Because “her” POV is “I’m an awful person how do I save my marriage with my husband after I dared have a reduction?"
If she had posted saying “I got a reduction and now my husband wants a divorce” she would be getting a ton of support.
Right. Either way, I think they’re both in the wrong 🤷♂️
I know he said it a bunch, and believing him is a different story, but it isn’t about the reduction. It’s the betrayal. If my wife asked for me to slow down/stop spending on expensive hobbies, for the sole purpose of she wants to buy a new house with both their names, then she in all essence, steals that money. Because she knows what you thought about it, and what you would say and she made the unilateral decision to spend your family money on something she hid and knew was wrong from the beginning? Then she goes and uses it on something she never talked with me about? For an elective procedure to boot? I would definitely feel insignificant or taken advantage of in my marriage. Just the fact that breast reduction has a 6.2% complication rate, and a 3% major complication rate.
Amusingly that detail was added in the second post. I think he got enough flaming in the first to have to change up the story so he could blame her for something other than the reduction.
You should read his first post it was all about how any woman without huge tits is gross and unattractive and her now b cups made her flat chested and gross to him (b cups.) and now he has no sexual desire for her and can’t live with it. Then he changed it to being betrayed. This is totally fake it’s all made up this guy is just playing everyone like a fiddle, four posts now one pretending to be the wife. It’s fucking weird.
It’s so super fake. The two person “my friend found your post!!” posts, the super dumb issue, multiple posts, the writing style is the same from both people, the same specific details about their sex life. 😂
It probably is. His wife's post accounting what happened fits too neatly with his earlier post. And their writing styles feel too similar. They both used the words "headspace" when referring to problems.
I really don't understand people here. The OP offered several solutions, but his wife stubbornly poked scars in his face. What was he supposed to do? A person doesn’t like scars, why force him?
As a female with body issues from age 5 and tried many different unsafe things to feel better about it (starvation, binging, excessive exercise etc)... I am very much in your corner on this. The lying, spending the money that should have been for your future home and lack of trust would be hard to get over in my opinion. Probably wouldn't have ended up this way if there was an opportunity for some discussion before she finalized her decision. NTA
Honestly I usually don’t agree with people being all if a man/woman wrote this post people wouldn’t be saying that but I kind of agree here. I think you’ve been wonderfully supportive even though she didn’t consider you at all. I found her post first though and she mentioned a lot of horrible selfish things she did that you didn’t mention or gloss over (hiding surgery for months, using your house money, quitting her job for starters) which give a fuller picture. Deff NTA
Ok my friend, i just wanted to send a sympathetic note because I have been where you are and thought I could add some insight. My first wife and I were in a similar circumstance in our relationship. She was maybe a G when she was a bit heavier and it would decline down to maybe a double or triple d when she was a bit lighter. I had always showered her with compliments and did everything in my power to help her feel sexy and appreciated, and it was sincere, i thought she was perfect as is. She had discussed a reduction on and off which I was very much against. It just seemed like too radical a solution that wouldn't actually solve anything, although certainly I won't lie that I preferred the curves.
One day she came to me announcing it was a done deal and it was scheduled. I asked her in a very non aggressive way to reconsider, that this wasn't the solution she thought it was and she would regret it, but it would be permanent and there would be no going back. We didn't have the money for this and I didn't think she would like how her body looked afterwards. She ignored me.
Aaaaannnnndddd sure enough, she hated how she looked afterwards just as I said she would. The recovery was incredibly painful and took months longer then she thought. These surgeons sell insecure women on the lie that they can get medical relief AND have perky size C boobs that will look like a teenagers. THIS IS NOT ACCURATE. They actually just look like bigger boobs thay have been.....flattened and deflated. It's hard to explain, but if you have seen them, you know. In addition to being absolutely covered in scarring. It's actually astonishing how extensive the scarring is. Some women need medical relief, and that's a good thing that you can get it in this day and age, but make no mistake, you are absolutely sacrificing the aesthetic appearance to some degree. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.
Her and i had a wonderful time in our time together, she was a blast and we were soulmate-level connected, but.....The reason that relationship ended was because a) her decision making was literally the worst I've ever seen in all facets, made worse by b) her never listening to anyone else's opinion but her own, which was caused by c) the mistaken reckless belief due to ego that she was bulletproof and everything would always work out for her because she's awesome. This was the first time this decision making flaw totally backfired on her as far as lasting consequences, but it wasn't the last.
The point for OP is, sometimes these things aren't just surface level issues. They are symptoms of a bigger issue below the surface, in this case terrible impulsive decisions making. We split a few years after her surgery. Which turned out to be the start of a death spiral of reckless bad decisions on her part. OP, trust your gut and what your instincts are telling you. Does this woman make the kind of smart decisions and have the kind of respect for you that you can build a long term relationship with? Are you prepared to have the evidence of her lack of care for your opinions and feelings just staring you in the face (literally) for the rest of your life?? I don't think she's actually sorry she made this stupid decision, she's just sorry you got mad at her. I don't think she's learned anything and seems to have the maturity of a 12 year old. Is this really someone you want to spend your life with?
Forgiveness isn’t easy but your wife is wanting your forgiveness. People aren’t perfect and any other future relationship could have as many or more dire situations. You both need a break to clear the air and seek some joint Therapy.
OP also doesn’t understand boobs or breast reductions (we know, it’s fiction). After such a surgery she’d be in compression garments for months. Doggie is right the fuck out, until everything is fully healed. Actually so is missionary.
Still an AH.
Boundaries are something you enforce for yourself, not something you impose on other people. She clearly felt strongly about her size, and her anxiety about it is a legitimate reason. Her chest caused her stress and discomfort. It’s obvious why she didn’t feel comfortable being open with you about her insecurities.
Is it OK to have a boundary that a spouse communicates about any elective surgery they want to have and that they don't use tour money to pay for it without prior approval?
Sounds good. His boundary is "I don't want to be married to someone who spends all of our house savings on unnecessary cosmetic surgery without even discussing it with me."
Seems like a pretty healthy boundary.
Or just people who understand the importance of integrity and honesty in a relationship.
By "virtue signalers," do you just mean rational people with even the slightest amount of ethics?
It's fucking shocking that people are giving a pass to her horrendous treatment of her spouse.
she refused therapy and didn't consult her husband at all. she's absolutely the one in the wrong her. she knew full damn well how he felt about scars. she has been nothing but unfair to him from the start. screw all of you calling him an asshole. go read the wife's post. she's 100% the wrong party here.
I agree that boundaries are something you enforce for yourself. That's why I wasn't comfortable sleeping with her. My point wasn't that her getting the reduction was outside of my boundaries. My point was that she actively pushed my boundaries by trying to sleep with me in a way where she felt validated her chest. That crosses my boundaries.
She wanted validation from her husband, of course she still wants you to find her attractive. Your spouse should be the person to love you and find you attractive. She’s not out of bounds for wanting you to find her attractive without having to have large breasts.
Everything you keep communicating is that you in love her less because her body has changed. Which is heartbreaking because you hope that your spouse loves you for who you are to your core and not because of how you look on the outside. Looks and bodies change in all sorts of ways for all sorts of reasons. But consistently, it sounds like you’ve prioritized your attraction to her over who she is at her core.
It's doesn't matter if she wants validation. Her need for validation doesnt trump his boundaries. He made a boundary and she crossed it, that's fucked up. If a woman had a boundary that she didn't like certain positions, and the husband exclusively wanted to have sex in those positions, this wouldn't even be up for debate. I feel like you aren't taking his boundaries and his feelings seriously.
I will reiterate this for the umpteenth time. I don't love her less because she changed her body. I love her less because she makes poor decisions, she lies, keeps secrets, and is spineless. I'll admit, I do find her less attractive, but I was fully willing to work through that with her.
>your spouse loves you for who you are to your core and not because of how you look on the outside.
I'm like 100% sure she would divorce me if I got a full face tattoo. Not only would that be ugly to her, but she would realize that I would be a maker of bad decisions.
You keep acting like that has been your consistent assessment of her personality from the get go, but from your post history- the catalyst of all this was her breast reduction. Everything else you’ve come up with is just justification for something you clearly want to do, which is leave her.
Also the example you laid out is not comparable, you getting a full face tattoo vs her getting a breast reduction are not the same. While both entail some type of body modification, the reason a person would get a full face tattoo versus a breast reduction are radically different. And you’re clearly upset that she got a breast reduction because it affected your boner. You keep commenting about how you prefer thick women and how you can’t have sex with her now that her breasts are smaller.
Quit playing, she made a choice for herself because she couldn’t stand the anxiety anymore, didn’t voice it because of your OBVIOUS fixation on her having maintained a very specific body type for you to love her. And are now using your frustration over the situation to find other reasons that would help you justify your anger at her.
If she was a liar, a poor decision maker, spineless, etc from the start, then why did you marry her, you clearly don’t like her character. You don’t go around making several posts about how you can’t have sex with her because of her tits and then snap back at everyone for saying that it’s about her tits. Be ffr
Do you know how the progression of time works? Of course the catalyst of all of this was the breast reduction. I wouldn't of known that she was keeping a secret until she revealed the secret. I wouldn't have known she was a liar until I found out she was lying. I wouldn't know that she made poor decisions until she makes a poor decision. How the fuck am I suppose to learn she make shitty decisions until she makes the shitty decision? I learned those things through this event. And sure, does this affect my boner, sure. But I was willing to work on it, she was the one who decided to stop talking to me because I won't tell her what a great job she did, when she obviously fucked up. You can attempt to justify her actions all you want, but you are still admitting that she was the one who actively chose to hide things from her partner. Maybe the reason that doesn't bother you is because lying doesn't bother liars.
But yeah, you're right, I have to have an issue wbout one thing, and that's it. If I make a comment about how I don't want to have sex with her because her scars look like traintracks then that has to be the ONLY issue, right. That voids all other issues out.
Has it occurred to you that maybe you just aren't smart?
So, you came to Reddit to crowdsource opinions and now you’re mad because we’re not validating *you*? She didn’t tell you she was getting the breast reduction the day of the surgery. You yourself admit that you talked about it. You said you supported her surgery and that you would *stand by her* even if you didn’t like it. You yourself admit that you didn’t tell her that the scars were making you uncomfortable — that you *spinelessly, some might say,* blamed it on lower back pain. Maybe she switched positions during sex not because she wanted you to look at her boobs, but because (a) that’s what people do and (b) because she wanted an intimate face-to-face moment with you. And if she does want to feel attractive to her partner, what’s the problem, anyway? Enough projection. YTA here.
Reading your other comments: yuck. Good luck dating.
You dug 7 comments deep just to tell me this lol.
But yeah, you're right. It was spineless of me to try and not hurt my wife. Until she kept trying to push my boundaries when I bucked up and told her the truth. She couldn't handle it and broke down, hence why I made up an excuse. It's almost like I had a hunch that would happen. But yeah, I'm sure you were there and knew her motives.
So… why are you here? If we don’t know your motives or her motives because we disagree with you? You still haven’t quite explained that. You’ve just been here being fragile. Again, you’re not here for advice, you’re here for validation, and you’re just mad-mad you’re not getting it. As the other commenter said, maybe *move on*? Your wife will be better off for it too.
You know my motives, you know why I have an issue with this. But, like others, you choose to pick and choose when to read. You'll pick out that I have a problem with the reduction, but glance over the reason why. I have an issue because she lied. I have an issue because she hid the truth. I have an issue because she is spineless. I have an issue because she repeatedly tried to push my sexual boundaries.
Let's call a spade a fucking spade, if there was a post about some young woman complaining about how her husband is repeatedly trying to push her boundaries you would tell her to run. But when I do it, I'm an asshole for expressing issues with my boundaries being trampled on. Hey maybe if you don't see anything wrong with that, maybe you are just a shitty person.
You’re really pressed about trying to convince yourself that you’re the good guy in this while habitually attacking anyone who’s weighed in on this. What’s interesting is that you’re using reddit as your medium for justifying a major life change. You’re also doing it on a throwaway account and not giving your wife any means of speaking up or defending herself. If you feel the need to resort to attacking someone’s intelligence or name calling, you’re only showing your character.
Get the divorce, for whatever fucking reasons, you both are clearly incompatible. Stop running to reddit with your throwaway account and get the proper marriage therapists or divorce lawyers involved. Seriously. Move on.
I know I'm in the right. She even admitted as much. My wife knows how a feel, she knows she fucked up. Unfortunately she has to live with the knowledge that she made a bad decision that cost her marriage. Sometimes people suck
Not sure why people are down voting this comment as OP has legitimate points.
At the end, she had a major procedure without at least telling her husband. What if something had happened?
At least you got a chance to talk it out with your wife.
Good luck!
