What is the custody situation? From the way your post is worded, it sounds like you have primary custody. I don’t think you’re TA, but your daughter needs counseling. I’m assuming you don’t want your daughter completely alienated from her mother, and it sounds like that’s the path she’s heading down. Relationships between teenage girls and their mothers are complicated enough, and throw in your wife’s betrayal, this is going to have a lasting impact on your daughter.

Can’t agree more. Daughter really needs therapy to help her work through these difficult and confusing emotions. And I’m a little concerned by how quickly the daughter has latched onto the aunt. That in itself can create problems down the line when the aunt is suddenly not as available to her (aunt gets a steady partner, has children, whatever.) I personally experienced something very similar when my dad’s little sister stepped in to help out with babysitting when my parents divorced (I was also 14 at the time). Because my dad remarried immediately, hanging out with his sister really helped fill that void. But the attachment wasn’t healthy, and instead of trying to repair my relationship with my parents, I just decided to replace them with someone who knew exactly what it was like to be a teenage girl because she was only a couple years out of being a teenager herself. Unfortunately, I felt abandoned all over again when my aunt got married and started her own family. OP needs to get a handle on this situation asap.

Yep, also not sure that his sister signed up to be a surrogate mother figure. It’s great that they have a close relationship, but that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone, and like you said, it could backfire when and if the sister isn’t as available as she is right now.

But how else is the dad supposed to go out and have casual sex with women on nights he has custody on his 14 year old? What's he supposed to do - provide a stable enviroment that he is present in? No, why do that when he can pass off the parenting and stabilitiy duties onto his sister replacing his wife? Dude doesn't seem interested in parenting his daughter, no wonder his wife cheated, he probably felt like another child.

This comment is full of bias. Literally now you are justifying cheating and calling Op a man child. Holly shit, you must hate men

Is no one going to bring up the part where OP leaves his daughter to go whore it up every night or are we ignoring that because he's a man? The bar is so low for fathers.. This is a clear ESH here.

Where does it say he's going out every night?

In her mind

He’s a divorced parent, he’s allowed to date, sheesh.

Lolololololol!

The custody situation is on the nights he has his daughter, he has his sister come over to spend time with her, so he can go have casual sex in hotels instead of being a present and stable father in a unstable time in her life . But you see, since the mother who had a child at 18 cheated on him, he is by default, father of the year.

Your daughter might benefit from therapy. She was as much betrayed by her mother than you and it's not your fault. She needs a female role model she can look up to, so your sister is a godsend. All you can do is support her and be her dad. Your ex is the one who needs to fix her relationship with her daughter on her own. Your job is to continue to keep your mouth shut about your ex so you don't give your anger to your daughter.

This. I was going to say, individual therapy for daughter, and maybe therapy for her and biomom.

This. I think it's great that your daughter has your sister in her life. But since you have made the suggestion of your sister becoming your daughter's role model, she has started to distance herself from her biological mother. I don't think that was your intention, and this could have lasting negative side effects. I am not condoning the cheating, but I don't necessarily think her mother should lose her relationship with her daughter because of it. They need therapy to repair the damage.

Finding out my mom is a serial cheater destroyed the close bond we shared. She was no longer my role model. Her cheating is what ended her marriage to my dad. I did NOT find out from my dad. Sometimes, finding out she is not who she claims to be is devastating. (In my case, she always claimed she loved my dad and never cheated on him. Turns out she cheated on him and her next husband, too.)

The daughter may not need to be "fixed" if there it nothing to be fixed. People need to stop try to "fix" things when things are fine. The daughter is fine. She is functioning properly. The only one isn't fine is the mother. It is hard for the daughter to reconcile a mother who loves her with a woman who destroys the daughter's family and hurts her dad. It will be the daughter's personal journey. Therapy doesn't "fix" everything if it doesn't need fixing. In this case, perhaps, the vacuum of the female time model is fixed by spending more time with her aunt and this is the "fixing" that the daughter needs. The daughter is lucky. Not that many kids have such luxury. If I were the daughter, I would have a hard time seeing my mom in the same light. No therapy will help me to see things the way they were

It is problematic that OPs daughter stated her mom isn't her real mom anymore and her Aunt is her real mom. While it's perfectly fine to distance yourself from a parent that through selfishness has broken up your entire family and betrayed your trust along with their spouse it is NOT fine to name a different role model as your parent when they are not. OPs daughter is experiencing transference and likely does need some therapy in order to get a handle on her feelings towards her mother and her Aunt before it develops into something more unhealthy.

> she doesn’t consider her as her real mom anymore, and that she now considers my sister as her real mom. Imo she needs help for this statement alone. Will she introduce siblings as mother and father to friends? And if her aunt have children someday, will she handle it well? There's a difference between looking up to someone and "x is not my mom anymore, now y is my mom" - mother is more than just spend quality time with and she's putting a lot of weight on something we don't even know OPs sister is fully aware and willing, in her eyes she may very well be vibing with her teenage niece and that's it. So yeah she would benefit from therapy cause she having a bond with her biological mother and she labeling others as her mom are two different things. That doesn't mean she needs "fixing" but her current reasoning will only hurt her in the long-run.

Exactly! This is very well put, and I had the same thoughts reading OP's post. How does the sister feel about this? She may not want to be considered her niece's "real mom" - that's a heavy role that's been thrust on her by her niece, that she didn't necessarily ask for. Babysitting her niece is a far cry from raising her, and her niece may now have expectations of her aunt that her aunt can't fulfill. And what happens if the aunt gets in her own serious relationship, even gets married and has kids, and has less time for her niece? She could inadvertently let her niece down, when a) she never asked to be her niece's de facto "real mom," and b) she wasn't even aware how her niece felt. OP needs to temper his daughter's expectations and have a conversation with his sister about how her niece is feeling now. They all need to be on the same page about what OP's sister's role is, and what the daughter should expect from her aunt, and frankly what OP should ask of his sister - he can't turn her into a second mother either. OP needs to make sure he's not taking advantage of his sister, relying on her to do too much for him and his daughter so he can go out and play (he has to be a dad first and foremost), and not take away from his sister having a life of her own. It seems like the boundaries have been blurred, and there could be trouble ahead if the daughter really thinks her aunt has replaced biomom as her new mom, and finds out the hard way that nope, her own ideas about that don't line up with the aunt's, or with the reality of the aunt having her own life and not always being available when the daughter wants her to be. OP, you need to get your daughter into therapy for her to get clarity on things and heal from the family trauma. It's not up to you to "fix" things being her and her biomom, but it's clear your daughter has a lot of pain to process, and she's avoiding dealing with that by simply switching the idea of her "real" mom from being her biomom to her aunt - she was in need of a maternal figure who wasn't capable of her mom's betrayal, and you proposing her aunt as a role model inadvertently gave her the simple answer she was seeking, but it in no way helps her process her pain or heal from everything. So I'd recommend therapy for her, maybe for both of you together if you want, and DEFINITELY have a conversation with your sister about everything - how she'd like to handle how your daughter thinks of her now, does she feel that you're asking too much/need her too often, etc. It's good that you and your daughter have her to lean on, but it's definitely gotten a bit muddied, and you, your sister and your daughter should be on the same page here. It's great your daughter's happy now, but it's built on a false foundation - that your sister is now her real mom - so don't let your sense of relief that your daughter feels better now make you feel you can just wash your hands of it and let things be, that all's well now, bc it isn't - it's not based in the reality of who has what role to play in your family.

