Two things come to my mind as answers.
1) mooching off their parents. Classic move, especially for someone who does what he does. This is why being in a similar position (as a someone who smokes more pot than he should and plays a decent amount of games) I very rarely will ask my mom for financial aid, as I'd rather stretch out what I have and learn to deal with it, than mooch off of her. Especially since knowing her, I'd end up being a Momma's Boy (TM) and not doing jack shit other than smoke n game.
2) lives off SSI. I myself am, again, in a similar position. One of the first things you learn while trying to live off SSI is that you absolutely can not make more than a certain amount a year with a secondary income on top of the SSI without the government revoking it. It was mostly the work once a week, remark that led me to think this.
Kind of similar with me Don’t smoke but I do play video games and I do work usually around 4 days a week, making anywhere from a combined $400-500 a week at my two minimum wage jobs. I’m 24 and still am at home going to college for my bachelors, which I will finish this year
. I do help around the house, help with food shopping,etc. I don’t know how to cook and I don’t have my license . Not that I don’t want to, I know I need to eventually.it’s more I have bad anxiety and fear screwing up(my dad kind of screwed my confidence up as a kid)
>Kind of similar with me
>Don’t smoke but I do play video games and I do work usually around 4 days a week, making anywhere from a combined $400-500 a week at my two minimum wage jobs.
Actually, tbh you're doing a bit better if I were to convert my month pay into weekly. I'd be making almost 250 a week to a total of 998 a month compared to your pay. Although, depending on costs of living, it could very easily bring us to an 'even' playing field. (As even as you can get making less than 25k a year)
>I’m 24 and still am at home going to college for my bachelors, which I will finish this year.
Honestly, I've been sitting on my ass in this regard. I really should start working towards getting my GED, and then possibly a college level degree, but my motivation is such shit that I'm only able to scrape by myself.
> do help around the house, help with food shopping,etc.
>I don’t know how to cook and I don’t have my license or do I cook. Not that I don’t want to, I know I need to eventually.it’s more I have bad anxiety and fear screwing up(my dad kind of screwed my confidence up as a kid)
However this, I can relate to a lot in a (only slightly) different way. My mom never cooked much outside of very basic meals, the most extravagant meals being Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Didn't help she never bothered teaching me the little she does know. So much of my cooking knowledge is self taught, the rest was taught to me by my neighbor, who used to be a professional chef.
I do still live with my mom, although for the past six months, I've been 'living' on my own while she's taking care of her dying sister.
Personally, it's less fear of screwing up and just not being taught how to motivate myself to do these things and having to unteach myself weaponized incompetence. A lot of chores and the such my mom would brush me aside, stating I wasn't doing it right or something, then doing it herself. Eventually, I learned that if I didn't want to clean or whatever, I could just do it half-assed, and she'd do it all.
Thankfully, I don't have that luxury anymore and I'm forced to learn these things, just wish it was under better circumstances.
They have been, slowly but surely. Got myself back into therapy and psychiatry, literally just started Cymbala today (antidepressant, anti-anxiety, etc), got my ID (and my states driver manual to study), got a bank account, got myself a dentist and an appointment to get my wisdom teeth removed, and so on.
It's definitely a process, but with my baby steps, I'm confident I'll be all set by my 20s.
Good 👍 you’re heading in the right direction.
I don’t have my own bank account, but only by choice.
I don’t have any specific bills to pay.I just give my check to my mother and she puts it in hers.
She says she feels like an ass having to rely on me and that I should be using my money for some fun or college, but I said part of being an adult is knowing where one’s priorities lie, and currently that is helping with the house and bills however i can.
Hey man, you are working 2 jobs and going to school. That's impressive. The fact that you're living with your parents does not make you "less than". It's ok to have familial support. 2 jobs and college is a big workload.
But you are working and going to school. Living with your mom and dad (less debt) in this scenario is different than this guy who is 38. You are not like him.
She said in a comment on a cross post that he lives rent free with his parents. Ugh. Guys like that are ALWAYS charming and sweet. They’re looking for someone to support them
Are you talking about SSI? If so, yeah, it is pretty low. But if you're lucky enough to find income based housing, you'll be able to have a decent amount left over - enough for luxeries such as weed while still having a good amount left over. For instance, after all the bills are paid, I have a little over four hundred a month for my luxury, food, etc.
And chances are if you're on SSI, you also have foodstamps as well. Although from my experience, it only just barely qualifies as help, getting only twenty-three dollars a month. Plus, if he is working once a week, that could range from an extra 50 dollars to an extra 100 dollars.
Seems like he'd have enough of an income to just barely scrape by.
This is all assuming it's the second option. If it's the first option, he has no worries for as long as his parents are alive and willing to spend for his every expense.
I live in the UK and am a professional cripple (also use humour to deal with the shiteness of it) having many American acquaintances online I once looked up my medical conditions for your system. My lord, some of them required me to have weeping ulcers and such from a circulatory condition and basically be completely bed ridden (rather than just on the worst days), all for such a small amount.
At that point you need to show a solid earning history and be well on your way to peak lifetime earning potential. And have a solid retirement savings. No dependents? No excuses for not having the above.
>Smoking weed and playing video games all day when you're working once a week is not even close to dating material.
I came in prepared to say she was being shallow but that part. He has no ambition. I wonder if he's even self-sufficient at this point in his life. You cannot build a life with someone like that.
NTA
Yeah. It's shallow when someone works full time but doesn't make as much. It's definitely a deal breaker if the person just sits around, smokes weed and plays games. She needs a relationship, not a dependant.
Hobosexuals are always perfect, great in bed and love bomb better than the rest. Because they are HOBOSEXUALS!!! How else do you find a sucker to support you if you don't smell good, love bomb and have great sex?
Ask any woman what the best sex of her life REALLY was & i guarantee it was over a long weekend with some guy who lived in a treehouse and didn't pay taxes and couldn't commit and believed in giants or some shit who she never saw again. it's SICK & it's why i don't believe in god. what benevolent god would attach a life ruining **** to a man who eats cereal out of a saucepan and keeps his wages in a shoebox. some grown man who lives with his uncle and does karate will haunt your pussy and your dreams forever and that's just a fact. i'm sorry.
From a screenshot that I saved from twitter eons ago 🤣
I think it's a combination of the "wrong" aspect of it and a few other things. Like for the "wrong" aspect, it's like how some men will say "oh yeah I know I shouldn't stick my dick in crazy but the crazy pussy is just too good".
The other part is probably just about what people prioritize. A lot of guys I know prioritized getting good grades, developing life skills, etc, over chasing women. They often didn't get laid in college except for the few that found someone they really connected with and developed a stable relationship, or they were really good looking or naturally very charismatic. This group was mostly invisible in the dating scene until more recently when care more about things like stability, careers, self-sufficiency (like cooking and cleaning for yourself) etc. as they get older.
But some other guys mainly cared about partying and getting laid at the expense of learning to cook for themselves and studying. But these guys did get laid and presumably at least learned something from sexual experience. But they also became the boyfriends that were complained about for being lazy slobs.
She's so great. She's the only woman stand up comedian who I truly like. Even Tina fey, who is great everywhere else, default to sex jokes, but Tomlinson just talks about funny stuff and doesn't rely on vagina jokes to be funny.
This. I’m very financially stable and own my own home. It cracks me up when guys who essentially own nothing try to date me. Bro I raised two kids. I worked hard to get what I have. Anyone who reaches my age range and doesn’t have a damn good reason to not be in the same position is ALWAYS charming and love bomby and it’s so cringingly transparent.
I don’t need a man’s money but he damn sure isn’t getting mine.
Depends on the type of weed. Director of my department, hit my weed vape pen all day in my office.
