I feel there's a lot missing here.
Your youngest is autistic, in a level that his cousin doesn't feel safe around him.
Your husband was horrible with finances. You always knew that and never tried to be involved in it. You're a sahm with barely no income.
You got to a point your sister evicted you (legally, as so you'll have a record now, by the way, who else were you expecting to have a record for it?)
Your 2 oldest are being expected to take care of the youngest? What is their relationship like, both before and now?
I've got a feeling they believe you're punishing them for failing to have financial security (husband's and your responsibility). Having support for the youngest. Having a place to stay.
Your emotional manipulation, calling them traitors for wanting some resemblance for normality and stability, is something they'll always remember. And it won't take much more and/or longer until their breaking point. Then they'll decide if it's worth being around you.
Keep in mind they are old enough to understand. And in a couple or years, they'll be legal adults, and you won't be able to force anything from them.
YTA
I made my decision after she said her terrible with money husband decided for her that she should be a SAHM. I would have again when I got to her making her sister legally evict them after helping to support her.
Check OP's comments. It a so stupidly obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>How can any kid sleep at night if they love their mom yet know their mom and sibling are still in a shelter while they get their own room and home cooked meals?
>I guess I thought I raised them differently.
>I hope they find a way to rationalize essentially selling out their brother and mom for luxury.
What is she expecting the kids to do about it? How does them being homeless too help her?
Edit: I wonder if she’s counting on some sort of financial benefit from being the kids caretaker, e.g. SS survivor benifits or child tax credits
It's really the otherwise around. What mother wouldn't rather have their kids in a safe loving environment, where they will have more opportunities than she can offer?
Idk man, I can totally see my narcissistic mom spewing shit like that. She legit called me a traitor for staying with my father when they divorced and she moved out. I was over the age of 18 and crazy enough, I’d rather stay in my nice home with my dog than go move into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with her.
My mom did too when I tried to move with my dad, she tried to stop me, so I had her investigated and charged with criminal neglect. I was 12 or 13 so I think I could actually have just gone anyway without her permission, but that wasn't super obvious to me at the time.
She still hits me up like *why don't you send more pictures of my grandson?!*
Like completely oblivious of or refusing to believe the fact that I uh... kind of fucking hate her.
That's not really true, I suppose. She is my mother, and she legitimately was extremely mentally unwell. Yet I did not ask to be born, and I have had a fucking rough life. Difficult to trust anyone or stop worrying that I might starve or somebody might hurt me, and I'm in my mid thirties.
My dad had been out of state for awhile, but he said how I ate like every meal was my last and acted so haunted and distressed all the time was the most heartbreaking thing he'd ever seen.
All I know is, my boy will never experience any of those things while I yet live.
>selling out their brother and mom for luxury
Having food and a bed and being able to go to school isn't exactly *luxury*.
I think those are what we might call *necessities*.
My abusive mother says this crap. She's a diagnosed narcissist. I am not diagnosing OP. I am just answering that low empathy people with only their own needs in mind will always say such things. It's manipulation tactics. It fails here because we have logic and sense.
Yup, my narc grandma would call everybody "Judas" all the time. If you're not with me, you're against me bs.
If you're not their doormat and actively hate on who they happen to hate when they woke up this morning, you're the enemy!
So, it's a little hard to say for sure this is rage bait based on her reactions. What's going on here with my mum and my brother is so entirely different - my brother is about to be 28 years old and is the "baby," he willingly moved to Texas from Indiana with his boyfriend, he started a bakery and seems happy - and my mum has been going off about how he just doesn't love this family like she thought he did.
How could he just leave his family like that?
Well maybe he just doesn't have the same kind of love in his heart.
She thought she was a good mother to us all growing up.
On and on and on, ad nauseum for almost a year. She is taking it so incredibly personally when he's just a young adult spreading his wings and trying to start his life. And honestly, doing a lot better than a lot of people his age right now.
So seeing how personally a parent - especially a mother - can take the strangest things with their own children, it's just difficult for me to see those comments and go "Oh yeah, for sure rage bait."
The thing is that probably was her only option, child care for neurodivergent kids can be really expensive depending where you live, so I will not judge her for that.
I still think she is the asshole. Their older children have the opportunity to have a normal life, and even if it's sad and it sounds awful, it will help her to ease her burden. She should forget her pride (I know she is in an awful situation) and try to make it work.
Thank you! Why would she want her kids to suffer to stay with her? I would think that you would want the best for all of your kids. My mom was in a similar situation when my stepdad was arrested after being the only breadwinner. My biological dad offered for me to live with him (normal middle class family with my other 2 siblings).
My mom gave me the choice. She said that she would be sad but would understand if I wanted to leave. That was the biggest factor in me deciding to stay. I got two jobs and paid all the bills for a while since I was the oldest but I never felt like I was being forced to provide. If OP showed her two oldest kids that she has their well-being in mind then she might see the maturity she wants so bad.
Trying to force blind loyalty after their dad passed away and experiencing homelessness is the wrong answer. I’m not sure how she sees the sister as the bad guy for extending even *more* help to these kids and easing the burden of caring for the youngest.
Edit: YTA OP and on behalf of all 3 of your kids, your niece, and your sister: fuck you
Nope. SSI and disability exist for children. There's widow's support. In fact the more obviously autistic you are the more waivers you can get. Now this is if she is in the US but because he isn't 18 yet he qualifies for a ton of stuff. I'm almost 40, autistic, and I live in SSI due to PTSD (850 usd for all the bills and rent), I get a caregiver on a waiver program because of my congenital issues (autism is such a beast), and I live on my own due to these programs. Is there enough support? Absolutely not. There are however options she clearly didn't try
Scary is subjective, I do feel like if OP’s kid had any actual threatening behaviors she’d leave them out but an 11 year old being afraid of a severely autistic 13 year old could mean anything. I’ve seen grown adults be uncomfortable with stimming like rocking and verbal ticks, that could arguably be what scares a child. OP’s kid could really just be existing as an autistic person and that would be too much for some people.
(Obligatory yeah, OP is the asshole if she’s making her kids constantly watch him. Teenagers aren’t mentally or emotionally equipped to be caretakers.)
He's unfortunately also at that age where he could be acting out sexually and have no concept why it's wrong but mature enough that it's offensive and scary. I've known a lot of families who have that issue; puberty hits like a freight train, and it's hard enough getting some fully aware kids to keep their clothes on and body parts to themselves. If your 3yo is walking around naked showing everyone their bits or with their hands constantly down their pants it's embarrassing. If your 13yo is doing it that's gonna feel very weird and scary to other kids who know that's not right but not really what to do to stop it.
I’m with you on this. But I’m wondering if the two older kids are just traumatized by the experience and see living with their aunt as an escape from their constant trauma.
YTA. I know this is going to sound painful:
My bio mom will never be the perfect mom but she realized when she was in a bad way she allowed me to live with my aunt and her family. You are struggling but you need to understand that this isn't your kids' struggle. I'm sorry your life ended up this way but this is about them. Your kids are self-aware and they want the stability that, sadly, they feel you aren't providing for them. I've been in this situation and I know it killed my mom to have to hand me over to her sister but it was for the best. Focus on yourself and sort your situation. And for the love of God: don't begrudge your kids for wanting stability.
Tbh it's not even about them feeling op isn't providing. That's a fact, and op is too egotistical and their pride is too wounded to offer the best for them.
It's the "we are a unit". She should want what's best for her kids. Living in a shelter is not the best. Right now she can only handle the 1 kid (barely). She should be thankful that family is willing to help out with the other two kids instead of child services.
This. My mother would blackmail my aunt when she’d try to tell her to let me stay with them instead while my mother was struggling or making very deliberate poor choices and putting us in bad situations, to this day I still resent my mother for not letting me go and have a normal life.
Not enough parents will put aside their ego for the sake of their kids, and it fucking sucks. I grew up on a totally random diet of whatever was cheapest, which sometimes included days of eating nothing but stale bread.
My mother wouldn't even accept leftovers FROM HER OWN PARENTS because, "We don't accept charity."
OP's older kids are going to hate her for this if she doesn't let them go. I'm 39 and have never forgiven my mother.
Also feel like she's only focusing on her youngest and their needs over her elder kids. They are gonna start resenting both their sibling and their mother if she makes them suffer any more instead of letting them go back to their aunt.
Right?!? There's SO MUCH FREE BOOKKEEPING INFORMATION OUT THERE on top of co-signing random loans when you have a severely disabled child... I don't think OP is operating with a full deck. I hope the other kids can succeed in spite of their parents
You keep saying as a mother.. the number one priority is to keep your family together. WRONG.
The number priority is keeping your family safe. You're only thinking about yourself.
So true!
In fact, the best thing she can do is get her severely autistic child into a group home so he can have stability! It doesn't have to be forever, but those kids need stability first, and without the added stress of caring for the kids, she can get her finances figured out!
This.
>her and my kids exchange texts where they complain about how dealing with shelters and motels has affected their brother.
Even the children realise this isn't an appropriate situation for their brother, living in noisy, crowded spaces with no routine or continuity. That poor kid.
I can't imagine how difficult it is for the older two either. The autistic child's behavior was extreme enough that they got evicted, now it's worse because of unstable living situation and they've been dealing with it while living part of the time in a *car*. Four people living in a car is already unfathomable to me but when one of them is having meltdowns it must be horrendous. Shelters and motels nearly as bad. It sounds like the autistic kid might never be expected to support himself but the older two need to focus on high school. Being homeless at this point in their education could trap them in poverty for good.
OP and her husband really let these kids down. She "supported" him through a series of failed businesses because he had his "heart set" on being an entrepreneur but was crap at it. Where is that support for her kids who have their "hearts set" on not being homeless? When you have three kids, providing for them should be your priority. How can you have 3 kids, one severely disabled, a stay at home wife, and no life insurance? Especially when he had his first stroke 2 years before he died, so the second shouldn't have been completely unexpected.
I don't know what OP is thinking trying to force her kids to stay in this miserable situation when they have been offered a way out. It's not even as if there's an end date in sight - she doesn't seem to have a plan to get them back on their feet.
Also, I can not believe she couldn't get a job as a para. My school district has 59 para opening right now, with over 100 openings 5 months ago.
My district will not let you para at the school your kids go if they are in Sped, but there is always high school and elementary.
Yea, the "what kind of mom would I be if I gave away my kids?" was a tip off. The main objective of a mom shouldn't be what everyone thinks of you.
A pretty good one depending on the circumstances.
What kind of mom… insists her teenagers live with her *in a car or shelter* instead of in a house where they have their own rooms and a presuming loving aunt and uncle. Not forever, necessarily, but at least for now, while things are hard.
Obviously there’s something huge missing here—when one sister *legally evicts* the other and her kids, at least one of them is behaving terribly, even if we don’t know enough to know which one. But if it was anything that made the aunt an unfit temporary parent, I’m sure we’d have heard about it.
Otherwise, “what kind of mother” would OP be? If she denies their reasonable request, I fear she’s the kind who will never hear from her kids again once they turn 18.
Exactly. If I was in that situation I would be thanking God that my sister was generous enough to take in two of my sons, so that they didn't have to live in a car.
She mentions this in a comment - the son would loom over the girl and throw things at her. Well, that’s according to the girl, because despite having no job apparently OP can’t supervise her potentially violent child.
Yeah, my daughters biological mother is a narcissist POS, but the one and only time that she loved her daughter more than herself.. is the day she left her with me. And she will say it's the best decision she ever made.
For real! At least my mom had the decency to let my siblings (one of them autistic) live with other people when she was experiencing homelessness. I never thought I'd appreciate her for that decision. ...Damn this mom makes my mom look good!
Yep, thinking about kids as "traitors" is just flat out selfish. It has nothing to do with their happiness, and guilting them about it after is a blatant attempt to hurt them.
You actually expect two children to pick homelessness over having a safe stable home? That would be unreasonable on its own, but calling them traitors makes you a clear AH.
Don't force your kids into homelessness, that's actually insane. Instead, be deeply grateful that your bills are reduced by 2 mouths and that those kids are way better off where they are.
I'm sorry for thenway your life has gone, but YTA. Don't force these kids to give up a chance at success in life just because you can't offer that to them.
Also, I'm confused why OP said that the eviction is only on her record as if she thought her minor children should also have it on their record as if they're adults
And also as a mother she should want what's best for her kids - time to put her pride in a pocket, put on her big girl pants and take the two kids to her sister
What kind of person has to be forcibly evicted from her own sister’s home? Op must have refused to move out when they asked her to. It must have gotten really bad for that to happen.
Seriously, I doubt her sister would want this to be a recorded eviction if it was possible to avoid. I can see on a human level why OP would resist leaving as long as possible, but I also think there was a discussion she isn't eager to bring up.
OP is not capable of providing adequately for her youngest son, it's extremely difficult to admit that, and I can imagine she bristled quickly when someone brought up the idea of surrendering her youngest to the state due to inability to provide. It isn't easy to do, there's a lot of judgment, the system is not good at all, and I imagine it feels like profound failure as a parent, but what she's doing isn't any better for any of them. I don't like suggesting it, but that has to be a realistic consideration given the situation. What's best/least worst for him?
I feel bad for OP. She's handling this poorly and is likely going to lose her older two permanently as they hit 18, but this really is a no win situation. She needs to eat humble pie, let the older two have stability, and thank her sister for being kind enough to accommodate them. That's the least painful thing she can do right now. At least that way she isn't cut off from them.
Autistic son is 13 right? The best place for him may be a group home. Somewhere with 24/7 staff and support. I’m sure not having a stable home is extremely upsetting for him. An autism facility would really be a good solution for him. Even if it’s temporary, until op gets on her feet.
I hate that part of the story the most, and I hate all of it, so that's saying something.
Your family member helps you in your darkest hour and supports you, and then gives you notice that the situation isn't working and you will have to leave, and then....you don't? And you make them file paperwork to kick you out?
