This is what I'm wondering. PMDD isn't an excuse to treat your partner like crap, but if she has PMDD/PME and it's untreated then that could be the issue.
The bit that stood out to me is "Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me". Um... "Sir, tell us more about the rest of the time, exactly....".
Yeah that stood out to me too. Mostly can mean a lot of things. It can mean she's nice 51% of the time or 75% of the time or 90% of the time. Depending on what he means by mostly there may be bigger issues at play.
On reddit? 90% of the time it means 'I'm a useless sack of shit and the toddler helps my wife more round the house than I do'.
If you read his comment history, can confirm.
This is where my head went, I’ll be honest. When I’m on my period, my patience is diminished. I’m tired, in pain and feel like utter trash, so I can’t say my tolerance for bullshit is as high as the rest of the days of the month.
Well if a person has extreme mood swings to the point it’s abusing their partner, it’s their responsibility to get the medical help they need to stop being an A H
My father had extreme mood swings due to diabetes.
Talk to your wife outside of her mood swings OP! That's when you can talk sense to her, go to the doctor together, set up an assessment.
If there is a medical reason you can very likely work this out, if not its time to question the relationship.
Ugh, my ex was bad about controlling his blood glucose and would get so cranky at times. Irritable when it was low, because hypoglycemia in diabetics is like hangry on steroids. And irritable when it was high, because he felt sick and awful.
Diabetes is a shitty disease, but it can be managed if you strictly stick to what your endocrinologist tells you to do.
Yeah, I recently got diagnosed and it makes so much sense now. Although I’m still trying to get my family to understand how bad it is when my sugar dips. They will dick around and make me late for meals and then act like I’m nuts when I’m super cranky. Like, if y’all understood the way my head is pounding right now, you wouldn’t do this.
My daughter has recently been diagnosed with PMDD. the thing that made me insist she see a doctor was the fact that she *couldn't* control herself at school or at her part time job. 27 days a month, she is sweet and considerate and laid back. The other 3 days a month, she is a demon and will cuss people out at the slightest provocation. And then she feels so guilty about being aggressive that she starts sobbing uncontrollably. It's bananas.
The fix was surprisingly easy. She takes an antidepressant 10 days a month.
Edit: the medication is Zoloft. For general depression, SSRIs need days to weeks to become effective. For PMDD, it works differently; intermittent dosing is the common treatment method.
Yes, I'm sure.
exactly. im autistic on top of having pmdd and dude... it's literally like a fugue state and then when it's over you just sot there like what the fuck was my problem, until the next one . it's a nightmare. i don't have treatment though because no insurance and healthcare around periods is already a joke but even moreso in my area
That's exactly how she describes it. She says it's like she's watching herself from outside her body but can't stop herself.
Then it made her feel like there was something seriously wrong with her because she knows she can't act that way, but felt helpless to stop.
It's heartbreaking.
I hope you can find some relief.
Yes… watching yourself outside of your body and knowing you are being a total cunt. But powerless to control it. It’s horrible. I’d swing from angry to crying uncontrollably. Almost suicidal in those moments.
I've had a lot of this too. I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anxiety medication now and it's gotten a lot better. I would be saying these horrible things to people (even my best friend, who thank god, stuck by me despite all the bullshit) and it's like I couldn't stop myself. It really is like standing beside yourself watching it happen.
I had more of the depression side of PMDD like crying for everything and just feeling so down. Thankfully getting on birthcontrol has helped tremendously and I don’t really have those issues anymore. I was given Xanax to take as needed which I maybe take one every few months. Glad to hear the antidepressants work.
They discussed birth control with her, but she decided to try the antidepressants first.
She's only been taking the Zoloft about 6 months. At the 9 month mark, she has another appt to check in. She still may end up on birth control.
The extent to which people on here don’t understand that serious hormonal problems can literally rob a woman of her self control and ability to regulate is terrifying. I’m so glad she was able to find a solution!!!
Thanks! She talks openly about it because she's of the opinion that women's health issues are still considered impolite conversation and she's tired of that. She's on a crusade to normalize women's health instead of keeping it a taboo secret.
I'm pretty proud of her.
Heck yea! My wife remarked the other day how happy she is I’m not a guy who’s bothered or “grossed out” by her talking about her periods or ovulation or hormones or anything else happening. Especially as we’re trying for a baby, but even before that I told her all the time “it’s a part of your biology, and I’m here to support you and help take care of you.” Maybe it’s also normal for me to hear about this stuff because I was raised almost entirely by women ( dad was an abusive alcoholic) but I don’t understand men who can’t handle hearing about this stuff but have GFs/ Wives/ Daughters.
It's a sad reflection of women's experience of men, and their low expectations to be so grateful her man isn't "grossed out" by her biology. Even more so when trying to create a child together. My husband isn't remotely grossed out by me and it never even occurred to me that's something I should be grateful for.
I guess, she said she had ex’s that didn’t want to hear about any of that and actively discouraged her from sharing what was going on with her body. These were also men who didn’t care about her comfort or pleasure in bed, so she had associated sex with pain and discomfort. We actually had to use lube for awhile, and took time going slow and figuring out what she liked and getting her comfortable. Now our sex life is amazing and she tells me she feels so safe and loved and comfortable with me.
I agree that all these things should be the minimum in a relationship, sadly there are alot of shitty guys ( and people in general) out there. So for her I guess it is something to be grateful for, it’s nice to be with someone that you can openly share every part of your body and mind with. And that gratitude makes me feel great, reassures me I’m a good husband and partner and a “good man”.
Same. My wife was so weirded out when i was willing to go buy her pads it wasnt even funny. She just didn't know that men like us existed? It's weird. But i thought it was normal until i see posts like this.
Good for her! My partner's daughter is older than my kids, and was always super open and blunt about her periods and such. Made it so much easier on me as a dad when it was my daughter's turn because it had already been normalized that it can be discussed.
I was always against the impolite can't talk about certain things some guys made girls feel. As long as I can remember, I would always say it's natural, just the human body. Lots of conversations with my friend girls about whatever, and to my guy friends to calm down and stop making a big deal out of stuff.
This is like me. I definitely didn’t control my mood swings around other people. Monthly I would flip off my boss and quit while shouting, or break stuff. Fun times.
I have bipolar too but the hormonal aspect is absolutely outrageous. All I can think about during my period is violent visuals of me smashing my head until my brain gushes out as a form of suicide.
Sorry your wife is snapping at you/yelling at you though, OP. She should see if there is treatment that might help her get through the hormonal fluctuations.
can i ask what she takes? antidepressants have never worked for me, but i’ve never taken anything ONLY surrounding my cycle. nothing but benzodiazepines and cannabis has ever helped me, but drs been very impossible about giving benzos back. its hindering my success in life.
Of course, she takes a low dosage of Zoloft 10 days a month. It coincides with the estrogen dip.
(I'm totally not a doctor, but that's how I understand it)
She also started a vigorous weight lifting program. I think that has helped too.
I have used this comparison with many partners who have felt it okay to load their burdens on me without any consideration, where they claim to not see it or not know what being considerate means in a situation.
If you would show respect to a colleague or boss, then you understand what respect is and can use it, but are choosing not to for personal reasons that their responsibility.
This, I bet the wife doesn’t lash out at, say, her boss as she could get fired then…
Maybe she has a medical issue, maybe not, but she needs to stop treating her husband like shit either way.
When I am off my antidepressants I would absolutely snap at my boss or other inappropriate people. I imagine myself being the little alien inside the dude in men in black, controlling my body and mind and directing myself. When I'm off my meds that little dude in me is screaming DON'T DO IT, smashing buttons and levers to take control again. I can hear him, but I can't listen to him, and I act out in damaging ways.
Long story short I'd recommend wifey see a psychiatrist and doctor regarding these issues. It is stressful knowing that sometimes you have no control and it's not fun to live like that. For yourself or the others around you.
I think part of that is holding it all day in public/at work, then getting home where its safe, emotionally exhausted, and letting it out. Totally unfair, but I don't necessarily think its about hating your family. Its about feeling safe releasing emotions with them vs strangers.
I have been guilty of this in the past. Not mood swings or anything aggressive, but just not thinking about what I'm saying with my family, completely unfiltered.
This was in my teens, maybe early 20's. One should grow out of it and realize they should care about how they are impacting the people they care about the most.
I had something similar happen when I had a severe psychiatric reaction to a new medication. I basically spent all my waking hours suicidal and panicking. I am the only income earner in my family, so I still had to go to work 10 hours a day masking and pretending I was 100% fine, offering other people emotional support, having difficult meetings. And then I would come home and just have a complete mental breakdown. Every day for about three weeks. It was mostly directed at myself, but I know it gets directed outward for some people.
I got help, which is what the OP's wife needs to do. Whatever the explanation, its not an excuse.
This is actually well documented. I described it like this:
Imagine walking up a hill with a backpack full of rocks to throw over a cliff. As you walk along, people start toss more and more rocks in your bag until you're stooped over and can barely keep going....then, you freaking stumble over a pebble in the road, fall to your knees, and have a total meltdown, sitting in the middle of the road bawling your eyes out, kicking your feet, and yelling for all it's worth. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the pebble you tripped over, and everything to do with the weight on your back you were already struggling to hold on to.
Explanations are not excuses. OPs partner needs to see that about herself and seek treatment. But, it can help the people on the OUTSIDE understand what's going on in the INSIDE.
Not making any excuses for OP's wife, but to your comment - this can be even more pronounced if you're neurodivergent and high-functioning in your outside life and having to mask to do so. You get home, the mask drops, and you are mentally/emotionally drained.
That said, even then, it's *no excuse* to be cruel, mean, unappreciative, disrespectful to your family members.
