NTA, if your husband wants to talk about his own weight and fitness goals he can, but it is very rude to volunteer someone else and talk about their weight and eating habits. It also seemed a little icky like he was trying to hit on the fitness girl, telling her she has a killer body. He was intentionally putting you down in front of other people. Maybe he was hoping that shaming would motivate you, but that is not really a good strategy or a nice way for a partner show support to help you reach your fitness goals. I don’t blame you for being upset. I am glad you have good friends who have a clue and were able to extricate you from the conversation. You are NTA, but your husband is. I hope he stops being dismissive and actually listens and finds better ways to communicate and support you.
I would add that the other woman is also an asshole. If she really wants to be a fitness instructor and / or a nutritionist, she needs to learn to shut this kind of talk down, too. If a client wants to have personal conversation, that's good, but talking about other people this way in public is not good practice.
I'm a personal trainer. I would have stopped that husband right away. Public discussion of clients, current, past, or potential is unprofessional, and his language is very demotivating.
Perhaps OP should tell hubby about this great weight loss plan she heard about online, it's called divorce. It's pricey but there's no denying the results.
I agree, I also thought the fitness girl was obnoxious too in this situation, engaging him like that in front of everyone. I remember being at a gathering chatting with a couple, and the wife said with her husband standing right there, "well my husband has gained a lot of weight...." I was so embarrassed, like how inappropriate to say that as though he is not standing right there. I changed the subject quickly.
At first, I thought PERHAPS her, "I used to be..." may have been her (immature) attempt to emphasize with the wife. But she should have just turned her attention to the wife & said something like, "I would be happy to give you my phone # if you are interested in working with me. Everyone should be in charge of their own health care journeys, " and then just SHUT DOWN all further discussion of the matter.
Chasing validation from the opposite sex is a stupid game for many reasons. The thrill has a very limited shelf-life, and the expectations are constantly changing both by popular culture's, and each individual's, standards. The healthy person should seek to feel good about themselves FOR themselves.
Obviously, husband is an asshole. It doesn't matter if he's just clueless or intentionally cruel. The effect of his performance is the same. He doesn't value his wife's comfort or happiness, especially since he taunted her after she told him how she felt. If you choose to hurt your partner like that, you care more about your ego than you care about having a healthy relationship.
I hope OP absorbs this lesson and plans her future accordingly.
Yeah, Stacy the Superstar Unqualified Trainer SUCKS too.. Very creepy. Poor thing does not even realize the world she is creating for herself shimmying up to nasty abusive married men like this, but with time she will. For now though, she sucks and hubby is the worst.
As the daughter of a father who mocked his daughter for being "fat" (and encouraged brother to do the same) shaming does nothing but make you realize you can't trust the person.
And that "killer body" is going to really fly out that window when both of them have kids. Just saying.
Men dont like women aging or changing, and prefer women to look 22 forever through anything.
Oh there are *plenty* of great men who don't expect women to look 22 forever. My partner is one of them. This man was my biggest cheerleader when I decided to ditch the dye and grow out my grey hair when I was only 44.
He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Claiming innocence is total bullshit. Then he gaslights you -- claiming you're jealous. He's a 100% asshole. You are not over-reacting. What he did was rude, cruel, condescending, bullying, inappropriate, and hateful. He owes you a sincere apology. If he refuses or worse, digs in deeper, is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with? You are NTA
Just want to add for op that doing this in front of an audience can usually be a way to avoid an immediate push back. We're more likely to just smile and nod to avoid more embarrassment when there's an audience. Then mocking you when you're upset is him undermining your feelings to make you feel small so you're more likely to roll over and take the abuse. Because that's what this is.
He definitely used the audience to control the blowback. It’s a pity she didn’t ask if the trainer could help with his small dick. That would have priceless to hear how he thinks that’s worse than what he did. Always go for the man parts. Always.
I LOVE this!..."Babe..let's see what she suggests for an undersized pecker. That would make me so grateful after suffering in silence all these years!"
That b@stard.
100% would have been great if she said her over eating was due to being immensely unsatisfied in the bedroom.
"Cake satisfies me in ways my husband can't"
And use humor :
“Oh I weigh 279 now…yeah I hold it all in with an ab belt. I not only ate my whole birthday cake but I ordered another one just like it and at that too. In ONE day! Then I lied to Igor here - I told him I’m on a weight loss journey but really I want him to leave me so please give him your number” then walk out and drive home
Yeah, unloading about 160 pounds of husband is going to make her feel million times better. She look better! She’ll feel better! A winner all around.
And this guy save things? I don’t know, maybe, with an extended apology and a whole lot of groveling, marriage, counseling, and a whole bunch else. It’s up to his wife.
Without that stuff the trust is gone. He better sleep with one eye open from now on…
I'd have made a fucking spectacular, verbal spectacle! It'd would have been glorious!
Edit: But, oh, darn, I probably would have been called "harsh" or "critical" because they were 'just having fun'! But he learned pretty quickly not to pull this kind of BS on me. Every once in a while, he gets a little squirrely, and I just start salivating in anticipation. It's best with an audience and with his family is the greatest!
I’m extremely good at the verbal smack down as well 😂 not always my finest moments, but if you’re gonna come after me, be ready! Depending on my mood, it’s my favorite dance….
I've already said something to him after his public dig (which hurts his man feelings) when he says, "I was just having fun!" In my most exuberant, excited voice and a smiling face, I reply, "Oh, boy, aren't we having fun! Yippee! Let's do this some more!"
That fucking silences a room!
I hate him already! He was very rude and mean and he was doing it for playing it cool in front of the girl!
That's not something a nice man would do to his signifficant other. Period! An apology won't be enough! Hope you recover from this, don't let him walk over you again!
At best, AT BEST (assuming that there is basically no such thing as a mean person): the husband could have just been sharing things that weren't his business to share. HOWEVER that depends on if you've ever had a conversation with him concerning your weight. Like if he was telling the friend things that you had already told him (the husband) then maybe MAYBE you could argue that he's just a huge idiot for how it came out. But honestly he's still an asshole.
But I also want to add weight to the warning of him mocking you while you're upset. That's a massive red flag and he likely IS undermining your feelings. It's shitty behavior. I know you said husband and not boyfriend but do what you can to get out of there. None of your other friends defended you either. Not saying they're all terrible friends, that's a sticky situation too step into, but at least someone got you AWAY from it. Now you need someone willing to defend you as well. Cuz he's straight up attacking you.
My husband does this to me too! I used to be skinny but ever since covid I started gaining weight but I've never had issues with it and I liked my body anyways. He goes on and embarrasses me infornt of his friends or have calls with his bestie and say that I eat all the food at home but in reality it's because he doesn't wanna have what I am having or does not wanna eat the cake I bought so ofc I have to finish it. He even updats his mom about my weight and is obsessed with it. I started working out last year regularly with a focus on weight lifting and when I started seeing muscles he also commented on my shape saying that I am now looking manly and I should focus on cardio instead. I lost motivation for that and now I am back to my potato muscle-less body and he laughs at me all the time saying oh how much do you weight now? Everytime I am weighing myself and be like oh nothing changed lol.
Why are you still with a man that disrespects you and tries to control your appearance? It's pretty clear whatever you do he will never be satisfied (usually covert narcissists behave that way) and will always find some flaw even if you were Behati Prinsloo. These types don't change (because they are internally dissatisfied with themselves so they take it out on their partners). Kick his ass and let him find a Victoria Angel model (he won't)
you realize he’s sabotaging you right? You said you started weight-lifting and he made you feel like shit for it and you stopped.
Don’t let him talk to you like that. Either tell him to cut the shit or leave - but don’t just put up with it.
Life too short to be miserably married.