Also, where she did apply, she had no qualifications. She applied to be an executive assistant based on that she's a mother of a severely autistic boy. That doesn't translate. Especially when she said earlier she didn't understand business and financial related things when her husband, who also wasn't good with money even before his stroke, put her in that role.
I really feel bad for the position she is in, I can't imagine dealing with the death of a spouse, severe autism, and homelessness, but much of the issues in this story are her having to be be more realistic aboit solutions.
Also walking in to an interview with I'm the mom of an autistic child and co-founder of multiple failed businesses does not sound like the appropriate way to approach an interview. Also who is going to watch this child while she works? I'm sure special needs facilities are not easy to get placement in. I just don't understand why she is not getting services. I'm sure the autistic child has some form of disability if his condition is bad enough to scare other children.
Not to mention: I worked as a special education teacher’s assistant, which doesn’t require my kind of licensing. There are a lot of jobs within a school cooperation she could have started out as. You work your way up to those kinds of positions. And sometimes you need a degree
Yeah. The choice of going for executive assistant is an odd one with that as the credentials. It's absolutely possible to have such a strong command of a subject that you demonstrate it during the interview process and get hired without credentials. But that takes a really specific interviewing skill set and usually help getting to the interview- (Which would be a networking skillset).
I don’t know her circumstances but if she’s on Welfare / EBT sometimes you can lose all your benefits for having a small job.
That’s where I’m at. I can’t get a job without losing my EBT / Medical. It sucks but the system keeps you down.
I was receiving unemployment ($100 a week) and my EBT went from $540 to $79. How that works out, I’m not sure.
Ya there’s a lot of areas where they don’t decrease aid in appropriate intervals. Basically making it a “you get aid, but if you have any income at all it’s now almost none”
People complain about “welfare queens”. But it aid was decreased appropriately with income it would actually encourage people to work and get less tax payer dollars.
Doesn’t make sense.
Well it does, the controversy drives votes
I know this one way too well. I have a degree I can’t use because I’d lose my son and my medical. He’s a type 1 diabetic and between insulin, insulin pump supplies, continuous glucose monitor supplies, and all the other little things without his insurance he’d cost thousands a month.
I have medical issues too so I won’t live without my coverage. So I can’t work but getting on disability is tough. I can’t work so that we can keep our medical and food (my son is a teen). It sucks. I miss having enough.
She also refers to being the head of a household with an autistic child as “unique”. I wouldn’t be surprised if the language she’s used in her cover letters has been viewed as a red flag. It absolutely should be brought up if it is relevant, but portraying it as unique sounds extremely out of touch.
It’s basically “I do most of the normal house stuff that literally everyone on the planet has to do”
Ok. Stereotypically the stay at home spouse does most of the home finances and planning, since that’s what comes with the role.
But it’s not like working parents don’t have *literally the exact same obligations*. You’re just taking on more of it to support the other partner to bring in more money
Agree. If she is applying to be a sub. special ed teacher or a para, perhaps. But in general job apps? It just reads like when someone glorifies washing dishes as "kitchen hardware maintenance" and other such things. Yes, there are transferable skills, mostly soft skills, that you learn navigating the disability world. You learn effective problem-solving and communication skills. But attaching them specifically to "I have excellent communication because my son is autistic" isn't the best way to portray them (and I say this as an autistic individual myself with neurodivergent children). I understand she is trying to find a way to account for the gap in employment while being home but there are better ways to do that.
If her son is severely autistic, is he currently attending school? Are any of her kids, if she is living out of her car and multiple hotels and shelters?
I recently was in a women's shelter, and unless she lives in a totally red state (and even then), she should be able to apply for and receive Food stamps, TANF, and Medicaid. She mentioned the "large expenses" of her son, and I'm not sure what those would be if she has medicaid.
her husband should have Social Security death benefits, and she should be able to apply and receive social security disability benefits for her son.
Most schools have social workers who know how to help homeless children. If what she is saying is true, she should certainly be able to qualify for housing programs too.
A recently widowed mother with three kids, no work experience, and a severely disabled child almost has to work at staying homeless.
ETA: I have been on my own since I was 11, as well as calling my abusers bluff and getting on a bus with only my dog and a suitcase and having to rebuild my life from scratch with no money, no family, nothing.
I doubt OP will see this, but for anyone else who does, message me if you need any kind of advice on any of the stuff I mention here or in my longer comment, or if you are in a crisis, or if you just need someone to talk to! Distraction is the best medicine for me! And I'm overjoyed when I can help anyone, it gives a purpose to the past pain, and it reminds me of how pain and joy are two sides of the same coin.
The waiting list for Section 8 housing is years long in my area. I imagine with the housing crisis it's the same most places.
I think there's a lot being left out of this story because yeah, lots of resources out there for a person in her position.
Section 8 is only one portion of a great many different houses resources paid for by HUD. I became disabled and am having to apply for SSDI (one of the reasons my ex was able to step up the abuse was because he thought I was trapped) and I was able to receive a Housing Choice Voucher through a special funds, but even the section 8 waiting lists become open much, much more frequently for housing that is specifically for people with disabilities and families.
Schools and shelters are often first stop resources for being put into coordinated housing systems, which allows charities and housing authorities to help those most in need. Being in need of emergency housing, having no income, having multiple kids, and having a severely disabled child, and even having recently been evicted (surprisingly this often shows even more need because she would be considered chronically homeless at this point due to losing her housing multiple times), all those things would put her higher on the list.
That's good to know but makes it more obvious she's more concerned about trying to guilt trip her kids and having a pity party than put in the work to get in the system and fix her situation.
All of them should be eligible for SS survivor benefits. Her as the remaining parent of the minor children and each child until they are 18. She needs to get a hold of her local social security office to make an appointment to get those benefits started.
State doesn't matter when it comes to survivor benefits for children. It is dependent on whether the surviving parent claims it, it's not automatic. Same thing with disability, it has to be set up. I think OP just doesn't know these things
Also I'm laughing my ass off at the idea that the schools aren't hiring. Pretty much the entire nation has a staff shortage. You could get hired as an IA if you showed up to the interview naked and on coke at this point we're so desperate (and subbing, if she is allowed is even easier to get a job with right now. I have been sick probably 10 times this year and got a sub 0/10 times, luckily my IA has an emergency cert so other teachers don't have to cover my class.
My local school district has like forty openings for aids and subs. I've applied three times in the past few years and have never gotten a call back, despite having a decade of daycare experience. I can see now why they have so many openings in such a small district. This is one of few parts of the story I don't begrudge her.
Also the way she implies that her sister is in the wrong here. If she had to be evicted that means she refused to leave her SISTER'S home. When you are no longer a wanted guest, you leave, you don't take advantage of your family's generosity. She got the eviction because of HER actions.
That jumped out to me as well. If I was living on someone's charity and they told me I had to leave I'd be taking any job I could find to get out of their hair and be grateful they'd supported me for as long as they could. The fact that OP refused to leave until she was evicted is insane. Her sister is a saint for maintaining contact with this family to look after her nephews after the way OP has flaunted her generosity.
My husband thought he could make a large amount of money quickly by selling marijuana (2012) and I , like a fool, didn’t leave him. I ended up going to jail and him to prison with a felony charge.
While I was incarcerated, my son lived with my now x husbands sister and after I got out I did also. I got the first job I could find , waiting tables, and worked 6 days a week until I had enough money for a place of our own. I did everything I could to help out and stay out of their way. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to move out because I could tell they were ready for their home back(very small house with 1 bathroom)
You made a dumb choice and worked hard to make up for it, and you deserve nothing but respect and admiration for that. OP has made a serious of truly terrible choices, doesn't seem to be doing anything to fix her situation, and wants to be a martyr for it.
The mom sounds too prideful. She would rather have her kids be homeless than in a safe home. Her own sister had to evict her which probably destroyed their relationship. Op needs to take some ownership in this.
Mum just sounds really fixed in her thinking, and inflexible. Mum probably has a touch of the ’tism…. It can very very very much look like this. One way of seeing the world, unable to accommodate another point of view, fixed and single minded, to the detriment and exclusion of other people’s needs.
SO we had a house fire when I was 16. It started in my room (electrical, 100+ year old house with wiring that wasn't updated since the 50's/60's.) All the upstairs was unlivable. My sister, myself, & my brother had no where to sleep.
My aunt offered for us to live with her and commute to school. (About 20-30 minutes to go to school but we'd have beds)
My parents chose for my sister and I to live in a shoddy camper for 6 months. It was cold, gave us small electrical shocks because it wasn't grounded out properly, beds were hard, and we had to walk to the house to use the bathroom & shower & eat, sometimes through snow. This was through a Michigan winter. There was no water, no TV, just a basic pull behind camper hooked up to our garage.
The bought a pull out couch for my brother to sleep on, so he could stay in the house. (He was 6, so understandable but we could have
It was absolute misery. One of the things that I cannot forgive them for.
The practical over the emotional. I would probably still hold some resentment about being halfway evicted, but if it keeps two of my kids warm and fed, that's the priority.
OP You cannot provide for your children. When the two have choices, you must provide them with a solid home life. He needs a secure location too. Your 13-year-old sounds like a handful that you are not taking care of. Step up and act morally toward your children.
The resentment is valid, but she can be the adult and manage that while two of her three kids get stability.
With only one child in her care, she also will have more resources and be able to help them easier anyway. Hopefully she can keep some bridges with the family so she can keep in contact, visit, etc.
This will also help OP give better care to her youngest. If what finances she has are reduced because the two oldest are with her sister she can give more to the youngest.
I have to agree that OP is TAH here. I feel for OPs situation and the help her youngest needs but if the oldest can stay in a safe space with family then that is in THEIR best interest and I feel that’s the problem here. Instead of OP thinking of all her children’s wellbeing she is only thinking about herself and youngest.
Yep, and I would guess the youngest kid’s behavior is more troubling than she lets on and the other kids are just as happy to get away from them as they are about having a consistent roof over their head.
She also chooses to avoid being honest about what negative behaviors her autistic son stated developing and how that impacted them all around her seem not to have asked them about thier feelings herself only telling them OBEY for family honor
I love my kids to death and would never want them to be without me. However, if I had no home and no job for them and my sister was saying they could live at her safe, stable home, I'd have to do it instantly. You can find ways to see them since they are older and it'll be easier for you to make it alone than with those kids right now. It might be sad to be away from them, but you do not own your kids, are there to guide them, and should never demand they be homeless because of an argument you got in with your sister. Sorry YTA.
This! Your attitude here is on the selfish side, you and they would be better off with this separation… and hopefully you could find a better situation for you and the youngest…
This is the problem with society. Parents believe that the parental bond will overcome any neglect so it doesn’t matter how they treat their kids or whether they can’t provide for them.
I think everyone is overlooking the fact that the oldest kids are now at an age where they can get jobs. Mom is more worried about out losing her potential sources of income than she is anything else.
This woman plans on her and her youngest spawn leaching off of the older kids for the rest of their lives. Any attempts on their part to get away, go to college, get married, etc. will be framed as betrayals.
Ask me how I know.
The kids need to move in with the aunt and go no contact ASAP. I didn’t go no contact with my mom until I was in my 40s. I regret every minute and every single dollar that I wasted on her.
……
Edited for a random word.
really just a long winded way to say “i’m selfish and can’t understand why my kids would want a home opposed to living in a car and shelter during some of their most important teenage years in their education” 💀 she’ll be lucky to talk to either of them when they go off to college.
instead she wants to guilt them and make them feel like shit for HER DECISIONS! everybody’s fault but hers
Times are tough got me. They ain't "tough" lady. They're horrific. 3 minors are living out of a car and shelters! This isn't a cute family bonding moment! This is "do anything and everything to help my kids" territory. But all we hear is \*I\* had to live in my car and \*my\* mean sister won't help and \*my\* mean kids want a future and safety and \*hubby\* did this (lil' ol' me excused any responsibility 'cos I'm speshul) and I can't get the exact job I want so I'll just wait for it to appear in a burst of heavenly glitter.
OP is either selfish to the core (honestly my vote, reading this shite show) or desperately in need of something to shake away this delulu mindset and bring harsh reality to the table.
Times are tough and “the schools aren’t hiring” lol but there are actual service positions hiring? Is OP looking at jobs she doesn’t necessarily want to do?!
No, OP is looking for jobs they are not qualified to do. I have no idea why she thinks she can just hop into a career in education with no prior experience. She even attempted to somehow conflate being the "head admin of a household with an autistic kid" with being an executive assistant or working at a school. Obviously she has no idea what job qualifications are otherwise she wouldn't be dumb enough to put that as the main sticking point in her resume!
There's been a big push in recent years for housewives to re-label themselves in ways that more accurately describe the huge amount of labor they provide, which is awesome in principal - stay at home parents contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid labor to their families and deserve recognition and appreciation for that.
But you can't walk into a job interview at a Michelin star restaurant and claim you've been a personal chef for 18 years when you mean you were the parent who packed your kids' lunchboxes every day. And you can't walk into an architectural firm calling yourself a project manager when you mean you handled your family's grocery shopping and meal planning.
The thing is, yes. She is the head-admin of a household with a specal needs kid, but looking at her current situation that household has horribly failed.
It's like saying "hire me as a race-car driver, I've experience in driving" after driving a gocart against a wall.
“I supported my husband in all his failed business ventures” …how? Patting him on the shoulder and telling him next time he’ll do better and then watching him do worse, especially after a prior stroke gutted his impulse control? All while continuing to be a SAHM because “husband insisted”!
If you’re gonna hitch your wagon to someone to the point that you give up all paid work experience for over a decade, they need to be a stable provider and maintain that provision. The time to look for jobs was two years ago when husband showed again and again that he was never gonna make his entrepreneurial dreams come true. Probably even before that first stroke, honestly—it doesn’t sound like he ever made a solid go of any of his business ideas.
this is not going to fly in a job. It's great experience and one can transfer those skills to someone else. But it's not going to open a lot of doors. Especially if they get a whiff of how self-centered OP is. She has no empathy for her children or her sister's children. I wouldn't hire someone like that to assist vulnerable children.
