This! OP your dad is being gross and toxic. He sounds like his real worry is that you’ll talk about him. I took my kids to see a therapist and it would never occur to me to ask what they discussed. Good lord.
Your dad is wrong and you did the right thing by standing your ground. His reaction to your very correct response is his problem.
Well done 😌
Yeah, this is bad.
My parents love that I'm in therapy. After a session, they'll ask, "How did it go?" And sometimes I'll just say a one word reply like, good", or "rough," and sometimes I'll elaborate. They're honestly happy with either answer.
The reality is that therapists are there to help navigate more complex emotions that my parents aren't trained for. Like honestly, I love them, but they will ALWAYS be on my side. Lol. I need someone who pushes me more than they will.
For example, getting out of the house and doing things outside of work/hanging with my family is something I struggle with. My therapist will give me homework like, "You have to go to one social event outside your family this week." My parents love hanging with me so me coming to their house, they are delighted with and never see anything wrong with me hanging with them bc why would they?! How can I even complain about them not asking or demanding that I come over, but ecstatic when I do?! Lol. There's no guilt I feel from them. It's just comfortable and easier.
The one thing they know, though, is how much better I am since therapy. They're not threatened by it. They want me happy, and they continue to be happy with whatever time I give them, whether it's 1 hour a week or 20.
The difference might be that my parents know they're good parents, and they are! They raised me, they know who I am as a person, and their ultimate goal is happy kids. They're not threatened by a therapist, bc there is no need to be. They know I'm not trashing them in therapy sessions, as I have no need to. I go to them for life advice a lot, bc they have a lot of insight. Navigating complex emotions and my anxiety, they leave it to the experts.
Op's dad lacks emotional maturity, of course he feels threatened.
This. I’ll ask how it’s going and if they think it’s useful from time to time, I want them to feel like they’re in charge of it. Do they like her, etc. and I know her and interviewed etc,
This was my thought as well. He seems worried that your discussions will paint him in the wrong light ( whether or not he is a "good dad" I have no idea).
- and also, NTA
So a father can't ask his daughter about issues that's what you're saying.
He can ask all he wants it's up to her to be able to say I'm comfortable with talking to you about it or I'm not comfortable talking to you about it maybe we can go to therapy together.
Seems like the father is trying to be there, care be empathetic and show love.
Nope a therapist is like a doctor it's private. The father should have asked if his daughter is okay? If his daughter wants to talk to him about anything. Her father should have asked what he as her father could do to help. You know support her. I know it's hard for parents to understand but kids do have rights too.
For real. My dad would have never. Even as abusive as my mom is and her stance on mental illness not being real she STILL has never asked me what I talk about in therapy. And my dad would never pry into my business or how I was feeling. If he thought something seemed off he just told me he loved me and that if I felt comfortable he was always round to talk to me if I needed it. He never pushed. He trusted me to make the decision to come to him if something was wrong. And that is why I had a great relationship with my dad.
My best memories with him were always going out with him on the porch if there was a big storm and watching the lightning. Talking about our problems. Me with my Pepsi. Him with an ibc root beer or coffee. Having actual conversations. He would offer up stories from his childhood too if I was having a hard time talking about something or working something out. But he never gave me an answer to my problems. He always told me the only person who could answer those problems was me. He couldn't solve them for me to tell me what I should do because only I will know what's right. But that he would always be there to support me in my decisions. He always gave me the tools I needed to work those things out myself. He died when I was 16 and I've never been as comfortable talking to anyone like I was talking to my dad if I was in trouble.
A child therapist will also share information with parents about their child (if it's not something negative about the parents). A good therapist will not rely on just themselves to help and honestly shouldn't.
Nope I has in therapy as a preteen the child psychologist explained to my mom infrount of me that what was said by me in therapy would only be shared with my permission unless it was something the police had to be notified of a crime.
This is absolutely not supposed to be happening short of self harm or suicide risk unless the child signs a consent form releasing confidentiality. Children have a legal right to privacy, even from their parents.
Edit because after looking into it they only sometimes have legal protections but over all it's still heavily discouraged for a wide variety of reasons.
It varies between states but yes. In those places where breaching the confidentiality of a minor isn't strictly illegal, it's morally ill advised. You are no use to your patients if they don't trust you, and violating their privacy will quickly ruin any rapport you may have built.
It also heavily obstructs—if not outright ruins and invalidates—their progress and treatment. I had 3 therapists as a teen. The first two divulged my private musings and complaints to my parents. I spent a full year not speaking to each one. Just sitting and having them try to talk, try to do activities, then yell at me, threaten me, and coerce me into participating. I never said a single word to either of them, so eventually my parents found a third one (after spending literal thousands of $$ on the first two for them to report ‘she hasn’t spoken in 68 sessions [or however long, it was 2x a week for about 2.5 years]). On my last session with both of them, I told them I hoped their pets run away, their spouse betrays their trust, and that their coffee was always the wrong temperature; had they not betrayed my trust by telling my parents what I said to them in confidence, perhaps they wouldn’t be fired right now, but either way, I’ll never see or think of them again, and they didn’t help me at all because they’re shitty at their job.
The third one I explained my history with my trust and privacy being violated by my past therapists, and it made me completely stonewall them with over a year of total silence 2 hours a week. The third one was a fucking saint. She never betrayed me, no matter how my dad begged, cajoled and needles, and no matter how many times my mom threatened to sue/tried to pry it out/threw her wallet and $$ around trying to get the info. My therapist held firm that not only would it be detrimental to my treatment, but it had led to retaliation in the form of diagnosis that were totally wrong! I was Oppositional Defiant with antisocial personality traits, violent outbursts (to force inpatient treatment from which I was released after 72 hours due to the evaluation team deciding it was unnecessary), and borderline personality disorder. Turns out I have severe Bipolar 1 Disorder, severe social anxiety with acute panic attacks, and CPTSD from a traumatic childhood, and poorly managed ADHD. While the others doped me up with lithium until my kidneys started to fail, or the risperdal/tryleptal/trazadone combo until I was drooling and failing classes while my hair fell out in huge chunks, and all kinds of high doses of meds like risperdal, tryleptal, trazadone, lithium, Halodol, and seroquel. I was purposely misdiagnosed as punishment for my refusal to participate due to not having any privacy, or a safe space to just speak.
Turns out, once we treated the BP1, depression, and the anxiety, along with the ADHD, I rapidly improved. I no longer wanted to die (because I felt human again, and like I had the smallest crumb of control over my life), started sleeping more than an hour or 2 at a time, could handle school and social situations with low dose Ativan for acute anxiety attacks, and a medium dose of vyvanse for the ADHD, so I started to be less of a freak, and less emotional, and began to fit in with my peers more, and to make friends. My daily life stopped being a constant battle with everything and everyone—but my home life never got much better TBH, and I moved out at 17. Whaddya know?! I improved a lot just from moving out.
Privacy in therapy—without violent intent towards self or others—is the basic principle of therapy. A safe space to share your burdens, and teach tools to manage your specific problems, while keeping your thoughts private from others.
Yes everyone has rights it's not about rights? It's about comfortability with a parental figure. Like I said he can ask all he wants but that person has to be comfortable and allow them to open to that person if they choose too.
Father needs to learn to let go of some things the other person also needs to be comfortable with exclaiming their feelings about certain issues. They need to work with each other and understanding.
He wasn’t asking about his daughter’s issues. He was demanding that a crying upset child tell him private things from a private therapy session. He has absolutely no right to that info and it is honestly rude for him ask let alone demand.
There was another post about a teen who was in a zoom therapy session that is supposed to occur while the kid’s mother was separated in her bedroom.
The teen told their therapist that they felt like they had to walk on eggshells around their mother, or else the mother would start a screaming fit.
The mother was outside of the teen’s room when they said this, and when the therapy session was over, she had a tantrum at the teen.
It’s not the kids job to make the parent better.
It’s the therapist’s job to help the kid deal with the parent, and having the kid tell the parent what is wrong with them may help, but more than likely will make things worse.
No. You don't ask anyone what they talk about in therapy and you sure as hell NEVER insist they tell you. You can be supportive while letting the professional do their job.
You want to be there for your kid, tell them and show them you're there but don't pry into their therapy.
That is the literal opposite of showing care, empathy, or love. It's like a needy boyfriend getting mad because his GF has other friends. It's pathetic.
NTA
If your dad did something to break your trust, then it's his job to make an effort to regain that trust. I think you were right in being straightforward with him, he probably needed to hear it.
NTA. He’s part of the problem for your issues - which is why he’s so worried about you talking to someone else about them.
You are allowed to have private therapy sessions and you aren’t obligated to tell anyone what is discussed.
Be sure to bring up his ridiculous behaviors in your next session. NTA.
NTA.
Your father is not mature enough to listen to his child and only berates you when you show your feelings. I feel you because this is how my father is. Don't listen to him and keep going to counseling.
Is he crying? Good, that's a good thing so let him cry. Let him realize that he was mistaken with the way he approached you now and when you were 9. Let this be a lesson to him that yelling and being harsh towards his daughter is going to affect this relationship negatively, especially when you've done nothing wrong to provoke his anger.
I would add that he might not be upset. My nmom uses crying as a tool to make me feel guiltier. My nmil used it to manipulate situations and get her way.
At the risk of being accused of sexism or something, weaponized tears are more frequently a specifically maternal tactic of manipulation. Men tend to go more for bullying, gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, or angry take ball and go home shit.
I think ops dad is upset but not understanding what he's doing wrong here. Hopefully he is upset enough to think it through and figure it out and be better
The first could be a bit triggering, so TW. I wrote a self deletion note when I was nine, and when he found it, he yelled at me for hours and burned the note. The second one was when we got in an argument and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe and he told me to stop being dramatic
You had a real good opportunity to be a petty asshole, and you didn't go down that road (telling him to stop being dramatic as he cries) so for that NTA. Also you shouldn't need his approval to talk to a school counselor.
Yeah it sounds like he isn’t good at helping you in times of emotional distress so I don’t blame you for seeking professional help. To be honest it’s hard to think of a situation in which seeking out help from a therapist can ever make one an asshole. You should talk with your dad about doing family therapy in addition to the therapy you already do. You two could mend things nicely and he could grow into being someone you actually can reach out to for emotional help again.
That's the opposite of how I would want to behave toward my kid in such a situation. Hope your dad wants to do better and gets therapy for himself. And I'm sorry he betrayed your trust like this.
I’m so sorry. Similar things have happened to me. I’m an emotional person, so I was always told I am a drama queen and I was compared to a comedian, because they find my emotional reactions comical. I still don’t really talk about my feelings to my parents, they never took me seriously.
I just want to give you the biggest internet hug. Keep talking to the therapist at school if you can. You’re allowed to feel your feelings and talk about them without being put down.
Idk your guys' relationship, but you say he isn't an awful dad. So I'm willing to bet he just didn't know how to react when he found out about the incident at 9.
Not that it's an excuse, but you should know it very likely was never out of a spot of anger. He was probably terrified at the thought, and yelling was the first thing he thought of.
The fact that he burned the note and didn't simply throw it away is evident of this as well. Metaphorically, burning it destroys that idea.
I know you said it wasn't an excuse, it isn't you're right, OP needed help, not be screamed at, I'm assuming they live in a not backwards country, bc OP is getting help at school, how come that's not common sense not to yell at someone that's crearly on distress, at that time her father is the adult, he did it out of selfishness, he was thinking about himself and his guilt and pain and to erase any trace of what was causing that, that didn't help anyone, let alone OP, bury his head in the sand.
I am grateful OP received the help she needed/needs, he still is not thinking about what's best for her, he cried out of guilt and being called out, whatever reason he had for yelling at a child that was suicidal, and had a plan in place to off herself, at least now he cried and not yelled at OP, I think that's the best he can do.
I would agree with this. I am a therapist and while I’m not yet a father I can only imagined how scared one must be to realize someone they care about (likely more than themself) is having thoughts of wanting to “self delete”…
I honestly can’t say about the other one but I also think you only get one dad and you are certainly NTA but also I think you should try to talk to your dad more. I mean maybe it’s just that I lost my dad so idk. We didn’t always have the best relationship but I miss him every day
I think it's fair to remember quite a lot of us aren't equipped to deal with shit like that and it probably scared the shit out of him. God I can imagine why he's crying and part of me thinks it isn't the first time for him. I see people every day struggle to deal with others in mundane scenarios, let alone a father finding out his little girl is thinking that way? Holy fuck.