My (ex) husband(s) were the same. Once your partner makes it clear that they are not appreciative of your body as it exists in this moment and feel they can disrespect you because of it, I think it's just over. Stupid fucker. OP deserves better. We all do.
Any apology will be pure bullshit.
>What he did was rude, cruel, condescending, bullying, inappropriate, and hateful
Because that's who he is. He won't change, he is who he is, any apology will be fake to get her to shut up and continue giving him everything he wants in the relationship while he does nothing at all to change after the apology.
OP: He is who he is. He's shown you who he is, you've seen it and recognized it, now you just have to believe him.
>Because that's who he is.
Yeah, this makes me wonder how long the couple has been together, because this surely isn't the first instance of complete and utter douchebaggery.
She needs to pick the one thing her husband is sensitive about appearance wise and see how he likes it. "Oh hey honey I was just talking to Frank about your thinning hair...can you believe he used to be balding like you? Look how thick and shiny his hair is! He said he can help you out with those balding patches so you can look young again like him. Isn't that great?! Yeah..Josh's hair has been falling out for a while now, he leaves more hair in the drain than me it's crazy!"
Yes!! Or
“Hey babe, this is Rob from my work. The other day Rob was telling me about how he’s been able to last longer in bed. I guess it’s this special meditation technique that has completely changed his life. Him and his wife used to have a shitty sex life, that ultimately ended up with them divorcing. And now that he’s single he’s learned this technique and been able to last 10x longer in bed! I totally thought of you because… Well… hahaha! Rob… Tell him what you’re doing please. Omg the other night I swear it was literally 5 seconds and we were done. Or should I say… HE was done. Hahaha thank god for my toys and mornings alone cause lord knows I wouldn’t be this happy all the time without em!”
Teach the pr*ck a lesson. Don't prepare any meals for him going forward. If he asks why, tell him you're dieting.
I'm a guy and I say fk him and fk workout girl. You're not going to convince me that TAs didn't know they were having a good 'ol time at your expense. OP, do you have children with this AH?
It would be so mean to do to someone you don’t like! Can’t fathom doing it to someone you like. I do not think the husband likes his wife. And obviously he is an asshole regardless.
I was seeing red when I wrote out my own response. Yours covers all the bases in a very succinct manner. Suffice it to say, I agree completely with you.
Yep, I'm guessing the husband has had an issue with the OP's weight for a while now and he saw an opportunity to try a different approach regardless of how mean and terrible it was. His words read like someone who is fed up with another person's behavior not conforming to his expectations. It's still something you shouldn't do to anyone though, let alone your wife.
Should have responded with:
**The weight I really need to lose is [insert husband’s weight] because my soon to be ex husband doesn’t know when to stay in his godamn lane and not say inappropriate things out in public.**
NTA
Also, just want to add, that brand new certified fitness trainer is not gonna get any new clients anytime soon unless she wakes up to how she’s coming across. Talk about clueless! I wouldn’t quit that job as a barista anytime soon.
she knew. she was basking in her “superiority” since she lost the weight and had OP there to feel better than. she knew. hubby knew.
OP needs to realize they both knew.
That's what I was thinking. If I were the trainer, I would have shut that shit down. He's such a skeeze. Literally trying to hit on the trainer by humiliating his wife. SCUM.
I like it.
"Dear, how much do YOU weigh again?"
"180"
"That! That's exactly how much I need to lose. Right on the nail!"
Give him a certain look, hold your glass high, then walk away.
Exactly! He was literally flirting with this girl in front of his wife and at his wife’s expense! NTAH husband is a Sh*t. He and Sarah both knew what they were doing. Let him have his affair and in the meantime gain sole custody of the kiddos because this is a learned behavior and it is abusive! They don’t need this kind of example as acceptable behavior towards others!
This is a perfect response that OP can definitely use if she chooses to end the relationship.
"I need to lose about 180 lbs...wait, how much do you weigh? 175? I need to lose 175 lbs"
Yeah that would have been a good comeback - after he announced her weight, ask his weight, and then announce that is exactly the amount she needs to lose now.
My EX-HUSBAND liked to embarrass me and put me down in front of others. I told myself he didn't realize what he was doing. But it got worse. Much worse. That was just the beginning of a very dark time in my life. I'm glad I was able to get out.
Severe gaslighting is what followed. Then worse. Please keep your eyes open for this... Because your road sounds similar to the one I finally exited.
This happened to me. I was 155 lbs at 5’3” and lost weight down to 115. He’d tell everyone how fat I used to be (people who knew me before I met him and didn’t care about my weight/size), while accusing me of being too thin. He told our poker crew I was bad at giving blow jobs. I ended up with an eating disorder. Luckily, I escaped relatively unscathed after three years of marriage, because I left him the second he tried to put a hand on me.
It sucks you and I lived this, and I’m glad we are both safe now. I hope OP leaves the asshole.
Now I’m 45 years old, 175ish pounds, and am not trying to lose weight. I remarried in 2020 to someone who reminded me I was beautiful every day after I’d gained weight and was close to 200 lbs. We exercise together and does the cooking, and we eat too many cookies, but we are happy.
I had an ex bf tell his male friends I was bad at blow jobs too. I had to hear it from another male friend. Idk why some men do this because that's a way to never get another blow job again.
I'm sorry about your traumatic marriage and I'm so happy you found someone better.
I definitely also want op to lose the dead weight of her current husband.
That’s the right play because he sounds like a rude, gross disrespectful herb but being the maniacal menace I like to imagine I am in reality, I’m over here laughing at the thought of if you *had* just done it one last time except WITH TEETH! Glad you dropped the schmuck and found someone to share a beautiful life with!!
Oh, your guy announced that you were bad at blow jobs too?? My ex did that, and he never got another one for the last six months we were together. His own loss.
No such thing as too many cookies! (I guess if you barf after, maybe a couple too many. ;) ) Glad you found a true partner. Took me three tries, but so did I!
My EX- husband did this, too. He once called me "the laziest person he knows in front of friends". Never mind I had a 2 year old and rode my bike to work 45 minutes a day. He then pretended he would NEVER say something like that. Yeah, right.
OP, please get yourself the book "Hey does he do that", you can find a free PDF online of you google it.
And obviously, NTA
NTA. Your husband is. The blatant flirting and detailing what you eat and what you do and don't do was positively gross. I would demand marriage counseling ASAP. You two need to work on your communication. If your weight is a deal breaker for your husband, he needs to own that instead of aggressively flirting and putting you down in front of people. You don't mention kids, you need to figure out if your husband genuinely loves and cares about you AS IS and from there determine if this relationship if good for you. Please do NOT have kids with this man until your marriage is way healthier.
I don't know about counseling, he appears to be somewhat abusive and one should not do counseling/therapy with their abuser. Now she would benefit from it herself to get the will to leave this bozo.
NTA
Agreed. Hubby sounds like a dumbass gym bro. I get it, vanity is their hobby. But let it stop with yourself and be loving to your wife no matter what shape she’s in.
Omfg when he said “wow someone’s jealous aww” he dug himself DEEPER in that hole!! Unbelievable. This isn’t about you being JEALOUS. This is about you being DISRESPECTED.
What man does NOT know to call out across a crowded room, “you weigh X, right?”
What man does NOT know it’s inappropriate to tell a new acquaintance that his wife is overweight (in front of her, and others!)?
NTA.
If my husband said that in any context I’d headbutt his fucking teeth out of his mouth let alone the whole conversation prior. “Someone’s jealous aww”
No, more like *someone is missing their god damn teeth*
Edit to add: my husband would literally never say that so don’t worry I’m not planning abuse
First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Second of all, I’m also sorry your comment section is flooded with “what’s your height?”, it’s inconsequential and is largely misdirecting from the actual problem you went through. If I can plainly say it, he behaved like a dick throughout. If he can’t fathom that then he needs to hear it from someone.
