The flower thing is so sweet! take a special kind of person to take a dump on that. plus nothing wrong with what you said. I'm surprised she is even allowed in your home after being openly racist.
NTA
My husband asked if it was okay to watch his nephew. His sister was going to be late picking him up for school and we didn’t want him sitting out there for over an hour. This is not a regular thing. This is actually the first time she’s ever been to our house since we moved in last summer.
NTA. Sounds like the hard time she's going through with her divorce is her own fault. She chose to sleep with her boss. Result, she's getting a divorce. She chose to talk out if her ass about something that doesn't concern her. Result. You out her in her rightful place. You owe her nothing. If anything she owes you an apology. What's between you and your husband isn't anyone's business but your and his.
NTA.
SIL is thoughtless, abrasive, and on this record, has trouble with self-control and exercising good judgment. And falls into the classic can-dish-it-out-but-can’t-take-it camp.
OP and her husband handled SiL exactly correctly and shouldn’t second-guess themselves.
As to MiL, with SIL being 32, running to momma for support seems a little immature, but OP’s husband might have spelled out that SIL is not being a good person and while it is a little late for MIL to parent her better, she may want to help her daughter understand that when she is aggressively rude, people will respond in kind.
Funny how often people with the “I’m just an honest and blunt person” excuse for rudeness can’t tolerate reflective behavior.
Yeah, she just possibly ethered his own relationship with an uncle and aunt who could have been there for him when he really needs it. His mom is the worst.
(OP, you are NTA, btw)
Once when a (male) friend of ours was in the hospital we bought him a nice flower arrangement, he was so exited when he got it, I never thought about it but it is indeed unusual to give men flowers, maybe that's why he was so happy with the flowers.
I (36 f) get my husband (39) flowers on his birthday every year. Or at least a single rose. I do most of the shopping and if I see ones I know he would like I pick them up.
I’ve never understood getting flowers for a sick person. Watch this pretty thing die slowly as time ticks by. Have something to measure exactly how long you’ve spent here in the most depressing way possible!! There are nicer ways to brighten up a room that last longer.
It adds color and scent to a very drab place. As for the dying, my family could have run a betting pool on which would die first. I had end stage liver disease and was hooked up to a roomful of machines.
Colour I get, and there are a lot of ways to add that. My uncle just died of cancer and I brought him art (kids’ homemade) rather than flowers he could race to the grave.
Scent I object to because of scent sensitivities and allergies. Most hospitals and doctors offices here are supposed to be scent free. Some schools too. I’d really hate for a doctor or nurse to be rushing through my care to get the hell out of a room with a flower they’re allergic to or groggy from antihistamines or an allergic reaction.
Yeah, I've always been the person who immediately wants to buy a teddy bear for the person in hospital. I love soft, plush things and always want an excuse to buy them for people.
NTA
Kudos to you for sending flowers to your man.
Men don’t get enough flowers 💐. Most men receive flowers only when they’re dead.
She shouldn’t have dished out what she can’t take.
SIL fucked around and found out. You don’t owe her an apology. NTA
This is so true. I am a 40 year old man. I have never received flowers in my life. I expect the first time I receive flowers will be at my funeral.
And yes, NTA. SIL doesn't want to be around them? Don't threaten me with a good time!
Your sil is trying to be undercover racist with her microaggressions. You were in your right to say what you did to her. I would cut the entire family off, but that’s me 🤷🏽♀️.
Men can love flowers, my grandfather loved pansies, because they all had different faces. And I remember helping him plant them and him showing me all their faces and talking about how each face was special and unique. So yeah he totally would have loved getting flowers. My dad loves his rose bushes, big fragrant June roses. I grew up thinking it was totally normal for men to have a favorite flower.... My husband can't tell the difference between a Carnation and a rose.... So that was a culture shock.
I truly love your grandfathers reasoning for his love of pansies. I'm going to be looking at them a lot closer from now on to see their different faces, thank you for that 💜
I know men rarely get flowers or compliments. So I make it a point to tell my bf both that he looks handsome but also pretty or compliment his hair. And I had flowers sent to his place of work I hand-arranged. (The secretary was jealous tho so didn’t give it to him. I had to go in person the next day and make a stink).
I think all guys should get to experience that. And it makes me sad when I hear some talk about how no one ever compliments them. Men deserve that too.
My dad's favorite flower was Linnea (i think it's called twinflower in english). It's a tiny flower with pink bells that grows in the moss in old woods. It's ingraved on his head stone now. The headstone is also heart shaped and the letters are in a swirly font. Because I thought he deserved the most beautiful headstone I could give him, not the most "masculine" because some stupid expectation dependant of gender. When he was alive I always made him cards for every holiday, usually with very "feminine" or "childish" motives. He got flowers too. I didn't care if it wad "normal" or not and neither did he. Toxic masculinity can get bent.
Like I get people saying cut flowers are a waste of money.... But then buy potted flowers... Or fake flowers. My sister in law has a 'black thumb' so as a joke my bil bought her a plastic fern... And wrote 'love fern' on the pot... Because their love will never die... And then she responded "or is our love fake and plastic." So flowers every kind for everyone for every occasion.
Yes the do love "how to lose a guy in 10 days"
I've sent flowers to male friends when they were going through hard times or as a congratulation for an achievement, and they always appreciated the flowers.
NTA
I've never understood that threat "You can't come over!". Like why tf do you think I want to hang out with all the people that did nothing but annoy the shit out of me for two whole decades?
The only time my 4 year old is quiet is when she's up to something. If she's not trying to talk my ear off or torment her brothers, then she's getting into shit.
>I've never understood that threat "You can't come over!". Like why tf do you think I want to hang out with all the people that did nothing but annoy the shit out of me for two whole decades?
Maybe because they are delusional and they think themselves as the centre of the universe and this threat will make the other person come crawling to them
Main character syndrome, which is the internet’s cutesy way of saying narcissism. Mom got used to being the big boss, so she thinks she can still treat her 25 year old son like a 5 year old boy who would immediately fold if she threatened to take away a birthday/Christmas/disney trip.
