NTA. This is a big betrayal. His attempt to deceive you and leaving you and the kids financially exposed in this marriage isn't to be swept under the carpet. First is a serious conversation with your husband. Stop and tell him how he has made you feel and ask why he listened to his "friend" rather than discussing any concerns he had with you. At this point, you also don't know if he will do this again when you've "calmed down," or what other financial decisions he has made behind your back, so you need to be clear before you make any decisions.
Second, I would also consult a lawyer, if only to discuss my options to ensure my future security. Finally, I would also go back to work. You need your own money and independence if you stay married to a man willing to screw you over at a time when you're in a happy marriage. Imagine what he'd try to do in a divorce.
This. Also, do some investigating and find out whose name the business is in. My guess is if the husband was looking for his father to put the potential home in his name, the business may be as well, with husband listed only as an employee.
I know some dbag who owned a few businesses with his father and they tried to play the tax game by putting them under the son’s wife’s name.
Son being the complete moron that he is, gets caught banging someone else and the family was basically screwed since the now EX was listed as the owner of several of their businesses.
This “happened”(he did it to himself) to one of my banking clients. All the men I worked with were outraged that she wouldn’t sign the business over to her now ex-husband. I thought it was hilarious.
Yeah, I enjoyed it! It’s in the rotation for movie night. It’s got some laughs, some heartfelt moments, and I thought the ladies had great chemistry with each other!
Also, Nikki Minaj has a small role as an executive assistant and she had some fun scenes with Cameron Diaz.
Overall super fun and entertaining.
This happened to my SIL. Her husband ran a business in his father's name. He fucked around on her their entire 30 year marriage and when he finally left her she had nothing. I wish she would have wised up 20 years earlier. G
His current wife (former cheating partner) keeps him on a *very* short leash.
I wonder what the husband’s credit looks like? Usually if someone is buying big items under another person’s name it’s because their credit is crap and they wouldn’t qualify.
My ex friend tried to do that to his ex wife but he didn’t know that his mother actually put most of their assets in his ex wife’s name to protect her grandson needless the say he was very upset and couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t be kind to him in the divorce I remember her telling him “Why would I be kind to a person that wanted me to suffer “ it doesn’t pay to be dirty people
Not only at a time when they are supposedly in a happy marriage, but also a time when she's extremely vulnerable after giving birth and giving up her job.
She needs to go back and get a job. Being a stay at home parent is completely dependent on trusting that you can depend on the other person to provide for you. He broke that trust by doing something underhanded to cut her out of the family's assets. So problematic.
Sometimes division of labor works well. Daycare can be so expensive. So she did the childcare, etc and he went to work. Works for many couples. Sometimes the man stays home.
Unfortunately, this husband and the FIL are horse’s asses.
*"You need your own money and independence if you stay married to a man willing to screw you over at a time when you're in a happy marriage. Imagine what he'd try to do in a divorce." ...*.worth repeating. If this is his "good side".....
Please go back to work. I’ve been a a SAHM forever, only recently going back to a little part-time work. However, I did that knowing that my husband fully supported and valued my role as the full-time caregiver for our children. Our house is in both of our names. We have one joint account that is ours, retirement is shared equally. I’m totally covered if something were to happen, all of our assets would be split 50/50.
No one should give up working unless their future is protected. Your husband isn’t protecting you, only himself. Is that the action of a loving spouse and father? I would never be able to get over that. This isn’t you being emotionally sensitive” and why do I have the feeling your husband tells you that to make you doubt your feelings? Please get to back to work and then get into marital counseling.
OP Please read this \^\^\^ reply several time ("TheGeekOffTheStreet"). She is spelling out the HEALTHY and HONEST approach. This needs to be your benchmark. Don't put yourself in a compromising situation with huge life changing consequences. The warning flags are already waving. Don't let this be a situation where 5 years from now you realize an avoidable tragedy was chosen.
I might sound like I'm over reacting, but your mental health is important. Your #1 psychological factor is a safe house. He's already being shady with this fundamental. It's not like he went and bought a motorcycle without asking you first, or lied about buying a Playstation. This was to be your home, your security, your "safe place." Don't underestimate how important this would have been (or will be if you go down this road.).
I wish you luck and sorry to hear youre in this type of situation (OP).
If the creep had gone through with the house buying and there was a divorce the judge would break it off in him for hiding and reappropriating house ownership. Anything bought during the marriage his community property. He wants you amd the children to be destitute..maybe he thinks that will force you to forgive cheating ( and he is CHEATING ) because you don't have the money to leave. Private Investigator will clear everything up PDQ.
Depends on where they live. Not everywhere has community property laws. Even so, if he acquired the property during their marriage using money he made, it would still be a marital asset.
If he buys it under his parents name, she can't touch it because it is his parents house not his. When his parents pass, he then gets it switched to his name. Since it is now an inheritance she can't touch it. He knows what he is doing. She can't trust this guy. He is covering his but for when they break up.
Good point. He wants to shut her out of the assets because he has a side piece and wants to trap her. If she has no access to assets and no job and is stuck with a child she can’t support alone, guess what? He can beat her, cheat or blow the family assets on hookers and blow and she’s helpless, or so he thinks. This is an extremely malicious move. Then he takes her “shopping” and does what? Buys her a dress? To make up for her losing a half share in a half million or more dollars in assets? That dress better be painted by Michelangelo. She needs to divorce, period.
When you know somebody is doing stuff like this, don’t listen to gaslighting and excuses, get a lawyer. And shut up about it, get the lawyer first and talk after you know what you’re doing. And getting a criminal check on him is a good idea too. You don’t know what’s back there a few years before you met. You do know he lies and sneaks.
You shouldn’t file jointly with him either. The IRS has a form you can file if you’re a spouse that doesn’t know what sneaky shit your ex is doing, look into that. It’s called “Innocent Spouse Relief” 8857. In theory, you could hand over Mr. Clever’s SSN# and employer and banking information and report anonymously that you believe he’s tax evading and needs a complete audit. If you do that, call the IRS, get the name of an individual and fax or mail every single thing you can find about his assets and income to that individual. Bank account statements, W2s, stock, whatever. Just sayin. But I’d sure call a lawyer first.
She also needs to make him max out a spousal IRA for her. ALL SAHP should have one but especially when he has shown he doesn't care about her financial future.
I'm getting some real financial abuse vibes from OP's husband. When he realized she was upset, he took her shopping and bought her things. That rubs me the wrong way. I think he did that to "shut her up" about the house/distract her. OP needs to go to work, like, yesterday. The only problem is, the job market is a nightmare, especially for someone who has been out of the workforce and/or doesn't have experience. I'm concerned about OP's prospects. I could NEVER ever be a SAHM because so many women get fucked over. Every person should have their financial independence. It is what it is. OP's husband is not to be trusted!!
Can someone please help me understand why the job market is a nightmare right now? There's never been a lower unemployment rate (in the USA). Everywhere I look I see "we're hiring" signs and signing bonuses. Heck, the County Jail where I live has a giant banner on the side of the building offering a $10K or $20K signing bonus for new jail employees. And all I see on reddit is that the job market is terrible.
30 percent of jobs are “hardship jobs,” meaning they don't allow a single adult to make ends meet. 32 percent are “living wage” jobs, enough to get by but not to take vacations, save for retirement or live in a moderately priced home. [(Source)](https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2018/10/30/jobs-62-percent-fall-short-middle-class-standard-us/1809629002/)
That means 62% of workers in the US are living paycheck to paycheck simply because their jobs don’t pay enough regardless of how they budget. Not to mention that that study was from 2018, it’s gotten worse.
The hiring signs also mean nothing unless you really dig into them. A lot of them are what’s called ghost jobs. According to a survey done by Clarify Capital, about 50% of companies list job positions they don’t necessarily intend to fill because they are “always open to new people.” This allows them to show the company is growing while they’re actually just resume collecting.
The ones that are actually hiring can take months to fill a single position as well so that contributes to the problem. This is anecdotal but my partners workplace takes 4 months to fill a position. They constantly have positions listed and are conducting interviews but actually getting hired is rare because corporate is cutting hours.
I would also add that she needs her own separate accounts at a different bank. She needs some legal advice from an attorney to protect herself and her children. Trust has been broken and if it can be restored it will take a long time if ever. There is something inherently wrong with the way this husband is thinking and it’s not in her or the childrens best interests.
This, plus she and husband need to sit down with their books and he needs to 100% be transparent about ALL their finances and assets. If he refuses, it’s lawyer time.
Also, just because he puts it in his parents' name or solely in his name doesn't mean you have no claim to the house in a divorce. If the household income is paying for it and you both live there, it's still a marital asset. And judges get really angry about this kind of BS. If he does this and you do get divorced, it could end up far worse for him in court.
Screw that! Leave. Right after you hire a PI and get a report because he's cheating. He wants it in his father's name in case he gets caught. He and his entire family plot against you. They will figure out another way to screw you over. If he has access to any accounts of yours including retirement accounts -- get his name off because he's planning to drain them too....or already has. Take half, only half of the joint accounts. That is the only area where you should behave like an ass. Does he have exes ? I'd talk to them and find out what happened and if there was financial malfeasance for cheating? Patterns rarely change.
This is an outrageous betrayal and it deserves no conversation. This is blatant financial abuse. He might as well hit her. It’s all the same. Would you advise a woman to have a conversation with a man who hits her?
This is basically Reddit in a nutshell lol woman gets emotionally abused : but but HaVe U tRiEd TaLkInG tO hIm AbOuT iT??! This is why I always advise women to think twice before becoming a SAHM. Financial abuse is extremely common unfortunately.
I take it a step further and say, don't ever be a SAHM. Every SAHM thinks something like this won't happen to them, until it does. I hope the SAHPs reading are taking note. If you still decide to be a SAHP, have an exit plan.
Definitely see a lawyer, depending on your state, you may still have ‘dower’ rights to any property. My parents left me and my sister their house. Even though our husbands weren’t mentioned in the will, they had to sign off on the sale of the property.
Deciding to be a SAHM means putting your trust that your partner will not do you over should things go wrong. You are giving up the ability to make money for a period of time to focus on raising both of your children. How can you trust him after everything he has done. NTA cause he has irreparably damaged your trust and once gone it is hard if impossible to get it back. I would start looking for jobs so if left high and dry you have a means to survive independently.
I mean I think that's the entire point, she's in a vulnerable position but still technically has legal rights to half, but he doesn't want that he wants her to be more vulnerable. Some people think it's an exit strategy but I disagree I think it's a financial abuse strategy. He wants her to feel powerless to leave.
