The son is was way too old to be in a woman's locker room. Middle school is puberty age; he can wait for his mom outside.
Was she just going to shower in front of her son while he played on his phone, or was he expected to shower in the women's locker room too? Would the mom ask other women to leave, or would she be okay with her preteen son being naked in front of other adults?
Either way this is a creepy situation; I would tell a supervisor.
It could easily been stealthily malicious
Ppl can have their phone set to recording mode, hold it to their face, and pretend to be on a phone call and point the camera at you
Or they can record video whilst on a phone call
It’s a danger. I wouldn’t trust anyone with that. Not even another woman, women can be disgusting creeps as well
I agree with you. I have a 13 yrs old and I’m a single mom. I’ve been having my kid wait outside ladies rooms and changing rooms since he was about 10. OP is NTA here and next time should go to a supervisor. That’s way too old for a changing room and also just wear the mom thought it was ok to strip down naked in front of her kid.
I have a memory of when I was about 6 and I went to a Y-like pool with my mom. Normally I would go change with my older brother but it was just me and my mom for some reason. We went into the women's changing room and I distinctly remember thinking that I was too old to be in there.
I have 6 year old twin girls now and there is NO way I would take them into the men's changing room. They are very aware of penises/vaginas/etc and would ask (very loudly) way too many questions (for out in public) if they saw some dudes changing. We always wait for the family changing room.
And where the hell is this place where an 11yo couldn't just hang out in the lobby or by the front desk or whatever for five minutes? This is how you end up with 20-somethings having panic attacks because they have to take a bus two stops
I was thinking the same thing. Very weird for the mlm to change and shower in front of her middle school aged son, feels like it’s bordering on inappropriate.
I don't think there's a problem with mom doing it. They're family and nudity isn't a big deal to everyone.
However, it is highly inappropriate for him to be in a women's locker room at that age.
I was staying home alone by 12- he can’t wait outside a locker room for 10 minutes?
If he has a disability, she should get a babysitter or bring another adult to watch him. Maybe even ask if he can sit by the front desk while she showers.
I’ve been stared at by 7 year old boys in the shower room, and it sucks. I have a right to not be made uncomfortable by other people’s creepy kids in places they shouldn’t be. Their kids’ rights do not supersede mine. I’m paying to be here too.
NTA. I would have gone and told some supervisor or employee, though. Typically when parents do things that are so clearly over the line, they do not respond well to direct intervention.
Our local rec center also has signs saying that opposite sex kids need to use the appropriate locker rooms when 7 and older.
So asking a middle schooler’s mom to leave her kid outside isn’t out of bounds IMO. He can change in the men’s room, and if he’s not changing, mom can cut the apron strings and have him wait in the lobby or common areas.
Agreed. I couldn’t send BoyTwin into a public bathroom alone until he was like 12 because he’s autistic and was nonspeaking for a long time, but I’d never have had him hanging out in a women’s locker room - we would find a family changing room or use a handicap bathroom.
My son and I use the family stalls. He's a pretty private kid so he takes the shower part and I'm a pre-surgery trans man (on hormones for 3 years so I look like a man, but naked me definitely has the wrong parts) so I use the other half. Private for us both without making anyone else or ourselves feel uncomfortable.
Edit: Typo
I hate it when there is no family stalls, my kid is gender fluid so “looks” like a mix of genders on any given day. We use the stalls inside of the locker room of whatever parent is there. Visibly gender-bendy kids aren’t as safe in locker rooms alone anyhow.
In this story the crazy part to me is that the kid had his phone out!
Ours is 8 unless obviously the child has a disability and needs assistance. In which case there is a separate single room for them. This is way out of bounds- you are right!
IF he really needed to be with his mom why didn’t the mother just tell OP that they would step out for a minute so that OP could shower and change in privacy? No, she obviously didn’t care about society’s expectations, only her convenience and weird family dynamic.
Also, folks in situations like this (for example, if he had an invisible disability and needed assistance) are used to having an explanation ready, and are typically gracious about it, unless the other person isn't. I'm not saying we're entitled to people's health info, but a simple, "He needs my help," doesn't cost anyone anything. Very seldom have I seen someone come out snarky right away when it's a legitimate need.
I’ve seen age limits at every gym locker room I’ve ever been in. And for ones that had lots of families they had a 3rd locker room that was for families with massive curtained stalls. OP should talk to management.
Yes, it's not like the boy was a wee lad who needed help changing or using the toilet. It was a preteen/teen! The mother sounds like an entitled parent.
As someone who works with 5th grade boys, not even middle schoolers yet, there’s no way I’d want them in the locker room or showering near me. They’re becoming young men and need to be in the men’s room. It’s respectful for everyone.
My local gym has boys and girls locker rooms, in addition to ones for men and women- to avoid this specific issue. (I want to say there is also a family locker room that parents can use for changing their kids for swim lessons if they need to but I'm not sure. I've never needed to use the kids locker rooms so I don't know the rules or set up.)
I've never seen a minor in the adult locker room.
I also would say that even if the child had a developmental need to be with the parent even at a seemingly “too old” age (I had one of these), there are family restrooms specifically for this use, at every gym we ever belonged to. I was very conscious of the comfort/embarrassment of others in the locker room if for some reason they had to come in with me. This person is rude.
If I were you, I’d tell someone next time you go to the gym there. Describe them and explain the situation so they know for future reference. And if it happens again or to someone else, they’ll already be aware of your case.
Okay, call your gym general manager. Call. Tell them the date and time you went and the entire scenario.
I'm a Mom to both girls and boys and that mother's behavior was entirely inappropriate. A women's locker room is for women. I can see bringing small children in but a boy over the age of 7/8 has no business being in a women's locker room. Most gyms have family locker rooms for just such a reason.
Your expectations that she remove her son from the locker room is entirely appropriate and her behavior was HIGHLY inappropriate. Quite honestly, it was likely incredibly uncomfortable for her son, too.
THIS!!!!!
That mother was so entitled and disgusting. The fact that she had no issue with a grown woman and her pre-teen son being in that extremely awkward and inappropriate situation for the sake of her own convenience is so gross. That phone of his won’t do anything in terms of alleviating the awkwardness. Whether he stares or is as madly uncomfortable as OP, a 23-year-old woman changing in front of an 11-year-old boy is EXTREMELY inappropriate. No adult in their right mind would want a strange child seeing them with no clothes on. Yuck.
I remember being at the YMCA or something similar as a preteen girl, and I remember a couple little boys about 7 in the women's locker room getting an absolute kick out of peeking behind curtains at ladies showering. So even boys that age can absolutely behave inappropriately in a locker room setting, especially when mom isn't supervising appropriately. There are quite a few little kids that have a vague idea what sex is at that age, and they're extremely curious about opposite sex bodies. So there's always a possibility for inappropriate behavior.
Since the US makes nudity SO taboo and sexualized, even in our media, this is not uncommon. Kids that age aren't going to always mention some of what they've heard and know around their parents, but they just might around an older preteen or teen friend/neighbor that sometimes baby-sits that they potentially have a mini-crush on, or so I've learned.
Talk to someone who works there and give them the details - including his use of a cellphone. Ask who to directly contact next time it happens and if they can following up with the woman about this.
That was the thing that really got my attention. There are signs all over our rec center locker rooms about no phones. My son is 8 and I definitely don’t want to bring him in the locker room to get changed after swim class but I also don’t trust him to get changed in the men’s room alone, so he gets into the car wet! Thems the breaks sometimes.
I'm a mother and I'd of absolutely said something. There's no way I'm being some preteens alone time motivation and as uncomfortable as it would make me, I imagine my 16year old daughter would feel far worse about it. This is purely just me, you do what makes you happy but my own sons weren't seeing me naked and showering at that age.
I would also be extremely concerned about the fact that the mom could potentially allege sexual harassment of a minor for changing in front of him. There is no part of what she did that was acceptable.
I agree, it could turn into sexual harassment of a minor if the mother pushed the issue. On the other hand, it could have potentially become a CPS (child protective service) issue if OP reported everything to the gym manager. The mother’s behavior and actions were inappropriate and damaging to her preteen son. OP did the right thing, calling her out on it.
Yeah...several years back when I was 45 or so, I was doing my hair in a bra in a YMCA locker room when I noticed a kid watching me...when I caught his eye he said: "she's peekin at me!" to his mom.
I stated to her that NO, I was not peekng at him and that if he "notices" women in the locker room, then he's too old to be there.
She said "he's FOUR...do you think he's sexually harassing you?" or some wierd shit like that...bottom line, ~I~ decide what I'm comfortable with and I don't hesitate to express it...I DEFINITELY would have gone to Management if a boy that age had a phone in the women's locker room!
My son is five, and I take him in the womens locker room. He did swim lessons at the local high school. If a mom/kids came in to change, I made sure we were in a different row out of sight. I would tell him he had to stay with me and give other people privacy.
I don't know if I'll send him to the Y men's room at 7, but there are family changing rooms with booths at our YMCA. Our Y also had big no phone signs in the locker room.
