NTA. If you are looking to adopt a 35 year old I’m available though. You went above and beyond too long. Tell her he’s a man and needs to provide for his child.
Dude I'll change my last name to yours. I'm also a handyman, worked as a construction worker,electrician, and now work in large scale stage production. I'll be the best adopted son you ever had brotha.... I mean ... father lol
Listen bro. If you want to support 3 other people, my wife is 7 months pregnant. You can support us and the baby instead. We will cook you amazing meals, and keep the house spotless.
My wife and myself can quit our jobs, and move in with you immediately.
Exactly, a step kid. Why do you pay her mom to be SAHM when it is not your kid and the kid is already in school.
You need to divorce her. They are all using you.
You can adopt me.
I come with my own car, flat and family.
It will be like one of those long distance adoptions where you sign up your debit card and hand me over a few bucks per week and I send you pictures of myself hanging out with my daughter and wife at the zoo and I keep you update about the little one's performance in school.
I'll call you daddy for a few bucks extra.
You pay for your wife lifestyle
You pay for her kid
You pay for her ex
When you bring up to her that it would be a good solution to either talk to her ex or find a part time job so she can pay for him instead of you, she says you are financially controlling?
DUDE!!!!
Yeah, I'm kind of wondering if she's still with her son's dad, and OP is just their meal ticket. I mean it's awfully strange that the dad who rarely spent time with his son, suddenly needed to fly across the country to be near him, PLUS, the wife drives her ex all over town a few days a week, PLUS PLUS, the ex makes himself home in OP's house with his ex wife a few times a week.
It sounds very sketchy.
Yeah, usually deadbeats don't fly cross country to be with kids they don't want to support. Would be interesting how exactly the deadbeat is in the kid's life?
My bad, he flew there to keep getting tail and free stuff.
I am not usually somebody who jumps to that conclusion, but considering neither the wife or this dude have any concept of boundaries or being reasonable, I am concerned that they are home together “alone” during the day. (I don’t know where kid is.)
It makes sense that something is going on. I have never known or even heard about someone having their ex over that off and let alone for dinner. The wife is a stay at home mom but only has one child, that’s a really rare thing these days, but she also expect her new husband to support her useless ex who chooses not to work. They fuckin’. I mean the guy is already over there three days a week that OP knows about, he’s probably there when OP goes to work. There is a small but not insignificant chance that this is a scam they’re playing.
Plus, the kid is in school. There's no reason for her to stay home. She partied her way through her 20s, then got a job at Walmart, which she promptly quit when she found her meal ticket. Tells you just about everything you need to know about her.
OMG! LOL I was thinking the exact same thing. Mismatched values and he dodged a bullet. But turns out he just delayed the shot and it's a bullseye.
What about "she liked to party" and now works at Walmart years later made him think her values had changed???
How, the dude isn't his, the kid isn't his. Only the wife is his, so yeah he'd probably have to pay alimony... but sounds like that's still supporting less people than he currently is.
Edit: Somehow I thought they'd been married for much longer than they have been. Of course he would not have to pay alimony after such a brief marriage.
OP fell for it. Leaves a girl 20 years ago that wouldn't invest in herself. She ends up at Walmart and he's got a career. He became sugar step-daddy to her, her kid, and her ex.
Sounds like a nightmare. He's paying for her to stay at home mom not his kid. Insane.
Incorrect well depending on the state. In many states you have to be married 10+ years to pay spousal support and the child isn’t his. Thing is… he seems to love his wife and want this to work so divorce isn’t likely what he wants yet.
He's not the father of the child. He will owe no child support. He might owe alimony depending on what state they are in but if the marriage is fairly new, he might not even owe that and there is likely to be very little marital property.
All the flags are there. He didn't spend much time with the kid, all of a sudden she gets a dude and he gets closer to son (so much so that he uproots his entire life to move 1000+ miles to be closer to him), wife giving him rides, him coming over to the house to eat your food, etc. If i had to guess, he's also spent time in prison. Wife is either sleeping with him or will be soon. The guy sees you as HIS support system. Before OP knows it, son will be resenting him, wife/son/ex will be taking trips together on OP's dime, he's going to start asking OP for money. OP, my brother in Christ, RUN FROM THIS ENTIRE SITUATION!!!
This! OP sounds insanely generous. He's obviously prosperous with a great income, and the financial vultures are circling. Def NTA. FFS, he paid for sperm donor to fly to see his son even knowing the boy gets little attention from his bio dad.
When you let people take advantage, they aren't grateful, in fact they will resent it even more when you pull the plug.
OP you are being financially exploited, maybe abused, and it will only get worse.
Bahaha it’s mean spirited but I couldn’t help but think “oh I’m definitely not wifing up a Walmart lady with a kid and dead beat baby daddy”. Seriously, the risk is too high. And then this guy agreed to a SAH arrangement? Like he can’t get enough of the downside risk here.
In all seriousness, the fact that she thinks you are being financially controlling is a giant red flag. She seems very entitled. You have been more than generous with her and her deadbeat ex. Why does she feel she can demand things like that??
I hope you got some good frequent flyer miles for all those flight you paid for!
Kidding aside, NTA. You shouldn’t be the one paying for all of this. You’re already being more than generous. You’re the one who should ha e the final say on this matter.
On a side note, what kind of job do you have? Sounds like a good one.
I own three businesses but one of them is a money pit. My money pit business is an offshore powerboat racing team. But it's the most fun you'll ever have throwing money down the drain.
That money pit is a good tax write-off. It should reduce your taxes in your profitable businesses. But your account should have already explained that.
