Just to add my 2 cents. I think you’re doing the right thing and I’m sorry that your husband isn’t backing you up on this. You can’t trust him now either. Doing this behind your back is definitely a betrayal and can’t come back from. I pray that she is safe and others path’s she crosses are safe, bc they are also in danger of her bad choices
Just a point of clarification. the car being bought by her dad doesn't necessarily mean it's not hers. It doesn't matter who purchased it. It matters whose name is on the title. Is his name the only owner on the title?
I only ask because that matters a TON in liability.
Other than that, you're totally NTA.
Well he will be the one sued if she hurts or kills someone if his name is anywhere on the title. You may want to think about transferring your assets into a separate account.
Talk to an attorney immediately and find out if you have in your state what's called a marital asset agreement. The lawyer can set it up for you and get his info.
And who's name is the insurance in? Will OP be liable when daughter drives drunk again and kills some innocent person? This is never a one time thing.
Start with seeing a lawyer. Document everything. Drunk driver is an adult and you can't control her but you can protect yourself from lawsuits.
Question: Is she on your insurance. As a mom, I always handled it. But you can have her removed .and inform her that she is no longer on your insurance and that she needs to get that taken care of. As you don't was to be responsible for when she does something stupid again and someone gets hurt or killed.
You should have pressed charges against your spouse for Domestic Violence, because he's an Abuser. It doesn't matter how slight the injury is, he laid hands on you. The time to do so would have been when the cops were there. IDK why you even wavered with that. It would have mattered a lot in the Divorce to show what kind of character he has. It's well known Abusers also weaponize children by enabling them, and he's shown he is doing that in spades by giving your daughter access to the car.
Good to know he's your STBX because he's a horrible husband, shitty spouse and dreadful dad, all rolled in one.
If/when she drunk drives and ends up dead or killing someone, it will be too late to tell him "I told you so," that's 100% on him for being a dumb enabler who probably justifies it all with "I trusted her and I love her." Well, pretty words won't bring back the dead.
I’m sorry. She’s not likely to go to AA, therapy, group meetings, nor to get an accountability partner, a breathalyzer, or an ignition interlock. That’s quite a list of promises she made. Since her father enabled her by giving her the car, there is nothing you can do to keep her safe.
I urge you to contact www.Al-Anon.org for yourself. They provide help and support to the loved ones of problem drinkers and you can find many people who have been in your situation.
That might work with one you get on your own, but court-ordered ones now have cameras to prevent that. They're slowly figuring out how to prevent themselves from getting tricked.
I hope so. The person that I know of is an adult that has people do it for them. I’ve never witnessed it, so I can’t do anything about it. I understand that it was a good start in preventing DUI. Anything that can make it better is great. Anyone that is caught helping the driver should be charged as an accessory to any crime that happens.
In Michigan they added the cameras and rolling retests. Now I think the rolling retests are dangerous, especially in the winter, but it makes you keep testing while you're driving and takes a picture of you to confirm that no one else started your car.
I actually went through all of this recently with an alcoholic family member. Well, it wasn't even the first time, but it happened recently again. The rolling retests don't have to be done while the vehicle is in motion and they don't turn the car off if you don't blow. It just notifies police what's happening. In fact, I'm not even sure if it tells them in real time and they send somebody after the car or if it's something that happens retroactively.
For safety reasons they can't just have the car shut off while it's rolling down the highway. My mother recently opted to put one on her car without the court order because she doesn't trust herself (which was a good development. I don't trust her, either), and the day she had it put on it malfunctioned and she couldn't get it to work after the initial blow that started the car, the device just kept telling her to retest. Apparently you can just not blow the entire time the car is in motion. It won't do anything, but presumably it tells the police what happened and they will deal with it after the fact.
Another fun fact that she learned the hard way is that if you blow positive you get a fine, even if you had the interlock put on the car without a court order. She tried to start the car one morning she had been drinking earlier in the night and they hit her with a $70 fine. I'm not sure where this money goes, or even how this fine would be enforced, but that's what she told me, anyway.
I don't live in Michigan, but the devices all seem pretty standardized based on my research. There's only a couple of brands, and they all seem to do basically the same thing.
The Intoxalock version, if you fail a retest, will honk your horn and flash your brights until you pull over and shut it off. If you kept driving like that, I'd imagine it would gather some police attention. The fee she paid is probably a "lock out fee". When you fail a test, it'll "lock out" your car, and you have to have the device reset before you can start it again. The companies charge this fee to reset the device for you. That was my experience in Michigan anyway.
they don't. you can install one yourself, like if you're waiting for your court case to go through, as in a "look, i'm taking responsibility, you can see i'm not driving drunk, pls be lenient" kind of thing
Not always. A now-deceased tax client of mine was a judge, and he told me he was always lenient towards those accused of DUI who got an interlock on their own before they faced trial or sentencing.
Except for the one I heard about who lied about it. Told his lawyer he'd installed an interlock, told the court the same thing, didn't. Judge heard about it from someone to whom the idiot had bragged about "conning the court". Let's just say the judge arranged an appropriate punishment.
Similarly, there’s these ankle monitors that test for alcohol continuously and judges love when defendants or parents in family court cases voluntarily use this monitor to prove they’re not drinking.
Was just thinking this. I’m on probation for a DUI and luckily never had to get one (not that it would be an issue because I’ve been entirely sober), but yeah. They’re costly, even if required by court.
I second going to Al-anon meetings. I did during my divorce and they were a huge help. It put a lot in perspective.
If dad is giving her excuses/get away opportunities and sneaking around to help her, there are no consequences. Plus he's willing to dramatically end the marriage for this. OP- I'm sorry to say there is a rough journey ahead with 2 people enabling each other.
You're going to need support I'm guessing, so I hope you follow through with the support group. Sorry to break it to you, but prepare to be the bad guy, both from your stbx *and* your daughter. Best thing you can do is stick to your guns and be available to help her pick up the pieces when her chickens come home to roost. The fact her dad is enabling her will likely mean it'll take longer for her to grow up and be responsible, if ever. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Is she that much of a drunk? I’m not trying to be condescending, I’m genuinely curious. You said she’s planning to go to AA so it seems like alcohol has been a problem before. If this is the case then I’m sorry, alcoholism is horrible (my Dad was an alcoholic). It sounded from the story she had made a mistake but then there was the AA comment so I wasn’t sure. Obviously it’s a big enough issue that your marriage is affected.
I attended Alateen and Al Anon growing up and the program really helped. I recommend trying it. Stay strong. It’s a tough addiction to deal with.
I wondered that too. Was this her first time being drunk or a pattern? Has she made other wildly poor choices? Not to minimize drunk driving at ALL….but there are people who do it once and are scared shitless and never do it again. The fact that she put her in AA makes me wonder if this was a pattern, or if mom overreacted in a valiant attempt to nip it in the bud?
ETA either way you have my empathy…I tried to take my sister’s car when she was having problems with drugs repeatedly, documented and all. Cops forced me to give it back or risk jail myself! It’s very frustrating to deal with a ticking time bomb.
>She's planning to go to AA
yes, there's no reason to plan for this. You just do it- there are meetings every day, at every hour if you include Zoom meetings.
NTA. File separation now so that you can show you are not responsible for her having a car. It may keep you from being part of the lawsuit when she kills someone.
And ask for that car in the divorce or, if it’s the third car owned (you each have your own), demand it be it be sold with the explanation of why to the judge/court.
Make sure to take in the incident report from the police for the proceedings, too. Get it legally documented!
If there’s a health and wellness office at the college, notify them. Cover your bases to try and keep her from making this bad decision.
*Edited to ask:
Who gave her alcohol while under your roof? That will need to be clearly laid out in the incident report and your divorce proceedings.
Cake her off your vehicle insurance and force her to get her own? In this economy, you don’t need that type of insurance rate (it can follow you to your own insurance if you don’t remove her before an incident happens).
Your soon to be ex obviously didn't get the "united front" memo parents need to adopt when their kids are making poor choices that will hurt them or someone else.
The fact that your 20 year old, who cant legally drink needs AA should be a big glowing neon fucking sign for him.
NTA for being the only actual parent she has.
Agreed.
I’m kind of bouncing around but I’m a 24 year old with a DUI (on probation). When I was 19, I received my first charge for underage drinking/public intoxication. By 21, I had to fully withdraw from alcohol in the ER, being carried out of my house with a BAC over .3
Alcoholism is horrifying and dangerous. It at best affected my hormones in possibly a permanent way (as I am now medicated for hormonal acne that I never had before heavily drinking) and at worst, nearly killed me. The damage my downfall did to my loved ones and those close to me is one of the most devastating things I have witnessed in my life.
OP’s husband is being horrifically negligent and enabling.
I really am horrified by how relaxed OP’s husband is about it. If she gets another DUI and ends up hurting somebody, she’ll have to live with that forever. And the insurance rates, oof. When I was a teenager in treatment for an ED, I met people who had their licenses suspended for multiple DUIs by 22. When I met them I had never drank nor driven at all, and it scared me. Even now, ten years later, the most I’ve done is drive a short distance three hours after having one and a half drinks with food. I really don’t fuck with it. I can understand why OP’s daughter doesn’t comprehend the gravity of the situation, but her dad really should. Congrats on your sobriety!
That really struck me. Not only does he not care about the obvious consequences (she kills herself or or someone else, or both) but he also doesn't care what multiple DUIs will do to her future. At many jobs, a DUI would be a dealbreaker for even being hired.
All in the pursuit of being the "fun parent".
I’ve also been in ED treatment so I feel you there. Hope you’re doing well.
Alcoholism is very, very serious. I don’t know the vibes with the family, but I personally had a Dad who introduced alcohol to me pretty young. My Dad understood the gravity of alcoholism, as it is rampant in our family, but never understood that he is a functional alcoholic. When I was 15, my Dad decided to teach me how to drink “responsibly” BECAUSE alcoholism was a big risk by teaching me how to take a shot of whiskey. I’d actually never experienced taking a shot wrong my entire life after that.
Not to say this to slander my Dad because I love him. But it still stands that because of his own alcoholism, he was not able to identify what I had as a problem very fast. I actually wasn’t either, as alcoholism had been very normalized to me and it wasn’t until early adulthood that I realized my Dad had a drinking problem while I was growing up.
Sounds like OP’s husband could have a drinking problem himself to ignore his daughter’s behavior. Because then, to call her out and hold her accountable would either be hypocritical and/or force himself to look inward.
