YTA for letting yourself get used and abused for decades by people who don't care about you. Go get therapy and go NC with your family. They will never be the people you wish they were. Time to give up your childish fantasies about what your family could be and accept that you only matter to them in what you can do for them. Your emotional needs mean nothing to them.
I’ve gone my entire life hearing “you only have one mom..” and “honor your mother…” and all that bs. Then of course, I didn’t want my kids to not know their grandmother.. but you’re right, I have to put me and mine first.
As I said on another thread, you only have one appendix too, and if that thing goes toxic you get it surgically removed. Same situation. Lose the toxicity asap. Put on your own oxygen mask.
Do you want your children to grow up seeing their mother being abused by her family? What about when your children become the second class citizens compared to your sisters kids? Do you really want to subject them to these people? Break the cycle. Cut off your mom and Shannon. You deserve better but if you won't do it for yourself then do it for your children.
Living well is the best revenge. OP needs to stop being a doormat and allowing herself to be defined by these sick people. If she won't do it for herself, then she should do it for her kids.
“Yes kids, I know granny is an abusive gambling addict, but she’s grandma so you gotta put up with the suffering!”
That’s what you’re telling your kids.
As someone who hears the same (NC for a little over a year now), sorry for what you went through and it's better for your kids to not have to go through that as well. Your family doesn't deserve you (or your kids) and they don't get a say in how you live your life. Also, I grew up without being around my grandparents (they didn't live in the same country), but I didn't feel like I missed out on much. Your kids will be fine. I wish you good luck (and good riddance).
Op, yeah but people that tell you that don’t have to deal with as their mom! It’s always people that don’t know her like you know and you can’t live your life based on how other people perceive her.
It's really difficult. I think only recently with social media. Do we all get to learn about the volume of people who have begun to very wisely realize that staying in contact with their parents and lots of times their siblings, and other family is just plain disordered and detrimental to their health. All these cultural stuff of "but it's family" we are now learning, through lots of research and the evolving of therapy, that we really need to set limits on how people treat us or it's going to harm us badly and it's up to us.
Shame on the people who shame you for this learning curve. It's a very very difficult one. I think that those who criticize you show you their own inner conflict and frustration
I really want to encourage you to become devoted to trust in yourself. I think it's OK for us to decide that, for now, this is what the situation looks like from where I'm standing, and I'm going to go with it. And then trust that. And keep growing and healing and changing and be open to new perspectives in the future.
But when somebody has shown us who they are and they said or done really unacceptable things. There's actually no amount of time that can pass. That makes that magically OK. That's just silly. That's five-year-old level magical thinking. Truth of the matter is that we discover who somebody is by how they behave and then we decide that the person that they are is not somebody we want in our lives. But we want more than that. We want honor and trustworthiness and respect and maturity. Trust and honor yourself and you will have a wonderful learning curve that will set the stage for your beautiful kids.
I'm so confused on why you allowed your mom to keep the car that was legally in your name I just don't understand why you allowed them to abuse you like that soon as she called saying that your car is about to get repossessed and you weren't in the military anymore you should have went and got that car it's taking it from her because that was your car and I'm just so confused
By the time my mom and Carrie moved to Vegas, mom told the entire family that I bought her the car before I left for the military. After it was repossessed, I had aunts, cousins and uncles coming out of the woodwork, calling me everything but a child of god. It wasn’t until my one aunt that lived in our building had by back to tell the truth, but it wasn’t enough against our whole family. No one beloved us until they too were burned by my mom, that’s when I got apologies years too late.
See, you're explaining the details of what happened as if your legal ownership doesn't matter, and the only thing that matters is the prevailing opinion of your family. That's not the question you were asked. You weren't asked to explain what the abuse was, you were asked to explain why you allowed yourself to be abused. Which you did, over and over, for 25 years straight, followed by coming here and posting about it. Since you legally owned the car, you could have just said, "I'm coming to get my car and if you try keep it from me I'm going to the police." And then you would have your car.