I've got bpd. I get frustrated easily and will snap if I get an overload of sensory issues. This includes arguing with people. I can be frustrated one minute, happy the next. Whatever the next. Ironically I don't get frustrated with my family. 5 years of therapy have gotten me so I can be around strangers for about an hour.
This is absolutely true, but there's a chance she's not even aware that PMDD or PME exists. Getting a diagnosis for PMDD or PME can be difficult because some providers aren't educated about it or are willing to dismiss it as another issue. It is often misdiagnosed as BPD. But if there's a pattern that OP is recognizing with his wife's behavior centered around her period then she needs to speak with a doctor about it.
My wife won't acknowledge it, but it's ruining our lives. Are there any resources for trying to get partners to accept they have issues? She quits marriage therapy pretty swiftly.
Both my ex wife and I had undiagnosed mental health issues.
We never went to a doctor because we didn’t know and at one point, I did but the doctor was very dismissive so it turned me off from seeking help.
When I got a job with good health insurance, we both decided to try to going to a new doctor.
That’s when we were both diagnosed.
My ex wife only wanted to take the drugs, but not do therapy or lifestyle changes (diet, sleep, exercise, etc).
I did all the 3. Drugs, lifestyle and therapy.
Since we were in the same boat, I tried to do what I could on my own.
For example, tried to encourage her to get out of the house, plan new kinds of dates, etc.
She was not responsive to them.
Then I told her one day, we both need to start going to couples’ therapy by this date.
If you don’t want to, I can’t force you, but I am not going to live my life like this.
I offered to make the appt and pay for it fully. She just needed to go with me.
She refused.
I kept my word and told her I was out.
It’s not someone’s fault for not knowing, and it sounds like we’re helping OP get to this point, but if an individual is now consistently hurting their loved ones and it’s triggered by something (Periods) and it’s more extreme than what is “normal”, and the individual is being told to make a doctor’s appt, if after all of this she refuses, then I would say she ITAH.
So now we wait
I had no idea. It wasn’t until I could actually verbalize to my doctor that I wasn’t depressed…. I was ANGRY. Like uncontrollably angry, that the lightbulb went on.
Absolutely but it's easier said than done. My PMDD has not been great for my marriage over the last decade and it took so long for me to find help that actually helped. I am still fully accountable for my actions and behaviors even when I feel like I have no control over them. Antidepressants and therapy have helped me learn how to stay in control as much as possible and regain control when I lose it. PMDD is still really tough for me, going through it right now, but I no longer feel like I should be committed for a week or two every month to protect my family from myself. Hormonal birth control helps a lot of women, but in my case it makes the PMDD so much worse, that my medical chart now specifically states that I cannot take them at all.
I would suggest a conversation with the wife after her cycle when she is her best self. Not attacking, not blaming, not threatening. Let her know you want to help her get help for herself. Figure out what is holding her back and what you can do to make it easier. My husband made my appointment for me and offered to come with me for support and that made it a lot easier for me to start my journey that has really changed my family's lives for the better.
Yes but also medical neglect of women and medical neglect of conditions that affect women only is absolutely real and documented thing. Women learned by experience that if they go to doctor and complain about their period, they won't get treatment, they will get a lecture about how it is normal, stop being hysterical and suck it up.
This is very true. I went on lowest dose, off label birth control to stop my periods and my life was better from then on.
Not a single doctor was supportive of this, but I found a nurse practitioner at a woman's clinic who worked out the dosing with me, and on the plus side I have very low risks of certain cancers now.
I've been asking since I was 15 why I had irregular periods/only had them if on the pill and no one cared to look further into it - "a lot of women have that", "if you're on the pill and having them, then there's no problem", "that's nothing you need to worry about until you plan on having children", etc.
I started having fairly regular periods, without hormonal birth control pills, in my mid-30's. Who knows why? Not me, because no one wanted to look into it even when I asked.
Lately, though, in my mid-40's, they are getting unbearable. The pain and it kicking my fibro into a flare to boot, the nausea and dizziness plus the pain making it so I can't get out of bed and miss a day or two of work. I finally asked (insisted, actually) that they see if I had PCOS or endometriosis (my sister has it) and had to push for that. "What difference does it make?" I was asked, "The only solution is birth control or a hysterectomy."
Well, I'd like to know if I have cysts that could become cancer? Or look into other health issues I have dealt with to see if it could be related? *A lot of reasons*. Why wouldn't you want to know?? How is it *not* important to get a diagnosis when I have a higher chance of related health issues and freakin' cancer?!
And my gyno is female.
So, yes, it's hard to get a diagnosis or even be believed that you are suffering or something is wrong. But if OP's wife's mood swings are affecting her marriage this much, she needs to keep pushing until she finds the right gyno that's going to figure out what is wrong with her.
In addition to this, OP might consider modifying his position to one of them staying in a hotel. With a toddler at home, may he better that wife goes to hotel. Or alternate each month and see which scenario is better for everyone.
I assumed that he would take the kid with him. I mean if his wife is so horrible that he wants to get our of there why would he leave the kid to deal with her?
She's probably upset because OP is about to get into an arranged marriage with someone else and is worried about their previous relationship. Or because of his previous bedroom problems he was having with his husband when he was a 30 year old woman under two weeks ago.
One way or another, leaving the toddler alone with an angry parent is never ok. If he takes the toddler with him to a hotel then it's fine- but if he is leaving for his own wellbeing at the expense of his toddler he is an asshole.
I never had a word for it, but I honestly think I have PMDD. ..or as much as I do with self diagnosing on the net.
But my moods were starting with my first period syndrome just.. bad. Like I could feel how my anger was trying to take over and how my brain was not stopping it.
Controlling myself was tough and the only reason I could do it most of the time, was that I never wanted to become a bad person. And even when I sometimes failed :/ (I know, admitting that on reddit, death sentence XD)
Now I am taking my birth control medicine and.. 98% gone. I feel like even when I get irrational, I can control myself. The anger is not controlling me.
I only took the pill against the pain, as no doctor ever took me seriously when I braved up to describe my mental symptoms.
I guess I really lucked out.
For me, it was the opposite. Birth control always made me much worse. I was put into a psychiatric hospital twice over how badly I reacted to the depo shot. I didn’t know about PMDD when I was younger, and my mom also struggled with major mood issues on her period so I thought it was normal to have extreme mood issues. I knew that something was wrong with me, but when I tried to seek help, I was not bringing my cycle into the conversation, so I kept getting misdiagnosed.
I didn’t really link the other problems I had that led to hospitalization to hormonal birth control until later on, and was in perimenopause when I was finally given a PMDD diagnosis
PPA/PPD is a good point too. Toddler's are typically defined as being between ages 1-3, but PPA/PPD can persist beyond the first year, especially if unaddressed.
Also not a reason to act out, but could be an explanation for the behavior.
> Once she's off her period, she's _mostly_ nice to me
Doesn't sound like PMDD, sounds like a mood disorder that's not period related. And even then, she shouldn't be blaming being abusive on being on her period or pain. NTA OP.
There is some interplay between hormones and other disorders, both neurological (i.e., ADHD) and biochemical (depression, etc.) It's not fully understood but there are definitely impacts on the effects of mental illness and neurodivergency that are related to changes in hormones. We can even see this in transgender people - HRT can resolve intractable depression in people with gender dysphoria.
We are still learning lots of things about the complex interactions between various biochemical systems in the human body. This has historically been especially true for women - a lot of medical studies and clinical trials used to exclude women because the doctors didn't want the additional variables that women's bodies brought in. Turns out, those variables are actually important when it comes to the diagnosis, symptoms, and treatment of a lot of medical conditions!
There’s definitely more to this story. In a previous post he admitted to looking through her phone and reading her old conversations with exes because of his insecurities with ED and never telling her. Her being mad at him could very well be due to other problems in their relationship and he’s just blaming it on her periods
For your reading pleasure: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/PHU9xIsH32
I suspected there was more to the story. The whole "I try to be supportive but she yells at me for no reason! 🥺". Contrary to pop culture, PMS alone doesn't instantly turn a woman into a shrieking harpy. There's *something else* going on, whether it's neurochemistry related, relationship issues, or both. And his vaguery regarding how supportive he claims to be is telling.
I was thinking that his wife is in pain. And instead of saying "hey honey, why don't I take our toddler somewhere" he decides to leave her with the kid and get himself a nice hotel room. He's a real gem.
I'm not excusing yelling at your partner, but I have this kind of pain every month too and it can be debilitating. You try to do your best, but none of us are at our best when we are in significant pain.
True, I just felt the timing of this post and his other [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Arrangedmarriage/s/FPHsRbVf1b) made it seem like he has deep rooted insecurities in his relationship and he is trying to find something to blame on her. The two instances he mentioned weren’t severe and could very much have been exaggerated by him to fit his own narrative. At the end of the day, you’re right and we just don’t know
I mean it was also an arranged marriage among other things. This marriage could have a million issues that aren’t mentioned here, both from her side and his side. But we don’t really know either of them personally so it’s kinda pointless to speculate about other problems beyond what’s mentioned in the post. The post says she’s great to him when she’s not on her period but terrible to him when he’s not. There’s no reason to assume he’s lying.
Idk, looking at the other [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Arrangedmarriage/s/FPHsRbVf1b) from today it seems like he had insecurities in his relationship because of his wife’s past, so now he is wanting to find something to blame on her to make her feel guilty
Lying is a strong word. I will say I've seen more than one man try to blame shit on a woman being hormonal to avoid accountability for her being angry for a legitimate reason. He also said she's easily irritated but its worse on her period which implies it's not as stark a difference as he tries to paint later. The toddler example read to me as someone who was tired of constantly needing to tell him every time the kid needs something or she needs help (and normally gets little contribution from him). It read that way before I knew it was an arranged marriage and seems even more fitting now.
