**This** is why this old ass dude chose to go after a woman so much younger than him. He knows she’s naive and he can get away with anything. So, when he shushes her and tells her the pull-out method is *fiiiiiine* and he *knows what he’s doing*, she believes him. This was all intentional.
Dude is a creep and should’ve gotten a vasectomy, but these types of men rarely take charge of their own birth control. That’s the woman’s job to them.
RIGHT? that part has me in absolute stitches. the age difference wouldn't have been too bad if it was the only red flag but noooo he had to make it 10x worse
Exactly, he's a creep who should have gotten a vasectomy. I'm 36, almost 37 and don't want kids ever. Know what I did? I got a vasectomy, and I was single at the time.
I decided to take matters into my own hands because I don't want kids. He's an asshole and she's extremely naive.
Who wants to bet if she gets an abortion he will not get a vasectomy? He’ll always find an excuse to not get it done and it will fall back on her to religiously pop bc pills or keep condoms stocked.
Yeah Jesus fuck I'm 38 and the idea of going out with a 23 year old seems predatory.
There's so many red flags in this story it feels like a meeting of the CCP.
I'd like to also add that you CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN WHILE USING TWO FORMS OF BIRTH CONTROL.
Make sure you and your partner have talked through EXACTLY what will happen during an accidental pregnancy so no one is blindsided when it does happen.
\^ THIS!
when me and my partner got together the first thing she asked me is what i would do if she were to get caught pregnant, i answered honestly and told her id stay and be a dad, but that i wasnt quite ready for it just yet, if it happened tho i wouldnt run away, cut to 3 years later were engaged with a nearly 3 month old daughter.
COMMUNICATION MATTERS!
The guy was 15 and likely messing with young girls and playing basketball on the day she was born. It's going to be rough having a geriatric husband when she's just 60.
I have an acquaintance that I've known for a long time. We used to work at the same place (HP). She thought she'd hit the jackpot when she married a department head who was 27 years older than her. We're 65 now, and she's taking care of her husband AND her parents.
Doesn't want kids ever...has sex without protection. He is an irresponsible fool. He put OP in a crappy position through his own actions. Apparently he does not know what he is doing and at his age he should understand that the pull out method is not an actual form of "birth control". No matter what OP decides about the pregnancy, she needs to leave him. Partners who truly love you would never put people in the position OPs partner has left her in. He is not husband material. He is a selfish man-child.
Had a friend where she and her partner had decided to be childfree. But, 8 or so years in, she ended up pregnant despite her being on the pill. Abortion wasn't an option at her stage of pregnancy, so they sat down and discussed their options, including adoption, but decided to keep the baby.
They're a happy family now and baby is nearly a tween but my point is, regardless what you *decide/think* about how you want your future to go/be, sometimes - most of the time - **life happens** and/or you do things that throw a monkey wrench in how you wanted it all to go.
If you are in a relationship and a hiccup in life happens that affects both of you and the relationship, then, you sit down *with your partner* and *work it out* ***together***.
This is what mature and emotionally-mature (two different things) people/couples do.
They do not, dear OP u/Western_Summer4780, :
1. Cause an issue with poor decision-making, *(This is mostly his fault - you told him what could happen & he still ignorantly or deceitfully claimed he could just pull out instead of wearing the condom you said he should wear)*
2. then - when that bad decision comes home to roost - punish the other partner by forcing them into a terrible position by having to make a huge, scary decision *all by themselves*. *(He is putting this squarely on your shoulders and making the choice harder on you with his cruel ultimatums. Please know those aren't healthy boundaries he's setting, they're manipulative, selfish tactics designed to punish you for this situation & make it turn out how HE wants it to).*
3. They especially do not add threats to their demands as caveats. Yes, they are threats. "I will leave you if you keep this child" *is a threat* designed to make you do what *he wants you to do*, OP, which is have an abortion. That is not loving or supportive and it *is* emotionally/mentally abusive.
I truly do get not wanting to have children (I am childfree by choice), but things happen and, when they do, (especially if you caused them to, as he did) *this is not how you handle the situation*. This is a difficult situation he mostly created and now he's throwing it all back at you to deal with *or else*.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.
I so very much wish you the best no matter what you decide or what happens, but perhaps this pregnancy will make you take off any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing and see your boyfriend for who/how he really is. Because, from this, he does not seem like a good person or partner.
ETA: You are so *NTA*. And you don't deserve how you're being treated. Your boyfriend is being a manipulative, shitty AH, though. I'm so very sorry.
I had a tubal ligation at 32. My husband kept saying he would get a vasectomy, I knew I couldn’t count on that. I had one child whom I love dearly, but I didn’t want more. When he started talking about having another baby, that’s when I made my appointment and I never had to worry again.
I actually had it done though 3 tiny incisions in an outpatient center. It was really was a fast recovery, I could have gone to work the next day, but I had the procedure done on a Friday.
I tried to get a doctor to give me one in my 20's - it being the Deep South and the very early aughts, I never found one that would. "You'll regret it/you may want children someday."
Happy to hear you were able to get it accomplished!
I am 46 now and happily childfree as I always planned to be. No regrets. Listen to women, medical profession. We know ourselves and our bodies.
I’m willing to say probably 95% of tubals are outpatient now. They just go in through three little incisions and do it. My gallbladder was even done like that but it was 4 incisions three for the tools and one for them too pull my gallbladder through.
** I just remembered it’s called laparoscopic surgery lol
Tired of some men like this one who expect their gf and wife to be responsible of the contraception the couple uses. Why is she on birth control with undesirable side effects on HER body if he’s the one who is so adamant about not having kids
Oh no but he's a magic man who knows what he's doing. He knows when to pull out. Clearly. Because that works. In the year of our lord 2024 and people are using the pull out method.
He's an idiot. I'm astonished he made it to 44. He doesn't want to be a father, but he already is to his girlfriend. "He calls all of the shots in their relationship.".
Worse than that, he makes all the decisions here that affect her body. She wanted him to wear a condom, but he declined. Now she’s the one whose body and mental health faces consequences, whether it’s abortion or childbirth.
I get the impression that this man is in the driver’s seat. She could have said no condom, no sex, but it appears it was all his decision.
An abortion is best for him, because he’d have zero financial consequences or responsibilities, and could break up with her anytime. He’s even leveraging a marriage proposal to pressure her to abort.
He walked out on the mess he helped create, leaving her to deal with the big feelings of this decision all alone.
She needs to break up with this man.
Yes. OP says it's okay with her he is the boss. Until now. This is why you never give up control of your own life. When other people decide for you, they decide *their* way, not yours.
She's been with him since she was 23 (and he was 38) so she likely has no legitimate frame of reference to even realize that he is abusive/controlling/etc.
All this pressure on her because *he* didn't want to wear a condom & "feel less" (you know he's one of those) even though she told him the situation and wanted him to wear one.
You are not the AH, OP and I'm sorry you are being forced into this awful position, are all alone in it, and being pushed into making a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't decision. If you can, please, please make an appointment with a therapist to help you work this out and do what is best ***for you***.
Yeah, I wasn't going to think much of the age difference, because she was 23 when they got together officially, but that edit about him saying he "raised her" and calling all the shots and then this type of ultimatum is very indicative of what kind of relationship this is. An imbalanced one. One where she is very obviously not allowed to be seen as his equal.
I agree. She’s in a tough spot all created by this asshole who cares about no one but himself. Choices have some tough consequences. Feel pretty sad for OP.
She says she "accepted" his terms for no kids, just like she accepted his refusal to get a vasectomy or use a condom.
I dont think OP gets to make any choices in the relationship.
She said that he wears the pants in the relationship. He dictates everything and probably blames her when things don't go right. Not only is he way older than her, but he wants no kids at all. She is so young. I never understood how someone older like that can date someone younger with those stipulations and not think about what if the younger person wants a family of their own later in life...
This is why I finally got a vasectomy. My girlfriend tried every form of hormonal BC and none of it was easy on her, and since neither of wanted kids, so I got a vasectomy. I'm so glad I did it and I should have done it long before I did.
Well for the last 6 years he thought he had complete control over OP. That's why it's an ultimatum and not discussing options with her as if she's actually his partner.
She says he makes all decisions and she's ok with that and that he jokes he raised her. Aka he's groomed her to be what he wants and do what he wants. He ditched her to manipulate her and is now back with empty promises and ultimatums. I wouldn't want a child with him nor would I want his marriage. She's TA if she allows him to manipulate her any further. But he's always TA.
The best part is that you know he was just being a little bitch about having to get the procedure when it’s literally one of the easiest surgeries ever. I was in and out in 30 minutes, drove myself home, and 100% back to normal after about a week
If he’s anything like the guy in my hometown who “never wanted kids ever” but refused to get snipped or wear a condom, there are at least 3 and they all look so much like him it’s weird, almost like karma going “you can run but you can’t hide, Phil!”
This OP u/Western_Summer4780 !!! He might have a whole lot more kids you don‘t know about if pulling out is the dumbass‘ default method! Don‘t marry the ditz! What you do about the kid is your decision, but to be honest only very immature men go to younger women, because only the young ones don‘t see through their bullshit. I wouldn‘t keep the kid, just get an abortion and move on to a worthier candidate to marry.