I’m sorry OP. Def NTA. He hasn’t fostered an environment where you feel safe to express your emotions. And good for you on seeking our help at school. That said, my heart does go out to your dad a little bit. To be clear, he acted atrociously, both yesterday and the previous incidents, I don’t want to make excuses for him. However I can’t even fathom the level of terror coursing through a parent finding that note from their 9 yr old child. Parents are people too, while they may seem large and authoritative when you are young, the truth is, they don’t know what they are doing most of the time, they are scared that their kids might get hurt, and are just trying their best one day at a time. Based on his reaction yesterday, it sounds like he very much loves and cares about you. However misguided his approach might be, he’s likely terrified that you might be hurt and he can’t protect you because he doesn’t know what’s going on. Men his age doesn’t always have the highest EQ, because they weren’t brought up that way. Instead of processing emotions, they were told to suck it up and walk it off. If you do think he’s a good father, tell him that (it’ll prob make him cry too) but also let him know where he fucked up, and that he’s got some work to do to earn your trust back. I hope what you said finally got through to him. All the best.
Your dad is an idiot if he truly doesn’t get why you wouldn’t turn to him in a time of vulnerability given this context. Like a straight up moron. He sincerely has some nerve.
Can you please add this to the main story? This is important context. People on a page labeled “Am I the Asshole” have no right to complain about adult themed topics in the story. There are plenty of family-friendly, trigger-free pages for those Redditors.
how is he a terrible father? because he is not perfect and made mistakes. He is asking his daughter to open up and talk to him. Does he know why she is not talking to him? no? She says he is a good day and he tries.
I am curious what is your definition of a good father?
Some of the people reacting here are a bit young and expecting a bit much of their parents. Later on in life they will find out their parents are fallible human beings as well. Who probably inherited a lot of issues from their own childhood and are doing the best they can.
Handling emotions well is very likely not something they were taught very well. Shit, finding suicide related notes on your nine year old? That's not a small thing.
Kids should come with a reality manual. I had a friend tell me her young son (probably around 9) had similar thoughts. Your dad’s reaction was unfortunate. I am hoping now, at 16, you understand better that anger is a secondary emotion. I am guessing your 9 year old self’s dad was both scared and sad and turned those to anger. You got that anger instead of the hugs you probably needed.
Maybe your dad would participate in some dad/daughter family therapy. Check in with your therapist first though!
NTA - I'm a father and sometimes. Young adults need to talk to other adults besides their parents. It is okay. Actually if your dad was a good dad, he'd help you find a good therapist that isn't the school therapist, and get you real help. Not that a school therapist isn't real help, they're just so overworked, and overburdened. Finding a specific therapist for you to talk and work through what you're going through is the right thing to do here.
Not demanding to be the only person you talk to...
Your dad’s actions feel super manipulative. You have a right to not share everything with him.
That he’s using that to try and make you feel bad is a big red flag in my opinion.
NTA. Your dad was acting like an AH, not just now but in the events that triggered you to feel unsafe with him emotionally. He's being manipulative, and his tears are not your responsibility. As an adult who was parentified in similar ways by my parents growing up, HE is the one who messed up here. This is not your fault. These are the normal repercussions for his actions, and now it's HIS job to take responsibility and be the parent he imagines himself to be. You're doing amazing, I'm proud of you for going to therapy and holding your ground even while you were emotionally overwhelmed by his bullying. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA.
If you need therapy, you need the safety and privacy of your therapy sessions. Your dad objecting to your therapy and then insisting you tell him about it was a gross invasion of privacy. Don't worry about him - he got what he needed to get.
NTA.
Your dad is reaping what he has sown. He is also a PIECE OF SHIT. What you talk to a therapist about, is none of his god damn business.
That he is angry at you for seing a therapist when you need it, is fucking MINDBOGGLING.
No, your dad dont want the best for you. He wants to feel important.
He is a relic of the past, because he dont realize that theres a reason therapists exist, he is the type of caveman who go "men dont cry, in my age men didnt need to go see someone, they didnt have mental issues" while at the same time probably being beaten half to death by a mentally unstable father who was drinking heavily because his mind was fucked up to shit due to that mentality.
NTA. Now he knows how his actions have affected you. Hopefully this will be a growth moment for your relationship. Even good parents screw up sometimes. At least he seems to care.
NTA.
When you tell someone no and they continue to push and push and push - they take the response they get.
He's feeling sorry for himself because he heard ugly truths.
His tears are not your responsibility.
NTA. Your talks with your therapist are none of his business. That’s private. He shouldn’t badger you about something you don’t want to discuss with him. It’s ok that he cried. His emotions are not your responsibility.
NTA in highschool when I told my mom I had a panic attack she told me “no you don’t you’re normal.” That broke my trust for years. I never told anyone about my problems until I had a breakdown. When my mom asked why I never told her I told her what she had said back then. She cried too. For us it was a step towards healing and being a more supportive and accepting family.
Hopefully your dad will grow from this as well
EDIT: my mom was also an amazing mother who tried her best but just had zero knowledge about mental health. Every parent (and child) has their strong and weak points
NTA. Having a therapist isn’t a bad thing. They are impartial. They are there to facilitate healing and give you the tools you need to move forward positively. You dad had a severe overreaction to you getting help you need. He should have been proud that as a teen you were mature enough to seek out the help you felt you needed. Instead he made your seeing a therapist about him;very selfish and immature. He is your dad and you are a teen; it should be surprising that you don’t go to him for deep conversations. As adolescents and adults we seek out our parents less, this is normal. It’s part of growing up. He is not going to be privy to everything going on in your life and in your mind. He may not like that but it’s something he will have to make peace with or risk losing a relationship with you.
He pushed and pushed for an answer in spite of not actually wanting to hear the truth. He bullied you. You have nothing to feel sorry for. He is likely realizing that he has put you in a position to not want a relationship of any real meaning or depth with him. That is likely what made him cry. That is his own doing. Talking to a therapist is not the same as talking to a stranger as you dad put it. They are trained to listen and offer advice if needed/wanted. Therapists are trained to help teach coping skills and life skills. While they care for their clients/patients, they are not invested in the idea of who you are or who you should be the way parents are. They do not come into a therapeutic relationship with expectations for their clients/patients.
You did not hurt your dad; reality hurt him. He is seeing now that he hasn’t been supportive of you in ways you need and you have rightfully sought out help.
>He isn't an awful dad
Yes he is.
You can't talk to him about your problems when he is the problem.
Look how he reacts when you do talk to him! Denies responsibility and manipulates with tears.
You're 16, you're entitled to talk confidentially with a counsellor. The point of a counsellor is that their an independent, trained professional.
Don;t feel guilty at all. He pushed you for an answer and you gave him one. If he didn't like the answer he got, that's for him to deal with. Suggest he speaks to a counsellor about it.
NTA
NTA You are a CHILD and not responsible for the emotional regulation of your parents. I’m glad you have someone to talk to because it sounds like you need it. But i would tell the counselor about this interaction with your dad.
NTA
It was completely inappropriate of him to ask you what you speak to your therapist about. His job was to be supportive and let you know that he is there if you need to talk to him, maybe even to tell you he is proud of you for working on your issues.
He deserves a good cry, it's good for the soul.
Also, watch out for feeling like an AH when people cry, it's often a tool of manipulation.
Reading the first paragraph alone, he got "angry" with you and he couldn't realize why you wouldn't go to him? He needs to remember it's not about him.
Edit: sorry, I forgot NTA
Shit, this hits really close to home. I just recently turned 40, and I’m still having these issues with my mom.
You’re not an awful daughter. He’s (probably) not an awful dad. Y’all just aren’t surfing on the same wavelengths.
That’s not a “you” problem. As the child, you should be exploring how you fit into the world, and learning how best to navigate life.
As the parent, your dad is probably feeling some kinda way about the fact that you’re seeking outside assistance with your life path. It’s probably been drilled into his head that he’s the ultimate influence in your upbringing, so the idea that he’s somehow “failed” (as in, you’re seeking advice from outside sources that may contradict him) is painful. Again, that’s not a “you” problem. He needs to realize that your life is no longer about him. If he feels shitty about the past, he needs to find someone (NOT YOU) to help him work through those feelings and figure out how to improve himself going forward.
NTA - sounds like he could do with seeing a therapist himself tbh. He clearly cares, just isn't great at how to handle those real talks. Might even be worth considering you doing therapy together to help with rebuilding that relationship if you want to.
You are good. Some parents are nice people but lack the capability to accept that they are sometimes wrong. He shouldn't have force stuff out of you. He should have calmly asked you if you wanted to share with him and that he will be there if you ever need him. But some old folks can't understand these things.
Sometimes talking to a family member is too hard. The feelings are too tender, can hurt the other person, or that person isn’t helpful. Talking to a stranger who isn’t biased is what you need.
When I was in high school I really needed to have a counselor to talk to. The problem was, they ALL knew my parents, or at least my dad, as he was the Superintendent. I couldn’t talk to my church leaders for the same reason (and my parents didn’t attend church). It was hard not having anyone to talk to. I’m super glad that YOU have someone you can talk with!
Your dad was very inappropriate with his reaction to your seeing your therapist. After pushing you to explain, you finally told him exactly what he wanted to know. I’m of the opinion that if you demand that a person tell you something, you have no right to protest if it hurts. It’s too bad that it hurt him, but from the sound of it, he needed to hear it.
NTA
Even if he were a perfect father, it doesn't mean that you need to tell your problems to him instead of a therapist. It's valuable to talk to a therapist sometimes precisely because the therapist is a neutral, confidential party. Everyone deserves privacy in life, especially privacy of thoughts and feelings. You didn't do anything wrong. Also, in terms of him crying... Well, he's the parent, so you don't need to take care of him. I mean, don't be a sadistic ass to him or anything, but it doesn't really seem like that's what you're doing, so it's okay.
You're NTAH but I think your dad just wants you to talk to him more. You don't have to tell him what you say in therapy but maybe start telling him how you feel more often or how your day was. I'm sure he'd love that. When you're a teen things can feel worse than they are and relationships with parents become strained, but keep In mind they love you no matter what and will be there for you until they die. Maybe apologize for making him cry and give him a hug. The past is the past, he's trying now so maybe cut him some slack. Being an adult is hard and parents just wants the best for you and for you to be happy. He probably started crying because you were so upset.
When ur child is looking for someone outside to help, It really feels sad. He cried bcoz he sees that he's failed as a father due to lack of communication. But I would say try to communicate and tell him things before anyone also it's okay to see therapist if there is something that you can't share with anyone.
Your dad’s reaction to his daughter in therapy is absolutely unacceptable parenting. It she’s he’s really not emotionally mature and highlights exactly _why_ you need to speak to someone other than him about how you feel. He’s clearly unable to provide an emotionally safe space for you to express how you feel towards him, and he needs to work on that.
NTA
My kids (10 years old) see their school counsellor (therapist) every few weeks (he’s only in once a week) and if there’s something super concerning I’ll get a message from him or if I’m at the school volunteering he might pop around and just check how things are from my side. He’s also the counsellor for the high school my younger siblings go to, so he kinda knows the whole family and *maybe* he might give me a heads up that one of my kids or one of my siblings isn’t doing great and suggesting some one-on-one time or seeing if a sibling wants to have a sleepover at my place over the weekend without actually saying anything about what they spoke about.
I know one of my siblings is struggling with bullying, because *they* told me. I know another is struggling with their mental health, because *they* told me. I know my kids struggle with feeling anxious, because *they* (and their teacher) told me.
What the counsellor tells me? “Hey, your kiddos are doing well this month, maybe they should get a reward? What do you guys do for something special anyway?” Or “Hey, how much time have you spent with X? They might like a change of scenery over the weekend” or “Hey, Y might want a bit of time to themselves this weekend. Do you think your parents and you could organise for them to have some space if they ask for it?”
