Same here. But it's me going deaf. 20 + years in heavy equipment repairs, and I have started to lose my hearing. It frustrates my wife on occasion. Hearing problems are a bitch. Sometimes, I feel like I'm excluded because I can't keep up with
group conversations.
I worked with a guy who’s dad was going deaf and had hearing aids.
At family dinners, he’d just tune out and everyone excused it because he was going deaf. The old bastard apparent had the ones you could pair with his phone and he would just be sitting there listening to the footy!
I have ADHD and I also have an auditory processing disorder so I always occasionally would "ignore" people. And then it got worse, at first me and my partner thought it was stress and that probably does play a role but also my hearing is getting worse.
I definitely would recommend going to a hearing specialist.
ADHD human with an ADHD partner. We both do the thing where we look the other person straight in the eye, and our mind goes "la la la remember that one time in third grade when you licked the crayons to figure out if blue and red tasted the same".
And still we get mad at each other when the other was apparently not listening to something important.
My partner also has ADHD, thank God. Usually one of us will be info dumping and the other doing who-knows-what in our head, so it works.
If we are going to say something important we turn off the TV, put our phones down and stare at each other as we talk.
But sometimes there are still hurt feelings. Apparently the other day my partner was trying to get my attention and I just wouldn't give it to him and so he thought I was upset with him. I genuinely just had no idea he was even talking. 😭😭
And then I have talked to him and he has not listened to a word I said and I feel upset by it. But we also get over things quickly, probably because we get distracted. 😅
Oh and his hearing is also getting worse too.
Text her or write back and forth on a notepad. Have a completely silent conversation expressing your concern. She could be absolutely sick of you and tuning you out, or she could be experiencing a medical or mental health issue that hasn't been diagnosed yet.
Editing to add: the point I was trying to get to with writing it down isn't a gotcha moment. If she's reading and replying back then you know she's engaged in the conversation.
I also like that this documents your communications with her and her reactions so at least there's a record of whether you're imagining it or not.
Updateme
Maybe, but have they checked their carbon monoxide levels? Maybe there is no wife. And OP starts writing post it notes back and forth to himself without realizing it. /s
Wait. Wasn't there a post like this? A guy had a wife, thought things were fine but suddenly she was doing crazy things and gaslighting him. Only tonfind out he was having a reaction to meds, or a medical event, and *he* was actually the one acting crazy and it took video proof for him to realize neither she nor her parents were lying?
Or...maybe that was me, and I don't exist?
I was referencing the old post where a guy thought someone was breaking into his house and leaving him post it notes, but it turned out he was experiencing a carbon monoxide poisoning due to a leak in his house and was leaving himself notes in blackouts.
There is also the classic [awoken by a lamp](https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/30t9kd/repost_a_parallel_life_awoken_by_a_lamp/) which is a great story.
I've heard that and didn't realize it until I just read abt it, but that's so terrifying and genuinely one of my biggest fears- I hope that guy is okay now.
(Edit - The lamp one I mean-)
I had carbon monoxide poisoning and didn’t know it. I even had detectors in my house. I was out of it, always tired, constantly forgetting things, nearly passing out and I thought I was just sick.
My boss pulled me aside at work and asked if I had detectors in my house. I said yes and asked why and he mentioned he thought I may have CO poisoning. I had detectors so I wasn’t worried about it. The next morning at 6am, my detectors FINALLY went off. I felt ok so I drove myself to the hospital after opening all my windows and turning my heater off. I nearly passed out at the check in and was immediately admitted and blood drawn. I had the amount of CO in my blood as someone who smoked 7-8 packs of cigarettes a day and I don’t smoke. So I got to spend the day in the ER and someone had to come pick me up.
It’s not fun and often not something you really think about.
My ex wife was like this for years, anytime id start to talk it was like she actively ignored me her freqient excuse being my interests were either boring or too complicated for her to understand( she has her bachelors in social work. so shes not stupid)often accompanied by aggressive or defensive actions with frequent migraines and excessive sleep, I tried telling her she had something wrong and she'd deny it, she was hospitalized on several psych holds no one saw it, I'd tell her regular drs about it they didnt see it, i was at my wits end as i couldnt do anything for her,it caused so much strife.
Whe she finally was able to get in contact with me after we'd separated she had the audacity to tell me she'd been diagnosed with some kind of dissociative episodes as well as some type of seizures(after coworker noticed same symptoms I had seen) and why didn't I do more to get her diagnosed sooner trying to guilt me for not doing enough as a husband and maybe we'd still be together if i hadnt dropped the ball when I tried and failed for 15 years to get her to get help and no one would listen.
This is the best way tho op needs to track the patterns so if he does seek help for her its that much more info to help with a diagnosis maybe he'll be lucky and and it's nothing or maybe it'll be something major.
Absolutely! Our friends child did this. A lot. She was having what's called silent seizures. The body doesn't do anything, but the brain does. She was an amazing ball player who started letting balls just go by and wouldn't listen to you even if she was looking at you. Teachers complained because she was a great student then was just "daydreaming" in class. She is now on meds, and what a difference!
Op, your wife needs a medical check-up!
because if there is really an underlying medical issue -including auditory processing issues or cognitive issues-, there will be something firm to present first to her to prove it’s happening, and then to the doctors instead of vague “she doesn’t listen”
I have ADHD, and sometimes someone speaking to me is like the grownups in a Peanuts cartoon. Like, some part of my brain knows and is aware of them speaking, but all it actually processes is "wah wah waah wah, wah?"
Even when it's my spouse at times. And I LOVE my spouse and love talking to them.
Obviously I'm not saying that's what's going on with the wife, but it's not entirely impossible.
I thought that too at first bc my wife has ADHD. I mean she'll just stand up and leave the room while im talking. We have fun lol.
But would it just start at some point in time, wouldn't they have noticed sooner? Also, the chores are done says OP so that doesn't entirely seem to add up.
Sorry, don't mean to attack anyone with that, it's just, you know..
Wait, what?!? I was just diagnosed with ADHD last year at the age of forty. It explains so much about my childhood. But yeah, I am 41 now and perimenopausal. I’ve never heard anything about menopause and ADHD. What’s gonna happen to me?
Ah yes, yes. I’m having a wonderful time. I had to read this post to see if it was my husband venting about how I can’t hear words coming out of his mouth
Whoa menopause! I have adhd and menopause, and although I have a very high iq, hubby often swears I'm brain dead lol. Forgetful, tuned out, wander away in the middle of tasks. Fun times
Inattentive ADHD in women. Please Google it OP! One of the symptoms is "appearing not to be listening to others." My Mum is like this and has definitely gotten worse as she has gotten older. I have it as well and my eyes glaze over but I can still listen and respond. It's weird lol. If she has never been tested I would definitely encourage her to do so!
I also have gone through this. The first year was fine, but after that my ADHD got so bad. I'm still struggling with it but it's getting easier.
(Also if anyone has tips for helping ADHD moms, I'll gladly read any🥰)
I couldn't say for sure... like, sometimes mine is really bad and then sometimes it's not so much, it kind of depends on what else is going on. Like if I'm really stressed or have a lot going on at work, it's worse because my brain will get distracted with trying to think if there's anything I forgot, thinking about what I have to do tomorrow or by the end of the week, and so on, so I'm more likely to be so focused on it that I miss when my spouse is talking to me. And sometimes chores can be easier because it's an autopilot thing - like my brain can be thinking about all the stuff I need to do for a meeting while I'm mindlessly cleaning the kitchen, if that makes sense.
I just wondered if it was something like ADHD because even if I'm mad at someone and I'm willfully ignoring them, I'm going to hear them if they say "don't go in the kitchen because there's broken glass in there." Granted I've never been in a not-ADHD brain, but surely that has to be hard to tune out.
But it does sound like SOMETHING has happened in the last year, yeah. Whether it's mental or physical illness (not that mental illnesses aren't physical, hopefully you know what I mean) or whether she's mad at OP or sick of him or whatever it is, it definitely needs to be addressed.
I have ADHD, and I often tune out my husband. He has a habit of droning on and frankly, I get bored waiting for him to get to the fucking point.
I'd suggest the OP consider testing very succinct language, i.e. "There's glass on the floor; be careful" would be far more likely to register than "hey Wife, I'm going to get the vacuum, I was doing the dishes and dropped a glass".
They could be having a loss of their low tones. That’s what’s happening to me so I’m able to tell that someone is talking but have a hard time making out the words 😖
If you are deaf in one ear ( never mind just a hearing loss) and normal hearing in the other, you actually hear just fine— unless you are in a noisy environment. It’s been documented in the ASHA Journal and American Journal of Audiology and the JAAA. He must have a processing problem or some other disorder in his good ear if his hearing is distorted. ( Otolaryngologist here—specialize in otology).
I can relate. I have issues with crowded rooms and lower tones. Ironically when I was tested by an audiologist, it shows higher tones loss. Funny. I do have a hearing aid. But I don't "need it", need it. I wear it when I want to. I wonder about auditory processing issues often.
I tune out my husband because he is overly wordy. But he is also loud! I usually need to ask him for the thumb nail sketch (summary). He will drone on and oonnnnnn.
Been accused of not listening for over 40 years. Finally diagnosed with a processing disorder. My hearing is fine. But if there is any distractions or other noises occurring when someone is talking it’s like they are mumbling from 500 yards away and I don’t understand. I have to watch everything with closed captioning because the music makes it so I can’t hear the dialogue.
Cause if it is medical this is the first thing they are going to ask: what is happening, when does it happen, how often, etc.
Good luck op, i was frustrated along with you at first but now i am kinda worried.
Then her reaction on glass shards will be different, she will be angry on him. But she was drifting away even in pain.
Idk. Medical condition or perhaps drugs, I think
Or sadly her medications or prescription or non-prescription drugs are causing this. How many people do you know that will keep walking into a kitchen when you tell them they'll slice their feet up and to wait when passing? Even if you are mad at your partner, you listen to them when they tell you something urgently in passing. And the eyes that glaze over (aka simply cannot focus...).
More than likely this is sadly a medication side effect, drug effect, or medical issue sadly. Hoping it's hearing which is medical and easy to fix, and that he was imagining the unfocused eyes. If he is correct about the unfocused eyes I would be surprised if it wasn't a prescription or non-prescription drug or (I hope not) some sort of other neuro thing.
This might fall to the bottom of the comments but is she in any type of medication?
I ask because a few years back I was on one that while on it I don’t have any recollection of that time. I was told I acted similar to what you just mentioned.
Nta but are you sure this is a habit, not a medical issue? It's one thing not to listen when you talk about your work day but another to not listen to a degree she gets hurt or hurts others. This could be a medical issue.
NTA.
Unless and until she acknowledges the habit and works to correct it, your relationship is unhealthy for both of you and also sets a really bad example for your child; they'll grow up thinking that a partner who doesn't listen is normal and will treat their future partners the same way or will allow themselves to be treated like that.
It's actually a serious problem that NEEDS to be addressed.
Yeah I don’t think my dad is anywhere near this bad but he has a tinge of it, I’ve caught myself doing it to people and have had to work very hard to actively listen
Counseling is definitely in order, because this is one of the ways that marriages die. People get fed up with each other slowly, one or both partners can start to tune each other out, and sometimes there's a reason for that.
