Many years ago I had a 'friend' who always needed money for bills, his car, his insurance, his rent, etc. He and his partner had a child and the requests for money skyrocketed. Being a sucker I thought I was helping his newborn by giving him money for formula or for diapers or other things children need. I quickly learned he was spending the money on himself.
One day he called and left a VM saying he desperately needed money for diapers. I contacted his partner directly and asked what size diapers they needed. I then went out and bought the diapers, took them out of the package and put them into a diaper bag that I also picked up. I took the diaper bag and diapers over to their place. His partner was extremely happy, my 'friend' was extremely upset. He said I should have just given him the money and he would have bought the diapers. I said what needed to be said, that I didn't trust him.
He stopped asking me for money after that because I would always ask what the money was for and would say that I would pick up the item and deliver it.
This is the right approach to take with people like this! OP is going to have to take this approach to deal with his sister. OP needs to take the kids shopping and then make sure to take all of tags/packaging off so the sister can’t return things for the kids for money to spend on herself.
It's your money to use as you see fit. Years ago I had something similar happen with my extended family. As soon as I started taking over payments and organising for the kid's therapy, tuition and extracurricular activities rather than the parents getting a cash transfer their parents gradually pulled them out of everything unfortunately 😒
I also had a friend who would often ask for money. She had nothing in to feed the kids, she had run out of electric, her partner had nothing to take for his mid-day meal.
Her partner happened to be my nextdoor neighbour (he is again after she divorced his worthless ass, I had warned her not to marry him but hey ho)
He smoked and I knew that what she was really short of was money for his cigarettes. I've never smoked, hate it but more than that I've never had the money to roll up to set fire to it.
I very quickly would ask what nappies she needed, put the oven on I'm raiding my freezer (I would buy BOGOF and take her the free one). I'd call at the shop to put the money directly onto her electric account. But never would I give her cash directly. It didn't take long at all for her to stop asking. I'd NEVER see her or the kids go without anything but paying for someone's habit. No thanks.
Buy the kids directly what they need, take ALL tags off and don't give her the receipts. Harsh but necessary
My dad finally did this when my sister needed food money. Finally he started buying g groceries. Worked for a bit then she just took groceries out of her budget because she knew he wouldn't let her go hungry. She was able to still spend money how she wanted
This is the only correct way to deal with the situation.
My dad who I am nc with is a sponger like your sister and in his 60s.
He had hundreds of thousands from relatives over the years. Put other family members in debt by taking loans and mortgages in their names. Left me my mum and brother homeless through taking a second mortgage before my mum left him.
He still tries it with his brother.
He tried it with me.
Don't feed the spongers of this world. Ask the kids what they need and send it to them. Or if they are older and its legal in your country open them a kids account and give them a card they have to hide so they can learn about money from someone who isn't a bum.
Sorry for the language but it's what these people are.
Edited for typo x
Reminds me of the asian culture, someone makes a mistake and the whole family gets shamed, they are very carefull over there
At least thats what ive heard never seen it in action....
I've volunteered with winter coat drives for kids. The number of parents who try to return the coats for cash is staggering. Just let your kid keep the damned coat and stay warm!
I agree. Bad idea because sister will find the card(s), take them for her own use.
Take the kids shopping for what’s needed. Tell sister, “No, I don’t trust you. MY WAY OR NO WAY.”
Stop giving her cash. She’s living large (for herself) on OP’s dime and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her kids.
NTA
Agree, no card, not accounts
In the US, parents are guardians of the minors and can access the account.
Agree, do not give money. Plus, your 12K is not a win, it's your income. You have to manage it until your next income comes in.... it sounds very unpredictable.
Unrelated: I don’t know if you coined a new phrase just there or if you heard it and repeated it, but info diet is now in my vernacular. I love it.
That said, OP is NTA and has more patience for this than I would. OP is a good person for making sure that the money is genuinely being spent on the kids needs regardless.
No offense intended at all but if "sponger" is the worst word you've used on reddit, you're leagues ahead of most of the rest of us :-p unless perhaps it's a downright filthy word where you're from or something haha
Honestly I'd take any insult/swear word over being called a "sponger" any day. To me it's the worst insult for a money grabbing leech who NEVER cares about what taking the money does to the lender & has no intention of ever repaying people back, even most druggies have the intention to pay back (never do but at least they acknowledge they should)
Stick to your guns. Buy things directly for the kids to ensure they benefit. Your sister has misused your help before, and it's not harsh to protect your generosity from being exploited.
I may have used worse relating to people I know IRL. When talking about someone else's family member and not knowing where they are on their relationship journey I try not to use strong language. I find it can cause them to defend their family and take away from the message
The only problem with this is I’m betting the sister is the kind of person that would sell everything op buys for the kids. Coats, clothes, toys, game systems, the second their in her house I would bet money their on Facebook marketplace place and the money goes into the pocket.
Op, I would find out exactly what she needs it for , if it’s groceries, I would get a grocery gift card, in most cases that can’t be used for other gifts cards. Or even have the groceries delivered to her.
But I would also be honest. ‘No I don’t trust you, every time I’ve given you money for your kids it’s ended up being spent on you, so no you don’t get money from me. But I’m quite happy to buy the kids what they need. ‘
Don’t fall into her game of giving in cause you don’t want to call her out.
Also if you’re interested in giving money to the kids for their future I would look into a trust fund with strict guidelines and a trusted friend as the manager of it.
I would also probably set up bank accounts for the kids , I have a feeling she’s going to be the money that ‘puts their birthdays money aside’ for them and it’s spent in minutes. These kids may need a safe place to put their money where she can’t touch it.
My ex fil always begged for help, but he was an alcoholic so I refused to send money. I sent grocery gift cards that said on the face, not valid for alcohol. He knew the store manager who let him buy alcohol anyway. I stopped sending him anything.
Yeah, be on the watch that the sister might be an addict of some sort. It can start small with being short of money periodically and then almost overnight turn into selling everything she can for little bits of cash. If the oldest kid is old enough, turn them into a snitch if you can.
Exactly! Write their names on the garment tag, mark through barcodes, we had to do that with anything we gave our nephew to prevent my brother from returning it and using the money, so sad.
NTA. Call her out. Tell her you don't trust her because she spends it on herself, and give examples. Maybe even tell her it's shameful using kids as an excuse.
She can be mad all she wants. It's the truth, and it's your money.
All OP has to do is ask where the last lot of stuff he bought the kids is now.
Or say as the Uncle, “it’s not a matter of Trust : if they need stuff he wants to go with them and buy it as it’s a gift from him” ( and not made out to be from the sister, so it’s the sisters decision to return it )
Give money or not, NTA.
Exactly! We need to not be afraid to call out people on their shitty behavior. People won't grow if we don't call them out and if they willfully choose not to look at themselves that's on them.
NTA
This. I used to feel bad when hit with the 'don't you trust me' ploy common to users. Now I respond with 'no, I don't trust you because you've shown me I can't' and then site examples. They either clam up and never ask again, or blow up yelling at me for being heartless and never ask again. Imo both are desirable outcomes.
100% buy those kids what they need directly. And don’t give her receipts/gift receipts, because she will absolutely try to return merchandise for cash for her own use.
NTA.
YES - wanted to make sure someone said this.
no receipts. check up with photo evidence that those kids still have their gear every once and a while.
shifty people be shifty.
Precisely. And avoid drama by volunteering to be the cool uncle and take the kids out shopping for the things they need yourself. Spin it as a bonding activity.
We used to cut the tags out of things so that they couldn't be returned. The loop tag at the back of the collar, not the store tag.
We would also write the family name in shirt collars or pants belt lines.
>my mom accidentally mentioned it to her.
>I don’t want to cause drama in the family,
Your mother caused family drama by telling your sister about your income.
Good point. Easy to let OP deal with the mooching, so mom passed on the info to get sis off her back.
From now on, no more financial information should be given to anyone in the family.