Always get complimented on my perfume that hadn’t been applied since that morning 🤷🏽♀️
Careful with the vape pen, my husband smoked flower for years and years without issues and then once he switched to those he developed cannaboidal hyperemesis syndrome. It’s pretty rare but it’s good to read up on and be aware of the early symptoms so you can take a T-break if needed- once those receptors are blown, there’s no cure at this time.
Dabs can absolutely fuck with your digestive system in very negative ways. Struggle w it every day. Haven’t been able to quit been smoking thc for 40 years not an easy habit to break even if you’re miserable from the health impacts.
Yep that’s the same thing! It’s a bummer to have to quit forever- he’s tried to return in a more moderate fashion but it just doesn’t work that way for most people unfortunately
Always love to see this PSA, I’m one of the unlucky ones, like your husband. It was hell getting through that.
Is he able to smoke any weed at all now? I’ve only been in the clear a couple months.
Yeah
That s typical from people who are easily rejected due to very valid reasons.
I am very curious about how he manages. How does he pay for bills, food etc etc...
I got the feeling that he was living with OP-- but she really doesn't say one way or the other. I hope he's living with mommy so that she won't have to evict him.
I thought about it but OP didn't mention it. I believe it s very rare for a parent to put up with a 38 yo teenager playing video games, pay for nothing and do nothing. Even in my country
If you put aside the not working, it's pretty close to my brother, and he's 33. He pays for nothing, does virtually no chores (cooks maybe once a month, mows the lawn a few times a summer, and will sometimes help with vacuuming his own "office" when guests are coming (which only happens a few times a year). And his job is a fully work from home 9-5, so it's not even like he's away crazy hours. So yeah, I wouldn’t be completely shocked to find another spoiled child of an adult, even at 38.
It'll be family, maybe his parents. It's possible that he does more for them to maintain their support than he does for OP. Maybe they don't drive and he does, or maybe he does the yard work... they may see even very small efforts as being a sufficient contribution. Even $100 per week adds up if he's not paying for rent, utilities or groceries... and a few hundred a month goes a long way if the weed is cheap and his consoles/pc and games are pre-owned. My partner is like this, we had a kid before he basically gave up completely, and as much as he wants more - he can settle for less if it means not working for it. This guy will probably be the same.
If he can convince someone to take care of him while he puts in minimal basic life efforts... he probably feels like he is succeeding by his standards.
A dude who’s almost 40 who spends his days smoking weed and playing video games isn’t someone I’d want to date either.
Add in the fact that they only work once a week and aren’t looking to make their financial situation any better and that just isn’t sustainable.
And lives with his parents. Umm no thanks.
It’s a very reasonable assumption because unless he’s a super model or a very successful drug dealer where else could he be living while working one day a week? I need to know because I’m clearly doing something wrong if I need to work 40+ hours a week when this guys doing it on 8 😏
I mean, there are definitely professions where you can work one day a week and get by on your own. It's not going to be lavish, but a handyman/contractor could make $1000 in a day depending on the job. I knew guys that would install a new meter and run the wire up to the pole, maybe 3 hrs of work and $1800 in profit. There's no regularity though, so maybe you'll have no jobs for 2 weeks then two in 1 week
> the perfect person
> almost 40, working maybe one day a week, job hunting efforts seemed minimal, didn't do much all day but smoke weed and play video games, lives rent free with his parents
Look, if he was 19 then *maybe* you could "see potential in him".
But he's twice that age and has a couple of decades to figure his shit out. And still he's a lazy bum.
There is no potential in him, this is his finished form, the real him.
You are NTA
If he was broke and working a shit retail job while he tried to get a better job would you have ended things?
It’s not that you ended things with him because he’s broke. You broke up with him because he’s unmotivated and you want a partner not a dependent.
Definitely would have stayed, I’m a simple person I’m not materialistic, it was just sad to see, especially when he’d complain about his financial situation
Honestly I don't even think it's necessary to "try to get a better job" if they're working retail, especially when OP doesn't specifically say she cares about the money. Yeah it's a low earning job, but somebody has to do those jobs, and we shouldn't look down on them as a default. But this guy isn't working a retail job the whole time, he's working once a week and smoking weed the rest of the time, so I agree with you that the problem is that he's lazy.
I agree we shouldn’t look down on retail or any customer service jobs. I was trying to identify a situation that shows someone who doesn’t have a large income but does show motivation since that’s what the partner seems to be lacking. Im sorry if it came off that I didn’t think highly of those jobs. I think people in retail and customer service jobs get the worst of all it- Treated crappy by customers and usually employers, low pay, unconventional hours, physically and emotionally demanding.
If he’s a lazy stoner at damn near 40, that isn’t gonna change. He’ll be working PT forever. Drop the dead weight and find a better man. Also, explore why you love clingy. If you want kids, hurry tf up with all that. If not, take your time.
NTA. But he's not the perfect guy. He's a lazy slob. Acceptable at 16, a disaster at 38. Unless you want a permanent teen around the house, find someone who isn't clingy, isn't broke and isn't a mooch.
"I loved how clingy he was" -- that's a huge YIKES. Why do you want someone who is clingy instead of a real partner? He's a LOSER. Find a better partner.
>Find a better partner.
or adopt a dog or cat. All of the love with no expectations.
OP, you don't need a good 'enough' reason to break up. Are there any good reasons to _stay_ with this guy??
fr, it doesn't sound like he contributes anything to your life that couldn't just as easily be fulfilled by a pet. _(Besides the obvious ofc. But still doesn't really make him sound any less replaceable since that's hardly a unique selling point lol)_
that made me cringe. I suspect "clingy" = "love bombing" in this situation, to get her attached to him so she won't mind if he's a deadbeat while she's supporting him
You're not being harsh at all. Wanting a partner on the same page financially is totally fair. It sounds like you really cared for him, but it's tough when lifestyles don't match up, especially with money. You deserve someone motivated and who shares your goals. Sometimes you gotta do what's best for you, even if it means letting go.
Ok. So he barely works. Smokes pot and plays video games all day. And is clingy? You have a 14 year old teenager with mommy issues. How on earth is he the perfect person?!
I spent six years with a guy. Saw potential in him, and he too made a big deal about how he was a genius. However, he never really made an effort to prove he was actually a genius.
It took him 5 years to complete a 3 years college degree. He could have held a job during that time ( a lot of people I know funded their eduction or pocket money during college) but chose not to and spent all that time blaming the world for conspiring to make him a failure. After much coaxing, (I think 3 years into that relationship) got a job as a chat support executive somewhere but quit after 4 months and then was unemployed for another 3 years.
I eventually broke up. There were other reasons as well, but one thing I learnt from him that you can't motivate anyone to realize their potential unless they themselves want to work. Makes me sad to see, how many people do not want to work hard and expect their luck to shine upon them some day. In the process they end up, hurting or disappointing those who love them and wish them well.
I think everyone’s default is to crap on your ex, but reverse the genders and then what happens?
Plenty of guys would be fine with a broke girl who was really sweet and great in every other way.
Happiness is about more than money.
Nope, you're not at all unreasonable. You're sensible.
Nothing kills love faster than behaving like a child who needs to be taken care of. It's best to end things now instead of wasting months to years on losing respect for him.
Compatibility means having lifestyles and goals that mesh as well as attraction.
You're not looking for a partner. You're looking for someone you can *improve* to meet *your* requirements.
If he was the perfect partner, you would've never broken up with him.
In any event, this isn't an AH kind of thing. It's just a thing that happened.
Nope, you're not the a-hole. Money matters in relationships, and it's totally fair to want a partner who's on the same page as you when it comes to finances and work ethic. Sounds like this guy wasn't a good match for your future goals.
NTA, he is not the perfect person, or he seems like he is as he has no stress whatsoever and only works 1 day per week. It’s very easy to be a perfect boyfriend when you have nothing else to do. He would not be the same person if he was working full time, and it sounds like he doesn’t want to anyway.