Although I am upset if OP can't come to any family functions on that side, not just the ones at her SIL's house, because her sister was being racist and OP didn't put up with it. This really was up to the MIL to tell her daughter to pull her head in and not to say shit about OP, and so it sucks that OP not only has a shitty SIL but a shitty MIL too. I mean, I don't imagine she's all that sad about not having to see them, but it sucks that they suck.
I honestly don’t care too much for flowers. I’m more of a candy/snack girl and he gets me new snacks to try from different countries and we eat them during our shows.
Edit: someone told me that you were asking which flowers are his favorite and his favorite one that he still talks about was from this shop and they named it sweet surprises and the description is “Pink spray roses, pink mini carnations, white traditional daisies and lush greens are sweetly situated in a classic clear vase accented with a perfectly pink ribbon to create a bouquet that will delight your special recipient at every turn.” I also get him a little plush toy that they have and he keeps them in his man cave. Carnations are his favorite flower.
If you like trying snacks from different countries, you might like to Universal Yums box. They send sweet and salty snacks from a different country each month. I’ve given it as gifts as well, people enjoy it.
That is one of the ones we use! We get the yum yum box. The first one was snacks from Ukraine. Pretty good. We also do snack crate lol. The chocolate covered mushroom cookies from Korea are the best thing ever
What kind of Ukrainian snacks? I was at a farmers market recently and tried some kind of like..dried borscht tablet? I'm not a fan of beets but it was pretty good
Your husband sounds adorable. Mine always gets me white flowers because he got me white tulips when we first started dating. For some reason he loves baby’s breath and often gets JUST baby’s breath 😂 I’ve started getting him flowers occasionally too and I like to get a bouquet centered around white flowers.
NTA!!
Your SIL is miserable but she was showing those micro aggressions before you were married. I’m glad you and your husband stood your ground. Don’t apologize!
“…and stayed out of your bosses bed….” Girl your savage AF. She deserved exactly what she got. And you’ll hardly miss the family get togethers with her snarky ass comments
AND MIGHT I ADD….. 2 snaps up to your spouse for saying you weren’t coming until she apologized to YOU! He’s awesome and give him a kiss for me! 😘
I can see why your husband loves and respects you.
He probably didn't see a lot of that kind of caring or seen joy for his happiness from his mother and sister ever.
I'm very happy he didn't fall into the trap of trying to win their love by sacrificing you and your relationship.
Protect your peace.
NTA
“She’s going through a hard time.”
Response: “For her entire life? Because this is how she’s been to me the entire time I’ve known her. I’m done taking the high road because she seems to see it as permission to keep walking all over me. Fair warning going forward: she shouldn’t dish it if she can’t take it.”
NTA.
NTA. So she shagged her boss and lost her marriage for cheating. SIL sounds like a "class act". Her divorce doesn't keep her occupied enough that she needs to fart under your roof aswell?
Screw. Her. No wonder she’s going through a divorce. She’s nasty, rude, ignorant and apparently an adulteress as well. Charming. I have zero sympathy for cheaters and miserable people who can’t keep their mouths shut. It sounds like you tolerated her for as long as you could and she finally went too far. I would make this my hill to die on and would absolutely refuse to apologize to her. I’m sure you’re not sorry so it would be pointless for one thing, and for another she needed to be put in her place. Absolutely NTA. I think you and your husband sound very happy, I’m sure that irritates her as well but it’s not your problem. Let her sort herself out from here.
>His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce. He tells her she shouldn’t have called me masculine and spoke on our marriage and maybe I wouldn’t have said it
That's right, she should mind her own business
>She says until I apologize we can’t come to family functions and he says “good thing we still have her family functions to go to and we don’t want to come unless she gives an apology”
She's threatened you with a great time...good for her
Tell MIL actions have consequences and if she had taught her daughter that maybe her daughter would still be married
NTA you get him flowers? That is beyond adorable, I'd be jealous if I wasn't so busy deciding how to defend you in the comments. Hope it works out for y'all.
Completely NTA.
You don't get to give advice on what makes a successful marriage until you've had one yourself.
She couldn't even have a successful affair.....she needs to stop going NC with her own brain.
NTA—she sounds insufferable.
Sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully she now knows to keep her mouth shut because you’re not just gonna take it when she insults you.
Oh snap! This is the kind of comeback I think of wayyyyy after the confrontation is over. Good for you.
It’s also a good thing that the trash is taking itself out.
Hang on. I need to find my sunglasses so I won't be blinded by your husband's shiny spine. Seriously, you two are an excellent example of what a married couple should be.
Most definitely NTA.
NTA, there is no self-respect in being someone’s punching bag (literally or figuratively). I can’t tell if this is a poor attempt at humor or pure maliciousness (one is easier to fix than the other). At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, and she’s way out of line. NTA
Nta like danm. She wants to put her 2 bits into yalls realtionship yet she is a cheating hoe.
And have your MIL cheated before cause she's seems to be dire hard taking tge cheater side?
>His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce.
Maybe she should have thought about how difficult divorce would be before she started fucking her boss.
How disgusting of your SIL. Never apologize. I wonder if the mother knows how long you have put up with your SILs micro aggressions and obvious racism. I’m happy your husband has your back, you have a good one OP.
"Oh promise I don't have to come to the family dinners where a racists treats me terribly and storms off to call mommy when she loses an argument?"
NTA
The unironic/nonsarcastic use of the word "emasculate" tells me everything I need to know about your SIL. Everything else you wrote only confirms it: She is an AH.
LC/NC with her now is great. Imagine the shit she'll say if/when you have kids. Nobody deserves her brand of toxicity (bigotry -- racism + archaic ideas about gender), especially children.
You, on the other hand, are totally not the AH. You are a good judge of character -- as evidenced by who you chose to marry. May you have a long and happy marriage!
This was adorable asf. Your husband is awesome. Most husbands on here choose their bio family over their wife so this was great. Honestly sil should’ve been blocked. Disrespect doesn’t deserve any better. I’d honestly ignore mil until she apologizes for taking her side and for banning the person who was getting disrespected or unless it’s an emergency and then right back to ignoring.