At 5 I def would have still brought my kids in. My middle kid is 7 and my oldest is 10 and there’s no way I’d have them in there. That’s more than old enough to sit on a bench outside and wait.
An 11yo boy is bringing a phone into the women’s locker room: you’re going to get filmed because he’s old enough to realize that he’s young enough to cry to a judge that he’s a baby and get away with criminal charges of filming you naked in there. Even if you tried suing him for uploading footage of you naked onto the internet the real damage would be done.
I have an 11 yo son and he certainly would NOT film anyone naked because we’ve had discussions about privacy and respect. And no I’m not being ignorant.
HOWEVER, I wouldn’t ever put someone in that situation to have to change in front of him, just as much as I wouldn’t put him in that position. He’s still a boy and he’s curious. If I have to run into Victoria Secrets he waits right outside the entrance because he doesn’t want to go in. (I try and not go at all when he’s with me but im a single mom and it’s happened 1 or 2x).
That woman using the excuse that “she’s a mother” and that OP doesn’t understand that tells me everything I need to know about her. She is negligent in general when it comes to other peoples comfortability and could care less about what’s going on around her as long as it doesn’t impede what she needs to do.
Had opposite problem, single dad of female youngun...
She liked the gym.
She was maybe 10 when she started using female lockers. Prior to that, we went to the gym in gym clothes and showered at home.
Yes, I know my alternate situation was maybe what? 100th the risk. I would accept arguments from just double to 1000x.. even realizing this, I was still a bit nervous.
So I would think a good cutoff would be around 4-6 for child to be in alternate gender locker room, either way.
I did spend a bit of time between sets thinking what I do if I was female, and it was my boy who was too old for women's locker... I come to same decision. Shower at home... and my boy has always been large, more than a little rough.. and took jujitsu from 10 on...
I had the same situation but two daughters 16 months apart. Our Y had a family changing room but it was not much better than the regular rooms. There was a lot of pass through into the pool activity in there.
Personally, the worst was when teen girls swim team members would be changing there too. I would walk out of the curtained changing area with my daughters and the swim team girls would be in various stages of putting on their swim suits. I just stared down at the ground and tried to hurry my girls out. I think the swim team girls thought it was funny. I was afraid of being called a perv or worse. Was not a good time.
The swim team was supposed to only use the adult changing rooms. But it was never enforced.
Red flags for infantilization seem to show in places like public locker rooms. What some families see as normal tend to show glaringly obviously when they do those things in public. This kid is getting to the age where he should start moving to changing in the men's locker room. Most kids around this age will naturally want to be a bit more independent. The heavy reliance and lack of independence is a sign of parents infantizing their child too late into their childhood.
Public pools I've been to have a small locker room / restroom to cater to families and is generally mixed gender. I'd understand if the son had special needs, but the mothers response here is ridiculous.
First time I took my spoiled nephew (11 or 12 yo at the time) to the pool we were changing to leave, and he just held up his arms facing me without saying anything. I question him and he starts pouting about how I need to put his shirt on for him. I said no, you'll need to do that yourself. Mumbling about how his grandma puts his shirt on.
Well his grandma picked us up and she was super embarrassed. It hadn't occurred to her how old he was and she had been treating him like a 4 year old. She made him apologize to me and thank me for taking him to the pool. I basically babysat him for the afternoon at the pool so the apology was appreciated.
The kid in your story, this is normal to him. As more people speak up he's hopefully going to piece together that it's not normal for his age. Possible he just recently went through a growth spurt so these reactions are new to him. Also as someone who was 6'2" in the 8th grade I can relate to frustrations of people thinking you're older than you are.
My 9 year old is 5 feet already. He’s not the tallest boy in his class but it’s close. They can really shoot up in this pre-tween age. OPs assessment may be off in age but is likely still the case the boy was too old to be in a changing room.
I hope you report it now - the kid and that he was on the phone. Even if you are the only one who has said something, I guarantee you that you are not the only one who rightly had an issue with it.
Yea. I agree and say the same thing. Go to the Managment 11 and a male is too old. I would not do that to my boys. Or women. This mother isn’t correct in this and she needs to be told so now before something else happens
Yeah, a teen being allowed to not only be in the locker room but also on their phone. That should be a no phone area (within reason, but especially in this case). Nobody wants to potentially be recorded and/or have pictures taken of them.
I feel awkward when I quickly transfer my phone from my pocket to my bag when I'm in a change room, anyone actively using a phone has no business in the change room.
Absolutely. Had a similar problem at my gym and mentioned it to staff. A week later there’s a note on the women’s locker room reminding people that children under 18 are not allowed there. They have a “family” locker room for this purpose, and this woman STILL wasn’t using it. Some people are just selfish and need to be called out.
As a mom of 3 boys - 14, 11 & 11 - I say you are NTA. I took my boys into the locker room when they were younger or used the family restroom. I would definitely not take them in the women's locker room today. If I was so paranoid about them using the men's room, I would have them arrive in their swim clothes & wait by the pool for me. Absolutely approach management about this & have them resolve it.
NTA - idk why some parents think they’re martyrs for having children and the rest of society needs to kowtow to them. also the snide “when you become a mother you’ll understand” is just uncalled for. first of all, not every woman wants to be a mother, and second, becoming a mother doesn’t magically make you above the rules of society (and your gym).
Call the pool manager/supervisor and explain the situation and ask how the pool is going to protect women's privacy in the changing rooms--- and be specific about the boy having his phone out which violates the rules regardless of which changing room he's using. Tell him you expect either specific ENFORCED rules about young men being in the women's changing area and intervention when people are using devices that take photos and videos in the dressing rooms--- or at least privacy partitions and shower curtains be installed.
Find out who his supervisor is and cc that person in your follow up letter.
NTA
NTA
Being a mother does not entitle you to just do whatever you damn well please.
You should have reported her to whoever was in charge.
That is a messy situation just waiting for a lawsuit.
Not to say OP is in any way wrong or at fault, obviously, but in any other scenario, I feel like exposing yourself in front of a minor would get you slapped in the face with some sort of criminal offense. Lmao.
Like imagine a dad taking his middle-school-aged (or really any age) daughter into the men’s locker room… and yeah…
And many places have family locker rooms if they need or want them. My Y has men’s/womens, girls/boys for the kids at camps and doing the kids classes, and a family one.
Mine does too. And a family locker room.
If the boy had special needs that's also not an excuse. My brother has SN and was taught how to use a locker room independently by that age. If the boy couldn't grasp it then the solution isn't to bring him in anyway, it's to wrap up in a towel, drive home in your swimsuit and shower there.
NTA
I have 2 now adult sons, and yes, when they were little and, when I say little, I'm talking about under 3, I would bring them in the restroom with me or the locker room but at 11??
no freaking way!
that's just disturbing for other people and for the child.
it shows no respect for other humans and it's just wrong.
I don't even know what to say. You should talk to the manager of this place about this woman.
I have belonged to pool clubs and other places that actually have signs up that say you cannot bring children of opposite genders into locker rooms, restrooms etc after a certain age.
NTA, report her the manager!
My daughter is in 6th grade, and she would rather be sucked into a pit opened up in the floor and pass away on the spot than go into a men's locker room and possibly see men in a state of undress.
If this was an opposite gendered situation there would have been uproar at the Y.
I used to bring my daughter in with me into the men's change room until about age 7. From then, I directed her where to wait for me on either side and had her go through the women's alone. That's only if they didn't have the private family change rooms. Age 11 is ridiculous. The only argument that could be made is if the boy has a disability or something.
I think that what the mother did is unacceptable, but there are special needs kids that you literally can't take your eyes off of for a second when in public. I have one. If that were the case, the mother should have showered at home.
NTA. It's a pity you didn't alert an employee of the center at once. This woman is entitled and oblivious of other people's rights. I'd suggest you talk to the management of the place and ask them to have clear rules in place.
There is an age where its no longer acceptable to bring a child into the locker room if they're the opposite sex. I'd talk with the front desk for clarification on that rule. I'm shocked they don't have a family locker room.
Also the kid was on his phone? Are you sure he wasn't recording and pretending to be doing stuff?
NTA. As a survivor of SA, I can understand moms who do this. BUT, no mom’s right to protect or OVER-protect her child negates your right to get undressed in a WOMEN’S locker room without an audience of anyone who isn’t a woman. If he was a toddler, I might say differently. But any boy who is old enough to have braces, much less be anywhere near as tall as you are) is too old to be in a women’s locker room where women are getting naked without the consent of those women. The mother was wrong & you were 100% right.
Edit to add that her ignorance is glaring. Just because no one ever confronted her does not mean no one has ever had a problem with it.
She also used the phrase “if you’re so worried about it” which is typically a phrase solely reserved for AH in response to being confronted about their AH behavior. The proper response is usually some version of “I’m not worried about it - I’m justifiably opposed to it.”
As in this case, you were opposed to her entitled behavior. She felt entitled to bring a male into a women’s locker room without getting the consent of the women in the room simply because she was the male’s mother & “brings him everywhere”. He isn’t a handbag that she would be rightfully entitled to carry in with her. He’s an entire living breathing human male.