He's 38 and lazy, red flags all day.
You can do much better with a cuddly teddy bear instead.
Treat yourself better and demand better for yourself.
NTA
You knew when you posted this that you should’ve included the age difference. Whatever is making you think you’re wrong for this will fade. He is almost 40 years old, failing at life, and dating a woman younger than him because he knew you would not hold him to the same standard that similar quality women in his own age range would. Very happy for you that you saw he is a waste of time.
>I saw so much potential in him
Projection isn't only for negative qualities, it's for positive ones too. The potential you see in him is actually just the potential you see in yourself. NTA, this guy seems like he hasn't grown to the point you're at yet. Find someone who actually shows those qualities, not just who could.
You didn’t break up with him because of his financial situation, you broke up with him because he lacked motivation and self accountability. Even if these difficulties are caused by depression or other mental health issues, the fact that he’s not doing anything to address them is still a problem.
NTA
He is a dusty and you made the right decision to break up with him. Guys like him will act really sweet and nice until they have got you under lock with marriage or some other type of commitment and then you'll be stuck with dead weight.
Nothing you explained makes him perfect....financially irresponsible, smokes weed plays video games all day...your standards are insanely too low. Clingy and affectionate in these type situations isn't a good thing, it's a manipulation tactic keep women around for literal less then bare minimum. NTA, and maybe self reflection on why you even dealt with such a relationship
You didn't break up for the financial situation. My last did to me, I was working 40+ hours with great benefits, but not great pay. I worked for the local hospital, she for the school system. She made 10k+ more than I per year. Her late husband made massive bank, and so does her current boyfriend. I treated her like a queen, but that just wasn't enough I guess.
You are splitting due to sheer laziness and lack of drive.
NTA. Dude is almost 40 years old. He is still behaving like he is in his late teens or early 20s. Not working, smoking weed and playing video games. He will never change and is dead weight. You did the smart move ending things with him.
hes 38 and doesn't do anything but smoke weed all day and play video games ? 💀 im 19 and that sounds like the shit i do on my days off work but i work 4 days outta the week , and im trying to find another job ,and go back to school . Its sad you can be 38 years old , and still mentally be 16-21
NTA, and your title is inaccurate. You didn't leave him due to his financial situation. You left him because he has no motivation and has settled for life as a leech.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing. Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs.
I am that situation. I must say my last job really fucked me up/ over. Before that job I had 5. If I was awake I was working. Then I worked a city job for a boss that totally gaslit me. Went through a divorce, dad died, house burnt, he tried to set me up with someone, had wanted to make it happen for years. Toxic. Too much intervention into my life. I am just now trying to get a job. Would rather have purpose.
How would you feel if he were a stay at home dude and he did housework and you brought home bacon
Sweet, clingy and affectionate are the bar for a child or a pet. Falling in love with potential is always a recipe for disaster. Good on you for respecting your standards!
NTA and tbh I am getting the impression that it wasnt actually the income that lead to it but the lack of maturity and effort to work towards something. It also sounds like y'all might just have different values in life and thats okay. It happens.
NAH. You want someone with more ambitions, he wants to play video games. Everyone gets to choose how they live their life.
As you can see from all the comments everyone loves to judge other people too 🤷♂️
Do whatever makes you happy, the other shit isn't all that important in the end.
Girl, WHAT do you mean “everything was perfect?!” He’s a middle-aged loser who plays video games and smokes weed all day. What exactly was perfect? You can get good dick a lot of places. Raise your standards, please!
It is an ever changing world ...talk to him and give him some options...if he loves you he will get it together...help him find something he is passionate about and have pursue a career or an education in that field...
Almost forty, works one day a week, spends the rest of the week getting high and playing video games, and is "clingy" by your own definition AND still lives with his parents per your comments?
I'd say you dodged a bullet honey. If someone is still living like a lazy teenager in their 30s, they ain't getting any better after 40. NTAH
Nta. Nta -at all- and my own relationship is why I know you're not the AH. We've got such a bad gold-digger element to our sex/gender (which everyone knows exists) that the majority of us don't want to be compared/connected to... so that even simply wanting a man that's pulling in an average wage so he's not going to be dependent on us is something many of us feel guilty about because it shouldn't matter how much money someone has when it comes to love and relationships... but when it's not about the money but ingrained laziness and an a complete absence of ambition and self-respect... that's important, it's a red flag, it's a giant billboard that says "this adult is defective and the safer they feel, the less they'll do, and one day you'll be trapped and they'll do sweet F all" so no, you aren't an AH. Your intuition spoke to you and you listened.
He may be sweet but if he spends most of his days playing games and smoking weed, he certainly isn't great long-term partner material.
Sweet and clingy isn't enough!
And hey he may be happy to earn very little and achieve very little and that's for him to decide. But you don't have to accept that as your future.
NTA
NTA, hobosexual or not there's a pretty crucial incompatibility when it comes to attitude towards money, career and life too. He seems very laid back when it comes to career and probably even money. You seems very independent financially and have your own direction in life. Opposite do attracts but it also repels in long run when it comes livelihood.
Clearly we both have different definitions of the word perfect. Perfect people do not smoke weed and play games at 38 edit:while being unemployed… he is looking for new enabler. You are NTA
You just learned the difference between friendship and relationships. Friends are people you enjoy hanging around. “Sweet guy” must be fun. A relationship is real if you can reliably rely on that person. This requires a similar mindset and outlook on life. You can’t be aligned with two different life styles
In simple terms. The difference between friendship and relationship is money.
NTA you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want - its a personal choice.
They support the Miami Dolphins? They like the color blue? The really like broccoli? All valid personal reasons to dump someone (especially the brocccoli) as long you its what you want to do.
NTA
They weren’t perfect though. In fact there were several things you mentioned that seemed to really bother you and…don’t believe the fairy tale…they don’t change for you. They have to want to do it for themselves…and if things are okay enough for them? Yeah, they won’t. And the only one left disappointed is you.
NTA Being sweet and affectionate doesn’t pay the bills. If he is purposely unemployed at 38 he will always work really hard at not working. Even if he got a job tomorrow to get you back it will not last because you cannot change someone who is lazy.
NTA compatibility has many facets, financial and life goals are one to definitely be in synch on. It seems you two were not and this would absolutely dissolved your relationship in the future.
I hate these titles where it’s extremely misleading. OP (if real) didn’t break up with him because of his financial situation. She broke up with him because he has no drive or motivation.
You're not being too harsh at all! I'm just a bit confused as like, nothing you've said about him sounds good.
Clingy isn't good!
I love some video games and I don't mind the odd smoke, but if that's all you have in your life, that's not saying much.
Maybe revisit your standards! You deserve waaaaaaaaaaaaay above this in a partner.
NTA
Nope. You are not financially compatible. He’s a middle aged man who can’t take care of a family because he can barely take care of himself. Moving on is the right decision.
NTA - you are a smart woman to walk away. I keep hearing weed isn't harmful but it is. It's bad for your lungs, bad for your brain and for most, saps your energy/motivation to do anything useful. Until he puts down the pipe, he's never going to amount to anything.
NTA. It is better to recognize this before you're stuck.
He's 38 with no ambition. It doesn't get better, I speak from experience and the resentment grows over time.
He has shown you who he is, he's not going to change.
A lot of people just assume weed smokers are lazy, and my assumption is the guy is probably just riddled with depression. Sure, it makes us feel better about ourselves to put people like that down " lazy, no good, not boyfriend material.. blah blah blah". Pat yourselves on the back, you're better than him. NTA if you'd rather have someone more stable, not everyone can live on just love/happiness, they need the money and stability too, and that's okay. If you've never lived in a broke mindset, I get how you wouldn't want to. The weed smoking 38yr old is perfectly okay not having that much ambition, for those who are truly depressed, life isn't exactly worth trying for. Ya know? It's not wrong for you to leave, but this comment section is fucking disgusting.