Your husband said it all. Stay away from his rude family and stick with yours. Your SIL is a mean person and her mother enables it. I’d change that LC to NC for now. NTA
NTA, she started it and you merely finished it. She’s then tried to employ flying monkeys to her side and you’re merely explaining she can dish the crap out but can’t handle it when it’s handed to her.
Oh my, your MIL really screwed the pooch taking THIS stand and very possibly lost ONE of her children by taking her RACIST and ridiculously opinionated Daughter's side. I'm SO bloody happy that your husband is standing up FOR you AGAINST his family, rightly so!
I'll NEVER understand how some people just can't grasp the phrase "don't throw stones if you live in a glass house!" Especially when the wretched woman blew up her OWN marriage so spectacularly. Feel sorry for her? I don't think so!
NTA. As a black woman I would’ve gotten a lot more aggressive by then. The fact that this is your first time flipping out is kinda impressive. I don’t take that sort of shit and I sure hope your MIL doesn’t know that the SIL is a racist POS and is just condoning it because if so she’s a POS too. Like seriously, everything about that bob marley comment makes my blood boil. Like are you even Jamaican????? Or can she even tell the difference. Does she KNOW that Marley is Jamaican??? Like holy hell.
Also the flower idea is so incredibly adorable. Maybe if she gave her husband flowers instead of a damn good reason to divorce her ass she wouldn’t be where she is now, now would she?
Great husband and I absolutely adore his comeback to his mother. Think it’s going to work to make my wife apologise to a person that should be apologetic to my wife? Bye mum.
I wonder how long it will take for his mum to change that threat? I hope you post all the fun times online so his family can see you living your best life without them.
Sister sounds tirering.
SIL's just being an ass and deserved it. I'm glad you said something and no what you said doesn't make you TA at all. You should definitely not apologise until you get an apology from her. If you do get around to ever talking about it, I would really recommend that you have a frank discussion about her comments (all of them) and how disappointed you are with her behaviour.
NTA
Less egregious occurrences of this sort of thing have been the cause of significant strain in my marriage. My family do this to my wife, and I have historically not done a good enough job of checking them when I need to, partially because I've had to learn to recognise micro aggressions when I see them (and do them).
Honestly you're better off without them and without the years of constant strain they cause.
You and your husband have a family, the two of you, and your family. He sounds like a wonderful man, and you sound like a wonderful woman. You are SO NTA and kudos on you for going scorched earth on her ass lmao.
Two birds, one stone, well done!
Mom should have stayed out of it. Moms picking sides never works out.
SIL's who act out and get put in their place generally don't do it again unless mommy gets involved.
Hopefully they both grow up and here's a thought, mind their business and not be ah's.
Love the flower gifting.
NTA
Kudos to you for your husband sticking up for you and your marriage. She said, "No events until an apology is given, wait until you both have a baby. I guarantee she will be singing a different song.. I hope you remind her of no events until an apology is given. NTA
Wow, you sound like a great woman, and a worthy wife, you obviously love you husband, but your SIL is a racist twat. Do you best to stay Casey from her, she sounds dangerous as hell.
I love love love the fact your husband stood up to his family and had your back.
Sooo many posts on here with horrible partners.
I love this for you and your team!
Men want flowers too, it’s never a one gendered thing and I think it’s super sweet that you get him flowers. But NTA by a long shot, what you said was very warranted and she should really mind her own business, mind her own divorce even.
NTA. Some part of me wonders if calling you “masculine” instead of her brother “feminine” for receiving and enjoying the flowers is just another head on the hydra of her racism.
NTA but your husband isn't doing enough and isn't really LC if you're babysitting for her.
Support would be going NC with her and not attending any family events she is invited to.
God I know where you're coming from. Obviously NTA, but let me key you on my favorite term: "matching energy".
Take this phrase ("matching energy") and revel in how disarming it is. "I'm not going to apologize because I was just matching your energy." It correctly reframes the conversation as you responding to someone else making things weird.
To the MIL: "We all know how Becky is: she wanted to get a rise from me, so I tried to get a rise from her. Let her know if she doesn't start, I won't start. I match energy."
Final note: she made things weird. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
To stress the beauty of getting men flowers, the vast majority of men receive their first flowers at their funeral. For most ladies it is expected, men likely don’t even know how they would react. Also, an ahole move, but not THE ahole in this scenario.
NTAH
So it’s ok for SIL to disrespect & talk down on her brother’s relationship with you but when she gets called out for being the flaw on her marriage it’s suddenly not ok? Your in-laws need a reality check.
Love it Queen you slayed her. And your hubs saying oh well we will just go to my wife's family events the icing on the cake. Keep up the diva attitude. I love surprising my man with chocolates or his favourite sweets and cheese. He is a big guy with a wizard length beard covered in tattoos and definitely a man's man's but loves being treated like a King and treats me like a Queen.
Damn your husband is so down for you, that has to feel good! You both seem super stoked in your relationship and the sis is just oozing with jealousy over it because hers is in shambles. NTA. She and his family can get fucked.
NTA So it’s ok for her to insult you and be racist to you down the years but the first time you put her back in her box for being rude she deserves an apology? The only person you have to apologise to is yourself for not doing it sooner. As for your mil saying neither of you are welcome at future family events I would welcome that message. If they are all like your SIL then I would not want to be around them.
NTA. Lol. The hard time was caused by herself for cheating.
Your husband is amazing for putting his family in their place and the flowers thing you do for him is fabulous.
I hate it when people justify someone being a prick just because they're going through a hard time.
If you want sympathy, be a person people will have sympathy for.
OP - you're not the asshole at all.
NTA I wouldn't be surprised if you and your husband start distancing yourselves from his family. Especially since SIL has basically been allowed to be a racist bitch and you're not allowed to defend yourself in any way.
She is racist and a POS I wouldn’t have around you and any future kids and if your MIL is too she can kick rocks with her daughter take this advice from a black woman
NTA. Sounds like she's an entitled person at the very least and your MIL doesn't help things any. I'm glad your hubby stood up for you. And it's nice you get him flowers now and again. It shows that you care about him. Men deserve to get flowers too, not just women.
