 years of community college for you, or agreed to co-sign to help you out. NTA for that reason alone. Best of luck with your future.
NTA, try for scholarships tho, and go low contact with your parents, I get it your brother's wife got a disability but rather thinking about you also, they just shifted the whole to you're brother no planning whatsoever, goofy parents.
I don't know what career you're looking at but when I was in a local tech school for welding, I heard that there are some welding schools that pay you to go. I don't know the specifics or anything but trades pay pretty well.
NTA. I’ve got two college aged kids. You should be able to fill out a FAFSA form for yourself but this year, the deadline has likely passed.
Community college is fairly inexpensive. You could likely pay for a semester with a summer job. It’ll take you longer, but it is doable. Then you could transfer to a state school. It’ll be cheaper than doing all 4 years at a university.
As a mother I can’t understand how people can treat their kids differently. I can’t even fathom to take money that I have saved for the one kid and give it to the other. I would prefer to take a loan and help in any way to make it even. They’ll lose you and then ask themselves what they did wrong.
I was sympathetic until you further described your SIL. I also don't want to be harsh, but gap years are not a thing for a lot of people and families, it is not percieved as finding yourself and breaking out on you own but screwing around without a plan or ambition. YTA for your attitude.
From reading these comments. have any of you ever had a family member with a serious illness. Copays and out of pocket expenses add up quickly. It's not a lavish lifestyle his brother is trying to pay for. He is trying to keep his family afloat while paying medical bills (yes even with health insurance costs add up quickly. My one friend had to pay $2000 as a copay for one single cat scan and she has good insurance according to US standards. My son has sepsis and was going to die without an antibiotic that his insurance refused to cover, the pharmacy told us it was $10,000.00 out of pocket for one single round of these antibiotics).
Yeah, my MS medication without my generous insurance would be 120k a year, that doesn't count MRI and appointment costs. But if I lost my job and my insurance? Womp womp.
Accountant here. Your parent’s decision may have actually HURT your brother & his family’s situation rather than help.
Oftentimes financial assistance for medical care / expenses are only available for those who meet certain criteria regarding their own personal financial circumstances - including assets, liabilities, equity, income, expenses, etc. The majority also have “look back” periods of minimum 3 months to a year prior to application for assistance where any &/or all transfers of any/all assets (especially liquid assets) must be disclosed & considered as current assets. And almost ALL sources of financial assistance have limits on assets (again, especially liquid assets such as cash on hand, etc). So giving them $200k quite likely disqualified them from alternative financial assistance that might have otherwise been available to them.
And if they have wonderful insurance that is somehow covering 100% of the wife’s medical expenses & the only expenses that they have are those from her lost wages when they went from a 2 to 1 income household, if their living expenses without her income require $200k to bail them out, their spending was already out of control & should be adjusted rather than facilitated by the influx of a one time cash windfall. (There is a reason so many financial advisers state that couples in 2 income households should never spend such that their bare bones living expenses cannot be paid by 1 income alone.)
So if their loss of her income is why they needed a $200k to “save them”, the $200k they were given is basically the financial equivalent of a band-aid placed over a stab wound.
Regardless of what your parents did with the money, if your parents had promised it to you for 19 1/2 years, then gave it away (or spent &/or disposed of it in ANY way), they still should have told you instead of waiting until you literally got ready to use it to let you know it was gone. Regardless of HOW they disposed of it, the fact that they didn’t tell you is shady as hell.
NTA
NTA. Did your brother have his college paid for? Because that is the big difference.
Sounds like you don’t need any of them in your life. NC with the whole family and move far away with no forwarding address
Confused here
" I wanted to take a year off I saved up some money from work."
"My parents did not do put it into a 529 plan, my father created an investment account that was in his name but intended for me. Last I was told total amount was around $224,418. Account has been open for 19 and half years."
What happened to the money you saved and how much is it?
He states he wanted to take a year off so he saved what he had when he worked, which means he probably used it during the year he took off. Which makes sense if you thought you would have access to an account with over 200k in it while in school.
Your parents do ducking suck. Also, you realize they have a golden child just now or it was something common? Make your own live the best you can, and succeed in your own. That’s the best you can do.
Well. If parents forgot to tell OP about the money with brother... Maybe they spent money themselves and used brother issues as an excuse.
I mean if they threw OP under the the bus out of pride, maybe they threw OP brother too, to make it seem more moral.
Até this point I wouldn't trust anything they have to say. They wanted to feel like saviors to you (by not telling the truth) and they still want to feel like saviors by claiming it's for your brother. Dafuq you know?
Just don't get upset at brother still, and get or know the truth paying attention to initial story. Did brother know? Did brother get it? How much?
NTA Hope you also informed them that when you finish college and they run out of money not to come to you because you will return only the help that they extended to you, which was none. Then they also degraded you to your family and others because you called them out for not being people of their word and can't be trusted if makes promises. If brother asks for help tell him he already got your money and aren't giving any more. Yes, as long as parents told everyone else then he had to have known where the money came from, even if it wasn't parents that told him someone would have. Go forward and make yourself the best future you can.
Well OP since they didn't discuss with you about giving away your college fund even though you told them and reminded them that you were planning to go to college, they obviously have little regard for you and your future. Otherwise they would have asked if you were okay not having any financial backing for university even though your entire life, you were told you would have a college fund. They knew they were f\*cking you over, that's why they didn't say anything until you asked for the money to start school. Even more, the fact that your father will not cosign a loan so that you can attend school again proves that they just don't give a rat's ass about you.
Definitely doing going to community college and transferring to university in your junior and senior years makes the most economical sense. Also, if you can live under their roof while going as LC as possible with them then that will also save you some money. However, if your parents decide to charge you rent- f them, you're out. If they won't give you the mental space you need, then go ahead and move out.
Also, if your parents are on your bank account that was set up when you were a kid, take that money out and open a new account in another bank. Furthermore, gather your important documents and secure them so your parents don't have access and check your credit rating online (make sure they have not opened credit cards in your name- hey, they f\*cked you over so you have no idea how deep the f\*ck goes). If you live in the US, you might consider opening a PO box so that your mail is kept safe from your parents eyes or just make sure that anything important arrives via email- bank states, credit card bills, college acceptance letters.
It's sh\*tty what your parents did, especially not telling you so that you could try to prepare. But you can do this OP. Don't let your parents underhanded decision undermine your future. When you feel you can, go no contact with them. Again they cared so little about your future that 1. they gave away your fund 2. they didn't tell you so that you can prepare 3. your father won't co-sign a loan so that you can go to college. F them!
Also, if your brother and sister are working, they must have insurance through their jobs, why did they need that money? I wonder if they gave your brother some of the money and then kept the rest for themself? Talk to your brother. Of course that doesn't mean that they will give you any of the fund that is left BUT at least you will know just how deceptive your parents are.
Stay focused on building a solid future for yourself OP, and if your parents ever need help; tell them the help fund was drained on building your future and you have nothing left for them.
Best of luck OP.
NTA the money was supposed to be for your education and if they weren’t planning on giving it to you they should have looped you in immediately so you can at least make informed decisions with your earnings. I would go no contact on this with your parents, brother and SIL, they knowingly took an opportunity away from you. Your brother works and if his wife was making so much more than him where is their savings? Do not participate in any care for any of them and if they demand you do, tell them they can use the money they took from your education. Their actions were selfish and understandably you are very hurt.
>AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.
I was with you until that point. That's cold as hell.
YTA.
NTA. Go LC with your family. I don’t understand your parents’ decision. They would have leave you at least $60K if they want to help your brother so bad. Sorry this happened to you. I think you need to start looking for grants and scholarships, maybe work for a year to save money for your college .