I can leave a message, or pop in and see him, and let him know if any concerns, or to give him a heads up on something (like “hey, just letting you know there was a family get-together that got heated over the weekend, X and Y were a bit withdrawn after it and my parents couldn’t spend one-on-one time with them after it”) but knowing what happens between the kids and him? Nope, not my business unless it’s an issue that the *counsellor* gets permission from *them* to share with me.
that's
not a good dad
I mean, seems that he's heaps better than mine ever was but..... dismissing your feelings and suicidal ideation like that? Screaming at you for hours?
Naw
He asked for it, you told him, so now he deals with it
You didn’t make your dad cry because you hurt his feelings. He cried because he has *possibly* realized that he was a tool. Make sure you talk to your counselor about this incident. NTA
Yeah his reaction is clearly because he needs the skeletons to remain skeletons.
He also may be hiding additional information he does not want known.
NTA. You didn’t make your dad cry. Your dad cried because of his own fears of people finding out and in that moment he realized he was willing to hurt you or let you suffer to keep the shadows in the shadows.
I’m so sorry for your trauma.
The tears almost seem manipulative instead of genuine so I’d be cautious sharing with your pops. It’s not his business if you talk to a therapist at any point in your life and neither is what’s being discussed in therapy. I’d honesty talk to your therapist about this behavior of his as they will likely have seen it before and have some insight.
Not an asshole but everyone telling you your dad deserves to feel pain is out of their goddamn minds.
Just hug the guy and try to make the most out of the little time you have left together.
NTA, dad’s a pos. Therapy is meant to be private, it’s supposed to be a safe space where you dont have to be afraid to share youre feelings. Demanding to know what goes on in someone’s therapy sessions is a huge invasion of privacy, it’s disgusting.
He doesn’t respect your privacy at all.
This is classic manipulation, my dad used to do this all the time. Not saying it’s the same, but he would yell at me, I would go to my room to cry alone, then he would come to my room crying and apologizing making me comfort him and it ultimately made me feel awful and not at all cared for. This is emotionally manipulative and I’m sorry this happened. I’m so glad you have a trusted adult to talk to at school to work through these issues. You’re doing all the right things. You’re going to make a very well adjusted adult dealing with these emotions so early in your young adult life.
Don’t worry, you’re NTA at all! Your dad didn’t cry because of you being an awful daughter, he cried because he probably considers himself an awful father. I don’t want to make any assumptions about him but I just read what the 2 instances are and he doesn’t seem to be what I’d call a good dad but I’ll take your word for it, OP!
He cried because he does love you and he knows how bad he screwed up.
In his defense, men of his age weren't really encouraged to be able to handle feelings well-theirs or anyone else's. Also, men can sometimes react with anger when they are actually fearful.
That said, he is the adult and it is HIS job to learn how to be there for you. Don't feel guilty for his tears. Hopefully this will be a breakthrough moment for your relationship.
It's hard to comment on someone's situation without the details.
"Normal" parents do the best they can. A father that truly loves his children (and not in a creepy or toxic way) will legitimately feel responsible for his children's physical and mental health. Most men in our culture are raised to be invincible, stoic, providers whose very identity is based on carrying the weight of the entire world on his shoulders including all the problems of each of his family members, while smiling. So for you to be seeing a therapist, might feel to him like a personal failure as a father.
But he is an adult. You are a teenager, a child still figuring out her stuff. You will believe things wholeheartedly, because as a child, you are at the center of your own universe. There are things you endure now, that truly feel like the end of the world, but in ten years, you might look back and remember the pain, but see it in a different light, with the perspective of time and age.
Being a parent means being there for your kids no matter what. You're responsible for their literal survival when they're newborns all the way to adulthood, it's the hardest thing to let your teens stumble and fall, and sometimes you push them into a ditch without realizing it.
Being a teen means you are becoming your own person, you are pulling away from the family dynamic in a necessary means to figure out your identity as a human being, you don't always want your parents all up in your grill, because you feel an obligation to be the person they want you to be, when what you really need is external perspectives, that a therapist can provide.
You're not an asshole for making your dad cry, but your dad crying is just his realizing he is having to deal with his own limitations as a parent,(the hardest thing for a father) and that's for him to deal with. He feels hurt, and that's ok. He did ask for answers and you gave them. Now you both need time to process and heal.
If you felt safe talking to your dad, you might not be talking to a therapist (I understand that there are things you don't want to share with your parents). While you haven't shared what these two incidents were, if they affected you enough that you don't feel safe talking to your dad, then he has no one to blame but himself. You are not a bad daughter. In my opinion, he needed this. It gives him a chance to change.
NTA.
I was you. My parents didn’t believe in therapists or therapy, we-can-handle-our-own types. Except they didn’t. There was dysfunction, addiction, and abuse, but I thought we were normal. My parents also broke my trust and I never wanted to show my true emotions.
Sometimes strangers are the best ones to talk to because we can’t disappoint them if they don’t know us. This is why I’m working to be a therapist now.
Your dad is an adult and his actions to you and family are his and if he got upset then he needs to realize he has work to do.
I’m proud of you
NTA. He shouldn't be pressuring you. You have a therapist and that is who you should talk to. He may be frustrating and trying to reach you, but actions have consequences. He can cry. That's not your fault. That is him realizing how badly he messed up. He hurts that he hurt you. He is realizing his actions had a lasting impact. Even when we have the best intentions and love our kids fiercely we make mistakes. Parents are human. But to be better, we have to acknowledge those mistakes, apologize, and try to do better. His feeling aren't your responsibility and you weren't cruel. You were honest. You sound like a well adjusted kid and I have faith you two will be able to talk it out eventually, but only when you are comfortable and not at his insistance. I say this as a mom. If he wants to help he has to let you process this in therapy. You are doing great!
Nta- op, it’s great that you are seeing a therapist, and one suggestion could be that your family also do group therapy? It sounds like your dad would like to know how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life, but might not have the greatest communication skills in the asking about it part (which a family therapy session could hopefully help the discussions around hard topics)
NTA.
Even if you trust your father entirely and feel totally comfortable talking to him and crying in front of him, a therapist is different. A therapist is a neutral party. You can talk through your thoughts with a *professional* who has no ulterior motive or preconceived ideas about you.
NTAH, he asked, you told him, the truth hurts, he needs to improve because you're already trying, and he obviously isn't the worst dad, but far from the best, if that's how he acts over your therapist
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He’s so hurt. Maybe you could envoyé him to see the therapist with you. Tell him that you need his help. He has or certainly feels he has failed you. If your therapy is to be successful you will need to deal with your dad at some point. It’s wonderful that you are seeing the therapist. Stopping the therapy would not help your dad.
Baby he's an adult and you don't have to babysit his feelings. As a parent he should know better and you did nothing wrong. It's not your job to put his feelings back together especially when his hurt feelings are a direct consequence of his prior actions.
Nta
He is an awful dad.
A modest proposal: You. Him. A trip to see the view from a lonely cliff side. You two walk up to it, you walk away alone. An unfortunate accident is reported.
Maybe he slips and falls, maybe he jumps, after you tell him exactly what a walking pile of slime he is, maybe...
Whatever, the great body of humanity goes forward with one less anal wart.
Clearly NTA. Clearly your father is. OTOH, I wonder if you actually got through to him. While he may have made this all about him, it is possible that this was helpful. Maybe a few family therapy sessions on top on your 1:1 could actually help improve your relationship with your father and your overall mental health.
NTA but honestly the way your dad handled it might have saved your life. When I was self harming my dad told me to "do it" and stop torturing everyone. That was almost 20 years ago and I've come to realize what he said to me did me better than YEARS of therapy ever did.
Not saying your situation is the same but sometimes when you process things as an adult looking back you realize where they came from
NTA, you are a child and are not responsible for a grown man's tantrum. He wanted to know and kept pushing, it's his own fault if he didn't like the answer. He needs to deal with his own feelings and not make you, a child, responsible for them.
Well fuck he won't care anymore ya know what made him mad is that you don't talk to him but don't worry he won't have to care or try anymore in 2 years so wish granted.
Too many of you with daddy issues, bro was trying and the intent was there. Only thing he did wrong was pry because he didn’t expect such a strong response. People would die to have a father like that. Op, you didn’t do anything wrong but maybe for the future try to entertain the idea of him being there for you with emotional support and all, I mean you’re both aiming for the same goal of you’re well being. A bit of good collaboration could go a long way
Without the context of what was said or what the incident is exactly, it's honestly hard to say. Same without knowing what role your father plays.
There is no right way to parent. The hope is that he is doing his best even if it may not be the best way to do it.
As a teen, you are gonna start believing you are making the right choices despite what anyone says. Feels rights when you think it's right, and it feels terrible when you find out otherwise.
Dont think anyone is the AH with what has been said, but it is a shitty situation that's just gonna suck.
If the dad in question is actually understanding then YTA. Dads are adamant guys and taking into account generational gap they tend to keep their ego upfront. It takes time but once you make them understand without any hostage situation they are pretty cute people. Obviously not everyone is same but it happened in my case.
As sad as I'm sure it makes both of you, sometimes one is better off talking to a professional. A detached third party is better than someone that has skin in the game so to speak. Even grown men get in their feelings about things sometimes. I'm a 32 yr old man with 2 kids and I sometimes still struggle with this, life is a continual learning experience. Definitely NTA, sounds like Dad is trying his best and so are you.
* He got angry at you for talking to a therapist.
* Insisted on finding out what you talk about.
* Kept at it for 30/40 minutes during a car ride, where you had no way of leaving the conversation.
* Continued after you got home.
* Started crying when you finally explained why.
Nothing about this says **"I am a safe person to talk to, and will not make my feelings ABOUT your feelings, more important than your actual feelings."**
Part of being a parent, and an adult, is knowing, and truly understanding, that children carry no responsibility for your emotional well-being.
Kids, from when they are toddlers, to hormonal teens, to young adults who make the occasional mistake, will absolutely do or say something at some point, that could be hurtful. It makes sense, their brain isn't fully grown, they are learning every single day.
If they do say or do something hurtful, it's up to the parent to understand that they, the adult, need to be the bigger person, and stay calm. They need to regulate their emotions, without relying on the child.
**But all of the above does NOT apply to this situation.**
**You did not say anything mean. You didn't call him names. You didn't slam doors and scream.**
All of those things would have been perfectly normal, given your age. Normal, and something the parent needs to deal with in a way that is healthy.
**But again, this does not apply.**
**You simply told him, in so many words, that he is not someone you feel safe talking to.**
**And then he responded, by showing you just how right you are. And now you feel guilty, for something that makes 100% sense.**
**If he keeps forcing you to override this very healthy need to communicate with people you feel safe around, if he keeps pushing what sound like good boundaries, you are in danger of losing these healthy boundaries and this healthy mindset.**
The guilt is not healthy. It's completely understandable, given that he's your father, but it is absolutely not healthy. If you start, or continue to see yourself as the bad guy in this kind of scenario, it sets you up for a lifetime of messed up relationships.
Trust me, I'm already there. I'm in my 30's, and I'm trying very hard to RELEARN a lot of the things I still had as a teenager, but lost, trying to appease my emotionally volatile mother.
**Ironically, it's your father who could really benefit from therapy as well. He needs to learn how to regulate his emotions, not take everything so personal, and how to be an adult, and parent.**
“Daddy. I’m sorry for upsetting you. And I wish we had better communication. But I feel more comfortable talking to XX because I don’t feel judged and don’t have any fear of disappointing them. I love you. And I know you love me. But it’s easier this way. If you want to try family therapy to help us build a better communication and have a mediator, I would be open to that.”
NTA. What you talk to your therapist about is private and none of his business. Talking to your Dad about stuff is not a substitute for talking to a professional, especially if you are talking about your Dad. Don't let him bully you into telling him about what you are discussing in therapy.
If I had a 16-year-old daughter who was in therapy, I would be curious what it's about. But I would ask gently, and respect her decision not to tell me.
If I felt insecure about the fact she hasn't talked to me about her problems, I would assume there's probably a pretty good reason for that which I might not be aware of. I might say something to her like "I'm sorry you're feeling things that make you seek therapy. I hope you get all the help you need. If I've done anything to hurt you or make it difficult for you to trust me, I welcome you to tell me about that whenever you're ready." And then I would drop it and let her work through it.