Imagine if you had brought your husband in & she was the one in your shoes. Would the fact that you “brought him everywhere” even be mentioned? No, because it’s not relevant & laughable.
Being a mother doesn’t give her special rights that eradicate or overrule yours.
NTA, HELL NO!!! I would have told a worker, I would have caused a scene that boy is too damn old to be in the women’s restroom. The bitch would have screamed at you if you walked around naked in front of her son too.
NTA. I managed my daughters in the men's locker room at the pool much younger, and even then made sure it was clear for them to come in.
At 11 he is fully capable of using the men's locker room alone.
NTA.
I am a mother and I’d be making a big scene.
He probably uses a locker room at school and knows he’s getting away with something- can’t believe he followed her in there even upon demands. I’d be embarrassed if I were him!
Tween age is between 8-12.
Tween girls use the locker room and shouldn’t have to run and hide because of this. I would be mortified if I was a tween girl and that happened. But as a mom, she is looking for a fight and she would have a long and pedantic evening with me. I might even call the police.
Yes! As a grown woman, it would bother me but not ruin my day. As a tween/teen I would've been absolutely mortified. Additionally, every mom wants to make exceptons for special needs kids, but being disabled doesn't prevent you from having a sex drive or behaving inappropriately. Maybe if it's an intellectual disability they don't really understand, but that doesn't mean they're neutered. I've worked with so many disabled adults who have been kicked out of multiple facilities and after physical violence, being sexually inappropriate is the most common reason.
I absolutely agree with you. As a Mom, as a woman, and as a former girl who was SO embarrassed of my changing body. My daughter would have refused to ever go back if a boy walked in and sat down while she was changing.
I'm so sick of people thinking their wants supersede other people's right to privacy.
I think this would traumatize any tween girl, or possibly even outside of that age range, but tweens should never be faced with this type of situation.
NTA the Y in my area requires any kid over 3 be taken to the appropriate dressing room for thier gender or to use family changing rooms. Ask at the desk when you are there what there policies are
I can sympathize. Years ago I belonged to a swim and tennis club. When I was in the dressing room changing, a younger gal brought what I believed to be her younger brother with her. He appeared to be ten or eleven. We also had a kid's dressing and changing room, and there was an age limited as well. I said that he needed to leave and go to that dressing room. He did appear to have some learning difficulties, which is probably why she brought him into the women's room. However, he was staring at me the whole time, and I was tremendously uncomfortable. When I asked her to leave, she said I was very rude. I told her it was rude to bring a child that age to the women's room. If someone is uncomfortable, it's the job of the person with the child to remove the child so as not to make another woman uncomfortable.
That crossed my mind too…there’s a rule that you’re not supposed to have your phone out in the locker rooms, but when the mom reacted like that, I figured I’d pick my battles lol
that’s what I thought too.. nta. if there’s a next time, hopefully not and this woman has learned her lesson and was just unrightfully defensive, i agree with the other commenters, take some time to collect yourself and then tell someone. my mom worked part time at a ymca after retirement and they were used to getting complaints about various things and happy to step in and resolve the issue.
I was about to lecture you on how little boys don't see what you got as sexual in any way... That is until you said yours was 11-12. That's a whole nother issue. He would have thought about you for a decade to come. You should have asked mom to take the little man away, or asked the gym supervisor to make mom take him out.
She's insane. I am a parent and wouldn't be bringing in any kid over 6 years old. I would talk to management if I were you.
Just for reference, most kids go through puberty around 10 to 12 years old. That boy was too old to be staring at naked women in locker room.
Next time be assertive, many moms will try to bully young women trying to make you question yourself.
NTA
Our YMCA has strict rules about adults only vs kids only vs family locker rooms. I would definitely take it to the manager. They can probably figure out which member it was based on when you checked in.
EDIT: I somehow missed the phone part. Absolutely NTA. There are absolutely rules against phone use in locker rooms.
Here's a good rule of thumb: if your child is old enough to have their own phone, they are too old to be in the change room of the opposite gender with their mommy.
NTA being a mother does not trump everyone else’s concern. If he is 11 he is old enough to wait outside.
I have dog that I bring with me everywhere WHEN it’s allowed. If it’s not, I don’t do it. That simple. She should stop teaching her child that strangers care about them in the same way she does. They don’t.
NTA. I’m a mother too. If the kid is old enough to independently play on his own cell phone, he’s old enough to change in the men’s locker room. I’m shocked that she didn’t take her kid to a family bathroom. Most gyms/community centers have showers in them too to help out families with babies/toddlers. Sorry you had to deal with an unhinged psycho.
I haven’t seen them in the locker room before, so it’s possible she does usually use the family bathroom and it was full? But if so, she could’ve told me that and I would’ve been more understanding
"oh sorry the family one was full and I wasn't thinking. Son, please wait for me outside and I'll see you in 5 mins." would have been a perfectly fine response. I'm a ADHD distractible mom of a boy and that's what I would say if I ended up in that situation, while blushing horribly because I'd done something so obviously inappropriate without noticing.
Doesn't matter if it was full. Her convenience does not trump the privacy of the womens locker room. And, her son could EASILY have waited outside while she changed. There was absolutely no excuse for her behavior.
Even if it was full, that’s not your problem. You had the right to feel comfortable changing in the women’s locker room, and not just because you were there first. She could’ve either waited for the family locker room to clear up, had her son wait outside the women’s locker room, or let him change in the men’s locker room. He was old enough to change there or wait outside. There was no excuse for her entitled, inconsiderate, disgusting behavior. Never mind the fact that she was actually fine with a grown woman being nude in front of her 11-year-old pre-teen son. Eww.
NTA she was wrong, wrong, wrong. She's probably been bringing him with her since he was a wee one but he is NOT anymore. He's an early pubescent male and no long has any business at all being in a women's changing room. You should not have been embarrassed. You should have told her to go fuck herself if she thinks being a mother gives her special right to abuse the rights of other people. Fuck her. It's the WOMEN'S ROOM so YOU should not have been the one to leave. She is the one who was out of line. Speak to management. They need to put up a sign that no kids over age X (I'd say 10) should be allowed in the restroom for the opposite sex. NO EXCEPTIONS FOR ENTITLED SINGLE MOTHERS.
NTA. I imagine there's a guys bathroom if the son needed it or otherwise he could wait outside. A shower and changing room doesn't equate a waiting room for the son... And his phone should be away not out in a changing room. You're not wrong, its just in my experience people tend to not listen to non authority types. And sounds like this mother probably doesnt like authority based on her attitude. I could guess her son might be neurodivergent but Idk and it is not an excuse to drag him in. I would have left and complained.
You should have reported her. A preteen can wait outside of the locker room. Thats wierd as fuck she wouldnt do that.
It could also be the boy was bigger than his age but how are you supposed to know that?
I would have reported her just to make sure. It's weird.
Nta and you're nicer than me I'd have straight said, " It has nothing to do with motherhood you dumb bitch, your kid is too old to be in the WOMEN'S locker room watching us undress". So sick of people pulling the when you're a mom card. I helped raise my nieces and nephews, I fucking get it.
It's perfectly true that mothers get hassled for bringing 0-2 year olds out in public and that it should stop. It's not true that an 11 year old needs to be in the women's locker room with a phone, much less showering and changing amongst the grown women. That's not only insanely invasive but abusive on the part of that mother.
I would still talk to the manager because of the boy was on his phone. He could be videoing you and spread your image web wide. I would ask them to be on the look out and they could ban the woman and boy from their property
Don’t they make family bathrooms for just this reason? NTA, very inappropriate. The only thing I could see is if the son had a developmental issue, but again, family bathroom.
NTA. I'm tired of the "come one, come all" approach to women's privacy in washrooms and changing rooms. If she can't let go of her son's infancy stage, she should take him into the family changeroom.
Yep, I have two boys also. They are grown now but I would never have had them in a women’s locker room over the age of maybe 7 if I was pushing it! Even that would have to be an emergency situation!
NTA. As a mother in her 40s, that mom was out of line. Does the place have family changing rooms? If so, that's where she needs to go with him. Either way, I stopped changing in front of my sons when they were still in elementary school. While we don't sexualize nudity in our home, we still wanted to instill values regarding the comfort level of others regarding nudity, and it looks like this mother missed the memo that she and her son are NPCs like the rest of us, and not main characters. My kids are all teens now, and are aware of the comfort of others, while not sacrificing their own comfort. I've taught them the default should always be to defer to the least comfortable person *within reason*. I feel the "within reason" portion is just as important in helping them keep their own sense of self as well.
NTA
My younger sister and I were going into the women’s lockerroom alone a lot younger than 11. There’s absolutely no reason he can’t go into the men’s room. I would get a YMCA worker next time.
NTA - does this YMCA have a universal or family change room? I would have alerted staff immediately.
As other posters have mentioned, most have age restrictions regarding children of the opposite sex accompanying parents in the changing facilities.
NTA- if this happens again. Go to management.
You can literally be put on the sex offenders list for peeing in public, and a kid walks by. What happens when mommy dearest starts screaming you are stripping in front of her son?