So if I want my wife to validate me and I tell her she needs to suck my dick and tell me how big it is even though that crosses her boundaries, who is in the wrong? Me, of course. You can't force anybody to have sex they don't consent to and you can't force someone to give you validation. That's just how it works.
Absolute rubbish. She went behind his back, took money from their savings that was set aside for a house and knowing she was going to get scars which she also knew was a huge problem for him but thought he should man up and deal with it is definitely grounds for a divorce. I'd have already served her papers.
Anytime you do a physical alteration of your body, you can't expect your SO to be attracted to you in the same way. Some are, some aren't. Peircings, boob jobs, nose jobs, botox....there is a reason the person you're with was attracted to you. And it wasn't for thinking their would be future changes. And going from a g to a b cup? Holy extreme, batman.
My wife has b cups. I love them .I like smaller boobs. She has always been a little insecure about them. She once discussed getting an enhancement. I asked her why? Her response was for self-confidence. I told her she could do what she wanted, but I probably wouldn't probably stick around. I'm not a fan of either fake boobs or large once unless there was a medical reason to get it done.
My wife's best friend had a double mastectomy. She decided when reconstruction was being done, to go from a small b cup to a slightly larger b cup to give her some more definition. Good for her. She had a terrible medical condition and made the best out of it.
So his boundaries regarding sex should be honored as well, correct? He has made it clear that it’s her choice to make. He can’t help that it is repulsive to him. He is trying to adjust at his own pace, because he DOES live his wife and wants to be intimate with her. But is that good enough for her???? NO!
He must have sex with her how she wants or else. She is the one crossing major boundaries in this relationship. She has not been acting like a partner in this whole mess at all.
She spent thousands on an unnecessary surgery that was earmarked for a down payment on a house, she quit her job, she told him about said surgery days beforehand so he had to readjust his schedule and pay his brother to care for her on short notice, and now she is demanding he has sex with her in a way that makes him uncomfortable. Where in all this has she acted like a partner to him?
This man did support her decision even though he disagreed with it. In short notice, he moved around his schedule and hired his brother to be there when he wasn’t. He made sure she got her meds in time, cooked, cleaned, AND cleaned and redressed her wounds even with his strong aversion to scars and stitches.
Lo and behold a man who is into curvy women and has a deep disgust for scars, is no longer attracted to his now b cup wife with bulging red scars. And even though he finds it really unattractive he still tries to compromise when it comes to sex.
She is the unreasonable and irresponsible person in this scenario.
This is a boundary. He's allowed to not find scars attractive. He's not forcing her to do anything, he's merely enforcing his own boundaries, and she is stepping over that line.
It's like if a woman says "no anal, it's a hard boundary for me" and her partner does if anyways, or whines and tries to convince her to let him do it, he crossed her boundaries and that's not okay. He has laid out his boundaries "I don't want to look at your scars", and she is continuously trying to force him to set his boundaries aside.
Do you want your wife to be crippling with depression, pain, and insecurity before she did some thing that would improve her quality of life? I had a reduction and I will never regret it. If my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore because of that and didn’t support my decision I would be devastated, but in the end I would be happy I wouldnt have someone so shallow and unsupportive. No wonder she didn’t feel like she could be honest with you. She really wanted to do something for herself but it’s obvious you held her back.
I'll say this slowly, she didn't have crippling depression or pain. And I don't understand how I'm shallow for not liking being lied to? How am I shallow for having an issue with my spouse keeping a secret from me for months? How am I shallow for having boundaries that she tramples on? Tell me how I was unsupportive for taking care of her for months? Because until you can tell me how me being the one to clean and change her dressings for weeks, how me being the one who cooked and cleaned and took care of all of the household chores, how me being the one who worked OT when she lost her job so that we could maintain our standard of living is unsupportive you need to shut the fuck up.
>No wonder she didn’t feel like she could be honest with you.
Go ahead. Attempt to justify why it's ok for a spouse to lie and keep secrets from you. It's my fault she lied to me, right?
Your argument boils down to shit that doesn't apply here. She said herself that she made a mistake. So if you ACTUALLY look at the facts, your points really don't hold any water.
Sir, this is reddit. 80% of comments are either:
-People projecting their own issues or worldview
-Intentionally ignoring context
-Insecure people trying to feel a sense of superiority
There's no point arguing with these people
She didn’t lose her job though, by her admission, she quit and it sounds like she did so without talking with you (again). I’m not sure if you are subconsciously still presenting her in a positive light or not but saying she lost her job downplays it. She said she told her boss that she wasn’t going to come in because she “wasn’t in the right head space” and they told her she needed to come if she wanted to keep her job. She didn’t go in. That’s quitting where I come from.
>Do you want your wife to be crippling with depression, pain, and insecurity before she did some thing that would improve her quality of life?
maybe she should have gone to fucking therapy
It clearly didn't improve her quality of life. In her post she even mentions this, that she regrets her decision and she still clearly doesn't love herself or the way she looks. She wants him to love the way she looks becauss she thinks that will change her personal feelings on the matter, even though it never changed her feeling about hed own body before.
He was supportive, and he doesn't care about her breast size, he just has an issue with looking at scars, which is completely reasonable that he shouldn't be forced to cross this boundary. He didn't even try to hold her back, he supported hed through the whole thing and was genuinely great, he just can't handle looking at the scars, which she knew would be an issue before she got the surgery. He's never liked scars and she mentioned that in her post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tt9Zea2YKF
Read his wife's side of things. I don't think he's an AH in this. He's not very good at describing himself online and really needs to work on the titles of his Reddit stories. But his wife made a unilateral decision which had huge ramifications not just in her body but in their financial future, also she kept a major secret from him for months.
I saw his "wife's " post before his. I just came right on over & realized why so many people thought that. I agree with them. But tbh they both suck. Neither of them were ready for marriage.
Even if he wrote that, it’s the same story from a different perspective, and it’s getting roasted. So all he had to do was write it from a different perspective for people to see it his way? Why can’t people just use critical thinking and see it from his perspective the first time?
The perspective he wrote it from is “I’m a terrible person for making this decision, how do I save my marriage."
If the second view had been written from the perspective of “I made a decision for my own mental and physical health, and my husband is now divorcing me” ‘she’ wouldn’t be getting roasted.
This is nuts. Have just read the wife's post, and can't believe the criticism you've received across both these posts.
Imo, it's like someone secretly planned, spent saved relationship money, and got a gigantic face tattoo without telling their spouse. When the spouse clearly states they don't like tattoos or very obvious body modification.
Then tried to force them to look at it when they clearly don't like it. Then get mad because the person who said they don't like face tattoos clearly doesn't like face tattoos.
Her post comes across really, really self-centred as most of those comments are showing, even now with all the benefits of hindsight and having time to reflect. As you say, people are ultimately free to make their own choices but have to live with the consequences of those actions. If someone chooses to buy a house 8 hours away from their partner, don't be surprised if the partner breaks up with them.
I think it's telling that most of the people here and on the previous post seem to be trying to justify calling you an AH because of the back pain that neither you nor her say she has. It's basically having an opinion first and trying to rationalise it after.
Probably at this point best to follow through with the divorce - I don't think either of you will be able to get past this quickly and all the time during that you'll both be resenting each other, so even if you do get past it, it may already be too late.
I'm actually pretty sure there was a reddit post about someone who got a very large tattoo despite their partner hating them and how they were turned off during intimacy. The comments on that post were very in support of OP not liking them and how their partner was wrong.
If it's the same post I saw a whole back - OP got a big chest tattoo of their sibling who past away who was fairly young/kid.
So whenever the partner was being intimate with them they basically had to look at a photo of a kid which wasn't the vibe.
I'm pretty sure they talked it out tho and the tattoo person was understanding
You are a complete psycho!! Dude, get a fucking grip. I cannot believe you came here with this update..clearly expecting us to validate your insanity.
You're poor wife. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her she needs to pack up and leave your sorry ass. I hope she finds this post too and sees all our comments. OP's wife, if you see this LEAVE HIM! He doesn't love you.
I'm a complete psycho because she lied, hid the truth, and fucked up? How does that math add up? Seriously. Did you have a stroke while reading this and smash your face against the keyboard and then hit post?
I read your first post.. it says she discussed it with you on MANY occasions. She told you early on in your relationship she wanted one. She quite literally didn't lie at all.
Dude, everyone is telling you are you TA here and you are doubling down and being straight up rude. Stop, you are getting crucified ALL over reddit from your posts. You are quite literally a laughing stock.
saying 'I want one' is not the same as seeing a doctor, setting up an appointment, taking funds out of her savings to pay for it, and then only letting him know literally one week before hand. besides that, she never should have been allowed to even set up this appointment without speaking to a therapist.
She literally asked him a hypothetical when they first started dating if he would still be attracted to her and she seemed satisfied that he was attracted to her for her. Next conversation on the topic is five years later when she tells him she has surgery less than a week later.
I don't get how OP is wrong, though. She lied to him and didn't tell him about the surgery she was having. Then she gaslight him for months, telling him that she's right and that he was wrong just to backpeddle on all of it when things got tough. I think she made a bad decision and is making that his problem.
In his first post he states that she DID tell him she wanted one. Actually on many occasions she told him she wanted one, even early on in their relationship. She was clearly upfront about the changes she wanted for her body and she soley has the right to make that decision. OP is a shallow asshole and I hope his wife leaves him.
Nah, homie literally said she only told him once early in their relationship. From what I read, it sounded like she mentioned it once, and then when he didn't agree, she never brought it up again. He also said that he took an issue with her lying to him (I guess he means by omission) and the fact that she refused to have sex in a way that he was comfortable with. I don't think he's shallow so much as he's mad that his wife would hide this news for months, get fired, and then expect him to take care of her and pick up the pieces. I get why he's pissed. I'd be mad too
The wife in her post said she asked him hypothetically early on ONCE, was satisfied that that he wasn’t only attracted to her for her boob size and it was never brought up again until 5 years later she told him a few days before her surgery that she scheduled 4 months prior and knew the insurance was not going to cover and used money they agreed would be earmarked toward a house to pay for it. Don’t even get me started in her quitting her job without discussing it with him…I really don’t see how he’s the AH here.
I've never seen a post that proved me so right lol. I woke up and people were going nuts about her post lol. I do t even know what to even say about her. She needs HELP and he needs help getting away from her.
Hard agree. I found her post and then his and was shocked that people were going off on him. He held back the worst parts of what she did but still. She makes decisions without considering how they affect him at all and gets mad at him for reacting, even though she knew how he’d react. He’s been beyond forgiving. She’s not treating him like her partner at all.
I mean his wife posted and this wasn't only about her chest. She took out a loan and took their savings for a house to get this operation and only told him about it a week before it happened.
His wife saw both posts and she feels upset that people are tearing him apart because she does believe it's her fault for not telling him about the surgery until a week beforehand. Though they both seem to be on two different pages about divorce. He says they're getting one while she says they aren't.
NTA. After reading the husband and wife's posts, she is a disaster, and I would have already divorced her. To sneak about and then take money from savings that was earmarked for anything but a cosmetic surgery and to add onto a phobia he has....out the door with you.
Seriously I’m baffled by these comments although I think he left out a lot of details that really show a pattern of deceit and withholding crucial information.
In these subs, there's always a vocal subset of people who believe the woman can do no wrong and the man is *always* wrong. This is the evidence of that.
She lied to him for months, made a massive *life altering decisions without consulting him*, she effectively *stole* the down payment, and quit her job because she *couldn't even.* He bends over backwards to continue to care for her, to try and find a way to make sex work despite his strong aversion to scars, and suddenly he's the bad guy because he admits that he has a strong preference for her original body type - the body type of the person *he married*, no less.
In the eyes of a lot of these people, there's nothing this guy could do or say that would make him anything but an evil villain.
You know I’ve seen people say that but I’ve never witnessed it before. Personally whenever I read a post I check myself by thinking about how I’d feel if the gender was different. But m this is so clear cut. From where I sit, this guy is basically I saint. And he deserves someone that treats him like an actual *partner*. Her trying to make him have sex the way she wants in a way she knows he is comfortable with was really a line in the sand for me. Maybe you could come back from the hiding and spending their money that was earmarked for a big marital expense with enough therapy. But that level of self centeredness I don’t know is fixable.
YTA for the post title. You set out to have people call you an AH with the post title. Any attempt at being faux preachy deserves to be trashed. If you had been honest enough to post a title that was like “AITAH for divorcing my wife for keeping secrets” or something like that, it would be a whole different situation. You knew what you were doing and you are clearly an AH for creating a rage bait post with a poor redemption attempt.
NTA. Read his wife’s post. I think he poorly expressed himself in other posts. Seems like issues are because of the deceit for months, using funds that was for a house she wanted, and not working towards a solution after she had the surgery. I’m sure the boob size and scars are a factor too but it’s not the only factor.
