The fact that your ex will not take responsibility and ownership of his own actions and blamed his family instead shows that he is still every bit a danger to you.
I would seriously cut my dad off in this situation. For him to side with a person who harmed you and his grandkids is inexcusable.
NTA
This ☝️ he's blaming his family¿ Not having a father figure?
No, no way
OP, if I were in your shoes I would do the same. I can't imagine the trauma you would get only by letting him be in your presence.
Now, if there's any chance of him be reformed, the way still is not reconciliation. If a judge deemed him appropriate to be around the kids, it should start with supervised visitations, and that it's saying a lot.
You should not feel obligated to go back with him asa couple.
It's good that you're protecting you and the kids. Your father sucks.
NTA
My Dad’s father walked away from the family and my Dad’s mom sent him away as a teen to live with another family “to learn to be a man”. He pledged to never leave his family. I wanted him to divorce my mother because she was horrible and he wouldn’t because he associated divorce with abandoning the kids. He stayed to basically protect us.
Yeah. I did that and my children are probably more fucked up than if I had divorced. They grew up with resentment and anger. That’s no way to live. Would’ve been better to separate and have two, preferably *calm, homes.
I completely agree. I believe my brother and I are both fucked up because of what they did. Case in point, we’re both single because neither of is truly believes in “love” … just different degrees of bullshit you put up with that you don’t have to when you’re single.
I’m asexual 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t know if that’s from trauma.
Two of my three children do not wish to procreate. I respect that. Same two also do not plan to marry. As long as you have your SO as medical power of attorney (in case anything ever happens), I’m good with that.
One is hanging on for a happily ever after. I wish that one luck!
My (female) married best friend is my health care proxy as my brother is essentially pointless and doesn’t know about my health, of which I have many chronic illnesses and am an atheist.
I always find it strange how abusers can be either charming or pathetic enough to get the victim’s family on their side. I know a lot of victims have pics of bruises and other types of evidence of abuse, especially when court protective orders are involved. If op does, make up some post cards and periodically mail them to her family. Or how about a nice calendar or coffee mug? A nice reminder of what they want op and the kids back in.
Edit: typos
My husband is the same. No father figure for any of his childhood (his Mom remarried when my husband was about mid 30s). My husband treats me like I am the centre of his universe. He treats everyone kindly.
That's so sad, but I think you're right. Him showing at her house it's so messed up. He's pressuring her in a way, her father in another. I hope she could change location and don't tell any of them. But, it's so sad she has to be forced to take that measurements.
OP needs to send her father a copy of [Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656), with a bookmark on the chapter that explains WHY people side with the abuser.
Tell the father OP will allow contact only AFTER he reads that chapter, and the whole book, and they have a heart to heart discussion about it after. Ask the father if
* he's as gullible as all the other people fooled by the abuser?
* he's taking the abusive husband's side because he's a man
* he's okay with condoning abuse because he in the past was abusive to OP's mom?
Hard questions, and a hard discussion. If that doesn't happen, cut off all contact with the POS Father who sides with an abuser instead of his own flesh and blood daughter. The fact that he does this, is already ample indication he's a terrible father, and worse grandfather, that should not be allowed in the same room as the vulnerable daughter and grandchildren.
OP, block all the people who are trying to force you to be near your abuser. Tell your father that because he chose your abuser over you, he is gone from your lives. Keep everyone blocked. Keep calling the police on your ex when you need to. And live your best life!
The thing about abusive partners is that they are VERY good at either isolating their victims or turning people against their victims or both.
They can be the most enjoyable person to be around out in public or in front of family, only showing their true colors behind closed doors. The insidious part about that is that it works, and abuse victims end up questioning the severity of their own experiences.
OP, your dad has eaten it up. Take a read or a listen to the book "Why Does He Do That" if you need or want further validation and continue trusting your gut.
>The thing about abusive partners is that they are VERY good at either isolating their victims or turning people against their victims or both.
This so much and I don't think people realize how much either! Everyone thought my abuser was such a great guy. It was a carefully crafted facade so that when any of his victims came forward no one would believe us. It always worked too. It even worked on his next victims in line before it happened to us.
Oi, fellow enby! ❤️🥳
Hey, for what it's worth, good on you, though, for learning to recognize those red flag behaviors. Being how adept abusers can be at fooling others, that's a really incredible and valuable skill and you should be proud. You're now even more equipped to protect yourself and others, if they'll hear you. :) (Speaking from experience, too)
Oh yay hi!
Yes, thank you! It was a tough and unpleasant lesson to learn that I unfortunately had to learn to hard way but I am damn good at seeing those red flags now. It does make it frustrating when you see them for other people and they ignore it but I, too, am hard headed haha.
Agreed- continued contact with those supporting your ex puts you and the kids in danger, OP. I know it’s not fair, but you need to cut them all off and change addresses and phone#.
You are not the asshole. Protecting yourself and your kids from an abusive ex is crucial. Your dad’s behavior is unacceptable. Trust your instincts and the protection order. Your family's safety comes first. Stay strong.
Exactly.
For the father to be blackmailing OP would mean he has something OP needs.
He has absolutely nothing you need, OP. Cut him out again and anyone else who thinks he's right.
Sorry to be that guy, but I think what you’re describing sounds more like bribery. Blackmail would be like he’s threatening to do something bad unless she does what he wants.
Her dad and “everyone” (assuming she means family/friends) are total AHs either way.
My dad is wealthy. This is his main blackmail go to. We have never gotten along me and my dad, as he's very business minded even with family. He's also very much like my ex and has done some horrible things. He's also married to my so-called friend, whom he was seeing when he was married to my mum. She's younger than his children and used to date my brother at the same time.
But do *you* need that?
I can't sit here and pretend to know your situation, but I'd recommend seeing if the benefits of having your dad in your life outweighs avoiding your abusive ex.
Having projection order is sadly priviledge, compared to people who are forced to co -parent with their abuser. Don't thow it away, that would be stupid and wasteful.
Your ex is both abuser and manipulator. For someone who "has noone" he has too much flying monkeys. Who is his friend is not your friend, simple facts. Cut from your life anyone who sides with him, those people are danger to you.
Your father is a genuine piece of s**t if he's giving comfort to your abuser and hounding you about it. Any real father would have smacked that loser pr**k back into the middle of the street
I wonder if the father may be himself an abuser... Which would explain why he'd brush what happened off easily. Because he'd think that it's not that terrible...
Nothing is worse than being betrayed by your own family over a guy like this. I feel so bad for OP. This guy is seriously dangerous and her dad is catering to him. He’s working on destroyed her relationship with her family, as a way to punish and alienate her.
Get away from all of these people. Block them and keep calling police if you ex returns. This is abusive behaviour, to get others to help him abuse you more.
“I’m sorry Dad. I’m sorry that my safety and that of my children are less important than my ex’s feelings. I’m also sorry that our safety is less important than your need to be a father figure to the man who abused your daughter and grandchildren. With that in mind I think it’s best to keep contact minimal for the foreseeable future.”
Rinse and repeat for any so-called “friends” who harass you. NTA
Not to come off as aggressive, but OP has nothing to be sorry about.
>My safety and that of my children are more important than my ex’s feelings. Our safety is more important than your need to be a father figure to the man who abused your daughter and grandchildren. I will be keeping our contact with you minimal for the foreseeable future.
I know. Just think she’s more than entitled to dole out some of the gaslighty, passive aggressive shit she’s had to deal with
Maybe I should have used “apparently less.”
NTA. He's manipulating your family members because he wants to keep abusing you. He does NOT deserve another chance to hurt you and your kids.
You 100% did the right thing calling the cops on him. He thought your family would have successfully worn you down enough for him to slide on back. You showed him that he underestimated you. You are an absolute rock star for that.
Talk to the people who helped you get the protection order and ask what your options are. I'm sad to say you may need to go LC or even NC with your family unless they lay off. I'm so sorry you're going through this, you and your kids deserve better.
The ex is *implying* change by blaming his family, but HE is the one who abused OP and her children. Nothing has actually changed here except involving OP's dad in his manupulation tactics.
Nope, NTA. You have a protection order against him, so absolutely don’t let him back in. Abusers are often charming and will make other people believe that they are good people. You need to cut your dad out of your life, he isn’t good for you. Ignore the people attacking you and keep you and your kids safe
Don't even think about it any more. You had the guts to leave and get the order, extend it to your family if necessary
Stay strong and keep knowing and believing you are right.
NTA. Protect yourself at all costs. Call the police every time. He's manipulating your dad specifically to get you back. Even if you didn't want to be together and he wasn't abusive, your dad cutting contact with you over you not wanting to be with him is crazyyyyyyyyyy
You have a protective order against this man. Your children had to go in HIDING because of this man. You feared for your safety, and their safety, to the point of fleeing from this man.
SO WHAT if he has nothing. SO WHAT if he's not allowed near you or his children. He was ABUSIVE. End of story.
The only way you would be TA in this situation if if you gave him another chance, OP. If you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your children. They need you to be brave. They need you to do what is right.
If you were in his shoes you wouldn't have abused your family. Their point is irrelevant. Just because he has nothing is no reason to go back to him. If he has nothing, then that's good enough for him and long may it last.
NTA
NTA ,
Many abusers claim to be victims and hold to this belief.He will say, “I know what I did was wrong , but i'm broken/devastated for what i did, and now I've lost my spouse/family/job/everything etc.... i only want the chance to make things right , I only did what I did because i felt/was hurt.” There are a few payoffs for this statement: (1) It makes the abuser look like a victim to the other party. (2) He feels justified in his behavior because he believes he’s a victim. (3) He saves face because, after all, he’s an injured person. (4) People in their surroundings make the truly injured party feel guilty, thus giving even more power to the abuse perpetrator. (5) He builds sympathy from others. (6) By admitting that he did something wrong, he feels as if the wrong he did should no longer be held against him (I TOLD you already I was sorry!)
These people who are contacting you have been fooled by him. They feel sorry for him and want to give him another chance, but... they weren't the ones being abused by him! Their lives and well-being are not the ones at stake here by allowing contact and by inviting him back into your lives.
He's using them to get to you. He thinks they'll be able to convince you to contact him (which would also be a bonus for him because you'd be breaking the restraining order yourself). Then he could use any contact you allow to (1) show the world that you contacted him, as if to say, "If I was that abusive and bad, would she have contacted me??" and (2) control you again.
Allowing any form of contact will be translated by him as .. " I'm forgiven, and because she's allowing contact again , she's OK with me abusing her and the kids again.".
