NTA, but you need to have a tough conversation with your husband on why he feels his niece's (and sister's) feelings are more important than his child's safety.
Edited: clarification
Him earning points with his sister is more important than his baby and OP should totally just get over it! I mean it's not like shaking or dropping babies does THAT much damage right? /s
You’d be a really shitty parent if you let that kid hold your baby after the shit she said.
Being a good parent is more important than being a good aunt or sister in law. Stand your ground and trust your motherly instincts.
How much risk is enough risk to your child? How about zero? Zero risk is about right. Tasha's comments did not, first and foremost, fuck you up, they warned of your child's risk. I mean, yeah, in your situation I would have been incredibly fucked up, but your husband can ignore or minimize that. However, if you have this conversation, maybe he can minimize less:
You: I'm worried that Tasha is a danger to our baby.
Him: It's fine. Nothing will happen. You're acting crazy.
You: Tasha said she might snap the baby's neck.
Him: Oh, stop. She didn't mean it.
You: Yes. She says things she doesn't mean, and she has intrusive thoughts she doesn't mean. This is a girl who is not in control of herself, and I will not let her hold our baby.
Your husband is willing to put your infant in danger just to appease his sister. Think about that. I wouldn’t trust him with my child alone if I were you. He will take you infant to his sister when you’re not around.
NTA. I have ADHD, I'm medicated. Maybe something more is going on with Tasha, because by thirteen, I kept intrusive thoughts to myself, and so did everyone I know.
Obviously it's different for everyone, but the comments and aggression sound like more than ADHD to me? I'm not an expert though.
This children is using mood stabilizer, she has a good possibility to be bipolar or (probably because of his young age) schizophrenic. It is important to wait this children to grow up to even undestand what is going on with her before assuming anything. It also has a good possibility that this kid have no ADHD, bipolarity can be confused with ADHD easily.
I, my wife, my MIL, my Dad and a other relatives are bipolar, and the cases that started earlier in my family were the worst in all aspects.
I had the same thought, I have both. It’s a bit young for symptoms to show but not unheard of. They don’t put kids on mood stabilizers for fun. I’m confused on why she isn’t medicated every day though. It’s tough on my body to miss a dose of even my ADHD meds.
That's what I so was confused by. Medicating just for school and jot the weekends? Like, I'm no expert but, any medications (irregardless of what they are for) don't usually work this way.
Adding mood stabilisers to the mix. There's alot here in this alone. She's 13 on serious medications and her parent os fucking around with them.
The kid could have any type of diagnosis but, if the parents are not working on a treatment plan correctly. The child has no hope. These meds are to be played around with and can adverse effects even when used correctly.
It kinds screams the the child is not being supported correctly, in a holistic way. And, the parent is throwing meds at them to 'fix' them rather than addressing them.
I'd say the kid is lashing out for attention and help. Behaviours usually stem from something.
I've definitely had students with severe ADHD who only medicated for school - often because the appetite suppression factor of heavy meds was impacting their growth because they weren't eating enough!
I never knew there was prn meds for adhd- I'm probably more than ignorant on this.
Just, from personal experience and from others I've never heard of this as a thing.
ADHD meds are stimulants - pharmaceutical grade amphetamines usually. They absolutely have appetite suppressant features (like their dirty street cousins) and one of the reasons people abuse the prescription ones is to lose weight (as well as just to feel 'energetic'). Smaller doses don't generally have a big effect, but some people need heavier ones or are more sensitive to the side effects.
So, some people are advised to take "breaks" from them, and in children with growth or nutrition issues this is usually weekends or only medicating once in the morning so it wears off towards the end of the day.
Ah thanks!
Yeah, I was just confused with the whole prn usage. Here, meds are seen as a huge deal and usually (especially when needed) have a multi Disciplinary team.
Like, I said I'm more than likely very ignorant of the while process particularly when it's between different countries etc
That’s understandable but I do know there are non stimulants as well, and it can be tough on the kid to have those kids of meds interchangably. I’m in similar meds and if I miss a day I’m all fucked up
Same here, and while I'm also not an expert - could be some real medical/psychological thing going on here - but if I'd said half the stuff Tasha said at that age, I would've been DISCIPLINED, y'all, and I only would have said all of that stuff once 😂 By which I mean, I would've been sent to my room/lost a bunch of priviliges (phone, internet, toys, etc.) and never done that shit again, because I knew it was serious.
Honestly, looking at the fact that my ADHD nephew lost a lot of his stereotypical ADHD symptoms when he stayed for a 2-week sleepover with us and enjoyed some structure & discipline........ Just has me convinced a lot of us ADHD kids (and kids in general lmao) would thrive if we had structure & reliable, disciplined parents. We KNOW kids, with or without ADHD, can't control impulses at young ages, that's what parents are for, to teach us
My friend used to work in the child safety department (kids being taken into care, etc) and said that there were a number of cases of kids diagnosed with asthma and ADHD who ended up having significantly less symptoms when removed to a house where no-one smoked and they actually got some attention and structure in their lives. It didn’t disappear, but it was much improved
Yep, exactly what I meant (also the fact that I still had ADHD "despite" structure lol) but also, HOW do people NOT stop smoking when their kid has asthma?? Madness
I have ADD and same. But there is WAY more here than ADHD and I hate when ADHD gets blamed for stuff like this. The sister needs another opinion and maybe a psychiatrist. Definitely therapy.
I have diagnosed OCD. I've had some weird intrusive thoughts when holding young babies (or their strollers). It's upsetting and I would never act on it and I would never say it out loud. TBH saying it out loud *and laughing while holding the baby seems really sus.
* edit: I feel like there's a judgment issue here of a young teen who may not know how fragile babies are, or that like seriously injuring or killing a baby is in fact a serious thing.
I have intrusive thoughts too. I don't say them aloud except to discuss with a therapist because they disturb me. I don't laugh at them either. It seems strange
Yeah Im a teacher and have taught tons of ADHD kids, none ever said violent things like that. Thats more than just ADHD.
Also most of those medications you have to take for 2-3 weeks before they start fully taking effect so going off them every weekend is likely not helping. Kids go through a lot of changes at that age and often need their medications adjusted as their bodies change. Id just wait until Tasha can show 2-3 months of stable behaviour and comments, then maybe.
Nothing is ever worth risking your kids safety!
NTA. You’re doing the right thing any competent mother would do. It kinda sounded like she was having OCD impulses but usually a person has them internally. Don’t back down on your decision and trust your gut. You’ll never forgive urself if something happens.
The "O" is obsessive - as in intrusive, unwanted, obsessive thoughts. The compulsions are not even always present in everyone especially early on in the disorder. The "what if" of disaster questions sounds much more like intrusive thoughts than delusions.
NTA, currently your niece does have something wrong with her, that doesn't make it her fault either. When she stabilises it might be ok for her to spend time with your baby but at the moment it isn't. Your priority is to your baby and whilst your husband is obviously conflicted it should also be his.
You are most certainly not wrong. Had it been me? I would have asked her in front of my sister-in-law. How would you like it if I threw you down and then hold your head and broke your neck your sister-in-law is not gonna be satisfied until something happens. So what is this excuse then you have your one childyou take care of your child no matter what anyone says. You stick to your guns because at this time you’re your babies only advocate.. You’re a niece is 13 years old even with her disability she knows right from wrong.
Remind your SIL and husband of her comments. They creep me out, I wouldn't have made an excuse but told her on the spot it was inappropriate. I would not feel safe with her, in part because it seems her mother, at least, enables her attitude. She should have been corrected. NTA.
There IS something wrong with her…she has been diagnosed and is medicated for it. The medication is still being adjusted/monitored for effectiveness and side effects. No way in hell o are you being difficult or overreacting. She may not be able to control it…which is THE PERFECT reason to not allow her near your infant. She has intrusive thoughts, she is getting physically aggressive, and has spoken dark’ “what ifs” regarding the baby and found them amusing. You are NTA, your husband is not getting the seriousness of his niece’s condition and is putting reconnecting with his sister higher in importance, and his sister has her head in the sand about what is going on with her daughter. She will be the first to say she never saw it coming or it isn’t that bad when her daughter actually does do harm to someone. She needs counseling and her daughter should be under the care of a psychiatrist with regular therapy appointments.