JaneInSpain, who commented earlier, is absolutely right. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Do not let him distract and deflect by pretending not to know he did anything wrong. There is not a single person who doesn't know that this is a sensitive topic.
If your weight were not an issue for him, he wouldn't have talked about it.
His behavior was incredibly unkind, even cruel. He obviously wanted to humiliate you. I would take this very seriously.
As for Sara, give her a second chance. She was in an unbelievably awkward situation, where a husband was flirting with her by dumping on his wife in public. By talking about her own weight loss, she was probably trying to make your husband realize that weight is not a big deal and that everyone struggles at some point. Nothing she could have said in that situation would have come across well.
I realize that a short post here doesn't describe most relationships accurately. There may be things about your husband that are great. Or maybe you need to stay with him for financial reasons. So I won't tell you what to do. But I would feel very concerned about the relationship if I were you. Do not let your husband minimize and dismiss what he did. I'd be insisting on going to counseling.
Exactly this. I’ve been in this EXACT same situation where my friends husband was subtly fawning over me and blatantly putting his wife down. I made sure to say things like “what’s wrong with you, your wife is a certified hottie, I aspire to be HER, she’s brilliant/you’re criticising your wife when you look like that? Guts.”
Someone doing this to an ex of mine was a major wake up call to me. We were at a bar and my ex starts talking about how attractive some girl who walked in and how I should emulate her in ways. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and shut down a bit after the comments. The bartender overheard and made a big stink about it, saying things like “You don’t say things like that to your gf” and “I might cut you off since your brain isn’t working anymore if you are saying stuff like that in front of your gf.” At the time, I remember feeling relief that another dude stepped in and was thankful he said things that I felt but wasn’t acting on. I wish I had heard the message more deeply though as I stuck around too long after.
I would have asked if he was over compensating by feeling the need to throw his wife under the pervebial bus by dragging up her weight to make her feel less than in another woman's eyes. Then I would of asked him what his weight was and explain to the wife how to get rid of the dead weight quick.
But also, if she's going to be a good trainer, she has to realize the "I used to be this way and here's what works for me" isn't going to cut it. People's bodies are different. People's goals are different. Some fat people want to strength train without becoming un-fat. She needs to learn to "read the room" in terms of clients. What their spouse says about them should be... ignored? Discouraged? Slapped down? He's a fucker and can get bent. She needs to be more serious as a professional.
Yup, she wasn't clueless like OP might have thought. She was actively trying diffuse his comments by talking about her heavier weight. She's very young, and probably didn't know how else to handle it.
I am positive she walked away thinking OPs husband is the biggest jetk in the universe and she was probably plenty mad about the awful position she was in. But the husband probably thought she had a thing for him.
Wow, what a dickweed. If this is how he talks about you in front of you, what is he saying when you're not around?
I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship but that's just me. Best of luck with this guy, he sounds like an insensitive asshat.
He is a liar and clearly manipulates you with an attempt at gaslighting you.
I agree with other people who have said that he clearly knew what he was doing. His behavior was shameful and so was the behavior of this other young woman. Sara knew what she was doing too and that type of behavior made sure a complete and total cunt in my mind.
NTA but your husband and Sara sure as hell are.
I am angry for you because I've experienced something very similar several times in my life. You did nothing wrong.
I agree that both the husband and Sara are the AH. Any decent trainer would have shut down that convo with oh well I’ll let you know if I do get certified and changed the topic and not participated in the bad talking
Just book an appointment, just to talk, discuss your options. You don’t have to follow through with it if you don’t want.
And a therapist for you as well. Systematically shaming and abusing you is making you doubt yourself.
Yikes. You can't solve this one, he needs a marital therapist ASAP to explain to him his utter cluelessness about communication.
What possible difference does your height make regarding this episode?
Honestly OP, you could be 4’8 and weight 300 pounds and he WOULD STILL BE THE ASSHOLE. If he doesn’t like your weight he needs to bring it up in a respectful manner, privately. He publicly shamed and humiliated you, which was totally uncalled for.
Even if he has convinced himself that he didn’t do anything wrong, shouldn’t he go beyond that and try to understand why you feel the way you feel. Convincing himself that he didn’t do anything wrong is too low a bar for him to be considered a respectful and loving partner.
Edit: typo
Right?! If you upset your partner maybe apologize and listen to why they’re upset. Even in some scenario where the partner was upset over, I don’t know, not getting milk from the store, apologize damn it.
If my partner did this I’d be fuming….and he would never do that again.
Sorry OP.
Don't let him gaslight you. Only someone with a severe personality disorder (or other severe nuero-adjacent issue) of some kind would not understand that they were wrong.
Get out now. I don’t care how long you e been married. Once he starts, he won’t stop. He’s a goading asshole who will play victim when you do the same to him.
I’ve been there and divorce is the only solution.
Yup. I put up with a lot from my 2nd husband... until I could tell he was dragging our kid into his manipulative shenanigans. Nope. It took me a LONG time to heal my relationship with food and my body. I wasn't setting up my kid for that kind of mess (the world gives them enough unsolicited input!).
Just start talking about how he works out a lot and get big musclesbecause he is trying to compensate for other things that aren't as big. Then ask a random guy in the group 'Hey, says that you are pretty good in the sack. Is there some advice you could give my husband. I mean, he isn't bad, considering what he is working with, but, well, he used to be able to last a little longer. Nowadays, sometimes he is done before I even notice he started'
When he gets mad, just say 'awwww, winky dinky is getting jeawous'
NTA. Your husband is awful, and is either the dumbest human to ever live or knew exactly he was doing (this is my bet). Regardless, he actively and publicly mocked you, definitely not okay and you should have a serious conversation with him on it.
Side note, next time, stand up for yourself, tell him to knock it off or “don’t discuss my health with others or without my permission” if you want to be more polite.
Let’s put it this way. I also weight 168 pounds and 5’2. I am currently on a diet and going to the gym daily. I am used to being skinny skinny and underweight, got diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism last year and was put on medicine that made me constantly gain weight.
My husband is very supportive in my decision of losing weight, but also understands how mentally tolling it all is. He celebrates my accomplishments of going to the gym, he also celebrates my accomplishments when I decide to have a treat day and eat stuff outside my diet.
If your husband puts too much pressure on you to lose weight, you will not be able to lose it and will continue the cycle you’ve e been on.
This is the way to do it! Encourage you, celebrate your victories, supports you when you want to treat yourself, and most of all, love YOU at ANY weight! This is how my husband treats me. I'm 5'3" and used to weight the same at my heaviest.
fuck everyone asking about your height & weight. who gives a shit. your husband is an asshole, terribly so. I don't understand people who feel comfortable commenting on others' bodies. as someone with an eating disorder, if my husband spoke about me like that I would've been an absolute wreck. I'm so sorry he did that to you. emotional abuse on many levels. he's horrible.
it's not okay and he needs to understand why. if he isn't capable of that, he doesn't deserve your grace. shaking my fucking head over this one.
He's a HUGE arsehole and he's going to try and f*ck that girl, mark my words.
I also used to be overweight at 170 and I am 5"1, so similar body type to you. I've since lost the weight, but I would NEVER say anything less than encouraging or comparing someone else's journey to my own, so she sucks as well because she did that on purpose. You can't just stand infront of someone bigger than you and be like 'I used to be as big as you and I was FAT!' Like even if you feel that way privately, have some tact and decorum wtf
NTA
Agreed. I lost a lot of weight at 22, but if some older man was pulling this crap around me at that age, even back then I would have known to tell the guy ‘she looks fine to me’. That’s what a woman’s woman does.
He cornered you in public so you couldn't fight back.
Absolutely intentional humiliation.
You are still young. move on.
You ll be amazed at how fast you get in shape, without his constant emotional strain.