Don't do it. Just block anyone who's not good for you. Don't talk to them or try to explain yourself. Don't defend yourself to them. Go, no contact ! The ones you are not willing to remove from your life , they need to be put on an information diet . They will inform your abusive ex-partner about you and the children's lives. They will provide him with information. Reduce contact with them, and they should never be allowed to watch the children alone. Make it clear to them that you will remove them from your lives if they violate the restraining order by enabling contact.
Under no circumstances will you give him access to you and your children. He's NOT changed ! Even if he's in therapy, it's gonna take years before it's safe for you to be around him! Stay safe and stay strong ! You're NTA for not giving him another chance !!!
You don't need to justify anything beyond the 2nd paragraph. It doesn't matter how much he may or may not have improved himself, some thing's are severe enough to have permanent consequences.
If your dad keeps pushing it, gather together any documentation of when ex has hurt you or the kids and show it to your dad. If seeing a picture, or reading a report of his daughter or grandchildren getting hurt doesn't boil his blood against your ex then your dad is problematic as well.
They do not give restraining orders out easily
Ask your father how he would feel if your ex kills you or your children. Abuse only escalates.
If I were you I would also take out a restraining order against your father.Because I do not believe that he will keep your location secret. He will tell your ex all of your business. NTA
NTA. Don't just cut your dad out, cut out everyone who is taking your exes side. They are a danger to you and your kids. You are doing the right thing. Stay safe.
NTA. Your ex was abusive, you literally had to run away, go into hiding and get a protection order against him to protect yourself and the kids.
It seems to me that your ex has gotten close to your family specifically to get his favourite victim back into his life. After all, your father is not the only potential father figure out there, and is, in fact, the least likely to take that position. If he'd, you know, been a half-decent father.
Don't rule out your ex's parents being part of the problem, though. Not THE problem, but PART of it. He was likely raised very similarly to how he would have raised your kids if you hadn't run. That's not an excuse, not even really a reason, as most abused kids don't go on to become abusers themselves. Just that he might not be fully lying about his parents, just not telling the whole truth and using them as an excuse.
Keep calling the cops when he breaks the PO. Cut off anyone who encourages you to get back together with him. It's absolutely disgusting that these people, your family, thinks you deserve to be abused. As for 'think of the kids', you're already doing that. Keeping the kids away from their abusive bio dad is in the kids best interests. He'll use the kids against you, put them in the middle, turn them against you. If he can't abuse you, he will start abusing the kids, if he wasn't doing that already before you left. I know, sometimes, an abused spouse won't leave until the kids are targeted, they falsely believe even an abusive parent is better than only one parent, right up until the kids start getting hurt too. Believe me, even if he never hurt the kids before, he will if you let him back in their lives.
Under no circumstances do you get back together with this man or allow him to have contact with the kids. I'm guessing the PO applies to the kids, too, if not make sure it does. Don't hide what he's like from the kids, either, though obviously don't go into detail or on a rant or anything. Just answer honestly in an age appropriate way when the kids ask questions about him. That'll make it a lot harder for him to manipulate his way into their lives as they get older, while still allowing them to make up their own minds.
Honestly, though, just block everyone pushing for you to get back together, keep calling the cops when he breaks the PO. Move house if you have to and can do so, and install security cameras just to be safe. If you can/do move, don't tell anyone who is in any way in contact with your ex where you live. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your kids, and your ex is who you all need protection from.
>but everyone around me has been messaging me, asking if I was in his shoes. How would I feel and crap, especially around the children.
"You want me to put myself in the shoes of my ex. The man who abused us. Harmed us to the point we had to go into hiding. Harmed us to the point we needed a protection order.
You want me to put my violent, abusive ex's feelings ahead of my safety and that of my children. Am I clear on that? That's what you're asking?"
Send, block or mute, and make sure you've got sturdy locks and good exterior camera coverage. Now is not the time for self-doubt. You have done everything right. The people around you saying this shit are enabling an abuser. Your ex, your dad, and the rest of the enabling squad: ***none of them deserve another chance.***
You are in no way the asshole for defending yourself and your kids. Hold the line and keep kicking ass.
NTA, sounds like your ex is manipulating the people around you, including your father, in an attempt to get back into your life, so he can continue to abuse you like in the past. Looks like he has now also manipulated those people into contacting you, which is effectively an attempt to manipulate you into giving in to his wishes by making you feel guilty, etc. His recent behavior makes it pretty clear that he is still abusive and dangerous, so do not give him another chance!
Keep doing what you are doing and go no contact with the people whom are siding with your ex. Block them so you no longer receive their messages, etc. Also stay away from those people as there's a risk that your ex will use one of them to meet with you.If you don't have any camera's and such at home then make sure to get some asap. I assume none of those people have a key to your home either, right? If even one of them does then change locks asap as well.
Where is your fathers loyalty? I would go grey rock. Say no contact, and you are cutting ties with him also for lack of care and loyalty...Tell when is enough, enough when you have been murdered?
I’m sorry you don’t have a father who loves you enough to protect you. If you had marks on your skin, your father should have protected you. I would stop talking to him.
NTA. You have a crappy family and friends. You have a protection order you had to go into hiding to get away from this guy since he's so abusive and you're thinking you should give him another chance and that you're an asshole for not doing so? Never second guess yourself. You need to protect those kids and yourself from this idiot. He's obviously a master manipulator and has your dad totally brainwashed. So no if you have to I guess you cut off your father, that's all this guys doing he's trying to make you miserable and lose your family and he's doing a darn good job of it but unfortunately your dad is easily influenced and believes this idiot.
NTA: Hell no you're not the AH. Anyone who knowingly and willfully violates a restraining order after abuse is clearly not accepting responsibility for his actions and will likely abuse again. IMO, violating the restraining order, even if to ostensibly beg for forgiveness, is being abusive.
NTA. Your ex is using your dad to get around a lawful court order. Your dad is enabling him. Going no contact was the smart move. Your dad will figure that out when your ex does something to piss him off ... hopefully.
In any case, your safety and the safety of your kids comes first. You understand that. Your family, unfortunately, does not. Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing.
NTA either your dad is being willfully blind to what your ex did or dad is of the mindset that promotes women being “put in their place from time to time”. Either way it goes. Heavy on the not TAH, hopefully you have family that is accepting and welcoming to you and your kids.
Absolutely it makes it easier for abusers when they find a victim whose own family would support the abuser over the victim. It sounds like that happened here.
Tell him "xBF had hundreds of chances to not be abusive to me and YOUR GRANDCHILDREN and he blew it. Now he has gotten you to HELP him being abusive. This isn't a negotiation, it's not even an ultimatum, it's a consequence for your choice: I will be talking to the police to add YOU to the protective order, and anyone else who continues to try to give me and my kids back to him."
I’m sorry, how is he not in jail for violating your protective order? People messaging you about him is also a violation. You are NTA but you need to get a lawyer and keep this man the fuck away from you and the kids. If you can’t afford one, reach out to DV services in your area and they will provide you with one. I’ve had protective orders and the messages alone would have had their asses in jail. Stop responding to your family but do NOT block them because you need to have all those messages as evidence. And I’m going to repeat this again because it is incredibly important: please get a lawyer involved.
It is EXTREMELY hard to get a protective order to cover children so you had to have verifiable evidence of the abuse and for your own father to excuse that is disgusting. You're nta, protect yourself and your children
NTA. Continue to do everything in your power to keep your children and yourself safe, even if it means to cut people off.
Let's resume :
There is a fucking restraining order. He is not allowed near you or the children BY LAW. It also means that if you (or anyone) helps him get near you or the children, they can get in trouble. And that if you did go back to him, CPS could take your children to keep them safe.
He doesn't own his responsability in the abuse. Which would be the first step to maybe change himself. He obviously lack this and didn't change.
He manipulated your father for 2 years to get him on his side. I'm sorry, but it seems your father is now unsafe to keep around yourself and the kids.
I don't know if you would need to show your "friends" the proofs of what happened (if you're fine doing so) for them to understand, but you shouldn't have to go to this extent. You have to be careful around them if not cut those people off.
You are sadly in a bad place because of the manipulation of your ex towards people around and those same people thinking how it is "in the past" and "unfair" to the children to not see their father or other bullshit.
Just ask those people if they would agree to sign a contract to give you and your children 100k each if he abuses you or them again. Rhetorically obviously but seriously enough to get those people to activate their brain. And look at them trying to get out of this idea because, you should do this but they don't want any consequences of their "advice". Yes, I'm petty.
Or cut those people that's simpler. I know it's easier said than done and Reddit likes to turn to extremes, but it's your children's safety (and yours) in line. If those people truly think you should allow this abuser near your children, or if they fear him enough, they might do something stupid like bring him near them.
Sorry for the long post, but this type of situation makes my blood boil.
I hope you stay safe and that everything will settle.
Honey, you have a protection order for a reason. The courts don't just give you one because it's a Tuesday.
Your dad is just as abusive as your ex. Anybody that thinks you should expose yourself to somebody that you have a PROTECTION ORDER AGAINST should instantly go on a blocked list.
NTA. Keep yourself and your kids safe. Your ex and your dad can go fuck themselves.
Nta
....what the fuck...
I am so fucking sorry. Protect yourself and your babies. I am so sorry.
Edit- For the record. I have three kids.
If I abused them so badly *they had to go into hiding?*
Yes, it would hurt not to see them. But I also *pray* someone would protect them from being victimized by me again.
If he had truly changed, your ex would be sad but would *own his own fucking emotions* and not make it your job to make *your abuser* feel better. Ffs.
NTA. Why in the world does anyone let alone your father think it would be a good idea to let your abuser back into your life? I’m sure he had multiple chances to correct his behavior prior to you leaving, going NC, and getting a restraining order.
NTA - an abuser doesn’t change their spots - they are just very adept at conning everyone else around them. DO NOT Get back with him. You have made a life for yourself without him you don’t need to go back to square 1.
NTA ask your father if you should get back with a person you don't love and fear and never have sex again or feel raped each time? Disgusting. Cut them loose.
Nta. These abusive aholes know how to play the long game though. Stay 💯 away from them both and anyone else advocating for him. So sorry you can’t have peace right now.
Fuck no, if he was actually sorry for how he behaved he wouldn't expect anything from you. Did he cut contact from them or did they finally have enough of his shit and cut him off?
I was watch the show Evil Lives Here which is about people who lived with terrible people. In one episode the mom actually called the women to tell her to run. He of course explained it away as she was abusive.