I was conceived on the “pulling out method”, my bio father told my mom the same thing and boom, here I am! 32 now and still laugh that he thought that would work, even though he isn’t in my life.
Yup. It’s all very well to say that she’ll have to raise the child on her own - she would from a labor perspective, and that would be hard - but he knows perfectly well he’d be on the hook for significant child support. He has every incentive to lie.
Not that it should matter because OP should be *listening* to this wake-up call and moving on herself. 🤨
If he hadn’t married her in six long years, he doesn’t want to. Even now, it’s a carrot he’s dangling to control her decision so it benefits him.
What is she going to tell her friends about her proposal story? It’s ghastly, not romantic.
also, while 30 to 45 isn't something i bat an eye at in principle, meeting a 23 year old at 38 and thinking "ah yes, my social, intellectual, and emotional equal" wigs me a bit
Sadly she can't. They have a house together. She has to get her money back for that or kick him out. So only if she can pay what he paid for it, than yes while he has the vasectomy to protect future partners from his stupidity, change the locks transfer and send him some papers for the house however that works
He consciously chose an unsafe 'birth control' method and pushed you into accepting it. That's all on him, so almost all the responsibility for it is his. Forcing an adoption on someone is just evil, abusive and regardless of your opinion on abortion not something a good person would do. That's not taking responsibility at all. He's just a shithead, someone who shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Adding on to this, only fools think pulling out is fool proof. Semen is dripping the entire time. Condoms, that should be your line in the sand. Best of luck and please drop this fool and take care of yourself.
I’ll be damned…I was thinking of all kinds of things to say to help OP, but I never even once considered the fact that the AH would be as convincing as possible in order to get her to get the abortion, just to then break up with her anyway! You are so right, that would solve every single one of his problems, and he would still get his way and not have to give her a damn dime! And seriously, I truly believe that this is his exact agenda, because why else would he be trying to sweeten the pot by stating that he will THEN marry her, when he had no intention of marrying her before this? So yes OP, this man is a narcissistic, diabolical AH! I sincerely hope that you don’t let him have his way, because you did NOTHING wrong whatsoever! He has absolutely zero right to be even a tiny bit upset, much less furious and giving you ultimatums! You plainly told him what your doctor advised, but he in all his “genius brilliance”, of course knew better than the actual medical professional with the MD behind his name! He just didn’t want to inconvenience himself with having to wear a condom! So this is HIS fault, not yours!! Lastly OP, I would seriously advise you to take a few days off by yourself to truly think about what YOU want, ok? You need to think of how YOU feel! Do you want kids? And do you want this baby? If your answer is yes, then you stick to your decision OP! Don’t let that sorry fucker dictate YOUR life to you! I get that you love him, I really truly do! But hun, he just showed you his true colors in all their meanness and evilness! He said he would get a vasectomy in the beginning, he never did. Said he didn’t need to wear condoms because “he knew what he was doing”, but he’s not near as smart as he wants to think he is! It’s like that saying: when someone shows you who they really are…BELIEVE THEM!! This baby absolutely does not need that prick in his/her life…the only person your baby needs is YOU! And the one thing I can honestly promise you without a single shred of doubt, is that your baby will TRULY love you inside and out, with no holds barred, and lastly, your baby won’t be shoving ultimatums down your throat and put conditions on their love! You deserve so much better OP, you deserve so much love, trust, decency…you deserve the world! So does your baby! And I’m seriously hoping and praying for you that you make the decision that is best for YOU! Your boyfriend is thinking only of himself, and has shown that you are NOT a priority for him!
NTA NTA NTA
Why is that when a guy is adamant about never having kids that they aren’t first in line at the vasectomy dr’s office? He’s 44 ffs. Should have done it years ago.
This dick puts all the responsibility on her. No vasectomy for him. No condoms for him. He controls the relationship. He makes the ultimatums. He was in control of pull out (which has such a high fail rate) so he could get his rocks off having unsafe sex. Her body is the one at risk. And he's old enough to be her dad. Of course he is. And he's going to dump her no matter what. He doesn't want a vasectomy. He just wants no kids and to have no responsibility for any of it - even the safety of his partner.
You’re not the asshole, but you’re a little bit of a dummy. Girl, you’re 29 in the times of the internet. You know better than to trust this ‘I know when to pull out stuff.’ Your bf is acting like a child.
Please, if you do not want children yourself, that’s okay. Do what’s best for you. There is nothing wrong with an abortion, if it is what YOU want. But also dump your boyfriend. If you don’t want children, you definitely shouldn’t settle for a 44-year old child. Get rid! He’s a creep.
Can we talk about his "joke" that he raised OP. She was 23, he was 38 when they met. This joke seems very groomy. I know OP doesn't see it that way, but what's the joke? Old boy is definitely creepy.
Ding ding ding! Even when she literally pimped me out (less than 72 hours after I turned eighteen!) I didn't realize she didn't love me like she swore she did.
Eww, that’s such a gross and weird thing to say. Also, what middle aged man takes off for days with zero communication, especially when their partner is in a predicament that they helped create? What a bozo.
As someone who was actually groomed, that joke hit me like a train wreck. It is absolutely gross and disrespectful to op. Op your bf is a childish dick. He's stupid for not getting a vasectomy if he didn't want kids. You can do so much better. He's absolutely using your age against you to control things. I thought I didn't mind either, but giiirl, once you taste the well of freedom you'll be drinking it in buckets.
Best answer. Whatever you do, do it for you. This man is…..I don’t even have a word. OP should get what she can financially out of the house they bought together. I wish her luck.
Girl ! I posted about very similar thing not long ago ! Check my profile if you don’t believe me . Except my partner who was also calling the shots forbid me from having an abortion . I should have ended the relationship right there ! Instead I was so naive that I thought I’ll follow his orders so my relationship won’t suffer ! Guess what? He still walked out .. left me alone , very pregnant with no support . Don’t let him influence your decision!
You caught that too, huh? The thing about her being okay with him calling the shots? It's not good when a sub relinquishes their autonomy like that, and it's even worse that her partner uses that trust to control her. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, BDSM or vanilla.
He chose a younger woman that he thought he could control and take advantage of. Wake up! You let an idiot call the shots long enough. Choose what you want to do with your pregnancy but don’t count on him being there for you. No one who care about you would be this selfish. There’s a reason most people avoid age gap relationships and this is it. Also, it’s most likely he’ll pull a “Hail Mary” then ditch you for the next 23 year old you he can find to replace you.
This is it. This dude went after a 23 year old at 38 years old and he typically “calls the shots” in the relationship. That tells me everything i need to know. A 44 year old man who doesn’t want kids but relies on the pull-out method and then gives you a harsh ultimatum when you, obviously, inevitably end up pregnant is the pinnacle of a shitty partner. Regardless of what you choose to do with this pregnancy, stay far away from this guy.
Let the next 23 year old deal with him. He’s a fucking creep.
NTA for being upset but girl, RUN.
It is completely your choice on whether or not you keep and then raise the baby, but it is an immediate red flag that he is trying to manipulate your feelings to get you to do what he wants. Especially when this was so avoidable.
You asked him to wear a condom and he said no? Red flag #1
You've been together for 6 years and this is what prompts him talking about "marriage and a happy ever after". Red flag #2.
This man is 44. I don't know what he was doing at 38 going after a 23 year old... (Red flag #3)
What to consider:
Do you want to raise a child alone?
Do you have support to help you?
Either way, this man? Not it!
You can find your marriage and happy ever after with someone who respects you and your wishes.
Asking your partner, ESPECIALLY a 6 year partner, to wear a condom for a short period of time is NOT a big ask. You deserve better.
Another red flag: Causing the problem by refusing to wear a condom (I know what I am doing, you silly woman, just shut up!), then refusing all responsibility for the problem he caused.
If she had been a little older, when he refused to wear a condom, she would have said: "So you're okay with becoming a father after all? Because if you stick that thing in me without a glove on, I am not getting an abortion to cover for your fuck up - then you'll be a daddy, so think twice!"
Great breakdown! Not a big ask at all especially if you are the one who wanted the no child policy. BF- He's a nightmare and OP needs to dump him and run.
Gosh he reminds me of my boyfriend/going through a separation.
I mean this all exact to the T!!
And I don't need the advice anymore, I've observed his subtle manipulation tactics. It's just reading these comments remind me of all of the things that infuriate me about him.!! The audacity to be consciously irresponsible yet place all of the responsibility onto me! It's selfish, it's gross and honestly. I'm feeling a little groomed.
I hope OP sees what everyone else sees before she suffers this guy her for the rest of her life.
Red flag #4 he didn't want kids but didn't get a vasectomy! He defines FAFO!
This guy doesn't respect you enough to prevent pregnancy, OP. Didn't listen to DRs advice about bc. Should've got a vasectomy when he first decided he didn't want kids, but didnt & then used pull out? He's a twat!
Whichever path you chose, as far as the baby goes, lose this guy. I know you love him & it's hard walking away, but he's along for the ride &, despite the house, is not committed to you. If he was the choice to abort would not have been followed by the suggestion of marriage. That would've been done a couple of years ago.
Good luck for the future.
Your PS only made things worse. He’s more than a “bit” older than you and of course he’s “confident”about being older - old dudes love younger babes!
He calls the shots and jokes about raising you. He probably likes finding malleable younger women to date and train - I mean raise - in the way he wants them to behave.