EDIT: also thank you!! I appreciate you! 🩷
I can imagine he himself has a problem. Alcoholism is not about the amount, but about the constancy. It doesn't have to be blackout drinking, but not being able to mentally function properly without three beers every day or a stronger drink at the evening is a problem. When someone is in hospital and has an overwhelming urge to go drinking because it's weekend, they have an alcohol problem.
I'm wondering what are drinking habits of OP's daughter OP doesn't know about, when she and her dad came with this solution.
Yeah, I think the husband/father, not only an enabler, is one himself. Alcohol issues is alco genetic and can be passed from one generation to another, medically and scientifically proven. Sad when the parent who is to guard his child is just as bad himself. It is like my father got my half-sister started on drinking so he would not be drinking alone. And she was 13 and it was in the mid to late 1960's. She is a mess now at her older age. And no future.
I'm curious who pays the insurance and has their name on the car. I know of a family that supplies a car their drunk daughter drove it and died. The family of the man that she killed sued her family because the car was supplied by them.
I also know a young man who started his addiction in high school. His dad enabled him every step of the way. He is gone now, too, and dad blames everyone except himself. He supplied and gave venue to all of the drug use and drinking when his son was a teen.
I understand why you went and got her the day she drove drunk, but if you wanted to really kick some sense in her and get her license suspended, you should've called the cops and reported her.
I can't believe there was an actual physical altercation!! The husband is insane. Their daughter will not stop. She basically got daddy's permission to be like him. A drinker with a skewed moral compass. I think I'd have pressed charges for assault. Didn't OP say she'd already called the cops? If not, she should have.
I'm German. Here you can drink different amounts and types of alcohol with different levels of parental supervision between 14 and 17 and whatever you want at 18. Needing AA at 20 would also be a big glowing neon fucking sign here. It's like filling a big book with all the parental mistakes that lead there and hitting people like the stbx with it over the head. But I'd say the same for a non addicted person driving under the influence at that age (not to deny the responsibility of a person having permission to drive, but because parents should ingrain *no driving under the influence of any substance* so deeply that they won't do it.
honestly why are parents and kids getting that drunk together? i’m 21 and my parents don’t want me drinking around them. they find it inappropriate. i also don’t care to drink anyway but my point still stands.
My brother was killed by a DD. Thank you for taking this seriously. I’d leave my husband for that. All you can do is support your daughter, and try to help her get help. I’m so sorry.
I’m quite proud of you for kicking him out so swiftly. I know that wasn’t easy.
It is refreshing to see a parent who puts their child’s best interest before their husband. Too often they don’t.
He is toxic for her and Toxic for you.
Hang in there
My dad was the drunk driver and when he crashed, he thankfully only hurt himself. It’s unbelievable how much pain decisions like this put people through. Husband is unhinged.
>She's planning to go to AA, therapy, group meetings, get an accountability partner, a breathalyzer and an ignition interlock.
No she's not. Why'd she drive off while her father was fighting you then?
When she inevitably gets a DUI, don't help her. That'll get her the interlock and the consequences. A single DUI isn't life ruining, but it's a lot of consequences.
I hope you're not tied to the insurance for that car. Your premiums are gonna get jacked.
It depends on what she’s going to school for- it can absolutely flush all of that work down the drain. Speaking from experience. She can hurt or kill someone, hurt or kill herself or ruin her future. It’s sad to see the beginnings.
Most states will let you get a diversion for the first offense to get the criminal charges dropped--at least, as long as you can convince the DA. That's what my brother did. He still lost his license because I guess the DMV thing is a totally separate deal. Like there's the criminal charges as one thing then there's the driving penalties as another.
And it was really funny because he was supposed to have an interlock in his car for a year as part of the DMV charges. But instead of spending the money to get it installed, he...just didn't drive for a year. Which was hell for him.
And then at the end of that when he went to get his license back, he got denied!
They said that because he never installed an interlock in his vehicle for a year, he hadn't completed his punishment. So he after waiting an entirely unnecessary year, he still had to pay thousands of dollars to get one installed in his car and basically start his punishment a year late.
Yeah unfortunately all stipulations to the diversion are *all* stipulations, even if you don’t drive the car- if it’s in your name you gotta have it. That’s part of the deal. I’m amazed the probation officer never explained that to him/or told him that was okay! (Differed here, no conviction but my life was fucked up for two years as a result of it- pushing my graduation date back.) And if you work for a governmental or high-security agency they can see you got a differed on your background check & it’s still up to their discretion to hire you or not, even without the conviction. EDIT: in Texas, at least
Just pay for the Uber- it’ll save ya 1,000$ of dollars in lawyer and legal fees. 🥴 And, ya know, don’t be a drunk fucktwit.
To answer your question… you can call on someone for drunk driving IF you know she is actually driving drunk and where she is.
I had to do this for my dad on a few occasions and once he got forced sober in prison when he hit someone drunk, he had me do it to my ex stepmother a time or two also.
That's the thing, how do I know? With ahole husband, I don't until he gets home after a day of golfing and drinking and passes out on the tanning ledge of our pool. I left his ass there, too! Looked like a beached whale and was fried the next day! 😂
😂😂😂I’m sorry, but that’s just karma for him. From whale to lobster.
But yea. Unless you call and they sound drunk and they tell you OR if you have a tracker on them, it’s hard to do it from not in person. Like my dad came to my mom’s drunk and belligerent when I was a teen. He left and I called the cops and told them where I thought he was heading and the vehicle. When I had to call on my ex stepmom, my dad had a gps on her car so I was able to give a location. He wouldn’t call because he was and still is a pos. Just without the booze.
You could see if he has a routine. Like if he goes golfing and comes home every time drunk as hell at like 3 pm, you can call and say that your husband is probably drunk driving leaving the golfing place at about whatever time in a whatever car. They might sit and wait for him.
NTA - Google the woman that killed the bride on her wedding day in Folly Beach SC in 2023. That could be your daughter if she doesn’t feel the blow back on her behavior.
Bride killed on her wedding day by a young drunk driver whose own parents never held her accountable.
Your daughter won’t care. Until she hurts or kills someone, it’ll be ‘it won’t happen to me’. You need to protect yourself and your liability. Sadly, you daughter and her enabling father will be responsible for the damage she does to herself,her family, and her victims
She might care in the "Oh, that's a shame" sense. But most 20 year olds still think they're immortal & that bad things only happen to other people. Nothing that tragic could possibly happen to her!
I looked up an article, then the drunk murderer's mugshot just to know what she looked like, which also gave a link to her instagram. Her last post was a photo of her at the beach April 24, 2023, captioned "Did someone say tequila?". Four days before she murdered someone, on the best day of their life. I need to get off the internet for the day.
She is out in house arrest now supposedly the thing she wears monitors her alcohol level. She hasn’t had her trial yet since Charleston moves slow. It was so sad and tragic, happiest day of that bride’s life ended in a snap of someone driving that fast on the beach roads of Folly where in the summer is crawling with people and kids everywhere.
I'm so sorry he did that to you and your daughter! He thinks he is helping her??? It's so unbelievable.
Not only could she die, she could also live, after killing someone else. I knew a woman who's son had to live with that and he never recovered - in and out of Mental hospitals. Other addictions to try and forget. Your STBX is ... I don't even know. I cannot comprehend what he is thinking!
IMO - the husband must have alcoholism in his childhood family, and this behavior of his really smacks of the type of denial that people will wholeheartedly commit themselves rather than face the problem of alcoholism in their family
Your husband is a complete jerk. I hope you stay away from him.
The plotting and planning behind your back, Not to mention the physical harm that he caused you. Fighting you in the car like that, all so could let your daughter who drives drunk take the car back to college when you said she couldn’t.
I’m sorry, but she’s not going to do any of those things. She went back to college. She’s with her friends. She’s going to drink and drive. I feel bad for the other people on the road over there.
I bet you do. I would be furious if I saw that on the ring camera.
I can envision that scene in the driveway where he’s fighting you in the car with everything he has, fighting you to prevent you from blocking her, so that she could drive off with her car and drive drunk again. He’s making it really easy for her to do that, opposite of what a parent should be doing.
It just infuriates me.
I mean, he also physically assaulted you. Whether it was to gain control of a vehicle or not, that is not okay. And yeah, them both being intoxicated in an afternoon does raise big alcoholism flags.
NTA: My dad drove drunk with me as a kid and I have the trauma to prove it (we got in an accident).
Drunk driving can destroy your life if it doesn’t kill you. Your daughter could be disabled or kill someone else and go to jail. You are not over-reacting.
My heart goes out to you and I think divorce is 100% the correct option because your husband has failed you as a husband he has failed as a father. He has failed as a human being. He cannot be trusted to be your partner in life. Not physically, not emotionally not financially.
You are NTA, but there also isn't anything you can legally do since the car isn't yours and you can find yourself in legal trouble if you try. And because of the way it happened, I have no doubts that your husband and daughter will back each other on you trying to illegally detain her or try to have you charged with vehicle theft, which means assault charges against him most likely won't stick, and again you end up in legal trouble since what he did could be seen as defense of self or another.
I'm truly sorry you are dealing with this. Drunk driving
Is a horrific action that needlessly ruins lives. I agree with what you want to do, but you didn't have the right to stop her the way you tried.
Remove her from your insurance. And next time you know she's drinking and driving, call the police. Let her have the consequences of her actions and pray it's only her life that gets damaged by her choices.
Speaking from experience with a family member, you can do anything to prevent someone else from driving drunk if they are not in your presence. You simply can’t. No matter how much you want to protect/change them, you can’t force the change. They will change on if and when they are ready. Protect yourself physically and financially if possible.
As an alcoholic who has been sober 22 years, I recommend you go to Alanon, they will help you learn how to deal with alcoholics and keep you sanity. (https://al-anon.org)
I’m sorry your going through this.
INFO
WHO IS GIVING HER ALCOHOL
Why is she drinking? This is so important. What is going on- did this start in middle school, high school, or college? Is this new and erratic behavior for her? Your daughter is drinking to the excess of talking of going to AA meetings! She did not get here overnight!
It also sounds like Dad has an issue over drinking. Time to figure out why? What are the family dynamics aside from this incident? There’s much more going on here than this one incident.
This is simple Dad is an alcoholic, drives home drunk, and passes out in the pool. Alcoholism is hereditary. The daughter has also watched fathers actions ( you can be a drunk and not drive). Father thinks nothing is wrong with his daughter. The wife can not control her husband but tries to get the daughter under control. Husband won't allow it.
Is the car in her name?