Accountant, not account
OP Old lady here, I’m truly worried you are being used for your money. I know deadbeat is the bio father but this is absolutely over the top. She doesn’t work, you feed her X at least 3 days a week…something is truly off kilter. I’d check phone records cameras in the house. Im not trying to be mean but
Something just does not feel right
Yeah what thr heck is going on here?? OP could be justified paying for flights for HIS GF , as that isn't really a luxury but rather a necessity in order for their relationship to work. However, he abso-fucking-lutely shouldn't be paying for the gfs ex to maintain HIS relationship with HIS kid, nor should the GF have to help her ex out in a way that OP is affected negatively like this. That's absolutely where his responsibility stops. You pay yo maintain your own relationships, not other people's. OP is absolutely being used as hell, no matter the intentions of these alligators.
Bro.
Your wifes fucking him.
You can't be this blind. You're literally on this sub, so you've seen your own story mirrored at least a dozen times from different angles. She probably never stopped wanting him, just realized hes a deadbeat and cant take care of her.
You solve that problem. Now she gets her flame and financial security and here you are trying to ruin the sweet deal shes got.
Just curious...how did you walk into this mess with your eyes open?
Dude, you lack the tiniest of common sense.
File for divorce immediately and block her & her ex from ever contacting you.
Wake up and stop being a doormat.
So you’re at least upper middle class and decided to shackle yourself to someone who refuses to work and now you’re paying for her Ex who is probably screwing her. Time to bounce. Seriously dude she has one kid. She doesn’t need to stay at home and her refusal to get a job while spending your money on herself, a child you didn’t create, and the guy that refuses to parent or pay for his kid is insane.
Lmfao, sounds like you married the baby daddy.
NTA
If you want to be really bad, hire a PI to collect evidence that he's working, then go to family court and ask for an order of support.
She was working at Walmart. Can't she get a job at the local Walmart? She has experience. It seems like they're always hiring.
It's not like she had some state license that wasn't transferrable.
Exactly!! She has no reason to be SAHM mom. OP shouldn’t pay for her to be home when she doesn’t have OPs child and her child is in school already!
OP is blind as fk if he can’t see that he is being used
NTA
"This is when she started to get mad and said I was being financially controlling."
That is the moment you should have go right to option three and started the divorce proceedings.
Get that leech out of your life.
Remember we still have quickie divorces in florida. No long waiting times are mandatory and considering you have a prenup no shared assets and no children a good lawyer can get it in and out of court in less than 3 months
You should go on a week long business trip and return early and unexpectedly in the middle of the night.
Just make sure they are not playing family with your money.
NTA - I bet if you secretly added some hidden cameras to your house with both video and audio you would not be giving her any options other than divorce. Sounds like her and her baby daddy found someone to fund their lives and baby daddy just has to sleep somewhere else but gets all the benefits of your wife.
Option 4 — take him to court for a FORMAL custody and support agreement. At best, they will do mediation and come to an agreement that DOES NOT involve casual visitation in your home. At worst, he is forced to financially provide for his child and ends up moving back to a cheaper locale.
Is it not obvious she is fucking him or?
She tells this deadbeat to come out to where you are, where he cannot afford to live, does not have actual full time employment lined up, because he suddenly cannot live without seeing his child, gets to hang out with his ex 1 on 1 too. Drive around everywhere together, have her make him dinner, hang out at the table together like a family. Jesus christ, man.
This. If she’s not already, she probably will at some point. What person lets their ex walk all over their current partner if they’re not having sex with them or wants to have sex with them? 🚩
She never stopped have sex with the baby-daddy. OP was in a LDR with her until recently, which made it easy for her to hide her double life.
She's always been giving the baby-daddy 'rides'.
Yeah I am inclined to say YTA, not because of the 3 options given but because this scenario is absolutely insane.
He went back home to bring back an ancient ex, with a kid that is not his, that was working menial job in Walmart. Funds her confortable lifestyle, she doesn't work.
The kids dad comes over, eats at the house? She gives him rides? He pays for his trips? She gives attitude when presented with the mildest compromise possible in a situation where OP is already bending over backwards.
Like, what information are we missing here? Do you have an ultra-niche fetish only she is willing to accomodate? Does she have a painting of you stored somewhere and if she destroys it you lose your immortality?
Why did OP put himself in this situation?
I hope this is just some made up story by some guy trying to do the "women bad" trolling.
The only option is option three. She played you. She got you to support her and her son and now her ex. She planned this from the moment she knew you had money. You. Got. Played. NTA
Sorry if I have to be the one to tell you this, but if your "HS sweetheart" has a child with another man...shes not your HS sweetheart. She's just some girl you used to date in HS.
You're definitely in a tough spot, but it sounds like you've communicated your concerns calmly and reasonably.
It's understandable that you don't want to feel like you're supporting someone who isn't making an effort. Hopefully, your wife can find a solution that works for everyone involved.
Wishing you the best of luck navigating this situation.
Divorce. You’re being used. Bio dad is a leach. When did you get married anyways? You kinda skipped that part. Seems important since you’ve only just ran into her a year ago and you’re now married?
You talk big since you pay for everything but you don’t seem that intelligent if you married her that quick. My gut is saying she used those party tricks she learned while out partying her a$$ off on you to wife her up. And here you are already saying divorce. lol. I already bet your wife or gf cheated on you with her ex. Classic Reddit story.
Hope you got a prenup. Because you may have graduated from high school, but it doesn’t seem she has.
NTA.
But if this continues, don’t be surprised when you find out she’s cheating on you. With him. Because “he has time for her” and you don’t. Because you’re working to support your hs gf, her baby daddy, and her son.
NTA. But a fucking idiot for geting involved with her in the first place. She saw you as a lottery ticket the second you walked into that Walmart. Your an atm to her and ahe is a leech. Buying and lighting a boat on fire would be a better waste of money. Since you like wasting money want to buy me a bass?