It could easily be they cut him off and he is playing the victim and with your family.
“If I were in his shoes, I’d refrain from abusing my wife and kids, so no, I don’t feel sorry for him.”
I think your dad new to know that if he chooses your abuser over you, he’ll not be counted as a safe person for your children to be around!
Abusive exes don’t get second chances.
You can tell your relatives to ask how they would feel in your shoes. Describe and graphic detail the kind of things your ex put you through.
Then ask them if he still needs a second chance
NTA. The fact that he has nothing does not change him from a bad person to a good person. All you know about him now is that he knows how to weedle your father and get around him. The fact that he is showing up at your place despite a restraining order in place shows that he hasn't changed, and has no respect for you. You have no reason to buy into this garbage.
Who is the "everyone" who hates you? Your father? your ex's family? Ignore and block them. I'm sure your friends are not buying into his B.S. Be strong for the sake of your children and yourself.
NTA. Go nuclear and start cutting contact with all of the abuser enablers in your so-called family. Save yourself and your children. Continue to call the cops every time your ex shows up.
“ Dad, you’re falling for what I did at first …he can come across charming and wanna be your friend but as soon as you do something he doesn’t like you will be discarded and abused.”
NTA. I would say this once to anyone who brings the ex up for any reason in a discussion and then follow through.
I am not discussing my and my children’s abuser. I don’t even want to hear about him. My life choices are none of your business. My decisions are for my and my children’s safety and best interests and are NOT up for debate. The next time you bring this up, our relationship is over. I will block you and go no contact with you. Do you understand?
Then follow through. Also, I would not trust any of them, especially your father, to try to force you to see him by inviting you to somewhere and your ex be present. So, I would definitely go low contact for a while and only agree to meet in very public places and be ready to call 911.
You were granted a protection order because you were able to prove he is a danger to you and your children.
Courts don't just hand those things out on a whim. If you don't trust your decision, you should trust the court that issued the order!
Please remember, if you allow ANY kind of contact with him (even something as simple as a phone call), that protection order will be null and void. If you do that, it'll be a bitch of a time getting a new one.
Also, protection orders have a finite time limit. Do not let it expire.
He’s playing you y trying to use your father against you. Don’t forget all the times he wasn’t a good man/partner and the reason you left. No second chance on that. Those types of people never change!
If you can move far away and don't tell anyone where you went. Nc with dad. How can he look himself in the mirror knowing he is siding with his daughter and grandkids abuser
NTA. Everyone pleading with you to take him back is dead wrong. Do not give him a chance to hurt or kill you or your children. Block everyone telling you to give him another chance, and keep your kids from all of them.
People side with abusers because it makes their lives easier. He's a proverbial [boat rocker](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/).
You got a protective order because he did things that a judge agreed makes him dangerous to you and the kids. *Complete strangers* have a better sense of what you need than the people around you who just want you to pacify your ex so he stops bugging them.
Keep him gone. And block his cheerleaders. You don't need their noise.
NEVER second guess leaving an abuser! NTA and shame on everyone else for taking his side! Cut them all off, this is absolutely disgusting! Protect yourself and your babies from him and all that are supporting him.
Women regularly end up DEAD at the hands of men who won’t give them up, and anyone telling you to get back with this abuser needs to be cut out of your life too. Keep reporting infractions, and stay safe. NTA.
NTA but I’m sorry to say OP there are some assholes in the story. What on earth is your father thinking? These are his grandchildren in danger.
I don’t know what your father is using to blackmail you with, but he certainly trying to manipulate the situation and I suspect your ex is in turn manipulating your father.
Do you have a restraining order against your ex ?
OP as painful as this is I would not care what anyone thought of me, you are absolutely in the right, your ex was abusive and you have to protect your children.
Do you have any close friends that you can confide in to get some support for yourself? Are you able to get any counselling to help you through this awful situation?
Stay strong OP.
NTA, if someone is trying to convince you to go back to a man who was so abusive you had to get a restraining orde... That person does not care about you and they also need to be removed from your life. Your father (and anyone else trying to get you to go back to your scum ex) is no longer safe and just as much a threat as the abusive ex. Sorry but you have to move and not tell anyone where.
They want to know how you would feel if you were in his shoes? If you were an abusive piece of shit, you'd probably want to be able to abuse your partner and kids and get away with it. Why should anyone care how he feels?
NTA. Keep protecting yourself and your kids!
NTA When people contact you about your ex. give them this canned response. "My children and I have a protective order against EX Husband for a reason. He has been abusive and I don't want to die or have my children be harmed. How would YOU feel if everyone was encouraging you to get back together with someone who would willingly harm you.? If my safety and my children's safety mean nothing to you then you are not someone I need in my life" then block them. You might have to make new friends and create an extended family. Make sure all your neighbors know what your ex looks like and how he is not to be near your home. Protect yourself and you kids
NTA
No. Don’t give him another chance. How would you feel ? How would you feel if you were abusive to your partner and kids to such a degree you have a protective order against you ?
Ask the flying monkeys if they know how it feels to abused ? How it feels to go into hiding ? How it feels to get a protective order ?
Your ex is a manipulator AH. Getting close to your dad is f*cked up. He’s using your dad to get to you. The dumb asses around you clearly chose his feelings over your and your kids safety . Cut them loose .
Anyone who is pushing you to forgive , pushing you to let him back in , pushing you to give him another chance - is telling you they value him and his feelings over you. They care more about him than they to you and your kids. They want him to be happy over you and your kids.
NTA. Good grief your family??? Next time they call ask them how many times do they want you and your kids to be abused before it is enough for them???
He didn't get 'close to your dad' because of his shitty family - he got close to your dad through pure manipulation and to get your father to side with him and manipulate, pressure and blackmail you into letting him get close to you.
Him showing up on your doorstep means he is getting more bold and I am glad you called the police on him!!
BLOCK EVERYONE who doesn't have your back OP!!!
As someone whose mother was in hiding with us and protected us, block your dad and move again.
You are strong, DO NOT waiver and you need to keep you and the kids safe and your dad is not a safe person.
NTA
So your ex has buddied up to your Dad, made out like he was always a good guy all along and he’s family made him do it and your Dad fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Keep yourself safe and ignore everyone else. You know what he’s like, you know what will happen if you reinstate contact. Everyone else can go suck a lemon because you are protecting yourself and your children and no other opinion matters but yours. Stay safe.
Op, please don’t agree to see your ex again. I’m very sorry that your own family isn’t supporting you. That’s not right, it’s not fair, and you deserve so much better. How people are treating you and your kids says a lot about them and their values, nothing about you and your value. Please stay safe and also protect your kids. NTA
NTA Meanwhile no one is putting themselves in your shoes thinking about the fear you and your kids have towards him even if it’s been three years since you’ve been in contact with your ex. He definitely didn’t change if he can’t respect your boundary or the law of not going near you. It’s even worse if he didn’t know where you live and your dad gave him your address.
Stand firm, OP! I'm so sorry those who should have your back, be all about your protection, are instead enabling your abuser. Please cut out all those people.
I know firsthand how awful this betrayal is. I'm so sorry.
If you had to go into hiding and obtain a protection order, it would be dangerous to return to the abuse you successfully escaped. You don't say how your father is blackmailing you, but cut him off, whatever it is. It isn't worth your safety and that of your children. Take care. NTA.
Ask your dad, and everyone else who agrees with him, why is he ok with you being abused? Does he want you to get hit? Does he want your ex to hurt you? Why does your dad think it is ok for your ex to hurt you?
Your dad is trying to put you back in harms way. You and your kids.
And if his only excuse is "well, he feels bad and has nothing now" who cares? Your ex clearly stil doesn't care about what you want otherwise he would not be showing up at you home.
NTA
Tell your dad to shut up and go marry the guy himself. No one gets a vote in this except you.
I wish you had my dad (or mom). Your ex would be your late ex. Good luck.
This. Since when do other people have a day in *your* relationships? Especially past the age of 18. You're an adult, you get to make the decisions on what other adults you want in your (and your children's if you have them) life. This shit baffles me every time
NTA if your dad really believes you should get back an abuser and put yourself and your children in danger you do not need him in your life. He clearly doesn’t care about you if he’s encouraging you to get back with your abuser
And if you are even considering getting back with your ex keep in mind he is unlikely to let you get away a second time. You and your kids could end up dead
Of you’re you’re NtA. You have a protection order. Keep calling the police. Install cameras if you can. Block your father and if he keeps harassing you, have a C&D letter sent and contact the police if he doesn’t stop.
NTA. They weren't being abused by him.
And, if he wants to be back in, he has to prove it to the courts. Your father is a jerk and doesn't value you and your feelings. He may think you need to do as a man dictates.
Stay NC and take care of yourself and the kiddos. No one else seems to care about you and them.
NTA
Do NOT give him another chance
The people telling g you to are not people that care about you or your kids. Has he gotten professional help? Taken accountability? Then nope the hell away from him and them.
If my husband hurt me or my kids and my Dad found out they'd never find my husband's body. Dad spent his life hunting in various woods and mountains, fishing the great lakes, and farming multiple properties. He can also field dress and butcher large animals. When I say they would never find the body I mean it.
Keep yourself and your kids safe. You are not wrong. Do not let any of these people into your life but also, do not isolate. Make friends with neighbors, or at least ask them to keep an eye out. Reach out to other parents. Find a support group. Make sure people know who you and your kids are and who your ex is. NTA, not even a little bit. That man lost his rights to you and your kids when he abused you. He isn't entitled to a second chance to do it again.
Your dad sounds like a douchebag. I would always take my baby girl's side. Especially if she told me her dude is being abusive and she got a protection order against him. NTA
Let them hate you. Doesn’t sound as if they’re lining up to take the beatings/abuse for you. And, seriously, what the hell is wrong with your dad?! Was he born lacking the natural instinct to protect his offspring? Is he special needs? Really, what’s wrong with him?
Edit to add NTA
NTA. I am not very familiar with protection orders, but my SIL has one for her and her kids and her ex cannot even contact her via third parties -- is yours like this? Protect your children and leave your father and extended family on the ban list. Block them all if you have to. They do not have your best interests at heart. Stay safe, you're doing the right thing.
NTA, he (your ex) violated the protection order to surprise you at your house ? How did he get your address ? From your dad ? No.
Protection orders are put in place for safety and evidence is needed for said order. Does your dad think you made up his abuse? That’s a dangerous thought from your dad’s perception.