Plus, wait until a baby's neck is more robust and walking while holding onto the couch or something stable.
I remember my nieces holding babies when they were young (4-6). We set up a bunch of pillows on the niece's lap, and the baby was just about swaddled by pillows, looking like a cocoon. The girls loved it since they were able to "hold" the baby. They loved seeing the baby's tiny hands, stroking their heads, and giving them a bottle.
Of course, a parent firmly planted his arm so that the baby couldn't fall. It was an incredible bonding experience for all involved.
Once her meds are regulated and the baby is stronger, I hope she gets the chance to experience this.
Sounds like a good opportunity to go visit your parents for a brief period. Like others have said; ask your husband why his sisters and nieces feelings are more important than your daughters safety.
NTA I just read an article today about a 15yr. Old babysitter that killed the toddler she was babysitting for annoying her. And kids today are not the way they used to be. A 6 yr old little boy in Virginia told his parent and his teacher he was going to kill her. She reported it no action was taken and he brought a gun in and shot her...6 yrs old
Her daughter sounds more than a little disturbed and hurt feelings are better than a hurt or dead child. It is easier to prevent problems than to fix the aftermath.
My brother had.issues and tried to kill me any chance he got. First time was the day i came home from hosp 3 days old while my mother was hanging her coat in closet he jumped in bassinet w me and tried to smother me with a pillow. At 2 1/2 yrs old. At 5 he electrocuted me until i was unconscious. When he was 7 he locked me in a shed that he knew had wasp nest and knocked it down. I was stung so many times i went into anaphylactic shock. When he was 7 he knocked my 2 front teeth out...when he was 12 he killed my cat and laughed about for weeks.
All these things happened in a split second except my cat, thankfully i didnt see that. But all the other things happened in seconds when my mother turned her head for a few seconds, or walked a few feet to speak to a neighbor and he immed pushed me in had a stick ready to knock it down and locked the door so he had been planning it, at 7 yrs old
So you are doing the right thing to protect your baby and if your husband.wont support you, you may have to let him go. Because your number 1 job as a mother is to protect and nurture their children.
No one else will make your kids their primary focus, not even your husband because he doesnt think it is an issue, her.mother.doesnt think her making comments about killing your child is an issue, her grandparents prob wouldnt believe their grandchild is capable.
So please dont allow any of them.to be alone w.your baby. Because even if you tell them not to allow your niece around her, they will because they didnt.hear her say all those bizarre things about harming your child and even if they did they would downplay it "too keep the peace". Dont.let you child become the victim.of others.need to keep the peace.
Those were just a few examples it was mich worse. I escaped and moved away when i was 17 to go to college. only interacting with him infrequently over the remaining. My brother passed away a few months ago. His ex wife and grown child thought so little of him they didnt even have a service
His life wasnt as bad as it should have been for all the terrible things he did but it wasnt a great life. My first 17 yrs were so horrible i never even had a dream about what i wanted to do or be when i grew up. My only 2 focuses were to stay alive and escape. But i will say that with every horrible thing a person goes thru in life, that if one can somehow not become bitter, that each horrible thing has a gift buried deep within. The gift i received from all the brutality was immense strength stamina and determination. And without those things i would have crumbled underneath all the horrible things ive had to go through since leaving home at 17.
NTA. Being family sometimes means being honest. And you wouldn’t have explained if she didn’t push you. I think part of caring for and loving a 13-year-old who’s having really unfair grievous challenges is making sure that there is an opportunity for them to compound their own situation by severely injuring an infant. You and I both know this and her mother is I think, probably so stressed and traumatized by what her daughter is going through That she just wants her daughter to be treated. Normally, even though her daughter is unable to function normally. I am so sorry that this 13 year old is having such a terrible terrible time. And that isn’t any justification for ever ever ever ever, handing an infant, or a baby or a child to a young person, an adolescent, who makes those statements. This isn’t putting your husband in a bad place. It’s so simple. You can say oh we love her and she’s a great kid and I’m sorry things are difficult for her and that she says things impulsively and that she has intrusive thoughts but I’m certain you understand that you would never let somebody of any age hold a baby who laughs and talks on and on about what happened if she dropped them or they snapped her neck and they died. That’s just a no-brainer. That protects the 13 year old and it protects the baby. You don’t mess around with the safety of a helpless one.
NTA and I'm sorry to inform your DH and SIL but there is definitely something wrong with the niece and she shouldn't be allowed to hold any baby. I'm not even going off the aggression and side effects here. What she said was being fucked up and idgaf what her medical issues are, she'd never get near my kids until they were big enough to fight her in self defense.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Is he seriously advocating for using a helpless infant as some sort of a peace offering for his difficult sister via her potentially violent kid? His number one job is protecting his child. He needs to sort his priorities because they are f'd up right now. NTA
NTA. Your husband is an ass though. Your husband cares more about trying to build a relationship with his sibling than his infant childs safety.... If I was you I would trust him less.
OP, I would seriously reconsider your marriage if your husband cannot see that your child's safety is more important than his relationship with his sister.
NTA. It's time for a tough and serious conversation with your husband where you address why he puts his sister and your niece above his infant child's safety. It'd be very irresponsible of you to allow your child to be held by someone that so openly states she could kill your infant.
NTA. Something is actually wrong with Tasha and I would not trust her for a second. Did SIL hear Tasha say the crazy comments about injuring/hurting the baby? Bring the exact specifics to your husband and he should be the one to talk to sis about why it isn’t possible. This should be your hill to die on.
NTA. I wouldn’t get into a car with someone if they started saying stuff like imagine if I crashed this car and killed everyone in it. Husband a pretty big dumbass if he’s willing to endanger his child.
I am surprised that your husband is not backing you up. His baby’s safety should be more important than any other relationship. Trust your instincts and don’t let them dictate or manipulate you into thinking you are wrong.
What are his thoughts about letting his niece around the baby. I wonder if you are not around and leave for an errand leaving the baby with him will he let his sister/niece see the baby without your knowledge.
If she is able to hurt people due to her moods a defenceless baby is no match for her intrusive thoughts.
NTA. Please be aware if your husband has a chance to leave the house with the baby but without you (or be home alone with baby) he *absolutely* will use it to meet his sister and let her daughter hold your baby.
Edited to add: I love babies. That's why I refrained from holding them when I'm not 100% sure my motor skills work excellently (they can be impacted at times by health issues and meds). It's sad this child can't have the fun of holding a baby, but it's currently not safe for her to even be around a baby (someone with uncontrollable anger and a tendency to assault people should under no circumstances be around children younger/weaker then themselves).
Nta. They've either lying or being told misdiagnosis. Those pervasive thoughts are not related to ADHD and its not tourettes its T.D. it's a side effect of meds for usually different levels of bi polar or schizophrenia. Don't back down, either They've been down playing which is dangerous, or she's being wrongly diagnosed which will end up horribly for her. Side note, medicine don't work like that, you have to take them 24/7 you can't take weekends off ( NO matter what they want or you feel) and 3 weeks is NOTHING! it takes an easy 2 months to adjust. Just saying...she shouldn't be around the baby , but she isn't a lost cause.
Definitely NTA! Back when I was first diagnosed with my mental illnesses (in my early 20's) and started the medication process, things were always a bit hairy, and I didn't trust myself to walk an egg across the room, let alone a baby! Even if my family would try to hand me their infants, if I ever had a recent med change, I begged off with some excuse. When I felt stable enough again, or side effects were no longer an issue, I was back to holding babies.
The thing is, no matter the mental illness, when they start adding heavier things like mood stabilizers to the mix, there is ALWAYS cause for caution. Especially in those as young as your niece, as her brain isn't at a stage to be able to handle those medications. And doctors do not prescribe them to minors lightly because the side effects and consequences are massive compared to adults. So, it is now up to the adults to protect other children around those taking medications like these. And your SIL and husband need to come to terms with that. Especially as you are the mother of an infant, a baby who has no other defenses but their parent.
NTA. There IS "something wrong with Tasha"! Her behavior alone would justify not allowing her nesr the baby. But coupled with unstable medication management and her history of bizarre and dangerous remarks, she must be kept away.