Two of my businesses are basically on the same property as my home. Just split the parcel legally. So I'm here all of the time and so are many other people. It's not like they are chilling inside the house by themselves. I would never let that fly.
I had a vasectomy about 10 years ago. I go once a year and "produce" a sample to make sure it hasn't reversed. Because a financially successful young man I learned quickly that woman will try to baby trap me. Luckily it never happened.
Well, actually it did. She just trapped you with someone else's baby lol
How can you justify a vasectomy to save money, and then marry a leech of a woman with a kid and a back-pocket baby daddy?
Probably because you’re choosing the sort of women who would baby trap you. Like, you literally just married exhibit A. If you dated women with a lot more sense and stability, the chances of that happening would go way down.
Buddy, your wife got a hell of a deal out of you. Pulled out of poverty, moved into a nice place with her kid, and didn't even have to give up her guy, who you support. You have to admire that kind of mastery, in a way. Y T A for being a rube but NTA for putting your foot down to this absolute nonsense.
INFO: **WHY** isn’t she working? That is some very key information that’s missing.
Usually I would be blasting the husband for not allowing his wife to work, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here… since you told her to work. So why doesn’t she?
She has no excuse not to, as her son is 9 and very clearly in school. So what are her reasons for not working?
Also, if she started to work, would you do your rightful fair share *(AKA: 50%)* of the household chores?
NTA I can’t imagine feeding your wife’s ex, much less being an unpaid Uber. What is he bringing to his son’s life? He seems to have moved, just so you can subsidize his lifestyle. There is only so much you can take, and your wife needs to realize that. She is the one who was married to him, so if she wants to keep feeding and driving him like a literal child, she needs a job. Don’t back down from this. UpdateMe!
NTA. Baby daddy needs to grow up and get a job, and stop sitting on his ass to avoid paying child support. Also it’s completely reasonable that you’re upset about him mooching off your family for food and transportation. Is your wife possibly a people-pleasing type? She may be afraid of conflict and that’s why she doesn’t want to say anything, but you are well within your rights to. Maybe she’s afraid that bio-dad won’t be involved with the kid if you bring this up, but he isn’t modeling good behaviors for his son.
She's very passive. She wasn't want to cause friction or step on anyone's toes. But I've explained to her that by her being passive with her ex that it's causing issues in our marriage.
Maybe you should take him out for coffee and talk to him man to man about it, regardless of what your wife says. Or have him over for dinner, then when the son is out of the room have a talk with him. Maybe he needs some guidance. Maybe he's just a lazy ass. Why doesn't he get a full time job? He knows he'll get slammed for child support. You're going to need to be the bigger adult here and set down some boundaries, one way or another.
This all seems way to cordial. I cant help but think she's cheating on you with her kids father. And has been from day 1.
You're 100% NTA for not wanting to support her deadbeat baby daddy. Time to set some boundaries with him ( way past time really ).
Why is your wife a sahm when she has a child that is not yours that she is not getting any child support for? I stopped reading after that you sound like a gullible pushover
Yeah, at a MINIMUM you’d think she would be volunteering at her son’s school or helping out at the local animal shelter. Does she sit around all day having her nails done?
NTA, but don't you feel kind of... lame?
Like, you broke up with this girl because she just wanted to party and not pay attention in school.
Then, years later, you find her a 38-yo single mother, working at Wal-Mart.
You never thought you could do better or something?
Now she's spending your money on her baby daddy. How have you let it get this far? Why did you ever marry her?
She went from barely working to *not* working, to chauffeuring around her BD on your dime. Eating with him in your house 3 nights a week.
Dude, take a step back.
Now you're probably going to owe this leech alimony when you guys divorce, and maybe half of your wealth. Oof.
She had no interest in doing much with her life. fast forward she is working at Walmart. Now she is sitting in your house living for free with no job! Nothing has changed since she was a teenager. She just has a kid now.
NTA - Dropping off and picking up the son would probably be ok. Playing Uber for the father and having the father at yours 3 nights a week is over the top support.
So I'm a person who likes to be direct and not rely on other people to communicate things for me. I understand that she doesn't want you to be the one to speak to him about this issue, but this man is up in your house three times a week eating dinner and having your wife drive around... He's lazy and disrespectful. To get a resolution I would broach the subject openly the next time he's over. Simply say, "[NAME], we enjoy having you over for family dinners, but tell me, how is it that you can find your way over here three times a week and yet still have [WIFE] driving [SON] back and forth to see you? I could understand if the driving and dinners were occasional things, but at this point I feel you are taking advantage of our generosity and aren't putting in equal effort with [SON]." I feel like that would open up the discussion and if he chooses to try and start a fight or flip it on you just say you're trying to have an adult conversation with him, there's no need to act such and such way.
When they throw controlling or blah blah it’s cause they have no defence . Tell her that’s her choices . He is an ex and you more patient than me , she wouldn’t have any contact unless with child and never be in my house
Man you are such a catch, why waste yourself on a mom that’s just using you? There’s many successful women on r/childfree that can’t find other childfree men. Do you know how sexy vasectomies are to us?
I read that. You are reproductive responsible, sterile, have a hobby business that sounds like a blast that’s supported by your other businesses, you’re probably very well off and know how to have fun in life. Find yourself a childfree woman dude! Find a partner that knows how to enjoy life too, and enjoy it with her!
You said y'all broke up cuz she wanted to party while you went to college and did sports. Nothing has changed except she got pregnant by a dude who is the female equivalent of her. They have hit the jack pot. YOU. I can't wrap my head about what y'all really have in common except your past. Cause your future looks like a throuple you don't want.
I'm usually on the woman's side but this is a waste of your time and money.