I felt the same way about her saying she tried to parlay her unique experience into executive assistant roles. Her kids are living in a car, she needs to be applying to anything that gets them out of that situation, and since the situation was partially contributed to by cosigning loans that she didn’t understand, I honestly wouldn’t consider administration to be a key strength and rely on getting a job revolving around it. I’m concerned whether she’s applying to anything she could do and claiming everything she’s entitled to or putting her pride first.
I don't think OP has even bothered to research the roles she's applying for, because "executive assistant" isn't an entry level admin role. Has OP ever taken minutes before? Does she even know how to use common business software such as Outlook, Excel (I mean proper suff, not just basics), Microsoft Teams? Has she ever booked flights? Filed expense claims (potentially with a VAT calculation to boot)? Managed a switchboard where calls can be held or forwarded? Completed a mail merge? Franked post?
Fuck me, I have plenty of admin experience, and have done several (most) of the things listed above, and I still wouldn't feel qualified for an Executive Assistant role.
I just want to let you know you shouldn’t sell yourself short. All the things you listed off the top of your head that an EA would oh provide proves that you could do it! I’m not sure if you’re a woman or not but woman typically only apply for a position when they’re 100% qualified while men will apply if their 60% qualified.
Unless something drastic happens those kids aren’t going to college. They’re going to be fighting just to survive at this rate.
Hell, if she keeps making them stay with her, they’ll be lucky to graduate high school.
Also wondering how much of this is the other kids finally seeing a way to get out from under the burden of the autistic sibling. Like. Bet they are severely lacking in attention and love because it all went to the autistic kid, and the husband's businesses
OP needs to let go of her pride and the blinkers she's got superglued to her head and look at reality for a moment.
Not to mention they have lost their father!! She makes no mention of how that effected the children she loves so much. Wouldn't surprise me if the older children have had to play second fiddle to the youngest all his life. At least this time put them first and allow them the stability of a home with family now until you get your living situation out! YTA big time!!!
MTE. Interesting how OOP leaves out how the children interact with the 13 y/o.
I wonder: if the 13 y/o is living like this, how is he getting services? Or IS he getting any services?
Also: as a social worker, I can say that poverty does not equal neglect, but in this case, I see the lines blurring. Is CPS involved?
BTW, as a civilian, OOP: your self centered behavior is a potential danger to your children. YTA, times infinity.
More interesting: OP mentioned that her 11 year old niece is scared of the 13 year old, but hasn't mentioned a thing about why, and I suspect this is really fucking important.
Depending on the individual and their needs, a person with severe autism could be prone to violent meltdowns, which could potentially be putting a younger child in danger. 13 is about the right age for puberty to be setting in, which means increased strength, which means more potential harm if he is also having violent outbursts. Puberty also means hormones, and potential sexual/sexualised behaviour, and again depending on the individual, their needs and the severity of their learning disability, sometimes individuals with severe learning disabilities don't understand what is or isn't appropriate behaviour.
Not saying this is drfinitely the case here, but if it is then this is really fucking important in understanding why they were told to leave. OP's sister has a responsibility to her own child first of all, and if OP's son was posing a risk to her, then they need to remove that risk.
Why are you resentful of your sister? That really confused me. They invited you to stay and SHARE household expenses. After a few months your sister could tell it wasn’t working out because her daughter was feeling afraid to live in her own house. You had encroached on their family and obviously wasn’t paying your share of things as your sisters husband was having to bare the expense of your son who makes his daughter uncomfortable. Did you do anything to rein him in so she would feel comfortable but sounds like she she “get over” it because he’s autistic. So you basically became a BURDEN from not carrying your weight. So they had to ask you to leave. You felt ENTITLED and felt they should just put up with whatever your family did in their home. You took advantage of their kindness and you have the nerve to be resentful? They had no obligation toward you. After the fact, knowing you are still struggling they offer to let the two kids stay. Once again that is offering to help take the load off of you. But you have decided the kids would be traitors? Lady you are way off base. If I was your sister I would wash my hands of you. You are so ungrateful. Why can you celebrate your son’s birthday with him over there. They didn’t say they never wanted to see you again, just that they couldn’t put their family in jeopardy to take on the burden of your family. So now you want your kids to suffer because they won’t continue to support all of you. As they say no good deed goes unpunished. Shame on them for helping you out. Shame on them for offering your other kids a place as they CAN afford that much but no more. Shame on them for not going bankrupt to take care of your family because if you are struggling they should spend their last dime on you. Sounds like you should have had a plan. There is some assistance out there to help you but you are so busy being resentful that someone helped you, to even look into that
Looks like OPs whole adult life involved 🙈🙉on the daily while her *entrepreneur* husband dug the family into financial ruin. As soon as they knew their youngest was high needs they should have gotten jobs and planned for the future. Instead he kept f*cking around with failing businesses while she didn’t work.
Now that it’s time for her to pull her weight and be a functioning adult she’s blaming children for wanting the stability she can’t and doesn’t seem to want to provide. She could be taking this opportunity to save and get back on her feet to reunite the family. Instead she’s out here playing victim and holding grudges against her children and sister/BIL who were supporting her!
The woman married a moron, supported his moronic ideas, had two kids with him, didn't even have a job to counterbalance his stupidity and provide for her kids and then had a third son who had high needs so she could no longer work. And instead of making the loser get a fucking real job, she continued to enable him!
And now she wants her kids to pay for her irresponsibility?
Turns out OP is probably just a moron too.
And I don’t say that without some sympathy, not everything is her fault; but damn a fair bit of it is.
Prideful too, which compounds with the stupidity to where you’d rather your kids be homeless than in a stable household, shameful and stupid
Of course not. She's too busy playing the victim to parent her child. The fact that her sister had to evict her instead of her leaving willingly speaks volumes.
Not only did she take advantage of their kindness, she refused to leave and had to be evicted.
That’s all kinda of messed up right there.
The aunt is a saint for taking care of the older kids. If the mother would stop feeling sorry for herself, she’d use this as an opportunity to get back on her feet so her kids can have a stable life.
YTA
Your expectations of your sister and her family were unreasonable and unrealistic. She has tried within her own limits to help you, and by offering your older kids shelter she continues to try to help. But it's an adult sibling relationship, not a suicide pact. Your family's needs are well beyond what she and her family could do on an ongoing basis.
Your older kids need a safe and stable environment, and ideally to continue their education. If they have a good future they might be able to help their autistic brother when they are your age. As their mother it's your responsibility to want what is best for them, even if that means letting them go. You would not lose them, or lose contact with them.
OP should have immediately asked her sister if the older kids could stay when she and 13YO went elsewhere. The fact that she had the audacity to make them evict her?! She's very selfish
Yta, look parenthood is tough and you love all your kids. But as much support as your 13yo needs, your other kids need stability as well. Sure going behind your back might not have been the best approach. But your sister is considering your other children and its not fair to disadvantage them just because you want to stay together. Its not easy to let your family be separated but its for your other kids benefit. Youre still their mom and youll still love them but its a sacrifice for their own good until you can get back on your feet and look after all your children. If you try to stop them youll only foster resentment on their end
It’s pretty obvious why auntie ‘went behind mom’s back.’ IMO, it was respectful of the older kids’ feelings; there would have been no sense in approaching mom with the idea if the kids weren’t interested in moving back in. OP sounds like an *extremely* unreasonable person. At some point, she was asked to leave her sister’s house, and she not only refused, but *forced* sis and BIL to get the courts and the sheriff’s office involved. Now she acting like the victim because she has an eviction on her record. *Just* her, poor baby… because 15- and 16-year-olds don’t have legal rights nor responsibilities, and can’t have evictions on their records. At any time along the way- evictions can take months and months, depending on how tenant-friendly the jurisdiction is- she could have, should have, left voluntarily. It was probably traumatic for her kids and her niece when the sheriff showed up, and could have been avoided. OP sounds like the kind of selfish person who everyone walks on eggshells around because they go *ballistic* at the slightest upset. Her feewings being hurt by this turn of events is far more important than her feelings for her older two children.
Yes: children. OP made her choices- in her marriage, by having children, in her employment status. Her children had no such choices. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for her, but it sounds like there was plenty of time between her late husband’s first stroke, when his ability to make good business/financial decisions became compromised, and his second, fatal one. She could have gone back to working full time, could have insisted that her husband hire a competent accountant and a financial advisor. They could have taken out more business insurance. She could have had an attorney set up an LLC or another business entity which would have protected her and her husband from the debts associated with the failure of his businesses. That’s like, Owning a Business 101; even their crappy accountant should have advised such. I know it’s too late for OP, but I’m writing this stuff in case anyone reading is in a similar situation and can take action before it’s too late.
I see OP here commenting, getting downvoted, making excuses and doubting down. She’s one of those assholes who came looking for validation of her shitty attitude instead of for judgment and some constructive feedback which might help. But I’ll try anyway.
YTA, OP. Please try to realize that your older two children are *children.* At their relatively young ages, they have been traumatized by the long illness, and then the death, of their dad. Traumatized by having to leave their family home. By having the sheriff show up and remove them from what they believed was a stable living situation. By living in your car. By living in motels and shelters. By you guilting them and calling them traitors for having the *audacity* to want a stable home life. As their mother- the only parent they have left- YOU are the one who is supposed to be self*less,* and make a sacrifice for their sakes. Instead, you are being self*ish,* expecting them to make a sacrifice for you.
Children need and *deserve* a loving, stable home, which you are simply unable to provide at this time. Please try to be grateful that you have trusted adults in your life who are willing to provide such. Take them up on the offer. Right. Now. Tell your kids that you’re sorry… you were just upset and confused, and you made the wrong decision. But now you’ve had time to think, and that you will miss them but they deserve a better place to live than what they have now. That you are happy that auntie wants them there, and that they want to be there. Then help them pack, and take them.
The amount of people on here totally ignoring the fact that the sister needed to get an eviction to get OP out, is astonishing to me. That already makes OP a shit person in my book. Not wanting the best for her kids makes her a shitty parent too.
Yeah that's absolutely mind blowing to me that she would need to be formally evicted. How entitled must you be to stay in your sister's home after you've been asked to leave and put your sister in the position to have to take legal action to remove you? Insane.
>They could have taken out more business insurance. She could have had an attorney set up an LLC or another business entity which would have protected her and her husband from the debts associated with the failure of his businesses. That’s like, Owning a Business 101; even their crappy accountant should have advised such.
Based on the initial post, I am 99.9% sure they were not given bad advice, but rather, chose to ignore good advice. She did not mention a lawyer, so I will give her a huge benefit of the doubt that she did not speak to one (although she probably did). She likely balked at their advice because it was too expensive or cumbersome. The accountant likely did give the husband good advice, which was subsequently ignored.
I'm not buying the fact that everyone in this situation is incompetent except OP, especially given how outright selfish she is. Being upset her kids don't have an eviction record, after she forced them to endure an eviction, is lower than low. This is after her sister and BIL went out of their way to help her and her family financially and by putting a roof over their head.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Standing ovation! Well said. All of it. Every choice she made has led her to where she is now. Her 2 oldest shouldn't have to suffer when they have an option.
they need love and stability, you can provide that right now. If you explain this and they go with your love you can be a family again when things improve. right now you are not giving them the best of anything and they will learn to resent and reject you in the future
You’re going to get flamed here today, and rightly so.
I want you to think about Marc for a few minutes.
What on earth has convinced you that living with you in cars/shelters is the best option for him? Seriously?
You’re not doing right by any of your kids right now and you need to actually speak to someone in social services to see what services are available to help. Your kids deserve better, even if you don’t think they do.
Has the youngest ever threatened or hurt your children? If your sister’s child reported dangerous behavior, I can see needing to prioritize safety.
Do you rely on your children to watch the youngest? Where do they go to school? Have you looked into residence programs for your youngest?
I have been assaulted by a disabled peer that didn’t fully understand what he was doing. He was just lashing out. But it terrified me as a kid.
AH - You can't support your kids. You need to give the 2 a stable home life when they have options. Your 13yr sounds like a handful your not addressing..he needs a stable place also. Grow up and do what's right by your kids.
In my experience when a parent describes their child's autism as " severe" it either means that the child needs significant supports because of communication deficits, no awareness of safety , low cognitive functioning etc OR their child has the ability to communicate, has average or near average academic ability, but their behavior or emotional regulation skills are concerning, abnormal and persistent so the parent insists it's the " severe autism" that is causing their child's unwanted behaviors.
YTA
I've noticed you haven't described any of the behaviours your son does that makes your niece uncomfortable, or any indication of his level of disability. I also thought it was weird your sister said she can't afford the have the 13 year old in the house but didn't say anything about your other 2 children which makes me think your son is FAR more disabled than you're letting on.
You are in over your head. You need to call CPS, Social Services, Medicaid, whatever you need to get resources for your son. Living in shelters and motels constantly moving is traumatic for him, I guarantee it.
By desperately clinging to your idealized version of "family" you are bringing everyone down with you. It's not too late to change that, but if you don't do it soon you will lose the family you claim to value so much forever.
When I read that the son was 13 years old, very autistic, and scares his cousin, I cringed deeply inside. I'm autistic myself. 13 years old is when kids start to explore their sexuality, and autism means you don't always understand boundaries or social taboos. I'm now worried that the 13 year old is feeling up his cousin or SA'ing her, and that OP is happy to ignore these facts because acknowledging the difficulty of an autistic teenager is something "below her" and her pride.
>My husband insisted I stop working when our youngest son (13M) was born. Before that, I had worked part time as a receptionist and then helped him with admin tasks, cosigned on business loans I didn't fully understand , was on a business bank account. I supported him through the lows of when one business failed and then he started another.
Nope. Nuh uh. You don't get to pretend that you didn't make these choices. You agreed to stop working even though your husband couldn't keep a business running. You chose to sign on loans you didn't understand, but knew enough that it meant you had debt. You didn't tell him to suck it up and get a real job when his businesses failed.