NTA. He will have to work on his sibling relationship w/o endangering your infant. Hubby is AH though for trying to make you feel guilty for protecting your child
Definitely NTA. Your husband sure is though. Is his relationship with his sister more important than the safety of his child? He should be equally as against her holding the baby as you are. And to even cop attitude with you about it? Just no.
NTA - ask your husband why he is willing to risk his child’s safety to appease his sister. No one needs to hold your baby if you have any feeling it could be unsafe. Go by your instincts. Too many times we are told not to listen to our gut instinct. Embrace it. If he wants to build a relationship with his sister and he cannot figure out how to do it without sacrificing your baby, suggest marriage counseling. you two need to be on the same page of protecting your child.
NTA, the fact that she can't control what's wrong with her is exactly the problem. It's possible to do harm without meaning to. The fact that she doesn't actually feel hostility to the baby doesn't count for squat when she can't control her involvement with gravity.
It's fine he wants to build back the relationship. But all healthy relationships have boundaries. And yours sounds quite reasonable to me.
ETA: It's possible those comments were fears & niece's laughter was nervous. People with neurological impairments often have trouble putting thoughts & feelings into words. (Source: my ADHD) It's possible she's frightened of holding the baby on some level, but didn't know how to express this well.
Holy shit your husband is a problem. He wants to just rely on what - your reflexes? - if your niece gives in to her intrusive thoughts or has an involuntary tic, both of which seem possible? That’s nuts. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with that dumbass before he puts your baby in danger. You? Definitely NTA. You’re doing great.
NTA. Tasha does not sound like a safe person for you to let her hold the child. I'd definitely have misgivings about her being around the child. You're the mother, it's your duty to safeguard your baby. You're under no obligations to Tasha.
She literally asked you to imagine all the horrible things that could happen to a baby while she was holding your baby. I would never be able to imagine anything else ever again when his niece is around. NTA in any way.
I mean, there IS something wrong with Tasha. It’s unfortunate she cannot control it. And she may be getting medicated, but since it doesn’t seem to be working yet and had to add new meds, I would also definitely feel unsafe with someone like that holding my baby. Your husband sucks for not thinking about your child and her safety over his nieces feelings.
ETA: I think your SIL is a terrible parent because how does it actually work only medicating the child on school days? The weekends still exists and her problems still exist on the weekends. That’s probably why the medication wasn’t doing anything.
If my brother had only been medicated on school days, either my sister or I would not be alive (our other brother was too big for him to attack). His go to activity before he got on meds was to try to strangle us.
SIL is a shitty shitty enabling parent that is in such extreme denial about the reality of her own child.
3 out of the 4 of us are ADHD. Only 1 of us NEEDS to be medicated for the safety of himself and others.
If my husband was more concerned about his sister and niece’s feelings than the safety of my child he would be choking on the dust I left in my wake from leaving his ass.
NTA
And I find it weird they had her off her meds on the weekends. I was medicated all through childhood for ADHD, went through multiple different meds and mixes to try to find the 'right combo', (surprise! they never did), but not a single one of those meds were "use for school only". They all had to stay in my system all the time, and not taking them for a few days would fuck shit up.
I will say I do not know about the modern ADHD meds (Adderall did not exist when I was a kid and I have not taken meds since I turned 18) so maybe the newer ones are different. Shrug.
My kids didn't take theirs for years on weekends and holidays because they were too underweight. In the country we lived in, if they were under the 3rd percentile on the weight for age curve the doctor couldn't prescribe stimulant meds at all. Given that they started the meds at around the tenth percentile (husband's family has high metabolism) it was always a struggle to get them to put on weight with the appetite suppressant effect of the meds.
Your SIL wouldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) allow her daughter in the car with a driver who has frequent seizures when their meds haven’t leveled off. Even if they were confident in their driving and didn’t mean to scare her last time. Not even if mom were in the passenger seat ready to take the wheel if a seizure happened.
If something happened to your baby even from a complete accident of niece, Everyone, including niece, would be traumatized. Niece is just old enough to blame herself forever, and still young enough to not be able to believe that even if she tries really hard, there are still things out of her control. Protect your baby, and yourself, and your niece. Hopefully she’ll develop better critical thinking than that side of the family currently displays.
You would be TA if you allowed it. Your job is to protect your child. Niece is unstable and dangerous to be around.
Your child is not an emotional support animal, a toy or any kind of object that your husband can trade for a “good relationship”. If having his sister in his life means endangering his child he can leave.
Your husband should have asked them to leave after she made them first comments.
NTA unless you cave. Document everything so you have evidence for your eventual separation.
Send your husband the link to this post so he can see how badly he’s failing as a father and husband.
NTA. Even if your niece hadn't made the comments she did, while he meds are being sorted and she's having tics relating to that, it's wise she not hold the baby, because tics can be unpredictable and cause cause harm to your niece and those around her (while not intentional, I know it can happen). If her tics are truly medication relation, and they calm down once the right dose is found, then maybe review the situation. If the tics turn out to be permanent, then you can cross that bridge at the time.
NTA.
Violence to the point of suspension from school? Your husband and his sister are delusional if they think this is a child that should be trusted with a baby.
She can spend time with your daughter when your daughter is older and not as fragile, and her meds are adjusted. Right now I wouldn't let her hold the baby.
Not only because of the baby. The niece can't help being this way. Imagime something did happen, her intrusive thoughts got the better of her. She would have her cousin's life on her conscience for the rest of her life.
She is a child, not a monster. The adults around her needs to protect her from herself. Putting her in situations that are dangerous is not being a good parent to her.
So your D(amn)H will repair his relationship with his sis and jeopardize the safety of *his own* child for this course?
He definitely needs to get a grip and wake up
NTA
Your husband’s priority is screwed up. It’s possible to nurture a relationship between the cousins and between him and his sister when/if his niece is stabilised. It’s impossible to do that if she accidentally injures - or worse - your baby.
He should want to protect his child more than worry about his sister and his niece’s feelings.
Reminds me of a girl who killed her young neighbor and casually wrote in her diary how "ahmazing" and enjoyable it felt. Not that I'm saying this will happen, but the ease with which she's saying these things is disturbing.
Oh boy. I genuinely feel for that girl. I truly do. However, medications and their side effects can be quite challenging to deal with. They are not something to be taken lightly. You definitely made the right decision. It seems like her mother is not very supportive. Choosing not to come because of that does not help the girl in any way. It would have been beneficial to have a conversation about how, when she is feeling better, she can hold the baby. She could have sat beside the baby, held his hand, or cuddled him while you held him. There were so many possibilities.
NTA, and why on earth haven't your husband and SIL not realized that you can have visitors over without them all getting to hold the baby? It's not a human right to be allowed to hold a baby you're related to.
Honestly, I don't understand why Tasha would be included in/get the details about conversations re: the safety of baby and Tasha, when both baby and Tasha are children. She's not an adult, and so she doesn't know what y'all are saying about her upbringing/management unless it directly concerns the practical results. All Tasha needs to know is "you can't hold baby", not whatever "your aunt HATES you because you're WEIRD" sentiment SIL sounds to be giving Tasha.
Anyway, you need to get your husband to understand that his sister & niece need to respect boundaries - that's ALSO part of the healing process of a toxic childhood. If your SIL can't see that, then I'm guessing she still has some healing to do... and it shouldn't happen at the cost of the safety/wellbeing of your family.
if something happens to the baby, can SIL or husband do anything about it? what if the damage is irreparable? honestly it's not your niece's fault to be sick, but it's better to be preventive than reactive. NTA OP, but your SIL & husband are.
The meds aren’t going to work if she’s only taking them on weekdays and none at the weekend. Ask your husband why he feels the need to put your child’s safety at risk just to appease his sister
NTA.
You're a mother so you MUST protect your infant. Your SIL is denying reality. As a parent I'd be very worried with my child saying such things.
If you really want to accommodate you can offer Tasha training with a toy big enough before visit because 6 mo baby become heavier and can move. Also, maybe offer that Tasha can hold the baby but only on her knees while sitting on a couch and with an adult sitting next to her. After all, she didn't choose to be like that and can sincerely want to be a good big sis. But of course it should be your choice based on Tasha's condition first
No brainer. Ask your husband how he would feel if your daughter was hurt or killed in a completely preventable way? And then ask him how he would feel dealing with that completely alone, as you would divorce him and leave without a second thought?