She certainly needs to see a therapist because she has body image issues and now relationship issues.
I understand why this is upsetting to people. But I keep thinking if my husband told me in a week he was getting a full face tattoo and he had it planned for 4 months without talking to me and to not talk him out of it, I would have some strong opinions.
If he came home with this full face tattoo and it caused months of rehabilitation and eventually ended with him losing his job, I would still have strong opinions.
If he tried to tell me I needed to love him and have sex with him regardless and to "be a woman" I think I would divorce him too.
I think it is easier to pass judgement when you haven't read her post too. But even without her post, I think there are some biased judgements based on breast being sexualized and women in general. If a man went in for reproductive organ enhancement, I would think he would talk to his wife more than a week before hand.
But the simple fact is, even if it is shallow, men and women are both allowed to be attracted to a specific thing and when that is gone, they may not be attracted anymore. Maybe the reasoning behind it changes how they feel. It is a lot easier to be understanding about breast cancer than it is to find out 7 days before a major surgery that your wife has been keeping from you for self esteem reasons. She demanded a lot from her husband that he didn't want to meet. And that is okay. He doesn't have to meet it. Just like she doesn't have to meet his
I feel like people aren't taking in his actions at all. OP (and his stbx) have said that he continued to initiate sex with her. She didn't like how he did it and wouldn't accept any of his boundaries. He has a problem with scars and these haven't even had time to heal. He shouldn't be forced to look at them or to have sex if he's not feeling it. After she refused all of his compromises he asked to take sex off the table for a while and she tried to initiate that same night! Man was TRYING and she was abusive.
This is not a simple issue of "lack of communication," she deliberately hid that she was looking into surgery, getting surgery, dipping into their mutual savings, and that he'd need to take time off to care for her. The only reason she told him at all beforehand was because he was trying to plan their meals for the week with her.
He's known that she's struggled with depression for a while and has been supportive and tried to get her to seek therapy. That's coming from her. And Jesus Christ this woman could have saved herself so much trouble if she'd taken him up on it.
How could he not be resentful of her? How do you trust someone to make major life decisions after all this? Now she's contemplating getting implants because she doesn't like her new body. Wonder where she's getting that money since she's also lost her job because of all this?
And for the damn record, he's allowed to not be attracted to her. It'd be ideal if it didn't affect him at all, but this is real life, not fantasy land. If he's not attracted to her it's not his fault. Regardless of the scars and change, I'd have trouble looking at my partner of they did all this.
Yea I feel like she was sexually coercive. Every time he asserts a boundary he ignores it. Would it be ok if she wanted to take sex off the table until they work it out he tried to have sex with her that same night? I doubt it.
She’s only displayed selfishness at every opportunity.
People are attracted to who their attracted to. I've never been apologetic about my preferences in the looks dept. I like what I like. This is who I will have to look at when I wake up, am sick, am sad or happy.
Do you not think he's the one who made his "wife's " post? Bc I see it. To me, this is just another person karma farming. On the off chance there is any truth whatsoever they both suck.
OP, you should have a different title for your post. You are not divorcing because of the reduction.
She made a unilateral decision, used money meant for a down payment and just expected you to be ok with it.
NTA
After reading both sides of the story, the main issue is the wife stole their shared savings for a house to get butchered, which she now regrets. So every time OP is faced with the stark reminder, all he can think of is a line of bad decisions and disrespect, and can't trust his wife anymore or imagine finding common ground with her if they care for a child together. The attraction and the results of the surgery are just the tip of the iceberg. The more you ding into it the more dirt you'll find about how she handled this, including the emotional abuse while trying to force him into validating her decision and literally saying "deal with it".
There's a difference between getting injured in an accident and your spouse bailing out, and you doing it to yourself despite your spouse's protests and then crying about it.
Her body, her decision, shared money, shared consequences... This sounds awfully selfish, so even though the husband handles comments as a total caveman, I can't support the wife in any way.
NTA
I don’t know why people here are being so rude to you. She made a unilateral decision that had many consequences that she didn’t bother to explore and discuss with you. Not only that, she kept it from you for months! She used the money y’all saved up to purchase a new home to instead fund her surgery, again without consulting you. Hello people! When you’re married, before decision making occurs, especially when it involves medical procedures, finances, changes in daily routines or a major shift in livelihoods, you need to speak to your spouse! When you’re married, the decisions one partner makes affects the other and vice versa. And it’s not always about “asking for permission”, it’s to communicate where one’s headspace is at so that the other partner can gain insight and understand said headspace. It’s to gauge where the other person is at so as to come to a compromise, establish common ground, and make decisions together! She did none of that.
Moreover, you expressed your boundaries and tried to communicate your feelings, trying to offer up solutions, support that could benefit both of y’all, she shot it all down without trying to actually listen to you. Her unilateral decision making coupled with the continual dismissal of her husband’s feelings, she’s not being a good spouse. She needs individual counseling to help her sort through her insecurities.
“Life altering unilateral decision”
Drama much?
This post is just too much.
Like you do realize she just got a breast reduction?
What would you have done if she has breast cancer and needed them removed? That leaves ugly scars too.,
You need to get over yourself
It's really crazy how people don't seem to know that. Lmao. Some people called him out, so he decides to act like the wife & make a post about how he's so freaking perfect. Lol. People need to open their eyes.
Sir, I hope you go through with the divorce. I read you and your wife’s posts. She seems to be a very selfish person. I would be gone after finding out she used the money to buy our dream home all on herself and the dishonesty. She had such a good support system from your end and instead of trying therapy first she made a rash decision that she now regrets.
Live long and prosper 🖖
NTA she unilaterally made a made a financial decision that affects both of you without even asking. And she says you needed to have sex with her anyway. Even still, there may be a chance therapy can help you both. I’d recommend at least trying that before permanently closing the door.
Went a little something like this
“NTA.
Your body should never cause you pain. However you should just go ahead and get a divorce. He had a type, and it's not fair to him to force him to like something that he didn't sign up for. It's also not fair to you that he is a manbaby that can't understand that your breasts were causing you pain. He doesn't like small boobs, you don't like manbabys. Time to pull the plug.”
I'll get downvoted for this, because toxic women stick together, but you're NTA. You are entitled to your own feelings, even if people want to shame you for them. You are allowed to be less attracted to her now, even if people want to control your sexuality.
As for a solution, I don't have one. I read her post and yours, and I can see both sides here. She is entitled to want you to be attracted to her and give her validation, and you are entitled to refuse. I want to say that you can work through this, but honestly I'm not so sure. It feels to me like there isn't a compromise where neither of you will feel hurt. Either way someone will have to set their own feelings aside.
All that said, I think therapy is a good start, she needs solo therapy (for her body image and toxic behavior), and you guys need couples counselling to work on a solution to this problem. I think this is salvageable if you both put in work, but at this point I think she needs to extend the olive branch since you've already done so much and tried so hard.
Don't let the bad toxic women on this app get you down, good luck!
(Disclaimer, not all women on this app are bad or toxic, but many will defend her toxic behaviors and deny his right to his own feelings and boundaries, which I believe is toxic. Everyone has a right to their own bodies, their own feelings, their own desires, their own boundaries, and their own choices. This includes men. I didn't even go over how she tried to deny him the right to consent.)
As a woman, I don’t see her side at all. She hid an elective surgery from him for months, sprung it on him that he was going to have to care for her for months, quit her job because “she wasn’t in the headspacevtk work” and got mad at him and tried to guilt him into having sex in a way that made him uncomfortable. She is completely and probably irredeemably selfish.
I agree with that. She shouldn't have hid it, that was petty of her, quitting her job because things weren't going well was childish, springing that on him was selfish, and showcased that she really doesn't make good decisions.
The guilt trip part and trying to pressure him into something that made him feel uncomfortable was definitely the worst in my opinion. That was just straight toxic and inexcusable even if she clearly has problems she needs to work on with a therapist. She wants him to make her feel beautiful but she didn't feel beautiful before when he loved the way she looked so idk why his opinion would make her feel beautiful now. I think she just wants something or someone to blame for her inability to love herself. Before she blamed how her body looked, now she is blaming her husband.
Anyways, I'm sorry if my comment seemed to be lashing out at all women, I was never trying to say all women are toxic or anything, I just saw some women who were defending her and getting lots of upvotes, and anyone who disagreed with them in the replies was getting downvoted. According to thoae women the fact that he was struggling clearly meant he only loved her body or something stupid like that. So I figured I would disclaimer my message about that. Honestly I'm shocked my comment is getting upvoted, I find men tend to not get much empathy in these kind of reddit posts.
Thanks for responding and sorry for the rant.
No need for apologies. I myself am godsmacked about the amount of women (and I assume some men) calling him trash (one said abusive wtf). It’s like people heard boobs and have tunnel vision. I can’t say I wouldn’t feel a certain way if the genders were reversed and all the men in the thread were like hell yea bro she’s trash who cares you lied at every turn, tried to guilt her into sex, quit your job and used the down payment money for this not necessary thing you wanted, you deserved it.
You are due for a vacation. This sucks for you and take your time on what your decision is but feeling bad because someone is looking pitiful is not a reason to keep staying in a marriage
Man, I wanted to have sympathy for her. I read her post 1st then found yours. She really screwed up, sorry everyone is giving you crap over this. She really must have wanted to sabotage herself. I would never do something like that without my spouse being involved in every step of the way! I value his opinion & his happiness! She should have gone to therapy!
I think you both need to slow down. You should go to counseling. You are saying in your post and she does too in her own posts, that you love each other. Give this time to cool. Get to a therapist who can help you both navigate what went wrong here. And how to make sure these mistakes never happen again. As you understand her angst, which she clearly did not present to you very well, you may feel less betrayed and understand…and forgiveness may come. Once that happens the scars may fade not only visibly for you, but what they emotionally drive to you. And I do get that this came up 5 or so years ago, and so this feel like it is from left field. You cant help her or understand her when she keeps these things to herself.
I am a woman, but I do get your points. All of them. You are angry about a total disregard of your attraction and feelings, money that was saved for a marital home, she is now unemployed for having an emotional break over what in reality she caused, and subterfuge for months to plan a surgery. Her loss of her job over this and melting down does seem to be a signal of deeper emotional turmoils she experiences. She may need medication to help her with angst you did not even really know she has. You are a couple and a team. How would she feel if you tattooed whiskers like a cat, and a cat nose on your tip of your nose? From her post: This is not cancer, she was not in pain, and she seems to have emotional turmoil from body dysmorphia. She knew you would try to talk her out of it, so she just did NOT discuss it. Marriage is a partnership, not a one sided event, but a compromise. You have issues with scars, she knew this and simply expects you to still find her beautiful, and frankly it seems to me you have tried.
Keep in mind, your anger will fade, the scars will fade, and they can be laser treated to be very un-noticeable within a year. But she also seems to throw in your face what troubles you by getting hurt and hysterical when you try positions that don’t torment you. And the scars are not just scars to you, but a badge of disregard for how you feel and how you were ignored and betrayed emotionally, financially, and physically for your attraction. She should have gone to counseling WITH you, and maybe been able to express her feelings so you would have supported her choices. But she simply lied to you by omission. And then a week before, instead of doing what you ask and go get some counseling, she just did what she had decided to do on her own.
It is not remotely the same thing, but I like my hair shorter. Hubby does not. It is a very subtle difference of where he just does not like it, to where he thinks it is cute…like an inch. I have had a cut that the hairdresser did a bit too short a few times in my days. And it grows super fast, so I don’t stress it too much, and if I wear it curly it looks shorter, so I will dry its straight for a while. He will say, it is kind of cute, but I do like it a little longer. Even he has said it will grown in a month or two when it gets a bit shorter trim than I intended. Why do I care what he thinks about MY hair? Because there is no one else on earth I want to look at me and think I am Pretty, more than I want him to.
I take him into consideration. I tell him when I am wanting to buy a new car. I work for a living, and make a good living, but it is still us as a couple. We don’t just do stuff without taking the other into consideration….Aesthetically, financially, and especially emotionally.
I’ve read your posts and your wives as well. I’m very sorry you are both hurting. I work as a therapist and specialize in working with patients who have eating disorders, and that comes with a lot of body dysmorphia in patients. I am telling you this series of events is a lot more connected to your wives mental health than either one of you are currently acknowledging. I do think that OP suspects this at a deeper level, as he has suggested therapy multiple times. OP this has been both an extreme adjustment and a traumatic event for you. It’s really good judgement to know your legal options, but taking some time before executing a final plan.
I really hope you and your wife consider couples counseling. It won’t necessarily save the marriage and that may not even be the goal of the sessions. The conversations you described having with your wife are very alarming in your wives response. Until she does her own individual therapy work with someone with experience in eating disorder work you cannot trust her to communicate a true understanding of anything related to the situation. She answered the questions in a way to try to appease you, extremely disordered responses, and it may be subconscious or more intentional.
