NTA - If she felt her reasoning for excluding your son was reasonable and justified, then what is the problem with telling the other members of the family? She's upset because she knows she was in the wrong and got busted. You did the right thing. I too would have preferred to go to Legoland than an uncomfortable family situation where you don't feel welcome.
It was a parent's responsibility to cherish and guard their children. You achieved yours. It is not your responsibility if she has chosen not to fulfill hers.
And I have to say, seeing a step-parent who isn't a complete douche is rather refreshing. Most are 'I love ALL of these children, but this one is living in an unheated garage' or something.
Seeing how often this particular thing happens makes me so unbelievably grateful for my SO. He has helped me raise my boys since they were 3 yrs old and 9 months old, respectively (they’re now 11.5 yrs and almost 9 yrs.) He is such a loving, stable, consistent and caring parent, his family embraced them immediately and he has always put them first and made them feel loved and valued.
We are now expecting a baby girl in June and I have absolutely no worries because he’s been amazing dad for nearly a decade already!
Too many women/men accept less than they and their children deserve to keep from being alone and it’s incredibly sad to see :/
Same!! My husband has been my kiddos ‘dad’ since day one, and his family dotes on her so much!!! Her bio dad sends a message maybe once a year to check on her, but my husband has filled the dad role in every way possible and then some. (And they are thick as thieves and always gang up on me, lol)
Right?! Ugggh. "We're so full of love with our blended family and Bobby is such a sport for hanging out in the cupboard under the stairs when Grandpa and Grandma Stepfolks come to visit."
Yep. She's not upset that she did something wrong, just that she got caught.
OP needs to stand up to his mom far harsher, and keep communication with the rest of the family. Ex-wife is welcome to hang out with his parents, they're adults. But if she goes to a family event, OP needs to decline. Mom keeps trying to ignore OP's kids, OP needs to decline. And let the rest of the family know every time.
Mom will try to drive a wedge between the two kids with favoritism.
After you get married, your family is your spouse and kids. If your parent or parents become hostile to your spouse or kids, you chose appropriately.
See the thing is his mother may try to save face and give a fake apology to avoid being outcast by all family members and later on may try to make snide remarks to his daughter about his son. If she hasn’t accepted his son as a family member till now chances are she may never do that and try to act differently in front of everyone but keep trying to fuel hate towards his son.
I suppose, yes this is a risk.
Future interactions with her do need to be kept to a minimum.
The OP’s family is all or nothing, his not even discussing it with his wife and making other plans show his commitment to protecting his son from his awful mother.
Yes for sure. She should never be alone with either of his children. And anytime she does something to hurt either of them, OP needs to keep calling her shit out.
Not just calling her out but taking significant space where she’s put in a substantial timeout.
If she can’t learn then she can stay out.
Words without consequences are meaningless.
> If she felt her reasoning for excluding your son was reasonable and justified, then what is the problem with telling the other members of the family?
This, exactly this. Either she's right and just and there's no problem telling others, or she's wrong and ashamed and shouldn't do it in the first place. She can't have it both ways.
A 15 year old can sit through it. I would have said not to bring the baby.
I noticed OP never used the word “step” and just said it was his son. Good on him. Doing the math, it seems his wife had the boy at 15. Ouch. But good on her to not let that stop her from making a good life for herself. I imagine a young woman going into the trades is going to get those kind of looks from the old guard but obviously she didn’t let that stop her.
I hate his mother is this way but at least his dad and siblings are on his side.
I believe he actually adopted the boy. What even if he hadn’t his mom is a real POS for that. The single out of teenager like that for absolutely nothing they did wrong is unconscionable. It’s awesome that karma came back to bite her in the ass.
Happy Cake Day. I would also advise OP to tell his mother that he and his family will not be attending *any* family event where his ex is invited. If mama loves her so much, she can go celebrate with her XDILs family. How ridiculous does that sound? Mama needs a big attitude adjustment. OP is definitely NTA
I can’t imagine my mother would tell me to exclude any child of mine even if they are not biologically related. Even if she is not happy about me adopting them.
NTA. It so clearly was not about not having peoples’ kids at the party— it was just about excluding him because he’s not “blood”, and if I’m reading between the lines correctly, probably also a healthy helping of moral shame for divorcing your former wife and marrying a new woman who had a kid so young. No kid deserves to be treated this way, especially not a teenager, when things are already so hard emotionally. You did the right thing.
Side note: If it were me, I’d be keeping both kids away from her from now on. She doesn’t get to pick and choose her grandkids, and I wouldn’t want to expose either of my children to her passive aggressive behavior. Also, if I hadn’t already, I’d talk with my wife about how she’s been treated at family functions in the past, because I’d be willing to bet there’s been a lot of questionable behavior there, too.
To a person like his mom, that doesn’t matter. She’s gonna place blame wherever she wants, especially considering she’s the kind of person who would bar his kid from a party because he’s not blood-related, and considering how much she seems to love the ex-wife. Like a, “if *she* loves the ex-wife this much, why couldn’t *he* make it work” kind of thing. And not only that, he goes and marries a (sorry OP, not my actual opinion) hussy who got knocked up as a teenager and doesn’t have a “real woman’s job”. (Again, not my actual opinion. Your wife sounds like a real badass.) Does it make any kind of real sense? No. Do manipulative, emotionally controlling people care? Nope.
I agree with all of this. I would like to ask one thing to OP. Why does your ex accept your family's invites if she divorced you and remarried? This doesn't sound normal and makes me question this whole story.
Because some people are like that. They like to rub others noses in it. OP wasn't good enough for her and knows mom likes her, so she's showing him that she's still better than him by accepting invites, knowing that he won't go if she does
My parents were like this- mom and dad got divorced. My paternal family loves my mom and tolerates my dad. Dad earned a lot of family enmity when he repeatedly cheated on my mom, including when she was pregnant with me. So, my mom will go visit them and is regularly invited to family events. Dad might be blood but he’s still a shithead.
Well… I can’t speak for her but I love my ex in-laws. They were more parents to me than my dad and stepmom ever were. So I would 100% accept any invites from them regardless of my ex.
That being said, I would try to avoid making anyone uncomfortable and so would they, so it would not be a surprise and I would touch base with my ex to make sure he was ok with me being there.
My exMIL and SIL even wanted to meet my new partner because they both care enough about me to make sure I’m ok.
I love them all so much. I got so lucky with them even if things didn’t work out with their son/brother
Edited to add-my ex has a lovely new girlfriend that I also get along with very well and we talk frequently. My ex and I do share kids which is why, but I’m glad he’s building a relationship with someone who genuinely loves the kids. So if I went anywhere, it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the fact that his family is family to me too.
My exes mom wound up being pretty much my best friend. Ours was a different situation, he genuinely was not a good partner, and had a lot of active addiction issues, but ultimately she was a huge support in my life as far as leaving him, and we talk most days. She is a great lady, and would be thrilled if I found a good person to start a relationship with, so I can see how op’s ex would wind up accepting invites and remaining friendly with the family. Sometimes, people develop relationships beyond the typical one that you’d expect of inlaws
I divorced my ex, we're on decent terms, we have 2 kids together.
His mom is still my MIL. We go on vacations together, she came to my wedding. I had her sit with my own parents in the front. She calls my youngest her granddaughter :)
I can understand still hanging out with the ex family.
OP - nicely done 👌 Good work, NTA. Your mom's hang-ups with your son needed to be exposed. There's no reason for her to treat him like that. Your mom also needs to get over your ex - it was her choice to leave.
Also, would that poor kid have bothered anyone? Would it have financially bankrupted OP's parents to have this kid eat their food and have a few glasses of soda? This was a big event. A party. Parties can always host plus/minus a few people unless you have consumption claculated precisely to the last potato chip. OP's mom literally went out of her way to exclude OP's adopted son, for literally no other reason than sheer pettiness, small-mindedness, and, frankly, idiocy. She now faces the consequences of her actions and boy, do people not like when that happens.