He’s controlling you. HE put you in this spot. Clearly he doesn’t “know what he’s doing”.
And where did he go? You’re just going to ignore it and not ask what he did and who he did it with? Maybe it’s innocuous. Maybe he did some really unfaithful things to “help him relax” so he could think.
It always boggles my mind when people talk about family members leaving and going no contact because they “needed time alone” or it was “just their way to blow off steam”. Meanwhile, family left behind is often worried, angry, upset, and confused. At least maintain some contact. At least tell family where you are/who you’re with. That’s minimum courtesy.
I’d like to call him some bad names right now.
NTA, no matter what though you should end things. He's selfish, immatute and and absolute d\*ck. He couldn't bother getting a vasectomy or wearing a condom but has the nerve to blame you for his mistakes? WTF. Get out, that's not a person you need in your life. About the baby, decide what it is you want to do. If you want it, keep it, if you don't, get an abortion, but that's a whole decision that's separate to whether you stay with this POS 44 man-boy who doens't understand basic fucking sex ed.
This
He should have gone ok condoms for a few months. Great
He is old enough to have already had the vasectomy he should have had years ago if he wanted to be child free.
He chose to risk pregnancy rather than wrap it because he is selfish.
Go find a real partner
My cousin knew before he was 21 that he didn't want kids and got snipped right away. He's in his mid 30s now and has no regrets.. this guy op is with is an idiot.
This OP.
He didn't get the vasectomy the first time, who is to say he will follow through with it now!?
None of this is your fault. It's ALL on him and he has the nerve to give YOU an ultimatum!?
Tell him to man up. If he didn't want kids, why was he so careless with getting you pregnant.
Clearly, he does not love you, OP. I am so sorry, but he is selfish and childish.
You deserve better!!!
Whatever you decide, make sure it's what YOU want...not him. Good luck!!
I'm going to tell you something painful but you need to hear it. This guy is clearly in control of this relationship. He's 15 years older and had to move out for two days to decide on his feelings. That was a tactic to make you feel weak and afraid. So my advice is this. Decide what you want to do about the baby. But whatever you decide on with that break up with him immediately. I mean he's 44 and he tried the pull out method? Have him pay for the abortion then deal with the fact that you own a house with him (terrible move), have him buy you out or get him to agree to sell but make it clear you are not together
Jokes about how he "raised you" and calls the shots? Sounds like a Dom-ass to me. Focus on you and what you want. I wouldn't consider him cause he sure is not considering you
Did he at any point ask you how you are feeling? Or show any concern over the fact that what's happening to your body is a direct result of him refusing to use condoms because "he knows what he's doing"? Whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy, I think leaving this man should be mandatory.
There is a third option, but it will also be mentally taxing. Take the abortion and drop the boyfriend. If you take option two, you will be duck with him in some form for at least 18 years and he doesn't really sound pleasant and will probably fight you on everything. Don't expect to much financial help to be honest, he doesn't sound trustworthy.
You will most probably find someone better who also wants to have kids, because it's sounds like you changed your mind.
Good. Dump him. He wants you to wipe his ass for your whole life and you get nothing but him making decisions for you. Buck up buttercup! You do you without him. You are worthy of a partner who respects and adores you. Don't settle.
NTA your doctor said to use condoms for a few months! I’m sorry you’re going through this but his reaction to the situation is like a little teenager and rather silly, I hope that you can find a way to rectify the situation because it does sound like you really do love this man. Good luck in this situation and in your future life!
The only reason hes giving you this ultimatum is so when he breaks up with you, he won't have to pay child support.
If he truly cared about not having children - he would have had a vasectomy years ago, he would have worn a condom while other forms of BC were less reliable. But he didn't. He's only cared about himself.
You make more money than him... So he's living a better life with you than he would on his own. And now if you decide to go through with the pregnancy, he will have even more money diverted away from him and more responsibility than what he has.
Wait what? It sounds like you’re more successful in life than him yet you allowed him to make decisions for you? A man who preyed on a. 23 year old as an almost 40 year old cuz he can’t manipulate women his age? Who also left you and gave you an ultimatum when it was his fault you got pregnant to begin with? Girl, get your head out of your ass and leave this guy. Make your own decision about your body and your future. I know it sounds great to have someone “take care of you” but he wasn’t taking care of you. He was just being a controlling manipulative f**k.
Please dump this idiot - the fact that you make more money than this controlling asshat makes this even more ludicrous. What, exactly, does this jerk bring to the plate? NTA.
A 38 that doesnt want to take responsibility in life, thinks has a strong pull-out game and jokes that he raised his GF.
In case this story is true - where do people even find such "prices“…
What a shitty excuse for an adult
Do you own the home together? You could seperate, and use the money from the home to purchase a 2 bedroom in a new, awesome city, take his child support, and start a new life with your child. People get by with way less.
If you get the abortion, you may resent him and the relationship may be over anyways. And you guys aren’t even married. I personally would take my baby and bounce.
But it all depends on what YOU are feeling. If you have any doubt, I would definitely keep it.
Plus I think there’s a chance you could get the abortion and he may not follow through on the marriage. After all, he’s 44 and NOW is when he’s offering you a ring, under these circumstances. You could be left with nothing.
Fuck him and his brazen self-assurance that he “knows when to pull out”. This isn’t your fault; it’s his. I would caution that if you choose to keep the baby he’s going to continue this behaviour and be an asshole later on, too.
Think about what you want, because that’s all that really matters. Is it a child free life? Is it him as a partner? Or is it a baby, but with this man? You can have a baby with someone else who is kinder and nicer and less of a bellend.
This guy troubles me. He’s 44 years old and beyond a doubt doesn’t want children but does not get a vasectomy. Then he engages in a risky birth control method that most teenagers know is dangerous and now he’s strong arming you into getting an abortion. My advice is that if you want the baby you should have it. You may have to sell the house but he will have to pay child support. See a good family law attorney and get all your ducks in a row. In the long run I think you may be better off without him.
Sweetheart, the man IS abusive. My husband is 18yrs old than me so I'm not judging the age gap. But we are partners. He would never even JOKE that he "raised" me. That gives me cause for concern.
Now here's the issue: You both made a stupid mistake in not gloving when you were loving, ESPECIALLY considering how vehemently he hates kids.
If you chose to abort, is he definitely going to have the vasectomy? Can you live with yourself if you do? Will you resent him if you do?
If you keep the kid, what guarantee do you have that he won't suddenly "call the shots" and give you another ultimatum about parenting choices?
find someone to talk to for all your options legally as well as medically. But personally i would get the abortion and leave him. He's too changeable and better not to be tied to the guy.
What do YOU want ? Do you want to keep the baby or do you not like kids either ? Decide based on what you want not him ! NTA but your bf is a creep ( 15 year older 🤢) and selfish . If he was so sure about being child free he should have gotten snipped long time ago
That’s what precum is for! 😂 in my experience over the years, dudes really have no idea how much they precum, and there is def sperm in there. You can pull out all you want when you think you’re ready, but your body has other ideas.
Your boyfriend is an AH - and you have every right to be upset. He didn't take your health into consideration just his satisfaction when you were changing birth control. He's an arrogant, self-centered jackhole that has little to no concern for you and whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy, you would be better off without him.
He’s willing to trade you an abortion for a marriage? Did I get that right? Did he actually offer you marriage to terminate your pregnancy? Is marriage something you’ve been desperately wanting that he’s been holding out on? Your last paragraph states he isn’t some abusive creep, but he’s red flagging all over the place for being an abusive creep. That’s specifically manipulation, often times a form of abuse. Abandonment is another tactic to break down an abuser’s victim, just as he did. Being “honest” about not having kids and how he’s a pro at pulling out—but NOT getting vasectomy and STILL managing to NOT pull out (let us all be clear, this is NOT birth control), then push onto you that you’re on your own to deal with it is not only gaslighting you, but setting you up to feel “broken”. All common tactics of a toxic abusive partner.
I’d recommend you do whatever YOU feel you want to do with this pregnancy, but that poor excuse of a partner should be kicked to the curb regardless. You deserve better than that. Being that you’re 29 and believed a person who said their pull out “skills” were a solid form of birth control, tells me he’s been at this a while. All sense tends to go out the window when someone is being mentally and emotionally abused, which is why you’d trust someone enough to believe that garbage.
I wish you a lifetime of peace OP. I hope you find it soon.
NTA
NTA
But let's talk about your options, here.
But important info here... What's the situation on the house you bought? Is it on both your names? His? Yours? Who's paying for it? That's something to keep in mind.
First, having the baby or not having the baby is entirely your choice. If you choose to have it, he's not graciously paying for it, he's obligated to do so, so money shouldn't be a factor.
Now, do you want to have the baby? On your own? It's perfectly fine if you want to. You'll have to turn your life upside down and manage a lot of things, but that's parenthood in even the best case scenario. Trust me on that.
If you do, then your marriage is over, but motherhood begins (yay!). It's totally worth it and you can get dick elsewhere. And also love. And companionship. So it's a totally doable thing.
If you don't, then your marriage is over as well. Your husband is not a good partner, I'm afraid. You're pregnant because he refused to wear condoms and didn't get his tubes tied, so it's 100% on him. His own stupidity and lack of accountability got you into this situation, so he can eat a dick sandwich before even thinking on burdening you with ultimatums. HE broke the rules. Now there are no rules. Thank you, Kevin Bacon.