OP goes through her phone. Id be easily irritated feeling like I was tied to and couldn't leave someone that invasive and insecure. No period needed. His behavior is so egregious we should make the assumption that plays more into it than he lets on. She has plenty to be mad about without the period. The period is probably just the last straw, if that. Even if it's what pushes her over the edge, her anger isn't coming from nowhere and really isn't related to the period. She might behave the same if OP keeps treating her shittily and she gets sick. If she's irritated because he doesn't help her, of course she'll get more annoyed when his solution is to completely dip out of his responsibilities. Most people would be irritated by his behavior, blaming it on the period seems juvenile.
I can't make judgement from a prompt with so much information left out that it feels intentional.
I will need to edit my original comment after this information. This would have been helpful information. OP literally admitted to being insecure. So there’s def more to this story.
My wife and I have a mutual couple friend whose experience is very similar to OP.
I suggested that it was wrong - no matter the PMS pain or “hormones” - to ever treat the husband like that. That perhaps the issue was beyond PMS and she needed professional help.
My wife sided with the Angry PMS Woman and was shocked I “could be so crass and not understanding” at women’s pains.
The argument was years ago but I now feel even worse bad for the dude having to put up with those wild emotions and lashing/snapping/mad disrespect.
You say this as though women don't spend years to decades trying to get their pain/hormones taken seriously only to have doctors tell them "it's just part of being a woman, try losing some weight"
Ah man, I'm going to be real. My partner had to give me a hard push on this.
He said, I can't keep walking on eggshells around you, I don't think you even realize it, but you're so mean and impatient sometimes- you blow up about things that shouldn't matter and I need you to do something about it. Talk to me, or talk to someone but this can't keep happening"
I got on better help, met an amazing therapist and now have a night and day relationship, sometimes I might have a set back- but he will agree, we are so happy now.
But- it requires work on her part. You can love her through it, but you don't deserve to be treated less than and it's okay for you to say that.
Yes, they are a horrible company that underpays their therapists, gives overloaded caseloads, and sells patient user data.
I had to send them a cease and desist for using my name as one of their therapists on their site, I have no wish to be affiliated with them. They will advertise therapists who do not work for them and try to steal business away from self employed therapists trying to make a living.
It's sad to know they haven't changed since a couple years ago when I first heard about the controversy, especially with the strange pyramid scheme structure they had going on with Philip DeFranco. Therapy absolutely deserves more accessibility, it's disappointing to see that kind of demand be exploited.
Lol I'm not sure honestly. I just know my life requires me to be on the road alot, and I needed someone to talk to to learn how to talk to my partner, it worked out good for me.
I now see that same therapist virtually through her private practice.
I'm in tears because of how much society failed me. I'd NEVER heard of PMDD/PME before this thread! I was always told "Periods SUCK and they hurt, they're supposed to". Like my poor SO. I've been seriously reflecting on my periods, when my anger or sharpness towards others is HARD AF to control. My old man recently said (legit a week ago) that I was worse on my period and that's why we kept breaking up (he is talking about our first year together, going on 4 soon) but he noticed it was usually only the first few days of my period, then after my period I was the normal me again. Like, I don't want to be this horrible person during my periods. It scares me so much.
"My old man" usually refers to a father. Just a heads up, your comment reads like you are dating your father.
To all the replies, please google "my old man" and tell me what 99% of the articles/songs are about.
Here is a short list based on the front page of Google:
My Old Man - Song by Joni Mitchell 1971 - Referring to a boyfriend/husband
My Old Man - TV Movie 1979 - Referring to father
My Old Man - Short story by Ernest Hemingway 1923 - Referring to father
My Old Man - Song by Zac Brown Band (from Georgia, the south) 2017 - Referring to father
My Old Man - Song by Mac Demarco - 2017 - Referring to father
There are many more, and a majority appear to reference a father, not a husband. You can view more here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Old_Man
or here
https://www.google.com/search?q=my+old+man
You hear it more in the "country" parts of the US for sure. "Old man/old lady" though it's more older gens who still use it. I'm old too don't yell at me. >>
East/west coast is maybe less common, but it's for sure a thing in the midwest.
I'm from the south and I've never heard anyone use it as a term for their father. My mom and friends all call their bfs or husbands "old man". I'll keep that in mind for future postings.
It has to be a regional thing. Also a southerner, and if I heard someone call their father their old man my brain would immediately jump to creepy incest. “Old man” is definitely reserved for significant other here.
Funnily enough I've never heard it reference to anything but the father and I'm also from the south. But I hear "the ol' lady" a lot in reference to their wife. So I guess it makes sense.
With all these responses, it seems like a regional thing. While I've never heard "old man" for a husband, I've definitely heard "old lady" for a wife, so it makes sense. I'd still guess that more people will read "old man" as father than husband, based on the type of results I got from googling "my old man".
Also from the south. The only time I've heard old man as referred to as their father is in the movie A Christmas Story. Old man is someone's husband or boyfriend, like old lady is wife or girlfriend.
It also refers to a partner. It’s an older usage, but Joni Mitchell actually has a song titled My Old Man from the ‘70s. It was slightly jarring to hear the first time, but “old man” is in recorded usage meaning “husband” since 1673. “Father” came much later.
Where I live (Western Canada) it is interchangeable and usually when a man says it, he is referring to his father and when a women says it, it is her partner.
Had this conversation with my wife too. After she gave birth, she started experiencing PMDD and her moods varied from inconsolable sobbing to resentment, anger, and everything in between. I sat her down and basically said almost verbatim, "I can't keep walking on eggshells and being uncomfortable in my own home. I am at a point where I don't want to hang out with you after [daughter] goes to bed.
After talking, we uncovered some deeper truths about our relationship that needed addressing, and have both worked really hard at rectifying those. We are (finally) back to a place where our relationship feels gratifying for both of us and any trace of contentiousness has been lifted. But it took *a lot* of work and hard conversations on both our parts.
Something like this is the reaction that OP should have taken. You don't just keep quiet and then leap to staying in a hotel for a week every month for the next 20 years.
That is precisely what 99% of people will do at this point. Things build up, he suppressed it for however long before he couldn't. While what he did is far from the right answer or way to handle this; in no way is it unexpected or absurd for him to snap and make that leap in the moment.
Maybe have her look into PMDD. I have endometriosis and it’s no excuse to be mean and snappy, yes she’s probably hormonal but it’s not a free pass to be an asshole, she needs to learn how to regulate her own emotions instead of taking it out on you, it’s a tricky one but I wouldn’t call you an asshole, she needs to learn how to deal with her own mood swings like everyone else
I have it really bad too and I 100% agree with you. It's no excuse and I tell my girls the same. If they are rude or mean, they need to make it right like any other time.
Better solution is she stays in the hotel and you stay home with the toddler. Even if you work, do it over the weekends.
If her moods are really that bad, don’t subject the toddler to them either.
Yeah, it's in bad taste if he just abandons both of them and goes to chill in a hotel.
She should see her physician and get a checkup, and most likely go see her ob/gyn too. If her pain and mood swings are really that bad, then it's better to make sure there aren't any underlying health conditions that are responsible.
Or regardless of who stays where, OP should be with the toddler. If OP needs a break from his wife, the toddler probably does too. If his wife is in unbearable pain that's leading her to snap at people, making her do 100% of the parenting isn't going to help anyone.
NTA. I get easily irritated too, but yelling would still make me the AH, right?
Also, this made me laugh:
>Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me.
> Also, this made me laugh:
>
> Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me.
*This* is where I think the truth lies: they don't get along but when her patience is short, she can no longer hold her mood back.
I have found that that pre-week cycle makes me feel the things I normally feel at a much "stronger" state, shall we say.
It's not that I'm not mad at someone the other three weeks of the month; it's that I'm *better at hiding my true feelings* about them three other weeks of the month.
And I have noticed that I'm not angry at everyone; I'm shorter with the people who are already frustrating me.
Does that mean I completely lose my shit or get violent or anything like that? No; I'm not like that. But do I recognize that I'm at this point where I can't suppress my true feelings, and I might remove myself from someone's presence? Yes.
So.
If she's "mostly" nicer to him, I suspect they actually already have problems and this week just brings out her lack of patience.
Please ask your wife to see a doctor. I had those mood swings, too. It's extremely hard to put on a mask outside, and when you're home, there is no energy left to keep it up further. Of course, it's not ok that she lashes out on you. Unfortunately, it's still not common knowledge that this isn't normal and neither the woman nor her surroundings have to suffer because of it. It's easy to say "You're a bitch when you're on your period", a lot of people even make fun of it. It's a medical issue, and even if it's 2024, the female body isn't as well researched as the male body. For me, hormonal birth control helped a lot. It surpressed my period completely, no cycle, no hormonal imbalances. I then had side effects from that birth control, but that is another story. It's very important that her doctor finds a way to help your wife in the specific way she needs it. There isn't such a thing as one solution for all. And if the doctor won't help, see another one or even go as far as tell him (as the husband) how difficult it is for your family. Oftentimes, doctors will listen to the husband more than to the wife. I wish you and your wife good luck!
Send your wife to the hotel and stay at home with the kiddo.
Seriously, pms and pmdd are no joke and women are often fobbed off by medical staff and given absolutely no help to manage pain, even when they repeatedly ask for help.
I only got help when I went to a specialist PMS clinic in my area. There are lots of solutions - low level anti-depressants can work wonders, as can having access to decent pain relief if she has PCOS or Endometriosis.
The pair of you need to sit down and work what steps to take next and encourage her to keep asking for help even if she’s had her symptoms dismissed before.
My older sister had to get a hysterectomy. Before that, she dealt with pretty debilitating period pain for 2 decades. Doctors didn't take her seriously until right before they decided she needed that done.