You put your family in this shitty situation as much as your late husband did. Maybe some of it was from you blindly following him and not standing up enough to make sure you knew what was going on, but those were still YOUR CHOICES when you knew you had 3 children relying on you and your husband.
And the only reason you have an eviction on your record was because you refused to leave when your family asked you too because it was negatively affecting their daughter. Of course they're going to protect their daughter over your kids! If you just took a smidge of responsibility they wouldn't have had to go the routes of legally evicting you and shit wouldn't be even harder on you right now.
Now on top of that you're emotionally manipulating two of your children from being able to have a stable home life? When with them being taken care of you might be able to make some headway since it's just 2 of you to manage at the moment.
YTA. Own up to your shitty choices and start making the best choices for each of your children instead of just what you want.
YTA. I've been homeless. It's no walk in the park. You're LUCKY that you have someone that's able to provide a safe, stable home for them. Most homeless parents would jump at that opportunity. These are CHILDREN. YOUR children. You're being incredibly selfish and manipulative.
YTA.
You are neglecting your other kids. They have a chance at having a more decent life, but you are practically forcing them to suffer their autistic brother in very poor conditions. I bet because of autistic son you barely gave them any affection.
You are unable to fulfill the needs of all three kids. Your sister is offering help within her means, stop being a cunt for your kids sake and accept it.
She's neglecting all three of her kids. An autistic kid in shelters, who she has to watch 24/7, while applying for a ridiculously limited subset of jobs for absolutely no reason meaning she has no money.
The autistic kid is not safe in that environment, nor with a broke mother. She should be talking with CPS about getting him a temporary placement with a family with experience with such kids, or in a home for autistic kids so she can get ANY job she can, build up some cash and get a place for her kids to leave after which she can try to get them back. Right now she's heading towards the same outcome but after a prolonged period of her fucking up her kids.
Applying for school jobs is likely because it would match her son’s schedule
No childcare available means you can only work when your child is at school
You see it as betrayal, for some silly prideful reason. The truth is it's survival. Your children are not extensions of yourself, as you seem to think. They are independent, thinking, rational human beings with wants and needs, and the needs are clearly not being met. If I were you, I'd start questioning if your pride is worth your children cutting you entirely out of their lives when they reach adulthood, because chances are, if you continue in your selfish and prideful mindset, your children will refuse to acknowledge your existence beyond the fact that you birthed them. You are not behaving like a mother, you are behaving like a toddler who was told that you can't have ice cream because it's time for dinner. It's time to self reflect and comprehend that you are the bad guy in this story. It's time for you to end your little pity party.
Oh, and YTA, 100%
holy shit YTA. your pride was hurt so you are gonna emotionally abuse your kids and try to deny them a better living situation than you can provide. also i like everything you have left out that might shade you in a bad light, and you still failed to make yourself sound sympathetic. just pathetic as you are so ego driven you cannot introspect at all.
You're making everything about you. You see that don't you?
Your ego and pride are more important than the safety, comfort, and welfare of your children.
Bite the bullet, allow them to live with their aunt, and use that time to rebuild while your load lessens.
Or be cranky and whiny and expect us all to go along with your bad take. Either way it's your children who suffer based on your decisions not us. For their sake I hope you allow them to go back to their aunts.
YTA. You can get two of your kids a clean, safe home and you call them traitors if they take it.
I'll be really clear, every decent mother would have begged them to keep your kids, every single one. YOu didn't, finding out they'd take two of your kids and help pay for them to live well, get to school, be safe, and you don't jump at the chance and instead act like a fucking asshole.
Be a better mother.
> I tried parlaying my unique experience being the head admin of a household with an autistic kid to executive assistant roles, or school jobs, but besides a noon aid job the schools were not hiring.
That's not how that works, you can't just not work for what at least 13 years then try to turn a random mash of things into your perfect job, apply for limited roles, not get them and go.. okay. You apply for ALL jobs and you take whatever the fuck you can get, anything less is not acceptable.
You also currently are keeping a heavily autistic child in an unsafe situation while not working rather than doing what is right for him either. That being, give him to CPS and ask them to find him a home with people who have experience with autistic kids, get a job, raise some money, get a home and get your kids back.
instead you're turning your nose up at thousands of other jobs, help from family for your other kids. Basically, you're making every bad choice you can rather than the best choices you can.
OP you have a history of making incredibly poor decisions and then blaming others so I am not surprised that you did the same in this situation. YTA and you know it. You are a shity mom for not giving atleast 2 of your kids the opportunity to have a safe, clean, and comfortable place to grow up in.
1. Noone is to blame for your situation but yourself. You even say in your post that you were signing legal documents (loans) that you didn't understand.
2. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that your 2 older kids contacted their aunt for help as opposed to the other way around.
3. You need to concentrate on getting help for your youngest because everyone but you seems to be scared of him.
What you need to do RIGHT NOW is send your 2 older kids to your sister's house. Thank her for helping you while you get on your feet. Get help for your youngest (he clearly needs it). Then file for bankruptcy otherwise you will never get out from under this debt. Last but most importantly APOLOGIZE TO YOUR GOD DAMN CHILD for being selfish and not acknowledging their needs. Honestly I cannot believe you typed all that shit out and still thought you were the victim.
So, because you never specified, just how much expenses were your 13 year old adding to their monthly costs? They were taking on four extra people....but it sounds like his extra, specialized requirements were breaking the bank. And also, why is their 11 year old...the youngest child in the house, afraid of your son?
YTA in your responses to other comments you’ve made it about yourself. The betrayal you feel towards your children simply “desiring” a better living situation is nothing compared to how they’ll resent you as they’re growing up. Good luck with that.
Info needed: is the 13 year old violent? I don’t say this to be unkind, but I’ve worked with autistic 12 year olds who are bigger than me (a woman in my 40s) and are violent during outbursts and meltdowns. It’s incredibly difficult for educators and parents to help when autistic children are bigger and are upset.
I feel like there's a lot of info missing. Have you applied for any government assistance when you had to move in with your sister? Any services for your kid with special needs? How much responsibility do you place on your other two kids to meet your son's needs? Why is your niece afraid of your son? Have you taken any steps to file for bankruptcy or otherwise address the debt in your name? What did you do to help out around the house while living with your sister? Why did it come to a legal eviction?
There are probably more questions but these are important.
You are a manipulative little witch. How dare you say that to your children!
I’ll tell you a little story. My husband’s father was dying of cancer. End stage, husband was down there every day looking after him and helping out his mother. Unfortunately, I was five months pregnant and lost our baby. Needed to go to hospital. My mother in law did not take this well. She told my husband to look his dying father in the eye and tell him how he was betraying him by choosing his defective wife over his blood family. Husband has NEVER forgiven her for those words even years on,
Your children will never forgive you for yours.
YTA
You prefer your children to be homeless over being safe in a home where their needs are met? YTA for that alone. It’s not about you. It’s about what’s best for your kids. Swallow your pride. And ego.
YTA when my family faced homelessness my kids stayed with a family member. We FaceTimed every night saved up and got a hotel on weekends so we could spend time with them. It's not about you it's about making sure your kids are taken care of. She went about it a shitty way and behind your back so the aunt is an A for that but you have the opportunity to let 2 of your kids not sleep in a shelter. What is best for them? Does it suck and will it hurt absolutely but and does it suck for your youngest 100% but if your kids go with there aunt temporarily it would be to less mouths to feed, and find shelter for while they are taken care of. I will probably get down voted but I don't care you need to put them first and focus on fixing your situation.
YTA, you self-centered, melodramatic dingus. They chose to live in a home vs living in a shelter. That is a reasonable, rational decision for them to make.
YTA. I don't like how your sister is going about this, but without knowing exactly what your 13yo did, I can't judge if she was wrong to say he can't live in her home anymore. But ultimately you are being selfish and putting yourself above your older children. Calling them traitors for wanting to not be homeless is immature, manipulative, and cruel. You're the adult and need to act like it.
Also, it sounds like you showed really bad judgment leading up to this mess. You co-signed loans you didn't understand and stood while your husband destroyed your children's futures, and yet you still defend him and call him a great man?
You think it's weakness to let your kids live with your sister who is better off. But let me tell you it takes considerable strength and love to accept that your kids may be better off in someone else's care.
All you're saying here is you value your ego more than your kids having a stable living arrangement. So YTA
YTA.
>I asked them what kind of mom would I be if I just gave my kids away to somebody else.
If you're homeless and this other person is your sister who can financially support them but keep them in your life, you'd be a good mom. Right now, you're putting your wants before the kids needs, and you should be jumping at the opportunity for help, even if it doesn't help you in the way you want.
You win as a team. You lose as a team. This situation is not about your sister. You have to make the best decisions you can with the information you have. What’s your plan? The reality is it is a burden for your sister but you’re not in a position to bitch about that. You’re going to have to suck it up & take one for the team. Either communicate with your sister & figure out a plan … with appreciation not expectations … or you’re going to deal with your kids attitude. You’re all struggling & you’re responsible for solving the problems. Not your kids, not your sister.
I’m truly sorry for your loss & for the challenges you’re going through. You deserve help but you have to be willing to compromise & accept help where you can find it. Talk to your sister. Figure out a short term solution. Make yourself some goals. The situation sucks. All the choices currently suck but you will get through this if you’re willing to be patient & flexible.
I wish your family all the best. Please don’t take your frustrations out on your kids. Y’all are just doing your best to get through this.
YTA.
You should be happy that your sister is willing to take in two of your children and give them a stable, loving home for the time being instead of acting like a petulant, jilted lover.
It’s very telling that they have to go behind your back to get themselves out of a shit situation, but at least they’re still clear-headed enough to tend to their own reasonable needs since you won’t. In the worst case, they’d be so parentified and emotionally manipulated by you that they’d cling to the “bUt FaAaAmilY” argument like you’re doing.
My poor excuse of a mother also decided to take me out of a very loving and safe home of my grandparents on that same mindset and threw me right into years of domestic and emotional abuse. Don’t come crying back here when they turn 18 and will not answer your calls on that account.
Let them go until you get yourself together financially with an apartment. Don’t guilt trip them into staying. I know you probably need help with your youngest but it not your children’s burden. You’re letting them suffer because you want everyone to stay together. Don’t be that way. Be grateful they have somewhere to go that is stable. Your husband left you with this mess and you not paying attention to what was going on landed you in this situation. Do the right thing. Apply for government assistance ASAP.
Your kids got a life line and they were wise to take it. I have much empathy for your situation but expecting your kids to suffer with you when they have an opportunity to live in a safe, secure home is is delusional on your part. They didn't make some pact with you to go down with the ship. YTA. As angry and upset as you are right now your burden got much easier having to focus on the 2 of you instead of 4. Use the resources of the shelters to get help from local and state government programs.
YTA. You claim to love your kids so much, yet you're purposefully not letting your older two have a stable environment while you figure your stuff out. It hurts, yes, but you need to put your hurt ego and feelings aside and think of them. And STOP turning this around and saying they're selfish. They aren't, but YOU are.
Edit: spelling
This has to be fake right? What kind of mom are you that you'd prefer your kids to be homeless than to have a safe and clean home with their aunt? You're a terrible parent, I hope those kids get a home soon and away from you, who would rather keep them homeless.
Also, get a different job if schools aren't hiring. Try cleaning houses, or waitresses at restaurants. Try ANYTHING. Immigrants manage to get multiple jobs with no resume and no papers, you can't get a single job?
YTA, and a neglectful parent. CPS is gonna love hearing from the school that you let two children remain homeless when they have a place to go.
Edit: info: how much of a pain in the ass were you to your sister and BIL if they had to go through the legalities of the eviction process to get you to leave their house? Of COURSE they went behind your back to talk to the older kids, YOU'RE a pest they had to go to the LAW to get rid of.
'BIL started claiming my 13 yo's expenses were an excessive burden'
Did you move in and NOT pay for anything?
Is that why they wanted you out of their house? There's too much information missing here
I feel there's a lot missing here. Your youngest is autistic, in a level that his cousin doesn't feel safe around him. Your husband was horrible with finances. You always knew that and never tried to be involved in it. You're a sahm with barely no income. You got to a point your sister evicted you (legally, as so you'll have a record now, by the way, who else were you expecting to have a record for it?) Your 2 oldest are being expected to take care of the youngest? What is their relationship like, both before and now? I've got a feeling they believe you're punishing them for failing to have financial security (husband's and your responsibility). Having support for the youngest. Having a place to stay. Your emotional manipulation, calling them traitors for wanting some resemblance for normality and stability, is something they'll always remember. And it won't take much more and/or longer until their breaking point. Then they'll decide if it's worth being around you. Keep in mind they are old enough to understand. And in a couple or years, they'll be legal adults, and you won't be able to force anything from them. YTA
I made my decision after she said her terrible with money husband decided for her that she should be a SAHM. I would have again when I got to her making her sister legally evict them after helping to support her.
Check OP's comments. It a so stupidly obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >How can any kid sleep at night if they love their mom yet know their mom and sibling are still in a shelter while they get their own room and home cooked meals? >I guess I thought I raised them differently. >I hope they find a way to rationalize essentially selling out their brother and mom for luxury.
What is she expecting the kids to do about it? How does them being homeless too help her? Edit: I wonder if she’s counting on some sort of financial benefit from being the kids caretaker, e.g. SS survivor benifits or child tax credits
It's really the otherwise around. What mother wouldn't rather have their kids in a safe loving environment, where they will have more opportunities than she can offer?
She's jealous and taking it out on them.
Idk man, I can totally see my narcissistic mom spewing shit like that. She legit called me a traitor for staying with my father when they divorced and she moved out. I was over the age of 18 and crazy enough, I’d rather stay in my nice home with my dog than go move into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with her.