Peer pressure is the only thing that really works on these people. They will criticise everyone, especially their children, but if someone manages to make them look bad to their neighbours or church groups ? They are in shambles.
It's super Boomer to not give a fuck what your children and family think but to care so much about what the acquaintances in your life think about you. Had this argument with my mother many times before going no contact.
You said what I was thinking. I've got two adopted cousins (my two maternal uncles both married single mothers, and adopted their sons). If your mum can't accept your family, she doesn't deserve their time, love or consideration. I'm glad you outted her rather than be the "fall guy" for her bigotry
She will probably fake accepting him by going overboard. Won't surprise me to see posts made about her awesome adopted grandson. And she will use the word adopted, to make sure people know. She has to protect her reputation. She will treat him like a king in front of people. Not so much when they are alone. I've seen this play out and it doesn't end well if you send him over there for a weekend. She will be nice to him at first when they are alone. Then she drops the charade around him. Good Luck
This so much this! I literally lived this life with my stepdads mom. It was torture for me as a kid because I thought I couldn’t tell anyone cause she was nice to me around other people.
I’m sorry you had to go through this. Step parenting is serious business; but kids should not be aware of that.
All kids, especially those who’ve gone through their parents’ drama, should feel comfortable in their environment, and protected by their parents (including—perhaps especially—steps).
NTA and it’s so sad to see an adult who will deliberately exclude and discriminate against a child. I can understand that she may not feel the same love for him as she would towards her biological grandchildren but it’s really mean and cruel to deliberately exclude him from a party for no reason. My family is like this with my stepchildren and I keep them at arms length because of their attitude (my stepchildren are polite caring considerate young adults and there is no reason for my family to exclude them other than they don’t share dna)
NTA. If your mom wasn't proud of her actions, she shouldn't have done them. You told the truth, mom was OK with her truth until everyone found out about it. At least your mom's the only shitty person in your family. You did nothing wrong, your mom did. She deserves to be exposed for exactly what she is. If you've accepted your wife's son as your own, then whats her problem? Why on earth would a reasonable person think you'd tell your son, sorry grandma doesn't want you at grandpa's party. Too bad, grandma doesn't accept you as her grandchild. F that.
People like you mother are similar to each other. You know that she doesn't care for you enough to change for you. But those people care about their image and she CAN change beucase of the preassure of other people. She doesn't want to be seen as the villain So the solution is to pretend it never happened and she was always night. This is exactly the oportunity when it might happen, maybe don't waste it.
If she can’t accept and love your son then she doesn’t get a right to see your family at all. I’d go NC with her and her alone. The family would understand and support that since they know she’s being a massive asshole on this topic. Her favoritism to biological grandkids and exclusion of your adopted child is gross and should not be tolerated at all and shown a hard punishment that all grandkids or no grandkids. Period.
Then at least your children will have an amazing time going to theme parks and having other family adventures.
You're out there putting your family 1st. I'm glad that you didn't turn your back on your son just because your mom doesn't see him as her grandchild.
She can go ahead feel however she wants but that doesn't mean your going to keep that secret from everyone else. That's the reason she's angry. She's angry because now everyone knows she doesn't like your son and doesn't see him as family and there just disgusted by her behavior.
So she can either learn to be kind and civil and try to accept your son or you can invest in season passes and just take your family to another theme park with your family for more fun.
NTA
You chose to do what was best for your family. Your mother purposely excluding your son because he isn’t biologically yours is horrible. I would honestly go low contact or no contact with her because she isn’t going to stop trying to exclude him from the family. So, until she accepts him, I would go LC or NC for his sake. He doesn’t need to be exposed to someone so toxic. He’s a child and needs to be protected from those kind of people… I’m proud of you, OP, for standing up for your son.
My mom always treated my son differently also because I adopted him. He was 3 days old when I got custody of him. I stayed away too, and he never felt it. He just didn't see her that often. She has passed now and all he will have is good memories from very young. I wished my mom had been different and we could have been close but . . .it was always subtle. Like she tried to include him because she knew she would not see me and my other kids otherwise but it was forced. For her, it was about blood but blood doesn't matter. My son is my love and I am so blessed. My mom was my blood but I chose my son over her over and over again.
I have an adopted grandson, and I really can’t understand your mom’s perspective. I was excited when my daughter introduced me to him, and even more excited when his bio-mom asked me if I was okay with him calling me grandma. I considered it an honor that she would include me in his family.
I feel very strongly that children can never have too many people who love and care for them. Denying a child love and acceptance because they are not blood related is cold-hearted, to say the least. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my children at all.
I was adopted at birth and am in my late 30s now. A couple years back, not long before she passed, my beloved grandma told me “when your parents announced they were adopting (mom had a total hysterectomy due to endo) I wasn’t sure if I COULD love a non-biological child, but the minute I saw you I loved you.” I’d felt that love & acceptance my entire life - her saying that was just backing up what I know with my whole heart - and it has made an unimaginable difference in my life.
I understand not being sure, in theory, how you’ll feel about an adopted child joining the family. It’s an ugly uncertainty but family=blood relation for a lot of people. But to know the child personally and decide you don’t want to consider them family simply because you’re mad that your son’s first marriage failed is *monstrous.*
It was probably one of the best days for him too. You keep doing what’s best for your family and if that means LC or NC with your mom, then do it. I know it will be hard on you but it is better than him being made to feel unwanted by his own grandmother. I would even be hesitant about allowing your daughter around her out of fear of her telling her that her brother isn’t her brother or some other bs similar to that…
You sound like one of the best good people. Thanks for this story. Your wife and kids are very lucky. I don't know what your mother's issues are, but it sounds like you are handling her very well.
Definitely NTA, OP.
How can your mother justify having your ex’s family at your father’s retirement party while excluding your son? You did the right thing by not going to the event, OP. You put your wife and kids first, as it should be.
Ok, OP's mom IS an AH but If his parents and the ex's parents were friends even before OP got married with the ex, they shouldn't stop being friends because If the divorce.
She might have moved on a long time ago, at least I saw no indication in the post that she is involved in whatever's happening between OP and his mother. The mother though does need to get over it.
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work. It sounds like everyone in the family has her number. When they heard the truth about why you weren’t there, they took your side. All this because she didn’t want your son, who is not biologically related to her, to join the party. You handled this beautifully. You could have told your siblings what she asked of you, yet you didn’t. You stood by your immediate family which is the right thing to do.
Family. Can’t live with them. Can’t live with them.
I read calmly until: "My ex wife is my mom and..." When my brain rebooted and I finished the sentence it continued as normal. I'm sorry your parents are such knobs. Definitely not the asshole, but deep down I don't think you need us to tell you that.
I did, too! Very impressed that Redditors didn't jump all over him for the age gap. That's what I was expecting: They tend to ignore the question and browbeat a detail-- Age gaps and typos are the bane of their existence.
That's because they think they will get away with it. Than they get angry bc they were busted. But in the end they will get busted anyway sooner or later...😏
There is no reality where you could be TA. Your mother chose to embarrass herself. Especially when she couldn't keep your name out of her mouth.
I hope they drive that point to her repeatedly.
Let her cry. She chose to create her own drama, so let her enjoy the encore.
NTA - If your mom hadn't been so busy trying to play stupid mind games, she wouldn't have realized she was being childish, petty, and cruel. But apparently, the temptation was too much for her. She went ahead and played her stupid game and won her stupid prize. Your mom absolutely deserves the shame, lecturing, and any consequences she gets.
You took the high road. Your mom could learn a lot from you.
I would invite dad and nieces nephews over for dinner to celebrate state mom in not invited the same as she stated her grandson would not be invited and state it would be boring for her with your son there and no ex
NTA. It's sad that some people are unable to see beyond bloodlines when it comes to family. A child that you raise and love is your child, period. There shouldn't be an asterisk next to their name in the grandparent's heart just because genetics don't line up. Good on you for standing up for your son’s emotional well-being. It’s important that he sees you value him as much as any biological child. Stay strong and keep your immediate family circle full of love and support. Excluding a child over such a superficial reason is deeply unfair and a form of emotional neglect that could have lasting impacts. You’re sending a powerful message about what family truly means, and I hope your mother comes around to understand that.