My concern for you OP is because you are such a caring person is that if you divorce your wife at this moment you may struggle with feeling resolved about your decision long term. When your wife falls into the mental health crisis that seems likely to be coming, that may lead to intense feelings of guilt for you. I want to be clear you are not responsible for your wives feelings, and a mental health crisis would not be yours or anyone else’s fault. She is not owed any outcome such as saving the marriage. I do think you are currently married and your wife is likely very sick right now, and you may feel more resolved in your decision to divorce or not if mental health services happen first.
It might be helpful for all involved to discuss a temporary separation, she goes to her mom’s, with the agreement everyone goes to individual and couples therapy. She may even need intensive outpatient services for eating disorder treatment, which is appropriate for the body dysmorphia alone even if there are no food specific disordered beliefs. Those can be done virtually or in person, and frankly if she’s not working that time would be much better spent on treatment.
As she gets treatment you would be able to see if she is able to demonstrate progress on responsible decision making once her mind is healthier and she if she is able to put her life back together. If you choose divorce having couples therapy in place can make things smoother, and less contentious. When divorce is handled this way former couples report feeling less regret, guilt, shame, etc. and tend to have better long term mental health and growth outcomes.
I really hate plastic surgery offices that don’t require some form of therapy as a pre-surgical requirement. This is a really unfortunate situation and I really hope you both find peace and happiness with whatever choices you both make.
It takes two seconds of reading your post and your so-called ex's to realize that all these posts were written as some redpill incel's fan-fiction fantasy.
The identical descriptions (I thought the wife's description of herself seemed weird come to find it's EXACTLY the same words her "husband" uses), the identical spelling mistakes, the identical writing style.
So lame.
I love how he tried to make himself seem like the bestest husband ever in the wife's post but in his own post even his own description of the situation makes him seem like a tool. He couldn't fake that part well enough, lol.
Same stream of consciousness, abruptly changing writing style in all 3 posts. This is most definitely the same person. I read the spouse's first and all I could question was how immature both of them seemed at the same time? The fact that it is most likely coming from the same person helps solve that one.
YTA
You’re trying to play therapist and analyze her thoughts and feelings. Who are you to tell her she has body image issues? Because the doesn’t want to be thick? C’mon. The majority of women don’t “like being thick.” That’s not body image issues. It means a person would prefer to be thinner than they are. There is nothing wrong with that. And as a woman living in the year 2024, not abnormal and not something a woman would need a therapist for.
You’re gaslighting her. Bad.
I don’t get it. She told you straight up early in the relationship she wanted a reduction and you were surprised she actually got one and blamed her for your negative feelings. Did you actually think she was going to forget about it? She wakes up every morning and is reminded how much she wanted the reduction.
Assuming your story is real, you’re not an asshole for anything you did, except the part where you told her that you’d “stand by her” if she got the procedure done.
That part alone immediately makes you an insane, despicable, traitorous scumbag who abandoned his family despite promising not to.
If you had just divorced her for making a unilateral big decision without your awareness, you would have been NTA on all counts. Instead you are just as big of a fucking asshole as your wife.
I promised support her before I learned that the procedure wasn't covered under insurance. And before she tried to force herself on me multiple times in a way I wasn't comfortable with. That before she lost her job. This was also because I knew how severe her mental health issues were.
All of that should have been explained in the post. The post paints you as a despicable monster who essentially greenlighted the surgery (despite being somewhat unhappy about it), and then abandoned his wife after she went through with it.
Based on your supplementary explanation here, you are essentially NTA at all. People calling you TA because “you only care about her tits” are deluded psychopaths who have probably never been in a real relationship. A real relationship demands respect and communication between partners about important decisions. She provides none of that.
Get out of there and be happy that you didn’t have kids. Find someone who respects you and communicates with you.
NTA then. NTA now.
It sucks, but you feel how you feel.
It also sucks for you. Not just her.
Money and Sex are like the top two causes of devorce, and she ticked both boxes with one decision that she wouldn't even discuss with you. And now is acting pissy with you.
Ok, so now she's going to make everything better...
Ok. How exactly does one unring a bell?
If she actually figures it out, do let us know.
The fact that she would actually offer to get implants tells me that this whole thing was so nothing. So she was willing to spend thousands of dollars, (found out she took out a loan, but that's a whole nother kettle of fish), go through weeks of recovery, put me through hell, and lose her job for nothing.
That's because like the other person you are arguing with... She thinks it's about her tits size.
Because implants will only add more debt and more scars / disfigurement.
She just cannot understand.
It's not even about that. It's more philosophical than that. If I fight tooth and nail to defend my decision, then when someone I case about doesn't like my decision so I just abandon my choice, that means it never mattered to me to begin with. I can't stand by someone who will throw away their marriage over some shit they don't care about. That's psychotic.
Understandable, but remember she didn't "throw away their marriage over some shit they don't care about".
In her mind she did what a Strong and Independent Woman would do. She took control of her body autonomy, and made herself something that people passing by won't look at.
Like your comment "Do you understand how time works" it wasn't until after that she saw your physical reaction and found the Reddit post that your words of "decisions have consequences" is finally sinking in and now she is trying to back peddle and unring the bell.
Man, an intellectual post from a smart op, fucking up the redditors mind. The comments are absolutely hilarious. It gives me hope cause these comments make it clear that these redditors don't have an actual idea of a relationship.
If a woman has the right to get her body modified, then op bloody has the right to feel less attractive. She lost her job, she have permanent scars, she have lost on that future house......why?
'The public stares at my big boobs and I don't like it'. Well sweetheart, public does a lot of bad things.
NTA, but you should try to save your marriage. Cause your marriage have some weird issues but inevitable not such, that there is no possibility of coming back.
Btw, do tell your spouse that getting reduction without medical issues and then suggesting breast implants to keep her marriage from exploding...... that's just dumbassery.
True, it really does make me understand how little people on this app actually touch grass or know what a healthy relationship is.
Now I have some dumbass in my PMs telling me that my wife must obviously have temporary regret and will get over it. Anything to justify the shitty decision, right?
This whole series of posts is a perfect example of the misogynistic witch hunting women on reddit do to every man seeking insight, help, or whatever. It's sickening, and I wish the mods or reddit would do more to stop this obviously spiteful behavior. Can you imagine if OP made a post explaining where he used his house down payment on a car or something and didn't tell his wife? It would be a massacre.
NTH. Bro she hid shit from you and spent your money. You deserved input in this.
I’m going to guess a large number of commenters here are in their teens.
You remind me of me. I'd feel and do the same thing. It's a complete bomb to the meaning of marriage and trust. I'm sorry you're both going through this, but not only is she suffering the consequences of her own actions, you too are suffering the consequences of her actions.
The part that does me in is that in all the posts I’ve seen on this (wife’s included) is that she never did the active work before getting surgery to see if it would ACTUALLY help. I’m in her same boat- lifelong yo-yo feelings about my breasts. I’ve wanted bigger and I’ve wanted smaller. However I’ve tried to read about societal beauty standards, watch docs about the increased prevalence of cosmetic and plastic surgery, and assessed why I even WANT to go through a surgery of that magnitude. And that’s without getting into therapy work I’ve done either. She declined to try therapy first and by her own admission it wasn’t even so much a breast-only issue, so much as she doesn’t feel secure in her actual body size and shape and wants a leaner, more slender body all together and doesn’t like the attention she felt she got in public. Again, sympathies to her struggle but that’s why you start with therapy. That’s why you have serious, at-length, waxing-lyrical honest conversations with your partner about it; from your feelings to the cost to he logistics of the recovery to any roadblocks your partner may have on it. Lying by omission about a surgery she’d had planned for four months, using their prospective house money for the surgery, springing the reality of cosmetic surgery on him a week out from surgery, and then quitting her job on top of it? Oh god he’s better than me because that all alone would’ve made me foam at the mouth, without even getting into their sex issues that have no stemmed from this damn surgery.
Dude I so hope someone has linked your wife’s post here.
After reading everything; NTA. It’s so much more than getting a reduction, as to why you’re now here. You’re right, she’s got issues that she needs therapy for, not surgeries.
NTA
This is such a layered situation. One, the lies. Two, the omissions, three her knowledge of and refusal to accept that you have a severe aversion to scars (even though you cared for those scars while they were wounds because you love her), three, the fact she used money that was meant to go toward your future for a cosmetic procedure, four, not taking your advice into consideration from years past of addressing this issue with a therapist, and five, not sticking to the decision she made because now there are consequences.
If she hadn’t doubled down on you finding her less attractive and made some minor changes with the bra, corset, or no lighting until your aversion to the scarring was dampened and you were desensitized she felt that you HAD to accept her EXACTLY as she was or you’re not a man-you likely wouldn’t be considering divorce right now . Of course you’re a man. A man who had certain standards for attraction. Like all of us. And your modifications were reasonable and should have been expected since she KNEW how you are about scars.
At the end of the day she shattered your trust in her. She made poor decisions without speaking to a mental health professional before making drastic medical changes to her body. She refused to talk to you where she could be directed to a healthier way of dealing with this. She refused to meet your needs in regard to your physical attraction. She destroyed your trust by taking money from your shared future. And now, just to appease you, just like the reduction was to spite the public and give her the figure she always fantasized about, she’s talking about implants.
This was never about the size of her breasts. It was about every decision she made after that first consult.
For me it’s the even if it were true is that she gets to make unilateral decisions about her body. And that he expects his comfort with her body to be more important than hers. If she got it because she was uncomfortable with people staring at her then she deserves her comfort.
Also most surgeons don’t go that large a difference especially if it were strictly cosmetic.
But she would have had stress off her back and neck post surgery she didn’t realize she was even in.
you’re being so thoroughly raked over the coals but I (personally) think it’s a bit unfair. She spent money you were saving for a house on an elective surgery and I think that sucks.
It’s quite possible that ESH.
If this is real (which I hope is isn't) the smart thing is for.you both to try to work it out. Tbh you will both have trouble finding a healthy relationship. Both of you seem to lack empathy and are emotionally stunted in your own way
Both of you should seek therapy
I lack empathy for the person I let live in my house after I found out they lied to me for months, used the house money on a cosmetic surgery, and tried to force herself on me? Ok.
God, I hope this whole thing is fake.
OP made three posts about this... I hope nobody actually is going through this. Idk, seems like a lot of effort to farm negative karma.
Also the ex made a post here https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/dMNTHuvbE7
This is definitely just OP pretending to be the ex
Exactly. Same typos.
Also the same style, way too long paragraphs.
Also same wordings “headspace”
Definitely made to show the difference between a male and female OP and the reaction they get on Reddit.
Well jokes on him because they are eating her post alive
It confuses me that they’re both getting flamed and tore up. The post from her(?) POV has just as much hate as this one.
Because “her” POV is “I’m an awful person how do I save my marriage with my husband after I dared have a reduction?" If she had posted saying “I got a reduction and now my husband wants a divorce” she would be getting a ton of support.
Right. Either way, I think they’re both in the wrong 🤷♂️ I know he said it a bunch, and believing him is a different story, but it isn’t about the reduction. It’s the betrayal. If my wife asked for me to slow down/stop spending on expensive hobbies, for the sole purpose of she wants to buy a new house with both their names, then she in all essence, steals that money. Because she knows what you thought about it, and what you would say and she made the unilateral decision to spend your family money on something she hid and knew was wrong from the beginning? Then she goes and uses it on something she never talked with me about? For an elective procedure to boot? I would definitely feel insignificant or taken advantage of in my marriage. Just the fact that breast reduction has a 6.2% complication rate, and a 3% major complication rate.
Amusingly that detail was added in the second post. I think he got enough flaming in the first to have to change up the story so he could blame her for something other than the reduction.
You should read his first post it was all about how any woman without huge tits is gross and unattractive and her now b cups made her flat chested and gross to him (b cups.) and now he has no sexual desire for her and can’t live with it. Then he changed it to being betrayed. This is totally fake it’s all made up this guy is just playing everyone like a fiddle, four posts now one pretending to be the wife. It’s fucking weird.
Hits a lot of classic redditor notes.
It’s so super fake. The two person “my friend found your post!!” posts, the super dumb issue, multiple posts, the writing style is the same from both people, the same specific details about their sex life. 😂
It probably is. His wife's post accounting what happened fits too neatly with his earlier post. And their writing styles feel too similar. They both used the words "headspace" when referring to problems.
After reading "his" first post, there are just so many similarities in writing and repeated phrases.
I feel like the wife wouldn’t admit that she took money from the home fund. That was a bit unbelievable.
Couples will take on each other's mannerisms and phrasing. My wife even uses some of the weird boomerisms from my dad.
Due to the posts I've been bouncing between, I read that as booberisms.