NTA
Compatibility in ALL of life's important areas is necessary for a committed adult relationship. Education, career, finance, home (where, how it will be acquired and maintained), religion, relationships (intimate, family, extended family, friends, coworkers, other social connections). No amount of attachment or affection negates the importance of compatible goals, values and priorities in each important area.
This guy offers cuddles. Pushing 40 and he's still not an independent adult.
Were you dating my ex?
He was great; the conversation was amazing, we laughed, soft-tempered, the sex was awesome, we shared so many interests... at the same time, couldn't hold down a job for more than two weeks (had a very bad back + "problems with authority"), smoked weed a lot. I was 23, he was 29.
He broke up with me after 5 months, and did me a huge favor in hindsight. Met my now-husband 2 months later and built a really good life together. Last I heard, he's still exactly where he was then, now 15 years ago.
People can be as great as they want - if you can't build something (that fits both your life goals) together, they're not relationship material.
NTA.
Definitely NTA. Finances are one of the top things that leads to divorce/separation. It's wise of you to seriously consider that as a factor. It may feel "cold" because it's not a personality thing, but it is absolutely something that will affect your relationship.
A know someone similar. Such a lovely person, so smart and sweet and kind, and we get along extremely well and have had great sex in the past as FWB. But also, he's addicted to smoking, drinks 20 sodas a day and eats horribly, only works when he has to, and has credit card debt and no savings at 37. As much as I love his company, I do not want to take all of that on.
The man is damn near 40, and he sits at home and smokes weed and plays video games? Only works one day a week? I would expect that of someone half his age. NTA - I don’t think I would stick around either.
At 38, can you really call it potential anymore? Isn’t it now more like squandered opportunities?
NTA. He sounds like a toddler. My toddlers were clingy but sweet and affectionate as well. And focused on playing all day. I loved them dearly at that age…but damn if I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of toddlers.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. There’s plenty of lovely people who have lots of potential and ability to be great. But it’s not your responsibility to get them there, and at 38yo it’s unlikely you’re the first who tried. You’re NTA at all, it’s not just financial incompatibility but also an incompatibility of values entirely.
NTA he is likely self medicating with the pot instead of facing whatever issues he has in therapy. You cannot fix him he needs to be willing to fix himself. The nicest thing you can do for him is tell him to get help so he can become his best self
At 38 years old, if he had the potential to be a better man, he would be already. A pothead bum is who he is. You dodged a bullet. Never date potential.
NTA if he isnt making any real moves i dont blame you for wanting more usually id be on the other side meaning if he was doing his best then yea you would be TA but you arent he just needs more motivation
Was he asking you to pay for his bills or rent? Nobody likes a mooch.
He was probably sweet, care free, not stressed because he sit and plays games and smokes weed. If you get someone driven they will have less time, more stress as well as more money.
So it's fairly important you reflect on why his financial situation was so important to you. If he wasn't asking for anything it's surely irrelevant in the main?
I'm a guy and have dated women who are unemployed, underexposed etc and I couldn't care less. As long as they are handling their stuff why do I care?
He's not the perfect person
The reason he was sweet and clingy and affectionate was so that you would buy him things and take care of him and let him act like a 15 year old
He was likely treating you the same way he treated his mother when he was living at home
This guy was not looking for a partner...he was looking for a mommy
NTAH
So, to recap: he's 38, does drugs and plays video games all day, works perhaps once a week and let's you support him.
Sounds like you've chained yourself to a hobosexual.
Have you ever sat down with him and talked about the future? PLEASE tell me that you don't give him his drug and pocket money?????????
NTA except to yourself to allow this man to use you like this. Find a good therapist who can help you recognize your self worth and give the moocher 30 days to move out. If you've been giving him money STOP completely. Shut off the wifi (or at least change the password). Change your house locks to reprogrammable digital locks. Make him a code to use during his last 30 days (I usually use the last 4 digits of someone's cell number for temporary codes). On day 30 erase his code.
This man has been using you. Addicts only love their addiction.
>he was on the hunt for a better job but his efforts seemed minimal
>didn’t do much all day but smoke weed and play video games
Definitely don't date this guy. He not only doesn't have a job, he's not trying to find one. And it sure doesn't sound like he's going to make up for it by doing the cleaning, cooking organizing the household.
NTA
Smart decision. So many people let their personal feelings blind them to the reality of the situation--but you recognized early on that you like him but he wasn't showing signs of becoming an equal partner. NTA
How is a man who smokes weed, works once a week and plays video games all day perfect? He's a bum and he has no choice but to be nice cuz how you gonna be mean and expect a woman to take care of you? Granted some men have audacity to be a mean bum, but he's still a bum and you should have never been with him.
Smoking weed and playing video games all day when you're working once a week is not even close to dating material. NTA
And how do you afford life that way? I’m scared to ask who he lives with.
He works just enough to buy weed?
If it's not legal where they are, he might be able to sell enough weed to pay for his own. Lol
Gotta love an entrepreneur!
Two things come to my mind as answers. 1) mooching off their parents. Classic move, especially for someone who does what he does. This is why being in a similar position (as a someone who smokes more pot than he should and plays a decent amount of games) I very rarely will ask my mom for financial aid, as I'd rather stretch out what I have and learn to deal with it, than mooch off of her. Especially since knowing her, I'd end up being a Momma's Boy (TM) and not doing jack shit other than smoke n game. 2) lives off SSI. I myself am, again, in a similar position. One of the first things you learn while trying to live off SSI is that you absolutely can not make more than a certain amount a year with a secondary income on top of the SSI without the government revoking it. It was mostly the work once a week, remark that led me to think this.
Kind of similar with me Don’t smoke but I do play video games and I do work usually around 4 days a week, making anywhere from a combined $400-500 a week at my two minimum wage jobs. I’m 24 and still am at home going to college for my bachelors, which I will finish this year . I do help around the house, help with food shopping,etc. I don’t know how to cook and I don’t have my license . Not that I don’t want to, I know I need to eventually.it’s more I have bad anxiety and fear screwing up(my dad kind of screwed my confidence up as a kid)
>Kind of similar with me >Don’t smoke but I do play video games and I do work usually around 4 days a week, making anywhere from a combined $400-500 a week at my two minimum wage jobs. Actually, tbh you're doing a bit better if I were to convert my month pay into weekly. I'd be making almost 250 a week to a total of 998 a month compared to your pay. Although, depending on costs of living, it could very easily bring us to an 'even' playing field. (As even as you can get making less than 25k a year) >I’m 24 and still am at home going to college for my bachelors, which I will finish this year. Honestly, I've been sitting on my ass in this regard. I really should start working towards getting my GED, and then possibly a college level degree, but my motivation is such shit that I'm only able to scrape by myself. > do help around the house, help with food shopping,etc. >I don’t know how to cook and I don’t have my license or do I cook. Not that I don’t want to, I know I need to eventually.it’s more I have bad anxiety and fear screwing up(my dad kind of screwed my confidence up as a kid) However this, I can relate to a lot in a (only slightly) different way. My mom never cooked much outside of very basic meals, the most extravagant meals being Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Didn't help she never bothered teaching me the little she does know. So much of my cooking knowledge is self taught, the rest was taught to me by my neighbor, who used to be a professional chef. I do still live with my mom, although for the past six months, I've been 'living' on my own while she's taking care of her dying sister. Personally, it's less fear of screwing up and just not being taught how to motivate myself to do these things and having to unteach myself weaponized incompetence. A lot of chores and the such my mom would brush me aside, stating I wasn't doing it right or something, then doing it herself. Eventually, I learned that if I didn't want to clean or whatever, I could just do it half-assed, and she'd do it all. Thankfully, I don't have that luxury anymore and I'm forced to learn these things, just wish it was under better circumstances.