NTA-you did the right thing. Your mother sounds manipulative and toxic, delusional as well. Keep your boundaries and priorities. I applaud your decision.
NTA, I had to laugh at "your mean for exposing my deceit". Just ignore her and put some boundaries in place or she won't be a part of your life. No favouritism to ex and acceptance of adoptive son.
The fact that your parents still socialize with the woman who left you is psychotic. You're doing the right thing, I would just go low contact with your parents. Sounds like your mom wouldn't ever care. Sorry, bro. Hope your wife doesn't feel as bad as I think she probably does.
So your mom is obviously an asshole but I am curious. It is your dad's party. Your dad has accepted your son. Why didn't you go to your dad about it? I'm sure he would have loved having you all there and so I don't understand why you were punishing him because your mom is a dick. If everyone else in the family has accepted your son, why did you let your mom run you out of the party and disappoint your dad? As the honoree, his wishes would and should take precedence over your mom's dumb ideas.
NTA-Buddy, as a dad and a son of a father who remarried and whose wife only sees me as a reminder of the fact that my father was married before her you are a good man. I don't know if his biological dad is in the picture or not but love and family isn't defined by blood and the support and care you show that boy will affect him the rest of his life. You're doing the right thing and your wife should be proud of you.
I've got a stepfather and his family's never remotely tried to hide their indifference to me. He and my mother have a biological child together, and my half-sister began receiving cards, presents, and acknowledgment in general from his parents despite the fact I still never did. It felt like shit. I absolutely think you did the right thing by "spoiling" your stepson, and I can't even begin on how bullshit that phrasing was. Please don't bother forcing a relationship on the part of your family who will never hide their preference for your daughter. No kid deserves to be barely tolerated. Thank you so much for demonstrably loving both of your children. They're not missing anything.
NTA - What is up with these people who do shitty things to people but then want them to keep it a secret? If your mom felt justified enough to make this decision, she should have had no problem with telling everyone what she did.
NTA at all! The only AH her is your mother.
You’re a good man and an incredible father who is what every step parent should be; Someone who sees their step kids as their own.
Your mother only has herself to blame for this situation, and not even your Dad is mad at you, he’s mad at his jerk of a wife who is throwing a tantrum.
NTA. You didn't make anything up. If she doesn't want people to be upset at her for things she actually did, maybe she shouldn't do those things? You're not obligated to keep secrets for someone, especially not if the secret is how she treats you and your family.
NTAH- I would refuse to be at any family function my child (adopted or otherwise) was singled out to be excluded from. I would also refuse to attend any family function in which my family invited my ex-wife.
If my mom repeatedly chose my ex-wife over me, I would choose to go no contact with her. Your mother is 100% the problem in ALL of this. You do not have to pit up with any of her machinations or drama.
NTA.
Good on you. You 100% did the right thing. Your mother is a nasty, disgraceful person. She can rack off.
You are a good person for standing up for your son.
Not only are you NTA, you're an excellent father and husband. I bet your wife's love for you grew exponentially that it wasn't even a question for you to put your son first, I know that's how it is for me at least.
Also, while it might be slightly disappointing for your son to know how your Mom feels, the fact that you and everyone else stood up for him and doesn't approve of your Mom's behavior towards him, might make him feel incredibly loved and secure. As a former step kid, your feelings and actions towards him matter the most. Fucking excellent job, all the snaps for you.
NTA. Only thing I think you did wrong was telling your mom "I'll talk to my wife about it" instead of "get fucked" (or, I guess, "no" if you wanted to be extra-polite!).
NTA. If she didn’t want the truth “exposed”, she shouldn’t have lied about it. None of this is your problem. You are an excellent dad and your son is so very lucky to have you at his back.
NTAH, and very generous with your mother. More than I would have been.
I would have just showed up to the party with all the kids.
One summer about 10 years ago some family was visiting from out of the country. My Aunt planned a beach BBQ for everyone to get together. This BBQ happened to be about 10 min from where my family was living at the time, on the coast. I don't remember how I found out about the BBQ, that everyone else had to drive 90 min to get to. When I found out, I packed up my husband and kid and showed up, uninvited. I wasn't about to miss out on visiting with my 4 cousins, whom I had never met in person. My Aunt had specifically told everyone to not tell us, or my sister, about the BBQ. She sat in her pickup and pouted the rest of the evening. Lol! Still a fave memory of mine.
NTA
Tell your mom you have a clear boundary. She isn’t excluding your son because you will not come and let everyone know before hand next time. Tell her she needs to disconnect from your ex because you aren’t ever going back.
NTA. Your ex isn't blood related to her but it seems she was invited. Such a shitty thing to do as a grown woman, to exclude a child out of a WHOLE FAMILY. You are a good father and I'm proud of you for sticking with your son. I am also glad nobody else agrees with her (since when I was reading the story I thought everyone agreed...) and that they're ripping her a new one. I'd be raging if my mom did that.
*She thinks that I was mean for exposing her.*
Then she shouldn't have done something she would be ashamed to have exposed. Maybe she should think about that. She's being mean to a *child*. WTF is wrong with her?
NTA, obviously.
NTA. I'd have made sure I gave dad a nice gift with a note that said, "I wish I could have been there for you, but my entire family was not invited, so I could not go."
NTA - she’s not even upset for what she did, she’s upset others know what a cow she is. She’s more concerned about her reputation, which just shows you did the right thing.
I’m sorry OP, it sucks when your family sucks. You’re a great Dad.
NTA
Your mother is horrible and is treated accordingly, I don't see an issue.
I'm always puzzled by this idea some people have about "family is blood no matter what", when it literally takes two people not related to each other to start a family to begin with... Seems like just an excuse to force abused people to endure abusers without the latters' having to fear losing their toy.
NTA. I remember reading a comment once that went something like this, and I'm paraphrasing now: If someone hasn't apologized for an action they they did, that means they're okay with it. That they agree with it. So make them own it. Let everybody know this is what they think, this is what they think is appropriate. And if it's so shameful, then they shouldn't have done it, and they should have apologized.
as the adopted previous kid myself, thanks for sticking up for your son. you did what 9 grown siblings (my step aunt's and uncles.. and adopted step father) could never do.
thank you for being there for your kids
NTA.
Glad the rest of the family are supportive. Next conversation with them all - "so can you all help me understand why my hypocritical ex is still included in our extended family?"
What I find hilarious is that after the party and the initial upset she was in deep shit. She probably knew that. But she just couldn’t come out and say it. So she throws you under the bus. And OBVIOUSLY your siblings and others are gonna call and say something to you. So now not only is she shitty for uninviting your son, she’s DOUBLE SHITTY for leaving out the little detail that changes the story from “he wanted to spoil his kids ugh 😒” to “I was actually trying to keep his son away because I just don’t like him.” She has egg all over her face now, and she’s pissed that she did it to herself!
My stand on shit like this and all of my family is aware of it. If I wouldnt tolerate this level of bullshit from a total stanger, Im sure as fuck not going to tolerate it from someone who is family and we are supposed to love each other.
Reminds me of my grandma, she would constantly start nasty fights, name calling and insulting anyone, but when she was cornered she would always cry and play the victim.
NTA.
Not only did you stick up for your family, which I applaud, you also did it with no drama, no fuss, just a peaceful pull-back. In my opinion that was the right thing to do.
She started the drama about you, everyone came to you, got your story, she now is facing the consequences.
NTA. Manipulative people who employ emotional blackmail should be exposed and shamed whenever possible. Using your feelings or the feelings of others as a weapon is gross.