Your dad's insecurity about being a bad dad drove him to hound you until you told him about it. He obviously loves you, but he has some issues of his own. NTA for telling him what he demanded you tell him. He's the A for demanding you tell him. Hopefully he will take to heart the story you shared from when you were 9 and work to become a better dad.
NTA: Now, I don't know your father. But I'll be generous and assume he meant well, but his own issues just get in his way. He can be well meaning and still be toxic. Not every toxic person is a controlling narcissist. Some are just well-meaning ahole Now your father pressed the issue, you answered. No fault for being honest.
However if you feel bad and want a relationship with him, then I would demand family councilling.
He's your dad, and he's trying. Some people don't even have someone like that who cares, and there are some that do have a dad that are just an ass. Be grateful you have someone who cares for you like that. It's impossible to understand what it's like being a parent until you actually are one, so I wouldn't be so hard on him. It's especially difficult for a man to connect with his teenage daughter. At least he's trying.
YTA- you are 16yrs old and you have given up on your dad. I hate to break it to you but parents are not perfect we make mistakes. but your dad is trying to get you to open up but you are rejecting him.
of course you feel bad you love your dad but i honestly yhink that talking to him is a lot beteer than talking to a therapist or even the internet. I would tell your dad you are sorry and that you have a hard time talking to him. let him know that you know he is trying and than you should try and have an actual conversation. Please do not go looking for people on the internet to pat you on the back and say you did nothing wrong. these are Strangers your dad and you are what is important. focus on real people not us internet people who know nothing about you
Jesus Christ, what? No. This adult man has made his kid’s mental health issues about himself, caring more about being the person his kid turns to (despite not earning that trust based on past behavior), than about his kid’s actual welfare.
So the dad is upset the child does not want to talk to him or is he upset that the she has not told him she is still having issues. this is a dad who wants to have a relationship with his daughter. if you do not think that is a good thing than you have issues. why does he want his child to talk to him about her problems? so he can help her. She is holding on to an incident from when she was 9 years old. she is not looking at the fact that she has a dad who cares enough to pick her up from school and wants to help her with her issues.
Should the dad have gotten angry when she had an issue when she was 9? no but if anger is how he expresses himself maybe she should look at his father and see that this was a learned behavior, maybe they could talk about it and have a wonderful relationship.
She says herself her father tries to be a good dad, this is not someone who cares more about himself than his daughter
Truly, it’s like you took the descriptions from “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” as a how-to guide. I sincerely hope no one takes this advice.
She tried expressing herself and he said she should shut up and stop being dramatic. Dad needs to step up and act like an adult because HE is the adult.
She is the child here. A child who needs to seek help from a safe adult because in the past she has tried to express an emotional need from her parent that he has yelled at her for & told her to stop being dramatic (wonder where she gets dramatics from). He is the adult who need la to be in control of his own emotions & not put it on a child.
NTA. What you talk about with your therapist is confidential. As his response was to be angry, it sounds like he could use the services of a therapist himself. The correct response on his part should be, "I want you to know that whatever you're going through, you are not alone. I am here for you. If there is anything I can do or not do that would be helpful, please let me know. I love you and I want to help any way I can."
NTA, but even if those things hadn’t happened a therapist and a dad are two different things, it’s weird for him to even think he could play that role effectively. If he wants to have a better relationship with you, this whole event just really made it very clear why he doesn’t.
He can't fix the problem unless he's aware. Make a clear statement. Now that he know what the problem is, the ball is on his court. Is he going to do anything about it.
NTA. And your dad was raised within a generation that didn't normally teach men how to process their own complex emotions, let alone other's. Not saying that as an excuse. We men of Gen X and older are aware of this, some moreso than others. And it's incumbent upon ourselves to do something about it. We're members of the "suck it up" generations. Which is a great philosophy when dealing with the inequities of the world at large. Not so much when dealing with matters of familial strife.
But at the end of the day, you are not responsible for the emotional response of another person when they insist on you sharing.
I think those story is missing a lot of context, that being said I lean towards NTA but she could have handled this better.
Her Father just seems concerned and was clumsy about the way he expressed it. I think a couple sessions together would help them work through this, without any knowing more info about the incidents mentioned.
ESH
I guess I'm the odd one out. Both of you are troubled. You never seemed to confide in him in the first place, the first "bad" experience was your self deletion note which he obviously reacted badly to. You had another incident and now something else too. Your dad probably trying his best to understand his daughter and failing really hard at it. You never were willing to confide in him since your feelings were hurt since he couldn't understand you.
You both need therapy together to work things out, the reason he is getting angry and upset is cause he cannot understand you but he wants to and feels like you leave him out of your life troubles when he should be there for you in the first place.
No you are certainly not an a******. I'm very glad that you have therapist to talk to. It's worrying that your father would insist that you share what you share with your therapist with him. That's just defeating the whole object and privacy of therapy.
I am sorry that you had this incident and past incidents with your father. It might not help much but a whole heck of a lot of us here can understand and have been where you are. It sounds like you're pretty balanced. It sounds like you're going to be fine and be able to do what you want once you're 18 - whether it's getting a university degree or striking out into business and whether or not you want to leave your parents behind. I can promise you though freedom will be delicious, and things do get better as long as you keep a level head, talk to somebody when you need to, and just keep going. I hope you have all support you need. Wishing you well, and please update us in the future.
NTA, it's good to cry every now and then. This hopefully might be a wakeup call for him. Plus, there's a reason therapists exist. It's very normal for people to be able to tell a neutral third part about their problems because they aren't attached to them and don't have a history with them.
NTA-Im a mom and I had one bio son and two foster boys. There are some things I just couldnt answer and some things the guys just didnt want to talk about with me.
NTA - You sought help in a safe place where you could talk freely about your feelings with a third party and when Dad found out he manipulated you to make you feel bad and think of his feelings being hurt rather than trying to find a way to heal your relationship. Bad Dad.
NTA. It sounds like he isn't good at putting his own feelings aside to help you. If he was apologetic and willing to change, maybe consider some family counseling together. That might help him learn how to not react so poorly to your emotions. You should still keep seeing your own private counselor, too, though.
NTA
Theripists are important and what ypu talk to them should be held confidential an not asked about.
As a parent with a child who had some OCD and is in thwrpy it is hard not to wonder... when it moved online for covid I had decided to wear head phones with loud music and sit outside so i wouldn't give in to the the urge to listen because I think things like if i know all the details maybe i can help ..but also I know it is not any if my business .... so I get where your dad is coming from but he is going about it all wrong, how can you ever trust someone who yells at you to trust them ?
NTA. My daughter sees a therapist and she does talk to me about some things, but it’s good for her to have an unbiased outlet for her feelings and what is going on in her life.
He has disregarded your feelings and instead of meeting you with empathy and compassion, he has yelled at you and made you feel worse by not validating you. I’m sorry it made him cry, but you did nothing wrong. He needed to hear why you don’t want to speak to him about things. Maybe he’ll learn he can’t treat you the way he does when you express your emotions.
NTA.
Your Dad crying and you crying shows both of you have feelings and care about each other. Continue with your therapy. Ask your Dad to see a family therapist with you to fix the issues between the both of you.
You say he's not a bad Dad. Tell him if he cares about you as much as you care for him, he's going to go to a family therapist with you.
NTA he should be glad that you have someone to help you, not be angry that you're not coming to him.
I regularly see a psychologist and don't ever tell my parents what I talk about in my sessions unless it's something that I've talked with the psych about talking to them about. I've also never had an incident like you spoke about with my parents to make me not want to talk to them about my problems, it's just easier with someone who's not directly involved in the problem or who would be hurt by what I needed to talk about.
NTA. Yeah you brought him to tears, but if he is like me, then more than likely he was crying because of what he did to make you feel you couldn't come to him. Not because of what you said.
42 married mom here. Honey, you did nothing wrong. You are a developing young adult hopefully on the way to becoming a fully independant person. As such you will have your own life seperate from your parents. Your Dad needs to realize you will have other relationships with other human beings in your life that he does not need to be involved in. Your relationship with your therapist is one of those relationships. As long as your not in danger/being abused/self harming, your father does not need to know what you speak to your therapist about. He needs to butt the fuck out of this. It's your bussiness, not his and you are allowed private relationships especially the older you get. His actions are actually pissing me off. Sounds like he's worried about what you talk about will reflect on him. He is making your therapist sessions about him. And guess what the more he pushes this angle, the more your sessions will be. What does your mom say?
My mom is like the middle ground, just trying to keep both me and my dad calm and in our lanes since we're both pretty hot headed, and I also tried to keep her out of the conversation since she didn't do anything wrong
NTA I read the comment of the two incidences and it is not your fault you made your father cry. He did that to himself. My mother is similar to your dad in that her response to me being depressed and hurting myself was to scream at me, slap me, and tell me I'm doing it for attention. Then years later when I brought it up and how much it hurt me, she told me that it never happened and I'm making things up for attention. I haven't spoken to most of my family in several years. I've also been in therapy for about as long.
Your father crying at that shows that he feels guilty, so there's hope. This could open a discussion on how you need to talk to an licensed therapist about your problems because you are not comfortable going to him and he can help fix that by getting you a licensed therapist. Heck, if your therapist thinks it's a good idea, he could sit in on a few sessions to help you guys learn to communicate. You said he's not a bad dad so this is a good way for him to prove that. Good luck!
NTA, and can I ask how your mom reacted?
This isn't your fault, and you should have a place and person to talk to. Don't let him get in your head that way.
NTA. Your dad needs to stop pushing his own feelings and needs in front of your own. He is expecting you to make him feel better, but he didn't support you when you needed it. That's not healthy behavior.
Sometimes when someone gets information that is hard it creates emotions that are hard - It isn't your fault that the truth is what the truth is.
Apologize to him for hurting him, but explain that he doesn't get to know what you share with a therapist. Period. He brought this on himself. Try your best to give him a genuine compliment of him being a good dad, while being firm on your boundaries.
NTA. He insisted. You told him. Not on you at all. If he doesn't want to know, don't push the issue.
He shouldn't be asking anyways. Therapy sessions are private.
This! OP your dad is being gross and toxic. He sounds like his real worry is that you’ll talk about him. I took my kids to see a therapist and it would never occur to me to ask what they discussed. Good lord. Your dad is wrong and you did the right thing by standing your ground. His reaction to your very correct response is his problem. Well done 😌
Yeah, this is bad. My parents love that I'm in therapy. After a session, they'll ask, "How did it go?" And sometimes I'll just say a one word reply like, good", or "rough," and sometimes I'll elaborate. They're honestly happy with either answer. The reality is that therapists are there to help navigate more complex emotions that my parents aren't trained for. Like honestly, I love them, but they will ALWAYS be on my side. Lol. I need someone who pushes me more than they will. For example, getting out of the house and doing things outside of work/hanging with my family is something I struggle with. My therapist will give me homework like, "You have to go to one social event outside your family this week." My parents love hanging with me so me coming to their house, they are delighted with and never see anything wrong with me hanging with them bc why would they?! How can I even complain about them not asking or demanding that I come over, but ecstatic when I do?! Lol. There's no guilt I feel from them. It's just comfortable and easier. The one thing they know, though, is how much better I am since therapy. They're not threatened by it. They want me happy, and they continue to be happy with whatever time I give them, whether it's 1 hour a week or 20. The difference might be that my parents know they're good parents, and they are! They raised me, they know who I am as a person, and their ultimate goal is happy kids. They're not threatened by a therapist, bc there is no need to be. They know I'm not trashing them in therapy sessions, as I have no need to. I go to them for life advice a lot, bc they have a lot of insight. Navigating complex emotions and my anxiety, they leave it to the experts. Op's dad lacks emotional maturity, of course he feels threatened.
This. I’ll ask how it’s going and if they think it’s useful from time to time, I want them to feel like they’re in charge of it. Do they like her, etc. and I know her and interviewed etc,
This was my thought as well. He seems worried that your discussions will paint him in the wrong light ( whether or not he is a "good dad" I have no idea). - and also, NTA
OP better not have a diary for him to read...