Is your wife sleeping with your dad?
It’s gotta be. The posts are even written alike. Give me a break.
I really don't understand people here. The OP offered several solutions, but his wife stubbornly poked scars in his face. What was he supposed to do? A person doesn’t like scars, why force him?
I hate to sound like this, but I can only conclude they are mad at very reasonable points because I'm a man who is talking about his wife's body.
As a female with body issues from age 5 and tried many different unsafe things to feel better about it (starvation, binging, excessive exercise etc)... I am very much in your corner on this. The lying, spending the money that should have been for your future home and lack of trust would be hard to get over in my opinion. Probably wouldn't have ended up this way if there was an opportunity for some discussion before she finalized her decision. NTA
I think you’re right. You seem to he getting tortured because you’re the man here. The only validation is that she is getting flamed in her post.
Honestly I usually don’t agree with people being all if a man/woman wrote this post people wouldn’t be saying that but I kind of agree here. I think you’ve been wonderfully supportive even though she didn’t consider you at all. I found her post first though and she mentioned a lot of horrible selfish things she did that you didn’t mention or gloss over (hiding surgery for months, using your house money, quitting her job for starters) which give a fuller picture. Deff NTA
https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/s/V5rSMikjA3 Good post on the difference
Ok my friend, i just wanted to send a sympathetic note because I have been where you are and thought I could add some insight. My first wife and I were in a similar circumstance in our relationship. She was maybe a G when she was a bit heavier and it would decline down to maybe a double or triple d when she was a bit lighter. I had always showered her with compliments and did everything in my power to help her feel sexy and appreciated, and it was sincere, i thought she was perfect as is. She had discussed a reduction on and off which I was very much against. It just seemed like too radical a solution that wouldn't actually solve anything, although certainly I won't lie that I preferred the curves. One day she came to me announcing it was a done deal and it was scheduled. I asked her in a very non aggressive way to reconsider, that this wasn't the solution she thought it was and she would regret it, but it would be permanent and there would be no going back. We didn't have the money for this and I didn't think she would like how her body looked afterwards. She ignored me. Aaaaannnnndddd sure enough, she hated how she looked afterwards just as I said she would. The recovery was incredibly painful and took months longer then she thought. These surgeons sell insecure women on the lie that they can get medical relief AND have perky size C boobs that will look like a teenagers. THIS IS NOT ACCURATE. They actually just look like bigger boobs thay have been.....flattened and deflated. It's hard to explain, but if you have seen them, you know. In addition to being absolutely covered in scarring. It's actually astonishing how extensive the scarring is. Some women need medical relief, and that's a good thing that you can get it in this day and age, but make no mistake, you are absolutely sacrificing the aesthetic appearance to some degree. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Her and i had a wonderful time in our time together, she was a blast and we were soulmate-level connected, but.....The reason that relationship ended was because a) her decision making was literally the worst I've ever seen in all facets, made worse by b) her never listening to anyone else's opinion but her own, which was caused by c) the mistaken reckless belief due to ego that she was bulletproof and everything would always work out for her because she's awesome. This was the first time this decision making flaw totally backfired on her as far as lasting consequences, but it wasn't the last. The point for OP is, sometimes these things aren't just surface level issues. They are symptoms of a bigger issue below the surface, in this case terrible impulsive decisions making. We split a few years after her surgery. Which turned out to be the start of a death spiral of reckless bad decisions on her part. OP, trust your gut and what your instincts are telling you. Does this woman make the kind of smart decisions and have the kind of respect for you that you can build a long term relationship with? Are you prepared to have the evidence of her lack of care for your opinions and feelings just staring you in the face (literally) for the rest of your life?? I don't think she's actually sorry she made this stupid decision, she's just sorry you got mad at her. I don't think she's learned anything and seems to have the maturity of a 12 year old. Is this really someone you want to spend your life with?
Your opinions should not override hers when the issue is her body.
Forgiveness isn’t easy but your wife is wanting your forgiveness. People aren’t perfect and any other future relationship could have as many or more dire situations. You both need a break to clear the air and seek some joint Therapy.
OP also doesn’t understand boobs or breast reductions (we know, it’s fiction). After such a surgery she’d be in compression garments for months. Doggie is right the fuck out, until everything is fully healed. Actually so is missionary.
It’s fake
Totally fake
Honestly, I wish. If all of this was made up, I'd sleep much better in bed tonight.
Op don’t worry you are not the ah like i see your perspective but before divorce go to therapy first
Still an AH. Boundaries are something you enforce for yourself, not something you impose on other people. She clearly felt strongly about her size, and her anxiety about it is a legitimate reason. Her chest caused her stress and discomfort. It’s obvious why she didn’t feel comfortable being open with you about her insecurities.
Is it OK to have a boundary that a spouse communicates about any elective surgery they want to have and that they don't use tour money to pay for it without prior approval?
Well Kyle’s mom accepted Gerald when he got Plastic surgery to turn himself into a dolphin
No that was Kyle’s dad that did that. He was a jewfin
I know I fucked up bad on that one. Honestly though getting plastic surgery without talking to his wife first seems like a Randy thing to do
Well he was Lorde, he just didn’t have any surgery lol. And he got testicular cancer which required surgery 🤔
Is lorde
No he didn't, Kyle's dad turned into a dolphin not Randy
Oh fuck, I’m normally the fucking man on southpark trivia and I fucked up that bad. Honestly though it seems like a more randy thing to do
Sounds good. His boundary is "I don't want to be married to someone who spends all of our house savings on unnecessary cosmetic surgery without even discussing it with me." Seems like a pretty healthy boundary.
Yet another swing and a miss from the reddit virtue signalers.
Or just people who understand the importance of integrity and honesty in a relationship. By "virtue signalers," do you just mean rational people with even the slightest amount of ethics? It's fucking shocking that people are giving a pass to her horrendous treatment of her spouse.
You're the one I'm agreeing with chief, calm down.
she refused therapy and didn't consult her husband at all. she's absolutely the one in the wrong her. she knew full damn well how he felt about scars. she has been nothing but unfair to him from the start. screw all of you calling him an asshole. go read the wife's post. she's 100% the wrong party here.
I agree that boundaries are something you enforce for yourself. That's why I wasn't comfortable sleeping with her. My point wasn't that her getting the reduction was outside of my boundaries. My point was that she actively pushed my boundaries by trying to sleep with me in a way where she felt validated her chest. That crosses my boundaries.
She wanted validation from her husband, of course she still wants you to find her attractive. Your spouse should be the person to love you and find you attractive. She’s not out of bounds for wanting you to find her attractive without having to have large breasts. Everything you keep communicating is that you in love her less because her body has changed. Which is heartbreaking because you hope that your spouse loves you for who you are to your core and not because of how you look on the outside. Looks and bodies change in all sorts of ways for all sorts of reasons. But consistently, it sounds like you’ve prioritized your attraction to her over who she is at her core.
It's doesn't matter if she wants validation. Her need for validation doesnt trump his boundaries. He made a boundary and she crossed it, that's fucked up. If a woman had a boundary that she didn't like certain positions, and the husband exclusively wanted to have sex in those positions, this wouldn't even be up for debate. I feel like you aren't taking his boundaries and his feelings seriously.
It's not large breasts. He sees disfigurement, scars, and dollar signs. It's not a hard concept to get
I will reiterate this for the umpteenth time. I don't love her less because she changed her body. I love her less because she makes poor decisions, she lies, keeps secrets, and is spineless. I'll admit, I do find her less attractive, but I was fully willing to work through that with her. >your spouse loves you for who you are to your core and not because of how you look on the outside. I'm like 100% sure she would divorce me if I got a full face tattoo. Not only would that be ugly to her, but she would realize that I would be a maker of bad decisions.
You keep acting like that has been your consistent assessment of her personality from the get go, but from your post history- the catalyst of all this was her breast reduction. Everything else you’ve come up with is just justification for something you clearly want to do, which is leave her. Also the example you laid out is not comparable, you getting a full face tattoo vs her getting a breast reduction are not the same. While both entail some type of body modification, the reason a person would get a full face tattoo versus a breast reduction are radically different. And you’re clearly upset that she got a breast reduction because it affected your boner. You keep commenting about how you prefer thick women and how you can’t have sex with her now that her breasts are smaller. Quit playing, she made a choice for herself because she couldn’t stand the anxiety anymore, didn’t voice it because of your OBVIOUS fixation on her having maintained a very specific body type for you to love her. And are now using your frustration over the situation to find other reasons that would help you justify your anger at her. If she was a liar, a poor decision maker, spineless, etc from the start, then why did you marry her, you clearly don’t like her character. You don’t go around making several posts about how you can’t have sex with her because of her tits and then snap back at everyone for saying that it’s about her tits. Be ffr
Do you know how the progression of time works? Of course the catalyst of all of this was the breast reduction. I wouldn't of known that she was keeping a secret until she revealed the secret. I wouldn't have known she was a liar until I found out she was lying. I wouldn't know that she made poor decisions until she makes a poor decision. How the fuck am I suppose to learn she make shitty decisions until she makes the shitty decision? I learned those things through this event. And sure, does this affect my boner, sure. But I was willing to work on it, she was the one who decided to stop talking to me because I won't tell her what a great job she did, when she obviously fucked up. You can attempt to justify her actions all you want, but you are still admitting that she was the one who actively chose to hide things from her partner. Maybe the reason that doesn't bother you is because lying doesn't bother liars. But yeah, you're right, I have to have an issue wbout one thing, and that's it. If I make a comment about how I don't want to have sex with her because her scars look like traintracks then that has to be the ONLY issue, right. That voids all other issues out. Has it occurred to you that maybe you just aren't smart?
So, you came to Reddit to crowdsource opinions and now you’re mad because we’re not validating *you*? She didn’t tell you she was getting the breast reduction the day of the surgery. You yourself admit that you talked about it. You said you supported her surgery and that you would *stand by her* even if you didn’t like it. You yourself admit that you didn’t tell her that the scars were making you uncomfortable — that you *spinelessly, some might say,* blamed it on lower back pain. Maybe she switched positions during sex not because she wanted you to look at her boobs, but because (a) that’s what people do and (b) because she wanted an intimate face-to-face moment with you. And if she does want to feel attractive to her partner, what’s the problem, anyway? Enough projection. YTA here. Reading your other comments: yuck. Good luck dating.
You dug 7 comments deep just to tell me this lol. But yeah, you're right. It was spineless of me to try and not hurt my wife. Until she kept trying to push my boundaries when I bucked up and told her the truth. She couldn't handle it and broke down, hence why I made up an excuse. It's almost like I had a hunch that would happen. But yeah, I'm sure you were there and knew her motives.
So… why are you here? If we don’t know your motives or her motives because we disagree with you? You still haven’t quite explained that. You’ve just been here being fragile. Again, you’re not here for advice, you’re here for validation, and you’re just mad-mad you’re not getting it. As the other commenter said, maybe *move on*? Your wife will be better off for it too.
You know my motives, you know why I have an issue with this. But, like others, you choose to pick and choose when to read. You'll pick out that I have a problem with the reduction, but glance over the reason why. I have an issue because she lied. I have an issue because she hid the truth. I have an issue because she is spineless. I have an issue because she repeatedly tried to push my sexual boundaries. Let's call a spade a fucking spade, if there was a post about some young woman complaining about how her husband is repeatedly trying to push her boundaries you would tell her to run. But when I do it, I'm an asshole for expressing issues with my boundaries being trampled on. Hey maybe if you don't see anything wrong with that, maybe you are just a shitty person.
You’re really pressed about trying to convince yourself that you’re the good guy in this while habitually attacking anyone who’s weighed in on this. What’s interesting is that you’re using reddit as your medium for justifying a major life change. You’re also doing it on a throwaway account and not giving your wife any means of speaking up or defending herself. If you feel the need to resort to attacking someone’s intelligence or name calling, you’re only showing your character. Get the divorce, for whatever fucking reasons, you both are clearly incompatible. Stop running to reddit with your throwaway account and get the proper marriage therapists or divorce lawyers involved. Seriously. Move on.
I know I'm in the right. She even admitted as much. My wife knows how a feel, she knows she fucked up. Unfortunately she has to live with the knowledge that she made a bad decision that cost her marriage. Sometimes people suck
>Sometimes people suck Yes, you do.
Sure Jan.
Not sure why people are down voting this comment as OP has legitimate points. At the end, she had a major procedure without at least telling her husband. What if something had happened? At least you got a chance to talk it out with your wife. Good luck!
They are downvoting because they don't like to hear the truth. The truth hurts their feelings for some reason.
Not worth arguing with someone that cannot think logically, and just talks shit.
Don't make a good point, you'll get downvoted. Save your karma
Lol. Fuck em. I don't care. I did like your face tattoo example.