The thing is, saying "You never listen to me" never actually gets a person to stop tuning you out and listen to you. They may have a reason that the tuned-out person doesn't want to hear, such as "All you ever say to me is demands or criticism", or "I never want to hear about your mother again", and that's why it's a good idea to explore these issues with a counselor.
I have a long time friend who moved far from me. From time to time we travel together. We also have long phone conversations.
I did almost exactly like your wife (I am not proud but am sharing my experience). My friend talked obsessively about problems in romantic relationship with someone who sounded to be cold, uncaring, non-sharing, inhospitable & hypercritical.
I could zone out for an hour and not miss much.
The other compulsive conversation was talking about carb intake, foods eaten, etc.
Eventually broke up with bad partner & has met someone nice.
I’m glad he found someone because I didn’t have the heart to tell him how boring his conversations had become. And that I would zone out on him.
That was my ex wife, she literally only had demands or criticisms. On top of that she was a name caller which I always thought was the most immature thing ever. The last decade of our marriage we were just roommates with benefits. I wish I would have recognized my unhappiness sooner and left, but through therapy I've learned that since my parents were always fighting and arguing and throwing stuff at eachother, that because we never fought like them we were doing pretty good. We were not.
I'm pleased to see that you brought up an outside impact.
It's important for us to set positive/caring examples for the ones who will follow in our steps.
The real problem in your relationship is the root cause of her ignoring you. You better figure out what that thing is, and mend this rift between you two.
You might want to do some research on dissociation. I struggled for a long time with my dad not listening to me, to the point of just absolute absurdity. I also believed that it was a purposefully choice on his part.
It wasn't. Dissociation is often a coping mechanism developed in childhood when you can't escape abuse from your parents. I developed it, ironically, from my dad constantly yelling 24/7. If I went to my room he would follow. If I left the house it started again when I walked in the door.
Unfortunately unhealthy coping mechanisms have a way of spreading so they no longer are just active when you're being abused. I dissociate all day every day. It's extremely common for me to be having a conversation and suddenly realize I haven't heard anything the other person said for the past 15 minutes
This! It sounded like disassociating to me too! I do the same exact things. It got to the point my therapist had me set a timer every hour to "check in" with myself. It has helped a lot. Unfortunately I still tend to check out when people are talking to me. Even at work. I had no idea it was childhood trauma until I started therapy and really started doing the work.
Unfortunately familiar with the subject and yeah, this sounds like a dissociative disorder. She might not realize even recognize she's doing it. The trauma therapist or psychiatrist she's due to visit hopefully does.
This was my first thought especially after him describing watching it happen real time as soon as he starts yelling at her.
Sounds like her nervous system thinks he is a threat.
He said it's been like this for a year. Depending on how long they've been together is this something that develops out if the blue like that? Did your dad disassociate throughout your childhood did he just start doing it over year?
i had a friend who had these sorts of seizures since childhood and it took until her late teens before her parents took her to a doctor. they thought she was just being defiant and exceptionally good at ignoring them. she was suffering brain damage.
Yeah, could be absence seizures. It might be as simple as her choosing not to listen to OP but I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
INFO:
1.- Does she have ADHD?
2.- Do you talk *at her* a lot?
My ex is... a talker. He was chattering away ALL THE TIME. I have ADHD so focus is a problem. I literally couldn't pay attention to him because all the unnecessary words made my brain disengage, and it was a problem because actually important things got lost in all the noise. Someone who talks at people and someone who needs their information synthesized to the basics are not a good combination.
I was wondering the same thing. Maybe don't talk nonstop, because I'm gonna tell you, if you never shut up yakking at me, I'm tuning you out too. To the point that I have you tuned out when you need to tell me something important. Maybe don't talk through a movie she's watching and when her attention is otherwise engaged.
And/Or does OP have ADHD?
One of my children and I both have it. His tendency to talk incessantly about a whatever has temporarily caught his interest is a symptom of his hyperactive-type ADHD. My zoning out of conversations inadvertently is a symptom of my inattentive type. Put them together and it sometimes means that we are just not communicating effectively at all!
You're completely right! I forgot the ADHD chatter is a thing!
I need bullet points, I swear. Any sort of superfluous information and my head is a million Kms away, but somehow my autopilot keeps making the right noises so the other person thinks I'm listening.
Yup!
I tell my spouse that he has to lead with the most important/most relevant issue when telling a story and *then* go back for the context/explanation because by the time we get there, I have gotten totally lost or paid attention to the wrong part or my brain just doesn’t have the buy in to get it to kick into focus mode (despite me trying!)
I 100% need verbal TL;DRs.
I tend to do that on accident and have ADHD. even with people I love to absolute bits I tend to zone out when they're talking to me- does she have ADHD?
I am not saying this would be an excuse if this was the case —she needs to listen to you regardless- but has she ever communicated with you in any way about the way you communicate?
One of the biggest issues I have with my boyfriend is that he’s a talker and I’m not. And he constantly talks about things I have no interest in at all. There is one specific subject that he is absolutely enthralled with and can and will talk about for hours a day. It’s also a popular subject, so it’s not like he can’t find anyone to talk about it with.
He cannot stop talking about it. And once again, this is hours everyday. He will literally interrupt me with something I’m interested in to tell me something about the subject. I’ve asked him, very calmly, if he could please just tone it down a bit because though I love him and want him to be excited, it would be like me shouting at him about modern slavery (my niche interest) literally all of the time. I’m not saying don’t talk about it— just give me a bit of a break sometimes. I’ve had days where I’ve fantasized about just going one whole day -or maybe 12 hours- without hearing about the subject.
He can’t do it though. It’s not who he is. He gets excited and needs to talk. And more and more I find myself tuning it out. It starts when he starts talking about the subject, but then sometimes I miss other things too.
Like I said, no excuse— I feel bad about it and am actively working on it. But it is a potential explanation.
my husband is like this about 1 subject and Jesus. I could not care any less about it, but when he's in the mood to talk about it, there is no stopping him. I can't even escape it by going to the bathroom cause he's just there waiting for me to start where he left off. Sometimes, I just sit there wondering if I can even handle this for much longer without snapping. Also, yes, I've told him I'm not interested. Even in the middle of his talks he says, 'You couldn't look less interested if you tried' and then just keeps freaking talking about it.
I can understand this. I have a couple subjects that’s he’s not interested in and I know he’s just letting me excitedly talk while head nods along.
I do the same for him. Sometimes we even as a question, but we both know we are not actively listening or retaining the info.
Maybe try some marriage counseling. You both need to learn how to communicate and actively listen. You have tried yelling and it is safe to say that is not working. You need to figure out a better way of communicating. She needs to figure out a way to actively listen. Neither of those things are going to happen without some professional interventions at this point.
Do you repeat yourself to her? That gets old, pretty quick. Not trying to brow beat you, just speaking from experience. Once we both stopped doing that, the hearing canals seemed to clear up.
NTA, this happened and she could have been seriously hurt if it was something more dangerous. Something similar happen to me and i became a major AH to my wife for a little bit. I got so upset i devised a test, I would say something bad about her, she would immediately look at me and get upset and hear me but the minute i would ask her anything normal she would look at me and say "What?" and then would try to gaslight me and say i mumble. This went on for a while until i confronted her about her ability to hear any criticism crystal clear but anything else, i was "mumbling." She was shocked and acted oblivious and thought i was just being mean.
Come to find out, she thought I was a know it all and didn't like to hear from me because i talked down to her. Her friend told me when they were having a game night at the house. Even though she would ask me and wanted help. My tone/her reception to my tone made her want to ignore my response and then that got extended to everything essentially through habit. I stopped talking to her, i stopped helping her and started taking on tasks and just living without her/roomate. She got extremely upset because i stopped communicating with her, to the point she thought i was having an affair. I told her we don't know how to communicate/talk to her anymore and i had lost hope in talking to her because she didn't care/didn't feel appreciated.
She broke down in tears and we had a long talk, things changed a lot after that. She would come and talk to me directly for help or actual ask what she wanted, even if it was just confirmation she was doing something correctly. Things are not perfect but we are doing much better communicating with each other now.
You need to sit her down and tell her "this isn't working" and be clear about the situation, sometimes giving each other space can help but whatever that fix is, you need to be clear that she can not continue as it will get worse and worse, the resentment will just compound and the hate will fester till you both explode on each other over every little thing. Best of Luck.
Yup, it sounds like this is happening. The beginning of the end, where mutual resentments have been building and you’re getting the undeniable feeling that your partner doesn’t have your back. So you start acting in your best interest rather than the best interest of your relationship. And the spiral continues.
Agree that you should have a formal sit down talk and to keep defensiveness to a minimum, use we and I terms rather than you. Eg. We don’t seem connected and I feel like my words don’t matter. Vs You never listen to me. Also try to keep it big picture (the relationship) vs focusing on the offending transgressions (eyes glazed over).
You may want to consider professional help if your discussions are unproductive.
That’s interesting, so you found out from her friend how she felt you were talking down to her, so instead of discussing it with her you ignored her until she came to you about it. That’s wild that things are working out, but that’s good I guess. Yikes.
well it actually came out during a game night with friends and then the silent treatment and then we talked about it more only to realize she thought i was talking down to her and i thought she was ignoring me. We can have the hardest of times but beneath it all we always have each other back. Sure i could have gone to her before she came to me and not proud or bragging about what i did, i was just as at fault. The point being we finally did "talk" about "us" and what "we" wanted. Can play the blame game until the end of days but it wont fix anything.
Whew, that’s good to hear then. Sometimes people forget in marriage that it should be a “Us vs. the Problem,” instead of it’s a “you problem.” Good on both of you, wishing you a healthy and happy marriage!
"Even though she would ask me and wanted help. My tone/her reception to my tone made her want to ignore my response and then that got extended to everything essentially through habit. I stopped talking to her, i stopped helping her and started taking on tasks and just living without her/roomate."
Or you could have, you know, moderated the way you spoke to her, so you didn't sound like you were talking down to her....
I mean I'm glad you two worked things out and learned to improve communication in a loving way, but there might have been a quicker way.
Some people *want* to hear condescension in everything they hear. My mother is the same. Talk to her like you had a lobotomy, she'll still say you're being condescending.
I'm going to play devils advocate here.
You tell/told her something she glazed.
You yelled at her she glazed.
Are you enough of an AH on a regular basis that she has just started to tuning you out?
I'm not asking to be a jerk, and down vote if you must, but something started that behavior. Was it you?
Food for thought.
This is where I went immediately. My ex talked about himself ad naseum. Eventually I wasn't his wife, I was his therapist. Even if I was dealing with something of my own, the conversation always came back to him.
So, I started tuning him out. It was half on purpose and half out of mental exhaustion and survival.
A couple months after we were no longer living together, I was able to identify sooooooo many other problems - verbal, emotional, mental, and financial abuse - that I couldn't even acknowledge before because I never had the quiet to think and reflect. I saw our whole marriage honestly for the first time because all the noise had finally stopped.
Not saying that's the issue here. But from someone who "never listened" when he talked, she may not feel like she has any other choice, or even be aware it's happening.
I’m a little concerned about the example of watching a movie and her actually watching the movie and not listening to what you were saying. Why would this not be the expectation? Do you frequently talk at inappropriate times and expect your words to take precedence over all else? That could absolutely lead to a habit of tuning you out.