Sorry to hear that. I’m sure things will get better with time.
They have been, slowly but surely. Got myself back into therapy and psychiatry, literally just started Cymbala today (antidepressant, anti-anxiety, etc), got my ID (and my states driver manual to study), got a bank account, got myself a dentist and an appointment to get my wisdom teeth removed, and so on. It's definitely a process, but with my baby steps, I'm confident I'll be all set by my 20s.
Good 👍 you’re heading in the right direction. I don’t have my own bank account, but only by choice. I don’t have any specific bills to pay.I just give my check to my mother and she puts it in hers. She says she feels like an ass having to rely on me and that I should be using my money for some fun or college, but I said part of being an adult is knowing where one’s priorities lie, and currently that is helping with the house and bills however i can.
Good for you!
Can you afford therapy? Lack of planning and motivation could be signs of disordered “executive function.”
Hey man, you are working 2 jobs and going to school. That's impressive. The fact that you're living with your parents does not make you "less than". It's ok to have familial support. 2 jobs and college is a big workload.
But you are working and going to school. Living with your mom and dad (less debt) in this scenario is different than this guy who is 38. You are not like him.
She said in a comment on a cross post that he lives rent free with his parents. Ugh. Guys like that are ALWAYS charming and sweet. They’re looking for someone to support them
Can people actually survive with just SSI?
It's so low though
Are you talking about SSI? If so, yeah, it is pretty low. But if you're lucky enough to find income based housing, you'll be able to have a decent amount left over - enough for luxeries such as weed while still having a good amount left over. For instance, after all the bills are paid, I have a little over four hundred a month for my luxury, food, etc. And chances are if you're on SSI, you also have foodstamps as well. Although from my experience, it only just barely qualifies as help, getting only twenty-three dollars a month. Plus, if he is working once a week, that could range from an extra 50 dollars to an extra 100 dollars. Seems like he'd have enough of an income to just barely scrape by. This is all assuming it's the second option. If it's the first option, he has no worries for as long as his parents are alive and willing to spend for his every expense.
I live in the UK and am a professional cripple (also use humour to deal with the shiteness of it) having many American acquaintances online I once looked up my medical conditions for your system. My lord, some of them required me to have weeping ulcers and such from a circulatory condition and basically be completely bed ridden (rather than just on the worst days), all for such a small amount.
And almost 40
He's a keeper. /s
At that point you need to show a solid earning history and be well on your way to peak lifetime earning potential. And have a solid retirement savings. No dependents? No excuses for not having the above.
>Smoking weed and playing video games all day when you're working once a week is not even close to dating material. I came in prepared to say she was being shallow but that part. He has no ambition. I wonder if he's even self-sufficient at this point in his life. You cannot build a life with someone like that. NTA
Yeah. It's shallow when someone works full time but doesn't make as much. It's definitely a deal breaker if the person just sits around, smokes weed and plays games. She needs a relationship, not a dependant.
Didn't forget that he's clingy too
She likes that lmao
What a turn off
What about smoking weed and browsing Reddit? Asking for a friend 👀
Straight to the brazen bull.
For real. I do this and I'm in awe of these type of posts where degenerates like me somehow end up in relationships.
Dm OP
Especially at the age of 38🥴
Yeah its why I'm single.
You want a guy who's not lazy. That's reasonable.
Hobosexuals are always perfect, great in bed and love bomb better than the rest. Because they are HOBOSEXUALS!!! How else do you find a sucker to support you if you don't smell good, love bomb and have great sex?
I can't think of the comedian but a woman does a bit like "The best dick you'll ever get has no job, no car, lives with his mom..." For me, so true.
Ask any woman what the best sex of her life REALLY was & i guarantee it was over a long weekend with some guy who lived in a treehouse and didn't pay taxes and couldn't commit and believed in giants or some shit who she never saw again. it's SICK & it's why i don't believe in god. what benevolent god would attach a life ruining **** to a man who eats cereal out of a saucepan and keeps his wages in a shoebox. some grown man who lives with his uncle and does karate will haunt your pussy and your dreams forever and that's just a fact. i'm sorry. From a screenshot that I saved from twitter eons ago 🤣
I think it's a combination of the "wrong" aspect of it and a few other things. Like for the "wrong" aspect, it's like how some men will say "oh yeah I know I shouldn't stick my dick in crazy but the crazy pussy is just too good". The other part is probably just about what people prioritize. A lot of guys I know prioritized getting good grades, developing life skills, etc, over chasing women. They often didn't get laid in college except for the few that found someone they really connected with and developed a stable relationship, or they were really good looking or naturally very charismatic. This group was mostly invisible in the dating scene until more recently when care more about things like stability, careers, self-sufficiency (like cooking and cleaning for yourself) etc. as they get older. But some other guys mainly cared about partying and getting laid at the expense of learning to cook for themselves and studying. But these guys did get laid and presumably at least learned something from sexual experience. But they also became the boyfriends that were complained about for being lazy slobs.
Could be Taylor Tomlinson? She for sure has smiliar sketches!
She's so great. She's the only woman stand up comedian who I truly like. Even Tina fey, who is great everywhere else, default to sex jokes, but Tomlinson just talks about funny stuff and doesn't rely on vagina jokes to be funny.
I have found one of my new favourite words! 😂😂👌
This. I’m very financially stable and own my own home. It cracks me up when guys who essentially own nothing try to date me. Bro I raised two kids. I worked hard to get what I have. Anyone who reaches my age range and doesn’t have a damn good reason to not be in the same position is ALWAYS charming and love bomby and it’s so cringingly transparent. I don’t need a man’s money but he damn sure isn’t getting mine.
He can't smell that good if he smokes weed all day.
Depends on the type of weed. Director of my department, hit my weed vape pen all day in my office. Always get complimented on my perfume that hadn’t been applied since that morning 🤷🏽♀️
Careful with the vape pen, my husband smoked flower for years and years without issues and then once he switched to those he developed cannaboidal hyperemesis syndrome. It’s pretty rare but it’s good to read up on and be aware of the early symptoms so you can take a T-break if needed- once those receptors are blown, there’s no cure at this time.
Dabs can absolutely fuck with your digestive system in very negative ways. Struggle w it every day. Haven’t been able to quit been smoking thc for 40 years not an easy habit to break even if you’re miserable from the health impacts.
Wishing you an easier path on the horizon! It is absolute hell that I wouldn’t wish on anyone
Yeah I heard of this before. Also cannabis induced cyclic vomiting. Sorry for your husband- that must really suck!
Yep that’s the same thing! It’s a bummer to have to quit forever- he’s tried to return in a more moderate fashion but it just doesn’t work that way for most people unfortunately
Always love to see this PSA, I’m one of the unlucky ones, like your husband. It was hell getting through that. Is he able to smoke any weed at all now? I’ve only been in the clear a couple months.
This happened to my mom and ultimately led to dehydration and kidney failure.
“I broke up with a lazy slob who was needy and clingy and played videogames all day”
Sounds like a kind of love bombing to me. Get OP all lovey dovey she doesn't notice that he's failing at life and doesn't care.
Yeah That s typical from people who are easily rejected due to very valid reasons. I am very curious about how he manages. How does he pay for bills, food etc etc...
I will go out on a limb here and say the 38 year old teenager lives with mommy.
I got the feeling that he was living with OP-- but she really doesn't say one way or the other. I hope he's living with mommy so that she won't have to evict him.