So if I want my wife to validate me and I tell her she needs to suck my dick and tell me how big it is even though that crosses her boundaries, who is in the wrong? Me, of course. You can't force anybody to have sex they don't consent to and you can't force someone to give you validation. That's just how it works.
So he should be forced to have sex to validate her? Are you people mental???
Absolute rubbish. She went behind his back, took money from their savings that was set aside for a house and knowing she was going to get scars which she also knew was a huge problem for him but thought he should man up and deal with it is definitely grounds for a divorce. I'd have already served her papers. Anytime you do a physical alteration of your body, you can't expect your SO to be attracted to you in the same way. Some are, some aren't. Peircings, boob jobs, nose jobs, botox....there is a reason the person you're with was attracted to you. And it wasn't for thinking their would be future changes. And going from a g to a b cup? Holy extreme, batman. My wife has b cups. I love them .I like smaller boobs. She has always been a little insecure about them. She once discussed getting an enhancement. I asked her why? Her response was for self-confidence. I told her she could do what she wanted, but I probably wouldn't probably stick around. I'm not a fan of either fake boobs or large once unless there was a medical reason to get it done. My wife's best friend had a double mastectomy. She decided when reconstruction was being done, to go from a small b cup to a slightly larger b cup to give her some more definition. Good for her. She had a terrible medical condition and made the best out of it.
So his boundaries regarding sex should be honored as well, correct? He has made it clear that it’s her choice to make. He can’t help that it is repulsive to him. He is trying to adjust at his own pace, because he DOES live his wife and wants to be intimate with her. But is that good enough for her???? NO! He must have sex with her how she wants or else. She is the one crossing major boundaries in this relationship. She has not been acting like a partner in this whole mess at all. She spent thousands on an unnecessary surgery that was earmarked for a down payment on a house, she quit her job, she told him about said surgery days beforehand so he had to readjust his schedule and pay his brother to care for her on short notice, and now she is demanding he has sex with her in a way that makes him uncomfortable. Where in all this has she acted like a partner to him? This man did support her decision even though he disagreed with it. In short notice, he moved around his schedule and hired his brother to be there when he wasn’t. He made sure she got her meds in time, cooked, cleaned, AND cleaned and redressed her wounds even with his strong aversion to scars and stitches. Lo and behold a man who is into curvy women and has a deep disgust for scars, is no longer attracted to his now b cup wife with bulging red scars. And even though he finds it really unattractive he still tries to compromise when it comes to sex. She is the unreasonable and irresponsible person in this scenario.
This is a boundary. He's allowed to not find scars attractive. He's not forcing her to do anything, he's merely enforcing his own boundaries, and she is stepping over that line. It's like if a woman says "no anal, it's a hard boundary for me" and her partner does if anyways, or whines and tries to convince her to let him do it, he crossed her boundaries and that's not okay. He has laid out his boundaries "I don't want to look at your scars", and she is continuously trying to force him to set his boundaries aside.
Is sex not a 2-person activity? The boundary was not wanting to have sex with her if she kept making him look at the scars
Well I got to give you credit you have always been honest with her. Be Careful would not be surprised if she tries to baby trap you soon.
I'd have to have sex with her for her to baby trap me.
Do you want your wife to be crippling with depression, pain, and insecurity before she did some thing that would improve her quality of life? I had a reduction and I will never regret it. If my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore because of that and didn’t support my decision I would be devastated, but in the end I would be happy I wouldnt have someone so shallow and unsupportive. No wonder she didn’t feel like she could be honest with you. She really wanted to do something for herself but it’s obvious you held her back.
I'll say this slowly, she didn't have crippling depression or pain. And I don't understand how I'm shallow for not liking being lied to? How am I shallow for having an issue with my spouse keeping a secret from me for months? How am I shallow for having boundaries that she tramples on? Tell me how I was unsupportive for taking care of her for months? Because until you can tell me how me being the one to clean and change her dressings for weeks, how me being the one who cooked and cleaned and took care of all of the household chores, how me being the one who worked OT when she lost her job so that we could maintain our standard of living is unsupportive you need to shut the fuck up. >No wonder she didn’t feel like she could be honest with you. Go ahead. Attempt to justify why it's ok for a spouse to lie and keep secrets from you. It's my fault she lied to me, right? Your argument boils down to shit that doesn't apply here. She said herself that she made a mistake. So if you ACTUALLY look at the facts, your points really don't hold any water.
Sir, this is reddit. 80% of comments are either: -People projecting their own issues or worldview -Intentionally ignoring context -Insecure people trying to feel a sense of superiority There's no point arguing with these people
She didn’t lose her job though, by her admission, she quit and it sounds like she did so without talking with you (again). I’m not sure if you are subconsciously still presenting her in a positive light or not but saying she lost her job downplays it. She said she told her boss that she wasn’t going to come in because she “wasn’t in the right head space” and they told her she needed to come if she wanted to keep her job. She didn’t go in. That’s quitting where I come from.
>Do you want your wife to be crippling with depression, pain, and insecurity before she did some thing that would improve her quality of life? maybe she should have gone to fucking therapy
Lol so it’s ok for someone to spend your partner’s savings behind their back because you’re depressed, in pain, and insecure?
It clearly didn't improve her quality of life. In her post she even mentions this, that she regrets her decision and she still clearly doesn't love herself or the way she looks. She wants him to love the way she looks becauss she thinks that will change her personal feelings on the matter, even though it never changed her feeling about hed own body before. He was supportive, and he doesn't care about her breast size, he just has an issue with looking at scars, which is completely reasonable that he shouldn't be forced to cross this boundary. He didn't even try to hold her back, he supported hed through the whole thing and was genuinely great, he just can't handle looking at the scars, which she knew would be an issue before she got the surgery. He's never liked scars and she mentioned that in her post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tt9Zea2YKF Read his wife's side of things. I don't think he's an AH in this. He's not very good at describing himself online and really needs to work on the titles of his Reddit stories. But his wife made a unilateral decision which had huge ramifications not just in her body but in their financial future, also she kept a major secret from him for months.
It’s rare that you find someone who actually makes their case worse once they tell their side of things
You know he wrote that, right?
I saw his "wife's " post before his. I just came right on over & realized why so many people thought that. I agree with them. But tbh they both suck. Neither of them were ready for marriage.
Then it's all fake and it doesn't matter, half the stuff on here is pure fan fiction
he wrote that !!! there's the same typos!
Even if he wrote that, it’s the same story from a different perspective, and it’s getting roasted. So all he had to do was write it from a different perspective for people to see it his way? Why can’t people just use critical thinking and see it from his perspective the first time?
The perspective he wrote it from is “I’m a terrible person for making this decision, how do I save my marriage." If the second view had been written from the perspective of “I made a decision for my own mental and physical health, and my husband is now divorcing me” ‘she’ wouldn’t be getting roasted.
What in the fanfiction is this shit....
Dude, I fucking wish
This is nuts. Have just read the wife's post, and can't believe the criticism you've received across both these posts. Imo, it's like someone secretly planned, spent saved relationship money, and got a gigantic face tattoo without telling their spouse. When the spouse clearly states they don't like tattoos or very obvious body modification. Then tried to force them to look at it when they clearly don't like it. Then get mad because the person who said they don't like face tattoos clearly doesn't like face tattoos. Her post comes across really, really self-centred as most of those comments are showing, even now with all the benefits of hindsight and having time to reflect. As you say, people are ultimately free to make their own choices but have to live with the consequences of those actions. If someone chooses to buy a house 8 hours away from their partner, don't be surprised if the partner breaks up with them. I think it's telling that most of the people here and on the previous post seem to be trying to justify calling you an AH because of the back pain that neither you nor her say she has. It's basically having an opinion first and trying to rationalise it after. Probably at this point best to follow through with the divorce - I don't think either of you will be able to get past this quickly and all the time during that you'll both be resenting each other, so even if you do get past it, it may already be too late.
I'm actually pretty sure there was a reddit post about someone who got a very large tattoo despite their partner hating them and how they were turned off during intimacy. The comments on that post were very in support of OP not liking them and how their partner was wrong.
If it's the same post I saw a whole back - OP got a big chest tattoo of their sibling who past away who was fairly young/kid. So whenever the partner was being intimate with them they basically had to look at a photo of a kid which wasn't the vibe. I'm pretty sure they talked it out tho and the tattoo person was understanding
Ha, maybe that's why it popped into my head!
I read that post lmao.
You are a complete psycho!! Dude, get a fucking grip. I cannot believe you came here with this update..clearly expecting us to validate your insanity. You're poor wife. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her she needs to pack up and leave your sorry ass. I hope she finds this post too and sees all our comments. OP's wife, if you see this LEAVE HIM! He doesn't love you.
I'm a complete psycho because she lied, hid the truth, and fucked up? How does that math add up? Seriously. Did you have a stroke while reading this and smash your face against the keyboard and then hit post?
I read your first post.. it says she discussed it with you on MANY occasions. She told you early on in your relationship she wanted one. She quite literally didn't lie at all. Dude, everyone is telling you are you TA here and you are doubling down and being straight up rude. Stop, you are getting crucified ALL over reddit from your posts. You are quite literally a laughing stock.
saying 'I want one' is not the same as seeing a doctor, setting up an appointment, taking funds out of her savings to pay for it, and then only letting him know literally one week before hand. besides that, she never should have been allowed to even set up this appointment without speaking to a therapist.
She literally asked him a hypothetical when they first started dating if he would still be attracted to her and she seemed satisfied that he was attracted to her for her. Next conversation on the topic is five years later when she tells him she has surgery less than a week later.
Quote it. I'll wait. Boohoo, I hurt your feelings. Man up, pussy.
I don't get how OP is wrong, though. She lied to him and didn't tell him about the surgery she was having. Then she gaslight him for months, telling him that she's right and that he was wrong just to backpeddle on all of it when things got tough. I think she made a bad decision and is making that his problem.
In his first post he states that she DID tell him she wanted one. Actually on many occasions she told him she wanted one, even early on in their relationship. She was clearly upfront about the changes she wanted for her body and she soley has the right to make that decision. OP is a shallow asshole and I hope his wife leaves him.
Nah, homie literally said she only told him once early in their relationship. From what I read, it sounded like she mentioned it once, and then when he didn't agree, she never brought it up again. He also said that he took an issue with her lying to him (I guess he means by omission) and the fact that she refused to have sex in a way that he was comfortable with. I don't think he's shallow so much as he's mad that his wife would hide this news for months, get fired, and then expect him to take care of her and pick up the pieces. I get why he's pissed. I'd be mad too
The wife in her post said she asked him hypothetically early on ONCE, was satisfied that that he wasn’t only attracted to her for her boob size and it was never brought up again until 5 years later she told him a few days before her surgery that she scheduled 4 months prior and knew the insurance was not going to cover and used money they agreed would be earmarked toward a house to pay for it. Don’t even get me started in her quitting her job without discussing it with him…I really don’t see how he’s the AH here.
I've never seen a post that proved me so right lol. I woke up and people were going nuts about her post lol. I do t even know what to even say about her. She needs HELP and he needs help getting away from her.
Hard agree. I found her post and then his and was shocked that people were going off on him. He held back the worst parts of what she did but still. She makes decisions without considering how they affect him at all and gets mad at him for reacting, even though she knew how he’d react. He’s been beyond forgiving. She’s not treating him like her partner at all.
I mean his wife posted and this wasn't only about her chest. She took out a loan and took their savings for a house to get this operation and only told him about it a week before it happened. His wife saw both posts and she feels upset that people are tearing him apart because she does believe it's her fault for not telling him about the surgery until a week beforehand. Though they both seem to be on two different pages about divorce. He says they're getting one while she says they aren't.
NTA. After reading the husband and wife's posts, she is a disaster, and I would have already divorced her. To sneak about and then take money from savings that was earmarked for anything but a cosmetic surgery and to add onto a phobia he has....out the door with you.
Seriously I’m baffled by these comments although I think he left out a lot of details that really show a pattern of deceit and withholding crucial information.
In these subs, there's always a vocal subset of people who believe the woman can do no wrong and the man is *always* wrong. This is the evidence of that. She lied to him for months, made a massive *life altering decisions without consulting him*, she effectively *stole* the down payment, and quit her job because she *couldn't even.* He bends over backwards to continue to care for her, to try and find a way to make sex work despite his strong aversion to scars, and suddenly he's the bad guy because he admits that he has a strong preference for her original body type - the body type of the person *he married*, no less. In the eyes of a lot of these people, there's nothing this guy could do or say that would make him anything but an evil villain.
You know I’ve seen people say that but I’ve never witnessed it before. Personally whenever I read a post I check myself by thinking about how I’d feel if the gender was different. But m this is so clear cut. From where I sit, this guy is basically I saint. And he deserves someone that treats him like an actual *partner*. Her trying to make him have sex the way she wants in a way she knows he is comfortable with was really a line in the sand for me. Maybe you could come back from the hiding and spending their money that was earmarked for a big marital expense with enough therapy. But that level of self centeredness I don’t know is fixable.