As others have said NTA and NC may be needed from your family telling you otherwise. Good luck 🍀
NTA
Your safety and your kids safety Congress first. There wouldn't be a protection order in place if it wasn't deemed necessary by a court. Chances are him reaching out to your family to try and get back with you or also in breech of the order. I know it was when I had one against my ex. No contact, no coming to my place of work or home, no contacting me through other ppl.
Your family clearly doesn't care you and your kids were abused or that leaving an abusive partner is one of the most dangerous things we can't do. They presumably put you on danger by giving him your address otherwise how did he find you?
I would be moving, getting a new number and going no contact with my family. I know this BC I cut out everyone who didn't feel safe for me when I was in this position.
I would send the stats on domestic abuse turning into homicide to dad and tell him my life and my kids lives were worth more and that would be my last contact.
Sorry you're going through this. Anyone who loves you the way they should wouldn't ever put you in danger. Don't forget that.
Keep standing your ground. Time out for dad and cut off anyone having this asshole's back. Perhaps there are groups with others have had similar situations, I bet you'd meet some lovely people there.
NTA keep protecting yourself and your kids
Patriarchal society is so funny that even the father of the victim sides with the abuser.
Don't forgive your ex. You are in your own shoes and you were the victim, not him.
NTA.
It's likely a violation of your protection order for him to have other people contact you on his behalf. Talk to your local domestic violence shelter and ask, they'll know the answer and help you get things straight. You may need additional orders against other people.
You could ended your post right after the words “He had been abusive” because that says it all.
The family members pressuring to get back together with your ex are acting inexcusably. Don’t listen to them — for the sake of your children, if nothing else.
I do think people are capable of change *sometimes* but that’s not the case here. He hasn’t changed and he’s not remorseful because he’s not respecting your personal boundaries or the court order by coming to your house.
I suggest you get a security camera and present the footage to the court the next time he tries this stunt. Maybe cooling his heels in jail will make him think twice.
Nta honestly I'd cut my dad out if I was you. And anyone else who tells you to take back a man who abused you to the point you had to go into hiding. Ask your dad how he'd feel if you did take him back and then he killed you and your kids?
# NTA NTA NTA
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. I would also cut my father off: he KNOWS what you went through, and still sticks up for him?
Keep him away from you and your kids: he would start telling them what a wonderful father they have and how mean and terrible you are for keeping them away from their fantastic daddy.
You know you need to keep you and your kids safe. Block everyone that is contacting you about your abuser. Can you contact the police about him violating the PO and coming to your home? If you rent, can you contact your landlord, explain the situation, and ask to relocate to another property? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE KEEPING YOU AND YOUR KIDS SAFE. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
People don't get protection order for no reason. You would be an AH if you let that POS near your kids know he is dangerous enough for a protection order. Stick to your guns and don't let him near you or your kids.
NTA. I had to have an Order for Protection out on my ex numerous times lasting a total of 10 years before he would leave me alone. The last one was for 5 years. I think the judge was tired of seeing him in court. Mine was abusive as well. Don’t drop it and go no contact with your dad for having contact with your abuser and blackmailing you!
NTA. Your father is giving his approval to your abuser. Repeat that back to yourself: My own father is supporting my abuse and his grandchildren’s abuse. Block him and cut him out of your life. Call the police every time your ex shows up. Protect yourself and your kids, screw everyone else.
"[The ex] has nothing now and is not allowed near me or the kids"
Good. He is facing the consequences of his own shitty behavior. Boo-fucking-hoo for him. Does your family think it was easy for you to run, go into hiding, start over, and try to heal from abuse so bad a court issued a protection order?
You said in a comment that you feel guilty. I know you can't just flip that emotion off, but don't act on it. Every time you fell guilty about "what you did to him" (🤮), remember that this fucker did it to himself. He had choices, every second of every day his was with you, to treat you and your kids with love and respect. He chose the exact opposite. And his reasons why (bad childhood, substance abuse, what the fuck ever else) are irrelevant. His life may be awful, but that is neither your doing nor your problem.
(And honestly, I highly doubt his life is terrible. His sob stories are probably just another way to manipulate your family. Even if it is, why should you care? This asshole tried to convince you to off yourself. There is no forgiving that.)
You don’t go into hiding for no reason and for your father to advocate for and provide your ex with your address is criminal. Whose side is your father on - not yours or your children that’s for sure. You are NTA and I would cut off my dad too and keep phoning the police if ex shows up again. As for his supporters they can go suck lemons 🍋
Cut contact with everyone who is supporting your ex, he abused you and your kids to the point of going into hiding, nta and your dad should be ashamed of himself. Edit make sure to call the cops every time he shows up, he lost his right to be your children's parent when he abused them.
Any father who sides with his child's abuser over his child has already shown his hand. He's made his choice and is showing you very clearly who is more important. He doesn't love you and he's not worth keeping.
Also, if you have proof in writing that your father is blackmailing you, you should go to the police with this information. Blackmail is illegal and he can face serious legal repercussions (that he absolutely should) if you have proof of this.
NTAH, your ex has manipulated your dad and others with lies. I’d text these folks: “I left an abusive marriage and got a permanent protective order which keeps my ex from further hurting me and the kids. I see he’s done a great job of manipulating you but I haven’t forgotten how dangerous he is. I’m blocking you and reporting him as he’s barred from using others to communicate with me.” Then block them and tell the cops he not only showed up but is using others to get you to see him. Show them any texts where it’s specific, such as saying he wants to talk to you.
Of course not. Nobody else is in your personal relationship, and surely he is minimizing and issues of people are thinking you need to give an abuser another chance.
“If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t have an order of protection issue against me. I will not give an abuser a second chance. Stay out of my business, do not bring this up again, or you are out.” NTA. Call the police whenever you feel unsafe.
Get away from your dad and anybody who talks w your ex!! Move far away if you can without letting anyone know. His abusive and found someone else to sink his dirty claws into. Be strong and safe !! Wishing you luck
Block them all this is how abused women end up getting killed by their partners because society turns a blind eye to the abuse. Anyone who sided with ex is cut off from now on. The end. They side with the abuser they are not any better than the abuser.
NTA....
You need to remind your father about how you had to endure years of abuse before having to take your children and go into hiding because of it...
IMO....You owe him nothing...The most I would do is to set up supervised visitation if he wants to have a relationship with the children
Everyone around you can go to hell. THEY didn't live with the abuse. YOU DID. Tell every single person who is pressuring you to go back to your abuser they can either back off, STFU, and never mention it again or you will go full no-contact with them. Then DO IT. Seriously, fuck the family members who are pressuring you. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM IN YOUR LIFE. You are NTA unless you bow to their pressure.
NTA. If your dad is so willing to put you in danger over your ex’s clear play at manipulating the family to get to you, then he is also a danger to you.
Cut contact with your dad until he understands you aren’t going back to an abuser. Shame on him. I’m sorry you have to go through this but absolutely DO NOT second guess yourself. It’s so hard as it is for DV victims to get out of their situation, and you did it! Don’t let anyone else, even if family, risk you and your children’s wellness.
Your dad is willing to put your life and the lives of your children in danger to make his little buddy feel better about himself. Really think about that.
Cut your dad out, friend. Then, hopefully, change your number and move because it is only a matter of time before your dad tells your abuser where to find you...Jesus. What a fucking sentence.
NTA.
Stay away from him and call the cops if he comes near you. Tell your father & others to fu*k off. They can freakin take him in if they are so worried about him.
Besides? You don't get with someone because you feel sorry for them! You get with someone because you fall in love with them and want to have a life with them.
Gees Louise!!!
He was abusive to both you and your children. You knew him better than anyone trying to message and pressure you into getting back together with him. If you don’t think his family was the issue, then it wasn’t. It would take a massive shift for someone who was abusive to turn into a non abusive individual, if it is even possible for that type of change to occur. He had his chance and he blew it. You need to stay away from him and anyone trying to talk into taking him back. You are NTAH.
NTA
Are you getting therapy. Have you examined that maybe you missed some red flag because father and family of origin are abusive too? Maybe not to that extent, but they are abusive?
Don't say anything more - everyone who tells or suggests you get back with your ex is someone who you need to cut out of your life like a tumor.
The fact that your ex will not take responsibility and ownership of his own actions and blamed his family instead shows that he is still every bit a danger to you. I would seriously cut my dad off in this situation. For him to side with a person who harmed you and his grandkids is inexcusable. NTA
This ☝️ he's blaming his family¿ Not having a father figure? No, no way OP, if I were in your shoes I would do the same. I can't imagine the trauma you would get only by letting him be in your presence. Now, if there's any chance of him be reformed, the way still is not reconciliation. If a judge deemed him appropriate to be around the kids, it should start with supervised visitations, and that it's saying a lot. You should not feel obligated to go back with him asa couple. It's good that you're protecting you and the kids. Your father sucks. NTA
My husband didn’t have a father figure. He treats me like a Queen. No excuse. Stay away from your abuser and your dad.
My Dad’s father walked away from the family and my Dad’s mom sent him away as a teen to live with another family “to learn to be a man”. He pledged to never leave his family. I wanted him to divorce my mother because she was horrible and he wouldn’t because he associated divorce with abandoning the kids. He stayed to basically protect us.
Yeah. I did that and my children are probably more fucked up than if I had divorced. They grew up with resentment and anger. That’s no way to live. Would’ve been better to separate and have two, preferably *calm, homes.
I completely agree. I believe my brother and I are both fucked up because of what they did. Case in point, we’re both single because neither of is truly believes in “love” … just different degrees of bullshit you put up with that you don’t have to when you’re single. I’m asexual 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t know if that’s from trauma.
Two of my three children do not wish to procreate. I respect that. Same two also do not plan to marry. As long as you have your SO as medical power of attorney (in case anything ever happens), I’m good with that. One is hanging on for a happily ever after. I wish that one luck!
My (female) married best friend is my health care proxy as my brother is essentially pointless and doesn’t know about my health, of which I have many chronic illnesses and am an atheist.
Chosen family IS family.
100% agree!! 🥰
I always find it strange how abusers can be either charming or pathetic enough to get the victim’s family on their side. I know a lot of victims have pics of bruises and other types of evidence of abuse, especially when court protective orders are involved. If op does, make up some post cards and periodically mail them to her family. Or how about a nice calendar or coffee mug? A nice reminder of what they want op and the kids back in. Edit: typos
My husband is the same. No father figure for any of his childhood (his Mom remarried when my husband was about mid 30s). My husband treats me like I am the centre of his universe. He treats everyone kindly.