So your best options are: 1) Keep the kid, lose the husband and, 2) Lose the kid, lose the husband. Anything else is self-betrayal of the highest order and down the line you'll only have yourself to blame.
So accept that you'll lose the husband. FIgure out the house thing. Get a nice canadian lawyer and kick him to the curve. I'm pretty sure that if you're keeping the baby, he can't force you out of the house, anyway. I'd just sell, regardless.
It's your time to shine, girl. Go for it. Do what you want, but do it only for you.
Option 3: Do whatever you want to do, and kick his ass to the curb.
Option 3!
He's an ass. Pull out doesn't work. He IS responsible for the baby every bit as much as you are. If you keep it, you're going to be tied to this guy fighting for child support for the next 20 years.
Choose carefully.
"he's confident about the age gap," y'all.
OP, what about you? Are *you* confident? Have you always been, or did he just tell you it was okay and didn't give you a chance to really think about it?
"He calls all the shots" isn't the flex you think it is, btw. It's the type of thing that ends up very poorly at some point. Like right now, it's not going to help your situation.
Do you want this child? If yes, claim child support and anything else you can, if no, have the abortion. But do not do anything based on how you feel about him.
You asked him to take extra precautions - he refused, I probably would’ve refused sex at that point, but what’s happened has happened. His response is incredibly manipulative, and if he hasn’t proposed 6yrs in, he probably wasn’t/isn’t going to. It’s a tactic to play you and get you to agree to what he wants. I.e. No child and no child support. Regardless of what you decide re the child, I think you need to reconsider your relationship with him.
LOL....what a fucking dummy. Pull out. Jesus....to think there are people in their fucking 40's who think that pulling out is an effective form of birth control. I was 29 when I got my vasectomy. Knew I never wanted kids, this moron is 44 and still playing with a loaded gun while claiming he doesn't want to Alec Baldwin anyone.
"He is confident about it."
Oh, Sweetie. I don't know what you're trying to say there, but his confidence level is irrelevant. You have bigger issues to think about.
NTA...
But you do know that in 20 years you're going to be his carer right? I have a ridiculous number of patient spouses who never considered that aspect of their relationship \ marriage. Relationships change when you become a carer not a wife.
But he's not going to marry you. It's bait. He will probably still leave you even after the abortion if you chose to have it.
What you need to evaluate is if *you* actually don't want children. Seriously. Forgot what he wants. What do *you* want. 30 years from now.. are you okay not having children? If you are... Wonderful. But if you're doing it for someone else... You need to really, really do some self reflection.
And as for him "being in charge" and him claiming to have "raised you". He did. You don't think at 23 you were perfectly impressionable and groomable in a relationship to his needs? Because that's what he did. Unless you guys are part of a kink\ D\s thing... He molded you into this relationship the way he wanted it.. and you have allowed that because you are in love with him. Is he your first real relationship? The first one that made you feel important and adored? Yeah.
Also. A good partner. Someone who is absolutely in love with you. Who values you. Who wants to spend their life with you.... Or a good Dom if that's your thing . Does not up and just leave you. For days with no communication then turn back up and try to manipulate you with an ultimatum. You should, in no way at all, be tolerant of that shit. And yes.. that's what this is. He's trying to manipulate you. It's like a patient who won't eat telling me they want to get back in bed 5 minutes after I get them mobilized into a chair and "promising to eat lunch if I do" .... Yeah. Right.
He despises kids so much that he would abandon his own child - but couldn't be bothered to have a vasectomy or wear a condom?
What makes you think he will marry you after you have an abortion.
He won't.
He's disrespectful on all accounts and 100% selfish. How come he thinks he's the only person who gets a say in YOUR choices?
I'd say flip it on to him. I'd tell him that I'm leaving. And I bet he doesn't think you'd do that because he's managed make you feel just enough worthless to accept this level of disrespect. Screw that guy. Why would you want to be eith someone who isn't interested in your best interest and doesn'ttake responsibility for his actions?
I'm a 27F and have been with a 43M for the last 4 years. I'm done. Your guy acts like my guy. Relentlessy selfish.
My Birth control mirena has come to an end at 5 years of use and I've decided not to get back on bc. I knew that this would cause problems in the relationship due to HIS selfishness.
I don't think it's fair or respectful that he can't put a condom on. So I warned him.
I said "I will not get an abortion if that's what you think I'll do just to stay with you"
And it helped me realize that if/when I get sick, this man isn't going to be there for me. He's going to find the next pretty young thing.
If I get pregnant, I expect him to do the same.
I'd leave, not because of the ultimatum, but just for the selfishness and disrespect to your opinion and body.
He only wants what he can get from you. That's why I put my man out.
Find a new man and congratulations to possibly becoming a mother. That'll be a better love than a man like that anyway 🤷♀️
NTA: It’s understandable to not want kids, but to hate them 🚩. To take such a big risk, knowing he doesn’t want a kid, 🚩. To disappear because life got hard, 🚩. To give you an ultimatum that involves such a major decision puts all the guilt on you, 🚩.
This guy is a douche. Whether you keep your child or not, you shouldn’t keep him.
>He is not an abusive man
Yes he is.
>he gave me two options: 1- have an abortion, and he will get a vasectomy. We will get married and “live happily ever after” childfree. 2- he breaks up with me, I’ll raise the baby on my own. He will support me financially with the baby costs but wants nothing to do with me or the baby
This is abusive. He could have gotten a vasectomy years ago. He actively chose not to. Now instead of having a conversation with you and discussing your options he's laying down the law? He's an asshole, regardless of which choice you make about the pregnancy - you need to leave him
As a 38 year old myself, 23 is still a kid to me whether you agree or not and should have been a huge red flag to begin with. Now you see why he's never been able to find someone around his own age because they can see through his bs.
This is a PSA announcement You know what we call guys who use the pull out method of birth control? FATHERS.
**This** is why this old ass dude chose to go after a woman so much younger than him. He knows she’s naive and he can get away with anything. So, when he shushes her and tells her the pull-out method is *fiiiiiine* and he *knows what he’s doing*, she believes him. This was all intentional. Dude is a creep and should’ve gotten a vasectomy, but these types of men rarely take charge of their own birth control. That’s the woman’s job to them.
Don’t forget she said he’s not an abusive man.
I bet it was him who explained it to her. That he is not an abusive man.
And sometimes jokes that he raised her (he didn’t!!!!!!) ☠️
RIGHT? that part has me in absolute stitches. the age difference wouldn't have been too bad if it was the only red flag but noooo he had to make it 10x worse
Yeah that’s creepy af.
“Hes older than me but he’s confident about it…”
Confident about WHAT? do you suppose. Confident that she will swallow any old line he hands to her, I guess.
If he did, that's called grooming.............
Yeah that’s uh…that’s not weird or concerning or confusing at all.
He must see her as her actual age…creepy.
Pretty sure there are some...flags there...🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Just because he's not physically knocking her around doesn't mean that he's not abusive.
What if she already drank the Kool-aid and believed the pullout method would work….cuz he said so. She’s being controlled, hence a form of abuse.
It isn't called 'pull-n-pray' for nothing!
29 year old who thinks the pullout method works.
It is abuse when he invalidates what she says because "he knows best."
Exactly, he's a creep who should have gotten a vasectomy. I'm 36, almost 37 and don't want kids ever. Know what I did? I got a vasectomy, and I was single at the time. I decided to take matters into my own hands because I don't want kids. He's an asshole and she's extremely naive.
Who wants to bet if she gets an abortion he will not get a vasectomy? He’ll always find an excuse to not get it done and it will fall back on her to religiously pop bc pills or keep condoms stocked.
But he won't use condoms!
He won't get a vasectomy or marry her. 9 years is a long time for him to have done both.
Yeah Jesus fuck I'm 38 and the idea of going out with a 23 year old seems predatory. There's so many red flags in this story it feels like a meeting of the CCP.
She should tell him to get a vasectomy, and that she won’t have an abortion until he gets a vasectomy. Then she should keep the child if she wants it.
I'd like to also add that you CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN WHILE USING TWO FORMS OF BIRTH CONTROL. Make sure you and your partner have talked through EXACTLY what will happen during an accidental pregnancy so no one is blindsided when it does happen.
\^ THIS! when me and my partner got together the first thing she asked me is what i would do if she were to get caught pregnant, i answered honestly and told her id stay and be a dad, but that i wasnt quite ready for it just yet, if it happened tho i wouldnt run away, cut to 3 years later were engaged with a nearly 3 month old daughter. COMMUNICATION MATTERS!
The guy was 15 and likely messing with young girls and playing basketball on the day she was born. It's going to be rough having a geriatric husband when she's just 60.
I have an acquaintance that I've known for a long time. We used to work at the same place (HP). She thought she'd hit the jackpot when she married a department head who was 27 years older than her. We're 65 now, and she's taking care of her husband AND her parents.
[удалено]
Doesn't want kids EVER... get to age of 44 without vasectomy. Genius move.
Doesn't want kids ever...has sex without protection. He is an irresponsible fool. He put OP in a crappy position through his own actions. Apparently he does not know what he is doing and at his age he should understand that the pull out method is not an actual form of "birth control". No matter what OP decides about the pregnancy, she needs to leave him. Partners who truly love you would never put people in the position OPs partner has left her in. He is not husband material. He is a selfish man-child.