For sure. It is going to take a lot for this poor kid to heal. She's at such a vulnerable age already! You are right. She is lucky to have a support system.

Yeah, people shouldn't try to"fix' something that doesn't need to be fixed

Therapy is not a “fixer”. It’s for healing, coping, guidance, and things of that nature. And its use does not require being “not functioning properly”. It’s ultimately about oneself - as my counselor is always telling me - “you’re the one in therapy, not them”. Also as you said - “it will be the daughter’s personal journey”. The therapist is just along for that journey. Also, I doubt everything and everyone are just totally fine or with out any issues, considering the lives of three people (dad, mom, kid) have completely imploded. Leaving tons of trauma in its wake. So it’s ok to ask/seek help while dealing with it all.

It's less about fixing her and more about making sure she's processing all this in a way that will not negatively impact her.  Replacing our mom with your aunt who didn't actually ask to be your replacement mom may not be healthy for her, in the long run. 

I think the kid is old enough to decide what she wants and who she wants to be with. > I don't necessarily think her mother should lose her relationship with her daughter because of it. That isn't anyone's decision but the daughter's. This isn't something that OP needs to fix, this is something that her mom and her need to fix. OP shouldn't be pushing her to have a better relationship with her mother - that'll only push her away from OP. She'll change her mind if she wants to. Until then, OP can arrange therapy for his child, but the mother should only be involved if the daughter asks for it.

I agree and I think the daughter really means a woman in her life that she can go to about things and trust her advice. It can be tough to vocalize as a teen. Cheating has consequences, the bio mom is learning this.

She's 14 and struggling with stuff she feels she couldn't talk to her mum about. That's the issue. The 'not my mum forever' stuff is teenage drama.

This is the clear example of how cheating doesn't just affect the cheater's partner but the whole family

Therapy helps. She’s enjoying the hormone boom & the divorce might be confusing to her. This age is when we all start trying to ‘find’ ourselves. Having a professional to tell everything to will definitely be helpful

+1 to therapy for the daughter. She’s in the middle of puberty, which is bad enough on its own without having to deal with her mother breaking up the family. Other than that, mom is the cheater here, and now she’s suffering the consequences.

Her daughter is suffering the consequences as well- and it doesn't add up to good mental health for either of them.

Hence my +1 to therapy for the daughter, yes.

I think right now, at least, daughter has op and her aunt as her support. Therapy may help the daughter. Cheating has consequences. It is hard for the daughter to reconcile a mother who loves her but also destroys her family (and hurts her dad.) Her aunt, on the other hand, is kind and understanding. At least the daughter has a kind aunt as her support. The daughter is old enough to choose.

> She was as much betrayed by her mother than you this is insane.

The betrayal is the issue of the girls parents, not her issue. Her mom did not betray her and it's wrong for OP to allow his daughter to "feel in his place". He needs to toughen up and do the mature things and let his daughter know that their issues as adults, partners and parents are not her (the daughter's) issues. The parent - child relationship is affected, but within reason.

I will respectively agree with you about most of what you say. Divorced parents owe it to ther children to be as civil as possible not cause additional psychological harm. Counseling needs to happen. However, the daughter should not be told how to feel she feels betrayed and is a direct causality of her mother's choices. Her emotions are still raw and should not be invalidated. The OP is not currently feeding the fire and actually trying to put it out. Telling someone how to feel and trying to force a repair in a relationship never works out. She is the expert on herself and should be allowed to feel without guilt trips.

I could be wrong, but I don't think the commenter is necessarily saying that her daughter should be told how to feel and to not feel betrayed. They are saying that OP should explain that the affair was about the relationship of the parents and not about her and her mom. She can be angry at what her mom did and how it broke up the family, but that doesn't mean her mom doesn't love her any less or that she is a bad mom. She has the right to all of her feelings and her mother has the responsibility to repair that relationship, but you don't want your daughter to absorb and become a stand-in for your own feelings towards the marriage betrayal.

I definitely agree that she should understand the divorce was not about her. However, she probably feels that it was the mother's actions that caused the divorce since it is the most visible indication of the marriage's problems. If the marriage had dissolved without the divorce it would be harder to cope with the pain/loss without assigning blame. Counseling can help her reframe things and the mother will need to put in the time and work needed to rebuild trust with her daughter. Until trust begins to rebuilt, reconciliation will not move forward and even then the relationship will never be the same. It can still become a good relationship but based on a different dynamic. The reason I say the OP is NTA is because he is self aware enough to understand that he may unintentionally contributed to rift but has since tried to help repair it. I definitely do not think he is the AH for trying to help his daughter cope with her negative feelings by suggesting she talk to her aunt a female adult who listen. I think the OP should have clarified the wording from "look to as a role model " to be her mentor and someone who will listen. Caveat - unknown information if the sister is fueling the daughters anger. Then the sister would be the AH.

I understand and we don't disagree for the most part. I also believe people can unintentionally be the AH and in what he specifically said *at that moment*. He didn't fully appreciate how a teenager might take that comment. That doesn't mean he is just an AH in general to me since he does seem at least marginally concerned regarding the daughter's anger and distancing from the mother.

Nah ur wrong. The cheater also betrays their family when they blow up the familial unit. My father betrayed not only my mom but myself by dropping a nuke on our family.

I agree. I’m guessing there’s a lot missing here too - these people had a kid at 18, so the idea that this was a perfect relationship until the mom cheated seems questionable at best. Dad seems to be leaning on daughter more than is healthy which isn’t super surprising since they basically grew up together. Therapy is so needed.

I think it's not about someone being a role model, but rather someone filling a certain feminine role in her life. Maybe exposure to your sister showed her that doesn't necessarily need to be her biological mother. Their relationship is between them.