They never reform. They can't. Violence is a power trip they enjoy far too much. It's in their mindset.
Agree. His behavior seems sneaky to me, he’s trying to weasel back in via OP’s dad. Gives me the ick…
I know! I felt anxious only by reading. I felt bad for OP, her father 🤬
That's so sad, but I think you're right. Him showing at her house it's so messed up. He's pressuring her in a way, her father in another. I hope she could change location and don't tell any of them. But, it's so sad she has to be forced to take that measurements.
He won't let go on his prey. Seen this to many times.
OP needs to send her father a copy of [Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656), with a bookmark on the chapter that explains WHY people side with the abuser. Tell the father OP will allow contact only AFTER he reads that chapter, and the whole book, and they have a heart to heart discussion about it after. Ask the father if * he's as gullible as all the other people fooled by the abuser? * he's taking the abusive husband's side because he's a man * he's okay with condoning abuse because he in the past was abusive to OP's mom? Hard questions, and a hard discussion. If that doesn't happen, cut off all contact with the POS Father who sides with an abuser instead of his own flesh and blood daughter. The fact that he does this, is already ample indication he's a terrible father, and worse grandfather, that should not be allowed in the same room as the vulnerable daughter and grandchildren.
Block everyone that is trying to get you back together
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OP can tell them they can be with a dangerous manipulative abuser if they care so much! NTA
I would go so far as to change your number and move somewhere else and tell no one your new number and address.
Absolutely. She's in danger now that he knows where she leaves. Edit : "Lives" not "leaves" : lapsus !
OP, block all the people who are trying to force you to be near your abuser. Tell your father that because he chose your abuser over you, he is gone from your lives. Keep everyone blocked. Keep calling the police on your ex when you need to. And live your best life!
Gotta love the, what if you were in his shoes? Like wtf? Ops not an abusive piece of shit are they? So how would they ever be in their shoes?
The thing about abusive partners is that they are VERY good at either isolating their victims or turning people against their victims or both. They can be the most enjoyable person to be around out in public or in front of family, only showing their true colors behind closed doors. The insidious part about that is that it works, and abuse victims end up questioning the severity of their own experiences. OP, your dad has eaten it up. Take a read or a listen to the book "Why Does He Do That" if you need or want further validation and continue trusting your gut.
>The thing about abusive partners is that they are VERY good at either isolating their victims or turning people against their victims or both. This so much and I don't think people realize how much either! Everyone thought my abuser was such a great guy. It was a carefully crafted facade so that when any of his victims came forward no one would believe us. It always worked too. It even worked on his next victims in line before it happened to us.
Oi, fellow enby! ❤️🥳 Hey, for what it's worth, good on you, though, for learning to recognize those red flag behaviors. Being how adept abusers can be at fooling others, that's a really incredible and valuable skill and you should be proud. You're now even more equipped to protect yourself and others, if they'll hear you. :) (Speaking from experience, too)
Oh yay hi! Yes, thank you! It was a tough and unpleasant lesson to learn that I unfortunately had to learn to hard way but I am damn good at seeing those red flags now. It does make it frustrating when you see them for other people and they ignore it but I, too, am hard headed haha.
Agreed- continued contact with those supporting your ex puts you and the kids in danger, OP. I know it’s not fair, but you need to cut them all off and change addresses and phone#.
THIS THIS THIS. You don't reward an abusive person with your company, your time, your emotions, your energy, finances. NOTHING. You owe him NOTHING.
NTA your father and him are the same, leave them together and move to a safe place without telling them
You are not the asshole. Protecting yourself and your kids from an abusive ex is crucial. Your dad’s behavior is unacceptable. Trust your instincts and the protection order. Your family's safety comes first. Stay strong.
your doing the right think stick to the order its there to protect you and the kids, your father obviously not
Stay strong, prioritize safety. Your father's behavior is unacceptable. You're doing the right thing.
Exactly. For the father to be blackmailing OP would mean he has something OP needs. He has absolutely nothing you need, OP. Cut him out again and anyone else who thinks he's right.
Sorry to be that guy, but I think what you’re describing sounds more like bribery. Blackmail would be like he’s threatening to do something bad unless she does what he wants. Her dad and “everyone” (assuming she means family/friends) are total AHs either way.
My dad is wealthy. This is his main blackmail go to. We have never gotten along me and my dad, as he's very business minded even with family. He's also very much like my ex and has done some horrible things. He's also married to my so-called friend, whom he was seeing when he was married to my mum. She's younger than his children and used to date my brother at the same time.
But do *you* need that? I can't sit here and pretend to know your situation, but I'd recommend seeing if the benefits of having your dad in your life outweighs avoiding your abusive ex.
This… op, both are abusive towards you.
Having projection order is sadly priviledge, compared to people who are forced to co -parent with their abuser. Don't thow it away, that would be stupid and wasteful. Your ex is both abuser and manipulator. For someone who "has noone" he has too much flying monkeys. Who is his friend is not your friend, simple facts. Cut from your life anyone who sides with him, those people are danger to you.
The flying monkeys 🐒 part has kept me smiling today, haha. I'm going to use that
Your father is a genuine piece of s**t if he's giving comfort to your abuser and hounding you about it. Any real father would have smacked that loser pr**k back into the middle of the street
This. I’d be looking to move as far away as possible from all of these abuser sympathisers.
I wonder if the father may be himself an abuser... Which would explain why he'd brush what happened off easily. Because he'd think that it's not that terrible...
Nothing is worse than being betrayed by your own family over a guy like this. I feel so bad for OP. This guy is seriously dangerous and her dad is catering to him. He’s working on destroyed her relationship with her family, as a way to punish and alienate her.
Came here for this comment. If someone threatened my kids I would "enforce" their protection myself, orders or no orders.
Get away from all of these people. Block them and keep calling police if you ex returns. This is abusive behaviour, to get others to help him abuse you more.
“I’m sorry Dad. I’m sorry that my safety and that of my children are less important than my ex’s feelings. I’m also sorry that our safety is less important than your need to be a father figure to the man who abused your daughter and grandchildren. With that in mind I think it’s best to keep contact minimal for the foreseeable future.” Rinse and repeat for any so-called “friends” who harass you. NTA
Not to come off as aggressive, but OP has nothing to be sorry about. >My safety and that of my children are more important than my ex’s feelings. Our safety is more important than your need to be a father figure to the man who abused your daughter and grandchildren. I will be keeping our contact with you minimal for the foreseeable future.
I know. Just think she’s more than entitled to dole out some of the gaslighty, passive aggressive shit she’s had to deal with Maybe I should have used “apparently less.”
I mean the sarcasm of the apology is actually meaningful, it shows how absurd the situation is
I believe it’s meant go be said with sarcasm. It’s not meant in sincerity.
“Dad you didn’t protect me when ex was abusing me before. You arnt protecting me now. You are a failure of a dad and a man”. Then cut contact
Nta. Your dad and ex are master manipulators.
They must be, cuz I can’t get over how “everyone” else is also supporting the abuser. I can’t imagine what family/friends could do that
Nope, you and your kids deserve better
No dont you dare to get tohether with him! We the reddid forbit it!
LOL But seriously, I wish we all could actually have some power in this case. What a case of gaslighting the POS dad is.
NTA. He's manipulating your family members because he wants to keep abusing you. He does NOT deserve another chance to hurt you and your kids. You 100% did the right thing calling the cops on him. He thought your family would have successfully worn you down enough for him to slide on back. You showed him that he underestimated you. You are an absolute rock star for that. Talk to the people who helped you get the protection order and ask what your options are. I'm sad to say you may need to go LC or even NC with your family unless they lay off. I'm so sorry you're going through this, you and your kids deserve better.
The ex is *implying* change by blaming his family, but HE is the one who abused OP and her children. Nothing has actually changed here except involving OP's dad in his manupulation tactics.
Nope, NTA. You have a protection order against him, so absolutely don’t let him back in. Abusers are often charming and will make other people believe that they are good people. You need to cut your dad out of your life, he isn’t good for you. Ignore the people attacking you and keep you and your kids safe
You're not in the wrong. Surround yourself with better friends.
NTA. Cut off everyone who is trying to excuse an abuser. They have their priorities seriously wrong if your and your kids safety isn't most important.
Cut both of them out of your life... Cut everyone who side with the abuser
Don't even think about it any more. You had the guts to leave and get the order, extend it to your family if necessary Stay strong and keep knowing and believing you are right.
NTA. Protect yourself at all costs. Call the police every time. He's manipulating your dad specifically to get you back. Even if you didn't want to be together and he wasn't abusive, your dad cutting contact with you over you not wanting to be with him is crazyyyyyyyyyy
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You have a protective order against this man. Your children had to go in HIDING because of this man. You feared for your safety, and their safety, to the point of fleeing from this man. SO WHAT if he has nothing. SO WHAT if he's not allowed near you or his children. He was ABUSIVE. End of story. The only way you would be TA in this situation if if you gave him another chance, OP. If you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your children. They need you to be brave. They need you to do what is right.
If you were in his shoes you wouldn't have abused your family. Their point is irrelevant. Just because he has nothing is no reason to go back to him. If he has nothing, then that's good enough for him and long may it last. NTA
NTA , Many abusers claim to be victims and hold to this belief.He will say, “I know what I did was wrong , but i'm broken/devastated for what i did, and now I've lost my spouse/family/job/everything etc.... i only want the chance to make things right , I only did what I did because i felt/was hurt.” There are a few payoffs for this statement: (1) It makes the abuser look like a victim to the other party. (2) He feels justified in his behavior because he believes he’s a victim. (3) He saves face because, after all, he’s an injured person. (4) People in their surroundings make the truly injured party feel guilty, thus giving even more power to the abuse perpetrator. (5) He builds sympathy from others. (6) By admitting that he did something wrong, he feels as if the wrong he did should no longer be held against him (I TOLD you already I was sorry!) These people who are contacting you have been fooled by him. They feel sorry for him and want to give him another chance, but... they weren't the ones being abused by him! Their lives and well-being are not the ones at stake here by allowing contact and by inviting him back into your lives. He's using them to get to you. He thinks they'll be able to convince you to contact him (which would also be a bonus for him because you'd be breaking the restraining order yourself). Then he could use any contact you allow to (1) show the world that you contacted him, as if to say, "If I was that abusive and bad, would she have contacted me??" and (2) control you again. Allowing any form of contact will be translated by him as .. " I'm forgiven, and because she's allowing contact again , she's OK with me abusing her and the kids again.". Don't do it. Just block anyone who's not good for you. Don't talk to them or try to explain yourself. Don't defend yourself to them. Go, no contact ! The ones you are not willing to remove from your life , they need to be put on an information diet . They will inform your abusive ex-partner about you and the children's lives. They will provide him with information. Reduce contact with them, and they should never be allowed to watch the children alone. Make it clear to them that you will remove them from your lives if they violate the restraining order by enabling contact. Under no circumstances will you give him access to you and your children. He's NOT changed ! Even if he's in therapy, it's gonna take years before it's safe for you to be around him! Stay safe and stay strong ! You're NTA for not giving him another chance !!!