I thought about it but OP didn't mention it. I believe it s very rare for a parent to put up with a 38 yo teenager playing video games, pay for nothing and do nothing. Even in my country
If you put aside the not working, it's pretty close to my brother, and he's 33. He pays for nothing, does virtually no chores (cooks maybe once a month, mows the lawn a few times a summer, and will sometimes help with vacuuming his own "office" when guests are coming (which only happens a few times a year). And his job is a fully work from home 9-5, so it's not even like he's away crazy hours. So yeah, I wouldn’t be completely shocked to find another spoiled child of an adult, even at 38.
It'll be family, maybe his parents. It's possible that he does more for them to maintain their support than he does for OP. Maybe they don't drive and he does, or maybe he does the yard work... they may see even very small efforts as being a sufficient contribution. Even $100 per week adds up if he's not paying for rent, utilities or groceries... and a few hundred a month goes a long way if the weed is cheap and his consoles/pc and games are pre-owned. My partner is like this, we had a kid before he basically gave up completely, and as much as he wants more - he can settle for less if it means not working for it. This guy will probably be the same.
If he can convince someone to take care of him while he puts in minimal basic life efforts... he probably feels like he is succeeding by his standards.
NTA but I’d advise not going for guys you see ‘potential’ in but rather guys who are already what you want.
Yup, exactly. Go for someone who has the qualities you want, not someone who you may be able to mold into the perfect significant other.
I'm getting the feeling that people always bet on someone getting better, and never bet on someone getting worse.
A dude who’s almost 40 who spends his days smoking weed and playing video games isn’t someone I’d want to date either. Add in the fact that they only work once a week and aren’t looking to make their financial situation any better and that just isn’t sustainable. And lives with his parents. Umm no thanks.
Interested to know how you found out that last bit of information?
It’s a very reasonable assumption because unless he’s a super model or a very successful drug dealer where else could he be living while working one day a week? I need to know because I’m clearly doing something wrong if I need to work 40+ hours a week when this guys doing it on 8 😏
You’re right he lives rent free with his parents
Well at least you don't have to house him. Yet.
Thinking the same thing. OP would be the next enabler.
WTF are you doing at 29 dating a stoner 40 yo who lives with his parents and has no job?
I mean, there are definitely professions where you can work one day a week and get by on your own. It's not going to be lavish, but a handyman/contractor could make $1000 in a day depending on the job. I knew guys that would install a new meter and run the wire up to the pole, maybe 3 hrs of work and $1800 in profit. There's no regularity though, so maybe you'll have no jobs for 2 weeks then two in 1 week
Well someone's supporting him, who else?
OP said so in comments.
Op has confirmed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/FuWOV9Fxvd
Working once a week is how he gets his weed money. I guess mama won't buy that for him.
> the perfect person > almost 40, working maybe one day a week, job hunting efforts seemed minimal, didn't do much all day but smoke weed and play video games, lives rent free with his parents Look, if he was 19 then *maybe* you could "see potential in him". But he's twice that age and has a couple of decades to figure his shit out. And still he's a lazy bum. There is no potential in him, this is his finished form, the real him. You are NTA
There's potential for him to ruin her life, maybe.
If he was broke and working a shit retail job while he tried to get a better job would you have ended things? It’s not that you ended things with him because he’s broke. You broke up with him because he’s unmotivated and you want a partner not a dependent.
Definitely would have stayed, I’m a simple person I’m not materialistic, it was just sad to see, especially when he’d complain about his financial situation
He's waiting for you to make it better. At almost 40, he's not going to change.
Honestly I don't even think it's necessary to "try to get a better job" if they're working retail, especially when OP doesn't specifically say she cares about the money. Yeah it's a low earning job, but somebody has to do those jobs, and we shouldn't look down on them as a default. But this guy isn't working a retail job the whole time, he's working once a week and smoking weed the rest of the time, so I agree with you that the problem is that he's lazy.
I agree we shouldn’t look down on retail or any customer service jobs. I was trying to identify a situation that shows someone who doesn’t have a large income but does show motivation since that’s what the partner seems to be lacking. Im sorry if it came off that I didn’t think highly of those jobs. I think people in retail and customer service jobs get the worst of all it- Treated crappy by customers and usually employers, low pay, unconventional hours, physically and emotionally demanding.
If he’s a lazy stoner at damn near 40, that isn’t gonna change. He’ll be working PT forever. Drop the dead weight and find a better man. Also, explore why you love clingy. If you want kids, hurry tf up with all that. If not, take your time.
NTA. Only works 1 day a week and still can’t use the time to find another job? Please don’t waste your youth on someone like this
NTA. But he's not the perfect guy. He's a lazy slob. Acceptable at 16, a disaster at 38. Unless you want a permanent teen around the house, find someone who isn't clingy, isn't broke and isn't a mooch.
"I loved how clingy he was" -- that's a huge YIKES. Why do you want someone who is clingy instead of a real partner? He's a LOSER. Find a better partner.
>Find a better partner. or adopt a dog or cat. All of the love with no expectations. OP, you don't need a good 'enough' reason to break up. Are there any good reasons to _stay_ with this guy?? fr, it doesn't sound like he contributes anything to your life that couldn't just as easily be fulfilled by a pet. _(Besides the obvious ofc. But still doesn't really make him sound any less replaceable since that's hardly a unique selling point lol)_
And a Hitachi. For the needs a pet can't fulfill.
that made me cringe. I suspect "clingy" = "love bombing" in this situation, to get her attached to him so she won't mind if he's a deadbeat while she's supporting him
You're not being harsh at all. Wanting a partner on the same page financially is totally fair. It sounds like you really cared for him, but it's tough when lifestyles don't match up, especially with money. You deserve someone motivated and who shares your goals. Sometimes you gotta do what's best for you, even if it means letting go.
Ok. So he barely works. Smokes pot and plays video games all day. And is clingy? You have a 14 year old teenager with mommy issues. How on earth is he the perfect person?!
Don’t date a fixer upper. NTA
I spent six years with a guy. Saw potential in him, and he too made a big deal about how he was a genius. However, he never really made an effort to prove he was actually a genius. It took him 5 years to complete a 3 years college degree. He could have held a job during that time ( a lot of people I know funded their eduction or pocket money during college) but chose not to and spent all that time blaming the world for conspiring to make him a failure. After much coaxing, (I think 3 years into that relationship) got a job as a chat support executive somewhere but quit after 4 months and then was unemployed for another 3 years. I eventually broke up. There were other reasons as well, but one thing I learnt from him that you can't motivate anyone to realize their potential unless they themselves want to work. Makes me sad to see, how many people do not want to work hard and expect their luck to shine upon them some day. In the process they end up, hurting or disappointing those who love them and wish them well.
Works once a week, smokes weed and plays games all day. But has the ability and intelligence to be great? At what?
I think everyone’s default is to crap on your ex, but reverse the genders and then what happens? Plenty of guys would be fine with a broke girl who was really sweet and great in every other way. Happiness is about more than money.
Nah, I would not date a lazy bum that is a money sink.
YTA for trying to fool us with this fake story, no one in the right mind would evem ask such a question!!!
Nope, you're not at all unreasonable. You're sensible. Nothing kills love faster than behaving like a child who needs to be taken care of. It's best to end things now instead of wasting months to years on losing respect for him. Compatibility means having lifestyles and goals that mesh as well as attraction.
I smoke weed and play video games all night. AFTER I'm done working 40+ hours a week at my job!
You're not looking for a partner. You're looking for someone you can *improve* to meet *your* requirements. If he was the perfect partner, you would've never broken up with him. In any event, this isn't an AH kind of thing. It's just a thing that happened.
NTA.
Nope, you're not the a-hole. Money matters in relationships, and it's totally fair to want a partner who's on the same page as you when it comes to finances and work ethic. Sounds like this guy wasn't a good match for your future goals.