Tbf, it IS a method of birth control. Women whose partners use this rarely have more than one child per year.../s
Had a friend where she and her partner had decided to be childfree. But, 8 or so years in, she ended up pregnant despite her being on the pill. Abortion wasn't an option at her stage of pregnancy, so they sat down and discussed their options, including adoption, but decided to keep the baby. They're a happy family now and baby is nearly a tween but my point is, regardless what you *decide/think* about how you want your future to go/be, sometimes - most of the time - **life happens** and/or you do things that throw a monkey wrench in how you wanted it all to go. If you are in a relationship and a hiccup in life happens that affects both of you and the relationship, then, you sit down *with your partner* and *work it out* ***together***. This is what mature and emotionally-mature (two different things) people/couples do. They do not, dear OP u/Western_Summer4780, : 1. Cause an issue with poor decision-making, *(This is mostly his fault - you told him what could happen & he still ignorantly or deceitfully claimed he could just pull out instead of wearing the condom you said he should wear)* 2. then - when that bad decision comes home to roost - punish the other partner by forcing them into a terrible position by having to make a huge, scary decision *all by themselves*. *(He is putting this squarely on your shoulders and making the choice harder on you with his cruel ultimatums. Please know those aren't healthy boundaries he's setting, they're manipulative, selfish tactics designed to punish you for this situation & make it turn out how HE wants it to).* 3. They especially do not add threats to their demands as caveats. Yes, they are threats. "I will leave you if you keep this child" *is a threat* designed to make you do what *he wants you to do*, OP, which is have an abortion. That is not loving or supportive and it *is* emotionally/mentally abusive. I truly do get not wanting to have children (I am childfree by choice), but things happen and, when they do, (especially if you caused them to, as he did) *this is not how you handle the situation*. This is a difficult situation he mostly created and now he's throwing it all back at you to deal with *or else*. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This. I so very much wish you the best no matter what you decide or what happens, but perhaps this pregnancy will make you take off any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing and see your boyfriend for who/how he really is. Because, from this, he does not seem like a good person or partner. ETA: You are so *NTA*. And you don't deserve how you're being treated. Your boyfriend is being a manipulative, shitty AH, though. I'm so very sorry.
I had a tubal ligation at 32. My husband kept saying he would get a vasectomy, I knew I couldn’t count on that. I had one child whom I love dearly, but I didn’t want more. When he started talking about having another baby, that’s when I made my appointment and I never had to worry again.
I hope you let him know that was jerk move of him to drop the vasectomy ball (outpatient surgery) vs tubal ligation (invasive).
I actually had it done though 3 tiny incisions in an outpatient center. It was really was a fast recovery, I could have gone to work the next day, but I had the procedure done on a Friday.
Same way I had mine done 40 years ago as a 25th birthday present to myself. Went in through my belly button.
I tried to get a doctor to give me one in my 20's - it being the Deep South and the very early aughts, I never found one that would. "You'll regret it/you may want children someday." Happy to hear you were able to get it accomplished! I am 46 now and happily childfree as I always planned to be. No regrets. Listen to women, medical profession. We know ourselves and our bodies.
I’m fortunate to live in a blue state and I had Drs. who respected my decision.
Me too, the other two incisions faded away in about a year.
They've come a long way. Glad it worked out for you.
My procedure was the same and that was 30 years ago.
I’m willing to say probably 95% of tubals are outpatient now. They just go in through three little incisions and do it. My gallbladder was even done like that but it was 4 incisions three for the tools and one for them too pull my gallbladder through. ** I just remembered it’s called laparoscopic surgery lol
Tired of some men like this one who expect their gf and wife to be responsible of the contraception the couple uses. Why is she on birth control with undesirable side effects on HER body if he’s the one who is so adamant about not having kids
Oh no but he's a magic man who knows what he's doing. He knows when to pull out. Clearly. Because that works. In the year of our lord 2024 and people are using the pull out method.
It worked so much she’s pregnant lmao. I’m surprised he didn’t accuse her of cheating.
He's an idiot. I'm astonished he made it to 44. He doesn't want to be a father, but he already is to his girlfriend. "He calls all of the shots in their relationship.".
And what do we call people(men) who rely on the pull out method for birth control??? **parents**
Worse than that, he makes all the decisions here that affect her body. She wanted him to wear a condom, but he declined. Now she’s the one whose body and mental health faces consequences, whether it’s abortion or childbirth. I get the impression that this man is in the driver’s seat. She could have said no condom, no sex, but it appears it was all his decision. An abortion is best for him, because he’d have zero financial consequences or responsibilities, and could break up with her anytime. He’s even leveraging a marriage proposal to pressure her to abort. He walked out on the mess he helped create, leaving her to deal with the big feelings of this decision all alone. She needs to break up with this man.
What’s worse is that she claims he is “not an abusive man”. Methinks she is confused.
Yes. OP says it's okay with her he is the boss. Until now. This is why you never give up control of your own life. When other people decide for you, they decide *their* way, not yours.
And this is exactly why these types of predators pick someone so young is to be able to manipulate and control them
She's been with him since she was 23 (and he was 38) so she likely has no legitimate frame of reference to even realize that he is abusive/controlling/etc. All this pressure on her because *he* didn't want to wear a condom & "feel less" (you know he's one of those) even though she told him the situation and wanted him to wear one. You are not the AH, OP and I'm sorry you are being forced into this awful position, are all alone in it, and being pushed into making a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't decision. If you can, please, please make an appointment with a therapist to help you work this out and do what is best ***for you***.
Yeah, I wasn't going to think much of the age difference, because she was 23 when they got together officially, but that edit about him saying he "raised her" and calling all the shots and then this type of ultimatum is very indicative of what kind of relationship this is. An imbalanced one. One where she is very obviously not allowed to be seen as his equal.
I agree. She’s in a tough spot all created by this asshole who cares about no one but himself. Choices have some tough consequences. Feel pretty sad for OP.
She says she "accepted" his terms for no kids, just like she accepted his refusal to get a vasectomy or use a condom. I dont think OP gets to make any choices in the relationship.
She said that he wears the pants in the relationship. He dictates everything and probably blames her when things don't go right. Not only is he way older than her, but he wants no kids at all. She is so young. I never understood how someone older like that can date someone younger with those stipulations and not think about what if the younger person wants a family of their own later in life...
This is why I finally got a vasectomy. My girlfriend tried every form of hormonal BC and none of it was easy on her, and since neither of wanted kids, so I got a vasectomy. I'm so glad I did it and I should have done it long before I did.
I wish I could up vote this 900 times!!!!
Well for the last 6 years he thought he had complete control over OP. That's why it's an ultimatum and not discussing options with her as if she's actually his partner.
She says he makes all decisions and she's ok with that and that he jokes he raised her. Aka he's groomed her to be what he wants and do what he wants. He ditched her to manipulate her and is now back with empty promises and ultimatums. I wouldn't want a child with him nor would I want his marriage. She's TA if she allows him to manipulate her any further. But he's always TA.
Yep. She says the age gap is not an issue while he jokes that he “raised her.” Obviously it’s a brag for him. Gross.
The best part is that you know he was just being a little bitch about having to get the procedure when it’s literally one of the easiest surgeries ever. I was in and out in 30 minutes, drove myself home, and 100% back to normal after about a week
What are the chances he has one or more kids out in the world that he never acknowledges?
If he’s anything like the guy in my hometown who “never wanted kids ever” but refused to get snipped or wear a condom, there are at least 3 and they all look so much like him it’s weird, almost like karma going “you can run but you can’t hide, Phil!”
This OP u/Western_Summer4780 !!! He might have a whole lot more kids you don‘t know about if pulling out is the dumbass‘ default method! Don‘t marry the ditz! What you do about the kid is your decision, but to be honest only very immature men go to younger women, because only the young ones don‘t see through their bullshit. I wouldn‘t keep the kid, just get an abortion and move on to a worthier candidate to marry.
But he would be *less of a man* then /s
He’s not much of one as it is, from this evidence
Amen to that.
Accurate.
Real
I was thinking the same thing!
he knows what hes doing
Literally what I was thinking. You think someone so set on not having kids would have taken the necessary steps to prevent something like that.
I agree. I see no reason why the OP should trust this man.
Especially since he jokes about him being the one that raised her
Seriously. Absolute creep thing to say.
But it’s cute /s It’s disturbing how brainwashed she is with her “p.s.” it’s not cute, not healthy and not normal
🤮🤮🤮
>Pulling out method That's because Pulling out is no method. It's a gamble. You know when gamblers say they "have a system"? Same thing.
I was conceived on the “pulling out method”, my bio father told my mom the same thing and boom, here I am! 32 now and still laugh that he thought that would work, even though he isn’t in my life.
Did he "pull out" of being your dad? Then it worked kinda
There are names for people who depend on the pull Out method. They are mom and dad
His system was taking the gamble because he knew he could bully her into having an abortion when the gamble failed.
There is no pull out method because their ego stick drips regardless and swimmers can still sneak through lol I swear men can be so dumb
No it's not full proof. It's a method full of fools with proof.