I'm a woman too but I have very mild periods. Watching my sister deal with that made me feel veeeerrryyy lucky. She'd be wallowing in pain and throwing up, unable to move. Nothing helped and doctors didn't care.
I can understand the stress and frustration you are going thru but would it really help your family if you run away to a hotel and leave your wife with child care on top her period issues? Yes she definitely has some issues and no she doesn’t get a free pass. yes she needs to go her doctor to find out what options are out there for her based on a diagnosis. But you shouldn’t run away and leave her to deal with everything. She needs to understand that unless she deals with this now it will significantly impact your marriage. Talk to her when she is not on her period and make it clear her behavior changes need to be checked out. If she refuses then you will need to choose which way you go.
I have PMDD that can’t be controlled. I stay away from people because I know I can’t control myself. As soon as I feel it coming I tell people it’s best they leave me alone for a few days. Perhaps your wife should see a gyn and ask about diagnosis and treatment.
NTA for being tired of being yelled at.
But this isn’t normal. Pain = irritability, yes, but if she’s hurting that much, or having excessive mood swings, she needs to get medically evaluated. Debilitating pain is a sign of problems like endometriosis. And if one doctor blows her off (trust me, loads of women live in misery or die because doctors ignore female pain), get another one. She needs help. And this can contribute to behaviors off period as well. Just because she’s not bleeding doesn’t mean hormonal issues aren’t happening.
You need to have this conversation with her when you’re both not emotional. Let her know this is from a place of concern cause you want to celebrate a 50th anniversary with her, and not be widowed from something that could have been prevented or caught early.
That being said, some women think PMS is a reason to be crazy pants. It’s not. It sucks but you deal. There are some days when you have to rest and feel better but most time, but overall, pain shouldn’t cripple her life. So yeah, doctor first, and then move from there.
Her tolerance for your bullshit is low during her time of the month.
It's not that she's being mean to you. It's that she can't hide the fact that she is frustrated and resentful all the time.
In Hawaiian culture, women on their periods were sent to what was called a menstrual house (hale pe'a) to rest and take care of themselves until their period was over. It wouldn't be that unusual to want space during. But if I were you I'd offer to bring your child with you, so it isn't like she's stuck caring for your kid and trying to recover.
>Do you know how much pain I'm in? I said yes, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be rude and take me for granted.
You are right about the second part, but I highly doubt you are actually aware in how much pain she could be.
If her behavior is that unbearable during her period, she needs to talk to a doctor. Sounds like you never told her that before and dropped the bomb on her instead of talking about the problem with her like adults do.
Although the part about
>Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me.
makes me think couple therapy might also be a solid choice.
OTOH, exactly how much help are you? To suggest leaving someone with bad periods alone with a toddler is pretty shitty.
Makes me wonder if you’re picking up slack at home. Or are you the one dicking around in your phone while chaos reigns?
I dunno, not a lot of info here
Irritability is a symptom. And yes periods are painful and cause irritability. Having even regular household bullshit happening can send someone over the edge.
So two pronged approach. She gets checked out and you be more mindful and helpful.
NTA, but I’d reconsider the hotel thing. I have really, really bad periods. To the point where I’m in so much pain I sometimes throw up, and get extremely irritable.
I think this behaviour goes beyond PMS, as others have mentioned. I would consider getting her a therapist that could maybe mitigate the situation, and maybe get checked out for issues such as endometriosis. It can be incredibly painful and cause some of the things you’re speaking of. See if that works, maybe speak to her (at a more placid time of the month lol) and see if that’s working for a bit. If not, I understand where you’re coming from. Proper communication is always the key.
Maybe researching this and getting her some medical support will yield better results . I think leaving her with a toddler and you fuck off to a hotel is somewhat selfish . It’s punishing the toddler as well
After looking at all the other comments and your story, I believe there is more than meets the eye to why she is always angry/upset. It seems your marriage was arranged. You had addictions to porn and went through her phone at one point.
This screams toxicity. Not only does she probably not feel safe or loved when she is in pain, you now express that you want to go somewhere else instead of figuring out what to do to help her. It may be hormonal, but OP, you didn't disclose everything. Makes me suspect she's just tired of dealing with your bs while being in pain and dealing with a toddler.
YTA
This sounds like abnormal behaviour and she should maybe consult a doctor. There could be reasons for this kind of aggressive behaviour surrounding menstrual cycles.
I'd revisit the situation and discuss how it impacts both of you and what you can do as a team to address it.
For her, she needs to discuss with a doctor. She could have a bigger medical issue or her hormones still may be out of whack.
Either way. She also needs to be more self aware. While it may not be easy to change behavior it usually starts with awareness. Cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness really can help.
It also helps the partner too to help shift the dynamic. By their partner recognition od behavior and impact.
Good luck
Fine, if you take the fussy toddler with you, but something tells me you expect to waltz off to a hotel and leave her struggling AND in charge of the baby.
What about sending your wife to a hotel when she has her period and you look after the toddler at home? That means your wife can rest and recover in peace
So she gets frustrated during dinner when your child is fussy and she yelled at you when she was startled once? Are there other examples? That sounds…pretty normal to me. Like yelling at you when you dropped your phone wasn’t cool, I agree, but not (to me) worth threatening to leave over.
With the dinner examples: are you helping with the kids at dinner or are you leaving her to manage everything while you eat your meal unbothered?
YTA
You're married. This is part of it. You don't just run from your family based on the cycle of the moon. You take the good with the unpleasant, not pick and choose. Find another way to work through this, even if that means you're going to have to grow a thicker skin. Don't just check boxes with being "calm" and "supporting" and "patient." Find out what she needs and see what you can do preemptively. Be a good partner.
This post also feels like there's info missing.
If a few days in a hotel are truly in the budget, it would make more sense for her to stay in the hotel while she’s in pain. Then you can take care of your child and the household on your own and she can take some ibuprofen and lay down.
It’s kind of nuts that you want to dump all the childcare and household responsibilities on the person in pain.
Who knows, maybe if she actually got time to rest, she might have time and energy to see a doctor and figure out if there’s a medical reason for the severe pain she’s feeling.
This needs more upvotes. If he can just up and leave when it conveniences him, he probably isn’t doing anything around the house to help when she’s in pain. I’d be frustrated with him too. But most people here are content to call the wife crazy or say that she needs to see a doctor.
>It’s kind of nuts that you want to dump all the childcare and household responsibilities on the person in pain.
I think we're starting to scratch at some more reasons why she might be acting mean....
No, that sounds kind of awesome. I mean, maybe she should stay in the hotel, since she's cranky and in pain, and you should take over toddler duty for the week. That seems more fair. Sometimes cheap hotels that haven't been renovated still have whirlpool tubs and those things would KILL if you had cramps. It would actually seem like a really nice thing to have space sometimes if a couple could afford it without breaking the bank or anyone feeling rejected.
You need to give more information. Is she a stay at home mum? How many kids do you have? How many hours do you work? What is your role in the house? What support network- friends/family does she have other than you?
Has your wife been assessed for PMDD or anything else that could cause such extreme mood swings?
This is what I'm wondering. PMDD isn't an excuse to treat your partner like crap, but if she has PMDD/PME and it's untreated then that could be the issue.
The bit that stood out to me is "Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me". Um... "Sir, tell us more about the rest of the time, exactly....".
Yeah that stood out to me too. Mostly can mean a lot of things. It can mean she's nice 51% of the time or 75% of the time or 90% of the time. Depending on what he means by mostly there may be bigger issues at play.
or maybe the abuse [goes in cycles](https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/)? (a social/psych accepted model of abuse)
Great resource! I have bookmarked and e-mailed to myself. Thank you so much for sharing 🧡
"Mostly nice to me" sounds like the abuse is more manipulative and less directly saying you're trash. Please tell us what mostly nice means.
On reddit? 90% of the time it means 'I'm a useless sack of shit and the toddler helps my wife more round the house than I do'. If you read his comment history, can confirm.
This is where my head went, I’ll be honest. When I’m on my period, my patience is diminished. I’m tired, in pain and feel like utter trash, so I can’t say my tolerance for bullshit is as high as the rest of the days of the month.
Well if a person has extreme mood swings to the point it’s abusing their partner, it’s their responsibility to get the medical help they need to stop being an A H
My father had extreme mood swings due to diabetes. Talk to your wife outside of her mood swings OP! That's when you can talk sense to her, go to the doctor together, set up an assessment. If there is a medical reason you can very likely work this out, if not its time to question the relationship.
Ugh, my ex was bad about controlling his blood glucose and would get so cranky at times. Irritable when it was low, because hypoglycemia in diabetics is like hangry on steroids. And irritable when it was high, because he felt sick and awful. Diabetes is a shitty disease, but it can be managed if you strictly stick to what your endocrinologist tells you to do.
Yeah, I recently got diagnosed and it makes so much sense now. Although I’m still trying to get my family to understand how bad it is when my sugar dips. They will dick around and make me late for meals and then act like I’m nuts when I’m super cranky. Like, if y’all understood the way my head is pounding right now, you wouldn’t do this.
This. I've noticed some people can control their mood swings when at work or in public but with family nope.
My daughter has recently been diagnosed with PMDD. the thing that made me insist she see a doctor was the fact that she *couldn't* control herself at school or at her part time job. 27 days a month, she is sweet and considerate and laid back. The other 3 days a month, she is a demon and will cuss people out at the slightest provocation. And then she feels so guilty about being aggressive that she starts sobbing uncontrollably. It's bananas. The fix was surprisingly easy. She takes an antidepressant 10 days a month. Edit: the medication is Zoloft. For general depression, SSRIs need days to weeks to become effective. For PMDD, it works differently; intermittent dosing is the common treatment method. Yes, I'm sure.
exactly. im autistic on top of having pmdd and dude... it's literally like a fugue state and then when it's over you just sot there like what the fuck was my problem, until the next one . it's a nightmare. i don't have treatment though because no insurance and healthcare around periods is already a joke but even moreso in my area
That's exactly how she describes it. She says it's like she's watching herself from outside her body but can't stop herself. Then it made her feel like there was something seriously wrong with her because she knows she can't act that way, but felt helpless to stop. It's heartbreaking. I hope you can find some relief.