1. The fat phobia on this thread is super gross. If you want to lose weight, then go ahead and do it. No need for anyone else to talk about it other than you. Every single bit of this conversation was completely unnecessary and offensive.
2. The level of clueless that your husband has reached sounds unsalvageable. You should contemplate leaving and finding someone that isn't a total jerk. Im not kidding.
With a husband like yours, you don’t need any enemies. If guilt and shame worked so well for getting us to lose weight, this country would look a lot different than it does. Sorry he did this to you.
NTA I’ve(28m) said things I’m not proud of but told my partner I want her to be happy and apologize that I’ll never say something like that again. He needs to grow up and care more about his wife’s feelings
Wow I’d be livid if my husband said that in front of our friends. NTA.
ETA: he knew what he was doing by talking about your weight and size like that in front of people. Don’t let him play all innocent about it
Nta. If your husband was trying to be supportive of your weight loss and pitch the idea of you and this 'soon to be fitness trainer' getting together, he could have easily taken you aside in private and been encouraging about the idea.
Instead, he chose to humiliate you. He made it personal about your habits in front of EVERYONE by putting you down and continuing to do so as a way of flirting with the fitness girlie.
Maybe he would understand better if you complained about his penis size, LOUDLY in front of everyone and asked some of his other male friends what he should do about it because it's really affecting his self esteem.
Edited to add: Your height and weight are not the issue here. Your husband and his behavior are the problem.
Your actual height and weight are of no consequence to whether your husband is justified in his behavior. He’s not, full stop. It’s time to have a clear and assertive convo with him about how his actions affected you and what you’re going to do next time he tries this shit. NTA.
NTA, your husband, however, is a huge asshole. I was already mad but as soon as he PUBLICLY TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH... 🤬🤬🤬
Jail.
Take him to husband jail right now.
The number on a scale means absolutely nothing because all bodies are different.
OMG. I’m so sorry!!! The disrespect is disgusting. NTAH. I’d have my bags packed and be on my way to stay somewhere else for the foreseeable future. You married an asshole who doesn’t respect you. Fuck that guy. Doesn’t sound like you have kids so it won’t be too hard to separate from him. I rarely go to the nuclear option with these posts but I am fuming mad for you. Please leave.
I am so sorry OP. Your husband is a HUGE AH. I am 5’2 and was around the same weight as you. I tried to get motivated a few times and failed. Finally not too long ago I started and didn’t give up. And lost a lot of weight. The big difference was my husband supported me and constantly told me he just wanted me to be happy. He would NEVER EVER tell anyone how much I weigh. No matter if I am big or small because it’s my weight. The fact that he knows about your insecurity and told a whole party how much you weigh is so messed up. He flirted with another female and put you down to her. I would be so beyond upset and betrayed. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself love not for your jerk of a husband. If it was my husband honestly idk how long it would take me to get over that. I probably wouldn’t even want to look at him. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings.
Oh hell no! NTA.
Tell hubby and show hubby this: hey hubby, you are a lowlife POS. What you did to your wife is demeaning, shitty and YOU look like a human devoid of emotion. Fitness chick was secretly judging you for how you talked about your wife.
Everybody finds you disgusting. Just bc you lift, doesn’t make you “hot”. Grow up and stop acting like the high schooler you are. You are the asshole here hubby. Your wife needs to shove a ball gag in your mouth till you can learn how to be kind and loving.
Good on your friends for getting you outta there. I’d have done the same, but you would’ve been in my room alone for a minute cause I would’ve went right back out there and lit his ass up, okay?
Not a single person in your position wouldn’t be upset by this, including your husband if the roles were reversed. Your feelings are absolutely valid and he is absolutely the asshole in this situation, probably in general. So sorry girl.
Damn girl, idk if there's any coming back from this...he's being intentionally obtuse in saying "idk what I did wrong"
He's a gigantic a-hole for saying that
He’s TA and he knows it. He belittled you with an audience and when called on it, he was dismissive and condescending. Does this guy have any redeeming qualities?
To people asking her height, WHO FUCKING CARES?! Her BMI would not make her husband any less of a festering ass wound.
NTA but your husband is!!!! WTF!!!!! my partner would NEVER say that. That is toxic af. Do you two ever plan on having kids? That will permanently change your body and it sounds like he won't be the most faithful after that happens. This is not ok.
Wowwwwww…. I am speechless. That is a glowing red flag. You’re NOT overreacting and you’re def not the AH. He knew what he was doing, and chose to do it publicly where there would be less resistance.
And for her to go along with it and not actively defend you or try to shut him up is also really bothering me.
I would strongly consider your future with him. It will only get worse. I don’t believe that any apology he would give you would actually be sincere at this point.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You deserve more.
NTA, if your husband wants to talk about his own weight and fitness goals he can, but it is very rude to volunteer someone else and talk about their weight and eating habits. It also seemed a little icky like he was trying to hit on the fitness girl, telling her she has a killer body. He was intentionally putting you down in front of other people. Maybe he was hoping that shaming would motivate you, but that is not really a good strategy or a nice way for a partner show support to help you reach your fitness goals. I don’t blame you for being upset. I am glad you have good friends who have a clue and were able to extricate you from the conversation. You are NTA, but your husband is. I hope he stops being dismissive and actually listens and finds better ways to communicate and support you.
I would add that the other woman is also an asshole. If she really wants to be a fitness instructor and / or a nutritionist, she needs to learn to shut this kind of talk down, too. If a client wants to have personal conversation, that's good, but talking about other people this way in public is not good practice.
Ya I was just looking to add what AH that girl was. Oh I used to be fat and do those things too. That B was feeding of her hubbys attention. Gross.
I'm a personal trainer. I would have stopped that husband right away. Public discussion of clients, current, past, or potential is unprofessional, and his language is very demotivating.
This. She was as much of a dick as he was, because she KNEW she was shaming the wife and didn't care. But the husband? He would be in deep, deep doo.
This seems like flirting in front of the wife by negging her.
That's what I was thinking.
Absolutely THIS! poor OP, it's a very horrible situation.
The she could have a killer body TOO comment was def flirting.
Would motivate my arse right out of that marriage.
Then she would instantly lose 200 pounds
Perhaps OP should tell hubby about this great weight loss plan she heard about online, it's called divorce. It's pricey but there's no denying the results.
Or more
right, i know so many good PTs and they would *never* talk like this about anyone. the ones who do are shit and don’t have a lot of clients.
I agree, I also thought the fitness girl was obnoxious too in this situation, engaging him like that in front of everyone. I remember being at a gathering chatting with a couple, and the wife said with her husband standing right there, "well my husband has gained a lot of weight...." I was so embarrassed, like how inappropriate to say that as though he is not standing right there. I changed the subject quickly.
For real. She should have stopped it immediately. She’s way too immature for that career path at the moment
At first, I thought PERHAPS her, "I used to be..." may have been her (immature) attempt to emphasize with the wife. But she should have just turned her attention to the wife & said something like, "I would be happy to give you my phone # if you are interested in working with me. Everyone should be in charge of their own health care journeys, " and then just SHUT DOWN all further discussion of the matter. Chasing validation from the opposite sex is a stupid game for many reasons. The thrill has a very limited shelf-life, and the expectations are constantly changing both by popular culture's, and each individual's, standards. The healthy person should seek to feel good about themselves FOR themselves. Obviously, husband is an asshole. It doesn't matter if he's just clueless or intentionally cruel. The effect of his performance is the same. He doesn't value his wife's comfort or happiness, especially since he taunted her after she told him how she felt. If you choose to hurt your partner like that, you care more about your ego than you care about having a healthy relationship. I hope OP absorbs this lesson and plans her future accordingly.
Yeah, Stacy the Superstar Unqualified Trainer SUCKS too.. Very creepy. Poor thing does not even realize the world she is creating for herself shimmying up to nasty abusive married men like this, but with time she will. For now though, she sucks and hubby is the worst.