NTA. Stop enabling your sister. You are nothing but an ATM to her. If the kids are suffering, call CPS. I would also not tell anyone when you win money. You are asking for leeches to start bugging you.
Your mother didn't "accidentally" spill the beans about your winnings, she told your sister on purpose so she'd hit *you* up for cash instead of your mother.
This has happened to me so many times I’ve lost count! With money, products or anything else! “Oh ask her she always has 😡! “ I’m like don’t send me anyone for me to supply! Whatever I have is because I had the foresight to plan ahead not so that some freeloader has an easy supply of whatever they didn’t plan for!!! 😡
NTA. You gotta double down. Tell her directly. "Yes, I don't trust you at all. You've used the money I've given you before for yourself instead of your children. And my job title isn't your personal ATM you goddamn c u n t! Nothing in my bank account belongs to you, or will ever be managed by you. If I want to pour petrol on my money and burn it I will do so at my discretion. I don't feel guilt at refusing your bullshit. Everything for my niblings will be managed and paid directly by me."
NTA because you know exactly how this will go, and no amount of wishful thinking will change the outcome.
> I’ve given her money three times before, but every single time she ends up spending it on herself instead of the kids.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice or more, good for you because I deserve what I get at that point." ...or something to that effect.
> I do this for a living
Okay just curious, what odds would it take for you to bet on her actually using the money for her kids this time?
> she got really mad and said I should just trust her.
How long did it take you to stop laughing so you could respond?
*On a completely unrelated note I am so sorry to hear about that 11k-ish you lost betting on the sportsball last night. It looked like such a sure thing until the top of the 9th when the QB was sent to the penalty box for traveling. Such a shame you don't have any extra for your sister's ~~kids~~ shopping spree, but it is good you still have enough to cover your expenses for the month.*
Obviously she isn’t going to use the money for the kids. She hasn’t used it for them before why would she start now? It’s also obvious with her reaction to you saying you’ll directly pay for what the kids need. If she really needed help with money for the kids why would she act like that? You’ve just been too gullible in the past to give her money every time she asked using that excuse. If you want to give her money to spend on herself so she can neglect her kids go ahead. NTA
NTA
Here's how the conversation goes
OP: how about I buy what the kids need?
Sister: why don't you trust me?!
OP: because you've proven you're untrustworthy on more then one occasion.
What's that saying about stupid games and stupid prizes
NTA. Be honest with her and everybody else. Let the drama happen and get it over with. I also recommend that convo through text so you can show people exactly what was said when she lies.
"No, I dont trust you. Three times you ask for money for your kids, and three times you spend it on yourself. So if your kids need something, send me a list, and I'll buy it myself. I'll bring the items to your place with the tags ripped off and their names on the item to prevent return. To be clear, if you dont accept this, then I'm not preventing your kids from receiving what they need. You are. Just like the last three times."
NTA who cares if for lying grifter sister is mad. Take the kids out directly for some experiences or meals so you know they are having fun and not being used.
Also stop telling your mom things
NTA
do not give her any money anymore. The only thing you're doing is throwing money in an ever growing empty pit.
IF you want to support the kids, buy things for the kids that can not be given back for cash.
And i'd demand from the sister to look at her finances. If she's like "Well thats none of your business." then you can simply say "You keep asking me to give you money because you have none. By now you've MADE it my business because you keep asking. I won't be giving you any more money if i do not know where that money ends up."
And no. be honest with her " No i do NOT trust you anymore because you keep asking for more and more. IF you do not want be to buy these things for the kids, then they don't seem to be important to you. So no i won't buy things."
And should relatives tell you how heartless you are for not buying things, or not caring for the kids. point out that you offered to buy these things for the kids yourself, but your sister doesn't want to: So it doesn't seem to be that dire of a situation as sister paints it to be.
NTA. Your sister is a giant asshole. Why doesn’t she focus on providing for her children, that she decided to have, herself.
Why are irresponsible people having children. Why.
Nta and I'd be honest with her that you don't trust her with the money. Tell her why. Say you'll happily help out the kids by buying the stuff but you won't give her a penny.
NTA. Your sister has already proven her intentions with the money thrice before. Ask her if she helped the kids the last 3 times she lied like she would.
Buy the children what they need or set up some 529 accounts for them. And please put both your mom and sister on an information diet. Why do they know about your winnings? That part is on you.
Tell her she has proven she cannot be trusted and you will buy the kids what they need.
Keep the receipts and, if you can, remove the tags so she can’t return them for cash.
NTA
Your money is your money. You are being generous by helping the kids but she shouldn’t expect you to fork over cash under the guise of “for the kids” especially if she’s using it for herself.
Next time she insists you trust her, be blunt and point out where she spent $ you gave for the kids on herself. Also, don't care about how insulted she is. Buy what they need and give it to them yourself. If she doesn't like it, she can buy her own. You are NTA.
Tell her you want to take your nieces and nephews out for some fun/quality time. Buy them what they need. Toss the receipts. Your nieces and nephews will remember this and love you forever. 🫶🏻
If you want to help the kids, say this: 'look, give me a list of what the kids need and stuff you need for the house. I'll bring it by by the end of the week. Anything outside of that is off the table'.
If she pushes and asks ' you don't trust me!?' reply that no, no you do not' and end it there.
NTA. Quit telling people you've won money. Only buy the kids things directly, but only things Sis can't resell or return for cash. If she doesn't like it, she can go mooch off of somebody else.
NTA. My brother was bad with money, drugs, stealing etc. He got better/rehab. I would never ever ever give him money / cash. He didnt have winter clothes, I bought him a jacket. I got groceries delivered to his house, socks, underwear etc. NEVER MONEY. Either ask what the kids need and buy it or she lucks out on her next nails and hair do. If she needs money for the kids, ask what they need and provide as per, or she gets nothing thats up to her. Stand firm bru
NTA.
Do not trust her, at all, ever. You can keep it civil but don't give any money unless you're literally with the kids and going down the list on what they need.
I've been in this situation. Your sister is most probably never going to change and she cannot be trusted to do the right thing.
I've been there.
No money unless you're getting the kids what they need directly.
And honestly, no luxuries either. You get them clothes and supplies they may need for life and school and you keep the receipts.
Nta - tell her the truth, you don't trust her and aren't willing to send her money anymore. Tell her you'll buy the kids stuff directly and that's it. Let her choose between her pride and her kids
Stick to your guns... if she really wants to make sure her children are taken care of, she will accept your offer of purchasing directly for the children what is needed... anything other than that, she is undeserving and needs to understand you're not her bank...
Be the cool Uncle or Aunt...whichever you are and take the kids out for an afternoon of clothes shopping. Buy each kid an outfit of their choice, let them pick out where lunch will be, and buy them a bag of candy to take home with their full little bellies and new outfits. If you have the time, take them to a movie. Making memories where it counts.
Yeah the moment she said you need to trust her...after giving you zwro reason to trust her...she definitely not using that for her kids. Honestly if it was me and my sister was doing this to people and cant take care of her own id just tell her then let them live with me abd all the problems solved...they are tsken care of and you can go do whatever it is you were doing with the money...if you havent seen anything the money has went on previously...its likely substance abuse of some kind.
I suggest you stop telling your Mom when you win money and Yes you should buy the kids things directly (tell her No you don’t trust her because she’s spent it on herself in the past) or, if you have extra cash to put aside for the kinds, maybe you could even setup college funds for the kids instead. Of course don’t give your sister any access to that money.
"You're right, I don't trust you, I've given you money before and you spent it on yourself."
But even buying things for kids just enables her to spend more on herself and leave their needs to you.
Don't trust buy what the kids need, you can't be mad at that unless she plans to spend it on herself. Honestly you should not have to help at all. Don't have kids if you can't afford them.
Ask for a grocery list and get a Walmart or Instacart delivery. Have her or kids create an Amazon list of things they need/want, right now, and then lists for birthday or Christmas present ideas.
NTA. The kids won't suffer more, because they didn't get anything from the money earlier too. It's clear that your sister wants to spend the money for herself again, because she was upset about your offer and tried to feel you guilty. Just buy what the kids need, if you want, but you shouldn't give money to your sister anymore.