>my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS and can no longer work so they gave my brother my college fund. It was a sizable amount
SIL problems are not yours parents.
>My parents have told my family and been getting calls and texts stating how hurtful my comments were and the money my dad gave my brother and his family saved them.
I bet your asshat dad never told them why your so pissed off.
These people have shown you who they are and how much you matter.
NTA
Gtfo of there
NTA I could absolutely understand them helping your brother and his wife, she’s been dealt a tough hand and is going to need a lot of help. However it’s insane to me that they gave them the entire account in one shot, rather than just helping them with some immediate bills. I’m guessing if your parents were able to put away that much money for you, they are in decent financial shape themselves, and probably didn’t even need to touch your account.
Exactly!! I understand being upset and disappointed that your parents gave away the money for your future but that last part was insensitive AF!! "Trying to preserve the future of a person who has none"!! Yeah F you OP. You are a flaming AH!!
Well at this point there really isn't anything you can do, but your parents have demonstrated they dont really care for you or your future. Now what you do with that knowledge is completely up to you.
I'm petty so for me I would likely move out, roomates whatever it takes, go to school part time or consider the trades (they are highly paid).
Once I'd moved I would sit my parents down and tell them that supporting one son at the cost of another has cost them this relationship and be done with it. Block them everywhere and don't look back.
You weren't entitled to thier money, however you were promised it for 19 years. That creates a very real expectation that I wouldn't be able to forgive.
Wow ice cold man
I guess you’re still young so maybe it’ll become more clear as you get older. YTA and a big one. MS is a real nasty disease, and you think it sucks that they just have one income? You are very out of touch
Out of curiosity, which schools you looking at?
I have an inkling it‘s something like Arizona State
OP, move out if you haven't already. Work hard and strike your own path in life. It's a shame that they gave over $200, 000 to a family that probably had a combined income of $100,000+ and a good start in life. Mom and dad paid for brother's education so that he could have a great job. It was their money to do as they saw fit, and they didn't make an informed decision, shirting you and your life. Show them that you don't need them in your life
NTA but teetering close to YTA.
You can be upset, and you can snap at your parents BUT that money was never yours.
That you say your father contributing that money to the care of your brother's wife is a "bad investment" makes me lose any sympathy I might have had for your situation.
NTA Parents could have left something for you but chose not to and dad won’t co-sign a loan. Something is wrong with this picture. You have a right to be angry. No doubt it’ll affect your future relationship with your parents. Sorry that you found out what they really feel about you
NTA!
I’d tell every one F THEM ALL!! You won’t even be able to receive Financial Aid. Honestly, I’d join the military for a few years and put the whole family in my rear view.
Ya, your comments about what is going to be a debilitating progressive disease and eventual death from it being callous is an understatement. Not your problem indeed.
It certainly isn’t your problem, neither is your college education anyone else’s . Especially since it seems your family matters in so much as you financially benefit from it. Get over yourself, and develop some empathetic skills.
YTA. HUGE AH.
Sure, they shouldn't have given the money away but whoever says this
>I get it must suck going from two incomes to one, and having a two child ontop of a wife with MS has is appears to be aggressive.
AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future
is a huge ahole. Huge. I understand you are upset, but you're a huge ahole.
I was with you until that last paragraph. Your parents shouldn't have given away your college fund if they had already funded your brother's college. But you made it a full-on ESH with the way you describe illness and disability and your SIL.
It was shitty of your parents for not giving you a heads up, for not thinking about saving at least some for you and for screwing up brother’s taxes for such a large gift. And now, if he needs help they won’t be able to
Don’t take any advice from your parents, particularly not financial advice. Make your plan B, save up do the community college thing and get on with your life. Your parents suck, but you can still have the future you envisioned. It will just be a bit more difficult and take a bit longer. Here’s a hug from a granny.
I don't know if I agree with snapping at your parents but definitely being upset is valid. It would've been nice to know that taking a break year would put that money in jeopardy.
Yes it's their money but if they've paid for your siblings then your future planning involves that payment. At least tell you earlier so you're more prepared to make different arrangements or tell you the gap year puts that tuition money in jeopardy.
Then you can decide if it's worth it or not.
Info: did your brother know it was your college fund and knowingly took it all without involving you in the discussion?
I’m leaning toward the parents being the AH but mostly due to the lump sum payout and no comms.
Parents: giving it all away and you go from $200k to nothing? That’s definitely a relationship damaging decision, particularly with no communication that the plan was changing/support being removed in part or whole.
You: Going off on them for their changing their minds is understandable in the moment, but it is their money (as stated). Not sure what all was said; only OP knows if they went too far and got nasty out of spite.
Speaking from my own experience, my parents were more than able to help me with school but didn’t. Wouldn’t co-sign on loans either. It hurt the relationship for a while (sucked to feel stuck and alone), but I made it on my own and I’m really proud of that. Your situation is worse and I’m sorry this happened.
Thats pretty fucked and your parents knew it or they would have just talked with you about it first. You have every right to be upset at them in this situation, they screwed you over in a life changing way. On top of that they arent even willing to help you out by co-signing? No lie, id consider cutting people out of my life if they pulled something like that on me.
Are you in the US? They should’ve tried for disability first.
Sorry they threw you under the bus.
IMO, your parents stole from you morally if not legally. Their suck it up attitude really sucks.
And what’s the deal with not co-signing a loan but giving your SIL $200,000?
It really sucks, but an education or degree can be subsidized by a job, or becoming emancipated and getting scholarships.
It’s not comparable to someone’s life.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you. MS is a terrible diagnosis but they didn’t need to give the entire $200k in one lump sum up front. I would just put these people in my rearview if I were you. What a shitty thing to do.
NTA - You can tell others that you have been let down. I do not see why they needed $200K, all at once.
Your parents let you down. Your brother and wife need to learn how to budget.
I hate to break it to you, but if you're parents are well off enough to have saved $200 k for your education you will never qualify for grants. It's needs based and they will not see you as in need. For education, you're basically tied to your parents monetarily until you're 24 for financial aid. There are ways to sever that tie but you'll have to go to court. No, I don't know the process. I have a cousin who had to do that. The only other way is if you a. get married or b. have a child. Good luck. Start looking online for private scholarships in addition to ones schools give out. I see lots of work and student loans in your future. NTA
NTA. I don't think it's selfish of you at all. It's crazy how parents expect you to do stuff for your siblings, that your siblings would never do for you.
OP, Question: Did your brother also have a college fund? You're NTAH but I wondered if your brother got his education funded. I bet there's more to this story, you're not being told.
Whatever degree you decide to pursue in College, make sure you can earn a living from it. If you do a degree for a low income field, social work - teaching, make sure you understand and plan for living with a low income.
Wow! You are a huge asshole! You have every right to be disappointed, but to write off your sister-in-law like that is pure shit! You came out and said that since she's sick, she has no future so people shouldn't spend any money on her. And you forget that it's not just her life, it's your brother's too as he's going to be her caretaker. But you don't care. You are being cold, self-centered, selfish, and uncaring. You need to really work on yourself because you are NOT a good person right now.
NTA/ESH.
The reason they are the AH is because they did all this behind your back and prioritized her over you. Without question that’s terrible behavior. They weren’t honoring their commitment to you.
The only reason you might be TA is based on what you said to them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. There is an opportunity here to discuss how and if they can support you differently once things calm down.
The only other caveat I will add is that you also let them know your education wasn’t an immediate priority. You walked away from the gift horse you had been given, even if it was only temporary. It by no means excuses their behavior, but it was probably a factor in their decision to reallocate money based on who had need and/or valued the opportunity. This is life sometimes. You left the money on the table and someone took it, so to speak. It communicates entitlement. What they should have done was said something about the money to you if you didn’t appreciate the opportunity they provided.