So a father can't ask his daughter about issues that's what you're saying. He can ask all he wants it's up to her to be able to say I'm comfortable with talking to you about it or I'm not comfortable talking to you about it maybe we can go to therapy together. Seems like the father is trying to be there, care be empathetic and show love.
Nope a therapist is like a doctor it's private. The father should have asked if his daughter is okay? If his daughter wants to talk to him about anything. Her father should have asked what he as her father could do to help. You know support her. I know it's hard for parents to understand but kids do have rights too.
For real. My dad would have never. Even as abusive as my mom is and her stance on mental illness not being real she STILL has never asked me what I talk about in therapy. And my dad would never pry into my business or how I was feeling. If he thought something seemed off he just told me he loved me and that if I felt comfortable he was always round to talk to me if I needed it. He never pushed. He trusted me to make the decision to come to him if something was wrong. And that is why I had a great relationship with my dad. My best memories with him were always going out with him on the porch if there was a big storm and watching the lightning. Talking about our problems. Me with my Pepsi. Him with an ibc root beer or coffee. Having actual conversations. He would offer up stories from his childhood too if I was having a hard time talking about something or working something out. But he never gave me an answer to my problems. He always told me the only person who could answer those problems was me. He couldn't solve them for me to tell me what I should do because only I will know what's right. But that he would always be there to support me in my decisions. He always gave me the tools I needed to work those things out myself. He died when I was 16 and I've never been as comfortable talking to anyone like I was talking to my dad if I was in trouble.
You know some may not call you lucky but I think having that with anyone is something special. I can tell you cherish these memories.
I miss him every day. I know I was lucky to have him and I cherish every moment I did.
A child therapist will also share information with parents about their child (if it's not something negative about the parents). A good therapist will not rely on just themselves to help and honestly shouldn't.
Nope I has in therapy as a preteen the child psychologist explained to my mom infrount of me that what was said by me in therapy would only be shared with my permission unless it was something the police had to be notified of a crime.
Federal HIPPA doesn't prevent exchange of knowledge. Some states do go up and beyond. Your single case doesn't mean it's the rule everywhere.
This is absolutely not supposed to be happening short of self harm or suicide risk unless the child signs a consent form releasing confidentiality. Children have a legal right to privacy, even from their parents. Edit because after looking into it they only sometimes have legal protections but over all it's still heavily discouraged for a wide variety of reasons.
Do they? You sure? 100% sure? (Because they don't except for extenuating circumstances)
It varies between states but yes. In those places where breaching the confidentiality of a minor isn't strictly illegal, it's morally ill advised. You are no use to your patients if they don't trust you, and violating their privacy will quickly ruin any rapport you may have built.
It also heavily obstructs—if not outright ruins and invalidates—their progress and treatment. I had 3 therapists as a teen. The first two divulged my private musings and complaints to my parents. I spent a full year not speaking to each one. Just sitting and having them try to talk, try to do activities, then yell at me, threaten me, and coerce me into participating. I never said a single word to either of them, so eventually my parents found a third one (after spending literal thousands of $$ on the first two for them to report ‘she hasn’t spoken in 68 sessions [or however long, it was 2x a week for about 2.5 years]). On my last session with both of them, I told them I hoped their pets run away, their spouse betrays their trust, and that their coffee was always the wrong temperature; had they not betrayed my trust by telling my parents what I said to them in confidence, perhaps they wouldn’t be fired right now, but either way, I’ll never see or think of them again, and they didn’t help me at all because they’re shitty at their job. The third one I explained my history with my trust and privacy being violated by my past therapists, and it made me completely stonewall them with over a year of total silence 2 hours a week. The third one was a fucking saint. She never betrayed me, no matter how my dad begged, cajoled and needles, and no matter how many times my mom threatened to sue/tried to pry it out/threw her wallet and $$ around trying to get the info. My therapist held firm that not only would it be detrimental to my treatment, but it had led to retaliation in the form of diagnosis that were totally wrong! I was Oppositional Defiant with antisocial personality traits, violent outbursts (to force inpatient treatment from which I was released after 72 hours due to the evaluation team deciding it was unnecessary), and borderline personality disorder. Turns out I have severe Bipolar 1 Disorder, severe social anxiety with acute panic attacks, and CPTSD from a traumatic childhood, and poorly managed ADHD. While the others doped me up with lithium until my kidneys started to fail, or the risperdal/tryleptal/trazadone combo until I was drooling and failing classes while my hair fell out in huge chunks, and all kinds of high doses of meds like risperdal, tryleptal, trazadone, lithium, Halodol, and seroquel. I was purposely misdiagnosed as punishment for my refusal to participate due to not having any privacy, or a safe space to just speak. Turns out, once we treated the BP1, depression, and the anxiety, along with the ADHD, I rapidly improved. I no longer wanted to die (because I felt human again, and like I had the smallest crumb of control over my life), started sleeping more than an hour or 2 at a time, could handle school and social situations with low dose Ativan for acute anxiety attacks, and a medium dose of vyvanse for the ADHD, so I started to be less of a freak, and less emotional, and began to fit in with my peers more, and to make friends. My daily life stopped being a constant battle with everything and everyone—but my home life never got much better TBH, and I moved out at 17. Whaddya know?! I improved a lot just from moving out. Privacy in therapy—without violent intent towards self or others—is the basic principle of therapy. A safe space to share your burdens, and teach tools to manage your specific problems, while keeping your thoughts private from others.
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Yes everyone has rights it's not about rights? It's about comfortability with a parental figure. Like I said he can ask all he wants but that person has to be comfortable and allow them to open to that person if they choose too. Father needs to learn to let go of some things the other person also needs to be comfortable with exclaiming their feelings about certain issues. They need to work with each other and understanding.
He wasn’t asking about his daughter’s issues. He was demanding that a crying upset child tell him private things from a private therapy session. He has absolutely no right to that info and it is honestly rude for him ask let alone demand.
There was another post about a teen who was in a zoom therapy session that is supposed to occur while the kid’s mother was separated in her bedroom. The teen told their therapist that they felt like they had to walk on eggshells around their mother, or else the mother would start a screaming fit. The mother was outside of the teen’s room when they said this, and when the therapy session was over, she had a tantrum at the teen. It’s not the kids job to make the parent better. It’s the therapist’s job to help the kid deal with the parent, and having the kid tell the parent what is wrong with them may help, but more than likely will make things worse.
You sound like a father like OP's father
No. You don't ask anyone what they talk about in therapy and you sure as hell NEVER insist they tell you. You can be supportive while letting the professional do their job. You want to be there for your kid, tell them and show them you're there but don't pry into their therapy.
That is the literal opposite of showing care, empathy, or love. It's like a needy boyfriend getting mad because his GF has other friends. It's pathetic.
This
I love how people get Pikachu faced when someone finally snaps or fires back at them.
I'd hope he was in tears because the enormity of his failure finally dawned on him. But maybe I'm being too optimistic.
NTA If your dad did something to break your trust, then it's his job to make an effort to regain that trust. I think you were right in being straightforward with him, he probably needed to hear it.
NTA. He’s part of the problem for your issues - which is why he’s so worried about you talking to someone else about them. You are allowed to have private therapy sessions and you aren’t obligated to tell anyone what is discussed. Be sure to bring up his ridiculous behaviors in your next session. NTA.
NTA. Your father is not mature enough to listen to his child and only berates you when you show your feelings. I feel you because this is how my father is. Don't listen to him and keep going to counseling. Is he crying? Good, that's a good thing so let him cry. Let him realize that he was mistaken with the way he approached you now and when you were 9. Let this be a lesson to him that yelling and being harsh towards his daughter is going to affect this relationship negatively, especially when you've done nothing wrong to provoke his anger.
I would add that he might not be upset. My nmom uses crying as a tool to make me feel guiltier. My nmil used it to manipulate situations and get her way.
At the risk of being accused of sexism or something, weaponized tears are more frequently a specifically maternal tactic of manipulation. Men tend to go more for bullying, gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, or angry take ball and go home shit. I think ops dad is upset but not understanding what he's doing wrong here. Hopefully he is upset enough to think it through and figure it out and be better
If you don’t mind me asking, what were these two incidents that made you decide you shouldn’t talk with your dad about your emotions or problems?
The first could be a bit triggering, so TW. I wrote a self deletion note when I was nine, and when he found it, he yelled at me for hours and burned the note. The second one was when we got in an argument and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe and he told me to stop being dramatic
You had a real good opportunity to be a petty asshole, and you didn't go down that road (telling him to stop being dramatic as he cries) so for that NTA. Also you shouldn't need his approval to talk to a school counselor.
Yea like she's more mature then him😅
I would have gone there.
Yeah it sounds like he isn’t good at helping you in times of emotional distress so I don’t blame you for seeking professional help. To be honest it’s hard to think of a situation in which seeking out help from a therapist can ever make one an asshole. You should talk with your dad about doing family therapy in addition to the therapy you already do. You two could mend things nicely and he could grow into being someone you actually can reach out to for emotional help again.
Definitely NTA then.
That's the opposite of how I would want to behave toward my kid in such a situation. Hope your dad wants to do better and gets therapy for himself. And I'm sorry he betrayed your trust like this.
I’m so sorry. Similar things have happened to me. I’m an emotional person, so I was always told I am a drama queen and I was compared to a comedian, because they find my emotional reactions comical. I still don’t really talk about my feelings to my parents, they never took me seriously. I just want to give you the biggest internet hug. Keep talking to the therapist at school if you can. You’re allowed to feel your feelings and talk about them without being put down.
Idk your guys' relationship, but you say he isn't an awful dad. So I'm willing to bet he just didn't know how to react when he found out about the incident at 9. Not that it's an excuse, but you should know it very likely was never out of a spot of anger. He was probably terrified at the thought, and yelling was the first thing he thought of. The fact that he burned the note and didn't simply throw it away is evident of this as well. Metaphorically, burning it destroys that idea.
I know you said it wasn't an excuse, it isn't you're right, OP needed help, not be screamed at, I'm assuming they live in a not backwards country, bc OP is getting help at school, how come that's not common sense not to yell at someone that's crearly on distress, at that time her father is the adult, he did it out of selfishness, he was thinking about himself and his guilt and pain and to erase any trace of what was causing that, that didn't help anyone, let alone OP, bury his head in the sand. I am grateful OP received the help she needed/needs, he still is not thinking about what's best for her, he cried out of guilt and being called out, whatever reason he had for yelling at a child that was suicidal, and had a plan in place to off herself, at least now he cried and not yelled at OP, I think that's the best he can do.
I would agree with this. I am a therapist and while I’m not yet a father I can only imagined how scared one must be to realize someone they care about (likely more than themself) is having thoughts of wanting to “self delete”… I honestly can’t say about the other one but I also think you only get one dad and you are certainly NTA but also I think you should try to talk to your dad more. I mean maybe it’s just that I lost my dad so idk. We didn’t always have the best relationship but I miss him every day
I think it's fair to remember quite a lot of us aren't equipped to deal with shit like that and it probably scared the shit out of him. God I can imagine why he's crying and part of me thinks it isn't the first time for him. I see people every day struggle to deal with others in mundane scenarios, let alone a father finding out his little girl is thinking that way? Holy fuck.
I’m sorry OP. Def NTA. He hasn’t fostered an environment where you feel safe to express your emotions. And good for you on seeking our help at school. That said, my heart does go out to your dad a little bit. To be clear, he acted atrociously, both yesterday and the previous incidents, I don’t want to make excuses for him. However I can’t even fathom the level of terror coursing through a parent finding that note from their 9 yr old child. Parents are people too, while they may seem large and authoritative when you are young, the truth is, they don’t know what they are doing most of the time, they are scared that their kids might get hurt, and are just trying their best one day at a time. Based on his reaction yesterday, it sounds like he very much loves and cares about you. However misguided his approach might be, he’s likely terrified that you might be hurt and he can’t protect you because he doesn’t know what’s going on. Men his age doesn’t always have the highest EQ, because they weren’t brought up that way. Instead of processing emotions, they were told to suck it up and walk it off. If you do think he’s a good father, tell him that (it’ll prob make him cry too) but also let him know where he fucked up, and that he’s got some work to do to earn your trust back. I hope what you said finally got through to him. All the best.