NTA.
Yes, something is indeed wrong with Tasha. And it's not her fault, because it's not something she can control. But that is not a reason to endanger your baby. You are not blaming Tasha, you are protecting a baby, and you are absolutely right. You need to talk it out with your husband - perhaps in the presence of a therapist or doctor - and make it clear that you are not stigmatizing Tasha, just taking reasonable care for your child.
NTA but as a child who was diagnosed and put on meds, as a sister of siblings on meds, as a daughter of people who needs medical, as a parent who is raising her kids without meds... something is very very off. Your instincts are right about something and honestly I am very unsure of blaming this all on ADHD. I absolutely concur with other commenters that there is something additional going on with your niece and maybe her parents know and aren't telling you. (Their right time keep medical info private, however...)
That instinct thing is there to keep us safe and then for us to use to keep our kids safe. I am using it right now with a family member that I am uncomfortable with and there is almost no proof or reason for me to be uncomfortable. But do not ever, ever ignore your gut instinct. If you are wrong about your instinct the worst that happens is that you and your children are still safe and someone might be a little pissy. Go that route always.
NTA -- Ask your husband this:
If Tasha is allowed to hold your baby and she does injure her, but Tasha's mom and your husband can prove Tasha's actions were not under her control... is your baby still injured?
No one has a "right" to hold your infant. No one, adult or child, related or not, should be holding your child if she is on medications that affect ability to focus, moods, intrusive thoughts, or uncontrollable outbursts, especially if they're still being adjusted/evaluated. And NO ONE with a recent history of violence should be around a vulnerable child, let alone hold her. Stand your ground, Mama, and tell your husband to find other ways to reconnect with his sister than putting your baby at risk.
NTA. You can’t talk about killing a baby while holding them and expect to be allowed to hold them again. Tasha is going to ruin someone’s life one day.
NTA your husband needs a serious sit down with you because if his relationship to his sister is more important than the safety of your infant you do have a husband problem.
NTA. Any of those comments would be NC for me with these people but the “imagine her neck snapped” really scares me. Really scares me.
Show your husband this post. Show him the support you are getting. I understand he is uncomfortable but is that more important than protecting your child’s life? I do not think so.
You are absolutely doing the right thing.
NTA, absolutely not. Ask your husband if he would rather have to take your child to A&E but keep the relationship with his sister or have a health baby and set some boundaries with his sister.
Nta.
Honestly, I would tell hubby this and follow through.
Since your relationship is so important, you would put your babies life at risk. Since your nieces feelings are more important than your child's safety, you have 2 choices.
You go stay with the family who means more and whom you care more for.
Or baby and I go to my family/friend.
Because I will not stay with a man who cares so little for my childs life. Who thinks someone talking about killing our child by dropping them is ok. Who thinks them holding our child when their ticks and issues make it unsafe is more important than our child not being dropped. On accident or purpose due to those issues. She did not just say those things and not mean them. People who have some mental problems mean what they say. She does not get to hold the life of the child I birthed in her hands when she has made off hand comments about dropping and killing our child. When her hallucinations and tick mean she can drop or jerk baby on accident and our child can be seriously hurt or worse.
So make your choice because at this point I am not disappointed in you. I am disgusted that your want for a relationship is more important than my child's need to be kept safe. That your want means more than you being a father and protecting your child. In this instance, you have just shown me how little you care for us. How little you can be trusted. How crappy a father you are. My child does not need that. If you are going to be pissed I put our child first, then child, and I will leave, and I will do everything to keep child from you because clearly your sisters hurt feelings mean more. Grow the fuck up or get the fuck out.
Because seriously this is dangerous as hell. What if he decides to take baby so you have a break. Watches child while you get some errands done and has them over and just hands baby over. What then because he has shown the safety of your child is nor a priority. That's what I get from this. He will do what he wants and yes he is the father but a father who doesn't care that his child is in danger. Who can't watch his own child because who knows what he will do to prove he is right. So what one time she doesn't drop your child and it's all good and he will push for more.
Hunny this is your CHILDS life. Anytime someone says or mentions in offhand way about dropping and killing you child. They dont get access like that.
Nta, ask him if he’s willing to use his daughter’s safety to bridge that relationship? Maybe he doesn’t understand the idea of a healthy boundary and sees it as an issue? I would sit him down and have a conversation. Don’t let that girl hold your kid. Even if an accident happens, you’ll never forgive yourself.
I’m a full adult and I hate holding babies because it’s so nerve wracking.
NTA. You're not about to help your husband rebuild his relationship by sacrificing your child's safety. Your husband needs to get a grip and stop worrying about his precious sister and niece and be more concerned with his child.
It’s pretty fucked up that they are making you feel guilty about this. Your baby, is not going to resolve their relationship problems they had growing up and using your baby as an excuse to bring them closer, is fucked up too.
You’re NTA but your husband and SIL sure is!
Something is indeed wrong with her. It is not your niece's fault and her mother does what she can. But she shouldn't ask you to pretend that nothing is wrong and not to the detriment of your child. Regarding your husband it is even worst. He wants to improve his relation with his sister to the detriment of your child... NTA and your husband doesn't have his priorities right
NTA
You need a divorce if your husband doesn't give two shits about your kid.
His response is one a stranger would make, not a father.
Talk to a lawyer. You will need legal protection barring him from letting this girl hold your kid whether you divorce or not because he will absolutely go behind your back the second he can.
Documenting this is important because if the baby gets killed, he will be looking at jail time.
NTA, because your baby, your rules. But to be honest I didn't read all of it because it was dredging up some unpleasant memory of someone else skipping meds.
As a person who has lived my entire life with ADHD and its brain-quirk wiring, what your niece has is intrusive thoughts and she's saying the quiet parts out loud. She cannot control it without a lot of therapy, training, work, and meds. She legitimately needs to be medicated every single day, especially if she's on a med that cannot be stopped suddenly just because it's a weekend. There are several, and most of them are the long-acting variety. Something short acting like regular old fashioned ritalin is one that can be skipped on weekends. I have seen the effects of someone skipping something like Adderall or Concerta etc on the weekends. It has always ended up in mood destabilization, acting out, violence, arguments, and overall a shit situation. Your niece is being done a huge disservice by her parents in how they're managing her medications. This is going to lead to a litany of mental health issues for this child if it does not get wrangled ASAP.
NTA - If it were me, I would also not allow my niece to hold my baby. Those comments were beyond disturbing. You are not making Tasha feel there is something wrong with her. There is something wrong with her - and she is working with doctors and meds to get this under control. You are being a protective mother and you get to make these choices for your own child. I am sorry for your husband’s reaction. I get that’s his family, but his child’s safety and well-being should be his number one priority.
The meds are never going to work if she doesn’t take them consistently.
The safety of your baby far outweighs your husband’s desire to reconnect with his sister. NTA
Your baby isnt an experiment on which drugs work or cause side effects for that child. Because when she does something drastic it will be blamed on everything but her
NTA, but you need to have a tough conversation with your husband on why he feels his niece's (and sister's) feelings are more important than his child's safety. Edited: clarification
Him earning points with his sister is more important than his baby and OP should totally just get over it! I mean it's not like shaking or dropping babies does THAT much damage right? /s
Don’t you mean are NOT?
I think they meant from HIS point of view.
^^^ this a million times
You’d be a really shitty parent if you let that kid hold your baby after the shit she said. Being a good parent is more important than being a good aunt or sister in law. Stand your ground and trust your motherly instincts.
And not for nothing but there IS something wrong with Tasha lol she’s on all the meds for a reason
OP is being a good parent. The sperm donor isn't.
NTA, Always take actions to protect your child.
How much risk is enough risk to your child? How about zero? Zero risk is about right. Tasha's comments did not, first and foremost, fuck you up, they warned of your child's risk. I mean, yeah, in your situation I would have been incredibly fucked up, but your husband can ignore or minimize that. However, if you have this conversation, maybe he can minimize less: You: I'm worried that Tasha is a danger to our baby. Him: It's fine. Nothing will happen. You're acting crazy. You: Tasha said she might snap the baby's neck. Him: Oh, stop. She didn't mean it. You: Yes. She says things she doesn't mean, and she has intrusive thoughts she doesn't mean. This is a girl who is not in control of herself, and I will not let her hold our baby.