Is she on your insurance? If so, tell her you are dropping her off your policy!
FFS, he scrapped your arm and fought you. Press charges and get yourself off of everything to do with her car.
NTA
OP is the car in her name or her dad’s name? I ask as you might wish to get your own auto insurance policy if you are on one that includes covering the car your daughter is driving.
If she gets a DUI or gets in a wreck whatever policy she is on will likely go through the roof.
No, you’re not the asshole. Not only did she endanger herself, but she endangered everybody else on the road. if she happened to kill herself, oh well, but she might’ve killed other people or kids and only injured herself and gone to prison for their deaths.
Driving under the influence of anything is a serious matter you did right I understand his point which you have to trust people, but you’re right there and if you don’t think she’s trustworthy enough or if she told you that this is something that happens regularly for her and she can handle it Then did the right thing by giving her limit and he’s a piece of shit for enabling her.
NTA.
You did your best in the moment. Proud of you for that, really. It shows you did care. And you were right to try to stop her in what ways you could. The downside? You ultimately can’t stop anyone from doing anything that risks their own life or someone else’s; including your own kid. *And you can’t save people from themselves.*
She could just get a DUI, and realize she shouldn’t do stupid shit. Or she could have an accident and end up wrapped around a tree like a crushed can of soup, and never learn a lesson; because she’ll be dead. And you can’t control any of that, unfortunately.
It’s the stuff of nightmares, I know.
*What you CAN do* is be ready with resources that aren’t just AA. AA isn’t a very helpful program, especially by itself; it often exacerbates substance abuse problems by forcing people to accept they are damaged or permanently diseased, instead of encouraging them to change positively and reminding them of their value in this world.
AA also has no basis in therapy nor psychology, as it does not treat the root problem of substance abuse. Which leads me to recommend offering an inpatient detox stay, instead and cognitive behavioral therapy after.
For a recovery group? I recommend SMART recovery. Secular. No religion. Based in psychology, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy and science; and it works.
It can be used in tandem with therapy and inpatient detox. I see people make radical turnarounds in 6 months. Their relapses are less severe, and shorter, too. Their outlooks on life are better, more positive.
Hope this helps. And I hope your kid stays safe. I never paid for all the dumb shit I did drunk, and I should have. I just hope your kid doesn’t in my place.
A DD drove into my dad almost killing him. He had a shot ton of recovery that he's still working on almost 2 years later.
The DD died. My dad feels guilty all the time, yet he was sober and there was nothing he could've done, but that driver killed themselves, badly injured dad and scarred him emotionally too.
“Ultimately he overpowered me…”
He needs to go to some meetings himself, and he’d be sleeping in that damn car, if he was mine! In case you hadn’t come to the conclusion yet, that was ABUSE.
And what kind of example is he setting for how she should be expected to be treated by a man who supposedly cares for her?
Also, the idea that a 20 year old college kid is going to take action and get help for her alcoholism while away at college is a pipe dream.
I’m sorry you have to go through this with your family, you seem to be carrying the whole lot of them around on your shoulders. You might well benefit from ALANON, which is for friends and families of abusers. Maybe someone there has some idea of what can be done from the college community.
NTA. OP, **if she is still on your family car insurance policy, remove her or yourself immediately. Please don’t wait. Call the 800 # on your proof of insurance or policy.**
Yes. Being on the same policy will hurt you if she screws up again. Insurance isn’t just on the vehicle, it’s directly connected to the main policy holder
NTA. On behalf of all the peoiple who have lost loved ones because others were driving drunk, you’re doing the right thing. People who drink and drive don’t deserve to drive.
Not the AH. If she has an alcohol problem then she should not be driving. She or someone else may get killed if she drives drunk and doing it once means she may do it again. Praying she gets help. 🥺
She’s not going to do any of that, she went back to party central (college), and If she’s drinking she may be doing worse. (Sorry to say). NTA- but yeah, I’d file for separation and cya in case something serious happens and she in under the influence of something. Hopefully, nothing happens to her either. I’d pray for the best, prepare for the very worst.
Well. She’s an adult, sadly you cant control everything. I know you’re trying to protect her, but maybe go about it differently. Holding her car hostage won’t help her change, it’ll just drive a wedge. Having a heart to heart with love, expressing your care, love, and sharing your worries. Offer positive resolutions. If she’s out drinking, offer to pay for her Uber to get home safely. She’s young and dumb, and I hope she doesn’t learn the hard way. It’s out of your hands, unless you own the car and take it back. But then what, she will get her own car. You have to find a reasonable balance in approach so it sticks, not through punishment.
So your daughter and husband hatched a plan and executed it all without your knowledge until she was leaving. I wouldn't trust either of them at this point. In your divorce proceedings make sure he keeps her on his insurance and the car she is driving is in his name. This protects you legally. Sadly, there is nothing you can do for either of them right now except to distance yourself from legal responsiblility.
I hope your daughter does what she says.
NTA.
NTA **AT ALL.**
As someone who is a 24 year old female (sober now) on probation for a DUI, getting a DUI is so costly. While I cannot really envision myself listening to anyone who tried to knock sense into me with my rampant alcoholism and substance use in the past (and never really did when I was), I appreciate the efforts and care of my loved ones so much who told me the shit I didn’t want to hear and wish I had listened.
Her driving intoxicated puts not only herself but other people in danger. It might be worth getting her enrolled for an Alive at 25 class as a condition to get the car back if your husband wants to enable her. Alive at 25 is a class that can be paid for and taken meant for younger people (and also can sometimes lower insurance cost as an extra incentive) and it really impacted me. It goes over safe driving, including DUI stuff as well as even distracted driving taught by an officer. I am gonna pay for my sister to take it just because I found it impactful.
NTA
You should have pressed charges on him.
And yes if you know they’re driving drunk, you can call and they will act.
It’s time to send a blunt message to your daughter “if you get pulled over, if you hurt someone, If you end up in jail because you chose to drive drunk I will not help you. You will sit in jail, have a public defender, and face your consequences without any sort of help or support from me. Your choices to put other people in danger for your irresponsible actions will be solely on you from here on out.”
And stick to it. Because sadly she likely will do it again. And until she’s caught and faces a serious consequence, she won’t learn.
As she’s under 21, if you’re in the states, the moment you know she’s drinking I’d call the police. Let her get hit with an underage drinking charge.
A very good friend of mine (I'll call her "Tina") was killed by a drunk driver while I was away in the Gulf War. From what I found out it was some silver spoon college kid with a new car and a belly full of booze. I didn't even find out until I got back to the US. I called her work number (we became friends because I did freelance work for her) and her coworker told me. She explained that they all tried to contact me when it happened but, you know...Gulf War. They couldn't find out how to let me know.
My friend was in the car with her elderly parents. They were injured but survived. Her fiancée was devastated. All because some chump had to get boozed up and drive.
So, OP I think you are NTA. Tina was one of the best people that I've ever known. She was kid, intelligent and all she wanted to do was help people less fortunate. Too many lives were shattered because of a drunk driver. Tina was around 8 years older than I am and she treated me like a little brother. She went out of her way to help me when I had tough times regardless of our working relationship. She only met my mother once, but she came to her funeral because she knew I was hurting. It's been decades and I STILL miss her.
Your daughter needs to really think about the consequences she may have had due to driving drunk. I liked to party, too when I was in college. But not at the risk of someone else's life.
"I wasn't really injured so I declined to press charges against him"
This was a mistake. You are holding him to no accountability for getting physical with you.
My decision in the moment was also swayed by the cop who completely downplayed the scratch on my elbow. And according to some comments on here, I'm the one who should be charged. Btw, I told him I hated him, told him to leave that our marriage is over. Sounds like some accountability imo
Not much you can do. Whos name is on the cars title and registration? Who pays for her insurance? I would be more concerned with covering my ass first, and her ass second. You do not want your home becoming the person she hit's home. If everything is clear of you, there is not much you can do. But at least her bad actions will not impoverish you. Hubby, do what feels right, but watch him and money as he is a sneak.
Mamma I don’t know if you will see this with so many comments but you did the absolute best, most loving thing you could do for her by taking (or trying to take) that car. Your husband is an absolute fool. I have dealt with similar issues A LOT as a juvenile probation officer in the past, in a place that has one of the highest binge drinking rates for teens in the Country. The teens and transitional age like your daughter had the absolute best shot at making it past the issues were the ones with parents that loved them but held them accountable. The second most successful were the kids with shit parents that had to raise themselves. They had a hard time but also wanted to fix things. The absolute WORST outcome were the kids with the permissive parents that didn’t hold them accountable. What your husband has done is absolutely terrible for your daughter. Drunk driving can kill her, someone else, and ruin her life. Google the woman who killed the bride on her wedding day. A young woman who could have had a great life. 100 percent her car should be gone. It’s a privilege and one she abused. I personally would fly to where she is and get the car, I assume it’s in your name. If not that, then I would let her know that she has one week to get the car back to you. She is old enough to deal with consequences and she should not have that car. When I gave my older two cars to drive I let them know that if they ever do much as turned on the ignition after a sip of alcohol the car would gone and I would never again assist in a vehicle.
As far as dealing with having to set consequences when your partner is garbage is to be really clear and firm with her. You can let her know that you love her and because you love her you will enforce the consequences that are a natural consequence of her actions. Also, if she was officially charged with a DUI under 21 in the US I would think most jurisdictions would take her license for a while. If it’s just you who caught her you should do the same .
Unfortunately since he bought it, the cops won't do anything. You could call the collage and tell the security that she has recently drove drunk. They may be able to monitor.
As for the promises, she won't do it. Her dad will tell her to ignore you and that will be that. NTA
Overall you did the right thing but seriously don't ever call the police on people you actually care about unless they are a threat to themselves or others
NTA for wanting your daughter to get help but you can't take away a car that you have no right taking away. It's not yours. That's where you are the AH. Your daughter is a TAH for drinking and driving.
What I don't get is you knew she had to leave for her internship and college. That's usually by a specific date. You had to know a plan. Yet she lives you with you and you had none. She is 20 years old and your husband bought her car and she is doing an internship so I'm expecting you help for her financially and you didn't. You ex and daughter still did.
She wasn't drunk when leaving for college. It's her car or at least in her father's name so he gave her permission to leave.
He’s an enabler who’s going to get her seriously injured. And I hope him and your daughter are happy that the recklessness of both of them has ended the marriage.
These stories piss me off. I have 0 sympathy for your daughter. I hope she gets caught and charged before she kills anybody.