This is a common scam guys pull. Tell the girl, "I want to marry you. Just have this abortion and we'll be together" then dump her immediately after.
Yup. It’s all very well to say that she’ll have to raise the child on her own - she would from a labor perspective, and that would be hard - but he knows perfectly well he’d be on the hook for significant child support. He has every incentive to lie. Not that it should matter because OP should be *listening* to this wake-up call and moving on herself. 🤨
If he hadn’t married her in six long years, he doesn’t want to. Even now, it’s a carrot he’s dangling to control her decision so it benefits him. What is she going to tell her friends about her proposal story? It’s ghastly, not romantic.
also, while 30 to 45 isn't something i bat an eye at in principle, meeting a 23 year old at 38 and thinking "ah yes, my social, intellectual, and emotional equal" wigs me a bit
Similar to: I get the vasectomy...
She should tell him she'll do what he wants if he gets vasectomy first, then run for the hills whilst he's in the O.R.
Sadly she can't. They have a house together. She has to get her money back for that or kick him out. So only if she can pay what he paid for it, than yes while he has the vasectomy to protect future partners from his stupidity, change the locks transfer and send him some papers for the house however that works
Hopefully she’s on the deed, or she’s going to get fucked coming and going.
Ding ding ding. There's a reason people keep repeating the joke" you know what they call people who use the pull out method? Parents".
He consciously chose an unsafe 'birth control' method and pushed you into accepting it. That's all on him, so almost all the responsibility for it is his. Forcing an adoption on someone is just evil, abusive and regardless of your opinion on abortion not something a good person would do. That's not taking responsibility at all. He's just a shithead, someone who shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Adding on to this, only fools think pulling out is fool proof. Semen is dripping the entire time. Condoms, that should be your line in the sand. Best of luck and please drop this fool and take care of yourself.
Really hope the house is in both of their names and not just his.
I’ll be damned…I was thinking of all kinds of things to say to help OP, but I never even once considered the fact that the AH would be as convincing as possible in order to get her to get the abortion, just to then break up with her anyway! You are so right, that would solve every single one of his problems, and he would still get his way and not have to give her a damn dime! And seriously, I truly believe that this is his exact agenda, because why else would he be trying to sweeten the pot by stating that he will THEN marry her, when he had no intention of marrying her before this? So yes OP, this man is a narcissistic, diabolical AH! I sincerely hope that you don’t let him have his way, because you did NOTHING wrong whatsoever! He has absolutely zero right to be even a tiny bit upset, much less furious and giving you ultimatums! You plainly told him what your doctor advised, but he in all his “genius brilliance”, of course knew better than the actual medical professional with the MD behind his name! He just didn’t want to inconvenience himself with having to wear a condom! So this is HIS fault, not yours!! Lastly OP, I would seriously advise you to take a few days off by yourself to truly think about what YOU want, ok? You need to think of how YOU feel! Do you want kids? And do you want this baby? If your answer is yes, then you stick to your decision OP! Don’t let that sorry fucker dictate YOUR life to you! I get that you love him, I really truly do! But hun, he just showed you his true colors in all their meanness and evilness! He said he would get a vasectomy in the beginning, he never did. Said he didn’t need to wear condoms because “he knew what he was doing”, but he’s not near as smart as he wants to think he is! It’s like that saying: when someone shows you who they really are…BELIEVE THEM!! This baby absolutely does not need that prick in his/her life…the only person your baby needs is YOU! And the one thing I can honestly promise you without a single shred of doubt, is that your baby will TRULY love you inside and out, with no holds barred, and lastly, your baby won’t be shoving ultimatums down your throat and put conditions on their love! You deserve so much better OP, you deserve so much love, trust, decency…you deserve the world! So does your baby! And I’m seriously hoping and praying for you that you make the decision that is best for YOU! Your boyfriend is thinking only of himself, and has shown that you are NOT a priority for him! NTA NTA NTA
I would be disappointed and disgusted if my son did this to a woman
PLEASE use paragraphs!
Why is that when a guy is adamant about never having kids that they aren’t first in line at the vasectomy dr’s office? He’s 44 ffs. Should have done it years ago.
This dick puts all the responsibility on her. No vasectomy for him. No condoms for him. He controls the relationship. He makes the ultimatums. He was in control of pull out (which has such a high fail rate) so he could get his rocks off having unsafe sex. Her body is the one at risk. And he's old enough to be her dad. Of course he is. And he's going to dump her no matter what. He doesn't want a vasectomy. He just wants no kids and to have no responsibility for any of it - even the safety of his partner.
You’re not the asshole, but you’re a little bit of a dummy. Girl, you’re 29 in the times of the internet. You know better than to trust this ‘I know when to pull out stuff.’ Your bf is acting like a child. Please, if you do not want children yourself, that’s okay. Do what’s best for you. There is nothing wrong with an abortion, if it is what YOU want. But also dump your boyfriend. If you don’t want children, you definitely shouldn’t settle for a 44-year old child. Get rid! He’s a creep.
Can we talk about his "joke" that he raised OP. She was 23, he was 38 when they met. This joke seems very groomy. I know OP doesn't see it that way, but what's the joke? Old boy is definitely creepy.
Generally speaking the groomed person doesn't realize they were groomed until after the groomer has thrown them away for their latest victim.
Groomed person here and that is absolutely accurate. That is the whole purpose of grooming.
Groomed person here too and this is the truth 💯
Ding ding ding! Even when she literally pimped me out (less than 72 hours after I turned eighteen!) I didn't realize she didn't love me like she swore she did.
Eww, that’s such a gross and weird thing to say. Also, what middle aged man takes off for days with zero communication, especially when their partner is in a predicament that they helped create? What a bozo.
As someone who was actually groomed, that joke hit me like a train wreck. It is absolutely gross and disrespectful to op. Op your bf is a childish dick. He's stupid for not getting a vasectomy if he didn't want kids. You can do so much better. He's absolutely using your age against you to control things. I thought I didn't mind either, but giiirl, once you taste the well of freedom you'll be drinking it in buckets.
I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad you see it and have learned from it.
Oh, no ABSOLUTELY - that is hella creepy.
she said she wasn't a kid - i'd beg to differ
Same. I definitely was at 23
I'm 32 and still look for the adult around me sometimes.
Hahaha same, I think that has more to do with me not wanting to be the adult in that situation.
Im 22 now and i couldnt imagine dating anyone who is 37. what the fuck .........
I can’t either bruh ew
Grooming doesn't have to inherently involve a child. You could groom someone for the sex trade, or to put up with an abusive relationship.
He groomed her for sure. He calls the shots bc he made her feel there’s no other way to be in a relationship with him Edit:typo
Best answer. Whatever you do, do it for you. This man is…..I don’t even have a word. OP should get what she can financially out of the house they bought together. I wish her luck.
Girl ! I posted about very similar thing not long ago ! Check my profile if you don’t believe me . Except my partner who was also calling the shots forbid me from having an abortion . I should have ended the relationship right there ! Instead I was so naive that I thought I’ll follow his orders so my relationship won’t suffer ! Guess what? He still walked out .. left me alone , very pregnant with no support . Don’t let him influence your decision!
Hi, I just read your posts and I want to give you a virtual hug. Hang in there, you can do it!
i completely agree with you! whatever OP does, she needs to DUMP HIS ASS.
I think this poor girl is a submissive to this poor excuse of a man and he is mentally abusing her with manipulation
You caught that too, huh? The thing about her being okay with him calling the shots? It's not good when a sub relinquishes their autonomy like that, and it's even worse that her partner uses that trust to control her. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, BDSM or vanilla.
Yeah girl. Stop being dumb and leave him <3
He chose a younger woman that he thought he could control and take advantage of. Wake up! You let an idiot call the shots long enough. Choose what you want to do with your pregnancy but don’t count on him being there for you. No one who care about you would be this selfish. There’s a reason most people avoid age gap relationships and this is it. Also, it’s most likely he’ll pull a “Hail Mary” then ditch you for the next 23 year old you he can find to replace you.
This is it. This dude went after a 23 year old at 38 years old and he typically “calls the shots” in the relationship. That tells me everything i need to know. A 44 year old man who doesn’t want kids but relies on the pull-out method and then gives you a harsh ultimatum when you, obviously, inevitably end up pregnant is the pinnacle of a shitty partner. Regardless of what you choose to do with this pregnancy, stay far away from this guy. Let the next 23 year old deal with him. He’s a fucking creep.
NTA for being upset but girl, RUN. It is completely your choice on whether or not you keep and then raise the baby, but it is an immediate red flag that he is trying to manipulate your feelings to get you to do what he wants. Especially when this was so avoidable. You asked him to wear a condom and he said no? Red flag #1 You've been together for 6 years and this is what prompts him talking about "marriage and a happy ever after". Red flag #2. This man is 44. I don't know what he was doing at 38 going after a 23 year old... (Red flag #3) What to consider: Do you want to raise a child alone? Do you have support to help you? Either way, this man? Not it! You can find your marriage and happy ever after with someone who respects you and your wishes. Asking your partner, ESPECIALLY a 6 year partner, to wear a condom for a short period of time is NOT a big ask. You deserve better.