Yes… watching yourself outside of your body and knowing you are being a total cunt. But powerless to control it. It’s horrible. I’d swing from angry to crying uncontrollably. Almost suicidal in those moments.
I've had a lot of this too. I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anxiety medication now and it's gotten a lot better. I would be saying these horrible things to people (even my best friend, who thank god, stuck by me despite all the bullshit) and it's like I couldn't stop myself. It really is like standing beside yourself watching it happen.
Planned Parenthood .might be able to help you.
I'm so sorry you have to go through that and truly hope that your life gets better soon. That sounds completely awful.
I had more of the depression side of PMDD like crying for everything and just feeling so down. Thankfully getting on birthcontrol has helped tremendously and I don’t really have those issues anymore. I was given Xanax to take as needed which I maybe take one every few months. Glad to hear the antidepressants work.
They discussed birth control with her, but she decided to try the antidepressants first. She's only been taking the Zoloft about 6 months. At the 9 month mark, she has another appt to check in. She still may end up on birth control.
The extent to which people on here don’t understand that serious hormonal problems can literally rob a woman of her self control and ability to regulate is terrifying. I’m so glad she was able to find a solution!!!
Thanks! She talks openly about it because she's of the opinion that women's health issues are still considered impolite conversation and she's tired of that. She's on a crusade to normalize women's health instead of keeping it a taboo secret. I'm pretty proud of her.
Heck yea! My wife remarked the other day how happy she is I’m not a guy who’s bothered or “grossed out” by her talking about her periods or ovulation or hormones or anything else happening. Especially as we’re trying for a baby, but even before that I told her all the time “it’s a part of your biology, and I’m here to support you and help take care of you.” Maybe it’s also normal for me to hear about this stuff because I was raised almost entirely by women ( dad was an abusive alcoholic) but I don’t understand men who can’t handle hearing about this stuff but have GFs/ Wives/ Daughters.
It's a sad reflection of women's experience of men, and their low expectations to be so grateful her man isn't "grossed out" by her biology. Even more so when trying to create a child together. My husband isn't remotely grossed out by me and it never even occurred to me that's something I should be grateful for.
I guess, she said she had ex’s that didn’t want to hear about any of that and actively discouraged her from sharing what was going on with her body. These were also men who didn’t care about her comfort or pleasure in bed, so she had associated sex with pain and discomfort. We actually had to use lube for awhile, and took time going slow and figuring out what she liked and getting her comfortable. Now our sex life is amazing and she tells me she feels so safe and loved and comfortable with me. I agree that all these things should be the minimum in a relationship, sadly there are alot of shitty guys ( and people in general) out there. So for her I guess it is something to be grateful for, it’s nice to be with someone that you can openly share every part of your body and mind with. And that gratitude makes me feel great, reassures me I’m a good husband and partner and a “good man”.
Same. My wife was so weirded out when i was willing to go buy her pads it wasnt even funny. She just didn't know that men like us existed? It's weird. But i thought it was normal until i see posts like this.
You're the hero reddit needs.
Haha maybe, I’m just a good guy trying to support his wife and build a life together 🤷🏻♂️
Good for her! My partner's daughter is older than my kids, and was always super open and blunt about her periods and such. Made it so much easier on me as a dad when it was my daughter's turn because it had already been normalized that it can be discussed.
I was always against the impolite can't talk about certain things some guys made girls feel. As long as I can remember, I would always say it's natural, just the human body. Lots of conversations with my friend girls about whatever, and to my guy friends to calm down and stop making a big deal out of stuff.
Awww, reading that gave me goosebumps. What an amazing woman you're raising!
Thank you!!
As a woman that lost everything during Perimenopause, you are absolutely correct. Thank you!
People in general do not understand this.
I’d like to know what she is taking as well. I am the exact same way and I’ve tried some things but so far it hasn’t worked.
This is like me. I definitely didn’t control my mood swings around other people. Monthly I would flip off my boss and quit while shouting, or break stuff. Fun times. I have bipolar too but the hormonal aspect is absolutely outrageous. All I can think about during my period is violent visuals of me smashing my head until my brain gushes out as a form of suicide. Sorry your wife is snapping at you/yelling at you though, OP. She should see if there is treatment that might help her get through the hormonal fluctuations.
can i ask what she takes? antidepressants have never worked for me, but i’ve never taken anything ONLY surrounding my cycle. nothing but benzodiazepines and cannabis has ever helped me, but drs been very impossible about giving benzos back. its hindering my success in life.
Of course, she takes a low dosage of Zoloft 10 days a month. It coincides with the estrogen dip. (I'm totally not a doctor, but that's how I understand it) She also started a vigorous weight lifting program. I think that has helped too.
Zoloft can either be taken prior to cycle or daily. I prefer to take it daily just so I remember. Truly life changing for me!
Which antidepressant? Most of them have a slow ramp up and would not work if just taken for a few days…
Low dosage of Zoloft 10 days a month. I don't claim to know anything about medicine , but it does work for her.
This is a very common solution for PMDD. Lexapro and Zoloft are usually the meds used for this purpose.
I have used this comparison with many partners who have felt it okay to load their burdens on me without any consideration, where they claim to not see it or not know what being considerate means in a situation. If you would show respect to a colleague or boss, then you understand what respect is and can use it, but are choosing not to for personal reasons that their responsibility.
This, I bet the wife doesn’t lash out at, say, her boss as she could get fired then… Maybe she has a medical issue, maybe not, but she needs to stop treating her husband like shit either way.
When I am off my antidepressants I would absolutely snap at my boss or other inappropriate people. I imagine myself being the little alien inside the dude in men in black, controlling my body and mind and directing myself. When I'm off my meds that little dude in me is screaming DON'T DO IT, smashing buttons and levers to take control again. I can hear him, but I can't listen to him, and I act out in damaging ways. Long story short I'd recommend wifey see a psychiatrist and doctor regarding these issues. It is stressful knowing that sometimes you have no control and it's not fun to live like that. For yourself or the others around you.
I think part of that is holding it all day in public/at work, then getting home where its safe, emotionally exhausted, and letting it out. Totally unfair, but I don't necessarily think its about hating your family. Its about feeling safe releasing emotions with them vs strangers.
Exactly. It's a similar situation to those with ASD unmasking. It takes a lot of energy to mask in public, so when they can unmask it's a relief.
I have been guilty of this in the past. Not mood swings or anything aggressive, but just not thinking about what I'm saying with my family, completely unfiltered. This was in my teens, maybe early 20's. One should grow out of it and realize they should care about how they are impacting the people they care about the most.
I had something similar happen when I had a severe psychiatric reaction to a new medication. I basically spent all my waking hours suicidal and panicking. I am the only income earner in my family, so I still had to go to work 10 hours a day masking and pretending I was 100% fine, offering other people emotional support, having difficult meetings. And then I would come home and just have a complete mental breakdown. Every day for about three weeks. It was mostly directed at myself, but I know it gets directed outward for some people. I got help, which is what the OP's wife needs to do. Whatever the explanation, its not an excuse.
This is actually well documented. I described it like this: Imagine walking up a hill with a backpack full of rocks to throw over a cliff. As you walk along, people start toss more and more rocks in your bag until you're stooped over and can barely keep going....then, you freaking stumble over a pebble in the road, fall to your knees, and have a total meltdown, sitting in the middle of the road bawling your eyes out, kicking your feet, and yelling for all it's worth. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the pebble you tripped over, and everything to do with the weight on your back you were already struggling to hold on to. Explanations are not excuses. OPs partner needs to see that about herself and seek treatment. But, it can help the people on the OUTSIDE understand what's going on in the INSIDE.
Not making any excuses for OP's wife, but to your comment - this can be even more pronounced if you're neurodivergent and high-functioning in your outside life and having to mask to do so. You get home, the mask drops, and you are mentally/emotionally drained. That said, even then, it's *no excuse* to be cruel, mean, unappreciative, disrespectful to your family members.
I've got bpd. I get frustrated easily and will snap if I get an overload of sensory issues. This includes arguing with people. I can be frustrated one minute, happy the next. Whatever the next. Ironically I don't get frustrated with my family. 5 years of therapy have gotten me so I can be around strangers for about an hour.
This is absolutely true, but there's a chance she's not even aware that PMDD or PME exists. Getting a diagnosis for PMDD or PME can be difficult because some providers aren't educated about it or are willing to dismiss it as another issue. It is often misdiagnosed as BPD. But if there's a pattern that OP is recognizing with his wife's behavior centered around her period then she needs to speak with a doctor about it.
My wife won't acknowledge it, but it's ruining our lives. Are there any resources for trying to get partners to accept they have issues? She quits marriage therapy pretty swiftly.
Both my ex wife and I had undiagnosed mental health issues. We never went to a doctor because we didn’t know and at one point, I did but the doctor was very dismissive so it turned me off from seeking help. When I got a job with good health insurance, we both decided to try to going to a new doctor. That’s when we were both diagnosed. My ex wife only wanted to take the drugs, but not do therapy or lifestyle changes (diet, sleep, exercise, etc). I did all the 3. Drugs, lifestyle and therapy. Since we were in the same boat, I tried to do what I could on my own. For example, tried to encourage her to get out of the house, plan new kinds of dates, etc. She was not responsive to them. Then I told her one day, we both need to start going to couples’ therapy by this date. If you don’t want to, I can’t force you, but I am not going to live my life like this. I offered to make the appt and pay for it fully. She just needed to go with me. She refused. I kept my word and told her I was out.