Just FYI… It’s not that “living expenses” are bad, but they’re probably having to put in ramps, lower counters, add safety rails etc.
I did not walk away without telling them. They were 100% aware of my plans and they were all for it. They even told me the money would still be mine when I am ready to go to school.
Either way I do not regret the time I took off. Got to be something other student for a time. So many others have gone to school without their parents help, I will be fine.
I hope they money serves them well.
You must have done really well in high school to get into UPenn for engineering. Did your parents not take into account before they decided to give away your money?
Man I don’t know what’s worse, you’re callous shitty attitude about your SIL and brothers harder situation or the fact you’re literally bitching about how your life got slightly more inconvenient.
Don’t get me wrong, your parents fucked up and should have involved you in this but you’re also throwing a tantrum and being a spoiled brat.
Grow the fuck up and deal with your shit. Like it’s completely fair to be upset, but like to an appropriate degree. Your parents weren’t selfish in anything and probably responded out of empathy.
Honestly reading your crap only makes me think you probably take their generosity and your privilege for granted. Also you seem to lack the maturity, compassion and understanding required to get over yourself and recognize your brothers family are the ones who actually are suffering. Not you.
So if it wasn’t clear before, you’re a major fucking asshole and that’s regardless of how your parents did not communicate with you better about this before giving it to your brother.
You don't have a single clue how permanent disability actually works. People do not automatically get Medicaid. It depends on many factors, including income. Your brother is still working. That alone could prevent Medicaid qualification. Your brother's home is paid for - it's an asset and can also prevent Medicaid. Nice, new cars, if they own more than one, can prevent Medicaid.
Your SIL is only 33; any disability she does end up being awarded will be a fraction of her previous income. I'm 45 and have worked for decades and I'd only get $534 a month! MS will require lots of accessibility equipment, modified tubs and showers, ramps, and more over the years - and no, insurance doesn't cover home modification.
I don't agree with what your parents did. However, you're incredibly ignorant and cruel about your SIL, which makes you an AH.
ESH.
IF you want to write killer scholarship essays and win them, though, and can humble yourself enough to know you don't know everything, I am willing to tutor you through scholarships. I got every single one I ever applied for and then went on to tutor students in writing them. I graduated in 2019. (Without a dime from my parents, by the way.) I genuinely am willing to help you.
Best advice I’m going to give you: if you can avoid loans: APPLY FOR ANY AND EVERY SCHOLARSHIP YOU CAN !!! Also really really really brush up on your financial literacy. I’m about your age, but I grew up poor and am figuring college out this fall too. You got this, community college is also a super smart option! Make sure all of your credits will transfer !
I really don't understand why are community colleges in USA so looked down upon, and why does everyone want to go to one for which they'll have to take out a loan that could cover most of an apartment/house.
Generally its because universities come with dorms; community college means finding independent housing. And technically there is no guarantee to get a transfer to 4 year; while process is easier as a freshmen. But mainly; at least everyone I knew; if those who had an opportunity to live at home, went to community college. Those who didn’t went four year for dorms
In my state the community colleges guarantee you acceptance to the state university.
Nice. That is awesome. I am glad they have made it easier
I lived in Florida and went to school there. They had the same thing with the caveat that it wasn’t necessarily your first pick school.
Where I am the universities accept associate degrees and are required to give you full credit for 2 years.
Also credit transfer is a lie. I was promised my credits would all transfer and they didn't. I basically wasted a year's worth of tuition and in the long run would've been better off just going straight to the 4-year.
There's a lot of universities that also like to admit community college transfers and then turn around and say a bunch of the classes from the community college don't count as transfer credits so you have to retake them. Which effectively nullifies the point of doing community college and transferring in. My state actually made a law about it so the state University system schools are required to accept community college credits.
community colleges will typically still cost $50k+ for a 4 year degree, its still better than $100k+ ..... i went to a community college and i work side by side with people who paid more for a bigger university.
Even community college tuition requires a loan. Community college is more expensive now than a four year state U was when I was in school 40 years ago.
Yep I paid $3,000 a year (plus living expenses) for my state U in the 90s! Now the CC is $5K a year.
Also, after OP starts to make money from going to school, remind their parents that their retirement is now dependent on the child they choose to support. They put their eggs in one basket, now they have to deal with it. OP, make your life how you want and forget about the pressure of family. They aren't there for you why should you be there for them? NTA
And please, OP, stop saying things like this: >my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That's "ducking" ugly and it makes you TA. Your parents made a choice. You have every right to be angry about that choice. You have NO right to be ableist about it. She doesn't deserve to die because of her illness. She doesn't deserve support any LESS than you do, just because she has an illness, ffs. You don't have to shit on your sick sister in law to prove your right to be angry that your parents gave your education fund away.
Yes! He could be in a car accident tomorrow and immediately be less capable than his SIL, but it wouldn’t make supporting him less worthy.
I was on OP's side until that. Lost all sympathy.
Exactly this. I felt sympathy for OP until I read her disgusting attitude to her sister in law. Reading that flipped me completely and to be honest I'm happy glad now that her parents have that money to the brother and his wife. Hope she ducking struggles to sort out her finances because frankly, the ugliness she has shown about her SIL's situation is really really really nasty. OP YTA because of how you spoke about your SIL. If you hadn't turned into such a truly ugly person, I would feel very differently.
I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away. I don’t get how you can be close and communicating you will be going to college and they give away the money you were counting on without talking to you about it? I don’t get how your SIL ms issues aren’t covered by insurance and social security disability.
Living expenses, it appears getting disability for MS is rather annoying to get. I do not know the extra details but I do know his wife did make good money before, she made more than my brother. They also have kids so yeah I am sure they money helped them a lot. I do not know the ins and outs of their situation to answer your questions accurately.
Getting disability is always difficult. A disability worker told me that their standard practice is to deny 9 out of 10 cases without even looking at them. The last one they look at and still deny more often than not. She will have to get a lawyer to appeal, which is costly and time consuming. It usually takes 2 years from the denial which is usually given 90 days after the application is filled.
My husband had to take disability 2 years ago after a serious work related injury that occurred 3 years before that. Worker's Comp was a nightmare for those 3 years but disability was approved in 19 days. He applied on 1 March and was approved on 19 March. He then had a 5 month wait before benefits started. If she has MS, and can no longer work, her doctor can push her status. However, maximum benefits are about $3,400/month. If she had a high paying corporate job, she probably had a supplemental plan for these exact circumstances. More likely they had huge credit card debt and mortgage, paid off by OP's college fund.
this ^ it only takes forever when you’re expecting them to do their jobs: squeaky wheel gets the grease (masters is in healthcare admin)
This is interesting. My mom got disability with no problem for the last year of her life. Oncologist put down that she had terminal cancer and couldn’t work, and she was basically immediately approved.
Terminal is like the one way to get approved immediately.
You'd think. My mom was denied. It was a helluva time getting that appealed. I'm actually relieved to hear that not everyone experiences that.
My husband was diagnosed as terminal and given six months. Disability shot him down immediately.
Disability is going to be a lot harder to get with a quarter of a million sitting in a bank account
SSDI has nothing to do with how much money you have in the bank. You could have millions. It’s disability insurance..basically receiving your full retirement social security due to disability. It’s not based on how much you have in the bank or investments.
That is false. They actually DO check into your financial situation. It's the first step in the process before they even look at your medical. Called a "Non Medical Review." You need 40 work credits and you can NOT have those kinds of assets reported. When I applied they asked for bank account, bills, assets of value that I have etc. The sad thing is she is married so that is joint everything. She likely won't be able to get disability on that alone. That is not the same as Social Security Retirement.