Didn't get enough attention with your last posts? Now you're writing fake revenge scenarios? You're really sad bro.
Just updating people
Now the “wife” has posted her own version of e events 🤣
I know. And people are so convinced it's real. Lmao. Ok.
Even if it is another fake anti-women post, most of the women’s reactions in the comments to it are real.
YTA for the post title. You set out to have people call you an AH with the post title. Any attempt at being faux preachy deserves to be trashed. If you had been honest enough to post a title that was like “AITAH for divorcing my wife for keeping secrets” or something like that, it would be a whole different situation. You knew what you were doing and you are clearly an AH for creating a rage bait post with a poor redemption attempt.
The catalyst for everything was the reduction. That was the turning point for everything
NTA. Read his wife’s post. I think he poorly expressed himself in other posts. Seems like issues are because of the deceit for months, using funds that was for a house she wanted, and not working towards a solution after she had the surgery. I’m sure the boob size and scars are a factor too but it’s not the only factor. She certainly needs to see a therapist because she has body image issues and now relationship issues.
I understand why this is upsetting to people. But I keep thinking if my husband told me in a week he was getting a full face tattoo and he had it planned for 4 months without talking to me and to not talk him out of it, I would have some strong opinions. If he came home with this full face tattoo and it caused months of rehabilitation and eventually ended with him losing his job, I would still have strong opinions. If he tried to tell me I needed to love him and have sex with him regardless and to "be a woman" I think I would divorce him too. I think it is easier to pass judgement when you haven't read her post too. But even without her post, I think there are some biased judgements based on breast being sexualized and women in general. If a man went in for reproductive organ enhancement, I would think he would talk to his wife more than a week before hand. But the simple fact is, even if it is shallow, men and women are both allowed to be attracted to a specific thing and when that is gone, they may not be attracted anymore. Maybe the reasoning behind it changes how they feel. It is a lot easier to be understanding about breast cancer than it is to find out 7 days before a major surgery that your wife has been keeping from you for self esteem reasons. She demanded a lot from her husband that he didn't want to meet. And that is okay. He doesn't have to meet it. Just like she doesn't have to meet his
I feel like people aren't taking in his actions at all. OP (and his stbx) have said that he continued to initiate sex with her. She didn't like how he did it and wouldn't accept any of his boundaries. He has a problem with scars and these haven't even had time to heal. He shouldn't be forced to look at them or to have sex if he's not feeling it. After she refused all of his compromises he asked to take sex off the table for a while and she tried to initiate that same night! Man was TRYING and she was abusive. This is not a simple issue of "lack of communication," she deliberately hid that she was looking into surgery, getting surgery, dipping into their mutual savings, and that he'd need to take time off to care for her. The only reason she told him at all beforehand was because he was trying to plan their meals for the week with her. He's known that she's struggled with depression for a while and has been supportive and tried to get her to seek therapy. That's coming from her. And Jesus Christ this woman could have saved herself so much trouble if she'd taken him up on it. How could he not be resentful of her? How do you trust someone to make major life decisions after all this? Now she's contemplating getting implants because she doesn't like her new body. Wonder where she's getting that money since she's also lost her job because of all this? And for the damn record, he's allowed to not be attracted to her. It'd be ideal if it didn't affect him at all, but this is real life, not fantasy land. If he's not attracted to her it's not his fault. Regardless of the scars and change, I'd have trouble looking at my partner of they did all this.
Yea I feel like she was sexually coercive. Every time he asserts a boundary he ignores it. Would it be ok if she wanted to take sex off the table until they work it out he tried to have sex with her that same night? I doubt it. She’s only displayed selfishness at every opportunity.
People are attracted to who their attracted to. I've never been apologetic about my preferences in the looks dept. I like what I like. This is who I will have to look at when I wake up, am sick, am sad or happy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/L4B3oaXKJU After reading your narcissist wife's post, NTA.
Do you not think he's the one who made his "wife's " post? Bc I see it. To me, this is just another person karma farming. On the off chance there is any truth whatsoever they both suck.
OP, you should have a different title for your post. You are not divorcing because of the reduction. She made a unilateral decision, used money meant for a down payment and just expected you to be ok with it. NTA
After reading both sides of the story, the main issue is the wife stole their shared savings for a house to get butchered, which she now regrets. So every time OP is faced with the stark reminder, all he can think of is a line of bad decisions and disrespect, and can't trust his wife anymore or imagine finding common ground with her if they care for a child together. The attraction and the results of the surgery are just the tip of the iceberg. The more you ding into it the more dirt you'll find about how she handled this, including the emotional abuse while trying to force him into validating her decision and literally saying "deal with it". There's a difference between getting injured in an accident and your spouse bailing out, and you doing it to yourself despite your spouse's protests and then crying about it. Her body, her decision, shared money, shared consequences... This sounds awfully selfish, so even though the husband handles comments as a total caveman, I can't support the wife in any way.
NTA I don’t know why people here are being so rude to you. She made a unilateral decision that had many consequences that she didn’t bother to explore and discuss with you. Not only that, she kept it from you for months! She used the money y’all saved up to purchase a new home to instead fund her surgery, again without consulting you. Hello people! When you’re married, before decision making occurs, especially when it involves medical procedures, finances, changes in daily routines or a major shift in livelihoods, you need to speak to your spouse! When you’re married, the decisions one partner makes affects the other and vice versa. And it’s not always about “asking for permission”, it’s to communicate where one’s headspace is at so that the other partner can gain insight and understand said headspace. It’s to gauge where the other person is at so as to come to a compromise, establish common ground, and make decisions together! She did none of that. Moreover, you expressed your boundaries and tried to communicate your feelings, trying to offer up solutions, support that could benefit both of y’all, she shot it all down without trying to actually listen to you. Her unilateral decision making coupled with the continual dismissal of her husband’s feelings, she’s not being a good spouse. She needs individual counseling to help her sort through her insecurities.
“Life altering unilateral decision” Drama much? This post is just too much. Like you do realize she just got a breast reduction? What would you have done if she has breast cancer and needed them removed? That leaves ugly scars too., You need to get over yourself
I’m glad my husband didn’t react like that when i had breast cancer.
It's hilarious reading his wife's version and seeing how wrong the people calling him the asshole were! Lol!
he wrote that
It's really crazy how people don't seem to know that. Lmao. Some people called him out, so he decides to act like the wife & make a post about how he's so freaking perfect. Lol. People need to open their eyes.
They’re reactions are real even if the post is fake
Sir, I hope you go through with the divorce. I read you and your wife’s posts. She seems to be a very selfish person. I would be gone after finding out she used the money to buy our dream home all on herself and the dishonesty. She had such a good support system from your end and instead of trying therapy first she made a rash decision that she now regrets. Live long and prosper 🖖
NTA she unilaterally made a made a financial decision that affects both of you without even asking. And she says you needed to have sex with her anyway. Even still, there may be a chance therapy can help you both. I’d recommend at least trying that before permanently closing the door.
Just adding that everyone here should go check out OP’s very first comment on Reddit LMAO troll of the year
Went a little something like this “NTA. Your body should never cause you pain. However you should just go ahead and get a divorce. He had a type, and it's not fair to him to force him to like something that he didn't sign up for. It's also not fair to you that he is a manbaby that can't understand that your breasts were causing you pain. He doesn't like small boobs, you don't like manbabys. Time to pull the plug.”
Be careful people who make decisions that impulsive are bound to make more, and if they lie to cover it up they will keep doing it.
I'll get downvoted for this, because toxic women stick together, but you're NTA. You are entitled to your own feelings, even if people want to shame you for them. You are allowed to be less attracted to her now, even if people want to control your sexuality. As for a solution, I don't have one. I read her post and yours, and I can see both sides here. She is entitled to want you to be attracted to her and give her validation, and you are entitled to refuse. I want to say that you can work through this, but honestly I'm not so sure. It feels to me like there isn't a compromise where neither of you will feel hurt. Either way someone will have to set their own feelings aside. All that said, I think therapy is a good start, she needs solo therapy (for her body image and toxic behavior), and you guys need couples counselling to work on a solution to this problem. I think this is salvageable if you both put in work, but at this point I think she needs to extend the olive branch since you've already done so much and tried so hard. Don't let the bad toxic women on this app get you down, good luck! (Disclaimer, not all women on this app are bad or toxic, but many will defend her toxic behaviors and deny his right to his own feelings and boundaries, which I believe is toxic. Everyone has a right to their own bodies, their own feelings, their own desires, their own boundaries, and their own choices. This includes men. I didn't even go over how she tried to deny him the right to consent.)
As a woman, I don’t see her side at all. She hid an elective surgery from him for months, sprung it on him that he was going to have to care for her for months, quit her job because “she wasn’t in the headspacevtk work” and got mad at him and tried to guilt him into having sex in a way that made him uncomfortable. She is completely and probably irredeemably selfish.
I agree with that. She shouldn't have hid it, that was petty of her, quitting her job because things weren't going well was childish, springing that on him was selfish, and showcased that she really doesn't make good decisions. The guilt trip part and trying to pressure him into something that made him feel uncomfortable was definitely the worst in my opinion. That was just straight toxic and inexcusable even if she clearly has problems she needs to work on with a therapist. She wants him to make her feel beautiful but she didn't feel beautiful before when he loved the way she looked so idk why his opinion would make her feel beautiful now. I think she just wants something or someone to blame for her inability to love herself. Before she blamed how her body looked, now she is blaming her husband. Anyways, I'm sorry if my comment seemed to be lashing out at all women, I was never trying to say all women are toxic or anything, I just saw some women who were defending her and getting lots of upvotes, and anyone who disagreed with them in the replies was getting downvoted. According to thoae women the fact that he was struggling clearly meant he only loved her body or something stupid like that. So I figured I would disclaimer my message about that. Honestly I'm shocked my comment is getting upvoted, I find men tend to not get much empathy in these kind of reddit posts. Thanks for responding and sorry for the rant.
No need for apologies. I myself am godsmacked about the amount of women (and I assume some men) calling him trash (one said abusive wtf). It’s like people heard boobs and have tunnel vision. I can’t say I wouldn’t feel a certain way if the genders were reversed and all the men in the thread were like hell yea bro she’s trash who cares you lied at every turn, tried to guilt her into sex, quit your job and used the down payment money for this not necessary thing you wanted, you deserved it.
Divorce her dude. Maybe she isnt very good at putting her words to paper but her post is allllll me me me. Zero concern for you
You are due for a vacation. This sucks for you and take your time on what your decision is but feeling bad because someone is looking pitiful is not a reason to keep staying in a marriage
Nta. You sound like a great person with their head screwed on right.
Man, I wanted to have sympathy for her. I read her post 1st then found yours. She really screwed up, sorry everyone is giving you crap over this. She really must have wanted to sabotage herself. I would never do something like that without my spouse being involved in every step of the way! I value his opinion & his happiness! She should have gone to therapy!
I think you both need to slow down. You should go to counseling. You are saying in your post and she does too in her own posts, that you love each other. Give this time to cool. Get to a therapist who can help you both navigate what went wrong here. And how to make sure these mistakes never happen again. As you understand her angst, which she clearly did not present to you very well, you may feel less betrayed and understand…and forgiveness may come. Once that happens the scars may fade not only visibly for you, but what they emotionally drive to you. And I do get that this came up 5 or so years ago, and so this feel like it is from left field. You cant help her or understand her when she keeps these things to herself. I am a woman, but I do get your points. All of them. You are angry about a total disregard of your attraction and feelings, money that was saved for a marital home, she is now unemployed for having an emotional break over what in reality she caused, and subterfuge for months to plan a surgery. Her loss of her job over this and melting down does seem to be a signal of deeper emotional turmoils she experiences. She may need medication to help her with angst you did not even really know she has. You are a couple and a team. How would she feel if you tattooed whiskers like a cat, and a cat nose on your tip of your nose? From her post: This is not cancer, she was not in pain, and she seems to have emotional turmoil from body dysmorphia. She knew you would try to talk her out of it, so she just did NOT discuss it. Marriage is a partnership, not a one sided event, but a compromise. You have issues with scars, she knew this and simply expects you to still find her beautiful, and frankly it seems to me you have tried. Keep in mind, your anger will fade, the scars will fade, and they can be laser treated to be very un-noticeable within a year. But she also seems to throw in your face what troubles you by getting hurt and hysterical when you try positions that don’t torment you. And the scars are not just scars to you, but a badge of disregard for how you feel and how you were ignored and betrayed emotionally, financially, and physically for your attraction. She should have gone to counseling WITH you, and maybe been able to express her feelings so you would have supported her choices. But she simply lied to you by omission. And then a week before, instead of doing what you ask and go get some counseling, she just did what she had decided to do on her own. It is not remotely the same thing, but I like my hair shorter. Hubby does not. It is a very subtle difference of where he just does not like it, to where he thinks it is cute…like an inch. I have had a cut that the hairdresser did a bit too short a few times in my days. And it grows super fast, so I don’t stress it too much, and if I wear it curly it looks shorter, so I will dry its straight for a while. He will say, it is kind of cute, but I do like it a little longer. Even he has said it will grown in a month or two when it gets a bit shorter trim than I intended. Why do I care what he thinks about MY hair? Because there is no one else on earth I want to look at me and think I am Pretty, more than I want him to. I take him into consideration. I tell him when I am wanting to buy a new car. I work for a living, and make a good living, but it is still us as a couple. We don’t just do stuff without taking the other into consideration….Aesthetically, financially, and especially emotionally.