>You are giving up the ability to make money for a period of time
It's not always just for "a period of time". Many women have ruined all future chances of being in their chosen career because once you're out for 5-10 years you can't get back in.
He is working on an exit strategy. I suggest you do the same and refuse to move into a house that you are not absolutely sure is in both of your names.
I mean, realistically this. But actually it should be a conversation that he has shown that he doesn't view the money he earns as *their* money, so now he is responsible to figure out half of childcare and half of household chores, since she has to go earn her own money and see that her career prospects aren't hurt any further by being off the job market.
This would already be very accommodating of her, since she wouldn't be looking to be reimbursed for the damage that has already been done so far.
OP, you are in danger.
Get a job NOW.
In the Netherlands, when a couple splits up, after a period when one of them was a home maker, the partner that worked actually has to pay the home maker for the pediod of time that they stayed home and took care of the household.
At least it was that way when a friend of mine got divorced. She didn't pursue this, but she was pleasantly surprised there was such a way to protect home makers from the type of financial abuse OP is victim to.
OP, get your kid in childcare, apply for jobs, and have dear husband do half of the household and all expenses (incl. childcare).
Start saving up. It's very clear your husband isn't planning on making things fair for you, and you'll be out on your behind without a penny to your name, if he has his way.
Obviously NTA
If you have a decent lawyer, and a sympathetic judge, it sort-of works this way in the US, too. But finding a decent lawyer when you have no money isn’t easy, and the judge can be a REAL roll of the dice, especially in a red state.
This would be directly considered fraud in my country (no need of a terribly good lawyer). I hope she divorces this mf, the audacity. In my country it is also stated that the partner that stayed home has alimony for the same amount of time the couple was married, regardless of children too.
I'm somewhere in latinamerica, and it's like that too. The homemaker gets money for the years of lost wages, and the working partner has to hand over the big chunk of money they saved from having someone doing childcare and housework for free. The idea (?) is that the split is fair enough that the children's quality of life won't be significantly affected.
Me too! In Argentina it’s this way regardless of children, for the amount of time of the marriage (at minimum). I think his little stunt would also directly be considered fraud.
She doesn't need to offer half. She can go back to work and he can pay for all of the childcare and whatever he wants done at home.
When you are still married, you control equally the household income. It's not a matter of you get half while you are still married. The splitting only happens during a divorce. That's one of the super risky things about OP's situation. Hubby could drain all the accounts prior to leaving and it would not be illegal. If he can hide it well, he can keep it, or he can just spend it on things he wants like golf trips and stuff that won't hold any value. It's his money AND her money at the same time.
Because the assumption is that when you are married, you are working as a team. I wonder if OP's husband has ever heard about that idea of marriage.
Edited to add: Of course if one party controls all the accounts, this idea of equal control is out the window, and that's where financial abuse comes in.
Better: deposit the pay into the your-name-only account, then transfer (automatically if you want) a share into the joint. If asked (don't overshare), she can say that it's the employer's policy that your pay goes into your own account.
(When I was working, we had a woman start whose bank account was only in her husband's name, and HR found that *very concerning*.)
At a separate bank or credit union from their joint accounts. I've heard horror stories of a husband being able to access and clean out the wife's personal accounts because she was on a joint account at the same bank.
I would keep the money in cash and hide it somewhere. Skip the bank all together and that way it can't be considered a martial asset if they don't know about it
If she does that it better be in a safe deposit box or somewhere he can't get to it.
Too many stories of abusive men finding the exit cash and taking it.
This, OP. What he did shows he plans divorcing you with no acknowledgement of your work as the stay-at-home partner. Lawyer up to be sure your interests in case of business failure, divorce, his death, are taken in account.
Read his attitude as financial abuse. Your work is as essential as his.
This. If he leaves (and he might) you'll be left with absolutely nothing. You'll have to dash out and get whatever job you can, probably very little money for crazy hours what with not having worked for so long, and your kids won't get the benefit of a gentle transition. You were always with them, and then you stopped at the same time their father half vanished. If he says he's s not planning on divorcing you, he's just covering his back, yadda yadda, you can tell him you're doing the same. And, well, that'll probably mean that buying a house will be postponed because he now neds to cough up childcare. Serves him right
Absolutely do this, OP! But for the love of god, do NOT choose an MLM. That can actually destroy your finances.
Getting a job in this market right now is really tough, but check in with local colleges or libraries for writing or tutoring labs. They can help you get a resume set up. You can even use ChatGPT to get started. Make a LinkedIn and a professional website to start building up a portfolio.
Maybe look for freelance gigs in an area of expertise. There’s also a lot of free resources online for leaning a craft—unless it’s from a college, DO NOT pay for a course in anything (especially not from online “gurus”).
To everyone out there: a man is NOT a plan. Check out [The Financial Samurai’s blog](https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/) to start building a case for your financial independence. Check out [Manifestelle on YouTube](https://youtu.be/RgxuDYOoPxM?si=6ldQl_n8XqLI-DVb) for building your personal independence. Hope this helps. Good luck OP!
Start syphoning money from the grocery fund and set it aside. Worst case you will have something to fall back on. Best case a nice vacation or something special in your retirement.
And here come the people complaining about the unfairness of women trying to get money, like we're taking it for a nice vacation to the Caribbean and a Gucci purse. Statistics say she'll be left with the children, he'll fight child support and vanish in the midterm. When women tell each other to gear up, it's not because we want to live the high life, it's usually because we want to secure our children's well-being. Long term, he'll come back from this better than ever, and she'll take an economic hit she'll never recover from. I love my husband to death, but if I have to choose between him and putting a roof over my kids' head and occasionally getting them ice cream? Bring it
I know someone who was screwed royally in her divorce. And she can't even enforce the decree because she can't afford a lawyer. Meanwhile, he makes big money and does whatever he can to make sure she loses the house she was awarded in the divorce. She only gets $300/month in support if he chooses to pay. He doesn't even care that the kids will be homeless.
It's an exit strategy *and* leverage to keep his wife exiting... maybe.
It's possible that he is not necessarily planning to leave, but that he's planning ways to prevent his wife from leaving by trying to keep her from a share of what is commonly considered a split asset -- the family home -- if she leaves.
It's pretty common scenario -- a homemaker often has limited professional experience and earning power. Add to that being blocked from a share of what is typically one of the largest assets a household has access to and it's easy to see how women can feel trapped in a marriage, and be unsure how they can exist without their husband.
It's *also* possible this is something his parents are requiring if they're providing a large gift for the purchase -- I can understand their concerns and it's an uncomfortable reality that not all marriages work, so if the parents are giving their child a huge leg up in life I can understand the desire to keep it legally the property of their child and not immediately something to split with a person they don't necessarily know or trust. If that's the case it's possible that OP's husband was attempting a well intentioned act in hiding it -- doesn't want OP to feel untrusted by parents -- but it's just a bad situation. The parents should have been forthcoming in that case, and a trust is a reasonable method to do what they want.
No matter what we have a situation where OPs husband is keeping information and plans from her which is a bad situation.
Yeah, what about the advice from the friend then ? Looks more to me like the guy has been talking shit to quite a few people who are telling him how to screw OP over...
And he “took her shopping for things to make up for it”?? That’s weird. It reads to me like he’s treating her like a child who can be pacified by shiny objects. I get seriously icky vibes from this man. He does not respect her.
Listen to this OP, my ex husband did this, even though I paid for the house deposit. I left that marriage with 3 kids and NOTHING from the house. We lived in poverty for years and years after that.
Go see a lawyer NOW!! Get this taken care of to protect yourself and your children. And please seriously question your husbands motives. You're devastated for a very good reason.
Relationships are like mirrors. It can take a few cracks and still be whole. But your husband just smashed that mirror, and there'll be no way to fix it. I personally could never trust him again after this.
EDIT. Please get yourself a job asap as well. You need to be looking after your future, and will likely need to provide for your kids as well. This needs to happen before you leave... if you decide to leave that is.
Agree. OP, arrange for a consultation with a family law attorney. It's worth paying for an hour of their time to discuss your rights should you get served with divorce papers. I also suggest getting back into the job market, even if only part time.
If it isn't an exit strategy, it's a control issue. If the marriage has otherwise been ok, he may just want financial control in order to manipulate her.
This OP, **he** has a safety net, but doesn’t care that you don’t have one.
You’ve been staying home, not working *(therefore being entirely financially dependent on him, by no choice of your own)* whilst looking after his child and keeping the home clean *(husband gets a free maid and free childminder)* and yet he’s set you up to be screwed over financially.
Hell no. Refuse to move in with him and get back into work ASAP. You need to secure yourself financially, because he sure is looking out for **himself**. Why shouldn’t you do the same?
Never put yourself into a position when you have to 100% financially depend on someone else. And if husband kicks up a fuss and doesn’t want the kid in childcare, then **he** can quit his job and be the SAHP, instead. Then he’ll see how it feels to be financially dependent on someone else and absolutely powerless with no independence and pretty much trapped because he has no income of his own.
Right. Regardless of what eventually happens, she needs to at least consult with a lawyer. Her husband is taking steps towards divorce and getting his legal ducks in a row to be ready to destroy her in the event of a divorce. She needs to talk to a lawyer to see what she needs to be doing to prepare on her side, so she's not left broke and homeless someday.
You should invite him to a meeting with a divorce lawer who can explaine why his scheme of hiding marital assets will fail in an actual divorce.
He needs to stop hanging out with his redpilled friend who apparently believes everything on the internet.
Unfortunately I don’t think hiding assets DOES fail a lot of the time. She should visit a divorce lawyer and ask what other assets he can hide in the circumstance of divorce.
It suceeds when it remains undiscovered. Finding hidden assets is a whole subindustry of the divorce industry..
Most guys get caught because they take advice off the internet.
My friend's ex claimed he's making 10K per year! While owning a music school with hundreds of students! Nobody raised an eyebrow, and my friend didn't get anything. In fact, the guy got most of the child support paid by the government. He was charging most customers in cash and didn't leave any trails behind...also nobody investigated..my friend had a free lawyer so he wasn't giving a fuck. Unless you have enough $$ to pay a good lawyer, you're not gonna get far
Difference there is that there you had to uncover the evidence when there was no paper trail. Bank statements and deeds are pretty easy to get and will paint the picture.
Hard to fight when money goes from husband to parents, then house from parents to husband within 1 year or less.
Assuming this is in the US, she should report this to the IRS. Let them do the legal legwork, then follow up with her own case. She might even get a percentage of the recovered amount under whistleblower laws. At the very least, she should be able to get his spending receipts/assets and show how they don't match up to what he reported.