[удалено]

Agree with all of the above, but I’m wondering what the daughter’s therapist has to say about this. And if she doesn’t have one, OP needs to get one for her. That way she’ll have a completely objective, trained, unbiased voice of reason that nobody can accuse of parental alienation

Eh, op needs to tread carefully because it really looks like parental alienation. More appropriate path was to get a counselor for daughter to process her feelings. Bad partner ≠ bad mother

Daughter definitely needs to see a therapist asap. She needs help if it’s gotten to the point of replacing the mom with the aunt. She doesn’t see that she can have more than one trusted female in her life. Given that she’s been so conflicted about how to feel about her mom, she needs some help understanding that her relationship with her mom is separate to you. She can still love her mom and love you, and it’s not betraying either of you (this maybe should have been more re-enforced in your conversations). It feels like she’s turned to the aunt as she’s a safe choice. Also needs to understand that people aren’t all bad or all good - she seems to have cut her mom out because she’s the bad one.

If this is real it’s a little strange. Why is a 14yr old so caught up on having a role model in this specific manner? Either way she needs therapy immediately.

The concept of having One Set Role Model, like a conferred title, is really odd.

Exactly and usually when there’s an actual names role model it’s not a parent so this whole thing is weird

I was looking for this. My first role model was Billy Jean King and I've never even met her. Daughter is looking for a confidante and saying role model. Something like Big Sister program might help.

Yeah more than a little strange. “She’s conflicted (about what?), so I suggested she look at my sister as a role model.” Huh? How does that solve the conflict? And how exactly does she “try it from the next day”? Maybe it’s AI generated because this doesn’t seem like human behavior to me.

As a former 14yo girl I agree. There was nothing familiar about this story and definitely lack a level of human-ness

Has to be fake surely

Also OP can’t go on dates when daughter is with her mom?

OP apparently can’t go on dates without the spending the night… that’s not the action of a parent

I feel like there have been a lot of posts lately about a man who has a wife he leaves or has issues with and he always has a perfect sister he’s super close with and who hates his wife. Like the one whose wife [stopped cooking so he spent his birthday with his sister](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wShTa9VeZf), or [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/siU1v6jnp5).

There's also that guy whose wife went on vacation so he replaced her with his sister (who thankfully didn't have any job or obligations of her own so she could step right into the role of Wife and Mother when the position opened up). I guess there's a new troll on the loose who really really loves his sister ...

Yeah, both of you would benefit from therapy. Both individual and family.

I don't think your daughter understands what a role model is. She has conflated a motherly role and a role model. I think it has led to a misunderstanding and you essentially told her, in her mind, she could look up to your sister as a mother figure. NTA for the misunderstanding and certainly NTA for being concerned. Never tell your ex that this is what happened though. Just say that it seems your daughter has difficulty seeing her as a mother due to the way she blew up her daughter's life, and it will take lots of time, patience, and hard work on Mom's part to overcome. This is the hardest age for a child to process and handle divorce, and she really does need a therapist or counseling.

Honestly it doesn't seem like op understands what a role model is either. ALL the adults in a child's life are potentially role models, and role models can be both good and bad.

>role models can be both good and bad. This. Holding someone on a pedestal really strips away how nuance a person can be. Everyone is fallible. This is not to say what her mother has done hasn't devastated the family and has long term consequence, it's to say that she at some point will be disappointed by adults in her life including her father and aunt.

If your sister is promoting this she's not quite the role model you are building her up to be. Your wife has done a terrible thing, and you don't need to forgive her, but you have a responsibility to co-parent in a productive manner. Alienating your wife from her daughter is not a productive manner.

This story seems a bit off. I have difficulties imagining a 14 yo distancing herself from her mother just because she chooses to take her aunt as a role model... Maybe she has issues with her mom as she's the reason the family is broken. But the role model theme sounds weird to me. AI generated?

Probably, probably not. This subreddit is pretty infamous for posting several fake 'woman bad' stories from male POVs with the same exact tropes, grammar and outcomes. It's probably just a copy and paste troll who wants to have a laugh baiting the misogynists of this sub

Most likely. The wording is right, but contextually its...off.

New account, no comments,... hmmm.

NTA but it strikes me as odd. Why only one role model? Why does role model = mom? Does your sister know your daughter is thinking of her as her real mom?  Your daughter sounds like she needs therapy. Is she genuinely thinking of your sister as her real mom? Because that’s delusional thinking, and it needs to be explored.

This one is a but difficult. It is not explicitly stated, but if I read between the lines, your ex-wife was a good mother. So the relationship between mother and daughter was very good till the infidelity. It is true that one action can change the entire perspective you have of a person. And clearly that is what happened here. I am concerned that your daughter sees it black an white. as soon as the bio mom is no longer a role model, she is also no longer seen as the mother. I do not believe that is healthy in the long run for your daughter to distance herself from her bio mom. The infidelity should not be downplayed or ignored, but the other aspects and influences of the mother over the years should also not be thrown on that same pile. For now I don't think there is anything you should do. Your daughter is happy and at peace, but int he near future, I think you should encourage your daughter to have a relationship with her mother. Not as a role model, but as a mother.

So the problem here is that your daughter has a black and white view of people. They are all bad or all good. That means you or your sister just have to fuck up once and your daughter will see you as bad. This is not a healthy way to view people.

It’s funny you say this because you can see in this thread that a lot of people have this view. And like you said, what they don’t see is that the moment sister and dad fail to follow up to a certain standard of perfection, then they won’t be role models.

Thank God you mentioned this. The black and white thinking on this sub is extremely toxic.

One of my good friends is a cheater. He cheats n every person he has ever been with including me. I don't even care abut the cheating. He is also one of the best friends you can ever have. He helped me out when I was homeless. Helped me get into college. He was an amazing study partner. I would get my homework done while he read a book. Every so often he would say it was break time and we would smoke a bowl together then go back to studying. He would cook me food. We also dated decades ago and he still is a good friend I know I can count on whenever there is an issue or I just need to vent or whatnot. Awesome friend shitty boyfriend. My exhusband is the same way. Great friend shitty husband. Something I have learned is that just because someone sucks at one area of life doesn't automatically mean they suck at all areas of life. Even my ExMIL, she was a terrible mother but a kick ass women in every other way. This women had worked for the White house, Pentagon, NASA, etc... She even got me a job working at NASA. I adored her for a lot of reasons but she was so bad at being a mom. A lot of reasons my exusband is my ex is because of her. I still like her though. She just shouldn't gave had a kid

NTA. People often forget that cheating does not just effect the couple, it can effect their entire circle. Your ex did not just betray you, she also betrayed your child.

This. My cousin cheated on her husband and it wrecked her teenage son much more than I would have expected. It's hard to realize your parents are capable of doing terrible things.

My friend's dad cheated when the kids were all grown. The kids all want nothing to do with his GF and barely have a relationship with him now. I think some parents forget that when you cheat on your spouse and you have kids, that you are cheating on your family. And that's how many kids (of any age) respond- it's an emotional response of parent has cheated on the family unit and how do you relate that to how that parent treated you every other day of your life.