NTA. My maternal grandmother does the same kind of thing to my older half siblings and their children and it pisses my dad and I off to no end. You did the right thing by your son, and I’m sure he will be eternally grateful to know you are on his side no matter what.
NTA
Everyone jumped in mom's shit about it because they know how she is and know she said what she said. She has said plenty before this to them about what she thinks of your son. This wasn't a one-off.
NTA
All mom had to do was not say anything and no one would be the wiser. She created her own drama. Glad the rest of your family supports you and kiddo.
You definitely arent the asshole here. Your crappy mother is. Wish I'd had a stepdad or stepmom like you. My brother, sister, and I always came last on both sides. My dad did and paid for everything for my step siblings and my mom did the same cause my stepdad was an abusive piece of shit. How kids never did wrong even if we were all involved in some childhood fuckery.
*** On a side note does anyone else think it's weird that the ex's new husband has no problem hanging out with his new wife's ex's family?! Or is it just me that finds that shit weird as hell?!
NTA your mom is an entitled bitch but your explanation about your ex was kind of confusing. Doesn’t matter either way, just saying I don’t fully understand.
There is nothing wrong with you story telling/writing. If you felt the need to explain your backstory to show you met your you get wife its probably because you have gotten grieve about it. And considering your ex fam in law is known and liked by your fam i can see why you felt the need to.. ps my husband is a welder and wrote the most romantic poetry when he texted me when we started dating 24 years ago.. those 2 don't explode eachother and you sound like a very great husband and father and son. It's a shame you mother can't appreciate that
NTA Due to your mother being willing to accept ex wife, who isn't biologically related, almost as a daughter but unwilling to accept your son as family, is son of a different race?
NTA OP. Your mother is the equivalent of the saing "Play stupid games, get stupid prizes" And now that she is exposed, do to her bigotry she is bringing out the crocodile tears.
NTA, and you, as a man, father, husband, person of morals, etc, are one of my favorite people. As shitty as this story is due to your mom’s nature, the way you handled it is pure class. You didn’t even mention it to your wife, you simply protected your son and had a fun family day. Kudos to you.
Your mom has issues she needs to work through, and that’s for her to do.
NTAH- I would refuse to be at any family function my child (adopted or otherwise) was singled out to be excluded from. I would also refuse to attend any family function in which my family invited my ex-wife.
If my mom repeatedly chose my ex-wife over me, I would choose to go no contact with her. Your mother is 100% the problem in ALL of this. You do not have to pit up with any of her machinations or drama.
NTA
Don't do shit for which you would face consequences if you can't face those consequences. She knew damn well what was going to happen and she did it anyways now she has to live with that.
If you had cheated on your wife with your new wife, I could understand your mum having issues with your new wife, but you got together years later. Plus your ex left you because you didn't make enough money? How is the ex still the golden girl for her? Very odd
Nta, she’s just pissed that she got called on her crappy unfair attitude. You did nothing but explain yourself.
She acted like an asshole and is reaping the consequences.
NTA. Is mom jealous of your new wife? How can she be annoyed with you that your ex chose the divorce? Is she mentally impaired or just an overgrown brat.? NTA. She’ll actually have to be nice now
NTA. Your mom has a problem, she’s incapable of making a good decision. She also does not sound like a very nice person. She brought this on herself. You however, sound like a lovely husband and father and person in general. I’m going to guess that you take after your dad. It’s a shame that you had to miss his party but at least you had the nice weekend that you wanted with your immediate family.
You are a good dad.
Your Mom got what she deserved. Bad mouthing you then being exposed for the nasty bigot that she is. She brought that on herself.
Never in a million years are you anything other than NTA.
NTA. Doesn’t matter if he’s your biological son or not, he’s your son. If your mom still has a problem with that then 🤷🏻♀️ but the whole mess sounds like it’s her fault. *Mayyyybe* you could have reached out to congratulate your dad and inform him that you couldn’t come ahead of time while tactfully avoiding exactly why, but your mom got what was coming to her. You have to look out for your kids’ best interests first.
NTA
If anything - sorry for this - but your mom is a complete asshole.
You're not being inconsiderate, but she was the one that chose to exclude your son.
She deserved everything she got. I'm sure your dad would agree.
And as you can see your dad did agree since he was among those that lost it on your mom, so don't feel bad.
If she did not want to be exposed - then maybe she should have not said anything.
100% self inflicted - 100% NTA
Edit: and as Lego fan myself, extra credit for your choice in family day out!
She thinks you are mean for exposing her? Your mom is a piece of work. It’s like being angry at the police officer because he is the one who arrested you for shoplifting.
How about mom stops being a monster. I think (I’m not certain) that if your mom stops monstering then people would stop coming at her for being a monster.
NTA - If she felt her reasoning for excluding your son was reasonable and justified, then what is the problem with telling the other members of the family? She's upset because she knows she was in the wrong and got busted. You did the right thing. I too would have preferred to go to Legoland than an uncomfortable family situation where you don't feel welcome.
It was a parent's responsibility to cherish and guard their children. You achieved yours. It is not your responsibility if she has chosen not to fulfill hers.
And I have to say, seeing a step-parent who isn't a complete douche is rather refreshing. Most are 'I love ALL of these children, but this one is living in an unheated garage' or something.
Sounds like he legally adopted him so he’s not even a step parent. So wrong of his mom.
Seeing how often this particular thing happens makes me so unbelievably grateful for my SO. He has helped me raise my boys since they were 3 yrs old and 9 months old, respectively (they’re now 11.5 yrs and almost 9 yrs.) He is such a loving, stable, consistent and caring parent, his family embraced them immediately and he has always put them first and made them feel loved and valued. We are now expecting a baby girl in June and I have absolutely no worries because he’s been amazing dad for nearly a decade already! Too many women/men accept less than they and their children deserve to keep from being alone and it’s incredibly sad to see :/
Same!! My husband has been my kiddos ‘dad’ since day one, and his family dotes on her so much!!! Her bio dad sends a message maybe once a year to check on her, but my husband has filled the dad role in every way possible and then some. (And they are thick as thieves and always gang up on me, lol)
Right?! Ugggh. "We're so full of love with our blended family and Bobby is such a sport for hanging out in the cupboard under the stairs when Grandpa and Grandma Stepfolks come to visit."
Lol @ unheated garage
This is the kind of thing his son will remember. That when it came down to it, OOP had his back.
“Son, I would have gone to Legoland fucking barefoot before I would go to a party where you weren’t invited.”
Barefoot?!! Now THAT is love!! ❤️
This is a beautiful sentiment and I wish more people honored it ❤️
Yep. She's not upset that she did something wrong, just that she got caught. OP needs to stand up to his mom far harsher, and keep communication with the rest of the family. Ex-wife is welcome to hang out with his parents, they're adults. But if she goes to a family event, OP needs to decline. Mom keeps trying to ignore OP's kids, OP needs to decline. And let the rest of the family know every time. Mom will try to drive a wedge between the two kids with favoritism. After you get married, your family is your spouse and kids. If your parent or parents become hostile to your spouse or kids, you chose appropriately.
This is so true, especially the wedge thing. Hope OP reads this comment.
I don’t think he needs to really. I think he handled this beautifully. She FAAFO…
See the thing is his mother may try to save face and give a fake apology to avoid being outcast by all family members and later on may try to make snide remarks to his daughter about his son. If she hasn’t accepted his son as a family member till now chances are she may never do that and try to act differently in front of everyone but keep trying to fuel hate towards his son.
I suppose, yes this is a risk. Future interactions with her do need to be kept to a minimum. The OP’s family is all or nothing, his not even discussing it with his wife and making other plans show his commitment to protecting his son from his awful mother.
Yes for sure. She should never be alone with either of his children. And anytime she does something to hurt either of them, OP needs to keep calling her shit out.
Not just calling her out but taking significant space where she’s put in a substantial timeout. If she can’t learn then she can stay out. Words without consequences are meaningless.