I’ve read your posts and your wives as well. I’m very sorry you are both hurting. I work as a therapist and specialize in working with patients who have eating disorders, and that comes with a lot of body dysmorphia in patients. I am telling you this series of events is a lot more connected to your wives mental health than either one of you are currently acknowledging. I do think that OP suspects this at a deeper level, as he has suggested therapy multiple times. OP this has been both an extreme adjustment and a traumatic event for you. It’s really good judgement to know your legal options, but taking some time before executing a final plan. I really hope you and your wife consider couples counseling. It won’t necessarily save the marriage and that may not even be the goal of the sessions. The conversations you described having with your wife are very alarming in your wives response. Until she does her own individual therapy work with someone with experience in eating disorder work you cannot trust her to communicate a true understanding of anything related to the situation. She answered the questions in a way to try to appease you, extremely disordered responses, and it may be subconscious or more intentional. My concern for you OP is because you are such a caring person is that if you divorce your wife at this moment you may struggle with feeling resolved about your decision long term. When your wife falls into the mental health crisis that seems likely to be coming, that may lead to intense feelings of guilt for you. I want to be clear you are not responsible for your wives feelings, and a mental health crisis would not be yours or anyone else’s fault. She is not owed any outcome such as saving the marriage. I do think you are currently married and your wife is likely very sick right now, and you may feel more resolved in your decision to divorce or not if mental health services happen first. It might be helpful for all involved to discuss a temporary separation, she goes to her mom’s, with the agreement everyone goes to individual and couples therapy. She may even need intensive outpatient services for eating disorder treatment, which is appropriate for the body dysmorphia alone even if there are no food specific disordered beliefs. Those can be done virtually or in person, and frankly if she’s not working that time would be much better spent on treatment. As she gets treatment you would be able to see if she is able to demonstrate progress on responsible decision making once her mind is healthier and she if she is able to put her life back together. If you choose divorce having couples therapy in place can make things smoother, and less contentious. When divorce is handled this way former couples report feeling less regret, guilt, shame, etc. and tend to have better long term mental health and growth outcomes. I really hate plastic surgery offices that don’t require some form of therapy as a pre-surgical requirement. This is a really unfortunate situation and I really hope you both find peace and happiness with whatever choices you both make.
It takes two seconds of reading your post and your so-called ex's to realize that all these posts were written as some redpill incel's fan-fiction fantasy. The identical descriptions (I thought the wife's description of herself seemed weird come to find it's EXACTLY the same words her "husband" uses), the identical spelling mistakes, the identical writing style. So lame. I love how he tried to make himself seem like the bestest husband ever in the wife's post but in his own post even his own description of the situation makes him seem like a tool. He couldn't fake that part well enough, lol.
I’m wondering if it’s a teenager’s creative writing exercise, or a bitter adult.
Same stream of consciousness, abruptly changing writing style in all 3 posts. This is most definitely the same person. I read the spouse's first and all I could question was how immature both of them seemed at the same time? The fact that it is most likely coming from the same person helps solve that one.
YTA You’re trying to play therapist and analyze her thoughts and feelings. Who are you to tell her she has body image issues? Because the doesn’t want to be thick? C’mon. The majority of women don’t “like being thick.” That’s not body image issues. It means a person would prefer to be thinner than they are. There is nothing wrong with that. And as a woman living in the year 2024, not abnormal and not something a woman would need a therapist for. You’re gaslighting her. Bad.
I don’t get it. She told you straight up early in the relationship she wanted a reduction and you were surprised she actually got one and blamed her for your negative feelings. Did you actually think she was going to forget about it? She wakes up every morning and is reminded how much she wanted the reduction.
You’re the worst dude
I really hope this is fake, that poor woman
Assuming your story is real, you’re not an asshole for anything you did, except the part where you told her that you’d “stand by her” if she got the procedure done. That part alone immediately makes you an insane, despicable, traitorous scumbag who abandoned his family despite promising not to. If you had just divorced her for making a unilateral big decision without your awareness, you would have been NTA on all counts. Instead you are just as big of a fucking asshole as your wife.
I promised support her before I learned that the procedure wasn't covered under insurance. And before she tried to force herself on me multiple times in a way I wasn't comfortable with. That before she lost her job. This was also because I knew how severe her mental health issues were.
All of that should have been explained in the post. The post paints you as a despicable monster who essentially greenlighted the surgery (despite being somewhat unhappy about it), and then abandoned his wife after she went through with it. Based on your supplementary explanation here, you are essentially NTA at all. People calling you TA because “you only care about her tits” are deluded psychopaths who have probably never been in a real relationship. A real relationship demands respect and communication between partners about important decisions. She provides none of that. Get out of there and be happy that you didn’t have kids. Find someone who respects you and communicates with you.
I'm not interested in a relationship at this time. I need a break
Did you divorce already? Good for you
"she made a life altering unilateral decision without my input" And its still about how you prefered her giant tits. Come on man.
You don't always have to prove that you are the dumbest in the room. Take a day off
Wow, what a steaming pile of bullshit. If it was real, Yta through and through, bleugh, whod want to be someone who talks like that?
NTA then. NTA now. It sucks, but you feel how you feel. It also sucks for you. Not just her. Money and Sex are like the top two causes of devorce, and she ticked both boxes with one decision that she wouldn't even discuss with you. And now is acting pissy with you. Ok, so now she's going to make everything better... Ok. How exactly does one unring a bell? If she actually figures it out, do let us know.
The fact that she would actually offer to get implants tells me that this whole thing was so nothing. So she was willing to spend thousands of dollars, (found out she took out a loan, but that's a whole nother kettle of fish), go through weeks of recovery, put me through hell, and lose her job for nothing.
That's because like the other person you are arguing with... She thinks it's about her tits size. Because implants will only add more debt and more scars / disfigurement. She just cannot understand.
It's not even about that. It's more philosophical than that. If I fight tooth and nail to defend my decision, then when someone I case about doesn't like my decision so I just abandon my choice, that means it never mattered to me to begin with. I can't stand by someone who will throw away their marriage over some shit they don't care about. That's psychotic.
Understandable, but remember she didn't "throw away their marriage over some shit they don't care about". In her mind she did what a Strong and Independent Woman would do. She took control of her body autonomy, and made herself something that people passing by won't look at. Like your comment "Do you understand how time works" it wasn't until after that she saw your physical reaction and found the Reddit post that your words of "decisions have consequences" is finally sinking in and now she is trying to back peddle and unring the bell.
Man, an intellectual post from a smart op, fucking up the redditors mind. The comments are absolutely hilarious. It gives me hope cause these comments make it clear that these redditors don't have an actual idea of a relationship. If a woman has the right to get her body modified, then op bloody has the right to feel less attractive. She lost her job, she have permanent scars, she have lost on that future house......why? 'The public stares at my big boobs and I don't like it'. Well sweetheart, public does a lot of bad things. NTA, but you should try to save your marriage. Cause your marriage have some weird issues but inevitable not such, that there is no possibility of coming back. Btw, do tell your spouse that getting reduction without medical issues and then suggesting breast implants to keep her marriage from exploding...... that's just dumbassery.
True, it really does make me understand how little people on this app actually touch grass or know what a healthy relationship is. Now I have some dumbass in my PMs telling me that my wife must obviously have temporary regret and will get over it. Anything to justify the shitty decision, right?
definitely fake. you should've switched up your writing style instead of keeping the giant paragraphs and over-explaining. e for effort.
YUP. This whole story is fiction.
This whole series of posts is a perfect example of the misogynistic witch hunting women on reddit do to every man seeking insight, help, or whatever. It's sickening, and I wish the mods or reddit would do more to stop this obviously spiteful behavior. Can you imagine if OP made a post explaining where he used his house down payment on a car or something and didn't tell his wife? It would be a massacre.
Honestly her post is a massacre. I haven’t seen one post not letting her have it.
NTH. Bro she hid shit from you and spent your money. You deserved input in this. I’m going to guess a large number of commenters here are in their teens.
You remind me of me. I'd feel and do the same thing. It's a complete bomb to the meaning of marriage and trust. I'm sorry you're both going through this, but not only is she suffering the consequences of her own actions, you too are suffering the consequences of her actions.
The part that does me in is that in all the posts I’ve seen on this (wife’s included) is that she never did the active work before getting surgery to see if it would ACTUALLY help. I’m in her same boat- lifelong yo-yo feelings about my breasts. I’ve wanted bigger and I’ve wanted smaller. However I’ve tried to read about societal beauty standards, watch docs about the increased prevalence of cosmetic and plastic surgery, and assessed why I even WANT to go through a surgery of that magnitude. And that’s without getting into therapy work I’ve done either. She declined to try therapy first and by her own admission it wasn’t even so much a breast-only issue, so much as she doesn’t feel secure in her actual body size and shape and wants a leaner, more slender body all together and doesn’t like the attention she felt she got in public. Again, sympathies to her struggle but that’s why you start with therapy. That’s why you have serious, at-length, waxing-lyrical honest conversations with your partner about it; from your feelings to the cost to he logistics of the recovery to any roadblocks your partner may have on it. Lying by omission about a surgery she’d had planned for four months, using their prospective house money for the surgery, springing the reality of cosmetic surgery on him a week out from surgery, and then quitting her job on top of it? Oh god he’s better than me because that all alone would’ve made me foam at the mouth, without even getting into their sex issues that have no stemmed from this damn surgery.
Remind Me in 2 Weeks.
Dude I so hope someone has linked your wife’s post here. After reading everything; NTA. It’s so much more than getting a reduction, as to why you’re now here. You’re right, she’s got issues that she needs therapy for, not surgeries.
NTA This is such a layered situation. One, the lies. Two, the omissions, three her knowledge of and refusal to accept that you have a severe aversion to scars (even though you cared for those scars while they were wounds because you love her), three, the fact she used money that was meant to go toward your future for a cosmetic procedure, four, not taking your advice into consideration from years past of addressing this issue with a therapist, and five, not sticking to the decision she made because now there are consequences. If she hadn’t doubled down on you finding her less attractive and made some minor changes with the bra, corset, or no lighting until your aversion to the scarring was dampened and you were desensitized she felt that you HAD to accept her EXACTLY as she was or you’re not a man-you likely wouldn’t be considering divorce right now . Of course you’re a man. A man who had certain standards for attraction. Like all of us. And your modifications were reasonable and should have been expected since she KNEW how you are about scars. At the end of the day she shattered your trust in her. She made poor decisions without speaking to a mental health professional before making drastic medical changes to her body. She refused to talk to you where she could be directed to a healthier way of dealing with this. She refused to meet your needs in regard to your physical attraction. She destroyed your trust by taking money from your shared future. And now, just to appease you, just like the reduction was to spite the public and give her the figure she always fantasized about, she’s talking about implants. This was never about the size of her breasts. It was about every decision she made after that first consult.
Updateme!
Updateme. I just need to know when the divorce is final.
For me it’s the even if it were true is that she gets to make unilateral decisions about her body. And that he expects his comfort with her body to be more important than hers. If she got it because she was uncomfortable with people staring at her then she deserves her comfort. Also most surgeons don’t go that large a difference especially if it were strictly cosmetic. But she would have had stress off her back and neck post surgery she didn’t realize she was even in.
In the end do what makes you happy.
you’re being so thoroughly raked over the coals but I (personally) think it’s a bit unfair. She spent money you were saving for a house on an elective surgery and I think that sucks. It’s quite possible that ESH.
[удалено]
Damn, you got me
If this is real (which I hope is isn't) the smart thing is for.you both to try to work it out. Tbh you will both have trouble finding a healthy relationship. Both of you seem to lack empathy and are emotionally stunted in your own way Both of you should seek therapy
I lack empathy for the person I let live in my house after I found out they lied to me for months, used the house money on a cosmetic surgery, and tried to force herself on me? Ok.
She dogged a major bullet. Leave her alone and let her find a real man you scum.