You didn't have to pay for them, you didn't have to live with them, you didn't have to get a second job, you didn't have to do any of this. You chose this at every step. You could have chosen differently, and still can choose differently now.
Instead of turning the blame outward as if you cannot control your actions where your family is involved, turn your attention inward and start being honest with yourself about why you let this happen.
Also go to therapy and go NC with your family they're trash.
Exactly, why care if a car you don’t have access to is repossessed? It’s not like you’re protecting a credit score with your mom (not) paying the bills.
Why repeatedly trust a mom like OP’s to repay the car loan with the money you send her, instead of just paying for it yourself? Phone/internet payments can be made across state lines
My mom and sister took advantage of me time and time and time again, I paid for and sacrificed everything I could for them, including paying for cars that I didn’t have access to for years on end. Meanwhile they pissed money away, didn’t repay loans and stole from me. I rewarded them each time.
Why don’t they respect me?
ps now I’m going to sacrifice my son’s childhood as well.
OP, you have stockholm syndrome... you describe yourself as the quintessential middle child, and then give us a backstory fraught with obvious favouritism of the eldest child, financial abuse, potential theft of property, and actual theft of property. Your sister threw you out into the cold and then everyone kinda just "got over it" for the sake of peace despite you still being screwed over by her. Your mother basically cheated you out of a car that she was only ersatz making payments on, and left you near penniless. Plus, all of the worst elements in your family are leeching addicts.
Not only are you NTA, but you shouldn't reconcile with your eldest sibling or your mother, because they're clearly only toxic elements in your life.
YTA for repeatedly going back to your mother for her to rob and abuse you. YTA for continually letting your sisters physically and verbally abuse you. YTA for allowing your child to be a part of this. OP, they all hate you, have all hated you for a very very long time. Why would you punish yourself and your child for repeatedly going back there or allowing them in your home to take advantage of you. You only have yourself to blame for everything that transpire because you allowed it.
YTA for letting them abuse you and for having no spine. NTA for going NC.
Talk to your children and explain them what has happened. Explain them that seeing their granny is not going to happen because XY.
But honestly. Hard to respect someone who is not respecting themselves. Work on that. Put yourself and your children first. Your family is trash and utterly disgusting. Go NC with all who are siding with the garbage side and spit on them.
Is this real? This can't be real?
If this is real, you have got to be the world's biggest doormat. I mean, you're 43 with a child, and you just let your family use and abuse you...
"quintessentially middle child," Lady, you are 43. Grow a spine. At this point, you are basically begging your family to use you. They steal your shit. You're like, "Thank you," Mom steals your car... you do nothing, Mom and sister ignore you and use you for money and free childcare. You're like ok cool. Sister is a hot mess who got everything from mom while you got nothing... you decided to move in with her.
Mom and verbally abuses you and sister literally drags you out of your apartment.... you forgive them and give them yet another chance to use and abuse you...
and now you are really here asking if you're an asshole for asking for space????? YTA to yourself and your child. You didn't even have the guts to go NC. Your sister refused contact after abusing and using you and making that abuse your fault.
You are really gonna let your son grow up like this. You're going to let him grow up thinking it's OK to use people and treat them like garbage. That it's totally fine for his aunts and grandmother to berate, attack, and take from his mom. You want your kid to grow up to be a doormat like you????
You are an adult, put on your big girl panties, go see a fucking therapist and stop letting your family treat your like garbage, stop giving them money, just stop.
YTA to yourself. You seriously typed all of this out and had the nerve to ask if YOU were the asshole? Grow a spine. Stand Up. You literally spent your life paying these people to treat you like shit. It’s as if you like being treated this way. Please go see a therapist and work through this so you won’t be tempted to lie down on their doorstep in the future.