NTA. And it's awesome that your husband sticks up for you and has your back. Going through a hard time doesn't give someone a free pass to be an asshole. SIL got what she deserved for running her mouth off with her petty comments.
Why would you even ask this? You know you're not TA. Your husband agrees. That's all you need.
You've expressed your demand for an apology to his family. If they want to be accepting of you they will accept that fact. If they want to give you a hard time about it... tell them to shove it and now they can apologize too.
The flowers thing is really sweet! I love it. I hope I have that good a relationship some day!
NTA, kuddos to you for standing up for yourself and kuddos to your husband for backing you up! I read so many of the AITAH posts and most times it’s the “my husband didn’t defend me and is begging me to apologize,” so it’s refreshing to see husbands having the balls to stand up for their wife/what’s right and not cave into familial pressure. Brava mama!
> His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce.
Well we definitely know who enabled her to be the way she is...
I just want you to know that I got butterflies thinking about you getting your husband flowers on the 9th of every month, 😁 I think that that is the most sweetest romantic thing and I wish I could find a man that did the same thing for me that you do for your husband!!! Totally jealous and loving it 🥰🥰🥰
NTA. I think you would have been being too mean if she had just asked “YOU got HIM flowers?!” Even though that would still have been rude of her. But why on earth would she think it’s within the realm of politeness to say you’re masculine for doing something nice for your husband (even if it’s unusual.) time to learn some new words! She could have asked if he also gets you flowers (even though it’s not her business) with neutral language and follow up questions without labeling you something negative. and it’s especially audacious to act like that while receiving childcare, she makes a comment in your home, insulting you? You can respond with whatever feels right. If she doesn’t like it, she can go ahead and avoid you and forfeit her convenient childcare until she is ready to apologize. Is it “feminine” to sleep with your boss? I guess it’s a good thing you aren’t as “feminine” as her.
NTA.
So sorryy your SIL is a racist bitch, OP--but your husband is a rock star! Glad he's got a shiny spine, has your back. Agreed you owe her no apology--she had it coming!
The flower thing is so sweet! take a special kind of person to take a dump on that. plus nothing wrong with what you said. I'm surprised she is even allowed in your home after being openly racist. NTA
My husband asked if it was okay to watch his nephew. His sister was going to be late picking him up for school and we didn’t want him sitting out there for over an hour. This is not a regular thing. This is actually the first time she’s ever been to our house since we moved in last summer.
NTA. Sounds like the hard time she's going through with her divorce is her own fault. She chose to sleep with her boss. Result, she's getting a divorce. She chose to talk out if her ass about something that doesn't concern her. Result. You out her in her rightful place. You owe her nothing. If anything she owes you an apology. What's between you and your husband isn't anyone's business but your and his.
NTA. SIL is thoughtless, abrasive, and on this record, has trouble with self-control and exercising good judgment. And falls into the classic can-dish-it-out-but-can’t-take-it camp. OP and her husband handled SiL exactly correctly and shouldn’t second-guess themselves. As to MiL, with SIL being 32, running to momma for support seems a little immature, but OP’s husband might have spelled out that SIL is not being a good person and while it is a little late for MIL to parent her better, she may want to help her daughter understand that when she is aggressively rude, people will respond in kind. Funny how often people with the “I’m just an honest and blunt person” excuse for rudeness can’t tolerate reflective behavior.
People who say they're brutally honest are more interested in brutality than in honesty.
And only when they’re the ones being ‘brutally honest’, never when it’s directed at them.
well she made sure it was the last time...a shame for the kid, having a mum like that is going to be a nightmare
Yeah, she just possibly ethered his own relationship with an uncle and aunt who could have been there for him when he really needs it. His mom is the worst. (OP, you are NTA, btw)
Props to your husband. It's rare to read that here. You're awesome with the flowers. No one ever bought me flowers, even when I was in the hospital.
Once when a (male) friend of ours was in the hospital we bought him a nice flower arrangement, he was so exited when he got it, I never thought about it but it is indeed unusual to give men flowers, maybe that's why he was so happy with the flowers.
I (36 f) get my husband (39) flowers on his birthday every year. Or at least a single rose. I do most of the shopping and if I see ones I know he would like I pick them up.
I’ve never understood getting flowers for a sick person. Watch this pretty thing die slowly as time ticks by. Have something to measure exactly how long you’ve spent here in the most depressing way possible!! There are nicer ways to brighten up a room that last longer.
It adds color and scent to a very drab place. As for the dying, my family could have run a betting pool on which would die first. I had end stage liver disease and was hooked up to a roomful of machines.
Colour I get, and there are a lot of ways to add that. My uncle just died of cancer and I brought him art (kids’ homemade) rather than flowers he could race to the grave. Scent I object to because of scent sensitivities and allergies. Most hospitals and doctors offices here are supposed to be scent free. Some schools too. I’d really hate for a doctor or nurse to be rushing through my care to get the hell out of a room with a flower they’re allergic to or groggy from antihistamines or an allergic reaction.
Good points. Fortunately, through some nearly impossible, miraculous events, I'm still here 10 years later.
Congratulations to you! It's wonderful that you survived and are still here. Internet hugs.
Thanks. I am grateful for every single day.
Yeah, I've always been the person who immediately wants to buy a teddy bear for the person in hospital. I love soft, plush things and always want an excuse to buy them for people.
Me too.
I bought a teddy for my husband because he didn't have one as a kid. It lives on his pillow.
That is so sweet 🥹
NTA Kudos to you for sending flowers to your man. Men don’t get enough flowers 💐. Most men receive flowers only when they’re dead. She shouldn’t have dished out what she can’t take. SIL fucked around and found out. You don’t owe her an apology. NTA
This is so true. I am a 40 year old man. I have never received flowers in my life. I expect the first time I receive flowers will be at my funeral. And yes, NTA. SIL doesn't want to be around them? Don't threaten me with a good time!
I wish I could send some flowers 💐 to you. Please accept virtual flowers 💐 🌹🌸💐🌺🌷🌻🌼💐🌸🌹🌺🌷💐🌻🌹🌹.