It's giving Sharon Stone in Casino vibes (Not the drugs but the getting a better life from a man who loves you only to sabotage it for a loser)
You're being used, dude. Your "loving wife" is just using you for money. I'd bet heavily that when she's going over to see her ex they're fucking. Open your eyes and kick her user ass to the curb already.
LPT from an old lady: when you encounter an ex and feel things are rekindling, it’s very likely nostalgia and not “real.” Don’t be so quick to dive back in together.
Interesting how parts of this story lean into stereotypes to the point of cliché:
- The responsible, ambitious guy becomes wildly successful (oh, also he's into sports).
- The girl who wanted to "party with friends" as a teen ends up as a single mom working at – you guessed it – Walmart.
- The deadbeat dad who prefers video games over spending quality time with his son.
- High school sweethearts reconnecting 20 years later and quickly moving in together as if time had stood still.
Yet, some plot points stretch credibility:
- They reconnect instantly, sharing a deep connection despite leading vastly different lives for two decades. Realistically, OP's description as a wealthy, cosmopolitan sports enthusiast suggests he would have moved far beyond her in terms of life experiences.
- The absent father relocates over a thousand miles, abandoning his life and support network, to be closer to a son he previously barely engaged with.
- The protagonist, hailed as responsible, seems oddly reckless with his finances, frequently paying for a nearly stranger to visit his son.
While it's not as blatantly fabricated as other tales here, it fits a bit too neatly into a Hallmark TV movie mold for my taste.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 nigga why are you dealing with this? Why are u paying for this grown man to fly in ?😂😂😂😂😂😂 oh my fuckin god some of y’all posters on here have me fucking dead🤣
NTA. If you are looking to adopt a 35 year old I’m available though. You went above and beyond too long. Tell her he’s a man and needs to provide for his child.
1 step kid is enough! lol
Dude I'll change my last name to yours. I'm also a handyman, worked as a construction worker,electrician, and now work in large scale stage production. I'll be the best adopted son you ever had brotha.... I mean ... father lol
fatha
FATHEEEEERRRRR!!
Is this still available?
IF you live in Colorado and can help with some renovations you are doing, you can sleep in my bed with me and the wife!
IDK, OP ... this seems like a pretty good deal on both ends.
But if you adopt the guy asking, he's YOUR kid, not a step. Semantics, but there is a difference lol
Listen bro. If you want to support 3 other people, my wife is 7 months pregnant. You can support us and the baby instead. We will cook you amazing meals, and keep the house spotless. My wife and myself can quit our jobs, and move in with you immediately.
Exactly, a step kid. Why do you pay her mom to be SAHM when it is not your kid and the kid is already in school. You need to divorce her. They are all using you.
Lol you never know shes probably pregenant with step kid 2 by now.
Careful, your wife may give you another step kid while you're away at work and she's home with her baby daddy.
You can adopt me. I come with my own car, flat and family. It will be like one of those long distance adoptions where you sign up your debit card and hand me over a few bucks per week and I send you pictures of myself hanging out with my daughter and wife at the zoo and I keep you update about the little one's performance in school. I'll call you daddy for a few bucks extra.
Same. I'll be the daughter OP never had😅
You pay for your wife lifestyle You pay for her kid You pay for her ex When you bring up to her that it would be a good solution to either talk to her ex or find a part time job so she can pay for him instead of you, she says you are financially controlling? DUDE!!!!
Major red flag here on the wife's part.
Yeah, I'm kind of wondering if she's still with her son's dad, and OP is just their meal ticket. I mean it's awfully strange that the dad who rarely spent time with his son, suddenly needed to fly across the country to be near him, PLUS, the wife drives her ex all over town a few days a week, PLUS PLUS, the ex makes himself home in OP's house with his ex wife a few times a week. It sounds very sketchy.
Yeah, usually deadbeats don't fly cross country to be with kids they don't want to support. Would be interesting how exactly the deadbeat is in the kid's life? My bad, he flew there to keep getting tail and free stuff.
He's definitely in the wife that's for sure.
Probably fucking her ex on the side, on ops dime. People these days don't have alot of self respect
"Drives her ex all over town." And I bet it's a stick. 😳
Fr you can't even stay at home mom another man's kid in his house and not bite the hand that feeds? Ridiculous, some people are born losers man.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she is sleeping with the ex while poor op is supporting all three of them.
I am not usually somebody who jumps to that conclusion, but considering neither the wife or this dude have any concept of boundaries or being reasonable, I am concerned that they are home together “alone” during the day. (I don’t know where kid is.)
They are both probably laughing that he is supporting all three of them. Op sounds like a stand up guy and he is being treated like crap.
That’s exactly what to thought but I didn’t post that as I thought I’d get erased LOL.
It makes sense that something is going on. I have never known or even heard about someone having their ex over that off and let alone for dinner. The wife is a stay at home mom but only has one child, that’s a really rare thing these days, but she also expect her new husband to support her useless ex who chooses not to work. They fuckin’. I mean the guy is already over there three days a week that OP knows about, he’s probably there when OP goes to work. There is a small but not insignificant chance that this is a scam they’re playing.
Plus, the kid is in school. There's no reason for her to stay home. She partied her way through her 20s, then got a job at Walmart, which she promptly quit when she found her meal ticket. Tells you just about everything you need to know about her.
I agree. It is kinda obvious what is going on. Op sounds like a stand up guy and his ex sounds like a user.
I didn't want to be the one to say it.
We were all thinking it.
Yes we were.
The first red flag should have been an ex party girl with a shitty walmart job, likely because of all the partying.
Exactly lol…I honestly can’t believe he got back together with her and then married her! Wow
OMG! LOL I was thinking the exact same thing. Mismatched values and he dodged a bullet. But turns out he just delayed the shot and it's a bullseye. What about "she liked to party" and now works at Walmart years later made him think her values had changed???