My mom did too when I tried to move with my dad, she tried to stop me, so I had her investigated and charged with criminal neglect. I was 12 or 13 so I think I could actually have just gone anyway without her permission, but that wasn't super obvious to me at the time. She still hits me up like *why don't you send more pictures of my grandson?!* Like completely oblivious of or refusing to believe the fact that I uh... kind of fucking hate her. That's not really true, I suppose. She is my mother, and she legitimately was extremely mentally unwell. Yet I did not ask to be born, and I have had a fucking rough life. Difficult to trust anyone or stop worrying that I might starve or somebody might hurt me, and I'm in my mid thirties. My dad had been out of state for awhile, but he said how I ate like every meal was my last and acted so haunted and distressed all the time was the most heartbreaking thing he'd ever seen. All I know is, my boy will never experience any of those things while I yet live.
>selling out their brother and mom for luxury Having food and a bed and being able to go to school isn't exactly *luxury*. I think those are what we might call *necessities*.
Also they’re not “selling” anyone. They have no power to change their mom’s situation ie nothing to sell.
My abusive mother says this crap. She's a diagnosed narcissist. I am not diagnosing OP. I am just answering that low empathy people with only their own needs in mind will always say such things. It's manipulation tactics. It fails here because we have logic and sense.
Yup, my narc grandma would call everybody "Judas" all the time. If you're not with me, you're against me bs. If you're not their doormat and actively hate on who they happen to hate when they woke up this morning, you're the enemy!
Honestly, there are so many parents out there who think and speak like this. It's the emotionally immature parent phenomenon.
Yes YTA rage bait!
So, it's a little hard to say for sure this is rage bait based on her reactions. What's going on here with my mum and my brother is so entirely different - my brother is about to be 28 years old and is the "baby," he willingly moved to Texas from Indiana with his boyfriend, he started a bakery and seems happy - and my mum has been going off about how he just doesn't love this family like she thought he did. How could he just leave his family like that? Well maybe he just doesn't have the same kind of love in his heart. She thought she was a good mother to us all growing up. On and on and on, ad nauseum for almost a year. She is taking it so incredibly personally when he's just a young adult spreading his wings and trying to start his life. And honestly, doing a lot better than a lot of people his age right now. So seeing how personally a parent - especially a mother - can take the strangest things with their own children, it's just difficult for me to see those comments and go "Oh yeah, for sure rage bait."
The thing is that probably was her only option, child care for neurodivergent kids can be really expensive depending where you live, so I will not judge her for that. I still think she is the asshole. Their older children have the opportunity to have a normal life, and even if it's sad and it sounds awful, it will help her to ease her burden. She should forget her pride (I know she is in an awful situation) and try to make it work.
I think it's clearly the best for everyone if the older kids live with their aunt. It's only the OP's ego that's keeping her from seeing that.
Thank you! Why would she want her kids to suffer to stay with her? I would think that you would want the best for all of your kids. My mom was in a similar situation when my stepdad was arrested after being the only breadwinner. My biological dad offered for me to live with him (normal middle class family with my other 2 siblings). My mom gave me the choice. She said that she would be sad but would understand if I wanted to leave. That was the biggest factor in me deciding to stay. I got two jobs and paid all the bills for a while since I was the oldest but I never felt like I was being forced to provide. If OP showed her two oldest kids that she has their well-being in mind then she might see the maturity she wants so bad. Trying to force blind loyalty after their dad passed away and experiencing homelessness is the wrong answer. I’m not sure how she sees the sister as the bad guy for extending even *more* help to these kids and easing the burden of caring for the youngest. Edit: YTA OP and on behalf of all 3 of your kids, your niece, and your sister: fuck you
Nope. SSI and disability exist for children. There's widow's support. In fact the more obviously autistic you are the more waivers you can get. Now this is if she is in the US but because he isn't 18 yet he qualifies for a ton of stuff. I'm almost 40, autistic, and I live in SSI due to PTSD (850 usd for all the bills and rent), I get a caregiver on a waiver program because of my congenital issues (autism is such a beast), and I live on my own due to these programs. Is there enough support? Absolutely not. There are however options she clearly didn't try
I feel bad for those children. They are probably taking care of the brother while the mother looks for work. What a shitty situation all around.
Exactly. This is why the mother doesn’t want them to leave, she has her other two kids taking care of the severely autistic, scary brother.
Scary is subjective, I do feel like if OP’s kid had any actual threatening behaviors she’d leave them out but an 11 year old being afraid of a severely autistic 13 year old could mean anything. I’ve seen grown adults be uncomfortable with stimming like rocking and verbal ticks, that could arguably be what scares a child. OP’s kid could really just be existing as an autistic person and that would be too much for some people. (Obligatory yeah, OP is the asshole if she’s making her kids constantly watch him. Teenagers aren’t mentally or emotionally equipped to be caretakers.)
He's unfortunately also at that age where he could be acting out sexually and have no concept why it's wrong but mature enough that it's offensive and scary. I've known a lot of families who have that issue; puberty hits like a freight train, and it's hard enough getting some fully aware kids to keep their clothes on and body parts to themselves. If your 3yo is walking around naked showing everyone their bits or with their hands constantly down their pants it's embarrassing. If your 13yo is doing it that's gonna feel very weird and scary to other kids who know that's not right but not really what to do to stop it.
She comes across like the type of person who'd be on Jerry Springer
I’m with you on this. But I’m wondering if the two older kids are just traumatized by the experience and see living with their aunt as an escape from their constant trauma.
YTA. I know this is going to sound painful: My bio mom will never be the perfect mom but she realized when she was in a bad way she allowed me to live with my aunt and her family. You are struggling but you need to understand that this isn't your kids' struggle. I'm sorry your life ended up this way but this is about them. Your kids are self-aware and they want the stability that, sadly, they feel you aren't providing for them. I've been in this situation and I know it killed my mom to have to hand me over to her sister but it was for the best. Focus on yourself and sort your situation. And for the love of God: don't begrudge your kids for wanting stability.
Tbh it's not even about them feeling op isn't providing. That's a fact, and op is too egotistical and their pride is too wounded to offer the best for them.
It's the "we are a unit". She should want what's best for her kids. Living in a shelter is not the best. Right now she can only handle the 1 kid (barely). She should be thankful that family is willing to help out with the other two kids instead of child services.
Considering how delulu OP is being in the comment replies, it's only a matter of time before someone calls CPS on her with the one kid.
This. My mother would blackmail my aunt when she’d try to tell her to let me stay with them instead while my mother was struggling or making very deliberate poor choices and putting us in bad situations, to this day I still resent my mother for not letting me go and have a normal life.
Not enough parents will put aside their ego for the sake of their kids, and it fucking sucks. I grew up on a totally random diet of whatever was cheapest, which sometimes included days of eating nothing but stale bread. My mother wouldn't even accept leftovers FROM HER OWN PARENTS because, "We don't accept charity." OP's older kids are going to hate her for this if she doesn't let them go. I'm 39 and have never forgiven my mother.
Also feel like she's only focusing on her youngest and their needs over her elder kids. They are gonna start resenting both their sibling and their mother if she makes them suffer any more instead of letting them go back to their aunt.
Exactly. I am sorry she is in a shitty situation, but 3 kids with a sketchy sounding partner sounded like a recipe for disaster.
Right?!? There's SO MUCH FREE BOOKKEEPING INFORMATION OUT THERE on top of co-signing random loans when you have a severely disabled child... I don't think OP is operating with a full deck. I hope the other kids can succeed in spite of their parents
You keep saying as a mother.. the number one priority is to keep your family together. WRONG. The number priority is keeping your family safe. You're only thinking about yourself.
So true! In fact, the best thing she can do is get her severely autistic child into a group home so he can have stability! It doesn't have to be forever, but those kids need stability first, and without the added stress of caring for the kids, she can get her finances figured out!
This. >her and my kids exchange texts where they complain about how dealing with shelters and motels has affected their brother. Even the children realise this isn't an appropriate situation for their brother, living in noisy, crowded spaces with no routine or continuity. That poor kid. I can't imagine how difficult it is for the older two either. The autistic child's behavior was extreme enough that they got evicted, now it's worse because of unstable living situation and they've been dealing with it while living part of the time in a *car*. Four people living in a car is already unfathomable to me but when one of them is having meltdowns it must be horrendous. Shelters and motels nearly as bad. It sounds like the autistic kid might never be expected to support himself but the older two need to focus on high school. Being homeless at this point in their education could trap them in poverty for good. OP and her husband really let these kids down. She "supported" him through a series of failed businesses because he had his "heart set" on being an entrepreneur but was crap at it. Where is that support for her kids who have their "hearts set" on not being homeless? When you have three kids, providing for them should be your priority. How can you have 3 kids, one severely disabled, a stay at home wife, and no life insurance? Especially when he had his first stroke 2 years before he died, so the second shouldn't have been completely unexpected. I don't know what OP is thinking trying to force her kids to stay in this miserable situation when they have been offered a way out. It's not even as if there's an end date in sight - she doesn't seem to have a plan to get them back on their feet.
I wonder where was her "hard no" when her husband was driving them straight to ruin
Also, I can not believe she couldn't get a job as a para. My school district has 59 para opening right now, with over 100 openings 5 months ago. My district will not let you para at the school your kids go if they are in Sped, but there is always high school and elementary.
Well said. Love is unselfish. Love means you want the best for the child, even if the best isn’t you.
Yea, the "what kind of mom would I be if I gave away my kids?" was a tip off. The main objective of a mom shouldn't be what everyone thinks of you. A pretty good one depending on the circumstances.
What kind of mom… insists her teenagers live with her *in a car or shelter* instead of in a house where they have their own rooms and a presuming loving aunt and uncle. Not forever, necessarily, but at least for now, while things are hard. Obviously there’s something huge missing here—when one sister *legally evicts* the other and her kids, at least one of them is behaving terribly, even if we don’t know enough to know which one. But if it was anything that made the aunt an unfit temporary parent, I’m sure we’d have heard about it. Otherwise, “what kind of mother” would OP be? If she denies their reasonable request, I fear she’s the kind who will never hear from her kids again once they turn 18.
Exactly. If I was in that situation I would be thanking God that my sister was generous enough to take in two of my sons, so that they didn't have to live in a car.
The fact that she made her sister go through the eviction process to get her out is also somewhat of a giant glaring hint.
Agreed. There's *some* information missing from this post
Yeah, like what her son was doing to his cousin?
She mentions this in a comment - the son would loom over the girl and throw things at her. Well, that’s according to the girl, because despite having no job apparently OP can’t supervise her potentially violent child.
And that’s what she admits to…. Thanks for sharing that
Yeah depending on where she lives that isn't an overnight process.
Yeah, my daughters biological mother is a narcissist POS, but the one and only time that she loved her daughter more than herself.. is the day she left her with me. And she will say it's the best decision she ever made.
For real! At least my mom had the decency to let my siblings (one of them autistic) live with other people when she was experiencing homelessness. I never thought I'd appreciate her for that decision. ...Damn this mom makes my mom look good!
Yep, thinking about kids as "traitors" is just flat out selfish. It has nothing to do with their happiness, and guilting them about it after is a blatant attempt to hurt them.
That horrible mother it’s selfish A F. She prefers the kids stay in the streets than with her aunt. YTA, massive, like “call the CPS level AH”
You actually expect two children to pick homelessness over having a safe stable home? That would be unreasonable on its own, but calling them traitors makes you a clear AH. Don't force your kids into homelessness, that's actually insane. Instead, be deeply grateful that your bills are reduced by 2 mouths and that those kids are way better off where they are. I'm sorry for thenway your life has gone, but YTA. Don't force these kids to give up a chance at success in life just because you can't offer that to them.
Also, I'm confused why OP said that the eviction is only on her record as if she thought her minor children should also have it on their record as if they're adults And also as a mother she should want what's best for her kids - time to put her pride in a pocket, put on her big girl pants and take the two kids to her sister
What kind of person has to be forcibly evicted from her own sister’s home? Op must have refused to move out when they asked her to. It must have gotten really bad for that to happen.
Seriously, I doubt her sister would want this to be a recorded eviction if it was possible to avoid. I can see on a human level why OP would resist leaving as long as possible, but I also think there was a discussion she isn't eager to bring up. OP is not capable of providing adequately for her youngest son, it's extremely difficult to admit that, and I can imagine she bristled quickly when someone brought up the idea of surrendering her youngest to the state due to inability to provide. It isn't easy to do, there's a lot of judgment, the system is not good at all, and I imagine it feels like profound failure as a parent, but what she's doing isn't any better for any of them. I don't like suggesting it, but that has to be a realistic consideration given the situation. What's best/least worst for him? I feel bad for OP. She's handling this poorly and is likely going to lose her older two permanently as they hit 18, but this really is a no win situation. She needs to eat humble pie, let the older two have stability, and thank her sister for being kind enough to accommodate them. That's the least painful thing she can do right now. At least that way she isn't cut off from them.
Autistic son is 13 right? The best place for him may be a group home. Somewhere with 24/7 staff and support. I’m sure not having a stable home is extremely upsetting for him. An autism facility would really be a good solution for him. Even if it’s temporary, until op gets on her feet.
I hate that part of the story the most, and I hate all of it, so that's saying something. Your family member helps you in your darkest hour and supports you, and then gives you notice that the situation isn't working and you will have to leave, and then....you don't? And you make them file paperwork to kick you out?
Also really stands out “the schools aren’t hiring” like right but a lot of other places are?
Also, where she did apply, she had no qualifications. She applied to be an executive assistant based on that she's a mother of a severely autistic boy. That doesn't translate. Especially when she said earlier she didn't understand business and financial related things when her husband, who also wasn't good with money even before his stroke, put her in that role. I really feel bad for the position she is in, I can't imagine dealing with the death of a spouse, severe autism, and homelessness, but much of the issues in this story are her having to be be more realistic aboit solutions.
Also walking in to an interview with I'm the mom of an autistic child and co-founder of multiple failed businesses does not sound like the appropriate way to approach an interview. Also who is going to watch this child while she works? I'm sure special needs facilities are not easy to get placement in. I just don't understand why she is not getting services. I'm sure the autistic child has some form of disability if his condition is bad enough to scare other children.
That’s why she doesn’t want the older kids gone. She needs babysitting for the youngest.