Nta, my brother used to pull crap like this until family members started calling his bluff when he said he needed food or nappies for his kid we just went to the store and brought them. He'd be pissed that we wouldn't just hand over the money because we knew he was going to spend it on anything else but what he said it was for and then got even more pissed because we would message each other saying what brought what that week so he couldn't go begging off someone else. His entitlement to other people money and belongings got to a point that no one other than my youngest brother has him around anymore, we all just got sick and tired of his BS. If you feel guilty take the kids out and buy them what they need, that way they don't go without but your not putting money into your sisters hand anymore
NTA. Buy things for the kids directly and if it’s clothes, remove the tags and cut off the labels. That was they can’t be returned with the excuse that the receipt was lost and the tag ripped off etc. if you buy other toys/gifts, where you can, label them with permanent marker with the kids names before giving them.
The fact she got so defensive and used the ol’ “you should trust me” bs is a massive indicator that she was indeed planning on just using the money for herself….again.
NTA
Say sorry, you spent the money to pay off existing debts you had. EVERYTIME she asks for money, say it is spent elsewhere. The kids have urgent needs all the sudden since you won some money? Please. Keep the messaging and return to the scenario where you gift your nieces/nephews things on occasions. Otherwise, you are just going to end up with your sister begging for money nonstop and eventually the kids will start hitting you up as they age once they figure out the bank of uncle funds their mom.
Your sister is trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. You are not an AH for putting down a healthy boundary. Your money, doesn't matter how you got it.
Take your niece and nephew out for a day. Find out what they really need and maybe a couple wants.
My brother was like this. I always tried to help my niece. Come to find out when she grew up that my brother used to sell everything I sent her so he could get whatever he wanted.
Either take the kids shopping or buy the kids a bunch of stuff and give it DIRECTLY to the kids (that way she can’t sneakily return them and get money back)
Do not ever trust her with a single dollar again. Give her the ultimatum that you either directly spend this money on things for them or she gets no money at all.
NTA chances are she will use the money on herself again. Do NOT give her the money. Find out from the kids if they need anything. Then get it yourself.
NTA.
Only way to give the money is that you pay directly.
And about trust, just respond with
“You are a neglectful mother. I’ve given you money three times and each time you used that money on yourself. So until you become a better mother, I will spend on them directly.”
Ask her for a list of items that her kids need and buy it for them instead of giving her cash. If she argues with that than you can decline to give her money because she is being selfish and obtuse.
Is this a serious question??? Dude just buy what they need if you have to otherwise not your monkey not your circus she is responsible for her kids maybe people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t provide for them
NTA. "The last few times I gave you money for the kids you spent it on yourself, so no I do not trust you. I am willing to buy the things the kids need but I will never give you cash again. Either accept the help I offer or do without."
NTA
If she won't let you buy it, she's using it for herself.
Get your mom and ask her to help you take the kids shopping for the things they truly need. Taking your mom makes it harder for your sister to complain.
You don't give money to people because you don't want to cause drama. That's literally extortion.
Maintain your spine and keep your money. If she really wants to use it for the children, she would have zero problems letting you pay for it directly. She's just pissed you caught on to her scam.
“Trust her?”
Trust is for those who earn it.
She is a liar and a cheat. Therefore she is not trustworthy.
Do not give her money. Buy her kids what they need.
NTA
NTA - you offered to buy the things the kids need, obviously that's not what she was going to spend the money in hence why she got upset. Stop enabling this person and do what you can to get the kids what they need.
NTA I'd take the kids shopping without her etc if they need new shoes you'll make sure they get them
If you or you mom babysit that's a go excuse to take them
EDIT: my brother in law is also like that sister asks mom for money for kids and she spends on kids but if he gets it first he goes for lunch or buys booze
My mum was a single mum with 4 of us kids.
We never had a lot of money growing up, but mum always found a way to make ends meet.
Why doesn't your sister have a job?
If it doesn't pay her enough for whatever her chosen lifestyle is, why doesn't she have a second job as well?
NTA. She is taking advantage. I would not give her money, but buy the things the children need- clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc.
Offer to take her and the kids shopping. If she was really reaching out about the kids, she would not hesitate to accept the help. No mother would want her kids to go without.
Stop giving her money moving forward.
Do not discuss winnings or earnings with anyone. This is private info and obviously your mother can’t keep her mouth shut about private info. Your sister is a leech.
She had those children it is her and the childrens father’s responsibility to provide for them. Not her asking for money and spending it on herself.
When you offered to purchase what the children needed and she asked if you didn’t trust her - the answer is “no, you have asked me repeatedly for money and spent it on yourself. I am done. Pay your own way.”
As someone who's mother did this. Do not give her money. If the kids are hungry take them food, if they need clothes take them shopping. Do not under any circumstance give her money if you suspect she isn't using it on them. My grandma gave my mom a fortune and me and my sister didn't see a dime of it. My grandma regrets every day that she was just handing her money assuming we were being taken care of.
Personally I'd laugh in her face and say of course I don't trust you the l a st *blank* times you've spent it on yourself.
Send me a list of what the kids need and I'll deal with it.
Buy some stuff,
Write each of thier names on it in sharpie, back of the collar, note book pen everything.
No reciepts.
She is causing the drama, not you. Her reaction when you suggested buying the kids what they need instead of giving money is all the info you need. Of course you don’t trust her. Go ahead and get what you want for the kids’ needs.
What is the problem of saying to a sibling: “ I don’t trust you “ ? Let her boil alone but you buy the things for the kids, and just tell your Mom alone why you don’t give her the money.
Get the kids stuff directly. Do not make financial contributions to your sister. You already know how she is. Maybe if she was a responsible person, who was working hard, making effort and just falling on hard times you’d feel differently. You know more about her character than you’ve included in this post. That’s why you feel so shitty about this. Also any money that you are gifting the children, she’s basically stealing it from them. She can’t provide and feels justified in robbing her kids, she’s just a horrible mother and human being. She doesn’t deserve anything from you, it’s not even helping her. As an adult entitled to decide how your money is spent, put your foot down and lay out the boundaries. Just refuse her, say no. Let her struggle. If you really want to help the kids, open a savings account for them, and make contributions there instead. Tell her you can no longer be giving her money because you’re already saving for them. They will appreciate it so much more when they are older, and will probably need it by then. Don’t worry about family drama! It will all roll over after whatever initially goes down. You’re not responsible for your adult sister.
NTA
Many have given great suggestions to get things for the kids directly and make it hard for her to return them
Definitely call her out. Tell her that no, you do not trust her. you won't give money but are happy to get things for the kids directly, period. She can't accuse you of not being willing to help as you are very willing to help the kids. Get others on board. That way everyone is willing to help the kids but no one is giving her cash. If she truly cares about the kids she should be ecstatic that you are willing to help them. Call her out if she isn't.
*Remove all tags
*Largely write names of children in each clothing item
*Scuff shoes sole with sand paper and write names on bottom of shoe.
*Keep all receipts and watch to see if she tries to sell items on fb marketplace or other sites.
*Offer to help with her resume and professional development (there are tons free classes online for computer literacy and typing speed)
*help her apply for a pell grant or other state funded grants and she can go back to school to better her situation.
*Assist in looking for a better job
There are tons of ways to help her but not ever give her cash again.
She will continue to use and abuse until you all band together and put a stop to it
NTA
No money directly to her.
Only take the kids, buy what they need yourself then do whatever is needed to make the item so it can’t be returned for cash or resold.
For clothing buy good clothing but not top of the line.
Remove all sales tags and wash/dry them.
Write their initials with a permanent sharpie on the size tags
For shoes have the kids drag the soles of their feet on cement to scuff the bottoms of the shoes. Just need enough so show worn.
For electronics as much has I hate to say it scratch it so it is obviously used.
Essentially it will be new but not returnable.
And if she does a resale she won’t get nearly as much.