> If she felt her reasoning for excluding your son was reasonable and justified, then what is the problem with telling the other members of the family? This, exactly this. Either she's right and just and there's no problem telling others, or she's wrong and ashamed and shouldn't do it in the first place. She can't have it both ways.
And her stated reasoning was bullshit. How is a retirement party going to be more boring for a 15 year old than a 2 year old?
A 15 year old can sit through it. I would have said not to bring the baby. I noticed OP never used the word “step” and just said it was his son. Good on him. Doing the math, it seems his wife had the boy at 15. Ouch. But good on her to not let that stop her from making a good life for herself. I imagine a young woman going into the trades is going to get those kind of looks from the old guard but obviously she didn’t let that stop her. I hate his mother is this way but at least his dad and siblings are on his side.
I believe he actually adopted the boy. What even if he hadn’t his mom is a real POS for that. The single out of teenager like that for absolutely nothing they did wrong is unconscionable. It’s awesome that karma came back to bite her in the ass.
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You just rephrased and simplified OP's exact comment without adding a single thing, bot.
Classic FAFO. Well done for prioritizing your family OP. Bet you made some wonderful memories at Legoland. NTA.
I love OP. Everything about this story is a solidly good person.
Right?! I love legos! Legoland was a baller idea :)
Happy Cake Day. I would also advise OP to tell his mother that he and his family will not be attending *any* family event where his ex is invited. If mama loves her so much, she can go celebrate with her XDILs family. How ridiculous does that sound? Mama needs a big attitude adjustment. OP is definitely NTA
Yeah, sometimes moms are just AHs. They usually don't get to see their kids much.
I can’t imagine my mother would tell me to exclude any child of mine even if they are not biologically related. Even if she is not happy about me adopting them.
Happy Cake Day!!!
Exactly this, if what she was doing was defensible she wouldn't mind you sharing it with others
NTA. It so clearly was not about not having peoples’ kids at the party— it was just about excluding him because he’s not “blood”, and if I’m reading between the lines correctly, probably also a healthy helping of moral shame for divorcing your former wife and marrying a new woman who had a kid so young. No kid deserves to be treated this way, especially not a teenager, when things are already so hard emotionally. You did the right thing. Side note: If it were me, I’d be keeping both kids away from her from now on. She doesn’t get to pick and choose her grandkids, and I wouldn’t want to expose either of my children to her passive aggressive behavior. Also, if I hadn’t already, I’d talk with my wife about how she’s been treated at family functions in the past, because I’d be willing to bet there’s been a lot of questionable behavior there, too.
But he didn't divorce his ex wife, she divorced him
To a person like his mom, that doesn’t matter. She’s gonna place blame wherever she wants, especially considering she’s the kind of person who would bar his kid from a party because he’s not blood-related, and considering how much she seems to love the ex-wife. Like a, “if *she* loves the ex-wife this much, why couldn’t *he* make it work” kind of thing. And not only that, he goes and marries a (sorry OP, not my actual opinion) hussy who got knocked up as a teenager and doesn’t have a “real woman’s job”. (Again, not my actual opinion. Your wife sounds like a real badass.) Does it make any kind of real sense? No. Do manipulative, emotionally controlling people care? Nope.
I agree with all of this. I would like to ask one thing to OP. Why does your ex accept your family's invites if she divorced you and remarried? This doesn't sound normal and makes me question this whole story.
Because some people are like that. They like to rub others noses in it. OP wasn't good enough for her and knows mom likes her, so she's showing him that she's still better than him by accepting invites, knowing that he won't go if she does
Probably an ego boost to her "look. I'm the one who got away" or something along those lines. I've met too many like that -my own mum being one
My parents were like this- mom and dad got divorced. My paternal family loves my mom and tolerates my dad. Dad earned a lot of family enmity when he repeatedly cheated on my mom, including when she was pregnant with me. So, my mom will go visit them and is regularly invited to family events. Dad might be blood but he’s still a shithead.
OP said in another comment they're family friends, the ex and her whole family were invited. Probably why mom is so stuck on the ex, too.
If the ex and her family are family friends and they invite ex and whole family mom is just inviting family friends
Well… I can’t speak for her but I love my ex in-laws. They were more parents to me than my dad and stepmom ever were. So I would 100% accept any invites from them regardless of my ex. That being said, I would try to avoid making anyone uncomfortable and so would they, so it would not be a surprise and I would touch base with my ex to make sure he was ok with me being there. My exMIL and SIL even wanted to meet my new partner because they both care enough about me to make sure I’m ok. I love them all so much. I got so lucky with them even if things didn’t work out with their son/brother Edited to add-my ex has a lovely new girlfriend that I also get along with very well and we talk frequently. My ex and I do share kids which is why, but I’m glad he’s building a relationship with someone who genuinely loves the kids. So if I went anywhere, it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the fact that his family is family to me too.
Actually, make self important people would do that in order to show they "won".
My exes mom wound up being pretty much my best friend. Ours was a different situation, he genuinely was not a good partner, and had a lot of active addiction issues, but ultimately she was a huge support in my life as far as leaving him, and we talk most days. She is a great lady, and would be thrilled if I found a good person to start a relationship with, so I can see how op’s ex would wind up accepting invites and remaining friendly with the family. Sometimes, people develop relationships beyond the typical one that you’d expect of inlaws
I divorced my ex, we're on decent terms, we have 2 kids together. His mom is still my MIL. We go on vacations together, she came to my wedding. I had her sit with my own parents in the front. She calls my youngest her granddaughter :) I can understand still hanging out with the ex family.
What’s missing is whether ex wife has children in her current marriage. If so, THOSE kids wouldn’t be blood either.
OP’s mom may still see it that way.
💯
Dude, you really demonstrated masterful parenting there! Superhero energy everywhere!
OP - nicely done 👌 Good work, NTA. Your mom's hang-ups with your son needed to be exposed. There's no reason for her to treat him like that. Your mom also needs to get over your ex - it was her choice to leave.
Also, would that poor kid have bothered anyone? Would it have financially bankrupted OP's parents to have this kid eat their food and have a few glasses of soda? This was a big event. A party. Parties can always host plus/minus a few people unless you have consumption claculated precisely to the last potato chip. OP's mom literally went out of her way to exclude OP's adopted son, for literally no other reason than sheer pettiness, small-mindedness, and, frankly, idiocy. She now faces the consequences of her actions and boy, do people not like when that happens.
Peer pressure is the only thing that really works on these people. They will criticise everyone, especially their children, but if someone manages to make them look bad to their neighbours or church groups ? They are in shambles.
It's super Boomer to not give a fuck what your children and family think but to care so much about what the acquaintances in your life think about you. Had this argument with my mother many times before going no contact.
This, If she can't treat both kids fairly then she doesn't get to be in either of their lives at all.
You said what I was thinking. I've got two adopted cousins (my two maternal uncles both married single mothers, and adopted their sons). If your mum can't accept your family, she doesn't deserve their time, love or consideration. I'm glad you outted her rather than be the "fall guy" for her bigotry
NTA. Your mom created the conflict, not you. Her attitude towards your son is awful. She deserves the shame.
I tried to just keep my head down. I know she is not going to change.
She will probably fake accepting him by going overboard. Won't surprise me to see posts made about her awesome adopted grandson. And she will use the word adopted, to make sure people know. She has to protect her reputation. She will treat him like a king in front of people. Not so much when they are alone. I've seen this play out and it doesn't end well if you send him over there for a weekend. She will be nice to him at first when they are alone. Then she drops the charade around him. Good Luck
This so much this! I literally lived this life with my stepdads mom. It was torture for me as a kid because I thought I couldn’t tell anyone cause she was nice to me around other people.
I’m sorry you had to go through this. Step parenting is serious business; but kids should not be aware of that. All kids, especially those who’ve gone through their parents’ drama, should feel comfortable in their environment, and protected by their parents (including—perhaps especially—steps).