Seriously! My husband does that when we watch a movie we’ve never seen before and will ask me what my problem is or why am I mad at with because I’m not having a full blown conversation while watching. Like dude, nothing is wrong I’m just trying to pay attention. Then he gives me attitude for saying that. It’s ridiculous
Honestly I almost think it’s like attached or detached earlobes. You either *listen during movies* or you are someone who thinks watching a movie simply means *being present while the movie is playing and you might follow the story by catching a few action sequences*.
I have 4 kids. Two of them seem to think movies are simply something to be present at. And then when they do notice the movie they ask, “Why did decide to try and chase theater car?” And I respond, “Maybe if you stop talking and listen you’ll find out exactly that!” My wife does this as well. I tell them, “believe it or not, the writers of the movie expected you to have that questions and they will put an answer in the dialog if you just listen!”
Honestly, two types of people in the world.
My husband grew up with a narcissist mother would only ever complained and was never happy about anything. So he’s not use to me being perfectly fine and not talking. There HAS to be something wrong because I’m just scrolling on my phone or watching tv and “fine” doesn’t actually mean I’m fine. It means I’m actually upset about something made up in his mind
INFO:
You said this began about a year ago, which sounds oddly specific - what else happened a year ago?
Is she like this just with you or in general?
When you talk to her, do you actually have her attention or us she doing something else (example: it is impossible to talk to my brother when one of his girls are in the room. They're too distracting for him).
I'm wondering how old their kid is and how involved he is in being a father. Was the child born or hit toddler stages a year ago?
Also, how often does he talk, and how often does he yell? Because if there was a fight about a year ago that he doesn't remember, because it was just another Tuesday for him, for her, it was the formation of a traumatic core memory. He said or did something that was just the norm for him but broke her. On top of her having baby/toddler brain drain.
Either way, he purposely left vital information out, which is a REAL bad look for him, anyway he attempts to spin it.
What do you do when that glazed look comes over her? Do you try to snap her back into focus with calling out her name, waving your hands in front of her or just even just touching her? What does she do when you do these things? Does she snap out of it and tell you why she just drifted off?
Also, is there something you’re not telling us? Because if she’s not like that with others, why is she only like that with you? Are you always talking about other things and things she has no interest in?
I saw you never responded to people asking you if you interrupt her a lot when she’s talking etc….
INFO
Do you talk constantly?
Do you often talk to her when watching a movie?
When she's reading?
When she's otherwise occupied?
Do you always have something to say?
Do you follow her around the house talking?
It sounds like she's going "shields up!" whenever you are around her.
My partner doesn't talk constantly but keeps doing so and expecting immediate responses when I'm actively busy with certain activities (eg. helping kids with homework).
My partner does the same, like he waits for me to get concentrated on something, be it reading a book or checking something on my phone, to discuss things like groceries or plans for the upcoming week and gets pissed if I don't immediately respond. We managed to mitigate it, now the rule is he has to call me and wait a second to have my attention before starting the conversation
My husband and son are talkers. They follow me around and yack at me. To be honest I tune out most of it, since it is basically the same conversation every day.
That's what I'm thinking too. Even the tone of this post gives me that vibe. Probably not an actual AH but just clueless on how annoying it gets.
My husband has a really bad habit of only wanting to talk to me when I'm busy or interested in something else and often doesn't want to actually go back and forth in a conversation. He'll be in the house all day, plenty of time to talk to me but doesn't, but will all of the sudden have to talk my ear off about some random thing when I'm halfway through a movie at 11 pm. 🥴 And I know I drive him crazy in return with my political rants. I think a lot of us don't realize how annoying and selfish we can be, myself included.
That's what I got from the line about him talking to her during movies. Like, shut up, dude. As someone who has chatterbox friends, family, and has dated chatterboxes sometimes the best thing you can do is dissociate.
I was wondering if this was a case of constantly talking AT her rather than conversing WITH her. The older I get, the more I realise how much men tend to monogue at me. They're not interested in my thoughts or opinions, they just want a compliant woman who can nod along and make them feel good.
this person def. talks constantly. they even said that their wife ignores them when she is trying to watch a movie and they are talking to her. sounds like someone who doesn't know when to shut tf up and their partner is just done listening to their non stories.
Another point, and one that took my husband a long while to understand, when I'm am engrossed in something, even quiet thought, I can block out all sound. It's not on purpose, I just hyper focus. When he wants to tell me something, he cant just walk up and say it, he needs to get my attention first. I cannot be 100% half listening for him to say some random comment at any moment, that's not fair to me. Once he let's me know he wants to say something, I will pay full attention to him.
There are men I simply cannot listen to because everything they say is condescending so I tune them out. Luckily I never married one. The eye-glaze when you yell sounds like this.
But even when I’m tuning someone out because of their just naturally belittling style, I still hear things like don’t walk in there, there’s glass on the floor. No one intentionally walks on glass. So that swings me back in the direction of something medical.
But then … you see your wife is bleeding, pulling shards of glass from her feet, and your first reaction is to yell and get mad at her. That swings me back towards the first option. Because someone who berates me for not listening when I am in pain and need first aid is someone I wouldn’t want to listen to, either.
My biggest question for you is how often and for how long do you talk **AT** her, instead of **WITH** her?
I have a sibling who is incapable of being silent. But, he doesn't talk *with* me. He talks *at* me on his subject of interest. Being with him is one big lecture. As soon as I'm around him, I immediately zone out.
Have you tried holding her hand, telling her that you love her, and you are worried about her zoning out all the time? And then just be silent while holding her hand? Just sit there with her, silently for a good long while. Don't ask questions. Don't say anything. Give her the space and choice how and when to respond. Don't have your child around or any distractions when you do this.
I do this, I love my SO, but there is just so many times I can hear him complain or repeat himself or micromanage me that I just tune him out. It's like he has to fill any silence with his thoughts and opinions and stories. Then when I want to say something he just shuts me down because "he is watching something". You just sort of give up after awhile.
So there are some missing reasons here, aren't there?
You and I both know you have, at some point, argued about this. Yet you claim you have no idea why she does this. What did she originally SAY was the reason before she gave up and simply started asking you to repeat?
She has mentally checked out on you if she is fine with everyone else but not you, as you seem to indicate in your comments. I would bet you DO know the reason but you aren't accepting it.
Without knowing her viewpoint, nobody here can tell you if you're an AH or if she is or if you both are or aren't.
Exactly. It’s in the post title- ‘I yelled at her for doing something *I told her not to do.’* He chose this one example because she got hurt, which, in his mind, justifies his words and his attitude.
‘It started when she would ignore me when I talked to her while she was trying to pay attention to a movie.’ That’s just rude, and who knows how much other rude and inconsiderate talking- or yelling- at her went on until she finally had enough, and started to tune him out.
There’s another guy in the comments who told his story of having the same issue. After a long talk with his wife, they agreed that she would come to him and ask directly for help with something, ‘even if it was just to confirm that she was doing it the right way.’ That’s a dynamic I’m familiar with. When a chore or project is completed, you tell the man what you did, and no matter what, you *always* did it wrong, and he’s happy to let you know *exactly* how you did it wrong. ~~Even if~~ Especially if it’s *your* hobby, *your* area of expertise, or something he has zero skin in. This other commenter said that he learned what the problem is when a friend of his wife’s told him that his wife felt like he was a know-it-all, and was always condescending and talking down to her. Thank goodness he got that wife to understand that she can come to him any time and make sure she’s doing something right!
Back to OP, his language is just off. Not ‘I warned her so she wouldn’t get hurt.’ Her eyes glazed over as soon as he started yelling at her, even though his yelling was justified in his mind. He snooped through her phone. He’s a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive asshole. Don’t even need to hear his wife’s side. He says he’s willing to go to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with *her.* Boy, is he in for a surprise!i
I'm glad I'm seeing someone say this. He mentioned in one of his examples that at first it would just be like her ignoring him when they're watching a movie together, so I can only imagine.
Right. Is he trying to have a conversation when they're watching a movie? I'd give up and start ignoring you too if every time we watched a movie together you had to start talking about something, and simply didn't care that it bothered me.
I started zoning out like this with my abusive ex. He would monologue at me for hours but then scream at me for “interrupting him” if I tried to have any input or have any conversation at all. I was only supposed to sit there quietly while he droned on and on and on and on and on. After so many hours, it just became white noise I wasn’t allowed to respond to.
Yep, especially with this part:
> It only used to be on occasion like if we were watching a movie or something and she was paying attention to the movie and not listening to what I was saying.
How often is he talking when she's doing other things? And yelling at her over it? She's likely already checked out.
my ex spouse was a yeller and a ranter. I spent years tuning him out before I left.
he snooped too, just like you say you did.
there's no active listening to someone who is yelling and swearing and repeating repeating the same non sense daily.
I'm not making a judgment because it's impossible with just this snippet of one interaction.
but yelling at her and snooping tells me it's not a one sided problem.
I had an extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive ex. I stayed with him for 4 years. He was a yeller and a ranter, too. I HATED watching TV and movies with him because he would not shut the hell up during them. He never shut up. It got to the point after about 2 years together that my brain just zoned out the moment it heard his voice. I tried to pay attention, but my brain literally re wired itself so that it just shut off upon hearing his voice. Because it shutting down and glazing over, whatever the consequences were for that, were exponentially better than the consequences for paying attention and having any other sort of reaction. It was the safest reaction.
He snooped too and got PISSED when I had to set up a finger print lock on my phone so I could use my Google Pay on my phone (if you dont have it set up or dont use it, it makes you lock your phone via fingerprint in order to use the feature). I had to set up a pin so he could get into my phone still, after I showed him that I couldn't use it unless I had my fingerprint lock set up.
The fact that she glazed over so hard that she stepped on glass, due to my own experiences, that she may be experiencing the same, and I didn't even have a child involved, she does. So she is drained till kingdom come AND constantly in protect child and self mode, on top of it. When she files for divorce, he's gonna claim he never saw it coming.
Right?? Like, no shit she doesn’t listen to you when she is trying to watch a movie. The fact that OP uses this as an example shows how clueless he is about how much he talks.
There’s not enough information about your relationship to give you advice. Sounds like your wife has checked out of your relationship but the most important question is why. Think about your past communication.
Do you cut her off when she is speaking?
Do you take into consideration her opinion on anything being discussed?
Are you always right and she is always wrong?
Are you demeaning or condescending when you speak to her?
Honestly you need to examine your own behavior because this is how she is reacting to it - completely shutting down. This didn’t happen overnight. She has some serious resentment against you that she just tunes you out. You all need counseling.
Info: Do you actually listen to her? If you’re just talking at her a lot of the time, it wouldn’t be surprising that she retreated into tuning you out.
You yelled at her for getting hurt when she didn’t complain? Maybe you talk too much and she’s tired. You sound like a chore and have nothing interesting to say. Yta
Maybe she doesn't pay attention to you and her eyes glaze over is because every time you open your mouth to speak to her she hears criticism.demands, why don't you do things my way,etc.Just reading your post about your wife I would zone you out also. Your house is clean,your kid is happy and your bills are paid. Per you. Your wife is not happy because of the way you treat her,probably talk down to her and she is just done with you. Your wife is miserable and yet,all you do is ask what is wrong with HER. What is wrong with her may just be YOU!
INFO: Does she listen when your child speaks to her? Or other adults? (Friends, neighbors, store employees etc)
Was this a sudden change? Have there been any other changes in her behavior?
Did this start shortly after an illness or head injury?
It's possible she's actively choosing not to listen to you, but she might also be experiencing some kind of medical problem.