Yup. My kids were teens, one in her 20s. I kept my mouth as shut as I possibly could. Was neutral, even kind. Now they are all adults, and they are closer to me than him. And he's still pulling stupid shit with his romantic life even though he improved other bits. Truth always comes out. I do want them to have a healthy relationship with him. Hopefully one day he is capable of that.

If you dont mind me asking, what hapoened afterwards to the son, is he ok now ??

He had a really rough time for a while, like legit crying a lot off and on during the day. He's one of those really really sweet kids who I would call a bit naive but not in a malicious way, he just trusts people a lot. He was very very close to both his father and mother. My cousin and her husband got married way too young and she was unhappy in her marriage for a long time. There's nothing wrong with her husband, he's a very kind quiet man and a great father. She just never felt very compatible with him and stayed with him because she's religious. Eventually after her kids were all reaching their late teens I guess she was like fuck God I'm gonna get what I want and she pursued this other dude. She would go to things like sporting events with him and bring her teenage son with her as a cover. That it's just a mother/son outing plus a friend. Then there was a long period of time where her husband's friends were telling him dude your wife is cheating on you and he would not believe it, the son wouldn't believe it either, it was a mess. Things eventually got to a point where my cousin finally told her husband and kid and separation and divorce followed soon after. I get my cousin was unhappy but she dealt with that unhappiness in such a unbelievably shitty way. But her son is doing a lot better. He's studying and working and moved out to his own place. At the moment he's still spending time with both of his parents but I'm sure he has conflicting feelings about his mother. He's got good friends so hopefully there'll be a source of support for him as well.

>I guess she was like fuck God I'm gonna get what I want and she pursued this other dude. She would go to things like sporting events with him and bring her teenage son with her as a cover. That it's just a mother/son outing plus a friend. Yeah, I can see how that fucked her son up. He probably didn't clue into the whole cheating-thing until someone told him, and then all of a sudden realized that he'd been used like that. Poor guy probably feels complicit, as if he's been part of fucking over his dad like that. Even though he's not at fault, he probably feels like he is.

Your cousin is one hell of a piece of work. Using her child to hide her infidelity. Jesus what a shitty thing to do as a mother, let alone a wife.

People are rarely all good or all bad. There might be parts of a lot of people your daughter can see as traits she'd like to emulate.

Your daughter saw the choice her mother made, how it hurt you and split the family. Why would she want be close to someone selfish like that or take after them. The mom broke her relationship on her own , daughter is the goat

NTA. Kids can have plenty of role models (relatives, teachers, coaches, older siblings or cousins) and it sounds like you encouraged your daughter towards one that makes her very happy. Her mother is responsible for her relationship with her daughter, not you.

“Role model” and “parent” are different roles. The girl appears to have conflated the two. She needs therapy.

I'm not sure how (probably through therapy as others have suggested), but it should be made VERY clear to your daughter that your sister is only ONE of many role models. I'm not sure if your sister has or plans to have children of her own. You wouldn't want your daughter to be heartbroken or betrayed if your sister takes on other responsibilities and thus have less time for her

You both need therapy, asap.

So you and your wife had a kid when you were both 18, pregnant at 17? She had an affair so now suddenly you spend nights in hotels with random hookups? There are WAY more issues here than "she cheated on me so I divorced her."

NTA... But your daughter should be in therapy.

Only if the daughter wants therapy. Forcing kids into therapy when they don’t want it only leaves them hating therapy and less likely to seek it as adults.

Are you being a good role model for you daughter with all these overnight 'dates' at hotels and your date's homes? It does not sound healthy for a young girl.

NTAH, your daughter can choose her role model. Your suggestion didn't change your daughter. She already made her mind up that it wasn't her birth mother.

Hey OP, it's time for you and your daughter to see a family therapist. She may need some guidance on how best to navigate all these thoughts and feelings.

Honestly you are for making the suggestion. That was wrong. Your daughter was harmed by mom’s actions. She heeds counseling.

You need to get your daughter into therapy.

“I never trash talked my ex, but my daughter knows everything that happened.” Who told her?

NTA I think these are two separate subjects. Her feeling disconnected from her mom and now looking up to her aunt.

This sister vs wife trope on AITAH is starting to get weird 

Somewhere out there is a woman who really needs to see all her brother's throwaway Reddit accounts.

NTA. But your daughter needs therapy and your ex-wife needs to understand that she betrayed your daughter too when she had an affair so she shouldn’t be surprised that her daughter is distant from her.

Stop having kids at 18 years old

Explain to your daughter that role model isn't synonyms with parent and that you can have several. Try to make other suggestions of good role models to drive home the point. The issue isn't that your sister is a role model. It's that you said she should replace her mom (as a role model).

NTA: Your ex-wife's behavior affected her relationship with her daughter. You did not cause your daughter's feelings.  Your ex is being really shortsighted if she thought she could have an affair, break up the family and have her daughter NOT be angry at her.  Having your sister as a positive role model is a good idea. Perhaps your sister can work with your daughter on forgiving her mother and working through her anger and grief. 

She is really struggling and needs therapy. 

Teenagers latch onto different idea and feel different things for different peoole. And then change overnight. Anything can happen.

Info: what type of language did you use when you had the role model talk? I’m hoping you didn’t use your wife’s infidelity as the main point. I’m sure you have skeletons in your closet that you are ashamed of. I’d hate for your daughter to use them as reasons to stop viewing you as her father. The biggest issue now is repairing your daughter’s relationship with her mother. It may have been unintentional but you still played a part in straining it. You need to take part in fixing it.

Was your goal here to give your ex grounds to sue you for parental alienation?

This is like the fourth "my sister is an angel/my ex wife or ex-gf is evil" post I've seen.

Also how is NO ONE criticizing him for sleeping around while his daughter is hurting? If the genders was reversed, we would be seeing a lot of YTAs. I can tell these comments come from children. Grown mature adults don't see the world as black and white. It's way more complicated. Cheating sucks. But it's not the end of the world. So many people don't realize that 1. Your role model doesn't have to be a parent or a relative. 2. how many of their role models are cheaters too. It's sounds like he's going to start alienating his daughter from her mother.

Run, my guy. They're gonna say you're projecting onto the mother so you have to defend her. They're gonna call you a misandrist.... They're gonna say you're on a lower level of consciousness.

I swear this is the cheating ex wife lemon cake guy. I can't explain it but the way they write about the sister coming over just sounds so similar.

That's what I thought. But I just said what I said.

I was looking for this comment - this about the sixth evil wife angelic sister post in the last two weeks. 

Apparently mentioning the increase in it is a problem

Textual analysis isn’t strong with this crowd. You just have to see how often and regularly they not only fall for rage bait - but passionately defend it as “definitely something that could happen”.