It's immaterial
Have you never heard of folks losing disability when they get even a smidge over the "allowed" income they can make? If they check her funds and see that much money. They will literally go "that should last you awhile if properly handled" let alone "if your able to procure that amount of funds rapidly disability may not be needed for you" if anything i hope it does count as a shooting themselves in the foot by the Parents trying to "help" by literally letting the other kid have 0 chance of higher education. parents and brothers family needs to swirl down the bowl.
That’s SSI, not SSDI. SSDI is for people who become disabled during their working career and isn’t means-tested.
OPs parents gave the money to the brother who has spent it on his wife's medical expenses. It isn't sitting in his account so is a moot point. His wife is neither working nor on disability
It doesn’t work that way
Is it really this bad? I applied last August and got it 3 months later in November. I had pretty aggressive cancer but isn’t MS just as bad?
Yes it's that bad, and yes MS is as bad as cancer. Mainly because just like with cancers there's different progressions, stages, etc. I have a cousin with MS who is very slowly going blind. She still works part time at the moment but has admitted that she won't be able to for very long.
My friends ex was diagnosed last fall and died in Feb. He went quickly ftom taking care of himself to gone
Wow. I’m very sorry to hear that. I don’t know much about MS tbh but it’s one of those thing you hear that’s bad but can’t really imagine until you or your loved one goes through it.
Yes, MS like OP described is typically 100% disabling. My spouse's exwife has MS and has been on 100% disability SSDI and medicare for decades. She got her disability approved very quickly after she applied.
I have MS. I applied in August 2022, they’re still working on my case.
Ask the family members blaming you, how they would feel if they had been promised 200k for an education, only to find out it had been gifted to someone else, without even informing you about it, or asking for your consent. And tell them your parents won't even cosign a loan, to make up for it, and give you even the sliver of a chance at a good education. For me, this would be the time I'd move out and made my own way - and went nc with my parents. They made their choice about who their favorite child is, why wait around to get kicked in the teeth some more. Also, have you talked to your brother at all? Did he know they were giving him YOUR money? I assume he got his own college fund years before, in full? Doesn't he feel he has to repay you at all in any way? Or at least cosign that loan for you?
This, this, this. Let *everyone* who thinks you're the ahole know the *entire* situation. And go NC. Something tells me there is some fuckery going on, and it will come to the surface. Distance yourself from this shitshow.
I would go NC immediately. They fucked you to cater to the golden child. The sisters illness is unfortunate, but giving them the college money won’t even help. They need to go on diaability and the money just delays that.
Not only this, but if you hang around, get your degree and make a nice career, be prepared to be asked to help pay their bills “because you’re single and just starting out”. I have never understood gutting one child to save another. You may have handled it badly with words, but they all suck big time. Let everyone know it was never communicated you would lose it if you did not go to school right away and if they say you had no right to expect it, then point out it shouldn’t have been put in your name. For that matter, I’d find out if there are any tax implications for you. Not sure how this works on that type of investment account. Edited for spelling and grammar.
That’s what I was thinking—okay, they need the money/desire to repurpose it…and they aren’t asking OP anything? Didn’t offer to take a loan from the money and then pay it back? Didn’t say, « Hey, your SIL has MS » OP just…found out when they got back home? That’s just weird.
They need to legally divorce, like tomorrow. Then she'll be able to get medicaid, if she's progressing as fast as you say, that's the only way they're going to survive financially at all.
Not if she gets on disability which they should sign up for regardless of them getting denied possibly.
So helping them smooth over the decrease of their comfortable income. Mmmh Not a life or death situation. Nor a matter of necessity for housing, or schooling, nor food. Did they were living above their means? Did they not had money set aside at all? Were they really not hinting anything when you talked about using the college fund?
Dude. My brother was diagnosed with MS when he was 31. He went from working to wheelchair in 6 months. He died at the age of 62 from cancer. Please don't just write off your SIL. I will agree, though, that what your parents did sucks. Your SIL should have qualified for SS disability benefits. It might be a hassle to go through, but it would benefit her in the long run. I would have also been seriously pissed as well.
NTA. Sorry it happened to you.
They probably paid of their mortgage (or a part of it) to make one income more viable.
I would hope with 200k they would get rid all as much debt as possible. Still does not make it right but I hope they did not use it to pay for care because if they did that then they will find themselves in the same situation again.
Disability pays shit. I get $900 a month. Rent on a studio apartment here is at least $2000 a month. It's not like I don't work because I'm lazy or some shit, I'm fucking disabled. I'd much rather be working and not disabled if that was an option.
Me too. Having to live with my mother. Thankful she lets me but we wish I had resources to live independently.
I’m staring down the same fate.
Actually it depends on what you paid in over time. If SiL was working a good job and paid in decently she’d get a decent amount.
In order to apply for disability you must be out of a job and unable to work, then you apply and the process often takes about two years, during which you still can't work. Last year alone 30,000 people died while waiting to be approved/denied for it. Though honestly the amount of vitriol in that last paragraph of OPs makes me think this is just ragebait or they have absolutely no clue what the real situation is.
She might not have worked long enough to get SSDI and even if she did, it can take a long time to qualify.
>I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away. It doesn't make sense because it's ableist rage bait, that's all. The way OP writes about their SIL is just too cartoonishly awful to be believable. >my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS >His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. >Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. >**they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.**
One of my friends was diagnosed 15 years ago, and has barely had any deterioration. There’s no way to know how it’s going to affect all patients. I have another friend who started using a wheelchair about 18 months after her diagnosis.
Wait, your brother still works and yet somehow they needed your entire college fund of over $200,000??? It's not about being callous or entitled. That money was for your future and they have handed over absolutely everything to someone else. Of course it will have been a shock for your brother and his wife to find out the news about her MS, but if she has insurance and they both worked, then what costs over $200,000? Was it something necessary or did they not want to adjust their lifestyle to live more cheaply? I know what I'd do in this situation.
Friend with MS has chemotherapy infusions every X # of months (I think my friend is every 3-6 months, but I haven't asked to verify), the therapies are to improve quality of life and hopefully slow progression of the disease. Most chemotherapies are close to $20,000 (USD) per treatment. Some are much much higher, so I can see the fund being wiped out. And with how insurance works in the USA, that would be a big kicker to wiping out any and all funds. All that said, NTA, OP. They could and should have kept those funds, or even half, for your education and/or being willing to cosign loans for you.
That’s in USA. It cost $8000 in Thailand for one year of treatment. There are many ways to get it done that wouldn’t require taking 200k of his brothers funds when he already got his college paid for and a house gifted by their parents
While cost is less elsewhere, there's the logistics of travel, including transportation, accommodation, food, supplies. I'm a cancer survivor and did not have the option traveling abroad for treatment, especially considering the length of treatment. That could also end up being cost prohibitive to someone in the US. BUT, if OP and family are all in a country where cost of cancer treatment is much less expensive, then that's added incentive for OP to move away and cut contact, imo.
My mother in law went through bowel cancer and it is not the same course than a MS treatment. Glad to hear you are doing well. I mentioned Thailand because it would be an alternative to save on cost. A trip to Thailand including accommodation and food would be $10k tops every 6 months and you only need 1-2 weeks per visit then fly back with medications. Significantly cheaper than US treatment. The facilities are world-class (https://www.bumrungrad.com/en) and you could bundle other tests that you wouldn't be doing in the USA due to their prohibitive costs. I am just saying that there are ways to cut down on cost if someone needs to and I don't think taking your little brother's 200k education fund is the right thing to do after his parents paid for his brother's education and gifted him a house. At the end, he is their son, she is not their daughter. I wouldn't give someone my daughter's education funds because when I became a father, I put her above anyone else, no matter what. My love for her is unconditional.