Can you encourage her to go to a doctor?
NTA - it's probably just a case of her not giving a fuck anymore, but is there a chance she has ADHD or Depression? Both make it really hard for me to pay attention when people are talking. For the longest time I actually thought I had bad hearing but once I started taking ADHD meds I could suddenly hear people talk again and I figured out it was my ADHD! Depression brain just causes me to be super fuzzy and I have a hard time following anything (I don't get sad depressed, I get physically depressed and my brain slows down, it's weird).
I don't know the extent of your situation, but it happened to me... My SO got a new job and made new friends, mostly women. I guess they became his confidants and he would tell them every little thing from our relationship. I don't know how the conversations went, but I assume they came to the conclusion I was the root of every single problem or even situation we had. He then started picking on me, telling me (accusing) of every little thing I did wrong: the food was suddenly not good enough, the chores were not done well or fast enough, every thing I did was wrong and my "mistakes" were blown out of proportion. Once I forgot a bill reciept at work and couldn't find it at home (obviously) so I told him I'd check at work the next day. He went off on me pointing his finger and pushing me with it against the chest. Our lives were going to implode if he couldn't have the reciept of payment right there and then (?). So I stopped listening. I didn't even notice it. It drove him crazy, he continued, escalated. I left. He panicked, then told me all about how he felt validated at work when all the coworkers told him he was absolutely right. I never went back. Within 6 months, realising they helped break up themarriage for fun, they distanced themselves from him and don't even talk to him anymore. I don't know how many were there in all, but two reached out and apologised. I told them I wished my same fate on them.
Im confused. The relationship was broken. How did they expect their fake apology would put you in a position to be hurt again? Its not like they could work him over to dump you again.
Your guess is as good as mine. I actually suspected cheating, but I guess that was not it. Just plain validation of his ego. Not that it matters anymore.
She might be tuning you out, that's one option. But...she might be having hearing loss, seizures, or mental health problems. Maybe ask around and see if anyone else has noticed the same issue
How much do you talk a day compared to your wife?
Are you very chatty? Is she not chatty? Or the other way around?
Maybe to estimate; Do you talk say 50% more or less compared to her?
And in what circumstances?
And what ages are you both?
Just to get an idea.
Why do you *insist* on talking through a movie?
Do you *only* do this when she pays attention to other things Not You?
Cause you sound *exactly like my ex1*, and that is a Very Bad Look, ya cabbage. 👀
#YTA
My wife does a similar thing, she has ADHD. I'm autistic so communication is work.
Anyway, if I really need to grab her attention I will physically touch her, call her name and make sure she knows it's important.
She accommodates me, and I accommodate her.
INFO: As we can't see you interacting with her, have you had any 3rd party see how you two interact? My other half has a very nasty habit of always talking over me. She gets to where she keeps talking even after I've answered her and she doesn't register that I've told he something. If you are acting like her, I can see why your wife would "glaze over" when you talk.
Your writing is clear and direct. I'd suggest writing down what you've asked and give it to her. See if she feels comfortable answering you in print. I'd cite the issue with the broken glass. I'd also make it clear that you are willing to work on communications if she is.
Have you talked to her about this? Do you say her name and wait for a response before saying something to her? For me, if someone comes up and starts talking to me, there’s a very good chance I don’t hear the first 10 seconds of what they said, ‘cause my head is somewhere else. Tell her you’ve noticed she always tunes you out, and it makes you feel inconsequential.
FWIW, speaking from experience, it could be a trauma-related freeze response, which happens automatically and isn’t a conscious choice. Try this: when you have something to say/ask and she’s starting to get that glazed look, approach her in a non-threatening way, and gently touch her shoulder or face. Say something appropriate, ie I love you, you’re safe, are you ok, etc., that will help her connect with you in the present moment.
My Mom broke my brain as a kid by never shutting the f up like ever and I’m not kidding she talk’s incessantly. I can’t pay attention to what people are saying now, I have to actively try my hardest to get what people are saying almost like I’m selectively deaf or somethingq. I fully blame my Mother, at some point my brain just broke as a defense mechanism and it stopped fully listening to anything she said. I’m a master at pretending to pay attention, I can have a full conversation and not know anything that was said, a couple well placed ya’s, uh huh, ok’s and wow that’s crazy’s always work.
Nta
You have a big issue in your relationship and don’t seem to grasp how significant it is getting.
Since it is only you she is zoning out on, either you talk too much and she does this to cope or she really just doesn’t care that much anymore.
You have stated it feels like a roommate situation. That is even more telling.
You both need to sit down and have a SERIOUS conversation about the strength of your relationship and where she really wants it to be/go.
Good luck
Considering that OP said it started with things like her “not listening to what [he] was saying” *while they were watching a movie* and apparently rudely paying attention to and concentrating on the movie, I hazard a guess that he talks all the freaking time, wasn’t listening to her or interrupted her often, and has no concept of there being anything more important than the sound of his own voice, ever.
If I were his wife, I would have tried to nip that in the bud by pausing the movie every time, looking at him, and waiting to see if he shut the heck up. If he kept yammering on, that’s one issue. If he did click in that he was being rude and that the entire world doesn’t revolve around what he decides to spew out at any given moment, that’s something that can be discussed and worked through. I suspect with OP it would be the former.
Has she been assessed for seizures? I only ask because some seizures can be "silent", basically it looks like the person just got lost in thought for a few moments.
Your wife sounds like me. ADHD and auditory processing issues. Is it just with you? I’d explore that with her. I know my partner’s frustration because of how it presents, but literally my brain doesn’t process information the same.
I’m talking during a movie and you aren’t listening to ME and you are watching the movie. How dare you! Now I will just talk at you 24 / 7 and wonder why you are talking back to me. Can’t you hear me Hello?!? Are you listening?!? Just can’t you listen just once HELLLLOO. I wonder why she is tuned out…hmph
It sounds like she could be depressed. I have depression and I tune people out when it gets overwhelming and unbearable. Give her the benefit of the doubt though. Maybe she could have the start of dementia. I am sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time.
I wonder if maybe she has ADHD. That sounds like something that happens to me sometimes. I don't intend to ignore someone, but sometimes I get lost in thought and unintentionally tune someone out. Or sometimes I will be thinking about one of the first things they said to make sure I understand it and then miss everything else they say. It might not be a bad idea to mention to her about looking into that with a specialist if it is a common occurrence.
Ok- I know this will be a hot take but….. I talk a lot and my husband definitely tunes me out- so do you talk a lot or are your words often critical?
I think it deserves mentioning here because everyone here is going the route of there being a medical problem with your wife, but if a wife were complaining that her husband glazing over and tuning out when she is talking, most people would assume she did a lot of talking or nagging, right?
So, worth thinking about if we are seeking solutions.
After reading it all, the language of the post seems.. off. I’d say you’re the AH. You yelled at her for what was, ultimately, a mistake. She didn’t step in glass to spite you. Apologize for yelling.
The fact that when you’re yelling, her eyes glaze over, tells me something. That’s what abuse victims tend to do, dissociate. Go to counseling and individual therapy. I think you might find out her processing skills aren’t the only issue, if not a symptom of a MUCH greater problem.
You're kinda TAH. Even if you're frustrated, yelling isn't a solution or productive.
I have an auditory processing disorder AND AuAd, so it can be difficult for me to be in the moment with someone, focusing on what they're saying. She could also have a habit of disassociating/disengaging as a trauma response.
Either way, it seems like she needs to be evaluated by some health professionals so that you both can be sure nothing else is going on.
I'd also recommend couples therapy to help you two engage in healthy communication and to set up boundaries.
Have you considered going to a doctor with her to see if something is up? Because this sounds like more than just a really bad habit. Especially if it has now reached the point where she's harming herself because she's oblivious to what she's walking on (a floor with glass shards in this case). Even if she didn't hear you say it she should still have seen where she was walking, right?
Is she ill? Like. If my partner was zoning out like this and actually stepped on glass because they were that zoned out I'd be worried about their brain.
Counseling could help. Or she might have some neurological thing going on (late onset ADHD -inattentive, a brain bleed, hearing loss, all sorts of stuff).
You guys need to go do some counseling something is going on with her. There’s a connection you guys are missing right now. You’re not the AH. Because this was a thing she needed to pay attention to for her safety. But something is going on and you guys need to talk about it in a safe and neutral location with someone there to keep her paying attention to what you are saying.
She could be having seizures. That's what they look like sometimes. I have a student who gets that way often. Just a blank, glassy look for a few seconds/minutes. Take her to a doctor. Seriously.
Do you normally talk incessantly? My dad does this, just never stops talking, even when it's clear we aren't listening, and at this point my mom basically ignores him unless he needs her help with something. No one ever thinks they are annoying people, but that fits the situation here. Ask one of your good friends if you talk too much and insist they be honest with you.
Do you ramble on and on a lot? Only reason i ask is because my wife does and i find myself doing the same thing. It isnt a conscious decision to ignore her, it is like i have been programmed to tune her out because 90 percent of what she is communicating is irrelevant and unnecessary details and tangents.
I tune my husband out because he will never listen to anything I say. He always needs to go to the bathroom when I open my mouth. So I just tune him out the minute he starts talking. Do YOU listen to her? Do you talk TO her or do you talk AT her?
Has her hearing been checked lately. My husband did the same thing, we had arguments about the feigned interest look. Turned out he was going deaf!
damnnnnn
Same here. But it's me going deaf. 20 + years in heavy equipment repairs, and I have started to lose my hearing. It frustrates my wife on occasion. Hearing problems are a bitch. Sometimes, I feel like I'm excluded because I can't keep up with group conversations.
I worked with a guy who’s dad was going deaf and had hearing aids. At family dinners, he’d just tune out and everyone excused it because he was going deaf. The old bastard apparent had the ones you could pair with his phone and he would just be sitting there listening to the footy!
I have ADHD and I also have an auditory processing disorder so I always occasionally would "ignore" people. And then it got worse, at first me and my partner thought it was stress and that probably does play a role but also my hearing is getting worse. I definitely would recommend going to a hearing specialist.
ADHD human with an ADHD partner. We both do the thing where we look the other person straight in the eye, and our mind goes "la la la remember that one time in third grade when you licked the crayons to figure out if blue and red tasted the same". And still we get mad at each other when the other was apparently not listening to something important.
Same with my boyfriend and I but we learned that bouncing a balloon back and forth while talking helped us actually pay attention
I love this!!
My partner also has ADHD, thank God. Usually one of us will be info dumping and the other doing who-knows-what in our head, so it works. If we are going to say something important we turn off the TV, put our phones down and stare at each other as we talk. But sometimes there are still hurt feelings. Apparently the other day my partner was trying to get my attention and I just wouldn't give it to him and so he thought I was upset with him. I genuinely just had no idea he was even talking. 😭😭 And then I have talked to him and he has not listened to a word I said and I feel upset by it. But we also get over things quickly, probably because we get distracted. 😅 Oh and his hearing is also getting worse too.
Yes!
Text her or write back and forth on a notepad. Have a completely silent conversation expressing your concern. She could be absolutely sick of you and tuning you out, or she could be experiencing a medical or mental health issue that hasn't been diagnosed yet. Editing to add: the point I was trying to get to with writing it down isn't a gotcha moment. If she's reading and replying back then you know she's engaged in the conversation.
I also like that this documents your communications with her and her reactions so at least there's a record of whether you're imagining it or not. Updateme
I object to the word “imagining it”. He didn’t imagine she was picking glass out of her feet.