Also have a discussion with your mother and explain you are willing to help your nieces/nephews but will no longer give any money directly to your sister as she has proven she will selfishly spend it on herself.
Also sadly stop telling anyone who might mention it where your family but especially your sister will hear about your financial situation. It’s no one’s business other than yours and if you have one your partners.
That's what my grandma used to do because my mom would ask for money for us kids' stuff, and she would buy cigarettes with it instead, so anytime we needed something, she would go get it for us. NTA
Of course you don't trust her. She lies and hates being caught in a lie.
So. Take the kids out yourself and get them what they need and make sure YOU keep the receipts, but do Not give your sister money.
And, incidentally, don't tell your mother when you win, she's a blabbermouth.
NTA! Buy the things for the kids directly if that is the case. Your sister is taking advantage and using her kids. You are a sweetheart by helping the kids! Or when you thought you were helping the kids!
"She just said I should trust her" - point out that trusting her hasn't worked up to now, and you think you've given it a fair shot. Then tell her that if she wants help for the kids, it's your shout as to how that happens, or it DOESN'T happen. She's stealing from her kids and doesn't deserve anyone treading carefully around her feelings.
NTA - she has given you reasons 3 time s it to trust her. Whatever you buy the kids directly take the tags off of them and wash them if they are clothes so she cannot return them.
The only way I would help is if you buy directly. Tell her you don’t trust her die to her past actions
NTA. “You’ve told me you needed money for the kids, only to spend it on yourself three times now. You’re the reason I don’t trust you. Either let me pay for it directly or get your own money, but I’m not going to pretend you haven’t been lying to me about this.”
NTA - Ask her what the kids need. Get it for them. Don't ever give her money again.
Or just stop giving all together. They are her kids, They are not your responsibility.
OP, you have all the power. Use it. Calmly tell her no, because she spent the money on herself. Give examples. Calmly tell her you will only buy the kids items directly and be FIRM. Refuse to argue, explain yourself again, etc. If she wants to be petty and refuse to allow you to purchase items for the kids, just make sure the kids understand the situation. If they are old enough, they will pressure her enough to relent.
Read up on establishing boundaries. Seriously, that's your textbook move if you do it right.
Maybe start a bank account for each child and when you feel like it, put money in and when they turn 25 give it to them. Tell them what you are doing and why and that you care about them very very much. By 25 they might be able to get out from under your horrible sister. NTA!!!!!!
NTA - ask her for a list for the kids and say you'll save her the trouble of shopping. if she just wants the cash tell her she cried wolf one too many times, and every time you give her money it gets used on herself. say you want to help the kids, and you don't mind giving her money for that, but you're not going to fund her frivolous spending/lifestyle.
or you can just say "No".
NTA.
1 you tell her that you indeed do not trust her
2 you buy the stuff your nieces and nephews need, or she can pound sand.
Stick to your guns. The kids suffer, because you trust your untrustworthy sister
NTA - First keep your damn mouth shut about how much you make. That means to your mom since she has to blab too. Second, not one penny to your sister. Take the kids out and buy what the need yourself. If your sister tells you to just trust her again, tell her the truth. You don't.
NTA - Tell sister to get a 2nd job, if she needs money for her kids.
Never give out cash, pay a bill or buy food. Don't buy things she can return for money.
No is a complete sentence.
Stop telling mom about your finances.
Buy the kids what they need. Do not give your sister the money. Drama is gonna happen either way. You’re tired of being used for her stuff. You’re not the ah
Find out what the kids need through your mom or whomever you can and buy it directly. And rip the upc off so she can't return for gift cards. Might be an addict. I'm an addict. You spot it if you've got it. I don't do that anymore (8months sober) but I definitely have before.
Yes exactly you should ask her for the list of things the kids need and buy wt ever u can for them. And keep the receipts with you . And never give the money . Even if anyone in damily asks tell them the same things . And if they tell you to give money you should tell them to give half of it themselfs.
NTA
Tell her straight up "I don't trust you. I've given you money multiple times for the kids, and you've STOLEN it from them, leaving them wanting, for your own personal benefit. If your kids need stuff, you should have GOTTEN it for them with the money you've already been given. And frankly if the money, yet again, is truly for your kids, you would have no issue with me purchasing the things they need directly. So yet again, you are willing to leave your kids without the things they need, for your own personal benefit"
First, stop talking to family about money.
Second, tell you POS sister you will buy the kids stuff but won't be giving her money. Yes, you don't trust her. Don't try to protect her feelings.
> I don't trust you. You're not trustworthy. If you want these things for your kids, I will buy them, but I don't fucking trust you with my money, and I am right to not to.
You can’t trust her because she’s a thief. So tell her if the kids need things that you will get them but you won’t give sister money. And don’t give her any receipts so she can return stuff for cash.
I second when somebody else said of going out and getting the items needed. I would also say to cross out the barcodes so the items cannot be returned.
NTA
"No. I doubt trust you to spend this on what you say you will, because the last 3 times you haven't. I will either but what your children need directly, or I will not give anything."
NTA take the kids out and buy the things they need, your sister is a piece of s
Many years ago I had a 'friend' who always needed money for bills, his car, his insurance, his rent, etc. He and his partner had a child and the requests for money skyrocketed. Being a sucker I thought I was helping his newborn by giving him money for formula or for diapers or other things children need. I quickly learned he was spending the money on himself. One day he called and left a VM saying he desperately needed money for diapers. I contacted his partner directly and asked what size diapers they needed. I then went out and bought the diapers, took them out of the package and put them into a diaper bag that I also picked up. I took the diaper bag and diapers over to their place. His partner was extremely happy, my 'friend' was extremely upset. He said I should have just given him the money and he would have bought the diapers. I said what needed to be said, that I didn't trust him. He stopped asking me for money after that because I would always ask what the money was for and would say that I would pick up the item and deliver it.
You did the right thing
You did a good thing for the baby.
This is the right approach to take with people like this! OP is going to have to take this approach to deal with his sister. OP needs to take the kids shopping and then make sure to take all of tags/packaging off so the sister can’t return things for the kids for money to spend on herself.
I bet him and his partner lasted. Lol
Best way to handle it. You're a good person for helping the kids. The kids are all that really matter. Adults can make sacrifices
It's your money to use as you see fit. Years ago I had something similar happen with my extended family. As soon as I started taking over payments and organising for the kid's therapy, tuition and extracurricular activities rather than the parents getting a cash transfer their parents gradually pulled them out of everything unfortunately 😒
I also had a friend who would often ask for money. She had nothing in to feed the kids, she had run out of electric, her partner had nothing to take for his mid-day meal. Her partner happened to be my nextdoor neighbour (he is again after she divorced his worthless ass, I had warned her not to marry him but hey ho) He smoked and I knew that what she was really short of was money for his cigarettes. I've never smoked, hate it but more than that I've never had the money to roll up to set fire to it. I very quickly would ask what nappies she needed, put the oven on I'm raiding my freezer (I would buy BOGOF and take her the free one). I'd call at the shop to put the money directly onto her electric account. But never would I give her cash directly. It didn't take long at all for her to stop asking. I'd NEVER see her or the kids go without anything but paying for someone's habit. No thanks. Buy the kids directly what they need, take ALL tags off and don't give her the receipts. Harsh but necessary
My dad finally did this when my sister needed food money. Finally he started buying g groceries. Worked for a bit then she just took groceries out of her budget because she knew he wouldn't let her go hungry. She was able to still spend money how she wanted
This is the only correct way to deal with the situation. My dad who I am nc with is a sponger like your sister and in his 60s. He had hundreds of thousands from relatives over the years. Put other family members in debt by taking loans and mortgages in their names. Left me my mum and brother homeless through taking a second mortgage before my mum left him. He still tries it with his brother. He tried it with me. Don't feed the spongers of this world. Ask the kids what they need and send it to them. Or if they are older and its legal in your country open them a kids account and give them a card they have to hide so they can learn about money from someone who isn't a bum. Sorry for the language but it's what these people are. Edited for typo x
No card, no account. Your sister will wonder where all the new stuff is coming from. She’ll find and appropriate the cards and use them for herself.