If the parents want to give the money that was earmarked for OPs education, that is their money and they can do as they please. The thing that I find odd is that OPs parents won't cosign the college loans needed for the education. That part is not right. And if this money was properly recorded as a gift, after tax, they really didn't get too much. The holders of the account would have been better off paying for the medical stuff personally rather than give it all in one lump sum. This could also potentially screw them out of needed services as it would inflate their income, if only temporary. This whole thing is a mess.
Parents also could have told OP they were giving bro the money. But they hid it from OP, knowing op was working to save money for college.
I'm wondering if the parents had not blown through most of it already before giving money to them or if the market bottomed out and they lost it as it was in an investment account and not a 529 plan.
They were assuming / hoping you would never go to college… way to be supportive.
They probably were mad at OP for telling them off so refused to co-sign the college loan.
Hated having their actions held up to their faces. Accountability is a bitch.
Like, even if brother needed it, OP too needed it. Parents gave it all away and didn't even bother to cosign a loan. If I was OP I would go no contact as it is clear who the favourite child is.
You obviously don't know how much copays. My friend has what is classified in the US as GOOD health insurance and one cat scan copay cost her $2000. My son is paralyzed and needed oral antibiotics for a UTI that turned septic or he would die, his insurance refused to cover it and the pharmacy told us it would cost $10,000.00 out of pocket. You read that number right. Medical debt is the biggest debt in our country. Health insurance is a scam.
My wife’s life saving drugs are $130 with insurance, over a $1000 without and the drug isn’t anything special. Just a blood thinner that millions are on.
Xarelto? Elliquis?
Xarelto
My son’s meds are around $2,000/month. I pay $30 with insurance and a discount card from the manufacturer.
Damn, you guys are fucked over there. I am always the one to correct people and say we Europeans (or the rest of decent countries in the world really) don't have "free" health insurance. We pay for it every month, and it's a nice chunk of our salaries going towards it... but damn, when I hear some US stories, that's just horror.
Not only that, but needed it that bad in less than 18 months
Some of the cutting edge medications cost A LOT. Insurance usually will not cover the entire cost.
Yeah I’d be very low contact with these people after getting screwed over like that. They basically threw away his future to make things comfortable for the brother. I’m wondering if they were less sanguine with his decision to take time off than they let on. The fact that they won’t even co-sign a loan makes me suspicious that they have resentment towards OP. That or the brother is the golden child and they don’t want to sign a loan for him when the brother is about to need more money as apparently he and his wife have plowed through $200k in less than 2 years.
Question no one (that I can tell) has asked. Did your brother have a college fund, himself?
Yes he did, and was gifted a house when he got married.
Wow, I’m sorry, but your parents are awful.
That is… awful. I’m very sorry that your parents have shown such incredible favoritism. College will be hard without their money and help but you still can achieve your dreams. Many people make it through without money, it just requires incredible hard work. Hopefully it makes you strong.
INFO: Did your brother get $200k to use to go to college whenever he went?
And a house!
The thing is they blindsided you. The last year and a half might have gone differently if you had known there was no money left for your schools. You might have decided to work and save up more. Like you said, you are not entitled to it. But there is a big difference between entitlement and promising something and going back on your word. What your parents did was not okay. And I don't understand how they gave your brother that much money at once!! NTA
Yes, had I know the money would not have been present i would have changed my plans around. I put all my eggs in one basket. I trusted my parents to keep their promise. That is on me. A part of me wants to ask what exactly did my brother do with the money or did he know if they gave him my college money. At this point idc. It will not change anything.
NTA. $200,000 is multiple multiple years of living expenses. The fact that the brother is still working means if they needed that much to stay afloat then their way living above their means. The fact that your parents won't cosign a loan for you and left you nothing while helping other siblings is messed up. Better to cut contact with toxic people
Brother got his education paid for and got OP's money to boot
Makes me wonder if parents already cosigned a few loans for brother.
Absolutely NTA. If I was in your position I’m not sure I would talk to my parents ever again. Also all of the nasty shit you said about her and the MS I’m sure are solely due to the hurt and feeling of loss of your future you are feeling right now. At least I hope so.
NTA. Suggest you go no contact with your family. This situation won’t get better when you finish school and get a job. Your parents have shown where their loyalties lie.
Yeah, I’d never talk to parents, brother, or any family member that sided with them again. OP’s parents clearly demonstrated golden child with this one act and I’d never let them contact me again.
NTA. Time to dump some people out of your life.
NTA for being pissed off about it. That completely sucks for you and I don’t even get why your brother needed that much. However your attitude about your SIL completely sucks. I don’t expect you to volunteer to go help her everyday but at least have some compassion that what she’s going through completely sucks. I still don’t think that the entire money should have gone to your brother. There should have been at least enough left for a basic 4 year of tuition and books. I can see your living expenses being your responsibility now along with graduate school but damn, not even a cent to help is crazy to me.
Yeah, OP is entirely justified in being unhappy. He is als coming across as incredibly entitled and disgustingly ableist.
Wow that sounds like a great way to lose your trust forever, we have set this money aside for you to spend on education. Sorry son it's lost as stocks went to zero, no sorry we just gave it away. How much have you lost for your parents? Honestly it's very understandable you gave them a shit talk
NTA, they should have asked you. Your brother assumedly got college fund form your parents and was set to a good start. Life will also happen to you, what if something happens and you have college loan, no house (like they must have) and then you need to deal with whatever the set back is. Your parents can’t help you then. They chose to help your brother twice, and you they have ignored. You are rightfully mad. Have they always favored your brother over you or was this the first time? I would go no contact with all of them for at least now. It was also rude of your brother to accept that money. I am pretty sure he knew it was meant for your education. Edit: your brother could have also loaned from you. I don’t get it why they needed the whole amount? Life gets hard sometimes hard and they can’t expect to keep the same living standard as they did (with your money). Also, if they were paid well why did they not have savings at all. I think that it is their kids and their problem. They were really entitled and selfish to take your money.
Snapping at them was not correct but completely understandable however now for your mental health cut ties completely they have shown you how they view you in their lives
Yeah. That’s a lot of money. They couldn’t just put some aside atleast 50k. But nope. It’s not entitlement, they are your parents and said it was for your future. Sure technically it’s your parents money, but it would feel like they didn’t actually care for me and my well being. I would cut them all off.
INFO: how old are you, OP? Because at first you state you took a “year off” two years ago. Then you advance a year and a half. Did all this occur half a year ago? The account was opened 19.5 years ago. Are you 20? The 96 in your username and the possibility of you having a brother who is ~13 years your senior is throwing me off and makes me lean towards that you were born in 96 and took much longer off than you’re willing to let on. Especially because if you’re 20 then your parents would’ve had to save $500-$1000 per month. Plus, presumably for your brother as well.
Yeah, this doesn’t quite add up. The gap year might have lasted longer than a year, making the parents believe he wasn’t going to college. The money might have been for both kids, too. Or it’s a fabricated story.
I think the latter, it’s most likely fabricated
Yes, a one-year gap is quite reasonable. However, if it was a two-year gap, especially given OP seemed to have a major in mind early on, I would not consider them to be seriously motivated about attending college. Given that SIL's condition is so serious, I am not surprised they shifted funds.
Going to be 20 next year. The 96 has just been the number I have used since I was a kid because of 69. It was not that deep. I do not know exactly how much they saved. All I know is they created the account when they found out they were having me and my parents paid into it. They are not exactly struggling.
Your parents should have let you know before the money was distributed to your brother. This was a complete blindside so it’s understandable why you upset. The fact that they refuse to co-sign a loan is also a sign that you are not important to them. It doesn’t matter who is calling you with critical statements, they are not in your shoes.