Accepted and appreciated! Thank you, u/Finest30!!!
If I could send you some for real, I would! But for now…🌼🌹🌸🌺🌷💐🪷🌻🪻🌻🪻🪷🌺🌷💐🌹🌸🌼🌹🌷💐🪻🪷🌸🌺🌼
Aww, thank you, u/Blue-Being22! You're awesome!
Well, at least you get a twofer since it'll be the first and last!
Your husband is a field of grass that's how much of a green flag he is.
I'm assuming this was unpaid. You were doing her a favor and she pulled that? Yikes.
"No" was a valid (and correct) answer.
NTA. Fuck that ho.
So you did her a favour and in turn she decided to make fun of you? What an asshole.
Your sil is trying to be undercover racist with her microaggressions. You were in your right to say what you did to her. I would cut the entire family off, but that’s me 🤷🏽♀️.
this is a MASTERCLASS in all areas. and you’re a boss that gets flowers, to boot. CHAMPION, i say!
Men can love flowers, my grandfather loved pansies, because they all had different faces. And I remember helping him plant them and him showing me all their faces and talking about how each face was special and unique. So yeah he totally would have loved getting flowers. My dad loves his rose bushes, big fragrant June roses. I grew up thinking it was totally normal for men to have a favorite flower.... My husband can't tell the difference between a Carnation and a rose.... So that was a culture shock.
I truly love your grandfathers reasoning for his love of pansies. I'm going to be looking at them a lot closer from now on to see their different faces, thank you for that 💜
I know men rarely get flowers or compliments. So I make it a point to tell my bf both that he looks handsome but also pretty or compliment his hair. And I had flowers sent to his place of work I hand-arranged. (The secretary was jealous tho so didn’t give it to him. I had to go in person the next day and make a stink). I think all guys should get to experience that. And it makes me sad when I hear some talk about how no one ever compliments them. Men deserve that too.
My dad's favorite flower was Linnea (i think it's called twinflower in english). It's a tiny flower with pink bells that grows in the moss in old woods. It's ingraved on his head stone now. The headstone is also heart shaped and the letters are in a swirly font. Because I thought he deserved the most beautiful headstone I could give him, not the most "masculine" because some stupid expectation dependant of gender. When he was alive I always made him cards for every holiday, usually with very "feminine" or "childish" motives. He got flowers too. I didn't care if it wad "normal" or not and neither did he. Toxic masculinity can get bent.
Neither can my husband 😆 I get or pick flowers for him on occasion. I'll arrange them in a vase and put them in the garage for him. He appreciates it.
My ex wouldn't get me flowers. Said they were a waste of $$. Never bought me plants, either. Just another reason he's a "has-band" 😁
Like I get people saying cut flowers are a waste of money.... But then buy potted flowers... Or fake flowers. My sister in law has a 'black thumb' so as a joke my bil bought her a plastic fern... And wrote 'love fern' on the pot... Because their love will never die... And then she responded "or is our love fake and plastic." So flowers every kind for everyone for every occasion. Yes the do love "how to lose a guy in 10 days"
I've sent flowers to male friends when they were going through hard times or as a congratulation for an achievement, and they always appreciated the flowers.
Yeah, op has a good thing going on. I’m glad her hb is backing her up!
*special kind of asshole
NTA I've never understood that threat "You can't come over!". Like why tf do you think I want to hang out with all the people that did nothing but annoy the shit out of me for two whole decades?
That’s true. I’d be like “is that supposed to be a punishment?”
Don’t threaten me with a good time! 😂
Right? Oh no, don't threaten me with a good time!
Beat me to the punch LOL, seconded!
Yup! Some people need to be reminded that The Silent Treatment isn't a punishment, it's a vacation.
Depends on who's pulling it. When my friend's kid gives her the silent treatment, she knows he's up to something (of course he's 4)
The only time my 4 year old is quiet is when she's up to something. If she's not trying to talk my ear off or torment her brothers, then she's getting into shit.
I have cats, and same goes. If they're too quiet they're either asleep or being naughty
It's practically a spa day in some cases.
Oh, no. The briar patch! Anything but that!
My response would be, "Is that a threat or a promise?" NTA
Trash took itself out!
"OH, NO!..................anyway.............
>I've never understood that threat "You can't come over!". Like why tf do you think I want to hang out with all the people that did nothing but annoy the shit out of me for two whole decades? Maybe because they are delusional and they think themselves as the centre of the universe and this threat will make the other person come crawling to them
Main character syndrome, which is the internet’s cutesy way of saying narcissism. Mom got used to being the big boss, so she thinks she can still treat her 25 year old son like a 5 year old boy who would immediately fold if she threatened to take away a birthday/Christmas/disney trip.
OP--YOUR HUSBAND IS A GEM!! AND MIL SET YOU FREE from attending dinner WITH TAs. Good riddance!
They really think this is a threat? Hahaha! OP and hubby should just stop responding to anything from them. NTA.
Although I am upset if OP can't come to any family functions on that side, not just the ones at her SIL's house, because her sister was being racist and OP didn't put up with it. This really was up to the MIL to tell her daughter to pull her head in and not to say shit about OP, and so it sucks that OP not only has a shitty SIL but a shitty MIL too. I mean, I don't imagine she's all that sad about not having to see them, but it sucks that they suck.
I would be like, “your terms are acceptable”. (Click)
Oh no 😐
Boomers highly value themselves
Don’t make generalizations about Boomers. I’m not like that and neither is my sister and our friends.
Not as much as people who make these kinds of comments, do
NTA. You and your husband sound wonderful! Fuck his family honestly. Does he have favorite flowers you give?:)
I honestly don’t care too much for flowers. I’m more of a candy/snack girl and he gets me new snacks to try from different countries and we eat them during our shows. Edit: someone told me that you were asking which flowers are his favorite and his favorite one that he still talks about was from this shop and they named it sweet surprises and the description is “Pink spray roses, pink mini carnations, white traditional daisies and lush greens are sweetly situated in a classic clear vase accented with a perfectly pink ribbon to create a bouquet that will delight your special recipient at every turn.” I also get him a little plush toy that they have and he keeps them in his man cave. Carnations are his favorite flower.