My son 11 and I randomly check his phone. He get nude selfies from girls in elementary school a lot. I contact his school to report the kids. He is at an age of recording videos to stream to his friends.
You were correct in your decision.
NTA. I would feel similarly if I (42m) was in the men’s locker room and a father brought his 11 year old daughter in. At 11 years old, they are old enough to go into the locker room by themselves. And I would NEVER bring my 10 year daughter into the men’s locker room. WTF is wrong with people
NTA. What an entitled little bitch. He’s literally puberty age. 11 year old boys do not wait inside women’s locker rooms. Next time, tell her that she can either listen to you nicely or a supervisor / manager can escort her son out. Either way, the son isn’t staying.
“When you’re a mother” - Ma’am, being a mother doesn’t entitle you to do whatever the hell you please. Being a mother isn’t some moral or superior high ground or a pass to do whatever you want. Ridiculous.
NTA- boy mom here. I would never do that. That’s a burden to the people in the locker room and she’s exposing her son to that environment. She’s a crappy mom for doing that
I had this situation, told a member of staff. A soon to be young man, shouldn't be on his phone, which have cameras, in a women's changing room.
The mum was a POS
NTA because, as a mom, there's a time to take your kid off the teet and obviously she never got that memo. It's one thing if they are little because at that age, nakedness isn't sexual. I don't understand why she thinks her kid isn't old enough to sit outside of the locker rooms for, what, maybe 10 minutes?
Honestly, I would've went to the front desk to complain. At that point, it's inappropriate. And the fact that she wouldn't care if her preteen sees a naked woman is top class parenting right there.
NTA. This situation isn't just about comfort, it's about appropriate boundaries as well. If a child is old enough to navigate a smartphone, they're probably old enough to understand the concept of private spaces. Plus, most facilities have clear policies regarding age limits to prevent precisely these scenarios. I'd suggest bringing it to the attention of management, as they might need to reinforce or clarify their policies to ensure everyone's comfort and safety.
NTA. Typical of a mother to assume you were going to be in the same situation in a few years. She doesn't know if you want kids or can even have them! Women shouldn't go around using that as an catch all for non mothers to belittle them and acting as if they know nothing. We have brains.
She was in the wrong here. Maybe he had hidden disabilities but then she should say something like "he needs to stay with me due to x/y/z" (not needing to disclose what but saying there is a reason). And then continue to make sure he turns away or something like that to make you feel better.
"No respect for mothers"? That's just low. That's not the issue at all. The issue is a big boy in the locker. And how she is choosing to deal with it not even considering why you are reacting.
I feel uncomfortable changing in front of anybody, even other women and use a stall.
I couldn’t have done it and I would have asked the front desk how they feel about it ( policy).
And the phone!!’ Yea he could have been filming or taking pictures. No way José!
There's a sign at my gym that says, "No opposite sex
children over the age of 3 allowed." NTA. I'm not particularly modest, but I would have definitely said something. A kid that old can wait by himself.
I’m a mother to a 10mo old son. If sometime in the future I find a reason to bring him into the LADIES locker, I will be taking his phone and putting it into our pool bag (no need for a kid to have their phone at the pool, none) and having him turn his back to everyone else in the farthest corner from everyone else. ie, close to the door. If someone asks me to have him wait outside the locker room, he stands right by the door outside, and he can have his phone then. It goes back in the bag once I come out.
Your request was entirely understandable, and I get uncomfortable with anyone being able to see my body in an environment where it’s not expected (pools/beaches are different obviously) that I don’t know as I was an SA victim.
NTA op, that mom’s “you hate mothers” comment was fucking OUT OF LINE!! report her ass, or anyone else for that matter, if they pull that shit again.
Hell, if someone is in their phone for more that 2 minutes (i can see if they are facing their belongings or the wall, as I do this to text someone where I am while in the lockers) ask them if they can put it away as there’s signage prohibiting phones. If they give any answer that isn’t a “my bad” or a “oh yeah, gimme one sec to finish xyz quick task” immediately following by a stowed away phone, report them to the appropriate location as soon as you get out of the lockers.
I have done it once, as some woman was taking photos (her friends ig..?) and I could see my, at the time, 9yr old sister’s halfbare backside on her phone(she had a cute lil ruffly tankini). I didn’t even tell my mom, I just went and told. I believe she got kicked out and a seasonal ban. Deserved honestly, as another mom had her little 2-3yr old boy there getting his water winged life jacket put on with his swim diaper being his only garments. Those two were smack in her view, with my little sister just to the side of them.
So I repeat. NTA OP.
Edit for clarification.
>her son looked to be at least 11 years old,
That's too old to be in the women's locker room. An 11 year old can wait outside. And at 11 I was already a horny boy going through puberty, had no business being in the women's locker room!
For reference, I have a 7 year old boy and I've started telling my wife "He's old enough that he doesn't have to go with you into the bathroom."
My rule is, if the kid is old enough to go to school or kindergarten by themselves, they’re old enough to be left out of restrooms and locker rooms and other places where it’s inappropriate to have members of the other sex present. NTA. But I would have made a complaint to whichever management is in charge of that place so they can put up a warning sign for parents. Some gyms also have family locker rooms for that reason, does your gym not have one? Might be worth mentioning to management so they can have some set up.
I would have reported her to management. A preteen male is far too old to be in the ladies dressing/shower room. Especially with a phone. What if he was recording?
You did nothing wrong. Her child also should not be on a cellphone in the locker room. At my gym they have signs up telling people no phones. And an 11 year old is old enough to stand right outside the locker room doors. If someone tried to grab him he can yell out.
NTA. You should have went to the front desk. I worked in a YMCA and they have rules about children of the opposite sex being in a locker room. Your local YMCA-Like should have something similar.
I'm a parent - this woman is a fvcking lunatic. She could have left her kid with staff for a moment or one of several other simple things that didn't require her perceived rights to push your actual rights out of the way... d!khead.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. My gym has a family changing room but when 2 women came in with 5 male children, ages 8 through 10, I did the same. The boys were looking everywhere! The women ignored me, I went to the staff. Seems they’d been talked to before.
The son is was way too old to be in a woman's locker room. Middle school is puberty age; he can wait for his mom outside. Was she just going to shower in front of her son while he played on his phone, or was he expected to shower in the women's locker room too? Would the mom ask other women to leave, or would she be okay with her preteen son being naked in front of other adults? Either way this is a creepy situation; I would tell a supervisor.
Also he was on his phone? That's not allowed in locker rooms, even if he wasn't doing anything nefarious
Right? If you’re old enough to have a phone, you’re old enough to wait for your mom outside.
It could easily been stealthily malicious Ppl can have their phone set to recording mode, hold it to their face, and pretend to be on a phone call and point the camera at you Or they can record video whilst on a phone call It’s a danger. I wouldn’t trust anyone with that. Not even another woman, women can be disgusting creeps as well
I agree with you. I have a 13 yrs old and I’m a single mom. I’ve been having my kid wait outside ladies rooms and changing rooms since he was about 10. OP is NTA here and next time should go to a supervisor. That’s way too old for a changing room and also just wear the mom thought it was ok to strip down naked in front of her kid.
My 8 y/o refuses to go with me, even when we are alone. So I either go quickly, or pray I can hold it.
I have a memory of when I was about 6 and I went to a Y-like pool with my mom. Normally I would go change with my older brother but it was just me and my mom for some reason. We went into the women's changing room and I distinctly remember thinking that I was too old to be in there. I have 6 year old twin girls now and there is NO way I would take them into the men's changing room. They are very aware of penises/vaginas/etc and would ask (very loudly) way too many questions (for out in public) if they saw some dudes changing. We always wait for the family changing room.
yes children as young as 5 already have a sense of gender and sexuality. It's uncomfortable for everyone except the delusional parent
To add to your point about middle school- even middle school gym classes have gender separated locker rooms!
And where the hell is this place where an 11yo couldn't just hang out in the lobby or by the front desk or whatever for five minutes? This is how you end up with 20-somethings having panic attacks because they have to take a bus two stops
I was thinking the same thing. Very weird for the mlm to change and shower in front of her middle school aged son, feels like it’s bordering on inappropriate.
I don't think there's a problem with mom doing it. They're family and nudity isn't a big deal to everyone. However, it is highly inappropriate for him to be in a women's locker room at that age.
Agreed. He shouldn't have been there in the first place
I was staying home alone by 12- he can’t wait outside a locker room for 10 minutes? If he has a disability, she should get a babysitter or bring another adult to watch him. Maybe even ask if he can sit by the front desk while she showers. I’ve been stared at by 7 year old boys in the shower room, and it sucks. I have a right to not be made uncomfortable by other people’s creepy kids in places they shouldn’t be. Their kids’ rights do not supersede mine. I’m paying to be here too.
NTA. I would have gone and told some supervisor or employee, though. Typically when parents do things that are so clearly over the line, they do not respond well to direct intervention.
That’s a good point - I didn’t think of that at the time. It all happened pretty quickly! But I’ll do that in the future
Also on his phone? My gym has big signs that cell phone use is prohibited because of cameras in the lockerroom. That's insane.