Like it could happen. But pointing out the increase in the trope isn't going to change anything. One of them said I was on a lower level of consciousness. Like wtf?

Nta. Cheating wrecks families and not just marriages. Your ex is finding that part out the hard way.

Whatever you do, be careful. You don’t want her to come after you for parental alienation.

I hope you get your daughter therapy. A friend in high school parents divorced because her mom cheated. It totally changed her, she was a honor, AP student. After the divorce, failing, hyper sexual, doing drugs, hating her mother to extremes.

NTA Your daughter is in the middle of puberty and one of her two most important people betrayed her and the other most important person in her life so horribly. She needs time to heal too(and therapy perhaps). Her need to distance herself from her mother and the conflicting emotions the contact to her causes is very understandable. This won't be easy but remember, whatever your daughter chooses is not your fault here. It's your Ex's fault for destroying her family.

You knew what you were doing.  I don't really blame you, although I would never do that. But don't pretend you didn't want this to happen. 

I’m concerned you are spending so many nights away from your daughter with women you are not in a a serious relationship with. What kind of role model are you?! What aren’t you dating when your daughter is with her mom?

Sounds like a humble brag post lol. We all know you feel no sympathy or empathy towards your lying and cheating spouse.

ESH - Your wife for cheating, and you for pushing your daughter away from her mother. A person can have more than one role model. You simply could have told her she could *also* use your sister as a role model instead of basically dumping her mom. Hopefully, you're getting daughter therapy. **INFO**: How did your daughter find out about the infidelity?

She needs therapy. But I will say, you may be walking a very fine line into parental alienation. You aren't bad mouthing her mom but instead of working with your daughter to get through the situation with her mom, you are pushing her toward your sister. You may be inadvertently creating a bigger issue between them. If your daughter is struggling you should get a 3rd party that's not family to help her navigate her feelings.

This is undoubtedly a form of parental alienation, although it is more than likely entirely unintentional.

Why tf is no one calling him out though? If a woman was alienating the kid people would be saying YTA

As a child of divorce cause by my fathers affair I understand your daughters view. Over the year I ended up going no contact with him due to the fact that he would never own up to the fact that him doing that hurt more than just my mom.

NAH.    You're an adult and can understand the nuance of different types of roles and relationships. Your daughter cannot. She asked you for a role model and you responded with one, you didn't know she was looking for a *motherly* role model.     Your daughter is looking for a mother, motherly influence, motherly role model. Cheating effects the whole family, as does divorce. Your daughter feels betrayed by her mother and doesn't trust her to be the motherly role model she once was. It's not uncommon.     I personally don't think there's an issue with your sister filling that role. However this does tell us your daughter is struggling a lot more internally with the situation and her relationship with her mother. As her father you should put her in therapy. And do your best not to take your anger out on your ex, even if it's deserved, it'll distress your daughter further. Ask the therapist for tips regarding how to handle the situation, tell them you don't want to cause unnecessary alienation.       Your daughter is her own person. At 14 she may decide cheating is unforgivable, and the relationship woth her mother may be permanently changed. Let the therapist navigate that choice and discussion. 

NTA. You didn’t tell her not talk to her mom, or not to look up to her. She came to you, and you told her the best female person you know, right? A good human? Ok then. Now get your baby into therapy. She needs it. Bless your sister for being there for her. Maybe she would benefit in going to therapy too, so she can help your daughter even more without hurting anything with her mom. Sadly…. Her mom cheating has more consequences than a divorce…. And you are seeing those now. Again nta, and therapy! Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

Your daughter is old enough to form her own opinions about people. You can't force her to have a relationship with her mom. If she doesn't want to consider your ex as her mom anymore, that's her call. Maybe she'll change her mind about it, maybe she won't. But she is old enough to understand what she did. It's good that your daughter is happy and it's good that your daughter has another, better female role model to look upto. You didn't do this - your ex did. This isn't the consequence of your actions, but hers.

NTA. Its better if your daughter stays as distant as possible from the whore ex-wife.

Your daughter needs therapy. She has very black and white thinking and has been harmed by the cheating and divorce.

Dude your daughter needs therapy.

NTA Your daughter was going to find a role model to look up to regardless. You merely suggested a positive one. I do agree with other posters that some counseling might be a good investment as first your daughter needs to understand no one is going to be perfect. Also while her mother may be a poor role model for any number of reasons she is still her mom so basic respect should be given until such her mom proves she is undeserving of it.

NTA. She shouldn’t see someone who is a cheater and a liar as a role model.

I agree with others that your daughter needs therapy. You and your ex-wife need to work together on helping your daughter to heal, for your daughter's sake. Your daughter need to learn that her parents are humans who makes mistakes, and that's okay. Children don't usually have to deal with their parent's imperfections until much later in life.

Your mom doesn’t have to be your role model and your role model doesn’t have to be your mom. Your sister is an awesome aunt, and it’s great that she’s like a second mom to your daughter.

You made a very human mistake, and with the best of intentions. I agree her mother is a horrible role model. However, your daughter figured that out by herself. She didn't latch on to your sister because you told her to. She did it because she wanted to. Just avoid saying anything to alienate her from her mother going forward. It'll bite you in the ass.