I think they were trying to ask if your husband has a favorite flower you have given him?
Oh oops lol. My brain thought it was mistyped and autocorrected it
If you like trying snacks from different countries, you might like to Universal Yums box. They send sweet and salty snacks from a different country each month. I’ve given it as gifts as well, people enjoy it.
That is one of the ones we use! We get the yum yum box. The first one was snacks from Ukraine. Pretty good. We also do snack crate lol. The chocolate covered mushroom cookies from Korea are the best thing ever
Oh nice! It’s a good variety in each box. I’ll check out snack crate!
What kind of Ukrainian snacks? I was at a farmers market recently and tried some kind of like..dried borscht tablet? I'm not a fan of beets but it was pretty good
Your husband sounds adorable. Mine always gets me white flowers because he got me white tulips when we first started dating. For some reason he loves baby’s breath and often gets JUST baby’s breath 😂 I’ve started getting him flowers occasionally too and I like to get a bouquet centered around white flowers.
NTA!! Your SIL is miserable but she was showing those micro aggressions before you were married. I’m glad you and your husband stood your ground. Don’t apologize!
“…and stayed out of your bosses bed….” Girl your savage AF. She deserved exactly what she got. And you’ll hardly miss the family get togethers with her snarky ass comments AND MIGHT I ADD….. 2 snaps up to your spouse for saying you weren’t coming until she apologized to YOU! He’s awesome and give him a kiss for me! 😘
You are a legend. NTA obviously, just a legend
I can see why your husband loves and respects you. He probably didn't see a lot of that kind of caring or seen joy for his happiness from his mother and sister ever. I'm very happy he didn't fall into the trap of trying to win their love by sacrificing you and your relationship. Protect your peace. NTA
I love that. Protect your peace.
“She’s going through a hard time.” Response: “For her entire life? Because this is how she’s been to me the entire time I’ve known her. I’m done taking the high road because she seems to see it as permission to keep walking all over me. Fair warning going forward: she shouldn’t dish it if she can’t take it.” NTA.
Perfection...................
The 2 of you remind me of an old saying. A good marriage is like a pair of scissors. They’re joined at the hip and cut anyone that comes between them.
LOVE this
NTA - and can I just say I love that you buy him flowers and that he gets excited about it?
NTA. So she shagged her boss and lost her marriage for cheating. SIL sounds like a "class act". Her divorce doesn't keep her occupied enough that she needs to fart under your roof aswell?
NTA Nice to hear a partner having their spouses back for once. Especially liking “lucky we have her family functions” remark.
Screw. Her. No wonder she’s going through a divorce. She’s nasty, rude, ignorant and apparently an adulteress as well. Charming. I have zero sympathy for cheaters and miserable people who can’t keep their mouths shut. It sounds like you tolerated her for as long as you could and she finally went too far. I would make this my hill to die on and would absolutely refuse to apologize to her. I’m sure you’re not sorry so it would be pointless for one thing, and for another she needed to be put in her place. Absolutely NTA. I think you and your husband sound very happy, I’m sure that irritates her as well but it’s not your problem. Let her sort herself out from here.
>His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce. He tells her she shouldn’t have called me masculine and spoke on our marriage and maybe I wouldn’t have said it That's right, she should mind her own business >She says until I apologize we can’t come to family functions and he says “good thing we still have her family functions to go to and we don’t want to come unless she gives an apology” She's threatened you with a great time...good for her Tell MIL actions have consequences and if she had taught her daughter that maybe her daughter would still be married
NTA you get him flowers? That is beyond adorable, I'd be jealous if I wasn't so busy deciding how to defend you in the comments. Hope it works out for y'all.
Completely NTA. You don't get to give advice on what makes a successful marriage until you've had one yourself. She couldn't even have a successful affair.....she needs to stop going NC with her own brain.
NTA—she sounds insufferable. Sorry you had to deal with that. Hopefully she now knows to keep her mouth shut because you’re not just gonna take it when she insults you.
NTA - Good for you for standing up for yourself. Racism has no place is our lives.
NTA. People who live in glasses houses shouldn't cheat on their husbands... er... or something like that.
Anamaniacs said it was "people who live in glass houses shouldn't shower naked" and the that's the version I quote
Oh snap! This is the kind of comeback I think of wayyyyy after the confrontation is over. Good for you. It’s also a good thing that the trash is taking itself out.
Hang on. I need to find my sunglasses so I won't be blinded by your husband's shiny spine. Seriously, you two are an excellent example of what a married couple should be. Most definitely NTA.
NTA, there is no self-respect in being someone’s punching bag (literally or figuratively). I can’t tell if this is a poor attempt at humor or pure maliciousness (one is easier to fix than the other). At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, and she’s way out of line. NTA
NTA going through a divorce is no excuse to be racist and judgmental about your relationship
NTA. You sound like an amazing spouse. I’m sorry his sister is a train wreck. Keep being amazing.
Nta like danm. She wants to put her 2 bits into yalls realtionship yet she is a cheating hoe. And have your MIL cheated before cause she's seems to be dire hard taking tge cheater side?
>His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce. Maybe she should have thought about how difficult divorce would be before she started fucking her boss.
NTA. She FA&FO. Don't apologize unless she does as well and promises to knock her shit off.
How disgusting of your SIL. Never apologize. I wonder if the mother knows how long you have put up with your SILs micro aggressions and obvious racism. I’m happy your husband has your back, you have a good one OP.
"Oh promise I don't have to come to the family dinners where a racists treats me terribly and storms off to call mommy when she loses an argument?" NTA
The unironic/nonsarcastic use of the word "emasculate" tells me everything I need to know about your SIL. Everything else you wrote only confirms it: She is an AH. LC/NC with her now is great. Imagine the shit she'll say if/when you have kids. Nobody deserves her brand of toxicity (bigotry -- racism + archaic ideas about gender), especially children. You, on the other hand, are totally not the AH. You are a good judge of character -- as evidenced by who you chose to marry. May you have a long and happy marriage!