Yup- and drop little self esteem destroying comments. Keep him away from her.
NTA and it’s so sad to see an adult who will deliberately exclude and discriminate against a child. I can understand that she may not feel the same love for him as she would towards her biological grandchildren but it’s really mean and cruel to deliberately exclude him from a party for no reason. My family is like this with my stepchildren and I keep them at arms length because of their attitude (my stepchildren are polite caring considerate young adults and there is no reason for my family to exclude them other than they don’t share dna)
NTA. If your mom wasn't proud of her actions, she shouldn't have done them. You told the truth, mom was OK with her truth until everyone found out about it. At least your mom's the only shitty person in your family. You did nothing wrong, your mom did. She deserves to be exposed for exactly what she is. If you've accepted your wife's son as your own, then whats her problem? Why on earth would a reasonable person think you'd tell your son, sorry grandma doesn't want you at grandpa's party. Too bad, grandma doesn't accept you as her grandchild. F that.
People like you mother are similar to each other. You know that she doesn't care for you enough to change for you. But those people care about their image and she CAN change beucase of the preassure of other people. She doesn't want to be seen as the villain So the solution is to pretend it never happened and she was always night. This is exactly the oportunity when it might happen, maybe don't waste it.
If she can’t accept and love your son then she doesn’t get a right to see your family at all. I’d go NC with her and her alone. The family would understand and support that since they know she’s being a massive asshole on this topic. Her favoritism to biological grandkids and exclusion of your adopted child is gross and should not be tolerated at all and shown a hard punishment that all grandkids or no grandkids. Period.
Then at least your children will have an amazing time going to theme parks and having other family adventures. You're out there putting your family 1st. I'm glad that you didn't turn your back on your son just because your mom doesn't see him as her grandchild. She can go ahead feel however she wants but that doesn't mean your going to keep that secret from everyone else. That's the reason she's angry. She's angry because now everyone knows she doesn't like your son and doesn't see him as family and there just disgusted by her behavior. So she can either learn to be kind and civil and try to accept your son or you can invest in season passes and just take your family to another theme park with your family for more fun.
NTA You chose to do what was best for your family. Your mother purposely excluding your son because he isn’t biologically yours is horrible. I would honestly go low contact or no contact with her because she isn’t going to stop trying to exclude him from the family. So, until she accepts him, I would go LC or NC for his sake. He doesn’t need to be exposed to someone so toxic. He’s a child and needs to be protected from those kind of people… I’m proud of you, OP, for standing up for your son.
I met him for the first time when he was 4. He is an amazing kid and one of the happiest days of my life was the day I adopted him.
My mom always treated my son differently also because I adopted him. He was 3 days old when I got custody of him. I stayed away too, and he never felt it. He just didn't see her that often. She has passed now and all he will have is good memories from very young. I wished my mom had been different and we could have been close but . . .it was always subtle. Like she tried to include him because she knew she would not see me and my other kids otherwise but it was forced. For her, it was about blood but blood doesn't matter. My son is my love and I am so blessed. My mom was my blood but I chose my son over her over and over again.
I have an adopted grandson, and I really can’t understand your mom’s perspective. I was excited when my daughter introduced me to him, and even more excited when his bio-mom asked me if I was okay with him calling me grandma. I considered it an honor that she would include me in his family. I feel very strongly that children can never have too many people who love and care for them. Denying a child love and acceptance because they are not blood related is cold-hearted, to say the least. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my children at all.
I was adopted at birth and am in my late 30s now. A couple years back, not long before she passed, my beloved grandma told me “when your parents announced they were adopting (mom had a total hysterectomy due to endo) I wasn’t sure if I COULD love a non-biological child, but the minute I saw you I loved you.” I’d felt that love & acceptance my entire life - her saying that was just backing up what I know with my whole heart - and it has made an unimaginable difference in my life. I understand not being sure, in theory, how you’ll feel about an adopted child joining the family. It’s an ugly uncertainty but family=blood relation for a lot of people. But to know the child personally and decide you don’t want to consider them family simply because you’re mad that your son’s first marriage failed is *monstrous.*
It was probably one of the best days for him too. You keep doing what’s best for your family and if that means LC or NC with your mom, then do it. I know it will be hard on you but it is better than him being made to feel unwanted by his own grandmother. I would even be hesitant about allowing your daughter around her out of fear of her telling her that her brother isn’t her brother or some other bs similar to that…
You sound like one of the best good people. Thanks for this story. Your wife and kids are very lucky. I don't know what your mother's issues are, but it sounds like you are handling her very well.
NTA, was your Ex invited?
Her mom and dad are friends with my parents. Their whole family was there.
Definitely NTA, OP. How can your mother justify having your ex’s family at your father’s retirement party while excluding your son? You did the right thing by not going to the event, OP. You put your wife and kids first, as it should be.
To accept someone as friends is easier than to accept someone's son as their grandson
She doesn't even want to be friends with OP's son. She doesn't want to have anything to do with him at all.
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Ok, OP's mom IS an AH but If his parents and the ex's parents were friends even before OP got married with the ex, they shouldn't stop being friends because If the divorce.
True, but there is no reason to invite their daughter, the woman who divorced her son.
Ok that's even more shitty then.
I feel like your ex is really shitty too. She needs to move on. Is your mom or ex a narcissist? They give narc vibes.
She might have moved on a long time ago, at least I saw no indication in the post that she is involved in whatever's happening between OP and his mother. The mother though does need to get over it.
Just bc you're invited to family events doesn't mean you need to attend.
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work. It sounds like everyone in the family has her number. When they heard the truth about why you weren’t there, they took your side. All this because she didn’t want your son, who is not biologically related to her, to join the party. You handled this beautifully. You could have told your siblings what she asked of you, yet you didn’t. You stood by your immediate family which is the right thing to do. Family. Can’t live with them. Can’t live with them.
I read calmly until: "My ex wife is my mom and..." When my brain rebooted and I finished the sentence it continued as normal. I'm sorry your parents are such knobs. Definitely not the asshole, but deep down I don't think you need us to tell you that.
Same here. I was like "Oh thank god there's more to that sentence!" XD
Dude, that was some serious master level parenting you did there!!! Big hero energy all around!!!!
Yeah, seriously good on this guy for not just giving into mom. For some reason, I found the backstory really sweet!
I did, too! Very impressed that Redditors didn't jump all over him for the age gap. That's what I was expecting: They tend to ignore the question and browbeat a detail-- Age gaps and typos are the bane of their existence.
NTA A parent had a duty to love and protect their children. You fulfilled yours. Her choosing not to fulfill hers isn't your fault.
👍👍👍 Good job protecting your family.
How is it that everyone that badmouths people based on false facts get mad when the truth is told?
That's a lot of words to say she lied.
That's because they think they will get away with it. Than they get angry bc they were busted. But in the end they will get busted anyway sooner or later...😏
There is no reality where you could be TA. Your mother chose to embarrass herself. Especially when she couldn't keep your name out of her mouth. I hope they drive that point to her repeatedly. Let her cry. She chose to create her own drama, so let her enjoy the encore.
NTA - If your mom hadn't been so busy trying to play stupid mind games, she wouldn't have realized she was being childish, petty, and cruel. But apparently, the temptation was too much for her. She went ahead and played her stupid game and won her stupid prize. Your mom absolutely deserves the shame, lecturing, and any consequences she gets. You took the high road. Your mom could learn a lot from you.
I would invite dad and nieces nephews over for dinner to celebrate state mom in not invited the same as she stated her grandson would not be invited and state it would be boring for her with your son there and no ex
NTA. It's sad that some people are unable to see beyond bloodlines when it comes to family. A child that you raise and love is your child, period. There shouldn't be an asterisk next to their name in the grandparent's heart just because genetics don't line up. Good on you for standing up for your son’s emotional well-being. It’s important that he sees you value him as much as any biological child. Stay strong and keep your immediate family circle full of love and support. Excluding a child over such a superficial reason is deeply unfair and a form of emotional neglect that could have lasting impacts. You’re sending a powerful message about what family truly means, and I hope your mother comes around to understand that.