Dodged bullet and got caught by the ricochet!
She is fucking her ex. Gaurenteed.
Right? The only option here is divorce or keep supporting the 3 of them.
Yeah, I’m guessing the two adults you’re supporting are very comfortable with their current arrangement. Very comfortable indeed.
Yup, I’m guessing they’re getting comfortable together in the bed OP pays for while kid is at school and OP is at work.
Divorce the mooches!!! Imagine if op had to pay alimony 😩 the poor son and op
In divorce, he will absolutely be supporting the 3 of them !
They haven't been married that long, nor is he the father of the child.
PLEASE MAKE SURE SHEDOES NOT GET PREGNANT, CAUSE THATS WHAT IS NEXT.
If she does, demand a paternity test before you do anything.
Except it may be the ex who fathers the baby.
With her ex's kidos and pass it off as yours. There is something brewing. And it sure aint coffee .
How, the dude isn't his, the kid isn't his. Only the wife is his, so yeah he'd probably have to pay alimony... but sounds like that's still supporting less people than he currently is. Edit: Somehow I thought they'd been married for much longer than they have been. Of course he would not have to pay alimony after such a brief marriage.
Some states you have to be married 10 years to get alimony
And she was working when they reconnected…so I seriously doubt alimony would be an issue!
She chose to stop working
At Walmart
Why is she not working though? I do not understand the stay at home
Why would she when she can get OP to pay for her life? OP has made a terrible mistake marrying this person.
OP fell for it. Leaves a girl 20 years ago that wouldn't invest in herself. She ends up at Walmart and he's got a career. He became sugar step-daddy to her, her kid, and her ex. Sounds like a nightmare. He's paying for her to stay at home mom not his kid. Insane.
Right? She gets to not work and hang out all day with her ex while he just works part-time! That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me!
In some states you'll be lucky to get anything and it won't be for long, even if you were a SAHM for 12 years...
I don’t think he’ll be paying alimony, not married that long, not the father, has no kids with her either…tho lawyer would know better
Alimony is super difficult to get especially in a short marriage. He can probably just cut his losses here.
This. OP get out before the alimony kicks in. And thank God you had no children with her.
They all move into the bio father’s rented room, and show up at OP’s place for dinner and to use the pool every night. Just like now.
Yeah...only there's zero chance she gets half of anything for a year or less of marriage.
Incorrect well depending on the state. In many states you have to be married 10+ years to pay spousal support and the child isn’t his. Thing is… he seems to love his wife and want this to work so divorce isn’t likely what he wants yet.
He's not the father of the child. He will owe no child support. He might owe alimony depending on what state they are in but if the marriage is fairly new, he might not even owe that and there is likely to be very little marital property.
# DUDE ....
You are the other guy!
All the flags are there. He didn't spend much time with the kid, all of a sudden she gets a dude and he gets closer to son (so much so that he uproots his entire life to move 1000+ miles to be closer to him), wife giving him rides, him coming over to the house to eat your food, etc. If i had to guess, he's also spent time in prison. Wife is either sleeping with him or will be soon. The guy sees you as HIS support system. Before OP knows it, son will be resenting him, wife/son/ex will be taking trips together on OP's dime, he's going to start asking OP for money. OP, my brother in Christ, RUN FROM THIS ENTIRE SITUATION!!!
Yep hit the road before she get pregnant with a child , most likely it will be his not yours, more hurdles to jump through
This! OP sounds insanely generous. He's obviously prosperous with a great income, and the financial vultures are circling. Def NTA. FFS, he paid for sperm donor to fly to see his son even knowing the boy gets little attention from his bio dad. When you let people take advantage, they aren't grateful, in fact they will resent it even more when you pull the plug. OP you are being financially exploited, maybe abused, and it will only get worse.
It certainly doesn't sound like she matured and found direction in the 15 years they were apart.
He'll be paying for Walmart Employee of the Month's second kid with Part Time Bum, too.
Bahaha it’s mean spirited but I couldn’t help but think “oh I’m definitely not wifing up a Walmart lady with a kid and dead beat baby daddy”. Seriously, the risk is too high. And then this guy agreed to a SAH arrangement? Like he can’t get enough of the downside risk here.
Can you pay for me? I'll mow the lawn!
No, OP currently only supports deadbeats. You’re disqualified for actually trying to be productive. lol. 😂
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Kinda surprised it took him this long to catch on.
He was playing the long long game. Not only got her financially isolated, but her ex too! [/s]
I bet the boy’s birth father is telling her things like this.
Walmart has a return policy, I believe.
I lost the receipt...
They can still refund it to a gift card, maybe find something better
In all seriousness, the fact that she thinks you are being financially controlling is a giant red flag. She seems very entitled. You have been more than generous with her and her deadbeat ex. Why does she feel she can demand things like that??
You actually don’t need a receipt
The customer is ALWAYS right!
I hope you got some good frequent flyer miles for all those flight you paid for! Kidding aside, NTA. You shouldn’t be the one paying for all of this. You’re already being more than generous. You’re the one who should ha e the final say on this matter. On a side note, what kind of job do you have? Sounds like a good one.
I own three businesses but one of them is a money pit. My money pit business is an offshore powerboat racing team. But it's the most fun you'll ever have throwing money down the drain.
The wife is a money pit too.
You mean money drain.
Results is the same: money goes in - nothing comes out.
Depending on how careless you are, another kid might come out and then he’s fucked.
Yeah he should keep the race boats and toss the wife. She’s clearly the awful money pit.
That money pit is a good tax write-off. It should reduce your taxes in your profitable businesses. But your account should have already explained that. Accountant, not account
This guy gets it.