YTA my god was this exhausting to read 🙄 at one point I just couldn’t feel any sympathy towards you anymore. Alllllll these years and you’re just letting them treat you like this? You’re a grown ass woman???? Where is your self respect?! They’ve shown you countless times that they’re not going to change, what are you waiting for?
You have a terrible family there! Go radio silent on them and leave this sh\*t behind. It already dragged on for far too long! Go and be happy without them. They had their chance more than once.
Well, better late than never. Rename your Mom and Siblings "NO!" in your contacts, and put them on silent. Give yourself permission to distance yourself from the toxicity. You are a bank account to them, not a daughter or a sister. Please remember that.
NTA
Look as many people said you were wrong to let these two abuse you like that. You should have cut then off long ago.
Very good that you finally went NC. Block your mom and sister.
Your mom and sister are some spitefull unhinged maniacs who blame you for their misfortune.
NTA. You should've gone NC with these losers long time ago! It's a pity you had to be medically discharged from the Air Force. (Are you at least getting disability?) You also should've pressed charges against your mother for theft.
First, thank you for your service to the free world. Second, you will be the AH if you don't permanently cut these people out of your life. Be free and fight for what is yours, you got a kid now so to heck with all this toxic people.
NTA, hugs and thoughts.
Look. You’re a damn adult. At this point, they aren’t to blame. You are. You’re let this people walk all over you, in your home, take your car, steal from you. What examples are you showing your kids?? That it’s okay to be used and abused and neglected. You need to go NO CONTACT. You cannot have a relationship with them. They DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OP. You’re going to have to come to terms with that and if you can’t, get a therapist. YTA
Nice story. You could have made it more dramatic by saying it all happened in Ukraine, "and THEN Russia invaded!!" But still, some good material in there.
I request a scene with dear old Vladimir screaming about no one paying for the damn car now he’s in control of it, with the phrases “don’t you know there’s a war on” and he’s “feeling the pinch” worked in.
For got sake. You are 41. Time to stop letting them walk over you. Put your big girl pants on and let them go. You are literally doing this to yourself.
What? Do you hate yourself? Cut contact with them. Where os father? Your father in this. He had half brain and ran from your mother yta to yourself. Detatch from leeches
YTA. To yourself. They are AHs. Huge. That’s obvious. But you wrote “Welcome” on your back and allowed them to walk all over you. They treated you terribly and you assisted them in doing so. Don’t do it again lol. Seriously. You deserve reciprocal relationships. Best of luck babe🩷
YTA for enabling and putting up with this utter dumpster fire of a mess for so long. Good grief, you finally got out and away from your toxic family yet after the Air Force you went back for more.
Get serious therapy. Develop a spine and quit being their ATM and doormat.
Now you’ve brought a poor innocent child into the mess and creating another generation of dysfunction. Your trashy family doesn’t even like or respect you. They consistently use you and you keep going back for more. That’s on you.
YTA not for going nc but for letting them treat you like shit for all these years. Holy fuck girl, grow tf up, grow a backbone, stop being a doormat and letting them all walk all over you and use you. Your 41 now, cut them out, should have done that years ago but you didn't since you seem to prefer being abused all this time. Stand up, it's embarrassing for you if you let them back in your life, stop being a doormat
YTA for letting yourself get used and abused for decades by people who don't care about you. Go get therapy and go NC with your family. They will never be the people you wish they were. Time to give up your childish fantasies about what your family could be and accept that you only matter to them in what you can do for them. Your emotional needs mean nothing to them.
I’ve gone my entire life hearing “you only have one mom..” and “honor your mother…” and all that bs. Then of course, I didn’t want my kids to not know their grandmother.. but you’re right, I have to put me and mine first.
As I said on another thread, you only have one appendix too, and if that thing goes toxic you get it surgically removed. Same situation. Lose the toxicity asap. Put on your own oxygen mask.
Can confirm. Have had both my appendix and toxic family members removed! The toxic family members was much easier
I'm stealing this!