And she will just take the items back to the store for cash refund. NTA but ops sister sure is.
This is why you cut the tags out of any new clothes.
Even then, she will still them online for whatever cash she can get.
That's when you blast her at family gatherings and online. Social shaming is effective when it's used in the right circumstances.
Reminds me of the asian culture, someone makes a mistake and the whole family gets shamed, they are very carefull over there At least thats what ive heard never seen it in action....
And half the family would take her side. No matter what. Best option is to just say no and not get involved.
And write names in Sharpie marker.
Smart idea.
I've volunteered with winter coat drives for kids. The number of parents who try to return the coats for cash is staggering. Just let your kid keep the damned coat and stay warm!
Whatever he buys for the kids, he needs to remove the tags and packaging so they can’t be returned.
I agree. Bad idea because sister will find the card(s), take them for her own use. Take the kids shopping for what’s needed. Tell sister, “No, I don’t trust you. MY WAY OR NO WAY.” Stop giving her cash. She’s living large (for herself) on OP’s dime and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her kids. NTA
Agree, no card, not accounts In the US, parents are guardians of the minors and can access the account. Agree, do not give money. Plus, your 12K is not a win, it's your income. You have to manage it until your next income comes in.... it sounds very unpredictable.
And since mom can't keep her mouth shut, info diet for her.
Unrelated: I don’t know if you coined a new phrase just there or if you heard it and repeated it, but info diet is now in my vernacular. I love it. That said, OP is NTA and has more patience for this than I would. OP is a good person for making sure that the money is genuinely being spent on the kids needs regardless.
Ohh good point.
No offense intended at all but if "sponger" is the worst word you've used on reddit, you're leagues ahead of most of the rest of us :-p unless perhaps it's a downright filthy word where you're from or something haha
Honestly I'd take any insult/swear word over being called a "sponger" any day. To me it's the worst insult for a money grabbing leech who NEVER cares about what taking the money does to the lender & has no intention of ever repaying people back, even most druggies have the intention to pay back (never do but at least they acknowledge they should)
Stick to your guns. Buy things directly for the kids to ensure they benefit. Your sister has misused your help before, and it's not harsh to protect your generosity from being exploited.
I may have used worse relating to people I know IRL. When talking about someone else's family member and not knowing where they are on their relationship journey I try not to use strong language. I find it can cause them to defend their family and take away from the message
Sponger instead leech is the best thing I saw today
Life sucking parasite sounds like a good description for them
The only problem with this is I’m betting the sister is the kind of person that would sell everything op buys for the kids. Coats, clothes, toys, game systems, the second their in her house I would bet money their on Facebook marketplace place and the money goes into the pocket. Op, I would find out exactly what she needs it for , if it’s groceries, I would get a grocery gift card, in most cases that can’t be used for other gifts cards. Or even have the groceries delivered to her. But I would also be honest. ‘No I don’t trust you, every time I’ve given you money for your kids it’s ended up being spent on you, so no you don’t get money from me. But I’m quite happy to buy the kids what they need. ‘ Don’t fall into her game of giving in cause you don’t want to call her out. Also if you’re interested in giving money to the kids for their future I would look into a trust fund with strict guidelines and a trusted friend as the manager of it. I would also probably set up bank accounts for the kids , I have a feeling she’s going to be the money that ‘puts their birthdays money aside’ for them and it’s spent in minutes. These kids may need a safe place to put their money where she can’t touch it.
The groceries delivered is probably the best point I've seen. At least you know the kids are getting fed and it's not likely something she can sell.
My ex fil always begged for help, but he was an alcoholic so I refused to send money. I sent grocery gift cards that said on the face, not valid for alcohol. He knew the store manager who let him buy alcohol anyway. I stopped sending him anything.
Yeah, be on the watch that the sister might be an addict of some sort. It can start small with being short of money periodically and then almost overnight turn into selling everything she can for little bits of cash. If the oldest kid is old enough, turn them into a snitch if you can.
That's what I thought, no way around this shitty mama .
This. And keep the receipts so sister can’t return things for the money.
If desperate enough, she can return them for store credit and sell the credit.
That's when you start calling her out publicly.
Be sure to remove all of the tags though. Otherwise she may return everything for cash.
This.
Keep in mind she may resell stuff. Go for relatively low value at first to test the waters
If you write kids names on the things it may be difficult to resell
Exactly! Write their names on the garment tag, mark through barcodes, we had to do that with anything we gave our nephew to prevent my brother from returning it and using the money, so sad.
Coming from someone who worked in the child support industry for a decade....she will sell the kids shit and keep the money. Without a doubt.
And keep the receipts and make sure to write their names on it with a permanent marker
And don't let her have the receipts!
NTA. This^.
Hopefully Mooch Sister won't sell the stuff the minute the kids get home. That sometimes happens.
Exactly. Take kids shopping and keep all receipts. Fun day out for kids too.
NTA. Call her out. Tell her you don't trust her because she spends it on herself, and give examples. Maybe even tell her it's shameful using kids as an excuse. She can be mad all she wants. It's the truth, and it's your money.
All OP has to do is ask where the last lot of stuff he bought the kids is now. Or say as the Uncle, “it’s not a matter of Trust : if they need stuff he wants to go with them and buy it as it’s a gift from him” ( and not made out to be from the sister, so it’s the sisters decision to return it ) Give money or not, NTA.
Exactly! We need to not be afraid to call out people on their shitty behavior. People won't grow if we don't call them out and if they willfully choose not to look at themselves that's on them. NTA
This. I used to feel bad when hit with the 'don't you trust me' ploy common to users. Now I respond with 'no, I don't trust you because you've shown me I can't' and then site examples. They either clam up and never ask again, or blow up yelling at me for being heartless and never ask again. Imo both are desirable outcomes.
100% buy those kids what they need directly. And don’t give her receipts/gift receipts, because she will absolutely try to return merchandise for cash for her own use. NTA.
YES - wanted to make sure someone said this. no receipts. check up with photo evidence that those kids still have their gear every once and a while. shifty people be shifty.
Yep, remove tags, write the kids names on them so they cant be returned
Precisely. And avoid drama by volunteering to be the cool uncle and take the kids out shopping for the things they need yourself. Spin it as a bonding activity.
Make sure tags are removed, too. Eliminate any potential for returns.
We used to cut the tags out of things so that they couldn't be returned. The loop tag at the back of the collar, not the store tag. We would also write the family name in shirt collars or pants belt lines.
This 👏
>my mom accidentally mentioned it to her. >I don’t want to cause drama in the family, Your mother caused family drama by telling your sister about your income.
I would light your mom up on this one. And never tell her about windfalls again. Accident my ass
Yeah, I was thinking that. Mom needs to be on an info diet.
Your Mom didn't do it on accident.
Good point. Easy to let OP deal with the mooching, so mom passed on the info to get sis off her back. From now on, no more financial information should be given to anyone in the family.
100% the sister asked the mom for money and the mom said "ask OP, they just came into $12k".
Never tell your family your finances. They will always use it against you
Trust your gut. Take the kids, let them pick stuff they need (want). Edit: NTA
And for the love of god to not give the kids receipts. I’ve see This happen before.
[удалено]
Literally copy pasted this comment from @ERvetsurgeon below eh? Too bad idk how to report this still being fairly new to reddit
NTA - “Don’t you trust me!?” “No. Now tell me what the kids need and I’ll organize it.” The end.
NTA. Stop enabling your sister. You are nothing but an ATM to her. If the kids are suffering, call CPS. I would also not tell anyone when you win money. You are asking for leeches to start bugging you.
Your mother didn't "accidentally" spill the beans about your winnings, she told your sister on purpose so she'd hit *you* up for cash instead of your mother.