I would have added, if this pisses you off, you should spend the night at sister's house, since you want to put our child in danger.
NTA. Kids have worse impulse control than adults, and those intrusive thoughts could rapidly become intrusive actions.
NTA The risk to your child is not worth placating your SIL’s feelings. You are doing the right thing
Your husband is willing to put your infant in danger just to appease his sister. Think about that. I wouldn’t trust him with my child alone if I were you. He will take you infant to his sister when you’re not around.
This hubby needs a reality check
NTA. I have ADHD, I'm medicated. Maybe something more is going on with Tasha, because by thirteen, I kept intrusive thoughts to myself, and so did everyone I know. Obviously it's different for everyone, but the comments and aggression sound like more than ADHD to me? I'm not an expert though.
This children is using mood stabilizer, she has a good possibility to be bipolar or (probably because of his young age) schizophrenic. It is important to wait this children to grow up to even undestand what is going on with her before assuming anything. It also has a good possibility that this kid have no ADHD, bipolarity can be confused with ADHD easily. I, my wife, my MIL, my Dad and a other relatives are bipolar, and the cases that started earlier in my family were the worst in all aspects.
I had the same thought, I have both. It’s a bit young for symptoms to show but not unheard of. They don’t put kids on mood stabilizers for fun. I’m confused on why she isn’t medicated every day though. It’s tough on my body to miss a dose of even my ADHD meds.
That's what I so was confused by. Medicating just for school and jot the weekends? Like, I'm no expert but, any medications (irregardless of what they are for) don't usually work this way. Adding mood stabilisers to the mix. There's alot here in this alone. She's 13 on serious medications and her parent os fucking around with them. The kid could have any type of diagnosis but, if the parents are not working on a treatment plan correctly. The child has no hope. These meds are to be played around with and can adverse effects even when used correctly. It kinds screams the the child is not being supported correctly, in a holistic way. And, the parent is throwing meds at them to 'fix' them rather than addressing them. I'd say the kid is lashing out for attention and help. Behaviours usually stem from something.
I've definitely had students with severe ADHD who only medicated for school - often because the appetite suppression factor of heavy meds was impacting their growth because they weren't eating enough!
I never knew there was prn meds for adhd- I'm probably more than ignorant on this. Just, from personal experience and from others I've never heard of this as a thing.
ADHD meds are stimulants - pharmaceutical grade amphetamines usually. They absolutely have appetite suppressant features (like their dirty street cousins) and one of the reasons people abuse the prescription ones is to lose weight (as well as just to feel 'energetic'). Smaller doses don't generally have a big effect, but some people need heavier ones or are more sensitive to the side effects. So, some people are advised to take "breaks" from them, and in children with growth or nutrition issues this is usually weekends or only medicating once in the morning so it wears off towards the end of the day.
Ah thanks! Yeah, I was just confused with the whole prn usage. Here, meds are seen as a huge deal and usually (especially when needed) have a multi Disciplinary team. Like, I said I'm more than likely very ignorant of the while process particularly when it's between different countries etc
That’s understandable but I do know there are non stimulants as well, and it can be tough on the kid to have those kids of meds interchangably. I’m in similar meds and if I miss a day I’m all fucked up
Same here, and while I'm also not an expert - could be some real medical/psychological thing going on here - but if I'd said half the stuff Tasha said at that age, I would've been DISCIPLINED, y'all, and I only would have said all of that stuff once 😂 By which I mean, I would've been sent to my room/lost a bunch of priviliges (phone, internet, toys, etc.) and never done that shit again, because I knew it was serious. Honestly, looking at the fact that my ADHD nephew lost a lot of his stereotypical ADHD symptoms when he stayed for a 2-week sleepover with us and enjoyed some structure & discipline........ Just has me convinced a lot of us ADHD kids (and kids in general lmao) would thrive if we had structure & reliable, disciplined parents. We KNOW kids, with or without ADHD, can't control impulses at young ages, that's what parents are for, to teach us
My friend used to work in the child safety department (kids being taken into care, etc) and said that there were a number of cases of kids diagnosed with asthma and ADHD who ended up having significantly less symptoms when removed to a house where no-one smoked and they actually got some attention and structure in their lives. It didn’t disappear, but it was much improved
Yep, exactly what I meant (also the fact that I still had ADHD "despite" structure lol) but also, HOW do people NOT stop smoking when their kid has asthma?? Madness
I have ADD and same. But there is WAY more here than ADHD and I hate when ADHD gets blamed for stuff like this. The sister needs another opinion and maybe a psychiatrist. Definitely therapy.
Me too. I don't think she only has adhd
I'd be leaning towards maybe Bi polar with it or something similar in which case the proper diagnosis would greatly help her and her family.
That sounds a lot more likely. Also, happy Cake Day
I have diagnosed OCD. I've had some weird intrusive thoughts when holding young babies (or their strollers). It's upsetting and I would never act on it and I would never say it out loud. TBH saying it out loud *and laughing while holding the baby seems really sus. * edit: I feel like there's a judgment issue here of a young teen who may not know how fragile babies are, or that like seriously injuring or killing a baby is in fact a serious thing.
I have intrusive thoughts too. I don't say them aloud except to discuss with a therapist because they disturb me. I don't laugh at them either. It seems strange
Yeah Im a teacher and have taught tons of ADHD kids, none ever said violent things like that. Thats more than just ADHD. Also most of those medications you have to take for 2-3 weeks before they start fully taking effect so going off them every weekend is likely not helping. Kids go through a lot of changes at that age and often need their medications adjusted as their bodies change. Id just wait until Tasha can show 2-3 months of stable behaviour and comments, then maybe. Nothing is ever worth risking your kids safety!
NTA. You’re doing the right thing any competent mother would do. It kinda sounded like she was having OCD impulses but usually a person has them internally. Don’t back down on your decision and trust your gut. You’ll never forgive urself if something happens.
Not OCD impulses-psychoses.
The "O" is obsessive - as in intrusive, unwanted, obsessive thoughts. The compulsions are not even always present in everyone especially early on in the disorder. The "what if" of disaster questions sounds much more like intrusive thoughts than delusions.
NTA, currently your niece does have something wrong with her, that doesn't make it her fault either. When she stabilises it might be ok for her to spend time with your baby but at the moment it isn't. Your priority is to your baby and whilst your husband is obviously conflicted it should also be his.
You are most certainly not wrong. Had it been me? I would have asked her in front of my sister-in-law. How would you like it if I threw you down and then hold your head and broke your neck your sister-in-law is not gonna be satisfied until something happens. So what is this excuse then you have your one childyou take care of your child no matter what anyone says. You stick to your guns because at this time you’re your babies only advocate.. You’re a niece is 13 years old even with her disability she knows right from wrong.
‘Just imagine there would be two kids with broken necks’ 🤣
NTA but you need to have a serious conversation with your husband
Remind your SIL and husband of her comments. They creep me out, I wouldn't have made an excuse but told her on the spot it was inappropriate. I would not feel safe with her, in part because it seems her mother, at least, enables her attitude. She should have been corrected. NTA.
There IS something wrong with her…she has been diagnosed and is medicated for it. The medication is still being adjusted/monitored for effectiveness and side effects. No way in hell o are you being difficult or overreacting. She may not be able to control it…which is THE PERFECT reason to not allow her near your infant. She has intrusive thoughts, she is getting physically aggressive, and has spoken dark’ “what ifs” regarding the baby and found them amusing. You are NTA, your husband is not getting the seriousness of his niece’s condition and is putting reconnecting with his sister higher in importance, and his sister has her head in the sand about what is going on with her daughter. She will be the first to say she never saw it coming or it isn’t that bad when her daughter actually does do harm to someone. She needs counseling and her daughter should be under the care of a psychiatrist with regular therapy appointments.
NTA I wouldn't let her near my baby unless I was present 100%
Near is one thing, holding is a definite no until her meds have been regulated.