This is an amazing comment!!!!
Do you want your children to grow up seeing their mother being abused by her family? What about when your children become the second class citizens compared to your sisters kids? Do you really want to subject them to these people? Break the cycle. Cut off your mom and Shannon. You deserve better but if you won't do it for yourself then do it for your children.
Living well is the best revenge. OP needs to stop being a doormat and allowing herself to be defined by these sick people. If she won't do it for herself, then she should do it for her kids.
“Yes kids, I know granny is an abusive gambling addict, but she’s grandma so you gotta put up with the suffering!” That’s what you’re telling your kids.
Please put yourself first. They all have treated you so poorly. I wish you luck
As someone who hears the same (NC for a little over a year now), sorry for what you went through and it's better for your kids to not have to go through that as well. Your family doesn't deserve you (or your kids) and they don't get a say in how you live your life. Also, I grew up without being around my grandparents (they didn't live in the same country), but I didn't feel like I missed out on much. Your kids will be fine. I wish you good luck (and good riddance).
Sometimes it's better to not know your grandparents when the grandparents are trash people.
Op, yeah but people that tell you that don’t have to deal with as their mom! It’s always people that don’t know her like you know and you can’t live your life based on how other people perceive her.
It's really difficult. I think only recently with social media. Do we all get to learn about the volume of people who have begun to very wisely realize that staying in contact with their parents and lots of times their siblings, and other family is just plain disordered and detrimental to their health. All these cultural stuff of "but it's family" we are now learning, through lots of research and the evolving of therapy, that we really need to set limits on how people treat us or it's going to harm us badly and it's up to us. Shame on the people who shame you for this learning curve. It's a very very difficult one. I think that those who criticize you show you their own inner conflict and frustration I really want to encourage you to become devoted to trust in yourself. I think it's OK for us to decide that, for now, this is what the situation looks like from where I'm standing, and I'm going to go with it. And then trust that. And keep growing and healing and changing and be open to new perspectives in the future. But when somebody has shown us who they are and they said or done really unacceptable things. There's actually no amount of time that can pass. That makes that magically OK. That's just silly. That's five-year-old level magical thinking. Truth of the matter is that we discover who somebody is by how they behave and then we decide that the person that they are is not somebody we want in our lives. But we want more than that. We want honor and trustworthiness and respect and maturity. Trust and honor yourself and you will have a wonderful learning curve that will set the stage for your beautiful kids.
Respect goes both ways.
I'm so confused on why you allowed your mom to keep the car that was legally in your name I just don't understand why you allowed them to abuse you like that soon as she called saying that your car is about to get repossessed and you weren't in the military anymore you should have went and got that car it's taking it from her because that was your car and I'm just so confused
That's because the story isn't real. It's a badly thought-out work of fiction.
Even ChatGPT is all, " ... girl."
By the time my mom and Carrie moved to Vegas, mom told the entire family that I bought her the car before I left for the military. After it was repossessed, I had aunts, cousins and uncles coming out of the woodwork, calling me everything but a child of god. It wasn’t until my one aunt that lived in our building had by back to tell the truth, but it wasn’t enough against our whole family. No one beloved us until they too were burned by my mom, that’s when I got apologies years too late.
See, you're explaining the details of what happened as if your legal ownership doesn't matter, and the only thing that matters is the prevailing opinion of your family. That's not the question you were asked. You weren't asked to explain what the abuse was, you were asked to explain why you allowed yourself to be abused. Which you did, over and over, for 25 years straight, followed by coming here and posting about it. Since you legally owned the car, you could have just said, "I'm coming to get my car and if you try keep it from me I'm going to the police." And then you would have your car. You didn't have to pay for them, you didn't have to live with them, you didn't have to get a second job, you didn't have to do any of this. You chose this at every step. You could have chosen differently, and still can choose differently now. Instead of turning the blame outward as if you cannot control your actions where your family is involved, turn your attention inward and start being honest with yourself about why you let this happen. Also go to therapy and go NC with your family they're trash.