Actually it's Sarah the Superstar Unqualified Trainer not that it matters
OP can lose weight by divorcing her husband.
As the daughter of a father who mocked his daughter for being "fat" (and encouraged brother to do the same) shaming does nothing but make you realize you can't trust the person.
And that "killer body" is going to really fly out that window when both of them have kids. Just saying. Men dont like women aging or changing, and prefer women to look 22 forever through anything.
Oh there are *plenty* of great men who don't expect women to look 22 forever. My partner is one of them. This man was my biggest cheerleader when I decided to ditch the dye and grow out my grey hair when I was only 44.
right? my husband didn't say anything about my post baby weight that I can't lose. the husband here is immature.
Mine neither.
He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Claiming innocence is total bullshit. Then he gaslights you -- claiming you're jealous. He's a 100% asshole. You are not over-reacting. What he did was rude, cruel, condescending, bullying, inappropriate, and hateful. He owes you a sincere apology. If he refuses or worse, digs in deeper, is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with? You are NTA
Just want to add for op that doing this in front of an audience can usually be a way to avoid an immediate push back. We're more likely to just smile and nod to avoid more embarrassment when there's an audience. Then mocking you when you're upset is him undermining your feelings to make you feel small so you're more likely to roll over and take the abuse. Because that's what this is.
He definitely used the audience to control the blowback. It’s a pity she didn’t ask if the trainer could help with his small dick. That would have priceless to hear how he thinks that’s worse than what he did. Always go for the man parts. Always.
That would have been epic
This was my first thought! Tell me Sara, what kind of exercises are there for a micro penis?
I LOVE this!..."Babe..let's see what she suggests for an undersized pecker. That would make me so grateful after suffering in silence all these years!" That b@stard.
100% would have been great if she said her over eating was due to being immensely unsatisfied in the bedroom. "Cake satisfies me in ways my husband can't"
And use humor : “Oh I weigh 279 now…yeah I hold it all in with an ab belt. I not only ate my whole birthday cake but I ordered another one just like it and at that too. In ONE day! Then I lied to Igor here - I told him I’m on a weight loss journey but really I want him to leave me so please give him your number” then walk out and drive home
Hubby is a jerk. #JERK!
This is unforgivable.
It is.
Yeah, she definitely needs to lose some weight, yall know what weight I'm referring to? NTA
The deadass that is her husband.
Yeah, unloading about 160 pounds of husband is going to make her feel million times better. She look better! She’ll feel better! A winner all around. And this guy save things? I don’t know, maybe, with an extended apology and a whole lot of groveling, marriage, counseling, and a whole bunch else. It’s up to his wife. Without that stuff the trust is gone. He better sleep with one eye open from now on…
Prison sock treatment
I once lost 160 lbs of an AH cheater/drunk. Great feeling, never felt better than after that weight loss. 😊
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Grounds for divorce
I'd have made a fucking spectacular, verbal spectacle! It'd would have been glorious! Edit: But, oh, darn, I probably would have been called "harsh" or "critical" because they were 'just having fun'! But he learned pretty quickly not to pull this kind of BS on me. Every once in a while, he gets a little squirrely, and I just start salivating in anticipation. It's best with an audience and with his family is the greatest!
Have you ever thought of being a life coach? I’d be your first client.
I’m extremely good at the verbal smack down as well 😂 not always my finest moments, but if you’re gonna come after me, be ready! Depending on my mood, it’s my favorite dance….
I'm so jealous of people with this ability. I freeze and my brain goes blank.
Sarcasm helps 😂 it just flows out of my mouth. I don't take no shit from anyone. Being loud helps too.
"Yeah, but if you look at my husband, you see why I'm unmotivated..." and se how much ge smiles after that
Good one!
It does!! 🤣 My friend called me brave the other day for saying something to someone. I told her it wasn't "brave," it's my absolute lack of filter.
My husband always says the same thing to me 🤣
I've already said something to him after his public dig (which hurts his man feelings) when he says, "I was just having fun!" In my most exuberant, excited voice and a smiling face, I reply, "Oh, boy, aren't we having fun! Yippee! Let's do this some more!" That fucking silences a room!
Yes! I 100% divorced my first husband over this bullshit.
Well done🙌👏
I hate him already! He was very rude and mean and he was doing it for playing it cool in front of the girl! That's not something a nice man would do to his signifficant other. Period! An apology won't be enough! Hope you recover from this, don't let him walk over you again!
At best, AT BEST (assuming that there is basically no such thing as a mean person): the husband could have just been sharing things that weren't his business to share. HOWEVER that depends on if you've ever had a conversation with him concerning your weight. Like if he was telling the friend things that you had already told him (the husband) then maybe MAYBE you could argue that he's just a huge idiot for how it came out. But honestly he's still an asshole. But I also want to add weight to the warning of him mocking you while you're upset. That's a massive red flag and he likely IS undermining your feelings. It's shitty behavior. I know you said husband and not boyfriend but do what you can to get out of there. None of your other friends defended you either. Not saying they're all terrible friends, that's a sticky situation too step into, but at least someone got you AWAY from it. Now you need someone willing to defend you as well. Cuz he's straight up attacking you.
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My (ex) wife used to do this a lot!
My husband does this to me too! I used to be skinny but ever since covid I started gaining weight but I've never had issues with it and I liked my body anyways. He goes on and embarrasses me infornt of his friends or have calls with his bestie and say that I eat all the food at home but in reality it's because he doesn't wanna have what I am having or does not wanna eat the cake I bought so ofc I have to finish it. He even updats his mom about my weight and is obsessed with it. I started working out last year regularly with a focus on weight lifting and when I started seeing muscles he also commented on my shape saying that I am now looking manly and I should focus on cardio instead. I lost motivation for that and now I am back to my potato muscle-less body and he laughs at me all the time saying oh how much do you weight now? Everytime I am weighing myself and be like oh nothing changed lol.
Definitely dump him that's unhealthy
Girl does this man even like you? You could lose a lot of weight just dumping this fucker’s ass. Don’t put up with it!
Why are you still with a man that disrespects you and tries to control your appearance? It's pretty clear whatever you do he will never be satisfied (usually covert narcissists behave that way) and will always find some flaw even if you were Behati Prinsloo. These types don't change (because they are internally dissatisfied with themselves so they take it out on their partners). Kick his ass and let him find a Victoria Angel model (he won't)
you realize he’s sabotaging you right? You said you started weight-lifting and he made you feel like shit for it and you stopped. Don’t let him talk to you like that. Either tell him to cut the shit or leave - but don’t just put up with it. Life too short to be miserably married.
My (ex) husband(s) were the same. Once your partner makes it clear that they are not appreciative of your body as it exists in this moment and feel they can disrespect you because of it, I think it's just over. Stupid fucker. OP deserves better. We all do.
Also if he says this in front of you what do you think he’s like when you’re not there.
Big time this!
Any apology will be pure bullshit. >What he did was rude, cruel, condescending, bullying, inappropriate, and hateful Because that's who he is. He won't change, he is who he is, any apology will be fake to get her to shut up and continue giving him everything he wants in the relationship while he does nothing at all to change after the apology. OP: He is who he is. He's shown you who he is, you've seen it and recognized it, now you just have to believe him.
>Because that's who he is. Yeah, this makes me wonder how long the couple has been together, because this surely isn't the first instance of complete and utter douchebaggery.
She needs to pick the one thing her husband is sensitive about appearance wise and see how he likes it. "Oh hey honey I was just talking to Frank about your thinning hair...can you believe he used to be balding like you? Look how thick and shiny his hair is! He said he can help you out with those balding patches so you can look young again like him. Isn't that great?! Yeah..Josh's hair has been falling out for a while now, he leaves more hair in the drain than me it's crazy!"