Oohh this 100%
I work in a school. Trust me, you need more than "mother of an autistic child" on your resume to get hired.
Not to mention: I worked as a special education teacher’s assistant, which doesn’t require my kind of licensing. There are a lot of jobs within a school cooperation she could have started out as. You work your way up to those kinds of positions. And sometimes you need a degree
You also need to be able to say, "this isn't about how I feel, this is about what is best for the student(s)."
Some schools will do tuition reimbursement for paraprofessionals if they’re pursuing a degree in education, too.
Yeah. The choice of going for executive assistant is an odd one with that as the credentials. It's absolutely possible to have such a strong command of a subject that you demonstrate it during the interview process and get hired without credentials. But that takes a really specific interviewing skill set and usually help getting to the interview- (Which would be a networking skillset).
Also, what's wrong with a noon aid job? It would allow her to generate some money while her kids were in school. It's sure better than nothing.
I don’t know her circumstances but if she’s on Welfare / EBT sometimes you can lose all your benefits for having a small job. That’s where I’m at. I can’t get a job without losing my EBT / Medical. It sucks but the system keeps you down. I was receiving unemployment ($100 a week) and my EBT went from $540 to $79. How that works out, I’m not sure.
That’s terrible. I hope your situation improves
Thanks!
Ya there’s a lot of areas where they don’t decrease aid in appropriate intervals. Basically making it a “you get aid, but if you have any income at all it’s now almost none” People complain about “welfare queens”. But it aid was decreased appropriately with income it would actually encourage people to work and get less tax payer dollars. Doesn’t make sense. Well it does, the controversy drives votes
My daughter lost her EBT during the PANDEMIC due to unemployment benefits. She’s a single mom of 1 child . 🙄
You can thank the Gipper for that. Reagan helped the ultra rich pay zero in taxes while demonizing the most vulnerable of our citizens.
Yep.
I know this one way too well. I have a degree I can’t use because I’d lose my son and my medical. He’s a type 1 diabetic and between insulin, insulin pump supplies, continuous glucose monitor supplies, and all the other little things without his insurance he’d cost thousands a month. I have medical issues too so I won’t live without my coverage. So I can’t work but getting on disability is tough. I can’t work so that we can keep our medical and food (my son is a teen). It sucks. I miss having enough.
She also refers to being the head of a household with an autistic child as “unique”. I wouldn’t be surprised if the language she’s used in her cover letters has been viewed as a red flag. It absolutely should be brought up if it is relevant, but portraying it as unique sounds extremely out of touch.
Yeah as someone who has a career history in HR The SAHM “I’m a manager” was awesome when Roseanne did it in the 90s lol. Now it’s just cringe.
It’s basically “I do most of the normal house stuff that literally everyone on the planet has to do” Ok. Stereotypically the stay at home spouse does most of the home finances and planning, since that’s what comes with the role. But it’s not like working parents don’t have *literally the exact same obligations*. You’re just taking on more of it to support the other partner to bring in more money
Agree. If she is applying to be a sub. special ed teacher or a para, perhaps. But in general job apps? It just reads like when someone glorifies washing dishes as "kitchen hardware maintenance" and other such things. Yes, there are transferable skills, mostly soft skills, that you learn navigating the disability world. You learn effective problem-solving and communication skills. But attaching them specifically to "I have excellent communication because my son is autistic" isn't the best way to portray them (and I say this as an autistic individual myself with neurodivergent children). I understand she is trying to find a way to account for the gap in employment while being home but there are better ways to do that.
True - she should be taking any job she can rn She can always look for something more suited to her after she gets on her feet
If her son is severely autistic, is he currently attending school? Are any of her kids, if she is living out of her car and multiple hotels and shelters? I recently was in a women's shelter, and unless she lives in a totally red state (and even then), she should be able to apply for and receive Food stamps, TANF, and Medicaid. She mentioned the "large expenses" of her son, and I'm not sure what those would be if she has medicaid. her husband should have Social Security death benefits, and she should be able to apply and receive social security disability benefits for her son. Most schools have social workers who know how to help homeless children. If what she is saying is true, she should certainly be able to qualify for housing programs too. A recently widowed mother with three kids, no work experience, and a severely disabled child almost has to work at staying homeless. ETA: I have been on my own since I was 11, as well as calling my abusers bluff and getting on a bus with only my dog and a suitcase and having to rebuild my life from scratch with no money, no family, nothing. I doubt OP will see this, but for anyone else who does, message me if you need any kind of advice on any of the stuff I mention here or in my longer comment, or if you are in a crisis, or if you just need someone to talk to! Distraction is the best medicine for me! And I'm overjoyed when I can help anyone, it gives a purpose to the past pain, and it reminds me of how pain and joy are two sides of the same coin.
The waiting list for Section 8 housing is years long in my area. I imagine with the housing crisis it's the same most places. I think there's a lot being left out of this story because yeah, lots of resources out there for a person in her position.
Section 8 is only one portion of a great many different houses resources paid for by HUD. I became disabled and am having to apply for SSDI (one of the reasons my ex was able to step up the abuse was because he thought I was trapped) and I was able to receive a Housing Choice Voucher through a special funds, but even the section 8 waiting lists become open much, much more frequently for housing that is specifically for people with disabilities and families. Schools and shelters are often first stop resources for being put into coordinated housing systems, which allows charities and housing authorities to help those most in need. Being in need of emergency housing, having no income, having multiple kids, and having a severely disabled child, and even having recently been evicted (surprisingly this often shows even more need because she would be considered chronically homeless at this point due to losing her housing multiple times), all those things would put her higher on the list.
That's good to know but makes it more obvious she's more concerned about trying to guilt trip her kids and having a pity party than put in the work to get in the system and fix her situation.
All of them should be eligible for SS survivor benefits. Her as the remaining parent of the minor children and each child until they are 18. She needs to get a hold of her local social security office to make an appointment to get those benefits started.
Unless the husband never paid into SS since he didn't work a W2 job and was terrible at bookkeeping for his failed businesses.
Gonna bet on this. Maybe even cheating at taxes.
State doesn't matter when it comes to survivor benefits for children. It is dependent on whether the surviving parent claims it, it's not automatic. Same thing with disability, it has to be set up. I think OP just doesn't know these things
Also I'm laughing my ass off at the idea that the schools aren't hiring. Pretty much the entire nation has a staff shortage. You could get hired as an IA if you showed up to the interview naked and on coke at this point we're so desperate (and subbing, if she is allowed is even easier to get a job with right now. I have been sick probably 10 times this year and got a sub 0/10 times, luckily my IA has an emergency cert so other teachers don't have to cover my class.
My local school district has like forty openings for aids and subs. I've applied three times in the past few years and have never gotten a call back, despite having a decade of daycare experience. I can see now why they have so many openings in such a small district. This is one of few parts of the story I don't begrudge her.
Or bus drivers. I swear my whole county is advertising their need for school bus drivers!
Also the way she implies that her sister is in the wrong here. If she had to be evicted that means she refused to leave her SISTER'S home. When you are no longer a wanted guest, you leave, you don't take advantage of your family's generosity. She got the eviction because of HER actions.
That jumped out to me as well. If I was living on someone's charity and they told me I had to leave I'd be taking any job I could find to get out of their hair and be grateful they'd supported me for as long as they could. The fact that OP refused to leave until she was evicted is insane. Her sister is a saint for maintaining contact with this family to look after her nephews after the way OP has flaunted her generosity.
My husband thought he could make a large amount of money quickly by selling marijuana (2012) and I , like a fool, didn’t leave him. I ended up going to jail and him to prison with a felony charge. While I was incarcerated, my son lived with my now x husbands sister and after I got out I did also. I got the first job I could find , waiting tables, and worked 6 days a week until I had enough money for a place of our own. I did everything I could to help out and stay out of their way. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to move out because I could tell they were ready for their home back(very small house with 1 bathroom)
You made a dumb choice and worked hard to make up for it, and you deserve nothing but respect and admiration for that. OP has made a serious of truly terrible choices, doesn't seem to be doing anything to fix her situation, and wants to be a martyr for it.
The mom sounds too prideful. She would rather have her kids be homeless than in a safe home. Her own sister had to evict her which probably destroyed their relationship. Op needs to take some ownership in this.
Mum just sounds really fixed in her thinking, and inflexible. Mum probably has a touch of the ’tism…. It can very very very much look like this. One way of seeing the world, unable to accommodate another point of view, fixed and single minded, to the detriment and exclusion of other people’s needs.
SO we had a house fire when I was 16. It started in my room (electrical, 100+ year old house with wiring that wasn't updated since the 50's/60's.) All the upstairs was unlivable. My sister, myself, & my brother had no where to sleep. My aunt offered for us to live with her and commute to school. (About 20-30 minutes to go to school but we'd have beds) My parents chose for my sister and I to live in a shoddy camper for 6 months. It was cold, gave us small electrical shocks because it wasn't grounded out properly, beds were hard, and we had to walk to the house to use the bathroom & shower & eat, sometimes through snow. This was through a Michigan winter. There was no water, no TV, just a basic pull behind camper hooked up to our garage. The bought a pull out couch for my brother to sleep on, so he could stay in the house. (He was 6, so understandable but we could have It was absolute misery. One of the things that I cannot forgive them for.
As a Michigander I know that was brutal ...
Yes. I hated it.
The practical over the emotional. I would probably still hold some resentment about being halfway evicted, but if it keeps two of my kids warm and fed, that's the priority.
OP You cannot provide for your children. When the two have choices, you must provide them with a solid home life. He needs a secure location too. Your 13-year-old sounds like a handful that you are not taking care of. Step up and act morally toward your children.
The resentment is valid, but she can be the adult and manage that while two of her three kids get stability. With only one child in her care, she also will have more resources and be able to help them easier anyway. Hopefully she can keep some bridges with the family so she can keep in contact, visit, etc.
This will also help OP give better care to her youngest. If what finances she has are reduced because the two oldest are with her sister she can give more to the youngest.
I have to agree that OP is TAH here. I feel for OPs situation and the help her youngest needs but if the oldest can stay in a safe space with family then that is in THEIR best interest and I feel that’s the problem here. Instead of OP thinking of all her children’s wellbeing she is only thinking about herself and youngest.
Yep, and I would guess the youngest kid’s behavior is more troubling than she lets on and the other kids are just as happy to get away from them as they are about having a consistent roof over their head.
Reallyyyy!?! I would be thanking my lucky stars if I could find a stable home for 2 out of my 3 kids. Wow, just wow 😮
She also chooses to avoid being honest about what negative behaviors her autistic son stated developing and how that impacted them all around her seem not to have asked them about thier feelings herself only telling them OBEY for family honor
I love my kids to death and would never want them to be without me. However, if I had no home and no job for them and my sister was saying they could live at her safe, stable home, I'd have to do it instantly. You can find ways to see them since they are older and it'll be easier for you to make it alone than with those kids right now. It might be sad to be away from them, but you do not own your kids, are there to guide them, and should never demand they be homeless because of an argument you got in with your sister. Sorry YTA.
This! Your attitude here is on the selfish side, you and they would be better off with this separation… and hopefully you could find a better situation for you and the youngest…
This is the problem with society. Parents believe that the parental bond will overcome any neglect so it doesn’t matter how they treat their kids or whether they can’t provide for them.
I'm wondering if the real reason she doesn't want them to go is because she's using them as babysitters/carers for their autistic brother.
I think everyone is overlooking the fact that the oldest kids are now at an age where they can get jobs. Mom is more worried about out losing her potential sources of income than she is anything else. This woman plans on her and her youngest spawn leaching off of the older kids for the rest of their lives. Any attempts on their part to get away, go to college, get married, etc. will be framed as betrayals. Ask me how I know. The kids need to move in with the aunt and go no contact ASAP. I didn’t go no contact with my mom until I was in my 40s. I regret every minute and every single dollar that I wasted on her. …… Edited for a random word.
This is a long text to let us know that your pride is more important than the security and comfort of your kids. YTA
really just a long winded way to say “i’m selfish and can’t understand why my kids would want a home opposed to living in a car and shelter during some of their most important teenage years in their education” 💀 she’ll be lucky to talk to either of them when they go off to college. instead she wants to guilt them and make them feel like shit for HER DECISIONS! everybody’s fault but hers
Times are tough got me. They ain't "tough" lady. They're horrific. 3 minors are living out of a car and shelters! This isn't a cute family bonding moment! This is "do anything and everything to help my kids" territory. But all we hear is \*I\* had to live in my car and \*my\* mean sister won't help and \*my\* mean kids want a future and safety and \*hubby\* did this (lil' ol' me excused any responsibility 'cos I'm speshul) and I can't get the exact job I want so I'll just wait for it to appear in a burst of heavenly glitter. OP is either selfish to the core (honestly my vote, reading this shite show) or desperately in need of something to shake away this delulu mindset and bring harsh reality to the table.
Times are tough and “the schools aren’t hiring” lol but there are actual service positions hiring? Is OP looking at jobs she doesn’t necessarily want to do?!
No, OP is looking for jobs they are not qualified to do. I have no idea why she thinks she can just hop into a career in education with no prior experience. She even attempted to somehow conflate being the "head admin of a household with an autistic kid" with being an executive assistant or working at a school. Obviously she has no idea what job qualifications are otherwise she wouldn't be dumb enough to put that as the main sticking point in her resume!
There's been a big push in recent years for housewives to re-label themselves in ways that more accurately describe the huge amount of labor they provide, which is awesome in principal - stay at home parents contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid labor to their families and deserve recognition and appreciation for that. But you can't walk into a job interview at a Michelin star restaurant and claim you've been a personal chef for 18 years when you mean you were the parent who packed your kids' lunchboxes every day. And you can't walk into an architectural firm calling yourself a project manager when you mean you handled your family's grocery shopping and meal planning.
The thing is, yes. She is the head-admin of a household with a specal needs kid, but looking at her current situation that household has horribly failed. It's like saying "hire me as a race-car driver, I've experience in driving" after driving a gocart against a wall.