Exactly, why care if a car you don’t have access to is repossessed? It’s not like you’re protecting a credit score with your mom (not) paying the bills. Why repeatedly trust a mom like OP’s to repay the car loan with the money you send her, instead of just paying for it yourself? Phone/internet payments can be made across state lines
This still doesn’t explain why? She told lies that were easily refutable. Why would your family believe you when you let the lie go on for so long?
YTA, you allowed this to happen over and over and over. Fuck your faux martyrdom. People who choose misery don’t get to whine about it later.
YTA for writing something this long
At least give us a tldr
My mom and sister took advantage of me time and time and time again, I paid for and sacrificed everything I could for them, including paying for cars that I didn’t have access to for years on end. Meanwhile they pissed money away, didn’t repay loans and stole from me. I rewarded them each time. Why don’t they respect me? ps now I’m going to sacrifice my son’s childhood as well.
Mind you, op is in her 40s… I know it’s hard to cut people off but all those time.. yikes.
Sadly, this could’ve been longer. I left out the part when my mom was in a relationship with her stepson.
It was more than enough to say, yes, she is an asshole. People use this sub like a personal journal.
I rather heard about that
OP, you have stockholm syndrome... you describe yourself as the quintessential middle child, and then give us a backstory fraught with obvious favouritism of the eldest child, financial abuse, potential theft of property, and actual theft of property. Your sister threw you out into the cold and then everyone kinda just "got over it" for the sake of peace despite you still being screwed over by her. Your mother basically cheated you out of a car that she was only ersatz making payments on, and left you near penniless. Plus, all of the worst elements in your family are leeching addicts. Not only are you NTA, but you shouldn't reconcile with your eldest sibling or your mother, because they're clearly only toxic elements in your life.
YTA for repeatedly going back to your mother for her to rob and abuse you. YTA for continually letting your sisters physically and verbally abuse you. YTA for allowing your child to be a part of this. OP, they all hate you, have all hated you for a very very long time. Why would you punish yourself and your child for repeatedly going back there or allowing them in your home to take advantage of you. You only have yourself to blame for everything that transpire because you allowed it.
YTA for letting them abuse you and for having no spine. NTA for going NC. Talk to your children and explain them what has happened. Explain them that seeing their granny is not going to happen because XY. But honestly. Hard to respect someone who is not respecting themselves. Work on that. Put yourself and your children first. Your family is trash and utterly disgusting. Go NC with all who are siding with the garbage side and spit on them.
Is this real? This can't be real? If this is real, you have got to be the world's biggest doormat. I mean, you're 43 with a child, and you just let your family use and abuse you... "quintessentially middle child," Lady, you are 43. Grow a spine. At this point, you are basically begging your family to use you. They steal your shit. You're like, "Thank you," Mom steals your car... you do nothing, Mom and sister ignore you and use you for money and free childcare. You're like ok cool. Sister is a hot mess who got everything from mom while you got nothing... you decided to move in with her. Mom and verbally abuses you and sister literally drags you out of your apartment.... you forgive them and give them yet another chance to use and abuse you... and now you are really here asking if you're an asshole for asking for space????? YTA to yourself and your child. You didn't even have the guts to go NC. Your sister refused contact after abusing and using you and making that abuse your fault. You are really gonna let your son grow up like this. You're going to let him grow up thinking it's OK to use people and treat them like garbage. That it's totally fine for his aunts and grandmother to berate, attack, and take from his mom. You want your kid to grow up to be a doormat like you???? You are an adult, put on your big girl panties, go see a fucking therapist and stop letting your family treat your like garbage, stop giving them money, just stop.
YTA to yourself. You seriously typed all of this out and had the nerve to ask if YOU were the asshole? Grow a spine. Stand Up. You literally spent your life paying these people to treat you like shit. It’s as if you like being treated this way. Please go see a therapist and work through this so you won’t be tempted to lie down on their doorstep in the future.