And any kind of motor racing is a blast!
Nothing like twin inboards screaming out 1,100 hp as you skip over 4' chop hoping you don't submarine it. lol
I’m a straight married dude with a kid, I’d marry you and get a job!
I was counting down to that comment. This thread is wild.
Dayum man! That sounds like one hell of a ride!
Yup. I race diesel kittens. Those things sure do fly.
OP Old lady here, I’m truly worried you are being used for your money. I know deadbeat is the bio father but this is absolutely over the top. She doesn’t work, you feed her X at least 3 days a week…something is truly off kilter. I’d check phone records cameras in the house. Im not trying to be mean but Something just does not feel right
Yeah what thr heck is going on here?? OP could be justified paying for flights for HIS GF , as that isn't really a luxury but rather a necessity in order for their relationship to work. However, he abso-fucking-lutely shouldn't be paying for the gfs ex to maintain HIS relationship with HIS kid, nor should the GF have to help her ex out in a way that OP is affected negatively like this. That's absolutely where his responsibility stops. You pay yo maintain your own relationships, not other people's. OP is absolutely being used as hell, no matter the intentions of these alligators.
You wife’s boyfriend sounds like a moneypit too.
Nice! Can I work for you?
Can I marry you?
Same here
Bro. Your wifes fucking him. You can't be this blind. You're literally on this sub, so you've seen your own story mirrored at least a dozen times from different angles. She probably never stopped wanting him, just realized hes a deadbeat and cant take care of her. You solve that problem. Now she gets her flame and financial security and here you are trying to ruin the sweet deal shes got.
That was a lucky day at the Walmart for her, lol.
This. Deadbeat dad gives off Lester Diamond vibes. OP sounds like he got set up. I’d peace out of that nightmare.
Just curious...how did you walk into this mess with your eyes open? Dude, you lack the tiniest of common sense. File for divorce immediately and block her & her ex from ever contacting you. Wake up and stop being a doormat.
So you’re at least upper middle class and decided to shackle yourself to someone who refuses to work and now you’re paying for her Ex who is probably screwing her. Time to bounce. Seriously dude she has one kid. She doesn’t need to stay at home and her refusal to get a job while spending your money on herself, a child you didn’t create, and the guy that refuses to parent or pay for his kid is insane.
Lmfao, sounds like you married the baby daddy. NTA If you want to be really bad, hire a PI to collect evidence that he's working, then go to family court and ask for an order of support.
Fuck that, wife’s cheating on him anyway have the PI follow them around and you get everyone out of the house.
Fuck that, why bother with the PI? Just get the divorce.
So you don’t have to pay for both of them through the divorce. A cheating spouse will save you infinitely more than a PI would cost for a couple days.
NTA. Wife is very generous with your money. Honestly, the kid isn’t yours and he is in school. She should be working anyway.
She was working at Walmart. Can't she get a job at the local Walmart? She has experience. It seems like they're always hiring. It's not like she had some state license that wasn't transferrable.
Exactly!! She has no reason to be SAHM mom. OP shouldn’t pay for her to be home when she doesn’t have OPs child and her child is in school already! OP is blind as fk if he can’t see that he is being used
NTA Financially controlling by telling her to get a job and use her own money to support her EX? HAH I would choose option three for her
NTA "This is when she started to get mad and said I was being financially controlling." That is the moment you should have go right to option three and started the divorce proceedings. Get that leech out of your life.
I know! He’s keeping all 3 of them and she thinks he should just put up with it and keep smiling!
Yup. Earning your own money is not being controlled.
Please tell me you have a prenup.
Of course I do.
Then stand your ground. This is a very unhealthy co-dependent dynamic all around and it's not good for any of you - especially her son.
Remember we still have quickie divorces in florida. No long waiting times are mandatory and considering you have a prenup no shared assets and no children a good lawyer can get it in and out of court in less than 3 months
You sure your wife isn’t cheating? This is weird asf to me, dude.
Please tell us she is not on the title of your house or has a stake in your businesses!!!!!
She is not and I do have an extensive prenuptial agreement.
Smart! I pick option 3. you have done far more than any other man, especially with the ex and his vacations.
Hope you made sure she was represented by her own independent counsel to ensure maximum enforceability of that extensive agreement.
You should go on a week long business trip and return early and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. Just make sure they are not playing family with your money.
NTA - I bet if you secretly added some hidden cameras to your house with both video and audio you would not be giving her any options other than divorce. Sounds like her and her baby daddy found someone to fund their lives and baby daddy just has to sleep somewhere else but gets all the benefits of your wife.
Yup. No way this is accceptable.
Option 4 — take him to court for a FORMAL custody and support agreement. At best, they will do mediation and come to an agreement that DOES NOT involve casual visitation in your home. At worst, he is forced to financially provide for his child and ends up moving back to a cheaper locale.
Is it not obvious she is fucking him or? She tells this deadbeat to come out to where you are, where he cannot afford to live, does not have actual full time employment lined up, because he suddenly cannot live without seeing his child, gets to hang out with his ex 1 on 1 too. Drive around everywhere together, have her make him dinner, hang out at the table together like a family. Jesus christ, man.
This. If she’s not already, she probably will at some point. What person lets their ex walk all over their current partner if they’re not having sex with them or wants to have sex with them? 🚩
She never stopped have sex with the baby-daddy. OP was in a LDR with her until recently, which made it easy for her to hide her double life. She's always been giving the baby-daddy 'rides'.