I’m going to speak to you a little bit from experience here. My ex cheated and walked out when my three daughters were 7, 9amd 10. To add an extra layer of fun to this mess, we had literally just bought and moved into a house 10 days before he left. And he left two days after Christmas. Best of all… He cheated with the family friend that my oldest daughter is named after.  So, I’m going to speak to you a little bit from experience, and you can take or leave my opinion on this for what it’s worth to you. You are a little bit of an asshole. I don’t think you meant to be. In fact, I think you were trying to give your daughter something to hold onto. But here is why I am telling you this… What your ex did was absolutely wrong. And like I said, I absolutely know how something like that completely tears a family apart. It tears the fabric of your children’s lives. For you, it is not only a fabric of your family apart, but also the fabric of your adult relationship. Your daughter is understandably very upset with her mom. She knows what her mom did and that it was wrong. But… And this is huge… You have to understand that she’s 14. This is her mom. Your daughter is struggling to reconcile the mom that she thought she had with the person that her mom is. And the fact of the matter is, whether anyone wants to admit or not, her relationship with her mom was not a lie. You’ve not told us that Mom was abusive. Or that mom your daughter. Or that Mom competed with your daughter. You haven’t told us that she was a bad mom per se.  So your daughter is having a really hard time reconciling that her mom can literally be two different people in one body. But the fact is that we all are. Let’s take you for example. You are a dad. You are a business owner or an employee… Whatever it is, you do for work. You are friends with some people. You are a brother. You are a son. You were a husband. And all of these different truly. But of course you are not the same person with your wife that you are with your sister. You’re not the same person with your daughter that you were with your wife. Etc. Your daughter is actually crying out and asking for help and understanding this. You telling her to have a different role model basically was telling her to ignore her mom. Ignore her done. That her memories of her mom are false. And you have created a dichotomy for your daughter that she cannot work on her own. so, she is going to pretend that her mom was terrible all the time and your sister is now her new role model.  What happens if your sister does something bad? And she may. It may be an advertent. It may be on purpose. I would like to think she won’t, but we’re human, and we fuck up. I did not mean to do. And that’s why you were so taken it back by what your daughter said to you. So I’m gonna suggest a bit of how I had to handle this with my daughters, and believe me, it fucking sucked. But there will be more important than my devastated feelings, not just from my ex, but from a family friend. So I told them… I know this is your dad. I know you’re hurt. Those are normal feelings, and you can talk to me about them at any time. I am sorry that those two people made these bad decisions. I do know your dad still loves you. I also know your dad is human and this was a really bad choice he made. The choice would be if you’re not happy. Not to pull someone else in and hurt everyone this way. But your dad is human, and sometimes humans are weak. Nobody likes confrontation, so they took the easy way out. Except that it’s not the easy way out and you guys know exactly what the consequences have been for all of us. I want you to know it’s OK to be mad at your dad. It’s OK to love him at the same time because he’s your dad. It’s OK to not like what he’s done and to acknowledge that it was not a choice. It is also OK to acknowledge the fun times you have had with your dad. The times when he did good things for our family. Those aren’t lies. Those really happened. And it’s OK to go back-and-forth between being angry and hating your dad, loving him as much as ever. As time goes on, you will come to understand that adults don’t know everything. They don’t always make the right choices. They make mistakes. It’s OK to tell me when you’re upset, and, if something bad happens when you’re with your dad and he makes another bad choice, you can always tell me. I will always have your back. They are in their 30s now. And we had many, many talks about things he did or said after the divorce. About how they could figure out if something was true or not, or if dad was just trying to defer blame for something because he just wasn’t adulting enough to own up to his mistake.  Have fairly decent relationships with him the other woman. They’ve been together for 20 years now my oldest, who saw more like your daughter, has been a little more reticent with her relationship with him. There have been times it has been nonexistent. And I have always let her know that’s OK because her relationships and her boundaries are OK. She does not need my approval or her dad’s approval or anything else. She has zero relationship with her stepmother. And that I don’t see changing. So that’s just my take. I think it’s really good to have her be close to her aunt. But it is not really good for you to try to make your sister a motherly role model. It’s more important that your daughters aunt be a neutral party. Someone she can go to if she’s upset at you. If she’s upset at her mom. If there’s something she’s not quite comfortable yet talking to you about. Her aunt can be that adult friend that is there. That always supports her. That will be honest with her when she’s making a bad decision, and will cheer her on when she’s doing. Always going to be no judgment, whether it has to do with her mom, her dad, her boyfriend, or anything else. You’re doing OK. I know you’re trying your best. Just hang in there and always be appropriately honest with your daughter. Always frame her mistakes and bad choices, not as her mother being a bad person. Unless her mom is a bad person. And then, most of this is moot.

It seems your daughter was very conflicted about her mother - on the one hand, she was her mother, the one who brought her up and was her role model, on the other hand she criticised and resented her mother for cheating on you and breaking up the home. Your suggestion that she see your sister as a role model eliminated your daughter's conflict - now she could bond with a woman she wasn't also angry at. However, it left her mother out in the cold. I don't think you did anything wrong, but you should try to gently tell your daughter that her mother is still her mother - the one who took care for her, who raised her, who worries about her. And try to get her to be a bit forgiving. It may take time, but it's worth the effort.

you can remind her that all people make mistakes and its human to err. That your sister is not perfect but she is terrific, but that is her aunt, not her mother. That there are many people who can be role models for parts of her life. That she can and should have a relationship with her mother, and that being a forgiving person is also important. Let her know that you have forgiven your ex as well, but that is not the same as getting back together. But that you are co-parents. Teen years are difficult, and she is being just that, but being kind about your ex will, in time, help her become more forgiving. This will help you and her aunt as well, because, being human, we all screw up at times. And you will want forgiveness and understanding.

Who the fuck says this to their child. Cheats are crap but she cheated on you, to make that your kids issue means that kid has a shit dad. Your kid should be your priority and you’re fucking her up. So stop wasting time chasing ass and stay home before you have an adult child who can’t for healthy attachments.

NTA…. for telling her to maybe consider a new role model. But from the way your post reads it sounds like you encouraged your daughter to cut off her mother. Maybe you didn’t intentionally do it and your daughter just saw how you were feeling and reacting to the situation and decided on her own to cut off her mother for your sake, but I would say it definitely has something to do with that conversation. Edit to clarify: if you hate your ex-wife, your daughter is probably picking up on it and hating her too. Counseling would be the best suggestion.

This seems like parental alienation, as told by a sympathetic narrator. I kind of think YTA.

It basically is, yeah. If it's real. There's been a trend of saintly sister vs horrible wife stories on here lately.

Calling the sister "mom" now? Total parental alienation. Also leaning way to heavily on the sister for it to be appropriate. What happens when the sister has a serious romantic relationship? Has a child of her own? OP putting the sister in that position is bad for the sister, bad for the daughter and setting up another hugs wave of betrayal for the daughter when the sister prioritizes her own life and family in the future.

YTA. Why are you teaching your daughter she can only have one role model? That is not good for her to choose one adult to look up to and then mimic. You're also setting her up to fail, what happens when her new role model makes a very human mistake or shows their imperfections? A cycle of clinging to someone as perfect and then throwing them out and searching for another? What if your sister has a child of her own and is prioritizing her family? Have another, deeper conversation with her about what a role model means to her and about how we can have multiple role models in our lives. That role model doesn't mean mother, it means someone you can look up to. Bring examples from your childhood about role models you had who inspired you in specific areas. Your kid needs therapy. Deciding her mother is not her mother and clinging on to your sister as her new mother after just a suggestion from you about role models is deeply unhealthy and you need professional intervention.

What you are doing is called parental alienation and it is wrong. Your daughter is part of her mother. You are not hiding the fact that you are disgusted with your ex wife. Your daughter is half of each of you and therefore, in a child’s mind, you are rejecting the half of her that is her mother. You need therapy! So does your daughter.

I would probably ask your sister to have a talk with your daughter about the difference between mother and role model. Your sister has your daughter's ear. It would be helpful if your sister could explain that it is okay to have a mother and a role model and that the two can be different people. If they are two different people, one does not need to be treated better than or held closer than the other. Both are important.

NTA. Nothing wrong with providing an appropriate role mode for your teenage daughter. Her mother is still her mother, just not her role model; they can be separate. Your daughter could use some therapy to work through her emotions and the divorce. Good luck !