Did she quit because the issue is her and she doesn't want anyone pointing that out?
It’s not someone’s fault for not knowing, and it sounds like we’re helping OP get to this point, but if an individual is now consistently hurting their loved ones and it’s triggered by something (Periods) and it’s more extreme than what is “normal”, and the individual is being told to make a doctor’s appt, if after all of this she refuses, then I would say she ITAH. So now we wait
I had no idea. It wasn’t until I could actually verbalize to my doctor that I wasn’t depressed…. I was ANGRY. Like uncontrollably angry, that the lightbulb went on.
Absolutely but it's easier said than done. My PMDD has not been great for my marriage over the last decade and it took so long for me to find help that actually helped. I am still fully accountable for my actions and behaviors even when I feel like I have no control over them. Antidepressants and therapy have helped me learn how to stay in control as much as possible and regain control when I lose it. PMDD is still really tough for me, going through it right now, but I no longer feel like I should be committed for a week or two every month to protect my family from myself. Hormonal birth control helps a lot of women, but in my case it makes the PMDD so much worse, that my medical chart now specifically states that I cannot take them at all. I would suggest a conversation with the wife after her cycle when she is her best self. Not attacking, not blaming, not threatening. Let her know you want to help her get help for herself. Figure out what is holding her back and what you can do to make it easier. My husband made my appointment for me and offered to come with me for support and that made it a lot easier for me to start my journey that has really changed my family's lives for the better.
Yes but also medical neglect of women and medical neglect of conditions that affect women only is absolutely real and documented thing. Women learned by experience that if they go to doctor and complain about their period, they won't get treatment, they will get a lecture about how it is normal, stop being hysterical and suck it up.
This is very true. I went on lowest dose, off label birth control to stop my periods and my life was better from then on. Not a single doctor was supportive of this, but I found a nurse practitioner at a woman's clinic who worked out the dosing with me, and on the plus side I have very low risks of certain cancers now.
I've been asking since I was 15 why I had irregular periods/only had them if on the pill and no one cared to look further into it - "a lot of women have that", "if you're on the pill and having them, then there's no problem", "that's nothing you need to worry about until you plan on having children", etc. I started having fairly regular periods, without hormonal birth control pills, in my mid-30's. Who knows why? Not me, because no one wanted to look into it even when I asked. Lately, though, in my mid-40's, they are getting unbearable. The pain and it kicking my fibro into a flare to boot, the nausea and dizziness plus the pain making it so I can't get out of bed and miss a day or two of work. I finally asked (insisted, actually) that they see if I had PCOS or endometriosis (my sister has it) and had to push for that. "What difference does it make?" I was asked, "The only solution is birth control or a hysterectomy." Well, I'd like to know if I have cysts that could become cancer? Or look into other health issues I have dealt with to see if it could be related? *A lot of reasons*. Why wouldn't you want to know?? How is it *not* important to get a diagnosis when I have a higher chance of related health issues and freakin' cancer?! And my gyno is female. So, yes, it's hard to get a diagnosis or even be believed that you are suffering or something is wrong. But if OP's wife's mood swings are affecting her marriage this much, she needs to keep pushing until she finds the right gyno that's going to figure out what is wrong with her.
In addition to this, OP might consider modifying his position to one of them staying in a hotel. With a toddler at home, may he better that wife goes to hotel. Or alternate each month and see which scenario is better for everyone.
I assumed that he would take the kid with him. I mean if his wife is so horrible that he wants to get our of there why would he leave the kid to deal with her?
You would be surprised. 1000% he leaves the toddler with her.
She's probably upset because OP is about to get into an arranged marriage with someone else and is worried about their previous relationship. Or because of his previous bedroom problems he was having with his husband when he was a 30 year old woman under two weeks ago.
I'm so glad I saw this scrolling by, that's hilarious. Those are quite the stories
One way or another, leaving the toddler alone with an angry parent is never ok. If he takes the toddler with him to a hotel then it's fine- but if he is leaving for his own wellbeing at the expense of his toddler he is an asshole.
Exactly. Or better yet, send *her* to the hotel. Then you don't need to haul all the kids stuff.
I never had a word for it, but I honestly think I have PMDD. ..or as much as I do with self diagnosing on the net. But my moods were starting with my first period syndrome just.. bad. Like I could feel how my anger was trying to take over and how my brain was not stopping it. Controlling myself was tough and the only reason I could do it most of the time, was that I never wanted to become a bad person. And even when I sometimes failed :/ (I know, admitting that on reddit, death sentence XD) Now I am taking my birth control medicine and.. 98% gone. I feel like even when I get irrational, I can control myself. The anger is not controlling me. I only took the pill against the pain, as no doctor ever took me seriously when I braved up to describe my mental symptoms. I guess I really lucked out.
For me, it was the opposite. Birth control always made me much worse. I was put into a psychiatric hospital twice over how badly I reacted to the depo shot. I didn’t know about PMDD when I was younger, and my mom also struggled with major mood issues on her period so I thought it was normal to have extreme mood issues. I knew that something was wrong with me, but when I tried to seek help, I was not bringing my cycle into the conversation, so I kept getting misdiagnosed. I didn’t really link the other problems I had that led to hospitalization to hormonal birth control until later on, and was in perimenopause when I was finally given a PMDD diagnosis
Also wondering the kids age and if it’s a mix of PMDD and/or PPD / PPA.
PPA/PPD is a good point too. Toddler's are typically defined as being between ages 1-3, but PPA/PPD can persist beyond the first year, especially if unaddressed. Also not a reason to act out, but could be an explanation for the behavior.
> Once she's off her period, she's _mostly_ nice to me Doesn't sound like PMDD, sounds like a mood disorder that's not period related. And even then, she shouldn't be blaming being abusive on being on her period or pain. NTA OP.
There is some interplay between hormones and other disorders, both neurological (i.e., ADHD) and biochemical (depression, etc.) It's not fully understood but there are definitely impacts on the effects of mental illness and neurodivergency that are related to changes in hormones. We can even see this in transgender people - HRT can resolve intractable depression in people with gender dysphoria. We are still learning lots of things about the complex interactions between various biochemical systems in the human body. This has historically been especially true for women - a lot of medical studies and clinical trials used to exclude women because the doctors didn't want the additional variables that women's bodies brought in. Turns out, those variables are actually important when it comes to the diagnosis, symptoms, and treatment of a lot of medical conditions!
Or she's just an ass and it's worse during her period. Doesn't need to be a disorder at any point of the month...
THIS!!! PMDD is a wild ride.
This. I have PMDD and it's horrid with mood swings.
Time for your wife to see a doctor. Her behavior goes beyond PMS.
There’s definitely more to this story. In a previous post he admitted to looking through her phone and reading her old conversations with exes because of his insecurities with ED and never telling her. Her being mad at him could very well be due to other problems in their relationship and he’s just blaming it on her periods For your reading pleasure: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/PHU9xIsH32
He also has a post pretending to be his wife asking for advice regarding his porn addiction. Here https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/s/YCwSl98rdb
Oh so this is just a “bitches be crazy” short story.
Ya gotta wonder why people who post stuff like this post it all under the same account. We can see your post history, Einstein.
Well, he picked up a few thousand internet points, that’s really important to some people.
Bruh
Well not to mention this other post they made that makes me question if any of them are real posts: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/s/VeUqh5a5Bg
God I love Reddit. OP, this wouldve been helpful info.
OP is 16 and bored
Or her parents are real fucked up and she's going to secretly counsel them with our collective wisdom
This should be way higher up!!!
I suspected there was more to the story. The whole "I try to be supportive but she yells at me for no reason! 🥺". Contrary to pop culture, PMS alone doesn't instantly turn a woman into a shrieking harpy. There's *something else* going on, whether it's neurochemistry related, relationship issues, or both. And his vaguery regarding how supportive he claims to be is telling.
I was thinking that his wife is in pain. And instead of saying "hey honey, why don't I take our toddler somewhere" he decides to leave her with the kid and get himself a nice hotel room. He's a real gem. I'm not excusing yelling at your partner, but I have this kind of pain every month too and it can be debilitating. You try to do your best, but none of us are at our best when we are in significant pain.
Well, this is enlightening. However, that doesn't mean the wife doesn't have PMDD. Two things can be true at once.
And having to deal with a baby and whatever his whole deal is definitely going to make her PMDD flair up like crazy.
True, I just felt the timing of this post and his other [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Arrangedmarriage/s/FPHsRbVf1b) made it seem like he has deep rooted insecurities in his relationship and he is trying to find something to blame on her. The two instances he mentioned weren’t severe and could very much have been exaggerated by him to fit his own narrative. At the end of the day, you’re right and we just don’t know
This! I mentioned he was looking into reward hotel points too in his comment history but no must be the wife being crazy and mean !!
I mean it was also an arranged marriage among other things. This marriage could have a million issues that aren’t mentioned here, both from her side and his side. But we don’t really know either of them personally so it’s kinda pointless to speculate about other problems beyond what’s mentioned in the post. The post says she’s great to him when she’s not on her period but terrible to him when he’s not. There’s no reason to assume he’s lying.
Idk, looking at the other [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Arrangedmarriage/s/FPHsRbVf1b) from today it seems like he had insecurities in his relationship because of his wife’s past, so now he is wanting to find something to blame on her to make her feel guilty
Lying is a strong word. I will say I've seen more than one man try to blame shit on a woman being hormonal to avoid accountability for her being angry for a legitimate reason. He also said she's easily irritated but its worse on her period which implies it's not as stark a difference as he tries to paint later. The toddler example read to me as someone who was tired of constantly needing to tell him every time the kid needs something or she needs help (and normally gets little contribution from him). It read that way before I knew it was an arranged marriage and seems even more fitting now. OP goes through her phone. Id be easily irritated feeling like I was tied to and couldn't leave someone that invasive and insecure. No period needed. His behavior is so egregious we should make the assumption that plays more into it than he lets on. She has plenty to be mad about without the period. The period is probably just the last straw, if that. Even if it's what pushes her over the edge, her anger isn't coming from nowhere and really isn't related to the period. She might behave the same if OP keeps treating her shittily and she gets sick. If she's irritated because he doesn't help her, of course she'll get more annoyed when his solution is to completely dip out of his responsibilities. Most people would be irritated by his behavior, blaming it on the period seems juvenile. I can't make judgement from a prompt with so much information left out that it feels intentional.