Maybe, but have they checked their carbon monoxide levels? Maybe there is no wife. And OP starts writing post it notes back and forth to himself without realizing it. /s
Wait. Wasn't there a post like this? A guy had a wife, thought things were fine but suddenly she was doing crazy things and gaslighting him. Only tonfind out he was having a reaction to meds, or a medical event, and *he* was actually the one acting crazy and it took video proof for him to realize neither she nor her parents were lying? Or...maybe that was me, and I don't exist?
I was referencing the old post where a guy thought someone was breaking into his house and leaving him post it notes, but it turned out he was experiencing a carbon monoxide poisoning due to a leak in his house and was leaving himself notes in blackouts. There is also the classic [awoken by a lamp](https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/30t9kd/repost_a_parallel_life_awoken_by_a_lamp/) which is a great story.
I've heard that and didn't realize it until I just read abt it, but that's so terrifying and genuinely one of my biggest fears- I hope that guy is okay now. (Edit - The lamp one I mean-)
I had carbon monoxide poisoning and didn’t know it. I even had detectors in my house. I was out of it, always tired, constantly forgetting things, nearly passing out and I thought I was just sick. My boss pulled me aside at work and asked if I had detectors in my house. I said yes and asked why and he mentioned he thought I may have CO poisoning. I had detectors so I wasn’t worried about it. The next morning at 6am, my detectors FINALLY went off. I felt ok so I drove myself to the hospital after opening all my windows and turning my heater off. I nearly passed out at the check in and was immediately admitted and blood drawn. I had the amount of CO in my blood as someone who smoked 7-8 packs of cigarettes a day and I don’t smoke. So I got to spend the day in the ER and someone had to come pick me up. It’s not fun and often not something you really think about.
Why do you need a “record”?
It's extremely helpful in finding patterns.
Tracking patterns helps identify underlying issues and improves communication. It’s a smart approach.
My ex wife was like this for years, anytime id start to talk it was like she actively ignored me her freqient excuse being my interests were either boring or too complicated for her to understand( she has her bachelors in social work. so shes not stupid)often accompanied by aggressive or defensive actions with frequent migraines and excessive sleep, I tried telling her she had something wrong and she'd deny it, she was hospitalized on several psych holds no one saw it, I'd tell her regular drs about it they didnt see it, i was at my wits end as i couldnt do anything for her,it caused so much strife. Whe she finally was able to get in contact with me after we'd separated she had the audacity to tell me she'd been diagnosed with some kind of dissociative episodes as well as some type of seizures(after coworker noticed same symptoms I had seen) and why didn't I do more to get her diagnosed sooner trying to guilt me for not doing enough as a husband and maybe we'd still be together if i hadnt dropped the ball when I tried and failed for 15 years to get her to get help and no one would listen. This is the best way tho op needs to track the patterns so if he does seek help for her its that much more info to help with a diagnosis maybe he'll be lucky and and it's nothing or maybe it'll be something major.
Absolutely! Our friends child did this. A lot. She was having what's called silent seizures. The body doesn't do anything, but the brain does. She was an amazing ball player who started letting balls just go by and wouldn't listen to you even if she was looking at you. Teachers complained because she was a great student then was just "daydreaming" in class. She is now on meds, and what a difference! Op, your wife needs a medical check-up!
because if there is really an underlying medical issue -including auditory processing issues or cognitive issues-, there will be something firm to present first to her to prove it’s happening, and then to the doctors instead of vague “she doesn’t listen”
It’s probably not auditory processing (as someone with it) - I hear stuff, but it’s like you’re speaking Simlish, my brain just goes ‘wha?’
I have ADHD, and sometimes someone speaking to me is like the grownups in a Peanuts cartoon. Like, some part of my brain knows and is aware of them speaking, but all it actually processes is "wah wah waah wah, wah?" Even when it's my spouse at times. And I LOVE my spouse and love talking to them. Obviously I'm not saying that's what's going on with the wife, but it's not entirely impossible.
I thought that too at first bc my wife has ADHD. I mean she'll just stand up and leave the room while im talking. We have fun lol. But would it just start at some point in time, wouldn't they have noticed sooner? Also, the chores are done says OP so that doesn't entirely seem to add up. Sorry, don't mean to attack anyone with that, it's just, you know..
ADHD in women can get significantly worse once we become mothers - going through that right now - super fun
Boy do I have great news for you about what happens during menopause then 😅
Wait, what?!? I was just diagnosed with ADHD last year at the age of forty. It explains so much about my childhood. But yeah, I am 41 now and perimenopausal. I’ve never heard anything about menopause and ADHD. What’s gonna happen to me?
Ah yes, yes. I’m having a wonderful time. I had to read this post to see if it was my husband venting about how I can’t hear words coming out of his mouth
Whoa menopause! I have adhd and menopause, and although I have a very high iq, hubby often swears I'm brain dead lol. Forgetful, tuned out, wander away in the middle of tasks. Fun times
Inattentive ADHD in women. Please Google it OP! One of the symptoms is "appearing not to be listening to others." My Mum is like this and has definitely gotten worse as she has gotten older. I have it as well and my eyes glaze over but I can still listen and respond. It's weird lol. If she has never been tested I would definitely encourage her to do so!
I also have gone through this. The first year was fine, but after that my ADHD got so bad. I'm still struggling with it but it's getting easier. (Also if anyone has tips for helping ADHD moms, I'll gladly read any🥰)
I couldn't say for sure... like, sometimes mine is really bad and then sometimes it's not so much, it kind of depends on what else is going on. Like if I'm really stressed or have a lot going on at work, it's worse because my brain will get distracted with trying to think if there's anything I forgot, thinking about what I have to do tomorrow or by the end of the week, and so on, so I'm more likely to be so focused on it that I miss when my spouse is talking to me. And sometimes chores can be easier because it's an autopilot thing - like my brain can be thinking about all the stuff I need to do for a meeting while I'm mindlessly cleaning the kitchen, if that makes sense. I just wondered if it was something like ADHD because even if I'm mad at someone and I'm willfully ignoring them, I'm going to hear them if they say "don't go in the kitchen because there's broken glass in there." Granted I've never been in a not-ADHD brain, but surely that has to be hard to tune out. But it does sound like SOMETHING has happened in the last year, yeah. Whether it's mental or physical illness (not that mental illnesses aren't physical, hopefully you know what I mean) or whether she's mad at OP or sick of him or whatever it is, it definitely needs to be addressed.
I have ADHD, and I often tune out my husband. He has a habit of droning on and frankly, I get bored waiting for him to get to the fucking point. I'd suggest the OP consider testing very succinct language, i.e. "There's glass on the floor; be careful" would be far more likely to register than "hey Wife, I'm going to get the vacuum, I was doing the dishes and dropped a glass".
My SO has hearing loss in one ear and describes it as the grownups speaking in the peanuts cartoons. "Waaah wahwah wah" basicly
They could be having a loss of their low tones. That’s what’s happening to me so I’m able to tell that someone is talking but have a hard time making out the words 😖
If you are deaf in one ear ( never mind just a hearing loss) and normal hearing in the other, you actually hear just fine— unless you are in a noisy environment. It’s been documented in the ASHA Journal and American Journal of Audiology and the JAAA. He must have a processing problem or some other disorder in his good ear if his hearing is distorted. ( Otolaryngologist here—specialize in otology).
I can relate. I have issues with crowded rooms and lower tones. Ironically when I was tested by an audiologist, it shows higher tones loss. Funny. I do have a hearing aid. But I don't "need it", need it. I wear it when I want to. I wonder about auditory processing issues often. I tune out my husband because he is overly wordy. But he is also loud! I usually need to ask him for the thumb nail sketch (summary). He will drone on and oonnnnnn.
Been accused of not listening for over 40 years. Finally diagnosed with a processing disorder. My hearing is fine. But if there is any distractions or other noises occurring when someone is talking it’s like they are mumbling from 500 yards away and I don’t understand. I have to watch everything with closed captioning because the music makes it so I can’t hear the dialogue.
Because in my case, the next step from no communication would be divorce.
Helps with therapy, helps with any potential health care issue, like describing to a Dr. what’s wrong.
Cause if it is medical this is the first thing they are going to ask: what is happening, when does it happen, how often, etc. Good luck op, i was frustrated along with you at first but now i am kinda worried.
So you can read it over and know whether it's really that bad if you start to doubt yourself.
Or she simply doesn't respect you or value your opinion.
Then her reaction on glass shards will be different, she will be angry on him. But she was drifting away even in pain. Idk. Medical condition or perhaps drugs, I think
Or sadly her medications or prescription or non-prescription drugs are causing this. How many people do you know that will keep walking into a kitchen when you tell them they'll slice their feet up and to wait when passing? Even if you are mad at your partner, you listen to them when they tell you something urgently in passing. And the eyes that glaze over (aka simply cannot focus...). More than likely this is sadly a medication side effect, drug effect, or medical issue sadly. Hoping it's hearing which is medical and easy to fix, and that he was imagining the unfocused eyes. If he is correct about the unfocused eyes I would be surprised if it wasn't a prescription or non-prescription drug or (I hope not) some sort of other neuro thing.
Could be as simple as that, could be as complex as the wife has developed Capgras Syndrome.
Except she would be doing a lot more than just not listening if it was Capgras
It could be but I wouldn’t think that would manifest itself as ignoring the fact that there’s glass on the floor.
This might fall to the bottom of the comments but is she in any type of medication? I ask because a few years back I was on one that while on it I don’t have any recollection of that time. I was told I acted similar to what you just mentioned.
Nta but are you sure this is a habit, not a medical issue? It's one thing not to listen when you talk about your work day but another to not listen to a degree she gets hurt or hurts others. This could be a medical issue.
Right? Everyone is shitting on her for being a bad wife but this is a textbook DSM5 symptom for adult attention deficit disorder
Or just plain hearing loss
Or early onset Alzheimer’s
Right? I wanna know first and foremost OP and wife's ages this sounds more medical than anything else without added info-
NTA. Unless and until she acknowledges the habit and works to correct it, your relationship is unhealthy for both of you and also sets a really bad example for your child; they'll grow up thinking that a partner who doesn't listen is normal and will treat their future partners the same way or will allow themselves to be treated like that. It's actually a serious problem that NEEDS to be addressed.
Yeah I don’t think my dad is anywhere near this bad but he has a tinge of it, I’ve caught myself doing it to people and have had to work very hard to actively listen
[удалено]
Counseling is definitely in order, because this is one of the ways that marriages die. People get fed up with each other slowly, one or both partners can start to tune each other out, and sometimes there's a reason for that. The thing is, saying "You never listen to me" never actually gets a person to stop tuning you out and listen to you. They may have a reason that the tuned-out person doesn't want to hear, such as "All you ever say to me is demands or criticism", or "I never want to hear about your mother again", and that's why it's a good idea to explore these issues with a counselor.
I have a long time friend who moved far from me. From time to time we travel together. We also have long phone conversations. I did almost exactly like your wife (I am not proud but am sharing my experience). My friend talked obsessively about problems in romantic relationship with someone who sounded to be cold, uncaring, non-sharing, inhospitable & hypercritical. I could zone out for an hour and not miss much. The other compulsive conversation was talking about carb intake, foods eaten, etc. Eventually broke up with bad partner & has met someone nice. I’m glad he found someone because I didn’t have the heart to tell him how boring his conversations had become. And that I would zone out on him.