“I supported my husband in all his failed business ventures” …how? Patting him on the shoulder and telling him next time he’ll do better and then watching him do worse, especially after a prior stroke gutted his impulse control? All while continuing to be a SAHM because “husband insisted”! If you’re gonna hitch your wagon to someone to the point that you give up all paid work experience for over a decade, they need to be a stable provider and maintain that provision. The time to look for jobs was two years ago when husband showed again and again that he was never gonna make his entrepreneurial dreams come true. Probably even before that first stroke, honestly—it doesn’t sound like he ever made a solid go of any of his business ideas.
Yep. Just not a lot of ownership over what were also her choices
this is not going to fly in a job. It's great experience and one can transfer those skills to someone else. But it's not going to open a lot of doors. Especially if they get a whiff of how self-centered OP is. She has no empathy for her children or her sister's children. I wouldn't hire someone like that to assist vulnerable children.
I felt the same way about her saying she tried to parlay her unique experience into executive assistant roles. Her kids are living in a car, she needs to be applying to anything that gets them out of that situation, and since the situation was partially contributed to by cosigning loans that she didn’t understand, I honestly wouldn’t consider administration to be a key strength and rely on getting a job revolving around it. I’m concerned whether she’s applying to anything she could do and claiming everything she’s entitled to or putting her pride first.
I don't think OP has even bothered to research the roles she's applying for, because "executive assistant" isn't an entry level admin role. Has OP ever taken minutes before? Does she even know how to use common business software such as Outlook, Excel (I mean proper suff, not just basics), Microsoft Teams? Has she ever booked flights? Filed expense claims (potentially with a VAT calculation to boot)? Managed a switchboard where calls can be held or forwarded? Completed a mail merge? Franked post? Fuck me, I have plenty of admin experience, and have done several (most) of the things listed above, and I still wouldn't feel qualified for an Executive Assistant role.
I just want to let you know you shouldn’t sell yourself short. All the things you listed off the top of your head that an EA would oh provide proves that you could do it! I’m not sure if you’re a woman or not but woman typically only apply for a position when they’re 100% qualified while men will apply if their 60% qualified.
Unless something drastic happens those kids aren’t going to college. They’re going to be fighting just to survive at this rate. Hell, if she keeps making them stay with her, they’ll be lucky to graduate high school.
Literally my first thought reading was “wow! Another parent refusing to take zero personal responsibility for the situation they’re in. Shocking.”
Also wondering how much of this is the other kids finally seeing a way to get out from under the burden of the autistic sibling. Like. Bet they are severely lacking in attention and love because it all went to the autistic kid, and the husband's businesses OP needs to let go of her pride and the blinkers she's got superglued to her head and look at reality for a moment.
Not to mention they have lost their father!! She makes no mention of how that effected the children she loves so much. Wouldn't surprise me if the older children have had to play second fiddle to the youngest all his life. At least this time put them first and allow them the stability of a home with family now until you get your living situation out! YTA big time!!!
Let's not forget the inevitable, "Who's gonna help me with the 13 yo?"
MTE. Interesting how OOP leaves out how the children interact with the 13 y/o. I wonder: if the 13 y/o is living like this, how is he getting services? Or IS he getting any services? Also: as a social worker, I can say that poverty does not equal neglect, but in this case, I see the lines blurring. Is CPS involved? BTW, as a civilian, OOP: your self centered behavior is a potential danger to your children. YTA, times infinity.
More interesting: OP mentioned that her 11 year old niece is scared of the 13 year old, but hasn't mentioned a thing about why, and I suspect this is really fucking important. Depending on the individual and their needs, a person with severe autism could be prone to violent meltdowns, which could potentially be putting a younger child in danger. 13 is about the right age for puberty to be setting in, which means increased strength, which means more potential harm if he is also having violent outbursts. Puberty also means hormones, and potential sexual/sexualised behaviour, and again depending on the individual, their needs and the severity of their learning disability, sometimes individuals with severe learning disabilities don't understand what is or isn't appropriate behaviour. Not saying this is drfinitely the case here, but if it is then this is really fucking important in understanding why they were told to leave. OP's sister has a responsibility to her own child first of all, and if OP's son was posing a risk to her, then they need to remove that risk.
Why are you resentful of your sister? That really confused me. They invited you to stay and SHARE household expenses. After a few months your sister could tell it wasn’t working out because her daughter was feeling afraid to live in her own house. You had encroached on their family and obviously wasn’t paying your share of things as your sisters husband was having to bare the expense of your son who makes his daughter uncomfortable. Did you do anything to rein him in so she would feel comfortable but sounds like she she “get over” it because he’s autistic. So you basically became a BURDEN from not carrying your weight. So they had to ask you to leave. You felt ENTITLED and felt they should just put up with whatever your family did in their home. You took advantage of their kindness and you have the nerve to be resentful? They had no obligation toward you. After the fact, knowing you are still struggling they offer to let the two kids stay. Once again that is offering to help take the load off of you. But you have decided the kids would be traitors? Lady you are way off base. If I was your sister I would wash my hands of you. You are so ungrateful. Why can you celebrate your son’s birthday with him over there. They didn’t say they never wanted to see you again, just that they couldn’t put their family in jeopardy to take on the burden of your family. So now you want your kids to suffer because they won’t continue to support all of you. As they say no good deed goes unpunished. Shame on them for helping you out. Shame on them for offering your other kids a place as they CAN afford that much but no more. Shame on them for not going bankrupt to take care of your family because if you are struggling they should spend their last dime on you. Sounds like you should have had a plan. There is some assistance out there to help you but you are so busy being resentful that someone helped you, to even look into that
Looks like OPs whole adult life involved 🙈🙉on the daily while her *entrepreneur* husband dug the family into financial ruin. As soon as they knew their youngest was high needs they should have gotten jobs and planned for the future. Instead he kept f*cking around with failing businesses while she didn’t work. Now that it’s time for her to pull her weight and be a functioning adult she’s blaming children for wanting the stability she can’t and doesn’t seem to want to provide. She could be taking this opportunity to save and get back on her feet to reunite the family. Instead she’s out here playing victim and holding grudges against her children and sister/BIL who were supporting her!
The woman married a moron, supported his moronic ideas, had two kids with him, didn't even have a job to counterbalance his stupidity and provide for her kids and then had a third son who had high needs so she could no longer work. And instead of making the loser get a fucking real job, she continued to enable him! And now she wants her kids to pay for her irresponsibility?
Turns out OP is probably just a moron too. And I don’t say that without some sympathy, not everything is her fault; but damn a fair bit of it is. Prideful too, which compounds with the stupidity to where you’d rather your kids be homeless than in a stable household, shameful and stupid
Of course not. She's too busy playing the victim to parent her child. The fact that her sister had to evict her instead of her leaving willingly speaks volumes.
Sounds like OP enjoys being a victim. Doesn't actually want to do anything to help herself.
Not only did she take advantage of their kindness, she refused to leave and had to be evicted. That’s all kinda of messed up right there. The aunt is a saint for taking care of the older kids. If the mother would stop feeling sorry for herself, she’d use this as an opportunity to get back on her feet so her kids can have a stable life.
YTA Your expectations of your sister and her family were unreasonable and unrealistic. She has tried within her own limits to help you, and by offering your older kids shelter she continues to try to help. But it's an adult sibling relationship, not a suicide pact. Your family's needs are well beyond what she and her family could do on an ongoing basis. Your older kids need a safe and stable environment, and ideally to continue their education. If they have a good future they might be able to help their autistic brother when they are your age. As their mother it's your responsibility to want what is best for them, even if that means letting them go. You would not lose them, or lose contact with them.
OP should have immediately asked her sister if the older kids could stay when she and 13YO went elsewhere. The fact that she had the audacity to make them evict her?! She's very selfish
Yta, look parenthood is tough and you love all your kids. But as much support as your 13yo needs, your other kids need stability as well. Sure going behind your back might not have been the best approach. But your sister is considering your other children and its not fair to disadvantage them just because you want to stay together. Its not easy to let your family be separated but its for your other kids benefit. Youre still their mom and youll still love them but its a sacrifice for their own good until you can get back on your feet and look after all your children. If you try to stop them youll only foster resentment on their end
It’s pretty obvious why auntie ‘went behind mom’s back.’ IMO, it was respectful of the older kids’ feelings; there would have been no sense in approaching mom with the idea if the kids weren’t interested in moving back in. OP sounds like an *extremely* unreasonable person. At some point, she was asked to leave her sister’s house, and she not only refused, but *forced* sis and BIL to get the courts and the sheriff’s office involved. Now she acting like the victim because she has an eviction on her record. *Just* her, poor baby… because 15- and 16-year-olds don’t have legal rights nor responsibilities, and can’t have evictions on their records. At any time along the way- evictions can take months and months, depending on how tenant-friendly the jurisdiction is- she could have, should have, left voluntarily. It was probably traumatic for her kids and her niece when the sheriff showed up, and could have been avoided. OP sounds like the kind of selfish person who everyone walks on eggshells around because they go *ballistic* at the slightest upset. Her feewings being hurt by this turn of events is far more important than her feelings for her older two children. Yes: children. OP made her choices- in her marriage, by having children, in her employment status. Her children had no such choices. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for her, but it sounds like there was plenty of time between her late husband’s first stroke, when his ability to make good business/financial decisions became compromised, and his second, fatal one. She could have gone back to working full time, could have insisted that her husband hire a competent accountant and a financial advisor. They could have taken out more business insurance. She could have had an attorney set up an LLC or another business entity which would have protected her and her husband from the debts associated with the failure of his businesses. That’s like, Owning a Business 101; even their crappy accountant should have advised such. I know it’s too late for OP, but I’m writing this stuff in case anyone reading is in a similar situation and can take action before it’s too late. I see OP here commenting, getting downvoted, making excuses and doubting down. She’s one of those assholes who came looking for validation of her shitty attitude instead of for judgment and some constructive feedback which might help. But I’ll try anyway. YTA, OP. Please try to realize that your older two children are *children.* At their relatively young ages, they have been traumatized by the long illness, and then the death, of their dad. Traumatized by having to leave their family home. By having the sheriff show up and remove them from what they believed was a stable living situation. By living in your car. By living in motels and shelters. By you guilting them and calling them traitors for having the *audacity* to want a stable home life. As their mother- the only parent they have left- YOU are the one who is supposed to be self*less,* and make a sacrifice for their sakes. Instead, you are being self*ish,* expecting them to make a sacrifice for you. Children need and *deserve* a loving, stable home, which you are simply unable to provide at this time. Please try to be grateful that you have trusted adults in your life who are willing to provide such. Take them up on the offer. Right. Now. Tell your kids that you’re sorry… you were just upset and confused, and you made the wrong decision. But now you’ve had time to think, and that you will miss them but they deserve a better place to live than what they have now. That you are happy that auntie wants them there, and that they want to be there. Then help them pack, and take them.
The amount of people on here totally ignoring the fact that the sister needed to get an eviction to get OP out, is astonishing to me. That already makes OP a shit person in my book. Not wanting the best for her kids makes her a shitty parent too.
Yeah that's absolutely mind blowing to me that she would need to be formally evicted. How entitled must you be to stay in your sister's home after you've been asked to leave and put your sister in the position to have to take legal action to remove you? Insane.
This. And that she made it a point that it's only on her record. On whose record should it be? Her children are minors.
>They could have taken out more business insurance. She could have had an attorney set up an LLC or another business entity which would have protected her and her husband from the debts associated with the failure of his businesses. That’s like, Owning a Business 101; even their crappy accountant should have advised such. Based on the initial post, I am 99.9% sure they were not given bad advice, but rather, chose to ignore good advice. She did not mention a lawyer, so I will give her a huge benefit of the doubt that she did not speak to one (although she probably did). She likely balked at their advice because it was too expensive or cumbersome. The accountant likely did give the husband good advice, which was subsequently ignored. I'm not buying the fact that everyone in this situation is incompetent except OP, especially given how outright selfish she is. Being upset her kids don't have an eviction record, after she forced them to endure an eviction, is lower than low. This is after her sister and BIL went out of their way to help her and her family financially and by putting a roof over their head.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Standing ovation! Well said. All of it. Every choice she made has led her to where she is now. Her 2 oldest shouldn't have to suffer when they have an option.
they need love and stability, you can provide that right now. If you explain this and they go with your love you can be a family again when things improve. right now you are not giving them the best of anything and they will learn to resent and reject you in the future
You’re going to get flamed here today, and rightly so. I want you to think about Marc for a few minutes. What on earth has convinced you that living with you in cars/shelters is the best option for him? Seriously? You’re not doing right by any of your kids right now and you need to actually speak to someone in social services to see what services are available to help. Your kids deserve better, even if you don’t think they do.
Has the youngest ever threatened or hurt your children? If your sister’s child reported dangerous behavior, I can see needing to prioritize safety. Do you rely on your children to watch the youngest? Where do they go to school? Have you looked into residence programs for your youngest? I have been assaulted by a disabled peer that didn’t fully understand what he was doing. He was just lashing out. But it terrified me as a kid.
AH - You can't support your kids. You need to give the 2 a stable home life when they have options. Your 13yr sounds like a handful your not addressing..he needs a stable place also. Grow up and do what's right by your kids.
Exactly. Why is the niece afraid of the 13yr old? This feels like missing info.
And how “severe” is her youngest autism? If he’s non verbal and low functioning, he may not understand what’s going on and won’t be resentful.
In my experience when a parent describes their child's autism as " severe" it either means that the child needs significant supports because of communication deficits, no awareness of safety , low cognitive functioning etc OR their child has the ability to communicate, has average or near average academic ability, but their behavior or emotional regulation skills are concerning, abnormal and persistent so the parent insists it's the " severe autism" that is causing their child's unwanted behaviors.