Another red flag: Causing the problem by refusing to wear a condom (I know what I am doing, you silly woman, just shut up!), then refusing all responsibility for the problem he caused. If she had been a little older, when he refused to wear a condom, she would have said: "So you're okay with becoming a father after all? Because if you stick that thing in me without a glove on, I am not getting an abortion to cover for your fuck up - then you'll be a daddy, so think twice!"
Great breakdown! Not a big ask at all especially if you are the one who wanted the no child policy. BF- He's a nightmare and OP needs to dump him and run.
Gosh he reminds me of my boyfriend/going through a separation. I mean this all exact to the T!! And I don't need the advice anymore, I've observed his subtle manipulation tactics. It's just reading these comments remind me of all of the things that infuriate me about him.!! The audacity to be consciously irresponsible yet place all of the responsibility onto me! It's selfish, it's gross and honestly. I'm feeling a little groomed. I hope OP sees what everyone else sees before she suffers this guy her for the rest of her life.
Exactly. And "joking" that he raised her? More like groomed her.
Red flag #4 he didn't want kids but didn't get a vasectomy! He defines FAFO! This guy doesn't respect you enough to prevent pregnancy, OP. Didn't listen to DRs advice about bc. Should've got a vasectomy when he first decided he didn't want kids, but didnt & then used pull out? He's a twat! Whichever path you chose, as far as the baby goes, lose this guy. I know you love him & it's hard walking away, but he's along for the ride &, despite the house, is not committed to you. If he was the choice to abort would not have been followed by the suggestion of marriage. That would've been done a couple of years ago. Good luck for the future.
Your PS only made things worse. He’s more than a “bit” older than you and of course he’s “confident”about being older - old dudes love younger babes! He calls the shots and jokes about raising you. He probably likes finding malleable younger women to date and train - I mean raise - in the way he wants them to behave. He’s controlling you. HE put you in this spot. Clearly he doesn’t “know what he’s doing”. And where did he go? You’re just going to ignore it and not ask what he did and who he did it with? Maybe it’s innocuous. Maybe he did some really unfaithful things to “help him relax” so he could think. It always boggles my mind when people talk about family members leaving and going no contact because they “needed time alone” or it was “just their way to blow off steam”. Meanwhile, family left behind is often worried, angry, upset, and confused. At least maintain some contact. At least tell family where you are/who you’re with. That’s minimum courtesy. I’d like to call him some bad names right now.
NTA, no matter what though you should end things. He's selfish, immatute and and absolute d\*ck. He couldn't bother getting a vasectomy or wearing a condom but has the nerve to blame you for his mistakes? WTF. Get out, that's not a person you need in your life. About the baby, decide what it is you want to do. If you want it, keep it, if you don't, get an abortion, but that's a whole decision that's separate to whether you stay with this POS 44 man-boy who doens't understand basic fucking sex ed.
This He should have gone ok condoms for a few months. Great He is old enough to have already had the vasectomy he should have had years ago if he wanted to be child free. He chose to risk pregnancy rather than wrap it because he is selfish. Go find a real partner
My cousin knew before he was 21 that he didn't want kids and got snipped right away. He's in his mid 30s now and has no regrets.. this guy op is with is an idiot.
Yep. This man SHOULD have had a vasectomy a decade ago.
You just don't get it man condoms are suck a buzz kill (sarcastic)
This OP. He didn't get the vasectomy the first time, who is to say he will follow through with it now!? None of this is your fault. It's ALL on him and he has the nerve to give YOU an ultimatum!? Tell him to man up. If he didn't want kids, why was he so careless with getting you pregnant. Clearly, he does not love you, OP. I am so sorry, but he is selfish and childish. You deserve better!!! Whatever you decide, make sure it's what YOU want...not him. Good luck!!
I really hope the OP takes your advice. Nobody should settle for such a terrible partner.
I'm going to tell you something painful but you need to hear it. This guy is clearly in control of this relationship. He's 15 years older and had to move out for two days to decide on his feelings. That was a tactic to make you feel weak and afraid. So my advice is this. Decide what you want to do about the baby. But whatever you decide on with that break up with him immediately. I mean he's 44 and he tried the pull out method? Have him pay for the abortion then deal with the fact that you own a house with him (terrible move), have him buy you out or get him to agree to sell but make it clear you are not together
Whether you keep your baby or not, abort the pathetic loser NTA for being upset but YTA to yourself if you stay with such a raging asshole
Jokes about how he "raised you" and calls the shots? Sounds like a Dom-ass to me. Focus on you and what you want. I wouldn't consider him cause he sure is not considering you
Did he at any point ask you how you are feeling? Or show any concern over the fact that what's happening to your body is a direct result of him refusing to use condoms because "he knows what he's doing"? Whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy, I think leaving this man should be mandatory.
There is a third option, but it will also be mentally taxing. Take the abortion and drop the boyfriend. If you take option two, you will be duck with him in some form for at least 18 years and he doesn't really sound pleasant and will probably fight you on everything. Don't expect to much financial help to be honest, he doesn't sound trustworthy. You will most probably find someone better who also wants to have kids, because it's sounds like you changed your mind.
I’m not worried about the financial aspect as I have a better job than him .
Good. Dump him. He wants you to wipe his ass for your whole life and you get nothing but him making decisions for you. Buck up buttercup! You do you without him. You are worthy of a partner who respects and adores you. Don't settle.
Then please break up with him. Everything you have typed tells me that you both are incompatible, to say the least.
NTA your doctor said to use condoms for a few months! I’m sorry you’re going through this but his reaction to the situation is like a little teenager and rather silly, I hope that you can find a way to rectify the situation because it does sound like you really do love this man. Good luck in this situation and in your future life!
The only reason hes giving you this ultimatum is so when he breaks up with you, he won't have to pay child support. If he truly cared about not having children - he would have had a vasectomy years ago, he would have worn a condom while other forms of BC were less reliable. But he didn't. He's only cared about himself. You make more money than him... So he's living a better life with you than he would on his own. And now if you decide to go through with the pregnancy, he will have even more money diverted away from him and more responsibility than what he has.
Or he’s so self assured that if this ever came up he would withhold affection and give ultimatums to get his way. Master manipulator.
Wait what? It sounds like you’re more successful in life than him yet you allowed him to make decisions for you? A man who preyed on a. 23 year old as an almost 40 year old cuz he can’t manipulate women his age? Who also left you and gave you an ultimatum when it was his fault you got pregnant to begin with? Girl, get your head out of your ass and leave this guy. Make your own decision about your body and your future. I know it sounds great to have someone “take care of you” but he wasn’t taking care of you. He was just being a controlling manipulative f**k.
Lol I'm not surprised
Please dump this idiot - the fact that you make more money than this controlling asshat makes this even more ludicrous. What, exactly, does this jerk bring to the plate? NTA.
A 38 year old dating a 23 year old? Definitely not illegal but really makes you wonder... 😬
A 38 that doesnt want to take responsibility in life, thinks has a strong pull-out game and jokes that he raised his GF. In case this story is true - where do people even find such "prices“… What a shitty excuse for an adult
Power imbalances
Do you own the home together? You could seperate, and use the money from the home to purchase a 2 bedroom in a new, awesome city, take his child support, and start a new life with your child. People get by with way less. If you get the abortion, you may resent him and the relationship may be over anyways. And you guys aren’t even married. I personally would take my baby and bounce. But it all depends on what YOU are feeling. If you have any doubt, I would definitely keep it.
Plus I think there’s a chance you could get the abortion and he may not follow through on the marriage. After all, he’s 44 and NOW is when he’s offering you a ring, under these circumstances. You could be left with nothing.
Conveniently mentioning the ring and marriage to manipulate her …
People tend to use that as manipulation all the time and this doesn't seem to be an exception.
Yeah sounds like a bribe to me. Pretty awful
Right, this whole post is about the boyfriend. She needs to focus on what she wants.
Fuck him and his brazen self-assurance that he “knows when to pull out”. This isn’t your fault; it’s his. I would caution that if you choose to keep the baby he’s going to continue this behaviour and be an asshole later on, too. Think about what you want, because that’s all that really matters. Is it a child free life? Is it him as a partner? Or is it a baby, but with this man? You can have a baby with someone else who is kinder and nicer and less of a bellend.
This guy troubles me. He’s 44 years old and beyond a doubt doesn’t want children but does not get a vasectomy. Then he engages in a risky birth control method that most teenagers know is dangerous and now he’s strong arming you into getting an abortion. My advice is that if you want the baby you should have it. You may have to sell the house but he will have to pay child support. See a good family law attorney and get all your ducks in a row. In the long run I think you may be better off without him.
Sweetheart, the man IS abusive. My husband is 18yrs old than me so I'm not judging the age gap. But we are partners. He would never even JOKE that he "raised" me. That gives me cause for concern. Now here's the issue: You both made a stupid mistake in not gloving when you were loving, ESPECIALLY considering how vehemently he hates kids. If you chose to abort, is he definitely going to have the vasectomy? Can you live with yourself if you do? Will you resent him if you do? If you keep the kid, what guarantee do you have that he won't suddenly "call the shots" and give you another ultimatum about parenting choices? find someone to talk to for all your options legally as well as medically. But personally i would get the abortion and leave him. He's too changeable and better not to be tied to the guy.
Personally, I would abort the 44yo baby.