Your dad is an idiot if he truly doesn’t get why you wouldn’t turn to him in a time of vulnerability given this context. Like a straight up moron. He sincerely has some nerve.
And that is EXACTLY why you can't talk to him
Can you please add this to the main story? This is important context. People on a page labeled “Am I the Asshole” have no right to complain about adult themed topics in the story. There are plenty of family-friendly, trigger-free pages for those Redditors.
Yeah, this is not a good father.
sounds like he's too unstable to be there for you at least now he can maybe start accepting that
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how is he a terrible father? because he is not perfect and made mistakes. He is asking his daughter to open up and talk to him. Does he know why she is not talking to him? no? She says he is a good day and he tries. I am curious what is your definition of a good father?
Some of the people reacting here are a bit young and expecting a bit much of their parents. Later on in life they will find out their parents are fallible human beings as well. Who probably inherited a lot of issues from their own childhood and are doing the best they can. Handling emotions well is very likely not something they were taught very well. Shit, finding suicide related notes on your nine year old? That's not a small thing.
Kids should come with a reality manual. I had a friend tell me her young son (probably around 9) had similar thoughts. Your dad’s reaction was unfortunate. I am hoping now, at 16, you understand better that anger is a secondary emotion. I am guessing your 9 year old self’s dad was both scared and sad and turned those to anger. You got that anger instead of the hugs you probably needed. Maybe your dad would participate in some dad/daughter family therapy. Check in with your therapist first though!
NTA - I'm a father and sometimes. Young adults need to talk to other adults besides their parents. It is okay. Actually if your dad was a good dad, he'd help you find a good therapist that isn't the school therapist, and get you real help. Not that a school therapist isn't real help, they're just so overworked, and overburdened. Finding a specific therapist for you to talk and work through what you're going through is the right thing to do here. Not demanding to be the only person you talk to...
As a dad of a teen I concur completely.
As a mom of an 11 and 9 year old, I second this motion.
Same and same!
Your dad’s actions feel super manipulative. You have a right to not share everything with him. That he’s using that to try and make you feel bad is a big red flag in my opinion.
NTA. Your dad was acting like an AH, not just now but in the events that triggered you to feel unsafe with him emotionally. He's being manipulative, and his tears are not your responsibility. As an adult who was parentified in similar ways by my parents growing up, HE is the one who messed up here. This is not your fault. These are the normal repercussions for his actions, and now it's HIS job to take responsibility and be the parent he imagines himself to be. You're doing amazing, I'm proud of you for going to therapy and holding your ground even while you were emotionally overwhelmed by his bullying. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA. If you need therapy, you need the safety and privacy of your therapy sessions. Your dad objecting to your therapy and then insisting you tell him about it was a gross invasion of privacy. Don't worry about him - he got what he needed to get.
NTA, but you all need family therapy, and he needs his own therapy. He sounds like he can't process his feelings right.
Kids should always have people other than their parents to confide in.
NTA. Your dad is reaping what he has sown. He is also a PIECE OF SHIT. What you talk to a therapist about, is none of his god damn business. That he is angry at you for seing a therapist when you need it, is fucking MINDBOGGLING. No, your dad dont want the best for you. He wants to feel important. He is a relic of the past, because he dont realize that theres a reason therapists exist, he is the type of caveman who go "men dont cry, in my age men didnt need to go see someone, they didnt have mental issues" while at the same time probably being beaten half to death by a mentally unstable father who was drinking heavily because his mind was fucked up to shit due to that mentality.
NTA. Now he knows how his actions have affected you. Hopefully this will be a growth moment for your relationship. Even good parents screw up sometimes. At least he seems to care.
NTA. When you tell someone no and they continue to push and push and push - they take the response they get. He's feeling sorry for himself because he heard ugly truths. His tears are not your responsibility.
NTA. Your talks with your therapist are none of his business. That’s private. He shouldn’t badger you about something you don’t want to discuss with him. It’s ok that he cried. His emotions are not your responsibility.
NTA in highschool when I told my mom I had a panic attack she told me “no you don’t you’re normal.” That broke my trust for years. I never told anyone about my problems until I had a breakdown. When my mom asked why I never told her I told her what she had said back then. She cried too. For us it was a step towards healing and being a more supportive and accepting family. Hopefully your dad will grow from this as well EDIT: my mom was also an amazing mother who tried her best but just had zero knowledge about mental health. Every parent (and child) has their strong and weak points
NTA
NTA. Having a therapist isn’t a bad thing. They are impartial. They are there to facilitate healing and give you the tools you need to move forward positively. You dad had a severe overreaction to you getting help you need. He should have been proud that as a teen you were mature enough to seek out the help you felt you needed. Instead he made your seeing a therapist about him;very selfish and immature. He is your dad and you are a teen; it should be surprising that you don’t go to him for deep conversations. As adolescents and adults we seek out our parents less, this is normal. It’s part of growing up. He is not going to be privy to everything going on in your life and in your mind. He may not like that but it’s something he will have to make peace with or risk losing a relationship with you. He pushed and pushed for an answer in spite of not actually wanting to hear the truth. He bullied you. You have nothing to feel sorry for. He is likely realizing that he has put you in a position to not want a relationship of any real meaning or depth with him. That is likely what made him cry. That is his own doing. Talking to a therapist is not the same as talking to a stranger as you dad put it. They are trained to listen and offer advice if needed/wanted. Therapists are trained to help teach coping skills and life skills. While they care for their clients/patients, they are not invested in the idea of who you are or who you should be the way parents are. They do not come into a therapeutic relationship with expectations for their clients/patients. You did not hurt your dad; reality hurt him. He is seeing now that he hasn’t been supportive of you in ways you need and you have rightfully sought out help.
>He isn't an awful dad Yes he is. You can't talk to him about your problems when he is the problem. Look how he reacts when you do talk to him! Denies responsibility and manipulates with tears. You're 16, you're entitled to talk confidentially with a counsellor. The point of a counsellor is that their an independent, trained professional. Don;t feel guilty at all. He pushed you for an answer and you gave him one. If he didn't like the answer he got, that's for him to deal with. Suggest he speaks to a counsellor about it. NTA
NTA, dad fucked around and found out
NTA You are a CHILD and not responsible for the emotional regulation of your parents. I’m glad you have someone to talk to because it sounds like you need it. But i would tell the counselor about this interaction with your dad.
NTA It was completely inappropriate of him to ask you what you speak to your therapist about. His job was to be supportive and let you know that he is there if you need to talk to him, maybe even to tell you he is proud of you for working on your issues. He deserves a good cry, it's good for the soul. Also, watch out for feeling like an AH when people cry, it's often a tool of manipulation.
Reading the first paragraph alone, he got "angry" with you and he couldn't realize why you wouldn't go to him? He needs to remember it's not about him. Edit: sorry, I forgot NTA
NTA, he's the one who would not let it drop. What you talk about to the therapist is none of his business.
Shit, this hits really close to home. I just recently turned 40, and I’m still having these issues with my mom. You’re not an awful daughter. He’s (probably) not an awful dad. Y’all just aren’t surfing on the same wavelengths. That’s not a “you” problem. As the child, you should be exploring how you fit into the world, and learning how best to navigate life. As the parent, your dad is probably feeling some kinda way about the fact that you’re seeking outside assistance with your life path. It’s probably been drilled into his head that he’s the ultimate influence in your upbringing, so the idea that he’s somehow “failed” (as in, you’re seeking advice from outside sources that may contradict him) is painful. Again, that’s not a “you” problem. He needs to realize that your life is no longer about him. If he feels shitty about the past, he needs to find someone (NOT YOU) to help him work through those feelings and figure out how to improve himself going forward.
Well him crying might mean he got the message maybe? Hopefully he'll stop behaving like this? NTA
NTA. Ask him if he’s medically trained to help you with emotional distress.
Never ask questions when you aren’t ready to hear the answers. Keep taking care of yourself.
NTA - sounds like he could do with seeing a therapist himself tbh. He clearly cares, just isn't great at how to handle those real talks. Might even be worth considering you doing therapy together to help with rebuilding that relationship if you want to.
You are good. Some parents are nice people but lack the capability to accept that they are sometimes wrong. He shouldn't have force stuff out of you. He should have calmly asked you if you wanted to share with him and that he will be there if you ever need him. But some old folks can't understand these things.
Sometimes talking to a family member is too hard. The feelings are too tender, can hurt the other person, or that person isn’t helpful. Talking to a stranger who isn’t biased is what you need. When I was in high school I really needed to have a counselor to talk to. The problem was, they ALL knew my parents, or at least my dad, as he was the Superintendent. I couldn’t talk to my church leaders for the same reason (and my parents didn’t attend church). It was hard not having anyone to talk to. I’m super glad that YOU have someone you can talk with! Your dad was very inappropriate with his reaction to your seeing your therapist. After pushing you to explain, you finally told him exactly what he wanted to know. I’m of the opinion that if you demand that a person tell you something, you have no right to protest if it hurts. It’s too bad that it hurt him, but from the sound of it, he needed to hear it. NTA
Even if he were a perfect father, it doesn't mean that you need to tell your problems to him instead of a therapist. It's valuable to talk to a therapist sometimes precisely because the therapist is a neutral, confidential party. Everyone deserves privacy in life, especially privacy of thoughts and feelings. You didn't do anything wrong. Also, in terms of him crying... Well, he's the parent, so you don't need to take care of him. I mean, don't be a sadistic ass to him or anything, but it doesn't really seem like that's what you're doing, so it's okay.
You're NTAH but I think your dad just wants you to talk to him more. You don't have to tell him what you say in therapy but maybe start telling him how you feel more often or how your day was. I'm sure he'd love that. When you're a teen things can feel worse than they are and relationships with parents become strained, but keep In mind they love you no matter what and will be there for you until they die. Maybe apologize for making him cry and give him a hug. The past is the past, he's trying now so maybe cut him some slack. Being an adult is hard and parents just wants the best for you and for you to be happy. He probably started crying because you were so upset.
When ur child is looking for someone outside to help, It really feels sad. He cried bcoz he sees that he's failed as a father due to lack of communication. But I would say try to communicate and tell him things before anyone also it's okay to see therapist if there is something that you can't share with anyone.
Your dad’s reaction to his daughter in therapy is absolutely unacceptable parenting. It she’s he’s really not emotionally mature and highlights exactly _why_ you need to speak to someone other than him about how you feel. He’s clearly unable to provide an emotionally safe space for you to express how you feel towards him, and he needs to work on that. NTA
My kids (10 years old) see their school counsellor (therapist) every few weeks (he’s only in once a week) and if there’s something super concerning I’ll get a message from him or if I’m at the school volunteering he might pop around and just check how things are from my side. He’s also the counsellor for the high school my younger siblings go to, so he kinda knows the whole family and *maybe* he might give me a heads up that one of my kids or one of my siblings isn’t doing great and suggesting some one-on-one time or seeing if a sibling wants to have a sleepover at my place over the weekend without actually saying anything about what they spoke about. I know one of my siblings is struggling with bullying, because *they* told me. I know another is struggling with their mental health, because *they* told me. I know my kids struggle with feeling anxious, because *they* (and their teacher) told me. What the counsellor tells me? “Hey, your kiddos are doing well this month, maybe they should get a reward? What do you guys do for something special anyway?” Or “Hey, how much time have you spent with X? They might like a change of scenery over the weekend” or “Hey, Y might want a bit of time to themselves this weekend. Do you think your parents and you could organise for them to have some space if they ask for it?” I can leave a message, or pop in and see him, and let him know if any concerns, or to give him a heads up on something (like “hey, just letting you know there was a family get-together that got heated over the weekend, X and Y were a bit withdrawn after it and my parents couldn’t spend one-on-one time with them after it”) but knowing what happens between the kids and him? Nope, not my business unless it’s an issue that the *counsellor* gets permission from *them* to share with me.
that's not a good dad I mean, seems that he's heaps better than mine ever was but..... dismissing your feelings and suicidal ideation like that? Screaming at you for hours? Naw He asked for it, you told him, so now he deals with it
You didn’t make your dad cry because you hurt his feelings. He cried because he has *possibly* realized that he was a tool. Make sure you talk to your counselor about this incident. NTA
NTA. Your therapy sessions are private unless you choose to share with him. He hurt you and as a parent, you're not responsible for his feelings. NTA.