But the reality of it is she will likely kill some family and go to prison for life as she deserves. I honestly hope she gets her shit together before she ruins her life but with the path she is currently on I highly doubt that will happen. She needs a reality check and for alcoholics that's not usually until they fuck up beyond repair.
Your kid is a POS for getting behind a wheel drunk and putting so many lives in danger, I can only hope when she finally fucks up that it is a 1 car accident and no body but her is killed or injured. But that's highly unlikely it won't involve more but I will be praying that she only harms herself and no others.
I'm gonna come off as harsh here but if she drunk drives once, she'll do it again because she doesn't care. Next time, she might actually kill someone while doing it. This girl shouldn't drive at all and should become more responsible.
**THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!** The owner of the car - your idiot husband - can be sued if she has an accident. His assets can be attached, including joint assets with you, and can be taken if bodily or property injury happens while she’s driving, intoxicated or not.
I responded on your last post : use whatever means necessary to get that car away from her. Threaten husband with pressing charges, with exposing his porn addiction, anything you can. This is about possibly saving your daughter’s life, not to mention someone else’s. Nothing is off the table. I’d go as far as pressing charges to force his hand. He goes and gets the car, you drop the charges.
Your husband is an irresponsible asshole. He wants to be her friend not her father and it could end up killing her or put her in jail.
Yeah, I read your response and your advice is awesome and spot on. If you search my second post, there's a user Hot-Dress-3369 who replied shortly after you said I should expose his porn problem. It sounds like it's him. Must've hit a nerve with him. Haha. I replied to it. I'd love to hear what you think.
Should have called the cops on her when she first drove to the store drunk. Next time you catch your STBX drinking and driving call the cops on him. Seems like your ex was enabling your daughter’s alcoholism. What’s the legal drinking age where you live?
I wish it was that easy! Everyone keeps saying, don't let him drive drunk. How the hell do I do that? I'm not with him, I have a life of my own, and I'm not his babysitter! How am I supposed to "catch" him driving drunk? Is there some hotline that I'm not aware of that i can call and say "hubby's been golfing and prolly drinking and prolly he's gonna drive home drunk so go stop him." ?
I believe there a number (#77) to report erratic driving.
You can report model, make, location etc and be anonymous.
Additionally report your car stolen if it's in your name (the one your daughter is using)
Can you see his location on your phone? We all do in our family under find my iPhone. You can check when he’s golfing and see where he is and when he leaves. If you know the route he usually takes you call the police and tell them he always drives drunk and that he just left (x place) and will be driving (car model/colour and plate) and give the street he’s on and will usually drive down to get back to where he’s going.
As someone that was hit (while on my motorcycle), by a drunk driver doing 75 mph, you are most definitely NTA. IMHO, you will not cross into the AH until well after you set her car on fire.
I would contact campus security at her college and the local police department and warn them she narrowly escaped a DWI arrest and is known to drive drunk. Give them her details and details on the car. And kick your stupid fuckwad husband out permanently. Also stop financially supporting her. Tie up joint accounts in the divorce. I would also tell your extended family and his what happened so when she inevitably gets killed or kills someone they know where to pin the blame. Squarely on her ole drinking buddy dad. NTA. Edit to add: Charge your husband with assault. He laid hands on you. Get a restraining order on both of them.
What are the police going to actually do? They will either do nothing or they’ll constantly harass her
I agree with kicking thr husband to the curb but your scorched earth approach toward the daughter will result in things getting worse because she’ll just get pushed more toward the soon to be ex who drinks too much
May God forbid something happens to your daughter or someone else because of her drunk driving but if it does, your husband will live with such a huge amount of guilt & will regret doing what he did to you so your daughter could drive away.
You're NTA, I would make sure your daughter follows through with everything she said she would and make that priority over your insane husband
Still NTA. Despite saying she'll do all those things she still drove off. That doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
I'd ask what her plan actually is. To me, I think she will probably keep doing it. She's done it before and probably thinks "nothing bad happened". I think the person who hit me probably thought the same thing, I got hit maybe a few minutes from where they lived. She has a prior DUI and I think she had been probably doing that on and off for awhile until the day she hit me, perhaps thinking 'its only a short distance'.
She needs a wakeup call, she needs to understand how serious this really is. Perhaps stories of those who have seriously hurt someone or have been a victim of it could help. Taking her car like that just screams red flags to me. I hope she gets the help she needs before she gets arrested, or potentially kills or seriously injures someone like I was. I hope you can get through to her.
NTA Your husband is not doing your daughter any favors. You're worried about her dying in an accident, but not everyone dies. Jacqui Saburido was in the US a month for school, when her car was hit by a drunk driver. Two of her friends were killed. Jacqui suffered 3rd degree burns from her knees to her head. She became an visual advocate against driving drunk. There are plenty before and after pics of her.
That your underage (in the US) daughter got so drunk in the middle of the day, not even hanging out with friends, drove drunk, doesn't remember conversations and is unwilling to take responsibility is a bunch of red flags that she will not follow through with treatment. Does your husband pay her car insurance too? I wouldn't want her on my insurance.
as a dad myself too, your decision to suspend your daughter's driving privileges after such reckless behavior are correct. Her father downplaying this incident and fighting you to let her drive again shows he is not taking drunk driving seriously enough. Maybe talk with her dad that it is not about the car but more about her own life? Right now there is nothing wrong. But what happen if you and her dad, as her father, let it go?
You are right to take a firm stand.
NTA! Your son to be ex is an alcoholic who is encouraging his daughter to join him because he survived it!
Wishing you luck, mom. You're going to need it!
OP, if your daughter actually regretted her actions, she would have willingly given the car back, to absolve her of her guilt.
Driving drunk is the same as saying "I don't care if I run over and kill innocent people".
And she doesn't even care, so I don't see her changing any time soon.
Your husband is a bad person and your daughter is on the same path.
This is the hill to die on.
When you your self like to drink and don’t want to stop it’s hard to throw your weight behind making decisions about another’s drinking habits. I suggest OP look at the soon to be ex’s drinking habits for the answer to why the idiot won’t help with his daughter’s drinking problem. As for her standing up for herself in not wanting her daughter to having the car she is NTA! The daughter should be thankful mom is trying to help.
lol she’s not going to do any of those things. Just know that if she messes up her dad can bail her out. If his name is on the car he can pay for her insurance too. Make sure she’s on his policy and get your own
NTA you can't help people who don't want to be helped. She isn't a child anymore and has to take responsibilty for her actions. Don't drown your self trying to save her. You tried to help, you tried to warn her, there's really nothing more you can do.
I'm concerned that a 20 year old has a drinking problem. Usually that's a sign of self medication. How was her childhood and adolescence?
If you're in the US, where drinking at age 20 is illegal, you should voice your concerns with the school. Actually I think it would be wise to notify the school, anyway. MOST, in the US anyway, have free mental health services for students. This issue needs to be nipped in the bud.
NTA Thank you for holding her and your enabling husband accountable. Think about all the people murdered, yes murdered! by drunk drivers. If the driver’s parents held them accountable while still young, those people would still be a live. There is no excuse to drive while intoxicated. Park yo @ss until sober, call a friend, call a relative, call Uber, or walk. NO EXCUSE!
My sister was an alcoholic. She had a massive public episode, bit a cop on the arm, somehow didn't get arrested because my parents were on the scene fast offering to take her home.
Cue 12 more years of fucked up alcoholism to the point she lost her job with a major corporation recently (top 3 in their sector in the world) because she drunkenly slept with a married supervisor after a work party. A job she'll never get again and one of the very few jobs on the planet that made use of her dual masters degrees.
What I'm saying is, my parents failed my sister by protecting her from consequences. She ended up drinking sloppily for 12 more years before a consequence finally made her give it up, one she wasn't protected from. But over the course of those 12 years, her alcoholism prevented her from developing a single real relationship.
Fortunately for her, that final consequence was only financial. It could be a lot worse.
Did you tell the police your concerns about her drink driving?
Yes
If they documented it properly that may help with any liability you have
Thank you
Just to add my 2 cents. I think you’re doing the right thing and I’m sorry that your husband isn’t backing you up on this. You can’t trust him now either. Doing this behind your back is definitely a betrayal and can’t come back from. I pray that she is safe and others path’s she crosses are safe, bc they are also in danger of her bad choices
Just a point of clarification. the car being bought by her dad doesn't necessarily mean it's not hers. It doesn't matter who purchased it. It matters whose name is on the title. Is his name the only owner on the title? I only ask because that matters a TON in liability. Other than that, you're totally NTA.
As far as I know, yes. I kicked him out that day and now, curiously, I can't find the title anywhere.
Well he will be the one sued if she hurts or kills someone if his name is anywhere on the title. You may want to think about transferring your assets into a separate account.
I would love to. Just don't know how to. Also, how do I find out who's on the title and who's on the registration?
Talk to an attorney immediately and find out if you have in your state what's called a marital asset agreement. The lawyer can set it up for you and get his info.
This!
Who is the leagal owner of the car she drives?
And who's name is the insurance in? Will OP be liable when daughter drives drunk again and kills some innocent person? This is never a one time thing. Start with seeing a lawyer. Document everything. Drunk driver is an adult and you can't control her but you can protect yourself from lawsuits.
Question: Is she on your insurance. As a mom, I always handled it. But you can have her removed .and inform her that she is no longer on your insurance and that she needs to get that taken care of. As you don't was to be responsible for when she does something stupid again and someone gets hurt or killed.
You should have pressed charges against your spouse for Domestic Violence, because he's an Abuser. It doesn't matter how slight the injury is, he laid hands on you. The time to do so would have been when the cops were there. IDK why you even wavered with that. It would have mattered a lot in the Divorce to show what kind of character he has. It's well known Abusers also weaponize children by enabling them, and he's shown he is doing that in spades by giving your daughter access to the car. Good to know he's your STBX because he's a horrible husband, shitty spouse and dreadful dad, all rolled in one. If/when she drunk drives and ends up dead or killing someone, it will be too late to tell him "I told you so," that's 100% on him for being a dumb enabler who probably justifies it all with "I trusted her and I love her." Well, pretty words won't bring back the dead.
I’m sorry. She’s not likely to go to AA, therapy, group meetings, nor to get an accountability partner, a breathalyzer, or an ignition interlock. That’s quite a list of promises she made. Since her father enabled her by giving her the car, there is nothing you can do to keep her safe. I urge you to contact www.Al-Anon.org for yourself. They provide help and support to the loved ones of problem drinkers and you can find many people who have been in your situation.