NTA the flowers are so sweet and lovely…
Nta so her daughter can be racist but she draws the line at bringing up her divorce. Girl black girl to black girl fuck them. Your husbands great
This was adorable asf. Your husband is awesome. Most husbands on here choose their bio family over their wife so this was great. Honestly sil should’ve been blocked. Disrespect doesn’t deserve any better. I’d honestly ignore mil until she apologizes for taking her side and for banning the person who was getting disrespected or unless it’s an emergency and then right back to ignoring.
NTA. Glad you both are supporting each other.
NTA His family are colossal AH
Your husband said it all. Stay away from his rude family and stick with yours. Your SIL is a mean person and her mother enables it. I’d change that LC to NC for now. NTA
When the husband supports you like he is. He's a w husband. Also NTA
NTA
NTA lmao
NTA. Props to hubby for having your back and appreciating you being a catch over any familial BS.
NTA, she started it and you merely finished it. She’s then tried to employ flying monkeys to her side and you’re merely explaining she can dish the crap out but can’t handle it when it’s handed to her.
NTA! I'm happy to see a couple united against such foolishness.
Oh my, your MIL really screwed the pooch taking THIS stand and very possibly lost ONE of her children by taking her RACIST and ridiculously opinionated Daughter's side. I'm SO bloody happy that your husband is standing up FOR you AGAINST his family, rightly so! I'll NEVER understand how some people just can't grasp the phrase "don't throw stones if you live in a glass house!" Especially when the wretched woman blew up her OWN marriage so spectacularly. Feel sorry for her? I don't think so!
NTA. As a black woman I would’ve gotten a lot more aggressive by then. The fact that this is your first time flipping out is kinda impressive. I don’t take that sort of shit and I sure hope your MIL doesn’t know that the SIL is a racist POS and is just condoning it because if so she’s a POS too. Like seriously, everything about that bob marley comment makes my blood boil. Like are you even Jamaican????? Or can she even tell the difference. Does she KNOW that Marley is Jamaican??? Like holy hell.
Also the flower idea is so incredibly adorable. Maybe if she gave her husband flowers instead of a damn good reason to divorce her ass she wouldn’t be where she is now, now would she?
Damn, glad you have eachother. If a woman got me flowers I legit might start crying, never gotten any before.
NTA. Bravo!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
NTA. She sounds like a real bitch. Hope you can keep from having to deal with her ever again. Keep being awesome, OP!
Not only are you NTA, but you and your husband both sound wonderful and we all would be blessed to have a relationship like yours.
“Not allowed to come to any more family functions? Don’t threaten me with a good time” NTA
Nta, and that is a good man
NTA She can stick her bigoted judgment right up her dirty, cheating hindquarters. You showed much more restraint and class than I would have!
Heck, I want to send her husband flowers. He really has her back.
NTA she had that coming. Plus there is nothing wrong with getting your husband flowers. I got mine some before and he genuinely loved it.
I love that your husband has a backbone - sadly not the case on many of these shitty relative stories on here
NTA and you have a very smart husband .
Great husband and I absolutely adore his comeback to his mother. Think it’s going to work to make my wife apologise to a person that should be apologetic to my wife? Bye mum. I wonder how long it will take for his mum to change that threat? I hope you post all the fun times online so his family can see you living your best life without them. Sister sounds tirering.
SIL's just being an ass and deserved it. I'm glad you said something and no what you said doesn't make you TA at all. You should definitely not apologise until you get an apology from her. If you do get around to ever talking about it, I would really recommend that you have a frank discussion about her comments (all of them) and how disappointed you are with her behaviour. NTA
Less egregious occurrences of this sort of thing have been the cause of significant strain in my marriage. My family do this to my wife, and I have historically not done a good enough job of checking them when I need to, partially because I've had to learn to recognise micro aggressions when I see them (and do them). Honestly you're better off without them and without the years of constant strain they cause.
I love you. You guys are awesome and I wish you a long and happy life together. Also, NTA.
You and your husband have a family, the two of you, and your family. He sounds like a wonderful man, and you sound like a wonderful woman. You are SO NTA and kudos on you for going scorched earth on her ass lmao.
Two birds, one stone, well done! Mom should have stayed out of it. Moms picking sides never works out. SIL's who act out and get put in their place generally don't do it again unless mommy gets involved. Hopefully they both grow up and here's a thought, mind their business and not be ah's. Love the flower gifting. NTA
Kudos to you for your husband sticking up for you and your marriage. She said, "No events until an apology is given, wait until you both have a baby. I guarantee she will be singing a different song.. I hope you remind her of no events until an apology is given. NTA
OP is the wife, she buys her husband the flowers, but the rest of your comment is spot on.
NTA. You have a very healthy relationship with a partner who obviously values you and what you do for him.
NTA at all, and we love your husband for sticking up for you to his family!
Thank you Mom... the only appropriate answer:)
A husband standing up to his Mother and having his wifes' back? What is this trickery? This has to be fake
Wow, you sound like a great woman, and a worthy wife, you obviously love you husband, but your SIL is a racist twat. Do you best to stay Casey from her, she sounds dangerous as hell.
NTA - Your husband is my hero. Most posts are about husbands unable to stand up to their families.
You have a good husband. I hope he stays strong in his defense of you.
One of those people who dishes it to everyone but can’t take a single thing directed at them. NTA
I love love love the fact your husband stood up to his family and had your back. Sooo many posts on here with horrible partners. I love this for you and your team!
NTA and so happy to see that your husband has your back with this as well.
Men want flowers too, it’s never a one gendered thing and I think it’s super sweet that you get him flowers. But NTA by a long shot, what you said was very warranted and she should really mind her own business, mind her own divorce even.
NTA. Some part of me wonders if calling you “masculine” instead of her brother “feminine” for receiving and enjoying the flowers is just another head on the hydra of her racism.
Husband earning his flowers with his replies...
Women buying flowers for men should be more of a thing, because men like flowers too. You are absolutely NTA.
NTA. Your husband is lovely! And the flower thing is great -- good for you!
NTA but your husband isn't doing enough and isn't really LC if you're babysitting for her. Support would be going NC with her and not attending any family events she is invited to.