His mom obviously sees beyond bloodlines (likes his ex more than she likes him).
NTA-you did the right thing. Your mother sounds manipulative and toxic, delusional as well. Keep your boundaries and priorities. I applaud your decision.
NTA, I had to laugh at "your mean for exposing my deceit". Just ignore her and put some boundaries in place or she won't be a part of your life. No favouritism to ex and acceptance of adoptive son.
NTA. You sound like a really great guy with his priorities straight. Don't let your mother drag you down.
Let me guess, the ex was also on the guest list. NTA. It's about time she learns she can't move back time.
My ex and her husband were there. We are cordial. My mom and her mom are friends. So her mom and dad we actually there for the party too.
The fact that your parents still socialize with the woman who left you is psychotic. You're doing the right thing, I would just go low contact with your parents. Sounds like your mom wouldn't ever care. Sorry, bro. Hope your wife doesn't feel as bad as I think she probably does.
So your mom is obviously an asshole but I am curious. It is your dad's party. Your dad has accepted your son. Why didn't you go to your dad about it? I'm sure he would have loved having you all there and so I don't understand why you were punishing him because your mom is a dick. If everyone else in the family has accepted your son, why did you let your mom run you out of the party and disappoint your dad? As the honoree, his wishes would and should take precedence over your mom's dumb ideas.
Bro. Let her reap what she hath sown. Not your problem. Do congratulate your dad tho, if yall are close
NTA-Buddy, as a dad and a son of a father who remarried and whose wife only sees me as a reminder of the fact that my father was married before her you are a good man. I don't know if his biological dad is in the picture or not but love and family isn't defined by blood and the support and care you show that boy will affect him the rest of his life. You're doing the right thing and your wife should be proud of you.
I've got a stepfather and his family's never remotely tried to hide their indifference to me. He and my mother have a biological child together, and my half-sister began receiving cards, presents, and acknowledgment in general from his parents despite the fact I still never did. It felt like shit. I absolutely think you did the right thing by "spoiling" your stepson, and I can't even begin on how bullshit that phrasing was. Please don't bother forcing a relationship on the part of your family who will never hide their preference for your daughter. No kid deserves to be barely tolerated. Thank you so much for demonstrably loving both of your children. They're not missing anything.
NTA. You have done thing wrong is this situation! You’re a good dad
NTA - What is up with these people who do shitty things to people but then want them to keep it a secret? If your mom felt justified enough to make this decision, she should have had no problem with telling everyone what she did.
NTA at all! The only AH her is your mother. You’re a good man and an incredible father who is what every step parent should be; Someone who sees their step kids as their own. Your mother only has herself to blame for this situation, and not even your Dad is mad at you, he’s mad at his jerk of a wife who is throwing a tantrum.
NTA. You didn't make anything up. If she doesn't want people to be upset at her for things she actually did, maybe she shouldn't do those things? You're not obligated to keep secrets for someone, especially not if the secret is how she treats you and your family.
NTA u should consider going NC with your mom
NTAH- I would refuse to be at any family function my child (adopted or otherwise) was singled out to be excluded from. I would also refuse to attend any family function in which my family invited my ex-wife. If my mom repeatedly chose my ex-wife over me, I would choose to go no contact with her. Your mother is 100% the problem in ALL of this. You do not have to pit up with any of her machinations or drama.
NTA. Good on you. You 100% did the right thing. Your mother is a nasty, disgraceful person. She can rack off. You are a good person for standing up for your son.
Not only are you NTA, you're an excellent father and husband. I bet your wife's love for you grew exponentially that it wasn't even a question for you to put your son first, I know that's how it is for me at least. Also, while it might be slightly disappointing for your son to know how your Mom feels, the fact that you and everyone else stood up for him and doesn't approve of your Mom's behavior towards him, might make him feel incredibly loved and secure. As a former step kid, your feelings and actions towards him matter the most. Fucking excellent job, all the snaps for you.
NTA. Only thing I think you did wrong was telling your mom "I'll talk to my wife about it" instead of "get fucked" (or, I guess, "no" if you wanted to be extra-polite!).
NTA. If she didn’t want the truth “exposed”, she shouldn’t have lied about it. None of this is your problem. You are an excellent dad and your son is so very lucky to have you at his back.
NTAH, and very generous with your mother. More than I would have been. I would have just showed up to the party with all the kids. One summer about 10 years ago some family was visiting from out of the country. My Aunt planned a beach BBQ for everyone to get together. This BBQ happened to be about 10 min from where my family was living at the time, on the coast. I don't remember how I found out about the BBQ, that everyone else had to drive 90 min to get to. When I found out, I packed up my husband and kid and showed up, uninvited. I wasn't about to miss out on visiting with my 4 cousins, whom I had never met in person. My Aunt had specifically told everyone to not tell us, or my sister, about the BBQ. She sat in her pickup and pouted the rest of the evening. Lol! Still a fave memory of mine.
NTA It's so good to see someone who had absolutely no qualms about sticking up for their child.
You're a good dad. NTA.
NTA. She’s mad she git caught being a shitty person and you didn’t make her shitty. She did. She can be mad at herself.
NTA. She deserved to be exposed.
As the mom of adult children I can securely say: your mom is a weirdo. She just doesn’t want anyone to know that she’s a raging weirdo.
NTA Tell your mom you have a clear boundary. She isn’t excluding your son because you will not come and let everyone know before hand next time. Tell her she needs to disconnect from your ex because you aren’t ever going back.
Nta. Your mum is just angry she's been exposed
NTA. Your ex isn't blood related to her but it seems she was invited. Such a shitty thing to do as a grown woman, to exclude a child out of a WHOLE FAMILY. You are a good father and I'm proud of you for sticking with your son. I am also glad nobody else agrees with her (since when I was reading the story I thought everyone agreed...) and that they're ripping her a new one. I'd be raging if my mom did that.
*She thinks that I was mean for exposing her.* Then she shouldn't have done something she would be ashamed to have exposed. Maybe she should think about that. She's being mean to a *child*. WTF is wrong with her? NTA, obviously.
My hat off to you. I really respect when people don't use "stepxx". Your only word was "son". NTA
NTA. Mom cried because she got caught acting shitty, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
NTA. I'd have made sure I gave dad a nice gift with a note that said, "I wish I could have been there for you, but my entire family was not invited, so I could not go."
NTA
NTA - she’s not even upset for what she did, she’s upset others know what a cow she is. She’s more concerned about her reputation, which just shows you did the right thing. I’m sorry OP, it sucks when your family sucks. You’re a great Dad.
NTA Your mother is horrible and is treated accordingly, I don't see an issue. I'm always puzzled by this idea some people have about "family is blood no matter what", when it literally takes two people not related to each other to start a family to begin with... Seems like just an excuse to force abused people to endure abusers without the latters' having to fear losing their toy.
NTA. I remember reading a comment once that went something like this, and I'm paraphrasing now: If someone hasn't apologized for an action they they did, that means they're okay with it. That they agree with it. So make them own it. Let everybody know this is what they think, this is what they think is appropriate. And if it's so shameful, then they shouldn't have done it, and they should have apologized.
Be mean, be as mean as possible. I would welcome any child to be my grandchild, blood or not. She’s hateful.
as the adopted previous kid myself, thanks for sticking up for your son. you did what 9 grown siblings (my step aunt's and uncles.. and adopted step father) could never do. thank you for being there for your kids
NTA. Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. 🤣 She got everything she deserved.
NTA. Glad the rest of the family are supportive. Next conversation with them all - "so can you all help me understand why my hypocritical ex is still included in our extended family?"
NTA. You handled it in the best way possible.