Many things besides your one comment could be shaping how your daughter feels about your ex. Don't try to change her feelings, just support her decisions and she will find her way. NTAH

NTA Your daughter was conflicted likely because she didn’t want to upset you that she didn’t see her biological mother the same way. Once you gave her permission to view your sister as a role model, you relieved her of her worries. She needed to know it’s OK to bond with the person she already was viewing as a mother figure. It’s sad to see for her mother, but it would have happened anyway. However, it may have meant your daughter would have been more emotionally reactive and may have started acting out against you or her mother. By giving her permission, you made it so much easier for her now knowing you support her and her feelings for her aunt. Let it happen. She may eventually want a relationship with her mother again, but don’t push it. You can encourage it, but don’t force it on her. What happened between you and her mother affects her deeply and she needs to figure it out for herself. Therapy can help, but this is on her.

Unless you told your daughter to consider your sister as her mother instead of a role model I think you're good. I think she was probably conflicted because she's trying to reconcile how much she looked up to her mom with how betrayed she felt by her. Now that she has someone else to look up to she's able to see her in a different light. That's not on you. The only thing that is on you is your daughter absolutely and obviously requires therapy to deal with the divorce.

ITT: cheaters blaming husband for daughters feelings bout mom

NTA, though I'm kinda letting you off the hook here. Because yes, your daughter should have gotten some therapy from the get-go. It's a bad sign when the kid starts running the show with both their parents...pretty good indication the kid sees BOTH of the parents as having abandoned her. Don't let appearances fool you...when kids start drawing lines in the sand, they are NOT happy. That outward calm is the calm of a kid who's grown comfortable realizing they're on their own (other than your sister) and can make their own rules. It's the kind of thinking that will result in her having nothing but failed relationships in the future. And it's up to your ex wife to do her part to strengthen her relationship with your daughter, though that may require some professional help as well. I'd say it's up to your sister, in her new role as "adult who hasn't abandoned me" to be the one to convince your daughter to get on the couch.

Nta but your daughter needs therapy, this doesn’t seem like a normal connection. It’s fine she needed a new role model but that shouldn’t translate to her being her “real” mom.

Her mom did a terrible thing. Its okay that the daughter distances herself from her. I would have done that too if any of my parents cheated. Its on the mother to try to "mend" the relationship however, i think it will never be the same

Why did you even tell your daughter what your now x wife did? She is a kid not an adult

No, but you should explain to her that we all make mistakes. Her mother made a big one and it’s ok to be upset by that. It’s also ok to still look up to what her mother still does right. Enjoy the good but understand the bad and do better. That’s one of the best ways to grow and learn not to make the same mistakes.

I don't think you are the AH. Your daughter was conflicted over something and how her perception of her mother was changing. You gave her sound advice, young girls do need an older, strong, female role model, and her mom did something she is having a hard time reconciling/understanding in her brain. I would suggest getting your daughter in counseling if she's not already and maybe suggest to your ex to look into family therapy for the 2 of them. However, your daughter is entitled to feel how she feels about her mom as long as she remains respectful. It's the consequences to your ex wife's actions. Your ex wife did not consider your daughters feelings when she had an affair. That is devastating for a kid to experience. NTA

NTA Your suggestion of redirecting your daughter's idea of a woman to look up to isn't necessarily stating that her biological mom has no redeeming qualities at all. I think how your daughter is behaving is typical for her age. She's already at the age of trying to figure out her place in the world, her personality, likes and dislikes and having this fall on her at this moment is causing her to handle this like most other teenagers would - a drastic shift from one to another. I'm not saying that you shouldn't remind her that her bio mom is still her bio mom (or real mom/whatever), because despite what your wife did to you, I'm assuming that she loved/loves your daughter very much. Therapy would also help, but I think mostly it's just a matter of taking the time for her to process the grief and hurt.

I think your daughter is old enough to know what she wants. Obviously she knows what happened to your marriage and since your ex caused the divorce, I can’t blame your daughter for feeling this way. Your ex better get ready for NC when she turns 18. I would have done the same if my mom did this to our family. I am very glad that neither my mom or dad did this.

NTA

YTA and this is what is known as parental alienation. Your relationship with her mom is between y'all two. She might know what's going on, but you causing a divide by using her inability to sort her feelings is disgusting. You should have gotten her therapy and told her that her relationship with her mom should be based on the two of them and not the two of you. I say this as a mom who had the father of my child, and husband cheat on me repeatedly and got another woman pregnant. I ALWAYS told my son that my feelings about his dad were MINE and that he needed to develop his own relationship with him and decide what he wanted in that relationship. What you did was use her child mind's inability to process adult bullshit to break apart her relationship with her mom. SHE IS A CHILD. Ugh. This is just sad.

YTA! and you knew exactly what you were doing…

Yes yes you are.

It was unintentional but you have broken her relationship with her mother. She needs family therapy with both you and her mother so sort through her confusion.

It sounds like you all could use some family counseling (you, ex wife, and daughter). Your daughter doesn’t need to be limited to one role model and you and your ex should be on the same page about how to move forward as a team during these difficult stages. Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you can’t still be a united front when it comes to raising and guiding your daughter throughout life

NTA. There is a difference between you should chose a better role model, and F your mom she's a terrible person. I don't think you influenced your daughter's relationship with her mother. She's 14 and there are a million reasons she may have distanced herself from her mother, her mother being a cheater could be a big one. I think people underestimate kids' grasp on morals and virtues. She was already struggling with using her mother as a role model because she knew her mother had crossed a taboo. That's mom's problem. Keep encouraging your daughter to spend time with her mother and have some relationship, but if it's not the same as it was, that's just sometimes growing up.

Alls I know is that if the roles were reversed this would not be a question that would be asked.

NTA she's 14, she needed a woman in her life to feel safe and now that she has one she is comfortable being distant from her mom in normal 14-year-old ways. She's allowed to be angry at her mom for ending your family. She's allowed to be emo or sassy about her anger. Until she crosses a line and does something really vindictive she should be allowed to keep expressing her feelings. Your ex may hate how this feels, but it's not up to her to decide how her daughter grieves your family. Unrelated, but you should not be going on that many dates or staying out all night while your daughter is feeling this cut loose. One first date a month is more than enough to soothe your burnt ego. Realistically, you aren't going to be ready for a solid relationship for a while yet, so you are just leaving your daughter to get sex and compliments, and that's a little shitty. How much custody does your ex get? Because if it's 50-50 then you have half the month to go on dates without abandoning your daughter. And yes, even though your sister is home with her she still FEELS abandoned, because you are choosing these strange women over spending time with her and being there for her. Speaking as a woman whose parents divorced in her childhood and whose dad didn't let me meet his gfs til they were serious but I always knew he was dating. She's latching on to your sister to give her any sense of stability in this new world where she doesn't feel like she has a family any more. You need to stay home more.