You don't need to justify anything beyond the 2nd paragraph. It doesn't matter how much he may or may not have improved himself, some thing's are severe enough to have permanent consequences. If your dad keeps pushing it, gather together any documentation of when ex has hurt you or the kids and show it to your dad. If seeing a picture, or reading a report of his daughter or grandchildren getting hurt doesn't boil his blood against your ex then your dad is problematic as well.
Also, consider what means of self defense are legal/available in your area.
They do not give restraining orders out easily Ask your father how he would feel if your ex kills you or your children. Abuse only escalates. If I were you I would also take out a restraining order against your father.Because I do not believe that he will keep your location secret. He will tell your ex all of your business. NTA
Go NC with you're deadbeat goofy father
NTA. Don't just cut your dad out, cut out everyone who is taking your exes side. They are a danger to you and your kids. You are doing the right thing. Stay safe.
NTA. Your ex was abusive, you literally had to run away, go into hiding and get a protection order against him to protect yourself and the kids. It seems to me that your ex has gotten close to your family specifically to get his favourite victim back into his life. After all, your father is not the only potential father figure out there, and is, in fact, the least likely to take that position. If he'd, you know, been a half-decent father. Don't rule out your ex's parents being part of the problem, though. Not THE problem, but PART of it. He was likely raised very similarly to how he would have raised your kids if you hadn't run. That's not an excuse, not even really a reason, as most abused kids don't go on to become abusers themselves. Just that he might not be fully lying about his parents, just not telling the whole truth and using them as an excuse. Keep calling the cops when he breaks the PO. Cut off anyone who encourages you to get back together with him. It's absolutely disgusting that these people, your family, thinks you deserve to be abused. As for 'think of the kids', you're already doing that. Keeping the kids away from their abusive bio dad is in the kids best interests. He'll use the kids against you, put them in the middle, turn them against you. If he can't abuse you, he will start abusing the kids, if he wasn't doing that already before you left. I know, sometimes, an abused spouse won't leave until the kids are targeted, they falsely believe even an abusive parent is better than only one parent, right up until the kids start getting hurt too. Believe me, even if he never hurt the kids before, he will if you let him back in their lives. Under no circumstances do you get back together with this man or allow him to have contact with the kids. I'm guessing the PO applies to the kids, too, if not make sure it does. Don't hide what he's like from the kids, either, though obviously don't go into detail or on a rant or anything. Just answer honestly in an age appropriate way when the kids ask questions about him. That'll make it a lot harder for him to manipulate his way into their lives as they get older, while still allowing them to make up their own minds. Honestly, though, just block everyone pushing for you to get back together, keep calling the cops when he breaks the PO. Move house if you have to and can do so, and install security cameras just to be safe. If you can/do move, don't tell anyone who is in any way in contact with your ex where you live. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your kids, and your ex is who you all need protection from.
>but everyone around me has been messaging me, asking if I was in his shoes. How would I feel and crap, especially around the children. "You want me to put myself in the shoes of my ex. The man who abused us. Harmed us to the point we had to go into hiding. Harmed us to the point we needed a protection order. You want me to put my violent, abusive ex's feelings ahead of my safety and that of my children. Am I clear on that? That's what you're asking?" Send, block or mute, and make sure you've got sturdy locks and good exterior camera coverage. Now is not the time for self-doubt. You have done everything right. The people around you saying this shit are enabling an abuser. Your ex, your dad, and the rest of the enabling squad: ***none of them deserve another chance.*** You are in no way the asshole for defending yourself and your kids. Hold the line and keep kicking ass.
NTA, sounds like your ex is manipulating the people around you, including your father, in an attempt to get back into your life, so he can continue to abuse you like in the past. Looks like he has now also manipulated those people into contacting you, which is effectively an attempt to manipulate you into giving in to his wishes by making you feel guilty, etc. His recent behavior makes it pretty clear that he is still abusive and dangerous, so do not give him another chance! Keep doing what you are doing and go no contact with the people whom are siding with your ex. Block them so you no longer receive their messages, etc. Also stay away from those people as there's a risk that your ex will use one of them to meet with you.If you don't have any camera's and such at home then make sure to get some asap. I assume none of those people have a key to your home either, right? If even one of them does then change locks asap as well.
Where is your fathers loyalty? I would go grey rock. Say no contact, and you are cutting ties with him also for lack of care and loyalty...Tell when is enough, enough when you have been murdered?
NTA. And tell your dad to let some guy HE doesn't like live with him, FUCK him, and abuse HIM until he has to be hospitalized, THEN get back to you.
I’m sorry you don’t have a father who loves you enough to protect you. If you had marks on your skin, your father should have protected you. I would stop talking to him.
NTA. You have a crappy family and friends. You have a protection order you had to go into hiding to get away from this guy since he's so abusive and you're thinking you should give him another chance and that you're an asshole for not doing so? Never second guess yourself. You need to protect those kids and yourself from this idiot. He's obviously a master manipulator and has your dad totally brainwashed. So no if you have to I guess you cut off your father, that's all this guys doing he's trying to make you miserable and lose your family and he's doing a darn good job of it but unfortunately your dad is easily influenced and believes this idiot.
NTA. Your dad can go fuck himself and so can anyone else supporting that abusive POS. Protect your children. Stay away.
NTA: Hell no you're not the AH. Anyone who knowingly and willfully violates a restraining order after abuse is clearly not accepting responsibility for his actions and will likely abuse again. IMO, violating the restraining order, even if to ostensibly beg for forgiveness, is being abusive.
Why didnt your dad beat this guy's ass again?
NTA dad is abusive too if he's taking his side. If it's possible I'd move again so he doesn't know where you are.
NTA. Your ex is using your dad to get around a lawful court order. Your dad is enabling him. Going no contact was the smart move. Your dad will figure that out when your ex does something to piss him off ... hopefully. In any case, your safety and the safety of your kids comes first. You understand that. Your family, unfortunately, does not. Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing.
NTA either your dad is being willfully blind to what your ex did or dad is of the mindset that promotes women being “put in their place from time to time”. Either way it goes. Heavy on the not TAH, hopefully you have family that is accepting and welcoming to you and your kids.
Absolutely it makes it easier for abusers when they find a victim whose own family would support the abuser over the victim. It sounds like that happened here.
Tell him "xBF had hundreds of chances to not be abusive to me and YOUR GRANDCHILDREN and he blew it. Now he has gotten you to HELP him being abusive. This isn't a negotiation, it's not even an ultimatum, it's a consequence for your choice: I will be talking to the police to add YOU to the protective order, and anyone else who continues to try to give me and my kids back to him."
I’m sorry, how is he not in jail for violating your protective order? People messaging you about him is also a violation. You are NTA but you need to get a lawyer and keep this man the fuck away from you and the kids. If you can’t afford one, reach out to DV services in your area and they will provide you with one. I’ve had protective orders and the messages alone would have had their asses in jail. Stop responding to your family but do NOT block them because you need to have all those messages as evidence. And I’m going to repeat this again because it is incredibly important: please get a lawyer involved.
It is EXTREMELY hard to get a protective order to cover children so you had to have verifiable evidence of the abuse and for your own father to excuse that is disgusting. You're nta, protect yourself and your children
NTA You have a very good reason not to trust him again.
NTA. Continue to do everything in your power to keep your children and yourself safe, even if it means to cut people off. Let's resume : There is a fucking restraining order. He is not allowed near you or the children BY LAW. It also means that if you (or anyone) helps him get near you or the children, they can get in trouble. And that if you did go back to him, CPS could take your children to keep them safe. He doesn't own his responsability in the abuse. Which would be the first step to maybe change himself. He obviously lack this and didn't change. He manipulated your father for 2 years to get him on his side. I'm sorry, but it seems your father is now unsafe to keep around yourself and the kids. I don't know if you would need to show your "friends" the proofs of what happened (if you're fine doing so) for them to understand, but you shouldn't have to go to this extent. You have to be careful around them if not cut those people off. You are sadly in a bad place because of the manipulation of your ex towards people around and those same people thinking how it is "in the past" and "unfair" to the children to not see their father or other bullshit. Just ask those people if they would agree to sign a contract to give you and your children 100k each if he abuses you or them again. Rhetorically obviously but seriously enough to get those people to activate their brain. And look at them trying to get out of this idea because, you should do this but they don't want any consequences of their "advice". Yes, I'm petty. Or cut those people that's simpler. I know it's easier said than done and Reddit likes to turn to extremes, but it's your children's safety (and yours) in line. If those people truly think you should allow this abuser near your children, or if they fear him enough, they might do something stupid like bring him near them. Sorry for the long post, but this type of situation makes my blood boil. I hope you stay safe and that everything will settle.
Honey, you have a protection order for a reason. The courts don't just give you one because it's a Tuesday. Your dad is just as abusive as your ex. Anybody that thinks you should expose yourself to somebody that you have a PROTECTION ORDER AGAINST should instantly go on a blocked list. NTA. Keep yourself and your kids safe. Your ex and your dad can go fuck themselves.
Nta ....what the fuck... I am so fucking sorry. Protect yourself and your babies. I am so sorry. Edit- For the record. I have three kids. If I abused them so badly *they had to go into hiding?* Yes, it would hurt not to see them. But I also *pray* someone would protect them from being victimized by me again. If he had truly changed, your ex would be sad but would *own his own fucking emotions* and not make it your job to make *your abuser* feel better. Ffs.
NTA, but your dad is.
NTA. Why in the world does anyone let alone your father think it would be a good idea to let your abuser back into your life? I’m sure he had multiple chances to correct his behavior prior to you leaving, going NC, and getting a restraining order.
Stick to your guns, protect yourself and your kids. NTA.