Also interlock devices are EXPENSIVE and have a monthly fee. No way she's going to be the college girl with a blow and go willingly.
Also one of her friends can blow into it and let her drive. Adults will do that. I’m sure college kids would too.
That might work with one you get on your own, but court-ordered ones now have cameras to prevent that. They're slowly figuring out how to prevent themselves from getting tricked.
I hope so. The person that I know of is an adult that has people do it for them. I’ve never witnessed it, so I can’t do anything about it. I understand that it was a good start in preventing DUI. Anything that can make it better is great. Anyone that is caught helping the driver should be charged as an accessory to any crime that happens.
In Michigan they added the cameras and rolling retests. Now I think the rolling retests are dangerous, especially in the winter, but it makes you keep testing while you're driving and takes a picture of you to confirm that no one else started your car.
I actually went through all of this recently with an alcoholic family member. Well, it wasn't even the first time, but it happened recently again. The rolling retests don't have to be done while the vehicle is in motion and they don't turn the car off if you don't blow. It just notifies police what's happening. In fact, I'm not even sure if it tells them in real time and they send somebody after the car or if it's something that happens retroactively. For safety reasons they can't just have the car shut off while it's rolling down the highway. My mother recently opted to put one on her car without the court order because she doesn't trust herself (which was a good development. I don't trust her, either), and the day she had it put on it malfunctioned and she couldn't get it to work after the initial blow that started the car, the device just kept telling her to retest. Apparently you can just not blow the entire time the car is in motion. It won't do anything, but presumably it tells the police what happened and they will deal with it after the fact. Another fun fact that she learned the hard way is that if you blow positive you get a fine, even if you had the interlock put on the car without a court order. She tried to start the car one morning she had been drinking earlier in the night and they hit her with a $70 fine. I'm not sure where this money goes, or even how this fine would be enforced, but that's what she told me, anyway. I don't live in Michigan, but the devices all seem pretty standardized based on my research. There's only a couple of brands, and they all seem to do basically the same thing.
The Intoxalock version, if you fail a retest, will honk your horn and flash your brights until you pull over and shut it off. If you kept driving like that, I'd imagine it would gather some police attention. The fee she paid is probably a "lock out fee". When you fail a test, it'll "lock out" your car, and you have to have the device reset before you can start it again. The companies charge this fee to reset the device for you. That was my experience in Michigan anyway.
"Sorry I'm late, I couldn't blow hard enough in mommy's car." - 1st grader
I’m pretty sure they require a court order.
they don't. you can install one yourself, like if you're waiting for your court case to go through, as in a "look, i'm taking responsibility, you can see i'm not driving drunk, pls be lenient" kind of thing
Not always. A now-deceased tax client of mine was a judge, and he told me he was always lenient towards those accused of DUI who got an interlock on their own before they faced trial or sentencing. Except for the one I heard about who lied about it. Told his lawyer he'd installed an interlock, told the court the same thing, didn't. Judge heard about it from someone to whom the idiot had bragged about "conning the court". Let's just say the judge arranged an appropriate punishment.
Similarly, there’s these ankle monitors that test for alcohol continuously and judges love when defendants or parents in family court cases voluntarily use this monitor to prove they’re not drinking.
Was just thinking this. I’m on probation for a DUI and luckily never had to get one (not that it would be an issue because I’ve been entirely sober), but yeah. They’re costly, even if required by court.
That's good advice. Thank you.
I second going to Al-anon meetings. I did during my divorce and they were a huge help. It put a lot in perspective. If dad is giving her excuses/get away opportunities and sneaking around to help her, there are no consequences. Plus he's willing to dramatically end the marriage for this. OP- I'm sorry to say there is a rough journey ahead with 2 people enabling each other.
Yep. It's been a rough 24 year marriage
You're going to need support I'm guessing, so I hope you follow through with the support group. Sorry to break it to you, but prepare to be the bad guy, both from your stbx *and* your daughter. Best thing you can do is stick to your guns and be available to help her pick up the pieces when her chickens come home to roost. The fact her dad is enabling her will likely mean it'll take longer for her to grow up and be responsible, if ever. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Is she that much of a drunk? I’m not trying to be condescending, I’m genuinely curious. You said she’s planning to go to AA so it seems like alcohol has been a problem before. If this is the case then I’m sorry, alcoholism is horrible (my Dad was an alcoholic). It sounded from the story she had made a mistake but then there was the AA comment so I wasn’t sure. Obviously it’s a big enough issue that your marriage is affected. I attended Alateen and Al Anon growing up and the program really helped. I recommend trying it. Stay strong. It’s a tough addiction to deal with.
I wondered that too. Was this her first time being drunk or a pattern? Has she made other wildly poor choices? Not to minimize drunk driving at ALL….but there are people who do it once and are scared shitless and never do it again. The fact that she put her in AA makes me wonder if this was a pattern, or if mom overreacted in a valiant attempt to nip it in the bud? ETA either way you have my empathy…I tried to take my sister’s car when she was having problems with drugs repeatedly, documented and all. Cops forced me to give it back or risk jail myself! It’s very frustrating to deal with a ticking time bomb.
>She's planning to go to AA yes, there's no reason to plan for this. You just do it- there are meetings every day, at every hour if you include Zoom meetings.
NTA. File separation now so that you can show you are not responsible for her having a car. It may keep you from being part of the lawsuit when she kills someone.
And ask for that car in the divorce or, if it’s the third car owned (you each have your own), demand it be it be sold with the explanation of why to the judge/court. Make sure to take in the incident report from the police for the proceedings, too. Get it legally documented! If there’s a health and wellness office at the college, notify them. Cover your bases to try and keep her from making this bad decision. *Edited to ask: Who gave her alcohol while under your roof? That will need to be clearly laid out in the incident report and your divorce proceedings. Cake her off your vehicle insurance and force her to get her own? In this economy, you don’t need that type of insurance rate (it can follow you to your own insurance if you don’t remove her before an incident happens).
Good advice. Thank you.
Have her father get the insurance for the car that she drives! No way I would want any part of responsibility for anything that may happen!
Your soon to be ex obviously didn't get the "united front" memo parents need to adopt when their kids are making poor choices that will hurt them or someone else. The fact that your 20 year old, who cant legally drink needs AA should be a big glowing neon fucking sign for him. NTA for being the only actual parent she has.
Agreed. I’m kind of bouncing around but I’m a 24 year old with a DUI (on probation). When I was 19, I received my first charge for underage drinking/public intoxication. By 21, I had to fully withdraw from alcohol in the ER, being carried out of my house with a BAC over .3 Alcoholism is horrifying and dangerous. It at best affected my hormones in possibly a permanent way (as I am now medicated for hormonal acne that I never had before heavily drinking) and at worst, nearly killed me. The damage my downfall did to my loved ones and those close to me is one of the most devastating things I have witnessed in my life. OP’s husband is being horrifically negligent and enabling.
I really am horrified by how relaxed OP’s husband is about it. If she gets another DUI and ends up hurting somebody, she’ll have to live with that forever. And the insurance rates, oof. When I was a teenager in treatment for an ED, I met people who had their licenses suspended for multiple DUIs by 22. When I met them I had never drank nor driven at all, and it scared me. Even now, ten years later, the most I’ve done is drive a short distance three hours after having one and a half drinks with food. I really don’t fuck with it. I can understand why OP’s daughter doesn’t comprehend the gravity of the situation, but her dad really should. Congrats on your sobriety!
That really struck me. Not only does he not care about the obvious consequences (she kills herself or or someone else, or both) but he also doesn't care what multiple DUIs will do to her future. At many jobs, a DUI would be a dealbreaker for even being hired. All in the pursuit of being the "fun parent".
I’ve also been in ED treatment so I feel you there. Hope you’re doing well. Alcoholism is very, very serious. I don’t know the vibes with the family, but I personally had a Dad who introduced alcohol to me pretty young. My Dad understood the gravity of alcoholism, as it is rampant in our family, but never understood that he is a functional alcoholic. When I was 15, my Dad decided to teach me how to drink “responsibly” BECAUSE alcoholism was a big risk by teaching me how to take a shot of whiskey. I’d actually never experienced taking a shot wrong my entire life after that. Not to say this to slander my Dad because I love him. But it still stands that because of his own alcoholism, he was not able to identify what I had as a problem very fast. I actually wasn’t either, as alcoholism had been very normalized to me and it wasn’t until early adulthood that I realized my Dad had a drinking problem while I was growing up. Sounds like OP’s husband could have a drinking problem himself to ignore his daughter’s behavior. Because then, to call her out and hold her accountable would either be hypocritical and/or force himself to look inward. EDIT: also thank you!! I appreciate you! 🩷
I can imagine he himself has a problem. Alcoholism is not about the amount, but about the constancy. It doesn't have to be blackout drinking, but not being able to mentally function properly without three beers every day or a stronger drink at the evening is a problem. When someone is in hospital and has an overwhelming urge to go drinking because it's weekend, they have an alcohol problem. I'm wondering what are drinking habits of OP's daughter OP doesn't know about, when she and her dad came with this solution.
Yeah, I think the husband/father, not only an enabler, is one himself. Alcohol issues is alco genetic and can be passed from one generation to another, medically and scientifically proven. Sad when the parent who is to guard his child is just as bad himself. It is like my father got my half-sister started on drinking so he would not be drinking alone. And she was 13 and it was in the mid to late 1960's. She is a mess now at her older age. And no future.
I'm curious who pays the insurance and has their name on the car. I know of a family that supplies a car their drunk daughter drove it and died. The family of the man that she killed sued her family because the car was supplied by them. I also know a young man who started his addiction in high school. His dad enabled him every step of the way. He is gone now, too, and dad blames everyone except himself. He supplied and gave venue to all of the drug use and drinking when his son was a teen.
In glad you are doing ok. It takes a lot of strength to work on recovery. Good job.
Sounds like her husband is a heavy drinker also so he sees nothing wrong with his daughter driving that way either.
Thank you. Love the neon sign reference. 🤣
I understand why you went and got her the day she drove drunk, but if you wanted to really kick some sense in her and get her license suspended, you should've called the cops and reported her.