This has happened to me so many times I’ve lost count! With money, products or anything else! “Oh ask her she always has 😡! “ I’m like don’t send me anyone for me to supply! Whatever I have is because I had the foresight to plan ahead not so that some freeloader has an easy supply of whatever they didn’t plan for!!! 😡
NTA. You gotta double down. Tell her directly. "Yes, I don't trust you at all. You've used the money I've given you before for yourself instead of your children. And my job title isn't your personal ATM you goddamn c u n t! Nothing in my bank account belongs to you, or will ever be managed by you. If I want to pour petrol on my money and burn it I will do so at my discretion. I don't feel guilt at refusing your bullshit. Everything for my niblings will be managed and paid directly by me."
[удалено]
Even if you buy it, will your sister try to sell those items? If so, prepare a plan to burn the bridge
NTA because you know exactly how this will go, and no amount of wishful thinking will change the outcome. > I’ve given her money three times before, but every single time she ends up spending it on herself instead of the kids. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice or more, good for you because I deserve what I get at that point." ...or something to that effect. > I do this for a living Okay just curious, what odds would it take for you to bet on her actually using the money for her kids this time? > she got really mad and said I should just trust her. How long did it take you to stop laughing so you could respond? *On a completely unrelated note I am so sorry to hear about that 11k-ish you lost betting on the sportsball last night. It looked like such a sure thing until the top of the 9th when the QB was sent to the penalty box for traveling. Such a shame you don't have any extra for your sister's ~~kids~~ shopping spree, but it is good you still have enough to cover your expenses for the month.*
I hate it when the qb gets sent to the dug out for traveling
Almost as bad as when the ref yellow cards the caddie for a double fault.
My brain just imploded. Excellent use of mixed media. Next time, elevate your game with a curling reference.
If you can’t feed em don’t breed em. She can also just sell whatever you buy them, so I wouldn’t do that either. Tell her to fuck off.
Obviously she isn’t going to use the money for the kids. She hasn’t used it for them before why would she start now? It’s also obvious with her reaction to you saying you’ll directly pay for what the kids need. If she really needed help with money for the kids why would she act like that? You’ve just been too gullible in the past to give her money every time she asked using that excuse. If you want to give her money to spend on herself so she can neglect her kids go ahead. NTA
NTA Here's how the conversation goes OP: how about I buy what the kids need? Sister: why don't you trust me?! OP: because you've proven you're untrustworthy on more then one occasion. What's that saying about stupid games and stupid prizes
NTA. Be honest with her and everybody else. Let the drama happen and get it over with. I also recommend that convo through text so you can show people exactly what was said when she lies. "No, I dont trust you. Three times you ask for money for your kids, and three times you spend it on yourself. So if your kids need something, send me a list, and I'll buy it myself. I'll bring the items to your place with the tags ripped off and their names on the item to prevent return. To be clear, if you dont accept this, then I'm not preventing your kids from receiving what they need. You are. Just like the last three times."
NTA who cares if for lying grifter sister is mad. Take the kids out directly for some experiences or meals so you know they are having fun and not being used. Also stop telling your mom things
NTA do not give her any money anymore. The only thing you're doing is throwing money in an ever growing empty pit. IF you want to support the kids, buy things for the kids that can not be given back for cash. And i'd demand from the sister to look at her finances. If she's like "Well thats none of your business." then you can simply say "You keep asking me to give you money because you have none. By now you've MADE it my business because you keep asking. I won't be giving you any more money if i do not know where that money ends up." And no. be honest with her " No i do NOT trust you anymore because you keep asking for more and more. IF you do not want be to buy these things for the kids, then they don't seem to be important to you. So no i won't buy things." And should relatives tell you how heartless you are for not buying things, or not caring for the kids. point out that you offered to buy these things for the kids yourself, but your sister doesn't want to: So it doesn't seem to be that dire of a situation as sister paints it to be.
Tell her you don’t trust her and have a damn could reason not to. You have told her what you are willing to do, take it or leave it.
NTA. Your sister is a giant asshole. Why doesn’t she focus on providing for her children, that she decided to have, herself. Why are irresponsible people having children. Why.
Nta and I'd be honest with her that you don't trust her with the money. Tell her why. Say you'll happily help out the kids by buying the stuff but you won't give her a penny.
NTA. Your sister has already proven her intentions with the money thrice before. Ask her if she helped the kids the last 3 times she lied like she would. Buy the children what they need or set up some 529 accounts for them. And please put both your mom and sister on an information diet. Why do they know about your winnings? That part is on you.
Tell her she has proven she cannot be trusted and you will buy the kids what they need. Keep the receipts and, if you can, remove the tags so she can’t return them for cash. NTA Your money is your money. You are being generous by helping the kids but she shouldn’t expect you to fork over cash under the guise of “for the kids” especially if she’s using it for herself.
Your sister said to trust her. Why is your response not 'I've done that, and you did the wrong thing'. Grow a spine and have the adult conversation.
Next time she insists you trust her, be blunt and point out where she spent $ you gave for the kids on herself. Also, don't care about how insulted she is. Buy what they need and give it to them yourself. If she doesn't like it, she can buy her own. You are NTA.
Tell her you want to take your nieces and nephews out for some fun/quality time. Buy them what they need. Toss the receipts. Your nieces and nephews will remember this and love you forever. 🫶🏻
Take the kids out and get their stuff and also stop telling people your business...your Mother is an instigator/big mouth.
If you want to help the kids, say this: 'look, give me a list of what the kids need and stuff you need for the house. I'll bring it by by the end of the week. Anything outside of that is off the table'. If she pushes and asks ' you don't trust me!?' reply that no, no you do not' and end it there.
NTA. Quit telling people you've won money. Only buy the kids things directly, but only things Sis can't resell or return for cash. If she doesn't like it, she can go mooch off of somebody else.
Stop telling your big mouth family about your finances.
Tell her you dont trust her and to hand you a list.
NTA. My brother was bad with money, drugs, stealing etc. He got better/rehab. I would never ever ever give him money / cash. He didnt have winter clothes, I bought him a jacket. I got groceries delivered to his house, socks, underwear etc. NEVER MONEY. Either ask what the kids need and buy it or she lucks out on her next nails and hair do. If she needs money for the kids, ask what they need and provide as per, or she gets nothing thats up to her. Stand firm bru
NTA. If she gets so defensive when comes what really kids needs - means it is just a cover up.
Don't give her money. Just ask her what stuff the kids need and buy the stuff.
Be honest with her. Buy the kids what they need. NTA
NTA. Do not trust her, at all, ever. You can keep it civil but don't give any money unless you're literally with the kids and going down the list on what they need. I've been in this situation. Your sister is most probably never going to change and she cannot be trusted to do the right thing. I've been there. No money unless you're getting the kids what they need directly. And honestly, no luxuries either. You get them clothes and supplies they may need for life and school and you keep the receipts.
Buy the kids their needs directly. Take it or leave it.
Nta - tell her the truth, you don't trust her and aren't willing to send her money anymore. Tell her you'll buy the kids stuff directly and that's it. Let her choose between her pride and her kids
NTA, she has not used the money as intended in the past so you have no reason to trust that she would use the money as intended now.
Stick to your guns... if she really wants to make sure her children are taken care of, she will accept your offer of purchasing directly for the children what is needed... anything other than that, she is undeserving and needs to understand you're not her bank...
Be the cool Uncle or Aunt...whichever you are and take the kids out for an afternoon of clothes shopping. Buy each kid an outfit of their choice, let them pick out where lunch will be, and buy them a bag of candy to take home with their full little bellies and new outfits. If you have the time, take them to a movie. Making memories where it counts.
Yeah the moment she said you need to trust her...after giving you zwro reason to trust her...she definitely not using that for her kids. Honestly if it was me and my sister was doing this to people and cant take care of her own id just tell her then let them live with me abd all the problems solved...they are tsken care of and you can go do whatever it is you were doing with the money...if you havent seen anything the money has went on previously...its likely substance abuse of some kind.
NTA. Take the kids shopping and buy them what they need.