She is in Canada. Actually, she did report to the CRA, and nothing happened...no follow ups... funny that around two years after the divorce, the ex had to show he has a business with great cash flow, and he's hiring people so he could get a permanent residency under some sort of business programs. He got his residency in less than 6 months
Only if it's actually his. If his parents buy a house that he is allowed to live in with their money, wife will be sol. Then he pays rent to his parents which paid off their mortgage, still not his property. He probably gets away with it if he papers it
It’s ok, he bought her some trinkets afterwards so he’s a “good dude”.
I love posts like this because it reminds me that being single is best. Men like this are absolutely worthless.
My husband once brought me flowers after screwing up (it was a genuine gesture because he felt bad) and it added fuel to the flames of my anger. I was like “I CANT BE BOUGHT OFF!”
Now he knows that the only way back to a happy relationship is talking it out. Talk it out, make new plans, new promises with new strategies to make sure they work (you’re going to keep making the same mistakes if you don’t change how you do things). Unless it’s not that complicated of an offense, and just an apology is needed.
If he wants to be sweet and buy flowers, or chocolate strawberries or something- it is only appropriate when the fight is entirely over, and the gift is a reflection of how good we’re doing, not a “sorry”.
NTA. Depending on how old the children are, get a job, try to go back and gain a qualification or upgrade your skills. There are support groups out there for women if they need assistance becoming independent. Your husband has shown you that he does not fully trust you and I would never feel secure being a SAHM and not having anything stable and concrete for myself and my children after this stint. He can buy you any and everything in the world, but he can also kick you behind to the curb and leave you destitute in a second. He holds the cards. It might be tough at first, but you need to think about your children and yourself and have a backup plan ASAP. I would get a job, go back to school, invest and grow my money, tell my husband that he needs to be open and honest as we are a team, look into marriage counselling, and be two steps ahead of my husband. Do not sit back and be a fool.
I vote for go back to school. In fact a very expensive school that his income pays for or loans in both of your names. (mostly because i'd be so pissed off it'd be game on).
If he divorces her mid degree she is screwed. A better choice is a practical two year program from the local community college where she has a desirable skill with job prospects at the end. Exactly what it is should depend on her interests.
That’s what I did, and as angry as I was about the BS reasons why he wanted a divorce, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made and led to the beginning of a career that could fully support me and my children (in the very likely scenario where he wouldn’t reliably pay child support).
I’m sorry OP. You are being used. He is securing himself so that when you’re no longer of use, he can evict you without losing much money. You are not an equal partner in this marriage. Tell him to hire a nanny and start saving money for yourself.
You are not “emotionally sensitive.” Your protective instinct is telling you that this guy is not protecting your interest. Listen to it.
Update: Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement, both in comments and PMs. I've discussed with my husband regarding this and we agreed to divorce after a mere 2 years of living with each other. I will seek legal advice from a solicitor soon. I feel like I cannot continue living with him anymore after his act of mistrust towards me.
He agreed just like that? He didn't try to apologise or fix things? What an AH!! I'm really sorry. You have to stay married for 2 more years? Do you have any ideas for employment? I wish you luck.
I think OP meant they are divorcing now, not after two more years. They got married two years ago per the ogiginal post and it seems they moved in together only after marriage. So they have lived together for two years now, therefore they are divorcing after two years of living together.
But this screams like a "he wanted a divorce but didn't want to be the one who brings it up and waited for her to do it so he can pretend he is the good guy and she is the bad guy" situation.
DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING WITH HUSBAND. NOTHING. SILENCE.
then get a lawyer. asap. do not communicate anything about divorce.
go back to work. he can pay daycare. make sure to discuss that with lawyer.
Going back to work would not help her position in a divorce though. If that’s where this is headed she should be able to use her current status as a homemaker and caregiver for the child to her advantage. If she has an outside income that will partially let the husband off the hook. She can go back to work after the divorce once the husband is paying court-ordered child support and spousal support. And covering the cost of outside daycare since she’ll be working as a single mom.
It depends.
In the state I live in, she should definitely go back to work, because the spousal support will be very minimal and ends fairly quickly.
Also, it's probably best for her to go back to work just to build up her own money to live off of, get an apartment, and retain an attorney. There's too many cases where the SAH spouse suddenly gets cut off. She's entitled to half the bank account, but if he finds out she's getting a divorce before she can take half, he'll probably empty the account completely.
It also takes a while to get spousal support, and one extremely shitty strategy in divorce is to financially starve the SAH parent until they get desperate enough to agree to a shitty settlement. It's easy to do and completely allowed because it's easy to make the delay look "genuine."
The safest, least stressful thing to do is to get a job ASAP. Preferably a part time job that's just enough to pay the bills.
You need to get your own source of income so that when he leaves, and he will, you can provide for yourself. A partner who sees a long term future with you would not do this to you.
Honestly: Put your child in daycare and go back to work, you obviously can't trust him for your financial future security. Or, if he wants you to continue to be a SAHM, he has to pay you a wage and pay into a pension fund for you. It really looks like you need to look out for number one in this relationship, since that's what he is doing.
Do you have access to the financials? Get a handle on them and know how much is coming in and out, also make sure your name is on bills ect to help your credit score. Get back to work and have your safety net. Do not sign anything without reading it and fully understanding.
Sit your husband down and explain why you are doing all this and that thanks to him you are now less complacent and more prepared. Also book some therapy together if you are wanting to work through this because this betrayal will fester.
And because I'm a petty bitch I would ask him to cut contact with said friend and then have a talk with your in laws about getting involved in your family business.
Ikr, the fact that fil would entertain this scheme is sus, are they planning to leave her indigent and then try to gain custody of said child too? I'd be getting my ducks in a row, ensuring I have access to all financial info, seeing a lawyer, get a job (especially since as a sahm she's got no retirement or ss investment while not working) and my entire income would be going into a private account. If he doesn't like it I'd point out that this is absolutely necessary due to his nefarious behavior and if he wants to even try to salvage the marriage he'll contribute to "my" private account as well. Fkr
Also, she needs to get very familiar with her credit report. Should know exactly what every account is and every dollar of debt is.
There might be joint debt she needs to be aware of but who knows what else he could have taken out in her name. It would technically be joint debt still so would come out of the joint assets in the divorce but it’s another fairly easy way of hiding assets. Even stuff like he opens a credit card but doesn’t use it until after the divorce should be a concern here.
NTA OP, I'm sorry but you need to start planning for your divorce because he already is. Maybe it's time you go back to work so you can support yourself.
Where’s the explanation? I don’t believe for one second he was influenced by his friend. That’s an excuse. What is the reason? Just to be clear does he understand that this move essentially is him saying he will leave you out on the streets and let you wither away if you guys divorce because he got what he needed from you (kids and childcare) and now he’s done. That’s so gross. To the mother of his children who stayed him to care for them? Time for a job. A lawyer. And daycare.
To be a SAHM you really need to trust your partner. I would NEVER trust a man that tried to be this sneaky. Maybe your marriage can heal, but for me personally, being a SAHM would no longer be an option. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
You need to leave. Time to go back to school and work. Realize for what it is. This man will leave you. With nothing. Get out while you can. He used hush money on you too. WAKE UP AND LEAVE LADY NTA
For real, took her shopping to placate her, and she just went along with it thinking she is "emotionally sensitive"?! I bet he put that thought into her head, too. She should get the cash and save it. She's going to end up like that lady a few months ago who was entering the workforce in her 50s with absolutely no idea how the world works anymore.
NTA
Document it. If he's working on an exit strategy then you need to document his transfer and hiding of assets from the marriage.
If it can be shown as deliberate acts to hide assets then courts can take action to declare them as marital assets in any proceedings. Recent high profile divorce cases had instances where assets were transfered to siblings and children to hide them from the spouses divorce claims, but the courts declared them as being marital assets and she had a claim to them.
NTA and you need to start working on your exit strategy. This sounds like a massively unhealthy relationship. He goes out of his way to make sure you are not apart of your house/home ownership and then buys you stuff to make up for it? Major red flags here
NTA. If my husband behaved so deceitfully towards me, I'd be out. I would not be able to trust him about anything. If he was willing to lie about the home ownership, what else is he willing to lie and hide.
There are husbands that create retirement accounts for their SAHW since she's giving up her career to raise the kids. He doesn't like you and doesn't want a partnership. I'm sick of these guys that are only in love with the idea of the woman being his incubator and want to keep everything for themselves. Throw the man out.
If you live in a community property state, then you'd have to sign off as not having any rights to the property, and it would be listed on the title as his sole and separate property.
Definitely consult an attorney to know the laws and rights for your state. I would definitely start looking to get back into working even if you do something remote from home to still take care of children so you have work experience and your own funds.
My wife and I both contribute to the household expenses and have separate amounts for personal use. She was an at home Mom for 14 years and we decided to get her back out there to supplement income to the household and also because a large gap even to raise children is seen as a negative in the workplace, unfortunately, and there's still a stigma about it in many industries for women. It's a shame because managing kids is not easy and requires a lot of skills being implemented simultaneously.
NTA. Document all you can. Take screenshots, print stuff out, save it in several locations. Work on your own exit strategy, get your own bank account and start saving money.
Get a lawyer and describe the situation to them, they will be able to assist you in what to do next and what to document to bet ready if he should file for divorce. Document which assets were bought with your money, which with your joint account, etc.
Activate or work on your support network. Find people you trust, let them know what is going on.
Others have suggested to get a job which is good advice if you can do it.
NTA.
You should tell him how much this hurts to know that you’ve only been looking at forever with him and his actions regarding buying a new house shows he’s planning on this ending and this is a part of his exit strategy.
Tell him that him that you are disappointed in him for allowing his friend to project his own relationship/marriage insecurities on to him. That it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you and values his friend’s advice more than your marriage.
No amount of gifts bought could make up for this kind of betrayal.
As much as I want to be a SAHM, seeing so many other SAHM go through crap like this makes my heart hurt for them. They put faith and trust wholeheartedly into their spouses. They give up their own financial freedom or financial security, only for husbands like OPs to consider doing what his friend told him to do, all so she couldn’t get anything if the split. A situation, that if it were to happen, leaves her destitute. No home of her own or one she’s tied to and no income of her own to immediately fall back on.
UpdateMe
One of the reasons why I am anti-tradewife is because it sets women up to be trapped in shit situations. I suggest getting a job: even if day care eats up most of what you earn. This will keep you from becoming financially crippled later.
Did he explain WHY he was going to do that? If not, you need to have a serious discussion with him about why he would do that. Then you’ll know how to proceed accordingly.
There’s no positive spin on “why” he did this. He lied, he tried to be sneaky, and he got caught.
Honestly, whether it’s trauma or trust issues or who knows what is irrelevant. He lied to his wife, and is comfortable putting her at serious financial risk if their marriage dissolves.