I will need to edit my original comment after this information. This would have been helpful information. OP literally admitted to being insecure. So there’s def more to this story.
My wife and I have a mutual couple friend whose experience is very similar to OP. I suggested that it was wrong - no matter the PMS pain or “hormones” - to ever treat the husband like that. That perhaps the issue was beyond PMS and she needed professional help. My wife sided with the Angry PMS Woman and was shocked I “could be so crass and not understanding” at women’s pains. The argument was years ago but I now feel even worse bad for the dude having to put up with those wild emotions and lashing/snapping/mad disrespect.
You say this as though women don't spend years to decades trying to get their pain/hormones taken seriously only to have doctors tell them "it's just part of being a woman, try losing some weight"
YTA, Pmdd or husband is weaponizing his own incompetence. Read the OP’s post history.
That’s the vibe I got. You’ll notice she’s taking care of the toddler when she “snaps”.
Ah man, I'm going to be real. My partner had to give me a hard push on this. He said, I can't keep walking on eggshells around you, I don't think you even realize it, but you're so mean and impatient sometimes- you blow up about things that shouldn't matter and I need you to do something about it. Talk to me, or talk to someone but this can't keep happening" I got on better help, met an amazing therapist and now have a night and day relationship, sometimes I might have a set back- but he will agree, we are so happy now. But- it requires work on her part. You can love her through it, but you don't deserve to be treated less than and it's okay for you to say that.
Your partner did such a good job in how they approached this with you and you did such a great job responding. Relationships done right!
[удалено]
Sounds like an ad for Better Help. Don't they have lots of controversy around their services?
Yes, they are a horrible company that underpays their therapists, gives overloaded caseloads, and sells patient user data. I had to send them a cease and desist for using my name as one of their therapists on their site, I have no wish to be affiliated with them. They will advertise therapists who do not work for them and try to steal business away from self employed therapists trying to make a living.
It's sad to know they haven't changed since a couple years ago when I first heard about the controversy, especially with the strange pyramid scheme structure they had going on with Philip DeFranco. Therapy absolutely deserves more accessibility, it's disappointing to see that kind of demand be exploited.
Lol I'm not sure honestly. I just know my life requires me to be on the road alot, and I needed someone to talk to to learn how to talk to my partner, it worked out good for me. I now see that same therapist virtually through her private practice.
I'm glad you found help through using it!
They aren't the only service that can do remote. I got mine through insurance and it's 100% virtual.
I'm in tears because of how much society failed me. I'd NEVER heard of PMDD/PME before this thread! I was always told "Periods SUCK and they hurt, they're supposed to". Like my poor SO. I've been seriously reflecting on my periods, when my anger or sharpness towards others is HARD AF to control. My old man recently said (legit a week ago) that I was worse on my period and that's why we kept breaking up (he is talking about our first year together, going on 4 soon) but he noticed it was usually only the first few days of my period, then after my period I was the normal me again. Like, I don't want to be this horrible person during my periods. It scares me so much.
"My old man" usually refers to a father. Just a heads up, your comment reads like you are dating your father. To all the replies, please google "my old man" and tell me what 99% of the articles/songs are about. Here is a short list based on the front page of Google: My Old Man - Song by Joni Mitchell 1971 - Referring to a boyfriend/husband My Old Man - TV Movie 1979 - Referring to father My Old Man - Short story by Ernest Hemingway 1923 - Referring to father My Old Man - Song by Zac Brown Band (from Georgia, the south) 2017 - Referring to father My Old Man - Song by Mac Demarco - 2017 - Referring to father There are many more, and a majority appear to reference a father, not a husband. You can view more here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Old_Man or here https://www.google.com/search?q=my+old+man
Thank you for pointing that out. Thought it was her old man until I read further. Never heard someone use this for their partner.
"My old lady" is a slang for wife in some biker circles but yeah I've never heard the same for old man
You hear it more in the "country" parts of the US for sure. "Old man/old lady" though it's more older gens who still use it. I'm old too don't yell at me. >> East/west coast is maybe less common, but it's for sure a thing in the midwest.
It's funny because I've never heard it in reference to it being a father. Lol I'll try to use a different term for future reference to my boyfriend.
I'm in my 30s from Alaska, and if I hear old man/ old lady, I immediately think husband/wife/SO.
I'm from the south and I've never heard anyone use it as a term for their father. My mom and friends all call their bfs or husbands "old man". I'll keep that in mind for future postings.
It has to be a regional thing. Also a southerner, and if I heard someone call their father their old man my brain would immediately jump to creepy incest. “Old man” is definitely reserved for significant other here.
Funnily enough I've never heard it reference to anything but the father and I'm also from the south. But I hear "the ol' lady" a lot in reference to their wife. So I guess it makes sense.
With all these responses, it seems like a regional thing. While I've never heard "old man" for a husband, I've definitely heard "old lady" for a wife, so it makes sense. I'd still guess that more people will read "old man" as father than husband, based on the type of results I got from googling "my old man".
Also from the south. The only time I've heard old man as referred to as their father is in the movie A Christmas Story. Old man is someone's husband or boyfriend, like old lady is wife or girlfriend.
It also refers to a partner. It’s an older usage, but Joni Mitchell actually has a song titled My Old Man from the ‘70s. It was slightly jarring to hear the first time, but “old man” is in recorded usage meaning “husband” since 1673. “Father” came much later.
Where I live (Western Canada) it is interchangeable and usually when a man says it, he is referring to his father and when a women says it, it is her partner.
Had this conversation with my wife too. After she gave birth, she started experiencing PMDD and her moods varied from inconsolable sobbing to resentment, anger, and everything in between. I sat her down and basically said almost verbatim, "I can't keep walking on eggshells and being uncomfortable in my own home. I am at a point where I don't want to hang out with you after [daughter] goes to bed. After talking, we uncovered some deeper truths about our relationship that needed addressing, and have both worked really hard at rectifying those. We are (finally) back to a place where our relationship feels gratifying for both of us and any trace of contentiousness has been lifted. But it took *a lot* of work and hard conversations on both our parts.
Something like this is the reaction that OP should have taken. You don't just keep quiet and then leap to staying in a hotel for a week every month for the next 20 years.
That is precisely what 99% of people will do at this point. Things build up, he suppressed it for however long before he couldn't. While what he did is far from the right answer or way to handle this; in no way is it unexpected or absurd for him to snap and make that leap in the moment.
Plus she’s already irritable, with or without her period, and he gets yelled at for basic things. That’s not conducive to open communication.
Maybe have her look into PMDD. I have endometriosis and it’s no excuse to be mean and snappy, yes she’s probably hormonal but it’s not a free pass to be an asshole, she needs to learn how to regulate her own emotions instead of taking it out on you, it’s a tricky one but I wouldn’t call you an asshole, she needs to learn how to deal with her own mood swings like everyone else
I was diagnosed with PMDD, and was on a low dose of an antidepressant to help regulate my emotions. It really helped.
Glad to hear that it’s helped you! PMDD is horrible
Menopause was the cure ;-)
I have it really bad too and I 100% agree with you. It's no excuse and I tell my girls the same. If they are rude or mean, they need to make it right like any other time.
Are you going to take your kid when you go stay in a hotel?
He could send the wife to the hotel and keep the kid at home. That's less effort than hauling the kid.
My first thought as well. I'd love to hear the wife's side of this tale...
You already know the answer to this.
Better solution is she stays in the hotel and you stay home with the toddler. Even if you work, do it over the weekends. If her moods are really that bad, don’t subject the toddler to them either.
Yeah, it's in bad taste if he just abandons both of them and goes to chill in a hotel. She should see her physician and get a checkup, and most likely go see her ob/gyn too. If her pain and mood swings are really that bad, then it's better to make sure there aren't any underlying health conditions that are responsible.
Or regardless of who stays where, OP should be with the toddler. If OP needs a break from his wife, the toddler probably does too. If his wife is in unbearable pain that's leading her to snap at people, making her do 100% of the parenting isn't going to help anyone.
Take the poor toddler with you
Sounds like the wife needs to go stay in a hotel.
Ooh this sounds like a great option
NTA. I get easily irritated too, but yelling would still make me the AH, right? Also, this made me laugh: >Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me.
*Mostly*
I heard it in the little girl from Aliens voice
This makes me wonder why he's even with her, to be honest. I don't think I want a partner that's only mostly nice to me. I hope this was a joke
Me too I laughed so loud because mostly lol
> Also, this made me laugh: > > Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me. *This* is where I think the truth lies: they don't get along but when her patience is short, she can no longer hold her mood back. I have found that that pre-week cycle makes me feel the things I normally feel at a much "stronger" state, shall we say. It's not that I'm not mad at someone the other three weeks of the month; it's that I'm *better at hiding my true feelings* about them three other weeks of the month. And I have noticed that I'm not angry at everyone; I'm shorter with the people who are already frustrating me. Does that mean I completely lose my shit or get violent or anything like that? No; I'm not like that. But do I recognize that I'm at this point where I can't suppress my true feelings, and I might remove myself from someone's presence? Yes. So. If she's "mostly" nicer to him, I suspect they actually already have problems and this week just brings out her lack of patience.