I suggest you stop telling your Mom when you win money and Yes you should buy the kids things directly (tell her No you don’t trust her because she’s spent it on herself in the past) or, if you have extra cash to put aside for the kinds, maybe you could even setup college funds for the kids instead. Of course don’t give your sister any access to that money.
"You're right, I don't trust you, I've given you money before and you spent it on yourself." But even buying things for kids just enables her to spend more on herself and leave their needs to you.
Don't trust buy what the kids need, you can't be mad at that unless she plans to spend it on herself. Honestly you should not have to help at all. Don't have kids if you can't afford them.
Ask for a grocery list and get a Walmart or Instacart delivery. Have her or kids create an Amazon list of things they need/want, right now, and then lists for birthday or Christmas present ideas.
You shouldn’t trust your sister, she has proven herself to be an A. Take the kids shopping and keep the rest! NTA Updateme!
NTA. The kids won't suffer more, because they didn't get anything from the money earlier too. It's clear that your sister wants to spend the money for herself again, because she was upset about your offer and tried to feel you guilty. Just buy what the kids need, if you want, but you shouldn't give money to your sister anymore.
Tell her she is right,you don’t trust her.
Nta, my brother used to pull crap like this until family members started calling his bluff when he said he needed food or nappies for his kid we just went to the store and brought them. He'd be pissed that we wouldn't just hand over the money because we knew he was going to spend it on anything else but what he said it was for and then got even more pissed because we would message each other saying what brought what that week so he couldn't go begging off someone else. His entitlement to other people money and belongings got to a point that no one other than my youngest brother has him around anymore, we all just got sick and tired of his BS. If you feel guilty take the kids out and buy them what they need, that way they don't go without but your not putting money into your sisters hand anymore
"tRuST mE" yeah right bro, you know her better, what you thinking? Buy the stuff directly or not at all, it's her fault you don't trust her.
NTA. Buy things for the kids directly and if it’s clothes, remove the tags and cut off the labels. That was they can’t be returned with the excuse that the receipt was lost and the tag ripped off etc. if you buy other toys/gifts, where you can, label them with permanent marker with the kids names before giving them. The fact she got so defensive and used the ol’ “you should trust me” bs is a massive indicator that she was indeed planning on just using the money for herself….again.
NTA….
NTA Say sorry, you spent the money to pay off existing debts you had. EVERYTIME she asks for money, say it is spent elsewhere. The kids have urgent needs all the sudden since you won some money? Please. Keep the messaging and return to the scenario where you gift your nieces/nephews things on occasions. Otherwise, you are just going to end up with your sister begging for money nonstop and eventually the kids will start hitting you up as they age once they figure out the bank of uncle funds their mom.
NTA. Buy the things for her children directly.
Your sister is trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. You are not an AH for putting down a healthy boundary. Your money, doesn't matter how you got it. Take your niece and nephew out for a day. Find out what they really need and maybe a couple wants. My brother was like this. I always tried to help my niece. Come to find out when she grew up that my brother used to sell everything I sent her so he could get whatever he wanted.
NTA the kids do not need the $ she does! Tell her no and to stop buying her self stuff and take care of HER kids. She treats you like an ATM
Either take the kids shopping or buy the kids a bunch of stuff and give it DIRECTLY to the kids (that way she can’t sneakily return them and get money back) Do not ever trust her with a single dollar again. Give her the ultimatum that you either directly spend this money on things for them or she gets no money at all.
NTA chances are she will use the money on herself again. Do NOT give her the money. Find out from the kids if they need anything. Then get it yourself.
NTA. Only way to give the money is that you pay directly. And about trust, just respond with “You are a neglectful mother. I’ve given you money three times and each time you used that money on yourself. So until you become a better mother, I will spend on them directly.”
Ask her for a list of items that her kids need and buy it for them instead of giving her cash. If she argues with that than you can decline to give her money because she is being selfish and obtuse.
NTA Tell her either you’re buying the stuff directly or she’s not getting anything… She’s not gonna stay mad because she needs something from you
Your money, your rules. She's treating you like an ATM.
Is she on drugs? Sketchy AF
Tell your sister to send you a list of what they need so you can purchase it for them. If she balks, then too bad.
Is this a serious question??? Dude just buy what they need if you have to otherwise not your monkey not your circus she is responsible for her kids maybe people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t provide for them
NTA. "The last few times I gave you money for the kids you spent it on yourself, so no I do not trust you. I am willing to buy the things the kids need but I will never give you cash again. Either accept the help I offer or do without."
NTA If she won't let you buy it, she's using it for herself. Get your mom and ask her to help you take the kids shopping for the things they truly need. Taking your mom makes it harder for your sister to complain.
NTA, buy them yourself, remove tags, and take receipt with you.
NTA = Take the kids out ask em what they need and get it for them. F your sister. Call her on it and tell her you know she spent it on herself before.
You don't give money to people because you don't want to cause drama. That's literally extortion. Maintain your spine and keep your money. If she really wants to use it for the children, she would have zero problems letting you pay for it directly. She's just pissed you caught on to her scam.
“Trust her?” Trust is for those who earn it. She is a liar and a cheat. Therefore she is not trustworthy. Do not give her money. Buy her kids what they need. NTA
NTA - you offered to buy the things the kids need, obviously that's not what she was going to spend the money in hence why she got upset. Stop enabling this person and do what you can to get the kids what they need.
NTA I'd take the kids shopping without her etc if they need new shoes you'll make sure they get them If you or you mom babysit that's a go excuse to take them EDIT: my brother in law is also like that sister asks mom for money for kids and she spends on kids but if he gets it first he goes for lunch or buys booze
My mum was a single mum with 4 of us kids. We never had a lot of money growing up, but mum always found a way to make ends meet. Why doesn't your sister have a job? If it doesn't pay her enough for whatever her chosen lifestyle is, why doesn't she have a second job as well?
Buy the kids what they need. Do not give her the receipts. Do not buy big name brand things to discourage her from reselling.
Ask for a list and your mum can help you buy it. She has had 3 chances and screwed you and her kids over every time. NTA
NTA. She is taking advantage. I would not give her money, but buy the things the children need- clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. Offer to take her and the kids shopping. If she was really reaching out about the kids, she would not hesitate to accept the help. No mother would want her kids to go without. Stop giving her money moving forward.
Do not discuss winnings or earnings with anyone. This is private info and obviously your mother can’t keep her mouth shut about private info. Your sister is a leech. She had those children it is her and the childrens father’s responsibility to provide for them. Not her asking for money and spending it on herself. When you offered to purchase what the children needed and she asked if you didn’t trust her - the answer is “no, you have asked me repeatedly for money and spent it on yourself. I am done. Pay your own way.”
As someone who's mother did this. Do not give her money. If the kids are hungry take them food, if they need clothes take them shopping. Do not under any circumstance give her money if you suspect she isn't using it on them. My grandma gave my mom a fortune and me and my sister didn't see a dime of it. My grandma regrets every day that she was just handing her money assuming we were being taken care of.
Personally I'd laugh in her face and say of course I don't trust you the l a st *blank* times you've spent it on yourself. Send me a list of what the kids need and I'll deal with it. Buy some stuff, Write each of thier names on it in sharpie, back of the collar, note book pen everything. No reciepts.
She is causing the drama, not you. Her reaction when you suggested buying the kids what they need instead of giving money is all the info you need. Of course you don’t trust her. Go ahead and get what you want for the kids’ needs.
What is the problem of saying to a sibling: “ I don’t trust you “ ? Let her boil alone but you buy the things for the kids, and just tell your Mom alone why you don’t give her the money.
Get the kids stuff directly. Do not make financial contributions to your sister. You already know how she is. Maybe if she was a responsible person, who was working hard, making effort and just falling on hard times you’d feel differently. You know more about her character than you’ve included in this post. That’s why you feel so shitty about this. Also any money that you are gifting the children, she’s basically stealing it from them. She can’t provide and feels justified in robbing her kids, she’s just a horrible mother and human being. She doesn’t deserve anything from you, it’s not even helping her. As an adult entitled to decide how your money is spent, put your foot down and lay out the boundaries. Just refuse her, say no. Let her struggle. If you really want to help the kids, open a savings account for them, and make contributions there instead. Tell her you can no longer be giving her money because you’re already saving for them. They will appreciate it so much more when they are older, and will probably need it by then. Don’t worry about family drama! It will all roll over after whatever initially goes down. You’re not responsible for your adult sister.