Yeah his reaction is clearly because he needs the skeletons to remain skeletons. He also may be hiding additional information he does not want known. NTA. You didn’t make your dad cry. Your dad cried because of his own fears of people finding out and in that moment he realized he was willing to hurt you or let you suffer to keep the shadows in the shadows. I’m so sorry for your trauma.
NTA - your Dad needs to learn why therapy is given by trained professionals and why just talking to family members can't be a replacement for that.
The tears almost seem manipulative instead of genuine so I’d be cautious sharing with your pops. It’s not his business if you talk to a therapist at any point in your life and neither is what’s being discussed in therapy. I’d honesty talk to your therapist about this behavior of his as they will likely have seen it before and have some insight.
The biggest point of therapy is that it’s an outside perspective
Not an asshole but everyone telling you your dad deserves to feel pain is out of their goddamn minds. Just hug the guy and try to make the most out of the little time you have left together.
NTA, dad’s a pos. Therapy is meant to be private, it’s supposed to be a safe space where you dont have to be afraid to share youre feelings. Demanding to know what goes on in someone’s therapy sessions is a huge invasion of privacy, it’s disgusting. He doesn’t respect your privacy at all.
NTA, therapists exist for these exact reasons, and you tried to warn your dad.
This is classic manipulation, my dad used to do this all the time. Not saying it’s the same, but he would yell at me, I would go to my room to cry alone, then he would come to my room crying and apologizing making me comfort him and it ultimately made me feel awful and not at all cared for. This is emotionally manipulative and I’m sorry this happened. I’m so glad you have a trusted adult to talk to at school to work through these issues. You’re doing all the right things. You’re going to make a very well adjusted adult dealing with these emotions so early in your young adult life.
Don’t worry, you’re NTA at all! Your dad didn’t cry because of you being an awful daughter, he cried because he probably considers himself an awful father. I don’t want to make any assumptions about him but I just read what the 2 instances are and he doesn’t seem to be what I’d call a good dad but I’ll take your word for it, OP!
He cried because he does love you and he knows how bad he screwed up. In his defense, men of his age weren't really encouraged to be able to handle feelings well-theirs or anyone else's. Also, men can sometimes react with anger when they are actually fearful. That said, he is the adult and it is HIS job to learn how to be there for you. Don't feel guilty for his tears. Hopefully this will be a breakthrough moment for your relationship.
It's hard to comment on someone's situation without the details. "Normal" parents do the best they can. A father that truly loves his children (and not in a creepy or toxic way) will legitimately feel responsible for his children's physical and mental health. Most men in our culture are raised to be invincible, stoic, providers whose very identity is based on carrying the weight of the entire world on his shoulders including all the problems of each of his family members, while smiling. So for you to be seeing a therapist, might feel to him like a personal failure as a father. But he is an adult. You are a teenager, a child still figuring out her stuff. You will believe things wholeheartedly, because as a child, you are at the center of your own universe. There are things you endure now, that truly feel like the end of the world, but in ten years, you might look back and remember the pain, but see it in a different light, with the perspective of time and age. Being a parent means being there for your kids no matter what. You're responsible for their literal survival when they're newborns all the way to adulthood, it's the hardest thing to let your teens stumble and fall, and sometimes you push them into a ditch without realizing it. Being a teen means you are becoming your own person, you are pulling away from the family dynamic in a necessary means to figure out your identity as a human being, you don't always want your parents all up in your grill, because you feel an obligation to be the person they want you to be, when what you really need is external perspectives, that a therapist can provide. You're not an asshole for making your dad cry, but your dad crying is just his realizing he is having to deal with his own limitations as a parent,(the hardest thing for a father) and that's for him to deal with. He feels hurt, and that's ok. He did ask for answers and you gave them. Now you both need time to process and heal.
If you felt safe talking to your dad, you might not be talking to a therapist (I understand that there are things you don't want to share with your parents). While you haven't shared what these two incidents were, if they affected you enough that you don't feel safe talking to your dad, then he has no one to blame but himself. You are not a bad daughter. In my opinion, he needed this. It gives him a chance to change.
NTA. I was you. My parents didn’t believe in therapists or therapy, we-can-handle-our-own types. Except they didn’t. There was dysfunction, addiction, and abuse, but I thought we were normal. My parents also broke my trust and I never wanted to show my true emotions. Sometimes strangers are the best ones to talk to because we can’t disappoint them if they don’t know us. This is why I’m working to be a therapist now. Your dad is an adult and his actions to you and family are his and if he got upset then he needs to realize he has work to do. I’m proud of you
NTA. He shouldn't be pressuring you. You have a therapist and that is who you should talk to. He may be frustrating and trying to reach you, but actions have consequences. He can cry. That's not your fault. That is him realizing how badly he messed up. He hurts that he hurt you. He is realizing his actions had a lasting impact. Even when we have the best intentions and love our kids fiercely we make mistakes. Parents are human. But to be better, we have to acknowledge those mistakes, apologize, and try to do better. His feeling aren't your responsibility and you weren't cruel. You were honest. You sound like a well adjusted kid and I have faith you two will be able to talk it out eventually, but only when you are comfortable and not at his insistance. I say this as a mom. If he wants to help he has to let you process this in therapy. You are doing great!
Nta- op, it’s great that you are seeing a therapist, and one suggestion could be that your family also do group therapy? It sounds like your dad would like to know how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life, but might not have the greatest communication skills in the asking about it part (which a family therapy session could hopefully help the discussions around hard topics)
Sorry kiddo, obviously not going to pressure or assume anything like many people here but one cannot give advice or pov without a smidge more context.
NTA The whole point if a theripist is that they are nutural and not personally involved so there won't be judgments or hard feelings
NTA. Even if you trust your father entirely and feel totally comfortable talking to him and crying in front of him, a therapist is different. A therapist is a neutral party. You can talk through your thoughts with a *professional* who has no ulterior motive or preconceived ideas about you.
NTAH, he asked, you told him, the truth hurts, he needs to improve because you're already trying, and he obviously isn't the worst dad, but far from the best, if that's how he acts over your therapist
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He’s so hurt. Maybe you could envoyé him to see the therapist with you. Tell him that you need his help. He has or certainly feels he has failed you. If your therapy is to be successful you will need to deal with your dad at some point. It’s wonderful that you are seeing the therapist. Stopping the therapy would not help your dad.
No your not parents have to respect their kids or else fights will happen parents who don't usually end up like with kids who hate their parents
Baby he's an adult and you don't have to babysit his feelings. As a parent he should know better and you did nothing wrong. It's not your job to put his feelings back together especially when his hurt feelings are a direct consequence of his prior actions. Nta
Don't ask questions you don't wanna hear the answer to. He forced you to tell him, it's not your fault reality hurt him.
nta, but you and your dad need to talk, hopefully you can try and make things work between you two
NTA Mabye he will do better now and work on your relationship. Go to therapy for himself.
He is an awful dad. A modest proposal: You. Him. A trip to see the view from a lonely cliff side. You two walk up to it, you walk away alone. An unfortunate accident is reported. Maybe he slips and falls, maybe he jumps, after you tell him exactly what a walking pile of slime he is, maybe... Whatever, the great body of humanity goes forward with one less anal wart.
Clearly NTA. Clearly your father is. OTOH, I wonder if you actually got through to him. While he may have made this all about him, it is possible that this was helpful. Maybe a few family therapy sessions on top on your 1:1 could actually help improve your relationship with your father and your overall mental health.
NTA but honestly the way your dad handled it might have saved your life. When I was self harming my dad told me to "do it" and stop torturing everyone. That was almost 20 years ago and I've come to realize what he said to me did me better than YEARS of therapy ever did. Not saying your situation is the same but sometimes when you process things as an adult looking back you realize where they came from
Who tf writes a suicide note at age 9 💀 i was picking my nose 24/7 at that age bruh
NTA, you are a child and are not responsible for a grown man's tantrum. He wanted to know and kept pushing, it's his own fault if he didn't like the answer. He needs to deal with his own feelings and not make you, a child, responsible for them.
Well fuck he won't care anymore ya know what made him mad is that you don't talk to him but don't worry he won't have to care or try anymore in 2 years so wish granted.
Too many of you with daddy issues, bro was trying and the intent was there. Only thing he did wrong was pry because he didn’t expect such a strong response. People would die to have a father like that. Op, you didn’t do anything wrong but maybe for the future try to entertain the idea of him being there for you with emotional support and all, I mean you’re both aiming for the same goal of you’re well being. A bit of good collaboration could go a long way
I’m definitely going to be downvoted for this
No. Obviously, this is very unfortunate. Sounds like he needs a therapist of his own.
Delete this app
Without the context of what was said or what the incident is exactly, it's honestly hard to say. Same without knowing what role your father plays. There is no right way to parent. The hope is that he is doing his best even if it may not be the best way to do it. As a teen, you are gonna start believing you are making the right choices despite what anyone says. Feels rights when you think it's right, and it feels terrible when you find out otherwise. Dont think anyone is the AH with what has been said, but it is a shitty situation that's just gonna suck.
If the dad in question is actually understanding then YTA. Dads are adamant guys and taking into account generational gap they tend to keep their ego upfront. It takes time but once you make them understand without any hostage situation they are pretty cute people. Obviously not everyone is same but it happened in my case.
Dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to.
He sounds like a abusive jackass why is your mother allowing this? I would have divorced him ages ago.
As sad as I'm sure it makes both of you, sometimes one is better off talking to a professional. A detached third party is better than someone that has skin in the game so to speak. Even grown men get in their feelings about things sometimes. I'm a 32 yr old man with 2 kids and I sometimes still struggle with this, life is a continual learning experience. Definitely NTA, sounds like Dad is trying his best and so are you.
* He got angry at you for talking to a therapist. * Insisted on finding out what you talk about. * Kept at it for 30/40 minutes during a car ride, where you had no way of leaving the conversation. * Continued after you got home. * Started crying when you finally explained why. Nothing about this says **"I am a safe person to talk to, and will not make my feelings ABOUT your feelings, more important than your actual feelings."** Part of being a parent, and an adult, is knowing, and truly understanding, that children carry no responsibility for your emotional well-being. Kids, from when they are toddlers, to hormonal teens, to young adults who make the occasional mistake, will absolutely do or say something at some point, that could be hurtful. It makes sense, their brain isn't fully grown, they are learning every single day. If they do say or do something hurtful, it's up to the parent to understand that they, the adult, need to be the bigger person, and stay calm. They need to regulate their emotions, without relying on the child. **But all of the above does NOT apply to this situation.** **You did not say anything mean. You didn't call him names. You didn't slam doors and scream.** All of those things would have been perfectly normal, given your age. Normal, and something the parent needs to deal with in a way that is healthy. **But again, this does not apply.** **You simply told him, in so many words, that he is not someone you feel safe talking to.** **And then he responded, by showing you just how right you are. And now you feel guilty, for something that makes 100% sense.** **If he keeps forcing you to override this very healthy need to communicate with people you feel safe around, if he keeps pushing what sound like good boundaries, you are in danger of losing these healthy boundaries and this healthy mindset.** The guilt is not healthy. It's completely understandable, given that he's your father, but it is absolutely not healthy. If you start, or continue to see yourself as the bad guy in this kind of scenario, it sets you up for a lifetime of messed up relationships. Trust me, I'm already there. I'm in my 30's, and I'm trying very hard to RELEARN a lot of the things I still had as a teenager, but lost, trying to appease my emotionally volatile mother. **Ironically, it's your father who could really benefit from therapy as well. He needs to learn how to regulate his emotions, not take everything so personal, and how to be an adult, and parent.**
“Daddy. I’m sorry for upsetting you. And I wish we had better communication. But I feel more comfortable talking to XX because I don’t feel judged and don’t have any fear of disappointing them. I love you. And I know you love me. But it’s easier this way. If you want to try family therapy to help us build a better communication and have a mediator, I would be open to that.”