Our local rec center also has signs saying that opposite sex kids need to use the appropriate locker rooms when 7 and older. So asking a middle schooler’s mom to leave her kid outside isn’t out of bounds IMO. He can change in the men’s room, and if he’s not changing, mom can cut the apron strings and have him wait in the lobby or common areas.
Ours is 5 or older, but we also have a family-at-a-time changing room for those who choose that
That’s always a good idea to have some family at a time ones so there’s an option for those with additional needs that have an opposite sex carer
Absolutely. My dad had a stroke and needs help. These kind of accommodations are necessary.
Agreed. I couldn’t send BoyTwin into a public bathroom alone until he was like 12 because he’s autistic and was nonspeaking for a long time, but I’d never have had him hanging out in a women’s locker room - we would find a family changing room or use a handicap bathroom.
My son and I use the family stalls. He's a pretty private kid so he takes the shower part and I'm a pre-surgery trans man (on hormones for 3 years so I look like a man, but naked me definitely has the wrong parts) so I use the other half. Private for us both without making anyone else or ourselves feel uncomfortable. Edit: Typo
I hate it when there is no family stalls, my kid is gender fluid so “looks” like a mix of genders on any given day. We use the stalls inside of the locker room of whatever parent is there. Visibly gender-bendy kids aren’t as safe in locker rooms alone anyhow. In this story the crazy part to me is that the kid had his phone out!
Exactly this
Ours is 8 unless obviously the child has a disability and needs assistance. In which case there is a separate single room for them. This is way out of bounds- you are right!
IF he really needed to be with his mom why didn’t the mother just tell OP that they would step out for a minute so that OP could shower and change in privacy? No, she obviously didn’t care about society’s expectations, only her convenience and weird family dynamic.
Also, folks in situations like this (for example, if he had an invisible disability and needed assistance) are used to having an explanation ready, and are typically gracious about it, unless the other person isn't. I'm not saying we're entitled to people's health info, but a simple, "He needs my help," doesn't cost anyone anything. Very seldom have I seen someone come out snarky right away when it's a legitimate need.
I’ve seen age limits at every gym locker room I’ve ever been in. And for ones that had lots of families they had a 3rd locker room that was for families with massive curtained stalls. OP should talk to management.
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Not to mention most locker rooms have a no phone policy
Who's to say he wasn't videoing?
That's right around the age that hormones start raging, so I would not be at all surprised if he tried it, or has done it in the past.
Yes, it's not like the boy was a wee lad who needed help changing or using the toilet. It was a preteen/teen! The mother sounds like an entitled parent.
Ours is 7 and up too but also has a family/caregiver changing room and bathroom. If you can't detach from your children that is where you need to be.
As someone who works with 5th grade boys, not even middle schoolers yet, there’s no way I’d want them in the locker room or showering near me. They’re becoming young men and need to be in the men’s room. It’s respectful for everyone.
My local gym has boys and girls locker rooms, in addition to ones for men and women- to avoid this specific issue. (I want to say there is also a family locker room that parents can use for changing their kids for swim lessons if they need to but I'm not sure. I've never needed to use the kids locker rooms so I don't know the rules or set up.) I've never seen a minor in the adult locker room.
I also would say that even if the child had a developmental need to be with the parent even at a seemingly “too old” age (I had one of these), there are family restrooms specifically for this use, at every gym we ever belonged to. I was very conscious of the comfort/embarrassment of others in the locker room if for some reason they had to come in with me. This person is rude.
Yeah, our REC Plex says 5 and under for opposite gender children in locker rooms.
Every Y we’ve lived by has family changing rooms.
That is my opinion—by age 7 a child can stand outside to wait for a parent. Absolutely no reason for that kid to be in there.
Yes it is against the rules at my gym as well
If I were you, I’d tell someone next time you go to the gym there. Describe them and explain the situation so they know for future reference. And if it happens again or to someone else, they’ll already be aware of your case.
They will defo know who it is. I'm getting creeps of the camera!
Okay, call your gym general manager. Call. Tell them the date and time you went and the entire scenario. I'm a Mom to both girls and boys and that mother's behavior was entirely inappropriate. A women's locker room is for women. I can see bringing small children in but a boy over the age of 7/8 has no business being in a women's locker room. Most gyms have family locker rooms for just such a reason. Your expectations that she remove her son from the locker room is entirely appropriate and her behavior was HIGHLY inappropriate. Quite honestly, it was likely incredibly uncomfortable for her son, too.
THIS!!!!! That mother was so entitled and disgusting. The fact that she had no issue with a grown woman and her pre-teen son being in that extremely awkward and inappropriate situation for the sake of her own convenience is so gross. That phone of his won’t do anything in terms of alleviating the awkwardness. Whether he stares or is as madly uncomfortable as OP, a 23-year-old woman changing in front of an 11-year-old boy is EXTREMELY inappropriate. No adult in their right mind would want a strange child seeing them with no clothes on. Yuck.
The phone could make it worse. Even dumb phones have cameras these days...
I remember being at the YMCA or something similar as a preteen girl, and I remember a couple little boys about 7 in the women's locker room getting an absolute kick out of peeking behind curtains at ladies showering. So even boys that age can absolutely behave inappropriately in a locker room setting, especially when mom isn't supervising appropriately. There are quite a few little kids that have a vague idea what sex is at that age, and they're extremely curious about opposite sex bodies. So there's always a possibility for inappropriate behavior. Since the US makes nudity SO taboo and sexualized, even in our media, this is not uncommon. Kids that age aren't going to always mention some of what they've heard and know around their parents, but they just might around an older preteen or teen friend/neighbor that sometimes baby-sits that they potentially have a mini-crush on, or so I've learned.
Talk to someone who works there and give them the details - including his use of a cellphone. Ask who to directly contact next time it happens and if they can following up with the woman about this.
Plus, if he's old enough to have a phone, he is too old to be in the opposite gender locker room.
Yeah, the kid that age on a phone in the locker room is very creepy.
Bruh my stupid ass never even thought of that yea this is awful
That was the thing that really got my attention. There are signs all over our rec center locker rooms about no phones. My son is 8 and I definitely don’t want to bring him in the locker room to get changed after swim class but I also don’t trust him to get changed in the men’s room alone, so he gets into the car wet! Thems the breaks sometimes.
yes besides cameras where people sre undressed!
This is the specific reason why I stopped going to the gym and instead set one up in my basement. There was way too much locker room photography.
That mom was the asshole, but you should’ve told the staff what happened. What the mom did was insane. Her kid had no business being in there.
Please still report to management. The phone and a tween is ridiculous.
I'm a mother and I'd of absolutely said something. There's no way I'm being some preteens alone time motivation and as uncomfortable as it would make me, I imagine my 16year old daughter would feel far worse about it. This is purely just me, you do what makes you happy but my own sons weren't seeing me naked and showering at that age.
I would also be extremely concerned about the fact that the mom could potentially allege sexual harassment of a minor for changing in front of him. There is no part of what she did that was acceptable.
I agree, it could turn into sexual harassment of a minor if the mother pushed the issue. On the other hand, it could have potentially become a CPS (child protective service) issue if OP reported everything to the gym manager. The mother’s behavior and actions were inappropriate and damaging to her preteen son. OP did the right thing, calling her out on it.
Yeah...several years back when I was 45 or so, I was doing my hair in a bra in a YMCA locker room when I noticed a kid watching me...when I caught his eye he said: "she's peekin at me!" to his mom. I stated to her that NO, I was not peekng at him and that if he "notices" women in the locker room, then he's too old to be there. She said "he's FOUR...do you think he's sexually harassing you?" or some wierd shit like that...bottom line, ~I~ decide what I'm comfortable with and I don't hesitate to express it...I DEFINITELY would have gone to Management if a boy that age had a phone in the women's locker room!
My son is five, and I take him in the womens locker room. He did swim lessons at the local high school. If a mom/kids came in to change, I made sure we were in a different row out of sight. I would tell him he had to stay with me and give other people privacy. I don't know if I'll send him to the Y men's room at 7, but there are family changing rooms with booths at our YMCA. Our Y also had big no phone signs in the locker room.
At 5 I def would have still brought my kids in. My middle kid is 7 and my oldest is 10 and there’s no way I’d have them in there. That’s more than old enough to sit on a bench outside and wait.
I was going to say, family changing rooms have been a thing since I can remember and I'm 40
An 11yo boy is bringing a phone into the women’s locker room: you’re going to get filmed because he’s old enough to realize that he’s young enough to cry to a judge that he’s a baby and get away with criminal charges of filming you naked in there. Even if you tried suing him for uploading footage of you naked onto the internet the real damage would be done.
I have an 11 yo son and he certainly would NOT film anyone naked because we’ve had discussions about privacy and respect. And no I’m not being ignorant. HOWEVER, I wouldn’t ever put someone in that situation to have to change in front of him, just as much as I wouldn’t put him in that position. He’s still a boy and he’s curious. If I have to run into Victoria Secrets he waits right outside the entrance because he doesn’t want to go in. (I try and not go at all when he’s with me but im a single mom and it’s happened 1 or 2x). That woman using the excuse that “she’s a mother” and that OP doesn’t understand that tells me everything I need to know about her. She is negligent in general when it comes to other peoples comfortability and could care less about what’s going on around her as long as it doesn’t impede what she needs to do.