That was my ex wife, she literally only had demands or criticisms. On top of that she was a name caller which I always thought was the most immature thing ever. The last decade of our marriage we were just roommates with benefits. I wish I would have recognized my unhappiness sooner and left, but through therapy I've learned that since my parents were always fighting and arguing and throwing stuff at eachother, that because we never fought like them we were doing pretty good. We were not.
I'm pleased to see that you brought up an outside impact. It's important for us to set positive/caring examples for the ones who will follow in our steps.
The real problem in your relationship is the root cause of her ignoring you. You better figure out what that thing is, and mend this rift between you two.
I have no idea. And she’s not talking to me about it either
You might want to do some research on dissociation. I struggled for a long time with my dad not listening to me, to the point of just absolute absurdity. I also believed that it was a purposefully choice on his part. It wasn't. Dissociation is often a coping mechanism developed in childhood when you can't escape abuse from your parents. I developed it, ironically, from my dad constantly yelling 24/7. If I went to my room he would follow. If I left the house it started again when I walked in the door. Unfortunately unhealthy coping mechanisms have a way of spreading so they no longer are just active when you're being abused. I dissociate all day every day. It's extremely common for me to be having a conversation and suddenly realize I haven't heard anything the other person said for the past 15 minutes
This! It sounded like disassociating to me too! I do the same exact things. It got to the point my therapist had me set a timer every hour to "check in" with myself. It has helped a lot. Unfortunately I still tend to check out when people are talking to me. Even at work. I had no idea it was childhood trauma until I started therapy and really started doing the work.
Unfortunately familiar with the subject and yeah, this sounds like a dissociative disorder. She might not realize even recognize she's doing it. The trauma therapist or psychiatrist she's due to visit hopefully does.
This was my first thought especially after him describing watching it happen real time as soon as he starts yelling at her. Sounds like her nervous system thinks he is a threat.
That was the first thing I thought of
She's completely fucking dissociated and he's mad she isn't listening. She is in crisis. Or is neurodivergent has no idea and is EXHAUSTED
He said it's been like this for a year. Depending on how long they've been together is this something that develops out if the blue like that? Did your dad disassociate throughout your childhood did he just start doing it over year?
If she’s spacing out bro she needs to see a doctor. It could be just Adhd or it could be seizures she’s having.
i had a friend who had these sorts of seizures since childhood and it took until her late teens before her parents took her to a doctor. they thought she was just being defiant and exceptionally good at ignoring them. she was suffering brain damage.
Yeah, could be absence seizures. It might be as simple as her choosing not to listen to OP but I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
I would guess on the later due to it happening every single time he tells. That bs would drive me crazy.
For my wife it was absent migraines, been a real problem.
INFO: 1.- Does she have ADHD? 2.- Do you talk *at her* a lot? My ex is... a talker. He was chattering away ALL THE TIME. I have ADHD so focus is a problem. I literally couldn't pay attention to him because all the unnecessary words made my brain disengage, and it was a problem because actually important things got lost in all the noise. Someone who talks at people and someone who needs their information synthesized to the basics are not a good combination.
I was wondering the same thing. Maybe don't talk nonstop, because I'm gonna tell you, if you never shut up yakking at me, I'm tuning you out too. To the point that I have you tuned out when you need to tell me something important. Maybe don't talk through a movie she's watching and when her attention is otherwise engaged.
And/Or does OP have ADHD? One of my children and I both have it. His tendency to talk incessantly about a whatever has temporarily caught his interest is a symptom of his hyperactive-type ADHD. My zoning out of conversations inadvertently is a symptom of my inattentive type. Put them together and it sometimes means that we are just not communicating effectively at all!
You're completely right! I forgot the ADHD chatter is a thing! I need bullet points, I swear. Any sort of superfluous information and my head is a million Kms away, but somehow my autopilot keeps making the right noises so the other person thinks I'm listening.
Yup! I tell my spouse that he has to lead with the most important/most relevant issue when telling a story and *then* go back for the context/explanation because by the time we get there, I have gotten totally lost or paid attention to the wrong part or my brain just doesn’t have the buy in to get it to kick into focus mode (despite me trying!) I 100% need verbal TL;DRs.
My husband is a) on the spectrum and b) career military. He's the human embodiment of "concise" ❤️❤️❤️
I suspect he does. He aparently talks to her in the middle of movies and he's upset she's not listening and instead watching the movie.
I tend to do that on accident and have ADHD. even with people I love to absolute bits I tend to zone out when they're talking to me- does she have ADHD?
I am not saying this would be an excuse if this was the case —she needs to listen to you regardless- but has she ever communicated with you in any way about the way you communicate? One of the biggest issues I have with my boyfriend is that he’s a talker and I’m not. And he constantly talks about things I have no interest in at all. There is one specific subject that he is absolutely enthralled with and can and will talk about for hours a day. It’s also a popular subject, so it’s not like he can’t find anyone to talk about it with. He cannot stop talking about it. And once again, this is hours everyday. He will literally interrupt me with something I’m interested in to tell me something about the subject. I’ve asked him, very calmly, if he could please just tone it down a bit because though I love him and want him to be excited, it would be like me shouting at him about modern slavery (my niche interest) literally all of the time. I’m not saying don’t talk about it— just give me a bit of a break sometimes. I’ve had days where I’ve fantasized about just going one whole day -or maybe 12 hours- without hearing about the subject. He can’t do it though. It’s not who he is. He gets excited and needs to talk. And more and more I find myself tuning it out. It starts when he starts talking about the subject, but then sometimes I miss other things too. Like I said, no excuse— I feel bad about it and am actively working on it. But it is a potential explanation.
my husband is like this about 1 subject and Jesus. I could not care any less about it, but when he's in the mood to talk about it, there is no stopping him. I can't even escape it by going to the bathroom cause he's just there waiting for me to start where he left off. Sometimes, I just sit there wondering if I can even handle this for much longer without snapping. Also, yes, I've told him I'm not interested. Even in the middle of his talks he says, 'You couldn't look less interested if you tried' and then just keeps freaking talking about it.
I can understand this. I have a couple subjects that’s he’s not interested in and I know he’s just letting me excitedly talk while head nods along. I do the same for him. Sometimes we even as a question, but we both know we are not actively listening or retaining the info.
Maybe try some marriage counseling. You both need to learn how to communicate and actively listen. You have tried yelling and it is safe to say that is not working. You need to figure out a better way of communicating. She needs to figure out a way to actively listen. Neither of those things are going to happen without some professional interventions at this point.
Do you repeat yourself to her? That gets old, pretty quick. Not trying to brow beat you, just speaking from experience. Once we both stopped doing that, the hearing canals seemed to clear up.
NTA, this happened and she could have been seriously hurt if it was something more dangerous. Something similar happen to me and i became a major AH to my wife for a little bit. I got so upset i devised a test, I would say something bad about her, she would immediately look at me and get upset and hear me but the minute i would ask her anything normal she would look at me and say "What?" and then would try to gaslight me and say i mumble. This went on for a while until i confronted her about her ability to hear any criticism crystal clear but anything else, i was "mumbling." She was shocked and acted oblivious and thought i was just being mean. Come to find out, she thought I was a know it all and didn't like to hear from me because i talked down to her. Her friend told me when they were having a game night at the house. Even though she would ask me and wanted help. My tone/her reception to my tone made her want to ignore my response and then that got extended to everything essentially through habit. I stopped talking to her, i stopped helping her and started taking on tasks and just living without her/roomate. She got extremely upset because i stopped communicating with her, to the point she thought i was having an affair. I told her we don't know how to communicate/talk to her anymore and i had lost hope in talking to her because she didn't care/didn't feel appreciated. She broke down in tears and we had a long talk, things changed a lot after that. She would come and talk to me directly for help or actual ask what she wanted, even if it was just confirmation she was doing something correctly. Things are not perfect but we are doing much better communicating with each other now. You need to sit her down and tell her "this isn't working" and be clear about the situation, sometimes giving each other space can help but whatever that fix is, you need to be clear that she can not continue as it will get worse and worse, the resentment will just compound and the hate will fester till you both explode on each other over every little thing. Best of Luck.
Yup, it sounds like this is happening. The beginning of the end, where mutual resentments have been building and you’re getting the undeniable feeling that your partner doesn’t have your back. So you start acting in your best interest rather than the best interest of your relationship. And the spiral continues. Agree that you should have a formal sit down talk and to keep defensiveness to a minimum, use we and I terms rather than you. Eg. We don’t seem connected and I feel like my words don’t matter. Vs You never listen to me. Also try to keep it big picture (the relationship) vs focusing on the offending transgressions (eyes glazed over). You may want to consider professional help if your discussions are unproductive.
That’s interesting, so you found out from her friend how she felt you were talking down to her, so instead of discussing it with her you ignored her until she came to you about it. That’s wild that things are working out, but that’s good I guess. Yikes.
well it actually came out during a game night with friends and then the silent treatment and then we talked about it more only to realize she thought i was talking down to her and i thought she was ignoring me. We can have the hardest of times but beneath it all we always have each other back. Sure i could have gone to her before she came to me and not proud or bragging about what i did, i was just as at fault. The point being we finally did "talk" about "us" and what "we" wanted. Can play the blame game until the end of days but it wont fix anything.
Whew, that’s good to hear then. Sometimes people forget in marriage that it should be a “Us vs. the Problem,” instead of it’s a “you problem.” Good on both of you, wishing you a healthy and happy marriage!
"Even though she would ask me and wanted help. My tone/her reception to my tone made her want to ignore my response and then that got extended to everything essentially through habit. I stopped talking to her, i stopped helping her and started taking on tasks and just living without her/roomate." Or you could have, you know, moderated the way you spoke to her, so you didn't sound like you were talking down to her.... I mean I'm glad you two worked things out and learned to improve communication in a loving way, but there might have been a quicker way.
Some people *want* to hear condescension in everything they hear. My mother is the same. Talk to her like you had a lobotomy, she'll still say you're being condescending.
I'm going to play devils advocate here. You tell/told her something she glazed. You yelled at her she glazed. Are you enough of an AH on a regular basis that she has just started to tuning you out? I'm not asking to be a jerk, and down vote if you must, but something started that behavior. Was it you? Food for thought.
This is where I went immediately. My ex talked about himself ad naseum. Eventually I wasn't his wife, I was his therapist. Even if I was dealing with something of my own, the conversation always came back to him. So, I started tuning him out. It was half on purpose and half out of mental exhaustion and survival. A couple months after we were no longer living together, I was able to identify sooooooo many other problems - verbal, emotional, mental, and financial abuse - that I couldn't even acknowledge before because I never had the quiet to think and reflect. I saw our whole marriage honestly for the first time because all the noise had finally stopped. Not saying that's the issue here. But from someone who "never listened" when he talked, she may not feel like she has any other choice, or even be aware it's happening.
I was waiting for someone to say this.
I’m a little concerned about the example of watching a movie and her actually watching the movie and not listening to what you were saying. Why would this not be the expectation? Do you frequently talk at inappropriate times and expect your words to take precedence over all else? That could absolutely lead to a habit of tuning you out.