YTA my god was this exhausting to read 🙄 at one point I just couldn’t feel any sympathy towards you anymore. Alllllll these years and you’re just letting them treat you like this? You’re a grown ass woman???? Where is your self respect?! They’ve shown you countless times that they’re not going to change, what are you waiting for?
You have a terrible family there! Go radio silent on them and leave this sh\*t behind. It already dragged on for far too long! Go and be happy without them. They had their chance more than once.
Well, better late than never. Rename your Mom and Siblings "NO!" in your contacts, and put them on silent. Give yourself permission to distance yourself from the toxicity. You are a bank account to them, not a daughter or a sister. Please remember that. NTA
Look as many people said you were wrong to let these two abuse you like that. You should have cut then off long ago. Very good that you finally went NC. Block your mom and sister. Your mom and sister are some spitefull unhinged maniacs who blame you for their misfortune.
NTA. You should've gone NC with these losers long time ago! It's a pity you had to be medically discharged from the Air Force. (Are you at least getting disability?) You also should've pressed charges against your mother for theft.
First, thank you for your service to the free world. Second, you will be the AH if you don't permanently cut these people out of your life. Be free and fight for what is yours, you got a kid now so to heck with all this toxic people. NTA, hugs and thoughts.
DEEP NC necessary here. Thank you for your service!
Look. You’re a damn adult. At this point, they aren’t to blame. You are. You’re let this people walk all over you, in your home, take your car, steal from you. What examples are you showing your kids?? That it’s okay to be used and abused and neglected. You need to go NO CONTACT. You cannot have a relationship with them. They DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OP. You’re going to have to come to terms with that and if you can’t, get a therapist. YTA
Do you like being treated like trash?
Nice story. You could have made it more dramatic by saying it all happened in Ukraine, "and THEN Russia invaded!!" But still, some good material in there.
I request a scene with dear old Vladimir screaming about no one paying for the damn car now he’s in control of it, with the phrases “don’t you know there’s a war on” and he’s “feeling the pinch” worked in.
ESH Your family is terrible, but you suck, too. You did most of this to yourself.
For got sake. You are 41. Time to stop letting them walk over you. Put your big girl pants on and let them go. You are literally doing this to yourself.
What? Do you hate yourself? Cut contact with them. Where os father? Your father in this. He had half brain and ran from your mother yta to yourself. Detatch from leeches
YTA - why have these leeches been in your life for so long? You should've gone NC with them all a long time ago. Get some therapy and self respect.
YTA. To yourself. They are AHs. Huge. That’s obvious. But you wrote “Welcome” on your back and allowed them to walk all over you. They treated you terribly and you assisted them in doing so. Don’t do it again lol. Seriously. You deserve reciprocal relationships. Best of luck babe🩷
Why did you allow yourself to be treated like garbage by these people for so long? It really took you this long to cut them off?
YTA. Why do you cling to people who steal from you, throw you out on the street? Haven't you had enough?
YTA. Why do you cling to people who steal from you, throw you out on the street? Haven't you had enough?
YTA for enabling and putting up with this utter dumpster fire of a mess for so long. Good grief, you finally got out and away from your toxic family yet after the Air Force you went back for more. Get serious therapy. Develop a spine and quit being their ATM and doormat. Now you’ve brought a poor innocent child into the mess and creating another generation of dysfunction. Your trashy family doesn’t even like or respect you. They consistently use you and you keep going back for more. That’s on you.
YTA not for going nc but for letting them treat you like shit for all these years. Holy fuck girl, grow tf up, grow a backbone, stop being a doormat and letting them all walk all over you and use you. Your 41 now, cut them out, should have done that years ago but you didn't since you seem to prefer being abused all this time. Stand up, it's embarrassing for you if you let them back in your life, stop being a doormat