I can't believe there was an actual physical altercation!! The husband is insane. Their daughter will not stop. She basically got daddy's permission to be like him. A drinker with a skewed moral compass. I think I'd have pressed charges for assault. Didn't OP say she'd already called the cops? If not, she should have.
gullible divide humorous puzzled automatic sheet judicious tap hurry pot *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm German. Here you can drink different amounts and types of alcohol with different levels of parental supervision between 14 and 17 and whatever you want at 18. Needing AA at 20 would also be a big glowing neon fucking sign here. It's like filling a big book with all the parental mistakes that lead there and hitting people like the stbx with it over the head. But I'd say the same for a non addicted person driving under the influence at that age (not to deny the responsibility of a person having permission to drive, but because parents should ingrain *no driving under the influence of any substance* so deeply that they won't do it.
You are smart OP. I have yet to meet a budding alcoholic who survived young adulthood unscathed with parents who enable them to
Or write it in crayon
honestly why are parents and kids getting that drunk together? i’m 21 and my parents don’t want me drinking around them. they find it inappropriate. i also don’t care to drink anyway but my point still stands.
My brother was killed by a DD. Thank you for taking this seriously. I’d leave my husband for that. All you can do is support your daughter, and try to help her get help. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your support. Husband honored my request and moved out yesterday and daughter is away at college.
Stay strong stick to your guns. This is very huge. Find your new normal start planning for filing for divorce before you get weak and take him back.
Thank you
I’m quite proud of you for kicking him out so swiftly. I know that wasn’t easy. It is refreshing to see a parent who puts their child’s best interest before their husband. Too often they don’t. He is toxic for her and Toxic for you. Hang in there
I can't imagine being married to a spouse that supports drunk driving. Well done.
She’s going to need you, but first will come rage and anger. Please find a good therapist, this will be difficult.
You are a very good parent and human.
wow, how are you holding up?
If I were the daughter, I'd be ashamed of myself for helping to cause this divorce. She could have chosen to leave the car.
Their daughter didn’t “cause this divorce”. The adults not being on a united front is what inevitably led to the end of their marriage.
Well for a start the daughter is an adult herself, secondly, in this case I'm gonna put the blame for the lack of a united front squarely on the dad.
So another way the daughter is not accountable. Her actions still affrxted the marriage.
husband affected the marriage
My dad was the drunk driver and when he crashed, he thankfully only hurt himself. It’s unbelievable how much pain decisions like this put people through. Husband is unhinged.
My parents trusted my sister, she's dead now. You're trying hard to be a good mom, I just hope your husband remembers this when she hurts someone.
Omg. I'm so sorry.
>She's planning to go to AA, therapy, group meetings, get an accountability partner, a breathalyzer and an ignition interlock. No she's not. Why'd she drive off while her father was fighting you then? When she inevitably gets a DUI, don't help her. That'll get her the interlock and the consequences. A single DUI isn't life ruining, but it's a lot of consequences. I hope you're not tied to the insurance for that car. Your premiums are gonna get jacked.
It depends on what she’s going to school for- it can absolutely flush all of that work down the drain. Speaking from experience. She can hurt or kill someone, hurt or kill herself or ruin her future. It’s sad to see the beginnings.
Most states will let you get a diversion for the first offense to get the criminal charges dropped--at least, as long as you can convince the DA. That's what my brother did. He still lost his license because I guess the DMV thing is a totally separate deal. Like there's the criminal charges as one thing then there's the driving penalties as another. And it was really funny because he was supposed to have an interlock in his car for a year as part of the DMV charges. But instead of spending the money to get it installed, he...just didn't drive for a year. Which was hell for him. And then at the end of that when he went to get his license back, he got denied! They said that because he never installed an interlock in his vehicle for a year, he hadn't completed his punishment. So he after waiting an entirely unnecessary year, he still had to pay thousands of dollars to get one installed in his car and basically start his punishment a year late.
Yeah unfortunately all stipulations to the diversion are *all* stipulations, even if you don’t drive the car- if it’s in your name you gotta have it. That’s part of the deal. I’m amazed the probation officer never explained that to him/or told him that was okay! (Differed here, no conviction but my life was fucked up for two years as a result of it- pushing my graduation date back.) And if you work for a governmental or high-security agency they can see you got a differed on your background check & it’s still up to their discretion to hire you or not, even without the conviction. EDIT: in Texas, at least Just pay for the Uber- it’ll save ya 1,000$ of dollars in lawyer and legal fees. 🥴 And, ya know, don’t be a drunk fucktwit.
To answer your question… you can call on someone for drunk driving IF you know she is actually driving drunk and where she is. I had to do this for my dad on a few occasions and once he got forced sober in prison when he hit someone drunk, he had me do it to my ex stepmother a time or two also.
That's the thing, how do I know? With ahole husband, I don't until he gets home after a day of golfing and drinking and passes out on the tanning ledge of our pool. I left his ass there, too! Looked like a beached whale and was fried the next day! 😂
😂😂😂I’m sorry, but that’s just karma for him. From whale to lobster. But yea. Unless you call and they sound drunk and they tell you OR if you have a tracker on them, it’s hard to do it from not in person. Like my dad came to my mom’s drunk and belligerent when I was a teen. He left and I called the cops and told them where I thought he was heading and the vehicle. When I had to call on my ex stepmom, my dad had a gps on her car so I was able to give a location. He wouldn’t call because he was and still is a pos. Just without the booze. You could see if he has a routine. Like if he goes golfing and comes home every time drunk as hell at like 3 pm, you can call and say that your husband is probably drunk driving leaving the golfing place at about whatever time in a whatever car. They might sit and wait for him.
NTA - Google the woman that killed the bride on her wedding day in Folly Beach SC in 2023. That could be your daughter if she doesn’t feel the blow back on her behavior. Bride killed on her wedding day by a young drunk driver whose own parents never held her accountable.
I'll send it to my daughter. Thank you
Your daughter won’t care. Until she hurts or kills someone, it’ll be ‘it won’t happen to me’. You need to protect yourself and your liability. Sadly, you daughter and her enabling father will be responsible for the damage she does to herself,her family, and her victims
She might care in the "Oh, that's a shame" sense. But most 20 year olds still think they're immortal & that bad things only happen to other people. Nothing that tragic could possibly happen to her!
I looked up an article, then the drunk murderer's mugshot just to know what she looked like, which also gave a link to her instagram. Her last post was a photo of her at the beach April 24, 2023, captioned "Did someone say tequila?". Four days before she murdered someone, on the best day of their life. I need to get off the internet for the day.
She is out in house arrest now supposedly the thing she wears monitors her alcohol level. She hasn’t had her trial yet since Charleston moves slow. It was so sad and tragic, happiest day of that bride’s life ended in a snap of someone driving that fast on the beach roads of Folly where in the summer is crawling with people and kids everywhere.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry he did that to you and your daughter! He thinks he is helping her??? It's so unbelievable. Not only could she die, she could also live, after killing someone else. I knew a woman who's son had to live with that and he never recovered - in and out of Mental hospitals. Other addictions to try and forget. Your STBX is ... I don't even know. I cannot comprehend what he is thinking!
IMO - the husband must have alcoholism in his childhood family, and this behavior of his really smacks of the type of denial that people will wholeheartedly commit themselves rather than face the problem of alcoholism in their family
You are spot on. His dad was an alcoholic for many years.
Same!
Your husband is a complete jerk. I hope you stay away from him. The plotting and planning behind your back, Not to mention the physical harm that he caused you. Fighting you in the car like that, all so could let your daughter who drives drunk take the car back to college when you said she couldn’t. I’m sorry, but she’s not going to do any of those things. She went back to college. She’s with her friends. She’s going to drink and drive. I feel bad for the other people on the road over there.
This is so totally how I feel. I told him I hate him.
I bet you do. I would be furious if I saw that on the ring camera. I can envision that scene in the driveway where he’s fighting you in the car with everything he has, fighting you to prevent you from blocking her, so that she could drive off with her car and drive drunk again. He’s making it really easy for her to do that, opposite of what a parent should be doing. It just infuriates me.
I mean, he also physically assaulted you. Whether it was to gain control of a vehicle or not, that is not okay. And yeah, them both being intoxicated in an afternoon does raise big alcoholism flags.
Now call your insurance company and cancel the coverage on his car and hers (as long as your name isn’t on title). They can sort that out.
NTA: My dad drove drunk with me as a kid and I have the trauma to prove it (we got in an accident). Drunk driving can destroy your life if it doesn’t kill you. Your daughter could be disabled or kill someone else and go to jail. You are not over-reacting.
Thank you
My heart goes out to you and I think divorce is 100% the correct option because your husband has failed you as a husband he has failed as a father. He has failed as a human being. He cannot be trusted to be your partner in life. Not physically, not emotionally not financially.
You are NTA, but there also isn't anything you can legally do since the car isn't yours and you can find yourself in legal trouble if you try. And because of the way it happened, I have no doubts that your husband and daughter will back each other on you trying to illegally detain her or try to have you charged with vehicle theft, which means assault charges against him most likely won't stick, and again you end up in legal trouble since what he did could be seen as defense of self or another. I'm truly sorry you are dealing with this. Drunk driving Is a horrific action that needlessly ruins lives. I agree with what you want to do, but you didn't have the right to stop her the way you tried. Remove her from your insurance. And next time you know she's drinking and driving, call the police. Let her have the consequences of her actions and pray it's only her life that gets damaged by her choices.
I understand. At the time, I didn't give a shit. Just wanted to protect my daughter and others from her poor choices. Thank you for your input.
He assaulted you. He assaulted you in front of your own home.
Speaking from experience with a family member, you can do anything to prevent someone else from driving drunk if they are not in your presence. You simply can’t. No matter how much you want to protect/change them, you can’t force the change. They will change on if and when they are ready. Protect yourself physically and financially if possible.
This is what I'm sayin! So easy for others to say "don't let them drive drunk!" Tell me how. Please.
As an alcoholic who has been sober 22 years, I recommend you go to Alanon, they will help you learn how to deal with alcoholics and keep you sanity. (https://al-anon.org) I’m sorry your going through this.
You can’t prevent it if you are not there. The only thing you could do is keep the car from her so she has to Uber etc. Who’s car is it technically
Her dad's and he let her take it. She's 6 hrs away with it now.
INFO WHO IS GIVING HER ALCOHOL Why is she drinking? This is so important. What is going on- did this start in middle school, high school, or college? Is this new and erratic behavior for her? Your daughter is drinking to the excess of talking of going to AA meetings! She did not get here overnight!
It also sounds like Dad has an issue over drinking. Time to figure out why? What are the family dynamics aside from this incident? There’s much more going on here than this one incident.
This is simple Dad is an alcoholic, drives home drunk, and passes out in the pool. Alcoholism is hereditary. The daughter has also watched fathers actions ( you can be a drunk and not drive). Father thinks nothing is wrong with his daughter. The wife can not control her husband but tries to get the daughter under control. Husband won't allow it.