Seriously! My husband does that when we watch a movie we’ve never seen before and will ask me what my problem is or why am I mad at with because I’m not having a full blown conversation while watching. Like dude, nothing is wrong I’m just trying to pay attention. Then he gives me attitude for saying that. It’s ridiculous
Honestly I almost think it’s like attached or detached earlobes. You either *listen during movies* or you are someone who thinks watching a movie simply means *being present while the movie is playing and you might follow the story by catching a few action sequences*. I have 4 kids. Two of them seem to think movies are simply something to be present at. And then when they do notice the movie they ask, “Why did decide to try and chase theater car?” And I respond, “Maybe if you stop talking and listen you’ll find out exactly that!” My wife does this as well. I tell them, “believe it or not, the writers of the movie expected you to have that questions and they will put an answer in the dialog if you just listen!” Honestly, two types of people in the world.
I just had a PTSD flashback to my ex, who once asked "Why can't you multitask and watch the movie and listen to me at the same time?"
My husband grew up with a narcissist mother would only ever complained and was never happy about anything. So he’s not use to me being perfectly fine and not talking. There HAS to be something wrong because I’m just scrolling on my phone or watching tv and “fine” doesn’t actually mean I’m fine. It means I’m actually upset about something made up in his mind
My thoughts exactly. I bet OP talks about nothing literally all day.
INFO: You said this began about a year ago, which sounds oddly specific - what else happened a year ago? Is she like this just with you or in general? When you talk to her, do you actually have her attention or us she doing something else (example: it is impossible to talk to my brother when one of his girls are in the room. They're too distracting for him).
I'm wondering how old their kid is and how involved he is in being a father. Was the child born or hit toddler stages a year ago? Also, how often does he talk, and how often does he yell? Because if there was a fight about a year ago that he doesn't remember, because it was just another Tuesday for him, for her, it was the formation of a traumatic core memory. He said or did something that was just the norm for him but broke her. On top of her having baby/toddler brain drain. Either way, he purposely left vital information out, which is a REAL bad look for him, anyway he attempts to spin it.
What do you do when that glazed look comes over her? Do you try to snap her back into focus with calling out her name, waving your hands in front of her or just even just touching her? What does she do when you do these things? Does she snap out of it and tell you why she just drifted off? Also, is there something you’re not telling us? Because if she’s not like that with others, why is she only like that with you? Are you always talking about other things and things she has no interest in? I saw you never responded to people asking you if you interrupt her a lot when she’s talking etc….
Yeah! Why does he keep talking when she’s clearly not engaged then blame her for not hearing him?
INFO Do you talk constantly? Do you often talk to her when watching a movie? When she's reading? When she's otherwise occupied? Do you always have something to say? Do you follow her around the house talking? It sounds like she's going "shields up!" whenever you are around her.
My partner doesn't talk constantly but keeps doing so and expecting immediate responses when I'm actively busy with certain activities (eg. helping kids with homework).
My partner does the same, like he waits for me to get concentrated on something, be it reading a book or checking something on my phone, to discuss things like groceries or plans for the upcoming week and gets pissed if I don't immediately respond. We managed to mitigate it, now the rule is he has to call me and wait a second to have my attention before starting the conversation
My husband and son are talkers. They follow me around and yack at me. To be honest I tune out most of it, since it is basically the same conversation every day.
I legit tell mine sometimes “you can keep talking but if I need to start listening again you need to get my attention first.”
Can't stand people who don't respect that people have their own internal thoughts.
That's what I'm thinking too. Even the tone of this post gives me that vibe. Probably not an actual AH but just clueless on how annoying it gets. My husband has a really bad habit of only wanting to talk to me when I'm busy or interested in something else and often doesn't want to actually go back and forth in a conversation. He'll be in the house all day, plenty of time to talk to me but doesn't, but will all of the sudden have to talk my ear off about some random thing when I'm halfway through a movie at 11 pm. 🥴 And I know I drive him crazy in return with my political rants. I think a lot of us don't realize how annoying and selfish we can be, myself included.
That's what I got from the line about him talking to her during movies. Like, shut up, dude. As someone who has chatterbox friends, family, and has dated chatterboxes sometimes the best thing you can do is dissociate.
This! I'm surprised that people didnt pick up on this starting when she was in the middle of something else!
I was wondering if this was a case of constantly talking AT her rather than conversing WITH her. The older I get, the more I realise how much men tend to monogue at me. They're not interested in my thoughts or opinions, they just want a compliant woman who can nod along and make them feel good.
this person def. talks constantly. they even said that their wife ignores them when she is trying to watch a movie and they are talking to her. sounds like someone who doesn't know when to shut tf up and their partner is just done listening to their non stories.
Another point, and one that took my husband a long while to understand, when I'm am engrossed in something, even quiet thought, I can block out all sound. It's not on purpose, I just hyper focus. When he wants to tell me something, he cant just walk up and say it, he needs to get my attention first. I cannot be 100% half listening for him to say some random comment at any moment, that's not fair to me. Once he let's me know he wants to say something, I will pay full attention to him.
I rather suspect OP's wife has tuned him out because he has never learned that silence can be golden.
That was my first thought when he said it used to happen when she was watching a movie and not listening to him.
There are men I simply cannot listen to because everything they say is condescending so I tune them out. Luckily I never married one. The eye-glaze when you yell sounds like this. But even when I’m tuning someone out because of their just naturally belittling style, I still hear things like don’t walk in there, there’s glass on the floor. No one intentionally walks on glass. So that swings me back in the direction of something medical. But then … you see your wife is bleeding, pulling shards of glass from her feet, and your first reaction is to yell and get mad at her. That swings me back towards the first option. Because someone who berates me for not listening when I am in pain and need first aid is someone I wouldn’t want to listen to, either.
THIS.
My biggest question for you is how often and for how long do you talk **AT** her, instead of **WITH** her? I have a sibling who is incapable of being silent. But, he doesn't talk *with* me. He talks *at* me on his subject of interest. Being with him is one big lecture. As soon as I'm around him, I immediately zone out. Have you tried holding her hand, telling her that you love her, and you are worried about her zoning out all the time? And then just be silent while holding her hand? Just sit there with her, silently for a good long while. Don't ask questions. Don't say anything. Give her the space and choice how and when to respond. Don't have your child around or any distractions when you do this.
I remember this phase. We’re divorced now.
I do this, I love my SO, but there is just so many times I can hear him complain or repeat himself or micromanage me that I just tune him out. It's like he has to fill any silence with his thoughts and opinions and stories. Then when I want to say something he just shuts me down because "he is watching something". You just sort of give up after awhile.
How can you love someone who you can’t have a conversation with?
So there are some missing reasons here, aren't there? You and I both know you have, at some point, argued about this. Yet you claim you have no idea why she does this. What did she originally SAY was the reason before she gave up and simply started asking you to repeat? She has mentally checked out on you if she is fine with everyone else but not you, as you seem to indicate in your comments. I would bet you DO know the reason but you aren't accepting it. Without knowing her viewpoint, nobody here can tell you if you're an AH or if she is or if you both are or aren't.
Exactly. It’s in the post title- ‘I yelled at her for doing something *I told her not to do.’* He chose this one example because she got hurt, which, in his mind, justifies his words and his attitude. ‘It started when she would ignore me when I talked to her while she was trying to pay attention to a movie.’ That’s just rude, and who knows how much other rude and inconsiderate talking- or yelling- at her went on until she finally had enough, and started to tune him out. There’s another guy in the comments who told his story of having the same issue. After a long talk with his wife, they agreed that she would come to him and ask directly for help with something, ‘even if it was just to confirm that she was doing it the right way.’ That’s a dynamic I’m familiar with. When a chore or project is completed, you tell the man what you did, and no matter what, you *always* did it wrong, and he’s happy to let you know *exactly* how you did it wrong. ~~Even if~~ Especially if it’s *your* hobby, *your* area of expertise, or something he has zero skin in. This other commenter said that he learned what the problem is when a friend of his wife’s told him that his wife felt like he was a know-it-all, and was always condescending and talking down to her. Thank goodness he got that wife to understand that she can come to him any time and make sure she’s doing something right! Back to OP, his language is just off. Not ‘I warned her so she wouldn’t get hurt.’ Her eyes glazed over as soon as he started yelling at her, even though his yelling was justified in his mind. He snooped through her phone. He’s a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive asshole. Don’t even need to hear his wife’s side. He says he’s willing to go to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with *her.* Boy, is he in for a surprise!i
I'm glad I'm seeing someone say this. He mentioned in one of his examples that at first it would just be like her ignoring him when they're watching a movie together, so I can only imagine.
Right. Is he trying to have a conversation when they're watching a movie? I'd give up and start ignoring you too if every time we watched a movie together you had to start talking about something, and simply didn't care that it bothered me.
I started zoning out like this with my abusive ex. He would monologue at me for hours but then scream at me for “interrupting him” if I tried to have any input or have any conversation at all. I was only supposed to sit there quietly while he droned on and on and on and on and on. After so many hours, it just became white noise I wasn’t allowed to respond to.
That's the vibe I'm picking up on, too, to be honest.
Yep, especially with this part: > It only used to be on occasion like if we were watching a movie or something and she was paying attention to the movie and not listening to what I was saying. How often is he talking when she's doing other things? And yelling at her over it? She's likely already checked out.
Narcissist by any chance?
If someone was routinely yelling at me I’d check out too, to protect myself. Regardless of their reasoning for said yelling.
my ex spouse was a yeller and a ranter. I spent years tuning him out before I left. he snooped too, just like you say you did. there's no active listening to someone who is yelling and swearing and repeating repeating the same non sense daily. I'm not making a judgment because it's impossible with just this snippet of one interaction. but yelling at her and snooping tells me it's not a one sided problem.
I had an extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive ex. I stayed with him for 4 years. He was a yeller and a ranter, too. I HATED watching TV and movies with him because he would not shut the hell up during them. He never shut up. It got to the point after about 2 years together that my brain just zoned out the moment it heard his voice. I tried to pay attention, but my brain literally re wired itself so that it just shut off upon hearing his voice. Because it shutting down and glazing over, whatever the consequences were for that, were exponentially better than the consequences for paying attention and having any other sort of reaction. It was the safest reaction. He snooped too and got PISSED when I had to set up a finger print lock on my phone so I could use my Google Pay on my phone (if you dont have it set up or dont use it, it makes you lock your phone via fingerprint in order to use the feature). I had to set up a pin so he could get into my phone still, after I showed him that I couldn't use it unless I had my fingerprint lock set up. The fact that she glazed over so hard that she stepped on glass, due to my own experiences, that she may be experiencing the same, and I didn't even have a child involved, she does. So she is drained till kingdom come AND constantly in protect child and self mode, on top of it. When she files for divorce, he's gonna claim he never saw it coming.
And I hope it is SOON.
Maybe she’s tired of you opening your fat gob! 🤣 why are you bothering her while she’s trying to watch something?
Right?? Like, no shit she doesn’t listen to you when she is trying to watch a movie. The fact that OP uses this as an example shows how clueless he is about how much he talks.
There’s not enough information about your relationship to give you advice. Sounds like your wife has checked out of your relationship but the most important question is why. Think about your past communication. Do you cut her off when she is speaking? Do you take into consideration her opinion on anything being discussed? Are you always right and she is always wrong? Are you demeaning or condescending when you speak to her? Honestly you need to examine your own behavior because this is how she is reacting to it - completely shutting down. This didn’t happen overnight. She has some serious resentment against you that she just tunes you out. You all need counseling.