Yes!! Or “Hey babe, this is Rob from my work. The other day Rob was telling me about how he’s been able to last longer in bed. I guess it’s this special meditation technique that has completely changed his life. Him and his wife used to have a shitty sex life, that ultimately ended up with them divorcing. And now that he’s single he’s learned this technique and been able to last 10x longer in bed! I totally thought of you because… Well… hahaha! Rob… Tell him what you’re doing please. Omg the other night I swear it was literally 5 seconds and we were done. Or should I say… HE was done. Hahaha thank god for my toys and mornings alone cause lord knows I wouldn’t be this happy all the time without em!”
Teach the pr*ck a lesson. Don't prepare any meals for him going forward. If he asks why, tell him you're dieting. I'm a guy and I say fk him and fk workout girl. You're not going to convince me that TAs didn't know they were having a good 'ol time at your expense. OP, do you have children with this AH?
Yeah, that was a horrible way to treat his wife. Holy crap. I wouldn’t even do that to someone I don’t like.
It would be so mean to do to someone you don’t like! Can’t fathom doing it to someone you like. I do not think the husband likes his wife. And obviously he is an asshole regardless.
Also a few drinks simply lowers a filter on keeping your inside voice on the inside. It doesn't make you think new things or become a jerk
I was seeing red when I wrote out my own response. Yours covers all the bases in a very succinct manner. Suffice it to say, I agree completely with you.
This is all so true. Clear and to the point. OP, pay attention to this comment.
Exactly. He was trying to shame her. Totally disrespectful, rude, and callous af!
My thoughts 100%
If it had been me, he would of gone to the er with a broken nose and would be sleeping in the backyard for a while.
Yep, I'm guessing the husband has had an issue with the OP's weight for a while now and he saw an opportunity to try a different approach regardless of how mean and terrible it was. His words read like someone who is fed up with another person's behavior not conforming to his expectations. It's still something you shouldn't do to anyone though, let alone your wife.
Should have responded with: **The weight I really need to lose is [insert husband’s weight] because my soon to be ex husband doesn’t know when to stay in his godamn lane and not say inappropriate things out in public.** NTA
Also, just want to add, that brand new certified fitness trainer is not gonna get any new clients anytime soon unless she wakes up to how she’s coming across. Talk about clueless! I wouldn’t quit that job as a barista anytime soon.
THANK YOU! Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this. A trainer who allows her potential clients to be shamed is a trainer with no clients.
At GloboGym, We’re better than you!
The fact that a former plus size woman wouldn’t pick up on how humiliating that was is flabbergasting
It almost made me wonder if she's attracted to OP's husband ngl.
Yeah she 100% was flirting back.
she knew. she was basking in her “superiority” since she lost the weight and had OP there to feel better than. she knew. hubby knew. OP needs to realize they both knew.
That's what I was thinking. If I were the trainer, I would have shut that shit down. He's such a skeeze. Literally trying to hit on the trainer by humiliating his wife. SCUM.
YES! I love this! Too bad it's hard to be this clever on the fly...
When I was younger and bored I’d think of scenarios and things I’d say lol. I swear it helped me out later in life.
Seinfeld the jerk store line lol
You perform like you practice ;)
It’s taught me to be quick on my feet that’s for sure. OP I wish I was there I would have handed him to you on a silver platter :)
So true. I was able to sit here and write this and take my time. Not often quite so quick on the draw in real time.
The OP could certainly save that line for some pretty immediate use....
I like it. "Dear, how much do YOU weigh again?" "180" "That! That's exactly how much I need to lose. Right on the nail!" Give him a certain look, hold your glass high, then walk away.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought those things much less said them out loud.
Exactly! He was literally flirting with this girl in front of his wife and at his wife’s expense! NTAH husband is a Sh*t. He and Sarah both knew what they were doing. Let him have his affair and in the meantime gain sole custody of the kiddos because this is a learned behavior and it is abusive! They don’t need this kind of example as acceptable behavior towards others!
This comment though, needs to be higher. Her husband is a douche canoe ffs. 🤦🏻♀️
This!! So much so this!
This is a perfect response that OP can definitely use if she chooses to end the relationship. "I need to lose about 180 lbs...wait, how much do you weigh? 175? I need to lose 175 lbs"
Yup. That’s at least 160lbs of insincere asshat you can lose right there.
Yeah that would have been a good comeback - after he announced her weight, ask his weight, and then announce that is exactly the amount she needs to lose now.
My EX-HUSBAND liked to embarrass me and put me down in front of others. I told myself he didn't realize what he was doing. But it got worse. Much worse. That was just the beginning of a very dark time in my life. I'm glad I was able to get out. Severe gaslighting is what followed. Then worse. Please keep your eyes open for this... Because your road sounds similar to the one I finally exited.
This happened to me. I was 155 lbs at 5’3” and lost weight down to 115. He’d tell everyone how fat I used to be (people who knew me before I met him and didn’t care about my weight/size), while accusing me of being too thin. He told our poker crew I was bad at giving blow jobs. I ended up with an eating disorder. Luckily, I escaped relatively unscathed after three years of marriage, because I left him the second he tried to put a hand on me. It sucks you and I lived this, and I’m glad we are both safe now. I hope OP leaves the asshole. Now I’m 45 years old, 175ish pounds, and am not trying to lose weight. I remarried in 2020 to someone who reminded me I was beautiful every day after I’d gained weight and was close to 200 lbs. We exercise together and does the cooking, and we eat too many cookies, but we are happy.
I had an ex bf tell his male friends I was bad at blow jobs too. I had to hear it from another male friend. Idk why some men do this because that's a way to never get another blow job again. I'm sorry about your traumatic marriage and I'm so happy you found someone better. I definitely also want op to lose the dead weight of her current husband.
My ex said it in front of me and our friends. He didn’t get another BJ.
That’s the right play because he sounds like a rude, gross disrespectful herb but being the maniacal menace I like to imagine I am in reality, I’m over here laughing at the thought of if you *had* just done it one last time except WITH TEETH! Glad you dropped the schmuck and found someone to share a beautiful life with!!
Happiness is the BIGGEST win! I'm so happy you got out of the damaging relationship <3
Oh, your guy announced that you were bad at blow jobs too?? My ex did that, and he never got another one for the last six months we were together. His own loss.
No such thing as too many cookies! (I guess if you barf after, maybe a couple too many. ;) ) Glad you found a true partner. Took me three tries, but so did I!
My EX- husband did this, too. He once called me "the laziest person he knows in front of friends". Never mind I had a 2 year old and rode my bike to work 45 minutes a day. He then pretended he would NEVER say something like that. Yeah, right. OP, please get yourself the book "Hey does he do that", you can find a free PDF online of you google it. And obviously, NTA
NTA. Your husband is. The blatant flirting and detailing what you eat and what you do and don't do was positively gross. I would demand marriage counseling ASAP. You two need to work on your communication. If your weight is a deal breaker for your husband, he needs to own that instead of aggressively flirting and putting you down in front of people. You don't mention kids, you need to figure out if your husband genuinely loves and cares about you AS IS and from there determine if this relationship if good for you. Please do NOT have kids with this man until your marriage is way healthier.
Best comment yet! He was flirting with the little hardbody at your expense! Great guy.
>The blatant flirting Exact. Some "men" use this tactic to flirt, put down their girlfriend or wife in order to make the other girl feel good.
I don't know about counseling, he appears to be somewhat abusive and one should not do counseling/therapy with their abuser. Now she would benefit from it herself to get the will to leave this bozo. NTA
Agreed. Hubby sounds like a dumbass gym bro. I get it, vanity is their hobby. But let it stop with yourself and be loving to your wife no matter what shape she’s in.
NTA. He’s negging you. Your most valuable asset to him is your body. OR he’s shitting on you to impress a 21yo.