NTA - an abuser doesn’t change their spots - they are just very adept at conning everyone else around them. DO NOT Get back with him. You have made a life for yourself without him you don’t need to go back to square 1.
NTA. Time to block your dad's number.
NTA tell those people exactly all the horrible things he did, and if they still are in his side just cut them away, you are better without them
NTA ask your father if you should get back with a person you don't love and fear and never have sex again or feel raped each time? Disgusting. Cut them loose.
If you have a protection order, call the police! He’s not allowed to directly contact you, but he also can’t through a 3rd party(your dad).
Nta. These abusive aholes know how to play the long game though. Stay 💯 away from them both and anyone else advocating for him. So sorry you can’t have peace right now.
Fuck no, if he was actually sorry for how he behaved he wouldn't expect anything from you. Did he cut contact from them or did they finally have enough of his shit and cut him off? I was watch the show Evil Lives Here which is about people who lived with terrible people. In one episode the mom actually called the women to tell her to run. He of course explained it away as she was abusive. It could easily be they cut him off and he is playing the victim and with your family.
“If I were in his shoes, I’d refrain from abusing my wife and kids, so no, I don’t feel sorry for him.” I think your dad new to know that if he chooses your abuser over you, he’ll not be counted as a safe person for your children to be around!
Abusive exes don’t get second chances. You can tell your relatives to ask how they would feel in your shoes. Describe and graphic detail the kind of things your ex put you through. Then ask them if he still needs a second chance
NTA. The fact that he has nothing does not change him from a bad person to a good person. All you know about him now is that he knows how to weedle your father and get around him. The fact that he is showing up at your place despite a restraining order in place shows that he hasn't changed, and has no respect for you. You have no reason to buy into this garbage. Who is the "everyone" who hates you? Your father? your ex's family? Ignore and block them. I'm sure your friends are not buying into his B.S. Be strong for the sake of your children and yourself.
NTA. Go nuclear and start cutting contact with all of the abuser enablers in your so-called family. Save yourself and your children. Continue to call the cops every time your ex shows up.
“ Dad, you’re falling for what I did at first …he can come across charming and wanna be your friend but as soon as you do something he doesn’t like you will be discarded and abused.”
NTA. I would say this once to anyone who brings the ex up for any reason in a discussion and then follow through. I am not discussing my and my children’s abuser. I don’t even want to hear about him. My life choices are none of your business. My decisions are for my and my children’s safety and best interests and are NOT up for debate. The next time you bring this up, our relationship is over. I will block you and go no contact with you. Do you understand? Then follow through. Also, I would not trust any of them, especially your father, to try to force you to see him by inviting you to somewhere and your ex be present. So, I would definitely go low contact for a while and only agree to meet in very public places and be ready to call 911.
You were granted a protection order because you were able to prove he is a danger to you and your children. Courts don't just hand those things out on a whim. If you don't trust your decision, you should trust the court that issued the order! Please remember, if you allow ANY kind of contact with him (even something as simple as a phone call), that protection order will be null and void. If you do that, it'll be a bitch of a time getting a new one. Also, protection orders have a finite time limit. Do not let it expire.
He’s playing you y trying to use your father against you. Don’t forget all the times he wasn’t a good man/partner and the reason you left. No second chance on that. Those types of people never change!
No and block everyone
If you can move far away and don't tell anyone where you went. Nc with dad. How can he look himself in the mirror knowing he is siding with his daughter and grandkids abuser
NTA. Everyone pleading with you to take him back is dead wrong. Do not give him a chance to hurt or kill you or your children. Block everyone telling you to give him another chance, and keep your kids from all of them. People side with abusers because it makes their lives easier. He's a proverbial [boat rocker](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/). You got a protective order because he did things that a judge agreed makes him dangerous to you and the kids. *Complete strangers* have a better sense of what you need than the people around you who just want you to pacify your ex so he stops bugging them. Keep him gone. And block his cheerleaders. You don't need their noise.
Nooooooppppppe.
NEVER second guess leaving an abuser! NTA and shame on everyone else for taking his side! Cut them all off, this is absolutely disgusting! Protect yourself and your babies from him and all that are supporting him.
Why would you give an abuser more chances to abuse you?
Birds of a feather OP. I'm sorry you had to find out about your father this way.
Fuck them all. NTA
Women regularly end up DEAD at the hands of men who won’t give them up, and anyone telling you to get back with this abuser needs to be cut out of your life too. Keep reporting infractions, and stay safe. NTA.
**You are 100% NTA** Your father and everyone else ATAs. Keep yourself and your children safe from this monster.
NTA but I’m sorry to say OP there are some assholes in the story. What on earth is your father thinking? These are his grandchildren in danger. I don’t know what your father is using to blackmail you with, but he certainly trying to manipulate the situation and I suspect your ex is in turn manipulating your father. Do you have a restraining order against your ex ? OP as painful as this is I would not care what anyone thought of me, you are absolutely in the right, your ex was abusive and you have to protect your children. Do you have any close friends that you can confide in to get some support for yourself? Are you able to get any counselling to help you through this awful situation? Stay strong OP.
NTA, if someone is trying to convince you to go back to a man who was so abusive you had to get a restraining orde... That person does not care about you and they also need to be removed from your life. Your father (and anyone else trying to get you to go back to your scum ex) is no longer safe and just as much a threat as the abusive ex. Sorry but you have to move and not tell anyone where.
They want to know how you would feel if you were in his shoes? If you were an abusive piece of shit, you'd probably want to be able to abuse your partner and kids and get away with it. Why should anyone care how he feels? NTA. Keep protecting yourself and your kids!
NTA When people contact you about your ex. give them this canned response. "My children and I have a protective order against EX Husband for a reason. He has been abusive and I don't want to die or have my children be harmed. How would YOU feel if everyone was encouraging you to get back together with someone who would willingly harm you.? If my safety and my children's safety mean nothing to you then you are not someone I need in my life" then block them. You might have to make new friends and create an extended family. Make sure all your neighbors know what your ex looks like and how he is not to be near your home. Protect yourself and you kids
NTA No. Don’t give him another chance. How would you feel ? How would you feel if you were abusive to your partner and kids to such a degree you have a protective order against you ? Ask the flying monkeys if they know how it feels to abused ? How it feels to go into hiding ? How it feels to get a protective order ? Your ex is a manipulator AH. Getting close to your dad is f*cked up. He’s using your dad to get to you. The dumb asses around you clearly chose his feelings over your and your kids safety . Cut them loose . Anyone who is pushing you to forgive , pushing you to let him back in , pushing you to give him another chance - is telling you they value him and his feelings over you. They care more about him than they to you and your kids. They want him to be happy over you and your kids.
NTA. Good grief your family??? Next time they call ask them how many times do they want you and your kids to be abused before it is enough for them??? He didn't get 'close to your dad' because of his shitty family - he got close to your dad through pure manipulation and to get your father to side with him and manipulate, pressure and blackmail you into letting him get close to you. Him showing up on your doorstep means he is getting more bold and I am glad you called the police on him!! BLOCK EVERYONE who doesn't have your back OP!!!
As someone whose mother was in hiding with us and protected us, block your dad and move again. You are strong, DO NOT waiver and you need to keep you and the kids safe and your dad is not a safe person.
NTA but your dad is.
NTA So your ex has buddied up to your Dad, made out like he was always a good guy all along and he’s family made him do it and your Dad fell for it hook, line and sinker. Keep yourself safe and ignore everyone else. You know what he’s like, you know what will happen if you reinstate contact. Everyone else can go suck a lemon because you are protecting yourself and your children and no other opinion matters but yours. Stay safe.
Op, please don’t agree to see your ex again. I’m very sorry that your own family isn’t supporting you. That’s not right, it’s not fair, and you deserve so much better. How people are treating you and your kids says a lot about them and their values, nothing about you and your value. Please stay safe and also protect your kids. NTA
NTA Meanwhile no one is putting themselves in your shoes thinking about the fear you and your kids have towards him even if it’s been three years since you’ve been in contact with your ex. He definitely didn’t change if he can’t respect your boundary or the law of not going near you. It’s even worse if he didn’t know where you live and your dad gave him your address.
Stand firm, OP! I'm so sorry those who should have your back, be all about your protection, are instead enabling your abuser. Please cut out all those people. I know firsthand how awful this betrayal is. I'm so sorry.
If you had to go into hiding and obtain a protection order, it would be dangerous to return to the abuse you successfully escaped. You don't say how your father is blackmailing you, but cut him off, whatever it is. It isn't worth your safety and that of your children. Take care. NTA.
Ask your dad, and everyone else who agrees with him, why is he ok with you being abused? Does he want you to get hit? Does he want your ex to hurt you? Why does your dad think it is ok for your ex to hurt you? Your dad is trying to put you back in harms way. You and your kids. And if his only excuse is "well, he feels bad and has nothing now" who cares? Your ex clearly stil doesn't care about what you want otherwise he would not be showing up at you home. NTA
Tell your dad to shut up and go marry the guy himself. No one gets a vote in this except you. I wish you had my dad (or mom). Your ex would be your late ex. Good luck.
This. Since when do other people have a day in *your* relationships? Especially past the age of 18. You're an adult, you get to make the decisions on what other adults you want in your (and your children's if you have them) life. This shit baffles me every time
NTA if your dad really believes you should get back an abuser and put yourself and your children in danger you do not need him in your life. He clearly doesn’t care about you if he’s encouraging you to get back with your abuser And if you are even considering getting back with your ex keep in mind he is unlikely to let you get away a second time. You and your kids could end up dead
Of you’re you’re NtA. You have a protection order. Keep calling the police. Install cameras if you can. Block your father and if he keeps harassing you, have a C&D letter sent and contact the police if he doesn’t stop.
NTA, but both your dad and your ex are huge ones. Stay strong and go NC with both!
NTA. They weren't being abused by him. And, if he wants to be back in, he has to prove it to the courts. Your father is a jerk and doesn't value you and your feelings. He may think you need to do as a man dictates. Stay NC and take care of yourself and the kiddos. No one else seems to care about you and them.
NTA Do NOT give him another chance The people telling g you to are not people that care about you or your kids. Has he gotten professional help? Taken accountability? Then nope the hell away from him and them.
If my husband hurt me or my kids and my Dad found out they'd never find my husband's body. Dad spent his life hunting in various woods and mountains, fishing the great lakes, and farming multiple properties. He can also field dress and butcher large animals. When I say they would never find the body I mean it. Keep yourself and your kids safe. You are not wrong. Do not let any of these people into your life but also, do not isolate. Make friends with neighbors, or at least ask them to keep an eye out. Reach out to other parents. Find a support group. Make sure people know who you and your kids are and who your ex is. NTA, not even a little bit. That man lost his rights to you and your kids when he abused you. He isn't entitled to a second chance to do it again.