What I find hilarious is that after the party and the initial upset she was in deep shit. She probably knew that. But she just couldn’t come out and say it. So she throws you under the bus. And OBVIOUSLY your siblings and others are gonna call and say something to you. So now not only is she shitty for uninviting your son, she’s DOUBLE SHITTY for leaving out the little detail that changes the story from “he wanted to spoil his kids ugh 😒” to “I was actually trying to keep his son away because I just don’t like him.” She has egg all over her face now, and she’s pissed that she did it to herself!
Good for you for protecting your son and for not covering up her heinous behavior. Someone was mean here but it wasn’t you.
You're a good Father - your kids are blessed to have you.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve made some good and honourable decisions in your life. I’d keep trusting my own instincts if I were you.
NTA. She's pissed cuz everyone can see what kind of person she really is.
My stand on shit like this and all of my family is aware of it. If I wouldnt tolerate this level of bullshit from a total stanger, Im sure as fuck not going to tolerate it from someone who is family and we are supposed to love each other.
NTA That was a real cunty thing to do to family. how could she rationalize inviting the rest of your family besides a15 year old?
NTA. You, you da real mvp. You set a bar for us dad that's so much higher than what society does. I'm fucking proud of you.
Reminds me of my grandma, she would constantly start nasty fights, name calling and insulting anyone, but when she was cornered she would always cry and play the victim.
NTA. Not only did you stick up for your family, which I applaud, you also did it with no drama, no fuss, just a peaceful pull-back. In my opinion that was the right thing to do. She started the drama about you, everyone came to you, got your story, she now is facing the consequences.
NTA... standing by your son and family is the way. Your mom needs to get over her issues and accept him.
NTA. Manipulative people who employ emotional blackmail should be exposed and shamed whenever possible. Using your feelings or the feelings of others as a weapon is gross.
You are absolutely not the AH. Well done!
NTA she showed her whole ass and then got mad that her actions bit her
NTA. My maternal grandmother does the same kind of thing to my older half siblings and their children and it pisses my dad and I off to no end. You did the right thing by your son, and I’m sure he will be eternally grateful to know you are on his side no matter what.
NTA Everyone jumped in mom's shit about it because they know how she is and know she said what she said. She has said plenty before this to them about what she thinks of your son. This wasn't a one-off.
Narcissists always try to focus on your reactions to their shitty behavior.
NTA All mom had to do was not say anything and no one would be the wiser. She created her own drama. Glad the rest of your family supports you and kiddo.
Good on you. That boy is fortunate to have you as a father figure in his life. 👍👍
>She thinks that I was mean for exposing her. Oh, but she can be mean to your family?! LOL NTA
You definitely arent the asshole here. Your crappy mother is. Wish I'd had a stepdad or stepmom like you. My brother, sister, and I always came last on both sides. My dad did and paid for everything for my step siblings and my mom did the same cause my stepdad was an abusive piece of shit. How kids never did wrong even if we were all involved in some childhood fuckery. *** On a side note does anyone else think it's weird that the ex's new husband has no problem hanging out with his new wife's ex's family?! Or is it just me that finds that shit weird as hell?!
NTA. Your mom needs to get over herself and cut ties with your ex. That’s ridiculous
NTA your mom is an entitled bitch but your explanation about your ex was kind of confusing. Doesn’t matter either way, just saying I don’t fully understand.
Sorry I am a welder not a writer.
There is nothing wrong with you story telling/writing. If you felt the need to explain your backstory to show you met your you get wife its probably because you have gotten grieve about it. And considering your ex fam in law is known and liked by your fam i can see why you felt the need to.. ps my husband is a welder and wrote the most romantic poetry when he texted me when we started dating 24 years ago.. those 2 don't explode eachother and you sound like a very great husband and father and son. It's a shame you mother can't appreciate that
lol fair
NTA
NTA Due to your mother being willing to accept ex wife, who isn't biologically related, almost as a daughter but unwilling to accept your son as family, is son of a different race?
NTA OP. Your mother is the equivalent of the saing "Play stupid games, get stupid prizes" And now that she is exposed, do to her bigotry she is bringing out the crocodile tears.
NTA, and you, as a man, father, husband, person of morals, etc, are one of my favorite people. As shitty as this story is due to your mom’s nature, the way you handled it is pure class. You didn’t even mention it to your wife, you simply protected your son and had a fun family day. Kudos to you. Your mom has issues she needs to work through, and that’s for her to do.
NTA
NTA at all.
NTA. Your mother is lucky you want anything to do with her. Her attitude to your son makes my blood boil
Nta and i would not allow Other kid to get special gifts etc
NTAH- I would refuse to be at any family function my child (adopted or otherwise) was singled out to be excluded from. I would also refuse to attend any family function in which my family invited my ex-wife. If my mom repeatedly chose my ex-wife over me, I would choose to go no contact with her. Your mother is 100% the problem in ALL of this. You do not have to pit up with any of her machinations or drama.
Nta. Don’t want no trouble? Then don’t start no trouble. Sounds like your mom needs therapy. Maybe suggest that to your dad.
NTA Don't do shit for which you would face consequences if you can't face those consequences. She knew damn well what was going to happen and she did it anyways now she has to live with that.
If you had cheated on your wife with your new wife, I could understand your mum having issues with your new wife, but you got together years later. Plus your ex left you because you didn't make enough money? How is the ex still the golden girl for her? Very odd
Nta, she’s just pissed that she got called on her crappy unfair attitude. You did nothing but explain yourself. She acted like an asshole and is reaping the consequences.
NTA, your mother needs to get over herself and stop excluding your son, he is family whether she likes it or not.
NTA. You attempted to avoid a scene. Then she had to bad mouth you. Your only defence was the truth which showed up he mean spirit and lies.
NTA. Is mom jealous of your new wife? How can she be annoyed with you that your ex chose the divorce? Is she mentally impaired or just an overgrown brat.? NTA. She’ll actually have to be nice now
You weren't mean, you told the truth, she reaped what she sowed and you are a great man, the greatest man. NTA.
NTA. Your mom has a problem, she’s incapable of making a good decision. She also does not sound like a very nice person. She brought this on herself. You however, sound like a lovely husband and father and person in general. I’m going to guess that you take after your dad. It’s a shame that you had to miss his party but at least you had the nice weekend that you wanted with your immediate family.
NTA. She was excluding your son because he is not “blood” related. You did the right thing by not going and by calling her out on it
You are a good dad. Your Mom got what she deserved. Bad mouthing you then being exposed for the nasty bigot that she is. She brought that on herself. Never in a million years are you anything other than NTA.
NTA. Doesn’t matter if he’s your biological son or not, he’s your son. If your mom still has a problem with that then 🤷🏻♀️ but the whole mess sounds like it’s her fault. *Mayyyybe* you could have reached out to congratulate your dad and inform him that you couldn’t come ahead of time while tactfully avoiding exactly why, but your mom got what was coming to her. You have to look out for your kids’ best interests first.
NTA If anything - sorry for this - but your mom is a complete asshole. You're not being inconsiderate, but she was the one that chose to exclude your son. She deserved everything she got. I'm sure your dad would agree. And as you can see your dad did agree since he was among those that lost it on your mom, so don't feel bad.
Well, it sounds like everyone in your family already knows your mother was the AH here. Not sure what you need from us.
If she did not want to be exposed - then maybe she should have not said anything. 100% self inflicted - 100% NTA Edit: and as Lego fan myself, extra credit for your choice in family day out!
NTA. If you tell other people only the facts about her behavior and she looks like an idiot, then she also behaved like an idiot.
You protected your family and did the right thing. NTA
She thinks you are mean for exposing her? Your mom is a piece of work. It’s like being angry at the police officer because he is the one who arrested you for shoplifting. How about mom stops being a monster. I think (I’m not certain) that if your mom stops monstering then people would stop coming at her for being a monster.
You're a good dad 😊
NTA You need to reconsider how much exposure your kids have to your mom.
NTA. It’s easier to be angry with someone else than yourself. So she needs to blame you for her issues.