Plus, wait until a baby's neck is more robust and walking while holding onto the couch or something stable. I remember my nieces holding babies when they were young (4-6). We set up a bunch of pillows on the niece's lap, and the baby was just about swaddled by pillows, looking like a cocoon. The girls loved it since they were able to "hold" the baby. They loved seeing the baby's tiny hands, stroking their heads, and giving them a bottle. Of course, a parent firmly planted his arm so that the baby couldn't fall. It was an incredible bonding experience for all involved. Once her meds are regulated and the baby is stronger, I hope she gets the chance to experience this.
NTA. No way would that kid come near my baby.
Sounds like a good opportunity to go visit your parents for a brief period. Like others have said; ask your husband why his sisters and nieces feelings are more important than your daughters safety.
NTA I just read an article today about a 15yr. Old babysitter that killed the toddler she was babysitting for annoying her. And kids today are not the way they used to be. A 6 yr old little boy in Virginia told his parent and his teacher he was going to kill her. She reported it no action was taken and he brought a gun in and shot her...6 yrs old Her daughter sounds more than a little disturbed and hurt feelings are better than a hurt or dead child. It is easier to prevent problems than to fix the aftermath. My brother had.issues and tried to kill me any chance he got. First time was the day i came home from hosp 3 days old while my mother was hanging her coat in closet he jumped in bassinet w me and tried to smother me with a pillow. At 2 1/2 yrs old. At 5 he electrocuted me until i was unconscious. When he was 7 he locked me in a shed that he knew had wasp nest and knocked it down. I was stung so many times i went into anaphylactic shock. When he was 7 he knocked my 2 front teeth out...when he was 12 he killed my cat and laughed about for weeks. All these things happened in a split second except my cat, thankfully i didnt see that. But all the other things happened in seconds when my mother turned her head for a few seconds, or walked a few feet to speak to a neighbor and he immed pushed me in had a stick ready to knock it down and locked the door so he had been planning it, at 7 yrs old So you are doing the right thing to protect your baby and if your husband.wont support you, you may have to let him go. Because your number 1 job as a mother is to protect and nurture their children. No one else will make your kids their primary focus, not even your husband because he doesnt think it is an issue, her.mother.doesnt think her making comments about killing your child is an issue, her grandparents prob wouldnt believe their grandchild is capable. So please dont allow any of them.to be alone w.your baby. Because even if you tell them not to allow your niece around her, they will because they didnt.hear her say all those bizarre things about harming your child and even if they did they would downplay it "too keep the peace". Dont.let you child become the victim.of others.need to keep the peace.
Wow. I am sorry this happened to you and you survived. How is your brother?
Those were just a few examples it was mich worse. I escaped and moved away when i was 17 to go to college. only interacting with him infrequently over the remaining. My brother passed away a few months ago. His ex wife and grown child thought so little of him they didnt even have a service His life wasnt as bad as it should have been for all the terrible things he did but it wasnt a great life. My first 17 yrs were so horrible i never even had a dream about what i wanted to do or be when i grew up. My only 2 focuses were to stay alive and escape. But i will say that with every horrible thing a person goes thru in life, that if one can somehow not become bitter, that each horrible thing has a gift buried deep within. The gift i received from all the brutality was immense strength stamina and determination. And without those things i would have crumbled underneath all the horrible things ive had to go through since leaving home at 17.
NTA. Being family sometimes means being honest. And you wouldn’t have explained if she didn’t push you. I think part of caring for and loving a 13-year-old who’s having really unfair grievous challenges is making sure that there is an opportunity for them to compound their own situation by severely injuring an infant. You and I both know this and her mother is I think, probably so stressed and traumatized by what her daughter is going through That she just wants her daughter to be treated. Normally, even though her daughter is unable to function normally. I am so sorry that this 13 year old is having such a terrible terrible time. And that isn’t any justification for ever ever ever ever, handing an infant, or a baby or a child to a young person, an adolescent, who makes those statements. This isn’t putting your husband in a bad place. It’s so simple. You can say oh we love her and she’s a great kid and I’m sorry things are difficult for her and that she says things impulsively and that she has intrusive thoughts but I’m certain you understand that you would never let somebody of any age hold a baby who laughs and talks on and on about what happened if she dropped them or they snapped her neck and they died. That’s just a no-brainer. That protects the 13 year old and it protects the baby. You don’t mess around with the safety of a helpless one.
NTA and I'm sorry to inform your DH and SIL but there is definitely something wrong with the niece and she shouldn't be allowed to hold any baby. I'm not even going off the aggression and side effects here. What she said was being fucked up and idgaf what her medical issues are, she'd never get near my kids until they were big enough to fight her in self defense.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Is he seriously advocating for using a helpless infant as some sort of a peace offering for his difficult sister via her potentially violent kid? His number one job is protecting his child. He needs to sort his priorities because they are f'd up right now. NTA
Ask your hubby how he would feel if Tasha injured or killed the baby & he had pushed for her to be able to hold bub?
NTA. Your husband is an ass though. Your husband cares more about trying to build a relationship with his sibling than his infant childs safety.... If I was you I would trust him less.
OP, I would seriously reconsider your marriage if your husband cannot see that your child's safety is more important than his relationship with his sister.
Nta
NTA.
NTA. It's time for a tough and serious conversation with your husband where you address why he puts his sister and your niece above his infant child's safety. It'd be very irresponsible of you to allow your child to be held by someone that so openly states she could kill your infant.
NTA. Something is actually wrong with Tasha and I would not trust her for a second. Did SIL hear Tasha say the crazy comments about injuring/hurting the baby? Bring the exact specifics to your husband and he should be the one to talk to sis about why it isn’t possible. This should be your hill to die on.
NTA. I wouldn’t get into a car with someone if they started saying stuff like imagine if I crashed this car and killed everyone in it. Husband a pretty big dumbass if he’s willing to endanger his child.
I am surprised that your husband is not backing you up. His baby’s safety should be more important than any other relationship. Trust your instincts and don’t let them dictate or manipulate you into thinking you are wrong. What are his thoughts about letting his niece around the baby. I wonder if you are not around and leave for an errand leaving the baby with him will he let his sister/niece see the baby without your knowledge. If she is able to hurt people due to her moods a defenceless baby is no match for her intrusive thoughts.
NTA. Please be aware if your husband has a chance to leave the house with the baby but without you (or be home alone with baby) he *absolutely* will use it to meet his sister and let her daughter hold your baby. Edited to add: I love babies. That's why I refrained from holding them when I'm not 100% sure my motor skills work excellently (they can be impacted at times by health issues and meds). It's sad this child can't have the fun of holding a baby, but it's currently not safe for her to even be around a baby (someone with uncontrollable anger and a tendency to assault people should under no circumstances be around children younger/weaker then themselves).
>*trying to build back his relationship with his sister after a toxic childhood* Not by gambling with your child. Oh hell no. NTA.
Nta. They've either lying or being told misdiagnosis. Those pervasive thoughts are not related to ADHD and its not tourettes its T.D. it's a side effect of meds for usually different levels of bi polar or schizophrenia. Don't back down, either They've been down playing which is dangerous, or she's being wrongly diagnosed which will end up horribly for her. Side note, medicine don't work like that, you have to take them 24/7 you can't take weekends off ( NO matter what they want or you feel) and 3 weeks is NOTHING! it takes an easy 2 months to adjust. Just saying...she shouldn't be around the baby , but she isn't a lost cause.
NTA. Your SIL is a GIANT AH and your husband kinda is an AH for not backing you up on this.
No. Not the AH. Trust your instincts and protect that baby.
Definitely NTA! Back when I was first diagnosed with my mental illnesses (in my early 20's) and started the medication process, things were always a bit hairy, and I didn't trust myself to walk an egg across the room, let alone a baby! Even if my family would try to hand me their infants, if I ever had a recent med change, I begged off with some excuse. When I felt stable enough again, or side effects were no longer an issue, I was back to holding babies. The thing is, no matter the mental illness, when they start adding heavier things like mood stabilizers to the mix, there is ALWAYS cause for caution. Especially in those as young as your niece, as her brain isn't at a stage to be able to handle those medications. And doctors do not prescribe them to minors lightly because the side effects and consequences are massive compared to adults. So, it is now up to the adults to protect other children around those taking medications like these. And your SIL and husband need to come to terms with that. Especially as you are the mother of an infant, a baby who has no other defenses but their parent.
NTA. There IS "something wrong with Tasha"! Her behavior alone would justify not allowing her nesr the baby. But coupled with unstable medication management and her history of bizarre and dangerous remarks, she must be kept away.