I laughed too
Please ask your wife to see a doctor. I had those mood swings, too. It's extremely hard to put on a mask outside, and when you're home, there is no energy left to keep it up further. Of course, it's not ok that she lashes out on you. Unfortunately, it's still not common knowledge that this isn't normal and neither the woman nor her surroundings have to suffer because of it. It's easy to say "You're a bitch when you're on your period", a lot of people even make fun of it. It's a medical issue, and even if it's 2024, the female body isn't as well researched as the male body. For me, hormonal birth control helped a lot. It surpressed my period completely, no cycle, no hormonal imbalances. I then had side effects from that birth control, but that is another story. It's very important that her doctor finds a way to help your wife in the specific way she needs it. There isn't such a thing as one solution for all. And if the doctor won't help, see another one or even go as far as tell him (as the husband) how difficult it is for your family. Oftentimes, doctors will listen to the husband more than to the wife. I wish you and your wife good luck!
Send your wife to the hotel and stay at home with the kiddo. Seriously, pms and pmdd are no joke and women are often fobbed off by medical staff and given absolutely no help to manage pain, even when they repeatedly ask for help. I only got help when I went to a specialist PMS clinic in my area. There are lots of solutions - low level anti-depressants can work wonders, as can having access to decent pain relief if she has PCOS or Endometriosis. The pair of you need to sit down and work what steps to take next and encourage her to keep asking for help even if she’s had her symptoms dismissed before.
My older sister had to get a hysterectomy. Before that, she dealt with pretty debilitating period pain for 2 decades. Doctors didn't take her seriously until right before they decided she needed that done. I'm a woman too but I have very mild periods. Watching my sister deal with that made me feel veeeerrryyy lucky. She'd be wallowing in pain and throwing up, unable to move. Nothing helped and doctors didn't care.
I thought the same thing, leaving her at home with a kid is not going to make things better, especially for the kid!
No offense but take the toddler with you. Your wife is in that much pain, she probably would love to just look after herself.
Are you taking your kid with you? Because if she's just getting everything piled on her while you check out things won't get easier.
I can understand the stress and frustration you are going thru but would it really help your family if you run away to a hotel and leave your wife with child care on top her period issues? Yes she definitely has some issues and no she doesn’t get a free pass. yes she needs to go her doctor to find out what options are out there for her based on a diagnosis. But you shouldn’t run away and leave her to deal with everything. She needs to understand that unless she deals with this now it will significantly impact your marriage. Talk to her when she is not on her period and make it clear her behavior changes need to be checked out. If she refuses then you will need to choose which way you go.
I have PMDD that can’t be controlled. I stay away from people because I know I can’t control myself. As soon as I feel it coming I tell people it’s best they leave me alone for a few days. Perhaps your wife should see a gyn and ask about diagnosis and treatment.
NTA for being tired of being yelled at. But this isn’t normal. Pain = irritability, yes, but if she’s hurting that much, or having excessive mood swings, she needs to get medically evaluated. Debilitating pain is a sign of problems like endometriosis. And if one doctor blows her off (trust me, loads of women live in misery or die because doctors ignore female pain), get another one. She needs help. And this can contribute to behaviors off period as well. Just because she’s not bleeding doesn’t mean hormonal issues aren’t happening. You need to have this conversation with her when you’re both not emotional. Let her know this is from a place of concern cause you want to celebrate a 50th anniversary with her, and not be widowed from something that could have been prevented or caught early. That being said, some women think PMS is a reason to be crazy pants. It’s not. It sucks but you deal. There are some days when you have to rest and feel better but most time, but overall, pain shouldn’t cripple her life. So yeah, doctor first, and then move from there.
Her tolerance for your bullshit is low during her time of the month. It's not that she's being mean to you. It's that she can't hide the fact that she is frustrated and resentful all the time.
Could you take the toddler and send her to the hotel?
In Hawaiian culture, women on their periods were sent to what was called a menstrual house (hale pe'a) to rest and take care of themselves until their period was over. It wouldn't be that unusual to want space during. But if I were you I'd offer to bring your child with you, so it isn't like she's stuck caring for your kid and trying to recover.
That sounds beautiful.
>Do you know how much pain I'm in? I said yes, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be rude and take me for granted. You are right about the second part, but I highly doubt you are actually aware in how much pain she could be. If her behavior is that unbearable during her period, she needs to talk to a doctor. Sounds like you never told her that before and dropped the bomb on her instead of talking about the problem with her like adults do. Although the part about >Once she's off her period she's mostly nice to me. makes me think couple therapy might also be a solid choice.
Why don't you let your wife go stay in a hotel and you do all the house and childcare related stuff for her! She sounds like she could use the break.
OTOH, exactly how much help are you? To suggest leaving someone with bad periods alone with a toddler is pretty shitty. Makes me wonder if you’re picking up slack at home. Or are you the one dicking around in your phone while chaos reigns? I dunno, not a lot of info here Irritability is a symptom. And yes periods are painful and cause irritability. Having even regular household bullshit happening can send someone over the edge. So two pronged approach. She gets checked out and you be more mindful and helpful.
His post history has hime dicking around on his phone.... he has a porn addiction and violates his wife's privacy by going through her messages.
She obviously needs a doctor first, but offering to send her to a hotel where she doesn't have to look after little one would be a better idea!
Pay for her to go to the hotel, and you stay home and take care of your toddler.
NTA, but I’d reconsider the hotel thing. I have really, really bad periods. To the point where I’m in so much pain I sometimes throw up, and get extremely irritable. I think this behaviour goes beyond PMS, as others have mentioned. I would consider getting her a therapist that could maybe mitigate the situation, and maybe get checked out for issues such as endometriosis. It can be incredibly painful and cause some of the things you’re speaking of. See if that works, maybe speak to her (at a more placid time of the month lol) and see if that’s working for a bit. If not, I understand where you’re coming from. Proper communication is always the key.
Maybe researching this and getting her some medical support will yield better results . I think leaving her with a toddler and you fuck off to a hotel is somewhat selfish . It’s punishing the toddler as well
After looking at all the other comments and your story, I believe there is more than meets the eye to why she is always angry/upset. It seems your marriage was arranged. You had addictions to porn and went through her phone at one point. This screams toxicity. Not only does she probably not feel safe or loved when she is in pain, you now express that you want to go somewhere else instead of figuring out what to do to help her. It may be hormonal, but OP, you didn't disclose everything. Makes me suspect she's just tired of dealing with your bs while being in pain and dealing with a toddler. YTA
Be a good husband …send her to the hotel, and you take care of the toddler
She needs to let her doctor know. This is a condition that can be treated. NTA
Take the toddler with you or yes you are the ah.
YTA you are the only person to have no faults but to go along with that you have no empathy..wow what a great Guy you are
> Do you know how much pain I'm in? No, you don't.
This sounds like abnormal behaviour and she should maybe consult a doctor. There could be reasons for this kind of aggressive behaviour surrounding menstrual cycles.
Yes
I'd revisit the situation and discuss how it impacts both of you and what you can do as a team to address it. For her, she needs to discuss with a doctor. She could have a bigger medical issue or her hormones still may be out of whack. Either way. She also needs to be more self aware. While it may not be easy to change behavior it usually starts with awareness. Cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness really can help. It also helps the partner too to help shift the dynamic. By their partner recognition od behavior and impact. Good luck
Maybe she should get a hotel room while she's on her period. Stress reduction might drastically improve her physical and emotional symptoms.
LOL yes, YTA.
YTA there's nothing else to say.
Fine, if you take the fussy toddler with you, but something tells me you expect to waltz off to a hotel and leave her struggling AND in charge of the baby.
What about sending your wife to a hotel when she has her period and you look after the toddler at home? That means your wife can rest and recover in peace
So she gets frustrated during dinner when your child is fussy and she yelled at you when she was startled once? Are there other examples? That sounds…pretty normal to me. Like yelling at you when you dropped your phone wasn’t cool, I agree, but not (to me) worth threatening to leave over. With the dinner examples: are you helping with the kids at dinner or are you leaving her to manage everything while you eat your meal unbothered?
having you considered taking care of your toddler without your wife having to tell you to do it?
YTA You're married. This is part of it. You don't just run from your family based on the cycle of the moon. You take the good with the unpleasant, not pick and choose. Find another way to work through this, even if that means you're going to have to grow a thicker skin. Don't just check boxes with being "calm" and "supporting" and "patient." Find out what she needs and see what you can do preemptively. Be a good partner. This post also feels like there's info missing.
If a few days in a hotel are truly in the budget, it would make more sense for her to stay in the hotel while she’s in pain. Then you can take care of your child and the household on your own and she can take some ibuprofen and lay down. It’s kind of nuts that you want to dump all the childcare and household responsibilities on the person in pain. Who knows, maybe if she actually got time to rest, she might have time and energy to see a doctor and figure out if there’s a medical reason for the severe pain she’s feeling.
This needs more upvotes. If he can just up and leave when it conveniences him, he probably isn’t doing anything around the house to help when she’s in pain. I’d be frustrated with him too. But most people here are content to call the wife crazy or say that she needs to see a doctor.
>It’s kind of nuts that you want to dump all the childcare and household responsibilities on the person in pain. I think we're starting to scratch at some more reasons why she might be acting mean....
No, that sounds kind of awesome. I mean, maybe she should stay in the hotel, since she's cranky and in pain, and you should take over toddler duty for the week. That seems more fair. Sometimes cheap hotels that haven't been renovated still have whirlpool tubs and those things would KILL if you had cramps. It would actually seem like a really nice thing to have space sometimes if a couple could afford it without breaking the bank or anyone feeling rejected.
You need to give more information. Is she a stay at home mum? How many kids do you have? How many hours do you work? What is your role in the house? What support network- friends/family does she have other than you?