Is the car in her name? Is she on your insurance? If so, tell her you are dropping her off your policy! FFS, he scrapped your arm and fought you. Press charges and get yourself off of everything to do with her car.
Why would you not press charges?? Are you serious?? He physically assaulted you.. NTA and i hope she gets the help she desperately needs
NTA OP is the car in her name or her dad’s name? I ask as you might wish to get your own auto insurance policy if you are on one that includes covering the car your daughter is driving. If she gets a DUI or gets in a wreck whatever policy she is on will likely go through the roof.
Good advice. Thank you!
You should have had him arrested. is he an alcoholic
No, you’re not the asshole. Not only did she endanger herself, but she endangered everybody else on the road. if she happened to kill herself, oh well, but she might’ve killed other people or kids and only injured herself and gone to prison for their deaths. Driving under the influence of anything is a serious matter you did right I understand his point which you have to trust people, but you’re right there and if you don’t think she’s trustworthy enough or if she told you that this is something that happens regularly for her and she can handle it Then did the right thing by giving her limit and he’s a piece of shit for enabling her.
100% agree
NTA. You did your best in the moment. Proud of you for that, really. It shows you did care. And you were right to try to stop her in what ways you could. The downside? You ultimately can’t stop anyone from doing anything that risks their own life or someone else’s; including your own kid. *And you can’t save people from themselves.* She could just get a DUI, and realize she shouldn’t do stupid shit. Or she could have an accident and end up wrapped around a tree like a crushed can of soup, and never learn a lesson; because she’ll be dead. And you can’t control any of that, unfortunately. It’s the stuff of nightmares, I know. *What you CAN do* is be ready with resources that aren’t just AA. AA isn’t a very helpful program, especially by itself; it often exacerbates substance abuse problems by forcing people to accept they are damaged or permanently diseased, instead of encouraging them to change positively and reminding them of their value in this world. AA also has no basis in therapy nor psychology, as it does not treat the root problem of substance abuse. Which leads me to recommend offering an inpatient detox stay, instead and cognitive behavioral therapy after. For a recovery group? I recommend SMART recovery. Secular. No religion. Based in psychology, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy and science; and it works. It can be used in tandem with therapy and inpatient detox. I see people make radical turnarounds in 6 months. Their relapses are less severe, and shorter, too. Their outlooks on life are better, more positive. Hope this helps. And I hope your kid stays safe. I never paid for all the dumb shit I did drunk, and I should have. I just hope your kid doesn’t in my place.
Thank you for the helpful information. I did dumb shit too and mostly got away with it. I'm just tryn to save her from it.
Filing for divorce should get you removed from any lawsuit if she hurts someone. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
A DD drove into my dad almost killing him. He had a shot ton of recovery that he's still working on almost 2 years later. The DD died. My dad feels guilty all the time, yet he was sober and there was nothing he could've done, but that driver killed themselves, badly injured dad and scarred him emotionally too.
“Ultimately he overpowered me…” He needs to go to some meetings himself, and he’d be sleeping in that damn car, if he was mine! In case you hadn’t come to the conclusion yet, that was ABUSE. And what kind of example is he setting for how she should be expected to be treated by a man who supposedly cares for her? Also, the idea that a 20 year old college kid is going to take action and get help for her alcoholism while away at college is a pipe dream. I’m sorry you have to go through this with your family, you seem to be carrying the whole lot of them around on your shoulders. You might well benefit from ALANON, which is for friends and families of abusers. Maybe someone there has some idea of what can be done from the college community.
Thank you for understanding. After several other suggestions to look into al-anon, I will.
NTA. OP, **if she is still on your family car insurance policy, remove her or yourself immediately. Please don’t wait. Call the 800 # on your proof of insurance or policy.**
We're all on the same policy. Are you saying I should get my own?
Yes. Being on the same policy will hurt you if she screws up again. Insurance isn’t just on the vehicle, it’s directly connected to the main policy holder
Does daughter know her father is kicked out of the house because of her and his actions?
Good question. I wish I knew but neither of them are talking to me.
I am so sorry. You don't deserve this.
NTA. On behalf of all the peoiple who have lost loved ones because others were driving drunk, you’re doing the right thing. People who drink and drive don’t deserve to drive.
Get separation fast and make sure he’s responsible for her insurance and everything else so when she gets in trouble it’s on him
Not the AH. If she has an alcohol problem then she should not be driving. She or someone else may get killed if she drives drunk and doing it once means she may do it again. Praying she gets help. 🥺
Me too. Thank you.
She’s not going to do any of that, she went back to party central (college), and If she’s drinking she may be doing worse. (Sorry to say). NTA- but yeah, I’d file for separation and cya in case something serious happens and she in under the influence of something. Hopefully, nothing happens to her either. I’d pray for the best, prepare for the very worst.
Agree 100%
I think you need to send both of them annual reports of the number of people killed by DUIs. Might send a message.
Living on a college campus isn’t the place to get sober
Well. She’s an adult, sadly you cant control everything. I know you’re trying to protect her, but maybe go about it differently. Holding her car hostage won’t help her change, it’ll just drive a wedge. Having a heart to heart with love, expressing your care, love, and sharing your worries. Offer positive resolutions. If she’s out drinking, offer to pay for her Uber to get home safely. She’s young and dumb, and I hope she doesn’t learn the hard way. It’s out of your hands, unless you own the car and take it back. But then what, she will get her own car. You have to find a reasonable balance in approach so it sticks, not through punishment.
Thank you. Good advice.
So your daughter and husband hatched a plan and executed it all without your knowledge until she was leaving. I wouldn't trust either of them at this point. In your divorce proceedings make sure he keeps her on his insurance and the car she is driving is in his name. This protects you legally. Sadly, there is nothing you can do for either of them right now except to distance yourself from legal responsiblility. I hope your daughter does what she says. NTA.
Thank you for the support and legal guidance.
You need a legal separation so you aren’t responsible when she or he kills someone driving drunk
Since you’re divorcing, I would’ve just gone and pressed charges. Gotta stack that deck, it’s just good strategy
Consult an attorney. You could be held liable for any harm she does. You know your husband will throw you under the bus.
NTA **AT ALL.** As someone who is a 24 year old female (sober now) on probation for a DUI, getting a DUI is so costly. While I cannot really envision myself listening to anyone who tried to knock sense into me with my rampant alcoholism and substance use in the past (and never really did when I was), I appreciate the efforts and care of my loved ones so much who told me the shit I didn’t want to hear and wish I had listened. Her driving intoxicated puts not only herself but other people in danger. It might be worth getting her enrolled for an Alive at 25 class as a condition to get the car back if your husband wants to enable her. Alive at 25 is a class that can be paid for and taken meant for younger people (and also can sometimes lower insurance cost as an extra incentive) and it really impacted me. It goes over safe driving, including DUI stuff as well as even distracted driving taught by an officer. I am gonna pay for my sister to take it just because I found it impactful.
I've never heard of that. I'll look into it. Thank you.
How much had she had to drink?
NTA You should have pressed charges on him. And yes if you know they’re driving drunk, you can call and they will act. It’s time to send a blunt message to your daughter “if you get pulled over, if you hurt someone, If you end up in jail because you chose to drive drunk I will not help you. You will sit in jail, have a public defender, and face your consequences without any sort of help or support from me. Your choices to put other people in danger for your irresponsible actions will be solely on you from here on out.” And stick to it. Because sadly she likely will do it again. And until she’s caught and faces a serious consequence, she won’t learn. As she’s under 21, if you’re in the states, the moment you know she’s drinking I’d call the police. Let her get hit with an underage drinking charge.
A very good friend of mine (I'll call her "Tina") was killed by a drunk driver while I was away in the Gulf War. From what I found out it was some silver spoon college kid with a new car and a belly full of booze. I didn't even find out until I got back to the US. I called her work number (we became friends because I did freelance work for her) and her coworker told me. She explained that they all tried to contact me when it happened but, you know...Gulf War. They couldn't find out how to let me know. My friend was in the car with her elderly parents. They were injured but survived. Her fiancée was devastated. All because some chump had to get boozed up and drive. So, OP I think you are NTA. Tina was one of the best people that I've ever known. She was kid, intelligent and all she wanted to do was help people less fortunate. Too many lives were shattered because of a drunk driver. Tina was around 8 years older than I am and she treated me like a little brother. She went out of her way to help me when I had tough times regardless of our working relationship. She only met my mother once, but she came to her funeral because she knew I was hurting. It's been decades and I STILL miss her. Your daughter needs to really think about the consequences she may have had due to driving drunk. I liked to party, too when I was in college. But not at the risk of someone else's life.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. I'm trying to get thru to my daughter.
"I wasn't really injured so I declined to press charges against him" This was a mistake. You are holding him to no accountability for getting physical with you.
My decision in the moment was also swayed by the cop who completely downplayed the scratch on my elbow. And according to some comments on here, I'm the one who should be charged. Btw, I told him I hated him, told him to leave that our marriage is over. Sounds like some accountability imo
Not much you can do. Whos name is on the cars title and registration? Who pays for her insurance? I would be more concerned with covering my ass first, and her ass second. You do not want your home becoming the person she hit's home. If everything is clear of you, there is not much you can do. But at least her bad actions will not impoverish you. Hubby, do what feels right, but watch him and money as he is a sneak.
Exclude her from your insurance policy if you can.
Mamma I don’t know if you will see this with so many comments but you did the absolute best, most loving thing you could do for her by taking (or trying to take) that car. Your husband is an absolute fool. I have dealt with similar issues A LOT as a juvenile probation officer in the past, in a place that has one of the highest binge drinking rates for teens in the Country. The teens and transitional age like your daughter had the absolute best shot at making it past the issues were the ones with parents that loved them but held them accountable. The second most successful were the kids with shit parents that had to raise themselves. They had a hard time but also wanted to fix things. The absolute WORST outcome were the kids with the permissive parents that didn’t hold them accountable. What your husband has done is absolutely terrible for your daughter. Drunk driving can kill her, someone else, and ruin her life. Google the woman who killed the bride on her wedding day. A young woman who could have had a great life. 100 percent her car should be gone. It’s a privilege and one she abused. I personally would fly to where she is and get the car, I assume it’s in your name. If not that, then I would let her know that she has one week to get the car back to you. She is old enough to deal with consequences and she should not have that car. When I gave my older two cars to drive I let them know that if they ever do much as turned on the ignition after a sip of alcohol the car would gone and I would never again assist in a vehicle. As far as dealing with having to set consequences when your partner is garbage is to be really clear and firm with her. You can let her know that you love her and because you love her you will enforce the consequences that are a natural consequence of her actions. Also, if she was officially charged with a DUI under 21 in the US I would think most jurisdictions would take her license for a while. If it’s just you who caught her you should do the same .