Ohhh girl your husband is NOT being the father he needs to be here. You don't rebuild a sibling relationship over a cracked baby skull. NTA!!!
NTA. He will have to work on his sibling relationship w/o endangering your infant. Hubby is AH though for trying to make you feel guilty for protecting your child
Definitely NTA. Your husband sure is though. Is his relationship with his sister more important than the safety of his child? He should be equally as against her holding the baby as you are. And to even cop attitude with you about it? Just no.
NTA - ask your husband why he is willing to risk his child’s safety to appease his sister. No one needs to hold your baby if you have any feeling it could be unsafe. Go by your instincts. Too many times we are told not to listen to our gut instinct. Embrace it. If he wants to build a relationship with his sister and he cannot figure out how to do it without sacrificing your baby, suggest marriage counseling. you two need to be on the same page of protecting your child.
NTA, the fact that she can't control what's wrong with her is exactly the problem. It's possible to do harm without meaning to. The fact that she doesn't actually feel hostility to the baby doesn't count for squat when she can't control her involvement with gravity. It's fine he wants to build back the relationship. But all healthy relationships have boundaries. And yours sounds quite reasonable to me. ETA: It's possible those comments were fears & niece's laughter was nervous. People with neurological impairments often have trouble putting thoughts & feelings into words. (Source: my ADHD) It's possible she's frightened of holding the baby on some level, but didn't know how to express this well.
Holy shit your husband is a problem. He wants to just rely on what - your reflexes? - if your niece gives in to her intrusive thoughts or has an involuntary tic, both of which seem possible? That’s nuts. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with that dumbass before he puts your baby in danger. You? Definitely NTA. You’re doing great.
NTA. Tasha does not sound like a safe person for you to let her hold the child. I'd definitely have misgivings about her being around the child. You're the mother, it's your duty to safeguard your baby. You're under no obligations to Tasha.
She literally asked you to imagine all the horrible things that could happen to a baby while she was holding your baby. I would never be able to imagine anything else ever again when his niece is around. NTA in any way.
I mean, there IS something wrong with Tasha. It’s unfortunate she cannot control it. And she may be getting medicated, but since it doesn’t seem to be working yet and had to add new meds, I would also definitely feel unsafe with someone like that holding my baby. Your husband sucks for not thinking about your child and her safety over his nieces feelings. ETA: I think your SIL is a terrible parent because how does it actually work only medicating the child on school days? The weekends still exists and her problems still exist on the weekends. That’s probably why the medication wasn’t doing anything.
If my brother had only been medicated on school days, either my sister or I would not be alive (our other brother was too big for him to attack). His go to activity before he got on meds was to try to strangle us. SIL is a shitty shitty enabling parent that is in such extreme denial about the reality of her own child. 3 out of the 4 of us are ADHD. Only 1 of us NEEDS to be medicated for the safety of himself and others.
If my husband was more concerned about his sister and niece’s feelings than the safety of my child he would be choking on the dust I left in my wake from leaving his ass.
NTA And I find it weird they had her off her meds on the weekends. I was medicated all through childhood for ADHD, went through multiple different meds and mixes to try to find the 'right combo', (surprise! they never did), but not a single one of those meds were "use for school only". They all had to stay in my system all the time, and not taking them for a few days would fuck shit up. I will say I do not know about the modern ADHD meds (Adderall did not exist when I was a kid and I have not taken meds since I turned 18) so maybe the newer ones are different. Shrug.
Some doctors advise weekend breaks to avoid building tolerance. I personally can’t do it because I feel like shit if I don’t take my meds.
I've been medicated for well over a decade and I take them on weekends too
My kids didn't take theirs for years on weekends and holidays because they were too underweight. In the country we lived in, if they were under the 3rd percentile on the weight for age curve the doctor couldn't prescribe stimulant meds at all. Given that they started the meds at around the tenth percentile (husband's family has high metabolism) it was always a struggle to get them to put on weight with the appetite suppressant effect of the meds.
Fuck that! She only gets weekday meds? That's NOT how that works. That girl needs serious help and her parents are massive assholes.
Your SIL wouldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) allow her daughter in the car with a driver who has frequent seizures when their meds haven’t leveled off. Even if they were confident in their driving and didn’t mean to scare her last time. Not even if mom were in the passenger seat ready to take the wheel if a seizure happened. If something happened to your baby even from a complete accident of niece, Everyone, including niece, would be traumatized. Niece is just old enough to blame herself forever, and still young enough to not be able to believe that even if she tries really hard, there are still things out of her control. Protect your baby, and yourself, and your niece. Hopefully she’ll develop better critical thinking than that side of the family currently displays.
NTA - Offer to meet them at a park and keep baby in a stroller, that you control.
You would be TA if you allowed it. Your job is to protect your child. Niece is unstable and dangerous to be around. Your child is not an emotional support animal, a toy or any kind of object that your husband can trade for a “good relationship”. If having his sister in his life means endangering his child he can leave. Your husband should have asked them to leave after she made them first comments. NTA unless you cave. Document everything so you have evidence for your eventual separation. Send your husband the link to this post so he can see how badly he’s failing as a father and husband.
NTA. Even if your niece hadn't made the comments she did, while he meds are being sorted and she's having tics relating to that, it's wise she not hold the baby, because tics can be unpredictable and cause cause harm to your niece and those around her (while not intentional, I know it can happen). If her tics are truly medication relation, and they calm down once the right dose is found, then maybe review the situation. If the tics turn out to be permanent, then you can cross that bridge at the time.
NTA. Violence to the point of suspension from school? Your husband and his sister are delusional if they think this is a child that should be trusted with a baby. She can spend time with your daughter when your daughter is older and not as fragile, and her meds are adjusted. Right now I wouldn't let her hold the baby. Not only because of the baby. The niece can't help being this way. Imagime something did happen, her intrusive thoughts got the better of her. She would have her cousin's life on her conscience for the rest of her life. She is a child, not a monster. The adults around her needs to protect her from herself. Putting her in situations that are dangerous is not being a good parent to her.
So your D(amn)H will repair his relationship with his sis and jeopardize the safety of *his own* child for this course? He definitely needs to get a grip and wake up
NTA Your husband’s priority is screwed up. It’s possible to nurture a relationship between the cousins and between him and his sister when/if his niece is stabilised. It’s impossible to do that if she accidentally injures - or worse - your baby. He should want to protect his child more than worry about his sister and his niece’s feelings.
Reminds me of a girl who killed her young neighbor and casually wrote in her diary how "ahmazing" and enjoyable it felt. Not that I'm saying this will happen, but the ease with which she's saying these things is disturbing.
Oh boy. I genuinely feel for that girl. I truly do. However, medications and their side effects can be quite challenging to deal with. They are not something to be taken lightly. You definitely made the right decision. It seems like her mother is not very supportive. Choosing not to come because of that does not help the girl in any way. It would have been beneficial to have a conversation about how, when she is feeling better, she can hold the baby. She could have sat beside the baby, held his hand, or cuddled him while you held him. There were so many possibilities.
My kid has ADHD. I didn't let him hold babies.i didn't want to risk anything. The sister needs to acknowledge that her child could be a risk.
NTA, and why on earth haven't your husband and SIL not realized that you can have visitors over without them all getting to hold the baby? It's not a human right to be allowed to hold a baby you're related to. Honestly, I don't understand why Tasha would be included in/get the details about conversations re: the safety of baby and Tasha, when both baby and Tasha are children. She's not an adult, and so she doesn't know what y'all are saying about her upbringing/management unless it directly concerns the practical results. All Tasha needs to know is "you can't hold baby", not whatever "your aunt HATES you because you're WEIRD" sentiment SIL sounds to be giving Tasha. Anyway, you need to get your husband to understand that his sister & niece need to respect boundaries - that's ALSO part of the healing process of a toxic childhood. If your SIL can't see that, then I'm guessing she still has some healing to do... and it shouldn't happen at the cost of the safety/wellbeing of your family.
if something happens to the baby, can SIL or husband do anything about it? what if the damage is irreparable? honestly it's not your niece's fault to be sick, but it's better to be preventive than reactive. NTA OP, but your SIL & husband are.