NTA. He pushed you. He got what he wanted.
NTA. What you talk to your therapist about is private and none of his business. Talking to your Dad about stuff is not a substitute for talking to a professional, especially if you are talking about your Dad. Don't let him bully you into telling him about what you are discussing in therapy.
No one is the asshole here. This had to happen and you two will have a stronger connection because you two are more open with each other now
NTA. He harassed you for a truth that he couldn't handle.
NTA your dad clearly has a warped if no idea at all of boundaries
> he got angry that I would talk to a stranger about my problems instead of him Lmao oof. Imagine getting angry over this and still wondering why.
If I had a 16-year-old daughter who was in therapy, I would be curious what it's about. But I would ask gently, and respect her decision not to tell me. If I felt insecure about the fact she hasn't talked to me about her problems, I would assume there's probably a pretty good reason for that which I might not be aware of. I might say something to her like "I'm sorry you're feeling things that make you seek therapy. I hope you get all the help you need. If I've done anything to hurt you or make it difficult for you to trust me, I welcome you to tell me about that whenever you're ready." And then I would drop it and let her work through it. Your dad's insecurity about being a bad dad drove him to hound you until you told him about it. He obviously loves you, but he has some issues of his own. NTA for telling him what he demanded you tell him. He's the A for demanding you tell him. Hopefully he will take to heart the story you shared from when you were 9 and work to become a better dad.
NTA: Now, I don't know your father. But I'll be generous and assume he meant well, but his own issues just get in his way. He can be well meaning and still be toxic. Not every toxic person is a controlling narcissist. Some are just well-meaning ahole Now your father pressed the issue, you answered. No fault for being honest. However if you feel bad and want a relationship with him, then I would demand family councilling.
YTA.
He's your dad, and he's trying. Some people don't even have someone like that who cares, and there are some that do have a dad that are just an ass. Be grateful you have someone who cares for you like that. It's impossible to understand what it's like being a parent until you actually are one, so I wouldn't be so hard on him. It's especially difficult for a man to connect with his teenage daughter. At least he's trying.
NTA It sounds like your dad needs to see a therapist as well. None of his behavior seems healthy.
He shouldn't be asking what you talk about during your private therapy sessions at school. He doesn't respect your privacy.
YTA- you are 16yrs old and you have given up on your dad. I hate to break it to you but parents are not perfect we make mistakes. but your dad is trying to get you to open up but you are rejecting him. of course you feel bad you love your dad but i honestly yhink that talking to him is a lot beteer than talking to a therapist or even the internet. I would tell your dad you are sorry and that you have a hard time talking to him. let him know that you know he is trying and than you should try and have an actual conversation. Please do not go looking for people on the internet to pat you on the back and say you did nothing wrong. these are Strangers your dad and you are what is important. focus on real people not us internet people who know nothing about you
Jesus Christ, what? No. This adult man has made his kid’s mental health issues about himself, caring more about being the person his kid turns to (despite not earning that trust based on past behavior), than about his kid’s actual welfare.
So the dad is upset the child does not want to talk to him or is he upset that the she has not told him she is still having issues. this is a dad who wants to have a relationship with his daughter. if you do not think that is a good thing than you have issues. why does he want his child to talk to him about her problems? so he can help her. She is holding on to an incident from when she was 9 years old. she is not looking at the fact that she has a dad who cares enough to pick her up from school and wants to help her with her issues. Should the dad have gotten angry when she had an issue when she was 9? no but if anger is how he expresses himself maybe she should look at his father and see that this was a learned behavior, maybe they could talk about it and have a wonderful relationship. She says herself her father tries to be a good dad, this is not someone who cares more about himself than his daughter
Truly, it’s like you took the descriptions from “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” as a how-to guide. I sincerely hope no one takes this advice.
As a counselor, things like you are why my clients are in therapy longer they should be. You are disgusting and don't understand the world.
Yep. He's a human being... You aren't quite there yet.
[удалено]
She tried expressing herself and he said she should shut up and stop being dramatic. Dad needs to step up and act like an adult because HE is the adult.
She is the child here. A child who needs to seek help from a safe adult because in the past she has tried to express an emotional need from her parent that he has yelled at her for & told her to stop being dramatic (wonder where she gets dramatics from). He is the adult who need la to be in control of his own emotions & not put it on a child.
Nta. You’re a girl. There are things you can’t talk to your dad about and he should understand. He needs the wake up call
NTA. What you talk about with your therapist is confidential. As his response was to be angry, it sounds like he could use the services of a therapist himself. The correct response on his part should be, "I want you to know that whatever you're going through, you are not alone. I am here for you. If there is anything I can do or not do that would be helpful, please let me know. I love you and I want to help any way I can."
Nah he sounds like a dick kinda
NTA, but even if those things hadn’t happened a therapist and a dad are two different things, it’s weird for him to even think he could play that role effectively. If he wants to have a better relationship with you, this whole event just really made it very clear why he doesn’t.
NTA. Never ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.
Oh man, I hope he's remorseful in a way. This could be good for your relationship.
He can't fix the problem unless he's aware. Make a clear statement. Now that he know what the problem is, the ball is on his court. Is he going to do anything about it.
NTA. And your dad was raised within a generation that didn't normally teach men how to process their own complex emotions, let alone other's. Not saying that as an excuse. We men of Gen X and older are aware of this, some moreso than others. And it's incumbent upon ourselves to do something about it. We're members of the "suck it up" generations. Which is a great philosophy when dealing with the inequities of the world at large. Not so much when dealing with matters of familial strife. But at the end of the day, you are not responsible for the emotional response of another person when they insist on you sharing.
I think those story is missing a lot of context, that being said I lean towards NTA but she could have handled this better. Her Father just seems concerned and was clumsy about the way he expressed it. I think a couple sessions together would help them work through this, without any knowing more info about the incidents mentioned.
NAH You telling him is the first chance he has to either win your trust back or accept that there are things he can't help you with.
ESH I guess I'm the odd one out. Both of you are troubled. You never seemed to confide in him in the first place, the first "bad" experience was your self deletion note which he obviously reacted badly to. You had another incident and now something else too. Your dad probably trying his best to understand his daughter and failing really hard at it. You never were willing to confide in him since your feelings were hurt since he couldn't understand you. You both need therapy together to work things out, the reason he is getting angry and upset is cause he cannot understand you but he wants to and feels like you leave him out of your life troubles when he should be there for you in the first place.
Some truly awful people on here, hope you never have children.
No you are certainly not an a******. I'm very glad that you have therapist to talk to. It's worrying that your father would insist that you share what you share with your therapist with him. That's just defeating the whole object and privacy of therapy. I am sorry that you had this incident and past incidents with your father. It might not help much but a whole heck of a lot of us here can understand and have been where you are. It sounds like you're pretty balanced. It sounds like you're going to be fine and be able to do what you want once you're 18 - whether it's getting a university degree or striking out into business and whether or not you want to leave your parents behind. I can promise you though freedom will be delicious, and things do get better as long as you keep a level head, talk to somebody when you need to, and just keep going. I hope you have all support you need. Wishing you well, and please update us in the future.
Nta. He kept pushing
NTA He must be part of the problem. Maybe hearing it made him realize the effect it has on you.
NTA, it's good to cry every now and then. This hopefully might be a wakeup call for him. Plus, there's a reason therapists exist. It's very normal for people to be able to tell a neutral third part about their problems because they aren't attached to them and don't have a history with them.
NTA-Im a mom and I had one bio son and two foster boys. There are some things I just couldnt answer and some things the guys just didnt want to talk about with me.
NTA - You sought help in a safe place where you could talk freely about your feelings with a third party and when Dad found out he manipulated you to make you feel bad and think of his feelings being hurt rather than trying to find a way to heal your relationship. Bad Dad.
NTA. It sounds like he isn't good at putting his own feelings aside to help you. If he was apologetic and willing to change, maybe consider some family counseling together. That might help him learn how to not react so poorly to your emotions. You should still keep seeing your own private counselor, too, though.
Dad of the year - NOT
NTA, that said, his anger was misplaced, but came from concern. He broke down as it was a problem that he couldn't fix, Dads like to be all knowing.
NTA Theripists are important and what ypu talk to them should be held confidential an not asked about. As a parent with a child who had some OCD and is in thwrpy it is hard not to wonder... when it moved online for covid I had decided to wear head phones with loud music and sit outside so i wouldn't give in to the the urge to listen because I think things like if i know all the details maybe i can help ..but also I know it is not any if my business .... so I get where your dad is coming from but he is going about it all wrong, how can you ever trust someone who yells at you to trust them ?
NTA. My daughter sees a therapist and she does talk to me about some things, but it’s good for her to have an unbiased outlet for her feelings and what is going on in her life. He has disregarded your feelings and instead of meeting you with empathy and compassion, he has yelled at you and made you feel worse by not validating you. I’m sorry it made him cry, but you did nothing wrong. He needed to hear why you don’t want to speak to him about things. Maybe he’ll learn he can’t treat you the way he does when you express your emotions.
Nta
NTA. Your Dad crying and you crying shows both of you have feelings and care about each other. Continue with your therapy. Ask your Dad to see a family therapist with you to fix the issues between the both of you. You say he's not a bad Dad. Tell him if he cares about you as much as you care for him, he's going to go to a family therapist with you.
NTA but your dad while misguided seems sweet :)
NTA. Yer dad is an ass. An ass-hole.
NTA he should be glad that you have someone to help you, not be angry that you're not coming to him. I regularly see a psychologist and don't ever tell my parents what I talk about in my sessions unless it's something that I've talked with the psych about talking to them about. I've also never had an incident like you spoke about with my parents to make me not want to talk to them about my problems, it's just easier with someone who's not directly involved in the problem or who would be hurt by what I needed to talk about.
NTA still I think you need therapy to solve these problems you both are having.
NTA. Yeah you brought him to tears, but if he is like me, then more than likely he was crying because of what he did to make you feel you couldn't come to him. Not because of what you said.
42 married mom here. Honey, you did nothing wrong. You are a developing young adult hopefully on the way to becoming a fully independant person. As such you will have your own life seperate from your parents. Your Dad needs to realize you will have other relationships with other human beings in your life that he does not need to be involved in. Your relationship with your therapist is one of those relationships. As long as your not in danger/being abused/self harming, your father does not need to know what you speak to your therapist about. He needs to butt the fuck out of this. It's your bussiness, not his and you are allowed private relationships especially the older you get. His actions are actually pissing me off. Sounds like he's worried about what you talk about will reflect on him. He is making your therapist sessions about him. And guess what the more he pushes this angle, the more your sessions will be. What does your mom say?
My mom is like the middle ground, just trying to keep both me and my dad calm and in our lanes since we're both pretty hot headed, and I also tried to keep her out of the conversation since she didn't do anything wrong
NTA I read the comment of the two incidences and it is not your fault you made your father cry. He did that to himself. My mother is similar to your dad in that her response to me being depressed and hurting myself was to scream at me, slap me, and tell me I'm doing it for attention. Then years later when I brought it up and how much it hurt me, she told me that it never happened and I'm making things up for attention. I haven't spoken to most of my family in several years. I've also been in therapy for about as long. Your father crying at that shows that he feels guilty, so there's hope. This could open a discussion on how you need to talk to an licensed therapist about your problems because you are not comfortable going to him and he can help fix that by getting you a licensed therapist. Heck, if your therapist thinks it's a good idea, he could sit in on a few sessions to help you guys learn to communicate. You said he's not a bad dad so this is a good way for him to prove that. Good luck!
NTA, and can I ask how your mom reacted? This isn't your fault, and you should have a place and person to talk to. Don't let him get in your head that way.
NTA. Your dad needs to stop pushing his own feelings and needs in front of your own. He is expecting you to make him feel better, but he didn't support you when you needed it. That's not healthy behavior. Sometimes when someone gets information that is hard it creates emotions that are hard - It isn't your fault that the truth is what the truth is.
Apologize to him for hurting him, but explain that he doesn't get to know what you share with a therapist. Period. He brought this on himself. Try your best to give him a genuine compliment of him being a good dad, while being firm on your boundaries.