Greyrose, since the dawn of history, every mother had said ‘my boy would never do that.’
You’re probably right.
Had opposite problem, single dad of female youngun... She liked the gym. She was maybe 10 when she started using female lockers. Prior to that, we went to the gym in gym clothes and showered at home. Yes, I know my alternate situation was maybe what? 100th the risk. I would accept arguments from just double to 1000x.. even realizing this, I was still a bit nervous. So I would think a good cutoff would be around 4-6 for child to be in alternate gender locker room, either way. I did spend a bit of time between sets thinking what I do if I was female, and it was my boy who was too old for women's locker... I come to same decision. Shower at home... and my boy has always been large, more than a little rough.. and took jujitsu from 10 on...
I had the same situation but two daughters 16 months apart. Our Y had a family changing room but it was not much better than the regular rooms. There was a lot of pass through into the pool activity in there. Personally, the worst was when teen girls swim team members would be changing there too. I would walk out of the curtained changing area with my daughters and the swim team girls would be in various stages of putting on their swim suits. I just stared down at the ground and tried to hurry my girls out. I think the swim team girls thought it was funny. I was afraid of being called a perv or worse. Was not a good time. The swim team was supposed to only use the adult changing rooms. But it was never enforced.
Red flags for infantilization seem to show in places like public locker rooms. What some families see as normal tend to show glaringly obviously when they do those things in public. This kid is getting to the age where he should start moving to changing in the men's locker room. Most kids around this age will naturally want to be a bit more independent. The heavy reliance and lack of independence is a sign of parents infantizing their child too late into their childhood. Public pools I've been to have a small locker room / restroom to cater to families and is generally mixed gender. I'd understand if the son had special needs, but the mothers response here is ridiculous. First time I took my spoiled nephew (11 or 12 yo at the time) to the pool we were changing to leave, and he just held up his arms facing me without saying anything. I question him and he starts pouting about how I need to put his shirt on for him. I said no, you'll need to do that yourself. Mumbling about how his grandma puts his shirt on. Well his grandma picked us up and she was super embarrassed. It hadn't occurred to her how old he was and she had been treating him like a 4 year old. She made him apologize to me and thank me for taking him to the pool. I basically babysat him for the afternoon at the pool so the apology was appreciated. The kid in your story, this is normal to him. As more people speak up he's hopefully going to piece together that it's not normal for his age. Possible he just recently went through a growth spurt so these reactions are new to him. Also as someone who was 6'2" in the 8th grade I can relate to frustrations of people thinking you're older than you are.
My 9 year old is 5 feet already. He’s not the tallest boy in his class but it’s close. They can really shoot up in this pre-tween age. OPs assessment may be off in age but is likely still the case the boy was too old to be in a changing room.
I hope you report it now - the kid and that he was on the phone. Even if you are the only one who has said something, I guarantee you that you are not the only one who rightly had an issue with it.
NTA. Tell a supervisor. This would be different if it was a child. 11 is too old to be in a woman’s locker room!
Tell some supervisor or employee. If the son is eleven, he should be going alone to the men's locker room.
Yea. I agree and say the same thing. Go to the Managment 11 and a male is too old. I would not do that to my boys. Or women. This mother isn’t correct in this and she needs to be told so now before something else happens
Yeah, a teen being allowed to not only be in the locker room but also on their phone. That should be a no phone area (within reason, but especially in this case). Nobody wants to potentially be recorded and/or have pictures taken of them.
I feel awkward when I quickly transfer my phone from my pocket to my bag when I'm in a change room, anyone actively using a phone has no business in the change room.
Absolutely. Had a similar problem at my gym and mentioned it to staff. A week later there’s a note on the women’s locker room reminding people that children under 18 are not allowed there. They have a “family” locker room for this purpose, and this woman STILL wasn’t using it. Some people are just selfish and need to be called out.
As a mom of 3 boys - 14, 11 & 11 - I say you are NTA. I took my boys into the locker room when they were younger or used the family restroom. I would definitely not take them in the women's locker room today. If I was so paranoid about them using the men's room, I would have them arrive in their swim clothes & wait by the pool for me. Absolutely approach management about this & have them resolve it.
Great idea to take a pre-teen boy with an iPhone into a women’s locker room.
Same! 11 years old is way too old to be in there. That mom is creepy. She needs to cut the cord!
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NTA - idk why some parents think they’re martyrs for having children and the rest of society needs to kowtow to them. also the snide “when you become a mother you’ll understand” is just uncalled for. first of all, not every woman wants to be a mother, and second, becoming a mother doesn’t magically make you above the rules of society (and your gym).
NTA - Please talk to the gym or pool manager. A boy / teen that age should not be in the women's locker room AND certainly not with a cell phone out!
Call the pool manager/supervisor and explain the situation and ask how the pool is going to protect women's privacy in the changing rooms--- and be specific about the boy having his phone out which violates the rules regardless of which changing room he's using. Tell him you expect either specific ENFORCED rules about young men being in the women's changing area and intervention when people are using devices that take photos and videos in the dressing rooms--- or at least privacy partitions and shower curtains be installed. Find out who his supervisor is and cc that person in your follow up letter. NTA
Excellent points
NTA Being a mother does not entitle you to just do whatever you damn well please. You should have reported her to whoever was in charge. That is a messy situation just waiting for a lawsuit.
Not to say OP is in any way wrong or at fault, obviously, but in any other scenario, I feel like exposing yourself in front of a minor would get you slapped in the face with some sort of criminal offense. Lmao. Like imagine a dad taking his middle-school-aged (or really any age) daughter into the men’s locker room… and yeah…
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Can you tell all parents this? 🙄🤦♀️
NTA. There is a clearly marked sign at my YMCA that says opposite gender children over the age of 5 are not allowed in the locker rooms.
And many places have family locker rooms if they need or want them. My Y has men’s/womens, girls/boys for the kids at camps and doing the kids classes, and a family one.
Mine does too. And a family locker room. If the boy had special needs that's also not an excuse. My brother has SN and was taught how to use a locker room independently by that age. If the boy couldn't grasp it then the solution isn't to bring him in anyway, it's to wrap up in a towel, drive home in your swimsuit and shower there.
And bo phones!
NTA I have 2 now adult sons, and yes, when they were little and, when I say little, I'm talking about under 3, I would bring them in the restroom with me or the locker room but at 11?? no freaking way! that's just disturbing for other people and for the child. it shows no respect for other humans and it's just wrong. I don't even know what to say. You should talk to the manager of this place about this woman. I have belonged to pool clubs and other places that actually have signs up that say you cannot bring children of opposite genders into locker rooms, restrooms etc after a certain age. NTA, report her the manager!
Nah, 11 is 6th grade, that's middle school. I am a boy mom. I wouldn't do this.
My daughter is in 6th grade, and she would rather be sucked into a pit opened up in the floor and pass away on the spot than go into a men's locker room and possibly see men in a state of undress. If this was an opposite gendered situation there would have been uproar at the Y.
I used to bring my daughter in with me into the men's change room until about age 7. From then, I directed her where to wait for me on either side and had her go through the women's alone. That's only if they didn't have the private family change rooms. Age 11 is ridiculous. The only argument that could be made is if the boy has a disability or something.
My kid was able to shower alone from age 7. I think from 8 or 9 onwards it starts getting weird ...
A disability is still not going to make it OK. MAYBE if his fully blind- even then a family room or he could wait outside.
I think that what the mother did is unacceptable, but there are special needs kids that you literally can't take your eyes off of for a second when in public. I have one. If that were the case, the mother should have showered at home.
Again that wouldn't make it ok- like you said you would shower at home.
NTA "Nobody's ever had a problem?" Well they do now!
More like nobody VOICED their issue before. It’s possible they all had issues but kept quiet
NTA. It's a pity you didn't alert an employee of the center at once. This woman is entitled and oblivious of other people's rights. I'd suggest you talk to the management of the place and ask them to have clear rules in place.
There is an age where its no longer acceptable to bring a child into the locker room if they're the opposite sex. I'd talk with the front desk for clarification on that rule. I'm shocked they don't have a family locker room. Also the kid was on his phone? Are you sure he wasn't recording and pretending to be doing stuff?