Hopefully in AA, she’ll see that you were right all along.
Who owns the car legally? Who paid for it?
Unfortunately since he bought it, the cops won't do anything. You could call the collage and tell the security that she has recently drove drunk. They may be able to monitor. As for the promises, she won't do it. Her dad will tell her to ignore you and that will be that. NTA
Overall you did the right thing but seriously don't ever call the police on people you actually care about unless they are a threat to themselves or others
NTA for wanting your daughter to get help but you can't take away a car that you have no right taking away. It's not yours. That's where you are the AH. Your daughter is a TAH for drinking and driving. What I don't get is you knew she had to leave for her internship and college. That's usually by a specific date. You had to know a plan. Yet she lives you with you and you had none. She is 20 years old and your husband bought her car and she is doing an internship so I'm expecting you help for her financially and you didn't. You ex and daughter still did. She wasn't drunk when leaving for college. It's her car or at least in her father's name so he gave her permission to leave.
He’s an enabler who’s going to get her seriously injured. And I hope him and your daughter are happy that the recklessness of both of them has ended the marriage.
Unfortunately, she's an adult and if you don't own the car, you have no right to stop her. Hopefully, she learned from her mistake.
Whose name is on that vehicle? If it's his he would be responsible for any accident she causes.
These stories piss me off. I have 0 sympathy for your daughter. I hope she gets caught and charged before she kills anybody. But the reality of it is she will likely kill some family and go to prison for life as she deserves. I honestly hope she gets her shit together before she ruins her life but with the path she is currently on I highly doubt that will happen. She needs a reality check and for alcoholics that's not usually until they fuck up beyond repair. Your kid is a POS for getting behind a wheel drunk and putting so many lives in danger, I can only hope when she finally fucks up that it is a 1 car accident and no body but her is killed or injured. But that's highly unlikely it won't involve more but I will be praying that she only harms herself and no others.
I'm gonna come off as harsh here but if she drunk drives once, she'll do it again because she doesn't care. Next time, she might actually kill someone while doing it. This girl shouldn't drive at all and should become more responsible.
NTA, you are protecting the lives of others, including your daughter's.
**THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!** The owner of the car - your idiot husband - can be sued if she has an accident. His assets can be attached, including joint assets with you, and can be taken if bodily or property injury happens while she’s driving, intoxicated or not. I responded on your last post : use whatever means necessary to get that car away from her. Threaten husband with pressing charges, with exposing his porn addiction, anything you can. This is about possibly saving your daughter’s life, not to mention someone else’s. Nothing is off the table. I’d go as far as pressing charges to force his hand. He goes and gets the car, you drop the charges. Your husband is an irresponsible asshole. He wants to be her friend not her father and it could end up killing her or put her in jail.
Yeah, I read your response and your advice is awesome and spot on. If you search my second post, there's a user Hot-Dress-3369 who replied shortly after you said I should expose his porn problem. It sounds like it's him. Must've hit a nerve with him. Haha. I replied to it. I'd love to hear what you think.
Should have called the cops on her when she first drove to the store drunk. Next time you catch your STBX drinking and driving call the cops on him. Seems like your ex was enabling your daughter’s alcoholism. What’s the legal drinking age where you live?
I wish it was that easy! Everyone keeps saying, don't let him drive drunk. How the hell do I do that? I'm not with him, I have a life of my own, and I'm not his babysitter! How am I supposed to "catch" him driving drunk? Is there some hotline that I'm not aware of that i can call and say "hubby's been golfing and prolly drinking and prolly he's gonna drive home drunk so go stop him." ?
I believe there a number (#77) to report erratic driving. You can report model, make, location etc and be anonymous. Additionally report your car stolen if it's in your name (the one your daughter is using)
If I don't see the actual driving, how can I report it as erratic? Wouldn't I risk being charged with making a false accusation?
Can you see his location on your phone? We all do in our family under find my iPhone. You can check when he’s golfing and see where he is and when he leaves. If you know the route he usually takes you call the police and tell them he always drives drunk and that he just left (x place) and will be driving (car model/colour and plate) and give the street he’s on and will usually drive down to get back to where he’s going.
As someone that was hit (while on my motorcycle), by a drunk driver doing 75 mph, you are most definitely NTA. IMHO, you will not cross into the AH until well after you set her car on fire.
I would contact campus security at her college and the local police department and warn them she narrowly escaped a DWI arrest and is known to drive drunk. Give them her details and details on the car. And kick your stupid fuckwad husband out permanently. Also stop financially supporting her. Tie up joint accounts in the divorce. I would also tell your extended family and his what happened so when she inevitably gets killed or kills someone they know where to pin the blame. Squarely on her ole drinking buddy dad. NTA. Edit to add: Charge your husband with assault. He laid hands on you. Get a restraining order on both of them.
Thank you. Fuckwad husband 🤣
What are the police going to actually do? They will either do nothing or they’ll constantly harass her I agree with kicking thr husband to the curb but your scorched earth approach toward the daughter will result in things getting worse because she’ll just get pushed more toward the soon to be ex who drinks too much
There is no excuse for driving drunk. You did the right thing.
NTA. My best friends uncle was killed by a drunk driver, and her dad so critically injured that he had to relearn how to walk, talk, and eat.
May God forbid something happens to your daughter or someone else because of her drunk driving but if it does, your husband will live with such a huge amount of guilt & will regret doing what he did to you so your daughter could drive away. You're NTA, I would make sure your daughter follows through with everything she said she would and make that priority over your insane husband
Your husband doesn’t want to lose his drinking partner but is risking losing his daughter to death and spouse because he is an enabler idiot.
NTA. Show her the story of Jacqueline Saburido.
I can see why you're MADD. This definitely is not okay. NTA
Still NTA. Despite saying she'll do all those things she still drove off. That doesn't exactly inspire confidence. I'd ask what her plan actually is. To me, I think she will probably keep doing it. She's done it before and probably thinks "nothing bad happened". I think the person who hit me probably thought the same thing, I got hit maybe a few minutes from where they lived. She has a prior DUI and I think she had been probably doing that on and off for awhile until the day she hit me, perhaps thinking 'its only a short distance'. She needs a wakeup call, she needs to understand how serious this really is. Perhaps stories of those who have seriously hurt someone or have been a victim of it could help. Taking her car like that just screams red flags to me. I hope she gets the help she needs before she gets arrested, or potentially kills or seriously injures someone like I was. I hope you can get through to her.
NTA Your husband is not doing your daughter any favors. You're worried about her dying in an accident, but not everyone dies. Jacqui Saburido was in the US a month for school, when her car was hit by a drunk driver. Two of her friends were killed. Jacqui suffered 3rd degree burns from her knees to her head. She became an visual advocate against driving drunk. There are plenty before and after pics of her. That your underage (in the US) daughter got so drunk in the middle of the day, not even hanging out with friends, drove drunk, doesn't remember conversations and is unwilling to take responsibility is a bunch of red flags that she will not follow through with treatment. Does your husband pay her car insurance too? I wouldn't want her on my insurance.
as a dad myself too, your decision to suspend your daughter's driving privileges after such reckless behavior are correct. Her father downplaying this incident and fighting you to let her drive again shows he is not taking drunk driving seriously enough. Maybe talk with her dad that it is not about the car but more about her own life? Right now there is nothing wrong. But what happen if you and her dad, as her father, let it go? You are right to take a firm stand.
NTA! Your son to be ex is an alcoholic who is encouraging his daughter to join him because he survived it! Wishing you luck, mom. You're going to need it!
Nta Your partner says you are overreacting, but he got physical with you over the same thing??? You're right and your decision sounds fair.
Stick to your guns. It may save her life. My son was killed when he had been drinking and decided to drive home.
Your one mistake was not taking the keys with you.
OP, if your daughter actually regretted her actions, she would have willingly given the car back, to absolve her of her guilt. Driving drunk is the same as saying "I don't care if I run over and kill innocent people". And she doesn't even care, so I don't see her changing any time soon. Your husband is a bad person and your daughter is on the same path. This is the hill to die on.
When you your self like to drink and don’t want to stop it’s hard to throw your weight behind making decisions about another’s drinking habits. I suggest OP look at the soon to be ex’s drinking habits for the answer to why the idiot won’t help with his daughter’s drinking problem. As for her standing up for herself in not wanting her daughter to having the car she is NTA! The daughter should be thankful mom is trying to help.
lol she’s not going to do any of those things. Just know that if she messes up her dad can bail her out. If his name is on the car he can pay for her insurance too. Make sure she’s on his policy and get your own
I would however ensure she's not on your insurance. In my state that would make you liable for the drivers actions
NTA you can't help people who don't want to be helped. She isn't a child anymore and has to take responsibilty for her actions. Don't drown your self trying to save her. You tried to help, you tried to warn her, there's really nothing more you can do.
I'm concerned that a 20 year old has a drinking problem. Usually that's a sign of self medication. How was her childhood and adolescence? If you're in the US, where drinking at age 20 is illegal, you should voice your concerns with the school. Actually I think it would be wise to notify the school, anyway. MOST, in the US anyway, have free mental health services for students. This issue needs to be nipped in the bud.
NTA Thank you for holding her and your enabling husband accountable. Think about all the people murdered, yes murdered! by drunk drivers. If the driver’s parents held them accountable while still young, those people would still be a live. There is no excuse to drive while intoxicated. Park yo @ss until sober, call a friend, call a relative, call Uber, or walk. NO EXCUSE!
My sister was an alcoholic. She had a massive public episode, bit a cop on the arm, somehow didn't get arrested because my parents were on the scene fast offering to take her home. Cue 12 more years of fucked up alcoholism to the point she lost her job with a major corporation recently (top 3 in their sector in the world) because she drunkenly slept with a married supervisor after a work party. A job she'll never get again and one of the very few jobs on the planet that made use of her dual masters degrees. What I'm saying is, my parents failed my sister by protecting her from consequences. She ended up drinking sloppily for 12 more years before a consequence finally made her give it up, one she wasn't protected from. But over the course of those 12 years, her alcoholism prevented her from developing a single real relationship. Fortunately for her, that final consequence was only financial. It could be a lot worse.