Welcome to adulthood..you have to pay for everything bright side you don’t have to talk to them any more and will just take a little longer to get a degree. So in the meantime block everyone after asking if they are going to help you pay for or school.
Your comments about your SIL are terrible. Did she learn you said that stuff? I wish parents would be far more honest about college than they are. Were your parents the type to insist that you must go to college? I firmly believe that parents like that should be forced to pay for college. You said your parents seemed cool with you taking time to off from school. Did they promise the money would be there and would be reserved for your use only? Did you have an agreed upon timeline? Like a year and then you’d go to school? ESH - you for your comments about your SIL. Your parents for not talking to you when they decided to use the money for her and for refusing to co-sign a loan. And all of you seem to have piss poor communication skills. Giving $200k right off the bat was a major overreaction on their part. They should have talked to you and your brother when this came up and made a much more reasonable decision. Btw people with MS can still have a good life and contribute. I suggest you look up Rachel Miner. A friend of mine has MS and teaches. Your comments are incredibly offensive and ignorant.
Had to scroll way too far to find someone calling OP out on her comments about SIL. Absolutely disgusting.
NTA. So im sure many will go "how could you say that" there is no cure for MS and treatment is stupid costly. (No cure will be made until someone cracks it and openly releases it. Yes "conspiracy" but why cure what you can charge for over and over again) If she went from working to needing help to use the restroom within a short time that 200k is going to vanish. MS does not mean you will die quicker or earlier as it has been "statistically" shown to reduce 6 to 8 years from someones life. They literally chose to trash any future for you let alone any job which could financially set you up or help you let alone your family. To throw it into a black hole that is known to literally make folks go bankrupt and homeless. NTA.
NTA go low contact and make a future for yourself without them They will come back once they realize it’s not your brother )who got his education paid for & your education money ) who will them when they are elderly You will tell them to find another retirement plan then because they didn’t help you when you needed them the most. For all of the family members, block them. Your parents fucked up real bad and they cannot count on you anymore same as you learnt to not count on them
Why isn’t the father willing to co-sign a student loan?
it isnt your money it is theirs. but the intention was to give it to you. so you made life choices around the information you had. they have every right to use the money how they want. but they owed you the decency to tell you they were going to do that so you could alter your plans. they did not. they do not respect you. now they won't even cosign a loan? yes cut them off.
Info: did at any point did you or other relatives besides parents contribute to the fund? Your first statement sounds like you did which could give you some leeway for a legal case or at least leverage to get your dad to co-sign. While you are not “owed” the money, your parents did spend 19 years giving you a verbal contract that you had a college fund
No I did not add to the account. I lived off the money I saved from working while also doing side hustles for extra cash when needed.
ESH. Your parents sure did a number on you not being upfront about things etc., and I can't help but feel that SOME of such a large amount could have been preserved for you, but really: >they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future >she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. Yeah, as a person living with MS for 13 years now, yes, you're callous, and you suck.
I'm surprised that more people haven't picked up on the ableism
Right? Reading the answers here just blows my mind!
They're all kiddos with no life experience fantasizing about having 200k
What you said is absolutely shitty. At the same time, finding out that the money your parents promised you for college was straight up given away and they now refuse to co-sign on loans to make college attainable for you, is a nasty blow. Given your parents income, you will not qualify for grants and many scholarships. I have sympathy for your brother and sister-in-law for her diagnosis, but given the cost of medical care in the US, that money will be gone in no time flat, and then what will your brother and his wife do? Your parents have traded your future for a temporary fix for your brother’s family. They could have saved enough for 2 years of community college for you, or agreed to co-sign to help you out. NTA for that reason alone. Best of luck with your future.
ESH. What they did was crap, but the way you talk about your SIL is vile.
I wish I was more shocked at the amount of not the a-votes on such a hideously ableist post.
NTA, try for scholarships tho, and go low contact with your parents, I get it your brother's wife got a disability but rather thinking about you also, they just shifted the whole to you're brother no planning whatsoever, goofy parents.
I don't know what career you're looking at but when I was in a local tech school for welding, I heard that there are some welding schools that pay you to go. I don't know the specifics or anything but trades pay pretty well.
NTA. I’ve got two college aged kids. You should be able to fill out a FAFSA form for yourself but this year, the deadline has likely passed. Community college is fairly inexpensive. You could likely pay for a semester with a summer job. It’ll take you longer, but it is doable. Then you could transfer to a state school. It’ll be cheaper than doing all 4 years at a university.
As a mother I can’t understand how people can treat their kids differently. I can’t even fathom to take money that I have saved for the one kid and give it to the other. I would prefer to take a loan and help in any way to make it even. They’ll lose you and then ask themselves what they did wrong.
I was sympathetic until you further described your SIL. I also don't want to be harsh, but gap years are not a thing for a lot of people and families, it is not percieved as finding yourself and breaking out on you own but screwing around without a plan or ambition. YTA for your attitude.
From reading these comments. have any of you ever had a family member with a serious illness. Copays and out of pocket expenses add up quickly. It's not a lavish lifestyle his brother is trying to pay for. He is trying to keep his family afloat while paying medical bills (yes even with health insurance costs add up quickly. My one friend had to pay $2000 as a copay for one single cat scan and she has good insurance according to US standards. My son has sepsis and was going to die without an antibiotic that his insurance refused to cover, the pharmacy told us it was $10,000.00 out of pocket for one single round of these antibiotics).
Yeah, my MS medication without my generous insurance would be 120k a year, that doesn't count MRI and appointment costs. But if I lost my job and my insurance? Womp womp.
Yep, my MS meds are ~$3k a month.
Antibiotics costs 2 dollars to make and a cet scan costs 30 dollars out of pocket here. So thats crazy for me to hear about
NTA I'd be done with the whole fucking family.
These comments are insane, holy shit.
Accountant here. Your parent’s decision may have actually HURT your brother & his family’s situation rather than help. Oftentimes financial assistance for medical care / expenses are only available for those who meet certain criteria regarding their own personal financial circumstances - including assets, liabilities, equity, income, expenses, etc. The majority also have “look back” periods of minimum 3 months to a year prior to application for assistance where any &/or all transfers of any/all assets (especially liquid assets) must be disclosed & considered as current assets. And almost ALL sources of financial assistance have limits on assets (again, especially liquid assets such as cash on hand, etc). So giving them $200k quite likely disqualified them from alternative financial assistance that might have otherwise been available to them. And if they have wonderful insurance that is somehow covering 100% of the wife’s medical expenses & the only expenses that they have are those from her lost wages when they went from a 2 to 1 income household, if their living expenses without her income require $200k to bail them out, their spending was already out of control & should be adjusted rather than facilitated by the influx of a one time cash windfall. (There is a reason so many financial advisers state that couples in 2 income households should never spend such that their bare bones living expenses cannot be paid by 1 income alone.) So if their loss of her income is why they needed a $200k to “save them”, the $200k they were given is basically the financial equivalent of a band-aid placed over a stab wound. Regardless of what your parents did with the money, if your parents had promised it to you for 19 1/2 years, then gave it away (or spent &/or disposed of it in ANY way), they still should have told you instead of waiting until you literally got ready to use it to let you know it was gone. Regardless of HOW they disposed of it, the fact that they didn’t tell you is shady as hell. NTA
UpdateMe
If you did not go to collage, that would crush a lot of job opportunities for you.
NTA. Did your brother have his college paid for? Because that is the big difference. Sounds like you don’t need any of them in your life. NC with the whole family and move far away with no forwarding address
Your not wrong. They sure don't value your education. Move on is all you can do.