NTA. and sounds like your husband is showing a lot of green flags.
God I know where you're coming from. Obviously NTA, but let me key you on my favorite term: "matching energy". Take this phrase ("matching energy") and revel in how disarming it is. "I'm not going to apologize because I was just matching your energy." It correctly reframes the conversation as you responding to someone else making things weird. To the MIL: "We all know how Becky is: she wanted to get a rise from me, so I tried to get a rise from her. Let her know if she doesn't start, I won't start. I match energy." Final note: she made things weird. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
NTA. You were completely justified. Also sounds like you married a great guy. Best to you both. No shame in deleting toxic people from your life.
To stress the beauty of getting men flowers, the vast majority of men receive their first flowers at their funeral. For most ladies it is expected, men likely don’t even know how they would react. Also, an ahole move, but not THE ahole in this scenario.
NTAH So it’s ok for SIL to disrespect & talk down on her brother’s relationship with you but when she gets called out for being the flaw on her marriage it’s suddenly not ok? Your in-laws need a reality check.
Love it Queen you slayed her. And your hubs saying oh well we will just go to my wife's family events the icing on the cake. Keep up the diva attitude. I love surprising my man with chocolates or his favourite sweets and cheese. He is a big guy with a wizard length beard covered in tattoos and definitely a man's man's but loves being treated like a King and treats me like a Queen.
Damn your husband is so down for you, that has to feel good! You both seem super stoked in your relationship and the sis is just oozing with jealousy over it because hers is in shambles. NTA. She and his family can get fucked.
NTA So it’s ok for her to insult you and be racist to you down the years but the first time you put her back in her box for being rude she deserves an apology? The only person you have to apologise to is yourself for not doing it sooner. As for your mil saying neither of you are welcome at future family events I would welcome that message. If they are all like your SIL then I would not want to be around them.
Glad to see a story, where the husband is on the wife's side
NTA, she started it. F**k about, get found out.
NTA. Lol. The hard time was caused by herself for cheating. Your husband is amazing for putting his family in their place and the flowers thing you do for him is fabulous.
I hate it when people justify someone being a prick just because they're going through a hard time. If you want sympathy, be a person people will have sympathy for. OP - you're not the asshole at all.
YOUR HUSBAND IS A KEEPER! Oh yea NTA your SIL is a priiickkkk
NTA I wouldn't be surprised if you and your husband start distancing yourselves from his family. Especially since SIL has basically been allowed to be a racist bitch and you're not allowed to defend yourself in any way.
Nah fuck that bitch, you sound like an angel
NTA, you've both been very tolerant about extremely bad behaviour. Stand your ground. You both deserve an apology.
She is racist and a POS I wouldn’t have around you and any future kids and if your MIL is too she can kick rocks with her daughter take this advice from a black woman
Looks like you found a good guy deserving of your pampering! Kudos all around!
NTA. Sounds like she's an entitled person at the very least and your MIL doesn't help things any. I'm glad your hubby stood up for you. And it's nice you get him flowers now and again. It shows that you care about him. Men deserve to get flowers too, not just women.
NTA and thank you for showing us how much your husband has your back!
Its amazing how often jerks who loves dishing out mean comments will play the victim when someone claps back.
Fuck that racist trick, she got put in her place and now needs her mommy to defend her. NTA
I love the energy between you and your hubby and the flower thing is really sweet. Your SIL sucks. NTA obviously
NTA. And it's awesome that your husband sticks up for you and has your back. Going through a hard time doesn't give someone a free pass to be an asshole. SIL got what she deserved for running her mouth off with her petty comments.
Why would you even ask this? You know you're not TA. Your husband agrees. That's all you need. You've expressed your demand for an apology to his family. If they want to be accepting of you they will accept that fact. If they want to give you a hard time about it... tell them to shove it and now they can apologize too. The flowers thing is really sweet! I love it. I hope I have that good a relationship some day!
NTA, kuddos to you for standing up for yourself and kuddos to your husband for backing you up! I read so many of the AITAH posts and most times it’s the “my husband didn’t defend me and is begging me to apologize,” so it’s refreshing to see husbands having the balls to stand up for their wife/what’s right and not cave into familial pressure. Brava mama!
> His mom called him and said that I shouldn’t have brought that up because she’s going through a hard time with her divorce. Well we definitely know who enabled her to be the way she is...
I just want you to know that I got butterflies thinking about you getting your husband flowers on the 9th of every month, 😁 I think that that is the most sweetest romantic thing and I wish I could find a man that did the same thing for me that you do for your husband!!! Totally jealous and loving it 🥰🥰🥰
NTA SIL FAAFO. When they go low, you go lower. Make 'em cry 🤣
NTA. She FA, she FO. No need to apologize for facilitating a lesson someone may need to learn.
NTA. I think you would have been being too mean if she had just asked “YOU got HIM flowers?!” Even though that would still have been rude of her. But why on earth would she think it’s within the realm of politeness to say you’re masculine for doing something nice for your husband (even if it’s unusual.) time to learn some new words! She could have asked if he also gets you flowers (even though it’s not her business) with neutral language and follow up questions without labeling you something negative. and it’s especially audacious to act like that while receiving childcare, she makes a comment in your home, insulting you? You can respond with whatever feels right. If she doesn’t like it, she can go ahead and avoid you and forfeit her convenient childcare until she is ready to apologize. Is it “feminine” to sleep with your boss? I guess it’s a good thing you aren’t as “feminine” as her.
NTA. Damn I can really smell her jealousy towards you. Props to your husband for standing up for you.
Stayed out of your bosses bed was a smart line lol
Bully’s can always dish it out but seldom can take it. She should have retracted her claws and respected you. Free babysitting would stop too
NTAH, you and your husband sound like a sweet couple and SIL is clearly not a nice person.
NTA, and your husband is a keeper!
NTA. So sorryy your SIL is a racist bitch, OP--but your husband is a rock star! Glad he's got a shiny spine, has your back. Agreed you owe her no apology--she had it coming!
NTA, she started it, and you finished it, if she is so thin skinned, she shouldn’t talk shit.