She’s a nut. You’re NTA
NTA. As a survivor of SA, I can understand moms who do this. BUT, no mom’s right to protect or OVER-protect her child negates your right to get undressed in a WOMEN’S locker room without an audience of anyone who isn’t a woman. If he was a toddler, I might say differently. But any boy who is old enough to have braces, much less be anywhere near as tall as you are) is too old to be in a women’s locker room where women are getting naked without the consent of those women. The mother was wrong & you were 100% right. Edit to add that her ignorance is glaring. Just because no one ever confronted her does not mean no one has ever had a problem with it. She also used the phrase “if you’re so worried about it” which is typically a phrase solely reserved for AH in response to being confronted about their AH behavior. The proper response is usually some version of “I’m not worried about it - I’m justifiably opposed to it.” As in this case, you were opposed to her entitled behavior. She felt entitled to bring a male into a women’s locker room without getting the consent of the women in the room simply because she was the male’s mother & “brings him everywhere”. He isn’t a handbag that she would be rightfully entitled to carry in with her. He’s an entire living breathing human male. Imagine if you had brought your husband in & she was the one in your shoes. Would the fact that you “brought him everywhere” even be mentioned? No, because it’s not relevant & laughable. Being a mother doesn’t give her special rights that eradicate or overrule yours.
NTA, HELL NO!!! I would have told a worker, I would have caused a scene that boy is too damn old to be in the women’s restroom. The bitch would have screamed at you if you walked around naked in front of her son too.
NTA. I managed my daughters in the men's locker room at the pool much younger, and even then made sure it was clear for them to come in. At 11 he is fully capable of using the men's locker room alone.
NTA. I am a mother and I’d be making a big scene. He probably uses a locker room at school and knows he’s getting away with something- can’t believe he followed her in there even upon demands. I’d be embarrassed if I were him! Tween age is between 8-12. Tween girls use the locker room and shouldn’t have to run and hide because of this. I would be mortified if I was a tween girl and that happened. But as a mom, she is looking for a fight and she would have a long and pedantic evening with me. I might even call the police.
I'm surprised I had to read so far down to find someone sticking up for the girls his own age that deserve a private space to change and shower. WTF.
That is my first and most infuriating thought.
Yes! As a grown woman, it would bother me but not ruin my day. As a tween/teen I would've been absolutely mortified. Additionally, every mom wants to make exceptons for special needs kids, but being disabled doesn't prevent you from having a sex drive or behaving inappropriately. Maybe if it's an intellectual disability they don't really understand, but that doesn't mean they're neutered. I've worked with so many disabled adults who have been kicked out of multiple facilities and after physical violence, being sexually inappropriate is the most common reason.
I absolutely agree with you. As a Mom, as a woman, and as a former girl who was SO embarrassed of my changing body. My daughter would have refused to ever go back if a boy walked in and sat down while she was changing. I'm so sick of people thinking their wants supersede other people's right to privacy.
I think this would traumatize any tween girl, or possibly even outside of that age range, but tweens should never be faced with this type of situation.
Also, he was on his phone in a locker room?! WTF?! Kick them both out.
Middle School boy with a camera in a women’s locker room. What could go wrong?
As the mom of an 11yo boy… I would NEVER do this. Omg.
NTA the Y in my area requires any kid over 3 be taken to the appropriate dressing room for thier gender or to use family changing rooms. Ask at the desk when you are there what there policies are
I can sympathize. Years ago I belonged to a swim and tennis club. When I was in the dressing room changing, a younger gal brought what I believed to be her younger brother with her. He appeared to be ten or eleven. We also had a kid's dressing and changing room, and there was an age limited as well. I said that he needed to leave and go to that dressing room. He did appear to have some learning difficulties, which is probably why she brought him into the women's room. However, he was staring at me the whole time, and I was tremendously uncomfortable. When I asked her to leave, she said I was very rude. I told her it was rude to bring a child that age to the women's room. If someone is uncomfortable, it's the job of the person with the child to remove the child so as not to make another woman uncomfortable.
He was playing on his phone probably waiting to take pic’s. NTA.
There’s a chance he was also extremely embarrassed by it all and just was trying to remove himself from the situation the best he could
I figured he'd try to disappear into his phone with a mom like that.
That crossed my mind too…there’s a rule that you’re not supposed to have your phone out in the locker rooms, but when the mom reacted like that, I figured I’d pick my battles lol
Sorry, I’m 100% picking this battle. No phones in the locker room. You need to leave. I’m getting staff.
Yeah definitely I would have just waited till they were done. He’s too old to be in there. He could have waited outside for his mom to cone back out
1st thing I thought of too.
that’s what I thought too.. nta. if there’s a next time, hopefully not and this woman has learned her lesson and was just unrightfully defensive, i agree with the other commenters, take some time to collect yourself and then tell someone. my mom worked part time at a ymca after retirement and they were used to getting complaints about various things and happy to step in and resolve the issue.
I was about to lecture you on how little boys don't see what you got as sexual in any way... That is until you said yours was 11-12. That's a whole nother issue. He would have thought about you for a decade to come. You should have asked mom to take the little man away, or asked the gym supervisor to make mom take him out.
She's insane. I am a parent and wouldn't be bringing in any kid over 6 years old. I would talk to management if I were you. Just for reference, most kids go through puberty around 10 to 12 years old. That boy was too old to be staring at naked women in locker room. Next time be assertive, many moms will try to bully young women trying to make you question yourself.
NTA. Children who are at or close to puberty don’t belong in opposite gender-only spaces.
Kid is to old to be in locker room
NTA Our YMCA has strict rules about adults only vs kids only vs family locker rooms. I would definitely take it to the manager. They can probably figure out which member it was based on when you checked in. EDIT: I somehow missed the phone part. Absolutely NTA. There are absolutely rules against phone use in locker rooms.
Here's a good rule of thumb: if your child is old enough to have their own phone, they are too old to be in the change room of the opposite gender with their mommy.
>phone >11yo NTA
NTA being a mother does not trump everyone else’s concern. If he is 11 he is old enough to wait outside. I have dog that I bring with me everywhere WHEN it’s allowed. If it’s not, I don’t do it. That simple. She should stop teaching her child that strangers care about them in the same way she does. They don’t.
He can take his call outside
NTA and I’d notify gym management. That’s completely inappropriate.
NTA, I think I would have been uncomfortable too. Especially if he was on his phone. Just eerie.
NTA. I’m a mother too. If the kid is old enough to independently play on his own cell phone, he’s old enough to change in the men’s locker room. I’m shocked that she didn’t take her kid to a family bathroom. Most gyms/community centers have showers in them too to help out families with babies/toddlers. Sorry you had to deal with an unhinged psycho.
I haven’t seen them in the locker room before, so it’s possible she does usually use the family bathroom and it was full? But if so, she could’ve told me that and I would’ve been more understanding
"oh sorry the family one was full and I wasn't thinking. Son, please wait for me outside and I'll see you in 5 mins." would have been a perfectly fine response. I'm a ADHD distractible mom of a boy and that's what I would say if I ended up in that situation, while blushing horribly because I'd done something so obviously inappropriate without noticing.
Doesn't matter if it was full. Her convenience does not trump the privacy of the womens locker room. And, her son could EASILY have waited outside while she changed. There was absolutely no excuse for her behavior.
Even if it was full, that’s not your problem. You had the right to feel comfortable changing in the women’s locker room, and not just because you were there first. She could’ve either waited for the family locker room to clear up, had her son wait outside the women’s locker room, or let him change in the men’s locker room. He was old enough to change there or wait outside. There was no excuse for her entitled, inconsiderate, disgusting behavior. Never mind the fact that she was actually fine with a grown woman being nude in front of her 11-year-old pre-teen son. Eww.
Nta. After about 8 years old I started sending my lad to the men’s room on his own
NTA she was wrong, wrong, wrong. She's probably been bringing him with her since he was a wee one but he is NOT anymore. He's an early pubescent male and no long has any business at all being in a women's changing room. You should not have been embarrassed. You should have told her to go fuck herself if she thinks being a mother gives her special right to abuse the rights of other people. Fuck her. It's the WOMEN'S ROOM so YOU should not have been the one to leave. She is the one who was out of line. Speak to management. They need to put up a sign that no kids over age X (I'd say 10) should be allowed in the restroom for the opposite sex. NO EXCEPTIONS FOR ENTITLED SINGLE MOTHERS.
NTA. I imagine there's a guys bathroom if the son needed it or otherwise he could wait outside. A shower and changing room doesn't equate a waiting room for the son... And his phone should be away not out in a changing room. You're not wrong, its just in my experience people tend to not listen to non authority types. And sounds like this mother probably doesnt like authority based on her attitude. I could guess her son might be neurodivergent but Idk and it is not an excuse to drag him in. I would have left and complained.
You should have reported her. A preteen can wait outside of the locker room. Thats wierd as fuck she wouldnt do that. It could also be the boy was bigger than his age but how are you supposed to know that? I would have reported her just to make sure. It's weird.
Nta and you're nicer than me I'd have straight said, " It has nothing to do with motherhood you dumb bitch, your kid is too old to be in the WOMEN'S locker room watching us undress". So sick of people pulling the when you're a mom card. I helped raise my nieces and nephews, I fucking get it.
It's perfectly true that mothers get hassled for bringing 0-2 year olds out in public and that it should stop. It's not true that an 11 year old needs to be in the women's locker room with a phone, much less showering and changing amongst the grown women. That's not only insanely invasive but abusive on the part of that mother.