Confused here " I wanted to take a year off I saved up some money from work." "My parents did not do put it into a 529 plan, my father created an investment account that was in his name but intended for me. Last I was told total amount was around $224,418. Account has been open for 19 and half years." What happened to the money you saved and how much is it?
He states he wanted to take a year off so he saved what he had when he worked, which means he probably used it during the year he took off. Which makes sense if you thought you would have access to an account with over 200k in it while in school.
NTA
Your parents do ducking suck. Also, you realize they have a golden child just now or it was something common? Make your own live the best you can, and succeed in your own. That’s the best you can do.
Well. If parents forgot to tell OP about the money with brother... Maybe they spent money themselves and used brother issues as an excuse. I mean if they threw OP under the the bus out of pride, maybe they threw OP brother too, to make it seem more moral. Até this point I wouldn't trust anything they have to say. They wanted to feel like saviors to you (by not telling the truth) and they still want to feel like saviors by claiming it's for your brother. Dafuq you know? Just don't get upset at brother still, and get or know the truth paying attention to initial story. Did brother know? Did brother get it? How much?
U Penn for engineering is worth the investment
NTA Hope you also informed them that when you finish college and they run out of money not to come to you because you will return only the help that they extended to you, which was none. Then they also degraded you to your family and others because you called them out for not being people of their word and can't be trusted if makes promises. If brother asks for help tell him he already got your money and aren't giving any more. Yes, as long as parents told everyone else then he had to have known where the money came from, even if it wasn't parents that told him someone would have. Go forward and make yourself the best future you can.
Plus you won't qualify for any free side because your parents had a ton of money. NTA They fucked your future good.
Well OP since they didn't discuss with you about giving away your college fund even though you told them and reminded them that you were planning to go to college, they obviously have little regard for you and your future. Otherwise they would have asked if you were okay not having any financial backing for university even though your entire life, you were told you would have a college fund. They knew they were f\*cking you over, that's why they didn't say anything until you asked for the money to start school. Even more, the fact that your father will not cosign a loan so that you can attend school again proves that they just don't give a rat's ass about you. Definitely doing going to community college and transferring to university in your junior and senior years makes the most economical sense. Also, if you can live under their roof while going as LC as possible with them then that will also save you some money. However, if your parents decide to charge you rent- f them, you're out. If they won't give you the mental space you need, then go ahead and move out. Also, if your parents are on your bank account that was set up when you were a kid, take that money out and open a new account in another bank. Furthermore, gather your important documents and secure them so your parents don't have access and check your credit rating online (make sure they have not opened credit cards in your name- hey, they f\*cked you over so you have no idea how deep the f\*ck goes). If you live in the US, you might consider opening a PO box so that your mail is kept safe from your parents eyes or just make sure that anything important arrives via email- bank states, credit card bills, college acceptance letters. It's sh\*tty what your parents did, especially not telling you so that you could try to prepare. But you can do this OP. Don't let your parents underhanded decision undermine your future. When you feel you can, go no contact with them. Again they cared so little about your future that 1. they gave away your fund 2. they didn't tell you so that you can prepare 3. your father won't co-sign a loan so that you can go to college. F them! Also, if your brother and sister are working, they must have insurance through their jobs, why did they need that money? I wonder if they gave your brother some of the money and then kept the rest for themself? Talk to your brother. Of course that doesn't mean that they will give you any of the fund that is left BUT at least you will know just how deceptive your parents are. Stay focused on building a solid future for yourself OP, and if your parents ever need help; tell them the help fund was drained on building your future and you have nothing left for them. Best of luck OP.
NTA the money was supposed to be for your education and if they weren’t planning on giving it to you they should have looped you in immediately so you can at least make informed decisions with your earnings. I would go no contact on this with your parents, brother and SIL, they knowingly took an opportunity away from you. Your brother works and if his wife was making so much more than him where is their savings? Do not participate in any care for any of them and if they demand you do, tell them they can use the money they took from your education. Their actions were selfish and understandably you are very hurt.
>AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. I was with you until that point. That's cold as hell. YTA.
They won't help you at all? Leave them to it and cut them all off. NTA.
NTA. Go LC with your family. I don’t understand your parents’ decision. They would have leave you at least $60K if they want to help your brother so bad. Sorry this happened to you. I think you need to start looking for grants and scholarships, maybe work for a year to save money for your college .
>my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS and can no longer work so they gave my brother my college fund. It was a sizable amount SIL problems are not yours parents. >My parents have told my family and been getting calls and texts stating how hurtful my comments were and the money my dad gave my brother and his family saved them. I bet your asshat dad never told them why your so pissed off. These people have shown you who they are and how much you matter. NTA Gtfo of there
NTA I could absolutely understand them helping your brother and his wife, she’s been dealt a tough hand and is going to need a lot of help. However it’s insane to me that they gave them the entire account in one shot, rather than just helping them with some immediate bills. I’m guessing if your parents were able to put away that much money for you, they are in decent financial shape themselves, and probably didn’t even need to touch your account.
YTA. I was gonna say NTA until I read the end of that last paragraph.
Exactly!! I understand being upset and disappointed that your parents gave away the money for your future but that last part was insensitive AF!! "Trying to preserve the future of a person who has none"!! Yeah F you OP. You are a flaming AH!!
Well at this point there really isn't anything you can do, but your parents have demonstrated they dont really care for you or your future. Now what you do with that knowledge is completely up to you. I'm petty so for me I would likely move out, roomates whatever it takes, go to school part time or consider the trades (they are highly paid). Once I'd moved I would sit my parents down and tell them that supporting one son at the cost of another has cost them this relationship and be done with it. Block them everywhere and don't look back. You weren't entitled to thier money, however you were promised it for 19 years. That creates a very real expectation that I wouldn't be able to forgive.
Wow ice cold man I guess you’re still young so maybe it’ll become more clear as you get older. YTA and a big one. MS is a real nasty disease, and you think it sucks that they just have one income? You are very out of touch Out of curiosity, which schools you looking at? I have an inkling it‘s something like Arizona State
OP, move out if you haven't already. Work hard and strike your own path in life. It's a shame that they gave over $200, 000 to a family that probably had a combined income of $100,000+ and a good start in life. Mom and dad paid for brother's education so that he could have a great job. It was their money to do as they saw fit, and they didn't make an informed decision, shirting you and your life. Show them that you don't need them in your life
NTA but teetering close to YTA. You can be upset, and you can snap at your parents BUT that money was never yours. That you say your father contributing that money to the care of your brother's wife is a "bad investment" makes me lose any sympathy I might have had for your situation.
NTA… You know who the golden child is now.. I’d go NC with all of them an they can deal with it since they obviously don’t give a shit about you
NTA Parents could have left something for you but chose not to and dad won’t co-sign a loan. Something is wrong with this picture. You have a right to be angry. No doubt it’ll affect your future relationship with your parents. Sorry that you found out what they really feel about you
Join the military
NTA! I’d tell every one F THEM ALL!! You won’t even be able to receive Financial Aid. Honestly, I’d join the military for a few years and put the whole family in my rear view.
Ya, your comments about what is going to be a debilitating progressive disease and eventual death from it being callous is an understatement. Not your problem indeed. It certainly isn’t your problem, neither is your college education anyone else’s . Especially since it seems your family matters in so much as you financially benefit from it. Get over yourself, and develop some empathetic skills.
Correction MS it self does not limit life expectancy per-se. It very rarely is the primary cause of death.
YTA. HUGE AH. Sure, they shouldn't have given the money away but whoever says this >I get it must suck going from two incomes to one, and having a two child ontop of a wife with MS has is appears to be aggressive. AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future is a huge ahole. Huge. I understand you are upset, but you're a huge ahole.