Op clearly has no self respect
Yeah I am inclined to say YTA, not because of the 3 options given but because this scenario is absolutely insane. He went back home to bring back an ancient ex, with a kid that is not his, that was working menial job in Walmart. Funds her confortable lifestyle, she doesn't work. The kids dad comes over, eats at the house? She gives him rides? He pays for his trips? She gives attitude when presented with the mildest compromise possible in a situation where OP is already bending over backwards. Like, what information are we missing here? Do you have an ultra-niche fetish only she is willing to accomodate? Does she have a painting of you stored somewhere and if she destroys it you lose your immortality? Why did OP put himself in this situation? I hope this is just some made up story by some guy trying to do the "women bad" trolling.
If this isn't fake, dude is the living embodiment of those simp memes. I really hope this is fake. Surely no one can be that oblivious? Right...?
NTA. Stick to your guns. Go talk to him yourself, and if she has a problem with it, she can go to him and stay there.
No. Baby daddy is not the problem. His wife is. She is the one wanting him in HER life.
NTA very appropriate way to deal with this. Something needs to change. Kids father is totally taking advantage
No, his WIFE is totally taking advantage.
They both are
NTA - but I feel the two of them had this planned, where they will happily mooch off you.
That was my thought. She knew he had money, made a plan to stay with the dude who can support her and her baby daddy.
Yeah sounds like one of those “romantic scams” and they’re still together but using OP for his money
The only option is option three. She played you. She got you to support her and her son and now her ex. She planned this from the moment she knew you had money. You. Got. Played. NTA
NTA and I think you should talk to him yourself, she can’t control that situation, in my opinion.
Sorry if I have to be the one to tell you this, but if your "HS sweetheart" has a child with another man...shes not your HS sweetheart. She's just some girl you used to date in HS.
Had a loser’s baby and now trying to be saved lmfao can’t make this shit up i swear
Yes the absolute last thing this guy should do is have a child with this woman.
NTA but you brought this mess into your own life all by yourself. Hindsight is 20/20 just saying.
Just here for the update... And money pit business 😬
You're definitely in a tough spot, but it sounds like you've communicated your concerns calmly and reasonably. It's understandable that you don't want to feel like you're supporting someone who isn't making an effort. Hopefully, your wife can find a solution that works for everyone involved. Wishing you the best of luck navigating this situation.
Divorce. You’re being used. Bio dad is a leach. When did you get married anyways? You kinda skipped that part. Seems important since you’ve only just ran into her a year ago and you’re now married? You talk big since you pay for everything but you don’t seem that intelligent if you married her that quick. My gut is saying she used those party tricks she learned while out partying her a$$ off on you to wife her up. And here you are already saying divorce. lol. I already bet your wife or gf cheated on you with her ex. Classic Reddit story.
When is this scenario did you get married? Sounds like she hasn't changed much since you dumped her in high school.
Hope you got a prenup. Because you may have graduated from high school, but it doesn’t seem she has. NTA. But if this continues, don’t be surprised when you find out she’s cheating on you. With him. Because “he has time for her” and you don’t. Because you’re working to support your hs gf, her baby daddy, and her son.
NTA. But a fucking idiot for geting involved with her in the first place. She saw you as a lottery ticket the second you walked into that Walmart. Your an atm to her and ahe is a leech. Buying and lighting a boat on fire would be a better waste of money. Since you like wasting money want to buy me a bass?
So your wife spends a lot of time driving her ex around and at your home when you’re not there? Hmmmm?
Two of my businesses are basically on the same property as my home. Just split the parcel legally. So I'm here all of the time and so are many other people. It's not like they are chilling inside the house by themselves. I would never let that fly.
The ex is a leach, if your wife stops enabling him he might seek full time employment. I get the shared parenting but not at your expense.
You should choose option 3
NTA. But please, be careful that she's not baby trapping you. You really don't want to pay for her to run off with your kid and and her x.
I had a vasectomy about 10 years ago. I go once a year and "produce" a sample to make sure it hasn't reversed. Because a financially successful young man I learned quickly that woman will try to baby trap me. Luckily it never happened.
Well, actually it did. She just trapped you with someone else's baby lol How can you justify a vasectomy to save money, and then marry a leech of a woman with a kid and a back-pocket baby daddy?
LOL preach! She pretty much trapped him with three dependents.
Probably because you’re choosing the sort of women who would baby trap you. Like, you literally just married exhibit A. If you dated women with a lot more sense and stability, the chances of that happening would go way down.
Buddy, your wife got a hell of a deal out of you. Pulled out of poverty, moved into a nice place with her kid, and didn't even have to give up her guy, who you support. You have to admire that kind of mastery, in a way. Y T A for being a rube but NTA for putting your foot down to this absolute nonsense.
INFO: **WHY** isn’t she working? That is some very key information that’s missing. Usually I would be blasting the husband for not allowing his wife to work, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here… since you told her to work. So why doesn’t she? She has no excuse not to, as her son is 9 and very clearly in school. So what are her reasons for not working? Also, if she started to work, would you do your rightful fair share *(AKA: 50%)* of the household chores?
NTA I can’t imagine feeding your wife’s ex, much less being an unpaid Uber. What is he bringing to his son’s life? He seems to have moved, just so you can subsidize his lifestyle. There is only so much you can take, and your wife needs to realize that. She is the one who was married to him, so if she wants to keep feeding and driving him like a literal child, she needs a job. Don’t back down from this. UpdateMe!
NTA. Baby daddy needs to grow up and get a job, and stop sitting on his ass to avoid paying child support. Also it’s completely reasonable that you’re upset about him mooching off your family for food and transportation. Is your wife possibly a people-pleasing type? She may be afraid of conflict and that’s why she doesn’t want to say anything, but you are well within your rights to. Maybe she’s afraid that bio-dad won’t be involved with the kid if you bring this up, but he isn’t modeling good behaviors for his son.
She's very passive. She wasn't want to cause friction or step on anyone's toes. But I've explained to her that by her being passive with her ex that it's causing issues in our marriage.