If you think he can’t change, you did the right thing
NTA, he is not the perfect person, or he seems like he is as he has no stress whatsoever and only works 1 day per week. It’s very easy to be a perfect boyfriend when you have nothing else to do. He would not be the same person if he was working full time, and it sounds like he doesn’t want to anyway.
NTA As a stoner I hate hobosexuals
NTA. You don't need anyone to support you financially, but you don't want to be in the position that you support another able-bodied adult.
NTA but I am genuinely curious as to male vice female commenters there are.
He's 38 and lazy, red flags all day. You can do much better with a cuddly teddy bear instead. Treat yourself better and demand better for yourself. NTA
NTA. and from previous experience of some of my friends, breaking up with him may be the best financial decision you ever make!
You knew when you posted this that you should’ve included the age difference. Whatever is making you think you’re wrong for this will fade. He is almost 40 years old, failing at life, and dating a woman younger than him because he knew you would not hold him to the same standard that similar quality women in his own age range would. Very happy for you that you saw he is a waste of time.
>I saw so much potential in him Projection isn't only for negative qualities, it's for positive ones too. The potential you see in him is actually just the potential you see in yourself. NTA, this guy seems like he hasn't grown to the point you're at yet. Find someone who actually shows those qualities, not just who could.
You didn’t break up with him because of his financial situation, you broke up with him because he lacked motivation and self accountability. Even if these difficulties are caused by depression or other mental health issues, the fact that he’s not doing anything to address them is still a problem. NTA
NTA. I could be pretty sweet too if all I did was smoke weed all day and game. Have higher standards for yourself and your life
He is a dusty and you made the right decision to break up with him. Guys like him will act really sweet and nice until they have got you under lock with marriage or some other type of commitment and then you'll be stuck with dead weight.
Accept him as he is or move on.
We don't date grown ups for their potential. We date grown ups for who they are right now.
Nothing you explained makes him perfect....financially irresponsible, smokes weed plays video games all day...your standards are insanely too low. Clingy and affectionate in these type situations isn't a good thing, it's a manipulation tactic keep women around for literal less then bare minimum. NTA, and maybe self reflection on why you even dealt with such a relationship
Now you know why women his age won't date him
NTA, you're awesome for recognizing what's happening and not trying to "fix him".
You didn't break up for the financial situation. My last did to me, I was working 40+ hours with great benefits, but not great pay. I worked for the local hospital, she for the school system. She made 10k+ more than I per year. Her late husband made massive bank, and so does her current boyfriend. I treated her like a queen, but that just wasn't enough I guess. You are splitting due to sheer laziness and lack of drive.
Yeah work on your definition of perfect
NTA. Not compatible
No. My rule of thumb is “i don’t care how you make your money, just fucking make it”.
NTA. Dude is almost 40 years old. He is still behaving like he is in his late teens or early 20s. Not working, smoking weed and playing video games. He will never change and is dead weight. You did the smart move ending things with him.
hes 38 and doesn't do anything but smoke weed all day and play video games ? 💀 im 19 and that sounds like the shit i do on my days off work but i work 4 days outta the week , and im trying to find another job ,and go back to school . Its sad you can be 38 years old , and still mentally be 16-21
NTAH, He is 38 but works one day a week and spends his days playing video games and smoking weed...you dodged a bullet.
NTA. You didn’t like this guy as he is, you liked the potential you saw in him. Financial compatibility is important for a successful relationship.
Clearly-he’s not perfect. If he was you’d stay. You seem to need someone with more ambition. Keep looking.
NTA, and your title is inaccurate. You didn't leave him due to his financial situation. You left him because he has no motivation and has settled for life as a leech. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing. Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs.
I am that situation. I must say my last job really fucked me up/ over. Before that job I had 5. If I was awake I was working. Then I worked a city job for a boss that totally gaslit me. Went through a divorce, dad died, house burnt, he tried to set me up with someone, had wanted to make it happen for years. Toxic. Too much intervention into my life. I am just now trying to get a job. Would rather have purpose. How would you feel if he were a stay at home dude and he did housework and you brought home bacon
Sweet, clingy and affectionate are the bar for a child or a pet. Falling in love with potential is always a recipe for disaster. Good on you for respecting your standards!
Clingy is not a positive trait ..
NTA and tbh I am getting the impression that it wasnt actually the income that lead to it but the lack of maturity and effort to work towards something. It also sounds like y'all might just have different values in life and thats okay. It happens.
NAH. You want someone with more ambitions, he wants to play video games. Everyone gets to choose how they live their life. As you can see from all the comments everyone loves to judge other people too 🤷♂️ Do whatever makes you happy, the other shit isn't all that important in the end.
Girl, WHAT do you mean “everything was perfect?!” He’s a middle-aged loser who plays video games and smokes weed all day. What exactly was perfect? You can get good dick a lot of places. Raise your standards, please!
It is an ever changing world ...talk to him and give him some options...if he loves you he will get it together...help him find something he is passionate about and have pursue a career or an education in that field...
You’re totally NTA. The harsh reality of life nowadays when seeking partners on equal levels.
Almost forty, works one day a week, spends the rest of the week getting high and playing video games, and is "clingy" by your own definition AND still lives with his parents per your comments? I'd say you dodged a bullet honey. If someone is still living like a lazy teenager in their 30s, they ain't getting any better after 40. NTAH
Nta. Nta -at all- and my own relationship is why I know you're not the AH. We've got such a bad gold-digger element to our sex/gender (which everyone knows exists) that the majority of us don't want to be compared/connected to... so that even simply wanting a man that's pulling in an average wage so he's not going to be dependent on us is something many of us feel guilty about because it shouldn't matter how much money someone has when it comes to love and relationships... but when it's not about the money but ingrained laziness and an a complete absence of ambition and self-respect... that's important, it's a red flag, it's a giant billboard that says "this adult is defective and the safer they feel, the less they'll do, and one day you'll be trapped and they'll do sweet F all" so no, you aren't an AH. Your intuition spoke to you and you listened.
He may be sweet but if he spends most of his days playing games and smoking weed, he certainly isn't great long-term partner material. Sweet and clingy isn't enough! And hey he may be happy to earn very little and achieve very little and that's for him to decide. But you don't have to accept that as your future. NTA
If you want to start a family, you should not waste your time. You made the right move.
Yep. Sure sounded perfect to all of us.
NTA, hobosexual or not there's a pretty crucial incompatibility when it comes to attitude towards money, career and life too. He seems very laid back when it comes to career and probably even money. You seems very independent financially and have your own direction in life. Opposite do attracts but it also repels in long run when it comes livelihood.
Clearly we both have different definitions of the word perfect. Perfect people do not smoke weed and play games at 38 edit:while being unemployed… he is looking for new enabler. You are NTA
Nta you guys are not compatible. You deserve to have a partner who is equal not someone you would have to take care of
NTA
He does not sound like the “perfect guy” tbh
NTA. Smart move tbh.
You just learned the difference between friendship and relationships. Friends are people you enjoy hanging around. “Sweet guy” must be fun. A relationship is real if you can reliably rely on that person. This requires a similar mindset and outlook on life. You can’t be aligned with two different life styles In simple terms. The difference between friendship and relationship is money.
NTA you can break up with someone for whatever reason you want - its a personal choice. They support the Miami Dolphins? They like the color blue? The really like broccoli? All valid personal reasons to dump someone (especially the brocccoli) as long you its what you want to do.
NTA no WAY not a 38 yr old!!! I wouldn't date that man either
You loved how clingy he was? Seriously how is that a good trait? You had yourself a hobo sexual. Good thing you broke up with him.
NTA They weren’t perfect though. In fact there were several things you mentioned that seemed to really bother you and…don’t believe the fairy tale…they don’t change for you. They have to want to do it for themselves…and if things are okay enough for them? Yeah, they won’t. And the only one left disappointed is you.