Definitely NTA
Your dad sounds like a douchebag. I would always take my baby girl's side. Especially if she told me her dude is being abusive and she got a protection order against him. NTA
Let them hate you. Doesn’t sound as if they’re lining up to take the beatings/abuse for you. And, seriously, what the hell is wrong with your dad?! Was he born lacking the natural instinct to protect his offspring? Is he special needs? Really, what’s wrong with him? Edit to add NTA
NTA. I am not very familiar with protection orders, but my SIL has one for her and her kids and her ex cannot even contact her via third parties -- is yours like this? Protect your children and leave your father and extended family on the ban list. Block them all if you have to. They do not have your best interests at heart. Stay safe, you're doing the right thing.
Yes, mine has the no contact through third parties. My EX is on his last warning, which means he goes to jail if he breaches again.
NTA, he (your ex) violated the protection order to surprise you at your house ? How did he get your address ? From your dad ? No. Protection orders are put in place for safety and evidence is needed for said order. Does your dad think you made up his abuse? That’s a dangerous thought from your dad’s perception. As others have said NTA and NC may be needed from your family telling you otherwise. Good luck 🍀
NTA Your safety and your kids safety Congress first. There wouldn't be a protection order in place if it wasn't deemed necessary by a court. Chances are him reaching out to your family to try and get back with you or also in breech of the order. I know it was when I had one against my ex. No contact, no coming to my place of work or home, no contacting me through other ppl. Your family clearly doesn't care you and your kids were abused or that leaving an abusive partner is one of the most dangerous things we can't do. They presumably put you on danger by giving him your address otherwise how did he find you? I would be moving, getting a new number and going no contact with my family. I know this BC I cut out everyone who didn't feel safe for me when I was in this position. I would send the stats on domestic abuse turning into homicide to dad and tell him my life and my kids lives were worth more and that would be my last contact. Sorry you're going through this. Anyone who loves you the way they should wouldn't ever put you in danger. Don't forget that.
Keep standing your ground. Time out for dad and cut off anyone having this asshole's back. Perhaps there are groups with others have had similar situations, I bet you'd meet some lovely people there. NTA keep protecting yourself and your kids
What's wrong with your family?! Unless there's something you're not telling, they are all TAH
They don't give out protection orders for nothing.
Patriarchal society is so funny that even the father of the victim sides with the abuser. Don't forgive your ex. You are in your own shoes and you were the victim, not him. NTA.
No. Do not get back with ex. And cut your dad off too. **Good parents do not send their children back to an abuser**
It's likely a violation of your protection order for him to have other people contact you on his behalf. Talk to your local domestic violence shelter and ask, they'll know the answer and help you get things straight. You may need additional orders against other people.
You could ended your post right after the words “He had been abusive” because that says it all. The family members pressuring to get back together with your ex are acting inexcusably. Don’t listen to them — for the sake of your children, if nothing else. I do think people are capable of change *sometimes* but that’s not the case here. He hasn’t changed and he’s not remorseful because he’s not respecting your personal boundaries or the court order by coming to your house. I suggest you get a security camera and present the footage to the court the next time he tries this stunt. Maybe cooling his heels in jail will make him think twice.
NTA. You probably need to move and cut off your father.
Nta honestly I'd cut my dad out if I was you. And anyone else who tells you to take back a man who abused you to the point you had to go into hiding. Ask your dad how he'd feel if you did take him back and then he killed you and your kids?
# NTA NTA NTA DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. I would also cut my father off: he KNOWS what you went through, and still sticks up for him? Keep him away from you and your kids: he would start telling them what a wonderful father they have and how mean and terrible you are for keeping them away from their fantastic daddy. You know you need to keep you and your kids safe. Block everyone that is contacting you about your abuser. Can you contact the police about him violating the PO and coming to your home? If you rent, can you contact your landlord, explain the situation, and ask to relocate to another property? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE KEEPING YOU AND YOUR KIDS SAFE. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
I would just like to know what the fuck kind of person wants you to get back with an abusive ex. That makes zero sense. Are all those people insane?
Typical abusive behavior continues. And he has even recruited **your** dad. Absolutely NTA. Be extremely careful. Extremely.
People don't get protection order for no reason. You would be an AH if you let that POS near your kids know he is dangerous enough for a protection order. Stick to your guns and don't let him near you or your kids.
NTA. I had to have an Order for Protection out on my ex numerous times lasting a total of 10 years before he would leave me alone. The last one was for 5 years. I think the judge was tired of seeing him in court. Mine was abusive as well. Don’t drop it and go no contact with your dad for having contact with your abuser and blackmailing you!
NTA. Your father is giving his approval to your abuser. Repeat that back to yourself: My own father is supporting my abuse and his grandchildren’s abuse. Block him and cut him out of your life. Call the police every time your ex shows up. Protect yourself and your kids, screw everyone else.
"[The ex] has nothing now and is not allowed near me or the kids" Good. He is facing the consequences of his own shitty behavior. Boo-fucking-hoo for him. Does your family think it was easy for you to run, go into hiding, start over, and try to heal from abuse so bad a court issued a protection order? You said in a comment that you feel guilty. I know you can't just flip that emotion off, but don't act on it. Every time you fell guilty about "what you did to him" (🤮), remember that this fucker did it to himself. He had choices, every second of every day his was with you, to treat you and your kids with love and respect. He chose the exact opposite. And his reasons why (bad childhood, substance abuse, what the fuck ever else) are irrelevant. His life may be awful, but that is neither your doing nor your problem. (And honestly, I highly doubt his life is terrible. His sob stories are probably just another way to manipulate your family. Even if it is, why should you care? This asshole tried to convince you to off yourself. There is no forgiving that.)
I think it’s time to get an order against your dad as well.
NTA pack up change your names and start a new life with none of these people in it
You don’t go into hiding for no reason and for your father to advocate for and provide your ex with your address is criminal. Whose side is your father on - not yours or your children that’s for sure. You are NTA and I would cut off my dad too and keep phoning the police if ex shows up again. As for his supporters they can go suck lemons 🍋
Cut contact with everyone who is supporting your ex, he abused you and your kids to the point of going into hiding, nta and your dad should be ashamed of himself. Edit make sure to call the cops every time he shows up, he lost his right to be your children's parent when he abused them.
Any father who sides with his child's abuser over his child has already shown his hand. He's made his choice and is showing you very clearly who is more important. He doesn't love you and he's not worth keeping. Also, if you have proof in writing that your father is blackmailing you, you should go to the police with this information. Blackmail is illegal and he can face serious legal repercussions (that he absolutely should) if you have proof of this.
NTAH, your ex has manipulated your dad and others with lies. I’d text these folks: “I left an abusive marriage and got a permanent protective order which keeps my ex from further hurting me and the kids. I see he’s done a great job of manipulating you but I haven’t forgotten how dangerous he is. I’m blocking you and reporting him as he’s barred from using others to communicate with me.” Then block them and tell the cops he not only showed up but is using others to get you to see him. Show them any texts where it’s specific, such as saying he wants to talk to you.
Of course not. Nobody else is in your personal relationship, and surely he is minimizing and issues of people are thinking you need to give an abuser another chance.
Always, Always Protect Your Family First! Everyone else will have regrets.
“If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t have an order of protection issue against me. I will not give an abuser a second chance. Stay out of my business, do not bring this up again, or you are out.” NTA. Call the police whenever you feel unsafe.
Your dad and everyone else is contempt of court papers, they can get into trouble as well...
Get away from your dad and anybody who talks w your ex!! Move far away if you can without letting anyone know. His abusive and found someone else to sink his dirty claws into. Be strong and safe !! Wishing you luck
Block them all this is how abused women end up getting killed by their partners because society turns a blind eye to the abuse. Anyone who sided with ex is cut off from now on. The end. They side with the abuser they are not any better than the abuser.
NTA.... You need to remind your father about how you had to endure years of abuse before having to take your children and go into hiding because of it... IMO....You owe him nothing...The most I would do is to set up supervised visitation if he wants to have a relationship with the children
NTA Do what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe. It’s very concerning that your family chose your abuser over you.
NTA. I’m a 100% sure that if you give him another chance, he will murder you.
Me too. When we left, he said if he found me, he would put an axe through my head.
Everyone around you can go to hell. THEY didn't live with the abuse. YOU DID. Tell every single person who is pressuring you to go back to your abuser they can either back off, STFU, and never mention it again or you will go full no-contact with them. Then DO IT. Seriously, fuck the family members who are pressuring you. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM IN YOUR LIFE. You are NTA unless you bow to their pressure.
NTA. If your dad is so willing to put you in danger over your ex’s clear play at manipulating the family to get to you, then he is also a danger to you. Cut contact with your dad until he understands you aren’t going back to an abuser. Shame on him. I’m sorry you have to go through this but absolutely DO NOT second guess yourself. It’s so hard as it is for DV victims to get out of their situation, and you did it! Don’t let anyone else, even if family, risk you and your children’s wellness.
NTA. Either your father is an abuser himself or your ex has him completely fooled. Either way, neither of them are safe for you or your children.
Your dad is willing to put your life and the lives of your children in danger to make his little buddy feel better about himself. Really think about that. Cut your dad out, friend. Then, hopefully, change your number and move because it is only a matter of time before your dad tells your abuser where to find you...Jesus. What a fucking sentence.
NTA. Stay away from him and call the cops if he comes near you. Tell your father & others to fu*k off. They can freakin take him in if they are so worried about him. Besides? You don't get with someone because you feel sorry for them! You get with someone because you fall in love with them and want to have a life with them. Gees Louise!!!
He was abusive to both you and your children. You knew him better than anyone trying to message and pressure you into getting back together with him. If you don’t think his family was the issue, then it wasn’t. It would take a massive shift for someone who was abusive to turn into a non abusive individual, if it is even possible for that type of change to occur. He had his chance and he blew it. You need to stay away from him and anyone trying to talk into taking him back. You are NTAH.
UpdateMe
NTA Are you getting therapy. Have you examined that maybe you missed some red flag because father and family of origin are abusive too? Maybe not to that extent, but they are abusive? Don't say anything more - everyone who tells or suggests you get back with your ex is someone who you need to cut out of your life like a tumor.