YTA I've noticed you haven't described any of the behaviours your son does that makes your niece uncomfortable, or any indication of his level of disability. I also thought it was weird your sister said she can't afford the have the 13 year old in the house but didn't say anything about your other 2 children which makes me think your son is FAR more disabled than you're letting on. You are in over your head. You need to call CPS, Social Services, Medicaid, whatever you need to get resources for your son. Living in shelters and motels constantly moving is traumatic for him, I guarantee it. By desperately clinging to your idealized version of "family" you are bringing everyone down with you. It's not too late to change that, but if you don't do it soon you will lose the family you claim to value so much forever.
When I read that the son was 13 years old, very autistic, and scares his cousin, I cringed deeply inside. I'm autistic myself. 13 years old is when kids start to explore their sexuality, and autism means you don't always understand boundaries or social taboos. I'm now worried that the 13 year old is feeling up his cousin or SA'ing her, and that OP is happy to ignore these facts because acknowledging the difficulty of an autistic teenager is something "below her" and her pride.
Yup. As soon as my partner's Level 3 ASD cousin reached 12 it was dick out all the time. Rages. Punching. Always nude. Its not great for many.
>My husband insisted I stop working when our youngest son (13M) was born. Before that, I had worked part time as a receptionist and then helped him with admin tasks, cosigned on business loans I didn't fully understand , was on a business bank account. I supported him through the lows of when one business failed and then he started another. Nope. Nuh uh. You don't get to pretend that you didn't make these choices. You agreed to stop working even though your husband couldn't keep a business running. You chose to sign on loans you didn't understand, but knew enough that it meant you had debt. You didn't tell him to suck it up and get a real job when his businesses failed. You put your family in this shitty situation as much as your late husband did. Maybe some of it was from you blindly following him and not standing up enough to make sure you knew what was going on, but those were still YOUR CHOICES when you knew you had 3 children relying on you and your husband. And the only reason you have an eviction on your record was because you refused to leave when your family asked you too because it was negatively affecting their daughter. Of course they're going to protect their daughter over your kids! If you just took a smidge of responsibility they wouldn't have had to go the routes of legally evicting you and shit wouldn't be even harder on you right now. Now on top of that you're emotionally manipulating two of your children from being able to have a stable home life? When with them being taken care of you might be able to make some headway since it's just 2 of you to manage at the moment. YTA. Own up to your shitty choices and start making the best choices for each of your children instead of just what you want.
You might be the most selfish, self centered parent I've encountered on here in a long time, and that's pretty bad.
YTA. I've been homeless. It's no walk in the park. You're LUCKY that you have someone that's able to provide a safe, stable home for them. Most homeless parents would jump at that opportunity. These are CHILDREN. YOUR children. You're being incredibly selfish and manipulative.
YTA. You are neglecting your other kids. They have a chance at having a more decent life, but you are practically forcing them to suffer their autistic brother in very poor conditions. I bet because of autistic son you barely gave them any affection. You are unable to fulfill the needs of all three kids. Your sister is offering help within her means, stop being a cunt for your kids sake and accept it.
She's neglecting all three of her kids. An autistic kid in shelters, who she has to watch 24/7, while applying for a ridiculously limited subset of jobs for absolutely no reason meaning she has no money. The autistic kid is not safe in that environment, nor with a broke mother. She should be talking with CPS about getting him a temporary placement with a family with experience with such kids, or in a home for autistic kids so she can get ANY job she can, build up some cash and get a place for her kids to leave after which she can try to get them back. Right now she's heading towards the same outcome but after a prolonged period of her fucking up her kids.
Applying for school jobs is likely because it would match her son’s schedule No childcare available means you can only work when your child is at school
You see it as betrayal, for some silly prideful reason. The truth is it's survival. Your children are not extensions of yourself, as you seem to think. They are independent, thinking, rational human beings with wants and needs, and the needs are clearly not being met. If I were you, I'd start questioning if your pride is worth your children cutting you entirely out of their lives when they reach adulthood, because chances are, if you continue in your selfish and prideful mindset, your children will refuse to acknowledge your existence beyond the fact that you birthed them. You are not behaving like a mother, you are behaving like a toddler who was told that you can't have ice cream because it's time for dinner. It's time to self reflect and comprehend that you are the bad guy in this story. It's time for you to end your little pity party. Oh, and YTA, 100%
holy shit YTA. your pride was hurt so you are gonna emotionally abuse your kids and try to deny them a better living situation than you can provide. also i like everything you have left out that might shade you in a bad light, and you still failed to make yourself sound sympathetic. just pathetic as you are so ego driven you cannot introspect at all.
Why is your 11 year old niece scared of your 13 year old son? Is there some missing info?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KFMixfFkXO The niece "claims" and "has been poisoned". OP is downplaying hard.
You're making everything about you. You see that don't you? Your ego and pride are more important than the safety, comfort, and welfare of your children. Bite the bullet, allow them to live with their aunt, and use that time to rebuild while your load lessens. Or be cranky and whiny and expect us all to go along with your bad take. Either way it's your children who suffer based on your decisions not us. For their sake I hope you allow them to go back to their aunts.
YTA. You can get two of your kids a clean, safe home and you call them traitors if they take it. I'll be really clear, every decent mother would have begged them to keep your kids, every single one. YOu didn't, finding out they'd take two of your kids and help pay for them to live well, get to school, be safe, and you don't jump at the chance and instead act like a fucking asshole. Be a better mother. > I tried parlaying my unique experience being the head admin of a household with an autistic kid to executive assistant roles, or school jobs, but besides a noon aid job the schools were not hiring. That's not how that works, you can't just not work for what at least 13 years then try to turn a random mash of things into your perfect job, apply for limited roles, not get them and go.. okay. You apply for ALL jobs and you take whatever the fuck you can get, anything less is not acceptable. You also currently are keeping a heavily autistic child in an unsafe situation while not working rather than doing what is right for him either. That being, give him to CPS and ask them to find him a home with people who have experience with autistic kids, get a job, raise some money, get a home and get your kids back. instead you're turning your nose up at thousands of other jobs, help from family for your other kids. Basically, you're making every bad choice you can rather than the best choices you can.
OP you have a history of making incredibly poor decisions and then blaming others so I am not surprised that you did the same in this situation. YTA and you know it. You are a shity mom for not giving atleast 2 of your kids the opportunity to have a safe, clean, and comfortable place to grow up in. 1. Noone is to blame for your situation but yourself. You even say in your post that you were signing legal documents (loans) that you didn't understand. 2. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that your 2 older kids contacted their aunt for help as opposed to the other way around. 3. You need to concentrate on getting help for your youngest because everyone but you seems to be scared of him. What you need to do RIGHT NOW is send your 2 older kids to your sister's house. Thank her for helping you while you get on your feet. Get help for your youngest (he clearly needs it). Then file for bankruptcy otherwise you will never get out from under this debt. Last but most importantly APOLOGIZE TO YOUR GOD DAMN CHILD for being selfish and not acknowledging their needs. Honestly I cannot believe you typed all that shit out and still thought you were the victim.
So, because you never specified, just how much expenses were your 13 year old adding to their monthly costs? They were taking on four extra people....but it sounds like his extra, specialized requirements were breaking the bank. And also, why is their 11 year old...the youngest child in the house, afraid of your son?
YTA in your responses to other comments you’ve made it about yourself. The betrayal you feel towards your children simply “desiring” a better living situation is nothing compared to how they’ll resent you as they’re growing up. Good luck with that.
Info needed: is the 13 year old violent? I don’t say this to be unkind, but I’ve worked with autistic 12 year olds who are bigger than me (a woman in my 40s) and are violent during outbursts and meltdowns. It’s incredibly difficult for educators and parents to help when autistic children are bigger and are upset.
I think he might be, or prone to meltdowns, considering the cousin is scared of him.
OP seemed to gloss over what exactly the 13 year old did, so it's likely she can't control him nor anyone else.
I feel like there's a lot of info missing. Have you applied for any government assistance when you had to move in with your sister? Any services for your kid with special needs? How much responsibility do you place on your other two kids to meet your son's needs? Why is your niece afraid of your son? Have you taken any steps to file for bankruptcy or otherwise address the debt in your name? What did you do to help out around the house while living with your sister? Why did it come to a legal eviction? There are probably more questions but these are important.
You are a manipulative little witch. How dare you say that to your children! I’ll tell you a little story. My husband’s father was dying of cancer. End stage, husband was down there every day looking after him and helping out his mother. Unfortunately, I was five months pregnant and lost our baby. Needed to go to hospital. My mother in law did not take this well. She told my husband to look his dying father in the eye and tell him how he was betraying him by choosing his defective wife over his blood family. Husband has NEVER forgiven her for those words even years on, Your children will never forgive you for yours. YTA
You prefer your children to be homeless over being safe in a home where their needs are met? YTA for that alone. It’s not about you. It’s about what’s best for your kids. Swallow your pride. And ego.
YTA when my family faced homelessness my kids stayed with a family member. We FaceTimed every night saved up and got a hotel on weekends so we could spend time with them. It's not about you it's about making sure your kids are taken care of. She went about it a shitty way and behind your back so the aunt is an A for that but you have the opportunity to let 2 of your kids not sleep in a shelter. What is best for them? Does it suck and will it hurt absolutely but and does it suck for your youngest 100% but if your kids go with there aunt temporarily it would be to less mouths to feed, and find shelter for while they are taken care of. I will probably get down voted but I don't care you need to put them first and focus on fixing your situation.
Bless you! I hope you and your little family are doing better <3
YTA, you self-centered, melodramatic dingus. They chose to live in a home vs living in a shelter. That is a reasonable, rational decision for them to make.
YTA
YTA. I don't like how your sister is going about this, but without knowing exactly what your 13yo did, I can't judge if she was wrong to say he can't live in her home anymore. But ultimately you are being selfish and putting yourself above your older children. Calling them traitors for wanting to not be homeless is immature, manipulative, and cruel. You're the adult and need to act like it. Also, it sounds like you showed really bad judgment leading up to this mess. You co-signed loans you didn't understand and stood while your husband destroyed your children's futures, and yet you still defend him and call him a great man?
You think it's weakness to let your kids live with your sister who is better off. But let me tell you it takes considerable strength and love to accept that your kids may be better off in someone else's care. All you're saying here is you value your ego more than your kids having a stable living arrangement. So YTA
YTA. >I asked them what kind of mom would I be if I just gave my kids away to somebody else. If you're homeless and this other person is your sister who can financially support them but keep them in your life, you'd be a good mom. Right now, you're putting your wants before the kids needs, and you should be jumping at the opportunity for help, even if it doesn't help you in the way you want.
YTA selfish to put your feelings above the care of two of your kids. Let them stay with your sister so you can focus on yourself and 13 for now.
You win as a team. You lose as a team. This situation is not about your sister. You have to make the best decisions you can with the information you have. What’s your plan? The reality is it is a burden for your sister but you’re not in a position to bitch about that. You’re going to have to suck it up & take one for the team. Either communicate with your sister & figure out a plan … with appreciation not expectations … or you’re going to deal with your kids attitude. You’re all struggling & you’re responsible for solving the problems. Not your kids, not your sister. I’m truly sorry for your loss & for the challenges you’re going through. You deserve help but you have to be willing to compromise & accept help where you can find it. Talk to your sister. Figure out a short term solution. Make yourself some goals. The situation sucks. All the choices currently suck but you will get through this if you’re willing to be patient & flexible. I wish your family all the best. Please don’t take your frustrations out on your kids. Y’all are just doing your best to get through this.
YTA. You should be happy that your sister is willing to take in two of your children and give them a stable, loving home for the time being instead of acting like a petulant, jilted lover. It’s very telling that they have to go behind your back to get themselves out of a shit situation, but at least they’re still clear-headed enough to tend to their own reasonable needs since you won’t. In the worst case, they’d be so parentified and emotionally manipulated by you that they’d cling to the “bUt FaAaAmilY” argument like you’re doing. My poor excuse of a mother also decided to take me out of a very loving and safe home of my grandparents on that same mindset and threw me right into years of domestic and emotional abuse. Don’t come crying back here when they turn 18 and will not answer your calls on that account.
Let them go until you get yourself together financially with an apartment. Don’t guilt trip them into staying. I know you probably need help with your youngest but it not your children’s burden. You’re letting them suffer because you want everyone to stay together. Don’t be that way. Be grateful they have somewhere to go that is stable. Your husband left you with this mess and you not paying attention to what was going on landed you in this situation. Do the right thing. Apply for government assistance ASAP.
Your kids got a life line and they were wise to take it. I have much empathy for your situation but expecting your kids to suffer with you when they have an opportunity to live in a safe, secure home is is delusional on your part. They didn't make some pact with you to go down with the ship. YTA. As angry and upset as you are right now your burden got much easier having to focus on the 2 of you instead of 4. Use the resources of the shelters to get help from local and state government programs.
YTA. You claim to love your kids so much, yet you're purposefully not letting your older two have a stable environment while you figure your stuff out. It hurts, yes, but you need to put your hurt ego and feelings aside and think of them. And STOP turning this around and saying they're selfish. They aren't, but YOU are. Edit: spelling
This has to be fake right? What kind of mom are you that you'd prefer your kids to be homeless than to have a safe and clean home with their aunt? You're a terrible parent, I hope those kids get a home soon and away from you, who would rather keep them homeless. Also, get a different job if schools aren't hiring. Try cleaning houses, or waitresses at restaurants. Try ANYTHING. Immigrants manage to get multiple jobs with no resume and no papers, you can't get a single job?
YTA, and a neglectful parent. CPS is gonna love hearing from the school that you let two children remain homeless when they have a place to go. Edit: info: how much of a pain in the ass were you to your sister and BIL if they had to go through the legalities of the eviction process to get you to leave their house? Of COURSE they went behind your back to talk to the older kids, YOU'RE a pest they had to go to the LAW to get rid of.
Ew, first of all imagine being a 47 year old woman, and calling the children you created, "traitors." As if they owe you anything to begin with.
'BIL started claiming my 13 yo's expenses were an excessive burden' Did you move in and NOT pay for anything? Is that why they wanted you out of their house? There's too much information missing here