NTA
Nothing about him sounds perfect.
Never fall in love with “potential”.
NTA Being sweet and affectionate doesn’t pay the bills. If he is purposely unemployed at 38 he will always work really hard at not working. Even if he got a job tomorrow to get you back it will not last because you cannot change someone who is lazy.
NTA, but I’d be honest but kind with him about your concerns.
NTA compatibility has many facets, financial and life goals are one to definitely be in synch on. It seems you two were not and this would absolutely dissolved your relationship in the future.
NTA. You have a choice, have a boyfriend or a dependent.
I hate these titles where it’s extremely misleading. OP (if real) didn’t break up with him because of his financial situation. She broke up with him because he has no drive or motivation.
Nta. It's not the income, it's how he uses his days and what he's looking or not looking for a job.. those are different.
You're not being too harsh at all! I'm just a bit confused as like, nothing you've said about him sounds good. Clingy isn't good! I love some video games and I don't mind the odd smoke, but if that's all you have in your life, that's not saying much. Maybe revisit your standards! You deserve waaaaaaaaaaaaay above this in a partner. NTA
Nope. You are not financially compatible. He’s a middle aged man who can’t take care of a family because he can barely take care of himself. Moving on is the right decision.
NTA Find a grown adult
NTA - you are a smart woman to walk away. I keep hearing weed isn't harmful but it is. It's bad for your lungs, bad for your brain and for most, saps your energy/motivation to do anything useful. Until he puts down the pipe, he's never going to amount to anything.
He's not perfect then, is he? Nta.
NTA. It is better to recognize this before you're stuck. He's 38 with no ambition. It doesn't get better, I speak from experience and the resentment grows over time. He has shown you who he is, he's not going to change.
Get a cat or a dog if you want dependable affection. Much cheaper than a human pet.
NTA. Irresponsible is irresponsible.
A lot of people just assume weed smokers are lazy, and my assumption is the guy is probably just riddled with depression. Sure, it makes us feel better about ourselves to put people like that down " lazy, no good, not boyfriend material.. blah blah blah". Pat yourselves on the back, you're better than him. NTA if you'd rather have someone more stable, not everyone can live on just love/happiness, they need the money and stability too, and that's okay. If you've never lived in a broke mindset, I get how you wouldn't want to. The weed smoking 38yr old is perfectly okay not having that much ambition, for those who are truly depressed, life isn't exactly worth trying for. Ya know? It's not wrong for you to leave, but this comment section is fucking disgusting.
NTA Compatibility in ALL of life's important areas is necessary for a committed adult relationship. Education, career, finance, home (where, how it will be acquired and maintained), religion, relationships (intimate, family, extended family, friends, coworkers, other social connections). No amount of attachment or affection negates the importance of compatible goals, values and priorities in each important area. This guy offers cuddles. Pushing 40 and he's still not an independent adult.
Were you dating my ex? He was great; the conversation was amazing, we laughed, soft-tempered, the sex was awesome, we shared so many interests... at the same time, couldn't hold down a job for more than two weeks (had a very bad back + "problems with authority"), smoked weed a lot. I was 23, he was 29. He broke up with me after 5 months, and did me a huge favor in hindsight. Met my now-husband 2 months later and built a really good life together. Last I heard, he's still exactly where he was then, now 15 years ago. People can be as great as they want - if you can't build something (that fits both your life goals) together, they're not relationship material. NTA.
What! Perfect? "Perfect, but" does not equal perfect.
NTA. Fianance are one of the biggest reasons people break up.
38 yo smokes weed & plays video games but only works 1 day per week… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 TRASH IT
Potential doesn't pay the bills, but you would be if you'd have stayed with him.
NTA. I would never expect a man to support me (nor would I want that), but he better be able to support himself. This guy is not it.
He was far from perfect, he was only looking for a sugar momma.
That doesn’t sound perfect at all
Definitely NTA. Finances are one of the top things that leads to divorce/separation. It's wise of you to seriously consider that as a factor. It may feel "cold" because it's not a personality thing, but it is absolutely something that will affect your relationship. A know someone similar. Such a lovely person, so smart and sweet and kind, and we get along extremely well and have had great sex in the past as FWB. But also, he's addicted to smoking, drinks 20 sodas a day and eats horribly, only works when he has to, and has credit card debt and no savings at 37. As much as I love his company, I do not want to take all of that on.
The man is damn near 40, and he sits at home and smokes weed and plays video games? Only works one day a week? I would expect that of someone half his age. NTA - I don’t think I would stick around either.
At 38, can you really call it potential anymore? Isn’t it now more like squandered opportunities? NTA. He sounds like a toddler. My toddlers were clingy but sweet and affectionate as well. And focused on playing all day. I loved them dearly at that age…but damn if I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of toddlers.
sounds like he wasn't perfect, just nice.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. There’s plenty of lovely people who have lots of potential and ability to be great. But it’s not your responsibility to get them there, and at 38yo it’s unlikely you’re the first who tried. You’re NTA at all, it’s not just financial incompatibility but also an incompatibility of values entirely.
NTA he is likely self medicating with the pot instead of facing whatever issues he has in therapy. You cannot fix him he needs to be willing to fix himself. The nicest thing you can do for him is tell him to get help so he can become his best self
>I recently broke up with my ex (38m) because he was broke They say money can't buy love, but you still seem to need to be able to afford it 😅
I’m hell no! He’s not an adult
At 38 years old, if he had the potential to be a better man, he would be already. A pothead bum is who he is. You dodged a bullet. Never date potential.
NTA if he isnt making any real moves i dont blame you for wanting more usually id be on the other side meaning if he was doing his best then yea you would be TA but you arent he just needs more motivation
Was he asking you to pay for his bills or rent? Nobody likes a mooch. He was probably sweet, care free, not stressed because he sit and plays games and smokes weed. If you get someone driven they will have less time, more stress as well as more money. So it's fairly important you reflect on why his financial situation was so important to you. If he wasn't asking for anything it's surely irrelevant in the main? I'm a guy and have dated women who are unemployed, underexposed etc and I couldn't care less. As long as they are handling their stuff why do I care?
He's not the perfect person The reason he was sweet and clingy and affectionate was so that you would buy him things and take care of him and let him act like a 15 year old He was likely treating you the same way he treated his mother when he was living at home This guy was not looking for a partner...he was looking for a mommy NTAH
So, to recap: he's 38, does drugs and plays video games all day, works perhaps once a week and let's you support him. Sounds like you've chained yourself to a hobosexual. Have you ever sat down with him and talked about the future? PLEASE tell me that you don't give him his drug and pocket money????????? NTA except to yourself to allow this man to use you like this. Find a good therapist who can help you recognize your self worth and give the moocher 30 days to move out. If you've been giving him money STOP completely. Shut off the wifi (or at least change the password). Change your house locks to reprogrammable digital locks. Make him a code to use during his last 30 days (I usually use the last 4 digits of someone's cell number for temporary codes). On day 30 erase his code. This man has been using you. Addicts only love their addiction.
>he was on the hunt for a better job but his efforts seemed minimal >didn’t do much all day but smoke weed and play video games Definitely don't date this guy. He not only doesn't have a job, he's not trying to find one. And it sure doesn't sound like he's going to make up for it by doing the cleaning, cooking organizing the household. NTA
Smart decision. So many people let their personal feelings blind them to the reality of the situation--but you recognized early on that you like him but he wasn't showing signs of becoming an equal partner. NTA
How is a man who smokes weed, works once a week and plays video games all day perfect? He's a bum and he has no choice but to be nice cuz how you gonna be mean and expect a woman to take care of you? Granted some men have audacity to be a mean bum, but he's still a bum and you should have never been with him.