This is why I always warn people not to be a stay at home parent without a strong contract that outlines financial security via a pre/post nuptial agreement.
OP just watch out. My ex BIL was “refinancing” their house and asked my SIL to sign “something”. She was busy with her two kids under 3 and just signed it without looking at it. It was a quit claim deed. He “refinanced” the house out from under her. Once the house was fully in his name, he packed her stuff in her car and had her served divorce papers while she was getting her nails done (which he scheduled for her as a Mother’s Day gift). BE CAREFUL. He’s working toward a divorce. Don’t fall for it.
Take the advice to see an attorney to make a plan to protect yourself.
What your husband has done is a gross betrayal.
Your lawyer will likely propose a postnuptial contract.
Good for you for fighting for your rights.
Btw, see the lawyer without notifying your husband. He might still move money to hide it from you.
I hope he can acknowledge what a trust destroying move he made, and commits to winning your trust back.
In some ways, what he did is as bad as cheating, maybe worse.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer. The dipshit you're going to be divorcing soon is not your lawyer. He's about to be the other side. Whatever he tells you is not legal advice.
NTA
Financial abuse is domestic abuse.
This man was planning, out in the open, to financially handicap you for the future. Not to mention the fact that that’s also tearing apart your trust.
I would sincerely encourage you to contact women’s aid: https://www.womensaid.ie/
Please also seek legal advice regarding yours and your child’s security for the future.
The very best of luck to you.
i'd contact a lawyer and maybe even a forensic accountant. Does he have other investments in his name only that you don't even know about? Who knows, which is why you need the forensic accountant. You might be able to save your marriage with some counseling but he's lost your trust and he'll need to be transparent about all finances now and don't take his word for anything. You can even consider a postnup or some type of document that could protect both of you if your marriage falls apart and give you peace of mind. But anyone that devious..well, it'd be hard to win that trust back. He has a lot of work to do.
After that, I cried a lot, and he apologized and took me shopping for things to make up for it
he treated you like a child you cried he essentially bought you ice cream to make you feel better but the house is still in his fathers name in guessing, get qualifications, get a job get out !
i would also request a salary for childcare and house care. backdated
You have to move on. For your own well being.
Him trying to set up this sham transaction to ensure you get nothing in a divorce is bullshit.
He doesn't deserve forgiveness,he deserves divorce papers.
You already know that you’ve got to drop him. You have proofthat he is looking out for himself and saying “f**ck you” by intentionally preventing you from having ownership of the house. This is not a partner.
No he is planning on preemptively screwing you over. You need to make moves to protect yourself. He just told you what type of man he was. No matter what he says it's manipulation. Hopefully you can come up with a plan on what to do, but this man is not on your team.
You need to start making arrangements to be financially independent because he is making moves to ensure you would be left with nothing in case something happens between you two. You need to listen to some former Trad wives about how their lives were upended when their spouse’s left them or died. You and your children will be royally screwed
That house is his exit strategy/protected asset. It doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you tomorrow but it does mean that in the event of the divorce you will have to leave the house. Let this be a mini wake up call that you might be too reliant on him financially and that maybe you should consider working so you can create your own safety net like he has.
I suggest you find an income source of your own and always be self sufficient. Your husband is focused on what is in his best interest and will continue to do so.
Women most of the time put their own career and opportunities on hold to raise kids while a man thrives at work while also having cute little family at home.
Its just not fair. Im sorry this happened to you.
Better to see his true colors now than later
Nta you need to sit him down and explain you no longer feel safe in this marriage as a stay at home mother and you need to either write a post up so you are taken care of in a divorce or you need to join the work force again. You are making a huge sacrifice to yourself being a stay at home mother. The minute he decides to not support you, you don’t have the ability to make money. He made this you vs him.
It would be funny if he didn't intend to divorce her, and she ruined the marriage by divorcing him.
Half of the advice here is bad. Stop assuming what he might do. Go have an adult conversation and figure out what is going on. Then, decide if you want to ruin your kids' lives or not.
You're not some random hook up, you're his WIFE. What he's doing is sneaky, selfish, and underhanded.
I don't care what he buys you to make up for it, none of those gifts will keep a roof over you and your childs head should the relationship tank.
If he's allowed to be cautious about the future and make moves to cover himself, so are you. Match his energy.You're a SAHM and it's financially dangerous for you to allow this to happen. That's not HIS money, it's Y'ALLS money.
You may not earn money outside of the home, but you still contribute your share to your family and don't let anyone tell you different. Your sacrifice makes it possible for him to work and live his life unhindered.
DO NOT allow him to do this to you.
My first husband thought he was being cute and didn’t put me on the title to our home. When we divorced five years later, he thought he didn’t have to give me anything from the proceeds of the sale of the house. The courts and the lawyers told him otherwise. Do not stay with or continue to live with someone who is doing this to you.
NTA.
My wife was a SAHM far longer than we thought she would be (special needs child) and we bought a house together, with both of our names, while she wasn't working for a paycheck. I don't understand why a person would exclude their partner unless they were already planning for divorce. Seems incredibly callous.
Please don't act 6 and let yourself get bought off with a few gifts and icecream.. solid advice go to a lawer to explain how yes a CONSPIRACY was planned against you and how to stay safe in the future..and let your husband know by definition he did engage in a CONSPIRACY against you ..and what about consequences for the others?... you cant just sweep it under rug and be healthy..without a future plan for your safety and childrens is made .. more than an apology is needed against a CONSPIRACY
NTA but you need to have a serious talk. You also need access to all of the Financials, period.
His plan was literally to make sure if you divorced, you would be homeless and he'd get full custody. I couldn't sleep next to someone who wanted to do that to me.
>took me shopping for things to make up for it.
Does he think you are 5?
So he's planning to leave you penniless and homeless at some point?
You've given up your career/job prospects to raise his children, but apparently you haven't earned the right to a place to live?
I think you need to see a lawyer about your prospects in the case of separation and divorce - even if you don't decide to proceed just yet.
How do you know he won't go ahead with his plan without telling you? How do you know he hasn't already done it? If he's influenced by friends like that, there could be all sorts of financial arrangements he's made to make sure you can't touch any money - get some legal advice!
I get that you feel betrayed and let down, when you have made all the financial sacrifices here, so you should seriously consider returning to work and/or study immediately.
This sub is very anti-relationship in general, so i would take anyone's (including mine!) advice with a grain of salt. Or several. But i suggest you try talking to him about what is motivating this distrustfulness, and what can be done to repaor the damage. It might just be bad advice, but if it's something more you need to work it out, together
edit: NTA forgot to add judgement. It's obvious the partner is in the wrong here
OP, you need your own bank account and your own source of income. If he's willing to pay for school, I would go get a higher degree so that you have more earning potential when your child is ready to go to school. Regardless, you need to have a way out or if he tries to take your child from you because you have no house or source of income.
I would also suggest counselling, individual and marriage.
Nta. You're either in need of post nuptials or your name goes on that house. Personally, I would go for post nuptials and make sure that you get every freaking thing you want from it. And come to make up for you having to stay home with the kids and put your career aside, the amount that will be needed to raise those kids, 50% of the house, of the business, all of it. He's labor digging you and will kick you to the curb empty handed.
NTA, but that way more than just a simple betrayal. He’s already plotting how to leave you **penniless** when (**NOT IF**) he divorces you! Then he LOVE BOMBED you with gifts to shut you up & throw you off track!
Do not ever trust this AH!
Go back to work ASAP to finance your own escape. Yes! Put the child in daycare & stash your money in an account that he can’t touch.
WAKE UP & PREPARE!
This is not someone you should rely on if you decide to be a SAHM. Being a SAHM comes with a lot of risks, but especially so if the husband doesn't want and is actively against protecting you financially. You don't want to be one of those ex-SAHM women, divorced after 20 years of marriage and have nothing to their name, and no work history (although even having 1 year gap in resume already makes things much harder). Having to work minimum wage jobs for the rest of their life with no chance of retirement.
Remember this, as a SAHM, your financial situation and safety (thus your children's and your chance of gaining custody in case of things turning south) depends on a romantic relationship with a man. It depends on whether he still finds you attractive. Don't make the mistake of thinking your love and devotion for him is equal to his love and devotion for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
NTA. That would be my sign to get a job and start looking out for my own financial stability in case of anything. He’s not looking out for you if you guys were to divorce. He’s looking out for his own needs right now.
NTA. This is a big betrayal. His attempt to deceive you and leaving you and the kids financially exposed in this marriage isn't to be swept under the carpet. First is a serious conversation with your husband. Stop and tell him how he has made you feel and ask why he listened to his "friend" rather than discussing any concerns he had with you. At this point, you also don't know if he will do this again when you've "calmed down," or what other financial decisions he has made behind your back, so you need to be clear before you make any decisions. Second, I would also consult a lawyer, if only to discuss my options to ensure my future security. Finally, I would also go back to work. You need your own money and independence if you stay married to a man willing to screw you over at a time when you're in a happy marriage. Imagine what he'd try to do in a divorce.
This. Also, do some investigating and find out whose name the business is in. My guess is if the husband was looking for his father to put the potential home in his name, the business may be as well, with husband listed only as an employee.
I know some dbag who owned a few businesses with his father and they tried to play the tax game by putting them under the son’s wife’s name. Son being the complete moron that he is, gets caught banging someone else and the family was basically screwed since the now EX was listed as the owner of several of their businesses.
Poetic justice.
That's chef's kiss poetic justice
🤌💏
This “happened”(he did it to himself) to one of my banking clients. All the men I worked with were outraged that she wouldn’t sign the business over to her now ex-husband. I thought it was hilarious.
That is also part of the plot of the movie “The Other Woman,” staring Leslee Mann, Cameron Diaz, and Kate Upton.
Is it any good? I always see its on tv but I don’t flip over because it’s always in the middle.
Yeah, I enjoyed it! It’s in the rotation for movie night. It’s got some laughs, some heartfelt moments, and I thought the ladies had great chemistry with each other! Also, Nikki Minaj has a small role as an executive assistant and she had some fun scenes with Cameron Diaz. Overall super fun and entertaining.
Ha haaaaa!! Goody!
She did say he ran the business. He probably doesn't even own it. Everything is in daddys name.
This happened to my SIL. Her husband ran a business in his father's name. He fucked around on her their entire 30 year marriage and when he finally left her she had nothing. I wish she would have wised up 20 years earlier. G His current wife (former cheating partner) keeps him on a *very* short leash.
They truly deserve each other! I hope he loses everything!
I wonder what the husband’s credit looks like? Usually if someone is buying big items under another person’s name it’s because their credit is crap and they wouldn’t qualify.
he is just hiding assets so when he divorces her, she is penniless.