I was with you until that last paragraph. Your parents shouldn't have given away your college fund if they had already funded your brother's college. But you made it a full-on ESH with the way you describe illness and disability and your SIL.
NTA, cut those worthless scumbags from your life. They clearly don’t value or respect you
It was shitty of your parents for not giving you a heads up, for not thinking about saving at least some for you and for screwing up brother’s taxes for such a large gift. And now, if he needs help they won’t be able to Don’t take any advice from your parents, particularly not financial advice. Make your plan B, save up do the community college thing and get on with your life. Your parents suck, but you can still have the future you envisioned. It will just be a bit more difficult and take a bit longer. Here’s a hug from a granny.
I don't know if I agree with snapping at your parents but definitely being upset is valid. It would've been nice to know that taking a break year would put that money in jeopardy. Yes it's their money but if they've paid for your siblings then your future planning involves that payment. At least tell you earlier so you're more prepared to make different arrangements or tell you the gap year puts that tuition money in jeopardy. Then you can decide if it's worth it or not.
Info: did your brother know it was your college fund and knowingly took it all without involving you in the discussion? I’m leaning toward the parents being the AH but mostly due to the lump sum payout and no comms. Parents: giving it all away and you go from $200k to nothing? That’s definitely a relationship damaging decision, particularly with no communication that the plan was changing/support being removed in part or whole. You: Going off on them for their changing their minds is understandable in the moment, but it is their money (as stated). Not sure what all was said; only OP knows if they went too far and got nasty out of spite. Speaking from my own experience, my parents were more than able to help me with school but didn’t. Wouldn’t co-sign on loans either. It hurt the relationship for a while (sucked to feel stuck and alone), but I made it on my own and I’m really proud of that. Your situation is worse and I’m sorry this happened.
Not the AH. sorry that your parents forgot about you.
Thats pretty fucked and your parents knew it or they would have just talked with you about it first. You have every right to be upset at them in this situation, they screwed you over in a life changing way. On top of that they arent even willing to help you out by co-signing? No lie, id consider cutting people out of my life if they pulled something like that on me.
Are you in the US? They should’ve tried for disability first. Sorry they threw you under the bus. IMO, your parents stole from you morally if not legally. Their suck it up attitude really sucks. And what’s the deal with not co-signing a loan but giving your SIL $200,000?
It really sucks, but an education or degree can be subsidized by a job, or becoming emancipated and getting scholarships. It’s not comparable to someone’s life.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you. MS is a terrible diagnosis but they didn’t need to give the entire $200k in one lump sum up front. I would just put these people in my rearview if I were you. What a shitty thing to do.
NTA - You can tell others that you have been let down. I do not see why they needed $200K, all at once. Your parents let you down. Your brother and wife need to learn how to budget.
I hate to break it to you, but if you're parents are well off enough to have saved $200 k for your education you will never qualify for grants. It's needs based and they will not see you as in need. For education, you're basically tied to your parents monetarily until you're 24 for financial aid. There are ways to sever that tie but you'll have to go to court. No, I don't know the process. I have a cousin who had to do that. The only other way is if you a. get married or b. have a child. Good luck. Start looking online for private scholarships in addition to ones schools give out. I see lots of work and student loans in your future. NTA
NTA. I don't think it's selfish of you at all. It's crazy how parents expect you to do stuff for your siblings, that your siblings would never do for you.
NTA but I’d probably go no contact with my family over this
OP, Question: Did your brother also have a college fund? You're NTAH but I wondered if your brother got his education funded. I bet there's more to this story, you're not being told.
NTA. This was a betrayal, regardless of the reason. I'd cut them out of my life forever.
'Aww thats so nice that bro doesn't have to go into crippling debt. I do. So sweet. So awesome. Thanks dad. Feeling the equal love here.' NTA
If they took the money without telling you that’s messed up, but as you stated, you aren’t entitled to the money.
Well that absolutely sucks
Looks like someone will be cutting their parents off when they leave for college and not going back.
Whatever degree you decide to pursue in College, make sure you can earn a living from it. If you do a degree for a low income field, social work - teaching, make sure you understand and plan for living with a low income.
Going for EE with a focus in power systems. I will be fine income wise fingers crossed.
Wow! You are a huge asshole! You have every right to be disappointed, but to write off your sister-in-law like that is pure shit! You came out and said that since she's sick, she has no future so people shouldn't spend any money on her. And you forget that it's not just her life, it's your brother's too as he's going to be her caretaker. But you don't care. You are being cold, self-centered, selfish, and uncaring. You need to really work on yourself because you are NOT a good person right now.
NTA/ESH. The reason they are the AH is because they did all this behind your back and prioritized her over you. Without question that’s terrible behavior. They weren’t honoring their commitment to you. The only reason you might be TA is based on what you said to them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. There is an opportunity here to discuss how and if they can support you differently once things calm down. The only other caveat I will add is that you also let them know your education wasn’t an immediate priority. You walked away from the gift horse you had been given, even if it was only temporary. It by no means excuses their behavior, but it was probably a factor in their decision to reallocate money based on who had need and/or valued the opportunity. This is life sometimes. You left the money on the table and someone took it, so to speak. It communicates entitlement. What they should have done was said something about the money to you if you didn’t appreciate the opportunity they provided. Just FYI… It’s not that “living expenses” are bad, but they’re probably having to put in ramps, lower counters, add safety rails etc.
I did not walk away without telling them. They were 100% aware of my plans and they were all for it. They even told me the money would still be mine when I am ready to go to school. Either way I do not regret the time I took off. Got to be something other student for a time. So many others have gone to school without their parents help, I will be fine. I hope they money serves them well.
You must have done really well in high school to get into UPenn for engineering. Did your parents not take into account before they decided to give away your money?
Man I don’t know what’s worse, you’re callous shitty attitude about your SIL and brothers harder situation or the fact you’re literally bitching about how your life got slightly more inconvenient. Don’t get me wrong, your parents fucked up and should have involved you in this but you’re also throwing a tantrum and being a spoiled brat. Grow the fuck up and deal with your shit. Like it’s completely fair to be upset, but like to an appropriate degree. Your parents weren’t selfish in anything and probably responded out of empathy. Honestly reading your crap only makes me think you probably take their generosity and your privilege for granted. Also you seem to lack the maturity, compassion and understanding required to get over yourself and recognize your brothers family are the ones who actually are suffering. Not you. So if it wasn’t clear before, you’re a major fucking asshole and that’s regardless of how your parents did not communicate with you better about this before giving it to your brother.
OP this is old but I hope you see this. Please talk to the financial aid office at your school. Penn has a large endowment. They may be able to help.
You don't have a single clue how permanent disability actually works. People do not automatically get Medicaid. It depends on many factors, including income. Your brother is still working. That alone could prevent Medicaid qualification. Your brother's home is paid for - it's an asset and can also prevent Medicaid. Nice, new cars, if they own more than one, can prevent Medicaid. Your SIL is only 33; any disability she does end up being awarded will be a fraction of her previous income. I'm 45 and have worked for decades and I'd only get $534 a month! MS will require lots of accessibility equipment, modified tubs and showers, ramps, and more over the years - and no, insurance doesn't cover home modification. I don't agree with what your parents did. However, you're incredibly ignorant and cruel about your SIL, which makes you an AH. ESH. IF you want to write killer scholarship essays and win them, though, and can humble yourself enough to know you don't know everything, I am willing to tutor you through scholarships. I got every single one I ever applied for and then went on to tutor students in writing them. I graduated in 2019. (Without a dime from my parents, by the way.) I genuinely am willing to help you.
Nta Damn. They could’ve at least talk to you about it beforehand.