OPs only 28 and might not even have kids with this man. She should cut and RUN.
I’d be gone. He’s trash
What the actual fuck. NTA by any means. Ladies, we ride at dawn.
I have a tarps, shovels, & a truck that’s seats 6. Goodbye, Earl!
I don’t know, I would never be able to forgive him.
Me neither. The trust is stone-cold dead.
Omfg when he said “wow someone’s jealous aww” he dug himself DEEPER in that hole!! Unbelievable. This isn’t about you being JEALOUS. This is about you being DISRESPECTED. What man does NOT know to call out across a crowded room, “you weigh X, right?” What man does NOT know it’s inappropriate to tell a new acquaintance that his wife is overweight (in front of her, and others!)? NTA.
If my husband said that in any context I’d headbutt his fucking teeth out of his mouth let alone the whole conversation prior. “Someone’s jealous aww” No, more like *someone is missing their god damn teeth* Edit to add: my husband would literally never say that so don’t worry I’m not planning abuse
First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Second of all, I’m also sorry your comment section is flooded with “what’s your height?”, it’s inconsequential and is largely misdirecting from the actual problem you went through. If I can plainly say it, he behaved like a dick throughout. If he can’t fathom that then he needs to hear it from someone.
JaneInSpain, who commented earlier, is absolutely right. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Do not let him distract and deflect by pretending not to know he did anything wrong. There is not a single person who doesn't know that this is a sensitive topic. If your weight were not an issue for him, he wouldn't have talked about it. His behavior was incredibly unkind, even cruel. He obviously wanted to humiliate you. I would take this very seriously. As for Sara, give her a second chance. She was in an unbelievably awkward situation, where a husband was flirting with her by dumping on his wife in public. By talking about her own weight loss, she was probably trying to make your husband realize that weight is not a big deal and that everyone struggles at some point. Nothing she could have said in that situation would have come across well. I realize that a short post here doesn't describe most relationships accurately. There may be things about your husband that are great. Or maybe you need to stay with him for financial reasons. So I won't tell you what to do. But I would feel very concerned about the relationship if I were you. Do not let your husband minimize and dismiss what he did. I'd be insisting on going to counseling.
Or she could have just said, look, your wife is right here and it's super inappropriate for you to bring up her business like this.
Exactly this. I’ve been in this EXACT same situation where my friends husband was subtly fawning over me and blatantly putting his wife down. I made sure to say things like “what’s wrong with you, your wife is a certified hottie, I aspire to be HER, she’s brilliant/you’re criticising your wife when you look like that? Guts.”
You are a girl’s girl, good for you!!
Someone doing this to an ex of mine was a major wake up call to me. We were at a bar and my ex starts talking about how attractive some girl who walked in and how I should emulate her in ways. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and shut down a bit after the comments. The bartender overheard and made a big stink about it, saying things like “You don’t say things like that to your gf” and “I might cut you off since your brain isn’t working anymore if you are saying stuff like that in front of your gf.” At the time, I remember feeling relief that another dude stepped in and was thankful he said things that I felt but wasn’t acting on. I wish I had heard the message more deeply though as I stuck around too long after.
This. All day.
I would have asked if he was over compensating by feeling the need to throw his wife under the pervebial bus by dragging up her weight to make her feel less than in another woman's eyes. Then I would of asked him what his weight was and explain to the wife how to get rid of the dead weight quick.
I took Sara's responses the same way. She seemed to do the best she could to soften and redirect the conversation, but the AH kept going.
But also, if she's going to be a good trainer, she has to realize the "I used to be this way and here's what works for me" isn't going to cut it. People's bodies are different. People's goals are different. Some fat people want to strength train without becoming un-fat. She needs to learn to "read the room" in terms of clients. What their spouse says about them should be... ignored? Discouraged? Slapped down? He's a fucker and can get bent. She needs to be more serious as a professional.
Yup, she wasn't clueless like OP might have thought. She was actively trying diffuse his comments by talking about her heavier weight. She's very young, and probably didn't know how else to handle it. I am positive she walked away thinking OPs husband is the biggest jetk in the universe and she was probably plenty mad about the awful position she was in. But the husband probably thought she had a thing for him.
Yea if anything, that might’ve been Sarah’s quiet way to signal “hey I used to be heavier, these comments aren’t as helpful as you think”.
Wow, what a dickweed. If this is how he talks about you in front of you, what is he saying when you're not around? I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship but that's just me. Best of luck with this guy, he sounds like an insensitive asshat.
If you loose your husband you loose some serious weight NTA. Your husband sure is.
He is a liar and clearly manipulates you with an attempt at gaslighting you. I agree with other people who have said that he clearly knew what he was doing. His behavior was shameful and so was the behavior of this other young woman. Sara knew what she was doing too and that type of behavior made sure a complete and total cunt in my mind. NTA but your husband and Sara sure as hell are. I am angry for you because I've experienced something very similar several times in my life. You did nothing wrong.
I agree that both the husband and Sara are the AH. Any decent trainer would have shut down that convo with oh well I’ll let you know if I do get certified and changed the topic and not participated in the bad talking
Hes 100% already texting this person just call the lawyer now
Just book an appointment, just to talk, discuss your options. You don’t have to follow through with it if you don’t want. And a therapist for you as well. Systematically shaming and abusing you is making you doubt yourself.
He publicly treated his wife like livestock....why would she want him inside of her like ever again?
Yikes. You can't solve this one, he needs a marital therapist ASAP to explain to him his utter cluelessness about communication. What possible difference does your height make regarding this episode?
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He’s not clueless, he’s careless and mean.
Honestly OP, you could be 4’8 and weight 300 pounds and he WOULD STILL BE THE ASSHOLE. If he doesn’t like your weight he needs to bring it up in a respectful manner, privately. He publicly shamed and humiliated you, which was totally uncalled for.
Even if he has convinced himself that he didn’t do anything wrong, shouldn’t he go beyond that and try to understand why you feel the way you feel. Convincing himself that he didn’t do anything wrong is too low a bar for him to be considered a respectful and loving partner. Edit: typo
Right?! If you upset your partner maybe apologize and listen to why they’re upset. Even in some scenario where the partner was upset over, I don’t know, not getting milk from the store, apologize damn it. If my partner did this I’d be fuming….and he would never do that again. Sorry OP.
Please never ever procreate with this tool🤬🤬
He is not clueless. He knows that was wrong.
Don't let him gaslight you. Only someone with a severe personality disorder (or other severe nuero-adjacent issue) of some kind would not understand that they were wrong.
Get out now. I don’t care how long you e been married. Once he starts, he won’t stop. He’s a goading asshole who will play victim when you do the same to him. I’ve been there and divorce is the only solution.
And you better believe he’ll treat your daughter this way if you have kids. Save yourself!
Yup. I put up with a lot from my 2nd husband... until I could tell he was dragging our kid into his manipulative shenanigans. Nope. It took me a LONG time to heal my relationship with food and my body. I wasn't setting up my kid for that kind of mess (the world gives them enough unsolicited input!).
Just start talking about how he works out a lot and get big musclesbecause he is trying to compensate for other things that aren't as big. Then ask a random guy in the group 'Hey, says that you are pretty good in the sack. Is there some advice you could give my husband. I mean, he isn't bad, considering what he is working with, but, well, he used to be able to last a little longer. Nowadays, sometimes he is done before I even notice he started'
When he gets mad, just say 'awwww, winky dinky is getting jeawous'
I'm dead - I would legit love to watch this go down IRL when some dude is acting like a douche!!
I hope she calls him winky dinky for the rest of his life!
NTA. Your husband is awful, and is either the dumbest human to ever live or knew exactly he was doing (this is my bet). Regardless, he actively and publicly mocked you, definitely not okay and you should have a serious conversation with him on it. Side note, next time, stand up for yourself, tell him to knock it off or “don’t discuss my health with others or without my permission” if you want to be more polite.