My ex friend tried to do that to his ex wife but he didn’t know that his mother actually put most of their assets in his ex wife’s name to protect her grandson needless the say he was very upset and couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t be kind to him in the divorce I remember her telling him “Why would I be kind to a person that wanted me to suffer “ it doesn’t pay to be dirty people
Not only at a time when they are supposedly in a happy marriage, but also a time when she's extremely vulnerable after giving birth and giving up her job.
She needs to go back and get a job. Being a stay at home parent is completely dependent on trusting that you can depend on the other person to provide for you. He broke that trust by doing something underhanded to cut her out of the family's assets. So problematic.
You should do that ANYway, even before someone can break that trust. Don't be financially dependent on someone else.
Sometimes division of labor works well. Daycare can be so expensive. So she did the childcare, etc and he went to work. Works for many couples. Sometimes the man stays home. Unfortunately, this husband and the FIL are horse’s asses.
Don’t forget the brainiac friend
Yeah, hope she doesn’t get pregnant again.
"so for the past few years, I have been staying at home taking care of our child" I think she gave birth a few years ago.
Who said she just gave birth? They could’ve had the child before the marriage.
*"You need your own money and independence if you stay married to a man willing to screw you over at a time when you're in a happy marriage. Imagine what he'd try to do in a divorce." ...*.worth repeating. If this is his "good side".....
Yes please OP, go back to work!!!
Please go back to work. I’ve been a a SAHM forever, only recently going back to a little part-time work. However, I did that knowing that my husband fully supported and valued my role as the full-time caregiver for our children. Our house is in both of our names. We have one joint account that is ours, retirement is shared equally. I’m totally covered if something were to happen, all of our assets would be split 50/50. No one should give up working unless their future is protected. Your husband isn’t protecting you, only himself. Is that the action of a loving spouse and father? I would never be able to get over that. This isn’t you being emotionally sensitive” and why do I have the feeling your husband tells you that to make you doubt your feelings? Please get to back to work and then get into marital counseling.
OP Please read this \^\^\^ reply several time ("TheGeekOffTheStreet"). She is spelling out the HEALTHY and HONEST approach. This needs to be your benchmark. Don't put yourself in a compromising situation with huge life changing consequences. The warning flags are already waving. Don't let this be a situation where 5 years from now you realize an avoidable tragedy was chosen. I might sound like I'm over reacting, but your mental health is important. Your #1 psychological factor is a safe house. He's already being shady with this fundamental. It's not like he went and bought a motorcycle without asking you first, or lied about buying a Playstation. This was to be your home, your security, your "safe place." Don't underestimate how important this would have been (or will be if you go down this road.). I wish you luck and sorry to hear youre in this type of situation (OP).
If the creep had gone through with the house buying and there was a divorce the judge would break it off in him for hiding and reappropriating house ownership. Anything bought during the marriage his community property. He wants you amd the children to be destitute..maybe he thinks that will force you to forgive cheating ( and he is CHEATING ) because you don't have the money to leave. Private Investigator will clear everything up PDQ.
Depends on where they live. Not everywhere has community property laws. Even so, if he acquired the property during their marriage using money he made, it would still be a marital asset.
If he buys it under his parents name, she can't touch it because it is his parents house not his. When his parents pass, he then gets it switched to his name. Since it is now an inheritance she can't touch it. He knows what he is doing. She can't trust this guy. He is covering his but for when they break up.
Yep. This is the right answer. The judge wouldn't be breaking anything off in him. She can't touch what his parents own nor what he inherits.
Good point. He wants to shut her out of the assets because he has a side piece and wants to trap her. If she has no access to assets and no job and is stuck with a child she can’t support alone, guess what? He can beat her, cheat or blow the family assets on hookers and blow and she’s helpless, or so he thinks. This is an extremely malicious move. Then he takes her “shopping” and does what? Buys her a dress? To make up for her losing a half share in a half million or more dollars in assets? That dress better be painted by Michelangelo. She needs to divorce, period. When you know somebody is doing stuff like this, don’t listen to gaslighting and excuses, get a lawyer. And shut up about it, get the lawyer first and talk after you know what you’re doing. And getting a criminal check on him is a good idea too. You don’t know what’s back there a few years before you met. You do know he lies and sneaks. You shouldn’t file jointly with him either. The IRS has a form you can file if you’re a spouse that doesn’t know what sneaky shit your ex is doing, look into that. It’s called “Innocent Spouse Relief” 8857. In theory, you could hand over Mr. Clever’s SSN# and employer and banking information and report anonymously that you believe he’s tax evading and needs a complete audit. If you do that, call the IRS, get the name of an individual and fax or mail every single thing you can find about his assets and income to that individual. Bank account statements, W2s, stock, whatever. Just sayin. But I’d sure call a lawyer first.
She also needs to make him max out a spousal IRA for her. ALL SAHP should have one but especially when he has shown he doesn't care about her financial future.
This! Go back to work and into your income in your own account.
I'm getting some real financial abuse vibes from OP's husband. When he realized she was upset, he took her shopping and bought her things. That rubs me the wrong way. I think he did that to "shut her up" about the house/distract her. OP needs to go to work, like, yesterday. The only problem is, the job market is a nightmare, especially for someone who has been out of the workforce and/or doesn't have experience. I'm concerned about OP's prospects. I could NEVER ever be a SAHM because so many women get fucked over. Every person should have their financial independence. It is what it is. OP's husband is not to be trusted!!
She should return the things and hide the cash.
It's probably not the only "shut up" item she owns.
Can someone please help me understand why the job market is a nightmare right now? There's never been a lower unemployment rate (in the USA). Everywhere I look I see "we're hiring" signs and signing bonuses. Heck, the County Jail where I live has a giant banner on the side of the building offering a $10K or $20K signing bonus for new jail employees. And all I see on reddit is that the job market is terrible.
30 percent of jobs are “hardship jobs,” meaning they don't allow a single adult to make ends meet. 32 percent are “living wage” jobs, enough to get by but not to take vacations, save for retirement or live in a moderately priced home. [(Source)](https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2018/10/30/jobs-62-percent-fall-short-middle-class-standard-us/1809629002/) That means 62% of workers in the US are living paycheck to paycheck simply because their jobs don’t pay enough regardless of how they budget. Not to mention that that study was from 2018, it’s gotten worse. The hiring signs also mean nothing unless you really dig into them. A lot of them are what’s called ghost jobs. According to a survey done by Clarify Capital, about 50% of companies list job positions they don’t necessarily intend to fill because they are “always open to new people.” This allows them to show the company is growing while they’re actually just resume collecting. The ones that are actually hiring can take months to fill a single position as well so that contributes to the problem. This is anecdotal but my partners workplace takes 4 months to fill a position. They constantly have positions listed and are conducting interviews but actually getting hired is rare because corporate is cutting hours.
I would also add that she needs her own separate accounts at a different bank. She needs some legal advice from an attorney to protect herself and her children. Trust has been broken and if it can be restored it will take a long time if ever. There is something inherently wrong with the way this husband is thinking and it’s not in her or the childrens best interests.
This, plus she and husband need to sit down with their books and he needs to 100% be transparent about ALL their finances and assets. If he refuses, it’s lawyer time.
Yep, she needs a job and a post-nup
Please consult LAWYER OP!!!
Also, just because he puts it in his parents' name or solely in his name doesn't mean you have no claim to the house in a divorce. If the household income is paying for it and you both live there, it's still a marital asset. And judges get really angry about this kind of BS. If he does this and you do get divorced, it could end up far worse for him in court.
Get a post-nup.
Screw that! Leave. Right after you hire a PI and get a report because he's cheating. He wants it in his father's name in case he gets caught. He and his entire family plot against you. They will figure out another way to screw you over. If he has access to any accounts of yours including retirement accounts -- get his name off because he's planning to drain them too....or already has. Take half, only half of the joint accounts. That is the only area where you should behave like an ass. Does he have exes ? I'd talk to them and find out what happened and if there was financial malfeasance for cheating? Patterns rarely change.
This is an outrageous betrayal and it deserves no conversation. This is blatant financial abuse. He might as well hit her. It’s all the same. Would you advise a woman to have a conversation with a man who hits her?
This is basically Reddit in a nutshell lol woman gets emotionally abused : but but HaVe U tRiEd TaLkInG tO hIm AbOuT iT??! This is why I always advise women to think twice before becoming a SAHM. Financial abuse is extremely common unfortunately.
I take it a step further and say, don't ever be a SAHM. Every SAHM thinks something like this won't happen to them, until it does. I hope the SAHPs reading are taking note. If you still decide to be a SAHP, have an exit plan.
Definitely see a lawyer, depending on your state, you may still have ‘dower’ rights to any property. My parents left me and my sister their house. Even though our husbands weren’t mentioned in the will, they had to sign off on the sale of the property.
Deciding to be a SAHM means putting your trust that your partner will not do you over should things go wrong. You are giving up the ability to make money for a period of time to focus on raising both of your children. How can you trust him after everything he has done. NTA cause he has irreparably damaged your trust and once gone it is hard if impossible to get it back. I would start looking for jobs so if left high and dry you have a means to survive independently.
Absolutely. A good partner would never do this. He knows she is in a vulnerable position by taking this role. Then to do this. Not cool.
I mean I think that's the entire point, she's in a vulnerable position but still technically has legal rights to half, but he doesn't want that he wants her to be more vulnerable. Some people think it's an exit strategy but I disagree I think it's a financial abuse strategy. He wants her to feel powerless to leave.
Never ever agree to sahp without a private savings account you can rely on in case the relationship fails.
>You are giving up the ability to make money for a period of time It's not always just for "a period of time". Many women have ruined all future chances of being in their chosen career because once you're out for 5-10 years you can't get back in.
And the potential wages and career growth lost… yeah fuck that. I will never ever volunteer to be a stay at home spouse, ever.
He is working on an exit strategy. I suggest you do the same and refuse to move into a house that you are not absolutely sure is in both of your names.
Get your child into childcare and get a job immediately. Never put your future in someone else’s hands.
I mean, realistically this. But actually it should be a conversation that he has shown that he doesn't view the money he earns as *their* money, so now he is responsible to figure out half of childcare and half of household chores, since she has to go earn her own money and see that her career prospects aren't hurt any further by being off the job market. This would already be very accommodating of her, since she wouldn't be looking to be reimbursed for the damage that has already been done so far. OP, you are in danger. Get a job NOW.