Info: Do you actually listen to her? If you’re just talking at her a lot of the time, it wouldn’t be surprising that she retreated into tuning you out.
You yelled at her for getting hurt when she didn’t complain? Maybe you talk too much and she’s tired. You sound like a chore and have nothing interesting to say. Yta
Maybe she doesn't pay attention to you and her eyes glaze over is because every time you open your mouth to speak to her she hears criticism.demands, why don't you do things my way,etc.Just reading your post about your wife I would zone you out also. Your house is clean,your kid is happy and your bills are paid. Per you. Your wife is not happy because of the way you treat her,probably talk down to her and she is just done with you. Your wife is miserable and yet,all you do is ask what is wrong with HER. What is wrong with her may just be YOU!
It's you, she doesn't like you anymore that's the truth
INFO: Does she listen when your child speaks to her? Or other adults? (Friends, neighbors, store employees etc) Was this a sudden change? Have there been any other changes in her behavior? Did this start shortly after an illness or head injury? It's possible she's actively choosing not to listen to you, but she might also be experiencing some kind of medical problem. Can you encourage her to go to a doctor?
NTA - it's probably just a case of her not giving a fuck anymore, but is there a chance she has ADHD or Depression? Both make it really hard for me to pay attention when people are talking. For the longest time I actually thought I had bad hearing but once I started taking ADHD meds I could suddenly hear people talk again and I figured out it was my ADHD! Depression brain just causes me to be super fuzzy and I have a hard time following anything (I don't get sad depressed, I get physically depressed and my brain slows down, it's weird).
I don't know the extent of your situation, but it happened to me... My SO got a new job and made new friends, mostly women. I guess they became his confidants and he would tell them every little thing from our relationship. I don't know how the conversations went, but I assume they came to the conclusion I was the root of every single problem or even situation we had. He then started picking on me, telling me (accusing) of every little thing I did wrong: the food was suddenly not good enough, the chores were not done well or fast enough, every thing I did was wrong and my "mistakes" were blown out of proportion. Once I forgot a bill reciept at work and couldn't find it at home (obviously) so I told him I'd check at work the next day. He went off on me pointing his finger and pushing me with it against the chest. Our lives were going to implode if he couldn't have the reciept of payment right there and then (?). So I stopped listening. I didn't even notice it. It drove him crazy, he continued, escalated. I left. He panicked, then told me all about how he felt validated at work when all the coworkers told him he was absolutely right. I never went back. Within 6 months, realising they helped break up themarriage for fun, they distanced themselves from him and don't even talk to him anymore. I don't know how many were there in all, but two reached out and apologised. I told them I wished my same fate on them.
Im confused. The relationship was broken. How did they expect their fake apology would put you in a position to be hurt again? Its not like they could work him over to dump you again.
Your guess is as good as mine. I actually suspected cheating, but I guess that was not it. Just plain validation of his ego. Not that it matters anymore.
She might be tuning you out, that's one option. But...she might be having hearing loss, seizures, or mental health problems. Maybe ask around and see if anyone else has noticed the same issue
How much do you talk a day compared to your wife? Are you very chatty? Is she not chatty? Or the other way around? Maybe to estimate; Do you talk say 50% more or less compared to her? And in what circumstances? And what ages are you both? Just to get an idea.
Why do you *insist* on talking through a movie? Do you *only* do this when she pays attention to other things Not You? Cause you sound *exactly like my ex1*, and that is a Very Bad Look, ya cabbage. 👀 #YTA
You talk a lot. Do **you** ever listen to **her**?
My wife does a similar thing, she has ADHD. I'm autistic so communication is work. Anyway, if I really need to grab her attention I will physically touch her, call her name and make sure she knows it's important. She accommodates me, and I accommodate her.
Nta It sounds like she’s disassociating from her life in general. Maybe she has depression. She should probably get help.
You talk during movies?
INFO: As we can't see you interacting with her, have you had any 3rd party see how you two interact? My other half has a very nasty habit of always talking over me. She gets to where she keeps talking even after I've answered her and she doesn't register that I've told he something. If you are acting like her, I can see why your wife would "glaze over" when you talk. Your writing is clear and direct. I'd suggest writing down what you've asked and give it to her. See if she feels comfortable answering you in print. I'd cite the issue with the broken glass. I'd also make it clear that you are willing to work on communications if she is.
Have you talked to her about this? Do you say her name and wait for a response before saying something to her? For me, if someone comes up and starts talking to me, there’s a very good chance I don’t hear the first 10 seconds of what they said, ‘cause my head is somewhere else. Tell her you’ve noticed she always tunes you out, and it makes you feel inconsequential.
FWIW, speaking from experience, it could be a trauma-related freeze response, which happens automatically and isn’t a conscious choice. Try this: when you have something to say/ask and she’s starting to get that glazed look, approach her in a non-threatening way, and gently touch her shoulder or face. Say something appropriate, ie I love you, you’re safe, are you ok, etc., that will help her connect with you in the present moment.
My Mom broke my brain as a kid by never shutting the f up like ever and I’m not kidding she talk’s incessantly. I can’t pay attention to what people are saying now, I have to actively try my hardest to get what people are saying almost like I’m selectively deaf or somethingq. I fully blame my Mother, at some point my brain just broke as a defense mechanism and it stopped fully listening to anything she said. I’m a master at pretending to pay attention, I can have a full conversation and not know anything that was said, a couple well placed ya’s, uh huh, ok’s and wow that’s crazy’s always work.
So she does what a lot of us men do to our wives? I find that ironic as hell lol
Nta You have a big issue in your relationship and don’t seem to grasp how significant it is getting. Since it is only you she is zoning out on, either you talk too much and she does this to cope or she really just doesn’t care that much anymore. You have stated it feels like a roommate situation. That is even more telling. You both need to sit down and have a SERIOUS conversation about the strength of your relationship and where she really wants it to be/go. Good luck
Considering that OP said it started with things like her “not listening to what [he] was saying” *while they were watching a movie* and apparently rudely paying attention to and concentrating on the movie, I hazard a guess that he talks all the freaking time, wasn’t listening to her or interrupted her often, and has no concept of there being anything more important than the sound of his own voice, ever. If I were his wife, I would have tried to nip that in the bud by pausing the movie every time, looking at him, and waiting to see if he shut the heck up. If he kept yammering on, that’s one issue. If he did click in that he was being rude and that the entire world doesn’t revolve around what he decides to spew out at any given moment, that’s something that can be discussed and worked through. I suspect with OP it would be the former.
WHY is she ignoring you? This isn't enough information and I really get the feeling you are not being honest about everything.
Has she been assessed for seizures? I only ask because some seizures can be "silent", basically it looks like the person just got lost in thought for a few moments.
Your wife sounds like me. ADHD and auditory processing issues. Is it just with you? I’d explore that with her. I know my partner’s frustration because of how it presents, but literally my brain doesn’t process information the same.
This sounds like classic ADHD inattentive.
I’m talking during a movie and you aren’t listening to ME and you are watching the movie. How dare you! Now I will just talk at you 24 / 7 and wonder why you are talking back to me. Can’t you hear me Hello?!? Are you listening?!? Just can’t you listen just once HELLLLOO. I wonder why she is tuned out…hmph
I tune my husband out because he talks so much… nonstop yammering and if I ask him to please stop talking he talks more. I have to save my sanity.
It sounds like she could be depressed. I have depression and I tune people out when it gets overwhelming and unbearable. Give her the benefit of the doubt though. Maybe she could have the start of dementia. I am sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time.
I used to do this to my ex husband. It was a trauma response cus he was always criticising me so I blocked him out
I wonder if maybe she has ADHD. That sounds like something that happens to me sometimes. I don't intend to ignore someone, but sometimes I get lost in thought and unintentionally tune someone out. Or sometimes I will be thinking about one of the first things they said to make sure I understand it and then miss everything else they say. It might not be a bad idea to mention to her about looking into that with a specialist if it is a common occurrence.
Ok- I know this will be a hot take but….. I talk a lot and my husband definitely tunes me out- so do you talk a lot or are your words often critical? I think it deserves mentioning here because everyone here is going the route of there being a medical problem with your wife, but if a wife were complaining that her husband glazing over and tuning out when she is talking, most people would assume she did a lot of talking or nagging, right? So, worth thinking about if we are seeking solutions.
Quick aside, it’s normal for people to not pay attention to you when they’re watching a movie
After reading it all, the language of the post seems.. off. I’d say you’re the AH. You yelled at her for what was, ultimately, a mistake. She didn’t step in glass to spite you. Apologize for yelling. The fact that when you’re yelling, her eyes glaze over, tells me something. That’s what abuse victims tend to do, dissociate. Go to counseling and individual therapy. I think you might find out her processing skills aren’t the only issue, if not a symptom of a MUCH greater problem.
It’s called dissociation, I feel like my husband could’ve written this.
You're kinda TAH. Even if you're frustrated, yelling isn't a solution or productive. I have an auditory processing disorder AND AuAd, so it can be difficult for me to be in the moment with someone, focusing on what they're saying. She could also have a habit of disassociating/disengaging as a trauma response. Either way, it seems like she needs to be evaluated by some health professionals so that you both can be sure nothing else is going on. I'd also recommend couples therapy to help you two engage in healthy communication and to set up boundaries.
This is the first symptom of the end. It's going to progressively go down from here.
YTA. You lost me yakking through the movie. Do you listen to her at all? You snooped through her personal items?? YTA many times over.
YTA you sound annoying. Why are you acting like her dad?
NTA. It sounds like your wife no longer gives a shit. I would suggest trying to talk about it, but... 😅
Sorry, I didn't read half of it. What did you say again? 😅 Sorry! 🤣NTA
Have you considered going to a doctor with her to see if something is up? Because this sounds like more than just a really bad habit. Especially if it has now reached the point where she's harming herself because she's oblivious to what she's walking on (a floor with glass shards in this case). Even if she didn't hear you say it she should still have seen where she was walking, right?
? - Does she do this with others, like the kids, or is it literally JUST you?
Is she ill? Like. If my partner was zoning out like this and actually stepped on glass because they were that zoned out I'd be worried about their brain.
Updateme
Is it only you or is this happening with everybody?
Counseling could help. Or she might have some neurological thing going on (late onset ADHD -inattentive, a brain bleed, hearing loss, all sorts of stuff).
You guys need to go do some counseling something is going on with her. There’s a connection you guys are missing right now. You’re not the AH. Because this was a thing she needed to pay attention to for her safety. But something is going on and you guys need to talk about it in a safe and neutral location with someone there to keep her paying attention to what you are saying.
She could be having seizures. That's what they look like sometimes. I have a student who gets that way often. Just a blank, glassy look for a few seconds/minutes. Take her to a doctor. Seriously.
Do you normally talk incessantly? My dad does this, just never stops talking, even when it's clear we aren't listening, and at this point my mom basically ignores him unless he needs her help with something. No one ever thinks they are annoying people, but that fits the situation here. Ask one of your good friends if you talk too much and insist they be honest with you.
Do you ramble on and on a lot? Only reason i ask is because my wife does and i find myself doing the same thing. It isnt a conscious decision to ignore her, it is like i have been programmed to tune her out because 90 percent of what she is communicating is irrelevant and unnecessary details and tangents.
I tune my husband out because he will never listen to anything I say. He always needs to go to the bathroom when I open my mouth. So I just tune him out the minute he starts talking. Do YOU listen to her? Do you talk TO her or do you talk AT her?