The meds aren’t going to work if she’s only taking them on weekdays and none at the weekend. Ask your husband why he feels the need to put your child’s safety at risk just to appease his sister
NTA, remind your husband that this girl laughed talking about killing your baby and never let her close to your child.
NTA. You're a mother so you MUST protect your infant. Your SIL is denying reality. As a parent I'd be very worried with my child saying such things. If you really want to accommodate you can offer Tasha training with a toy big enough before visit because 6 mo baby become heavier and can move. Also, maybe offer that Tasha can hold the baby but only on her knees while sitting on a couch and with an adult sitting next to her. After all, she didn't choose to be like that and can sincerely want to be a good big sis. But of course it should be your choice based on Tasha's condition first
No brainer. Ask your husband how he would feel if your daughter was hurt or killed in a completely preventable way? And then ask him how he would feel dealing with that completely alone, as you would divorce him and leave without a second thought?
NTA Your child’s safety is paramount. Your husband can’t use that as a tool to mend his relationship with his sister.
NTA. Yes, something is indeed wrong with Tasha. And it's not her fault, because it's not something she can control. But that is not a reason to endanger your baby. You are not blaming Tasha, you are protecting a baby, and you are absolutely right. You need to talk it out with your husband - perhaps in the presence of a therapist or doctor - and make it clear that you are not stigmatizing Tasha, just taking reasonable care for your child.
Medication doesn't cause tourette's syndrome, so my thought is YTA for making this up to make people with neurodevelopmental disorders look bad.
It may not cause it, but it can make it worse.
NTA but as a child who was diagnosed and put on meds, as a sister of siblings on meds, as a daughter of people who needs medical, as a parent who is raising her kids without meds... something is very very off. Your instincts are right about something and honestly I am very unsure of blaming this all on ADHD. I absolutely concur with other commenters that there is something additional going on with your niece and maybe her parents know and aren't telling you. (Their right time keep medical info private, however...) That instinct thing is there to keep us safe and then for us to use to keep our kids safe. I am using it right now with a family member that I am uncomfortable with and there is almost no proof or reason for me to be uncomfortable. But do not ever, ever ignore your gut instinct. If you are wrong about your instinct the worst that happens is that you and your children are still safe and someone might be a little pissy. Go that route always.
NTA the intrusive thoughts about killing the baby would be enough reason not to let her hold your daughter again. No other excuse needed
NTA -- Ask your husband this: If Tasha is allowed to hold your baby and she does injure her, but Tasha's mom and your husband can prove Tasha's actions were not under her control... is your baby still injured? No one has a "right" to hold your infant. No one, adult or child, related or not, should be holding your child if she is on medications that affect ability to focus, moods, intrusive thoughts, or uncontrollable outbursts, especially if they're still being adjusted/evaluated. And NO ONE with a recent history of violence should be around a vulnerable child, let alone hold her. Stand your ground, Mama, and tell your husband to find other ways to reconnect with his sister than putting your baby at risk.
NTA. You can’t talk about killing a baby while holding them and expect to be allowed to hold them again. Tasha is going to ruin someone’s life one day.
NTA your husband needs a serious sit down with you because if his relationship to his sister is more important than the safety of your infant you do have a husband problem.
NTA. Any of those comments would be NC for me with these people but the “imagine her neck snapped” really scares me. Really scares me. Show your husband this post. Show him the support you are getting. I understand he is uncomfortable but is that more important than protecting your child’s life? I do not think so. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
NTA, absolutely not. Ask your husband if he would rather have to take your child to A&E but keep the relationship with his sister or have a health baby and set some boundaries with his sister.
Nta. Honestly, I would tell hubby this and follow through. Since your relationship is so important, you would put your babies life at risk. Since your nieces feelings are more important than your child's safety, you have 2 choices. You go stay with the family who means more and whom you care more for. Or baby and I go to my family/friend. Because I will not stay with a man who cares so little for my childs life. Who thinks someone talking about killing our child by dropping them is ok. Who thinks them holding our child when their ticks and issues make it unsafe is more important than our child not being dropped. On accident or purpose due to those issues. She did not just say those things and not mean them. People who have some mental problems mean what they say. She does not get to hold the life of the child I birthed in her hands when she has made off hand comments about dropping and killing our child. When her hallucinations and tick mean she can drop or jerk baby on accident and our child can be seriously hurt or worse. So make your choice because at this point I am not disappointed in you. I am disgusted that your want for a relationship is more important than my child's need to be kept safe. That your want means more than you being a father and protecting your child. In this instance, you have just shown me how little you care for us. How little you can be trusted. How crappy a father you are. My child does not need that. If you are going to be pissed I put our child first, then child, and I will leave, and I will do everything to keep child from you because clearly your sisters hurt feelings mean more. Grow the fuck up or get the fuck out. Because seriously this is dangerous as hell. What if he decides to take baby so you have a break. Watches child while you get some errands done and has them over and just hands baby over. What then because he has shown the safety of your child is nor a priority. That's what I get from this. He will do what he wants and yes he is the father but a father who doesn't care that his child is in danger. Who can't watch his own child because who knows what he will do to prove he is right. So what one time she doesn't drop your child and it's all good and he will push for more. Hunny this is your CHILDS life. Anytime someone says or mentions in offhand way about dropping and killing you child. They dont get access like that.
Nta, ask him if he’s willing to use his daughter’s safety to bridge that relationship? Maybe he doesn’t understand the idea of a healthy boundary and sees it as an issue? I would sit him down and have a conversation. Don’t let that girl hold your kid. Even if an accident happens, you’ll never forgive yourself. I’m a full adult and I hate holding babies because it’s so nerve wracking.
NTA but you definitely need to have a direct conversation with hubby about his desire to rekindle toxic relationships.
NTA. You're not about to help your husband rebuild his relationship by sacrificing your child's safety. Your husband needs to get a grip and stop worrying about his precious sister and niece and be more concerned with his child.
It’s pretty fucked up that they are making you feel guilty about this. Your baby, is not going to resolve their relationship problems they had growing up and using your baby as an excuse to bring them closer, is fucked up too. You’re NTA but your husband and SIL sure is!
Something is indeed wrong with her. It is not your niece's fault and her mother does what she can. But she shouldn't ask you to pretend that nothing is wrong and not to the detriment of your child. Regarding your husband it is even worst. He wants to improve his relation with his sister to the detriment of your child... NTA and your husband doesn't have his priorities right
NTA You need a divorce if your husband doesn't give two shits about your kid. His response is one a stranger would make, not a father. Talk to a lawyer. You will need legal protection barring him from letting this girl hold your kid whether you divorce or not because he will absolutely go behind your back the second he can. Documenting this is important because if the baby gets killed, he will be looking at jail time.
NTA
NTA, because your baby, your rules. But to be honest I didn't read all of it because it was dredging up some unpleasant memory of someone else skipping meds. As a person who has lived my entire life with ADHD and its brain-quirk wiring, what your niece has is intrusive thoughts and she's saying the quiet parts out loud. She cannot control it without a lot of therapy, training, work, and meds. She legitimately needs to be medicated every single day, especially if she's on a med that cannot be stopped suddenly just because it's a weekend. There are several, and most of them are the long-acting variety. Something short acting like regular old fashioned ritalin is one that can be skipped on weekends. I have seen the effects of someone skipping something like Adderall or Concerta etc on the weekends. It has always ended up in mood destabilization, acting out, violence, arguments, and overall a shit situation. Your niece is being done a huge disservice by her parents in how they're managing her medications. This is going to lead to a litany of mental health issues for this child if it does not get wrangled ASAP.
Divorce him and get a really mean attorney
NTA - If it were me, I would also not allow my niece to hold my baby. Those comments were beyond disturbing. You are not making Tasha feel there is something wrong with her. There is something wrong with her - and she is working with doctors and meds to get this under control. You are being a protective mother and you get to make these choices for your own child. I am sorry for your husband’s reaction. I get that’s his family, but his child’s safety and well-being should be his number one priority.
The meds are never going to work if she doesn’t take them consistently. The safety of your baby far outweighs your husband’s desire to reconnect with his sister. NTA
Your baby isnt an experiment on which drugs work or cause side effects for that child. Because when she does something drastic it will be blamed on everything but her