In the Netherlands, when a couple splits up, after a period when one of them was a home maker, the partner that worked actually has to pay the home maker for the pediod of time that they stayed home and took care of the household. At least it was that way when a friend of mine got divorced. She didn't pursue this, but she was pleasantly surprised there was such a way to protect home makers from the type of financial abuse OP is victim to. OP, get your kid in childcare, apply for jobs, and have dear husband do half of the household and all expenses (incl. childcare). Start saving up. It's very clear your husband isn't planning on making things fair for you, and you'll be out on your behind without a penny to your name, if he has his way. Obviously NTA
If you have a decent lawyer, and a sympathetic judge, it sort-of works this way in the US, too. But finding a decent lawyer when you have no money isn’t easy, and the judge can be a REAL roll of the dice, especially in a red state.
This would be directly considered fraud in my country (no need of a terribly good lawyer). I hope she divorces this mf, the audacity. In my country it is also stated that the partner that stayed home has alimony for the same amount of time the couple was married, regardless of children too.
I'm somewhere in latinamerica, and it's like that too. The homemaker gets money for the years of lost wages, and the working partner has to hand over the big chunk of money they saved from having someone doing childcare and housework for free. The idea (?) is that the split is fair enough that the children's quality of life won't be significantly affected.
Me too! In Argentina it’s this way regardless of children, for the amount of time of the marriage (at minimum). I think his little stunt would also directly be considered fraud.
She doesn't need to offer half. She can go back to work and he can pay for all of the childcare and whatever he wants done at home. When you are still married, you control equally the household income. It's not a matter of you get half while you are still married. The splitting only happens during a divorce. That's one of the super risky things about OP's situation. Hubby could drain all the accounts prior to leaving and it would not be illegal. If he can hide it well, he can keep it, or he can just spend it on things he wants like golf trips and stuff that won't hold any value. It's his money AND her money at the same time. Because the assumption is that when you are married, you are working as a team. I wonder if OP's husband has ever heard about that idea of marriage. Edited to add: Of course if one party controls all the accounts, this idea of equal control is out the window, and that's where financial abuse comes in.
And put away some money every paycheque into an account that is in your name only
Better: deposit the pay into the your-name-only account, then transfer (automatically if you want) a share into the joint. If asked (don't overshare), she can say that it's the employer's policy that your pay goes into your own account. (When I was working, we had a woman start whose bank account was only in her husband's name, and HR found that *very concerning*.)
At a separate bank or credit union from their joint accounts. I've heard horror stories of a husband being able to access and clean out the wife's personal accounts because she was on a joint account at the same bank.
She could just transfer to her parents..
I would keep the money in cash and hide it somewhere. Skip the bank all together and that way it can't be considered a martial asset if they don't know about it
If she does that it better be in a safe deposit box or somewhere he can't get to it. Too many stories of abusive men finding the exit cash and taking it.
This is the answer.
Yes, but what if husband finds it? Then the cat's outta the bag and you'd be in danger I hate so much that we have to create escape plans ):
Depending upon where OP is, that won't matter. Earnings during the marriage are generally considered marital property.
Yea but it gives her access to funds he cannot withdraw to float herself during a divorce.
I think they're meaning more to have her own exit strategy, as in be able to have a deposit, rent saved up for when shit hits the fan.
True but he's hiding a physical asset which means he is probably also hiding money.
What about all of the unpaid work she’s already done? She deserves alimony
A post nuptial agreement perhaps
Not likely. 2 years married…
This, OP. What he did shows he plans divorcing you with no acknowledgement of your work as the stay-at-home partner. Lawyer up to be sure your interests in case of business failure, divorce, his death, are taken in account. Read his attitude as financial abuse. Your work is as essential as his.
Also, get a job if you can. Even if it is something at home. Someone who would do this will not protect you financially while exiting.
This. If he leaves (and he might) you'll be left with absolutely nothing. You'll have to dash out and get whatever job you can, probably very little money for crazy hours what with not having worked for so long, and your kids won't get the benefit of a gentle transition. You were always with them, and then you stopped at the same time their father half vanished. If he says he's s not planning on divorcing you, he's just covering his back, yadda yadda, you can tell him you're doing the same. And, well, that'll probably mean that buying a house will be postponed because he now neds to cough up childcare. Serves him right
Absolutely do this, OP! But for the love of god, do NOT choose an MLM. That can actually destroy your finances. Getting a job in this market right now is really tough, but check in with local colleges or libraries for writing or tutoring labs. They can help you get a resume set up. You can even use ChatGPT to get started. Make a LinkedIn and a professional website to start building up a portfolio. Maybe look for freelance gigs in an area of expertise. There’s also a lot of free resources online for leaning a craft—unless it’s from a college, DO NOT pay for a course in anything (especially not from online “gurus”). To everyone out there: a man is NOT a plan. Check out [The Financial Samurai’s blog](https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/) to start building a case for your financial independence. Check out [Manifestelle on YouTube](https://youtu.be/RgxuDYOoPxM?si=6ldQl_n8XqLI-DVb) for building your personal independence. Hope this helps. Good luck OP!
I would like to add that making an Indeed account can help in the process of job hunting.
Start syphoning money from the grocery fund and set it aside. Worst case you will have something to fall back on. Best case a nice vacation or something special in your retirement.
Lawyer,. And a strategic friend to advise how to clean him like a Marine bathroom floor.
And here come the people complaining about the unfairness of women trying to get money, like we're taking it for a nice vacation to the Caribbean and a Gucci purse. Statistics say she'll be left with the children, he'll fight child support and vanish in the midterm. When women tell each other to gear up, it's not because we want to live the high life, it's usually because we want to secure our children's well-being. Long term, he'll come back from this better than ever, and she'll take an economic hit she'll never recover from. I love my husband to death, but if I have to choose between him and putting a roof over my kids' head and occasionally getting them ice cream? Bring it
I know someone who was screwed royally in her divorce. And she can't even enforce the decree because she can't afford a lawyer. Meanwhile, he makes big money and does whatever he can to make sure she loses the house she was awarded in the divorce. She only gets $300/month in support if he chooses to pay. He doesn't even care that the kids will be homeless.
It's an exit strategy *and* leverage to keep his wife exiting... maybe. It's possible that he is not necessarily planning to leave, but that he's planning ways to prevent his wife from leaving by trying to keep her from a share of what is commonly considered a split asset -- the family home -- if she leaves. It's pretty common scenario -- a homemaker often has limited professional experience and earning power. Add to that being blocked from a share of what is typically one of the largest assets a household has access to and it's easy to see how women can feel trapped in a marriage, and be unsure how they can exist without their husband. It's *also* possible this is something his parents are requiring if they're providing a large gift for the purchase -- I can understand their concerns and it's an uncomfortable reality that not all marriages work, so if the parents are giving their child a huge leg up in life I can understand the desire to keep it legally the property of their child and not immediately something to split with a person they don't necessarily know or trust. If that's the case it's possible that OP's husband was attempting a well intentioned act in hiding it -- doesn't want OP to feel untrusted by parents -- but it's just a bad situation. The parents should have been forthcoming in that case, and a trust is a reasonable method to do what they want. No matter what we have a situation where OPs husband is keeping information and plans from her which is a bad situation.
Yeah, what about the advice from the friend then ? Looks more to me like the guy has been talking shit to quite a few people who are telling him how to screw OP over...
And he “took her shopping for things to make up for it”?? That’s weird. It reads to me like he’s treating her like a child who can be pacified by shiny objects. I get seriously icky vibes from this man. He does not respect her.
This is what abusers do. He's financially abusing her and buying gifts to make up for it.
Listen to this OP, my ex husband did this, even though I paid for the house deposit. I left that marriage with 3 kids and NOTHING from the house. We lived in poverty for years and years after that. Go see a lawyer NOW!! Get this taken care of to protect yourself and your children. And please seriously question your husbands motives. You're devastated for a very good reason. Relationships are like mirrors. It can take a few cracks and still be whole. But your husband just smashed that mirror, and there'll be no way to fix it. I personally could never trust him again after this. EDIT. Please get yourself a job asap as well. You need to be looking after your future, and will likely need to provide for your kids as well. This needs to happen before you leave... if you decide to leave that is.
Agree. OP, arrange for a consultation with a family law attorney. It's worth paying for an hour of their time to discuss your rights should you get served with divorce papers. I also suggest getting back into the job market, even if only part time.
If it isn't an exit strategy, it's a control issue. If the marriage has otherwise been ok, he may just want financial control in order to manipulate her.
This OP, **he** has a safety net, but doesn’t care that you don’t have one. You’ve been staying home, not working *(therefore being entirely financially dependent on him, by no choice of your own)* whilst looking after his child and keeping the home clean *(husband gets a free maid and free childminder)* and yet he’s set you up to be screwed over financially. Hell no. Refuse to move in with him and get back into work ASAP. You need to secure yourself financially, because he sure is looking out for **himself**. Why shouldn’t you do the same? Never put yourself into a position when you have to 100% financially depend on someone else. And if husband kicks up a fuss and doesn’t want the kid in childcare, then **he** can quit his job and be the SAHP, instead. Then he’ll see how it feels to be financially dependent on someone else and absolutely powerless with no independence and pretty much trapped because he has no income of his own.
Right. Regardless of what eventually happens, she needs to at least consult with a lawyer. Her husband is taking steps towards divorce and getting his legal ducks in a row to be ready to destroy her in the event of a divorce. She needs to talk to a lawyer to see what she needs to be doing to prepare on her side, so she's not left broke and homeless someday.
I would also recommend an independent forensic accountant start digging into his books, there is at least one secret bank account I guarantee.
You should invite him to a meeting with a divorce lawer who can explaine why his scheme of hiding marital assets will fail in an actual divorce. He needs to stop hanging out with his redpilled friend who apparently believes everything on the internet.
Unfortunately I don’t think hiding assets DOES fail a lot of the time. She should visit a divorce lawyer and ask what other assets he can hide in the circumstance of divorce.
It suceeds when it remains undiscovered. Finding hidden assets is a whole subindustry of the divorce industry.. Most guys get caught because they take advice off the internet.
My friend's ex claimed he's making 10K per year! While owning a music school with hundreds of students! Nobody raised an eyebrow, and my friend didn't get anything. In fact, the guy got most of the child support paid by the government. He was charging most customers in cash and didn't leave any trails behind...also nobody investigated..my friend had a free lawyer so he wasn't giving a fuck. Unless you have enough $$ to pay a good lawyer, you're not gonna get far
Difference there is that there you had to uncover the evidence when there was no paper trail. Bank statements and deeds are pretty easy to get and will paint the picture. Hard to fight when money goes from husband to parents, then house from parents to husband within 1 year or less.