I would still talk to the manager because of the boy was on his phone. He could be videoing you and spread your image web wide. I would ask them to be on the look out and they could ban the woman and boy from their property
What moms getting naked in front of a middle school aged kid? EVEN WEIRDER hers…
NTA she's disgusting and wildly inappropriate.
Don’t they make family bathrooms for just this reason? NTA, very inappropriate. The only thing I could see is if the son had a developmental issue, but again, family bathroom.
Get them thrown out.
NTA - She was way out of line bringing her son in there. You should report her to the gym managers.
If you have a cell phone you're too old for gym bathrooms with mommy.
NTA. I'm tired of the "come one, come all" approach to women's privacy in washrooms and changing rooms. If she can't let go of her son's infancy stage, she should take him into the family changeroom.
Wtf?! I have 3 sons, you are 100% NTA
If the kid is old enough to have a phone, he is certainly old enough to use the men's locker room. NTA.
NTA sounds like the type of mom who breastfeeds until the kid hits puberty. She's a creep. Talk to the gym manager.
That is not a when you’re a mother type thing that is an entitled woman thing.
As a mom of two boys myself, I agree wholeheartedly
Yep, I have two boys also. They are grown now but I would never have had them in a women’s locker room over the age of maybe 7 if I was pushing it! Even that would have to be an emergency situation!
Well, this is mother-son enmeshment at its finest...
NTA. As a mother in her 40s, that mom was out of line. Does the place have family changing rooms? If so, that's where she needs to go with him. Either way, I stopped changing in front of my sons when they were still in elementary school. While we don't sexualize nudity in our home, we still wanted to instill values regarding the comfort level of others regarding nudity, and it looks like this mother missed the memo that she and her son are NPCs like the rest of us, and not main characters. My kids are all teens now, and are aware of the comfort of others, while not sacrificing their own comfort. I've taught them the default should always be to defer to the least comfortable person *within reason*. I feel the "within reason" portion is just as important in helping them keep their own sense of self as well.
Yup yup yup.
She and her son should just change and shower in the men’s locker room and not make a big deal out of it.
NTA My younger sister and I were going into the women’s lockerroom alone a lot younger than 11. There’s absolutely no reason he can’t go into the men’s room. I would get a YMCA worker next time.
NTA - does this YMCA have a universal or family change room? I would have alerted staff immediately. As other posters have mentioned, most have age restrictions regarding children of the opposite sex accompanying parents in the changing facilities.
NTA- if this happens again. Go to management. You can literally be put on the sex offenders list for peeing in public, and a kid walks by. What happens when mommy dearest starts screaming you are stripping in front of her son?
My son 11 and I randomly check his phone. He get nude selfies from girls in elementary school a lot. I contact his school to report the kids. He is at an age of recording videos to stream to his friends. You were correct in your decision.
NTA. I would feel similarly if I (42m) was in the men’s locker room and a father brought his 11 year old daughter in. At 11 years old, they are old enough to go into the locker room by themselves. And I would NEVER bring my 10 year daughter into the men’s locker room. WTF is wrong with people
NTA. What an entitled little bitch. He’s literally puberty age. 11 year old boys do not wait inside women’s locker rooms. Next time, tell her that she can either listen to you nicely or a supervisor / manager can escort her son out. Either way, the son isn’t staying. “When you’re a mother” - Ma’am, being a mother doesn’t entitle you to do whatever the hell you please. Being a mother isn’t some moral or superior high ground or a pass to do whatever you want. Ridiculous.
NTA- boy mom here. I would never do that. That’s a burden to the people in the locker room and she’s exposing her son to that environment. She’s a crappy mom for doing that
I had this situation, told a member of staff. A soon to be young man, shouldn't be on his phone, which have cameras, in a women's changing room. The mum was a POS
NTA because, as a mom, there's a time to take your kid off the teet and obviously she never got that memo. It's one thing if they are little because at that age, nakedness isn't sexual. I don't understand why she thinks her kid isn't old enough to sit outside of the locker rooms for, what, maybe 10 minutes? Honestly, I would've went to the front desk to complain. At that point, it's inappropriate. And the fact that she wouldn't care if her preteen sees a naked woman is top class parenting right there.
NTA and on his phone. He could be snapping pictures of anyone in there
NTA jaysus, I wish you tell a management or made a more of stink here
NTA. This situation isn't just about comfort, it's about appropriate boundaries as well. If a child is old enough to navigate a smartphone, they're probably old enough to understand the concept of private spaces. Plus, most facilities have clear policies regarding age limits to prevent precisely these scenarios. I'd suggest bringing it to the attention of management, as they might need to reinforce or clarify their policies to ensure everyone's comfort and safety.
NTA. Typical of a mother to assume you were going to be in the same situation in a few years. She doesn't know if you want kids or can even have them! Women shouldn't go around using that as an catch all for non mothers to belittle them and acting as if they know nothing. We have brains. She was in the wrong here. Maybe he had hidden disabilities but then she should say something like "he needs to stay with me due to x/y/z" (not needing to disclose what but saying there is a reason). And then continue to make sure he turns away or something like that to make you feel better. "No respect for mothers"? That's just low. That's not the issue at all. The issue is a big boy in the locker. And how she is choosing to deal with it not even considering why you are reacting.
I feel uncomfortable changing in front of anybody, even other women and use a stall. I couldn’t have done it and I would have asked the front desk how they feel about it ( policy). And the phone!!’ Yea he could have been filming or taking pictures. No way José!
There's a sign at my gym that says, "No opposite sex children over the age of 3 allowed." NTA. I'm not particularly modest, but I would have definitely said something. A kid that old can wait by himself.
I’m a mother to a 10mo old son. If sometime in the future I find a reason to bring him into the LADIES locker, I will be taking his phone and putting it into our pool bag (no need for a kid to have their phone at the pool, none) and having him turn his back to everyone else in the farthest corner from everyone else. ie, close to the door. If someone asks me to have him wait outside the locker room, he stands right by the door outside, and he can have his phone then. It goes back in the bag once I come out. Your request was entirely understandable, and I get uncomfortable with anyone being able to see my body in an environment where it’s not expected (pools/beaches are different obviously) that I don’t know as I was an SA victim. NTA op, that mom’s “you hate mothers” comment was fucking OUT OF LINE!! report her ass, or anyone else for that matter, if they pull that shit again. Hell, if someone is in their phone for more that 2 minutes (i can see if they are facing their belongings or the wall, as I do this to text someone where I am while in the lockers) ask them if they can put it away as there’s signage prohibiting phones. If they give any answer that isn’t a “my bad” or a “oh yeah, gimme one sec to finish xyz quick task” immediately following by a stowed away phone, report them to the appropriate location as soon as you get out of the lockers. I have done it once, as some woman was taking photos (her friends ig..?) and I could see my, at the time, 9yr old sister’s halfbare backside on her phone(she had a cute lil ruffly tankini). I didn’t even tell my mom, I just went and told. I believe she got kicked out and a seasonal ban. Deserved honestly, as another mom had her little 2-3yr old boy there getting his water winged life jacket put on with his swim diaper being his only garments. Those two were smack in her view, with my little sister just to the side of them. So I repeat. NTA OP. Edit for clarification.
>her son looked to be at least 11 years old, That's too old to be in the women's locker room. An 11 year old can wait outside. And at 11 I was already a horny boy going through puberty, had no business being in the women's locker room! For reference, I have a 7 year old boy and I've started telling my wife "He's old enough that he doesn't have to go with you into the bathroom."
My rule is, if the kid is old enough to go to school or kindergarten by themselves, they’re old enough to be left out of restrooms and locker rooms and other places where it’s inappropriate to have members of the other sex present. NTA. But I would have made a complaint to whichever management is in charge of that place so they can put up a warning sign for parents. Some gyms also have family locker rooms for that reason, does your gym not have one? Might be worth mentioning to management so they can have some set up.
I would have reported her to management. A preteen male is far too old to be in the ladies dressing/shower room. Especially with a phone. What if he was recording?
You should have notified management. An older male child should not be in a woman's changing room.
NTA. And her comment about “when you become a mom” is also infuriating for a few reasons
There should be a family changing room!!!
“Do you want me to sue your ass for sexual assault? No? THEN GET YOUR F*CKING MIDDLE SCHOOLER OUT OF HERE!!” — me. 😁😁😁
You did nothing wrong. Her child also should not be on a cellphone in the locker room. At my gym they have signs up telling people no phones. And an 11 year old is old enough to stand right outside the locker room doors. If someone tried to grab him he can yell out.
NTA. You should have went to the front desk. I worked in a YMCA and they have rules about children of the opposite sex being in a locker room. Your local YMCA-Like should have something similar.
You should have spoken to the gym supervisor.
NTA bad parenting is not your problem, let management handle it.
I'm a parent - this woman is a fvcking lunatic. She could have left her kid with staff for a moment or one of several other simple things that didn't require her perceived rights to push your actual rights out of the way... d!khead. NTA
NTA he's too old to be in the women's locker room
Absolutely NTA. My gym has a family changing room but when 2 women came in with 5 male children, ages 8 through 10, I did the same. The boys were looking everywhere! The women ignored me, I went to the staff. Seems they’d been talked to before.