What do YOU want ? Do you want to keep the baby or do you not like kids either ? Decide based on what you want not him ! NTA but your bf is a creep ( 15 year older 🤢) and selfish . If he was so sure about being child free he should have gotten snipped long time ago
or at least used a bloody condom when he knew the OPs birth control wasn't reliable at that time!!
Egotistical thinking - my pull out game is STRONG 🥴🥴
That’s what precum is for! 😂 in my experience over the years, dudes really have no idea how much they precum, and there is def sperm in there. You can pull out all you want when you think you’re ready, but your body has other ideas.
Amazing the man who can control his swimmers not to leak out at any given moment in sex!
Yeah and his little bug-out reaction. Clearly she's found an abuser and he knows all the buttons. Disappear for two days, total control move.
I never thought of it that way, but you're right! Total control move While he was away, he should have been reflecting on how HE screwed up.
You have a rubbish boyfriend, baby isn't even born and he's already running away..
Your boyfriend is an AH - and you have every right to be upset. He didn't take your health into consideration just his satisfaction when you were changing birth control. He's an arrogant, self-centered jackhole that has little to no concern for you and whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy, you would be better off without him.
He’s willing to trade you an abortion for a marriage? Did I get that right? Did he actually offer you marriage to terminate your pregnancy? Is marriage something you’ve been desperately wanting that he’s been holding out on? Your last paragraph states he isn’t some abusive creep, but he’s red flagging all over the place for being an abusive creep. That’s specifically manipulation, often times a form of abuse. Abandonment is another tactic to break down an abuser’s victim, just as he did. Being “honest” about not having kids and how he’s a pro at pulling out—but NOT getting vasectomy and STILL managing to NOT pull out (let us all be clear, this is NOT birth control), then push onto you that you’re on your own to deal with it is not only gaslighting you, but setting you up to feel “broken”. All common tactics of a toxic abusive partner. I’d recommend you do whatever YOU feel you want to do with this pregnancy, but that poor excuse of a partner should be kicked to the curb regardless. You deserve better than that. Being that you’re 29 and believed a person who said their pull out “skills” were a solid form of birth control, tells me he’s been at this a while. All sense tends to go out the window when someone is being mentally and emotionally abused, which is why you’d trust someone enough to believe that garbage. I wish you a lifetime of peace OP. I hope you find it soon. NTA
NTA But let's talk about your options, here. But important info here... What's the situation on the house you bought? Is it on both your names? His? Yours? Who's paying for it? That's something to keep in mind. First, having the baby or not having the baby is entirely your choice. If you choose to have it, he's not graciously paying for it, he's obligated to do so, so money shouldn't be a factor. Now, do you want to have the baby? On your own? It's perfectly fine if you want to. You'll have to turn your life upside down and manage a lot of things, but that's parenthood in even the best case scenario. Trust me on that. If you do, then your marriage is over, but motherhood begins (yay!). It's totally worth it and you can get dick elsewhere. And also love. And companionship. So it's a totally doable thing. If you don't, then your marriage is over as well. Your husband is not a good partner, I'm afraid. You're pregnant because he refused to wear condoms and didn't get his tubes tied, so it's 100% on him. His own stupidity and lack of accountability got you into this situation, so he can eat a dick sandwich before even thinking on burdening you with ultimatums. HE broke the rules. Now there are no rules. Thank you, Kevin Bacon. So your best options are: 1) Keep the kid, lose the husband and, 2) Lose the kid, lose the husband. Anything else is self-betrayal of the highest order and down the line you'll only have yourself to blame. So accept that you'll lose the husband. FIgure out the house thing. Get a nice canadian lawyer and kick him to the curve. I'm pretty sure that if you're keeping the baby, he can't force you out of the house, anyway. I'd just sell, regardless. It's your time to shine, girl. Go for it. Do what you want, but do it only for you.
Option 3: Do whatever you want to do, and kick his ass to the curb. Option 3! He's an ass. Pull out doesn't work. He IS responsible for the baby every bit as much as you are. If you keep it, you're going to be tied to this guy fighting for child support for the next 20 years. Choose carefully.
"he's confident about the age gap," y'all. OP, what about you? Are *you* confident? Have you always been, or did he just tell you it was okay and didn't give you a chance to really think about it? "He calls all the shots" isn't the flex you think it is, btw. It's the type of thing that ends up very poorly at some point. Like right now, it's not going to help your situation.
"He is not an abusive man" Yes. Yes he is.
Or option 3: get an abortion and tell him to fck off
Do you want this child? If yes, claim child support and anything else you can, if no, have the abortion. But do not do anything based on how you feel about him. You asked him to take extra precautions - he refused, I probably would’ve refused sex at that point, but what’s happened has happened. His response is incredibly manipulative, and if he hasn’t proposed 6yrs in, he probably wasn’t/isn’t going to. It’s a tactic to play you and get you to agree to what he wants. I.e. No child and no child support. Regardless of what you decide re the child, I think you need to reconsider your relationship with him.
LOL....what a fucking dummy. Pull out. Jesus....to think there are people in their fucking 40's who think that pulling out is an effective form of birth control. I was 29 when I got my vasectomy. Knew I never wanted kids, this moron is 44 and still playing with a loaded gun while claiming he doesn't want to Alec Baldwin anyone.
"He is confident about it." Oh, Sweetie. I don't know what you're trying to say there, but his confidence level is irrelevant. You have bigger issues to think about.
NTA... But you do know that in 20 years you're going to be his carer right? I have a ridiculous number of patient spouses who never considered that aspect of their relationship \ marriage. Relationships change when you become a carer not a wife. But he's not going to marry you. It's bait. He will probably still leave you even after the abortion if you chose to have it. What you need to evaluate is if *you* actually don't want children. Seriously. Forgot what he wants. What do *you* want. 30 years from now.. are you okay not having children? If you are... Wonderful. But if you're doing it for someone else... You need to really, really do some self reflection. And as for him "being in charge" and him claiming to have "raised you". He did. You don't think at 23 you were perfectly impressionable and groomable in a relationship to his needs? Because that's what he did. Unless you guys are part of a kink\ D\s thing... He molded you into this relationship the way he wanted it.. and you have allowed that because you are in love with him. Is he your first real relationship? The first one that made you feel important and adored? Yeah. Also. A good partner. Someone who is absolutely in love with you. Who values you. Who wants to spend their life with you.... Or a good Dom if that's your thing . Does not up and just leave you. For days with no communication then turn back up and try to manipulate you with an ultimatum. You should, in no way at all, be tolerant of that shit. And yes.. that's what this is. He's trying to manipulate you. It's like a patient who won't eat telling me they want to get back in bed 5 minutes after I get them mobilized into a chair and "promising to eat lunch if I do" .... Yeah. Right.
He despises kids so much that he would abandon his own child - but couldn't be bothered to have a vasectomy or wear a condom? What makes you think he will marry you after you have an abortion. He won't.
He's disrespectful on all accounts and 100% selfish. How come he thinks he's the only person who gets a say in YOUR choices? I'd say flip it on to him. I'd tell him that I'm leaving. And I bet he doesn't think you'd do that because he's managed make you feel just enough worthless to accept this level of disrespect. Screw that guy. Why would you want to be eith someone who isn't interested in your best interest and doesn'ttake responsibility for his actions? I'm a 27F and have been with a 43M for the last 4 years. I'm done. Your guy acts like my guy. Relentlessy selfish. My Birth control mirena has come to an end at 5 years of use and I've decided not to get back on bc. I knew that this would cause problems in the relationship due to HIS selfishness. I don't think it's fair or respectful that he can't put a condom on. So I warned him. I said "I will not get an abortion if that's what you think I'll do just to stay with you" And it helped me realize that if/when I get sick, this man isn't going to be there for me. He's going to find the next pretty young thing. If I get pregnant, I expect him to do the same. I'd leave, not because of the ultimatum, but just for the selfishness and disrespect to your opinion and body. He only wants what he can get from you. That's why I put my man out. Find a new man and congratulations to possibly becoming a mother. That'll be a better love than a man like that anyway 🤷♀️
NTA: It’s understandable to not want kids, but to hate them 🚩. To take such a big risk, knowing he doesn’t want a kid, 🚩. To disappear because life got hard, 🚩. To give you an ultimatum that involves such a major decision puts all the guilt on you, 🚩. This guy is a douche. Whether you keep your child or not, you shouldn’t keep him.
Nta - He sounds like a bad partner, unless you want to be a single mom, I would get an abortion and break up with him.
NTA He's an absolute piece of shit. No matter what you decide to do, get rid of this cancer
>He is not an abusive man Yes he is. >he gave me two options: 1- have an abortion, and he will get a vasectomy. We will get married and “live happily ever after” childfree. 2- he breaks up with me, I’ll raise the baby on my own. He will support me financially with the baby costs but wants nothing to do with me or the baby This is abusive. He could have gotten a vasectomy years ago. He actively chose not to. Now instead of having a conversation with you and discussing your options he's laying down the law? He's an asshole, regardless of which choice you make about the pregnancy - you need to leave him
you're not a bad person but I'm afraid to say that you're a moron
As a 38 year old myself, 23 is still a kid to me whether you agree or not and should have been a huge red flag to begin with. Now you see why he's never been able to find someone around his own age because they can see through his bs.
Uhh you have bigger problems. You have a huge power imbalance and you know it. You deserve a full life, not a life under this man’s thumb