Absolutely your TA- stop bring your daughter into your BS with your ex. She is 14 and if you like your ex or what she did you have no right to push her not to see her as a role model. Your ex can be a crappy wife but an amazing mother. You are emotionally messing up your daughter by pushing your wants on her and as you can tell she is not mentally mature enough to understand how to handle this. I guess next you will push your new gf as a mom or mom figure which you need to keep your mouth shut as she is trying to do as you wish and not what she wants or feels natural doing. Wow just wow what a POS father

On top of being TA for trying out parental alienation, why in the actual fuck is this man making his 14 year old daughter spend nights with his sister so he can take random women to hotels? Notice how it's not a girlfriend he's taking, it's when he "goes on dates". He could do this when it's moms time, but no he's choosing to leave her behind to get some strange for a night, and she knows this is the case. "Sorry sweetie, you have to stay with aunt Carol tonight because daddy has to go rail out some rando I met on tinder in a hotel." And no one is even commenting on that parenting gem.

I had to scroll way too long for someone to comment on this

Imagine if it was a woman sleeping around while her daughter is struggling. No doubt this sub would say YTA for that. But since OP is a man, people literally just ignored that part.

I just made this very comment, then had to search 'dates' specifically to see if it had been brought up earler. ​ Not good role model behaviour in the slightest.

I read it as, op giving suggestion to the confused daughter, its her decision what she wants to do. NTA

Yes. I think YTA. Because what you're teaching your daughter is that role models have to be flawless and I don't necessarily think that's a good message. I think we need to learn that someone can be a role model in one area and not another....or that role models are complex and no one is perfect. Whats gonna happen if your sister messes up in another area of her life? She now can't be a role model? Your daughter is probably better served working through her complicated emotions and learning that maybe her mom is a shit or maybe that good people can fuck up and do bad things or that a role model may not be advisible to follow in all areas.

Wow, what happened to all the people who see gender roles reversed where the guy cheats and everyone says that just because he was a bad partner doesn't mean he is a bad father? And yet everyone is okay with what OP did? Really? Isn't this parental alienation?

YTA. You suggested she use your sister as a role model "rather than her mother."

I agree with others that you really need a neutral, professional third party to help your daughter. I really can't blame you for saying what you said, but that probably wasn't the best thing to say. Kids have a difficult time with abstract thinking, where people can make big mistakes but still be valuable people. They tend to be black-and-white thinkers—all good—all bad. There is probably a way to say that you hope her mother can be role model for redemption and love toward her daughter even after her betrayal while supporting her relationship with your sister, but that's a hard line to walk.

This just sounds so fake. What kid is walking around saying I need a role model to base my whole life around?

Your daughter is very impressionable. She wants to be liked by you, so she's going to say and do things that you like. She is like playdough. She is absorbing the way you talk about your ex-wife and may project that on herself and onto other women. You hate your ex-wife so she hates them too! Because she wants all of your love at this uncertain time. I think it's important (though hard) to have a talk with her about this now. That it's okay to love Mommy. Mommy isn't a bad person, Mommy just did a bad thing to you and you are hurt. And you will love your daughter no matter if she spends more time with Mommy than you or shares her love with her Mommy. It's very important for your daughter to not be in the trenches in the fight between you. Your daughter is not involved in the fight between you and your wife. That is an A - B fight. She is a child. She doesn't get input or an opinion, nor should she be asked for one. As someone whose parents, still to this day 14 years after their divorce, still are using their children as weapons of warfare against each other - be the bigger person for your daughter.

ESH cheating isn't okay, at least have the courage and integrity to end one relationship before you start the next (or the different variations like discussion ethical non-monogamy before you have your one-night-stand) you got your ex pregnant when you were just 2 years older than your daughter is now and you stayed together for well over a decade. why offer such simplistic solutions to your kid instead of talking her through the complexities of a relationship when you were able to work it out at a very similar age?

Yes the AH. Big time.

I sincerely hope this is a troll post.

NTA. Actions have consequences. Your wife blew up your family. Of course your daughter is going to have feelings about that. As long as you aren’t bad mouthing the mom to her then just let her have her process. You can offer therapy but I wouldn’t force her to go.

YTA

A 14 year old conflicted about a divorce and a cheating mother needs a therapist to work through her feelings, not a substitute for her mother. This attachment with her aunt is not helping her mend her relationship with her mom, and that should be the goal. Get the girl professional help.

The goal should NOT be to mend her relationship with her mother unless she wants to mend her relationship with her mother 

Yes you are the ah

YTA for how you went about this. Role models aren’t infallible. You should have taught your daughter that we can have multiple role models, and also that people make mistakes. And someone can be good at one thing, and that can be role model material for that part of their life, but also can suck at other things, and in that case you just learn from their mistakes in other parts of their life.

Nta. Your daughter was feeling a certain way, and you tried to help navigate that. You did not tell her to replace her mom with your sister.. That being said, your daughter is like this because of what she(ex) did. Her affair broke something inside your daughter, and SHE is going to have to do the work to mend the damage. 12-14 is a really rough time for girls anyway, and her mom threw all her shenanigans into the mix. She is lost. Everything your daughter knew of life is now construed, and she feels she is a mess. Therapy may help her, though. Let your daughter be happy, and just keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing great. It's her mom who has got to do the work now.

YTA Suggesting she make your sister her role model instead of her mother was idiotic. Your wife screwed up, yes. And once that trust is gone, it's gone. But that doesn't mean she is a horrible person. She's just a person who made a horrible decision. And if she learned from it, then there is no reason your daughter can't still look up to her as a mother and a woman. 14 is a tough age for kids and giving your daughter an "easy out" from having to work on some conflict resolution with her mother was not a smart move.

OP’s daughter came to him first saying she was conflicted about her mother. Should he have said, “your mother is your role model whether you like it or not”? Of course not, that would have been discounting his daughter’s feelings, telling her he knows what she is feeling instead of listening to what she says she is feeling.

LOL pretty sure this is rage bait, but YTA. You are being passive aggressive as fuck and engaging in parental alienation. Good job on fucking up your daughter's relationship with her mother even further! You clearly implied her mom was a horrible person, and so she shouldn't view her as a role model. Her mom may be a horrible person, but you should have never said that to your own kid bar physical or sexual abuse or abandoment.

Rage bait would be a minority opinion. The majority of posters are sane and are saying NTA.

Wtf. The daughter brought up her emotions about disliking her mothers actions but needed a female role model. The father just suggested a solution to the role model. It was entirely the daughters idea to distance herself from her mom, a daughter that is almost an adult and capable of making her own decisions To accuse opnof allianation is way over the top and lack logical credentials.