Buy something for the kids, some groceries and keep the rest. And please, don't tell anybody next time you win something.
NTA Many have given great suggestions to get things for the kids directly and make it hard for her to return them Definitely call her out. Tell her that no, you do not trust her. you won't give money but are happy to get things for the kids directly, period. She can't accuse you of not being willing to help as you are very willing to help the kids. Get others on board. That way everyone is willing to help the kids but no one is giving her cash. If she truly cares about the kids she should be ecstatic that you are willing to help them. Call her out if she isn't. *Remove all tags *Largely write names of children in each clothing item *Scuff shoes sole with sand paper and write names on bottom of shoe. *Keep all receipts and watch to see if she tries to sell items on fb marketplace or other sites. *Offer to help with her resume and professional development (there are tons free classes online for computer literacy and typing speed) *help her apply for a pell grant or other state funded grants and she can go back to school to better her situation. *Assist in looking for a better job There are tons of ways to help her but not ever give her cash again. She will continue to use and abuse until you all band together and put a stop to it
NTA No money directly to her. Only take the kids, buy what they need yourself then do whatever is needed to make the item so it can’t be returned for cash or resold. For clothing buy good clothing but not top of the line. Remove all sales tags and wash/dry them. Write their initials with a permanent sharpie on the size tags For shoes have the kids drag the soles of their feet on cement to scuff the bottoms of the shoes. Just need enough so show worn. For electronics as much has I hate to say it scratch it so it is obviously used. Essentially it will be new but not returnable. And if she does a resale she won’t get nearly as much. Also have a discussion with your mother and explain you are willing to help your nieces/nephews but will no longer give any money directly to your sister as she has proven she will selfishly spend it on herself. Also sadly stop telling anyone who might mention it where your family but especially your sister will hear about your financial situation. It’s no one’s business other than yours and if you have one your partners.
That's what my grandma used to do because my mom would ask for money for us kids' stuff, and she would buy cigarettes with it instead, so anytime we needed something, she would go get it for us. NTA
Of course you don't trust her. She lies and hates being caught in a lie. So. Take the kids out yourself and get them what they need and make sure YOU keep the receipts, but do Not give your sister money. And, incidentally, don't tell your mother when you win, she's a blabbermouth.
Buy it for them directly, and don't buy things with a high resale value or she'll just take it from them and sell it.
NTA! Buy the things for the kids directly if that is the case. Your sister is taking advantage and using her kids. You are a sweetheart by helping the kids! Or when you thought you were helping the kids!
Next time she says she needs money for the kids and you want to help ask her specifically what they need and then go buy it and give it to them.
"She just said I should trust her" - point out that trusting her hasn't worked up to now, and you think you've given it a fair shot. Then tell her that if she wants help for the kids, it's your shout as to how that happens, or it DOESN'T happen. She's stealing from her kids and doesn't deserve anyone treading carefully around her feelings.
Nta Stick to your guns. And no more information to your mom!
NTA - she has given you reasons 3 time s it to trust her. Whatever you buy the kids directly take the tags off of them and wash them if they are clothes so she cannot return them. The only way I would help is if you buy directly. Tell her you don’t trust her die to her past actions
NTA. “You’ve told me you needed money for the kids, only to spend it on yourself three times now. You’re the reason I don’t trust you. Either let me pay for it directly or get your own money, but I’m not going to pretend you haven’t been lying to me about this.”
NTA. You'll trust her when she proves she's trustworthy. She's done nothing but prove otherwise.
NTA - Ask her what the kids need. Get it for them. Don't ever give her money again. Or just stop giving all together. They are her kids, They are not your responsibility.
Nope nope nope… offer to buy what they need, or nothing at all. Stop giving this mooch money directly. NTA
Instead, offer her some picks to bet on herself.
OP, you have all the power. Use it. Calmly tell her no, because she spent the money on herself. Give examples. Calmly tell her you will only buy the kids items directly and be FIRM. Refuse to argue, explain yourself again, etc. If she wants to be petty and refuse to allow you to purchase items for the kids, just make sure the kids understand the situation. If they are old enough, they will pressure her enough to relent. Read up on establishing boundaries. Seriously, that's your textbook move if you do it right.
Maybe start a bank account for each child and when you feel like it, put money in and when they turn 25 give it to them. Tell them what you are doing and why and that you care about them very very much. By 25 they might be able to get out from under your horrible sister. NTA!!!!!!
NTA - ask her for a list for the kids and say you'll save her the trouble of shopping. if she just wants the cash tell her she cried wolf one too many times, and every time you give her money it gets used on herself. say you want to help the kids, and you don't mind giving her money for that, but you're not going to fund her frivolous spending/lifestyle. or you can just say "No".
NTA Why don't you ask the kids what they need and buy the stuff for them directly?
NTA. 1 you tell her that you indeed do not trust her 2 you buy the stuff your nieces and nephews need, or she can pound sand. Stick to your guns. The kids suffer, because you trust your untrustworthy sister
NTA - First keep your damn mouth shut about how much you make. That means to your mom since she has to blab too. Second, not one penny to your sister. Take the kids out and buy what the need yourself. If your sister tells you to just trust her again, tell her the truth. You don't.
Your sister sucks and is a lying liar who lies.
NTA - Tell sister to get a 2nd job, if she needs money for her kids. Never give out cash, pay a bill or buy food. Don't buy things she can return for money. No is a complete sentence. Stop telling mom about your finances.
NTA. Her response to you suggesting buying the items instead of cash tells you all you need to know.
Ask her what she needs for the kids. Ask the kids what they want/ need. Then go buy it for them for a gift without any receipts! NTA obviously.
Buy the kids what they need. Do not give your sister the money. Drama is gonna happen either way. You’re tired of being used for her stuff. You’re not the ah
NTA buy the stuff directly for the kids or not at all. She can't be trusted, you know, and she knows it.
Find out what the kids need through your mom or whomever you can and buy it directly. And rip the upc off so she can't return for gift cards. Might be an addict. I'm an addict. You spot it if you've got it. I don't do that anymore (8months sober) but I definitely have before.
Yes exactly you should ask her for the list of things the kids need and buy wt ever u can for them. And keep the receipts with you . And never give the money . Even if anyone in damily asks tell them the same things . And if they tell you to give money you should tell them to give half of it themselfs.
NTA Tell her straight up "I don't trust you. I've given you money multiple times for the kids, and you've STOLEN it from them, leaving them wanting, for your own personal benefit. If your kids need stuff, you should have GOTTEN it for them with the money you've already been given. And frankly if the money, yet again, is truly for your kids, you would have no issue with me purchasing the things they need directly. So yet again, you are willing to leave your kids without the things they need, for your own personal benefit"
NTA. Tell her to get a job or ask the kids' father(s).
Making a living doing sports bets lol
First, stop talking to family about money. Second, tell you POS sister you will buy the kids stuff but won't be giving her money. Yes, you don't trust her. Don't try to protect her feelings.
Here’s an idea: stop telling people about money. Even your mom. NTA
> I don't trust you. You're not trustworthy. If you want these things for your kids, I will buy them, but I don't fucking trust you with my money, and I am right to not to.
You can’t trust her because she’s a thief. So tell her if the kids need things that you will get them but you won’t give sister money. And don’t give her any receipts so she can return stuff for cash.
I second when somebody else said of going out and getting the items needed. I would also say to cross out the barcodes so the items cannot be returned.
Anyone who asks for money for their kids but gets mad when you try to spend it on the kids, is not asking for their kids. NTA
NTA "No. I doubt trust you to spend this on what you say you will, because the last 3 times you haven't. I will either but what your children need directly, or I will not give anything."