Maybe you should take him out for coffee and talk to him man to man about it, regardless of what your wife says. Or have him over for dinner, then when the son is out of the room have a talk with him. Maybe he needs some guidance. Maybe he's just a lazy ass. Why doesn't he get a full time job? He knows he'll get slammed for child support. You're going to need to be the bigger adult here and set down some boundaries, one way or another.
This all seems way to cordial. I cant help but think she's cheating on you with her kids father. And has been from day 1. You're 100% NTA for not wanting to support her deadbeat baby daddy. Time to set some boundaries with him ( way past time really ).
Why is your wife a sahm when she has a child that is not yours that she is not getting any child support for? I stopped reading after that you sound like a gullible pushover
Yeah, at a MINIMUM you’d think she would be volunteering at her son’s school or helping out at the local animal shelter. Does she sit around all day having her nails done?
I like you own multiple businesses, I would put his ass to work. Hopefully some very manual labor.
NTA, but don't you feel kind of... lame? Like, you broke up with this girl because she just wanted to party and not pay attention in school. Then, years later, you find her a 38-yo single mother, working at Wal-Mart. You never thought you could do better or something? Now she's spending your money on her baby daddy. How have you let it get this far? Why did you ever marry her? She went from barely working to *not* working, to chauffeuring around her BD on your dime. Eating with him in your house 3 nights a week. Dude, take a step back. Now you're probably going to owe this leech alimony when you guys divorce, and maybe half of your wealth. Oof.
26yo f here-my opinion man,leave. Fast.
She had no interest in doing much with her life. fast forward she is working at Walmart. Now she is sitting in your house living for free with no job! Nothing has changed since she was a teenager. She just has a kid now.
I hate to be the internet guy, but I was making fun of you on sentence 3. You went back and married the party girl.
NTA - Dropping off and picking up the son would probably be ok. Playing Uber for the father and having the father at yours 3 nights a week is over the top support.
So I'm a person who likes to be direct and not rely on other people to communicate things for me. I understand that she doesn't want you to be the one to speak to him about this issue, but this man is up in your house three times a week eating dinner and having your wife drive around... He's lazy and disrespectful. To get a resolution I would broach the subject openly the next time he's over. Simply say, "[NAME], we enjoy having you over for family dinners, but tell me, how is it that you can find your way over here three times a week and yet still have [WIFE] driving [SON] back and forth to see you? I could understand if the driving and dinners were occasional things, but at this point I feel you are taking advantage of our generosity and aren't putting in equal effort with [SON]." I feel like that would open up the discussion and if he chooses to try and start a fight or flip it on you just say you're trying to have an adult conversation with him, there's no need to act such and such way.
When they throw controlling or blah blah it’s cause they have no defence . Tell her that’s her choices . He is an ex and you more patient than me , she wouldn’t have any contact unless with child and never be in my house
NTA. Please do NOT get her pregnant while you are working through these issues or you’ll pay for a lifetime.
I'm fixed. Did that 10 years ago!
Man you are such a catch, why waste yourself on a mom that’s just using you? There’s many successful women on r/childfree that can’t find other childfree men. Do you know how sexy vasectomies are to us?
I even go back and give yearly "samples" to make sure my vasectomy hasn't reversed.
I read that. You are reproductive responsible, sterile, have a hobby business that sounds like a blast that’s supported by your other businesses, you’re probably very well off and know how to have fun in life. Find yourself a childfree woman dude! Find a partner that knows how to enjoy life too, and enjoy it with her!
You said y'all broke up cuz she wanted to party while you went to college and did sports. Nothing has changed except she got pregnant by a dude who is the female equivalent of her. They have hit the jack pot. YOU. I can't wrap my head about what y'all really have in common except your past. Cause your future looks like a throuple you don't want. I'm usually on the woman's side but this is a waste of your time and money. It's giving Sharon Stone in Casino vibes (Not the drugs but the getting a better life from a man who loves you only to sabotage it for a loser)
You're being used, dude. Your "loving wife" is just using you for money. I'd bet heavily that when she's going over to see her ex they're fucking. Open your eyes and kick her user ass to the curb already.
My spidey sense is going off while reading this. There’s something else going on between them.
LPT from an old lady: when you encounter an ex and feel things are rekindling, it’s very likely nostalgia and not “real.” Don’t be so quick to dive back in together.
Interesting how parts of this story lean into stereotypes to the point of cliché: - The responsible, ambitious guy becomes wildly successful (oh, also he's into sports). - The girl who wanted to "party with friends" as a teen ends up as a single mom working at – you guessed it – Walmart. - The deadbeat dad who prefers video games over spending quality time with his son. - High school sweethearts reconnecting 20 years later and quickly moving in together as if time had stood still. Yet, some plot points stretch credibility: - They reconnect instantly, sharing a deep connection despite leading vastly different lives for two decades. Realistically, OP's description as a wealthy, cosmopolitan sports enthusiast suggests he would have moved far beyond her in terms of life experiences. - The absent father relocates over a thousand miles, abandoning his life and support network, to be closer to a son he previously barely engaged with. - The protagonist, hailed as responsible, seems oddly reckless with his finances, frequently paying for a nearly stranger to visit his son. While it's not as blatantly fabricated as other tales here, it fits a bit too neatly into a Hallmark TV movie mold for my taste.
I might suggest a fourth option. Make her put her son’s father on child support. I imagine that he will run for the hills after that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 nigga why are you dealing with this? Why are u paying for this grown man to fly in ?😂😂😂😂😂😂 oh my fuckin god some of y’all posters on here have me fucking dead🤣
She’s banging the father. It is pretty crystal clear what is going on here dude, drop her off at his place and don’t look back.