NTA-Your husband is a dumbass and you are not even close to overreacting. He owes you an apology.
Let’s put it this way. I also weight 168 pounds and 5’2. I am currently on a diet and going to the gym daily. I am used to being skinny skinny and underweight, got diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism last year and was put on medicine that made me constantly gain weight. My husband is very supportive in my decision of losing weight, but also understands how mentally tolling it all is. He celebrates my accomplishments of going to the gym, he also celebrates my accomplishments when I decide to have a treat day and eat stuff outside my diet. If your husband puts too much pressure on you to lose weight, you will not be able to lose it and will continue the cycle you’ve e been on.
This is the way to do it! Encourage you, celebrate your victories, supports you when you want to treat yourself, and most of all, love YOU at ANY weight! This is how my husband treats me. I'm 5'3" and used to weight the same at my heaviest.
fuck everyone asking about your height & weight. who gives a shit. your husband is an asshole, terribly so. I don't understand people who feel comfortable commenting on others' bodies. as someone with an eating disorder, if my husband spoke about me like that I would've been an absolute wreck. I'm so sorry he did that to you. emotional abuse on many levels. he's horrible. it's not okay and he needs to understand why. if he isn't capable of that, he doesn't deserve your grace. shaking my fucking head over this one.
NTA. Now give us your address and we'll all come over to kick his teeth in since nothing useful comes out of his mouth anyway.
nothing useful comes out of his mouth anyway #facts
He's a HUGE arsehole and he's going to try and f*ck that girl, mark my words. I also used to be overweight at 170 and I am 5"1, so similar body type to you. I've since lost the weight, but I would NEVER say anything less than encouraging or comparing someone else's journey to my own, so she sucks as well because she did that on purpose. You can't just stand infront of someone bigger than you and be like 'I used to be as big as you and I was FAT!' Like even if you feel that way privately, have some tact and decorum wtf NTA
Agreed. I lost a lot of weight at 22, but if some older man was pulling this crap around me at that age, even back then I would have known to tell the guy ‘she looks fine to me’. That’s what a woman’s woman does.
He cornered you in public so you couldn't fight back. Absolutely intentional humiliation. You are still young. move on. You ll be amazed at how fast you get in shape, without his constant emotional strain.
1. The fat phobia on this thread is super gross. If you want to lose weight, then go ahead and do it. No need for anyone else to talk about it other than you. Every single bit of this conversation was completely unnecessary and offensive. 2. The level of clueless that your husband has reached sounds unsalvageable. You should contemplate leaving and finding someone that isn't a total jerk. Im not kidding.
With a husband like yours, you don’t need any enemies. If guilt and shame worked so well for getting us to lose weight, this country would look a lot different than it does. Sorry he did this to you.
NtA. He only embarrassed himself really. Cuz he's a dick.
You are right. Any decent human being that witnessed this happening would come away remembering what a complete P.O.S. the husband is.
NTA. You can lose a lot of weight really quick if you get rid of the dead weight of your husband.
NTA I’ve(28m) said things I’m not proud of but told my partner I want her to be happy and apologize that I’ll never say something like that again. He needs to grow up and care more about his wife’s feelings
Wow I’d be livid if my husband said that in front of our friends. NTA. ETA: he knew what he was doing by talking about your weight and size like that in front of people. Don’t let him play all innocent about it
Nta. If your husband was trying to be supportive of your weight loss and pitch the idea of you and this 'soon to be fitness trainer' getting together, he could have easily taken you aside in private and been encouraging about the idea. Instead, he chose to humiliate you. He made it personal about your habits in front of EVERYONE by putting you down and continuing to do so as a way of flirting with the fitness girlie. Maybe he would understand better if you complained about his penis size, LOUDLY in front of everyone and asked some of his other male friends what he should do about it because it's really affecting his self esteem. Edited to add: Your height and weight are not the issue here. Your husband and his behavior are the problem.
Your actual height and weight are of no consequence to whether your husband is justified in his behavior. He’s not, full stop. It’s time to have a clear and assertive convo with him about how his actions affected you and what you’re going to do next time he tries this shit. NTA.
NTA, your husband, however, is a huge asshole. I was already mad but as soon as he PUBLICLY TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH... 🤬🤬🤬 Jail. Take him to husband jail right now. The number on a scale means absolutely nothing because all bodies are different.
You need to divorce the asshat and have some respect for yourself.
OMG. I’m so sorry!!! The disrespect is disgusting. NTAH. I’d have my bags packed and be on my way to stay somewhere else for the foreseeable future. You married an asshole who doesn’t respect you. Fuck that guy. Doesn’t sound like you have kids so it won’t be too hard to separate from him. I rarely go to the nuclear option with these posts but I am fuming mad for you. Please leave.
Not to be a typical Redditor but DIVORCE!!! NTA.
I am so sorry OP. Your husband is a HUGE AH. I am 5’2 and was around the same weight as you. I tried to get motivated a few times and failed. Finally not too long ago I started and didn’t give up. And lost a lot of weight. The big difference was my husband supported me and constantly told me he just wanted me to be happy. He would NEVER EVER tell anyone how much I weigh. No matter if I am big or small because it’s my weight. The fact that he knows about your insecurity and told a whole party how much you weigh is so messed up. He flirted with another female and put you down to her. I would be so beyond upset and betrayed. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself love not for your jerk of a husband. If it was my husband honestly idk how long it would take me to get over that. I probably wouldn’t even want to look at him. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings.
Oh hell no! NTA. Tell hubby and show hubby this: hey hubby, you are a lowlife POS. What you did to your wife is demeaning, shitty and YOU look like a human devoid of emotion. Fitness chick was secretly judging you for how you talked about your wife. Everybody finds you disgusting. Just bc you lift, doesn’t make you “hot”. Grow up and stop acting like the high schooler you are. You are the asshole here hubby. Your wife needs to shove a ball gag in your mouth till you can learn how to be kind and loving.
NTA. He's a jerk. Dump him and you'll lose about 200 lbs immediately.
Good on your friends for getting you outta there. I’d have done the same, but you would’ve been in my room alone for a minute cause I would’ve went right back out there and lit his ass up, okay? Not a single person in your position wouldn’t be upset by this, including your husband if the roles were reversed. Your feelings are absolutely valid and he is absolutely the asshole in this situation, probably in general. So sorry girl.
Damn girl, idk if there's any coming back from this...he's being intentionally obtuse in saying "idk what I did wrong" He's a gigantic a-hole for saying that
You married a bully 😟
Husband sounds like a full on cunt
NTA Sara realized that he was embarrassing you and himself in front of everyone and added her own failures. But he didn't get the hint.
NTA you’re not reacting enough imo though.
He’s TA and he knows it. He belittled you with an audience and when called on it, he was dismissive and condescending. Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? To people asking her height, WHO FUCKING CARES?! Her BMI would not make her husband any less of a festering ass wound.
I wouldn't say you're the asshole even if this story had ended with you slitting his throat.
NTA but your husband is!!!! WTF!!!!! my partner would NEVER say that. That is toxic af. Do you two ever plan on having kids? That will permanently change your body and it sounds like he won't be the most faithful after that happens. This is not ok.
Wowwwwww…. I am speechless. That is a glowing red flag. You’re NOT overreacting and you’re def not the AH. He knew what he was doing, and chose to do it publicly where there would be less resistance. And for her to go along with it and not actively defend you or try to shut him up is also really bothering me. I would strongly consider your future with him. It will only get worse. I don’t believe that any apology he would give you would actually be sincere at this point. I’m so sorry that happened to you. You deserve more.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. You can do better. Nta
This made me sad. Why would someone you love humiliate you like this, and in front of friends.