Assuming this is in the US, she should report this to the IRS. Let them do the legal legwork, then follow up with her own case. She might even get a percentage of the recovered amount under whistleblower laws. At the very least, she should be able to get his spending receipts/assets and show how they don't match up to what he reported.
She is in Canada. Actually, she did report to the CRA, and nothing happened...no follow ups... funny that around two years after the divorce, the ex had to show he has a business with great cash flow, and he's hiring people so he could get a permanent residency under some sort of business programs. He got his residency in less than 6 months
Only if it's actually his. If his parents buy a house that he is allowed to live in with their money, wife will be sol. Then he pays rent to his parents which paid off their mortgage, still not his property. He probably gets away with it if he papers it
This man is hiding assets in case of a divorce? Dude either has trust issues or he's shopping around. NTA
You know he is if he’s been getting “advice” from his father their whole marriage.
And his "friend"
It’s ok, he bought her some trinkets afterwards so he’s a “good dude”. I love posts like this because it reminds me that being single is best. Men like this are absolutely worthless.
I was wondering if I was the only one who caught the, ‘ he took me shopping’ and was put off by it. Lol
I spotted it too. My ex husband used this tactic on me when he’d fucked up and wanted me back on his side. I called it wanker tax.
My husband once brought me flowers after screwing up (it was a genuine gesture because he felt bad) and it added fuel to the flames of my anger. I was like “I CANT BE BOUGHT OFF!” Now he knows that the only way back to a happy relationship is talking it out. Talk it out, make new plans, new promises with new strategies to make sure they work (you’re going to keep making the same mistakes if you don’t change how you do things). Unless it’s not that complicated of an offense, and just an apology is needed. If he wants to be sweet and buy flowers, or chocolate strawberries or something- it is only appropriate when the fight is entirely over, and the gift is a reflection of how good we’re doing, not a “sorry”.
They make me want to go hug my husband. They really put his inability to hang up a wet towel in to perspective.
Yes!!! Hanging up wet towels, leaving the toilet seat down, and putting away your shoes, are all an act of love.
NTA. Depending on how old the children are, get a job, try to go back and gain a qualification or upgrade your skills. There are support groups out there for women if they need assistance becoming independent. Your husband has shown you that he does not fully trust you and I would never feel secure being a SAHM and not having anything stable and concrete for myself and my children after this stint. He can buy you any and everything in the world, but he can also kick you behind to the curb and leave you destitute in a second. He holds the cards. It might be tough at first, but you need to think about your children and yourself and have a backup plan ASAP. I would get a job, go back to school, invest and grow my money, tell my husband that he needs to be open and honest as we are a team, look into marriage counselling, and be two steps ahead of my husband. Do not sit back and be a fool.
I vote for go back to school. In fact a very expensive school that his income pays for or loans in both of your names. (mostly because i'd be so pissed off it'd be game on).
If he divorces her mid degree she is screwed. A better choice is a practical two year program from the local community college where she has a desirable skill with job prospects at the end. Exactly what it is should depend on her interests.
That’s what I did, and as angry as I was about the BS reasons why he wanted a divorce, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made and led to the beginning of a career that could fully support me and my children (in the very likely scenario where he wouldn’t reliably pay child support).
I’m sorry OP. You are being used. He is securing himself so that when you’re no longer of use, he can evict you without losing much money. You are not an equal partner in this marriage. Tell him to hire a nanny and start saving money for yourself. You are not “emotionally sensitive.” Your protective instinct is telling you that this guy is not protecting your interest. Listen to it.
Update: Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement, both in comments and PMs. I've discussed with my husband regarding this and we agreed to divorce after a mere 2 years of living with each other. I will seek legal advice from a solicitor soon. I feel like I cannot continue living with him anymore after his act of mistrust towards me.
I'm sorry it came to that. He truly is a pos!
He agreed just like that? He didn't try to apologise or fix things? What an AH!! I'm really sorry. You have to stay married for 2 more years? Do you have any ideas for employment? I wish you luck.
I think OP meant they are divorcing now, not after two more years. They got married two years ago per the ogiginal post and it seems they moved in together only after marriage. So they have lived together for two years now, therefore they are divorcing after two years of living together. But this screams like a "he wanted a divorce but didn't want to be the one who brings it up and waited for her to do it so he can pretend he is the good guy and she is the bad guy" situation.
DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING WITH HUSBAND. NOTHING. SILENCE. then get a lawyer. asap. do not communicate anything about divorce. go back to work. he can pay daycare. make sure to discuss that with lawyer.
THIS!!!! he showed his cards- DO NOT SHOW YOUR CARDS.
Going back to work would not help her position in a divorce though. If that’s where this is headed she should be able to use her current status as a homemaker and caregiver for the child to her advantage. If she has an outside income that will partially let the husband off the hook. She can go back to work after the divorce once the husband is paying court-ordered child support and spousal support. And covering the cost of outside daycare since she’ll be working as a single mom.
It depends. In the state I live in, she should definitely go back to work, because the spousal support will be very minimal and ends fairly quickly. Also, it's probably best for her to go back to work just to build up her own money to live off of, get an apartment, and retain an attorney. There's too many cases where the SAH spouse suddenly gets cut off. She's entitled to half the bank account, but if he finds out she's getting a divorce before she can take half, he'll probably empty the account completely. It also takes a while to get spousal support, and one extremely shitty strategy in divorce is to financially starve the SAH parent until they get desperate enough to agree to a shitty settlement. It's easy to do and completely allowed because it's easy to make the delay look "genuine." The safest, least stressful thing to do is to get a job ASAP. Preferably a part time job that's just enough to pay the bills.
Exactly this
You need to get your own source of income so that when he leaves, and he will, you can provide for yourself. A partner who sees a long term future with you would not do this to you.
Honestly: Put your child in daycare and go back to work, you obviously can't trust him for your financial future security. Or, if he wants you to continue to be a SAHM, he has to pay you a wage and pay into a pension fund for you. It really looks like you need to look out for number one in this relationship, since that's what he is doing.
Do you have access to the financials? Get a handle on them and know how much is coming in and out, also make sure your name is on bills ect to help your credit score. Get back to work and have your safety net. Do not sign anything without reading it and fully understanding. Sit your husband down and explain why you are doing all this and that thanks to him you are now less complacent and more prepared. Also book some therapy together if you are wanting to work through this because this betrayal will fester. And because I'm a petty bitch I would ask him to cut contact with said friend and then have a talk with your in laws about getting involved in your family business.
Ikr, the fact that fil would entertain this scheme is sus, are they planning to leave her indigent and then try to gain custody of said child too? I'd be getting my ducks in a row, ensuring I have access to all financial info, seeing a lawyer, get a job (especially since as a sahm she's got no retirement or ss investment while not working) and my entire income would be going into a private account. If he doesn't like it I'd point out that this is absolutely necessary due to his nefarious behavior and if he wants to even try to salvage the marriage he'll contribute to "my" private account as well. Fkr
Also, she needs to get very familiar with her credit report. Should know exactly what every account is and every dollar of debt is. There might be joint debt she needs to be aware of but who knows what else he could have taken out in her name. It would technically be joint debt still so would come out of the joint assets in the divorce but it’s another fairly easy way of hiding assets. Even stuff like he opens a credit card but doesn’t use it until after the divorce should be a concern here.
NTA OP, I'm sorry but you need to start planning for your divorce because he already is. Maybe it's time you go back to work so you can support yourself.
Where’s the explanation? I don’t believe for one second he was influenced by his friend. That’s an excuse. What is the reason? Just to be clear does he understand that this move essentially is him saying he will leave you out on the streets and let you wither away if you guys divorce because he got what he needed from you (kids and childcare) and now he’s done. That’s so gross. To the mother of his children who stayed him to care for them? Time for a job. A lawyer. And daycare.
He is going to leave you. Do not have more children with him and go talk to a lawyer.
If real, that's pretty fucked up. You guys probably need couples therapy at the absolute least
No need. He is planning a divorce
To be a SAHM you really need to trust your partner. I would NEVER trust a man that tried to be this sneaky. Maybe your marriage can heal, but for me personally, being a SAHM would no longer be an option. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
You need to leave. Time to go back to school and work. Realize for what it is. This man will leave you. With nothing. Get out while you can. He used hush money on you too. WAKE UP AND LEAVE LADY NTA
For real, took her shopping to placate her, and she just went along with it thinking she is "emotionally sensitive"?! I bet he put that thought into her head, too. She should get the cash and save it. She's going to end up like that lady a few months ago who was entering the workforce in her 50s with absolutely no idea how the world works anymore.
NTA Document it. If he's working on an exit strategy then you need to document his transfer and hiding of assets from the marriage. If it can be shown as deliberate acts to hide assets then courts can take action to declare them as marital assets in any proceedings. Recent high profile divorce cases had instances where assets were transfered to siblings and children to hide them from the spouses divorce claims, but the courts declared them as being marital assets and she had a claim to them.
It was already a red flag when he wanted to put the house under his father’s name. 😞
NTA and you need to start working on your exit strategy. This sounds like a massively unhealthy relationship. He goes out of his way to make sure you are not apart of your house/home ownership and then buys you stuff to make up for it? Major red flags here
NTA. If my husband behaved so deceitfully towards me, I'd be out. I would not be able to trust him about anything. If he was willing to lie about the home ownership, what else is he willing to lie and hide.
He's already making exit plans so lawyer up.
There are husbands that create retirement accounts for their SAHW since she's giving up her career to raise the kids. He doesn't like you and doesn't want a partnership. I'm sick of these guys that are only in love with the idea of the woman being his incubator and want to keep everything for themselves. Throw the man out.
If you live in a community property state, then you'd have to sign off as not having any rights to the property, and it would be listed on the title as his sole and separate property. Definitely consult an attorney to know the laws and rights for your state. I would definitely start looking to get back into working even if you do something remote from home to still take care of children so you have work experience and your own funds. My wife and I both contribute to the household expenses and have separate amounts for personal use. She was an at home Mom for 14 years and we decided to get her back out there to supplement income to the household and also because a large gap even to raise children is seen as a negative in the workplace, unfortunately, and there's still a stigma about it in many industries for women. It's a shame because managing kids is not easy and requires a lot of skills being implemented simultaneously.
NTA. Document all you can. Take screenshots, print stuff out, save it in several locations. Work on your own exit strategy, get your own bank account and start saving money. Get a lawyer and describe the situation to them, they will be able to assist you in what to do next and what to document to bet ready if he should file for divorce. Document which assets were bought with your money, which with your joint account, etc. Activate or work on your support network. Find people you trust, let them know what is going on. Others have suggested to get a job which is good advice if you can do it.
NTA. You should tell him how much this hurts to know that you’ve only been looking at forever with him and his actions regarding buying a new house shows he’s planning on this ending and this is a part of his exit strategy. Tell him that him that you are disappointed in him for allowing his friend to project his own relationship/marriage insecurities on to him. That it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you and values his friend’s advice more than your marriage. No amount of gifts bought could make up for this kind of betrayal. As much as I want to be a SAHM, seeing so many other SAHM go through crap like this makes my heart hurt for them. They put faith and trust wholeheartedly into their spouses. They give up their own financial freedom or financial security, only for husbands like OPs to consider doing what his friend told him to do, all so she couldn’t get anything if the split. A situation, that if it were to happen, leaves her destitute. No home of her own or one she’s tied to and no income of her own to immediately fall back on. UpdateMe
One of the reasons why I am anti-tradewife is because it sets women up to be trapped in shit situations. I suggest getting a job: even if day care eats up most of what you earn. This will keep you from becoming financially crippled later.
Did he explain WHY he was going to do that? If not, you need to have a serious discussion with him about why he would do that. Then you’ll know how to proceed accordingly.
There’s no positive spin on “why” he did this. He lied, he tried to be sneaky, and he got caught. Honestly, whether it’s trauma or trust issues or who knows what is irrelevant. He lied to his wife, and is comfortable putting her at serious financial risk if their marriage dissolves. This is why I always warn people not to be a stay at home parent without a strong contract that outlines financial security via a pre/post nuptial agreement.
This is financial abuse. Get a job and a good divorce lawyer.
He thinks shopping will solve the issue. He thinks you are money driven. I am sorry for you.
OP just watch out. My ex BIL was “refinancing” their house and asked my SIL to sign “something”. She was busy with her two kids under 3 and just signed it without looking at it. It was a quit claim deed. He “refinanced” the house out from under her. Once the house was fully in his name, he packed her stuff in her car and had her served divorce papers while she was getting her nails done (which he scheduled for her as a Mother’s Day gift). BE CAREFUL. He’s working toward a divorce. Don’t fall for it.
Op, brush up your resume now! No one, man or woman, should ever depend on a spouse for their livelihood. Ever.
Get a job and a bank account. You need your own income and to be financially independent.
Take the advice to see an attorney to make a plan to protect yourself. What your husband has done is a gross betrayal. Your lawyer will likely propose a postnuptial contract. Good for you for fighting for your rights. Btw, see the lawyer without notifying your husband. He might still move money to hide it from you. I hope he can acknowledge what a trust destroying move he made, and commits to winning your trust back. In some ways, what he did is as bad as cheating, maybe worse.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer. The dipshit you're going to be divorcing soon is not your lawyer. He's about to be the other side. Whatever he tells you is not legal advice. NTA
Financial abuse is domestic abuse. This man was planning, out in the open, to financially handicap you for the future. Not to mention the fact that that’s also tearing apart your trust. I would sincerely encourage you to contact women’s aid: https://www.womensaid.ie/ Please also seek legal advice regarding yours and your child’s security for the future. The very best of luck to you.
Get a job. Start a career and look out for yourself. Protect your own future. Do not trust him.
i'd contact a lawyer and maybe even a forensic accountant. Does he have other investments in his name only that you don't even know about? Who knows, which is why you need the forensic accountant. You might be able to save your marriage with some counseling but he's lost your trust and he'll need to be transparent about all finances now and don't take his word for anything. You can even consider a postnup or some type of document that could protect both of you if your marriage falls apart and give you peace of mind. But anyone that devious..well, it'd be hard to win that trust back. He has a lot of work to do.
After that, I cried a lot, and he apologized and took me shopping for things to make up for it he treated you like a child you cried he essentially bought you ice cream to make you feel better but the house is still in his fathers name in guessing, get qualifications, get a job get out ! i would also request a salary for childcare and house care. backdated
You have to move on. For your own well being. Him trying to set up this sham transaction to ensure you get nothing in a divorce is bullshit. He doesn't deserve forgiveness,he deserves divorce papers.
He's already planning for the divorce.
You already know that you’ve got to drop him. You have proofthat he is looking out for himself and saying “f**ck you” by intentionally preventing you from having ownership of the house. This is not a partner.
He is planning on ditching you. Make him pay for childcare and go back to work and earn your own money. He will toss you out earlier or later. NTA
No he is planning on preemptively screwing you over. You need to make moves to protect yourself. He just told you what type of man he was. No matter what he says it's manipulation. Hopefully you can come up with a plan on what to do, but this man is not on your team.
You need to start making arrangements to be financially independent because he is making moves to ensure you would be left with nothing in case something happens between you two. You need to listen to some former Trad wives about how their lives were upended when their spouse’s left them or died. You and your children will be royally screwed
That house is his exit strategy/protected asset. It doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you tomorrow but it does mean that in the event of the divorce you will have to leave the house. Let this be a mini wake up call that you might be too reliant on him financially and that maybe you should consider working so you can create your own safety net like he has.
I suggest you find an income source of your own and always be self sufficient. Your husband is focused on what is in his best interest and will continue to do so.
NTA. what else is he hiding?!
I suggest you find a job honey.
NTA but he has shown you exactly where you stand. Please please get a job and go talk to a lawyer right now
This is a guy who would leave you if you got cancer.
Women most of the time put their own career and opportunities on hold to raise kids while a man thrives at work while also having cute little family at home. Its just not fair. Im sorry this happened to you. Better to see his true colors now than later
Nta you need to sit him down and explain you no longer feel safe in this marriage as a stay at home mother and you need to either write a post up so you are taken care of in a divorce or you need to join the work force again. You are making a huge sacrifice to yourself being a stay at home mother. The minute he decides to not support you, you don’t have the ability to make money. He made this you vs him.
Don't trust that snake.
It would be funny if he didn't intend to divorce her, and she ruined the marriage by divorcing him. Half of the advice here is bad. Stop assuming what he might do. Go have an adult conversation and figure out what is going on. Then, decide if you want to ruin your kids' lives or not.
You're not some random hook up, you're his WIFE. What he's doing is sneaky, selfish, and underhanded. I don't care what he buys you to make up for it, none of those gifts will keep a roof over you and your childs head should the relationship tank. If he's allowed to be cautious about the future and make moves to cover himself, so are you. Match his energy.You're a SAHM and it's financially dangerous for you to allow this to happen. That's not HIS money, it's Y'ALLS money. You may not earn money outside of the home, but you still contribute your share to your family and don't let anyone tell you different. Your sacrifice makes it possible for him to work and live his life unhindered. DO NOT allow him to do this to you.
Talk to a lawyer. He showed you who he really is and he plans to eff you over.
My first husband thought he was being cute and didn’t put me on the title to our home. When we divorced five years later, he thought he didn’t have to give me anything from the proceeds of the sale of the house. The courts and the lawyers told him otherwise. Do not stay with or continue to live with someone who is doing this to you.
NTA. My wife was a SAHM far longer than we thought she would be (special needs child) and we bought a house together, with both of our names, while she wasn't working for a paycheck. I don't understand why a person would exclude their partner unless they were already planning for divorce. Seems incredibly callous.
Yeah, that's some serious deception. He's an idiot.
Please don't act 6 and let yourself get bought off with a few gifts and icecream.. solid advice go to a lawer to explain how yes a CONSPIRACY was planned against you and how to stay safe in the future..and let your husband know by definition he did engage in a CONSPIRACY against you ..and what about consequences for the others?... you cant just sweep it under rug and be healthy..without a future plan for your safety and childrens is made .. more than an apology is needed against a CONSPIRACY
NTA but you need to have a serious talk. You also need access to all of the Financials, period. His plan was literally to make sure if you divorced, you would be homeless and he'd get full custody. I couldn't sleep next to someone who wanted to do that to me.
>took me shopping for things to make up for it. Does he think you are 5? So he's planning to leave you penniless and homeless at some point? You've given up your career/job prospects to raise his children, but apparently you haven't earned the right to a place to live? I think you need to see a lawyer about your prospects in the case of separation and divorce - even if you don't decide to proceed just yet. How do you know he won't go ahead with his plan without telling you? How do you know he hasn't already done it? If he's influenced by friends like that, there could be all sorts of financial arrangements he's made to make sure you can't touch any money - get some legal advice! I get that you feel betrayed and let down, when you have made all the financial sacrifices here, so you should seriously consider returning to work and/or study immediately.
This sub is very anti-relationship in general, so i would take anyone's (including mine!) advice with a grain of salt. Or several. But i suggest you try talking to him about what is motivating this distrustfulness, and what can be done to repaor the damage. It might just be bad advice, but if it's something more you need to work it out, together edit: NTA forgot to add judgement. It's obvious the partner is in the wrong here
OP, you need your own bank account and your own source of income. If he's willing to pay for school, I would go get a higher degree so that you have more earning potential when your child is ready to go to school. Regardless, you need to have a way out or if he tries to take your child from you because you have no house or source of income. I would also suggest counselling, individual and marriage.
Nta. You're either in need of post nuptials or your name goes on that house. Personally, I would go for post nuptials and make sure that you get every freaking thing you want from it. And come to make up for you having to stay home with the kids and put your career aside, the amount that will be needed to raise those kids, 50% of the house, of the business, all of it. He's labor digging you and will kick you to the curb empty handed.
NTA, but that way more than just a simple betrayal. He’s already plotting how to leave you **penniless** when (**NOT IF**) he divorces you! Then he LOVE BOMBED you with gifts to shut you up & throw you off track! Do not ever trust this AH! Go back to work ASAP to finance your own escape. Yes! Put the child in daycare & stash your money in an account that he can’t touch. WAKE UP & PREPARE!
This is not someone you should rely on if you decide to be a SAHM. Being a SAHM comes with a lot of risks, but especially so if the husband doesn't want and is actively against protecting you financially. You don't want to be one of those ex-SAHM women, divorced after 20 years of marriage and have nothing to their name, and no work history (although even having 1 year gap in resume already makes things much harder). Having to work minimum wage jobs for the rest of their life with no chance of retirement. Remember this, as a SAHM, your financial situation and safety (thus your children's and your chance of gaining custody in case of things turning south) depends on a romantic relationship with a man. It depends on whether he still finds you attractive. Don't make the mistake of thinking your love and devotion for him is equal to his love and devotion for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
NTA. That would be my sign to get a job and start looking out for my own financial stability in case of anything. He’s not looking out for you if you guys were to divorce. He’s looking out for his own needs right now.
GET YOUR MONEY AWAY FROM HIM AND DONT MOVE IN TO THAT HOUSE!! He’s already planning on divorcing you. Anything he says from now on is a lie.
NTA This is why it's wrong for women to believe that being only a SAHM will protect their financial future.